Awakening to

Consiciousness
A JJour
our ne
neyy fr om self to Self
from

Sandra Heber-Percy

Concern in Love

SAI TOWERS
PUBLISHING
 Awakening to
Dedication
Consiciousness
A JJour
our ne
neyy fr om self to Self
from

Copyright © 2008 Sandra Heber Percy Whenever the writing happens,

these fingers move,
All rights reserved. This book may not be reproduced in whole or in
part, or transmitted in any form, without written permission from the
yet
publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a ‘there is no one to write at all.’
review; nor may any part of this book be reproduced, stored in a
retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means therefore no one should claim copyright.
electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or other, without
written permission from the publisher. We all have started by banging our head against

a closed window panel,

Published by
Sai Towers Publishing trying to go beyond with effort
23/1142 VL Colony Kadugudi,
Bangalore 560 067 INDIA without realizing that the main door was wide open
Tel : +91 (0)80 2845 1648, 2845 5758 Fax:+91 (0)80 2845 1649 and there was no need of effort at all and nothing to
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attain.

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
Typeset in 11.5 point Garamond
ISBN 81-7899-056-3
Printed in India by Vishruti Prints
This was the leela God enjoyed most.
If anything may be labeled as mine, My gratitude is
limitless
Thank You Lord.
The outpouring of gratitude is this humble
offering in the form of a book.

v
 Foreword

The predestined meetings with contemporary

awakened ones who have realized they are nothing less
than the Absolute Brahman, cannot but bring the joy of
peace and gradually make the veils of Maya disappear.
When the awakened ones happen to appear in your life
like thunderbolts, such meetings are preordained and
represent the highest boon. They are reflections of our
own Self showing us a way of using new concepts, as a
thorn is used to take out another thorn. This is in order to
remove the old embedded concepts and conditionings
that have brought us to their feet in utter confusion. All
these reflections of the Divine Energy have their allotted
role to play, in order to re-condition our attitude towards
life in a rhythmic Cosmic Waltz, Siva’s Cosmic Dance, the
leela of the Paramatma, the Source, who is ready to reveal
“Itself” to “Itself” as the jiva, the individual soul and cannot
be anything different. When the understanding dawns
that the individual soul in reality does not exist (at all) as
separate, and (it) is not at all ‘individual’, the Cosmic Waltz
becomes an expression of gratitude and peace that
enlightened sages call ‘Suka Shanthi’, the joy of peace that
cannot be “experienced” as the ego. The ego, which is the
‘experiencer’, has now dissolved in the fire of acceptance
of not being the doer.
The awakened ones know instantly what the ego of the
person in front of them needs, I believe they scan the mind,

vii
going into its deepest nooks and crannies, into the
vibrating cells to identify immediately the need of the hour,
or see the drama Consciousness has authored. Some of
us are ready and open up instantly by the boon of grace,
others cling to old patterns a little longer. Just as a stone
to split it, may need to be hit either by 50 strokes, or one,
according to the programming and the intervention of
Grace into which one has finally woken up to by
quietening the mind.
The enlightened ones may be compared to the stillness
of a lake or a clear mirror where Consciousness plays the
role of the enlightened one, the Master or even God
Himself, dispelling the doubts of another speck of
Consciousness playing the role of the confused seeker to
whom Consciousness, as the Unbroken Whole, wants to
give deeper understanding.
This book was not meant to explain to what degree of
enlightenment all the world masters, saints and
enlightened sages I have met, have reached. You may
benefit from a small or huge ray of the Divine, but you
cannot explain the divine leela playing hide and seek
with “Itself”. The play goes on in the Cosmic womb and
Consciousness activates Itself, in order to experience
existence. The Absolute Principle, the Noumenon, cannot
know ‘It is’, and therefore manifests itself as a
superimposition on Itself. Even more difficult to
summarize in a few pages, is the Ultimate Truth and the
message that all Realised Beings give, because words are
mere concepts and useless tools to describe Reality.
All I wish, is to humbly share the rare pearls of wisdom
I was given by these great ones through the teachings I
was gradually destined to receive. To tell of the lessons,
the tests, the insights and the direct or subtle guidance,
that brought me out of the illusion and delusion I was
mired in. How I perceived them, in my attempt to purify
mind and heart, how I stumbled, how I giggled in all these
years, when all the efforts gave no results, yet how a simple
viii
glance would lead this stubborn child to a glimpse of pure
happiness, to a tiny droplet of inspiration and the deep
peace each step guided by Intelligence, Wisdom and Love
Itself, brought me to.
What is the result of this long divine soap opera? I may
encapsulate the answer in a few words: “I know nothing
and there is nothing to know, nothing to attain: it is all
God’s leela”.
The intention of this small book is to show the images
of a film the Source has directed, played and acted in this
river of life. How it happened that Sandra was guided to
change the rough course of life, the mammoth task of
pushing the current upwards, so that in time it would find
its way back home, by first hopelessly trying to understand
with the mind and, then by an insight, an intuition in the
heart, that we are all that awesome Principle of Truth and
already one with that Ocean of Love, and how it then
happened that I gave up all attempts to search further.
To share how the Divine Energy has lovingly
reconnected me to one of the sweetest reflections of the
Paramatma, the Oversoul, Sri Sathya Sai Baba; to the
enlightened saints, the loving yet strict
disciplinarian and world renown Kriya Yoga Master,
Paramahamsa Prajnanananda, the neutral and brief
appearance of an enlightened Avadhoota and a rare
enlightened Sage that finished the game of the seeking,
Ramesh. S. Balsekar. All, with no exception, had a role to
play in the understanding and unveiling by offering the
tools, the example, unsullied and unconditional love, and
deep insight, so that the profound non-dualistic teachings
could eventually seep in, to flow faster towards realizing
my own blissful nature. To share how I experienced that
they are all One with the Supreme Divine Energy, aloof
channels of pure supreme knowledge, with no
distinctions, but only interconnected Oneness, as
Consciousness is all there is. All acted the necessary part
they were allotted to play; all explained the very same
ix
Truth, using different terms. What made their teachings
appear different, was only my level of understanding.
Our life’s journey is a pilgrimage that’s always going
from one sacred space to yet another sacred space and
the very road that we are all traveling on between these
spaces is also sacred. No matter what our life looks like at Contents
the moment, we are always standing enveloped in the
reassuring amniotic liquid of the divine womb.
If any target at all exists, it is to awaken from the
delusion of being separate from everything else.

PS: Do forgive me: while writing this introduction I just
remembered, after many years what my grand mother used
to say: “Don’t ask monks and Saints about enlightenment.
One question only leads to another, as after all, not even
God can explain God. A saint isn’t any closer to
enlightenment than is a sinner. The only difference
between them is that a saint knows this while the sinner
is still pretending that he doesn’t.
But now it is too late! I was not meant to understand
her advice. Just giggle with me.
PART I
8.8.88 The First Appointment ....................................... 1
Years Go By .................................................................. 7
“So Happy To See You” ............................................... 15
The Power of Look ...................................................... 18
Himalayas .................................................................. 22
The Jyotirling and Patal ............................................. 25
This Marriage Must Work ........................................... 31
Can One Ever Abandon Him? ..................................... 36
The Dark Night of the Soul ......................................... 45

PART II

The Boon ................................................................... 53

The Day of Initiation .................................................. 59
Kriya Yoga Intensive Program .................................... 66
The Trip to Miami ....................................................... 70
Kriya Yoga in Puttaparthi ........................................... 78

Part One PART III

This Was Not The End ................................................ 87

The Odyssey Continues ............................................. 98

x xi
The Avadhoota ......................................................... 106
Dayanandaji’s Story ................................................. 116
Melting All Confusion in the Fire of Knowledge ....... 121
The Inner World Reflects on the Outer One ............. 127

PART IV
The Final Harbour: Advaita

The Happening of a Meeting ..................................... 131

The Highest Understanding ..................................... 140
Wisdom Piercing the Heart ....................................... 154
The Last Blow to the Coconut ................................... 179

PART IV
What are We Talking About?
Part I
Sages ....................................................................... 187
Stages of Consciousness .......................................... 194
A Few Hints on Advaita ............................................ 203
The Keys .................................................................. 208
Confusion ................................................................ 215
Who Created the Ego? .............................................. 221
Effort or No Effort? .................................................... 227

APPENDIX
Profiles & Flashes on the
Advaita Masters Mentioned in the Book

Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj :A Profile ........................... 235

Sri Ramana Maharshi: A Profile ................................ 257
Wei Wu Wei -Terence Grey: A Profile ....................... 276

Books Referred ......................................................... 287

About the Author ...................................................... 289

xii
CHAPTER1

8.8.88 The First Appointment

“After long searches here and there, in temples and churches, on

earths and in heavens, at last you have come back, completing
the circle from where you started, back to your own soul, to find
that He, for whom you have been seeking all over the world, for
whom you have been weeping and praying in temples and churches,
on whom you are looking as the mystery of all mysteries, is the
nearest of the near, is your own self, the reality of your life, body
and soul.”

When I first landed in 1988 in Bombay, the humid heat

enveloped me and almost left me breathless. It seemed to
warn me it was better to jump on another plane back to my
own country, Italy, or I would get entangled and trapped.
I hesitated for a few minutes, but then I felt something
like a hand pushing me from behind and, with uncertain
steps, saw myself reach a taxi, watch amazed at five porters
fighting to load one suitcase in the back of the car, and
then reach the domestic airport for the Bangalore flight.
Why had I decided to come all alone to India? Did I
really know what was in store for me? What for sure I did
not know, was that India was where I would eventually
live for many years to unsettle my life, my patterns and
eventually aim at controlling the mind, gradually slowing
down my attachment to thoughts and even spiritual
concepts, to find that deep peace and joy I had been
searching and longing for since I was born.

1
 AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS
In the early hours of the sultry morning, Bombay was
waking up and strong smells of spices mixed with the smog
of heavy traffic pollution reached my nostrils, huge eyes
of smiling children met mine and their innocent joy was
such a “welcome home” for an unknown inner part of my
being. Who, what was rejoicing?
I was on my way to Puttaparthi to verify if what I had
read about Bhagavan Sri Sathya Sai Baba in books, could
actually be real and if so, make sure I was not going to
miss such a rare and unique opportunity.
While waiting for my connection to Bangalore, an
elderly Indian couple came and asked if I was going to
see Sai Baba and, if so, to join them and travel together as
they felt a lady should not travel alone. How sweet and
caring are traditional Indians! I accepted their considerate
help as the protection sent by the invisible hand of the
Lord and felt more secure in their company. I had planned
to sleep and rest in Bangalore before moving on to
Puttaparthi, but they insisted it would be better to get a
taxi and go straight to the Ashram, so I joined them. The
landscape all along the trip was so beautiful and the
colours of the earth all tones of reds, browns and grays;
huge trees gave shade to the road for kilometers, but when
we arrived in Andhra the scenery dramatically changed
into a warm yellow red desert with soft hills or abrupt rocks
reaching up to the sky, as hands held up in prayer. It was
overwhelming. I broke the silence asking my new friends
if they had already met Sai Baba and with great
enthusiasm the husband told me his story:
“We live in London where I work as a journalist and,
ten years ago, I was sent to Prasanthi Nilayam Ashram to
write an article on Sri Sathya Sai Baba. I then did not
believe in Sai. On the second day of my stay in the Ashram
I was called in for an interview and Swami told me. ‘ Do
you remember when, during the war, you were in London
to finish your studies and you had to interrupt your work
every night, as you all had to go in the air-raid shelters?
Do you remember that evening, when you felt you were
wasting your time and decided not to move from your
2 3
8.8.88 The First Appointment
house and went on studying till an officer knocked on
your door and ordered you to vacate and join the others
in one of the air-raid shelters? That night your house was
bombed.’ And then Sai Baba added:
‘I was that officer.’
In that very moment I knew Sai was the all-knowing
pervading Divinity, the Avatar of this age. Since then our
life has changed for the better and all we have, all we are,
we owe to Him.”
Did I need to hear this? Well, yes. It is so difficult for
human beings to recognize the Divinity in what simply
looks a human being walking amidst us all! It seems so
incredible and, for a western mind, even more so, as the
concept of Avatar is so far from our culture. How are we to
be sure? In one of the books I had read that Sri Sathya Sai
Baba simply had said: “Come, witness, experience
yourselves.” So, this is what I seemed to be on the point of
doing, but how this recognition would then entirely
change the course of my life, I then did not even fathom.
At the Ashram accommodation they grudgingly allotted
me was a fifty centimeters space in a shed and there I had
to watch my reactions and adaptability. That very same
afternoon I went to have my first darshan of Sri Sathya Sai,
sat for hours in lines and then on soft sand in a beautiful
space right in front of a pink, pale blue and cream
Mandir…. in that stillness under the scorching sun one
only heard the loud chatter of the hundreds of crows
nesting in the nearby trees. We all waited and waited, and
it seemed a sacrilege to even move one’s body. The mind
was slowing down its noisy presence till it filled with peace,
as when you arrive home after a long period traveling
aimlessly around the world. Then even the loud gossip of
the crows suddenly stopped, the leaves of the trees rejoiced
fluttering sweetly in the breeze, as if greeting someone
they all loved and I felt an elevating silence in all the cells
of my brain and body. When I opened my eyes I saw
everyone stand up. Still spaced out, I inquired if darshan
had been postponed, but they told me it was over, Swami
 AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS
had already come out, walked around all the darshan area
and then back in the interview room with a group…and I
had not seen Him! Where was I while He was giving
darshan? Was His light too powerful for my eyes to see?
Was my mind steeped in such darkness that I could not
see His form? Later in the years I received a reading from
the Shastri in Bangalore, the Shuka Nadi palm leaf reader,
where he stated that the karmic physical encounter with
Sri Sathya Sai was predetermined for the 8.8.88 and not
the 7th. (as I had previously planned before meeting the
Indian couple who had convinced me not to stop for the
night in Bangalore.)
This is only the first of a long series of hide and seek
games I would have to play, first with the form and later on
with the formless, but it took time to learn it was a game
and that the fun was playing with love and no expectations,
with the enthusiasm and simplicity of a child, with no
conceptualizations, with no over structures of prejudices,
no projections, never judging, always adjusting and
accepting whatever happened as the very best for this
personality and its dissolution into the pure awareness of
the atmic reality.
In those days, at five in the mornings, the devotees used
to walk three or nine times around the Mandir, where Sai
Baba then lived and slept. This was just before the
Suprabatham - the song devotees sing to wake up the Lord
of Parthi - and Omkar – the recitation of Om 21 times. I
simply watched and did exactly as the others were doing
even if I did not understand what it all meant.
One morning, while circumambulating around the
temple I saw all my life as a film. Slide after slide, instances
I had long forgotten came clearly back as coloured pictures
in my mind, so that I could acknowledge the opportunities
life had offered me and the opportunities I seemed to have
missed. Irrepressible tears rolled down and with these
silent tears, I seemed to wash away all memories as if they
had fulfilled their task and now, had become useless.
At darshans, after the first breathtaking impact, I went
through hell as I felt Sai Baba as a total stranger, totally
4 5
8.8.88 The First Appointment
unconcerned by my presence on the hot sand, under the
scorching sun and my numbness of feelings was in such
contrast with the general exhilaration of the crowds that
rejoiced with His sweetness, love and attention that I
almost felt out of place and incredibly hurt. It did not occur
to me, then, that it was me who was far away from Him,
still so absorbed in the material world running after all
my crazy mind’s suggestions, desires attachments,
preferences and expectations that were creating so much
resistance, so much noise and such an infinite distance
from my inner Self.
On my very last day I had the possibility to sit inside
the temple, while the students were singing bhajans,
devotional songs, to Sai who was sitting in front of us. I
was sitting first of the line and squatted right in front of
Him. The devotion and the rhythm of the bhajans melted
my entire being. I was focusing all my attention on His
outstretched feet, trying to impress them in my memory
so that, once back at home, I could hold on to them in
humble prayer when, all of a sudden, I felt His loving
piercing look. I looked up and our eyes met for the first
time. His eyes were an ocean of love and filled me to the
brim with His compassion. I was spellbound and engulfed
in sweetness. He smiled as if He had always known me. I
inwardly prayed. “ If You are Who You say You are, please
melt my heart. If You are, please give me steady faith.” Then
something happened which is difficult to express in words:
an incredible flurry of sweetness, love and understanding
pervaded my entire being. Hot honey was delicately
gushing out of my heart chakra, which was burning and
seemed to have expanded, vibrating forcibly. There was
only the deepest unfathomable, awesome love.
The bhajans now had a fast rhythm as if the devotion
was on the point of exploding with a bang, but then Sai
stood up and swiftly disappeared to receive Arathi under
the veranda. I was still feeling hot sweet honey, like lava
from a volcano, pouring out of my heart. I looked at Shirdi
Sai Baba’s picture and it seemed to wink happily at me.
The temple was pulsating with devotion, love and peace.
 AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS

Being very grounded and practical, I tried to dismiss the

CHAPTER 2
experience telling myself it was some strange menopause
phenomenon …but it continued even when I came out of
the temple, it went on and on for hours and hours. The
only thing I could do was to press a cushion against my
heart in order not to miss one drop of that bliss and sit
Years Go By
still, eyes closed. Then, out of the blue, I realized I had no
more doubts and that, since I had walked out of the temple,
the knowing was there, not in my mind, but in my heart. I
felt He was and had always been my inner Self projected
on the outside, in a concretized form. I had felt His love
within my own heart calling me back to the Source, to my
Reality. Within a few hours I just accepted His Reality of “Every day ruminate over your experiences. All the differences you find
being the extraordinary Incarnation of the Divine as He in the world are only reflections of your mind. Whether you love someone
had reflected Himself in my inner Self and was vibrating or hate someone, or ridicule somebody, they are all your reflections only.”
in my heart. The leela of one single look!
Next morning I bowed in front of His bedroom window
with body and soul. The body returned to Europe, but to
me it seemed that the soul remained there on the sand of
the Mandir, under His bedroom window. For two long years
I was unable to come back to Bharat.
A few months after my return home from India, my
husband died and the responsibilities towards the four
Those around Sai Baba often reminded me: “Whatever
children and my job tied me back. All was difficult, but
you see in others is a reflection of your own problem.”
also that period soon ended. I did everything patiently
detached and felt alive and vibrant only when I could go Oh! How much these eyes have seen! How much I had
within and recall that same feeling experienced inside to change! Now that 14 years have rolled by full of lessons,
the temple again and again. That was my meditation; I pitfalls and battles, joys and tears for great moments at
knew no other technique. When tears tried to find their His feet when He would change the issues to work on and
way, when I seemed to miss His loving form, I would read give love for the little efforts made, now I may say I know
one of Sai’s teachings I had pinned over my bed as a what He meant when He said He was the best dhobi
reminder: (laundry man) and that He pounded us on the rocks to
One attains freedom by conquering desires, make us clean.
not by running away from one’s duties. But how did I happen to jump on that plane that landed
in Bombay?
Let’s go back to 1987.
It was a Sunday like any other Sunday of the year. It
was my 41st birthday. I thought I was happy and fulfilled,

6 7
 AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS
but when I looked out of the window into the empty sky
that Sunday, I felt as if I were looking into a life void of
meaning. Fear and panic, unknown up to that day, pierced
my heart. My head was throbbing and I was gasping for
air. At the peak of a career, a family with ups and downs,
but still lovely children, a beautiful house and all what
one could ever dream of, how could I stare into a life void
of meaning? Cramps started in my tummy and all the
lunch had to be thrown out.
A strange fierce feeling of dissatisfaction had crept in
uninvited and I had to face it. Where to start? What did I
miss? What was the root cause of this abysmal sense of
frustration that had just got hold of my entire being? The
answer arrived directly from a knowing within, similar to
a voice coming from the heart. “What have I achieved so
far? Do life’s gains and losses, successes and failures have
any value? I have not yet discovered the real sense. I have
no spiritual goals, no real faith.” What an appalling and
shocking revelation to discover that all I had strived for,
actually had no value and to realize it out of the blue, just
staring out of a window. I heard my voice cry out loud. “I
wish I had faith! Where are you?” And then fell asleep,
exhausted to be woken up by someone ringing the
doorbell. I looked at my watch and noticed it was already
seven in the morning. At the door there stood my best
friend, my cousin who had just come back from a trip to
India. He looked tanned and very thin; he simply said: “I
know you are ready, read these books. Use this ash to heal
your heart.” I stared at him numb, he was a psychiatrist,
loved me and knew me well, but how could he have had
such a timely intuition! He went away leaving in my hands
two books and a packet of soft gray ash, which had a slight
smell of jasmine that from the books I learned was called
vibhuti. One of the books was Sai Baba, Man of Miracles
and the other one The Holy Man and the Psychiatrist. This
is when and how the greatest laundry man took over my
entire life as, at last, I had called on Him and His duty, as
He says, was to respond immediately.
8 9
Years Go By
While reading the books I kept asking myself. “What kind
of trap is this? How can it be? Is it true?” Six months went
by and then the day dawned I felt I could not ignore any
longer the magnetism of that slim figure in orange, so I
wrote to Him a letter asking His permission to come to His
Ashram in India. After a few days the vibhuti made the
packet explode and the ash was all over my bedside table
and bed. Did I need any other answer? I went to an agent
and bought my first ticket to India. I was impatient to
experience what He really was, but at the same time a
strange melancholy filled my heart, and there seemed to
be a part of me resisting the entire idea. The personality
had invested so much in creating and nurturing its false
securities that it seemed to lift its head up making a great
noise against this trip. Stepping on that plane to India, one
part of me had the awareness that it was a one-way ticket
with no return and was delighted, but the other part felt
the impending danger of losing all the certainties known
till then and that it was a leap into a void. This is how I
arrived, totally unprepared and split in two. How Sai slowly
became the most important part of my life is such a long
process of experiences under His loving guidance, from
within and without, that it would be too long to write them
all. I will only try to evoke the course of the main action.
During my first period in India, I have often asked
myself if I were crazy, but this folly was giving me such
joy, such happiness and peace that I loved it. Still, if you
do not mind your thoughts, things happen and, believing
I was a bit crazy, I started meeting all crazy people. Of all,
I remember one of them who really made me laugh. One
day a lady knocked on the door of my room asking for
some medicines, as she believed herself to be allergic to
Puttaparthi water and was therefore covered in pimples. I
handed over what could help her and, instead of leaving,
she then sat down and told me she was Gandhi’s secretary
and that the police was running after her, but she had to
inform Baldo in Rome otherwise he’d be waiting for her at
 AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS
the airport missing his meals. I made no comments, just
listened, and assumed Baldo was her husband, but after a
long incoherent story, she added that one day Baldo had
woken up asking for new clothes, as it was getting cold.
Therefore she had gone to Prenatal, which is a store for
babies’ ready to wear, so I assumed Baldo was her son, but
then she told me she could find trousers, sweaters and a
nice coat for him, but not 4 identical shoes all the same
colour and size. “Why four?” I asked. She looked
bewildered and, in a matter of fact tone, she said Baldo
was her dog and, if I would excuse her, she had to leave
me as she had to go and ring him up and then fly back to
Rome. I wondered how the Energy of Life was going to guide
that lady safely back home, but in the years I saw her again
and again so, she must be the Lord’s ‘robot’, as her mind
surely did not allow her to travel from Italy to Bombay,
from Bombay to Bangalore and from Bangalore to Prasanthi
Nilayam all on her own.
During my third trip to India in1991 Sai Baba was in
Whitefield. Darshans saw the devotees sitting under the
branches of a huge tree and Sai would walk out of His
Lotus-shaped house and walk towards us very leisurely,
in a real slow motion. That tree has now been felled, but it
was such an intimate, warm nest of love for all of us when
bhajans were sung sitting at His Lotus Feet. That year I
was called for my first interview. How I was called was
quite extraordinary too. That year, during my stay in the
Ashram, I was pondering over the meaning of surrender. I
did not clearly understand what I had to surrender. Was
it the feeling of being the body and the doer? And, if so,
how to disidentify and how to be sure the Lord would really
take care? Baba came to my rescue with a very sweet
example. That morning I was sitting first in the ‘pre-
darshan-lines’ and I was to draw the number of my line,
when the sevadal offered the little bag where we had to
draw the number from, I heard a strange new voice from
the heart say: “Let it be My hand, not yours.” So, I
10
Years Go By
consciously let the Lord draw the number and, when I
saw it was number 25, which was the last one, I told myself
it would have been far better if I myself had drawn it,
without allowing Sai Baba to mess up my chances! But
after a minute the sevadal told me to stand up as first line,
I objected I had number 25, and she surprised me saying
that morning they had lost number one, so line 25 was
going in the darshan area, first. I felt so ashamed to have
doubted!! That lesson on surrender was never to be
forgotten!
I reached for the first corner seat, in pole position, and
when Swami came, He said: “Italy, go.” I reached the little
room, which for me was Vaikuntha, the heavenly abode,
in a state of wonder, awe and elation. When we all sat
around Him, Sai stood up from His chair, came right in
front of me and…smacked me on the cheek, ordering:
“Don’t be sad.” Then stepped on my little toe and affirmed:
“Make Me some room, I want to switch on the light,” and
He pressed my little toe as if it were a lamp switch and
there was the most incredible bluish-white light flashing
first in my forehead and then in all the body. In the stillness
He had plunged me in, no one else existed, but Him. I
stared at Sai in attunement, ready for even another blow,
as the love I felt was overwhelming. I received permission
to take my first padnamaskar, well aware of the sacredness
of the boon. At the very end, Sai turned pointing His finger
towards me, and shaking it, as if I had done something
very wrong, He gravely said: “I want to see you tomorrow!!”
During the entire interview I couldn’t utter a single word,
my mind was empty and so incredibly calm, I felt spaced
out and, such a state, from then onwards, I would describe
as being “on cloud 9”, a very special cloud where nothing
exists any longer. Such events and even greater ones are
what the majority of the thousands of people had and still
have the grace to experience, when in His Presence. But
what were we to learn from His message is a totally different
story. It was an uplifting task that had no end. During this
11
 AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS
first apex-encounter Swami had given a short spiritual
discourse on the mind that was to be treasured and
pondered over many times, in the years to come:
“The mind is a bundle of thoughts. Look at this peace
of cloth: it is made of threads. If one by one you pull
them out, no cloth remains. Similarly with the mind. No
thoughts, no mind. The nature of the mind is restless,
just like a rat whose nature is always to nibble at
something and just like a snake whose nature is to be
biting at something. The nature of the mind is to be
occupied. Even when still, like the feathers of a
peacock, there is a shimmering, an apparent movement
in the mind. Like the aspen tree, even on a still morning,
its leaves seem to tremble and move. It is the nature of
the mind to dwell upon things. So, the proper method
to deal with the mind is to make it dwell on the Lord,
good thoughts, good deeds and the repetition of the
Lord’s name. In this way the mind’s natural tendency
to be occupied will be fulfilled and it will keep out of
mischief. The mind is the mischief-maker; it jumps from
doubt to doubt; it puts obstacles on the way; it weaves
a net and gets entangled in it. It is ever discontented as
it runs after a thousand things and away from another
hundred. Take up the task of training it into an obedient
servant; it can be educated if only you learn how to do
it. By constant practice and training, it can be directed
towards the Om and taught to merge with it.”
These last words of my first interview have been the
endless, leitmotif of my quest.
The next day He did not call me again, but the years to
come would see me many times in and out of that special
room, till one day, He told me to stay as He wanted me to
work in …something like a hospital. I asked Him if He
meant right away and He simply opened His arms saying
“Anytime. Come.”
12
Years Go By
Hospital? I was not a doctor, I was a fashion designer. I
flew back to Italy and, in my mind, planned to come and
stay only in a few years’ time, but as soon as I went back to
my job, I was aghast to discover the company I was working
for was getting ready for counterfeit bankruptcy and asked
for my help to cheat all the suppliers. Appalled, the very
next day, without even thinking about the consequences
of being without a job, I resigned.
That night I went to bed praying Sai to enlighten me on
what to do and where to find another job. Swami appeared
in my dream and simply told me: “Now, come.” And we
both danced a waltz in the sky.
I was taken aback as in my limited view of dharmic
behaviour I thought I had to find another job and be with
the family for a few years more. Instead, I saw myself pack
up again and go through the pain of trying to explain to
the children what I was going through. Some understood,
others didn’t. My heart was bleeding for their shock, but I
kept my attention only on His advice. I tried to fix the
family as best as I could, closed all what was in my name
renouncing everything in favour of the children who were,
by then, old enough to look after themselves except one
and, after only two months from that interview, in early
November 1993, I was back in India. As I arrived, I
happened to read Baba’s thought for the day:
“Without a sincere desire for liberation, listening,
studying and contemplation are mere arts. Mastering
an art does not lead to the highest goal. A weak desire
for liberation is useless. A transient desire arising from
hearing about the glory of reality is not desire. It is
excitement, only a momentary curiosity. Such a
momentary curiosity is not sufficient to inspire a person
to make a sincere effort for attainment. To attain
liberation one needs intense desire for liberation.
Intense desire motivates an aspirant to whole-hearted
practice. Such motivation and unlimited courage to
13
 AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS

“carry through” is called absorption in sadhana. Such

CHAPTER 3
desire is sparked when one realizes that everything
else is trivial compared to liberation.”
What was the practice I had to do? Was I to be alone “So Happy To See You”
facing this enormous task? Who could then guide me? A
prayer surfaced from within: “Lord, give me a guide, a
spiritual guide, to reach the goal. I do not even know where
to start from.”
The waltz began.

“Remember: Nothing happens without My will.”

The day I first sat for Darshan, I had a surprise I could

never have anticipated or desired in the wildest of dreams.
I was feeling particularly grateful to be back home in Sai’s
Mandir, to be able to stay and enjoy the bliss of being in
His uplifting presence. It seemed to be the fulfillment of a
very blessed lifetime. All the family worries had magically
disappeared from my mind. All of a sudden, I saw Swami
coming, His smile was like a thousand rays of sunshine,
His hair a soft crown of vibrant Oms; He greeted me saying:
“When did you come back? So happy to see you again!”
My heart was beating fast and there seemed to be
butterflies playing a great game, as it was rolling in huge
waves of joy and love. Words could not find their way out,
so atmic tears expressed my ultimate experience. The
bomb of love I received in those instants was beyond
anything I had ever experienced and it filled me up. How

14 15
 AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS
could the Lord be happy to see me? He had walked away,
but then leisurely turned back, side glanced at me and
uttered again that charming two letter word that in the
Sai world is so dear: “Go”.
How I reached up to the veranda of the Mandir, I do not
know as my legs were simply like jelly. Sai ushered us all
into the interview room, He Himself switched on the fan
and then looked at us for a long time. What did He see?
How I wished I could see with His own eyes! He bent His
head backwards and with one hand made that familiar
gesture of raising our energies. We all sat in great silence
and spellbound; we could almost hear each other’s hearts
beating. He seemed to be absorbed or somewhere else.
On one of the walls there is a dramatically kitsch cuckoo
clock that, each time I am in that room, catches my eye
and makes me tenderly smile, even does the orange plastic
market bag He uses to distribute vibhuti at the end of each
interview. The little bird came out of the cuckoo clock and
sang his “wake up” call to bring us back to earth. Swami
materialized various objects and gave them to some of us.
I had to translate for some Italians focusing my eyes in
His, till they were literally brimming and burning with
light. Then He knocked me off my heels asking: “What do
you want, Sir?” I turned round to see if there was a
gentleman sitting behind me, but there were no
gentlemen. I was not ready; I hadn’t prepared any request
as I was not expecting an interview, but knowing one
should not waste the opportunities He offers, as they may
not come again, I timidly whispered. “Your love, Your grace,
Swami.” He pretended not to hear my words saying: “Eh?”
mimicking that He may not hear me well. He made me
repeat my request three times and, each time, I had to raise
my voice showing determination. In the end His comment
was: “Oh! Is this what you want?”
For long moments I felt suspended in time. Sai turned
round, reached His chair, sat down and intensely looked
at me. I felt as if I were naked and feared I had asked for
too much. I wondered whether I deserved what I had dared
16
“So Happy To See You”
to ask for; I closed my eyes feeling so small, like a drop of
water waiting to merge back in the security of the ocean.
Then He opened His arms and I heard His voice affirm: “I
love you,” with the most unimaginable sweetness. My heart
melted. I closed my eyes and felt strings pulling my brain
and my entire attention a little over my head, a golden
space where only God existed and we were one. Such
feelings cannot be explained in words, words come from
thoughts and thoughts from the mind that cannot grasp
the vastness of unconditional Love. The assurance of God’s
love was like a balm for the soul. This was really an
inconceivable welcome back. I walked out of that interview
with very high fever, though when I had walked in, I was
feeling perfectly well. Never in my life had I had such high
fever and diarrhea! It knocked me out for over a week. I
was boiling, quivering, fainting and so dramatically sick.
During the delirium I had the most unbelievable, lucid
hallucinations with pyramids, brahmins, priests,
archbishops, Tibetan Lamas, caves, pujas, yajnas,
countless swamis and, of course, Sai in all of them. When
the pullout or, as the devotees call it, “the purification”
ended, I was five kilos less and with no strength at all. But
that was not all I had to go through.
It was only the beginning.
17
 AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS
CHAPTER4
The Power of Look
“Don’t try to understand,
Relinquish the imperative to understand.
Leelas are My sport, just be a witness.”
Soon after that “cleansing” I was sitting as usual waiting
for Sai to arrive, it was afternoon as the sun was on the
right side of the Mandir from where Swami would appear.
The music started and He slowly walked gliding through
the gate covering the sun with His body. Then, from His
eyes, I saw two spirals of light come out and enter mine
causing a blast inside my cranium and a flood of light
flaring out from the top of the head. I had to walk back
home eyes closed and feeling dizzy and then face three
long months of a very peculiar unbalanced state. It was
alarming, as I did not have a clue to what I was going
through. I held a japamala in one hand and imagined to
grab Swami’s hair with the other hand and went through
what I could not avoid. I intuitively knew I was releasing
all the energy blockages in the body and each time I
relaxed a delicate sweet madness made me swing and rock
in bliss for hours on end. Every time the grounded and
18
The Power of Look
practical Sandra succeeded in surfacing, it was a tragedy.
There was I, locked up in a room for three long months,
not understanding where I was heading to. Was this the
working in something like a hospital Swami had talked
about? It was like traveling in a foreign country without a
map, without knowing the language to ask for information
and without even knowing where the road would
eventually lead me. It was all quite baffling. I felt as liquid
as water, as hot as fire or as thin as air. I saw that all was
just an illusion of forms and roles, but couldn’t grasp what
was left. Was this what they called ananda?
All the models and concepts I had known up to then,
became unsuitable references. After one month of
isolation, one day I felt quite grounded, so I went for
darshan. I found myself in a first line and when Sai came
He gave me one of His deep looks while asking once more:
“Where are you from?” Staring into His huge deep eyes, I
felt as if He were delicately pulling out one layer of skin,
just as they do with rabbits before cooking them. I
underwent the treatment hoping He would set me right
back to normal. Then I heard that “Go” again. Once in the
interview room He asked what I wanted and I had to repeat
three times: “Constant integrated awareness” and He said:
“I will help. How are you, Sir?” and as, when one is at His
Feet, one cannot be but happy, I naively answered: “Very
well, thank You”, but He shook His head saying: “You are
not” and smacked me in the middle of the eyebrows where
I felt a blast of light explode. I trusted He knew exactly
what I needed and how much I could handle, but that
really put me off for another two months. Even those two
months soon came to a close and I discovered how sweeter
the world was, as I was so peaceful and loving, but soon
had to realize that I had an enemy, constantly and
insidiously trying to pull me and split me from that lovely
place of Oneness and the perception of the eternal present.
I would hear the voice of my ego-mind trying to bring my
attention to financial issues, fears, worries and false
responsibilities. The old identity was there trying to regain
its place and I still had attachment to some aspects of this
false self. For many years, I would have to shift from one
19
 AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS The Power of Look

identity to the other, as actors change their costumes stressing with this diarrhea-lesson. They soon transformed
backstage to take up a second role. their behavioural patterns into loving respect. A year later
In two other interviews I had the opportunity to verify one of them was called in for an interview with me and,
how the Teacher worked. During both I was translating when she asked Him if she could stay in Puttaparthi too,
into Italian and Sai was giving a short spiritual discourse. Swami turned to me to ask if I agreed! That was His last
During the first one, at a certain point, Sai Baba repeated loving touch to impress the lesson.
a teaching I intellectually knew by heart, but that for sure At the end of March it gets hotter and hotter in South
He wanted to impress deeply and indelibly. He was saying: India so, in 1995 a friend and I decided to go up to the
“When you are chopping vegetables in the kitchen, are Himalayas. I needed some rest, a pause both from the
you the knife? No, you are the Master. Similarly the body teachings and the heat.
is the instrument. You are not the body. As you are not
the body, you are not the instrument. You are the Master.
You are the ATMA” His pronunciation of the word ATMA
was so different from what I had imagined it, that I had to
tell Him three times I had not understood what we were.
Three times I had to ask: “Eh? What are we Swami? I do
not understand.” And He would repeat “You are the ATMA.”
Looking intensely at me in a very mischievous way till, in
the end, He even pretended to be angry and beat me on
my hands just like a teacher does with a very bad student.
It was so funny that we all laughed and even Swami was
laughing. Months later, during the second interview, He
repeated exactly the same teaching, watched me carefully
while I speedily translated, giggled and winked at me. I
must say that these flashing seconds of intimacy opened
up my heart to Him as my sweetest and best friend.
In another instance He showed, to the letter, what He
meant by: “Respect your mother. How can you love God if
you do not love and respect your mother?” My daughters
had come to Puttaparthi and had obviously ‘fallen in love’
with Sai, but they were always discussing their mother as
many western youngsters do. I would pray to Sai to put an
end to it all, intervening on their hearts. The girls were
longing to have an interview, but Sai really was very harsh
on them: the only morning, after two months of their stay,
both of them were ‘strangely’ forced to skip coming for
darshan and remain at home, due to dramatic bouts of
diarrhea. That very morning He called me again…and
alone! The girls were so shocked that they saw their
behaviour and very quickly learned what Swami was

20 21
 AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS
CHAPTER5
Himalayas
“Today, man is like a horseman riding two horses at the same time. He
aspires for the Divine, but also yearns for worldly pleasures. He forgets
that the Creator contains the creation. Forgetting this truth, he goes after
the phenomenal world, regarding it as different from the Divine. He is
foolish like the man who cries for ghee while having milk in his hand, not
realizing that ghee is latent in the milk”
We flew to Delhi and then by train to Haridwar and went
the last 14 miles by taxi to Rishikesh. We settled in Sai
Baba’s Ashram at Lakshman Juhla bridge and the very
same evening went to sit on the rocks overlooking Mother
Ganga watching sadhus and a few pilgrims sing devotional
songs to her, take a dip in her sacred waters and then sit
silently and utterly still for hours and hours. The silence
of the evening hours was broken by the sacred sound of a
conch in the far distance that reverberated caressing the
swift flow of the Ganga and, was absorbed in the cells of
my memory bank as the holiest of sounds ever heard in
this lifetime. Next day, we visited a holy spot called
Neelakanta seven or eight miles east of Rishikesh. The way
was through thick forests, dark green with the rich foliage
of bilwa trees and rhododendrons. Herds of elephants still
roam about these woods and the place resounds with the
cries of wild peacocks and monkeys. There we saw a small,
22
Himalayas
secluded Ashram. Mesmerized, we inquired if one could
stay a long period there, but the unusual answer we
received: “If the mind is not disciplined you may profit
little by a stay in this Ashram or in Rishikesh or Kailas,”
honestly made us look at ourselves with concern and some
sadness, but we saw the wisdom and the love with which
it was given and the truth it was underlining, so we were
particularly grateful for the surprisingly important lesson
conveyed. It seemed that, out of Sai’s energy field, away
from the highly charged atmosphere of His Presence, the
mind crawled back to the old patterns as if the habits
ingrained in the unconscious mind were still too powerful.
I was still attached and deeply identified with these
patterns, our deep-rooted vasanas, and as long as I
regarded the world as real, they would recur and haunt
my efforts to still the mind. I wished to learn how to detach
from them, but I knew no technique.
A few days after we arrived in Rishikesh, we met a group
of Sai devotees at the Lakshman Jhula little restaurant
and they were all going to visit the Shiva Caves in Patal
Bhubaneshwar, four hours from Almora. They told us how
a Sai devotee had discovered these caves guided by some
specific Sai dreams and how these caves were described
in the Skanda Purana as the abode of Shiva. I didn’t trust
one word of the story, but my friend agreed to meet them
there in five days.
Meantime we decided to follow the course of the Holy
Ganga and the Alakananda between tall rows of
mountains. India has benefited of a Golden Age when the
rishis, who had conquered their senses and lived upon
roots and fruits, spent their time in the solitude of the
forests steeped in meditation and, for countless centuries
many saints followed their example and practiced tapas
in these valleys. It is due to their tireless effort that India
has become renowned all over the world, as the land of
spiritual wisdom. I wondered if such Masters still existed
today and the desire to meet them, learn from them and
be in their holy presence and satsang became poignant
and recurring in my heart. I wondered how these desires
sprout as my friend who had shared the same traveling
23
 AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS

experience denied ever having had any other thought, but

CHAPTER6
of some good spaghetti, a loaf of bread or a real Italian pizza.
I giggled and out of my suitcase came a tiny electric stove,
some Italian spaghetti and a little tin with basil and olive
oil. That night we really appreciated the little comforts
hidden away in our suitcases, as after all we were not The Jyotirling and Patal
sadhus.
In those days while I was reading Sai Baba’s discourses
of the Seventies I came across this passage and smiled
about the knowledge Sai had of human nature and His
delicate sense of humour that made me love Him even
more!
A scientist asked: “Why pray to rocks?” and the sage answered: “God is
“Yesterday, while returning from Ooty, we halted at
everywhere so, why not honour Him in the rock?” Then the scientist
Bandipur Wild Life Sanctuary. Riding on a tame
said: “ But a rock has no attributes.” The reply of the sage was: “Then
elephant, we moved into the forest to catch a glimpse of
why do you honour an attributeless flag as a symbol of the country?”
wild elephants. Imagine! Sitting on an elephant we were
seeking elephants!! When we caught a glimpse of a
trunk in a bush, we were overcome with delight. Sitting
on a tame, domesticated elephant we were eagerly
searching for an elephant in its natural surroundings,
unaffected by artificial habits and skills. Man, too, is
everywhere ignoring the God within himself, in its
natural environment and trying to seek the shadows
that attract him.” On the way to Patal Bhuvaneshwar we stopped in
Sai Baba Rameshwar, one of the most sacred places in the
Himalayas, at the confluence of Ramganga and Saryu. It
is said that, here, Rama installed a Lingam to perform a
puja to Shiva and, from this holy spot, Rama left for
Vaikuntha with His physical body.
We bathed half dressed in the ice-cold waters and, while
swimming, I noticed that under the water there were
hundreds of skulls mixed with the stones and they were
gently rolling with the strong currents. Dismayed I came
out and the pujari of the little temple explained that sadhus
still come here to abandon the abode of the body as the
belief is that one reaches liberation if the body is shed in
such a sacred place. When we told him we were heading
to Patal he casually commented: “Visiting Patal caves
grants the boons equal to visiting all of India’s sacred

24 25
 AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS
pilgrimage centers. After such a visit, there is no need for
you to visit any other holy place.”
We proceeded to Jageswar Temple where there are 108
lingams and one of the rare 12 jyotirlings existing in India.
We were informed that the one here in Jageswar was the
original matrix of the other 11 that were placed in the most
important sacred pilgrimage centers. Trees were
embracing the ancient temple located in a narrow valley
at the foot of a mountain, totally isolated from the rest of
the world. It was so secluded, so beautiful and breathtaking
that we hardly felt like speaking and I mentally compared
this silence to the ever-crowded temples I had visited in
South India. We were allowed in the little temple of the
jyotirling and to bow touching it with our foreheads, which
had been previously smeared with kum kum and haldi. A
pujari was worshipping the jyotirling with the ritual
ingredients, while the vibrations spread by the sacred
chanting of Vedic mantras filled the temple and our
beings. The sacredness was tangible and moving. When
we left, the typical sound of the temple bell, “Din-din, don-
don, din-din, don-don,” echoed for hours on end in my
ears and the sweet melody of how arathi is sung in that
part of Uttar Pradesh and, in particular in Garhwal, is still
humming in my heart.
After hours in a Jeep on very steep roads, meeting with
risks at every bend, we reached Patal. The small village
was hidden half way up the mountains with a wonderful
view over the valley. We were very near the Nepal border
and Nanda Devi, one of India’s highest peaks, was looking
at us from a distance and half hidden by the clouds we
could see Mount Kailash, the sacred mountain, covered
with eternal ice and snow. The few houses were nestled
amidst huge and dark fir trees; some of the villagers were
just then returning with their cows from the fields,
repeating, “Sita Ram, Sita Ram, Sita Ram,” and it was all
so rarefied with deep mysticism that I thought we had
stepped back into a different yuga. When they saw us they
cheerfully came to help with the luggage and offered a
room on top of the buffaloes’ stable, the only room available,
26
The Jyotirling and Patal
as the tiny Ashram was already full with the other friends
we had met in Rishikesh.
To go up to the room, we had to climb up a bamboo
ladder. The room had no commodities and smelled of cow
dung. I opened the shutters of what seemed to be a door,
hoping to find a toilet, and almost fell out, as that was only
a window. The toilet was out in the fields. I had a flash of
Sai giggling at us and I wondered how we could manage
and what did we think to gain from such an experience in
the recesses of the Himalayas. The name of the tiny Ashram
was “Garuda Nilayam” (eagle nest) and, the name in itself,
may give a picture of where we had arrived! A few shy
children were hiding behind doors scrutinizing us and,
when they found the courage to talk, they asked for Sai
Baba pictures. I was amazed His name and fame had spread
up to that remote village and, happily, gave the ones I had
with me, so that in the evening they could sing bhajans
and perform their little puja to Sai in a tiny recess of the
kitchen wall.
At five next morning the village temple bell rang and
the mantras echoed in the entire valley. Waking up in such
an atmosphere made each movement slow and sacred. So
that we could wash we were shown to the common tap, a
little far out from the village. Suddenly, all of the children
ran inside their homes. We looked down the slope and
saw a slim tiger fleeting through the bushes. I stood there
with my toothbrush suspended in mid air, totally numb.
After a hot chai we asked the pujari to take us down to
the caves, explaining everything, as we were ready for the
adventure. To descend, one had to slide down 30 meters
holding on to the rocks, as if one was going back into the
womb of mother earth, in a “rewind mode,” a very weird
feeling and a very difficult task for untrained people like
me. Half way down I wished I had never started the descent,
but my way out was blocked by others following after me.
At the same time I was laughing at myself, as on the way
to the entrance of the cave, just a few minutes before, they
had told me the story of a young man from Poland who did
not yet know Sai. One day in desperation, he had decided
to take 50 pills to end his life, but when he dozed off, he
27
 AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS
had a vision of Sai telling him: “No, no, no!! This time you
will not die. I am here in your stomach eating the pills.
Come to Me.” So, as if He could be in the stomach of a
would-be devotee, I was sure He was also in that long,
steep and narrow underground passage holding my feet,
so that they would not slip.
The local pujari family had been the guardians of the
caves for over 800 years, daily performing pujas to the
Shivalingam at the bottom of the cave. He informed us that
in the Manaskhand of the Skanda Puran, Veda Vyasa
describes in detail all the celestial beings that live in Patal
Bhuvaneshwar and that, as Patal is mentioned in these
Sacred Scriptures, Patal must have existed during Sathya
Yuga. He told us that in this Sacred Scripture there is
written that the caves were discovered by Rituparna, king
of Ayodhya, and that, when he walked inside, he found
himself amidst the nagas and their king Adishesha who
gave him the divine sight to see the celestial beings that
come here to adore Shiva. The description given by the
Sacred text goes on saying that these caves were on seven
levels, but that man could only visit the first one. On one
level lived all the rishis; at another there was king Bali’s
kingdom; and at a level there was the Savitri cave where
not even the devas were allowed in as, in the center of
this cave, there was the Maha Yoni with a central Maha
ling. The Scripture also says that Sheshanag told King
Rituparna that all that existed in the universe is created
and maintained and then dissolved in this Maha Yoni and
that was where the universe originated and where it will
dissolve. Here, in these caves, Shiva lived with
Bhuvaneshwari, Parvathi. It seems that Sheshanag also
prophesized to King Rituparna that he would have been
the only human being allowed to visit the caves. For
thousands of years they would have remained closed and
unknown till the day when a divine hand would guide a
soldier to rediscover them. The person who had brought
them back to light, only three years before, was a man
enrolled in the army and a Baba devotee. The pujari
explained all the details of the caves as Rituparna saw them
and we were to recognize all the celestial beings in the
28
The Jyotirling and Patal
extravagant shapes of the stalactites and stalagmites. More
than recognizing, it was the golden light and the
atmosphere that kept us all spellbound. But it was so cold
and damp! Our feet glided over the wet mud and we had to
hold on to one another to reach down to the very bottom of
the cave where there was the Shivalingam. We all sat
silently and, after some minutes of silent meditation near
the Shivalingam, some of us shared with joy their visions.
I had had none, but enjoyed the puja at the bottom of the
cave. The Shivalingam had three heads representing
Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva. Drops of water, from above
continuously fell on the three stones as if performing a
natural and eternal abhishekam to the Trinity. We all sang
bhajans and silently climbed up again and then back into
the warm sun. My skepticism was shattered that same night
by a dream where Sai confirmed that Patal Bhvaneshwar
really was extremely sacred and even made me remember
some previous dreams where He had foretold me about
the caves He would lead me to visit.
Most of us remained in Patal for some days meditating
in the caves or enjoying the rhythms of that secluded
village and the peace of a mysteriously enchanting
atmosphere. In the group with us there was one of the
doctors working in Sai Baba’s General Hospital, Doctor
Budwar, an exquisite elderly gentleman and great devotee
of Baba. When we all commented our experiences or
lingering skepticism he added: “Before booking for the trip,
we asked Swami’s permission and He agreed. If Baba has
made us come here, there must be a reason. We are already
so lucky to live at His feet, but this must be an extra gift
we needed.” His wife was well over 70, she had also come
down the steep passage to the cave with the help of two
young strong men and she told me: “I feel most blessed. I
do not need to understand.” I loved their trust and
surrender.
I took the opportunity to write a small book on Patal
while I was there, so that it could be of information for the
Italians coming to India, but I was told that our visit was
one of the last ones as, after a few months, the caves were
again closed to the general public. When the book was
29
 AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS

ready I waited for Swami to give me a clear sign whether

CHAPTER7
to publish it or not. One evening, after bhajans were over,
while going back to the Poornachandra, Swami startled
me by literally taking the book from my hands and
continued walking back to His residence holding it firmly This Marriage Must Work
in His hand.
A few days later, while I was enjoying being once again
in the sacred cozy nest of the Mandir, Baba came and
materialized some vibhuti for me. As I thought He
materialized it when someone was sick, to understand if
there were other reasons, I searched for the meaning of
vibhuti materialization and read Baba’s explanation with
a little apprehension. “It is God’s plan that is being worked out through man, but man
prides himself that it is he who is working for it.”

