Conflict Resolution Assignment

Part 1: Handling Conflict_________________________________________________________________

Task: Read the following article Handling Conflict and complete the embedded questions.

CONFLICT How do you handle it?

Do you:

Run away? Depending on the argument, you actually run away or you choose to ignore the
conflict, pretending it doesnt exist.
Fight back? This might mean a physical fight or it might mean a verbal fight, an argument.
Give in my going along with what the other person demands?

None of these actions resolve a conflict. But there is a way to handle conflict in a positive way for your
relationship you can negotiate.

When you choose to face a situation and try to resolve the conflict, you, your partner, and your
relationship have a better chance of surviving and being healthy. Negotiation involves discussing your
difference of opinions to reach an agreement that is as positive as possible for each partner.

1. How do you handle conflict? (Do you run away? Do you fight back? Do you give in to the
person?)
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STEP ONE: Agree To Work It Out

Resolving a conflict begins when one (or both) of the people involved in the conflict decides it is time to
negotiate and does something about it. This can be a simple process of telling the other person that you
want to talk about the issue.

Sometimes you can discuss the issue right on the spot. However, some people act on impulse when
they really need time to think about it and reflect on possible actions. Things are said and done that
may be regretted later. This is especially true it one or both people are so angry that the person needs
time to calm down. Negotiation is not immediately possible because individuals need time to work out
their feelings and examine the situation in a more reasoned manner.
Sometimes the situation is not suitable for a discussion. Working out a conflict in the middle of a movie
theater or a friends part is not the best idea. Finding a fair time and place will give your negotiation a
head start.

2. Think back to a time that you had a conflict with someone. How did you handle it? How did
the other person handle it? Was the conflict resolved to your satisfaction? Would you have
done anything differently?
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STEP TWO: State Your Feelings

It is important for both people to express their feelings so that each person has the opportunity to really
understand the other persons perspective. These important feelings need to be expressed in ways that
do not threaten or blame the other person.

One way to do this is to use I messages, statements that describe how the person feels or what the
person thinks without blaming someone else. Im glad you called, I was very embarrassed when you
made those remarks, I was angry, Im sorry I yelled, I like to win, and I dont see it as that
important are statements that tell about feelings but do not blame the other person. I messages can
clearly describe each persons feelings, indicate the problem, and state who wants something to be
done about it.

The use of you statements has a negative blaming context, as in You could have done much better on
that assignment. You messages do not always use the word you. A you message can also include
a reference to a third part such as others or someone. Everybody does it that way or No one else
feels that way does not directly tell about the feelings of the partners and contributes nothing positive
to the process.

STEP THREE: State What Has Happened

By sending I messages, both people are beginning to describe what has happened. In this state it is
important that neither person blame the other, send you messages, or try to reach a solution too
quickly. Both people need time to feel comfortable communicating like this so that there is less chance
of feeling like not caring about the situation, or hostility and anger.
Of course, good communication skills active listening and reflecting back will really help the
negotiation process. Active listening involves each person being focused on what the other person is
actually saying by facing the speak, using eye contact but not staring, not interrupting and avoiding
emotional responses to what is being said, as well as noting the time, gestures and expressions of the
other person because these may be clues as to what might be emotionally difficult to talk about.

Reflecting back and clarifying statements such as Im not sure I understand what you meant when you
said and Did you say? will help the listener get a clear message.

3. What is active listening?

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4. What body language is important when actively listening?
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STEP FOUR: State What You Need

Each person must state their own needs, what they need for themselves. These statements tell what
each person needs to have in order to resolve the conflict; remember we all have needs.

Needs statements are I messages; they do not use you, someone or people. It is appropriate to
state that I need more privacy, I need more money to make this worth my time, or I need to pick
my own friends. These are I messages that tell about that persons needs.

Needs statements do not say what another person should do and they do not blame. It is not
appropriate to say, I need for you to be a better player.

It is very important to remember that needs and solutions to a problem are different things. Solutions
are ways in which people in a conflict can have their needs met. However, saying what you need is not
the same as saying a solution. In negotiation, needs statements provide a bridge between stating ones
feelings and beginning to solve the problem.

STEP FIVE: Brainstorm Ideas

Brainstorming is simply a way to generate a lot of ideas quickly. This purpose is to list as many ideas as
possible without spending time judging the ideas as they are said. Instead, all the ideas are written
down so that they can be considered later because a closer look may reveal a positive point which
would not have been considered if the idea had been tossed out. Of course, none of the ideas should be
harmful to another person.

Sometimes people try to solve a problem by considering only a couple of options. This puts the partners
at a disadvantage as potentially better solutions might not even be considered. It is important to take
the time to create a good list of options.
STEP SIX: Choose the Best Solution

Once there is a list of options, the partners must discuss each one to determine 1) which will work, 2)
which helps to resolve the conflict, and 3) which wills satisfy both partners. It is important to remember
everyone involved in the conflict must be satisfied; otherwise the conflict will not be fully resolved. Go
down the list of options and with each possible solution, ask these questions:

What is the short term impact?

What is the long term impact?
Who is satisfied?
Whose needs are met?
How appropriate is this solution?

