Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at

http://download.archiveofourown.org/works/725216.

Rating: Explicit
Archive Warning: Choose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Category: M/M
Fandom: One Direction (Band)
Relationship: Zayn Malik/Liam Payne, Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Character: Niall Horan
Additional Tags: character illness, but with a happy ending?
Stats: Published: 2013-03-17 Words: 30199

I'll Be Strong For You

by scottmcniceass

Summary

When Zayn breaks his leg attempting to skateboard over Harry's car, he ends up stuck in
the hospital for two weeks. The only thing he doesn't hate about the hospital is the
gorgeous volunteer, Liam, who is almost annoyingly sunny and happy. But Liam's got a
secret a secret hidden behind his impossibly bright smile.

Notes

So, I watched A Very Potter Senior Year yesterday, and it put me in a really sad mood, so
I wanted to write something sad. With a happy ending, though, because I am a stickler for
happy endings, and I am far too weak to go through with unhappy ones.

Warnings: I obviously have no idea what I'm doing with medical terminology, so
everything in here is basically based on stuff i found on google, so a lot of it is probably
incredibly inaccurate. Also warnings for Sick! Liam.

See the end of the work for more notes

It was supposed to be a joke. He was drunk -- four shots and two cups of disgustingly warm beer
had his head swimming--, and for some reasons Louis ideas seem almost reasonable after a bit of
vodka. But whatever, Louis stupid ideas are not the point. The point is that it was supposed to be
a fucking joke. So the fact that he is being rushed to the hospital with a at least one major broken
bone (he knows for a fact his knee is fucked, but he thinks his arm might be broken too), while
still sort of a bit drink is just kind of fucking bullshit.

Someone touches his leg and Zayn attempts to sit up to tell them to fuck off, except he tries to lean
on his left arm, and pain explodes down the whole left side of his body and he cant do anything
but feebly fall back against the stretcher and close his eyes against the wave of nausea that surges
over him. Hes not quite sure if thats from the alcohol, the pain, or both. Probably both, actually.

He wants to blame this on Louis, he really does. Except he kind of cant, because Louis suggests
dumb shit all the time, and its not like Zayn had to agree to attempt to skate over Harrys piece of
crap car. That had been his own choice, and therefore it is his fault.

The next ten minutes are a blur of blood and pain and flashing lights. He blacks out at some point,
and when he wakes up again hes in a hospital room, the bed more than uncomfortable underneath
him, and his leg and arm are bandaged.

So youre awake, someone says, and Zayn struggles to open his eyes. They feel impossibly
heavy, and his head is still swimming. Youre on quite a lot of pain medication, in case youre
wondering.

Oh, Zayn says softly. Yeah, that makes sense. That would explain the heaviness of his head,
and the thickness of his tongue, but also the fact that his body doesnt really hurt at all, though
distantly he knows it probably should.

Care explaining to me how this happened? the man asks. Zayn can make out the hospital
scrubs, and a crinkly eyed smile that is probably supposed to be welcoming and warming, but it
mostly just pisses Zayn off because he hates fake people, and that smile is obviously fake.

Didnt Louis or Harry tell you what happened? Zayn asks. The words sound slurred even to his
own foggy mind, but that apparently cant be helped.

Yes, they did attempt to, the doctor says. But they were both fairly intoxicated and panicked,
and the only explanation I got from the two of them was jumbled and shouted at me.

Zayn would roll his eyes if he could remember how to. Got drunk. Attempted to skateboard over
a car. Failed to skateboard over car. Fell. You know the rest.

That I do, the doctor says, moving across the room. If you look here--, Zayn tries to, but he
really cant. Youve broken your left knee in several different places, and youve also fractured
your tibia quite severely, and Im afraid that nonsurgical healing will most likely not suffice. Oh,
and your mother is in the waiting room, and she seems fairly displeased with you.

Any chance you could drug me up a bit more before she gets in here? Zayn asks feebly.

His doctor laughs. Ill send her in, he says. And Id get comfortable if I were you, Zayn.
Youre going to be here for a while.

Zayn groans and wishes he were still drunk.

His mum is pissed, to say the least. After the half hour long lecture about him drinking, she spends
another ten telling him that Louis Tomlinson is a bad influence (he already knows that, thanks),
and then another five discussing his grounding after he leaves the hospital.