Meantime, I thought I had met what seemed to be the

right companion for a life aimed at proceeding on the
spiritual path. Swami had even called the two of us alone
for a personal interview, and had blessed the marriage.
Then and there it had appeared as a great boon, but it
obviously resulted in another lesson. In the months that
followed I would often recall how, in the second room,
where He granted private interviews, He had embraced us,
saying He was so happy to see us and pointed out to me:
“This marriage must work!” Unfortunately I took Swami’s
words to the letter and tried to play the role of the wife as
best as I could, even when all hopes had already crumbled,
and never thought, not even for a minute, they could have
had any other meaning.
When, after a few months, I realized how very fragile
and unbalanced my husband’s mind really was, it was

30 31
 AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS This Marriage Must Work

too late. He thought he was a realized Master. His When steadfast eyes are horrified
presumption grew day by day and, when I ended in not the first glance of the silent setting sun
even listening to him, he would hide in his dream world I am comforting you
for most of the day, where he could reign as the supreme THINK OF ME
guru number two. Soon, we were sharing a battlefield and
not a house. I was so aghast at my lack of discrimination Then you ask
in the choice of a husband that I did not have the courage “How will I know when you are near Me?”
to look at the mess I had attracted into my life, but at the When the burning sun
same time Swami’s words “This marriage must work,” kept has scorched you and the earth
on ringing in my ears and I could not even dream of getting the sand and dust fill your eyes
rid of such a madcap. not a sliver of shade about
AND YOU LOVE ME.
“How will you know when I am near you? When loneliness is accompanied by hunger
When on a sultry night and not one can be satisfied and
everything is hot and still YOU LOVE ME.
the first cool breeze brushes your cheeks
I am caressing you When your lips are cracked,
THINK OF ME your tongue feels like clay,
your throat seals up,
When the pangs of hunger are satisfied there is no water about
and loneliness is pierced by happiness not even a mirage in sight
THINK OF ME······ AND YOU LOVE ME.
When your mouth is parched When you hold a dying child
and you can hardly speak, with eyes pleading
the first sip of cool water AND YOU LOVE ME.
I am soothing you
THINK OF ME When I stir an ocean to a crescent
you flounder in its depths like a leaf
When the cloud of death disappears AND YOU LOVE ME.
first on the opening of a baby’s smiling eyes
THINK OF ME When I take from you
your most cherished possession
When I sprinkle your face with rain on the first loss of your sight
and wash the earth and the dry brown leaves darkness envelops you
the first smell of clean rain AND YOU LOVE ME.
I am cleansing you
THINK OF ME For everything you see, hear, smell, taste or
touch belongs to Me. So, how can you give to
When pain dissolves Me what I already Am, but your love? And
and fear disappears THAT I gave to you before time began, as your
THINK OF ME sole possession. When you return it to Me,

32 33
 AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS This Marriage Must Work

then I will know you are truly mine and I will way that my forehead was touching His knees. It
dissolve your sorrow and happiness into Me fortunately took Him a very long time to fasten the tiny
That…being Me, I will place you in bliss clip, so I remained still, in bliss, with Baba’s arms
forever. For I love you and think of you embracing me, while His fingers fastened the clip. When
constantly. He had fastened the japamala around my neck, my mind
was blank, but later, I wondered whether He was actually
From your most loving
fastening a collar to keep me in check…. but in that
Father
moment nothing mattered, as I was once again on
I prayed and wrote letters to Swami asking His consent “Cloud 9.”
to separate, but He was ignoring me completely. So, this
Understanding that Sai Baba has to cleanse even the
situation went on for some time till, one day, I found the
most inner recesses and intricacies of our mind, pulling
courage to say it was over and, with absolutely no
out all the stuff we have stacked in there, in this lifetime
permission, send him back to his family who, only then,
and in many others, in order to burn it, makes us accept
finally confessed he had already been in various mental
whatever He knowingly makes us go through, even if it
clinics before we had met.
causes the deepest suffering, as He has to set us free from
Two days after having packed him back to Italy on a all our desires.
plane, Swami called me for an interview. I trembled in
Maybe, when we will arrive at the end of this precious
panic. As soon as He came in the interview room He asked
lifetime with Him amidst us all, as the Charioteer, we will
me “Where is your husband?” I thought He was going to
fully realize and appreciate His accomplishments. My own
shout at me, so I answered in a very low voice that I had
theory is that each of the seekers He has called to His Feet,
sent him away. To my utter astonishment Swami said:
in His hospital, is a prototype and, by working on each
“Very good. Now what do you want?” In that very moment
one, He transforms the world.
I realized that, when I came to live in Puttaparthi, there
still lingered, at the back of my mind, the unspoken I am ashamed to confess that while I was going through
thought that it would be so much easier to proceed on the all this, I would sometimes look at His picture grinning
spiritual path together with a spiritual companion! and, for a year, did not even want to see Him any longer.
Suddenly, I saw the reason why I had to go through all Only, now, after so many years, I can sincerely say:
that mess!! The great Sad Guru had had to burn even that
“Thank you Swami, the marriage has worked.”
hidden desire matching me up with the most difficult
partner existing on the planet! I bowed at His feet, took
padnamaskar with humble gratitude. Swami repeated His
question: “What is it you want now, Sir?” And, while I said
totally certain: “Only You,” our eyes met and twinkled. In
a second we were both giggling: we both knew the battle
with such common human expectations and desires was
over. He had won once again. He was so happy that He
materialized a most beautiful gold japamala saying: “Gold
Japa for you, very happy.” He Himself put it around my
neck and even wanted to secure the clip. I was kneeling
in front of Him, so He made me bend my head in such a

34 35
 AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS
CHAPTER 8
Can One Ever Abandon Him?
“Find the real chamber of your being and enjoy the world like a king,
not like a beggar. The helplessness in you, which has made you a
beggar, disappears and you find an unshakable shelter in your
own Self.”
As soon as the little drama was over, I felt the need of a
rest from the pressure and decided to take a holiday and
went to Varkala in Kerala for a break. Wherever you turned
it was so lushly green, compared to the dry desert of Andhra
Pradesh, so beautiful to rest one’s eyes filling them with
the dew of the most exuberant tropical nature. When I
arrived on the cliff it was sunset and eagles were playing,
chasing each other right over my head, the palm leaves
fluttering joyfully in the sea breeze as if welcoming me. I
gazed at the immense Indian Ocean and felt such an
expansion, such freedom and peace! Some dolphins were
playing, diving in and out of the soft waves accompanying
the fishermen who, in simple huge tree trunks hollowed
out to contain a maximum of two people, were going out
to sea for the night’s catch. I turned round and there was
a fisherman’s small hut, which looked abandoned. In a
day or two I had rented it. I remained there for a few weeks
36
Can One Ever Abandon Him?
and felt regenerated by the silence and nature at its peak
of beauty. As such an enchanting place was only an hour’s
flight from Bangalore, after having pondered over this
change of life for some days, I felt prompted to come and
live in Kerala, as it would allow me the possibility to enjoy
seclusion and, at the same time, to go and see Sai Baba
whenever I wished.
I eventually went back to Parthi to pack up my
belongings and send them by truck to Kerala. Friends kept
on telling me I had to ask Sai’s permission to leave, but as
this seemed to me illogical, compared to His teaching to
be Self-reliant, we ended up having interminable
discussions on the topic. Why should one ask permission
if from the heart the Self had prompted the decision? Why
always ask the concretized form of our same Inner Self for
whatever decision one had to make or a blessing for the
ones one had already taken? Who was I, after all? Wasn’t
the teaching of going within before taking a decision
sufficient? Nobody seemed to agree with me.
The day before definitely moving to Kerala, though I
believe myself to be almost transparent, Sai found the way
to call me again for another interview. When in front of
Him, I felt very Self-reliant and simply informed Him I was
on my way to Kerala. First there was silence…then I saw
what one could describe as a stern “Shiva look” on the
point of destroying the whole earth and said in a mind-
blowing fierce tone: “Bad girl, why Kerala if I am here?
Bad girl, bad girl!” I dared answer back: “Swami, I do not
understand. You are not only here, You are everywhere!”
But His eyes became like fire and reduced me to ashes
with what looked like an angry: “Shut up!” I felt as if inside
glass was breaking in my chest. It was an inner earthquake
and I felt annihilated, but remained cool, calm and
collected in a corner of the room hoping the nightmare
would soon end. When at the end of the interview, He was
handing everybody the precious packets of vibhuti, I lifted
my hand up, but to my utter dismay, I saw Him briskly
withdraw from me saying: “ No. Not to you, bad girl!” I
walked out crushed.
37
 AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS
I went on reviewing the scene in total distress, but an
inner part of me knew He was only pretending to be furious
and that it was a test. I had been dwelling on the issue if
we had to always ask the form and here I was facing if I
were to follow what my heart had prompted me or give up
the Kerala plan and stay in Puttaparthi, as the words of
the form, I so much loved and trusted, seemed to suggest.
It was very difficult to make a decision, but eventually I
followed the promptings from the heart and left.
Interestingly, all the people present at that scolding in
the interview had understood Swami had said “beggar”
and not “bad girl” and that really made sense, if linked to
the issue of asking the form. Still, it was a major step in
my growing process. The baby had to become an adult.
The weaning process from the attachment to the form, I
was so devoted to had started. From outside, He was
kicking me inside, and from inside, He was pulling me
with unrelenting strength. But it hurt.
When I arrived in Varkala and they unloaded from the
truck a huge Sai picture, I picked it up saying: “You have
hurt me too much, for the moment, I do not want You in
my house!” I left the picture outside under the monsoon
heavy rain. The only Sai devotee I had met in Kerala,
during the previous weeks, lived 200 kilometers away, in
Alleppey. Guess who was at my doorstep next morning?
Yes, that very devotee was there, standing under the rain,
with a huge parcel under his arm. When he said he had a
present for me, I instantly knew what it was, still I
unwrapped it to verify and, there, was the sweetest picture
of Sai in a white robe blessing with both His hands up.
Pretending to be bewildered, I asked why he had come
from that far to bring Swami’s picture and he told me: “You
should know better than me. Last night Baba came in my
dream and told me ‘Go to that Italian lady in Varkala and
bring her a new picture of mine’.” I saw the devotee glance
at the crumbling, soaking wet old picture of Sai lying in a
corner of the garden and then he stared at me in silence.
I felt so awful that I could have dug a deep hole under my
feet where to go and hide!
38
Can One Ever Abandon Him?
I didn’t understand the message right away, as I still
felt a great pain inside. Deep within me I knew I had taken
to the correct path of expansion, but it hurt. So, I thought
Sai was like a lover who, in the beginning, smiled, was
sweet and understanding, till He had you safely
surrendered at His feet, but then with time, betrayed you
dispassionately with great lessons to verify if you had
grasped the teachings and, when He saw you in distress,
came with presents to make peace. But I was still too upset
to make peace with Him.
During that year I visited many Ashrams and had the
opportunity to meet many Teachers. I went to see Amma,
She embraced and cuddled me, even asked me to sit at
Her feet while Her darshan continued, but I knew She was
not my teacher, so I left it at a simple visit, to a hug and all
my respect for the beautiful, compassionate mission She
was so selflessly carrying on in the world. I felt the same
feeling of respect for Aurobindo and the Mother when I sat
near their Samadhi, but knew they were not meant to be
my teachers, though sitting in the Matrimandir for a short
meditation had left me numb and I admired how the
Auroville community had been organized. I had the
opportunity to meet Ramesh Balsekar, but I knew he was
not meant to be my teacher. I had met some other Swamis,
but none had the spiritual spark that could attract me.
With none I felt peace and inner joy. I had met Dzogchen
Rinpoche in a monastery near Mysore, but felt not inclined
to stay on, though the atmosphere was so elevating and
the teaching so interesting.
The Ashram where I really felt comfortable was Ramana
Maharshi’s in Tiruvannamalai, at the foot of Arunachala,
the sacred Shiva Mountain. His teachings went straight
to the core of my being. I would sit for hours on end around
the big open well or walk up half way to Virupaksha cave
dwelling on their meaning. Some I could not grasp or
retain completely, but the ones I needed to absorb in that
very moment stood out in golden letters:
“You are awareness. Since you are awareness there is
no need to attain or cultivate it. All that you have to do is
39
 AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS
to give up being aware of other things that are not the Self.
If one gives up being aware of them, then pure awareness
alone remains and that is the Self.”
It was so soothing to sit for hours in the room where He
used to teach absorbed in silence. All over the Ashram
one could still feel the Presence of one of the most glorious
Jnani the world had come to know of. There I deeply
understood that nothing, nothing really mattered and that
we already were what we were looking for. If you
surrendered the notion of I and mine, all that remained
was the Reality.
I loved the satsang I attended one afternoon and
recorded in order to imbibe it: “All responsibilities are
being carried by the omnipotent power of a Supreme God.
So, why should we always be planning: “We should do this
or that.” Knowing that the train carries the entire load,
why should we, while traveling on a train, suffer by
carrying our small bundles on our heads, instead of leaving
it on the train in order to be happy and carefree? There
are two ways of achieving surrender. One, is looking into
the source of the ‘I’ and merging into that source. The other,
is feeling ‘I am helpless myself, God alone is all powerful
and, except by throwing myself completely on Him, there
is no other means of safety for me’ and thus gradually
developing the conviction that God alone exists and the
ego does not count. Both methods lead to the Supreme
Goal. What is bhakti? To think of God. That means one
thought prevails to the exclusion of all other thoughts.
Bhakti is the mother of Jnana.”
This satsang immediately brought back to my memory
an interview I had had in 1992 where I had asked Swami:
“What about my son and his gambling?” Sai had looked
up in the air as if seeing the scene of the horse races and
then stated: “You do your duty. Your duty is to only think
about God, think that you are God and you will become
God. Leave all the rest to Me.” I had surrendered all my
worries, but only after this satsang, did I really grasp that
He had graced me with the direct personal spiritual
teaching most appropriate for my frame of mind. Maybe I
was so complicated and confused when He had advised
40
Can One Ever Abandon Him?
me, or the teaching had seemed too easy for the
conceptualizing mind that I had not practiced it. Actually,
the simpler the teachings, the more difficult they are to
follow and stick to. So, this was the practice I picked up
from that day onwards, thanks to that gentle reminder at
the foot of Arunachala.
I understood that conceptualizing did not help to absorb
and experience the spiritual truths, that there would be a
day that bhakti would open up the road to the Supreme
Knowing in the heart, as only the heart could lead me to
perceive the Love I truly was. My sadhana was to relinquish
the attachment to any other thought different from God.
Furthermore I surrendered all my efforts in the hands of
the Supreme Power. I had learned there would be a moment
when effort and grace would meet and all would be
revealed in the heart. All I could do was to be open, keeping
my pots turned upwards, towards that Loving Power, in
order to be ready to receive the grace.
I am still grateful to a very old Ashramite who, when he
saw me, ‘automatically’, stack up a pile of books on the
counter of the book store, came to my rescue and, as he
was observing silence, simply opened a book and, with
his finger, pointed to the following teaching of Ramana
Maharshi:
“As far as reading so many books on Vedanta, you may
go on reading any number of them. They can only tell you
‘Realize the Self in you’. The Self cannot be found in books.
You have to find it out for yourself, in yourself.”
Out of the stack of the 12 books I had already chosen
and intended to buy, he picked out one and made me
clearly understand that it was sufficient to buy only that
one. The book was Who am I. That an Ashramite in charge
of selling books in an Ashram would advice to leave 11
books and buy only one was anyhow so extraordinary and
so stirring.
I left Tiruvannamalai to return to the silence of the cliff
overlooking the vast expanse of the Indian Ocean where
in silence I could enjoy the now. Love and the present
was all there was. After a few months in Varkala, the well
41
 AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS
of the hut collapsed leaving me without water, thieves broke
in and stole almost everything, the neighbours blocked
all the roads to my house and obstacles seemed to multiply
every day. So, believing these were the ways of the Avatar
to call me back to Puttaparthi, I packed up again and, with
two female puppies I had saved from sure death, went back
to Prasanthi Nilayam, the abode of peace.
After that year of absence, the quality of the experience
at darshans was completely different. I was peacefully
detached and absorbed in love. One day I was again asked
to be part of a group and translate. We were eventually
called for an interview, exactly a year later from the last
dramatic one, where Sai had been shouting at me. I walked
up again the three steps to the veranda of the Mandir. My
heart was beating fast when I saw Sai coming near us; He
looked so aloof and vibrant at the same time. In that very
instant I wished there could be another God to pray to for
mercy and to make Him be soft with this child of His. Could
there be another One? He pointed a finger at me and said:
“Translate.” Then He started a spiritual discourse saying:
“Why do you come here if I am everywhere? I permeate the
universe with a thousand eyes.” I stared at Him in utter
amazement, then I couldn’t help giggling; He knowingly
giggled in recognition and then proceeded. I translated,
but I do not remember anything of what He said that
morning. I was so happy. At the very end of the interview,
I even took the courage to clear all doubts and, kneeling
at His feet, asked what had been troubling me for exactly a
year: “Swami, am I still a bad girl?” At this point the farce
unfolded: “You bad? Why?” and I said: “You told me I was
bad.” And Sai acted as if He were baffled and said: “Me?
Why? When?” I couldn’t believe it… One entire year of
tears …I then specified: “Last year, Swami.” and heard Him
say: “Oh, last year! No, no you are such a good girl.” I felt
so relieved He had made clear what I had understood was
correct and not another ego trip.
As each one of His words has a sense, that year saw me
translating six Sai Baba books, enjoying every moment of
it. Translating His books kept me glued only on thoughts
of God.
42
Can One Ever Abandon Him?
Puttaparthi was changing. It was becoming crowded and
very noisy if one had to live outside the Ashram. So, due
to the two dogs I now had as faithful companions, I started
searching for some land. One day some friends took me to
see a coconut grove, behind the Super Specialty Hospital
that made me feel as if I were in Kerala, but at the same
time, physically near Sai Baba’s Ashram. Next morning,
when I went to survey the land, I got in the car and, when
I was on the point of driving past the Gopuram gate of the
Ashram, saw Swami coming out in His car right in front of
me. I followed Him from Prashanthi Nilayam up to the Big
Hospital. What a thrill to drive following the Lord’s car!
Then I saw Him turn round and go back as if He only
intended to accompany me there. I believed it was a
coincidence, but next day same thing happened again,
Swami’s car was in front of mine as I drove to sign a pre-
agreement. In nine days all was settled and in five months
the house was ready. The coconut grove was a great gift, it
was so secluded and peace and silence were all that
existed there, but it also had in store a great teaching.
I had always had two great fears: one of snakes and one
of scorpions. The first year I counted 55 cobras and 25
jumping snakes in the garden and 3 in the house! Not only
did I have to look carefully where I was walking, but they
were also jumping down from the coconut trees and I
suspiciously had to look both up and down! Man can get
used to anything, so as soon I did not fear the snakes any
longer, they all disappeared, but huge big black lobster-
size-scorpions started to materialize from nowhere. One
evening, I was taking a shower and I saw one of these lobster-
size-scorpions appear at rocket speed, its tail up, ready to
attack any intruder. There wasn’t much I could do. Not being
dressed, I couldn’t call for help. So I started to talk to the
Love that linked us both and, astonishingly, saw the little
creature bend its head, as if listening to something it liked,
lower its tail, do something like a funny bow, and disappear.
Now I have no fears and the garden is safe.
I had to follow each step of the construction, facing so
much stress. Eventually, I had to go through non-
diagnosed malaria and typhoid for three months. I was so
43
 AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS

weak that I honestly had no body consciousness. Was I

CHAPTER9
sick or was that the perfect state I should have reached?
My head was totally empty and, when that dizziness made
it impossible for me to safely stand on my feet, I would lie
down and, when I closed my eyes, I would be sucked by a The Dark Night of the Soul
vortex similar to a powerful exhaust fan and, all of a
sudden, I would find myself in Swami’s lap, slipping into
a totally different dimension. When I would wake in the
mornings I would see Him physically here in my house to
give me either a darshan or brief powerful teachings. So,
when people comment that malaria and typhoid must have
been a terrible experience, I always affirm it was the best
period of my life. “To love you all is My duty. It is your right to ask and it is Bhagavan’s
responsibility to answer. When right and responsibility get together, bliss
results.”

Two years went by and, notwithstanding all the grace,

the sacred atmosphere, the enlightening teachings I had
absorbed, still I was not satisfied with the depth of my inner
introverted stage. Time went by and my dark tunnel
seemed to be never ending. All are open books for Sai and,
when He totally ignores us, there is something we still
haven’t grasped or attained that He thus pushes us to
analyze. But even if we may know some of His ways to
help us grow, day after day becomes a very weary
experience when you realize you are stuck in the growth
process. I was happy to be physically ignored, but had no
idea how to speed up whatever He wanted me to speed up.
I knew it had to do with inner view rather than interview.
I knew my mind was still a catalogue of thoughts and
spiritual concepts. These still created a kind of hell that
would follow me wherever I went, as the mind followed
me everywhere. By mere mental habit, the mind was

44 45
 AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS
creating a huge barrier to perceive my essential nature
and the ego was powerfully surviving out of inner
insecurity. I seemed to have relaxed from the first
excitement into stagnation. I had even got accustomed to
the rhythms of going to darshans and didn’t capture the
sacredness any longer. It was very similar to a horrible
numbness. I was waiting for His grace to flow again and
pined for it, as I knew He would never let my hand go.
Human beings have a tendency to blame others for their
difficulties; first of all they blame nature and finally God.
We do not want to take the responsibility that we have
created the suffering ourselves by not utilizing the eternal
wisdom. Even here in Puttaparthi I had used so much time
and energy merely for my physical well-being and, even
if I had reshaped all my life a hundred times, there I was,
simply stuck. I had learnt that the answer was not in the
objects of the world, they were only means that one could
use to attain the final goal of life, and so I had worked on
dispassion, yet I had not found how to detach from
thoughts. Though constant integrated awareness was my
goal, the discipline, the practice and the steps to it were
still uncertain and obscure. After so many years, I now
felt inadequate and an intruder both in the materially
oriented western world and in the spiritual realm, as I
had not dived deep enough into the inner silence where
all would be revealed. I fully realized I could not make it
on my own, out of my incomplete efforts.
This pain and longing was bringing in a great
understanding, but the solutions seemed out of hand, so
I still drifted in-between these two diametrically different
worlds, with no specific qualifications. There was only one
path that could lead me to the summit, but I had no map.
Towards the end of December 1999 I almost got so
discouraged that I pondered over going back to my country
and to the grandmother role, giving up any further
pursuits. The children by then had all got married and
had babies to raise. I painfully went as far as thinking the
stage I had reached was the maximum I could attain in
this lifetime and that was it. But with Sai one really has to
keep one’s thoughts in check!! At that very moment the
46
The Dark Night of the Soul
police informed me that my request for the renewal of visa
had not been accepted from Delhi and they gave me two
weeks to go out of the country. The unexpected kick made
me clearly see that I would have been quite desperate to
have to go back to the old world. I rushed to darshan in
such a state of confusion that Swami passed by totally
unconcerned and stared, with His all-encompassing look,
just a few centimeters above my head, ignoring me
completely. Three days before I had to leave He passed in
front of me at darshan as if He was gliding on roller-skates
and, without giving me time to say a word, said: “When
are you leaving?” And He disappeared. I was appalled. I
tried to convince myself He was only mirroring back my
thoughts, but the subtle fear it might have been an order,
gave me a push to go and consult the palm leaf reader of
the Shuka Nadi Foundation in Bangalore to know if that
obstacle of the visa had been sent to convince me I should
be going back to Italy for good. This was such a big step; I
excused myself for checking Saint Shuka’s palm leaves.
The answer was that I would live and eventually die in
India and, if I were to go back to Italy, it would only be for
a few weeks for family duties. As far as the visa, he told me
that, due to the many past lives as a Buddhist, I could get
a long-term visa only from a Buddhist country. I discussed
the dark moments I was going through under the spiritual
point of view and he assured: “This is the moment in your
life when you will learn Kriya Yoga and this will lead you,
in due time, to the goals you have always been seeking.” I
told him I knew no Kriya Yoga Master and that I had never
heard anyone in Puttaparthi who could give the
information where to go to have Kriya Yoga initiation here
in India. He answered: “They will come and look for you.”
I smiled, not believing this could be possible, but left happy
for the hint on where to go for the visa.
At the travel agency I checked for the nearest Bhuddhist
country and blindly chose Singapore. When I came back
with a five years visa, I bought again Yogananda’s
Autobiography of a Yogi that I had already read and enjoyed
so much, as soon as I had come back from my second trip
to Sai in 1990, to see if I could come across what Kriya
Yoga actually was. I only found a chapter that gave me
47
 AWAKENING
This Marriage
TO CONSCIOUSNESS
Must Work
some very interesting hints, but no clues on the actual
technique, as it was a secret one. I noted in my mind again
it was Babaji that, in 1861, had renewed the teaching to
Lahiri Mahasaya and it had been handed down to
Paramahamsa Yogananda through his Guru, Swami
Sriyukteshwar, and from those few pages realized that Kriya
Yoga was far from being a simple gymnastic but actually
meant the union of body and Soul, it meant realizing the
Truth behind the union of the individual self with the
Supreme Self. I was relieved to understand that Kriya Yoga,
based on the science of breath, was a powerful system of
meditation, which enhanced one’s religious and spiritual
practice whatever the creed and, furthermore, it was not
limited to monks but open to one and all. To my
understanding spirituality meant working with the inner
reality, and to verify this inner truth one had to work in
the laboratory of the inner realm. The mind was the lab
and now I needed to find the tools or, in other words, the
exact practice of meditation to achieve victory over the
mind. The still unanswered question was where I could
go to obtain the correct information and if there was a
Master I could fully trust. I left it in Sai’s hands and left
the thought about Kriya Yoga aside.
After only one month from the reading, in early
February 2000, Judy, an American friend of my neighbour
Pat, came to pay her a visit and as I was having a very
painful twisted neck Pat asked her to come and see if she
could help me. While she was giving me Reiki in my
bedroom, she noticed Yogananda’s book on the bedside
table and I heard her say: “In three days time I am going to
Puri where, for only a few weeks, there will be
Paramahamsa Prajnanananda who could initiate you into
Kriya, do you want to come with me?”
These words floated in the air for some time and it took
me minutes to become conscious about what she had just
said. I couldn’t believe it.
She briefly explained that Paramahamsa Hariharananda
was a rare enlightened Master who belonged to the same
lineage of Gurus as Yoganandaji and how she respected
and highly considered also all the other monks of the Giri
order that were His disciples. As soon as the astonishment
48
The Dark Night of the Soul
faded, I simply agreed and thanked her. While she was on
the phone asking Paramahamsa Prajnanananda if she
could bring me with her to Orissa and if He agreed to initiate
me, I silently tuned in waiting for the verdict. When I heard
the answer was: “Yes”, I thanked Sai with all my heart.
In three days time we were both flying to Bhubaneshwar,
as one of the Ashrams was in Jagatpur near Cuttack and
the other one in Balighai near Puri. On the airplane Judy
handed me a photocopy of an article where I read:
One must receive initiation into the authentic and
original Kriya Yoga directly from the realized Guru and
supreme living Kriya Master, Paramahamsa
Hariharananda, or one of his authorized Yogacharyas.
There are no correspondence courses or lessons available
through Kriya Yoga Institute.
The Tradition of Kriya Yoga
Purification and Blessing Ceremony
The ancient tradition for learning the royal science of
Kriya Yoga meditation begins with purification. This
entails participation in a holy ceremony in which the spine
and the body are purified. Each seeker is initiated on an
individual basis through the direct touch of a teacher of
this lineage. The teacher directly infuses the triple divine
qualities of sound, vibration, and light into the initiate.
Through this process, the seeker will learn to perceive the
inner light of the soul, hear divine sound, and feel the
divine movement sensation all over the body. Sacred
mantras are chanted throughout the ceremony with
adequate explanations in English.
In the beginning of the ceremony, basic techniques of
calmness are taught thereby preparing the seeker for the
infusion of divine energy. Initiation into the Holy Stream
of Divine Consciousness is attained by overcoming the
internal chatter of the mind. This enables calming the
thought processes and merging into the Divine in the form
of Sound, Vibration, and Light.
The instruction ceremony consists of the following
phases:
49
1. Purification of body, spine, and senses
2. Infusion of triple divine qualities
3. Blessings-flower
4. Oblations of breath to the fire
5. Affirmation
6. Offerings to God and Masters
7. Sprinkling of the holy water-of-peace
The first phase of the ceremony purifies the body of the
seeker. Further purification ensues from the breath
oblations in the fire ceremony. This fire ceremony is
outwardly symbolic, but causes cleansing to occur at more
subtle, deeper levels. The depth of purification of the
seeker depends upon the desire and receptivity of the
seeker. At the completion of the ceremony, instruction
on the 1st-Kriya level of techniques is given so that the
aspirants can continue the process of purification and
meditate on their own. Several different techniques of
Kriya Yoga are revealed by the instructor. This entire
ceremony, including the infusion of triple divine qualities, Part II
is performed by an authorized teacher or a monk of this
lineage. The seeker offers three symbolic gifts to the
instructor as offerings to God and the Masters. The three
offerings are: five fruits representing the fruits gained from
activities throughout life; five flowers which represent the
five senses; and a financial donation representing the
causal, astral, and gross body, respectively.
The seeker will also be asked not to divulge the
technique to others in order to maintain and uphold the
purity of the teachings.
I folded the article, looked out over the clouds that were
completely covering our view and separating us from the
earth. They seemed so soft and dense at the same time.
Some looked like sheep and some others like the Gods
and Goddesses I had read about in the Bhagavatam. Light
gusts of wind would make them unroll and reshape
themselves into totally different forms till the clouds
appeared to me as if they were reflecting the mystifying
play of maya, mirroring back to me the unending
transformations I was going through under the loving care
of Baba.
AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS

C H A P T E R 10

The Boon

“The Guru is a light to show one the road, but the destination is God.
One is grateful to the Guru, but it is God that one worships.”

All had happened so quickly that my mind had had no

time to create any expectations. I was incredibly calm and
silent and took all what was happening as just a most
natural, consequential and loving boon from Sai. I had
gone through the long dark period and this was a new
beginning. I knew there could only be light after all that
darkness. After an hour’s drive from the airport I simply
found myself in front of the Ashram with flowers and fruits
in my hands. A Swami came out to greet us and Judy
whispered: “Paramahamsa Prajnanananda.” Not tall, long
hair, long black beard, simply dressed in a particular
peach-orange colour. What struck me at first were His
twinkling dark huge eyes, the vibrant intensity of His look
and the most enticing and sweet smile. Then I heard Him
say: “I knew you were coming, but now that I see you, now
I recognize you.” With an unexpected intense flow of love
and heartfelt respect, I spontaneously and humbly bowed.

52 53
 AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS
In 12 years in India, I had never bowed to anybody else
but Sai.
In the Ashram there was a joyful atmosphere. People
seemed to be very spontaneous and, as I did not know
any of the rules there, I clung to Judy. People were coming
in and out of a huge room where Paramahamsaji was sitting
on a simple mat amidst suitcases and boxes full of books.
I sat on the floor watching it all and admired His swift
capacity for dealing with many disciples while at the same
time, He was scrutinizing some new book that was to be
published, photographs to be reprinted, answered the
phone and looked with a sense of humour or with loving
concern into the devotees’ problems. He was always joyful
and, notwithstanding the hectic routine, He radiated so
much peace. I sat quietly watching; open to receive His
gift of love, peace and tranquility. The only thing He asked
me was: “Why do you want to learn Kriya Yoga?” I
answered briefly describing the dissatisfaction of many
years of not having a clue how to reach constant integrated
awareness. That seemed to be sufficient and He said that
in two days time we would go to Balighai and that on the
12th of February He would initiate me. We pleasantly
talked about Sai Baba and, with a very gentle smile, He
shared with me how two pictures of Sai had attracted him
when He had been only eight years old, how He had rushed
home to get the money to buy both of them and had them
instantly framed. He also added that, while He was still a
brahmachari, He had been to Puttaparthi twice.
That same evening at seven there was a guided
meditation. In the meditation hall I stared at all the pictures
of the Kriya Yoga Masters: Babaji, Lahiri Mahasaya. Swami
Sriyukteswar, Sri Sanyal Mahasaya, Paramahamsa
Yogananda, Swami Sathyananda and in the middle of them
all, a huge picture of Paramahamsa Hariharananda who, I
was told, was now 93 and still spent hours teaching the
technique in His Miami Ashram.
What does one feel when suddenly one has to face the
forms of so many new enlightened Masters? The only thing
I did, was to close my eyes knowing all were “One” without
giving importance to the different forms, therefore I
54
The Boon
thanked that Supreme Energy for all the boons I was
constantly receiving. I studied carefully Hariharanandaji’s
picture and strangely saw Him as a Chinese sage. A bulb
was reflecting its light exactly in the middle of the
photograph and it appeared as if His heart was radiating a
suffused halo of pink light, a ray of love.
That evening Prajnananandaji was going to guide the
meditation. I was allowed to try and follow even if I was
not yet initiated. In the beginning I had to look at what
the others were doing, then slowly discovered I could
follow even with my eyes closed. When we were told to
silently meditate concentrating at the top of the head, at
the words: “Love your breath, breath is God.” I was amazed
how deep I went and how, at a certain point, I could clearly
see Sai at the top of my head. He was standing there, like
a sentinel, at the side of a huge well, looking down this
well and breathing in and out. The breath was coming up
and down this deep well and it gave me an experience of
infinite peace. How sweet was the Lord to give me
immediate assurance of His all-knowing Presence! When
the experience faded I was blissfully smiling. I opened my
eyes and looked at Prajnananandaji who was sitting on
the dais. He glanced back and an incredibly bright smile
lit his beautiful face, as if He knew what had happened.
Words would not do justice if I tried to describe the
intensity of the feeling when, out of the blue, you realize
there is a deep subtle link of pure unconditional love and
understanding between the teacher and the seeker He has
accepted to initiate.
After reciting the food prayer, which was the same one
we also recited in Puttaparthi, just a few verses longer, we
all had dinner on leaf plates squatting on the floor and,
for the first time in12 years here in India, I ate with my
hands making a great mess. Young boys were rapidly
serving food from huge buckets and the flavour was
exceptionally good as there were no chilies and very few
spices. Everyone was so cheerful, the atmosphere was so
relaxed, but each time Prajnananandaji swiftly appeared,
you became aware of an invisible shift of energy, from
simply cheerful we all became radiant. When we all had
55
 AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS
finished, also Prajnananandaji sat down together with all
the other monks and had His meal. That night, after many
years, Baba came in my dream and with concern asked if
I liked the enlightened Master He had brought me to and
also added that from that moment onwards I would be
meeting more than one.
That morning I bought one of Prajnananandaji’s books,
as I was eager to know something more about the teacher
who was going to initiate me, and keenly read what was
written about His life:
“Paramahamsa Prajnanananda, who is the disciple and
chosen spiritual successor of Paramahamsa
Hariharananda, a rare living realised Master, has taken
on the mission of spreading the ancient and sacred
teachings of Kriya Yoga to spiritual aspirants leading and
guiding many disciples along the path of realisation.
Paramahamsa Hariharananda, long before He made Him
a monk, had said: “Whatever is started by Me, has to be
completed by Him.” Paramahamsa Prajnanananda was
born in the village of Pattamundai in Orissa in 1960. From
an early age He was searching for a spiritual teacher and
had always been a sincere seeker of truth. In 1983, while
still a student, He met His Master Paramahamsa
Hariharananda, who initiated Him into the path of Kriya
Yoga. This meeting changed His whole life.He soon went
to live with His Master in Karar Ashram in Puri and
travelled to and fro from Puri to Rourkela and to Cuttack
where He was then teaching as a professor of Economics
for 11 years. Brahmachari Triloki Dash, as He was then
known, was initiated into Sannyas by His Master, and
became Swami Prajnanananda Giri on the 25th of April
1995. The next day, Paramahamsa Hariharananda sent
Him immediately to Europe and then to the USA to teach
Kriya Yoga through public lectures, seminars, retreats and
meditation classes. On August 10, 1998, on His 39th
birthday, the title of Paramahamsa, the highest title
reserved for monks and saints who attain the summit of
realization was conferred
He is selflessly sacrificing the silent and secluded life
of a monk, to lovingly spreading the path of Kriya Yoga,
56
The Boon
by ceaselessly travelling around the world. The power of
His teachings lies in their simplicity and direct relevance
to our daily lives. His clear and concise explanations on
all the ancient Holy Scriptures and the depth of His
metaphorical interpretations are unique. Using Kriya Yoga
as a reference point and interpretative tool,
Prajnananandaji reveals the hidden truths contained in
the most complex passages of the Sacred Texts of the East
and West. His vast knowledge and oratory and intellectual
skills are fully utilized in interpreting deep philosophical
thoughts in the light of modern science and psychology.
Paramahamsa Prajnanananda, in essence, teaches only
one lesson: the lesson of love. He urges and directs
aspirants on the spiritual path to realise they are all Divine
and that one can reach that Super Conscious, blissful state
through constant breath-awareness. He is an ocean of
wisdom and, being fully grounded within, He can focus
on ten tasks at a time with perfect precision and mastery,
yet, around Him, one always perceives a loving, peaceful
yet forceful and joyful energy, the mark of a Master who
has mastered Himself. Paramahamsa Prajnanananda’s life
is His message. Once we have offered ourselves to the
Lord, the world naturally prostrates at our feet, once we
have conquered our mind, we have conquered the world
and, once we are successful within, also worldly
accomplishments are gained. Once we surrender our own
desires to the Lord, we are free from our own personal
whims and ambitions and the Divine Will itself becomes
our own desire. Once one has found bliss and harmony
within, the whole world becomes infused with beauty
and joy.
He Himself sets an example to one and all on how to
realize the connection between ourselves and the Divine;
how to surrender and unfold our infinite potential to its
fullest, in order to become or be anything we wish, without
losing sight of the highest goal in life, thus encouraging
His disciples to follow His exemplary life and His teachings
with enthusiasm and faith.
Paramahamsa Prajnanananda founded Prajnana
Mission in 1993 on the advice and Divine guidance of
57
 AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS

Paramahamsa Hariharananda. Prajnana Mission has

C H A P T E R 11
Ashrams in Cuttack and in Balighai near Puri in Orissa.
Through the Mission the discipline of Kriya Yoga is taught
to sincere seekers irrespective of caste, creed, sex and
religion. Prajnana Mission is also dedicated to the service
of humanity through many charitable and educational The Day of Initiation
activities.
Balighai Ashram has just been enlarged for intensive
retreats and seminars. In 1995 Paramahamsa
Hariharananda had a dream where Sriyukteshwar
directed Him to transfer this property to Paramahamsa
Prajnanananda predicting that this beautiful Ashram will
become a place of international reputation where many “Remaining in the Soul centre, one can go down to the lower centres of
people would come to stay and meditate.” earth and water, and fly high into the fontanel to tap the real source of
joy and pleasure. Tapping the source is possible only if we can stop the
play of the mind.”

We traveled to Puri by car and, after 10 kilometers on

the narrow but lovely Marine Drive that leads to Konark
Temple, we arrived in Balighai where Hariharananda’s
Gurukulam was in the process of being built. We enjoyed
the warmth of the winter sun sitting quietly around a most
enchanting pond full of pale pink lotuses. Two ducks were
trying to chase us away and the deer that roamed free
avoided us as intruders on their peace. It was so beautiful
and peaceful. I was shown where the new Ashram would
be built and the new small hospital where doctors would
cure the poor villagers free of charge. The monks were going
to sleep in a tiny hut and the rest of the people in the
meditation hall or in the rooms below. Judy asked if I were
the only one to be initiated next day, but Prajnananandaji
said that whenever people came to know He was there,
someone would always appear at the last moment to
be initiated.

58 59
 AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS
A day before flying to Bhubaneshwar my ex-husband
had come to pay me a visit and he was complaining about
not being capable of remaining in a constant blissful state.
Hoping it could really help him, I had told him where I
was going and he had asked if he could join. As he had
not found a seat on our flight, he had arrived that very day
and I left him to his own experiences without helping him
much, as I wanted to be in silence as much as I could. I
also did not want to have any further responsibility
towards him.
That very afternoon we saw a foreigner walk into the
Ashram, his legs and arms all scratched and bleeding. Still
out of breath, he asked if it was possible to be initiated
and explained that he was riding on his bicycle back to
Puri, had just fallen off in front of the Ashram gate, looked
up and saw the words: ‘Kriya Yoga Ashram’. He explained
that he had been having this aspiration for many years,
but never expected to bump into this opportunity in such
circumstances. We all laughed, but it really was a peculiar
story.
That night I couldn’t sleep and took three or four
showers to purify my body before the initiation. I was so
happy looking forward to the ceremony, which is to be
considered as a new baptism that allows a new start on
the spiritual path. At six in the morning my ex husband
approached me saying he had decided he didn’t need Kriya
Yoga initiation as he believed he had already reached
enlightenment when he was 21. I do not know if in my
eyes there were flames that burnt him when I said: “This
is old rubbish, then why can’t you always be in ananda?”
All I know is that he left straight away.
I walked into the thatched roof hut where the ceremony
would be held, leaving all the world outside, and noticed
that there were another three people waiting to be initiated,
confirming what Prajnananandaji had said. We all sat in
front of Him. He looked around and asked: “Where is your
husband?” and when in two words I told Him he had chosen
not to take the initiation, He acknowledged: “Very good.”
60
The Day of Initiation
These two simple words reminded me of Sai’s and, rang a
bell! For the first time, I looked at Prajnananandaji with
an awe.
I cannot write much about the initiation, as I remember
absolutely nothing of the entire ceremony. All I remember
is the profound sound of Prajnananandaji’s breath echoing
inside my own body and then being hooked up to a bulb
giving light at the top of the head while a conch was being
blown in some far place inside me. I had to wait one year
till I had the chance to witness another initiation
ceremony. After having seen how touching the ceremony
was, I went to Prajnananandaji and said: “I am jealous,
you did not do all that to me last year!” He answered that
for sure He had, but I still have no memory of it all.
Something very similar to my first darshan must have
happened. Remembering the ceremony in itself may not
be that important, but what I shall never forget is the
overwhelming and extreme calmness that followed it.
The same evening Paramahamsaji instructed us on the
technique. Watching Him show us how to practice was
fascinating. To me He appeared to be a block of solid peace,
His body and his postures showed the deepest harmony
and the perfect stillness of connectedness. There was no
showing off; He was so pure, so humble and yet so powerful.
The practice seemed to be one with Him. From His voice
transpired the devotion and sweetness of His love for the
One in Him and yet He was ever present and aware of all
of us. His presence in the room must have muffled my mind
because, instead of learning the practice, I just stared at
Him spaced out. I had to pull myself together more than
once to have a pin pointed attention on what He was
teaching us. Eventually I even had to make Him repeat all
the instructions taking notes, as I feared not to be able to
remember once at home. But once back home I discovered
I did not need the notes, as the memory of His voice
instructing us surfaced again and again, as soon as I would
close my eyes. Every time I practiced, it was as if someone
switched on the light, when deeply relaxed, I often felt
delicate buzzing sounds and vibrations, and with time,
the more the mind became calm and centered, the more
they increased.
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 AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS
Judy and I took a taxi to go and visit Karar Ashram where
Swami Sriyukteshwar, the Guru of both Yoganandaji and
Hariharanandaji, had lived for many years. The taxi driver
did not know the way to the Ashram and I was astounded
to point at him to stop exactly in front, even if I had never
been there before. There was no visible sign, but I said:
“There it is.” One does not know whether these are
memories or intuitions, but it was awe-inspiring. We
walked around the premises, amazed by its enchanting
peace and beauty. In the meditation hall, I saw pictures of
innumerable spiritually evolved personalities, saints and
Gurus. My attention went to a collage of all these Indian
saints and noticed Sai Baba at the top. It was so sweet to
find Him everywhere! I imagined all those saints and
highly evolved Masters were His fingers selflessly working
in the world, so that as many people as possible could be
woken up by their inspired teachings.
Judy and I walked out and went to sit in the tranquil
samadhi temple of Swami Sriyukteshwarji. I bowed and sat
quietly for a long time. I honestly must say that if I were
asked where I’d prefer to live my future years in seclusion,
if I had the choice, Karar Ashram would surely be my
number one alternative. There, one can enjoy the most
conducive, sacred and peaceful atmosphere, together with
an extraordinary uplifting energy.
When we left, I glanced back at the pale bluish-
whitewashed simple construction, with its walls embraced
by multicoloured bougainvilleas and I found it difficult to
leave that deep silence and suffused peace. We went to
see Jagannath Temple and felt sad not to be allowed in,
as in the majority of the most sacred Hindu temples in
India, foreigners are not allowed. I dismissed a slight sense
of rejection and smiled knowing there was a temple,
inside, no one could ever refuse me entrance. I dwelled
on the general Hindu belief that all Gods are One and
wondered why such rules could still be upheld
differentiating on creed as spirituality was beyond such
boundaries. I was sure this was only a man-made rule
and Jagannath, the Lord of the Universe, had nothing to
do with it.
62
The Day of Initiation
After five days, content with the first results of the
practice, I flew back home, but just before leaving, I found
myself with those special atmic tears swelling up from my
heart. I had never been that joyful, my heart full to the
brim with the deepest love and gratitude. I knew the
missing link had been found.
I carefully examined that deep feeling of “loving awe”
that I spontaneously felt for Prajnananandaji. I recognized
that the power of the atma was for sure the strongest magnet.
That same Supreme Power of God that same Love I had
experienced in Sai’s Presence was also intensely flowing
from this highly realized Yogi, as He was so pure. There
are no two powers; the Divine Love Energy is One. I could
clearly see in Him the perfect example of a real devotee of
the Lord who had succeeded in mastering Himself with
great love and discipline, He had traveled already on the
same road I was struggling on and He had succeeded, so
I knew He could also lead me forward. Up till today, I have
always refused to memorize all the complex names of all
the stages of samadhi, nor am I to know where He stands
in terms of names or classifications, but I have a heart to
feel the great uplifting peace, untainted love and delightful
inner joy I am graced with, by simply sitting somewhere
near Him and that, for me, is even more than enough to
love and trust Him fully.
A few weeks after I had come back to Puttaparthi, it was
my birthday and I received the wonderful gift of a first line.
I could feel that the love for Sai had even deepened in
sweetness as great ripples of love and that special honey
was again flowing while waiting for Him to appear. When
He slowly arrived in front of me, I heard Him softly
pronounce: “Chaala Santhosham,” (Very happy) and at the
same time Sai Baba slightly lifted His robe allowing me,
after two years of ignoring me, to take what would
eventually be my last, but soul-enthralling padnamaskar.
If any part of my mind needed a confirmation I was on the
right path, or where Sai Baba had planned and wanted me
to be, that padnamaskar was for me the ultimate “blessing-
seal”. A few months later Swami, all of a sudden,
announced that He would not allow them any more and
63
 AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS The Day of Initiation

also added: “From today no more padnamaskars, you but understanding that the ‘baby’ in me needed a contact,
yourselves are God, haven’t you yet realized it?” Many of I picked up the phone and rang up Vienna Ashram and, at
the devotees were devastated, but what a mind-boggling the other end, heard His voice personally answering the
direct teaching that was! phone. He was so surprised and sweet and I was happy. I
I reorganized my daily schedules to give space to the knew He traveled a lot, but in those days I yet didn’t know
technique. I loved practicing. I knew it would, with time, how rare it is to find him, unless one had His programs
give me through loving peace the constant God awareness that obviously I didn’t have. I do not remember the short
I so much longed for. I had full trust in the technique, as conversation, but what I do remember is the amazement
Kriya was what all those realized Masters had been that struck me when, exactly the very next day, while
practicing. I kept myself in check and practiced punctually. tidying up, I found a leaflet of the Cuttack Ashram where
there were listed all the Holy days of the year and noticed
Soon, I found myself creating even a totally new
that the 10th of August was Prajnananandaji’s Birthday.
environment pulling out all the plants and rearranging
Was it really all a coincidence? Who was that ‘baby’ in me
the entire garden. I designed and built a new house, much
wailing just looking at His photograph exactly on the day
smaller than the previous one, intending to reshape my
of His Birthday? I blushed trying to figure out what He
life once more limiting my needs and wants to the
must have thought of that funny mother ringing all the
minimum. Was I building and rebuilding just like Milarepa
way from India, on that particular day, without even saying:
was instructed to do? There seemed to be a need to express
“Happy Birthday!”
the inner transformation all around me and I was
astonished at the unending joyful creative energy I had. I sat down quietly trying to tune into that Supreme
After six months the body started a dance of aches as if the energy that is all pervading and, once and for all,
greatest pullout was going on: hips, slipped discs, sciatica surrendered to God and to the Guru that the all knowing
and terrible backache weren’t allowing me to practice any Life Energy had brought me back to. With the most tender
longer. I wrote to Prajnananandaji about the problem and and loving heart I bowed in gratitude, I bowed to the One
soon received a letter where He advised me to constantly and only Supreme Source, to Sri Sathya Sai who, to love
watch my breath and that would be sufficient. It seemed Himself had separated Himself from Himself to become the
simple, but it was so easy to get distracted and forget for many forms and, as the great Director of the play, life after
hours on end, but as time went by, I noticed that ultimately, life, continued guiding me to the Master that again and
I would feel at loss when not aware of breath. I was feeling again came to this planet earth to help me finish the game.
ever more peaceful and calm, this profound calmness often
turned into pure bliss, bliss turned into an elating
expansion and the expansion concretized into
unfathomable pure unconditional love that those around
me really could feel.
On the 10th of August 2000, the new small house was
ready and I moved into a new life. While reorganizing my
books I opened Yoga: Pathway to the Divine, one of
Prajnananandaji’s many books, silently turned the pages
till my eyes fell on one of His photographs and,
unexpectedly, found myself sobbing. I was taken aback,

