My Fears

By Gloria Salapo

This is dedicated to my fear, the one that haunts me every day, causing immense struggle and

anxiety with life. Why do you haunt me? Why do you chase me around? You make me want to

live isolated deep within the crust of the earth. Why am I afraid of people staring at me? Is it

something that's common? Why are you after my life? I've been trying to break free from you

and every time I do, you always seem to come back. Why do you make me afraid of people

staring at me, which makes me afraid of attention and overall makes me self-conscious about

myself thus forming mini panic attacks. They say this fear could be traced to a traumatic event,

which may be the cause of you. Those who were bullied or made fun of can be at an increased

risk. This could explain why Im sensitive to criticism, this is significant to my childhood as it

wasn't all rainbows and sunshine. As a child, I had to live, grow, and change without my parents

being there for four years. I was still around family but I didn't have all the love I needed from

my parents. I still loved them and they still loved me but I needed them during certain periods in

of my life and they weren't there. When I moved here, I had to adapt to my new surrounding and

environment in an instant. A week after coming to America, I went to school. Could you imagine

coming to a new country by yourself, eight years old, not knowing the language, people and

culture, not knowing who or how your siblings are, and not knowing anything about your

parents, and then sent to school a week after? It was tough, but I never realized how tough it

would be until I was constantly bullied and made fun of for being African and coming from

Africa. I would come home crying almost every day, asking my parents why do they hate me,

that was my traumatic event. I had to fit in to be accepted, to conform to society's norms and

when I didn't I would get judged and criticized. That's where you came in, because whenever I

wouldnt fit in I would have that constant fear of people seeing me and criticizing me for being
different so I hated having attention. I went through immense agony in third and fourth grade but

the pain you cause me doesn't always go away like bullies, it sticks with me and haunts me till I

panic and calm myself down. Telling myself that you only exist in my head and to think positive

and convince myself that Im not crazy. That theres nothing wrong with me even though people

are staring at me, that Im normal and all I have to do is blend in and act calm down. Constantly

repeating Im not crazy, Im not crazy, Im not crazy, calm down Gloria before everyone notices.

Ever since I was little, ever since Ive lived here, due to being foreign I was a shy girl, but you

impacted my life ever since junior year of high school. You never got this bad until the first

semester of junior year, taking a class where I only two people, imagine the torture you put me

though. As I sat in that seat, watching the clock, waiting for the bell to ring so I could finally be

unchained from your captivity. I also remember the stress and anxiety you caused me every day

as I walked to English class second semester of senior year. Walking to that class everyday not

knowing what you would trigger in me was one of the worst things Ive ever experienced in my

life. I remember at the end of lunch, I would go to the bathroom, put on deodorant and perfume,

making sure I smell good so I don't get judged and made fun of. Then I would begin to walk to

class, I could feel my hands getting cold, my body getting hot and sweaty, my ears being on fire,

my heart beating so fast that I could block out every single noise outside of my surrounding and

just hear it beating, as if cotton were in my ears. I remember my hands shaking, and my walk

being wobbly when I thought people were staring at me from the back. I remember freaking out

internally thinking; I hate seeing all those people look at me when I walk in, I hate sitting around

guys who will probably notice when I sweat and think Im musty, I hate being called on because

the attention gives me anxiety so I have to keep my head down and look like Im working, I hate

that I have to sit there and close my armpits as tight as I can hoping no will see me sweating and
smell the odor of male antiperspirant because my sweating is excessive. I loved the teacher and

the class, but I didn't feel comfortable at first in that class and that caused me to be very self-

conscious about myself. You came in causing apprehension as I walked in that class trying to

seem calm and collected so people won't see the effect you have on me. As they stared at my

hair, my clothing, my face, they saw me but never realized how I was suffocating in my own

thoughts as you consumed me with all your horrible words that would constantly run through my

mind; they're probably wondering why Im so quiet, are people staring at me or am I just

imagining that? do I smell? why does that guy keep looking at me? do I look calm? can people

see that Im freaking out right now? did I put on perfume before I came here? why am I so

nervous? I can't raise my hand because I hate people looking at me when the teacher calls my

name, I can't raise my hand because everyone would smell my body odor and I hate attention,

ahhhhhh!!! Am I going crazy. Sometimes I do think I am crazy, but I realized as time went on I

got better handling these situations. I became more relaxed and comfortable the more I got to

know my peers. This allowed me to be less self-conscious and not freak out as much because I

was no longer focusing so much on what others thought of me, I was truly enjoying being around

those people and I made wonderful friends. I'm not saying I completely got you out of my mind,

you would come back every now and then when we got new seats. Because I didnt know the

people who sat around me, I would go through my full stages of constant fear of those people,

but gradually I adapted and came to accept it. I realized that even if I couldn't make you go away,

time was my friend, as days, weeks and months passed, my distress of you degraded. I shut you

down and learned to become my own person without caring about what others think. You can

haunt me in the hallway, in the classroom, and in new public places, but you can't haunt my
happiness because thats what matters to me the most. I am now more than a conqueror, I am

unchained.