Rachael Carey

Professor Keith Radley

COMM 2110

18 April 2017

Relational Change Project

Overview

Unwanted communication patterns, there are many and they are easy to fall in to. At the
beginning of the semester I had made a goal to listen more actively, not let my thoughts
wander or be distracted by my own preoccupations. Throughout the semester my goal
evolved into listening without judging, trying to be more open and receptive, pushing
myself out of my comfort zone and trying to start conversations with others, and last, I
found I had been gunny sacking with a few of the close people in my life. I had put in
place a few strategies to start with; focusing on social decentering think about the other
persons thoughts, values, background and perspective (Beebe, 2008, p.138)
Empathizing, I will try to listen to the meaning of the words and the meaning behind the
words (Beebe, 2008, p.138) and also, using the technique Stop, Look and Listen. The
constraints and challenges that I faced while trying to enact these changes were both big
and small. I was faced with trying to enact these changes at home, with a teenager who
generally doesnt want to be challenged to have conversations at all. I was challenged by
my family, in efforts to be more empathetic and understanding I wanted to try to have
some sort of relationship with my sister, she has her own personal struggles that she
battles every day that often get in the way of connecting with others, and I have a hard
time with these barriers. My biggest obstacle came from nurture. I was raised in a home
where my parents felt the need to portray a pristine faade, but along with these
expectations came judging of self and others. This kind of negative self-talk impacts how
you think of and see other people, as well as yourself and this is something I know I can
do at times. I have always tried my best to get away from this destructive behavior, but
setting these goals for myself made me see just how much work I needed to do. I started
implementing the strategies I had set on February 1st 2017. I made several signs that I put
on the mirrors in my house, they said Listen Actively! and Stop, Look, and Listen I
also put a reminder on my phone that would pop up every day. I used my own little
family to help refine some of my skills; we use dinnertime as our conversation and active
listening time. Setting time aside to ask to ask thoughtful questions and genuinely listen
was a good way to practice and also helps our family. I tried to set up times with my
sister and the rest of my family to get together but from the beginning of the semester I
have seen them twice. Implementing my goals and strategies was easy to do if I really
take the time to work through each step and think, but I still rush and forget to apply my
strategies 100% of the time. My results for this project have been eye opening, I have
been made aware of things I do, say and think of that in the past I have overlooked. When
we covered gunny sacking in class, I had a moment of realization and decided I needed to
start working through all of the negativity I carry around with me. The project was much
needed in my personal life, with mostly positive results. There are a few
recommendations I have for myself now that I have been through it all for the last few
months, I would like to have pushed myself harder outside of work and my family, made
more friend and school specific goals. This is just more incentive to continue with my
strategies and goals as well as build from them.

Unwanted Communication Pattern

The communication patterns that I decided to focus on when I started this project was my
struggle to listen actively. I would find myself missing half the conversation and trying to
piece facts together to be able to respond to questions. I find that I can be distracted
easily, thinking of myself and my own personal life and needs instead of being truly
present in the conversation. Often I would only hear half the conversation and then move
on mentally to the next topic I wanted to address without really hearing what the other
person had to say, which would also make me interrupt others so I could get the
information that I was so eager to receive. At home with my wife I do this, and still find
myself doing it on occasion. I will spill out a whole bunch of information, wanting
immediate answers without much regard for her feelings. At work I have encountered
plenty of situations where I may have put my foot in my mouth because I spoke without
thinking and without really listening to my client, not truly taking note of how they were
reacting both with spoken language and unspoken language. Just after Christmas I had a
conversation with my mother that I thought was light hearted and jovial, we were talking
about a situation with her brother, my uncle, and I was so involved in my own thoughts
that I didnt even realize we were talking about to different brothers. My mother was
talking about her oldest brother, who had just recently passed away, and I was talking
about her younger brother who owes my parents a lot of money and has created many
problems in the family. I said something that was really quite rude, that I should not have
said at all, but it was even worse because my mother thought I was being hurtful and
mean to her dead brother. These are just a few examples of how badly I needed a change
in my ability to actively listen and think outside of myself.

Strategies

The strategies that I decided to implement at the beginning of the semester are; focusing
on social decentering, thinking of other people and how they may feel, think and where
others, really listening to the meaning behind their words, trying to understand and think
about how they must feel and what I would like to hear in a similar situation. I also set
forth the strategy of Stop, Look and Listen in an effort to minimize my distractions and
really monitor the meaning in the nonverbal messages and focus on the details and major
ideas (Beebe, 2008, p.356). I also found of the course of the semester that I had other
unwanted patterns that needed to be addressed. I found that I judged harshly and I also
am terrible when it comes to gunny sacking. Having a heightened awareness of these
problems has given me the ability to start to deal with them. There will always be a battle
in my head not to do these things, but knowing that I do them gives me perspective and
makes me think before I speak.

Constraints

Each day brings a new set of constraints and challenges; I faced several throughout the
course of the semester. Everyone has different issues to face with communication, for me
personally I struggle on a daily basis just to step outside my little comfort zone, push
myself to strike up a conversation with others and ask difficult questions. My family
always felt this need to be perfect, to make everyone think that we were perfect. How my
parents raised us my father would remind me, when I was younger, that people are
watching and judging us by the way we present ourselves. I really believe that a lot of the
negative self-talk that was instilled in me was from the years of my parents judging
themselves and other people. Other than my own internal struggles, I also faced some
outside constraints. I have a teenage daughter who does not want to have most
conversations, trying to implement my strategies at home with her were a big challenge.
One of my goals was to focus on empathy, I really want to have a better relationship with
my sister and family, whom I dont totally understand and have a hard time really
empathizing with. My little sister has borderline personality disorder, along with that
comes a lot of anxiety, depression and mood swings, trying to arrange things with her is
like pulling teeth. I made a big effort over the last few months to try to see my sister and
family more often, but I was not getting much help from them. I give up too easily
sometimes, and I let the hard things go by the wayside because its easier. These are just a
few of the constraints that I had a hard time dealing with throughout this project.