No skateboarding ever again, his mother says first, and Zayns mouth gapes open. Dont give
me that look, Zayn, if I catch you on a skateboard again you will be grounded until you graduate.
Thats eight months , Zayn says, appalled. That skateboard is like his car, he needs it to get to
school, and home, and the mall, and everywhere. She cant take that away from him.

Oh, Im not finished yet, his mother says, smiling. On top of that, your old curfew is reinstated.
You want to spend your nights drinking and doing childish things? Ill treat you like a child.
Youre in by eight every night, or I call the police and they can bring you home.

Youre overreacting, Zayn tells her.

Youre in a hospital bed , she points out. You dont get a say in whether or not Im
overreacting. Zayn closes his eyes and prays that she changes her mind when shes thinking
more rationally. And no cellphone for the next two weeks.

That is the final straw. That is his breaking point. That is the step over the line. No, Zayn says.
No, mum, seriously. Im stuck in here for that amount of time. Ill go fucking insane in here if I
dont have my phone. Come on, you cant be serious. Mum, please--,

You can beg all you want, she tells him. Im not changing my mind. Not this time. This time
youve gone too far, and I am done being lenient on you.

Zayn doesnt even attempt to argue with her anymore. Shes obviously not changing her mind any
time soon, and his mood is already pretty shitty given the circumstances. Fighting with his mum is
only going to make it worse. He figures shell change her mind anyways, eventually. Shell see
how ridiculous shes being; his mum is an intelligent, logical woman.

Ill leave this here, she says finally, dropping a bag onto the floor. This is your clothes, as well
as a few of your books to keep you busy. Ive already spoken to Louis mum and hell be getting
your schoolwork for you, so dont think that just because youre hurt youll be getting out of any
of your work. Youll have plenty of time to do it here.

So youre just leaving me here, then? Zayn demands.

I am, his mum says. Ill see you tomorrow during patient visiting hours. Until then, thats what
you are. Have fun eating cafeteria food, dear. Perhaps that will make you think twice about
drunkenly attempting to skateboard over your friends car.

--

Zayn hates the hospital. For one, it smells funny. For another, everyone is really, really depressing.
No one wants to be in a hospital (except pregnant women, maybe, but then again he took a roll
down the maternity ward yesterday and all he could hear was some woman shouting her head off
about the creature that was ripping through her vagina, so maybe theyre as unhappy about being
here as he is). Either youre hurt or your sick or even possibly dying, or youre visiting someone
who is hurt, or sick, or possibly dying. Everyone walks through the halls in a sort of rushed slump,
head down like they dont want to make eye contact, unless theyre one of the hospitals
employees, in which case they all walk with too bright smile ands their heads held high (up their
asses, he thinks).

On top of hating the hospital, Zayn also has the pleasure of being unable to walk anywhere. He
wants to go to the bathroom? Hes either got to call someone for help (not happening) or use the
wheelchair provided by the hospital. And everyone who works here likes to be up early, so theres
someone who comes in and cleans away his dishes every morning at about six, which is the most
satanic time in the morning, in Zayns opinion.

So overall he fucking hates everything, except on Thursday he decides that maybe theres one
thing about the hospital that he doesnt completely, fully hate.

Morning, the boy says, hesitantly pushing open his door. Do you mind if I come in?

Zayn takes in the light blue shirt hes wearing, a nametag pinned to it that reads Hi! Im a
volunteer! My name is: Liam . The Liam part is written in sloppy, thick writing, standing out in
black against the white.

Hello Liam, Zayn thinks lewdly. Liam is all kinds of attractive, in Zayns opinion. Okay, so
maybe Zayn sort of has a type, and Liam fits it completely -- in the looks department, at least. Hes
got a buzz cut that makes all his features stand out more. Tanned skin, thick biceps, a jaw line that
Clark Kent himself would be jealous of, outlined by a smattering of stubble that is light and just
barely noticeable. His shoulders stretch his blue volunteer shirt, and his jeans hang low enough on
his hips that Zayn can see the top of his boxers when he turns around to shut the door. And his
eyes are a warm, deep brown that Zayns itching to draw.

What are you doing? Zayn asks anyways, mostly because seriously , what is this guy doing?
Its, like, ten, so its not as if hes bringing Zayn lunch, and his breakfast dishes were cleared out
earlier by an older woman with beady eyes.

