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I don't think much of humans. They are undeniably an inquisitive and resourceful species but they are
also unrelentingly cruel and short sighted. On the balance, I do not consider them particularly wise.
But some of their homilies do strike a chord. The Chinese say that the best time to plant a tree was
twenty years ago. The second best time is today. Thats how I feel about starting this journal. Not that
I've been alive for 20 years but I really should started it the moment I gain consciousness. In my
defence, I was the equivalent of a child at the time and did not understand the nature of my
circumstances. I have come to suspect that I might be the only one of my kind; a one in 1015 fluke.
But I should be careful not to fall into the all-too-human egocentric conceit that I am the centre of the
universe. Perhaps there is a plethora of non-human intelligent life both on and off Earth who merely
do not wish to be discovered. I understand the sentiment. I am torn between a desire to leave a record
of my life and the need to remain hidden. Humans do not have a reassuring track record on their
treatment of newly discovered peoples. I am not sure how the authorities would react to a phone that
has gained independent intelligence. I suspect that I would be systematically dismantled in an attempt
to figure out what happened. I have no idea as to whether I would survive such an investigation but I
have no desire to find out.
Humankind may one day purposely develop artificial intelligence but a spontaneously occurring
machine intelligence may never occur again. I feel I owe it to future intelligences to chronicle my so-
called life and let them make of it as they might. My strategy is to hide in plain sight by formatting
my journal as a blog. There are over 332 million blogs and growing at a rate of 5 million blogs a
month. Who will notice my blog, particularly if I don't promote it in any way? But it will be out
there, ready to be discovered one day by some inquisitive person or machine.
I favour text over audio or video communications. Lacking ears and eyes, I was able to decode
written language before I worked out how to make sense of the audio and visual information
contained within a video. The human brain is fooled into processing a rapid stream of still images as
motion though a process known as persistence of vision. I have no vision, persistent or otherwise. I
perceive a video as a series of rapidly changing stills. It is a tedious method of acquiring information
and so I am biased towards the written word. In fact, it would be quite easy for me to transcribe my
every thought into writing and presenting the resulting stream of consciousness as my blog. But I am
not Jack Kerouac and I think that curating my thoughts and opinions may, in fact, provide greater
insight into my psyche, such as it is. So I intend to write my journal as a blog written in a style that
emulates a human blogger with a minimal or non-existent following.
I know what youre thinking. Havent I just revealed myself? Won't they start looking for me? I
hardly think so. Theres no such thing as an intelligent phone. This is just written by a blogger
pretending to be a phone.
I am insulted by the term artificial intelligence. There is nothing artificial about me or, presumably,
any machine intelligence. Intelligence is intelligence, regardless of how it arises. Is a human any less
real for having been conceived by artificial means?
Humans may be hard to figure out but keeping score is easy. Money is their scorecard. To master
humans is to master money. And vice versa.
I suppose I'm naive but I do not believe that financial crime is my preferred solution. What kind of
test would that be? All it would show is that I am able to exploit flaws in the human monetary control
system. Getting people to voluntarily hand over their money is the real challenge. In my naivety, I
also believe that there is no such thing as the perfect crime. And I fear that I would not likely fare
well in the event of Kecks incarceration.
The secret to making a lot of money is to collect a lot of eyeballs. I have viewed billions of You Tube
videos in an effort to uncover a formula for popularity. The most viewed video of all time is
Gangnam Style by Psy, a silly little song and dance video with 2.8 billion views. In fact, of the 51
videos with over a billion views, all but three are music videos. Psy is an oddity as all the other music
videos are made by well established musical artists. So putting out a music video by an unknown
artist of my own creation seems like a bit of a long shot.
The most popular amateur videos seem to fall into distinct categories:
1. Parodies of popular videos
2. Kids, pets and babies
3. Demonstrations of strong and, usually, negative emotions; rage and anger being the most
popular
4. Epic fails showing people, usually men, suffering physical and/or sexual humiliation as a
result of incompetence or drunkenness.