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C H A P T E R 12
Kriya Yoga Intensive Program
“The human mind is not happy with momentary gains and pleasures.The
mind wants to dive deep and fly high to find the treasures of the Soul,
the Atma.”
January 2001 saw me again getting ready to leave for
Balighai where I wished to attend the 2nd Kriya Yoga
Intensive Program. Before flying to Bhubaneshwar I
stopped in Whitefield as Swami was there. On the way a
thought traveled through the mind: it would be nice to be
able to allow other Sai devotees to come to know where to
receive Kriya initiation. The thought had an immediate
outcome. The sevadal in charge, when she saw me enter
the hall, got hold of my hand and said. “This morning you
sit first line, first block.” Well that was really the first time
in years that it had happened. When I sat down I knew
that was the rare opportunity to hand over the message to
Swami and maybe also a chance for an answer. I felt that I
shoud ask Sai first because Puttaparthi was His abode, His
private ‘territory’. So, I found some paper and a pen and
wrote: “Is it Your will that I may become a link between
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Kriya Yoga Intensive Program
Kriya and Your devotees in Puttaparthi?” As soon as Baba
came out He went to the opposite end and I kept rolling
up the tiny piece of paper reducing it to a funny shape.
When finally He came to our first line He stopped, took
the note, opened it and with a smile He blessed me and
enthusiastically added: “Very happy! Very happy!”
Upon arriving in Cuttack Ashram I informed
Prajnananandaji about my odd first line at darshan, my
note and Sai’s answer and His blessings. He was so busy
daily giving talks on the Bhagavad Gita in Bhubaneswar
and Cuttack and then the program in Balighai where
almost all the Kriya monks were present and many Swamis
from all over India were His guests.
The program was very intense with the many monks
who had graced the occasion with their holy presence.
From the dais the energy swept us with such power we
were all overwhelmed. Some would fall asleep even when
not tired, some others were helped to meditate deeper, I
simply felt hooked up during all of the week.
Prajnananandaji gave the most interesting discourses and
I sat riveted all day though I had a very high fever. During
that week I had little time to speak with Prajnananandaji,
but it seemed there was no need. A glance or a word in a
particular tone would be sufficient for me to feel His loving
concern and “knowing”. If I had some questions He would
surprisingly answer them in one of His classes, so I was
contented and grateful. During that program also
Prajnananandaji was very sick, but when He had to be on
the dais, He extraordinarily looked as vibrant as ever, but
soon after, He was undergoing asthma attacks due to the
dust of the cars parking right in front of the Ashram. One
could tell from the tone of His voice He was not well, but
the liveliness was always the same and the busy program
was not modified. I noted down His lessons and still
remember the notes on sadhana:
“The nature of the mind is extrovert; it does not like to
go inwards. The mind cannot remain in a vacuum
space, it continuously looks for objects. If left to its
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normal pattern, the mind will roam from one object to
another. In sadhana, we have to reverse the process.
If you identify with the mind, the mind becomes the
master and you become the slave. Reverse the process.
How to reverse the process? Concentrate on a single
object and go to the internal world. Through the grace
of the Guru and our own self-effort, the mind becomes
focused. When the mind becomes stable and follows
our command, the focused mind will reach deeper
spiritual dimensions. All of you assembled here are
fortunate and blessed to be able to get clear guidance
on how to withdraw and direct the mind to God with
full force. Sadhana is not a part-time commitment, but a
constant endeavor. The mind is a big bag of tricks. The
mind is mischievous. Sadhana cannot be practiced only
innerly, but also when we deal with the world,
relationships, jobs and other duties. People think that
sadhana means only meditation, prayer and reading
the Scriptures and that it has no connection with worldly
life. People divide life in two compartments: spiritual
and worldly. In one they practice disciplines and in
the other they roam free. In this way the mind crawls
backwards and forwards into its old grooves and does
not progress. A sadhaka’s daily life must be conducive
to his sadhana as a whole. All activities should be done
as karma yoga.”
Sometimes He would give us a break telling us some
stories with such a sense of humour that the hall would
be filled with laughter and the tension from the intense
teachings would decrease. Of all the stories I liked the
one of the cat and the fox the most. Prajnananandaji said
it was a story that Sriyukteshwar used to tell His disciples:
“There were two friends, a cat and a fox, who lived in
a forest. One day they were discussing different ways
in which they could escape danger and save their lives.
The cat said: “ I know of only one way, and that is to
climb a tree. How many ways of saving yourself do
you know?”
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Kriya Yoga Intensive Program
The fox said: “Oh, many techniques!” and produced a
book describing them on many pages. While they were
talking a dog came to chase them. The cat quickly
climbed a tree and was safe, while the fox had to search
through pages and pages of his book to know which
technique to follow!”
Prajnananandaji commented that it was good to know
a little and to practice it, rather than to know a lot, but not
practice what you knew and that regular practice was the
sure way to success. This made me think also of Sai Baba’s
words: “You should not dig many shallow holes, but one,
long, deep one.”
Each day represented massive learning as
Prajnananandaji’s way of conveying the teachings was so
clear, so direct and so pleasant that it hit the point
immediately. He would sense when we were tired and
would give us a break making us sing following His sweet
voice. Then there would be question and answer sessions
where He would dispel any doubt in no time, straight to
the point.
When the week was over some of the foreigners and also
all of the monks were going to the Maha Kumbhamela, but
by then I was so sick, I had to come back home. Before
leaving I asked if there could be a Kriya Yoga center in
Puttaparthi and He agreed. I bowed, and both of us with
high fevers happily left for different destinations.
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C H A P T E R 13
The Trip to Miami
“Life is a candle designed to radiate knowledge and love, a symbol of
continuous sacrifice for others, kindle it with care.”
In March a beautiful plan for a trip became a reality.
There was a retreat in Assisi, which would have been only
two hours from Siena where I intended to visit the children
and grandchildren for a few weeks and if the bookings,
which were waitlisted, were confirmed, I would also
proceed to Miami, to meet Paramahamsa Hariharananda.
In Assisi the group of kriyavans was mostly of Germans
and Austrians and it was striking how disciplined they
were, compared to the Indian disciples, who are often
lovingly unruly out of too much enthusiasm and
spontaneous affection, but then I also noticed how different
even Prajnananandaji was. Obviously I compared his
joyous carefree looks, so dear to my heart that I had
witnessed and appreciated in India, to how He now
appeared in the West. Still very soft and loving, but not
the Prajnananandaji I had known in India. What confused
me most was we were both wearing shoes!! Very few bowed,
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The Trip to Miami
so I asked Him if one did not bow in the West, but He made
a sign I could. So, I sneaked a few bows as being in a
convent of Franciscan nuns, I doubted they would have
understood. Bowing to a Swami in shoes was quite singular
as, when you bow, you lay your forehead on His feet in
humility and devotion, but also to allow the Master’s
energy to flow into you through the head, as it is like the
linking of negative and positive wires, which generate
spiritual energy. I immediately compared the shoes to that
subtle different “armour” that enveloped Him and
wondered whether, after all, He was all that happy to be
away from the holiest land of the world, His Sacred Bharat,
the Himalayas, the Ganga and Puri that I had heard Him
say was what He loved most. Was He only carrying on what
His Gurudev had asked Him, with great love, self-sacrifice,
selfless sense of duty and patient detachment?
The guided meditations were so deep that in between
it was difficult to feel in the mood to go and sight see, but
Saint Francis’ Eremo and the Porziuncola were both well
worth seeing again. Prajnananandaji asked me if I had
been to Assisi before and when I told Him I had been there,
33 years before on honeymoon, He had one of His hearty
laughs. The retreat filled my heart with extreme calmness
and once more I felt “hooked up to the top of the head”
and when I practiced in Siena, I discovered I could
maintain for even longer periods of time that special
intimacy with my inner Love, but the depth one may reach,
when in the presence of the Master, is for sure difficult to
attain, when one is again alone, back at home.
When, after five days we all left, I turned to glance once
more at that enchanting small town nestled up on a hill
and noticed the last rays of the sun, which was slowly
setting, were lovingly painting the walls of Assisi in a pink
hue. The sunrays were embracing the place that had given
birth to such a beautiful Saint that taught the western
world, by his example, the importance of simplicity and
humility, the two qualities I admired most in all the Kriya
Yoga Swamis.
At the end of April I arrived in Homestead near Miami.
When the gate of the Ashram opened, I saw the most
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beautiful garden with hundreds of roses and all types of
fruit trees including mangoes and bananas. Even on this
occasion my mind was behaving well, as it had no
expectations and nothing had been projected and, when I
was suddenly allowed into Paramahamsa Hariharananda’s
room, a pink nest thick with love, I surely didn’t expect to
feel a melting thud in the heart and the instant flow of
those famous atmic tears that by now, I knew, were my
personal thermometer, when this body came into contact
with pure Divine energy. I could immediately perceive the
charming soft luminosity that is none other than pure love,
pure light, pure unsullied Divine essence. I bowed and
Gurudev blessed me while gently inquiring why I lived in
India. He was so soft, so sweet, sweeter than anything ever
experienced, it was like biting into marzipan that would
slowly melt filling you with sweetness, yet His eyes seemed
to scan your soul and you were aware He knew everything
about you in a split of a second. Then He startled me saying:
“Let me see that necklace you are wearing, it is the most
beautiful necklace in the world. Who gave it to you?” I
said: “Sathya Sai” and then He inquired what I had inside
pointing to a pendant which was not visible as it was totally
inside the blouse of the sari and I answered again: “Sathya
Sai.” He gently smiled holding them both in His hand. He
pulled me by the “chain”, the necklace-japa, till our faces
were very near, and gazing into my eyes He said: “I really
like you.” I looked into His eyes, an inch away from mine,
and for a fraction of a second I saw Sai and then only
overwhelming, infinite Love. His body was lying on His
bed so still, I was not sure He was really aware of my
presence, but then He gently moved His hand all over my
face indicating where I would feel the vibrations, light and
sound in the future and then on each of the chakras, and
told me not to do any of the mudras for a year and a half
and all the pain in the back and hip would be over and,
eventually, I would be able to practice the mudras again. I
walked out so radiant, deeply stirred and uplifted I needed
to be alone and in silence with my inner Sai, but Gurudev’s
sweet unblinking gaze was always there, in front of my
eyes. When, that night, I went to brush my teeth, I was
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quite bewildered to see, from the image reflected in the
mirror, that the photo in the pendent had changed from
Sai to Gurudev. I also showed the pendent to Judy who
was with me in the Ashram guesthouse and we were thrilled
and went on verifying turning it round and round. There
was a photo of Hariharanandaji when He was young. Next
morning Sai was back in the pendent.
Swami Hariharananda is considered to be the greatest
living Master-Saint of the scientific technique of Kriya
Yoga, and occupies a high rank among the Indian yogis of
this century, yet He is truly humble and constantly
showers deep compassion on all humanity. An untold
number of His disciples testify to His infinite purity,
extreme divinity and spiritual power. His selfless work
continues even now when He is 94 and is lying in bed.
His mind is perfectly alert and He controls all the Ashram
activities while also keeping in touch with all His devoted
disciples.
I had brought some flowers to Gurudev when I had
arrived, but one morning I saw a case of bright red
strawberries and it gave me infinite joy to be able to offer it
to Him. When I went into His room with the strawberries,
He really surprised me by saying: “I like you better than
strawberries, come near Me, you do not know how much I
like you.” I blushed, confused and He repeated: “I really
like you, you are so beautiful.” He placed a soothing hand
on my heart with great tenderness and I instantly felt all
tensions disappear, I believe He was healing some
emotional wounds I myself had wanted to hide from myself,
but at the same time He was teaching me to see, as He did,
only that beautiful radiant essence of who we really are.
He was only seeing Himself in me.
I then saw how misleading it was to identify with what
the mind and others think we are, as it is not our true
Reality. In His loving Presence I experienced the
connectedness to my true nature and walked out of that
small room suffused in pale pink, transformed, fully
conscious of the real beauty in me and of His loving
healing.
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The daily routine at the Institute was very intense. All
were contributing with some work and one really felt good
to be working in the kitchen or in the garden. I have never
seen such huge plants of cauliflowers as the ones I have
seen there and the mango branches were all bent under
the weight of huge fruits that had received personal
attention from Gurudev. One day a tiny skinny baby bird
was found discarded from the nest. Someone picked it up
and left it in Gurudev’s room for the night. Next morning
it had doubled its weight, was now fully covered by soft
feathers, and was then saved. Was this what happened to
all of us in His room?
We all had our meals together with the monks and we
shared Gurudev’s prasad at every meal. All the Swamis
really looked so lively and happy to be near their beloved
Gurudev. Prajnananandaji sometimes had shoes and
sometimes did not, and by this I mean He was not always
as free and spontaneous as He is when He is in India. In
some moments the “armour” could still be felt. Just
watching Him was the greatest lesson. Words were not
required. I remember a small instance: we were washing
up right in front of Prajnananandaji’s room and, forgetting
we could disturb Him, some of us were talking loudly. He
quietly came out and with a smile and in a very soft tone
said: “The sweet chirp of your voices is rather loud.” This
was like a blow for all of us, but it was said in such an
enchanting delicate way that you could not believe it could
have the same effect of a whip and, I believe, we all felt
very embarrassed as I saw the culprits take all the plates
already dried and wash them again with eyes cast down.
The silent teaching of neither feeling nor showing anger
when one is to reprimand, was perfectly conveyed through
example and the result was outstanding.
One morning I happened to hear a disciple ask
Prajnananandaji if He liked to travel and whether He was
happier in India or in the West. He answered: “Ask Sandra
ma, she has seen me here, in Europe and in India.” I
realized I really couldn’t hide anything from Him, not even
sensations, so I honestly expressed my feelings: “In India.”
And He said it was correct.
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When I shared with Him that I was concerned not to be
able to proceed to the goal of life as due to the hip I couldn’t
practice the mudras, He really made me laugh because He
simply asked: “Why? Do you breathe with your hip?” With
a sense of humour, He helped me see things less dramatic
than what they had appeared. Soon after these words, I
adjusted my postures to the aches and pains even ending
up by sitting on a chair or lying down or even standing,
now, with no worry, I do my best with love, leaving the
results to the Lord and Gurus as a united team. It is none
of my concern.
Every evening Prajnananandaji gave a talk on the Srimad
Bhagavatam, which is the Scripture I love the most. The
only regret was it lasted only one hour, while I would have
liked to sit and listen for hours on end. The guided
meditations seemed to pull all the strings up to the crown
chakra and left me spontaneously centered all day. A few
hours before I was going to leave I asked Prajnananandaji
for three minutes of His time, but He said that three minutes
was too much as they corresponded to 180 seconds, so not
to waste His time, when I was allowed in the room where
He was working on a book, I tried to be very brief in asking
the question I had at heart: “What is the difference between
Sai and Gurudev?” He looked aloof for a few seconds, but
seeing my honest need to verify with Him if what I felt was
correct, He quietly answered: “For me there is none. If there
is a difference, it is that Sai Baba is a Universal Teacher
and Gurudev is an Individual Teacher.” I allowed His words
to seep in, then asked: “Is it because the knower of
Brahman is Brahman Himself?” and He said: “Yes.” I
thanked Him, and left His room as one minute was already
over.
Judy was going to take me to the airport, but as she was
not ready, I was sitting in the Ashram guesthouse
exchanging a few words with one of Gurudev’s devotees
and, when I told him I was flying straight to Sai Baba’s
Ashram, he looked puzzled and asked me: “You may not
answer, but how can you deal with two Gurus?” I smiled,
but not wanting to say anything, I puzzled him even more:
“ They are not only two, but three. But in reality, one.” I
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could clearly see his amazement at my mathematics, he

C H A P T E R 14
could not understand if I were joking; and so I swiftly left.
I was so full of love, at peace with my intuitions and the
knowing I could trust my atmic-tears-thermometer.
As soon as I arrived in Bangalore I went for only one
darshan in Whitefield. I had a letter where I was thanking
Kriya Yoga in Puttaparthi
Sai for the great boon of meeting Hariharanandaji and
Prajnananandaji. When the music started and I saw the
beloved slim figure in orange I lit up in joy and, as Sai is
Love He responds immediately to love and joy. He came in
front of me right away, gently held the letter in His hand
for a few seconds, then exclaimed: “So happy to see you!
When did you come back, maaaa?” I remained quiet, as “What is real freedom? While practicing meditation one lifts up the
he knew the answers. My mind was empty. Happy for the extrovert and outgoing energy and is concentrating in the Cave of
effect His voice had had on my mind, He just walked on. Meditation. Then one goes to the top of the cave of the cranium in
Then I realized Swami, for the first time, had called me fontanel. All the cells of the brain are energized. The prana, life energy,
ma, which is how the Kriya Yoga monks call ladies adding rejuvenates and reinvigorates the brain and its activities. Thus, the human
this ma to our first names. Sai had confirmed again His brain becomes calm, quiet, peaceful, full of love and purity. This
omniscience and wanted me to be sure He was also very is freedom.”
happy. It was so beautiful to bounce here and there from
Love to Love in Love.

When I had asked Prajnananandaji about the possibility

of a center in Puttaparthi, in my mind, it was more a center
of information than action, but it eventually amazingly
turned out as intense action.
Swami Brahmanandaji, notwithstanding his busy
schedule, kindly had accepted to come for a week in
September. Puttaparthi has a certain number of residents,
but the majority are visitors who just come and go, so it
was impossible to try and organize ahead of time. Till the
very end, I did not know if there would be any people who
could participate. I decided to relax waiting to see what
the Lord would organize. I even spoke on the phone with
Swamiji and told Him I was not sure if there would be
anyone at all, also due to the terror stricken moment after
the 11th of September disaster in New York, which had
stopped many from flying and Puttaparthi was almost
empty. He gently told me not to worry because if there

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would be nobody “to enjoy” he would be quite happy to
use such days for his own seclusion.
Two weeks before Swami Brahmananda was about to
come, I told two friends of the possibility to be initiated
into Kriya Yoga and soon after there were many people
coming for information on Kriya. The day Swamiji arrived
at Dharmavaram Railway Station, three of us went to meet
him and, by the time of arrival he had given me, we were
on time, but there he was waiting for us as the train had
come in half an hour earlier. Driving back home I had to
carefully avoid pigs, cows, dogs, bullock carts, tractors and
children on the road, Swamiji seemed to be rather
concerned about my driving and kept directing me on how
to drive while holding on safely to the seat.
I had prepared a chair and all the ingredients to honour,
in the Indian tradition, his arrival in my house, but also
asked him to suggest what I was to do, as Love was all I
knew. It was so lovely to have Swami Brahmananda at
home with us, such a peaceful loving presence! Next
morning he went for darshan and, when he came back, I
informed him there would be 20 people coming to meet
him…but at ten o’clock well over 60 devotees arrived full
of enthusiasm. A never-ending beeline of westerners all
in white kept on arriving. The veranda of my house could
hardly contain them all and their enthusiasm and keen
interest was so moving. When Swamiji gave his talk on
Kriya Yoga he started saying: “I wonder if I am in India! So
many westerners here!” I looked around and it really was
amazing. There were people from Mexico, Argentina,
Poland, Russia, Spain, France, Italy and even one from
Egypt! We had to split them in two groups for two days
initiation ceremonies. Meantime I came to know that these
60 people were practically all sitting at darshan with letters
asking Sai’s permission. One of them even handed out to
Him the program and Swami blessed it. Five of them
received a “no” as an answer, but all the rest knew or felt
Swami had approved. Prajnanananda had given me exactly
55 folders to help in giving the information on Kriya Yoga
and they were all handed out.
78
Kriya Yoga in Puttaparthi
One of the instances that honestly made me giggle in
wonder was when one morning a friend came near me
during Omkar and asked: “Tell me, what is Kriya Yoga?” I
tried to postpone the explanation but she said it was urgent
as that very night she had had a Sai Baba dream. In this
dream Baba had told her that she couldn’t proceed unless
she practiced Kriya Yoga. Baba, (in the dream), then had
turned into a monk with long dark hair and dark beard.
As Sai Baba devotees normally dream of Him a lot, those
nights all the Masters were at work. The following
mornings I would listen to the most incredible stories of
their dreams. There even was an American who had already
been initiated by some acharya of the Self Realization
Fellowship, but in the enthusiasm of the moment, he had
asked Brahmanandaji to initiate him again. Swamiji tried
to dissuade him saying there was no need, but the
American insisted so much that eventually our loving
Brahmanandaji gave in and said he would. But next day,
when I looked for him, somebody told me he was not there
as Yoganandaji had gone in his dream that very night and
had told him. “You stupid, what is this story to be initiated
again?”
Practically I did nothing and Sai and the Kriya Yoga
Masters did everything.
On the very day Swamiji had arrived I had received some
very bad news from home that gave me great pain. Swamiji’s
peace, his quiet wisdom and his warm love helped me a
great deal to remain balanced and calm waiting for the
news to come by e-mail and the phone calls that in the
first six days were only giving great concern, and sadness,
but I managed to handle the entire blow with equanimity.
But, as at night I always talk to Sai before falling asleep,
those days I must have annoyed Him so much with my
worries that eventually He came in a dream and told me:
“Why do you keep on complaining, I have given you a
cushion to absorb the blow!” Well we were all laughing
when I told Swamiji that Sai had compared him to a
cushion!! But, how true it was, he is so soft and loving,
and how perfect the timings of the Lord! When Swamiji
left, the problem dissolved into thin air.
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All the mothers would enthusiastically take turns to
cook something special for Brahmanandaji, even Italian
gnocchi and penne, but Pat would have almost the
majority of the responsibility as she knew how to prepare
Indian food better than anyone else, while I was the
specialist in simple boiled vegetable, sprouts, salads and
fruit salads. One evening he noticed how one of us was
preparing chapattis, so he naturally walked into the kitchen
to teach us how to make perfect round balls and then he
cooked the chapattis himself. The atmosphere was
extremely relaxed, always joyful and so spontaneous. We
all enjoyed the blessing to eat with him as if we were all
one family and he would make us feel at ease with his
stories and gentle loving concern. I loved the stories of
Prajnananandaji and Brahmanandaji both still as
brahmacharis trying to have Sai Baba’s darshan during one
of the crowded Birthdays and how eventually they had to
wake up at two in the mornings to have a possibility to
enter in the Mandir, plus all their difficulty in finding food
without garlic, onions and chilies and therefore their
consequential forced fasting. I could picture them under
the meditation tree with their backs perfectly aligned,
looking like bows ready to stroke arrows to the Lord.
When some devotees expressed their wish to know more
about the origins of Kriya Yoga, Swami Brahmanandaji
kindly explained, “You see, in reality, the origins date
back to the dawn of consciousness. The ancient history of
Kriya Yoga is mesmerizing. Its mystifying origins are an
intermingling of mythology, history and science. Even the
Bhagavad Gita affirms that God first revealed this yoga to
Vivashvat, the sun-god, he passed the knowledge on to
his son Manu, Manu then transmitted it to his son
Ikshvaku, founder of the first dynasty of kings in India.
Thus this technique was orally transmitted from father to
son, which metaphorically means from guru to disciple.
In Indian mythology, even Rama and Krishna practiced
and taught this technique. In the Bhagavad Gita you can
find the explanation on how this technique was
transmitted through a long line of Rishis, yet through the
ages, it has disappeared and reappeared several times.
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Kriya Yoga in Puttaparthi
Krishna Himself taught it to Arjuna, reintroducing the
ancient yoga, which is now known as Kriya Yoga. Saints
and sages of India have long practiced and spread the
science of yoga. In modern times, the timeless Mahavatar
Babaji Maharaj revived these teachings in 1861, and
named the technique “Kriya Yoga”. In 1861, in a mountain
cave near Ranikhet, in the Himalayas, Babaji passed all
the sacred instructions to Lahiri Mahasaya, who then
spread the sacred science as his mission. One of his
disciples was Swami Shriyukteshwarji who had an ashram
also in Puri, Karar ashram, and here he initiated
Yogananda and Hariharananda our own Gurudev, who
were both instructed by Babaji Himself and their Master
to spread it in the West.”
One evening, after the meditation class, some of us were
curious to know more about the mystifying meeting
between Babaji and Lahiri Baba, so Swamiji asked us to
sit around him and he told us the mesmerizing story: “To
bring down to earth his dream of saving humanity from
the claws of ignorance, in 1828 Babaji sent one of his
advanced disciples back to the world. This baby was named
Shyama Charan, (later renown as Lahiri Mahasaya). One
morning, Babaji appeared in his awe inspiring luminous
form at the door of the temple and said, “Mother, I am a
Sannyasi, you have nothing to fear. Your child is not an
ordinary child. I have ordained him to show a very simple
path of self-realization both to householders and
sannyasins.. He will show the way and lead many to the
path of self-realization. I will be like a shadow following
his form, protecting and guiding him. Through this child
my dream and my resolve will ultimately concretize and
become a reality.” Uttering these prophetic words, Babaji
vanished.
Babaji had planned that Lahiri Baba, in 1861, would be
transferred to work to Ranikhet in the Himalayas. One day,
while Lahiri Baba was walking along a solitary mountain
path, Babaji appeared out of thin air in front of him and,
amazingly addressing him by his name, said, “Shyama
Charan! Why are you afraid? I knew you would come this
way. I have been waiting for you for years and years.
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Tonight, after your office work is over, come and meet me
again in this same place.” Lahiri Baba was bewildered and
uncertain, but as Babaji’s enchanting and divine glance
had already pierced his heart, as soon as he finished his
work, he rushed back to the mysterious appointment. Lahiri
Baba quickened his steps over the steep and dangerous
ridges of the mountains when, out of the blue, he again
heard Babaji’s voice saying, “Come here, Shyama Charan!”
As soon as Lahiri Baba stood in front of Babaji, his mind
and heart became numb. The Sad Guru and the disciple
were reunited after many, many years. After seconds of
silent bliss, Babaji took Lahiri Baba into a cave and asked
him if he recognized the place, or the tiger skin and the
water bowl that were in the cave. As Lahiri Baba remained
silent, Babaji touched him on the head saying, “In your
past life you practiced meditation in this cave. After your
death I have preserved the tiger skin and the water bowl. I
have been waiting for 34 years.” At the Master’s touch, a
divine electromagnetic current flowed throughout Lahiri
Baba’s body and the world disappeared from his mind.
Slowly his past life as an ascetic surfaced in his mind and
he could recognize the eternal and sacred relationship
that had always bound him to Babaji Maharaj. At this point
Babaji told Lahiri Baba that, before he could initiate him
into Kriya Yoga, he should take a dip in the nearby river
in order to purify his body and mind. At the same time
Babaji materialized some oil and asked him to drink it.
While he was swimming in the river he was in divine
ecstasy at the blessing of the reunion with Babaji. That
night, at around midnight, one of Babaji’s disciples came
to call him and brought him to a magnificent palace
effulgent with light. The disciple explained that in a past
life he had desired to enjoy the luxury of a golden palace
and on this occasion the Mahayogi Babaji had created that
palace to burn his last desire. This is one of the most
renowned yogic leelas of Babaji. Lahiri Baba walked
through the luxurious palace totally mesmerized admiring
the jewel studded corridors and the lavishly decorated
halls. Finally he reached the main hall where Babaji was
sitting on a throne adorned with diamonds in his usual
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lotus posture. When Lahiri Baba bowed at His feet, Babaji
said, “All your earthly desires are now extinguished. I will
initiate you into the secret science of Kriya Yoga.” By
Babaji’s touch Lahiri Baba was anchored in the Ultimate
Awareness.
The palace disappeared back into the thought essence
that had created it, proving once again Babaji’s unlimited
spiritual power. Lahiri Baba entered the deepest stratum
of God realization, the state of nirvikalpa samadhi. For seven
days he was established in constant God-consciousness;
there was complete reunion of the individual soul with
the Oversoul.”
Swamiji asked if we wanted to hear some other stories
about Babaji and obviously we all assented.
“ I was told that an American devotee had already spent
five years searching all over the Himalayas for Babaji, as
he wished to be his disciple, but when he finally came
into Babaji’s presence, Babaji tested him. The foreigner
had to implore him many times to accept him as his
disciple, but Babaji remained silent ignoring him.
Distraught, the American menaced that he would die for
Babaji if he would refuse to be his guru. Babaji remained
aloof. In agony the American jumped from the cliff crushing
his body on the rocks below. After some time Babaji asked
his disciples to bring back the dead body and when it was
laid at his feet, Babaji touched it and life came back into
the devotee that had proved his perseverance and earnest
desire. The American could enjoy the supreme experience
of being Babaji’s disciple in his ashram, which is protected
by an energy field from intruders, somewhere beyond
Badrinath. Babaji also appeared to Shriyukteshwar, to
Paramahamsa Yogananda and Hariharananda Baba, and
surely to many other of his disciples.”
As in the garden there are hundreds of chipmunks
racing up and down all the coconut trees, Brahmanandaji
asked if we knew that only Indian chipmunks had the three
stripes on their back and why. He told us that even the
chipmunks, together with the monkeys, had been helping
Rama to build the bridge across to Sri Lanka where He
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had to go to rescue Sita. At the end Rama, out of gratitude,

caressed them on their back with three of His fingers and,
from that day onwards, Indian chipmunks had those three
stripes on their back while all the other chipmunks around
the world didn’t. Even now, when I look at the chipmunks
swiftly jumping from one tree to the other or chasing each
other with great cries of excitement, I smile at this beautiful
story realizing that everything in this country is suffused
with Divine leelas.
After nine days that saw so many Sai Baba devotees
practice Kriya right after darshan and bhajans, we saw
Swamiji pack his pink bag and with gratitude and love,
seven of us accompanied him to the railway station as he
was moving on to further initiation programs, up north.
We saw him stand at the train door waving gently at us
till the train disappeared. All of us knew the Lord of Parthi
had offered us a great boon allowing this Kriya Yoga
initiation program, here at His Lotus feet. On the way back
from the railway station all the mothers were singing
bhajans to soften up that sense of emptiness the departure
Part III
of Swami Brahmananda had left in our hearts.
Once back at home, I walked around the garden in
silence. After all the loving breeze of those nine days, I
was settling back into my peaceful stillness, letting go of
all the organizational small duties. I welcomed my
solitude again, breathing in the sweetness and the love of
all the blessings received in these years. Love was all there
was. The memory of one of Prajnananandaji’s teaching
slowly crept in, and my heart expanded in loving wonder:
“Teachers are like bottles of wine, drink the wine, but
then throw the bottle away.
AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS

C H A P T E R 15

This Was Not The End

“Play your part in the comedy, but don’t identify

yourself with your role!”

One morning, after exactly 9 years permanently

residing in Puttaparthi, I was walking along the road in
front of the schools to go and offer some bananas to Sai
Gita, Baba’s elephant, when a thunderbolt left me totally
numb. There was no one on the road when I saw Sai Baba’s
car stop right next to me. The window of the rear seat came
slowly down and Sai simply said with a serious twinkle in
His huge loving eyes: “Get ready. Your time in Puttaparthi
hospital is over. The mountains will teach you the rest.”
Then the car slowly left leaving me flabbergasted and in a
cloud of bewilderment. The bananas were rapidly stolen
by a shrewd monkey that had noticed my non-
centeredness, as I went on standing with my mouth open
staring into nothingness. I leaned against the compound
wall. The front part of my brain was full of light, and no
thought could creep in. When I came back to my senses I
heard Sai’s voice say: “Do you want to know a secret? Not

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even karma exists. It is all an interwoven and complicated
design of mine. I always was the One who blew your
thoughts and desires. I was the one who wrote the script of
the comedy and I am also playing it. You were never the
doer. Let go of this sense of individual doership that is
clouding your full apperception of the all-pervading Truth.
Now I’ll lead you to this new stage, you should not even
try to see where you are going. I am guiding and holding
the reins of your chariot. Leave fear, leave behind any
sense of sin and guilt, as you never were the doer.”
I could not believe it. Mountains teaching me the rest?
Where?
Hours went by and I saw myself roaming as a hermit,
all-alone, from one temple to Himalayan peaks in rags,
matted hair and dipping in the cold waters of the Ganga. I
took a shower and sat under my veranda peeping at the
tiny birds sucking the nectar from flower to flower after
having examined the best ones. It is true, we have many
teachers if we attentively observe nature. The tiny bird
had hinted to the correct answer I was searching for, yet I
did not know where I was to go. Would I have to meet more
teachers? I looked around at the beautiful garden I had
tenderly grown under adverse conditions, at the two dogs,
at all I had built in those years. The house was the roots I
had again set up to tie me down to Sai’s energy field and
now I was asked to move from my safe nest into unknown
regions. The strange thing was that for a few months a rope
bridge connecting two mountains kept appearing in front
of my mind’s eye and I would see Prajnananandaji
meditating on the opposite bank of Ganga. I discarded the
bubble vision and never gave it any importance.
I tried to see Sai’s words as having only a metaphorical
meaning. I had heard Sai explain, that the Himalayan
peaks were the higher and cooler regions of apperception
and knowledge represented by the regions above the crown
chakra. I kept telling myself that I would understand later
on and I should better stop worrying about it, as such
higher levels could happen to be reached even remaining
in Puttaparthi as Sai was there.
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Rather confused I also went to Shirdi to see if, by
chance, Shirdi Sai Baba, “the old man”, could subtly give
me the insight and clarity, but he must have been allied
with Parthi Sai and ‘one’ in the mysterious plan. The old
mosque was packed full with visitors and devotees, but
there was an intense silence broken only by some
enthusiastic, “Jay, jay, jay Sai Ram.” When I arrived in
front of Shirdi Sai Samadhi I looked transfixed at his marble
statue, I could feel the piercing look for a fraction of a
second, and felt so embarrassed, as it seemed to say, “What
is this story of leaving Parthi to come and see Me in the
old form? You, little duckling!” So, after only two days, I
packed, flew back and remained calm and quiet for
months relinquishing totally to try and understand what
was in store for me.
Months went by and I had almost forgotten about the
singular “car darshan” and the intriguing instructions that
my time in Puttaparthi was over. I had re-balanced
everything asserting and reassuring myself that there
could not be any other place on earth with the same
uplifting energy field. To be near Sai for me was the highest
boon and therefore I had discarded the instructions, which
meant leaving the form I loved most and all the “securities”
I had recreated after having left the roots of a family and
my own country. Total surrender had not yet fully
happened. This seemed to be a part of the learning process,
but I could see it.
After nine months, in April, I suddenly decided to avoid
the usual, unbearable heat wave that was burning the
South and bought a ticket to fly to Delhi, proceeded to
Rishikesh and then to the cooler regions of the Himalayas,
without even thinking of Sai’s words. It simply happened.
I left Rishikesh early morning on a jeep. The driver
assured me we would make it in three hours and started
climbing up at full speed. Indians are not exactly bad
drivers; in fact, I was quite impressed by the last minute
reaction to any front collision risk, as they drive possessing
the road and imposing themselves exactly in the middle
of the road ignoring any white line. As in reality Indian
taxi drivers are very good drivers, but incredibly reckless,
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I still wonder why India has not yet produced a world-
class rally driver. Overtaking on blind curves seems to be
the favorite sport, and overtaking someone who is currently
overtaking somebody else is excitingly normal. The rule
to drive on the left is more a rule to make sure that when
you’re in a head-on situation, both drivers are going to
swerve left to avoid each other. My driver was no exception.
Being endowed with great commonsense all the monkeys
were rushing to climb up safe trees, as soon as they heard
the car coming, and peeped to see if any food was thrown
out of the window. In this case only the females would
rush down with tiny baby monkeys firmly grasping their
mothers’ waists from under their tummies. The male
monkeys would usually wait in a safe spot and then, when
the car had disappeared and they felt it was safe, they
would chase the courageous and hungry females to grab
the food they had conquered. The road we were hurtling
along was about as busy as a western motorway would be,
but the traffic jam was usually due to hundreds of buffaloes
slowly and steadily moving up towards greener pastures.
The driver was constantly using his horn slaloming
through the buffaloes, but they nonchalantly ignored his
noise and never budged one inch.
When we reached Uttarkashi, I wasn’t looking at
something that I would have normally recognized as a
town. It actually was a lawless and crammed market place.
The streets were packed with mules carrying bricks and
cement, buses and jeeps were hooting frantically and
swerving to find their way between hordes of Nepalese
carrying all sorts of merchandises on their back. Piles of
rubbish right outside each vegetable shop attracted the
cows that would never dream of abandoning their position
and placidly blocked the flow of the traffic. Uttarkashi is
not only the last base for the sadhus before reaching
Gangotri, but also the last village for all tourists and
climbers where they could buy some provisions before
reaching the famous pilgrimage center.
This time I stopped at the Sivananda Ashram in
Ganeshpur, where Swami Premanandaji welcomed me
with great love and inspirational short teachings that went
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straight to the heart, as they were conveyed with the
greatest sense of humour. The Sivananda Kutir in
Ganeshpur is a warm nest of love and Swamiji just giggles
watching all what happens as God’s funniest play, he often
breaks into roaring laughter. Obviously his attitude
towards the world was so contagious, that all the inmates
were enjoying a very relaxed and peaceful retreat. He used
to say that in his ashram there were no rules and all he
wanted was that we enjoyed God on the banks of Ganga
Ma. The guesthouse of the ashram used to be Swami
Chidanandaji’s Hermitage and the atmosphere was
inspiring and very conducive to spontaneously shift into
contemplation and natural all day long concentration on
our Reality.
One morning I took a taxi to go and explore the views
along Ganga towards Harsil, but a few kilometers after
Ganeshpur, I happened to look out of the window, and
behind a bend, I saw a rope bridge. It was exactly like the
rope bridge I had seen for months in front of my mind’s
eye, while still in Puttaparthi. I asked the driver to
immediately stop the car and stepped out. The air was cool,
birds were chirping on a nearby tall fir tree and Ganga Ma
was flowing at great speed under the rope bridge. On the
opposite bank I noticed some terraced fields directly
overlooking Ganga with a splendid view of the mountains;
rhododendrons were dotting, in sparkling red colours, the
pine forest. Thousands of yellow flowers melted into the
violet-pink of the erica borders over the old-mossy stone
walls. The nearest village was nested higher up and the
wood huts with slate roofs were the perfect frame to a
dreamland. It was so beautiful! Being on the opposite bank
of Ganga, there was no traffic, no noise and no pollution.
The thought immediately came, “This is it. Ask if there is
any available land for sale.”
An old man appeared out of the blue and I asked if
there was any land for sale. The answer was yes. Then I
wondered what would be the sense in enjoying all this
beauty alone, so the very next day I e-mailed to
Prajnananandaji asking if he would like to have a place
near Uttarkashi as a Hermitage. I did not receive an
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immediate positive answer, but in a few days he accepted
and gave all the recommendations to what I had to pay
attention to: land slides, danger of falling rocks and to
inquire if the currents would corrode the land. The Swami
in charge of the Sivananda Kutir came to give the ok as
“super-safe” and kindly contacted the owners, overseeing
that all papers were in order and the sellers are the actual
owners, as there can always be quite a risk here in India.
In a few weeks all was registered and a design got ready
for the main building.
Whose dream was it? I soon received a letter from one
of the Kriya Yoga monks saying that through this
insignificant “me” God had fulfilled one of his and
Prajnananandaji’s cherished desires. This gave me joy. A
plan of God had concretized for the monks, but what sense
did it have for me? Prajnananandaji advised me to stay in
the Himalayas and meditate, so I added his advice to the
“car darshan instructions”, signed a pre-agreement of sale
for the Puttaparthi house and started moving towards the
higher regions full of love and enthusiasm.
For a few months I lived in one of the first wood huts we
had built to oversee the construction of the main building,
but as I had discovered that huge rats were jumping on
my tummy at night and to live there for long periods, I
realized that I may need more western comforts like an
attached bathroom, so I decided to start building another
cottage. Here we go again building like Mila Repa. In
August, I shifted to Uttarkashi to follow the construction
of the cottage facing all sorts of Himalayan difficulties, as
all materials had to be transported by mules from the other
side of Ganga and often from Rishikesh or Dehradun and
the quality of the labour was quite approximate and
therefore one always had to be on the alert. I had to carry
on the coordination without knowing one word of Hindi,
mimicking how they had to carry out the architect’s
designs as none of them could read them or how to fix a
bathtub or a faucet that they had never seen before. Having
verified the costs I even had to face the battle with local
mule owners who had doubled the costs of transport and
be always on the watch-out. I once tried to substitute the
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local mules with a team from another village at far more
reasonable rates, but then I had to witness a funny battle
on the famous rope bridge over Ganga, where all the wives
of the local mule owners had come rushing down from the
village with all sorts of arms to “mule-nap” the enemy-
mules, setting them free and scaring them so that they
would scatter in the nearby forest where they got lost under
the risk of being killed by ferocious animals if we did not
run at their rescue before nightfall, so we had to help and
roam for hours in the mountains to get them back to the
intrusive new mule owner. The mule owners apparently
belonged to Brahmin families, as the majority of the
inhabitants there, but maybe all good teachings had gone
lost due to great poverty and no proper instructions on
dharma, but yet went around feeling proud of their
orthodox thread and pony-tail, as the caste system still
has great importance with all its misunderstandings and
drawbacks. What obviously shocked me most was that
women were used and abused as labour and always felt
great pangs when I saw them overloaded with cow food for
which they had to climb up and down the mountains bent
down by the weight.
Skinny cows and goats would often pass near the
ashram and once I noticed that a huge fluffy sheep-dog,
very similar to a Chow-Chow inbred with a Labrador, was
wearing a twenty centimeters wide metal collar with nails
peeping out 3 inches from the metal base and I wondered
why it had to go around wrapped up in such uncomfortable
armour. The local villagers explained that there were tigers
and leopards roaming in search of food and they would
come down to this village from the thick forest in search of
goats, dogs and cows. In those days I was still sleeping in
the hut with the toilet outside, and each night I would
carefully repeat my mantra before exploring with my torch
if the path to the toilet was safe, then ran as fast as I could.
One late evening, in full light and at a few meters from
our Hermitage, we saw three huge cats with a dotted
yellow-brown coat jumping on a cow. Well, their pajamas
were not striped as tigers; still the poor cow was devoured
in a few hours time, a few meters from our ashram. I had
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faced cobras, but tigers and leopards seem to be a little
too much as a test on faith avoiding fear! But this was where
I happened to be as per God’s plan, so I had to accept it
and put up with it.
Once the new cottage was ready, I enjoyed a long period
of deep quietude, stillness and silence. I used to spend
hours just watching Ganga, take a dip in Her cold waters,
listen to the roar of Her water rushing down tumultuously.
These rhythms allowed me to naturally slip into periods
of concentration and the body started to vibrate so
forcefully that I could no longer ignore being mere
concentrated energy and not that container made up of
the elements that constitute body. It was an incredibly
elevating and beautiful period. I would work in the garden
for a few hours, often had elevating few minutes talks with
some of the monks and then retreat inside in great peace.
But when I really thought I had now nicely settled under
all point of views, believing the worst part of the path had
past, the mind went on strike. It could not bare the total
silence any longer. In the beginning, to cajole the mind
and keep it happy as I understood it needed some food
and could not fast for too long, I would go for two or three
days to Rishikesh where there were people to see, bhajans
and bells ringing in the festive and less austere
atmosphere. Then I would retreat back to the silence of
Hariharananda Tapovanam. Not at all easy.
At the Hermitage the telephone was not always
working, but we had been informed that Gurudev,
Paramahamsa Hariharananda (Baba), was not well and all
the Swamis had left for Miami. Prajnananandaji had
interrupted his program in London and had also reached
his beloved Gurudev. Two weeks went by and only on the
5th of December we came to know that Hariharananda
Baba had breathed his last and had shed his mortal frame
after one week in hospital surrounded by his monks and
the mothers of the Ashrams.
Hariharananda Baba was one of the greatest living
realized Masters in Kriya Yoga, a legend among the
spiritual seekers. He had attained nirvikalpa samadhi, the
state of no pulse and no breath, the state of cessation of all
activities in the body, mind, thought, intellect and ego,
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merged and absorbed in God. He had traveled throughout
the world leaving a trail of love. A great dispeller of
ignorance, a most loved Teacher, a compassionate father
for one and all. Just as the blazing sun cannot disappear,
his light and love will surely continue to illuminate all
his devoted disciples remaining forever in our midst and
in our hearts. Although, spiritually, Guru is always with
us, still at his Mahasamadhi all would miss his love, his
healing smile and his divine play.
In his last public discourse, till the very end, Gurudev
was stressing again and again: “Guru Purnima Day is a
special day. Love Guru. In every feeble breath, you can
search Him on the head to attain liberation, very short
feeble breath. God is inhaling from the beginning and
finishing everything. Watch it. Watch Him, every moment,
here in the fontanel - (and he would point his finger at the
top of his head.) Every moment you will hear sound on the
top. Every moment you will take a short feeble breath.
Search Him and feel the Supreme Lord is at the top of your
head, shouting. In every moment you are to watch. The
power of God is within you. The real ‘I’ is within you and
He is inhaling from the top. You will see also all the Masters,
Babaji, Lahiri Mahasaya, Bhupendranath Sanyal,
Paramahamsa Yogananda, Swami Satyananda, Swami
Hariharananda here. You will see the light and feel the
pulsation. Love God. God is inhaling and that is why you
are alive. Be realized. Follow me all the time. Do not worship
me, be like me.”
I remembered one of his favorite sayings, “ We are eating
the skin of the banana, but we are throwing the banana
away.” This saying of Gurudev will always remind me that
I should never forget that the best thing in life is God
realization and not to waste time busying myself with any
other interest or activity.
I arrived in Puri just in time to be present when the
Holy Body of Gurudev arrived at Bhuvaneshwar Airport and
was taken to Hariharananda Gurukulam, in Balighai. In
the small thatch roofed hut, the coffin was opened and
Gurudev’s body was lovingly laid on a pink bed full of rose
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petals to allow all the Indian devotees to have his last
darshan. After 13 days from his Mahasamadhi, there were
neither signs of decay nor decomposition. A fragrance of
divine love filled the tiny room where thousands came to
bow with tears rolling freely down their cheeks. I had never
seen so many saints and sadhus sincerely sharing the
grief of such a huge loss. The beeline to the small hut had
to be kept in order and silence, but it was impossible as
feelings were too powerful. When I finally found a moment
to walk in to bow at Gurudev’s feet and felt the stiffness, I
looked at Prajnananandaji. He was looking distraught,
desperate and on the verge of collapsing due to his deep
sorrow and the many sleepless nights. I realized in that
moment that he would now be Gurudev and all the weight
of responsibilities was falling on his shoulders.
On the 15th of December Gurudev’s sacred body was
carried by all his monks, who had completely shaved their
hair, to the place of Samadhi that had been prepared in
the middle of the forest. There was an unbelievable crowd
and the atmosphere was of astonishment for the loss and
deepest love. All paid their tributes at the Samadhi shrine.
After a few days I sat at Prajnananandaji’s feet for a short
conversation. I felt a different strength, a different power
emanating from him; I could not recognize the usual
softness and an unusual feeling of awe pervaded the hut.
He was sitting on a chair looking down at me and I knew
I had lost the intimacy I used to feel. I wished to say
something, but I could find no words. His look was no more
the same.
In January 2003, Prajnananandaji arrived to oversee
the progress of the ashram’s initial lay out. I was misled by
wrong information and went down to meet him halfway at
the Sivananda Kutir together with the monk in charge,
but we did not see his car pass by. When he arrived at the
ashram with a group of people no food was ready and the
place almost deserted. After a few hours of waiting I
returned and happily went to bow. I was startled to find
an iceberg scolding me with such force that I thought I
had gone back to childhood and when I heard the words,
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This Was Not The End
“Why were you not here? You are stupid. Go back to your
hut and stay there. I will call you if and when I want to
speak to you!” something broke inside with a thud of pain
and the mind started a revolution. I obviously obeyed
numb and silently retreated to my hut and started crying.
Nobody came to call me for dinner and I skipped it. I would
not dare go out without being called. The night fell and in
sheer breathless confusion, feeling cold both inside and
outside, I tried to find peace in a few hours of sleep, but it
was not possible. Some brahmachari had told me that by
scolding saints and gurus take away karma. Well I did
not believe any of this stuff and felt hurt.
The mind just went on thinking that I had just signed a
sale agreement for the Puttaparthi house and could not
go back. What to do? What was this trap Sai had prepared
for me? I heard a knock on the door and a voice saying Sai
Ram. I looked at the watch and noticed it was 3 am. I
opened the door and saw Prajnananandaji. He was wearing
a red woolen cap down to his eyebrows, red cheeks due to
the five degrees under zero. With a bewitching smile he
said, “My disease is that I never sleep and I had gone for a
walk when I saw your candlelight on. I know you are hurt
and you have been crying all night. Let me come in. I only
wanted to scold the monk, but you arrived first.” All my
pain poured out and I am afraid I said what I thought I
would never be able to say to him, “I do not like you any
longer. You made me cry and I feel all this is like a military
camp. You have changed after Gurudev’s Samadhi. I want
to go away from you.” Seeing my predicament and
exhaustion he started giggling, pushed the door open
ignoring my fury and sat laughing at me. I pointed at all
the photos of Sai, the 7 Kriya Masters, Hariharananda and
his (10 in total) and said, “Look where I have ended! So
many gurus! Too many! Now I am in confusion!” He
patiently listened, stroked my head and then, out of the
blue, he commanded, “Shut the mind.” This was all
he said.
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C H A P T E R 16
The Odyssey Continues
“Of the many earnest, and how earnest, people we may observe reading,
attending lectures, studying and practicing disciplines, devoting their
energies to the attainment of liberation which is by definition
unattainable. How many are not striving via the ego-concept which is
itself the only barrier between what they think they are and that which
they wish to become but always have been and always will be?”
Soon in the inner instrument-mind turmoil and
upheaval reflected, echoed and concretized in all aspects
of my life, both in practical worldly matters and in a never
ending and new spiritual crisis. Strange games went on
as far as the sale of the house, other problems cropped up,
totally out of my control that seemed worst than tsunami.
Initially I fell in the trap and I obviously got involved in
one of those peculiar “flip flop” that happen while you are
learning and not yet completely grounded in the
experience of the teaching. I had lost all grip on the mind,
which was like a wild rabbit running here and there and
the confusion became even worse. Thoughts were
uncontrollable and creating havoc especially if compared
to the utter silence of the Hermitage atmosphere. Yet there
was nothing I could do, and I had to undergo the violent
new aggression of the mind in total bewildered acceptance,
as nothing would help. Meditation sessions became a
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The Odyssey Continues
nightmare of thoughts and the mind, as soon as a thought
aroused, would categorize it as negative or positive. The
ego would react pestering my life stating with the newly
acquired “holy” attitude, “I want positive thoughts or no
thoughts.” This was the main trap, the involvement created
by my ego with its deep-rooted set of concepts. I tried hard
to simply witness the arising thoughts, knowing they
would not have a chance to survive if I would not offer the
mind a chance to categorize it as good or bad, thus
remaining in the peaceful, impartial and neutral state.
As I believed that the ultimate teaching was silence and
no concepts, on the contrary, my mind was like a
tumultuous flow of thoughts making an incredible clatter.
My thinking mind was creating reactions everywhere,
so all kinds of differences were propping up in
relationships or environments and there was no peace
anywhere. I started an intense program of keeping the
mind busy if not concentrated. I tried digging in the
garden or writing and translating all day knowing that if
I concentrated the working mind, which is the thinking
mind’s great enemy, I could annihilate its wanderings.
When I am engrossed in a job, my thinking mind has no
space to bring in other thoughts, and that state of mind for
me is as good as concentration or repeating a mantra. I
knew it was my thinking mind that was creating the
involvement, and the only solution was to use the working
mind as a tool to shut the noises of thoughts, simply by
concentrating the working mind in carrying out its tasks.
By keeping my mind totally focused and concentrated I
would have avoided conceptualizing, as it really was my
major enemy and my worst habit. I had always had the
tendency to compare and judge events from my limited
standpoint and conditioning, so I had to face it once and
for all. Yet the more I tried to keep the mind centered, all
was against my efforts and funny things happened so that
I would be forced not to concentrate. It was always raining
and I could not potter around in the garden plus due to
electricity problems, I had to change three computers as
they all got burnt, so I could not work on any book and
was left sitting and staring out into the void with a mind
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shouting HURRAY I HAVE WON THE BATTLE! No technique
would help. The mind was running wild. I took up studying
the Scriptures and the more I studied and knew that the
mind was inert, but appears to be alive because it is infused
with atmic consciousness, the more thoughts of anger
arose. A disaster.
I knew that if desires vanished, the mind would be
annihilated and that when we stand as witnesses of
desires, of each thought stemming on the surface of the
mind, without welcoming them or avoiding them, the
conceptualizing mind quietly settles down in silence. I
sat for weeks witnessing a never-ending flow of reactions,
preferences and all sorts of desires sprouting in the mind.
By witnessing and not getting involved in any new desire
sprouting in the mind, the flow of related thoughts and
desires should have ended, but the result was exactly the
opposite. The main cloud would be, “Why has Sai told me
that He is the one blowing each thought and desire? Then
He was not helping at all! Where does my responsibility
lie? Is there anything I can do to accelerate this progress
or not?” Obviously in this state of confusion also the body
started its revolution and a very painful arthritis and
spondilitis blocked it and I had enormous difficulty in
practicing the mudras that are part of the technique, and
I felt guilty. Sin and guilt are great enemies, but this was
the conditioning I had received both through the Catholic
upbringing and in many of the new teachings received in
India. So I started analyzing deeply Sai’s words. Who is
the doer? What is my action if it is all God? I am lived by
God? Am I a computer with inputs and outputs? The
answer seemed to be that as all was God, He was the
dreamer of this dream and I was merely dreamt. Difficult
to accept, but this is what transpired and I had to turn all
my attitude 180 degrees.
I had scribbled on my note pad what the wise say about
the various states of mind:
??Minds like ginned cotton, ready to receive the spark
of wisdom or jnana and to give up in one instant blaze the
weaknesses and prejudices of ages.
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The Odyssey Continues
??Minds like dry wood, which succeed but only after
some time.
??Minds like green logs, which resist the onslaught of
the fire of wisdom, jnana, with all their might.
I admitted and recognized that my mind was like a wet
green log. But the Sun god would dry the log exactly in
God’s timing and as per His will and not one minute before
or after. I could not force events.
Two years passed in turmoil, shifting all over India, from
Himalayas to Orissa and down South to Bangalore or
Puttaparthi, yet always feeling uprooted and out of place.
I often went back to Uttarkashi for periods of silence and
contemplation. Some times it was easy and some times
more difficult, but I insisted on my tentative sadhana and
started to give more and more space to personal
investigation rather than reading or looking outside.
During one of my periods at the Hariharananda Tapovanam
Ashram, one morning I went to the e-mail shop where I
met a strange Chinese with flowing white hair and beard
reaching his breast, who told me that he had just arrived
from Gangotri where he had the joy of attending the most
enlightening teachings imparted by an Avadhoota who
was spending the summer months up in a small ashram.
He also stressed that for him the small ashram had turned
into his personal Shangri-La as the teachings were a sum
of Tao and Vedanta.
I felt attracted to go and found no obstacles in
organizing it.
The drive up from Uttarkashi to Gangotri is a sheer visual
delight with sharp twists and turns. Sometimes the road
ascends high above the valleys while at other times it drops
right down to the Bhagirathi River. At Harsil the river
suddenly opens out cutting a broad path with white sandy
beaches on both sides. The valley is surrounded by
awesome snow-peaks and the deepest blue sky dotted with
few pale pink clouds playing hide and seek behind the
majestic snowy peeks. It is a pleasure to breathe in
total silence.
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Practically in Harsil the rocky Himalayas turn into a
miniature Switzerland with apple and cherry trees all in
blossom, neat wood cottages with red geraniums in full
flower and huge fir and pine trees swishing in an Om sound
as if they were echoing Ganga and highlighting the
spiritual experience of the great Himalayan range in all
its glory – beautiful rivers, gushing streams, hot springs,
waterfalls, enchanting forests, peaks which seem to touch
the sky, green meadows and treacherous glaciers, God’s
handiwork in all its glory. A legend prevails in the
mountain villages that on moonlit nights the restless ghost
of Raja Wilson regularly rides his half Arab-gray horse
across the rocky trails and the ancient Ganga weeps in
sympathy at Harsil as she listens to the retreating hoof
beats swing by a dilapidated bungalow which once was
his happy residence. Raja Wilson as he was referred to,
settled down with a local Garwali girl in a beautiful
mansion and mystery still shrouds the story and the
origins of this British gentleman who took refuge amongst
the Garwali Himalayas, at Harsil, after having left the
British army in disgrace. Further to introducing in this
part of the Himalayas all the apple and cherry trees, he
built the suspension bridge at the nearby Bhairon Ghati
Gorge over the Jadh Ganga. When it was completed the
locals were too petrified to venture over it, so Raja Wilson,
leaping on his Arab, galloped up and down the bridge
various times to show it was safe.
After crossing the Jadh Ganga River, the road winds to
a halt in Gangotri at the height of ten thousand feet. When
the colour of the rocks of Ganga looses its usual rusty
shades and becomes white, the flowing water is transparent
or pale green. About 19 kilometers further up in Gaumukh
is the source of the Bhagirathi River, which eventually
becomes Ganga and still further up the mountain the
famous steep track to Tapovan, which carries on towards
Badrinath. The gates of the temple dedicated to Ganga
close down on Diwali each year and open again in May.
During this time the idol of the goddess resides at Mukbha
village near Harsil. Gangotri, from May to October is a
world of its own. In Gangotri there were few visitors as it
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The Odyssey Continues
was still cold. It was early May and the pilgrims season
had just started, but some seekers along with the usual
renunciates, monks and sadhus seemed to have had an
important appointment up there. The fire colours of the
renunciates make the tiny hamlet look like a field full of
poppies. Indian tourists wander around for a few hours
and disappear again in the same day or proceed walking
to Gaumukh to worship the sacred source of the Ganges.
The night before I arrived, a snow slide had respectfully
and devotedly stopped a few meters from the Gangotri
Temple, which is one of the four Himalayan most famous
and sacred pilgrimage centers further to Kedarnath,
Badrinath and Yamunotri. Coming back from the main
temple, I stopped for a hot cup of tea and was delighted
that the roar of Ganga, flowing under the wooden chai shop,
forced the only two visitors to raise their voices, as I could
clearly overhear an interesting conversation between a
brahmachari and an old monk. The old monk was
explaining in the most remarkable English with a slight
French accent: “The term awareness gives the impression
that there are two separate states. They are not two, but
one state, as there are not two different kinds of
Consciousness. All is energy and there exists nothing else
except the very same energy. Everything just happens. You
cannot think or talk, cannot do anything. Consciousness
is doing it. Yet, at the same time it is Consciousness
confusing you making you think that you can “think
or do.”
They were sitting at a corner table and when our eyes
met, we smiled at each other and our hands gently went
to our hearts in a sign of respectful recognition of each
other’s Divinity. The brahmachari was a young boy of about
20 and was dressed in light yellow cotton. He sat straight
and listened with full attention, totally riveted by the
explanations, his eyes sparkling in bewilderment and
finally pulled his breast out and commented: “I am sure I
have discrimination and I will practice to attain Self
realization. My teacher told me to stay up here for six
months, as tapas, and God will reward my efforts granting
enlightenment.” The old monk adjusted his ochre woolen
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shawl around his shoulders and laughed aloud
commenting: “ Attain what? There is absolutely nothing
to attain and nothing you can do. Even Reality is a concept.
Show me Reality if you can! You are confused, my dear
boy, there really is no one to care whether enlightenment
is going to happen or not, not even the ego exists. Ponder
over this ultimate Truth all your life. In reality there is
nothing you can do and nothing to attain or reach as you
are already It. All is God and there is nothing but God. So
why bother about efforts? Even enlightenment is a
concept….and most of all it is a happening by God’s will.”
He laughed aloud adding: “Even God is a concept. You
projected something as God that does not exist. Ramana
Maharshi used to say – Nothing has happened; there has
been no creation. –So all we are left with is silence. No
mind as even the substance of the mind is God and any
thought is prompted by God. All events happen and actions
take place, but there is no individual doer, only destiny
as a result of the Cosmic Law, which is no other than GOD
or the Source. It really is quite useless to go on
conceptualizing. The only thing you can do is to carry on
a personal investigation on who is the doer and you will
surely arrive at the understanding that any action was a
happening due to something you had seen, heard or
smelled. Self-analysis is the way. In stillness and silence
all answers will be given to you from within, that is all
that has to be known and everything else is a concept.
What if mere bulbs thought they were giving light without
realizing that without the electrical current they would
not be able to do anything at all? In the sun you see your
shadow. It is real to the extent that you can see it, but it is
an illusion, as it has no independent existence. The body
is a primary illusion and the shadow is a secondary
illusion. All this is the total illusion of the great leela. The
“LEELA”, God’s play, is the smartest trap we are to
dismantle, as also the leela is an illusion “
The old monk got up and left the brahmachari brooding
over his words totally spaced out. Then he closed his eyes
and remained absorbed in nothingness. I sat silently as
the monk’s clarity had reached my heart. It was only six
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The Odyssey Continues
o’clock, but the shop was closing down, as there were no
customers and I saw the owner embarrassed on what to
do or not as the brahmachari seemed to be in a world apart.
At this point the monk suddenly reappeared and clapped
his hands making a great noise, the brahmachari opened
his eyes startled and the monk told him, “See you have
woken up! In this very moment you are in the present. I’ll
tell you a Zen koan: If a man puts a gosling into a bottle
and feeds it until it is full-grown, how can the man get the
goose out without killing it or breaking the bottle?” A koan
is insoluble, you can only dissolve it. In the same way,
you are to dissolve your mind full of concepts. A Master
has to find a trick to wake you up. Destroy ‘the ego’, hound
it, beat it, snub it. Tell the ego to get off and jump into
Ganga. Great fun, no doubt, but where is the ego? Must
you not find it first? Isn’t there a word about catching your
goose before you can cook it? The great difficulty here is
that there isn’t one.”
The young brahmachari was startled. He was looking
so lost that I almost felt like taking him in my arms to
cuddle him like a baby. It seemed as if his personality had
been totally dismantled. His confusion was ‘perfect order’
and I felt he would soon be happy for the earthquake the
senior monk had set him into, as it would eventually result
just “perfect divine timing.”
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C H A P T E R 17
The Avadhoota
Tao Masters used to instruct their disciples to kill the Buddha if they
happened to meet Him.
Reality alone exists - and that we are. All the rest is only a dream, a
dream of the One Mind, which is our mind without the ‘our’.
The only real service we can render to that which we perceive and interpret
in phenomenal existence as ‘others’ is by awakening to universal
consciousness ourselves.
I was a guest of the tiny ashram that the Chinese had
called his Shangri-La. I was quite surprised to notice that
also the old monk was staying in the same place as I did.
Next day we were in the garden just before lunch. He
recognized me as the silent listener of his long talk with
the brahmachari and with a few words informed me that
the Avadhoota was generally giving his talks at 5 pm every
evening. The ashram was small, but well maintained; a
cheerful pink colour on the walls had just substituted the
original grimy white whitewash. We sat in a narrow
rectangular room, which was used as dining, living and
prayer hall. The Swami in charge was both sweet and
loving and, although he was in silence, we could manage
some understanding through glances and smiles or a few
words scribbled on a tiny blackboard. He was a ball of
peace. One could feel such peace near him, a softness deep
in the heart that is difficult to describe but with three
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The Avadhoota
words: simplicity, contentment and completeness. He was
embodying a life of humility and moderation, and at the
age of seventy-eighty years he modeled a pure way of living
– simply and honestly – with infinite patience,
renunciation and total contentment.
Ramanandaji, the young brahmachari dressed in
yellow that I had noticed in the chai shop, was also living
in the small ashram. He told me he had had great difficulty
in finding his actual guru, as in all the teachers he had
met, he had found some inconsistencies either in their
behaviour, honesty or integrity, but all the wise ones he
had met had certainly served as stepping-stones for his
spiritual progress, which he thought had landed in safe
hands with Sri Sri Ravi Shankara. Now, after his long talk
with the old Swami from Kerala, he thought that he had
found the perfect fitting concepts, and was sadly brooding
over abandoning the actual mentor and guide. He felt that
the talk with the old monk could not have been a
coincidence; Ramanandaji sincerely believed it was a
circumstance sent by God to set him in further
discrimination and deeper understanding. The following
morning I noticed the pain in the boy’s eyes when he was
talking again with the old Kerala Monk and hinting at the
unavoidable consequence of having to move away from
his previous teacher. The old monk reassured him, “There
exists no eternal bond or loyalty to a teacher, as all are
mere concepts of being separate.” Ramanandaji inquired
why he was suffering and what part of him was suffering.
The answer came in a whisper followed by a loud laughter,
“You ask me who is suffering? My boy, it is the infamous
ego!” Ramanandaji smiled and relaxed. His eyes were
glowing in relief and his pores were oozing out a
blissful energy.
Another inmate of the ashram was Atmanandaji, a
fatherly yet elusive figure appearing extremely grounded.
He was a commentator of Shankaracharya’s Advaita
Vedantic teachings, dedicating his entire time to scriptural
truths and to the possibility of practical application. His
brimming knowledge of Advaita Vedanta was a cool shower
and set any inquiry of the mind at rest. He once told
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Ramanandaji and me, “Wisdom is a transparency, an
unclouded vision. Wisdom is unclouded by thoughts.
Thoughts are like dust on the mirror of your mind. Dust
tends to continuously gather even on a bathroom mirror,
day and night. So you have to clean it very often. In the
same way one has to be even more alert about the inner
capacity of reflection. You are to die to the past and be
born anew, so you have to constantly cleanse the mind.
The function of a Master is to undo what the society has
done to you and help to trigger off all the in-grooved
tendencies or samskaras. Concepts and theories must be
erased. Become an ordinary person with no pretensions,
no concepts. In this way wisdom blooms and you’ll be able
to live in the moment.”
Ramanandaji told him that he was afraid to lose control
during meditation, so he kindly clarified, “Samadhi is not
a dysfunctional state in which one loses one’s faculties.
On the contrary, it is the settling into higher
consciousness, which attunes one to the surrounding
reality. Mental balance is a basic requirement for achieving
samadhi. Like a pendulum that has come to rest, the mind
ceases to oscillate between extremes. It is not a temporary
loss of consciousness nor a temporary heightening of
consciousness. Samadhi certainly does not denote an
altered state brought on by hysteria. We can recognize the
state of samadhi by the effect it has on the person and the
attitude one has towards himself and others. Samadhi
combines equanimity (sama) and intelligence (dhi). By
intelligence it is meant the recognition and fundamental
grasping of equality of every being. Not only will all feelings
of fear disappear, but even notions such as heat and cold,
grief and joy, good and bad, will become meaningless.
Samadhi is an often-misunderstood word and freely
misapplied. All kinds of emotional upsurges, attacks of
hysteria, nervous breakdown, neurotic fits are often
extolled and exalted as samadhi. The actual meaning of
samadhi is an unruffled and balanced intellect.”
Out of the blue the sound of many conches broke the
silence, welcoming the time for meeting with the saint
who was honoured as an Avadhoota. A peaceful and
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The Avadhoota
enormous figure with incredible blue eyes, pale white skin
and white hair walked in the small conference room
radiating his joy of peace. We were about twenty persons
present. The usual hassle around a renown enlightened
one did not break the overwhelming impact of a powerful
bomb of love and the joy of peace. I was allowed to bow
after queuing for a few minutes and when I stood up ready
to step back, his glance became piercing for a few fractions
of a moment, then I heard: “Oh, you are here! I will see
you and talk to you tomorrow.” I turned back to see to
whom He was talking and noticed everyone was giggling.
Obviously no normal introduction with names and “How
do you do?” Just a silent eye-to-eye communion. Then,
in a fluid motion another person bowed and I sat squatting
down trying to lean against a wall to avoid pain.
The saint looked around the room in silence for a while
and then said, “For to-night, only a few short comments
for you to pin down and brood over, as I have received the
news of a good friend of mine arriving from Trivandrum
and, if you please excuse me, I would like to spend a few
hours with him. But waiting till tomorrow, chewing a few
concepts, may help you place before me some more
interesting questions tomorrow.” He got up and wrote on
the blackboard the following sentences, then walked out
silently, but making sure that we were all copying the
teachings he had written on the blackboard.
• Are we not wasps who spend all day in a fruitless
attempt to traverse a window-pane, while the other half
of the window is wide open?
• How many of the disciplines, exercises, practices
recommended as helpful, or even necessary, for the
attainment of Satori are not in fact consequences of
that state erroneously suggested as means?
• There seem to be two kinds of seekers:
those who seek to make their ego something other than
it is, i.e. holy, happy, unselfish (as though you could
make a fish un-fish), and those who understand that
all such attempts are just gesticulation and play-
acting, that there is only one thing that can be done,
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which is to disidentify themselves with the ego, by
realizing its unreality, and by becoming aware of their
eternal identity with pure being.
• We ourselves are not an illusory part of Reality.
• Rather are we Reality Itself illusorily conceived.
• We do not possess an ‘ego’. We are possessed by the
idea of one.
The teaching seemed to have caught our questions
without the questions being asked. The answers were to
be ruminated and chewed. It was not a thunderbolt, nor
an earthquake. I felt he was reflecting our confusion and
gave the hints for a better satsang the following day. I walked
out in the chilly evening even forgetting to wear my shoes.
The mind was awestruck and silent. I wondered around
for a while thinking about my years in Puttaparthi and
how deeper each meeting was becoming with Sai making
me roam alone around India, building and dismantling,
setting me in crisis and then pushing me up to Gangotri
with a strange and unexpected meeting. I had to admit to
myself that I had never chosen or decided anything, all
arrived at the right moment. Yes, it was true - I had found
myself in certain situations, heard some inputs and
actions happened; joys or sorrows flowed naturally in my
daily life and I never was in control of anything. I had
learned to completely let go and leave God in charge with
no mental resistances, but how totally and
unquestionably had I accepted? Whenever the ego, plans
and doership peeped up again, as not totally uprooted, it
was a total disaster. I thought that I had made mistakes,
but I was realizing there could never happen a mistake
and all had to be the way it flowed into this play I was not
even reciting. I surely had to brush up and ponder over
and over again many aspects of the investigation but the
incidents and the teachings were growing in depth and
this brought great calm. All was signaling the need to
increase my attention to details, which kept on signaling
and stressing the importance of engaging in ever-deeper
inquiry and move into increasingly wider realms of Truth
and Reality.
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The Avadhoota
The clue was living in the present accepting all as God’s
play and meeting whatever was in store as karmic loops,
or wrong thoughts, with detachment and non-involvement.
The technique appeared to be only one, constant Self-
inquiry asking myself, “Who is giving me thoughts? Who
is the prompter of any action or plan? Was I ever the doer?”
The Hindus who had always believed in predestination
were surely more facilitated by the environmental
conditioning, but for a Westerner brought up as the doer,
it was more complicated dismantling and reconditioning
the mind. Whenever I got distracted from personal
investigation, the thinking mind would grasp the reins
again and the involvement made me suffer even more. The
teachings I had met on the way served as a preparation for
a deeper kind of letting go of my self-conceived project to
“achieve” enlightenment, as I was taught to watch God
eating, seeing and speaking, but now I felt the need and
the urge to go deeper and deeper. I had no expectations
and enjoyed being in such a stimulating company up in
Gangotri. Ganga was the epicenter of all our attention
during the day and I intuitively knew that this great saint’s
presence and his establishment in truth could further help
my Self-discovery. I knew that I was born alone, would
die alone and no one could make it for me, yet a clue, a
push or a spark of truth always reaches us at the right
moment and if properly chewed and pondered, such
meetings had always helped me to shift from stagnation
in-between two levels of understanding. Each step led
nearer and nearer to the re-discovery of the Truth that we
are. All steps were necessary and no mistake was ever done.
The next day at 5pm Atmanandaji was sent to look for
me. We walked up to a room where the Avadhoota was
sitting amidst the small group. I folded my hands in the
traditional namaste gesture, uncertain if I would have to
bow or not. A wink of the eye was the answer in total
silence. It was better to sit in silence, as I was late. I am
shy and remained at the back trying to squat on the cold
floor with legs like a frog, so that my hips would not hurt,
and I remained immobile watching something that
appeared as a glow around the saint’s body, an halo of peace
and sweetness.
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He joyfully asked whether we had any questions,
piercing each one of us with his unfathomable blue eyes.
The Kerala old monk intervened making all of us laugh:
“Now you will ask –To whom do doubts appear? Who is
asking the question? Am I right?” After this pre-
intervention no one ventured to ask anything, so I simply
said: “In the presence of my teacher I often have moments
when the mind becomes suffused with a purple colour and
becomes totally blank, but the “I” thought, or personal
identification, has never left me. Actually after every
experience of bliss, instead of silence, even more doubts
and questions increase or resurface. Your advice please.”
“All you have to do, Sandra, is to grab the ‘I am I’ thought
by the tail, be still and quiet and stabilize in this state
where there is no thought. In that stillness, the Self will
swallow up the ‘I’ thought.” We all giggled and he
proceeded, “The mind must die. The mind is a dust
collector, an accumulation of repetitive memories. The
mind means the past, which is dead and done with. The
mind means anxiety about the future, which is not here.
To look directly into Reality you have to put your mind to
rest as it distorts everything. There is no other way to
realize the Self.”
I asked which were the techniques he had personally
used and the answer was, “Stillness, quietness, inquiry
and surrender are the ingredients. The effortless thought
free state is the condition where the Self can swallow up
the “I” thought. Then the Self will be revealed. This can
only happen and out of God’s grace. None of your doing.
Your only effort is to surrender the idea of being the
individual doer. God is the only doer. All happens by His
will and the program for this life is stored in your genes
and DNA. Also the environment where you were born and
the conditioning received since birth, were never a chance,
yet they were never under your control. These are all inputs
given by God for His play to unfold. Actions happen as a
result of a thought and a biological reaction. As you are
not the doer, consequently also others are not the doers of
any action, therefore there are no others, but only God.
Once you accept, totally accept this truth, you
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unequivocally acquire a state of mind where it may happen
that the experience where there is no experiencer, pure
objectless being, may be given. During this experience
there is only suka shanti, the joy of peace, but once you
feel ananda, it means that the supreme state has been
covered again by the experiencer enjoying the experience.
“You have already gone through various stages of the
teaching. Yet equanimity of mind is only a stage and also
seeing everything as God is only a further stage, as it
entails an ‘I’ to see and, as long as that ‘I’ exists, also the
mind exists. In the Self there is only seeing.”
At this point Ramanandaji expressed his core question,
“How can I be sure if I do not experience my Reality?”
“The Self is always present: there is no question of
experiencing or realizing It. You cannot reach or attain It,
as you already are the Self. Plus, you as a ‘me’ (ego), do not
exist at all and you never were, never are and never will
be the doer of any action. All is God and therefore all that
happens cannot be but perfect and timely. Nothing exists
apart the Self. Everything in the Universe is in a state of
perfection. Every object is perfect as it is and all objects
are perfect in their interdependence. Even a blade of grass
has its own importance and uniqueness, which ultimately
is illusory: its phenomenal form is the Self’s unreal and
illusory aspect, while the true nature of the Self is
invisible.”
I grabbed the pause and inquired if I were to practice a
technique, and the answer came in a loud, sweet and
understanding tone, “Sandra Ma, in this period your ego-
mind always asks if a guru and the practice of a technique
are necessary components to proceed. For the search to
begin there is no need of a guru, but for the seeking to
progress – yes, there must be a teacher. The Self uses the
agent of a guru. Practically and in truth the real game is:
The Self is speaking to the Self and instructing Himself.
“What appears to be two is actually a single movement
in the sum-total of the Self. The guru, having shed his ego
does not see himself as separate, while the seeker does, as
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the ego is still present. The guru’s grace is also part of the The sense of relief and the clarity that followed made
phenomenon. Whether this happens or not is also part of my entire being suffused with peace and a few tears of joy
the seeming personal destiny, which is an encoding in secretly came rolling down my cheeks. Our second
totality. Whatever happens, whatever the consequences – meeting was over. I sat outside on a rock overlooking
it is destined and in accordance with God’s will, and an Ganga pinning down notes on the content of the teaching
intricate-interwoven plan usually called Cosmic Law. God just received using a candle light to see better, as there
and the Cosmic Law are one and the same. There are was no electricity. Ganga impassibly went on flowing and
various levels of understanding and they happen at the gushing out on the white rocks, the night was cold, but
appropriate moment. In your case practice only brought there was a special calmness reigning all around. I
pain and God found the way out bringing you here to heal recognized that: “I had been like a wasp and had spent all
your sense of guilt and doubts. You felt guilty as you were these years in a fruitless attempt to traverse a window-
not able to practice due to your spondilitis and arthritis, pane, while the other half of the window was always
but as you have the idea that only if you practice it may wide open.”
happen, then practice personal investigation on who is I had received all the correct teachings, but the full
the doer of all your actions during the day. Not even this import was dawning only now. Totally accepting there
practice can guarantee anything, and enlightenment may could exist a spontaneous living, or being lived by God
happen whether you practice it or not, as it may happen
was the answer to all my questions. No longer a thinker, a
only if it is God’s plan and will and in His perfect timing.
doer, an experiencer, or a mere mirror to the whole
“Now tell me, Sandra Ma, if you met God and He offered happening that is called life. Wholeness is true holiness.
you to ask for only one boon, what would you ask for?” Non-volitional living and silent identification with non-
“I sat silent. I could not find one thought in my mind, I being meant Self-realization, the awakening or sudden
was trying hard, but there was only emptiness, enlightenment.
nothingness and no request. Eventually I mumbled,
“Constant integrated awareness.” The Saint must have felt
a flash of compassion; he smiled and asked what would
change in my life if one day I would experience constant
integrated awareness. I sat numb and silent till he
continued.
“If I were you I would ask for a state of mind where
there would be nothing to ask anyone and nothing to even
ask God.
“You often wonder about the necessity of practicing,
as you understood merging is a happening, and I wish
you had clear that the effort to inquire should be there,
even if it is not the effort that brings about the experience,
nor it is a specific technique, but God’s grace when you
are ready for it. Before one becomes established in the
Self without any breaks, one has to contact and enjoy the
Self many times, and only then one may finally become
permanently established without any breaks.”

