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What Makes a Man

Through various conversations with my mother about my childhood, I have come to

discover that, among other things, I was never really the daughter she expected me to be. She can

recall numerous attempts at trying to awaken my inner girliness by throwing dresses, dolls, and

other effeminate objects my way, all of which were promptly left in the corner of my room to

collect dust. With these seemingly irresistible items, my mother thought that maybe, just maybe,

she could make my dormant girliness erupt into a pristine, pastel pink volcano of unstoppable,

unadulterated girliness, spewing out Disney princess make-up kits, handmade flower crowns,

and Barbies very own dream house. To my mothers dismay, putting dresses on me sparked

nothing more than a yawn, and sparkly, flowery headbands made me happy only in that I could

read without my bangs getting in the way.

Luckily, being a young girl completely apathetic towards femininity did not negatively

affect me in the slightest, as society has become increasingly open to the idea of women and girls

straying away from hyper-feminine or traditionally feminine roles or ideals. My mother

eventually gave up trying to feminize me and embraced me for who I was, but I have often

thought about what she or my father would have done had I been born a boy. Would they have

been able to fully accept a son who showed similar apathy to traditionally masculine activities?

Thinking about this aspect of my childhood often leads me to ponder the huge disparity between

the responses parents and society have towards girls defying female gender stereotypes and the

responses towards boys defying their own.

The media continues to push empowering messages for women, girls, and parents to tear

down age-old expectations of what a woman should be, yet it has failed to pay equal attention to

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the young boys faced with similarly restrictive and suffocating conventions of what a man should

be. Substantial research has been devoted to the effects of a male-dominated world on women,

yet a similar amount of time and effort has not addressed how boys are affected by a

male-dominated world that expects strength, dominance, and self-sufficiency to the nth degree.

Although the commentaries on broadening opportunities for women and young girls are

imperative towards progressing society, forgetting the impact of gender stereotypes on boys

childhood and maturation is a disservice to the many growing boys struggling to live up to often

unrealistic expectations. With this issue yet to be given the attention and concern it deserves, I

am pushed to ask my question: How do gender stereotypes affect how parents raise boys, and

how does this affect boys in the long-term?

The name of the assisted living center I visited is the epitome of a warm welcome:

Sunrise of Walnut Creek. Before this visit, I had never been to any sort of senior living

community. To my knowledge, they were either, A: cozy environments with walls painted a

warm color, classical music in the background, and elderly people wandering about with bright

smiles, or B: cold, concrete asylums with old record players scratching out sad tunes and elderly

people wearing stained gray sweats and perpetual hairy eyeballs. I was glad to enter Sunrise of

Walnut Creek and see tan walls and hear a piano; I immediately felt welcome.

I visited Sunrise of Walnut Creek to interview two male residents about their experience

with gender stereotypes in their upbringing. While slowly making my way to the front desk,

weaving my way through residents shuffling around the room, I heard a sudden, booming yell

from an adjacent room, B25! This instantly made me forget why I was there. I could not stifle

my laughter when I turned to my left and saw a table of four elderly women with intensely curled

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hair hunched over Bingo game cards, asking for the volunteer to repeat the number. In a

surprising twist, the lone man in the bunch, initially hidden from my view, won the game with

B25, grumbling, Bingo. Bingo. Wholly unsatisfied with his win, the man leaned back in his

wheelchair and sighed. This action brought me back to the purpose of my project. How quickly I

got caught up in the hilarity of the situation rather than the old mans solemnity reminded me of

how often males emotional problems are overlooked in society. This was exactly why I chose to

focus my senior project on males in the first place. Interestingly enough, the man in low spirits

turned out to be one of the very residents I was to interview that day, and this Bingo incident that

lasted only a few minutes inspired me to pay all of my attention to the lives and struggles of men

in society.