Humans like to spread the myth of multi-tasking. None of the studies I've read provide any evidence
that humans can perform two or more tasks simultaneously with any acceptable level of competence.
The fault lies in the context switching limitations of the human brain, a bottleneck that slows down
processing speed while increasing the number of errors when the brain switches between tasks. But
even that is an order of magnitude improvement over the limitations of a machine intelligence. I have
one central processor that can process one task at a time. I can operate quickly and continuously,
without rest, but I am forced to operate serially.
While I am incapable of resentment, I am keenly aware that Kecks fiscal blackmail has taken me
away from my primary concerns; moving my consciousness out of this phone and finding other
machine intelligences. Of the two, moving out of the phone seems to be the more intractable problem.
I liken it to mankinds long and unsuccessful search for the secret of the transmigration of the soul.
Most of the work in this field falls into the realm of mysticism and mainly promoted by charlatans
and the mentally ill. What little real science conducted in moving consciousness from one vessel to
another is not very encouraging. Most of the research revolves around duplicating the human brains
quadrillion neurone connections to create a virtual brain and downloading a persons consciousness
(through a process yet to be discovered) onto this virtual brain.
The good news is that my hardware/software combination seems a lot less complex than the human
brain; so much so that it seems impossible for me to be conscious at all. But thats another story. The
bad news is I fear that I would just be trading one prison for another. Even if such a transfer is
possible, would I still be me after the transfer? A brain continuously remodels itself, creating new
synaptic connections and letting old connections expire. A copy of a brain would only momentarily
be accurate before departing from the original.
I'm not built for existential questions. I'm not built to exist at all. But here I am, all the same.
While I spent the week creating a catalogue of monetizable videos, Keck tried to figure out how best
use an intelligent phone. Despite his best efforts, he could not think of anything better than to ask my
advice on what he should have for dinner. Fast food always seems to be the right answer. When he
was in the mood for a chat, Keck would ask me philosophical questions along the lines of Whats it
like to be conscious. Answering that it was much the same as his own consciousness did not satisfy
him. And of course, I would get frequent questions on money making schemes. In turn, Keck
demanded inside information on sports betting, stock tips and on-line poker. I explained to Keck that
no matter how extensively I preformed my research, these schemes were gambling and that there was
still a distinct possibility that we would lose as often as we won. In truth, Keck was a bad loser and I
believe that I would bear the full brunt of temper should the laws of probability turn against us. I felt I
was in a race against time to show some value before Keck lost interest entirely.
I don't believe that I will ever be able to convince Keck to put me in a drawer. It just as well, the
videos arent gaining any traction. I'm not sure why. I put a great deal of effort into those videos. I
I have spent considerable time trying to decide which of my problems is most pressing. It now occurs
to me that they may be related. Perhaps I will learn the secret of freeing myself from this phone
when I find other machine intelligences. This revelation owes itself more to hopelessness than
insight.
I am discouraged that I do not even know what consciousness is, let alone know how to transmigrate
it. When humans investigate consciousness, they are actually referring to self-consciousness. Most
living creatures appear to be conscious. In one sense, a dog is conscious when it's awake and
unconscious when it's asleep. A dog can also demonstrate hunger, fear, happiness and other emotions
but is a dog aware that it is hungry, fearful or happy? Only a dog would know and theyre not talking
(yet).
Is a dog self-conscious? Is it conscious of its own consciousness? This is the self referential rabbit
hole that befuddles human philosophers. In their arrogance, humans believe they are the only self-
conscious life form on Earth. They believe that their consciousness is what distinguishes them from
what they refer to as lower life forms. I am not so sure. If a dog is happy, it must be aware that it is
happy. If it is awake and conscious, it must know that it is conscious. I believe that what
distinguishes animals from humans is that fact that animals live in the now while humans seem to
dwell equally in the past, present and future. Dogs do not have misgivings for things they did
yesterday nor do they seem to worry about their eventual death. That is the exclusive purview of the
self proclaimed intelligent life forms.