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C H A P T E R 18
Dayanandaji’s Story
Wherever there are others there is a self,
Wherever there are no others there can be no self,
Wherever there is no self there are no others,
Because in the absence of self I am all others.
While I was brooding over the essence of the Avadhoota’s
clarifications, the old Kerala monk with that enchanting
French accent joined me and sat silent for a while looking
up at the intense blue of the sky where stars were playing
hide and seek with the clouds. When I felt he was present
near me and may be eager to exchange a few words I could
not refrain from asking his name and his story.
“I was born in France from a Tamil family and came to
India in 1950 when I was still in my early teens and
Bhagavan Ramana Maharshi was still in the body. I lived
in Arunachala, in his presence, for a long period, and then
I went back to France, got married but soon divorced. In
the meantime Maharshi left his body. After some months,
one night I got drunk and returning home, I had a dramatic
car accident where I lost consciousness. I remember
traveling free from the body between clouds and ascending
at great speed when I met Maharshi in his subtle form. He
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Dayanandaji’s Story
told me it was not my time and that I had to return to earth
where I would meet the Master capable of transforming
my wavering mind. After this short admonition I found
myself in a hospital bed with neck and both legs in plaster.
Months went by where I was forced to lie quiet, as any
movement would increase the pain. So, in that forced
stillness, I could only watch life and its import. I learned
to watch my breath, feeling that the only reality was that ‘I
AM’, and when the ‘AM’ disappeared there remained only
the ‘I’.
Twenty-five years ago I came back to India and found
myself roaming from teacher to teacher, from ashram to
ashram, from lecture to lecture. Whatever path I was on,
shifting here and there, I always was convinced that it was
the very best. I had met great enlightened beings, but I
soon also realized how Truth, when embodied, often
appears paradoxical or contradictory. Difficult to live near
a realized one as totally incomprehensible. However, the
moment I realized, that what we are after is not outside
ourselves – however great the Teachers we happen to be
with, as long as our mind is curious about outside things,
we will never feel complete and satisfied. You have to wait
till the thirst for realization becomes so strong, that you
can shun everything and enter into yourself. But there
should not be any feeling of disgust, but the strength of
the inner magnet.
At a certain point I found myself in Puttaparthi. During
darshans I was in total bliss. Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba
became and still is my light and guide. I basked in His light
and wisdom for three years, with a few absences to retreat
in Arunachala and Rishikesh where I still enjoyed meeting
many other teachers. As a bee absorbs the pollen I saw Sai
push me here and there drinking in all I had to absorb and
once I was full, the teaching would become obsolete and I
would be forced by strange forces to move on to other flowers.
I really enjoyed investigating my true nature in the presence
of teachers and I was not ready to give up any opportunity
to deepen my understanding through communion with the
teachers I was meeting. After three years, Sai threw me out
of the ashram with a futile excuse.
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As I was shocked and desperate, but the same night,
Sai came in my dream to tell me: ‘Happiness happens when
pain fructifies. All that you want is inside you. In due time
the grace of my darshans will fructify due to longing and
yearning. You will feel intense desire and you will
intensify your practice limiting it to constant inward
personal investigation. If you stop fearing God it is more
than likely that you will start loving God. Generate enough
power within you and avoid going out. Nobody can give
you anything on a plate; so do not seek for any further
teacher. You will get nothing from outside; you will
discover your own Self within, by your own effort and
through pain and disillusion, which are clear signs of My
grace. It is a joke that you can give up volition by an act of
volition! Who is to let go? The ‘letting-go’ can only happen
as a result of the clear understanding of the difference
between what-we-are and what we-appear-to-be. The man
of wisdom is devoid of thought even when he is thinking;
he is devoid of sense organs even while he is using them;
he is devoid of intellect even though he is endowed with
it. He is devoid of ego, even though he posses it. This is my
special blessing. Why carry your luggage when you are
being transported by a vehicle? Listen, Maharshi never
went here and there, he lived in Arunachala and stayed
most of the time in his ashram mandir. He did not travel
around India seeking here and there trying to get
something from others. Follow his example. As long as you
do not see the futility of such a search, your search will
not come to an end. Now find any place where you can be
in stillness. Ramana Maharshi has written eleven verses
describing the misery of the seeker where he stresses that
there never was such ‘thing’ as an individual, and that
the whole ‘thing’ was impersonal. And yet he had the
compassion to see that, due to the intricate mind’s
mechanisms, the individual seeker can be extremely
miserable, therefore he underlined that from the individual
point of view, the only encouragement would be to know
that the mind has already turned inwards, therefore there
is no escape, your head is already in the tiger’s mouth. As
the Atman is pure and without a second, one cannot
experience the Atman, phenomenally, as an independent
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Dayanandaji’s Story
entity. Bangaru -piece of gold- now you go and do whatever
you like, but avoid big organizational work. Be happy and
remember that to be enlightened is to be able to accept
with equanimity anything in life, at any moment, as
God’s will.’”
Knowing a little about Sai’s ways, I giggled with pure
tenderness and loving oneness at his lovely story and
asked how he had found himself wearing ochre robes. So
he briefly added, “In Arunachala I was instructed in the
Vedas and received Sannyas. I am now called Swami
Dayanand, I have found a nook in Kerala near Cochin on
the way to Munnar where I retreat. It is a nice hilly area
with cardamom and rubber tree plantations, very green
with dots of red here and there as even the hibiscuses
flourish under God’s care. You may call it an ashram or a
hermitage, but for me it is simply my nest, my home on
earth. I only come to Gangotri in the hot month of May
and go back when monsoons start to remain in silence for
the rest of the year with the only exceptions of Navaratri
celebrations that I spend in Arunachala at Ramana’s
ashram and the 23 rd of November in Puttaparthi for
Bhagawan’s Birthday, as in that crowd He allows me to
still have His darshan, once a year, and I am content. I
have no disciples; in the ashram there are only five Indian
inmates. God takes care of all our needs, nothing is ever
missing. All is given at the right moment. Amazing, as it
may seem, try to experience God’s protection and surrender
will become easy. My journey, which had enlightenment
as the main target, was forced and guided totally by the
overpowering and only Reality, the energy we call God or
Consciousness. All dualities disappear when the time is
ripe. All the words and opposites I once held as separate,
like discipline, play or detachment and bondage are all
part of this wonderful leela and I choose none of them nor
reject none of them. They are part of the whole. This non-
selection gave me peace. This state of no-preference and
no forced choice between opposites, but acceptance of it
all finally has settled me in contentment. Contentment
has brought expansion in love.” His eyes were gleaming
and I looked away, as his story was also mine, but I still
did not want to recognize the pitfalls.”
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We both remained silent watching the eternal flow of

C H A P T E R 19
Ganga and I wondered at how Her powerful energy attracts
and unites funny gods, calling themselves seekers, from
a variety of paths, as if all part of Her own family, which Melting All Confusion in
She wants to reunite revealing the ultimate Truth. There
is always so much to learn and ponder. Aspects you never
The Fire of Knowledge
thought important become mountains blocking our way
till we solve them or at least recognize them and accept
them. Dayanandaji’s story obviously gave me some hints
on my own blockages and, laughing about our similar
idiosyncrasies, I felt free. His purity, simplicity and
wisdom were of great support and example. His struggle
and path quite unique, his way of laughing about it all “We have only to eliminate the ego-notion by succeeding in the
made me feel one with him and a subtle current of respect difficult task of understanding that it does not exist except as
and understanding became deeper and deeper as days a notion.”
went by.

The next day we all again sat around the Avadhoota

and this was the last satsang I attended:
“Quantum physics reveals and supports the ancient
beliefs put forth by Eastern Vedantic teachings that we live
in a world of illusion, there exists only energy, and the
statement that the physical world is one interacting whole,
as both particle and wave are made of the same substance.
Quantum physics explains that each cell of our body is
made of molecules, each molecule is made of atoms; in
turn electrons, neutrons and protons constitute atoms.
Quantum physics clearly emphasizes that there is no
objective physical reality at all, and what the educated
world was taught to perceive as real simply does not exist.
It further highlights that matter is nothing more than a
series of patterns out of focus, and subatomic particles are
not made of energy, but energy itself. We know we can
convert matter into energy and the reverse is also true;

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 AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS
energy can be converted into matter. Light can either be
considered a wave or a stream of particles. We know that
photons carry energy, and that the amount of energy
carried by a photon is proportional to the frequency of the
light; that is, the higher the wave frequency, the more
energy it carries. For example, X-rays and ultraviolet light
have high frequency and high energy, while radio waves
and infrared waves have low frequency and low energy.
According to the new scientific quantum thought, all
matter and we ourselves consist of forms of light or pure
energy. A renowned vibrational medicine physician has
interestingly described all matter as frozen light, which
having been slowed down, has become solid. Therefore, if
our bodies may symbolically be described as frozen light,
they also maintain the characteristics of light, a detail
underlying that bodies have a certain frequency, which
involves the understatement that matter is light or energy
of a higher density. Basing our understanding on modern
physics’ implications, we are to conclude that human
beings are made of light held in matter and their bodies
pure energy fields made up of segments of vibration. In
clear cut terms, the body seen through the tremendous
magnification of an electron-scanning microscope,
appears as nothing but emptiness, light or energy, and
certainly not a solid object, just a projection of God’s mind,
a rhythm of the universal beat. No solidity at all, just
dynamic individual patterns of concentrated energy
throbbing and vibrating at incredible speed.
Nobel Prize winner, David Bohm, has written an
extremely interesting treatise about what he calls the
implicate order of the holographic universe. This concept
suggests that the entire universe is an ever-changing
cosmic hologram, which is layered with information, each
single layer holds a higher order of information and that
each higher order is enfolded in an aspect of space and
time. The higher order may be translated into
Consciousness or God. Further, as all that exists is a
hologram, every segment also contains information about
the entire universe or rather that the universe is within
us. Quantum physics affirms that Consciousness, as pure
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Melting All Confusion in The Fire of Knowledge
energy, is indeed in all things, animate and inanimate,
light is both the medium and the message and that, at the
subatomic level, being all points in space essentially the
same, nothing is actually separate from anything else. All
is one unbroken wholeness and everything is
interconnected.
This holistic approach of Quantum physics mirrors the
Vedantic teaching that everything is energy dancing in
form, and that the dance is a continuous weaving of the
form and the formless. The highest Truth that we are one
with nature, born out of the same process, not separate
entities, is the theme of the most ancient Vedantic
Scriptures.
The Vedas have no describable origin and are timeless.
No one can establish the exact dates when the Vedas were
first heard or recited; hence they are considered as eternal.
The Vedas need no support, as they support themselves.
In fact it is said that the Vedas are God’s breath and the
Vedic teachings originated in God’s breath and that the
Rishis, the ancient sages, received this knowledge in the
silence of higher consciousness. The Rishis’ highly
attuned awareness enabled them to perceive these sounds
from the subtle ethers and they repeated them orally to
their disciples, as their learning involved only oral
communication, not written words. This knowledge was
not formulated by the Rishis, but was the result of direct
revelation and not the result of either study or reading.
The Vedas are the earliest evidence of the triumph of man
over himself, his breakthrough to the underlying unity in
all creation and his pulsating contact with unifying Truth.
The Vedas assert that God is the inner reality of all beings,
all is enveloped by God, all ‘this’ is God and the universe
is an organic and relational process, a multidimensional
network of jewels, each one containing the reflection of
all others with mutual interpenetration and
interdependence of everything. The Vedas affirm that the
universe is the paramount harmony of intricate patterns.
The central opinion of this organic view of the universe is
that the cosmos is inherent in each pattern and every point
may be regarded as the centre of a circle with
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circumference nowhere, while the limited vision of the
split mind of the illusory individual entity sees only each
pattern separate and by itself, section by section.
Imagine a painting - two or three miles long and a
hundred stories high. With the human limited sight,
however far back you may go, you will only be able to see
a certain portion of the painting and not the whole.
Similarly the human mind is incapable of knowing reality
except as an intuitive insight, not by reasoning. Actually
it is exactly when reasoning stops that this intuition may
happen. To fathom this transcendental ocean of Truth we
have to abandon the reasoning of the conceptual mind, as
it cannot comprehend the subconscious and conscious
dimensions of the Vedic verses. Only by rising into the
rarefied air of higher consciousness, can one hope to grasp
the actual truth embodied in the ancient Vedic verses.
The mystery of this world and of the worlds beyond is
elaborated in the texts, which are called Atharva Veda.
The mind is the screen hiding our own reality and the
secrets of creation. When you go out into the sun, you see
your shadow. The shadow is there; it is real to the extent
that you can see it, but it is an illusion in the sense that it
has no independent existence. Your body itself, which
seems so solid, is the primary illusion within the total
illusion of this manifestation. All is Consciousness, all is
pure energy, and there is nothing for the individual to
achieve or think unless Consciousness makes it possible,
yet Consciousness Itself is the very culprit, prompting an
individual mind to think and believe that it can think and
be the doer.
Manifestation is a spontaneous concurrent appearance
in Consciousness, within Consciousness, brought about
by Consciousness. Contrary to inanimate objects like a
stone or a rock, animate beings are endowed with
sentience. The sense of individuality and separateness
arises because of sentience, which gives a sense of being
present. In addition to this sentience, which is present
also in animals, human beings are endowed with an
intellect, which helps in interpreting what is cognized.
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Melting All Confusion in The Fire of Knowledge
Reality is a concept and also enlightenment is a
concept. Consciousness as Noumenon is potential energy
and when energy activates itself, it becomes Consciousness
in movement. Still it is nothing other than energy, either
in its potential form or in its activized form. Once the
understanding happens, there will be no need of any
further words. The only reality is silence. Accepting the
authenticity of impersonal functioning of the ‘Whole’, as
entirely God’s leela, is the highest mark of devotion. All is
God. There is nothing but God. The highest and infinite
ego is our reality and not separate or far: we are energy,
we are bliss, we are God or Consciousness, however you
wish to call It.
Whatever has appeared in manifestation cannot have
an existence of its own, therefore what has appeared is a
mere reflection of the basic ground; realizing this truth
and seeing this oneness is enlightenment.”
The talk was over, and no one had the courage to move,
so I calmly bowed and informed I was leaving. The saint
seemed to have withdrawn within himself, not caring at
all if any understanding had happened in the listeners.
He simply whispered, “JAGAT”
I packed and silently prepared to leave that nest of
wisdom suspended over all worldly clouds. Swami
Dayanand came to say goodbye, and invited me to join
him in Kerala whenever I felt like…as long as I did not
bring my mind along! On the way back to Uttarkashi I sat
at the back of an old rattling Ambassador, admiring the
enchanting views and feeling grateful to the life I had been
offered, and I felt it as the best prayer. God had never
answered my prayers when I asked for something worldly,
and when I asked for wisdom, He only gave me problems
to solve. When I asked for love, He only gave me people to
help. God had never answered exactly my prayers, and
gave me nothing I ever desired, but He gave me everything.
I could find no words to thank Sai for all the grace He was
pouring into my life. The odyssey of enlightenment was
not my problem any longer. It was God’s own problem and
doing. Why should I worry, who was there to worry?
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 AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS
I looked back at the snowy peaks of the Himalayas that
I was leaving behind and wondered if it had all happened
or it was a mere dream in the dream. These few days at the
extreme North of the Himalayas had set the beginning of a
new attitude to life and the apperception of the inner path
had received a great push, a totally new drive. The stages I
had gone through, devotion to the teachers with form, effort
and striving for the goal using spiritual practices and
studying the teachings, were the correct steps as willed
by God. Then the slow, but steady shift in the firm
recognition of my true nature through correct knowledge
and continued practice was only a God willed
consequence. From these stepping stones to only personal
inquiry and constant investigation were the foot prints I
was now suggested to follow by the great and unique inner
guru who had made me roam from one corner to the other
of sacred Bharat and THE TEACHING. I relaxed in the back
seat of the car and witnessed a few words coming out from
my heart, “Thanks God I am not the doer.” I felt so relieved
and tranquil that I must have shifted into a natural
meditation mood with my eyes open.
The sunset was bathing the Himalayan peaks in gold.
The breathtaking views were overlapping each other, when
I realized that I had seen a shadow-like figure between
the fir trees winking at me. I will never know if it was a
rock shaped as a human being, a vision or reality, anyhow,
as these were the places where Babaji often appeared, my
thoughts gratefully went to Him and all the enlightened
Masters clearing the understanding. I smiled, feeling
totally complete and contented. Thank You Sai.
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C H A P T E R 20
The Inner World Reflects
on the Outer One
What do you have to do?
Pack your bags,
go to the station without them,
catch the train,
and leave your self behind.
On the 7th of July 2005 the telephone rang and I was
informed that Ganga Ma had swollen so much that it had
gulped in the garden right in front of my Uttarkashi house.
Contemplating for 18 years and reasoning through the
teachings made me apperceive how perfect the script, the
actors and any circumstance, including the painful ones,
and how suka shanthi, the joy of peace, was to be found in
the total acceptance of God’s will and in total acceptance
and recognition of God as the sole doer of any action, both
while I was unaware and now that I paid attention to all
minimum details investigating constantly on all that
happened. Predestination and free will were the root cause
of the apparent conflict and the theme throughout the
entire period. They were the clouds obscuring Reality. The
teachings God gave me through His appointed agents
fueled an inquiry into one of the most crucial questions
one may have to face: was or is there a cause and effect
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 AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS

relationship between effort and enlightenment or is the

latter predestined and willed by the Absolute and therefore
no seeking and nothing to attain? Can we hasten speeding
up the journey through practicing hard, by serving the
Guru traveling around continents to receive the Guru’s
grace? Was the clinging to the Guru’s beloved form a mere
obstruction to progress? What pain these questions brought
into my life and how light and peaceful one feels once
each and every step of our life and evolution is apperceived
as willed by the Almighty Lord who graciously acted as
Gurus and this “me” faring along the safe path back to the
annihilation of the “me”, the ego as a doer. What peace.
All is so perfect and timely in God’s plan.

Part IV

The Final Harbour: Advaita

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C H A P T E R 21

The Happening of a Meeting

With Gratefulness to the Sadguru within and without.

To the sense of being alive and present, the “I AM.”

In the past seven years Ramesh S. Balsekar’s books kept

on arriving in my hands. The first one was Consciousness
Speaks, and my mind gulped it in. There was such a feeling
of awe that I read it again and again. I immediately found
another two books, Your Head in the Tiger’s Mouth, and
Confusion no More. All was so poignantly clear and precise.
His teachings so delightfully humorous that it made life
appear so clear and simple.
After two years of brooding over his books a thought
came that I would have liked to have the blessing of a
personal meeting, so I hoped Ramesh’s address would
appear from somewhere. In May 2004, while I was in the
Himalayas I read Who Cares? And a brainstorm happened.
Concepts from 18 years of search were being crushed.
From the pages of the book an almost-full clarity dawned,
leaving me totally spaced out for days. Bewilderment kept
my glaze glued to the flow of Mother Ganga for hours on

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end. It seemed as if some Higher Force had used Cosmic
scissors and was setting some order, cutting and sorting
all spiritual topics into new mind-folders and I could enjoy
an aerial view linking all relative sub-topics. It was a
condensed recapitulation, a totally new approach
happening at astonishing rapidity. There was a bubbling
joy and lightness for the yearned clarity. Soon after, I found
his Bombay address, without even having to look for it. It
happened in Gangotri, at one of the highest peeks of the
Himalayas, near the source of Mother Ganga, who is well
known to be a dispeller of ignorance.
One of the factors of the astonishment was that Ramesh’s
explanations were all linking up to a dream I had had
seven years prior where Sri Sathya Sai Baba gave me some
personal teachings on Truth. The ‘dream teachings’ were
contrasting with His normal “dos and don’ts” and His
usually expounded concepts on karma and reincarnation.
I had kept wondering if dreams were imagination, or
another dream in the dream. Now, after reading Ramesh
Balsekar’s new book, I could see where Sai Baba was
leading me in that private upadesa dream. The linking
and resonance of the teachings started to dispel all doubts
and the confusion was slowly dissolving. The energy of
the Himalayan Hermitages is so powerful: somehow it all
happens. We may think nothing is happening just by
sitting in silence looking at Mother Ganga flowing down
tumultuously, but how wrong we are. All we need is
silence, stillness, and openness to receive from the inner
Sadguru.
In June I started planning to go and meet Ramesh S.
Balsekar in Bombay next September, when monsoon would
be over, and Bombay far more agreeable, as far as humidity
and heat, but Consciousness’ plan was different and on
the 27th of June, out of the blue, I found myself at the airport
inquiring for a reduced fare to Bombay and immediately
found a flight at half price for the next day. As a robot,
without thoughts, I packed, found a Hotel near enough to
Kemps Corner, and flew for my first satsang with Ramesh.
While on the airplane, I asked myself if I had questions
and could not find any, but during the satsang all the
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imbedded confusion poured out spontaneously, as if I were
talking to the innermost ‘I’, my best friend, giggling and
crying out of joyous relief from the claws of confusion. I
believe it had to be washed out properly. When I bowed in
gratitude, tears flowing freely down my cheeks, I heard
Ramesh say, “What you received today, listening to my
concepts is a new conditioning, but if the past
conditioning is to be erased by this new conditioning, it
is only a happening willed by God or Cosmic Law.”
The realized Sage knows that most people, at odd
moments in their lives, may have had glimpses of Sukha
Shanthi, the joy of peace, or flashes of ‘absence of suffering’,
and although the experience is fluctuating, it works like
the carrot for the donkey, giving restlessness and pungent
dissatisfaction, as that peaceful state of mind, not being
constant, is mischievously eluding us by playing hide and
seek. Ramesh explains and asserts that Sukha Shanthi, is
a concrete possibility for everyone and encourages us by
sharing that the secret is simply ‘getting rid of the obstacles,
which prevent the constant joy of peace from being
established.’ Ramesh points out that the spiritual seeking
simply means discovering how to get rid of fear and
suffering in order to be able to enjoy the presence of peace
we have been seeking since we were born, and he stresses
that confusion will totally disappear, and “for ever”, only
when Consciousness awakens. When Consciousness is
awakened, the flip-flop between happiness and
unhappiness, which is merely a mental and emotional
suffering, ceases to bother us. Ramesh goes even deeper
stating that the goal of the quest is not imaginary or far
away from our daily living, and is in fact part of the seeker’s
daily ordinary life.
Whenever we happen to discover what it is that is being
sought - the constant joy of peace - we have to find out
what is obstructing the happening of that constant peace.
Ramesh explains that any personal investigation would
quickly reveal that the obstacle is a thought, and that the
arising of any thought is absolutely not in our control.
Thoughts come and thoughts disappear, and if we simply
witness them, we are not trapped in the ripples of their
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constant flow. On this particular subject I had read that a
famous physicist had explained that any thought
happening anywhere is the actualizing of a particular
probability among thousands of probabilities, and,
therefore, not in the control of the individual concerned.
Normally the kind of thoughts that shatter our attempts
and foundations to enjoy Suka Shanthi, are thoughts
concerning how to handle our own life, which are
immediately countered by some other thoughts suggesting
the solution for the (as a) problem created by the earlier
thoughts coming from memory, which may be labeled as
“conscience-ethics, scruples”. Thoughts sprout from
desires, needs, hopes, wanting, striving and trying to attain
what eludes us, in the firm belief that certain worldly
things or different situations and circumstances could give
us the lasting joy and peace we are frantically chasing
after. Ramesh stresses one has no control over this flow of
thoughts and the advice is the ‘witnessing of the happening
of thoughts without resisting them’, nor feeling guilty about
their flux, nor trying to suppress them. He gave me the
most soul stirring advice, “If you happen to meet God and
He offers you only one boon, the best answer would be,
God give me that state of mind where there is nothing to
ask from anyone, not even from You.”
The next question is HOW to have a state of mind where
there is nothing to expect from others and nothing to ask
God? Ramesh asserts that life is like a deep river, flowing
incessantly, whereas most of us, prefer the security and
stagnancy of the little pools beside the river, while change,
unceasing change, is the very basis of life and living. To
let life flow, in general terms, means that we should go
about our daily routine with a relaxed attitude, based on
the total basic understanding that nothing at all can
happen unless it is supposed to happen and in accordance
with one’s destiny or Cosmic Law. What happens in life is
that the challenge is always new, but our response is old
because it is formed on the past, which is memory.
Experiencing with memory is one state, but experiencing
without memory is altogether different. A new thought or
an inspiration can happen only when the mind is not
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caught in the net of memory. It is only when the mind is
still, tranquil, not seeking any solution, any answer,
neither resisting nor avoiding, that it is capable of
receiving the truth - that which is eternal, timeless,
immeasurable. You cannot go in search for it, it comes to
you; what liberates is the truth, not your effort to be free.
As what really totally shatters the experiences of
harmony is either the restlessness for some sense of guilt
or frustration for something one “did or did not do” or the
load of hatred and resentment for what others “did or did
not do” to us. We must investigate deeper and deeper on
this innate sense of doership. What does it mean? It means
that the ego in most people ‘thinks’ that it is the sole
responsible subject, acting and doing things as it chooses
which even gives the power and will to judge and condemn
oneself and others for whatever happens. These mental
and emotional attitudes, these negative patterns suddenly
emerge from the depth of the subconscious bringing
suffering and painful memories that block the harmony
that was about to unfold in Consciousness. Is it at all
possible to give up the sense of personal doership so that
one can be anchored in the experience of Suka Shanthi
while facing life from moment to moment? Ramesh’s
reassuring answer is, “Yes.”
There are examples of many who have been accepted
by the world as ‘Sages’, having finished the treasure hunt
and who live in total peace and harmony. How it unfolds
can be clearly seen in the way these Sages live their own
lives, from moment to moment, enjoying our same
pleasures and suffering the same kind of pains that we
are all subjected to, but the difference is that the life of a
Sage is anchored in peace and harmony. What have the
Sages changed? The Sage lives his life, carrying on his
daily tasks, and takes his responsibilities seriously and
nothing changes in his regular daily work in order to earn
a living like anyone else. Yet it can be clearly seen that
his face is usually without anxiety, his body usually
relaxed, and he enjoys his own acute sense of humour
that is so enchanting and attractive. When advice is
sought, the Sage counsels with an astonishing sense of
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humility and compassion. We see the Sage as someone
transparently open, without any cleverness at all and, yet,
we are fully aware that the Sage is obviously no one’s fool!
We are is so impressed by the personality of the Sage, by
his total simplicity and naturalness that we wish to be in
his company as frequently as possible to simply enjoy the
Suka Shanthi he radiates enveloping also all present
around him.
Ramesh uses the river as an apt metaphor for his concept
that no one is a doer but rather all actions are happenings
ordained by the One Source, who some refer to as God or
Consciousness. To perceive ourselves as the doers is like
the river thinking that it is pushing itself onwards to the
sea, or the sea thinking that the tides are its own doing –
totally oblivious of the fact that is the gravitational force of
the moon that is responsible for their ebb and flow. To let
life flow, in general terms, means that we should go about
our daily routine with a relaxed attitude, based on the
total basic understanding that nothing at all can happen
unless it is supposed to happen according to one’s destiny,
according to the Cosmic Law. Ramesh also gives us a clear
comparison: “Ever since a baby is born and seeks its
mother’s breast intuitively, life is nothing but seeking, yet
this seeking is done instinctively, automatically, without
the need of thoughts. The question arises – Who is the
seeker? Are we in control of our seeking? If seeking is a
natural process belonging to nature, could we then say
that maybe ‘We think that we are the seeker, but the truth
is that we are not the seekers’ - Therefore, if we are not the
seeker, who is? The answer could be that in reality there
is no seeker as such, but instead an impulsive, in-built
need to seek something that has been programmed within
us. Spiritual seeking begins with an individual ego —
seeker — seeking enlightenment or Self-realization, as
an object, which will give more pleasure than one can ever
imagine getting from the material world. That is where it
starts. The seeking by the ego for enlightenment cannot
end with intellectual understanding, but only with the
absolute understanding intuited in the heart that there
never was a seeker or a doer—there never was a seeker
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but the seeking happened. There is seeking, but no
individual seeker. There is doing, but no individual doer.
In a nutshell, this is the end of the seeker, and the end of
the seeking can be brought about only by that Power, which
started the seeking. In other words, by the grace of the
Source that started the treasure hunt. Krishna in the
Bhagavad Gita tells Arjuna, “Surrender to Me and I will
save you from all sins that you cannot help think you are
doing.” But the joke is even the surrendering is not in
your control. Why? Because so long as there is an
individual who says “I surrender,” there is a surrenderer-
there is an individual ego!”
What changes are sought? What are the main
discomforts in daily living even if one does not really
pursue a specific spiritual goal? Whenever I have met a
true realized Master for me it was always quite natural to
ask, “What did you do to be like what you are? What made
you as you are?” The answer was always almost the same
and it was given in utter and simple humility, “I did
nothing, it happened by God’s grace”. And I knew they all
really genuinely meant it as they all had the total
acceptance of the Source or God as the sole doer. This
acceptance was, also the root cause for their total simplicity
and trust. Realized Sages and Masters will not fail
reminding us with total confidence that we are to trust
that nothing happens due to our individual efforts, but to
Consciousness’ will, and according to Its Cosmic Law-
without any exception.
All use different approaches and different terms to
express this Truth and most probably it clicks immediately
or it doesn’t depending on the programming of our mind
structure, and the predetermined moment to see through
the clouds of ignorance or recurring ripples of confusion.
I had been hearing and reading about the very same basic
Truth for years, but it clicked only under Ramesh clear
and consequential exposition. This new understanding
brought an end to all the destructive concepts that the
‘responsibility issue’ had accumulated on the surface of
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the thinking mind, and after the wisdom-shower of the arguments and competition. When conflicts begin to occur
Sage, I started my own process of linking all the threads with increasing frequency and intensity, the end result
back to the original statement, “I was never the doer. Thy is often a hurting divorce, or a break in partnership. Then
will, not mine.” each partner may feel that the next relationship will be
better, yet the same pattern appears with other partners
Ramesh says, “Whenever there is something for me to
and the ideal relationship evaporates as utopia. When the
do in my daily living, I shall, of course, make a decision
illusion is realized, the interactions among human beings
on what to do and how to do it. Having made the decision,
usually end up in frustration. Is there anything to improve
the results are not in my hands and will depend entirely
this dramatically unhealthy situation? The core of the
on the Will of God. This enables me to live more
matter turns out to be that intimate human relationships
comfortably without any stress and strain for the result of
are basically not different from any relationship between
‘my action’. Whatever the result, again depends entirely
one ‘me’ and the ‘other’. The answer lies in seeking the
upon God’s Will. This is what Sages call a happening - the
basis of any and every relationship: an office colleague, or
consequences - good, bad or indifferent – are mere destiny
any animal that surrounds us, is truly no different from
and all one can really “do” is to accept.”
any other intimate relationship. What happens? The ‘other’
The belief due to long years of the conditioning received, does something that you do not like, and likes and dislikes
that we are responsible for the results of our actions, may must necessarily be different in different people. The only
hamper the total acceptance of this fresh “conditioning” way to have comfortable relationships - formal or intimate
of the mind, and even if one may be convinced by what – may concretize when both persons concerned are able
the Sage tells us and by his shining peace, we may fall to accept that the ‘other person’ and everyone else in the
back into the old patterns. So, we have to surrender and world, has a different programming from the Source, and
recognize that total acceptance is not our doing either. it is this inner programming that unfolds in one’s life. In
Another question may also arise when we are truly other words, it is this same psyche that dictates to the ego
convinced that we are not the doers and no one else is (or mind) how to behave, act and react in life following
one either: how can we live our life in a society, which inner and outer conditioning and biological impulses,
simply will not accept this fatalistic attitude? Ramesh which are translated into mental thoughts and emotional
agrees that this is a valid difficulty. Therefore he assures biological reactions.
us, “All you have to do is to live your life, as if you are the
doer. Life continues to be what it was, while a very big
change happens in your own personal attitude to life,
which truly means that you are comfortable with yourself
and comfortable with others, whatever happens in life.”
Nothing may be termed worldly, all is spiritual, so let
us face coherently today’s relationships’ dire crisis. In
practical daily living, a human being hardly ever lives
alone and we are to take care of the interwoven
relationships and develop them harmoniously.
Relationships, which seemed perfect for a while, when the
two partners are ‘in love’, nowadays, out of the blue turn
into a painful strife, into love-hate relationships,