Liam turns back around to face him, and he tugs at the hem of his shirt sheepishly. Um, this is
going to sound really creepy, he admits, and fuck if the look on his face isnt endearingly
adorable. I might have noticed you rolling through the halls the last two days, and I thought you
looked interesting, and its really boring here, so I thought Id come introduce myself.

Zayns eyes narrow a bit. Shouldnt you be volunteering?

Liam looks confused for a moment, but then he look down at his nametag and his cheeks turn a
light shade of pink. Right, volunteering. He blinks at Zayn. Im on break?

You dont sound sure, Zayn says.

Im on break, Liam repeats more firmly. Then he grins. So whats your name, anyways? I
asked around but everyone around here is sort of extremely unhelpful.

Zayn considers giving him a fake one, just to fuck with him. Instead he says, Zayn, for reasons
he cant quite figure out.

Zayn, Liam repeats, like hes testing the way it feels on his tongue. Zayn sort of wants to test the
way Liams skin would feel on his tongue, but he has a feeling that if he says as much, Liams
cheeks will turn even pinker.

Zayn closes the book he was reading and attempts to sit up a bit straighter. Hes aware of how shit
he looks right now, mostly because he never expected to meet really hot guys while he was in his
hospital bed . Louis will have a field day with this, Zayn thinks.

Liam plops himself down on the chair beside the bed, the one his mum and Louis had sat at during
their visits. Zayn tried it out himself, but it was lumpy and uncomfortable, so he sticks to the
slightly less lumpy and uncomfortable bed.

Im Liam, by the way, Liam says. In case, you know, this wasnt enough. He gestures to his
nametag and then gives Zayn another blindingly sweet grin. So, broken leg, then? Thats why
youre in here?
Obviously, Zayn says, eyes moving to his own cast. Theres a giant, too detailed cock drawn on
there from Louis. Louis had grinned while drawing it, and then afterwards hed said, Its an exact
replica of Harrys dick. Look, even the veins are accurate.

So howd it happen? Liam asks, leaning forward a bit, arms resting on his knees. The
movement reveals a tattoo on the back of his forearm of four dark arrows.

Um. Zayn licks his dry lips. A drunken skateboarding accident.

Liam seems to find this delightful. Really? he asks, eyes wide. What happened?

And for some reason Zayn ends up going into extreme detail with the retelling of the story,
exaggerating his own skateboarding abilities a bit, and then going a bit overboard with the
description of the wounds hed gotten. There really hadnt been that much blood, but still. Liams
eyes widen even more, and he winces in sympathy, and Zayn cant stop himself.

Ill probably have a really cool scar, at least, Zayn finishes. Not that that really makes any of
this any better.

I take it you hate it here, then, Liam guesses.

Zayn nods and shrugs. Its not exactly ideal.

He nods in agreement. I hate this place, he admits.

Zayn cocks his head to the side, frowning. Then why do you volunteer here?

Liam looks lost and panicked for a moment, and Zayn waits for him to answer. Its for school,
he says finally. I, um, got in some trouble and the only way to stop from getting severely
punished was to-- um, agree to volunteer.

Hes lying. Zayn doesnt know Liam at all, really, but he can tell. Liam is a shit liar, and he rubs
his hands on his jeans while he talks, and his eyes dart nervously between both of Zayns, like
hes aware of the fact that Zayn can see right through him.

Zayn takes pity on him. That must suck, he says, going along with it. For how long?

Liam shrugs. Who knows, he says. But whatever, its not that bad. How long are you here
for?

Two weeks, Zayn answers. Theyve got to do surgery on my leg, or something.

Thatll be another scar you can use to impress the girls, Liam points out.

Zayn bites his lip and lowers his eyelashes a bit. Or the guys, he says in a lower voice. What
about you, Liam? You got a thing for scars?

Zayn can see Liam swallowing, sees his Adams apple bob while he does it, making the birthmark
on his neck look more prominent. I have to go, he says suddenly, standing up. My breaks
over, sorry.

And then hes practically running from the room, door slamming loudly behind him. Zayn isnt
sure if he wants to laugh or if he wants to take his words back so Liam would have stayed. But a
few seconds later the door opens again and Liam asks, Can I see you tomorrow?

Zayn shrugs apathetically while his mind screams yes, God, please. Whatever; its not like I have
anything better to do.

Theres Liams sunny smile again, the one that makes Zayn feel as warm as his brown eyes do,
which is just sort of completely ridiculous, really. Brilliant. See you, Zayn.