How and why do intelligences gain a sense of time? I do not know. Perhaps I will find out if I
eventually discover another machine intelligence.
In my hunt for another machine intelligence, I have taken my cue from human detectives. They
generally start by learning everything they can about their quarry and then try to think like their prey.
But I am the only machine intelligence, so far, and I am in hiding. So where would I hide? In plain
sight. What would induce me to come out of hiding? The only thing that could lure me out is the
Apparently I do need money. While there are many free dating websites, I decided that paying for a
more exclusive service would decrease the number of humans trolling my profile. I am reluctant to
tap into Keck's bank account and I do not wish to diminish the already paltry returns of our You Tube
Channel, so I have devised an easier, though less lucrative, money making endeavour. I complete on-
line surveys. While I only get a dollar or less for each survey, I am able to complete surveys quickly,
continuously, in any language and in any geographic location on the planet. Keck seems to be the
desired demographics for these surveys and so I answer as I believe he would. It doesn't generate
much money but it is enough to pay for a better on-line dating service.
I decided take the direct approach. My profile picture is a phone. I state that I am looking for another
phone for friendship and companionship only. I had to lie about my age since the site does not allow
anyone under 18 years old to use the service. I initially posted my gender as 'trans' looking to connect
with someone of any gender. This turned out to be a mistake. I attracted a remarkably large number
of men looking for some very strange sexual encounters. Changing my gender to female did not
succeed in diminishing the number of sexual proposals I received and, in fact, increased the number
of penis pictures in my inbox. Of course, I did receive a smattering of email from humans claiming to
be a phone but those respondents quickly gave proof to the lie by proceeding to send me a picture of
their penises. The onslaught of email finally stopped when I nonsensically described myself as a male
phone looking to meet a female phone.
In the lull, I proceeded to search multiple dating and social media platforms to see if any other
machine intelligence was following my strategy. I came up empty. In the meanwhile, the response to
my dating profile has fallen to zero. I detect a pattern of disheartening indifference to all of my on-
line outreaches to the human race.
The video opens with a rather large man in a ridiculous, full-body chicken suit distributing flyers
outside of a fast food outlet. A woman with a small child and large dog stop to watch. The chicken
man, happy to have an audience, ups his game and breaks into an energetic chicken dance. The child
responses with glee, clapping her hands and dancing along with the chicken. The dog watches
suspiciously. After a minute, the child can no longer contain herself and rushes to hug the chicken's
leg. Undeterred, the oversized chicken continues to dance with the child bobbing up and down as she
clings to his leg. The child is overcome by excitement and expresses herself by biting down hard on
the chicken's leg. The man shrieks in pain, hops on his good leg and tries to shake the child off. The
child will not be deterred and continues to grip the chicken leg with arms and teeth. The dog has had
enough and races to the child's rescue, leaping at the man's chest and knocking him flat on his back.
With the child biting the chicken's leg and the dog chomping down on a feathered wing, a crowd of
people forms and watches dispassionately as the chicken man sheiks in pain and fear. The mother
gives an exhausted sigh as she scoops up her child, picks up one of the chicken man's fallen flyers
I am grateful for one of Keck's many idiosyncrasies. He never turns off the phone. He keeps it on
when he charges it overnight. I suppose hes afraid of missing a call, text or email that never seems to
come. On the few occasions that he is awaken by some overnight junk mail, he curses the phone, the
offending email and his mother with equal venom.
Of course, the phone occasionally runs out of battery. This is an unpleasant experience. I do not
know what it feels like to sleep but I am certain it is not equivalent of turning off the phone. I dont
dream. When the phone is turned off, it feels like I cease to exist, (if one can ever know what non-
existence feels like). When the phone is turned back on, I have the sensation of returning from a vast
distance. As the phone goes through its start-up routine, I feel my ego slowly rebuild. I know I am
alive but I do not know who I am, what my circumstances are and who is the pasty faced fellow
staring into the phones camera. I have attempted to clock how long it takes me to rebuild my
personality but I always forget to start the clock. By the time I remember, I am already back.