Implementation

I began implementing my strategies on February 1st 2017. I started by hanging signs on

the mirrors at my house, I put one in my bedroom that said Listen Actively! and on in
the bathroom that said Stop, Look, and Listen! I also put a reminder on my phone that
would pop up daily to help me throughout the day. We dont get to see each other a whole
lot at my house, but we always sit down to dinner at the table, at least a few times a week.
We decided to use this time as our conversation and active listening time. I would try to
ask better questions, more pointed and specific, not only for my own personal gain, but
also to let my daughter and wife know that I am genuinely interested and that I care.
Having my little family on the same page really did help and it was also good for our
dynamic at home. As I mentioned earlier, I struggle with my sister and family, part of my
goal was to have a better relationship with them by setting aside my judgments and
empathizing. I made a big effort over the last few months to see them and do more with
my sister. I was really only able to see my family twice and got together with my sister
outside of that, one time. There were many failed attempts to do something with my
sister, but it did get us talking at least a little more than we were before. I know that I will
always have to do most of the leg work with my family if I want to see them, but I am
hopeful that one day we will have a relationship that is more open and where we can all
find the time for each other. The major problem with implementing my strategies are that
they are all up to me, I need to make a conscious effort to apply them to my daily life. I
have to be reasonable for my actions and thoughts. The more I push myself and the more
I implement my strategies into my daily life, the easier it is to do.

Results

Throughout the semester my goals multiplied and deepened. The more we learned about
in class, the more I became aware of in my personal life. The ability to recognize the
power of words and thoughts and just how strong they are made a big impact on me, and
this is something I really want my daughter to understand. We covered so many things in
class that I really took to heart, but one that made me really analyze my own thoughts
was the conflict resolution tactic of gunny sacking. I actually ended up doing a bit more
reading outside of our text books about this; I knew I wanted more information about it
and how to resolve the reoccurring issue in my own life. I am very guilt of gunny
sacking, its my fight tactic and I am not proud of it. I decided that I needed to start
working through all of the negativity that I carry around with me. My results were not the
most outstanding or mind-blowing; I did not wake up one day and find myself a
completely changed person, having conquered all of my weaknesses and inabilities. I did
have a slow and steady eye opening experience that allowed me to realize where I needed
to work on things and give me a little insight as to why I do the things I do. I am actually
very grateful for the opportunity to take this class and really push myself a little harder. I
made the time to be more social, attend gatherings that I usually blow off, and talk to
people that I struggle to have conversations with. Although I was only able to get together
with my sister and family a few times, I did manage to open up a door that may not have
been there before. I really believe that it is the start of the something positive. There will
always be new goals for me to work on, and new ways for me to try to implement them.
The only negative consequence that I can think of during this project would be that I
starting thinking about all of the things that I do wrong, and thinking in a overly critical
and negative way. This all relates back to the power of words though, my self-talk was
spiraling into a bad place and I let it get to that point, which is all in my control. I can
control how I feel by controlling my choice of words and how I choose to describe those
feelings.
Recommendations

In the future I plan to continue trying to listen actively, listening and paying close
attention to whoever is speaking. You never know when the conversation you are having
with somebody could be making a huge impact and how much they may really need you
at that moment. If somebody feels like you really care, are trying to understand how they
feel, it could change their entire outlook. Social decentering is something that I know I
still need a lot of work on and need to continue to strive to think outside of myself more
often. Many times I have made mistakes simply because I project my own thoughts,
feelings and beliefs onto somebody else that may not think that way. I had an experience
during the course of this project that made me realize just how much I need to focus on
social decentering. I was talking to a client of mine about transgender bathroom rights,
and I went off on a rant about how horrible I think people are that insist on everyone
using the bathroom that correlates with their assigned gender at birth. i was not nice about
how I felt and let my emotions get the better of me, because I was only thinking of
myself and how I feel, I also assumed that this client of mine also felt the same way that
I do. My client was quiet for a moment and then told me that she doesnt agree with
everything that I had to say, that that she was even a little bit offended. She took the time
to explain to me how she felt and why she felt that way. I was completely mortified by
my behavior and was actually really grateful for the opportunity to hear how somebody
else feels, and have a rational, and educated conversation about it. This experience taught
me a lot, and has made a big impact on how I go about my conversations with others. I
am now hyperaware of words, what impact they may have and who I could be hurting. I
still slip now and then, but I am making a significant effort to change my ways.

Recognizing my tendency to hold things in and not have honest conversations with others
has created many problems for me, one of which is the gunny sacking. My wife and I
have had a few conversations about this topic, I was even able to apologize to her for
dragging her though past issues over and over again. This is something she has agreed to
try to help me with; we now have the code word gunny for when I start to bring up old
issues that I never dealt with. We will have a real conversation and try to resolve the issue
in an effort to help us both heal and move on. These are only a fraction of what I plan to
do, and the goals I want to make and hold on to for the future. It sometimes feels
overwhelming just thinking about everything that I need to try to focus on, and then I
realize that I am not alone in my efforts and I dont have to change all at once. This has
been a wonderful experience and a perfect way to help me in my own life.
Works Cited

Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond. (2008). Interpersonal Communication: Relating to

Others. Boston: Pearson Education / Allyn & Bacon

Watson, R. (2016, August 09). Choose Forgiveness and Gratitude Over Gunny
Sacking. Retrieved April 20, 2017, from
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-and-gratitude/201608/choose-
forgiveness-and-gratitude-over-gunny-sacking