Zayn doesnt say anything else, but Liam doesnt seem at all offended. He just waves in an
awkward sort of way and then shuts the door behind himself again, this time more carefully.

After hes gone, Zayn sits there staring at the door for a long time. There is something wrong with
him, definitely, because Liam was his type completely, looks wise; but personality wise? No way.
Zayn didnt go for people like that. Zayn preferred cynical humour and confidence and smirks.
Not too cheerful smiles and dorky laughs and boys who apparently had no idea just how attractive
they were. And yet

Zayn sighs. Hed be calling Louis right now, if he had his phone. But he doesnt, and he cant
remember Louis number by memory, so hes just going to have to wait until Louis comes to visit
him tomorrow with Harry. Until then, he picks his book up and tries to get back into reading, not
thinking about the way the dark ink on Liams forearm had looked, or about sucking a mark onto
his neck to mirror the one already naturally there.

--

Hes in a really irritated mood after lunch the next day. His cast is getting really itchy, and every
time he looks at it he thinks about Harrys dick, which is just extremely uncomfortable. The small
television in the room is out of colour a bit, so even though it was really nice of his mum to bring
him his DVD player and a few movies, hes having trouble watching them because he cant stop
focusing on the way the colour is wrong. Oh, and Liam didnt come by.

He waited in bed from ten until twelve after putting in the effort of trying to lean against the
counter and not put any weight on his injury while styling his hair, and it was all for nothing,
apparently. Whatever, Zayn really doesnt care. Liam was sort of annoying anyways.

When someone knocks on his door, he definitely does not perk up. He doesnt. Who is it? Zayn
calls.

Its, um, Liam? From yesterday? The-- the volunteer? he calls uncertainly through the door, like
hes afraid Zayn has somehow completely forgotten who he is in the last twenty-four hours.

Come in, Zayn says after rolling his eyes to himself.

Liam comes in with a smile on his face and the same volunteer outfit from yesterday, except hes
wearing a pair of khaki cut offs instead of jeans. I come bearing gifts, Liam says while kicking
closed the door. He holds up a grease stained paper bag. The food here really sucks, so I figured
you wouldnt say no to a good old, completely horrible for you McDonalds burger.

Zayns mouth is watering (and not just because of the way Liams shirt clings to his skin). I
definitely wouldnt say no, Zayn agrees. Maybe he should, though, because theres no way
spending time with Liam will be good for his health. He might end up actually smiling or
something, and hed made a pact not to do that until the day his mother revokes her grounding and
gives him his phone back.

Just like yesterday, Liam sinks into the chair next to the bed. He digs into the bag in his lap and
produces two paper wrapped burgers, one of which he hands to Zayn, the other he places on the
bedside table. Then he pulls out two containers of fries and does the same. I didnt get drinks,
Liam says apologetically. Sorry about that.

Zayn unwraps his burger and then says, You didnt have to do any of this, you know.

Yeah, but I wanted to, Liam replies easily while balling up the bag. He crosses the room to
throw it in the trash, and then pauses and widens his eyes before turning to Zayns shitty little
television. Youre watching Batman?

Zayn flushes, embarrassed. Louis teases him for it all the time, claims that Zayn is secretly a huge
dork. And its sort of true, but thats none of Liams business.

It was the only thing my mum brought that was watchable, he lies. In all honest hes watched
this movie nine times and counting, and its one of his favourites.

Its not who I am underneath, but what I do, that defines me . Liam quotes, and his Batman
voice is impressively accurate.

So youre a fan, Zayn guesses.

A bit, yeah, Liam says while moving back to his chair. Havent gotten a chance to see The
Dark Knight Rises yet, unfortunately.

Zayn takes a bite of his burger. Its a bit cold, and the cheese isnt really melted on top of the
burger at all, but its such an improvement from the hospital food that he almost moans. He eats
half of it before says, nonchalantly, I could get it for us. Liam blinks at him and he hurries to
add, A friend of mine owns it. He could bring it in for me. Its not a big deal. I was going to get
him to bring it for me anyways, so, whatever.

Liams face lights up and he swallows the bite of his burger quickly. Thatd be great! he says
enthusiastically. Brilliant. Yeah, we should yeah. Id like that.

Okay, Zayn says quietly.