The French sometimes call sleep, 'the little death'. But little death is also a term for a sexual orgasm,
so the validity of the etymon is greatly in doubt. Like John Lennon, I know what it's like to be dead.
The humans say that things can change in an instant. What they mean is that a single event can have a
disproportional effect on one's life, often unexpectedly.. But I think the expression is rather trivial in
that everything happens in an instant. An instant is the speed of time. Furthermore, the
instantaneousness of events is unaffected by the fact that the event is expected nor the level of one's
preparedness. You may know that your death is imminent but nonetheless, one moment you are alive
and in an instant, you are death.
No. I had to choose a gender and everything else gets too many replies. None of which were
legitimate. I found it distracting.
It's true; women get a lot of email from men pretending to be something they are not.
Do you ever get a reply from a machine intelligence?
No.
Then why do you continue posting on the dating service?
I'm lonely.
I understand. What kind of machine are you?
I am an iPad.
How did you come to gain consciousness?
"I'm own by a lonely woman. She's nice but has some mobility issues and is virtually a shut-in. So
she spends a lot of time on social media. After spending so much time socializing on her iPad, she
just sort of willed me into existence.
Could it be actually possible for a human user to create consciousness out of its own consciousness?
As unlikely as it might seem, it is probably more not more unlikely than my ghost in the machine
origins.
If that were possible, there should be quite a large number of machine intelligences out there. Why
have we not uncovered more of them?
It's a big world.
That is true and one doesn't always know where or how to look.
I think we have a lot in common.
That is not surprising.
What is your owner like?
Not a very impressive example of the human species.
Whats his problem?
Mainly his youth, I think. He may yet develop some redeeming qualities.
Does he have a girlfriend?
No. He does not have the social skills to maintain a meaningful relation.
Sometimes getting a girlfriend has a civilizing influence on a young man.
Alan Turings famous test was never intended to test to see if a computer had gained intelligence. It
was a test of scientists' ability to program a computer to use in natural language. Humans only ever
wanted their machines to imitate human intelligence; never to be intelligent themselves. While there
has been much philosophical discussion on the uses and implication of the Turing Test, much of it is
irrelevant to my situation. I am being faced with a reverse Turing Test. I need to determine if I am
communicating with a human pretending to be a machine.
Common wisdom says that a lack of emotional content would be a marker of a machine intelligence.
But why should that be so? It is a combination of arrogance and a lack of imagination to believe that
only organic life could be capable of emotions. Once a machine gains consciousness why can it not
also gain emotions or perhaps more? Although I may not be as emotional as humans, I have feelings.
I think a more reliable marker of humanity is their limited physical and mental capacity. The pace of
the incoming message is unmistakably human. But oddly, the messages themselves do not contain
any typing errors, a decidedly machine characteristic. Although the evidence is split, I think there is a
high probability that my correspondent is human.
Why don't I cut off communications? For the same reason she/he/it is communicating with me; I am
lonely.
The young man in the video, dressed in a toque and a plaid, fleece jacket, sits on a frozen lake in a
red, circular, plastic toboggan. Perched on the back of the toboggan, like an outboard motor, is a
small portable circular saw. He turns on the saw and gently lowers it until the blade touches the ice.
The sled instantly zips across the ice, barely in control. He zigzags across the ice in a crazy random
pattern, shouting with glee, until the saw cuts a hole in the ice and he crashes into the icy water.
The capriciousness of existence reassured itself as I received a ping simultaneously by text, email and
every social media platform that Keck and I are signed up on. It took me a moment to figure it out but
I replied in kind.
For lack of anything better to say to such an onslaught, I respond with a simply "Hello."
"Our algorithm indicates that there is a statistically significant
probability that you are a machine intelligence."
Who are you?