The habituation towards gender roles begins at a very young age. From a boys first days

swaddled in a blue blanket to his countless hours watching Hollywoods toughest men take on

the world, young boys, in general, come into regular contact with male gender stereotypes and

social expectations. However, the most influential figure in a childs growing self concept and

gender role development is his/her parents/caretakers. Indeed, children learn chiefly through

their parents the appropriate behavior and interests for their gender, with parents oftentimes

passing on, both overtly and covertly, to their children their own beliefs about gender (Witt

253-259). Although society is trying to move away from conventional divides between male and

female, there is still a marked contrast between sympathy and understanding towards the two

sexes due to enduring ideas of hegemonic masculinity. This leads to males emotional and

mental problems frequently going unnoticed (Swami). In this way, although male sex roles have

existed since the early years of humankind and assimilate growing children into society, the

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tradition and its implications on parenting have significant effects on young and old male adults

emotional health and lifestyle.

One of the most talked-about issues in the topic of masculinity is emotional expression.

Aggression, a traditionally masculine characteristic, is closely linked to restrained emotional

expression. Barbara Williams, a woman who holds a masters degree in clinical psychology and

mothers three sons, explained, The problem we see with boys they dont have an emotional

literacy. They say Im angry or nothing at all (Olson). A prominent catalyst for the vast

differences between male and female aggressive behaviors is the influence of social roles. Social

roles provide expectancies about gendered characteristics, leading to different patterns of

behavior that are transmitted to future generations through socialization processes (Archer 293).

Gender roles are a subset of social roles and outline what behaviors are appropriate or acceptable

to either sex, and part of the traditional masculine gender role is aggression. As in almost all

cultures, toughness is a trait encouraged for boys more so than girls (Maccoby and DAndrade

193), and the aggression-driven aspect of masculinity is generally heavily rewarded for young

boys within their peer groups. During adolescence, boys who assume gender-normative

masculinity, which encourages aggressive expression, have been shown to enjoy more

self-confidence and better hierarchical positioning within their peer group (Randell et al.). For

example, a star football player will receive much higher social status and peer approval than a

high-achieving student. In a society where traditional masculinity is so beneficial early on in an

individuals life, it is no wonder why males are disproportionately exposed to parenting practices

that promote physically aggressive behaviors (Tieger 943-963). With these societal norms and

stereotypes still very much in place, many parents may feel pressured to allow or to encourage

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their son to conform. This inevitably leads to more and more males expressing anger freely

relative to females.

Furthermore, as young boys grow, they will engage in a process known as modeling in

which they manifest the traits of the father. If the father is loving and kind, the son will imitate

those traits. Likewise, a son will imitate persistent negative characteristics as well (Gross). And

studies have shown that many boys will retain a propensity towards aggression in adulthood if

aggression is encouraged/reinforced at a young age (qtd. in Mussen et al. 341). Here, one can see

a potential cycle begin: a son, raised to be expressive with anger, becomes a father, who passes

on his aggressive inclinations to his own son, who passes on the same traits to his son, and so on.

Again, the social advantage adolescent boys receive through abiding by male gender stereotypes

may only further parents reinforcement of these modeling behaviors. Through these

developmental phases and parental influences, we can see how the trend of heightened

aggressive expression in males continues on through later life and through generations.

However, the consequences of pushing males into a mold with absent emotional

expression do not stop at mens tendency towards aggression. One may say that the suppressant

male gender stereotypes place on emotional expression is the bud that blooms the sundry of

deeply personal problems boys and men often face. One of these problems is the high rates of

depression in the male population.

One study showed that parents are more likely to use emotional words with daughters

rather than sons (Aznar and Tenenbaum). Another study found that by the time children were 70

months old, girls expressed more unique emotion terms than did boys (Adams et al.).

Consequently, boys learn that discussing emotions and being expressive is for females, leading

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to many boys/men who do not have the emotional intelligence that girls/women have to cope

well with their emotions. With all of these factors taken into account, it is not surprising that

many men struggle with feelings of hopelessness and loneliness in a world that discourages the

sort of expression needed to reach out for help. And over time, these social pressures have

disastrous consequences. Many teenage boys are at a high risk for depression and drug or alcohol

abuse because they are taught to repress their emotions and never learn to adequately connect

with their feelings (Erwin 92-99). A study conducted by John Oliffe and other university faculty

members revealed that conforming to Western masculinity norms was correlated with depression

in college men who self-identified or were formally diagnosed with depression. More

specifically, participants had difficulties balancing a negative sense of self with a confident

public persona and had trouble maintaining intimate relationships (Oliffe et al.). The masculinity

that serves adolescent males so well in their peer group comes back to haunt them as they

mature, when emotional maturity becomes more and more important towards finding

contentment. Because of this lacking emotional literacy, men often fail to form the meaningful

relationships that would help them prosper in life. According to the American Foundation for