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C H A P T E R 22
The Highest Understanding
“As Consciousness is all there is “Who” is to know or seek “what’?
All there is the impersonal functioning of Consciousness reflecting within
Itself the totality of manifestation.”
Waiting to meet an instrument of Consciousness or
Consciousness speaking, is like preparing yourself for a
long expected fatal appointment with the lover you have
been yearning for all your life, and who has eluded you,
playing hide and seek. I looked into the mirror and
examined the image it reflected. I do not do this very often,
so each time is like meeting a new Sandra. I sighed at the
web of many wrinkles of expression becoming deeper and
deeper. Was it due to the scorching cold of the Himalayas
or the desert of Andhra Pradesh and Tamil Nadu where
Arunachala and Ramana Ashram would give me stillness
and peace? I needed a balm for the wrinkles in the heart
and an aspirin for the headache of samsara, but I knew I
had come to the end of the road. Masters say that without
human effort nothing can be achieved, but at the same
time they tell us that what is destined to happen will
happen. This personal interaction with Ramesh S. Balsekar,
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I knew from deep within, was the highlight of the 18 years
of my spiritual quest in India, Bharat, the land of the Vedas
and cosmic pyramids of enlightenment.
From the web page I had learnt that satsangs were at 10
am, but in reality they started at 9 am. So, I arrived late
and the satsang was going on. I walked in tiptoeing not to
disturb, and wished to sit far back, but I was made to sit
on a chair right in front of Ramesh and rapidly a
microphone was clipped on my dress. I had completely
forgotten to shut the cell phone and it went on signaling
messages and disturbing the peaceful atmosphere. The
number of people present was obviously also part of
Consciousness play and at my first appointment it
happened that there were only two persons, whereas
normally there are up to 60 sitting in the tiny room and
Ramesh could pay attention and answer all my queries,
as his satsangs are open to one and all. Ramesh has stated
that they are his sole purpose in living. It is this personal
interaction that is the source of his power and also the
source of enormous satisfaction and humility at being the
instrument through which so many seekers find relief from
the confusion and torment of feelings of guilt and shame
and personal responsibility.
I looked at Ramesh. It was as if I had always known
him. A slim figure and a friendly compassionate smile.
Piercing eyes and a voice that went directly to the heart.
His clothes pure white cotton, and extremely simple.
Ramana Maharshi and Nisargadatta’s Maharaja were
looking down at me from the photos on the walls, as the
only silent witnesses of this meeting on the fifth floor of
Sindhula Building while monsoon was merely waiting a
few days to flood Bombay. An open terrace had been turned
into a beautiful open and spacious room filled with light.
A TV and a rocking chair where Ramesh would pierce into
the happenings in the outside world and then find himself
closing his eyes to enjoy the happening, were the vivid
signs of a surprisingly “common life” of a twentieth
Century awakened Sage.
Offering flowers when you go to a saint or Sage is an
offering of oneself in openness, trust and joy. In me there
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was no trace of a challenge or doubt. I recalled Sai’s words,
“Life is a game, play it. Follow the Master and finish the
game.” And the Sadguru had me run, had me stay still,
had me go step by step up the ladder never knowing how
many steps there were to climb.
When people first come to see Ramesh, he seems to
encourage them to talk about their background,
investigating what spiritual path you are on, and what has
brought you to him. In front of Ramesh’s probing questions,
visitors may end up having to humbly realize their world-
view and their spiritual practices are total confusion willed
by the Source. This would be one level of the interaction,
while at a deeper and subtler level Ramesh’s quietness
envelops you cooling your mind to the point that only the
dialogue with Ramesh is indelibly imprinted, and nothing
else is important.
Ramesh makes you aware of what lies underneath the
mind and all its ideas and concepts. Imagine these two
processes going on simultaneously! It is like fizzy cold
showers with alternate fizzy-warm ones! The seeker may
just have realized and articulated a version of his basic
turmoil, spiritual doubts and need of clarification, yet
under Ramesh’s strokes of Truth, there may happen a tug
of war between the pull of our Reality, opposed to all the
in-grooved prior conditioning. At some point one may
become acutely aware of what seems to be two competing
realities: the conceptual structure Ramesh has just
outlined, and the actual experience that underlies it: total
annihilation of the ego as one may even receive the boon
to realize immediately, out of the blue, that all ideas and
beliefs, being mere concepts, are to be dropped and the
dropping happens once you close the door of the Ramesh’s
flat in Nowroji Gamadia Road behind your shoulders and
you rest in the beingness.
The clue of that first satsang for me, was realizing that,
as soon as the question was uttered, I knew the answer
from within and in a split second I could have withdrawn
the question. Then a deep impact occurred: I was perfectly
aware there was Consciousness speaking to
Consciousness and a thrilling broom was sweeping every
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single nook and corner of the mind, emptying it of any
doubt I may ever had. Each time I would see the mind,
where the doubt or the need of further clarification was
arising, as if on a red flag was written EGO with a scull
and cross-bones on it .Well that is what I was seeing each
time a question or the need to answer Ramesh came up,
as he seemed to be waiting for it. Even now, when I sit to
enquire a little about who was the doer of this or that, I
can hear his voice stressing, and “That is the EGO!
What else!”
Notwithstanding the fact that the huge hoover of
Consciousness was pulling out, thread by thread, my
entire mind’s content, I was centered and calm, but
unconsciously and automatically asking one question
after the other, like a machine, and the answer surfaced a
second before Ramesh would explain. Everything came
out, Ramesh pulled out all the bundle of threads from the
thinking mind, and as the best laundryman, pounced hard
at my delicate points, to imprint a new conditioning. It
was as if Ramesh was not speaking to my mind at all.
Ramesh was directing his words straight at my
consciousness. He was planting his words in my
consciousness and I was happy not to disturb the planting
process. Once his teaching had been planted in
consciousness, it would sprout, grow, and at the suitable
moment it would bear fruit. On this point I can assure
that he really knew where to hammer! Eventually I felt
soothing emptiness, void and the highest sense of freedom.
Ramesh seems to be curious and keenly interested in
our questions or answers, but the honest feeling I had,
was that he knew everything, as if he was part of you in
total oneness, but the questions had to be there, as the
spoken answers must have been like arrows killing the
residues of the ego. Ramesh would sometimes make you
argue and then he would undercut your statements by
giving you a taste of the substratum that underlies all
concepts. If you are ready for it, you drop your attachment
to your concepts and rest in what lies underneath them.
If not, you just blunder ahead, going deeper and deeper
into the minefield of the mind. Some visitors get it quickly,
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while others, who were desperate for a structure to cling
to, and not this slippery yet soothing nothingness, will
come back again and again with ego-questions designed
to refine their understanding of Truth, therefore it is also
of great interest to be witnessing (also at) other seekers’
doubts. A great teaching, far deeper than merely attending
impersonal lectures.
Some teachers may tell you ‘You are Consciousness,’
‘You are Brahman,’ while Ramesh knocks you down with
his ‘three dimensional object’ and the ego, that you really
have to wake up and roll over allowing Consciousness to
annihilate what It has created. When a jnani tells you, “IT
IS THE EGO”, you cannot say no. And if you are interested
in finishing the game, you may receive the blessing to see
what happens under the full authority of Ramesh’s
realized-state and the full force that lies behind each
statement. If you take delivery of that information in the
heart, in consciousness, you may even experience a flash
of that state for yourself. If you take delivery in your mind,
you just store it there as an interesting seed of information,
which may fructify later on. If you receive the information
in utter inner silence, it activates the total awareness of
Truth.
I sat quietly while Ramesh was answering the last
question of the young man sitting next to me.
Paul: Then what are we?
Ramesh: Just total objective absence, which is the
presence of that ‘I-amness’.
Turning with a smile, “Now tell me something about
you Sandra. Which part of the world do you come from?”
Sandra: From Italy, but I’ve lived here in India for the past
18 years.
Ramesh: How brave of you! So what do you do in India?
What do you do to have money?
Sandra: God gives. It is there.
Ramesh: Oh I see, money is there, you go in a shop and
money is there, very good! This means you are not on the
poverty line. To people on the poverty line if I ask what
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The Highest Understanding
they want in life, they simply answer, “Ramesh, all I need
is need food and shelter that is all.” Now tell me Sandra,
what is the most important thing that Sandra wants in life?
Let me put it this way, if God came to you now and said,
“Sandra, ask for only one wish and I shall grant it to you.”
What would you answer?
Sandra: Uhm…..it is difficult to put it into words.
Ramesh: Have you tried to? Have you tried to put it into
words? See, I can convey my concepts only through words.
I don’t give a lecture. I talk to people using words and
words convey my concepts. What is the most important
thing to you in life? Let me put it this way: if you met God,
and God offered you to ask Him only one boon, what would
Sandra ask?
Sandra: It is really realizing and experiencing I am not this
body mind organism called Sandra. I believe it is called ‘the
experience of constant integrated awareness’.
Ramesh: Wait a minute. Suppose now you truly
experience you are the whole Source. What will this
understanding or experience bring into your daily life?
Will Sandra be happier for the rest of her life due to this
single experience? What would this experience change
in your life and what advantage would Sandra have in her
daily living out of this experience? Knowing you are the
Source, how can this knowing help you if someone cheats
you or beats you? Daily living means you are to get along
with others and not knowing if a stranger is going to be a
friend or foe. Whether there is the knowing you are the
Source or not, you still have to deal with others in your
daily living. What would this experience give you to feel
more comfortable with yourself? Will you feel more
comfortable in your relationships with others in your daily
living? Will this experience give you constant happiness,
constant harmony and peace?
Sandra: Wouldn’t I gain in non-involvement?
Ramesh: Now we are getting nearer, anyhow let me
tell you what I would answer if I were you,
Sandra: “God give me that state of mind in which I shall
not want anything from anybody and not even from You.”
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See, this is not high philosophy, but a philosophy that
enables Sandra to live the rest of her life without ever
feeling uncomfortable nor with herself nor with others in
any circumstance. This very simple philosophy helps
moment to moment and enables Sandra not to be
uncomfortable. A situation where I want nothing from
anybody is the prerequisite to harmony and peace in daily
living. Forget about seeking. Forget about enlightenment.
What is it that one needs in life? No guilt, no pride, no
hate, no envy makes life simple. It means peace. If you
seek peace in this life, then the only thing to understand
is that you are not the doer that you’re truly not responsible
for anything that you do. But that doesn’t mean that you
have to be irresponsible. Because the answer ultimately
is do whatever you like according to the standards of
morality and responsibility you have. The standards of
morality and responsibility are part of the programming,
and you cannot act other than your programming.
Sandra: How can I have that state of mind? How did it happen
to you?
Ramesh: I have accepted the Buddha’s concept: ‘Events
happen, deeds are done, consequences happen, but there
exists no individual doer.’ These are the words the Buddha
is said to have said. Totally accepting that all that happens
in life is simply in accordance to the Cosmic Law, i.e.
destiny and God’s will. Therefore I have no reason to blame
anyone, neither to envy anyone nor to blame myself for
whatever happens in life. In these past 20 odd years I have
been forced to accept pain and joy in equal measure
enjoying whatever was agreeable, and suffering any
allotted pain without blaming others and I could enjoy
peace without having to carry the load of bitterness, malice
towards others, or guilt or shame for any action. Further I
never have blamed anybody for any happening affecting
the flow of life, and this has meant the presence of peace
and harmony in my daily living
Sandra: May I know how this total acceptance happened to
you, Ramesh? I am 60 and time is getting short. Did it happen
gradually or out of the blue?
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The Highest Understanding
Ramesh: Do you know how old I am? I am 88 and it does
not bother me, so it should not bother you either. See,
Sandra, I consider myself extraordinarily lucky; as I was
born in a certain cultural environment and the result was
that I have always firmly believed in predestination. Each
one of us has a particular destiny and you should not be
bothered how it has happened to me! You surely have your
own programming. Just know I have always accepted and
believed in destiny throughout my life. Therefore I have
never worried about passing my exams at school or
obtaining a promotion in my career. Yes, there may have
been curiosity, but I never worried, as I knew that if I was
predestined to have a career my boss could not stop it from
happening, and at the same time, if it was not predestined,
there was nothing I could do. This belief set me in a
situation where there was no reason to pamper my boss,
and knowing my approach to life, my immediate boss
would trust my sincere opinion whenever he needed one.
This total acceptance makes one free from the caprices of
the other. If my career was predetermined, no one could
stop it, not even my boss, and my pampering him would
not push my promotion if it was not in the programming
or destiny.
Sandra: So, if I am to be in confusion I will remain in
confusion!
Ramesh: You have some interest and you have come here.
You were also destined to come here when there were only
two persons, while we have even had days where there
were up to 60 people crammed in this room for morning
satsangs. It is your destiny to be here and to be interested.
Do not be pessimistic. You say that your glass is half empty.
Be optimistic and say the glass is half full, as you are now
here.
Sandra: Since the ultimate understanding has happened,
what has changed in your life?
Ramesh: In these past 20 odd years, since a total
acceptance has happened, I no more carry any load of
shame and guilt for my actions however stupid or
unsuccessful some actions may seem to result, and
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moreover, whenever a feeling of compassion arises, I never
feel good or proud. In these past years there has been total
absence of envy or resentment towards others for any
action that may bring a biological reaction of displeasure,
as NO ONE DOES ANYTHING. In these past years I was
obviously forced to accept all the pain and the joy brought
by the flow of life knowing I could do nothing about the
pain that had been allotted, so I hated no one. Enjoying or
suffering is part of the natural flow of life. I was fully aware
that my peace and contentment cannot lie in the flow of
life, but in my attitude towards the flow of life. Therefore,
the flow of life cannot affect my happiness or my peace, as
they do not depend on the flow of life, but on my attitude
towards life. My ego is totally free from judgment, anxiety,
fear, resentments, shame, sense of guilt and in this state
of mind where there is total, I stress, total acceptance and
not mere intellectual acceptance. I live in the presence of
peace and contentment, as happiness is already there and
does not need to be acquired or attained if you accept no
one does anything. It is as simple as that. Yet here is the
60.000 dollar question: How? And my answer is, “The
acceptance has to be total.”
Sandra: What can ‘I do’ to have the total conviction I am not
the doer?
Ramesh: Sandra ‘can do nothing’ and it may only happen
by God’s will. Yet Sandra may ask me, “Ramesh what is
the practice I can be absorbed in, while I am waiting that
the total acceptance happens, as I have been conditioned
to practice something?
Sandra: Yes, Ramesh, All along these years I passed from
a catholic upbringing to studying Sai Baba’s teachings,
Hinduism, and subsequently I added also the Kriya Yoga
technique as meditation further to attending Brahmachari
Courses to deepen the understanding, yet all the dos and
don’ts, plus my 60 year old body reacting with pain in sitting
and practicing, resulted in even more confusion. All the dos
and don’ts, the good and bad implications, put me off the
road and made me feel guilty.
Ramesh: Yes I see, the teaching was that you must meditate
and practice yoga, but poor Sandra kept saying I cannot
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sit with my back straight nor cross legged on the floor!
Sandra kept saying’ “It hurts my hips and spine.” This
brought in a sense of inadequacy, shame and guilt. Sandra
felt frustrated. So, it was your destiny to come here at the
peak of a crisis and find Ramesh still alive, although 88.
There is no truth in whatever any Master or any Scripture
says…they are all concepts! Even God is a concept. God,
as a concept I may have, does not exist. There exists only
one truth that no one can deny and that is: ‘I AM.”- “ I
EXIST.” The ‘I am-ness’ is the only truth, the impersonal
awareness of being. I can only share my concepts, as fresh
conditioning yet the amending of the past conditioning
is God’s will. Sai Baba sends many people here. One of
them, Sky Mc Cloud, even asked Sai Baba if Ramesh was
his Guru and Sai Baba answered, “Yes.” And through
dreams he has sent many of his devotees here. So, who
has sent you here? Sai Baba sent you here. I am not joking.
Sandra: I feel a great relief and a huge weight coming off
my shoulders. Thank you Ramesh it really was painful this
strife. (Tears rolling freely down my cheeks.)
Ramesh: Have you read my book Confusion no More?
After all these years of confusion, no doubt, I understand
and totally sympathize with you, Sandra. Just looking at
your face I could see the unhappiness due to confusion.
This total acceptance happens by God’s will, yet as you
are used at some practice or another, I can advice on a
very simple and very effective personal investigation. At
the end of the day make yourself comfortable, switch off
your mobile phone, and try this very simple investigation:
among the many events of the day that you realize have
happened, choose one action you are convinced it is your
action and choose one single action that you would
challenge anybody to prove it is not your action. Ask
yourself, “Did I decide to do this?”
If you go deeper and deeper in the analysis, you will
recollect there was a thought surfacing, and that you never
had any control over that thought that crept in the mind,
but it merely was a biological reaction. Then you will see
that, if the thought had not happened, there would not have
been any action. If you still go deeper, without exception,
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you will discover that if you had not been in a certain
place at certain time, and if you had not heard, seen or
felt something, you would not have ‘done’ a particular
action you were so sure could not be labeled as not you
own action. The happening of being in a certain place and
the happening of seeing or hearing something, happened
and produced the action you were so sure was YOUR
ACTION, while in reality, you never had any control over
it. In conclusion, out of your own investigation, a flash of
total acceptance is likely to happen. Consequently, this
realization will bring in also the total acceptance that also
others’ actions are not their actions either. When the flash
happens there will be no more doubts and a new
understanding may arise. Only from investigation of your
personal actions will you come to the conclusion that no
one does any action; that all actions are only divine
happenings, happenings according to God’s will and
therefore, no one needs to be blamed for anything. That is
the conclusion you arrive at from your own experience.
Then what was once an intellectual concept becomes the
personal truth from your investigation and all the rest was
Divine hypnosis.
Sandra: Thank you, Ramesh. I suppose all the previous steps
were part of the programming leading to a blessed clarity to
happen here listening and verifying under your guidance. I
was in a lot of confusion and strain; now I am here by God’s
will and I see that all the previous steps simply had to be, so
that I may dismantle them.
Ramesh: I will tell you another thing. This is my concept:
‘who cares if the full understanding happens’, yet do not
be pessimistic. In reality whether you do not even practice
this simple self-investigation, it may happen if it is God’s
will, but it may also not happen if it is not! Sandra, you are
most welcome to come again, but once that understanding
happens no more doubts will remain and there will be no
need to come again.
Sandra: I came from Bangalore, may I come also tomorrow,
so that the teaching seeps in?
Ramesh: If it makes you happy, surely you can come and
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The Highest Understanding
sometimes it happens that, in the very beginning,
interrelated questions may arise. In that case I will be
happy to clarify also these. Don’t forget, all these are
concepts. You have to find out from your own experience
if this concept is acceptable or not. That will depend on
God’s will and your destiny.
A retired physicist was investigating with Ramesh about
what happens during concentration and meditation and
Ramesh, article at hand, read out this fascinating scientific
discovery:
Ramesh: I read a very interesting article about Dr.
Newberg, a leading light in the field of neurotheology -
the brain science behind spiritual and religious
experience. He has invented a machine, which allowed
him to capture a snapshot of the brain in the moment of
spiritual transcendence, a state known in its highest form
as samadhi. He invited and examined the brain of two
Tibetan monks in the moment of their deepest meditation
and asked them to ring a bell the moment they would enter
a deep state of meditation and so they did. The images Dr
Newberg captured showed that the brain’s pre-frontal
cortex, — the seat of attention, lit up in a brilliant
vermilion, indicating an increase in blood flow due to the
meditator’s state of deep concentration. However the Upper
rear area of the brain, known as the orientation association
area, had turned into a dark blue. This rear part of the
brain is where we have a sense of space and time and where
appears the ‘self’’ existing as separate from the physical
universe. The darkness in this area showed that when a
meditator was indrawn, the entire world receded,
effectively blocking any information from the outside, the
brain cannot create a boundary between self and the entire
world, As a result, Newberg explains, it has no choice but
to perceive that self as endless, interwoven with everyone
and everything. This may happen also in deep
concentration. This would explain that what happens
during meditation is only a time-bound experience, while
enlightenment means a total transformation, based on the
total acceptance that the separate entity is merely an
instrument through which pure energy functions.
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What this means is that the final understanding blocks The meeting was over and I felt very light, but as soon
the sensory input from streaming into our brains and as I walked out, doubts started propping up, so I decided
keeps the orientation association area dark throughout to stay one more day even if I understood there was no
the day, and not only during the time when the meditation need of a new Guru-disciple relationship.
is at its acme. No information flows into that area because
there is no longer the individual entity doing the
comparing and judging and differentiating between the
me and the other - the seer and the seen, the subject and
the object - based on the personal doership of each
separate entity.
The result is that, with no information flowing into that
area - the orientation association area - the brain has no
choice but to perceive that self as endless, interwoven with
everyone and everything. What causes the separation
between the self and the other representing the outside
world is the involvement of the self in the outside world
through the comparing and judging whatever appears as
being done by the ‘other’.
What caused the darkness in the orientation association
area, when the meditator had dived within, is that the
‘thinking mind’ - got cut off. The thinking mind, is the
mind which asks questions based on what happens in the
outside world, based on what the others are doing, provides
answers and asks further questions based on those
answers, and this chain of thinking - involvement - goes
on and on.
The other aspect of the mind, the ‘working mind’ is only
focused on the apparent doing that needs to be done at
the moment. It is only focused in doing the job. The working
mind is not concerned with the future because the ‘one’
who is concerned with the consequences is the thinking
mind, the ego. In the working mind there is no individual
doing the work. The work being done is witnessed, whereas
in the thinking mind exists the ego with the sense of
personal doership, very much concerned with
the consequences.
The increased frontal activity - and the decreased
activity in the rear of the brain - is found not only during
meditation but also during any attention-focusing task
i.e. when the working mind is totally in charge.
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C H A P T E R 23
Wisdom Piercing the Heart
Deepen and broaden your awareness
And all blessings will flow
You not need seek anything; all will come to you effortlessly
Bombay was humid and hot, but during the night a
gentle storm cleared the air and cooled down the high
temperature. This time I arrived punctually and was happy
to climb up the many steps to the fourth floor of Sindhula
building and discovered that once more I was so blessed
to find only two other people, so I again had the rare
chance to talk directly with Ramesh to clear some doubts
springing from all previous conditioning.
Sandra: After a day of pondering over your new conditioning,
may I ask you a few clarifications Ramesh?
Ramesh: Sure. Go ahead.
Sandra: It is very difficult to abandon any prior spiritual path
or technique we have believed in.
Ramesh: Yes.
Sandra: It hurts. Who is feeling the pain?
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Ramesh: The ego. Every time you feel pain or you feel
hurt it is the ego that feels the pain. Who finds difficulties
and gets hurt? The ego. What else? Who is the seeker?
The ego. Who gets involved? The ego. Because of its nature
the body has its biological reactions due to genes and
conditioning, over which the ego has no control, mere
reactions in the body mind organism. As soon as the eyes
see something, the ears hear something, or your tongue
tastes something, there is a biological reaction and the
ego gets involved, but there is no need to get involved. A
Sage’s ego simply witnesses the reaction and does not get
involved in the biological reaction.
The body has biological reactions over which the ego
has no control. The ego does not arise till the baby is two
years old. The baby has preferences: if he is in his mother’s
arms he refuses to go in anybody else’s arms My brother’s
grand child often comes here and if he does not see me
around, he misses me and searches to find out where I am
and when he finally spots where I am, he feels, “ok, now
everything is in its place! Reactions like pain, fear, joy,
compassion or sorrow are biological reactions and the ego
should not get involved, but in ordinary beings it does.
How does the ego get involved? The ego gets involved
saying, ‘I should be loyal to the Guru, I should be
compassionate or I should not get angry etc.’ Also the Sage
may get angry, but having abolished the involvement of
the ego, he does not care and does not get involved. The
Sage simply witnesses all natural biological reactions
happening without getting involved.
The only way to deal with the ego is to understand what
the ego is and how it has arisen. All there is Consciousness
and it is Consciousness, which has deliberately identified
Itself with each individual body-mind mechanism in order
to perceive the manifestation in the duality of observer/
observed. So, the entire functioning of the totality of
manifestation – the lila – is an impersonal affair of evolution
concerning the process of initial identification – the
identified existence covering a certain period – the mind
turning inwards – the beginning of the process of
disidentification, and the final understanding of this very
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impersonal process, or enlightenment, in which
Consciousness has regained Its original “purity”. What the
witnessing does is to be dissociated from the ego while
recognizing its validity as the operational element, which
must persist as the part of the psychic construct of the
psychosomatic mechanism. This element, the ego, must
continue to exist as long as the body exists, but no longer
confused. What the understanding brings about is that the
recognition of the ego, or mind, is merely the working
partner in the physical organization that the body is, and
not its independent owner.
Sandra: So I should not feel I am a stray-dog if I withdraw
from a certain spiritual technique, a path in which I totally
believed in for years? Isn’t this being inconsistent or disloyal?
Ramesh: Every event, every thought, every feeling
concerning any individual is a movement in
Consciousness. This feeling of being like ‘a stray dog’
arises from the ego, as it is not a biological reaction. It is
the ego thinking you are supposed to feel love and be loyal
to a spiritual path or loyal to your own country and so
forth. The ego is the one saying: “I should” or “I am
supposed to.”
I have ten Gurus who am I to be loyal to? Therefore at a
certain point the ego must have some understanding and
this needed and important understanding is: ‘you did not
choose to find that particular Guru at that particular
moment in time. It happened and now a certain shift is
happening and it was never your doing. The base is: It all
happens. It is predetermined and there is nothing Sandra
has ever done, either good or bad, she never had the choice
between alternatives, or paths or Gurus. Sandra could
never make a mistake, as she was never in charge of
choosing! All was meant to be. It was your programming.
The ego brings in the fear Sandra may have done
something wrong or she can be compared to a ‘lunitoon’
or a stray dog. There is no inconsistency whatsoever. It is
a mere thought that arises, “What did I do wrong?” is a
mere thought that arises due to prior conditioning.
Stepping out and getting on is simply in your destiny.
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Sandra: Do you mean to say that also the Guru disciple
relationship may be a phase in one’s life and then click…it
may shift to wider fields, different levels, under the inner
Guru’s guidance and as per the programming in the genes?
Ramesh: See, Sandra, two people may meet the same
teacher and, one may react with indifference and will
‘click’ with some other Guru., while the other person
‘clicks’ and will serve and obey her Guru donating all she
has. Guru disciple relationship may click with one person
and not with another person. Even this type of happening
was predetermined. It was supposed to ‘click’ or not.
Destiny or Cosmic Law are at the root of all that happens.
Maharaj used to say that some may need more than one
Guru and some do not. I myself had a Guru for over 20
years and then I met Maharaj.
Sandra: Does it mean that this ‘click’ can happen only for a
certain number of years and then chak…….and you are
perfectly ok feeling that the teaching is no more in line with
the level you had happened to reach and you pass on to
another Guru, as if it were like drinking a glass of fresh
water?
Ramesh: This does not mean that you will immediately
find another Guru. Another Guru will appear at the very
moment that it has to happen, or when you are supposed
to find another Guru, not a day before nor a day later. The
fundamental basic understanding is that whatever
happens the ego has no reason to blame himself as it never
did anything! The secret is, - Go with the flow, do not resist
it. Nor does it mean that you have to have a teacher to
remove your bondage. This would mean further bondage.
It is bondage if you depend on another being to remove
that “me”. We have come to point where the understanding
is that for the I AM state to prevail, Sandra must be removed,
yet Sandra cannot do anything about the removing. Can a
Guru ‘do’ it for you? My answer is no. Only by God’s will
this will happen or not. Also this disappearance will
happen.
Sandra: As a consequence of deepening the underlying
implications of these concepts of no doership, will you kindly
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also clarify about the inherent meaning of karma. Is it simply
an interwoven pattern willed by the Source, combined with
the planetary set up at the moment of birth, which has nothing
to do with our actions in the past as we are not the doers?
Once Sai Baba came in my dream and stated, “Do you want
to know a secret? Not even karma exists.” It was such a
different teaching from His normal public talks that I feared
also dreams may be dreams in the dream of life and I never
investigated further.
Ramesh: My basic understanding is that nobody does
anything. Therefore investigate deeper on the basic
meaning of karma? What does the term karma mean?
Sandra: Action
Ramesh: Yes, action, but not your action. Action. An
action happens therefore there are consequences and we
go back to the Buddha’s words: events happen, deeds are
done, consequences happen, but there is no individual
doer. So, actions happen but nobody as individual doer is
responsible. Just as in the Bhagavan Gita Krishna teaches
Arjuna that all responsibility lies on His shoulders about
the battle. Whether he wants or not to fight his nature, the
programming is to be a warrior and even if Arjuna does
not want to fight, he will be forced by his programming so
his preference or decision not to fight, is totally useless.
Nature or programming will make Arjuna fight and in any
case Krishna stressed that He has already killed those who
had to be killed. No action is ever the action of an object.
So what is karma all about? An action happens and there
are consequences, but who is really responsible for an
action you never did? It is the action of the subject.
Anyhow, the created object cannot understand the Subject
and we should not be concerned with those who reap the
consequences of these actions. Whenever a scientist stops
investigating, he will become a mystic. This final
understanding is that understanding in which there is
no “I” and no “me” to say, “I have understood. I told you:
the only Truth is I Am - I Exist. That is the only Truth.
Everything else is a concept. Rebirth is a concept. Your
karma is a concept. There is no karma which is yours,
all that happens is God’s will.
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Sandra: Then what is the sense of re-birth or previous
births?
Ramesh: How can Sandra have more than one lifetime?
Sandra: That is a good question!
Ramesh: Freedom from personal doership is freedom from
rebirth. The fact that there are geniuses in any field in life
in music in cricket or in the spiritual field etc should make
you think. Ramana never meditated nor was he seeking
when at the young age of 16 it happened that the
understanding dawned. Something must be carried
forward from previous incarnations. Like Beethoven,
Mozart or Albert Einstein, Ramana Maharshi was a genius
– a spiritual genius. Therefore something must be carried
over from a previous life. But Ramesh, as an ego, is not
going to be carried over to another life. What is brought
over I do not know and I could not care a damn about this
‘what’. There was another ego enjoying a previous life and
it is not carried forward from one life to another. There
will be surely another birth, but Sandra will not be carried
forth to another life. All the ego has to do is to ask himself,
“What am I to seek and what is the goal in this lifetime.”
The ego is not concerned with any more births. Further,
freedom from personal doership is obviously also freedom
from rebirth. Sandra, as a personality or ego, is only for
this birth. The ego is meant only for this present body to
enjoy or suffer whatever is the will of God or the Cosmic
Law. Freedom from the concept of doership is freedom from
rebirth.
Sandra: So, also the type of death we are to face is also
predestined?
Ramesh: Nobody has to worry about the death
phenomenon. You do not have to worry, as when it happens
you will not be there. The humourist, Woody Allen, has
said: “I am not afraid of death, the only thing I do not want
is to be present at the moment it happens.” The process of
death may be painful or sudden. Even saints like
Ramakrishna, Nisargadatta Maharaj, Ramana Maharshi
were lingering with cancer for months and Jesus suffered
on the cross. Lingering with cancer is destiny and the ego
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can do nothing about it, so why worry? A friend of mine
went to the fridge to fetch a glass of cold water, his wife
heard him open the fridge and then a thud. He was dead:
a massive heart attack.
The ego may be worried about death, but there is nothing
the ego can do about how it will have to face death. The
Dalai Lama went to USA a few months ago and was
surrounded by the usual group of journalists. One asked
Him: “ Your Holiness do you believe in rebirth?” and the
Dalai Lama, being a Buddhist,. Answered, “Of course I
believe in rebirth, but there is nothing personal in it.”
There is birth and rebirth, yet nothing personal, the ego is
what makes it personal.
Sandra: As everything is predestined, what can the individual
ego modify by praying or repeating mantras?
Ramesh: This is begging not praying. What is the use of
begging if everything is predestined? A prayer of gratitude
can arise. I will tell you a story about a Moghul Emperor
who wanted to be democratic and a good ruler. The Emperor
decided that anybody could have access to him, so he fixed
a bell outside his private rooms, so people could summon
him. One morning a beggar rang the bell while the Emperor
was finishing his morning prayers. The beggar sat silently
watching the Emperor praying in front of his altar, then
made a move with the intention of going away, but the
Emperor called him back and asked him what he needed.
The beggar told him, “I came here wanting something from
you, but I found you with your hands raised begging from
someone else, so what is the use of me begging from you?”
Prayer is a biological reaction. The ego watches a
biological reaction resulting in a prayer.
My concept is that a prayer of gratitude and
thankfulness may arise at some moment and that is a real
prayer. You may happen to see people suffering and you
may realize how lucky you are to be so healthy compared
to others, and a prayer of gratitude may spontaneously
arise. This is really the only real prayer and not the usual
prayer where one asks for a promotion or money, which is
synonymous with begging.
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Sandra: How to listen to God’s promptings better?
Ramesh: Very simple in whatever situation do as you like,
as what you like depends precisely on the genes and
conditioning that God has programmed for you. So how
can it ever not be God’s will? You can never commit a sin.
You can never make a mistake. The answer is, you may
do what you like, but what you like to do is exactly what
God wants you to like to do at that moment in the given
circumstance. Therefore, there is no contradiction. Do
whatever you think you like. And how does God manage
that? Through the programming. What you think you
like is based on the programming-genes plus
conditioning and God acts through the programming
and you need no effort to listen to the promptings..
Sandra: What about the teaching of repeating mantras?
Ramesh: Repeating a mantra keeps the mind free from
involvement by fixing the concentration on the mantra.
Concentration is the trick, as otherwise your tongue goes
on repeating the mantra and the mind goes to the market
and, in this case, there is no purpose in repeating the
mantra. The main purpose of repeating a mantra is to keep
the mind from conceptual involvement like for example
thinking about reincarnation or any imaginary happening.
Sandra: I find it easier to translate books rather than
repeating a mantra.
Ramesh: So, no better way. As good as repeating a mantra.
More practical. The whole purpose is not to allow the mind
to get involved in speculative concepts. Whether it brings
some money or you are writing for your own satisfaction,
it makes no difference. Sandra can either repeat the mantra
or translate a book.
Sandra: Repeating a mantra does not have the same effect!!!
Ramesh: (Giggles.) Then translate, as all you have to do
is to keep the mind away from conceptualization. When
the mind is concentrated on japa or repeating mantra, the
back of the brain, the thinking mind, remains empty, and
no thought has the possibility to arise. Writing or
translating keep the thinking mind in check and any type
of concentration is as good as repeating mantras.
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Ramesh: Where are you from, Shanthi?
Shanthi: From Australia
Ramesh: Do you consider yourself a seeker?
Shanthi: Since I was born.
Ramesh: Oh, how did it happen? Do you remember?
Shanthi: My mother is devoted to Ramana Maharshi. When
I was 13 I started meditating and I used to say that if Ramana
had made it at 16 I would make it at 14.
Ramesh: I see. So you have always been a seeker. Any
particular question?
Shanthi: Are concentration and meditation the means to
stop the flow of thoughts?
Ramesh: Whenever there is full concentration, no new
thought can come in. It can come in if the concentration
is not complete. Whether you concentrate or meditate or
your attention is totally absorbed and concentrated on
some work, the thinking mind cannot bring in any thought.
This is called concentration not thoughtlessness, It is not
called awareness.
Shanthi: Do we attain it through a technique?
Ramesh: There is no attaining anything. It is a
happening, but you have this attainment issue in-grooved
in your mind! Anyhow you cannot achieve it, it happens
only if it has to happen. No technique is the preceding
prerogative. Not even personal investigation is a MUST. It
is destiny and the Source’s will. If you wish you hang on
to the personal investigation, but it can happen even
without investigation. But the self-investigation could
help, as the intellectual understanding goes deeper.
Doership is the obstacle. There is no me. Who is this me
who thinks he or she is the doer? Investigating makes the
investigator arrive at the conclusion he or she was never
the doer.
Shanthi: Then why are all these techniques taught?
Ramesh; Techniques keep the mind empty; free of
involvement. All practices are helpful up to a certain point.
They lead to that stage for the happening to happen. You
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see, a monk may be programmed to keep the mind free of
involvement by meditation or japa, but the state where no
request, no desire arises’, the state of mind where you are
at peace, Sukha Shanthi, the joy of peace, is a mere
happening. The total acceptance of this no doership, must
be totally accepted.
Shanthi: I understand. Total acceptance. Uhm..I think it
never was there although I often tried to get to the core of
the term surrender more than once, yet life was a struggle
for years on end. So, it is total acceptance the secret?
Ramesh: In other words, what I mean is to have the ability
to bear whatever life brings. Happiness means sometimes
happiness, sometimes unhappiness, while acceptance, the
ability to bear whatever life brings, is what you call peace.
Kate: Can you explain this word acceptance? Is it as you
were explaining to Sandra, only true and total acceptance of
the events and/or emotions arising?
Ramesh: Yes, to accept whatever happens in life. Have
you ever tried? Are you able to accept it?
Kate: I am not that sure. But I see the importance of the total
acceptance. Yet it has been like a flip-flop creating chaos.
Ramesh: Acceptance basically means accepting the
characteristics of any given body-mind organism as part
of the totality of phenomenal manifestation over which the
concerned individual had no control. This includes
accepting one’s own limitations not as something to
improve upon with one’s own efforts, but leaving the
improvement, if any is needed, to the natural process. This
acceptance prevents any sense of frustration if the efforts
are not very successful. When we accept the
understanding one also accepts the natural limitations
of any other body-mind mechanism without judging. Total
acceptance essentially means accepting the subjectivity
of God. And the “me” as the instrument through which
Consciousness or God, as the Subject, expresses Itself in
objectivity. Acceptance is a combination of tolerance and
humility. Acceptance leads to understanding and this
leads to extreme sensitivity. The Sage, the Jnani, weeps
with those who weep and laughs with those who laugh as
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the suffering or the pleasure is mirrored. Now, tell me Kate,
what is your understanding, about how to achieve this
peace we are all looking for?
Kate: I am still quite young, but I know that worldly happiness
and unhappiness is something that doesn’t last.
Ramesh: Yes exactly, this is what life is all about. Life
sometimes brings. pain, sometimes pleasure, sometimes
happiness and sometimes unhappiness. Now, my concept
is that we do have that peace within us. That peace
everybody has at hand, therefore there exists nothing one
has to achieve or attain. It is there, but that peace is
obstructed by something we think or do. My concept is,
basically that we don’t have to achieve the peace, which is
already there. What we are concerned with is removing
the obstacle to that peace. Removing the obstruction, which
prevents that peace from happening. What is the
obstruction? What prevents that peace? Now, from my
concept: peace is there. Whenever a feeling happens
whether acceptable or not acceptable, if it happens you
accept it. So what do you think prevents you from reaching
that peace during whatever you do in the waking hours?
The problem arises because you say it should not have
happen, “I should not have done this or that.” Is the
obstacle to peace, the obstacle to Sukha Shanthi, the joy
of peace. But there it is, so accept whatever happens as
something that had to happen according to the destiny of
this object. The main point is that it is not in your control,
but if you wish to think that it is in your control, nothing
prevents you, according to my teaching, from doing
whatever you want to do.
Kate: I am confused as there are so many books on the power
of the mind. Why are they written?
Ramesh: To sell them and make money! These self-help
books help you decide what you are to do in a given
situation and how to deal with any particular situation.
They tell you what you should do, but my concept is
whatever you have done and whatever happens is not in
your control, it has never ever been in your control to
influence the results. Astrologers or palm leaf-readers may
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tell you that in the next few months you will not get what
you want, as everything is predetermined, and whether
you believe it or not, this is how it works.
Kate: As I am not the doer, how do I face daily issues and
daily commitments?
Ramesh: The bottom line of the teaching is: at any
moment, in any given circumstances, do whatever you
think you should do. Can you ever have more freedom than
that? At any moment, in any given circumstances, do
whatever you think you should do, and ‘doing’ means
merely deciding between the alternatives that are available
to you. Select any alternative that you think you should
‘do’ because your choice is based on the programming over
which you have no control. Now tell me, Judy, what
obstacle is there between you and the peace you have been
seeking since you were born?
Judy: Emotions, attachment and ego.
Ramesh: Now, emotion - you’ll find some people with
more emotion than others, isn’t that right? I have a friend,
a German friend who is very emotional. I often see him.
Tears come to his eyes – emotional. He has been a soldier
all his life and also for six generations all his ancestors
were soldiers, but when I talk to him, if something touches
him, tears promptly come to his eyes. And yet he has been
a soldier, a good soldier. You see? So the arising of
emotions has not prevented him from being a good soldier.
So my point is, if emotion arises, what does it matter? Why
are you concerned with emotion arising or not arising?
Have you ever wondered if the loss of peace is due to
emotions? Why do you not like emotions to arise? Fear?
What do you fear? Do you fear what people will think?
Judy : I believe it is an unidentified fear of suffering.
Ramesh: Fear itself is an emotion. The arising of any
emotion does not prevent you from having the peace you
wish to have. Whenever fear arises, yet you don’t accept
this emotion and you force yourself, convincing yourself,
that you are courageous and have no fear, there happens
a friction, a competition within yourself, and this very
competition creates a certain strife and unhappiness
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within you, as there is no acceptance. You do not accept
how things are. In these instances one cannot have the
peace one desires so strongly. You are unhappy and
therefore far from peace. Anger arises because it is your
nature to be angry - angrier than another person or more
afraid than another person. So the arising of fear, arising
of anger and also arising of compassion, happens because
according to my concept, it is the nature of the human
object. Each object has it own nature and programming.
Basically, what is a human being? You see the
manifestation, the universe. What is the manifestation
made of? What is the universe or the manifestation made
of? It’s made of objects, isn’t it? Objects everywhere, planets,
stars, trees, fish etc. Whatever exists in phenomenality,
whatever exists in the phenomenal universe is an object.
Isn’t that right?
My basic concept is that each one of us, everybody,
wants happiness and peace. But who is this everybody?
Let’s first consider that. Who is this everybody who wants
this peace? Basically, my point therefore is that a human
being cannot be anything other than one type of object,
which along with thousands of other types of objects
constitutes the totality of manifestation. Essentially, what
I’m saying is that each one of us is an object, but we tend
to forget this important point. We forget that we are mere
three-dimensional objects because the Source has created
all these objects with such a design, or nature, that the
object considers itself a separate entity with volition. “I
have free will. I can do what I like. I’m responsible for my
actions, therefore I can either do a good action or a bad
action. I can be courageous or not. I can be kind or I may
be unkind. Everything is in my control. I’m in charge of
my life. To Shanthi, who thinks in terms of “I am in charge
of my life” my question is, who is this ‘you’ that you’re
talking about? And my point is that basically, you are an
object, a specially designed and programmed object, but
nonetheless an object. Essentially, human beings cannot
be anything more than an object and this has to
be accepted.
Judy: Yes. (giggling) Did I ever have the free will to be here
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in Bombay? Can I choose to listen to Ramesh rather than
anyone else?
Ramesh: But even on this particular issue of coming here,
to listen to Ramesh, you could only decide, right? What
happens as a result of the decision, you cannot foresee.
There are no fixed results after a certain decision and the
results are according to God’s will. For example, you
decided to come to Bombay, but your plane may be delayed
and you cannot arrive here for the talk.
Judy: Yet sooner or later one plane will fly……..
Ramesh: Oh, yes, the airplane will leave, but will it be on
schedule? If late as usual here in India, you may not be
able to attend the satsang at the time ‘your free will’ thought
you would be attending. You may have to wait till the next
day. This is destiny. You may decide, if you wish to think
so, but anyhow the results of your decision are not in your
hands, if you recall your many experiences in life, at least
on this I am sure you agree. Do you agree Sandra?
Sandra: Honestly I had no plans to come during monsoons.
Actually I had in mind to come in September, but here I am in
June and full monsoon.
Ramesh: Yes. So what exactly do we mean by ‘free will’?
Is it all a matter about deciding what you are to do next.
That’s all. It has to do with the attractive ‘power to decide’
and to be in charge. That’s all. What is your experience?
You make a decision, but whether it happens or not, you
really can’t say because other forces may come into the
picture. You cannot be sure about the results. This is my
point. You cannot be sure about the results of any decision
you take with your free will.
Sandra: Can I really make a decision?
Ramesh: You’re quite right. You have the free will to make
a decision. In other words, we are either the subject, pure
subjectivity, potentiality, energy, God, whatever you choose
to call it - the Source - the one reality from which the entire
manifestation has come and there exists only pure
subjectivity, pure reality, or we are objects and everybody
else is an object. It’s very clear, isn’t it? And yet, this is the
basic, simple truth, which everybody forgets and keeps on
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thinking, “I want this. I like you. I don’t like this or that.”
When you go deeper and deeper you realize that the
thought dropped in a few seconds prior to any decision.
So, is it still a decision of yours?
Sandra: As all is the Source, who is prompting the confusing
thought we have free will?
Ramesh: Whenever that object is able to think that it has
volition, then even that ability to think that it has volition
and that he is in charge of his life, must have come from
the Source. So, an object who considers himself a separate
entity with volition, has that ability to think (so) only
because the Source has created that ability in that object.
That is clear, isn’t it?
Sandra: Who has preferences? The ego?
Ramesh: Yes, the ego! Therefore, my question always
begins with: Who is this who wants something, who does
not want something; who likes or does not like someone
or something? Who is this? It is basically an object.
Sandra: What is a human being then?
Ramesh: My concept is that a human being is an object,
uniquely programmed by the Source. Now, when I say the
Source, you can give it any name you like, so long as you
remember that all those labels refer to only one thing - the
Source. The physicist will use the word primal energy or
you give whatever label to the Source and if you prefer to
say energy, say energy, if you prefer to say God, say God.
Or if you prefer to keep using the Source, that’s fine too.
The Upanishads call it ‘Consciousness’, ‘the impersonal
awareness of being’. ‘I am’.
Sandra: Can you clarify this ‘I am’?
Ramesh: ‘I am’ does not refer to Ramesh, or to Sandra, or
anyone else. The awareness that we have is simply of being
alive. ‘I am.’ The impersonal awareness of being is the
Source. The Source has identified Itself with each human
object and created this impersonal awareness and
immediately identified it with an individual entity. So,
the Source or Consciousness Itself has created this
confusion, this identification with the ‘ego. All is created
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by the Source, even confusion or Maya. What is this
programming? Each human being has been created as a
unique individual entity, a unique individual human
object, so that Source Itself, by whatever name you call It,
may be able to use each individual, each uniquely
programmed human object to bring about whatever the
Source wants. That is my basic concept. Each human being
is a uniquely programmed instrument, object, or computer
created by the Source so that the Source can do whatever
it wants, and bring about whatever It wants through each
human object, through each uniquely programmed
instrument. Therefore, anything that happens through any
human object is not something done by an object. An object
can do nothing. Therefore my basic concept is: anything
that happens through any human object is not something
done by an individual, but something brought about by
that Source which has created that human object in a
special way so that whatever happens to that birth is exactly
what the Source wants to bring about. Is what I have just
said strange for you? I repeat, every human being is a
uniquely programmed, designed human object, so that the
Source may bring up, through each uniquely programmed
human object, whatever the Source wants to produce and
not what the object wants to produce. It seems strange,
but this is how it works.
Sandra: It is quite a relief.
Ramesh: I say nothing different from, ‘Thy will be done’.
It’s been there in the Lord’s Prayer ever since you were a
child. So what I’m saying is exactly what those four words
say, “Thy will be done.” Thy will is the Source’s will. It is
nothing different from the famous Buddha’s words: ‘Deeds
are done, events happen, but there is no individual doer
thereof.’
Sandra: Can we go into more details about the programming
you are talking about?
Ramesh: What is this programming I am talking about? I
refer to the unique programming, which enables the
Source to bring out whatever the Source wants and not
what the objects wants. The programming, according to
my concept, is this: you have no choice in being born to
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certain particular parents, therefore you have no choice
about the genes - the unique DNA of this particular human
object. Each human object has a distinct DNA, not even
twins have similar programming. Even twins have different
DNA and the DNA in the body can identify that body as
that particular individual body. So, Sandra has no choice
about the genes in this human object called Sandra, and
for the same reason, Sandra had no choice about the
environment in which she was born, Sandra did not choose
her parents nor the environment where to grow. Did you
decide you were to be born in Italy? Did you choose the
particular environment, physical, social environment in
which this human object Sandra was to grow? No, Sandra
was never in control. Sandra has no control whatsoever to
which human parents, in which environment, which
geographical environment, which social environment, he
was to be conditioned by.
Sandra: is the personality and as the persona called Sandra
is, according to my concept, nothing more than the
programming willed by the Source, due to the genes or DNA
plus the environmental conditioning, which includes social
conditioning, your education, your social upbringing, how
Sandra is, cannot but be part of that conditioning, which is
predestined?
Ramesh: Ever since a baby has been born, this
conditioning has been going on. A baby is born, a six or
eight months baby is not concerned if there are other
children. But as the child grows, the environmental
conditioning will stress that it must associate with certain
children and not with others and that he/she has to go to
this or that school. So, at any moment, Sandra, the
persona, is an individual entity, which had no control over
either its genes or the environment or his social
conditioning. Therefore, Sandra is a fiction. There is truly
no Sandra at all, except this feeling of being an
‘independent’ entity, and this feeling of being an
independent entity, which has been imposed on the
personal awareness of being is called ‘ego’. So, the ego,
according to my concept, which makes Sandra think he
is an individual with volition and that he is in control of
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his life, is really only a fiction created by what the Hindu’s
call: Maya. I call it: divine hypnosis.
When the Source created this human object and the
parents called the baby object ‘Sandra’, then, by divine
hypnosis a fiction was also created; the hypnosis that
Sandra is an individual entity. How? By creating an
identification; a fictional, conceptual identification with
a particular body/mind organism and a name. So what is
Sandra? Basically a name given to a human object over
the programming of which the so-called Sandra had no
control. You had no control over your genes. You had no
control over your conditioning, and what Sandra is, is
nothing but genes plus your conditioning.
You say you make a decision. When you make a
decision Sandra, what is that decision based on? That
decision, which you think is your decision, according to
my concept, is based essentially on the genes and the
environmental up to date condition. Let us say that ten
days ago you had decided something, but during these
past ten days, you have met some people, you have read
some books, and that very reading or dialogues with your
new acquaintances, have changed your existing
conditioning and therefore, now, you may look upon the
decision made ten days ago as something you would not
have decided today. Do you see what I’m getting at? The
conditioning keeps on changing. What is happening now,
Sandra? You and I are having a talk and it could change
the existing conditioning in either of us. So the
conditioning is going on all the time, and whatever
decision you think you are making is based on the genes
plus the up to date conditioning. You call it your decision.
But is it really your decision, Sandra? When, on analyzing,
investigating you’ll find that what you call ‘your’ decision
is based entirely on something over which you have no
control, you will arrive at the conclusion that even the
decisions, which you think you make, are based on
something over which you have no control. And the
decisions that you think you are making are exactly the
Source will.
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What does the Source do? It uses every human object,
uniquely programmed objects, as computers. It uses each
human object as an individual, uniquely programmed
computer. How do you use your computer? You put in an
input and your computer has no choice but to bring out
an output, strictly according to the programming. Isn’t that
right? Do you use a computer at all?
Sandra: Yes I do.
Ramesh: So when you use your computer, what do you
do? You give an input, then you press a button and the
output has nothing to do with the computer’s choice. It is
strictly according to the programming. Isn’t that right? But
your computer, contrary to the body-mind organism, has
no ego and it does not say, “It is ‘my’ action.” So the output
is strictly according to the programming. The brain reacts
to an input over which you have no control, an input being
sent by the Source. So what is the input? Mostly it is a
thought. You have a thought, which leads to an action,
about which Sandra says “It is ‘my’ action.” Whatever
thought will arrive after this thought, is not in your control
either. It has been proved in the laboratory that the next
thought that you receive will happen almost half a second
before Sandra reacts to that thought and decides to either
do something or not; the thought arises half a second
before you actually react to it. That means you have
absolutely no control over the input. As we have just been
saying: we have no control over the programming. So you
have no control over the input, you have no control over
the programming, and yet you say that the output is ‘my’
decision!
Therefore, upon analysis, we discover that every
decision through a particular body/mind object is exactly
the decision that Source wants. In synthesis, even the
decision is willed and promoted by the Source and the
subsequent happening is also God’s will. That is basically
why we say: “Thy will be done.” The Source has made the
programming, giving all the inputs and the output can
only be according to God’s will. Why do all the sacred
Scriptures stress “Thy will be done.” Why? Because it is
according to God’s will that the object is born. Secondly,
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in that object God has created the genes and the
conditioning and then God also gives the input with
thoughts. How can any output be different from God’s will?
Every single output through every single human computer,
every single moment, in any place, has to be the will of
the Source. And it is on this very sound reasoning that
the Bible says: “Thy will be done.” God or Source are one
and the same, but most of the times the word God is used
mistakenly. The word God is used as the “chief executive”
of the multi-national manifestation. And this God has
various vice-presidents called Avatars. That is how the
word God is used, but for me the Source and God have the
same meaning.
If you investigate deeply, you will come to the
conclusion that every decision, and therefore every action
and its result are all entirely the will of the Source. Yet
the intellect goes on asking: “How does God’s will
function?” We can say: according to a natural law or a
cosmic law. Then the intellect in this human object objects:
“On what basis does God’s will function? On what basis
does the cosmic law function?” Human beings cannot
understand, not even in a million years. The human
intellect asks the question: “On what basis does God’s will
function? On what basis does God create a healthy child
or a handicapped child? On what basis does God create a
healthy child in a rich family or a handicapped child in a
poor family?” Human beings will never be in a position to
either know or understand this. Do you know why?
Because the one who wants to know the basis on which
the subject functions, is a mere created object. How can
an object ever know the will of the subject?
If you create a statue, a figure of a human being out of
either gold or metal, you’ll create a human figure. In that
case, you are the subject and the statue is the object. So
the object, that the subject has created, will never know
why you created the object. The human figure created by
the sculptor is not in a position to know the basis on which
the sculptor’s will works. Similarly, the human object
cannot understand or know the basis on which the pure
subject, the Source, functions. This is why we have to
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accept that nothing happens unless it is the will of God.
Whatever happens, we have to accept that it could not have
happened unless it was the will of God.
Jesus Christ happened, Mohammed happened, Moses
happened, Ramana Maharshi happened, Ramakrishna
happened. They could not have happened unless it was
the will of God. So, Jesus Christ happened because it was
the will of God, but Hitler also happened, Stalin also
happened; therefore also Hitler and Stalin could not have
happened unless it was the will of God. Why does the
Source or God produce what human beings consider good
and bad, good and evil, beautiful and ugly, the human
being cannot know. All that the human being can do, as
the German mystic Meister Eckhart said, is to: “...wonder
and marvel at the magnificence and variety of God’s
creation.” We can only accept it; we cannot question it.
So if we totally accept that whatever happens is God’s will,
and not anybody’s doing... In other words, if we are able,
by the grace of God, to accept what the Buddha said:
“Events happen, deeds are done, but there is no individual
doer thereof.” Then a space is open for the total
understanding to happen, if it is God’s will that it happens.
Events happen, deeds are done, but there is “no individual
doer’ doing anything. This means that any action, which
we think is ours, in reality, is not our action. Nobody has
‘done’ anything, but it has happened because it is the will
of God.
If Sandra is truly able to accept that no action is his
action, no action is Ramesh’s action, no action is anyone’s
action, but a happening, which had to happen at a certain
time and at a certain place because it was the will of God,
what are the changes that happen in Sandra’s state of
mind? Sandra realizes that it would be silly to blame
anybody for any action, wouldn’t it? If I’m truly able to
accept by the grace of God, as even the understanding is
God’s will, that nothing can happen unless it is God’s will,
and therefore if anything has happened, which human
beings or society consider as good or evil, if it has
happened, it could not have happened unless it was the
will of God. One thing further, whatever has happened, if
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it has not been ‘done’ by anyone, there is no one to
be blamed.
If you totally accept ‘Thy will be done’, you cannot blame
anybody, neither yourself, nor me nor he or she. So the
immediate effect of being able to accept that nothing can
happen unless it is the will of God means that you
immediately cease to blame others and have and you cease
to blame yourself or anyone for whatever happens.
Actions happen through this body/mind organism,
actions happen through every body/mind organism and I
can only see them as God’s will. Whenever an action
happens through this body/mind organism and the society
considers it a good action and honors Ramesh, the
honoring by the society as seen or heard or read, becomes
an input in Ramesh’s body/mind organism. The brain
reacts to it - strictly according to the programming and a
sense of pleasure arises; a natural, mechanical, biological
reaction. But having the total understanding that it is not
my action, that I cannot produce any action, it is therefore
not my action that has been appreciated by the society.
So, while there may arise a sense of pleasure, there does
not arise a sense of pride.
At the other extreme, an action happens through this
body mind organism, which is condemned by society for
whatever reason. It has been condemned by society. Let
us say I have hurt someone’s feelings; then the
condemnation of society is an input in my body/mind
computer. The brain reacts to society’s indignation and
the biological, mechanical reaction happens to produce a
sense of regret - a sense of regret that an action has
happened which has hurt somebody’s feelings. So in that
case a sense of regret arises, just as earlier a sense of
pleasure arose. This time a sense of regret arises, but there
is also the absolute total certainty that it is not my action,
which has been condemned by society because I know I
can do no action nor can anybody do any action.
Therefore, that action, which has been condemned by
society, happened because it was God’s will and it is not
my action. Therefore, while in this computer a sense of
regret may arise, a sense of guilt cannot arise. A sense of
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guilt or shame can never arise. Do you have any more
questions now, Sandra?
Sandra: So, also enlightenment is a happening and there is
no need of specific strenuous practices?
Ramesh: Concepts can at best only serve to negate one
another, as one thorn is used to remove another, and then
be thrown away. Only in deep silence do we leave concepts
behind. Words and language deal only with concepts, and
cannot approach Reality. Ceasing to conceptualize means
ceasing to perceive objectively, which means perceiving
non-objectively. It is to see the universe without choice or
judgment and without getting into subject-object
relationship. What happens then? Nothing, except that you
are what you were before you were born: everything. How
it happened in my particular case is not relevant for you,
Sandra. You may be programmed in a different way. There
was in your destiny to arrive here after 18 years of being
in India and in my destiny to be still alive when you came,
as I am already 88. If my concepts help you, it is
God’s will.
“Self-realization or enlightenment is nothing more than
the deepest possible understanding that there is no
individual doer of any action - neither you nor anyone
else. Also you are not the thinker of any thoughts, nor
the experiencer of an experience - they happen. When
the apparent but illusory identity called a person has
disappeared into the awareness of total potentiality that it
is and has always been, this is called enlightenment. When
IT happens, no bright lights are likely to flash in your head!
And The day that you GET IT there will be no one there to
say, “I’ve got it !” Which is just as well since there will be
no one there to hear. The only ultimate understanding is
that nothing is, not even he who understands. The
essential basis of self-realization is the total rejection of
the individual as an independent entity, whether it comes
about as a spontaneous understanding or through an utter
surrender of one’s individual existence. Self-Realization
is effortless. What you are trying to find is what you already
are. Enlightenment is total emptiness of mind. There is
nothing you can do to get it. Any effort you make can only
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be an obstruction to it. If you but cease from useless
conceptualizing, you will be what you are and what you
have always been.
For enlightenment to happen the perceiver must turn
right around and wake up to the fact that he is face to face
with his own nature - that HE IS IT. The spiritual seeker
ultimately finds that he was already at the destination,
that he himself IS what he had been seeking and he was
in fact already home. The manifest phenomenal aspect of
what we are and the unmanifest noumenal Absolute are
not different. Phenomena are what we appear to be.
Noumenon is what we ARE.
Sandra: When you say we are all three-dimensional objects
are you talking to our ego?
Ramesh: Yes. By ego, Sandra, I mean identification with a
particular body/mind and a name with a sense of volition,
doer-ship.
Sandra: I understand we are not the doers. Do coincidences
exist? Or all is predetermined?
Ramesh: Whether it is a coincidence or not, what is
relevant is that it is not my action or your action. Whether
it is a coincidence or somebody’s will, who cares? What is
the relevant point? It is not your action or my action.
Whether it is an accident or coincidence or a cosmic law,
the fact remains that it is not my action or your action.
Some power is working. Some power is bringing about the
coincidence. This power, this energy that pervades the
entire Universe makes us work like mere gadgets.
Sandra: Will I get caught up again in feelings of all kinds,
reactions and confusion?
Ramesh: Yes. If also this unstable ‘flip flop’ has to be there
by God’s will it will be there. Do not feel it is your fault.
Just accept it. Now, Sandra, tell me: who is this who feels
whatever she feels? Who is it? Is there a Sandra at all other
than a name? All I see is an object to which the name
Sandra was given. A uniquely programmed object with a
name. Who is it that likes or dislikes what she is feeling?
Who? A body mind organism, which is an object. Whatever
you decide to do will be exactly what God wants you to do
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because God has done the programming.. In other words,
the biggest freedom is: to be able to do whatever you like,
whatever you think you should do with the total conviction
that never will you have to ask God’s forgiveness or that
you could ever have made a mistake.
The freedom is not only to do what you’d like; the real
freedom is that you can do whatever you like without the
danger of ever having to beg God’s forgiveness for a sin or
excuse yourself with your meditation technique teacher
if your body does not allow you to proceed the way you
had planned. Never will you have to excuse yourself or
find fault with yourself, neither now, nor in the future,
nor on your deathbed. Whatever you decide to do, at any
moment, cannot be against God’s will. Any decision of
yours is God’s will, what happens to the decision, as an
action, is God’s will. The results and consequences of that
action are God’s will, whoever may be affected by those
results or consequences. That is why I say you’ll never
ever have to ask for God’s forgiveness for any action, for it
is not your action. What more freedom can you want?
Sandra: Thank you, you have really lightened the burden.
And made clear all the teachings received up to now.
Ramesh: It is God’s will that the concept appeals to you
and gratitude arises. Let me tell you one thing, Sandra,
What has happened by listening to my concepts? Sandra
has been receiving a fresh conditioning. This additional
conditioning may change your attitude toward life. What
Sandra has received in these two days, listening to my
concepts, is a new conditioning, which could change or
amend Sandra’s existing and past conditioning, but if the
past conditioning is to be amended by this new
conditioning, it is only a happening willed by God or
Cosmic Law.”
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C H A P T E R 24
The Last Blow to the Coconut
“When the individual self, the ego, dies,
the sense of consciousness as ‘I’ and ‘you’ also dies,
and only the universal Awareness, as pure Being, remains.
That remaining universal Awareness, which is the One Self,
is both the location and the source of
all happiness and peace.
It is freedom. This is itself enlightenment,
it is the natural state.”
After the first two Satsangs, I flew back home and all
the threads of the teaching naturally and spontaneously
started connecting in a mirror like reflection at the front
of my mind, like a film I was witnessing. In the heart there
was sweet calmness and no thoughts were pestering it.
The clarity that effort was not the way, but that the mind
may turn inwards not because of any action or practice,
but purely as a movement in Consciousness, an
impersonal happening and not an achievement of
“enlightenment” was gently flowering in the heart and I
was witnessing the gentle gushes of the wind of clarity
sweeping away all the clutches of the old conditioning. It
was a joyful and peaceful stillness, no counter-questions,
simple acceptance that irradiated so much peace that tears
were often silently flowing as the deepest sense of relief
was gradually setting in. As in a film I was watching all
the threads effortlessly linking, in the peaceful and natural
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witnessing of how the so-called seeking had started by a
Higher Force and how amazingly It was erasing the
confusion by discarding all the previous steps, yet
accepting them gratefully as steps to the unfolding of
Truth. None had been my choice and none was a mistake,
none was the result of striving: happenings opening doors
to wider spaces. Something “outside of myself,” and not
me as an interested seeker, a reader of too many books,
the one who practiced sadhana awaiting for some rewards
that never happened to fill up the cup. ‘Carrots for the
donkey’ were the tiny flashes that happened whenever I
was not seeking or stressing my body to practice mudras.
Clarity had dawned and I did not care to label it as this or
that. I was simply out of confusion and this gave me great
peace: becoming enlightened had never been my worry,
yet I knew the terms ‘becoming’ and ‘attaining’ had to be
erased completely and this understanding, removing an
enormous load of responsibility, simply relaxed all worries
and tensions and happiness found the door open.
I re-read with great interest Consciousness Speaks and
underlined: “As the very nature of the mind is movement,
any effort to control the mind itself leads to frustration and
thereby the strengthening of the ego. Self enquiry must
necessarily begin with the “me” and the mind-intellect, but
in such an enquiry the intellect unwittingly lays a trap,
conceals it with a lot of concepts, builds an elephant pit, and
then falls in it itself! The quantum leap out of this conceptual
elephant pit, cannot result from any effort, it can only happen
when the “me” gets annihilated. Further, spontaneity and
naturalness cannot be “achieved” either by trying or trying
not to try! Effort - or an effort not to make an effort- is based
on desire or volition, which is an aspect of the “me-concept”
or the ego. Spontaneity is the absence of the mind.”
I compared the teaching of Nisargadatta Maharaj where
he says that understanding is all that is needed and no
part of the activity could be considered volitional effort.
The understanding, the unshakable conviction of one’s
true nature itself was all that mattered for the
transformation to take place, and even any effort to
remember the understanding is an obstruction.”
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Wisdom Piercing the Heart
For years I had been conditioned to believe that
whatever I wanted in life I had to work hard for it, and in
the spiritual arena, that realization could only happen
through personal effort, discipline, practice of yoga,
meditation and constant sadhana. What a relief reading,
hearing and perceiving that any effort by a “me” could
well be counterproductive! The blinding truth of the
teaching poured into my heart without doubts or questions
arising from the mind, and I felt a joyful relief and
gratefulness to the Source for this understanding.
Sheer joy created an opportunity to go again to
Arunachala and sit quietly in Ramana’s Ashram. It was
August and as hot as hell. On the warm stones of the sacred
mountain, I would sit with four books at hand, one of
Ramesh, one of Nisargadatta, one by Wei Wu Wei and one
of Ramana. I had included also Wei Wu Wei as Ramesh’s
book THE ULIMATE UNDERSTANDING, was linking his
own understanding also to Wei Wu Wei. The four books
would be all open on my knees. Please don’t laugh at the
picture, but this is how it really happened. I was smiling
to myself and could see Ramana’s twinkling eyes
everywhere. One morning, when I came out of the room
where Ramana usually gave His satsangs, at a certain
point I felt like a hand wanting to push me into that famous
open well near the samadhi shrine. No one had touched
me. From the tickling I felt in the heart, I knew it may
have appeared so hilariously funny that Ramana’s energy
or Shiva from inside Arunachala, the Self, jokingly wanted
to drawn me and my four books in the open well, as the
reading had to end. I myself was feeling like the tomato
salad between the spiritual ‘Club-Sandwich’ of 4 layers of
Sages’ bread. But I wanted to finish the job of linking it
all. The comparing ended in only 3 days.
I honestly could not find the principle of no mind in
Ramana’s teachings, and many terms I had to understand
and convert to more suitable ones, like surrender being
so subtle, I turned into total acceptance and all made
sense at last.
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From Ramana’s talks I underlined that once there was
total acceptance – surrender, there would be no one to
ask questions to and nothing to think of. The way to do it
was by holding on to the root thought ‘I’, if not one
eliminates either all thoughts surrendering oneself
unconditionally to a Higher Power. And these were the
only two ways for Realization. The control of prana which
is yoga, and the control of mind which is jnana these are
the two principal means for the destruction of mind. You
have already quoted this from Ramana. The wise ones say:
of the three grades of qualified aspirants, the highest reach
the goal by making the mind firm in the Self, through the
process of determining the nature of the real, by Vedantic
enquiry, and by looking upon one’s self and all things as
of the nature of the real; the mediocre by making the mind
stay in the heart and meditating for a long time on the
real, and the lowest grade, by gaining that state in a
gradual manner through breath-control, etc.”
I bowed to Arunachala confirming the teaching and
surrendered all my concepts.
Via Ramesh, Consciousness had pushed in the true
meaning of total acceptance: “Acceptance is more of a
jnana process, and surrender is more of a bhakti process,
and dispassion is another term for the same two processes
and they really mean: living in the present moment without
being attached to anything.”
It all seemed to add up that all we could ‘do’ was to
concentrate on the working mind, thus blocking the
conceptualizing and worrying mind, called the ‘thinking
mind’ and all would happen by itself at the right moment
if we were destined to enjoy, and with less nervous strain.
In synthesis: all dualism is illusion, all action is
spontaneous and all volition is an illusion.
Seeing the illusoriness of volition makes all action
automatically spontaneous. It needs no effort through any
discipline or practices or devices such as repeated
affirmations of any formulas or words as what we are to
perceive is already there. He also reminds us that the
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Wisdom Piercing the Heart
Chinese philosophy calls all effort to realize the Tao as
“putting legs on a snake” because “everything is Tao’.
It was thanks to comparing Ramesh’s teaching, and I
quote: “The real difficulty is this conceived operation of
the destruction of the “me” as a positive effort is that the
“me” cannot be destroyed as long as its duration is not
destroyed. All thought is spontaneous and any effort at
controlling thought would only make matters worse” and
I found the confirmation I needed about the teaching, in
different terms, by Nisargadatta: “We are to realize the one
Mover behind all that moves and leave all to Him. Total
acceptance is the shortest way to reality. “Stand without
desire and fear, relinquishing all control and
responsibility. This is divine madness. You are addicted
to doership. Give up your addiction. There is nothing else
to give up. Stop your habit of looking for results and
freedom will be yours. You are always seeking pleasure,
avoiding pain, always after happiness and peace. The
ending of this pattern is the end of the self. The ending of
the self with its desires and fears enables you to return to
your real nature, the source of all happiness and peace.
Don’t you see that it is your search for happiness that
makes you feel miserable? Try the other way: indifferent
to pain and pleasure, neither asking nor refusing, give
all your attention to the level on which ‘I am’ is timelessly
present.”
It was from Wei Wu Wei’s short quotes that I could really
roll with laughter at my dramatic long term confusion:
Are we not wasps who spend all day in a fruitless attempt
to traverse a window-pane,
while the other half of the window is wide open?
There was no brooding and no confusion. Only awe.
Silence.
The jigsaw puzzle was over.
I packed the books saying, “Ok, now it has to happen
by the grace of God. No more reading no more worrying
that I am choosing between effort or non effort. Clarity is
there. Thanks for the rest. If it is given, good. If it does not
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happen, I couldn’t care less. I’ll enjoy India with all her
colours, monkeys, beggars, stinky lanes with jumping
frogs during monsoon, the Allah Akbar waking me up at
five am and stones which are too hot to walk barefoot under
the midday sun!
Be still.
Do nothing.
Be as you are.
“Simply remain present as you are. Fully accept what
occurs as it occurs, just as it is presently occurring.
Totally let go into your own being. Be fully centered
in the now-presence of your own being, prior to what
is occurring, and just let it occur. It’s all occurring in
your presence. It’s occurring through you, or from
you as an expression of you, but not you as an
‘individual’, rather you as the One Self.” Part V
Ramana Maharshi