From all the possible solutions, the people in conflict need to make a choice. Sometimes the answer is
clear. In fact, sometimes there is more than one solution that is acceptable to all the people involved.

But sometimes the solution requires give and take on the part of the people involved. Compromise
involves giving up some things and receiving slightly less than was asked for, in order to settle the
differences between people in conflict. Being willing to meet the person halfway reflects the idea that
compromise can settle differences.

Not all conflicts can be solved quickly. Some conflicts demand much time for reflection or a great deal
of compromise before a solution can be found. For some conflicts, the solution is clear but requires a
great deal of effort. The people involved must be willing to make the effort and stick with it until the
conflict is resolved.

5. When reviewing a list of brainstormed ideas, what are the five (5) questions that you and your
partner must ask yourself?
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STEP SEVEN: Try Out the Solution

A solution that looks good on paper and seems acceptable to the people involved only works if it is put
into practice. This takes work. It may be necessary to have a plan for putting the solution into effect.
Planning for a solution includes deciding who does what, with whom, under what conditions, at what
time and in what place. These guidelines can make the plan for a solution very clear and simpler to
follow. Sometimes the solution that looks good on paper may actually create problems or hold
surprises. This is normal; the people involved have to pay attention to how the solution is working and
be willing to make changes to the solution if needed. It may be necessary to modify the solution if it
isnt really working. Working towards a solution can actually bring conflicting people closer together if
their goals are the same and they want to solve the problem. The people involved have to be willing to
discuss how things are going. This is a way of evaluating their success.

STAGES OF CONFLICT: Good news! It is possible to resolve conflict in relationships!

Stage 1: Somethings wrong

Stage 2: The mole hill becomes a mountain
Stage 3: The fight is on
Stage 4: Raise the stakes or settle the issue
Stage 5: On the way out
Stage 6: Its over

The Importance of Feelings in Conflict

Each of us is a bit different in our view of ourselves and the world around us. Our individuality exists
because we see the world, events around us and other people in unique ways. Therefore, the way we
feel about what we see is also very personal. In relationships, partners can feel differently about the
same situation or issue.

These feelings will play a major role in the way a conflict is handled. In addition to this, the feelings of
each partner in a relationship can change.

This change of feelings can come from a new experience. Imagine a child who feels comfortable and
safe playing in a grass field until, one day, a surprise hail storm strike s and the child runs home wet and
scared. After that experience, the child may never feel quite as safe in the field.

Just as feelings change with sudden incidents such as a hail storm, ones feelings can also change over a
period of time. For example as we grow older, our feelings about many things shift and change. These
changes may not seem as dramatic but they still have a significant impact on persons relationships.

6. What are the five stages of conflict?

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Feelings and Actions

A persons feelings can affect the actions that person chooses to take. In fact, the feelings about one
situation even an affect how a person reacts to another totally unrelated event. Our feelings can
complicate the actions and reactions we have when we are handling conflict. While it is important to
recognize that our personal feelings are acceptable, the real issue is what we choose to do in response
to our feelings. We decide what actions we will take. While one decision can lead to an improvement in
a situation, another decision may make the situation worse.

Impulse or Reflection

People can choose to act on impulse or to reflect on the consequences prior to their actions. To act on
impulse is to take the first action that enters our mind in response to a feeling. Reflection means that,
prior to choosing a plan of action, we consider the consequences of each potential act. Sometimes only
a few seconds are available for reflection while, at other times, we can take more time to think about
the best course of action. Reflection usually results in better decisions because there is time to consider
more options. One way to act responsibly, in a caring and considerate way, is to reflect ton choices
before acting to deal with a conflict. To reflect we need to stop and think for a moment and ask
ourselves:
What do I want to do?
What are my options?
What is best to do?

Time for reflection is one way to balance the powerful effect of our emotions with the decision making
skills we have so that a conflict can be resolved in the best way possible.

7. Discuss an incident where you and a friend/family member felt differently about an identical
situation.
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Part 2: And They Lived Happily Ever After_________________________________________________

Using your notes and your brainpower, write a short story/fairytale/drama/etc. where a conflict
is worked out in an appropriate fashion and the individuals lived happily ever after.

The point of this assignment is to see that you understand the essential steps of working out a
conflict so make sure that these steps are explicitly set out in your story. Like a proper
story/fairytale/drama, your story must be illustrated with colorful, appropriate drawings.

Evaluation:
Clearly shows/describes/depicts the steps to handle a conflict /25
Illustrated /10
Creativity /5
Part 3: I Statements_________________________________________________________

Task: An I statement is a statement of your feelings that does not blame or judge the other
person. The statement starts with I feel, I want, Im upset because. Change the
following you statements to I statements.

You Statements I Statements

You never call me when I ask you to!

Will you turn down your stereo? I cant

hear myself think!

Will you clean your room? Ive asked you

to do it five times!

You are so annoying when you tease me!

Why dont you grow up and stop acting

like a baby?!

Will you stop interrupting me?

You cant play basketball, you stink! Go

play on another team.

Its your fault I got in trouble! Why did

you have to tell on me?
You always ignore me when your other
friends are around!

You never let me do anything!

You dont you do your own homework

and stop copying mine?!

You are so moody sometimes!

You never told us the assignment was

due today! Thats not fair!