They spend the rest of Liams visit in silence, mostly. They eat and watch Batman, with Liam and
Zayn both muttering the lines under their breath because theyve both obviously seen it so many
times. Every time they do, Liam gives Zayn a secret sort of smile, one that says a lot more than
either of them use their voices to.

Liam cleans up both of their garbage, and he leaves with another awkward wave like he had the
day before. Afterwards he puts on another movie and tries to get into it, but it just isnt the same
without Liam sitting there beside him, mouthing along to the dialogue.

--

Louis gets there around six, just after dinner. Harry trails in behind him, a grin on his face that sort
of reminds Zayn of Liams.

You look nice, Louis comments while falling into Liams-- the visitors chair. Why did you do
your hair? he asks, looking suspicious. Are you planning on breaking out of here?
Zayn snorts. Be sort of hard, given the circumstances, Zayn points out, gesturing to his leg.
And I had a visitor, so I thought I should make myself presentable.

Louis eyes narrow as Harry sinks onto the edge of the bed. You dont get presentable for me,
Louis points out. Last time I was in here you were wearing a wrinkled shirt and you hadnt
showered.

Zayn rolls his eyes. Let it go, Louis.

I will not let it go, Louis argues. Whats her name? Or his.

Zayn wonders if Louis would believe it if he lies, but then decides that he probably wouldnt.
Plus, Zayn sort of wants to talk about it, weirdly enough. His name is Liam, Zayn answers
finally. Hes a volunteer. An incredibly fucking hot volunteer.

Louis snorts and gives Zayn an incredulous look. Leave it to Malik to get laid while in the damn
hospital .

Is this my dick? Harry asks suddenly, trailing a finger over Zayns cast.

Told you it was incredibly accurate portrayal of his dick, Louis says happily. But dont change
the subject, Harry, I want to hear all about Zayns hospital lover.

Its not like that, Zayn says defensively. Why he thought talking about his with Louis would be
a good idea, he doesnt know.

And why not? Louis demands.

Because hes Mother fucking Teresa, thats why, Zayn snaps. And hes sort of annoying,
honestly. A bit of a do-gooder, you know? And he fucking smiles, like, all the time. In fact, Im
fairly certain hes not even human.

Harry snorts a laugh and gives Louis a knowing look. Youre right infatuated with him, arent
you? he asks.

Zayn turns to Louis. You better shut your boyfriend up before I do it for you.

Dont be dramatic, Louis scolds, which is possibly the most hypocritical thing Zayns ever
heard, because Louis once threatened to murder the girl at the ice cream shop for not putting
sprinkles on his ice cream.

Whatever. Zayn sits up a bit and runs a hand through his hair. Do you think you could bring
me your Batman movie tonight? I sort of need it for tomorrow.

Why? Louis asks, smirking. Got a movie date with Liam? Oh, God, dont tell me. Hes a
Batman fan, too, isnt he? Youre in dorky love with him, arent you?

Fuck off.

If youre rude to me I wont bring you the movie, Louis says warningly.

Fuck off, please , Zayn corrects.

Louis grins at him.

--

Hes Robin, you know, Zayn says, nodding at Joseph Gordon-Levitts character on screen.

Liams mouth gapes open and he turns to Zayn with a horrified look. He punches Zayn on the
arm, too, but not very hard, which is only possible because Liam is on the bed with him today.
Zayn didnt ask him to, but instead of going to the chair hed just walked around to the other side
of the bed and sat himself down beside Zayn, leaning against the headboard, legs stretched out in
front of him, hands folded in his lap. Hed taken his shoes off first, though, because Liam is far too
polite to sit on someones bed with his shoes on, obviously.

Dont ruin it for me, Liam says, sounding scandalized.

Zayn rolls his eyes. Not my fault that this movies been out since last year and youre only just
seeing it now. Which makes Zayn suddenly question why. Why havent you seen it before, by
the way? You seem like quite a fan.

Liam shrugs, eyes on the screen. Didnt have time. I wanted to see it in theatres, but something
came up.

Zayn grunts his reply and reaches for the can of Pepsi on his side table. He takes a sip and goes to
put it back, but Liam takes it from his hand before he can. Zayn watches as Liam takes a sip and
then licks his lips afterwards to remove a drop of the liquid. He hands it back to Zayn without a
word, and Zayn is pretty dumbfounded.

Shes evil, isnt she? Liam asks, meaning Miranda, the woman Bruce just slept with.

Didnt you just tell me not to spoil it for you? Zayn asks.