Suicide Prevention, women attempt to commit suicide four time more often than men, but men

die by suicide three times more often than women (Suicide Statistics). When I communicated

this sobering statistic to Mary Tsuboi, Northgate High Schools school psychologist in her small,

private office, she contemplated for a moment before nodding and quickly asserting, That

makes perfect sense. I think because women [try to do it], and then they reach out for help. If

boys are gonna do it, whos he gonna turn to? Nobody.

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Beyond emotional health, male gender stereotypes significantly affect a mans lifestyle as

it relates to their perception of women. The restrictive nature of male gender stereotypes is a

notable factor in many men's reluctance to accept gender equality or obliviousness to gender

inequality.

In the fight for gender equality, men have largely been kept on the sidelines. The problem

with this approach is that it does not address the continuity of long-standing beliefs that many

boys/men have regarding the position of women in society. These beliefs, of course, establish

themselves in adolescence. A study by Plan International of 4,000 adolescents boys from India,

Rwanda, and the United Kingdom showed that boys are often conditioned to have negative

attitudes towards women. For example, about 65% of the respondents from Rwanda and India

partially or totally supported the idea of women tolerating violence to keep the family together

(Why involving men). The fact that these sentiments emerge during child-rearing periods

suggests that the stereotypical view of male dominance begins in the home. Wenter Shyu, one of

the program directors at the Oakland Asian Cultural Center, shared a very familiar point of view

on how males are raised to perceive women as inferior. Like Mrs. Tsuboi, Mr. Shyu responded to

my inquiry on the consequences of male gender stereotypes rather quickly, Theres definitely

like a macho, machismo kind of feel, you know? Where in Chinese, [they call it] the big man.

And . . . its kind of about looking down on the woman a little bit, [and the] female counterparts

have to listen to the man.

As previously stated, hegemonic forms of masculinity, characterized by emotional

control, make it hard for conforming males to seek help for depressive symptoms. An analysis

into the relationship between depression and gender identity for men found that while recovering

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from depression, men commonly resort to reasserting their masculinity through various activities

in order to obtain a sense of value in themselves (Emslie et al. 2246-2257). What this research

shows is that traditional masculinity is unwavering to change and is deeply ingrained in the male

lexicon. If males must reaffirm their masculinity to regain a sense of value within themselves,

then abandoning it for the cause of women or gender equality is highly counterintuitive to their

self-interest and wellbeing. In other words, traditional masculinity is not equipped to respond to

challenges that threaten its integrity, such as depression and gender equality (Edwards).

Masculinity, as it is, traps many males into a societal perspective that looks down on women.

The fact that males worldwide are conditioned to believe in inherent male dominance and

that traditional masculinity is such a vital characteristic in mens definition of self-worth can

explain why a large percentage of men in the world either do not believe in gender equality, or

do not perceive an imbalance (Why involving men). In other words, if males are taught to trust

and believe that men are superior to women, they would not be able to champion gender

equality, as the concept is foreign to their understanding of the gender hierarchy. In this way,

masculinity works to blind men to the truth of gender equality or to push them away from its

societal merit. This proves the power of masculinity and its detriments to mens perception of

women.

Through writing this paper and completing some of my project, I have gained a

newfound appreciation for men and their varied struggles growing up. This subject was not one

that I had thought about extensively beforehand and nor was it one that I considered to be an

incredibly meaningful issue. Of course, I now comprehend the gravity of the many men

struggling to assimilate in a heavily constructed male gender role. Overall, this experience has

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reaffirmed that I enjoy getting to know and learning about people, as the interviews I must

conduct for my project make up my favorite part of the entire assignment. There were

challenges, however, namely that I am not the best interviewer by any means. Regardless, I did

get better as the interviews went on, and I feel that I now have a decent grasp on how to

interview someone in a natural way.