Complete clarity was dawning at last, yet soon an What Are We Talking About?
unexpected thunderstorm threw me into mental chaos and
all “plans” were scattered. Had I not received the boon of
the teaching to breathe knowing God is constantly
breathing from the crown chakra and the divine love that
sustains the atoms and cells of the body and mind, I do
not think I could have gone through the fire God took me
through, to burn whatever remnants had to be burnt.
When the Lord of Life grants us His love and Grace we
are to lose name, family and all we have, but we gain in
total peace as He has done His job to annihilate the ego.
Sometimes thunderstorms are the only way, the only
means to push us and to settle us within the peaceful
amniotic liquid of the Divine Womb.
A loving relationship with all my only best friends, God,
Saints, Masters still warms and softens this beautiful
adventure as God in a human form and, although not often
in their presence, are all beacons of love and light in
my heart.

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C H A P T E R 25

Sages

“Sentient beings are in essence buddhas

It is like water and ice. There is no ice without water;
There are no buddhas outside sentient beings.
What a shame, sentient beings seek afar,
Not knowing what is at hand. It is like wailing from thirst
In the midst of water.”

The Sage lives in complete awareness of the fact that

there is no individual doing anything, whether it be
writing, walking, talking or anything else. Thus, he may
be said to walk a thousand miles without setting foot
outside of his house or speaking for forty years without
saying a word. In reality, the Ultimate Understanding is
living one’s life as a Sage. The Ultimate Understanding of
non-doership - Self-realization - does not mean the total
annihilation of the ego. Ramesh explains that, “This
cannot happen for the simple reason that the ego is
necessary even for the Sage to live the rest of his allotted
span of life. The Sage responds to his name being called
and functions as an individual entity in his chosen role
in life. But the ego of the Sage is without any sting because
the sense of personal doership has been annihilated.”
In the words of Ramana Maharshi, “The ego of the Sage
is like the “remnants of a burnt rope” - absolutely helpless

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and harmless. The realized Sage, the jivan-mukta, is the
stage of knowing, while still in the body, that you are really
the eternal non-dual self and knowing further that the
self is never embodied, since the body is not ultimately
real, a reflection in a mirror where the world appears and
exists, yet not real.”
All Sages stress that the so-called liberation arises from
knowledge, not from dropping the body. Knowledge alone
is the necessary and sufficient condition for liberation
from bondage of ignorance. Although many Advaitins like
Sankara, stress that meditation is a helpful support for
attaining liberation, yet not all Sages agree as it is still
an action of a deluded individual believing himself the
doer and anchored in the dualistic realm of means and
ends.
Ramana Maharshi said, “I am not the body; I am
Brahman, which is manifest as the Self. In me who am the
plenary Reality, the world consisting of bodies etc., are
mere appearance, like the blue of the sky. He who has
realized the truth thus is a jivan-mukta. Yet, so long as
his mind has not been dissolved, there may arise some
misery for him because of his relation to objects on account
of prarabdha, which is karma that has begun to fructify,
the result of which is the present body. So long as the ripples
on the mind have not quietened down, the experience of
bliss cannot surface from within. The experience of Self is
possible only for a mind that has become subtle and
unmoving as a result of prolonged meditation. He who is
thus endowed with a mind that has become subtle, and
who has the experience of the Self is called a jivan-mukta.
It is the state of jivan-mukti that is referred to as the
attributeless Brahman and as the Turiya. When even the
subtle mind gets resolved, and experience of self ceases,
and when one is immersed in the ocean of bliss and has
become one with it without any differentiated existence,
one is called a videha-mukta. It is the state of videha-mukti
that is referred to as the transcendent attributeless
Brahman and as the transcendent Turiya. This is the final
goal. Because of the grades in misery and happiness, the
released ones, the jivan-muktas and videha-muktas, may be
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Sages
spoken of as belonging to four categories: Brahmavid, vara,
variyan, and varishtha. But these distinctions are from the
standpoint of the others who look at them; in reality,
however, there are no distinctions in release gained
through jnana.”
When Nisargadatta Maharaj was asked what his outlook
was, this was his answer, “My present outlook is without
limitation, total freedom. Those who come here with the
idea of improving their spiritual knowledge, come with a
desire to seek while the seeker must disappear. It is not
possible for you to acquire knowledge, you are knowledge.
You are what you are seeking. Your true being exists prior
to the arising of any concept. Can you, as an object,
understand something that existed prior to the arising of
a concept? In the absence of Consciousness is there any
proof of the existence of the existence of anything?
Consciousness itself is mind, thought, all phenomena and
all manifestation. Apprehending this is being dead to “I
am the body” while alive. This kind of knowledge comes
only in a rare case, and it is a very elusive kind of
knowledge where no effort is necessary; in fact, effort itself
is a hindrance. It is intuitive understanding
When asked how it was to live as a Sage, Ramesh S.
Balsekar has specified: “At a biological level nothing
changes in a Sage. The ego must exist as long as a human
being is alive, so also a Sage has an ego as long as the
Sage lives. A Sage sees something and there is bound to
be a reaction of likes and dislikes yet, contrary to what
happens in most people, the ego of the Sage is not
concerned if anger arises. Anger is a biological reaction
over which not even a Sage has any control. In the case of
a Sage there is the witnessing of the biological reaction
and no involvement, as the final conditioning has
transformed the previous conditioning. At brain level there
is a biological reaction. Fear may arise, yet the Sage’s ego
witnesses a reaction in the body mind organism and,
contrary to any ordinary person, the Sage witnesses the
biological reaction happening and does not react, while,
whenever an ordinary person feels angry, he may feel upset
for having felt anger as he gets involved in the biological
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reaction. Whenever compassion arises in the Sage there
is no ostentation, no pride. The biological reaction of anger
is merely witnessed by the ego of the Sage, as something
separate from his reality. Having totally accepted that the
Source is the only doer, the Sage is constantly at peace,
but equally, he is just like any ordinary person, a body-
mind-computer programmed by Source registered as
destiny in his genes. Therefore, the genes in a Sage may
bring about an action, which could even be condemned
by the society or even by the law of the Country. So, the
Sage’s actions may result in some recognition from society,
but also condemnation, yet the Sage is not involved in
the results, as he knows he is not the doer: sometimes
there may arise a sense of pleasure, a sense of regret, but
never pride and arrogance, guilt and shame. The Sage
does not even react if an action of his is condemned. The
Sage accepts it with a sense of regret, but as it has
happened, the Sage has to accept the result of that
condemned action.
“Whenever an action of some other body-mind
mechanism happens to hurt me, it may cause some
physical, psychological or financial unbalance, but having
totally accepted that there are no individual doers, I never
feel either hatred or malice. No power on earth can hurt
me and I have no fear, nor do I ever feel either jealousy or
envy for something, which God has created and allotted
to others. Whatever happens in life is accepted: sometimes
pain and sometimes pleasure, but the Sage bears no load
of pride and arrogance, guilt and shame, hatred and malice
or jealousy and envy. On the other hand, whenever one
thinks it is his/her doing, success means pride and
arrogance, failure means guilt, shame, resentment. But
when has happened the total acceptance and deep
understanding that your doing was not really your doing,
but only a happening, success means a simple arising of
pleasure, where there is no shadow of pride nor arrogance;
failure merely means an arising of a sense of regret, but
no frustration, guilt or shame. Therefore, instead of fighting
against the flow of life, the Sage can smoothly follow the
flow of life with no stress and no anxiety; totally
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Sages
comfortable with himself and with others. Peace is always
there, but it is this load, which obstructs the apperception
of the presence of peace.
“As whenever a Sage is called by name, he responds to
his name being called. This means that also a Sage is
identified with a particular body and name as a separate
entity. An ordinary man also responds to his name being
called, yet the difference lies in the fact that, while the
ordinary man believes everyone is a doer of his or her
action and is therefore responsible for it, the Sage is
convinced that no one does anything. All actions are
divine happenings. There is no need to fear a jnani. He
sees exactly as you see. If there are ten different people he
sees them as ten different forms and shapes. But what he
knows is that in those ten different shapes what functions
is the same Consciousness. The differences are seen as
differences, but what is seen at the same time is the unity
in diversity. Suppose that you have ten different
photographs of yourself taken in ten different costumes,
including a woman’s dress. For anybody who sees them
they’ll see ten different people, not only ten different
costumes, but ten different people. But, you’ll know it is
the same person. So what the jnani knows is that all these
appearances are different, but what functions in those
appearances is the same Unity - which the ordinary person
doesn’t know. Basically, apart from this witnessing and
non-witnessing, the underlying fact that I have noticed
with enlightenment is that there are no expectations
and no wants, which creates a sense of peace - waiting
for whatever is to happen to happen. That does not mean
thoughts of expectations don’t arise. They arise. The
curious part of it is that many of them do get satisfied.
Whenever such a thing happens, a tremendous surge of
gratitude arises.”
SAGES’ CHARACTERISTICS
Christian, Buddhist, Hindu, and Yoga literature is
replete with the description of the changes that
spontaneously occur by consequence of the total
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understanding. These are just some of the symptoms of • All acts being aesthetic and refined – such a person’s
gradual enlightenment, not an exhaustive list but a walk is a dance and the normal gesticulation is a
demonstrative one. As to full enlightenment: think of any divine mudra that attracts all
limits and finites there are in your being, once they have • Not identifying with body states; not being mentally
dropped, you will know what enlightenment is. affected by the presence of disease which is understood
Some of these are: as a mere chemical reaction in the body’s test tube
• Seeking no return for one’s selfless acts • Carefully concealing one’s spiritual attainments
• Feeling there is no need to defend oneself • Ability to know the minds of others but not exhibiting
• Having no fears that ability – only using it to help others.
• No differentiation between one form of life or another When powers over nature, siddhis, present themselves,
• Awareness of the totality of consciousness in the entire the true Sage ignores them, and renounces them.
universe simultaneously
• Easy access to knowledge -mastery over the three states
of consciousness – wakefulness, dream and sleep -
mastery over desires.
• Sense experiences being viewed as doorways to inward
perception – all sensations on the body surface
becoming pathways to enter the inward consciousness
• Absolute compassion -non-violence - inability to
become angry -Sensitivity to what is causing someone
to become frustrated
• Total annihilation of ego,= utmost humility
• Never becoming agitated = a peaceful presence
radiating and pacifying those who come in contact –
mildness
• Forgetting instantly whatever benevolence one has
conferred
• Total concentration and absorption resulting in
equanimity
• Ability to remain on both shores simultaneously – fully
merged while acting in the world and ability to guide
one or a million persons all over the world, as one
transcends the boundaries of space and time. Mastery
over the forces of time – and even choosing the time of
one’s apparent so-called death, and leaving the body
consciously

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C H A P T E R 26
Stages of Consciousness
In order to be effective truth must penetrate
like an arrow
and that is likely to hurt.
Complete Enlightenment and Total Understanding of
Reality is a rare phenomenon and a partial awakening
does not mean one is a Self-realized being. There are three
basic stages of inner expansion:
• Awakening to Pure Awareness - the State of Presence
behind the mind.
• Awakening to the Absolute State -unity with the
unmanifested.
• Awakening of the Heart - expansion into the Divine.
In the first level of Consciousness it is the ego that
replaces Consciousness and is under the illusion that it
is the perceiver and therefore there is a subject observing
the world of manifestation. In this case, mountains and
rivers are seen as separate realities. In the second level of
Consciousness the awakening process allows the ego to
realize the whole world is just like a dream and unreal,
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Stages of Consciousness
his ego becomes more aware of the Presence of
Consciousness within, and gradually an inner
transformation takes place. When understanding rises to
this level, there is a release of pressure generated by his
own ego and a sense of freedom appears on the surface of
Consciousness. Yet he wants to convince the whole world
to see the world in the same way as he does. He has the
desire to teach others, telling them what to do and how to
change. He still hasn’t realized that no matter how
illuminated he is, he cannot pass his experiences to others
nor can he change anyone, as real change can only come
from within each person.
In the final awakening stage, the Sage has realized that
everything that he sees depends on Consciousness, the
pure impersonal level of Consciousness that permeates
everyone and everything. The Sage has realized and
accepted totally that as an ego he cannot perceive
anything, as everything he becomes aware of is perceived
and created by Consciousness, and that all he may perceive
around him, is perceived not by his thinking self - the
ego, because the true perceiver in him is Impersonal
Consciousness Itself, since the Creator of manifestation
and the Created manifestation are both the same.
Impersonal Consciousness is the creator and
Consciousness is the perceiver. This level of awakening
is what is sometimes referred to as enlightenment.
Sages tell us that awakening means the sudden,
instantaneous, intuitive and therefore subjective
perception that the subject-object relationship is totally
the mere fruit of imagination, and that in reality, subject
and object do not exist except as illusions, interpreted in
a dualistic approach and, like any product of the mind,
they are based on concepts that can change. All Sages
recognize this and also agree in saying that in reality there
is neither a perceiver nor a perception – there is only the
act of perceiving, which is the subjective aspect of
Consciousness, called sometimes Unicity, pure
Consciousness.
“The Practical Advaita and the Theoretical Advaita are
very different. In the Theoretical Advaita, the Self is
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the only reality, there is no Path and we are all already
awakened. But Practical Advaita knows that there is a
long way to go before the truth of these statements can
become our living truth.”
Ramesh stresses, “Awakening means that total
disappearance of all phenomenal problems, resulting in a
perpetual feeling of total freedom from all worries. It is a
feeling of lightness, of floating in the air, untouched by
the impurity and confusion of the split mind. It is as if the
very root of all the problems has been demolished, as if
Hydra has been fatally pierced in the heart to prevent the
heads from growing again and again.”
The hardest part of the evolution is the process of
eliminating concepts. It is quite a challenge and slippery
route. Concepts pop up unwanted. Concepts are deeply
in-grooved, yet Sages of the calibre of Ramana Maharshi,
Nisargadatta Maharaja and Ramesh Balsekar state that
introspection and self-analysis are the life forces, which
may allow the seeker to shift towards harmony and balance
because it is in the very nature of Self-enquiry to do so.
From the height of his total understanding Ramesh
underlines that, “As three dimensional objects or
mechanisms, we only have the choice of consciously
aligning ourselves with the flow of life, or remaining in
ignorance and resisting the natural order of the flow of
life. To choose the latter means to remain disconnected
from our own personal processes, our own Source, as well
as the flow of life.”
Nisargadatta’s explanation is simplicity itself, “Once you
realize that the world is your own projection, you are free
of it. You need not free yourself of a world that does not
exist, except in your own imagination! Whatever the picture
is, beautiful or ugly, you are painting it and you are not
bound by it. Realize that there is nobody to force it on you,
that it is due to the habit of taking the imaginary to be real.
See the imaginary as imaginary and be free of fear. What
begins and ends is mere appearance. The world can be
said to appear, but not to be. The appearance may last very
long on some scale of time, and very short on another, but
ultimately it comes to the same. Nisargadatta Maharaj used
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to say that it is not possible to know what we are – we can
only BE. And used to define what we are as the absence of
“presence-and-absence. Or in other words:
1) The conceptual bondage arises only because each
human phenomenon assumes himself to be an
independent entity. As such he considers himself to
be an independent entity. As such he considers himself
subject to the bonds of space-time as something
tangible and extraneous to his own existence.
2) Noumenality and phenomenality are identical in the
sense that noumenality is immanent in
phenomenality. Phenomenality has no nature of its
own other than noumenality. Noumenality must, at the
same time, transcend phenomenality because
noumenality is all there is. Phenomenality is merely
the objective aspect of noumenality. It is the
identification of noumenality with each separate
phenomenon, thus producing a pseudo-object out of
what is merely the operational element in a
phenomenal object that produces the phantom of an
autonomous individual, the ego, which considers itself
to be in conceptual bondage. The phenomenal
functioning as such is quite impersonal, and the
illusory entity is wholly unnecessary therein, its place
being merely that of an apparatus or mechanism. The
impersonal experiencing of both pain and pleasure,
and it is only when the experience is interpreted by
the pseudo-subject, as the experiencer experiencing
the experience in duration, that the experiencing loses
its intemporal, impersonal element of functioning and
assumes the duality of objectivisation as subject/
object.
3) What we are, as noumenon, is intemporal, infinite,
imperceptible being. What we appear to be as a
phenomena, is temporal, finite, sensorially perceptible
separate objects. Truly, we are illusory figments in
consciousness. The fact that we, as separate, illusory
entities absurdly expect to be able to transform
ourselves into enlightened being, shows the extent of
the conditioning to which we have been subjected. How
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can a phenomenon, a mere appearance, perfect itself?
Only dis-identification with the supposed entity can
bring the transformation.
4) It would seem that the mechanism of living is based
on the belief that everything happens in life is the result
of acts of volition by the concerned phenomenal
objects, the sentient beings. Yet this would be an
incorrect belief because it can be clearly seen that
human beings react to an outside stimulus rather than
act volitionally. Their living is primarily a sequence of
reflexes that hardly leaves any room for what might be
considered as acts of will or volition. Their way of life
is very much conditioned by instinct, habit,
propaganda and the latest “fashion”. More
fundamentally, the fact is that volition is nothing more
than an illusory inference, a mere demonstration, a
futile gesture by an energized “me-concept”. Apart from
psychosomatic mechanism, there is just no entity to
exercise volition. All there is, is the impersonal
functioning and the inexorable chain of causation. In
the absence of an entity – redundant in the absence of
volition-, who is there to exercise the illusory volition
and who is there to experience the results of it? Who is
there to be liberated? The deepest possible
understanding of those basics of the Teaching leads
to spontaneous and “non-volitional living. That is the
experiencing of the Teaching, the experiencing, which
is noumenal living. The experiencing soon leads to
the immense awakening that this life is a great dream.
Then we are enveloped in an overpowering sense of
self-effacing unity. What can be left thereafter but the
non-volitional witnessing of all that happens during
the remainder of our allotted span? Such non
volitional-witnessing – witnessing all that happens
without judging – arises along with non-objective
relation both to oneself and others. A non- objective
relation to oneself occurs when there is no thought of
oneself as an object of any kind, physical or psychic.
To know what one is without the slightest need of any
explanation from anyone, to have the deepest possible
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conviction that oneself is totally devoid of “any trace-
element of objectivity”, is to experience the Teaching.
The total lack of any objective quality can only mean
the absence of the very concept of both presence and
the absence of the perceptible and the conceivable. A
non-objective relation to oneself naturally results in
a non-objective relation to others, which means
ceasing to regard all phenomena, sentient or
insentient, as objects. The result is the elimination of
the misunderstanding known as ignorance, which in
effect means the realization of our true nature. It is
only when the phenomenal self is absent that the
noumenal “I” can be present.
Ramesh clarifies on the basis of his own experience,
“The final stage of Self-enquiry is reached when an
effortless awareness “I am” prevails, though not
continuously. Self-realization is when the effortless
awareness is constant, but the important point is that this
state cannot be achieved for the simple reason that the
“me” who is supposed to make the effort is on his way to
annihilation. Self-realization or Enlightenment is nothing
more than the deepest possible understanding that there
is no individual doer of any action - neither you nor
anyone else. Also you are not the thinker of any thoughts,
nor the experiencer of an experience - they happen. When
IT happens, no bright lights are likely to flash in your head!
The joke is, as Nisargadatta Maharaj used to say, that all
there is, is Consciousness, therefore what Consciousness
is seeking as Its source is Itself. The search goes no till
there is apperception that Consciousness is the I awareness
that cannot be aware of Itself because awareness knows
no self of which it could be aware. How can ‘I’ be known?
I cannot. How can ‘I’ be experienced? I cannot. Only God
can be experienced because He is my concept, my object.
But when conceptualizing is in abeyance – the mind is
fasting – and time and space are also in abeyance together
with all the concepts, I AM all that you are as my “self”;
how can I have any other? When the shadow of the ultimate
object has disappeared, leaving nothing sensorially
perceptible to be found, what remains, is what I am (and
what you are).”
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Strangely enough both Ramana Maharshi and
Nisargadatta Maharaj speak of witnessing their death:
Nisargadatta Maharaj, during one of his usual talks with
his visitors, stressed that for the full realization of the Self,
it was necessary to witness one’s own death. He said that
it had happened to him after he thought that he had fully
realized the Self, and it wasn’t until after this death
experience that he understood that this process was
necessary for final liberation.
As a boy of seventeen, Ramana sat alone in a room in
his uncle’s house overcome by a powerful premonition of
death. There was nothing wrong with his health. He just
suddenly felt that he was going to die. Instead of trying to
escape this primordial fear, instead of running for help or
seeking some distraction, he simply lay down and
experienced the fear in all of its intensity and detail. In
his own words, he describes this experience as follows.
“The shock of death made me at once introspective. I
said to myself mentally, ‘Now death is coming. What does
it mean? What is it that dies? This body dies.’ As I said so
to myself, symptoms of death followed, yet I remained
conscious of the inert bodily condition as well as of the ‘I’
quite apart from it. On stretching the limbs they became
rigid, breath had stopped, and there was hardly any
symptom of life in the body.
‘Well, then,’ I said to myself, ‘This body is dead. It will
be carried off to the burning ground and reduced to ashes.
But with the death of the body, am ‘I’ dead? This body
cannot be the ‘I’, for it now lies silent and inert, while I
feel the full force of my personality, of the ‘I’ existing by
itself—apart from the body. So, ‘I’ am the Spirit, a thing
transcending the body.’ All this was not a mere
intellectual process. It flashed before me vividly as living
truth, a matter of indubitable and direct experience, which
has continued from that moment right up to this time.”
Non-Dual teachings bring us to impersonal witnessed
action, which implies that it is spontaneous, natural, and
effortless. As when the total and ultimate understanding
is given by the Source, all action simply and freely flows
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Stages of Consciousness
through us. Eventually it has been accepted it is not our
action and the state of mind where nothing is desired, but
all accepted will result in actions perfectly appropriate to
time and place. These flowing, natural actions serve the
purpose of greater harmony and balance even in the case
of a sadhak steeped in non-action and stillness.
Ramesh punctually clarifies, “No one can get
enlightenment. This is the very root of the teaching. It
means that it’s stupid for any so-called Master to ask
anyone to do anything to achieve or get enlightenment.
The core of this simple statement means, according to my
concept, that enlightenment is the annihilation of the “one”
who “wants” enlightenment. If there is enlightenment-
which can only happen because it is the will of God-then
it means that the “one” who had earlier wanted
enlightenment has been annihilated. So no “one” can
achieve enlightenment, and therefore no “one” can enjoy
enlightenment. If you think it is in your control, I suggest
that you go after a million dollars instead of
enlightenment, because if you get the million dollars then
there will be someone to enjoy that million dollars. But if
you go after enlightenment and enlightenment happens,
there will be no “one” to enjoy enlightenment. The basic
split of duality happens in Consciousness Itself, as a part
of the process of perceiving the manifestation. For any
manifestation to exist, it has to be observed. For observing
to happen an observed object and an observer object are
required. This duality between the observer object and the
observed object is the basic split. In the human, the split
goes even deeper into the dualism of “me” and the other.
The observer object assumes the subjectivity of the
Absolute or Totality or God, saying, “I am the subject, the
rest of the world is my object.” The moment the “me” and
the other come into play, duality gets further subdivided
into dualism. The observer object considers himself the
observer subject, the experiencer, the doer.
“Enlightenment is merely the reverse process where the
pseudo-subject realizes that there cannot be a separate
entity and the body-mind can only function as an
instrument in the manifestation of Totality. When the
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sense of doership is lost, dualism is restored to its basic

C H A P T E R 27
duality. Duality is an essential mechanism in
phenomenality. Enlightenment is thus nothing but the
reverse process from dualism to duality, the end of the
sense of personal doership. There is the deepest possible A Few Hints on Advaita
realization that the individual human being is not a
separate entity, but merely an instrument through which
Totality or God functions. That is all it really means, a
transformation from oneself as doer to an absence of the
sense of doership.”

Everything cognized is just what is called ‘mind’,

And what is called ‘mind’ is just the cognizing of everything.

“Maya tricks us with regard to our selves” Life itself is

an ethereal substance in search of a vehicle of some kind
to express its intangible and immaterial nature, and the
invisible.
Advaita, in Sanskrit, means “non-duality”; a state that
can be ascribed to God or the Absolute alone. It is not
accessible to reason, for the ego-bound mind in the
waking condition cannot step out of the duality of the
subject-object relationship. The concept of non-duality
has acquired meaning in the West through the latest
discoveries of nuclear physics. Advaita-Vedànta,
represents one of the three systems of thought in Vedânta
and its most important representative is Shankara.
Advaita-Vedànta teaches that the manifest creation and
God are identical. Similarly particle physicists have
discovered that matter consists of continually moving
fields of energy, just as millennia ago the rishis, the Sages

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of Vedânta, recognized that reality consists of energy in
the form of Consciousness and therfore Brahman is realized
to be one’s true self. This self is not tied to the body or
intellect and is free from all limitation and sorrow. Such
knowledge rises through proper understanding and not
by devotion or works.
Vivekananda used to say that Advaita is the only
philosophical system, which may give man complete
understanding and freedom as it removes all dependence
on superstitions and ignorance. Advaita Vedanta is the
most influential Hindu philosophy and as in all forms of
Vedanta, it attempts to synthesize the teachings of the
Upanishads into a single coherent doctrine, yet unlike
other forms of Vedanta, it teaches that there exists only
Consciousness or the Source and everything else is
simply illusory. Advaita Vedanta is closely associated with
Jñana Yoga, the yoga of knowledge.
The core of Advaita is that all life, all manifestation, is
part of an inseparable whole, an interconnected organic
unity, which arises from a deep, mysterious, and
essentially unexplainable Source, which is all that exists.
Everything conceivable is contained within this principle.
Western translators have compared this concept of
Consciousness to the idea of God, Universal Mind, or
Absolute Reality, but whatever the name it really makes
no difference. Advaita Vedanta is also referred to as non-
dualism, non-duality, monism, Mayavada, or the Sankara
philosophy, but is generally abbreviated into “Advaita” or
“Vedanta.”
This principle, which is the fundamental principle of
the Upanishads on which Advaita is based, can be
expressed for a Western mind in terms of an equation:
Atman or Soul = Brahman or God = There is only one
awareness, Brahman and all the rest is Maya, illusions
Advaitic wisdom is organized around several key
principles and, like any philosophical outlook, presents a
way of seeing and understanding reality. The path
includes both the way in which we perceive the world
around us and also the way in which we interact with life.
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A Few Hints on Advaita
The manner in which we perceive reality influences our
way of being in the world, our path of action. Further non-
dualism views the universe and all of its manifestations
as operating according to a set of unchanging, natural
laws. As an inseparable part of Consciousness, human
beings can gain knowledge of these laws and become
attuned to them and aligning with these principles
provides a universal perspective. Comprehending these
truths allows one to live in harmony with Consciousness
and life becomes a full expression of that Consciousness.
According to Advaita, only the innermost part of us is
aware or conscious. Nothing other than the Atman can
do, feel, see or know anything, therefore the atman is the
only reality in all of us. By investigating the “Who am I” or
the opposite technique, “Who is the doer?” as well as our
surroundings; by remembering that we are part of an
interconnected whole, and by remaining still until action
is called forth, we can perform a valuable service in the
world. When we become aware, if only momentarily, of the
oneness of everything then we will analyse who is the
actual doer of any action and be able to discriminate on
the – who am I-. Eventually detachment will drop by itself,
and actions will be spontaneous and effortless, allowing
us to flow with life. As a natural consequence we will
intuitively know that actions, which are not ego-motivated,
but in response to the needs of the environment, lead
toward harmonious balance and give ultimate meaning
and “purpose” to our lives. Such actions are attuned to
the deepest flow of life itself. What distinguishes Advaita
from other interpretations of the Upanishads is that Advaita
asserts that since there is only one Brahman, there is only
one Atman. There’s only one “me” and we all share it. -
We are all one, all that exists is Brahman.
Ramesh stresses, “The comprehension of Truth cannot
be dualistic. There exists no apperceiver and no object
apperceived. There only exists ‘apperceiving’. Truth is that
which lies in a dimension beyond the reach of thought.
Realization is a happening in Consciousness where
Consciousness arises out of It’s own will and where a
deeper understanding happens which allows one to totally
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accept the non-doership of the ego. The ego will gradually
have less strength. If you answer a child his basic questions
on creation, “Who made me?” saying, “God has created
you.” The child will immediately ask, “Then who made
God?” This continues ad infinitum, because all opposites
and all complementaries are the distinctive feature of the
mechanism of duality in which the phenomenal universe
appears. Knowledge is only the interrelated opposite of
ignorance. And what we are is prior to both knowledge
and ignorance, which can only be concepts. The real
problem is that the total phenomenal universe is an
appearance in Consciousness, without any independent
substance to separate it from Consciousness.”
Advaita or non-dualistic teachings are practical and
may well be utilized as a guide to daily living. Their greatest
value lies in clues directing us toward our own process of
self-exploration, growth, and transformation, connecting
us to our deeper selves and to the world around us. The
teachings of the Sages provide us with excellent counsel
on how this state of harmonious understanding and
connectedness may happen.
Yet, to make us ponder even at deeper levels, Ramesh
strikingly points out, “Ramana Maharshi, as the final
truth, begins by saying there is no creation and no
dissolution. So if there is no creation, “who” can ask
any questions? If it is accepted that there is no creation,
then the creation that is seen is illusory. The basic point
is this: Unicity-the Source (non-duality) - is really a
concept. Manifestation – duality, - also a concept, is
what we live in. Thus all questions will be in duality.
For example, you go out into the sun. There is a shadow.
Is the shadow real or unreal? The answer is the shadow
is real in certain circumstances and unreal in other
circumstances. When you go out into the sun, the
shadow is very much real-you can see it. But when you
come inside, when you are home, there is no shadow.
Likewise, when you are in duality you exist. But when
you are not in duality-when you are in deep sleep-there
is no you. So, you exist in the waking state, in duality,
and you do not exist in deep sleep.
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A Few Hints on Advaita
“So long as the body-mind continues, duality is still
there. Whatever the body-mind does in duration, in
space-time, is in duality. What is absent in
enlightenment is dualism, “me” as a separate entity and
“you” as another separate entity. (CS 138)
There can be no manifestation unless it is observed
through the body; there can be no observation unless
there is the mind; there is no mind unless there is
consciousness in the body-mind organism; and where
can the consciousness in the body-mind organism come
from except from CONSCIOUSNESS, or the SOURCE?
There is, therefore, no duality-only UNICITY.
“In fact, there has been neither creation nor destruction.
Bondage lasts only as long as mind invests a perceived
object with reality. Once that notion disappears, with it
goes the supposed bondage. Here, in this objectified
creation, only that which is thus objectified grows and
decays. It is in this conceptualization and objectification
that the duality is conceived as the very basis of the
manifestation. Duality is necessary so that manifested
objects may be perceived and cognized in a framework of
space and time in which the objects are extended. It is
essential to bear in mind that while the manifestation thus
created is of the nature of mere appearance or illusion, it
is real enough in the sense that the manifestation is a
reflection in Consciousness. The shadow has no substance
or nature of its own, but without the substance the shadow
cannot arise. Now a clever hypnotist can make 2,000
people believe something, which is not there. So if a
clever hypnotist can make 2,000 people believe there
is something solid where there is none, would it be
difficult for the Divine, through hypnosis, to make each
individual body-mind organism think that the world is
real, solid?
The seeing of Truth cannot
be dualistic (a ‘thing’ seen).
It cannot be seen by a see-er, or via a see-er.
There can
only be a seeing which itself is Truth.
Wei Wu Wei
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C H A P T E R 28
The Keys
Humility, metaphysically, implies the absence
of any entity to be either ‘proud’ or ‘humble’.
Nowadays our lives have become so nerve-racking and
multifaceted, as we constantly have to deal with
innumerable tasks, responsibilities, and crises on
personal, local and global levels, that we naturally seek
that which will restore us to a more balanced, harmonious,
and satisfying way of living. Investigating Truth is the only
true tool to lasting harmony and balance.
The concept of non-doership and non-dualism may at
first appear totally in opposition to some of our most
cherished cultural values. The idea of life having no
purpose except to experience the flow of Consciousness
may be difficult for people to accept who are attached to
the belief that they are making their own decisions.
Particularly in the context of modern day living this Truth
may appear unthinkable, even frightening, certainly anti-
social and perhaps a little pathological. To allow oneself
to “wander through life without purpose” can be upsetting,
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The Keys
as it challenges some of our most basic assumptions about
who we are as human beings, and about our role in the
world. From a psychological point of view, accepting the
fact that we do not exercise any volitional control over
situations in our lives, is a shock. At first we may resist as
it must shatter all the beliefs we hold so dear, like the power
of the mind or that we are the doer etc. Yet, the teachings
of realized Sages such as Ramana Maharshi, Nisargadatta
Maharaj and Ramesh S. Balsekar may furnish us with
specific practical guidelines to allow a peaceful state of
harmony in daily living to surface from deep within. With
the total understanding of these basic principles, and
applying them to daily living, we may consciously become
tranquility itself, and experience a total re-birth.
Most of us who have undergone any spiritual training
based on personal effort and ‘achieving’ may at first feel
either cheated by prior teachings or aghast and perplexed.
Ramesh turns around the issue, but reaffirms, “The non
finding of the answer to the question ‘what am I’ is itself
the finding, because if this not finding leads to the
abandoning of the conceptual search and to the
apperception of what non-conceptually I am. Such
abandonment would include not only the search but, far
more significantly, abandoning the conceptual seeker
himself! What the finding would amount to is:
phenomenally speaking, we can be said to be the concept
conceived - the seeker - and that which is conceptualizing
- the sought – the seeker being the sought, and vice versa,
in other words, ‘conceptuality’; noumenally speaking, we
being ‘upstream’ of conceptualization’ and thus not able
to conceive or to be conceived, in other words, ‘non
conceptuality.’ Therefore non -conceptuality cannot be
grasped conceptually. Phenomenally what we appear to
be – is conceptual, whereas what we are is non-
conceptuality itself, thus clearly unknowable
conceptuality i.e. within the apparent limits of space-time.
What we are - non-conceptually - therefore must
necessarily be ‘the not-knowing of knowing’, the infinite
and intemporal, neither any thing nor nothing. Practically,
what we appear to be can never cognize what we are
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because what we are is what cognizes. What we are cannot
be comprehended because there is no subject other than
what we are. If what we are is to be comprehended as an
object, there would have to be another subject to
comprehend it.”
The principle of non-dualism and non-doership
contains certain implications and produces psychological
deep-rooted re-conditionings. Foremost among these is
the need to consciously experience we are part of the
Source and that the Source is functioning through us by
practicing some simple self-enquiry. Many suggest being
quiet and in stillness or concentrated. Ramesh simply
advises to be silent and comfortable and to enquire if we
really were the doers of any action during the day. The
self-analysis or introspection is the tool where, with
discrimination and enquiry into the nature of the self and
into non-doership, we may go deeper and deeper
discarding all false concepts, enjoying the puzzle of the
misconception. My experience was the deepest release
from all tensions and frustrations. Yet the final
understanding may drop in if it is God’s will and not
because of our punctuality in the practice. The practice is
a mere aid in preparing the field for the happening, which
will also teach us to rely and trust God more than our
logical mind. This being in itself a great panacea, when it
is totally accepted through our personal investigation that
the Source is the sole doer, our direct connection to the
Source will give us strength and tranquility which are
already great boons in daily living as our approach to life
will turn 180 degrees. Total acceptance may happen the
more we trust the charioteer of our life. The understanding
is our own experience and not anybody else’s, as we may
realize by our own enquiry that we never were the doers
as the ‘me’ wished us to think; therefore whatever happens
is accepted totally and we end up in feeling comfortable
with ourselves and with others.
So, the key to lasting joy of peace in daily living is offered
by the actor-less action. Non-doership is devoid of any
sense of separateness. The actor-less action is
spontaneous and effortless, yet it is not to be considered
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The Keys
inertia, laziness, or mere passivity, rather the experience
of swimming with the current. The contemporary
expression, “going with the flow,” is a direct expression of
this fundamental non-doership principle, which in its most
basic form, refers to behavior occurring in response to the
flow of life.
The essential changes result in an organic type of life
as an interconnected whole, which undergoes constant
transformation. Deepening the personal investigation we
soon also recognize the reverse of the same medal: and
we will wonder at who we really are if we are not the doers
separate from the Source. Detachment is a state, and not
a sum total of achieved indifferences and we ourselves
are not an illusory part of Reality; rather we as Reality
Itself illusorily conceived. Reality alone exists - and that
we are. All the rest is only a dream, a dream of the One
Mind, which is our mind without the ‘our’. As a
consequence we apperceive that past and future are a
duality of which the present is the reality. The “now-
moment” alone is eternal and real and spontaneity is being
present in the present. Spontaneity by-passes the
processes of the conceptual aspect of the mind and with
this new approach, a total reintegration with Nature will
happen, because nature is what we are.
On the very same lines these words from Nisargadatta
Maharaj should make us ponder, “That which you are,
your true self, you love it, and whatever you do, you do for
your own happiness. To find it, to know it, to cherish it is
your basic urge. Since time immemorial you loved
yourself, but not wisely. Use your body and mind wisely
in the service of the self, that is all. Be true to your own
self, love your self absolutely. Do not pretend that you love
others as yourself. Unless you have realized them as one
with yourself, you cannot love them. Don’t pretend to be
what you are not; don’t refuse to be what you are. Your
love of others is the result of self-knowledge, not its cause.
Without self-realization, no virtue is genuine. When you
know beyond all doubting that the same life flows through
all that is, and you are that life, you will love all naturally
and spontaneously. When you realize the depth and
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fullness of your love for yourself, you know that every living
being and the entire universe are included in your
affection. But when you look at any thing as separate from
you, you cannot love it for you are afraid of it. Alienation
causes fear and fear deepens alienation. It is a vicious
circle. Only self-realization can break it. Go for it
resolutely.”
To allow Consciousness to manifest in our lives may
seem like an overwhelming task. And yet, if we pause to
enquire and reflect on our past experiences, we may recall
many instances when our actions were spontaneous and
natural, when they arose out of a thought that happened
and acceptance was integrated in our acceptance of what
was.
Ramesh gives a simple technique to those who still
believe something is needed, “At the end of the day make
yourself comfortable, and try this very simple investigation:
among the many events of the day. Choose one single
action that you would challenge anybody to prove it is not
your action. Ask yourself, “Did I decide to do this?” If you
go deeper and deeper in the analysis, you will recollect
you had a thought, and that you never had any control
over that thought that crept in the mind. Then you will
see that if the thought had not happened, there would not
have been any action. If you still go deeper, without
exception, you will discover that if you had not been in a
certain place at certain time, and if you had not heard,
seen or felt something, you would not have ‘done’ the
action you were so sure you had carried out. The
happening of being in a certain place and the happening
of seeing or hearing something, happened, and produced
the action you were so sure was YOUR ACTION, while you
never had any control over it. Then, out of your own
investigation, a flash of total acceptance is likely to
happen. When this flash of total understanding happens
there will be no more doubts, but it may happen only you’re
your personal investigation of those actions you really
thought could not possibly be NOT-YOUR-ACTIONS. At the
end of repeated investigations, you will you come to the
conclusion that no one does any action; that all actions
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The Keys
are only divine happenings. That is the conclusion you
arrive at from your own experience. Then what was once
an intellectual concept becomes the personal truth from
your own investigation. Find out what happens from your
personal experience, not because of a concept. From your
own personal experience find out whether what you think
is “your” action is really someone’s action. Or is it merely
the reaction of the brain to an input over which you have
no control, according to the programming over which you
have had no control?
If one follows the pointers from Ramana Maharshi, Sri
Nisargadatta Maharaj, Ramesh Balsekar, of practicing a
simple self-investigation, the practice will bring to the
effortless acceptance of non-doership, the non-action of
the individual, and nothing remains a mystery any longer,
all gets interconnected. This means trusting our own
bodies, our thoughts and emotions as Consciousness
willed, and also believing that Consciousness, as all there
is, will provide support and guidance for whatever was
planned by Consciousness acting through us. Vigilance,
tranquility, and quietness of mind will find all doors open
to settle in.
According to Advaita the real you is the part that is
aware, not anything that you’re aware of. Enquiry and
discrimination are the main components of the traditional
method of Jñana Yoga. By practicing self-investigation,
we will happen to discover that everything we currently
regard as ‘I’ is merely part of our mind and this particular
‘I’ is the ‘me’ of the ego, which is not the one who is aware.
The awareness in us is not part of the mind, or of any
component of the three dimensional object this body really
is, and therefore, no matter how hard we try, we cannot
focus our attention on the part that is aware. If we could,
it would become something of which we are aware.
Ramana suggested Self-inquiry. “By Self-enquiry,
holding onto the inner feeling of ‘I am’, excluding all other
thoughts and that to maintain one’s attention on this inner
feeling of ‘I’, one should constantly question oneself ‘Who
am I?’ or ‘Where does this ‘I’ come from?’ He constantly
reminded the seekers that if they succeeded in remaining
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centered on this inner feeling of ‘I’, excluding all other

C H A P T E R 29
thoughts, the ‘I’-thought would start to subside into the
Heart-centre, which is a different term for the Source.
Ramana clarifies that the practice of self-attention or
awareness of the “I” thought is a gentle technique that by- Confusion
passes the usual repressive methods of controlling the
mind. It is not an exercise of concentration, nor does it
aim at suppressing thoughts. It merely invokes awareness
of the Source from which the mind springs. The method
and goal of self-enquiry is to abide in the Source of the
mind and to be aware of what one really is by withdrawing
attention and interest from what one is not.”
The day that you GET IT there will be no one there to say, “I’ve got it!”
If we practice for a long period Ramana Maharshi’s or
Which is just as well since there will be no one there to hear it.
Ramesh Balsekar’s method of self-enquiry – vichara.,
eventually we will become convinced that our ordinary
sense of ‘I’-our ego- is not who we truly are. Eventually we
will realize it’s an illusion. Self-enquiry also involves a
second question, “To whom does this thought arise?” And
Ramana would invariably answer, “Know the doubter. If
the doubter is held, the doubts will not arise. When the
doubter ceases to exist, there will be no doubts arising.
From where will they arise? All are jnanis, jivan-muktas,
but nobody is aware of it. Doubts must be uprooted and
this entails that the doubter must be uprooted. Whenever You are the one who has to dive deep and fly above the
the mind goes astray and your concentration is interrupted clouds of confusion. No one can do this for you. Masters,
by a thought, during meditation or Self analysis, ask Seers, Saints, Gurus may point the way, but you are the
yourself, ‘To whom does this thought arise?’ because the one who has to have the interest and the willingness to
answer causes the attention to return to the feeling of ‘I’ fight the devil of confusion and finish the game. The so-
where it belongs. called enlightenment or dawning of constant peace cannot
And the Tao approach expounded by Wei Wu Wei in be sought from someone else, others can only point us in
few lines offers a deep insight: the right direction.
Sadly this search for spiritual insights from others, may
Let us live gladly! Quite certainly we are free to do it. sometimes lead to further spiritual confusion. Ramana was
Perhaps it is our only freedom, but ours it is, and it is only asked about the necessity of a teacher and he answered,
phenomenally a freedom. “If they can help in the quest of the Self. But can they help?
‘Living free’ is being ‘as one is’. Can religion, which teaches you to look outside yourself,
Can we not do it now? Indeed can we not-do-it? which promises a heaven and a reward outside yourself,
It is not even a ‘doing’: it is beyond doing and not-doing. can this help you? It is only by diving deep into the Spiritual
It is being as-we-are. Heart that one can find the Self.”