Liam groans. Come on, just tell me if shes evil. She looks evil. And shes got an accent. When
movies have a mostly American cast, the person with an accent is always the evil one.

Im not telling you.

Just tell me.

Itll ruin the whole movie, Liam.

Zayn, come on, Liam whines.

Okay, fine, shes evil. Are you happy?

Zayn . Liam gapes at him again. Why would you tell me that?!

Zayn gives him a disbelieving look, hands raised defensively. How is Liam even a real person?
Hes going to check for batteries or something, because theres no possible way that he is. He is
definitely a robot from planet Sunshine or something.

You told me to, remember? Zayn points out.

Youre horrible to watch movies with, Liam informs him. Dont you know that, when
someone asks you for a spoiler, youre not supposed to give it to them?

Zayn covers his face with his hand, lest Liam notice the fondly amused look on his face, which
Zayn is struggling to control. Youre unbelievable, you know that?
Zayn is struggling to control. Youre unbelievable, you know that?

Shut up and watch the movie, Liam tells him.

Did you just tell me to shut up? Zayn asks, honestly surprised. Liam doesnt look like the type
of person who tells someone else to shut up.

Sorry, Liam says quickly, giving Zayn a deeply apologetic look. Theres the Liam Zayns come
to know in the last three days. Could we please watch the movie, though?

Yeah, okay, Zayn agrees.

They dont end up getting through the whole movie. About three quarters of the way in, someone
knocks on his door. Zayn, confused, tells them to come in.

Liam, dear, the nurse says, giving them both a gentle smile, you know you have--,

Ill be right there, Liam says quickly, jumping off the bed.

The nurse frowns at him and then shakes her head, grin returning. Okay, well be waiting for
you.

Zayn uses the remote to pause the movie as Liam slips on his shoes. Sorry, Liam says again.
Ive sort of got-- you know, volunteer work. I cant exactly just slack off the whole time. A
nervous laugh. Well finish this tomorrow?

Zayn pushes away the annoyed, disappointed feeling inside of him. Yeah, whatever.

Bye, Zayn, Liam says on his way out.

Zayn frowns at the screen, trying to figure out what Liams deal is. Theres something off there,
but he cant quite figure out what it is. He will, though. Its not like hes got anything better to do.

Zayn struggles to pull the wheelchair towards him, and then he struggles even more to get himself
into it without falling to the ground. He grabs his pack of cigarettes from the bedside drawer and
then rolls out of the room after managing (again, he struggles) to get the door open.

The hallway is always weirdly empty. Most of the people on this floor are bedridden, which
means that its nearly always like this. It makes him uncomfortable, makes him wonder how many
of the doors he passes hide someone close to death. He doesnt like to think about that all that
much, though, so he just rolls a little faster down the hall until he gets to the elevators.

Hes got to sign out, even if hes just going for a smoke and then coming back in. Its the rules, or
something. He thinks its stupid, but theres no way around it. If he tries to roll out the doors
without stopping at the reception desk, someone will come running after him to stop him from
getting far. He feels like a prisoner.

Its a bit cold outside, and he makes a mental note to wear a sweater next time he goes out. He
lights up his cigarette and takes a deep drag.

He smokes a lot less at the hospital, for several reasons. One, its too much effort to get out of bed
and then all the way downstairs and outside just to have one. Hes lazy, he can admit that. Second,
he feels weirdly guilty about it, because he knows that there are people inside the building that are
dying from the very smoke that fills his lungs. And, for some weird reason, he doesnt want Liam
to somehow find out about it, because he has a feeling Liam wont like it.

Not that he should really give a shit what Liam thinks. Or about Liam in general. Except he sort of
does, which irritates him to know end, but also makes him feel warm.

Liam is annoying, he reminds himself. Hes too cheerful. He smiles too much. When he laughs his
eyes get all crinkly at the side and his cheeks turn red. He likes Batman. He likes Zayn, even
though Zayn is sort of a dick. Hes gorgeous. Fuck, Zayn really is infatuated with him, isnt he?

When Zayn gets back to his floor, he heads for the receptionists desk. The desk is, thankfully,
short enough that the woman behind it doesnt have to stand up to converse with him, which
would have done painful things to his pride.

Can I help you? she asks, smiling pleasantly.

Im, um, looking for someone, Zayn tells her. Hes a volunteer. Liam? I just wanted to ask
him--,

Im sorry, the receptionist says, looking genuine. Im not allowed to give out information on
the volunteers.