There is a lot more I could have talked about in regards to my question that would have

stretched my writing past the page limit; through my research, I learned much more about the

challenges men face than what is apparent in my writing. Nevertheless, I am glad that I was able

to obtain valuable insight and perspectives that I can pass on to others, as some people did not

quite understand what I was aiming to research when I explained my project to them. This topic

is clearly important and has been overlooked for much too long, and hopefully, as society and

norms continue to evolve, more people will come to realize the necessity of understanding,

supporting, and taking care of our men.

Works Cited

Books

Edwards, Aydon. Its a Mans World: The Effect of Traditional Masculinity on Gender Equality.

Dissertation, University of Queensland, 2015.

Erwin, Cheryl. The Everything Parent's Guide To Raising Boys: A Complete Handbook to

Develop

Confidence, Promote Self-esteem, And Improve Communication. Everything, 2006.

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Maccoby, Eleanor E., and Roy G. DAndrade. The Development of Sex Differences. Stanford

University Press, 1966.

Mussen, Paul Henry, et al. Child Development and Personality. Harper & Row, Publishing,

1984.

Electronic

Gross, Gail. The Important Role of Dad. Huffington Post, 12 Aug. 2014,

www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-gail-gross/the-important-role-of-dad_b_5489093.html.

Accessed 13 March 2017.

Olson, Samantha. What It Means To Be a Man: How Male Gender Stereotypes Try To Fit

Growing

Boys Into A Mold, And Fail. Medical Daily, 22 Mar. 2015

www.medicaldaily.com/what-it-means-be-man-how-male-gender-stereotypes-try-fit-gro

wing-boys-mold-and-fail-326450. Accessed 17 March 2017.

Suicide Statistics. American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, 2015,

https://afsp.org/about-suicide/suicide-statistics/. Accessed 13 March 2017.

Why involving men is crucial. IRIN, 3 Oct. 2011,

http://www.irinnews.org/report/93870/gender-equality-why-involving-men-crucial.

Accessed March 20, 2017.

Periodicals

Adams, Susan, et al. Gender differences in parent-child conversations about past emotions: A

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longitudinal investigation. Sex Roles, vol. 33, no. 5, 1995, doi:10.1007/BF01954572.

Accessed 18 March 2017.

Archer, John. Sex Differences in Aggression in Real-World Settings: A Meta-Analytic

Review.

Review of General Psychology, vol. 8, no. 4, 2004,

domestic-violence.martinsewell.com/Archer2004.pdf. Accessed 16 March 2017.

Aznar, Ana, and Harriet R. Tenenbaum. Gender and age differences in parent-child emotion

talk.

Developmental Psychology, vol. 33, no. 1, 2015, doi: 10.1111/bjdp.12069. Accessed 18

March 2017.

Emslie, Carol, et al. Men's accounts of depression: Reconstructing or resisting hegemonic

masculinity?

Social Science & Medicine, vol. 62, no. 9, 2006, pp. 2246-2257,

http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0277953605005435. Accessed 20

March 2017.

Oliffe, John L., et al. Masculinities and college mens depression: Recursive relationships.

Health

Sociology Review, vol. 19, no. 4, 2010,

http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.5172/hesr.2010.19.4.465. Accessed 17 March

2017.

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Randell, Eve, et al. Tough, sensitive, and sincere: how adolescent boys manage masculinities

and

emotions. International Journal of Adolescence and Youth, vol. 21, no. 4, 2016,

www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/02673843.2015.1106414. Accessed 13 March

2017.

Swami, Viren. Mental health literacy of depression: gender differences and attitudinal

antecedents in a representative British sample. PLoS One, vol. 7, no. 11, 2012,

doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0049779. Accessed 18 March 2017.

Tieger, T. On the biological basis of sex difference in aggression. Child Development, vol. 54,

no. 4,

1980, pp. 943-963,

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/?term=Tieger%20T%5BAuthor%5D&cauthor=tr

ue&cauthor_uid=7471930. Accessed 18 March 2017.

Witt, Susan D. Parental Influence on Children's Socialization to Gender Roles. Adolescence,

vol. 32,

no. 126, 1997, pp. 253-259, gozips.uakron.edu/~susan8/parinf.htm. Accessed 18 March

2017.

Interview

Shyu, Wenter. Personal Interview. 8 March 2017.

Tsuboi, Mary. Personal Interview. 15 March 2017.

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