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Nowadays there is a customary belief and common
demand to ‘attain’ from teachers the understanding. True
teachers may push you to the door from where the quantum
leap may happen, but they cannot jump for you. It cannot
happen through someone else. This renders it needful to
stress that not even the best of Gurus can bestow final
and lasting realization. Many are not even capable of giving
you a glimpse. And even when the disciple has the best
Guru, it is the disciple who has to investigate and the Guru
cannot do that for him. There surely are sincere teachers,
but they can be counted on the fingers of one hand.
Keeping in mind that the Saint is a man who disciplines
his ego, while the Sage is a man who rids himself of his
ego, the seeking has to proceed towards the programmed
goal that your destiny set out for you. It is already
predetermined and you have no choice. The seeking
happens, and a Guru appears. Many feel so blessed, as
they feel the Guru has called him, yet this stage and Guru-
disciple relationship has to be analyzed deeply. Ramesh
underlines, “God predetermines all the details and
prompts all thoughts, how can the happening of meeting a
Guru be a call from a physical Guru? The Guru, as with
anything that happens, is planned by God’s will or Cosmic
Law, and not by any miraculous powers of the individual
body-mind organism. Nor is it the Guru himself (finding
and calling) the disciple. It is all a play of Consciousness,
so that Consciousness may free Its reflection from the
claws of ignorance, because the atma feels the
constrictions of the limited body and wishes to return free
to the Source. Consciousness creates links, attractions
and rejections even in this sacred relationship. To follow
and be grateful to the realized teacher, as the agent of
Consciousness, feeling devotion only to God, is the correct
way. Gratefulness may arise when peace and joy is
happening, that is all. There are only pointers to deepen
the understanding about ‘enlightenment,’ as it cannot
be taught.
The understanding alone that there is no individual-
doer, but only Consciousness in manifestation will also
bring the firm belief that the Sadguru is inside and not
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Confusion
outside, if any such distinction could be made between
inside and outside. Concepts trigger us all the time, but
as Ramana Maharshi stresses, “Affective fixation on the
personality of a teacher or Guru, may become a serious
obstacle to ‘liberation’ as often the Guru himself risks
becoming the target.” The Chinese Masters went to the
extreme of teaching their monks to kill the Buddha if by
chance they met him.
The intellectual understanding that our ‘selves’ do not
exist is difficult and few wish even to try to understand
being only interested in worldly pursuits. Doctrines,
scriptures, sutras, and essays are initially the best pointers,
yet even these concepts only help the understanding to
happen. They should be a source of stimulation, nothing
more, as if adopted, they may end up by being a hindrance
for the ultimate understanding to happen.
Nisargadatta Maharaj used to say, “Surrender to your
own self of which everything is an expression. Beware of
all that makes you dependant. Most of the so-called
‘surrenders to the Guru’ end in disappointment, if not in
tragedy. Fortunately an earnest seeker will disentangle
himself in time, the wiser for the experience.”
Ramesh goes into details, “Maharaj used to emphasize
that the individual really does not exist as an independent
entity and therefore, when he was talking to a disciple, it
was Consciousness talking to Consciousness – and not
one individual to another – and that unless this fact was
clearly understood and constantly kept in mind, nothing
worthwhile would emerge from the talks. Maharaj did not
deny that in the beginning the Guru could be regarded
by the disciple, as the embodiment of Truth in the form of
a human being who had known and experienced Reality,
and therefore apt to remove the disciples doubts and
difficulties, and that in the process the disciple was bound
to develop a personal feeling of love and respect towards
the Guru. The point that Maharaj conveyed and
emphasized was that the disciple should not allow that
love and reverence for the person of the Guru to become
an impediment to the clear understanding that the Guru
is not an individual, that the Guru himself, being
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identified with Reality, sees others also, including the
disciples, as pure Consciousness, and therefore, unless
the disciple too is ready and prepared to see the falseness
of his own individuality, the relationship between Guru
and disciple in relativity would not fructify into Reality.
In this fructification the knowledge that perhaps was not
unknown intellectually to the disciple, but was still hazy
in its application, suddenly comes into sharp focus, and
into that sharp focal point merges the disciple’s
individuality.
“It is just as well that we have plunged ourselves right
into the middle of the Guru disciple relationship, but
broadly speaking, questions will never cease if it is not
considered from the view point of the functioning of
manifestation as a whole. The individual is after all, only
a small part of the totality of manifestation and anything
viewed from his view point is necessarily a very limited
“framework.’ And if you ask ‘What does the Guru actually
do?’, the straightforward answer to this query would be
that the Guru, not being any individual, but pure
Consciousness, actually does nothing other than merely
watching or witnessing the advice given to an individual
phenomenon and that advice being received according to
the receptive capacity in each case. As Nisargadatta
Maharaj used to say,’ all I do is to present a mirror in which
to see your true Self. Thereafter what extent the seed of
the Guru’s advice takes root, flowers and blossoms into
enlightenment would depend upon the working plan of
Providence or the Source.
“It is necessary to go deeply into the question of what the
Guru is actually supposed to do, because quite often the
seeker goes to the Guru with the hope, the belief and the
conviction that once he has been accepted by the Guru, it is
the responsibility of the Guru to provide him with liberation
or awakening or enlightenment. This is entirely a wrong
notion. Such an expectation is likely to cause great
frustration. Enlightenment is an event, a movement in
Consciousness, which bridges the relative manifest with the
Absolute Unmanifest, which by its very nature signals the
total dissolution of the very entity that wished to enjoy it.”
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Confusion
When Nisargadatta Maharaj was asked if one could have
more than one Guru he stressed, “There is only one
Sadguru and that is the Consciousness that every sentient
being has on his own, the knowledge ‘I AM’, the sense of
being alive and present. Subject to this Sadguru, it is
possible and even sometimes necessary to have more than
one Guru according one’s circumstances, spiritual
development and inherent tendencies. Yet the important
point to remember is that from the point of view of the Guru,
there are no disciples as such, as there is no one outside
himself. It is only from the point of view of the seeker that
there is a Guru.”
Ramesh has a great sense of humour and underlines,
“The result of a teaching is either confusion or clarity.
Every teacher is unique, producing either confusion or
clarity. So if a teaching produces confusion, why does
it? The teacher certainly didn’t intend that you should
be confused. Yet the only reason a teacher happens to
be confused it is simply due to God’s will. Why? Because
they should confuse others. And why does this happen?
Because it is God’s will. Do you know why it is God’s
will? There is a verse in the Bhagavad Gita which says:
“There is only one seeker among thousands of people,
and among those who seek hardly one knows me in
principle.” So the thousands of seekers have got to be
confused. how can they be confused unless there are
teachers who are confused? Even that is God’s will-that
is my point. Or the teacher may not be confused, but
the disciple isn’t ready. That is God’s will too. You can’t
blame anybody for anything. That is why it is also said
in the Bhagavad Gita: “You can commit no sin nor can
you do a meritorious deed.”
A useful analysis is also discriminating and verifying
how many of the disciplines or practices, recommended
as necessary, for the ‘attainment of realization’ are not in
reality the qualities of the Sages’ state of mind erroneously
suggested as means? There seem to be two kinds of
seekers: those who seek to make their ego holy, happy,
unselfish or as Wei Wu Wei states -as though you could
make a fish ‘unfish’-, and those who understand that all
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such attempts may well be mere play-acting, and that the

C H A P T E R 30
only useful self-analysis is to disidentify from the doer-
actor role, by realizing its unreality, and by becoming
aware of their eternal identity with pure being, as in reality
we only have to eliminate the ego-notion by succeeding Who Created the Ego?
in the difficult task of understanding that it does not exist
except as a notion. It is necessary to understand the ‘I
Am’, in order that ‘I’ may know that ‘I Am Not’, So that, at
last, ‘I’ may realize that, ‘I Am Not’, therefore ‘I Am.’ In reality
we are not the ego, but we are possessed by the idea of
having one.
Ramesh points out, “He who rules men lives in
confusion. He who is ruled by men lives in sorrow. The To any conceptual problem there cannot be any valid answer except to
Tao therefore desires neither to influence others nor to be see the problem in perspective, as an empty thought, and that there is no
influenced by them. The way to get clear of confusion and such thing as a “problem” which is other than merely conceptual.
free of sorrow is to live with Tao in the land of the great
void. If a man is crossing a river and an empty boat collides
with his own skiff, even though he be a bad-tempered man,
he will not become very angry. But if he sees a man in the
boat he will shout at him to steer clear. If the shout is not
heard, he will shout again and yet again, and begin
cursing. Yet, if the boat were empty he would not be
shouting and not angry. If you can empty your own boat,
crossing the river of the world, no one will oppose you. No Ramesh clarifies all misunderstandings about what the
one will seek to harm you. He who can free himself from ego is, “The ego is Divine hypnosis. Where did the ego come
achievement and from pain descends and is lost amid the from? All Masters stress the ego is the problem. All you
masses of men. He will flow like Tao, unseen. He will go have to do is simply give up “your” ego, but nobody tells
about like life itself, with no name and no home. Simple is you how to give up “your” ego. “You” are the ego! The “me”
he without destination. To all appearances he is a fool. is the ego, and the ego is not going to commit suicide.
His steps leave no trace. He has no power. He achieves ‘The ego could only have come from the same Source from
nothing. He has no reputation. Since he judges no one, which everything has come. The physical manifestation
no one judges him. Such is the perfect man. His boat is has come from the Source. The fictional “me” has come
empty.” from the Source. While ‘seekers’ are told by most Masters
Wu Wei states, that they should fight the ego, my concept is to accept it
“There is no mystery whatever - only inability to and not to fight it, just as “we” have not created the ego
perceive the obvious. “we” cannot destroy it. The Source has created the ego,
and, in some cases, the Source is in the process of
destroying the ego. If you keep on fighting the ego, there
is no way out.”

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Ramesh also advises to forget the teaching, letting it
work by itself as the one “who” wants to remember the
teaching is the ego. So Ramesh poignantly stresses, “Why
does the ego want to remember the teaching? Because the
ego wants to use that teaching to achieve something! But
if you forget the teaching, the teaching leading to the
understanding will work by itself. If the teaching doesn’t
lead to the understanding, then it’s not worth it. So either
way, all you have to do is to forget the teaching! It’s either
effective or not effective. Will the ego want to contribute to
its own annihilation? No. The ego wants the teaching only
to be able to use it, to achieve something-not for its own
annihilation. If the teaching is forgotten the ego is
forgotten, and the teaching works by itself. Your effort is
the obstruction. That is why I say forget the teaching -don’t
try to use it. Let that understanding work at whatever level.
The resistance is the ego, and the ego, I’m not joking, will
not easily give up.”
Ramesh subtly goes deeper and deeper erasing all
doubts and possible questions, “What is meant by
involvement? It is the judging by the ego, the thinking
mind, which is the involvement. The working mind does
just what it is programmed to do and accepts the
consequences. Ego is the cause of all reactions. Anger
arises because the brain reacts to what is heard or seen.
The brain produces the anger, not the ego. Where does
the ego come in? The ego reacts to the reaction of the brain.
That is involvement. In the sage the anger arises as a
reaction of the brain, but the sage witnesses it taking its
course. The anger may result in an action. The sage
watches the anger arise and take its action. The sage
doesn’t say it was “I” who was angry and “I” did this act.
The subsequent reaction to the basic reaction is the ego,
represents the involvement. The original reaction is a
physical reaction of the brain. The subsequent reaction is
the ego. In the case of the ordinary person, he would say,
“‘I’ was angry, ‘I’ shouldn’t be angry. My doctor has told
me not to be angry, so therefore ‘I’ must do something not
to get angry. ‘I’ must find some way not to get angry. ‘I’
must control myself.” This goes round and round and
round. In the case of the sage anger arises and simply
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Who Created the Ego?
takes its course with no involvement. The same happens
with fear. For example, there are two ordinary people. Fear
arises in the case of one, and fear does not arise in the
case of the other. Arising of the fear has nothing to do with
the ego, but the ego reacts to that fear. So ones says, “‘I’
was afraid, ‘I’ get afraid. ‘I’ wish ‘I’ could be like my friend
who doesn’t become afraid.” So the involvement arises
because of not being able to accept the programming. So
there is a basic reaction and also the reaction of the ego.
In the case of the sage a basic reaction happens because it
is a programmed reaction of the brain. But there is no ego,
and therefore there is no involvement of the ego. There is
no reaction to the basic reaction by the ego.”
Ramesh stresses, “The earliest conditioning is the
firmest conditioning and is the basis of the personality.
But conditioning is happening all the time, every moment.
Whatever you hear, whatever you see is part of the
conditioning. And that conditioning can amend the
earlier conditioning. That you must fight the ego is prior
conditioning. Now I’m telling you-don’t fight the ego. It is
useless. The ego will not commit suicide. It is only that
Power which created the ego that can destroy the ego. So
accept the ego and let it continue as long as it is destined
to continue. This is the conditioning that will alter the
existing conditioning of being told to fight your ego. When
I refer to destiny, is it the destiny of the body-mind
organism and not the destiny of the ego, do not be
confused! The ego has nothing to do with destiny. The ego
does not have a destiny. It is the destiny of the body-mind
organism. The destiny is always of the body-mind
organism. The ego, frankly, doesn’t exist! So, what happens
to the body-mind organism is the destiny of the body-mind
organism. Whatever happens in life to that body-mind
organism happens only to the body-mind organism - it
does not happen to the ego. Yet the ego, because of the
Divine hypnosis, thinks, “It is happening to me.”
Further Ramesh compares the body mind organism to
a computer, daily repeating, “The thinking mind and the
ego are the same. Inherited tendencies are the
programming. In some cases the programming is such that
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there is great resistance to total understanding, and in
other cases the programming is such that it is wide open
and there is great receptivity. The brain is part of the inert
body-mind organism that cannot create anything. It can
only receive and react. The brain is a reacting agent, an
apparatus. A thought comes, the brain reacts to that
thought, and that reaction is what Markus calls “his”
action. A body-mind organism sees something or hears
something, the brain reacts to it, and that reaction is what
it calls “his” action. But the body-mind organism has no
control over what will happen. it has no control over what
thought will arise. The body-mind organism has no control
over what he is going to see, or hear, or touch, or smell, or
taste, therefore it has no control over what thought will
arise or what it will see. The brain simply reacts to
something over which nobody has any control, and how
does the brain react? According to the programming-genes
plus conditioning. If you have a personal computer, you
put in an input. What will be the output? Exactly according
to the way it is programmed. What can a personal computer
do except bring out an output strictly according to the
way it is programmed? And who puts in the input? Not the
computer. You put in the input. So with the body-mind
organism, which is a programmed instrument or computer,
God puts in an input. He makes you hear something, see
something. He sends a thought. That is the input.
We have all realized by experience that involvement,
so Ramesh clarifies, “Ask yourselves, “who” gets involved?
The ego gets involved. The freedom is the freedom from
the ego. And the ego is the sense of personal doership. So
the freedom is ultimately the freedom from the sense of
personal doer-ship - both for this body-mind organism and
other body-mind organisms. This is remarkable as far as
you are concerned. Others may not accept this, but as far
as you’re concerned the freedom extends to everybody.
No one has free will. All that happens is that actions happen
through the billions of body--mind computers. So there is
no need for anyone to feel guilty or proud or hate anybody.
This is the freedom that is reflected in your understanding
- freedom from guilt, freedom from pride, freedom from hate
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Who Created the Ego?
and envy. What does this entail? It entails freedom from
involvement. It is the involvement, which causes
unhappiness - a little bit of happiness, a lot of unhappiness.
So, accepting what happens as something with which no
one cannot be involved and over which no one has any
control at all, this is the freedom that whatever is
happening is beyond the control of anyone. Therefore
whatever is happening is just accepted as something, which
is supposed to happen- and not by the will of any
individual. Freedom from involvement is freedom from the
bondage of the ego. The ego is restricted. So the ego who
thought earlier that ‘he’ was free to do whatever “he” liked
now finds there is no one to do what anybody wants. This
is the freedom from responsibility, freedom from the sense
of personal doership, and freedom from guilt or pride. This
same freedom is translated by the ego as the loss of “its”
own personal free will. So really this freedom is itself
freedom from the ego, but the ego can’t feel this freedom.
Ego feels “it” has lost the free will to do whatever it wants
to do-which “it” thought “it” had. This was the confusion
you felt - the freedom that arose from the loss of the sense
of personal doership meant the loss of freedom for the ego.
Does that make sense? Freedom from the sense of personal
doership means loss of freedom for the ego. And that is the
confusion, because there is still this identification of the
ego with this body-mind organism called so and so. The
ego still remains and feels terribly restricted.
“Who” chooses? The ego chooses. But the ego chooses
on what basis? My point is that the ego makes its “choice”
on the programming it has received that is equal to the
environmental conditioning over which the ego has no
choice. Now, the ego has a valid question: In living in
society I’m expected to make a choice-do I not make a
choice? I say, “Of course you do.” But all I’m saying is that
the choice you make, consider whether it is really “your”
choice or does the choice happen? Ego is intellectual. Your
mind-intellect and the ego are the same. “Me,” the ego,
and the mind-intellect are the same. They are various
names for the same thing, which arises in the body-mind
organism and creates a feeling of separation, and that
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feeling of separation causes misery. In deep sleep this

C H A P T E R 31
feeling of the mind-intellect does not exist. In deep sleep
there is no you nor your mind; therefore, there is no misery.
“The intellect, the ego, trying to grasp, to grab the
teaching asks, “If I am not the doer, who is the doer? There Effort or No Effort?
is only doing-happening - no individual doer! Mind is the
instrument that perceives things. The eyes don’t see the
world. The mind sees the world through the eyes. The mind
hears the world through the ears. The eyes and the ears
are merely the mechanical part of it.”
People ask Ramesh if there is anything unique about
what he is saying and he says, “What is unique about what
Making strenuous attempts
I am saying is that I begin with bhakti and end in
may give opposite results.
understanding. What is bhakti? Thy will be done. The “me”
says ‘You are all there is -Thy will be done.’ You can commit
no sin nor can you do a meritorious deed. Your original
understanding is clouded by ignorance. That is why you
think in terms of sin and merit.” This is what Lord Krishna
says in the early part of the Gita and ends up: ‘Surrender
to Me and I will save you from all sins that you cannot
help think you are doing.’ But the joke is even the
surrendering is not in your control. Why? Because so long
as there is an individual who says ‘I surrender’, there is a
surrenderer - there is an individual ego. Why does Lord At all times there were good people doing what they
Krishna say, ‘I’ll save you from sins,’ Because he knows thought they should do and not doing what they should
that Arjuna’s understanding, which is based on the not do, practicing techniques and striving, yet in 99% of
programming of that body-mind organism, prevents Arjuna the cases, nothing happened. This high percentage of not
from understanding the Truth at the highest level. So Lord happening should make one ponder and arrive at the
Krishna comes down to Arjuna’s level: ‘At your level you conclusion there exists a programming of the Source or
think that you are committing sins, then surrender to Me Cosmic Law also on spiritual evolution, whatever the effort
and I’ll save you.’ But what I’m saying is even the or technique. Therefore Ramesh eventually concludes:
surrendering is not in Arjuna’s hands. The understanding “Would it not be simpler to witness the ‘Lila’ in all Its
is: ‘I can commit no sin because I commit no action. I don’t splendour and diversity while continuing to do what one
do any action, how can I commit a sin?” If that thinks one should do?”
understanding happens suddenly, if it is God’s will, then When we discover that we cannot do anything, which
the rest of it is not relevant. But if the body-mind organism is contrary to God’s will, we will realize we are exactly
is not programmed for the sudden understanding to where we should be as per our genes and Cosmic Law,
happen, then Lord Krishna comes down to the lower and and further still, no fixed rules can be set for all
lower levels of the millions of Arjunas.” individuals. Striving can help up to a certain point and at
the very beginning. In reality the sadhak that chooses the

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striving cannot chose not to strive as that was his program
willed by God, and all those who find happiness in doing
what they really like, also are not choosing or exercising
volition, as there is no such thing as volition, but the will
of God for each speck of His.
Paraphernalia are of no use at all. So much talk about
something we know nothing about is conceptualization
and it simply refers only to the mind. The best thing is be
still and in silence and we find out ourselves. Absolute
surrender to God, or the Universe, is the greatest-grace
the Source can give us. No fancy packages. Anyone who
is selling ‘enlightenment’ for mass consumption is to be
avoided...
All pointers seem to lead to a simple advice, “Just be
an ordinary person and live an ordinary life. No method
or experience can bring you closer to yourself. Just be.”
About personal effort Ramesh emphatically repeats,
“Seekers do not realize that all methods and techniques
are utterly useless, unless they give up the illusion that
they themselves are not autonomous entities with volition
and choice, working towards the goal by God’s will.
Actually, the ‘presence of a seeker-entity’ is the greatest
obstruction and it inevitably prevents enlightenment. Yet
even this huge obstacle is clearly part of our own
programming by the Source. In reality, there is no
difference between ignorance and enlightenment, as long
as there is a conceptual entity to experience either
condition. There is no practicer and nothing to practice –
no seeker and nothing to seek. Deep apprehension of this
is illumination.”
Ramana states that it is impossible for us to make an
effort beyond a certain extent, “You are prompted by the
Self to any effort. Even the fact that you are interested in
the quest is a manifestation of divine grace. It draws you
from within. You only have to attempt to get in from
outside. There is no quest without grace, nor is there grace
active from within for him who does not seek the Self. Effort
is necessary up to the state of realization. Up to that state
there must be some effortless effort. Staying in the Self by
one’s efforts is like training a roguish bull confined to his
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Effort or No Effort?
stall by tempting him with succulent grass and preventing
him from straying. The feeling of ‘I work” is the hindrance.
Ask yourself ‘who works? What is destined to happen will
happen. If you are destined not to work, Work cannot be
had even if you hunt for it; if you are destined to work,
you will not be able to avoid it; you will be forced to engage
yourself in it; so, leave it to the Higher Power; you cannot
renounce or retain as you choose. Enquiry is the only
thing seekers can “do”, as once the mind had been
emptied of all thoughts except the ‘I’-thought, it is the
power of the Self, which pulls the ‘I’-thought back into the
Heart-centre and eventually destroys it, therefore the
Source or God totally in charge and none of our ‘doing’.
When realization happens, the mind and the individual
self - both of which Sri Ramana equated with the ‘I’-thought
- are destroyed forever. Only the Atman or the Self
remains.”
Ramesh specifies further, “The true nature of Self-
enquiry is not often clearly understood. The enquiry “who
or what am I?” really means an effortless effort to find the
source of the ego. This effortless effort leads to the
apperception of Truth. Any other efforts made by a
‘supposed entity’ can only lead to frustration. It is only
the effortless effort, passive witnessing, along the path -
pure understanding without a “me” as the comprehender
- that can lead to the goalless goal, THAT which has always
been here and now. The question of individual volition
and personal effort is extremely subtle and difficult to
understand. And yet it is absolutely necessary not only
to understand it intellectually, but also to absorb it in
our very being. Difficulties arise because most Masters
seem to have taught predestination in theory but free will
in practice! Jesus affirmed that without the will of God
not even a sparrow can fall, and that the very hairs on
one’s head are numbered, and the Koran very definitely
affirms that all knowledge and power are with God and
that He leads aright whom he wills and leads astray whom
He wills. And yet both Jesus and the Koran exhort men to
right effort and condemn sin. The apparent contradiction
would easily be solved if one kept in mind the concept of
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 AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS Effort or No Effort?

spiritual evolution as understanding and that this very Their way of life is very much conditioned by instinct,
understanding produces the effortless effort. The absolute habit, propaganda and the latest “fashion”. More
illusoriness of the human being and his so-called effort fundamentally, the fact is that volition is nothing more
will be quickly understood by the one who is on the very than an illusory inference, a mere demonstration, a futile
brim of enlightenment, whereas someone who is much gesture by an energized ‘me-concept’. Apart from
lower on the scale, will more easily accept the concept of psychosomatic mechanism, there is just no entity to
effort, determination and concentration. Yet the type of exercise volition. All there is, is the impersonal functioning
human being, who relies on his personal effort at one stage, and the inexorable chain of causation.”
at a later stage may come to realize that such effort as is
The practice of meditation is represented by the three
made is truly the effort of the totality of functioning and
monkeys, who cover their eyes, ears and mouths so
not the illusory individual doer.”
as to avoid the phenomenal world.
“So long as a person considers effort as his personal
effort, with the purpose of achieving something, he is The practice of non-meditation is ceasing to be the
rejecting the all-mightiness of the Almighty. So long as a see-er, hearer or speaker while eyes, ears and
person wants something from the Almighty, he is rejecting mouths are fulfilling their function in daily life.
the fact of the, “thy will be done.” True love of God means
surrender to Him, wanting nothing, not even salvation.”
Nisargadatta Maharaj is saying the same thing when
he subdivides the search in different stages, “When
ignorance becomes obstinate, one’s character perverted,
effort and pain become inevitable yet in complete
obedience to nature there is no effort. The seed of spiritual
life grows in silence and in darkness until its appointed
hour. Stay open and quiet, that is all. What you seek is so
near to you, that there is no place for a way or a path. There
is nothing to be done, nothing to be given up. Just watch
and remember, whatever you perceive is not you, not yours.
So simple. When effort is needed, effort will appear. When
effortless becomes essential, it will assert itself. You need
not push life about. Just flow with it and give yourself
completely to the task of the present moment, which is the
dying to the now, because living is dying. It would seem
that the mechanism of living is based on the belief that
everything happens in life is the result of acts of volition
by the concerned phenomenal objects, the sentient
beings. Yet this would be an incorrect belief because it
can be clearly seen that human beings react to an outside
stimulus rather than act volitionally. Their living is
primarily a sequence of reflexes that hardly leaves any
room for what might be considered as acts of will or volition.

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 Appendix

Profiles & Flashes on the

Advaita Masters
Mentioned in the Book
AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS

C H A P T E R 32

Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj : A Profile

“I am that by which I know ‘I am’.”

From his living room in the slums of Bombay, this self-

realized master became famous for brilliant, aphoristic,
extemporized talks in which he taught an austere,
minimalist Jnana Yoga based on his own experience.
Many of these talks have been published in books. The
earliest volume, I am That is widely regarded as a modern
classic by practitioners of applied Advaita.
“Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj was born in Bombay in 1897.
His parents, who gave him the name Maruti, had a small
farm at the village of Kandalgaon and it was here that he
spent his early years. His father, Shivrampant, was a poor
man who had been a servant in Bombay before turning to
farming.
Maruti worked on the farm as a boy. Although he grew
up with little or no formal education, his father’s friend,
Visnu Haribhau Gore, a pious Brahmin, exposed him to
religious ideas. Maruti’s father died when the boy was

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 AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS
eighteen, leaving behind his wife and six children. Maruti
and his older brother left the farm to look for work in
Mumbai. After a brief stint as a clerk, Maruti opened a
shop selling children’s clothes, tobacco, and leaf-rolled
cigarettes, called beedies, which are popular in India. The
shop was modestly successful. In 1924 he married, and a
son and three daughters soon followed. The family settled
in Bombay. From early childhood he had taken a keen
interest in spiritual matters, his talks with holy men
sharpening his inquisitive mind and kindling a spiritual
fire. At the age of 34 he met his Guru, Sri Siddharameshwar
Maharaj, the head of the Inchegeri branch of the Navanath
Sampradaya. The Guru gave a mantra and some
instructions to Maruti and died soon after. Sri
Nisargadatta later recalled: “My Guru ordered me to attend
to the sense ‘I am’ and to give attention to nothing else. I
just obeyed. I did not follow any particular course of
breathing, or meditation, or study of scriptures. Whatever
happened, I would turn away my attention from it and
remain with the sense ‘I am’. It may look too simple, even
crude. My only reason for doing it was that my Guru told
me so. Yet it worked”
His wife died a long time ago, when Maharaj was in his
forties. It is usual for men of this age who are widowed to
marry again, so all Maharaj’s relatives wanted him to find
another wife. He refused, saying, “The day she died I
married freedom”
Within three years, Maruti realized himself and took
the new name Nisargadatta. He became a sadhu and
walked barefoot to the Himalayas, but eventually returned
to Mumbai where he lived for the rest of his life, working
as a cigarette vendor and giving religious instruction in
his home. At the time of his death in 1981 he was 84 years
old. Sri Nisargadatta’s teachings defy summarization, but
he frequently recommended the practice that had led to
his own realization in less than three years:
He continued to live the life of an ordinary Indian
working-man but his teaching, which he set out in his
master-work “I Am That” and which are rooted in the
ancient Upanishadic tradition, made a significant
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Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj: A Profile
philosophical break from contemporary thought. Devotees
traveled from all over the world to hear Nisargadatta’s
unique message until his death in 1981. He would often
remind ; “Just keep in mind the feeling “I am,” merge in
it, till your mind and feeling become one. By repeated
attempts you will stumble on the right balance of attention
and affection and your mind will be firmly established in
the thought-feeling ‘I am.’”
FLASHES
Nisargadatta Maharaj as reviewed by Swami Sivananda
We are tremendously fortunate that such a being is
speaking openly about his state. I’ve read literally
thousands of pages on books related to consciousness
expansion and eastern spirituality. But after reading
Nisargadatta’s Maharaj, something in me has totally
shifted. I can never think about things in the same way.
His practice of “I am-ness” is so simple and has deepened
the more I practice it. Nisargadatta Maharaj was a totally
unique being who speaks directly to the core of our being.
It’s amazing that he had barely any formal education
(therefore he is not teaching what he has read in books,
but from his experience), lived almost unknown, in a
tenement in Bombay. As he says he was a simple man
who sincerely followed what his guru (From an authentic
and revered Indian spiritual lineage) taught him and
regained his “natural state”(which is what we are all trying
to do). He never established any large ashram or following,
as he could have easily done if he was looking for ego
gratification. He simply was himself and gave of himself
naturally to those around him.
Once a woman saw him angry, so she asked, ‘I thought
enlightened people were supposed to be happy and blissful.
You seem to be grumpy most of the time. Doesn’t your
state give you perpetual happiness and peace?’ He replied,
‘The only time a jnani truly rejoices is when someone else
becomes a jnani’.
“Earnestness was one of the key words in his teachings.
He thought that it was good to have a strong desire for the
Self and to have all one’s faculties turned towards it
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 AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS
whenever possible. This strong focus on the truth was what
he termed earnestness.
Maharaj one day also gave a mini-lecture on how it
was necessary for the full realization of the Self,to witness
one’s own death. He said that it had happened to him after
he thought that he had fully realized the Self, and it wasn’t
until after this death experience that he understood that
this process was necessary for final liberation.
Once a foreigner gave him a very rude answer, but
Maharaj didn’t show any sign of annoyance. Instead, he
replied, “Water doesn’t care whether it is quenching thirst
or not”. And then he repeated the sentence, very slowly
and with emphasis. He often repeated himself like this
when he had something important to say. The foreigner
later on confessed that this one sentence completely
destroyed her skepticism and her negativity. The words
stopped her mind, blew away her determination to be a
spoilsport, and put her into a state of peace and silence
that lasted for long after her visit.
It was possible to meditate in his room in the early
morning for an hour or an hour and a half. Maharaj would
be there, but he would be going about his normal morning
activities. He would potter around doing odd jobs; he
would appear with just a towel around his waist if he was
about to have a bath; sometimes he would sit and read a
newspaper. Although he did not seem to be teaching as
Ramana used by looking at people and transmitting some
form of grace. However, Nisargadatta was always aware of
the mental states of all the people who were sitting there,
and he not infrequently complained about them. ‘I know
who is meditating here and who is not,’ he would say,
‘and I know who is making contact with his beingness.
Only one person is doing that at the moment. The rest of
you are all wasting your time.’
Nisargadatta had enormous respect for both Ramana
Maharishi’s attainment and his teachings. He once
confessed that one of the few regrets of his life was that he
never met him in person. He would even clarify the inner
meaning to some devotes of Ramana with incredible clarity.
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Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj: A Profile
In 1980, a few months before his mahasamadhi
Nisargadatta underlined that the doctors had diagnosed
that his body had cancer and commented, “Would anyone
else be as joyful as I am, with such a serious diagnosis?
The world is your direct experience, your own observation.
All that is happening is happening at this level, but I am
not at this level. I have dissociated myself from sattva guna,
being ness. The Ultimate state in spirituality is that state
where no needs are felt at any time, where nothing is useful
for anything. That state is called Nirvana, Nirguna, that
which is the Eternal and Ultimate Truth. The essence and
sum total of this whole talk is called Sat-Guru
Parabrahman, that state in which there are no
requirements. After the dissolution of the universe, when
no further vestige of creation was apparent, what remained
is my perfect state. All through the creation and
dissolution of the universe, I remain ever untouched. I
have not expounded this part: my state never felt the
creation and dissolution of the universe. I am the principle
that survives all the creations, all the dissolutions. This is
my state, and yours, too, but you don’t realize it because
you are embracing your beingness. Realizing it is only
possible when one get support from invincible faith, from
that eternal Sadguru Parabrahman. This state, this
Parabrahman principle, is eternal and is also the Sadguru.
It is the eternal property of any devotee of a Guru.” Ramesh
told that someone once asked Nisargadatta, ‘Is there any
difference between you and Ramana Maharshi?’ And
Nisargadatta, with his usual sense of humor, said, ‘None
at all, except that I’m slightly better dressed.’
FLASHES ON HOW NISARGADATTA MAHARAJ
FACED CANCER
“This sickness gave the confirmation that there is no
personality, no individual.
“Sickness for whom?
“Sickness is part of the functioning of the entire
manifest, dynamic Chaitanya; it is the play of
Consciousness. My true state is prior to this
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 AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS
Consciousness. That state does not depend on the
Consciousness. There is a couplet we sing at Bhajan, to
Chakrapani. Chakrapani means that “I Amness”, the life
principle, the manifest principle. It is like this cigarette
lighter. The gas as such has no light, but its manifestation
is the flame; it is full of light, life, and energy. Even in the
atom and sub-atom, that energy is there. The functioning
of Consciousness takes place spontaneously, and one
doesn’t know what will happen. For instance, I say
something and M. will translate it one-way, B. will
translate it another, in whichever way they have
understood it. This is the way the process will go on. This
Chakrapani is “like a flywheel,” Lord Krishna said,
“rotating all beings.” That energy which moves all things
in the waking state is latent in deep sleep. How long is
one unaware of awareness? One doesn’t know, but
suddenly Consciousness arises. Does anyone think along
these lines? Is it not amazing that Consciousness, which
might remain latent for any length of time, suddenly
arises spontaneously?
“Once the disease was diagnosed, the very name of the
disease started various thoughts and concepts. Watching
those thoughts and concepts I came to the conclusion
that whatever is happening is in the Consciousness. I told
the Consciousness, “It is you who is suffering, not I.” If
Consciousness wants to continue to suffer, let it remain
in the body. If it wants to leave the body, let it. Either way,
I am not concerned.”
HINTS ON NISARGADATTA MAHARAJ’S TEACHING
Ramesh explains and summarizes the teaching as follows,
“Perhaps the most appealing feature of the presentation
of the Teaching, particularly for the foreigners, was the
fact that Maharaj scrupulously avoided the spiritual
jargon, and indeed rarely referred to the Scriptures. He
limited his talks to the seeker, the seeker’s relationship
with other sentient beings, the phenomenal manifestation
and its Source, the Noumenon.
1) Noumenon is not aware of Its existence. Such
awareness of Its existence comes about only with the
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Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj: A Profile
arising of consciousness – I am. This spontaneous
arising of consciousness, brings about the sense of
presence, of existence. Simultaneously, It causes the
arising of the phenomenal manifestation in
consciousness, together with a sense of duality. The
Wholeness gets split into the duality of a (pseudo)
subject and observed object –each phenomenal object
assumes subjectivity as a “me” concerning all other
objects as “others”. The objectivization of this duality
requires the creation of the two twin concepts of
“space” and “time”: “space” in which the volume of
objects could be extended, and “time” in which the
phenomenal images extended in space could be
perceived, cognized and measured in terms of the
duration of existence.
2) Human beings and all other sentient beings are as
much an integral part of the total phenomenal
manifestation as any other phenomena. They arise
with the arising of the phenomenal universe. As
objective phenomena, there is no apparent difference
between animate and inanimate objects. But
subjectively, it is sentience, which is responsible for
enabling the sentient beings to perceive. Sentience,
as such, is an aspect of consciousness in which the
manifestation occurs, but it has nothing to with the
arising of the manifestation. Thus although the
sentience enables human beings to perceive other
objects, and intellect enables them to discriminate,
they are in no way different from all other phenomena.
3) The conceptual bondage arises only because each
human phenomenon assumes himself to be an
independent entity. As such he considers himself to
be an independent entity. As such he considers
himself subject to the bonds of space-time as
something tangible and extraneous to his own
existence.
4) Noumenality and phenomenality are identical in the
sense that noumenality is immanent in
phenomenality. Phenomenality has no nature of its
own other than noumenality. Noumenality must, at
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the same time, transcend phenomenality because
noumenality is all there is. Phenomenality is merely
the objective aspect of noumenality. It is the
identification of noumenality with each separate
phenomenon, thus producing a pseudo-object out of
what is merely the operational element in a
phenomenal object that produces the phantom of an
autonomous individual, the ego, which considers
itself to be in conceptual bondage. The phenomenal
functioning as such is quite impersonal, and the
illusory entity is wholly unnecessary therein, its place
being merely that of an apparatus or mechanism. The
impersonal experiencing of both pain and pleasure,
and it is only when the experience is interpreted by
the pseudo-subject, as the experiencer experiencing
the experience in duration, that the experiencing
loses its intemporal, impersonal element of
functioning and assumes the duality of objectivization
as subject/object.
5) What we are, as noumenon, is intemporal, infinite,
imperceptible being. What we appear to be as a
phenomena, is temporal, finite, sensorially perceptible
separate objects. Truly, we are illusory figments in
consciousness. The fact that we, as separate, illusory
entities absurdly expect to be able to transform
ourselves into enlightened being, shows the extent of
the conditioning to which we have been subjected. How
can a phenomenon, a mere appearance, perfect itself?
Only dis-identification with the supposed entity can
bring the transformation.
6) It would seem that the mechanism of living is based
on the belief that everything happens in life is the
result of acts of volition by the concerned phenomenal
objects, the sentient beings. Yet this would be an
incorrect belief because it can be clearly seen that
human beings react to an outside stimulus rather than
act volitionally. Their living is primarily a sequence
of reflexes that hardly leaves any room for what might
be considered as acts of will or volition. Their way of
life is very much conditioned by instinct, habit,
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Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj: A Profile
propaganda and the latest “fashion”. More
fundamentally, the fact is that volition is nothing more
than an illusory inference, a mere demonstration, a
futile gesture by an energized “me-concept”. Apart
from psychosomatic mechanism, there is just no entity
to exercise volition. All there is, is the impersonal
functioning and the inexorable chain of causation.
7) In the absence of an entity – redundant in the absence
of volition-, who is there to exercise the illusory
volition and who is there to experience the results of
it? Who is there to be liberated? The deepest possible
understanding of those basics of the Teaching leads
to spontaneous and “non-volitional living. That is the
experiencing of the Teaching, the experiencing, which
is noumenal living. The experiencing soon leads to
the immense awakening that this life is a great dream.
Then we are enveloped in an overpowering sense of
self-effacing unity. What can be left thereafter but the
non-volitional witnessing of all that happens during
the remainder of our allotted span? Such non
volitional-witnessing – witnessing all that happens
without judging – arises along with non-objective
relation both to oneself and others. A non- objective
relation to oneself occurs when there is no thought of
oneself as an object of any kind, physical or psychic.
To know what one is without the slightest need of any
explanation from anyone, to have the deepest possible
conviction that oneself is totally devoid of “any trace-
element of objectivity”, is to experience the Teaching.
The total lack of any objective quality can only mean
the absence of the very concept of both presence and
the absence of the perceptible and the conceivable. A
non-objective relation to oneself naturally results in
a non-objective relation to others, which means
ceasing to regard all phenomena, sentient or
insentient, as objects of oneself. The result is the
elimination of the misunderstanding known as
ignorance, which in effect means the realization of our
true nature. It is only when the phenomenal self is
absent that the noumenal “I” can be present.
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FROM NISARGADATTA MAHARAJ”S OWN WORDS
“Take the case of a young child. The sense of ‘I-am’ is
not yet formed, the personality is rudimentary. The
obstacles to self-knowledge are few, but the power and
the clarity of awareness, its width and depth are lacking.
In the course of years awareness will grow stronger, but
also the latent personality will emerge and obscure and
complicate. Just as the harder the wood, the hotter the
flame, so the stronger the personality, the brighter the light
generated from its destruction.”
‘I am’ itself is God. The seeking itself is God. In seeking
you discover that you are neither the body nor the mind,
and the love of the self in you is for the self in all. The two
are one. The consciousness in you and the consciousness
in me, apparently two, really one, seek unity and that is
love.”
“People come here and stay for days, weeks, even
months. The first few days what they have heard takes root,
and that is when they should leave, so that what has taken
root will have time to grow and blossom. As soon as the
seed takes root, they must go. What has taken root must
bloom, must express itself within each heart. The
sweetness is the nature of sugar; but that sweetness is
there only so long as the sugar is present. Once the sugar
has been consumed or thrown away, there is no more
sweetness. So this knowledge “I am,” this Consciousness,
this feeling or sense of Being, is the quintessence of the
body. And if that body essence is gone, this feeling, the
sense of Being, will also have gone. This sense of Being
cannot remain without the body, just as sweetness cannot
remain without the material, which is sugar. What remains
is the Original, which is unconditioned, without
attributes, and without identity: that on which this
temporary state of the Consciousness and the three states
and the three gunas have come and gone. It is called
Parabrahman, the Absolute. Because of your existence,
because you know that you are, you know also that the
world is. So this Consciousness, because of which you
experience the world, is not unimportant; in fact, it is very
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Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj: A Profile
important. So why not stabilize there? Meditate on that
Consciousness itself, and find out how this “I-am-ness”
has appeared. What was its cause? And from what did this
Consciousness develop? Try to find out, go right to the
source!
“There are many persons who have a great attachment
to their own individuality. They want first and foremost
to remain as an individual and then search, for they are
not prepared to lose that individuality. While retaining
their identity, they want to find out what is the truth. But
in this process, you must get rid of the identity itself. If
you really find out what you are, you will see that you are
not an individual, you are not a person, you are not a
body. And people who cling to their body identity are not
fit for this knowledge.
“Who is there to be conscious of unconsciousness? As
long as the window is open, there is sunlight in the room.
With the windows shut, the sun remains, but does it see
the darkness in the room? Is there anything like darkness
to the sun? There is no such thing as unconsciousness,
for unconsciousness is not experienceable.
“Even faith in God is only a stage on the way. Ultimately,
you abandon all, for you come to something so simple
that there are no words to express it. As long as one is
conscious, there will be pain and pleasure. You cannot
fight pain and pleasure on the level of Consciousness. To
go beyond them, you must go beyond Consciousness,
which is possible only when you look at Consciousness
as something that happens to you, and not in you, as
something external, alien, superimposed. Then, suddenly
you are free of Consciousness, really alone, with nothing
to intrude. And that is your true state. Consciousness is
an itching rash that makes you scratch. Of course, you
cannot step out of Consciousness, for the very stepping
out is in Consciousness. But if you learn to look at your
Consciousness as a sort of fever, personal and private, in
which you are enclosed like a chick in its shell, out of
this very attitude will come the crisis which will break
the shell.
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“Consciousness implies alterations, change following
change, when one thing or state comes to an end and
another begins; that which has no borderline cannot be
experienced in the common meaning of the word. One
can only be it, without knowing, but one can know what
it is not. It is definitely not the entire content of
Consciousness, which is always on the move. To realize
the immovable means to become immovable. I am talking
of immovability, not of immobility. You become immovable
in righteousness. You become a power which gets all
things right. It may or may not imply intense outward
activity, but the mind remains deep and quiet. What you
do not know is that the entire universe is your body, and
you need not be afraid of it. You may say you have two
bodies: the personal and the universal. The personal
comes and goes, the universal is always with you. The
entire creation is your universal body. You are so blinded
by what is personal, that you do not see the universal.
This blindness will not end by itself - it must be undone
skillfully and deliberately. When all illusions are
understood and abandoned, you reach the error-free and
perfect state in which all distinctions between the
personal and the universal are no more. You see yourself
in the world, while I see the world in myself. To you, you
get born and die, while to me the world appears and
disappears. Our world is real, but your view of it is not.
There is no wall between us, except the one built by you.
There is nothing wrong with the senses; it is your
imagination that misleads you. It covers up the world, as
it is with what you imagine it to be - something existing
independently of you and yet closely following your
inherited or acquired patterns. This must be well grasped:
the world hangs on the thread of Consciousness. No
Consciousness, no world.
“Once you realize that the world is your own projection,
you are free of it. You need not free yourself of a world
that does not exist, except in your own imagination!
However is the picture, beautiful or ugly, you are painting
it and you are not bound by it. Realize that there is nobody
to force it on you, that it is due to the habit of taking the
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imaginary to be real. See the imaginary as imaginary and
be free of fear. What begins and ends is mere appearance.
The world can be said to appear, but not to be. The
appearance may last very long on some scale of time, and
very short on another, but ultimately it comes to the same.
Whatever is time-bound is momentary and has no reality.
“There can be no continuity in existence. Continuity
implies identity in past, present and future. No such
identity is possible, for the very means of identification
fluctuate and change. Continuity, permanency, these are
illusions created by memory, mere mental projections of
a pattern where no pattern can be. Time is in the mind,
space is in the mind. In reality time and space exist in
you; you do not exist in them. They are modes of
perception, but they are not the only ones. Time and space
are like words written on paper; the paper is real, the words
merely a convention. All existence is imaginary. Time is
endless, though limited, eternity is in the split moment
of the now. We miss it because the mind is ever shuttling
between the past and the future. It will not stop to focus
the now. It can be done with comparative ease, if interest
is aroused.
“Whatever I had thought earlier has now changed. What
is happening now is that even the slightest touch of
individuality has completely disappeared, and it is
Consciousness as such which is spontaneously
experiencing. The result is total freedom. All the time
there was complete conviction that it was Consciousness
which was experiencing; but that “I” which the
Consciousness was there. Now that has totally
disappeared; therefore, whatever happens in the field of
Consciousness, I, who am there before Consciousness, am
not concerned in any way. The experience is of
Consciousness experiencing itself.
“Nevertheless, understand what Consciousness is, even
if Consciousness is not an individual. The basis and
source of Consciousness is in the material. What I say is
still in the conceptual world, and you need not accept it
as truth. Nothing in the conceptual world is true.
“All kinds of things were happening, thoughts and
experiences, and they were credited to my account, but
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once I have seen what it is, all those account-books have
been burned and I no longer have any account. How
amusing it is to see someone who thinks of himself as an
individual, who thinks of himself as a doer or achiever.
Whatever is happening, and the experiencing of the
happening, takes place in this Consciousness when the
“I Am” arises.
“Spiritual maturity is being ready to let go everything.
Giving up is a first step, but real giving-up is the insight
that there’s nothing to be given up, since nothing is your
property.”
SATSANGS WITH NISARGADATTA MAHARAJ
Maharaj: Prior to this moment, did you have this
knowledge that you exist? This Consciousness, beingness,
which you are experiencing now, was it there earlier?
Q: It has been, on and off.
Maharaj: A patient who is suffering from cancer is
constantly repeating, with absolutely no effort “I’m dying
from cancer.” Similarly, go on chanting, “I am
Consciousness.” One who is constantly awake in his true
nature, is liberated. A patient suffering from terminal
cancer always remembers his state, and ultimately
undergoes that death. Similarly, one who remembers that
he is knowledge and that he is Consciousness, becomes
the Parabrahman.
What if the moment you are about to take a photograph
of Bombay, I tell you, “No don’t take a photograph of what
you see, but take a photograph of Bombay without land. Is
it possible? That is exactly like taking a photograph of
yourself without the body. You have a body, but you are
like Bombay with no land. Remembering that you are
Consciousness should happen effortlessly. When I say,
“I,” I don’t refer to this body’s “I,” but to that “I”, which
represents this Consciousness. Consciousness is “I,” and
you should use this knowledge when you act.
Q: I have been studying spiritual texts and practicing
sadhana, yet since I met Maharaj, things are becoming
clearer and clearer.
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Maharaj: What should be your ultimate conclusion after
reading so many books, doing sadhana and listening to
these talks? The conclusion should be that the hearer,
the knower, is not concerned with the body, mind and
Consciousness and that he is separate from the body.
Spirituality is nothing more that understanding this play
of Consciousness — try to find out what this fraud is, by
seeking its Source.
Q: Is the Source the Creator?
Maharaj: Nor the Source nor the universe have come to
tell you that they have created you. The mind, obsessed
by the idea of causality, invents creation and then
wonders, “Who is the Creator?” The mind itself is the
Creator. Even this is not quite true, for the created and its
Creator are one. The mind and the world are not separate.
Understand that what you think to be the world is your
own mind. All space and time are in the mind. There is
only imagination. It has absorbed you so much that you
just cannot grasp how far from reality you have wandered.
No doubt imagination is vastly creative. Universe upon
universe are built on it. Yet they are all in space and time,
past and future that do not exist. It is you who are in
movement and not time. Stop moving and time will cease.
Past and future will merge in the eternal now.
Q: Am I really Brahman?
Maharaj: The “I Am-ness”, the manifest Brahman, and the
Isvara are all only one; ponder over this and realize it. You
had this rare opportunity where all has been explained in
great detail, so take full advantage of it. You are the
manifest Brahman. I have told you many times what your
true nature is, but out of habit, you get involved again
and again in body identification. A stage has now arrived
where you must give up this body-identification. The
activities of the body will continue until the body drops
off, but you should not identify with the body and its
activities.
Q: How am I to disidentify from the body?
Maharaj: As you can see the body, then you are not the
body. You can watch your breath, so you are not the vital
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breath. In the same way, you are not Consciousness; but
you have to become one with the Consciousness. As you
stabilize in Consciousness, dispassion for the body and
its relative desires and needs occurs spontaneously. It is
a natural renunciation, not a deliberate one. Desires drop
off by themselves. This does not mean that you should
neglect your worldly duties; carry these out with full zest.
Q: I shall be grateful if I am told how to have peace of mind.
Maharaj: Because of the self, the atman, you are connected
to the world through the body. The self is nothing else but
the knowledge that “you are.” Meditate on that principle
by which you know “you are” and on account of which
you experience the world. Meditate on this knowledge
“you are,” which is Consciousness, and abide therein.
Q: But I cannot concentrate.
Maharaj: Ignore the mind the way you disregard the crowd
you encounter on the streets.
Q: Concentration eludes me. My mind is fickle.
Maharaj: Water flows constantly, yet you can use it when
you need it. Similarly, use the mind to meet your needs
and then let it flow by itself without your interference and
involvement, like the flow of a river from where you take
water only when needed.
Q: Why do I have so many thoughts rushing in the mind?
Maharaj: Your thoughts are really not your own thoughts;
they are all collective thoughts. You think that you are
the one who has the thoughts, but in reality thoughts arise
in Consciousness. As our spiritual knowledge grows, our
identification with an individual body-mind diminishes,
and our Consciousness expands into universal
Consciousness.
Q: How do I remove thoughts and new concepts? If all
concepts and thoughts are removed, will I become one with
THAT?
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Maharaj: Do not try to become anything. Do nothing!
Without thinking on any of your words, remain quiet. Once
a word sprouts it creates a meaning and then you ride on
it. You follow the meanings of your words and claim that
you are in search of your self. So be wakeful to that state
which is prior to the sprouting of words. Did you ever have
the opportunity to associate with any Sages?
Q: When I try to track down the self it seems to me that it
creates more selves.
Maharaj: But who is that sees so many selves? One thought
produces further thoughts. Who observes the first thought?
Only you are the observer of the first thought. If the knower
of the very first thought is not there, who will observe the
other thoughts?
Q: If the knower is not, will there also be no thoughts?
Maharaj: If you understand this, everything is over — you
can go. To expound and propagate concepts is simple. But
to drop all concepts is difficult and rare.
Q: As an individual can we go back to the Source?
Maharaj: Not as an individual; the knowledge “I Am” must
go back to its own source. Now, Consciousness has
identified with a form. Later, it understands that it is not
that form and goes further. In a few cases it may reach the
space, and very often, it stops there. In a very few cases, it
reaches its real source, beyond all conditioning. It is
difficult to give up the inclination of identifying the body
as the self. I am not talking to an individual; I am talking
to the Consciousness. It is Consciousness, which must
seek its source. Out of that no-being-state comes the
beingness. It comes as quietly as twilight, with just a feeling
of “I Am”, and then, suddenly, space is there. There is no
individual. There is only you, the total functioning is you,
Consciousness is you. You are Consciousness, all the titles
of the Gods are your names, but by clinging to the body
you hand yourself over to time and death — you are the
one imposing it on yourself. Your true nature is open and
free, but you cover it up, you give it various designs.
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Q: I have been reading Paul Brunton’s work on Ramana
Maharshi. I have been listening attentively to your
Satsangs.
Maharaj: Your spiritual background is ready, that is why
you listen to the talks and try to understand them. Other
people quarrel with me with their concepts. They are
brimming over with concepts, with the result that they are
unable to listen to what I say. Many people come here,
presuming themselves to be very knowledgeable, but I
know that they are only very ignorant only. However, they
are, I consider them as Consciousness alone.
Q: At certain moments I think I am “like this,” at other
moments I think I am “like that.”
Maharaj: Who other than you is observing those moments?
You are the witness of these moments. Whatever is seen
and perceived and also whatever you see inside and
outside you that you are not. All your identities at the
body-mind level have been changing continuously, and
none of them has been constant and faithful to you. Why
then are you attracted to any of such identities by stating,
“I am like this,” “I am like that”? In meditation, you might
convince yourself “I am Guru Nanak” or as some people
in their meditation firmly believe: “I am Bhagavan Sri
Krishna.” None of such identities has any stability. The
only stable one is the observer of those identities, and you
alone are that observer — the eternal one. Take the
example of a poor actor who played the role of a king so
splendidly that he received a lot of praise. But he is not
the king. Similarly, you are not Guru Nanak. You are the
observer. Whatever you see and perceive is all the play of
Maya, the illusive principle.
Q: Why did this Consciousness arise?
Maharaj: You are both the question and the answer. All
your questions come from your identification with the
body. How can any questions relating to that which was
prior to the body and Consciousness be answered? There
are yogis who have sat in meditation for many, many years
seeking answers to this question, but even they haven’t
understood it. And yet you are complaining.
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Q: It is a great mystery.
Maharaj: It’s a mystery only to the ignorant. To the one
not identified with the body, it is no longer a mystery.
Q: Do we have to discard all knowledge?
Maharaj: You must have a thorough knowledge of this
Consciousness, and having known everything about the
Consciousness you come to the conclusion that it is all-
unreal, and then it should drop off.
Q: Should all spiritual disciplines be dropped?
Maharaj: At the highest level this is so; at the earlier levels
you have to do your homework. Those who are able
intuitively to grasp this lose their interest in worldly affairs.
Those who have comprehended and who have reached a
certain stage will not ask for anything, but everything will
come to them spontaneously. There will be no wish for it;
nevertheless, all they need will be there. This happens
only to the ones who have become one with their true
nature.
Q: Where does Consciousness come from?
Maharaj: It never comes or goes, it just appears to have
come.
Q: Why does Maharaj know this and we do not?
Maharaj: It is not difficult for you to know also, but with
what identity are you asking?
Q: Can Maharaj, out of compassion, give me a push into
that state of universal Consciousness?
Maharaj: Yes, of course, I can do that, but you must listen
to me, you must have complete faith in whatever I tell you
about yourself, and you must behave accordingly. By
nature I am non-manifest, yet I am manifested, but I am
really not manifested. The sense of “I” has come and has
gone, that is all, I am not going to die. One who has rejected
this identity will understand.
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Q: Maharaj said that he is not going to die?
Maharaj: How can one who is not born, die?
When people first learned about this illness, those who
have affection for me came to talk to me, or wrote to me,
giving advice and medicine. Whatever is to happen will
happen. I don’t have fear, so I don’t have to do anything
about this illness.
Q: What is sat-chit-ananda?
Maharaj: It is words. You can take it that sat-chit-ananda
is the limit, which your mind can describe of that state,
which cannot be described. Your true state is non-
manifest; the manifestation comes and the words come.
The one who experiences sat-chit-ananda is there before
the experience.
Q: Maharaj has said, in this respect, that the teachings
were his Guru’s, but the understanding was his.
Maharaj: My Guru told me that Consciousness alone is
the Guru, all other developments sprouted within me. The
fruit should grow on your own plant. I should not sow my
understandings in you.
Q: Does Maharaj see us as individuals?
Maharaj: There are no individuals; there are only food
bodies with the knowledge “I Am”. There is no difference
between an ant, a human being, and Isvara; they are of
the same quality. The body of an ant is small, an elephant’s
is large. The strength is different, because of size, but the
life-force is the same.
Q: If there is no difference between what is prior to birth
and what is after death there is no difference, is there any
reason for attempting to learn who we are now? Isn’t it all
the same?
Maharaj: The light coming from the sun and the sun itself
- is there any difference?
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Q: The only difference is what happens in the middle?
Maharaj: Whatever happens between birth and death is
also an expression of the Consciousness only. Even in the
realm of Consciousness you pass the time entertaining
various concepts; what else are you doing?
Q: Is Maharaj playing with various concepts?
Maharaj: No. It is Consciousness, It plays by Itself.
Q: I am aware that I came here because Maharaj is a mirror,
but this time he is showing me that I am my own mirror.
Maharaj: That is why you should not stay for long.
Q: What am I to face if I follow your teaching?
Maharaj: Just realize the one Mover behind all that moves
and leave all to Him. If you do not hesitate, this is the
shortest way to reality. Stand without desire and fear,
relinquishing all control and responsibility. This is divine
madness. Control and responsibility are only in the mind.
As long as you imagine yourself to be in control, you
should also imagine yourself to be responsible. Either you
are responsible for nothing, or for everything. Yet the
Source acts through all. Why worry? You are addicted to
doership. Give up your addiction. There is nothing else to
give up. Stop your habit of looking for results and freedom
will be yours. You are always seeking pleasure, avoiding
pain, always after happiness and peace. The ending of this
pattern is the end of the self. The ending of the self with its
desires and fears enables you to return to your real
nature, the source of all happiness and peace. Don’t you
see that it is your search for happiness that makes you
feel miserable? Try the other way: indifferent to pain and
pleasure, neither asking nor refusing, give all your
attention to the level on which ‘I am’ is timelessly present.
Accept the pain allotted to you and you will discover in
pain a joy which pleasure cannot yield, for the simple
reason that acceptance of pain takes you much deeper
than pleasure does. Develop the witness attitude and you
will find in your own experience that detachment brings
control. Acceptance of pain, non resistance, courage and
endurance open deep and perennial sources of real
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happiness. Desires and fears are all mind-made. Give up C H A P T E R 33