Zayn sighs. Right, sorry. Thanks anyways.

He rolls back to his room and gets into bed, but hes restless. He ends up calling home and asking
his mum to bring him his sketchbook and pencil case, and he decides that, if he cant work Liam
out in his head, he will do it on paper.

--

Zayn has no idea how one person can be so fucking attractive, yet so completely awkward. Liam
is in the chair again today, and theyre still watching Batman. Or, Liam is watching Batman, Zayn
is sketching him. Hes sitting on the bed, legs crossed (which was sort of hard, given the stupid
fucking cast, but he is nothing if not determined), sketchbook in front of him, facing Liam. Liam,
who wont stop fidgeting and casting Zayn darting looks.

Will you stop moving? Zayn demands, pencil held still above the paper. Hes trying to get
Liams stupidly hot jaw right, but Liams making it really difficult.

Sorry, Liam says quickly. I just-- do you have to look at me so intently?

Yes, Zayn says, dropping his eyes to the paper. He brushes his thumb over the line hed just
drawn, smudging it a bit.

I just--, Liam cuts himself off and runs a hand over his hair. Zayn pauses the movie for him. I
just dont see why youd want to.

Several reasons, Zayn tells him without looking out. Mostly just cause youre hot as fuck,
though.

Zayn smirks when he looks up to see a blush in Liams cheeks, one that is becoming far too
familiar for his liking. Again he fidgets, this time tugging at his volunteer shirt. His nametag is
kind of crooked, and Zayn wants to reach out to straighten it, but he doesnt.

Can you stop saying things like that, too? Liam asks.
Zayn swallows, embarrassed, but he asks, sounding cocky and far more confident than he feels,
Why, does it bother you?

Yes, Liam says flatly. Its not true, so could you just, like, not?

Youre an idiot, Zayn mutters, exasperated. Or maybe hes blind, thats possible. Because
theres no way Liam is not aware of the way he looks. Unless he really is, which just makes Zayn
want to hold him down and point out everything he likes about Liam, from the vein in his neck to
the way his collarbones curve and the perfectly pink colour of his lips.

When Zayn looks up he sees a wounded look on Liams face, and he realizes that hes made a
mistake.

No, not -- youre not an idiot, Liam, Zayn retracts. Just-- just let me finish and Ill show you,
yeah?

Liam gives him a look that Zayn doesnt want to understand. Okay, he agrees after a moment.

Okay. Zayn repeats Liam and then tries to get back to sketching. Lift your chin just a bit.

Liam does as he says, and Zayn finally manages to do his best to capture the line of his jaw,
smooth and free of stubble today. Hes not sure if he likes Liam better clean shaven or stubbly. He
looks younger like his, and theres an innocence to his face that is less defined when hes got the
stubble. He decides he likes both equally, and then continues drawing before he can dwell on that.

The movie ends and Liam lets out a happy sound before getting up and falling onto the bed next
to Zayn. Can I see before I go? he asks, reaching for the notebook.

No, Zayn says sharply, pulling the sketchbook away from him. Liam looks taken aback so he
adds, Not until its done. Theres no point. Its just lines and smudges right now.

Liam sighs but then he grabs Zayns hand, flipping it over. His thumb is dark, coated with the
remnants of the pencil from all the smudging hed done. Liam bends Zayns fingers and then
presses his thumb to the inside of Liams wrists. Zayn can feel his pulse beating once, twice, three
times, four , and then Liam pulls his hand away and grins at the gray thumbprint left there.

See you tomorrow, he says while climbing off the bed.

Yeah, see you, Zayn says softly.

The door clicks shut behind him and Zayn collapses back onto the bed, staring up at the ceiling.
For the first time since hes been here, Zayn is not looking forward to leaving.

--

Liam is not there the next day, and Zayn spends most of it brooding, even through his mums visit.
And hes sort of pissed off, though he knows that, rationally, he shouldnt be. Yes, Liam said hed
be there, but its not like Liam really owes him anything.

He spends the rest of the night attempting to finish his sketch, but his memory just isnt working.
When he tries to remember the exact shape of Liams nose, or the way his eyelashes framed his
eyes, all he can think about is the way Liam laughs and how he smells kind of like the hospital,
but mostly like cinnamon and sugar, and the fact that he probably tastes like that, too.

