Rules That Guys Wish Girls Knew

1. Sometimes we just don't want to talk. Don't take it personally.

We notice other women because we are men and we are alive. This does not mean
2.
we're planning to dump you and jump them.
Our favorite T-shirts are not "disgraceful." They show our loyalty to our college,
3.
our favorite sports team, our favorite beer, our favorite vacation or number 23.
4. Helpless is not cute.
5. Get to the point.
Understand that men are single-minded and can only do one thing at a time. So
don't talk to us while we're doing something. We will either ignore you, because we
don't hear you "honestly), or we'll screw up what we're doing because you've
6. distracted us.
Exception to Rule 6. Interrupt us if something is on fire, if someone needs
immediate medical attention, if Pamela Lee is on TV or if there is an emergency
that needs a hero.
You can't complain that there are no good guys around while some of us are still
7.
single.
If you ask us, "Do you think she's prettier then me?" we just might say, "Yes." Then
8.
what are you going to do?
Don't expect even a great relationship with us to solve all your problems. Just
9. because we love you, doesn't mean your cellulite, your credit card debt or your bad
mood will disappear.
10. We would not wear high heels to impress you.
11. Breathe occasionally so we can get a word in.
For us, driving is not just a means of going from point A to point B. It's an
12.
opportunity to control a couple of tons of steel. We drive, therefore, we are.
If you want us to notice something, help us out by saying something like, "I went to
13.
the beauty shop today."
14. If you have to have a cat, at least don't call him "Mister" anything.
15. Hide the self help books when we come over. They make us nervous.
16. We need to vegetate.
17. We don't go shopping. When we need something, we buy it.
18. We believe our bodily functions are perfectly normal and, at times, quite amusing.
19. We don't believe you when you say money isn't important to you.
When we see pictures of Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones we feel proud
20.
and happy to be men. We don't care if it's not fair.
21. It's not that we don't want to make you happy, it's just that sometimes, we don't
 know how.
22. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.
23. If it itches, it will be scratched.
If you ask a question you don't really want an answer to, expect an answer you
24.
didn't want to hear.
25. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
Don't ask us what were thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss topis such
26.
as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
27. Sundays equals sports. Period.
28. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
29. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
30. You have enough clothes.
31. You have too many shoes.
32. Crying is blackmail.
33. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong
34.
hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar
35.
you know we check.
We're not mind readers and we never will be. OUr lack of mind-reading ability is
36.
not proof of how little we care about you.
Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at
37.
choosing which pair - out of 30 - would look good with your dress?
38. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
39.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
40. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
41. Check your oil.
42. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
43. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take any quiz together.
44. It doesn't matter which quiz.
Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments
45.
become null and void after seven days.
If you won't dress like the Victoria Secret girls, don't expect us to act like the soap
46.
opera guys.
If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes
47.
you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
48. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
49. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
50. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
If you wear a Wonderbra and a low-cut blouse, you lose the right to complain about
51.
having your boobs stared at.
Our relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going
52.
out.
Men see a limited number of colors, like Windows default settings. Peach is a fruit,
53.
not a color.
54. Ditto melon.
55. If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing is wrong.

RELATIONSHIPS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
RELATIONSHIP Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
MATHEMATICS
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production
OFFICE Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
ARITHMETIC
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
GENERAL A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
EQUATIONS &
STATISTICS
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

HAPPINESS To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her
at all.

LONGEVITY Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

MEMORY Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the
same thing.
APPEARANCE Men wake up as good-looking (or ugly) as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

PROPENSITY TO A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

CHANGE
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does

DISCUSSION A woman has the last word in any argument.

TECHNIQUE
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

COMPREHENSION There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman :
before marriage and

after marriage.

HOW TO STOP Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, cackling and poking me in the ribs,
PEOPLE FROM telling me, "You're next."
BUGGING YOU
ABOUT GETTING They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
MARRIED

MARRIAGE, Before marriage, man yearns for the woman of his dreams. After marriage, the
BEFORE AND "y" is silent
AFTER

Thanks Maria Renheim + Carol Voderman

Back to Light Relief

8 rules for dating my daughter by W. Bruce Cameron

This page is brought to you by UC Berkeley Parents Network Back to the Jokes & Quotes
Collection

8 rules for dating my daughter

Copyright 1999 W. Bruce Cameron

==> Please do NOT remove the copyright from this essay! <==

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's

father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on
his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately
affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a hand
that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how

unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my
best to make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt
them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night.

"So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that
because you're stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?"

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two
stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be
delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking
anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may
glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her
neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's
body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of

your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be
falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and
all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and
open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You
may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants
ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to assure
that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your
date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten
your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex
without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me
elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill
you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk
about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do
this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when
you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the
only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is
okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my
little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished
with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my

daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and
fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be
dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can
take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just
standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the
oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with
my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer
than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen,
or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places
where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where
the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to
wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than
overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her
adam's apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to
be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey
games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find

me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from
memory. I'd be embarrassed too-there are only eight of them, for
crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of
these cretins that I'd have these rules tattooed on his arm if he
couldn't remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is
prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his
arm with a ball point might be inadequate-ink washes off-and that
my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter's

would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the
car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule
number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few
dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy.
"Don't you remember being that age?" she challenged.

Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight

simple rules?