the bandage of self-concern and be what you are:
intelligence and love in action. Be honest with yourself,
and just love what you love – don’t strive and strain.
Surrender to your own self of which everything is an Sri Ramana Maharshi: A Profile
expression. Beware of all that makes you dependant. Most
of the so-called ‘surrenders to the Guru’ end in
disappointment, if not in tragedy. Fortunately an earnest
seeker will disentangle himself in time, the wiser for the
experience.
Q: What does the term surrender imply?
Maharaj: Self-surrender is the surrender of all self-
“Of all Yogis, only he who rests his unwavering mind
concern. It cannot be done, it happens when you realize
and love in me is dear to me. “
your true nature. Verbal and intellectual surrender is of
little value and breaks down under stress. Accept life as it
comes and you will find it a blessing. The preparation is
gradual, the change is sudden and complete. You cannot
see yourself as independent of everything unless you drop
everything and remain unsupported and undefined. Once
you know yourself, it is immaterial what to do, but to realize
your independence, you must test by letting go all you
were dependent on.
Sri Ramana Maharshi is probably the most famous
Indian Sage of the twentieth century. He was renowned
for the fullness of his self-realization, and for the feelings
of deep peace that visitors experienced in his presence.
He answered questions for hours every day, but never
considered himself to be anyone’s Guru. Ramana
Maharshi was born on December 30, 1879 in a village
called Tirucculi about 30 miles south of Madurai in
southern India. His parents named him Venkataraman.
His father died when he was twelve, and he went to live
with his uncle in Madurai, where he attended the
American Mission High School. The ultimate
understanding happened spontaneously when he was
only 16. Six weeks later he ran away to the holy hill of
Arunachala where he remained for the rest of his life. For
several years he was in silence and every day the stage of
samadhi would happen.

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For some time after his awakening, young Ramana sat
perfectly still in the temple at Arunachala. Ramana
practiced tapas in the thousand-pillared Temple, near the
Patala Linga, in Subrahmanya’s shrine, in the Mango
garden, the Sadguru Swami cave and Cora hills. From
1909 to 1916 he lived in the Virupakshi Cave. Ramana
Maharshi was known as Brahmana Swami in
Tiruvannamalai. During these early years, he was so
deeply absorbed in bliss that he was totally unconcerned
if bedbugs covered his legs, or if stones were thrown at
him. Since he was still quite young, the depth of his silence
and the power of his presence began to attract seekers
from all parts of the world. For years he did not even notice
them, as his attention was totally inwardly absorbed.
For many years, his guidance was given mostly in
silence. When he came out of his constant silence, people
started to come and ask him questions, and
Venkataraman soon acquired a reputation as a Sage. In
1907, when he was 28, one of his early devotees named
him Bhagavan Sri Ramana Maharshi, and the name
remained. Eventually an ashram was built around him
although he never wanted one.
When Ramana’s body grew old and was ravaged by a
painful cancer, his disciples were desperate to find some
cure but Ramana would simply point out one should not
give too much importance to the body. “There is no need
to worry,” he would say, “the body is itself a disease. Let it
have its natural end.” The doctors who were attending
Ramana during those final months of his illness were
amazed at his indifference to pain. Once he quoted to his
doctor a verse from Yoga Vashista: “The Jnani who has
found himself as formless, pure Awareness is unaffected,
though his body be cleft with a sword. Sugar candy does
not lose its sweetness though broken or crushed.”
In the final days before his physical death, Ramana
reminded a grieving devotee, “They take this body for
Bhagavan and attribute suffering to him. What a pity. They
are worried that Bhagavan may leave them. Where can he
go, and how?”
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Sri Ramana Maharshi: A Profile
Ramana Maharshi died of cancer in 1950 at the age
of 70.
BRIEF HINTS ON RAMANA MAHARSHI’S TEACHING
It was Ramana’s basic thesis that the individual self is
nothing more than a thought or an idea. He said that this
thought, which he called ‘I’-thought, originates from a
place called the Heart-centre, which is located on the right
side of the chest in the human body. From there the ‘I’-
thought rises up to the brain and identifies itself with the
body: ‘I am this body.’ It then creates the illusion that there
is a mind or an individual self, which inhabits the body
and controls all its thoughts and actions. The ‘I’-thought
accomplishes this by identifying itself with all the
thoughts and perceptions, and this process brings forth
identification as doers: ‘I am doing this’, ‘I’ am thinking
this, ‘I’ am feeling happy, etc. Thus, the idea that one is an
individual doer is generated by its in-grooved habit of
constantly identifying with all the thoughts that arise.
Ramana stressed that one could reverse this process by
depriving the ‘I’-thought of all the thoughts and
perceptions that it normally identifies with, and specified
that this ‘I’-thought is actually an unreal entity. It merely
appears to exist the moment the ‘I’ thought identifies itself
with other thoughts. He taught that if one succeeded in
breaking the connection between the ‘I’-thought and the
thoughts it identifies with, the ‘I’-thought itself will subside
and finally disappear. As a technique, Ramana suggested
Self-inquiry. By Self-enquiry he suggested holding onto
the inner feeling of ‘I am’, excluding all other thoughts
and that to maintain one’s attention on this inner feeling
of ‘I’, one should constantly question oneself ‘Who am I?’
or ‘Where does this ‘I’ come from?’ He constantly reminded
the seekers that if they succeeded in remaining centered
on this inner feeling of ‘I’, excluding all other thoughts,
the ‘I’-thought would start to subside into the Heart-centre.
This, according to Sri Ramana, was the only thing
seekers could “do”, as once the mind had been emptied
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of all thoughts except the ‘I’-thought, it is the power of the
Self, which pulls the ‘I’-thought back into the Heart-centre
and eventually destroys it, therefore the Source or God
were totally in charge and none of our ‘doing’. When
realization happens, the mind and the individual self -
both of which Sri Ramana equated with the ‘I’-thought -
are destroyed forever. Only the Atman or the Self remains.
Self-enquiry also involves a second question, “To whom
does this thought arise?” And Ramana would invariably
answer, “Know the doubter. If the doubter is held, the
doubts will not arise. When the doubter ceases to exist,
there will be no doubts arising. From where will they arise?
All are jnanis, jivan-muktas, but nobody is aware of it.
Doubts must be uprooted and this entails that the doubter
must be uprooted. Whenever the mind goes astray and
your concentration is interrupted by a thought, during
meditation or Self analysis, ask yourself, ‘To whom does
this thought arise?’ because the answer causes the
attention to return to the feeling of ‘I’ where it belongs.
Ramana Maharshi sometimes described the heart
center as an actual object located in the right side of the
chest, but at other times he said this was a simplification
for those who couldn’t understand Truth: “When I speak
of the ‘I’ rising from the right side of the body, from a
location on the right side of the chest, the information is
for those seekers, who still think that they are the body.
To these people I say that the Heart has a physical location,
but it is really not quite correct to say that the ‘I’ rises
from and merges in the Heart on the right side of the chest.
The Heart is another name for the Reality and it is neither
inside nor outside the body; there can be no ‘in or out’ for
It, since It alone is. In reality, by the term ‘Heart’ I do not
mean any physiological organ or plexus.
“What is essential in any practice is to try to keep the
mind in check, bringing it back when it wavers, and fixing
it on the ‘Who am I?’ That alone is Self-enquiry. That is all
that is to be done!”
Ramana Maharshi often said that yoga and self-enquiry
are two methods of controlling the mind, which he
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Sri Ramana Maharshi: A Profile
compared to an agitated bull. Yoga attempts to drive the
bull with a stick, while self-enquiry coaxes it with green
grass. Ramana always stressed, “There is only one Self
and nothing but the Self. Know that and everything else
is known. Desirelessness is refraining from turning the
mind towards any object. Wisdom means the appearance
of no object. Not seeking what is other than the Self is
detachment or desirelessness.”
Ramana was a living example of the teaching of the
Upanishads. His life was at once the message and the
philosophy of his teachings. His message is, “Know
Thyself”. He never tired of teaching, “Know Thyself and
all the rest will be known. Discriminate between the
undying, unchanging, all-pervading, infinite Atma and
the ever-changing, phenomenal and perishable universe
and body. Enquire, ‘Who am I?’ Make the mind calm. Free
yourself from all thoughts other than the simple thought
of the Self or Atma. Dive deep into the chambers of your
heart. Find out the real, infinite ‘I’. Rest there peacefully
for ever and become identical with the Supreme Self. Man’s
real nature is happiness. Happiness is inborn in the true
Self. Man’s search for happiness is an unconscious search
for his true Self. The true Self is imperishable; therefore,
when a man finds it, he finds lasting happiness. In the
interior cavity of the heart, the One Supreme Being is ever
glowing with the Self-conscious emanation I...I... To
realize Him, enter into the heart with an one-pointed
mind—by quest within or diving deep or control of breath—
and abide with the Self of self.” At the basis the teaching,
yet in other terms, was disidentification from individual
doership, as Ramana stressed
“The feeling of ‘I work” is the hindrance. Ask your
self ‘who works? What is destined to happen will
happen. If you are destined not to work, work cannot
be had even if you hunt for it; If you are destined to
work, You will not be able to avoid it; You will be forced
to engage yourself in it; so, leave it to the Higher Power;
you cannot renounce or retain as you choose.
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RAMANA’S SPONTANEOUS TRANSFORMATION
“It was about six weeks before I left Madurai for good,
in the middle of the year 1896, that the great change in
my life took place. It was so sudden. One day I sat up
alone on the first floor of my uncle’s house. I was in my
usual good health, but a sudden and unmistakable fear
of death seized me. I felt I was going to die and at once
started thinking what I should do. I did not care to consult
nor a doctor nor elders or a friend. I felt I had to solve the
problem myself, then and there. The shock of the fear of
death made me at once introspective or ‘introverted’. I said
to myself mentally, ‘Now that death has come, what does
it mean? Who is it that is dying? This body dies’. So, I
extended my limbs and held them rigid as though rigor
mortis had set in. I imitated a corpse to lend an air of reality
to my further investigation. I held my breath and kept my
mouth closed, pressing my lips tightly together, so that
no sound could escape. ‘Well then’ I said to myself, ‘this
body is dead. It will be carried to the crematory and
reduced to ashes. But with the death of my body, am I
dead? Is the body I? This body is silent and inert. But I
am still aware of the full force of my personality and even
of the sound of ‘I’ within myself as apart from the body.
The material body dies, but the Spirit transcending it
cannot be touched by death. I am therefore the deathless
Spirit’. All this was not a feat of intellectual gymnastics,
but came as a flash before me vividly as living Truth, which
I perceived immediately, without any argument almost.
‘I’ was something very real, the only real thing in that state,
and all the conscious activity that was connected with
my body was centered on that. The ‘I’ or myself was holding
the focus of attention with a powerful fascination. Fear of
death vanished at once and forever. The absorption in the
Self has continued from that moment right up to now”.
SATSANGS WITH RAMANA MAHARSHI
Q: What is the means to gain the state of eternal bliss?
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Ramana: Apart from the statement in the Veda that
wherever there is body there is unhappiness, this is also
the direct experience of all people; therefore, one should
enquire into one’s true nature, which is ever bodiless,
and one should remain as such. This is the means to
gaining that state.
Q: I came to inquire about “Who am I?”
Ramana: Actions such as ‘going’ and ‘coming’ belong only
to the body. And so, when one says “I went, I came”, it
amounts to saying that the body is “I”. But, can the body
be said to be the Consciousness “I,” since the body was
not before it was born, is made up of the five elements, is
non-existent in the state of deep sleep, and becomes a
corpse when dead? Can this body, which is inert like a
log of wood be said to shine as “I” “I”?
Q: I suffer so much. What can I do?
M: Oh! Are you suffering very much? When a man sleeps
he dreams he is being beaten and that he is suffering
terribly. All that would be quite real at that time. But when
he wakes up he knows it was only a dream. Similarly when
Jnana dawns, all the miseries of this world would appear
to be merely a dream. When a man sleeps he dreams he is
being beaten and that he is suffering terribly. All that
would be quite real at that time. But when he wakes up
he knows it was only a dream. Similarly when Jnana
dawns, all the miseries of this world disappear.
Q: What am I to shun?
Ramana: The sense of being an individual soul.
Q: Is the theory of reincarnation true?
Ramana: Reincarnation exists only so long as there is
ignorance. There is really no reincarnation at all, either
now or before. Nor will there be any hereafter. This is the
truth.
Q: Do Sages or yogis know about their past lives?
Ramana: Do you know the present life that you wish to
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know the past? Find the present, the rest will follow. Even
with our present limited knowledge, you suffer so much;
why should you burden yourself with more knowledge?
Is it to suffer more?
Q: What are the characteristics of the Sage?
Ramana: ‘I am not the body; I am Brahman, which is
manifest as the Self. In me who am the plenary Reality,
the world consisting of bodies, is a mere appearance, like
the ‘blue of the sky’. He who has realized the truth thus is
a Sage, a jivan-mukta. Yet, so long as his mind has not
been resolved, there may arise some misery even for the
realized one because of relation to objects on account of
prarabdha - karma, which has begun to fructify and whose
result is the present body, and as the movement of mind
has not ceased there will not be also the experience of
bliss. The experience of Self is possible only for the mind
that has become subtle and unmoving as a result of
prolonged meditation. He who is thus endowed with a
mind that has become subtle, and who has the experience
of the Self is called a jivan-mukta.
ON GURU –DISCIPLE RELATIONSHIP
Q: What is Guru-kripa?
Ramana: Guru is the Self.... There are some steps. At a
certain moment in life men may become dissatisfied with
what they have and seek the satisfaction of their desires,
through prayer to God. The mind is gradually purified until
they long to know God, The Source takes the form of a
Guru and teaches him the Truth and, moreover, purifies
his mind by association. By silence and meditation it is
further purified and it remains still without the least ripple.
That calm Expanse is the Self. The Guru is both ‘external’
and ‘internal’. From the ‘exterior’ He gives a push to the
mind to turn inward; from the ‘interior’ He pulls the mind
towards the Self and helps in the quieting of the mind.
That is Guru-kripa. There is no difference between God,
Guru and the Self.
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Q: In the Theosophical Society they meditate in order to
seek Masters to guide them.
Ramana: The Master is within; meditation is meant to
remove the ignorant idea that He is only outside. If He
were a stranger whom you await, He is bound to disappear
also. Where is the use for a transient being like that? But
as long as you think you are separate or that you are the
body, so long is the Master ‘without’ also necessary, and
He will appear as if with a body. When the disidentification
from the body happens, the Master will be found as none
other than the Self.
Q: Will the Guru help us to know the Self?
Ramana: Does the Guru hold you by the hand and whisper
in the ear? You may imagine him to be what you are
yourself. Because you think you are with a body, you think
He has also a body, to do something tangible to you. His
work lies within, in the spiritual realm.
Q: How is the Guru found?
Ramana: God, Who is immanent, in His Grace
compassionately manifests Himself according to the
devotee’s development. The devotee thinks that He is a
man and expects a relationship as between two physical
bodies. The Self whether incarnate in a Guru works from
within. From within the Self guides, until man realizes
the Self within.
Q: Why should one practice silence and solitude?
Ramana: Silence, however vast and emphatic, is the most
potent form of work. While, however vast and emphatic may
the Scriptures be, they fail in their effect. The Guru is quiet
and grace prevails in all. This silence is vaster and more
emphatic than all the Scriptures put together. Solitude is
an attitude of the mind. One might be in the thick of the
world and yet maintain in perfect serenity, while another
person may be in the forest, but unable to control his
thoughts through the witnessing process and Self- enquiry.
Q: Can the devotee attain happiness?
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Ramana: When the devotee truly surrenders himself to
the Master or God, it means that there is no vestige of
individuality left. If the surrender is complete, all sense
of self is lost, and in that state there can be nor misery nor
sorrow. The Eternal Being is nothing but Happiness.
Happiness is always there. Eliminate the obstacles to
happiness. What are the obstacles? Identification with the
body and thinking you are the doer.
Q: Will you teach me how to follow your example?
Ramana: The Sadguru is within.
Q: Isn’t the living Sadguru necessary to guide me to
understand it?
Ramana: The Sadguru is within.
Q: I want a visible Guru.
Ramana: That visible Guru says that HE is within.
Q: Tell me what method to follow.
Ramana: Where are you now? Where should you go?
Q: I know I am; but I do not know what I am.
Ramana: ‘I” is always there.
Q: Then I have to conclude that I am Consciousness and
that nothing occurs except in my presence.
Ramana: It is one thing to conclude by reasoning and
another thing to be convinced.
Q: Is grace necessary?
Ramana: If you had surrendered the ego, doubts would
not arise. Grace is ever present. All what is necessary is
that you surrender the ego. If one surrenders oneself there
will be no one to ask questions or to be thought of. Either
the thoughts are eliminated by holding on to the root
thought ‘I’ or one surrenders oneself unconditionally to a
Higher Power. These are the only two ways for Realization.
Q: Then if grace is the Self, should I surrender to my own
Self?
Ramana: Yes. To the one from whom the grace is sought.
God, Guru and Self are only different forms of the Self.
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Surrender is to give oneself up to the original cause of
one’s being. Do not delude yourself by imagining to have
some God outside you. The Source is within yourself. Give
yourself up to It. This means you should seek the Source
and merge in It. When you merge in the Self there will be
no individuality left. You will become the Source Itself. In
that case what is surrender? Who is to surrender what to
whom. This constituted devotion, wisdom and
investigation. Your duty is “to be” and not to be this or
that. I AM THAT I AM sums up the whole Truth.
Q: How does speech arise?
Ramana: There is abstract knowledge, where the ego arises,
which in turn gives rise to thought, and thought to the
spoken word. So the word is the great-grandson of the
original Source. But people do not understand this simple,
bare Truth, the Truth of their everyday, ever-present and
eternal experience. There is speaking, but you are not the
speaker.
Q: Kindly give a short cut if there exists one.
Ramana: The ‘I’ casts off the illusion of ‘I’ and yet remains
as ‘I’. Such is the paradox of Self-Realization. The realized
do not see any contradiction in it. Take the case of bhakti.
I approach Ishwara and pray to be absorbed in Him. I then
surrender myself in faith and by concentration. What
remains afterwards? In place of the original ‘I’, perfect self-
surrender leaves a residuum of God in which the ‘I’ is lost.
This is the highest form of devotion, surrender or height of
dispassion, vairagya.
You think it means giving up this and that of ‘your’
possessions, while if you give up ‘I’ and ‘mine’ instead, all
possessions are given up at a stroke and the very seed of
possession is lost.
Thus the evil is nipped in the bud or crushed in the
germ itself. Dispassion must be very strong to do this.
ON SELF-ENQUIRY
Q: Is enquiry only the means for removal of the false belief
of selfhood in the gross body, or is it also the means for
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removal of the false belief of selfhood in the subtle and
causal bodies?
Ramana: Enquiry entails getting rid of the wrong
identification with the body as the doer. This must go before
good results may follow. Only if that first person, the ego,
in the form of ‘I am the body’ exists, will the second and
third person – you, he, she, they-exist. By scrutinizing
deeply the reality and truth of the first person, the ego is
destroyed. So long as the sense of doership is retained,
there is desire. That is also personality. If this goes the
Self is found.
Agitation of mind is the cause of desire, the sense of
doership and personality. If that is stopped, there is peace
and quiet. Hence one must take things as they come in
accordance with one’s traditions, but one must be free from
the feeling that one is doing them oneself. The feeling that
I am doing is the bondage. All difficulties are due to the
fact that today man thinks he is the doer. It is the Higher
Power, which does everything and man is only the tool.
All the activities that the body is to go through are
determined when it first comes into existence. It does not
rest with you to accept or reject them. The only freedom
you have is to turn your mind inward and renounce all
activities. Each person has come into manifestation for a
certain purpose and that purpose will be accomplished
whether he considers himself to be the actor or not. Karma
Yoga is that Yoga in which the person does not arrogate to
himself the function of being the actor. All actions go on
automatically. So Karma Yoga means action without
doership.
Q: The Gita teaches that one should have an active life
from beginning to end.
Ramana: Yes, the actorless action. Let us understand what
karma is, whose karma it is and who is the doer. Analyzing
them and enquiring into their truth, one is obliged to
remain as the Self in peace. Nevertheless even in that state
actions will go on.
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Q: How will the actions go on if I do not act?
Ramana: Who asks this question? Is it the Self or another?
Is the Self concerned with actions? No, and not being
concerned with actions the questions do not arise
Q: So I have to do karma yoga and help others?
Ramana: Who is there for you to help? Who is the ‘I’ that is
going to help others? First clear this point then you can
do karma yoga.
Q: This means ‘realize the Self’. Does my realization help
others?
Ramana: Yes. It is the only help you can possibly render
to others, but in reality there are no others to be helped.
When you identify yourself with body-consciousness,
name and form are there. But when you transcend body
consciousness, the others also disappear.
Q: Is the destroying of the identification with the body - as
the doer - the highway?
Ramana: It is on the gross body that the other bodies subsist.
In the false belief of the form “I am the body” are included
all the three bodies consisting of the five sheaths. And
destruction of the false belief of selfhood in the gross body
is itself the destruction of the false belief of selfhood in the
other bodies. So enquiry is the means to removal of the
false belief of selfhood in all the three bodies.
Q: Why should the path to release be differently taught?
Will it not create confusion in the minds of aspirants?
Ramana: Several paths are taught in the Vedas to suit the
different grades of qualified aspirants. Yet, since release
is but the destruction of mind, all efforts have for their aim
the control of mind. Although the modes of meditation may
appear to be different from one another, in the end all of
them become one. There is no need to doubt this. One
may adopt that path, which suits the maturity of one’s mind.
The control of prana which is yoga, and the control of
mind which is jnana these are the two principal means for
the destruction of mind.
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To some, the former may appear easy, and to others
the latter.
Yet, jnana is like subduing a turbulent bull by coaxing
it with green grass, while yoga is like controlling through
the use of force. Thus the wise ones say: of the three grades
of qualified aspirants, the highest reach the goal by making
the mind firm in the Self, through the process of
determining the nature of the real, by Vedantic enquiry,
and by looking upon one’s self and all things as of the
nature of the real; the mediocre by making the mind stay
in the heart and meditating for a long time on the real,
and the lowest grade, by gaining that state in a gradual
manner through breath-control, etc.
Q: What is the meaning of jnana?
Ramana: The mind should be made to rest in the heart till
the destruction of the ‘I’-thought. This itself is jnana; this
alone is dhyana also. The rest are a mere digression of
words, digression of the texts. Therefore, if one gains the
skill of retaining the mind in one’s Self through some
means or other, one need not worry about other matters.
The great teachers have also taught that the devotee is
greater than the yogis and that the means to release is
devotion, which is of the nature of reflection on one’s own
Self. One should understand the rest by inference and,
after having analyzed all those other techniques, the great
ones will agree that Self-analysis is the shortest and the
best means.
Q: It seems that such enquiry leads to self-worship. Kindly
explain.
Ramana: The jiva itself is Shiva; Shiva Himself is the jiva.
It is true that the jiva is no other than Shiva. When the
grain is hidden inside the husk, it is called paddy; when
it is de-husked, it is called rice. So the jiva’s search for the
Self is like the search for the sheep by the shepherd. But
still, the jiva that has forgotten its self, will not become the
Self through mere mediate knowledge. By the impediment
caused by the residual impressions gathered in previous
births, the jiva forgets again and again its identity with
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the Self, and is deceived, identifying itself with the body.
Will a person become a high officer by merely looking at
him? Is it not by steady effort in that direction that he could
become a highly placed officer? Similarly, the jiva, which
is in bondage through mental identification with the body,
should put forth effort in the form of reflection on the Self,
in a gradual and sustained manner; and when thus the
mind gets destroyed, the jiva would become the Self.
The reflection on the Self, which is thus practiced
constantly will destroy the mind, and thereafter will
destroy itself like the stick that is used to kindle the
cinders burning a corpse. It is this state that is called
release.
Q: If the jiva is by nature identical with the Self, what is it
that prevents the jiva from realizing its true nature?
Ramana: It is forgetfulness of the jiva’s true nature; this is
known as the power of veiling.
Q: If it is true that the jiva has forgotten itself, how does
the ‘I’-experience arise for all?
Ramana: The veil does not completely hide the jiva; it only
hides the Self-nature of ‘I’ and projects the ‘I am the body’
notion; but it does not hide the Self’s existence which is
‘I’, and which is real and eternal.
Q: Could you describe the Self?
Ramana: The Self is self-luminous without darkness and
light, and is the reality, which is self-manifest. Therefore,
one should not think of It as this or that. The very thought
of thinking will end in bondage. The purport of meditation
on the Self is to make the mind take the form of the Self.
Q: If I go on rejecting thoughts can I call it vichara?
Ramana: It may be a stepping-stone. But really vichara
begins when you cling to your Self and are already off the
mental movement, the thought-waves.
Q: Is it possible to practice at the same time the pranayama
belonging to yoga and the pranayama pertaining to
knowledge?
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Ramana: So long as the mind has not been made to rest in
the heart, either through absolute retention or through
enquiry. Hence, the pranayama of yoga is to be practiced
during training, and the other pranayama may be practiced
always. Thus, both may be practiced. It is enough if the
yogic pranayama is practiced till skill is gained in absolute
retention.
Q: It was stated that Brahman is manifest as the Self in the
form ‘I-I’, in the heart. To facilitate an understanding of
this statement, can it be still further explained?
Ramana: Is it not within the experience of all that during
deep sleep, swoon, etc., there is no knowledge whatsoever,
i.e. neither self-knowledge nor other-knowledge?
Afterwards, when there is experience of the form “I have
woken up from sleep” or “I have recovered from swoon” —
is that not a mode of specific knowledge that has arisen
from the aforementioned ‘distinctionless’ state?
Q: What is the purport of the teaching that one should
meditate, through the ‘I am He’ thought?
Ramana: The purport of teaching is that one should
cultivate the idea that one is not different from the self-
luminous Reality. One should meditate with the ‘I am He’
thought is this: soham; sah the supreme Self, aham the Self
that is manifest as ‘I’. The mind should be resolved in the
heart. One should get rid of the I sense. When thus one
enquires ‘Who am I?’ remaining undisturbed, in that state
the Self-nature becomes manifest in a subtle manner as
‘I-I’; that self-nature is all and yet none, and is manifest
as the supreme Self everywhere without the distinction of
inner and outer.. If, without meditating on that as being
identical with oneself, one imagines it to be different,
ignorance will not leave. If one meditates for a long time,
without disturbance, on the Self ceaselessly, with the ‘I
am He’ thought, which is the technique of reflection on
the Self, the darkness of ignorance, which is in the heart
and all the impediments, which are but the effects of
ignorance will be removed, and the plenary wisdom will
be gained.
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The body is the temple; the jiva is God (Shiva). If one
worships him with the ‘I am He’ thought, one will gain
release. The body which consists of the five sheaths is the
cave, the supreme that resides there is the lord of the cave.
Since the Self is the reality of all the gods, the
meditation on the Self, which is oneself, is the greatest of
all meditations. All other meditations are included in this.
It is for gaining this that the other meditations are
prescribed. So, if this is gained, the others are not
necessary. Knowing one’s Self, is knowing God.
Without knowing one’s Self that meditates, imagining
that there is a deity, which is different and meditating on
it, is compared by the great ones to the act of measuring
with one’s foot one’s own shadow, and to the search for a
trivial conch after throwing away a priceless gem that is
already in one’s possession.
Q: Is it possible to be conscious without thought?
Ramana: Yes. There is only one consciousness. In sleep
there is no I. The I-thought arises on waking and then the
world appears. Where was this I in sleep? Was it there or
not? It must have been there, yet not in the way you feel
now. The present is only the I-thought, whereas the
sleeping I is the real I. That subsists all through. That is
consciousness. If that is known you will see that it is
beyond thoughts. Thoughts may be like other activities,
not disturbing supreme Consciousness.
Q: I do not understand your reference to dreams and
mental illusion.
Ramana: Our experience of the world is evoked and
dissolved by the mind. When you travel from India to
London does your body really move? No! It is the
conveyance, which moves, and your body remains inside
it without itself traveling. It is the ship and the train that
travels. Just as these movements are superimposed upon
your body, so are visions, dream states and even re-
incarnations superimposed upon your real Self. The latter
does not move and is not affected by all these outward
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changes, remaining still in its own place even as the body Q: On enquiry into the origin of thoughts, there is a
remains still in the ship’s cabin. You are always the same perception of ‘I’. But it does not satisfy.
and hence beyond time and beyond space. In deep sleep Ramana: Quite right. The perception of ‘I’ is associated
you have no sense of time. The concept of time and space with a form, maybe the body. There should be nothing
arises only when there is the limitation of ‘I’. Even now associated with the pure Self. The Self is the un-associated,
the ‘I’ thought is both limitless and limited. So long as you pure Reality in whose light do the body and the ego shine?
think it to be the body, it is limited. At the time of waking On stilling all thoughts, only pure consciousness remains.
up and before one actually becomes fully aware of the When just awaking from sleep and before becoming aware
external world, that interval, timeless, spaceless, is the of the world, there is that pure ‘I’ - ‘I’.
state of the true I.
Hold to the ‘I-I’, without sleeping or without allowing
Why question do not arise in deep sleep? The fact is thoughts to possess you. If that is held firm, nothing
you have no limitations in sleep, and no questions arise. matters, even though one sees the world, as the seer
Whereas now you put on identification with the body and remains unaffected by the phenomena. If there were no
questions of this kind arise. Deep sleep is always present such activities as waking thoughts and dream thoughts,
even in the waking state. What we have to do is to bring there would not be the corresponding worlds, i.e. no
deep sleep into the waking state, to get “conscious sleep.” perception of them. In deep sleep there are no such
Realization can only take place in the waking state. Deep activities, and the world does not exist for us. In dreamless
sleep is relative to the waking state. Can that one sleep there is no world, no ego and no unhappiness. But
consciousness divide itself into two? Is the division of the the Self remains. In the wakeful state one has only to
Self felt? Awaking from sleep, on finds oneself the same remove the transitory happenings in order to realize the
in a wakeful as in a sleep state. That is the experience of ever-present beatitude of the Self. Your nature is bliss.
everyone. The difference lies in seeing, in the outlook. In Find that on which all the rest are superimposed and you
imagining that you are the seer separate from experience, then remain as the pure Self.
this difference appears. Experience says that your real is
the same all through. Do you feel the difference of external
and internal during your sleep? This difference is only
with reference to the body and arises with body-
consciousness (the ‘I-thought’). The so-called Jagat is itself
an illusion. Even the material sciences trace the origin of
the universe to some one primordial matter - very subtle.
God is the same both to those who say the Jagat is real and
their opponents. Their outlooks are different. You need
not enmesh yourself in such disputations. The goal is one
and the same for all. Look to it. The states of deep sleep,
waking and dreaming are accretions on the ego; the Self
is the witness of all. The Self transcends them all. This
Witness - Consciousness - should be found. In the Self
there are not separate states, no waking, sleeping or deep
sleep; It is ever there.

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C H A P T E R 34
Wei Wu Wei -
Terence Grey: A Profile
There is speaking , but no speaker -There is thinking , but no thinker-
There is no ‘you’ talking & ‘me’ listening - It is Consciousness talking &
Consciousness listening
The identity of Wei Wu Wei was not revealed at the time
of the publication of his first book in 1958, at the age of 63,
nor was he “known” outside of a certain circle of a select
few, as either Wei Wu Wei or Terence Gray. He remained
anonymous and it was only after his death that his true
identity became known to a more general spiritual public.
Wei Wu Wei, born Terence Grey in 1895 into a well-
established Irish family, was raised on an estate outside
Cambridge, England, and received a thorough education,
including studies at Oxford University. Early in life, in
the 20’s and 30’s, there was a period of involvement in the
arts in England, as a theatrical producer and publisher of
several related magazines. Somewhere along the way Gray
exhausted his interest in the avant-garde theater and
turned his mind towards philosophy and metaphysics. This
period includes also a lot of traveling around Asia,
including some time at the Ramana Ashram in
Tiruvannamalai.
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Wei Wu Wei - Terence Grey: A Profile
It is apparent from his writings that Wei Wu Wei had
studied in some depth both Eastern and Western
philosophy and metaphysics, as well as the more esoteric
teachings of all the great religions. It can also be
understood from his writings that he regarded himself as
merely one of the many seeking the so-called ‘liberation’,
and the works themselves were merely seen as a record of
this quest. Further to Ramana Maharshi Wei Wu Wei has
met many spiritual luminaries including Osborne, Robert
Powell,Alber Sorsen, and Dr. T. D. Suzuki.
Terence Grey died in 1986 at the age of 90.
TERENCE GREY’S TEACHINGS
IN HIS OWN WORDS
“Samsara is a subjective state. It is a ‘see-ing’ whereby
subjectivity projects apparent objects by means of apparent
subjects. This is called Duality. These apparent subjects,
negative as are all subjects, project apparent objects,
positive as are all objects, via a psychic mechanism known
as skandhas. whenever their subjectivity becomes
identified with a supposed aggregation of such skandhas.
The apparent subjects and objects, as objects, are in no
way different but, the subjects being negative and the
objects positive, when they are perceived in the same
direction of measurement, or dimension, or are
superimposed mutually fulfill one another (as do a
photographic negative and positive), and then present a
blank uniformity. So regarded they are no longer apparent
as subject and object: they are one and void. Nirvana is
also a subjective state. It is a no-seeing whereby
subjectivity, since it cannot perceive itself, is not manifest.
This is called Non-duality. Both states, which as
subjectivity are identical, can only be differentiated by
the projections known as sentient beings, whose faculty
of apprehension is itself subjectivity, via the skandha-
mechanism, and whose objective appearance is a
projection of subjectivity as Samsara. Consequently, by a
union or “superimposition” of the two states, negative and
positive, they mutually fulfill one another and become a
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blank uniformity or void, which is represented by the term
“ pure consciousness. “
This is the resolution of false dualities such as Non-
duality and Duality, of Nirvana and Samsara, of subject
and object, and it is always void. In 1973, an article
appeared on the periodical dedicated to the teachings of
Ramana Maharshi, The Mountain Path, attributed to a
mysterious ‘Wei Wu Wei’. In addition to these some articles
appeared also on the ‘The Mountain Path’, the periodical
dedicated to the teachings of Sri Ramana Maharshi. Only
after his death the real name came to light, Terence Grey.
An Irish gentleman who had met Ramana and many
eminent Buddhists and Tao philosophers had developed
a deep synthesis of Eastern non-dual philosophy and its
result in books has also had his joyful impact on
Ramesh Balsekar.
Terence Grey translated into many books the most
complicated texts on the central paradox of Taoism main
philosophy, Wei Wu Wei, “the action of non-action,” which
is, as a concept, second in importance only to the Tao itself.
His immense work has allowed Western readers to
appreciate in a modern and perfect English and in
accordance with our own processes of thought, one of the
most elusive of philosophy. Through his translations truth
goes straight to the heart of the matter and allows the mind
itself to develop its own vision.
Ramesh Balsekar, in his splendid book, The Ultimate
Experience, says “The whole story is that Wei Wu Wei’s
book ‘Open Secret’ was given to me as a present by a friend
of mine more than a decade before I started going to
Maharaj. When I first read it, I couldn’t make any sense
out of it. Except that I had the sense to realize that the
book was a real treasure; and I kept it aside, so that it might
not get thrown away with other books during one of the
clean ups. And for some unfathomable reason, I suddenly
thought of (more accurately, the thought occurred
concerning) the book almost immediately after I started
visiting Maharaj. I cannot describe the innumerable
intellectual frustrations I went through between the two
of them - Maharaj and Wei Wu Wei! I felt that the two of
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Wei Wu Wei - Terence Grey: A Profile
them had ganged up to have a private joke of their own, at
my expense!! It was indeed a gang up but, as I realized
some time later, it was to bring about an awakening in
this body-mind mechanism that was named Ramesh.
When I was reading Wei Wu Wei (I must have subsequently
read the book more than a hundred times - certain phrases
and whole lines used to come out of my lips when
translating Maharaj’s talks), I used to marvel at the
command of the English language, which a Chinese man
should have achieved. It was some time later that I gathered
that Wei Wu Wei was not a Chinese but a wealthy Irish
aristocrat, highly educated at Oxford University, an
authority on wines and race horses. I got this information
through a lady who used to visit Maharaj. She later sent
me a photograph of Wei Wu Wei with her. He was a giant of
a man. She mentioned ‘Pointers’ to him, and he expressed
a desire to see the book. I would have sent him a copy if I
had known his address. I did this as soon as I heard from
this mutual friend. I sent a copy to him at his villa in the
south of France with a letter expressing my gratitude for
the guidance I had received from his book. Unfortunately
at that time (Wei Wu Wei was almost ninety years of age)
senility was beginning to set in, but his wife read out the
book to him, and, in his lucid moments, he indicated that
he enjoyed the book. Our mutual friend told me that he
referred to ‘Pointers’ as ‘Wei Wu Wei without tears’. Some
years ago I was told that Wei Wu Wei is dead. His writings,
together with Maharaj’s teaching, helped me enormously.
But many people find his writing too abstruse.’
FLUSH ON HIS WISDOM IN A NUTSHELL
“The inadequacy of the short paragraphs that follow is
due to the insufficiency of their expression. They are
offered in the hope that the verity that underlies them may
penetrate the mist of their presentation and kindle a spark
that shall develop into the flame of fulfillment. Please be
so good as to believe that there is nothing whatever
mysterious about this matter. If it were easy, should we
not all be Buddhas? No doubt, but the apparent difficulty
is due to our conditioning. The apparent mystery, on the
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other hand, is just inability to perceive the obvious owing
to a conditioned reflex which causes us persistently to
look in the wrong direction!’
Wei.Wu.Wei. (1964)
QUOTES THAT SUM IT ALL UP
It is not for us to search but to remain still, to achieve
Immobility not Action.
There is no becoming. ALL IS.
The Saint is a man who disciplines his ego.
The Sage is a man who rids himself of his ego.
It is only the artificial ego that suffers.
The man who has transcended
his false ‘me’ no longer
identifies with his suffering.
We ourselves are not an illusory part of Reality; rather
are we Reality itself illusorily conceived.
Detachment is a state, it is not a tantalization of
achieved indifferences.
The notion that human life has greater value
than any other form of life is both unjustifiable and
arrogant.
Wise men don’t judge: they seek to understand.
Living should be perpetual and universal benediction.
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Play your part in the comedy, but don’t identify yourself
with your role!
On the phenomenal plane we seek pleasure and the
avoidance of pain.
On the noumenal plane we know the absence of both -
which is Bliss.
When you give a shilling to a beggar
- do you realize that you are giving it to yourself?
When you help a lame dog over a stile
- do you realize that you yourself are being helped?
When you kick a man when he is down
- do you realize that you are kicking yourself?
Give him another kick - if you deserve it!
Reality alone exists - and that we are. All the rest is only
a dream, a dream of the One Mind, which is our mind
without the ‘our’. Is it so hard to accept? Is it so difficult
to assimilate and to live?
We have only to eliminate the ego-notion by succeeding
in the difficult task of understanding that it does not
exist except as a notion.
Why are you unhappy?
Because 99.9 per cent
Of everything you think,
And of everything you do,
Is for yourself -
And there isn’t one.
What is your trouble? Mistaken identity.
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Truth is that which lies in a dimension
beyond the reach of thought.
Whole-mind has no ‘thoughts’,
thoughts are split-mind.
Realization is a matter of becoming conscious of ‘what’ is
already realized.
A man who is seeking for realization is not only going
round searching for his spectacles without realizing that
they are on his nose all the time, but also were he not
actually looking through them he would not be able to
see what he is looking for!
It is necessary to understand that I Am,
In order that I may know that I Am Not,
So that, at last, I may realize that,
I Am Not, therefore I Am.
We do not possess an ‘ego’.
We are possessed by the idea of one.
All the evil in the world, and all the unhappiness, comes
from the I-concept.
This ‘real’ nature with whose revelation the Chan
Masters are primarily concerned, or the Atman-’I’ of the
Vedantists, is not the far-off, unreachable will-o’-the-
wisp we are apt to imagine, but just the within of which
we know the without. It is just the other side of the
medal, and it lies wherever our senses and our intellect
cease to function.
One must know that one is not in order to be able to
understand that we are.
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Wei Wu Wei - Terence Grey: A Profile
A myriad bubbles were floating
on the surface of a stream.
’What are you?’ I cried to them as they drifted by.
’I am a bubble, of course’
nearly a myriad bubbles answered,
and there was surprise and indignation
in their voices as they passed.
But, here and there, a lonely bubble answered,
’We are this stream’, and there was neither surprise nor
indignation in their voices,
but just a quiet certitude.
Go to the Awakened Masters - and leave all your
baggage behind.
The purest doctrines, such as those of Ramana
Maharshi, Padma Sambhava, Huang Po and Shen Hui,
just teach that it is sufficient by analysis to comprehend
that there is no entity which could have effective
volition, that an apparent act of volition when in accord
with the inevitable can only be a vain gesture and, when
in discord, the fluttering of a caged bird against the bars
of his cage. When he knows that, then at last he has
peace and is glad.
Non-volitional living is glad living.
Are you still thinking, looking, living, as from an
imaginary phenomenal centre?
As long as you do that you can never
recognize your freedom.
What do you have to do?
Pack your bags,
Go to the station without them,
Catch the train,
And leave your self behind.
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I have only one object in writing books:
to demonstrate that there could not be anyone to do it.
What we appear to be is a fleeting shadow, a distorted
and fragmentary reflection of what we all are when we
no longer assume that we are that phenomenal
appearance.
It is only with total humility, and in absolute stillness of
mind that we can know what indeed we are.
As long as there is a ‘you’ doing or not-doing,
thinking or not-thinking,
’meditating’ or ‘not-meditating’
you are no closer to home
than the day you were born.
Having found no self that is not other,
The seeker must find that
there is no other that is not self,
So that in the absence of both other and self,
There may be known the perfect peace,
Of the presence of absolute absence
A RARE SATSANG WITH WEI WU WEI
Do you exist?
Noumenally I feel that I am, but I cannot find myself. And
the same goes for you and for every living being.
Why is that?
For the same reason that prevents us from seeing our own
face.
Wei Wu Wei - Terence Grey: A Profile
But you can see my face, and I can see yours.
Nonsense, perfect nonsense! We see nothing of the kind.
What we see when we look at one another and at anything
we can see at all, including our own feet, is just our object.
And our object is part of ourselves as its subject. Nobody
else can see us, because we have no objective existence
whatever, and we cannot see anybody else because they
have none. All of us can only see our own - objectifications
whatever they may be.
We do not exist as objects?
Of course not! No thing exists as an object. That is why
there is no such thing as an entity. How could there be?
Space and time are purely mental, concepts in mind.
Where else could an entity extend itself?
Then no object is independent?
None is dependent either. ‘Others’ are yourself as whatever
you ‘both’ are, and their apparent otherness as your objects
is entirely a part of your phenomenal mind. Phenomenal
existence or being, noumenally is not being. Absolutely,
it may be called as-it-isness. I begin to understand!
Of course you do! ‘Is that all it is?,’ as the T’ang dynasty
monk said, laughing, to his Master when he suddenly
understood, or ‘found himself awake’, as they put it.
No thing is—in its own right? Not even us?
No thing. Therefore there is no ‘us’—for ‘we’ are only one
another’s objects as ‘us’.
Then in what way are we?
Just total objective absence, which is the presence of that-
I-amness, which is what-I-amness, which is this-I-amness.
All of us are that?
All of us are not ‘that’, not ‘this’, not any concept at all.
Nothing mysterious about it. Nothing holy. Just
phenomenal nothingness, and the absence of the concept
of that (nothingness).
 AWAKENING TO CONSCIOUSNESS

Then we have no positive being whatever?

Positivity and negativity are phenomenal concepts. We are
not conceivable at all.

Then who lives?

You cannot find the doer of any deed, the thinker of any Books Referred
thought, the perceiver of any perception. The unfindable
is all that we are, and the unfindable is the found.

Confusion no more - Ramesh S.Balsekar

Consciousness Speaks –Ramesh S.Balsekar

The Ultimate Understanding – Ramesh S.Balsekar
Experiencing the Teaching –Ramesh S. Balsekar
Your Head In The Tiger’s Mouth – Ramesh S.Balsekar
Advaita, the Buddha and the Unbroken Whole –
Ramesh S.Balsekar
The Happening of a Guru; A Biography of Ramesh
Balsekar.
The Ultimate Medicine – Sri Nisargatta Maharaj
I AM THAT – Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
Nectar of Immortality - Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
Consciousness and the Absolute - -The Final Talks of
Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
Talks with Ramana Maharshi’.
Who Am I? – Ramana Ashram
Vision of the Greatest Mystic Unveiled – G.K. Pillai
Conscious Immortality: conversations with Ramana
Maharshi’- Paul Brunton
Fingers Pointing Towards The Moon –Wei Wu Wei
Why Lazarus Laughed: The essential Doctrine Zen-
Advaita-Tantra –Wei Wu Wei
Ask the Awakened; The Negative Way – Wei Wu Wei

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About the Author

Among the innumerable seekers born in Western

countries who have looked up to India as the symbol of ancient
wisdom and higher consciousness, many have been
spending long periods in close contact with great spiritual
teachers and chosen to invest all their energies and time in
the application of their teachings. Sandra Heber-Percy is one
of these great souls.
Born in Italy, in 1946, Sandra always had a very sensitive
and artistic nature, finding expression in painting, writing
and fashion design.
In 1988 she visited India and immediately fell in love with
its colorful culture and deep spirituality.
After living for nine years in Puttaparthi, Sandra set off
traveling around India to visit holy places and meet Saints,
Sages, yogis and enlightened masters.
The Himalayas attracted her in particular, and she finally
settled there where her delightful books ‘flow from above and
she lends her fingers’ as she often says.
Inspired by deep insights, she now lives in the Himalayas,
on the banks of the sacred river Ganges, to enjoy the peace
and share with readers what Consciousness wished her to
grasp through the cosmic play of the inner quest, and
innumerable Indian contemporary Saints and Sages.

Among her published works

In English
Yogis’ Secrets,
It’s All One Man’s Job
In Italian:
Dialogues with the Infinite (vol.I &II),
The Adepts of the Valley of Flowers,
A Rolls Royce in Exchange of Peace,
To live like God
THE GOLDEN BOOK.

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