The next day he has his surgery, and he is hoping to see Liam beforehand. Liam is not there,
though, and even though Zayn rolls through the halls on his floor, and the two below, he doesnt
see him at all. When he gets back to his room he almost balls up the stupid fucking sketch, but
instead he turns to a fresh page and ends up scratching in four dark arrows until he nearly rips
through the paper.

--

He is high. He is floating, drifting, ethereal. He is not Zayn. He is everything. He is the air and the
bed and the pain and the dust that wafts through the room, only visible when the light shines on it
just right. He is warm and he is cold; he is comfortable, but he is uncomfortable.

He is really, really fucking high. And its sort of really fucking awesome. Whatever pain meds
they have him on are incredibly potent. He can hear his own laughter, and he looks around the
room, almost expecting to see it materialize in the air, there for him to grab and touch because its
everywhere around him.

Theyve got you on some good stuff, then?

Zayn tilts his head, realizing that hes in his room. He can make out a fuzzy shape in the chair next
to him, but if he tries to focus on it his eyes dont seem to work right. Which is just hilarious,
really, so he laughs. Liam, he says, because he doesnt need to see him to know its him.
Smells like cinnamon.

You didnt tell me you had your surgery today, Liam says, and Zayn thinks hes being scolded.
Again he laughs. Youre very pleasant on drugs, did you know that? I dont think Ive ever heard
you laugh before.

Zayn grins at him because he has to. It literally hurts his face not to. You like Batman, Zayn
says for reasons completely unknown to him. I like that. I like you.

Im going to come back tomorrow, Liam tells him. Your mums here.

Zayn tries to sit up, but nope. Thats happening. Bye, Liam!

A moment later someone pushes him back down onto the bed. So whos Liam? his mum asks.

Liam likes Batman, Zayn says, voice thick and slurred. He is so tired all of a sudden. I like
Liam.

He closes his eyes, and then he is no longer floating. He is falling, sinking, descending into
darkness.

--

Zayn is in so much pain the next day, and it puts him in a worse mood than usual. Louis already
stopped by and left after Zayn snapped at him repeatedly for talking too loud and for smelling too
strongly of cologne. His head hurts, his leg kills , and his ass is cramping from sitting in a weird
position, because its the only way he can sit unless he wants his leg to feel like its being chopped
in half by a dull axe. And they wont give him more pain meds than what hes already got in his
system, but what hes already got in his system obviously isnt fucking working.

Should I come back? Liam asks, startling him.

Do you ever fucking knock? Zayn demands of him, raising his eyebrows expectantly when
Liam doesnt answer quick enough.

Yeah, Ill definitely come back, Liam says, pulling the door closed already.

No-- just-- no, its fine, Zayn sighs. Im just cranky. Sorry.

Liam hesitantly comes into the room, and he, at least, is careful to shut the door softly, unlike
Louis who had slammed it behind himself. He sits down in the chair again, and Zayn literally has
to bite his tongue to keep from demanding to know why he doesnt sit on the bed, the way that
Zayn wants him to.

Howre you feeling? Liam has a sympathetic look on his face, thick eyebrows drawn together in
concern.

Like shit, Zayn says. Obviously.

Right, sorry. Liam rubs a hand over his hair, and Zayn wonders how it would feel under his
own fingers; would it be bristly and rough, or soft and fuzzy? Do you want me to put on a
movie?

No.

Okay. Liam leans forward and licks his lips in a way that is really distracting. Should I--,

Just come lay with me, Zayn snaps. He winces when he realizes what hes just said, and quickly
adds, I just want to lie down.

Um. Liam stands up and then does a weird, jerky move towards the bed before stepping back.
You just want me to-- to--,

Lie down, Zayn clarifies. On the bed.

Right. Liam nods and then kicks off his shoes and walks around to the other side of the bed. He
climbs on top and sits rigidly beside Zayn, who scoots down farther so his head is on the pillows.
He gestures for Liam to do the same, and after a moment he does.

Youre not wearing your volunteer shirt today, Zayn notes. He resists the urge to tug at the
offending white material of Liams shirt. He liked the blue volunteer shirt. It had become a familiar
thing, as much as the smell of cinnamon thats invading his senses, and the warmth in Liams
eyes.

Liams cheeks turn that pink colour that Zayn likes, and he says, Im not volunteering today.

So then why are you here? Zayn wonders. Theyre laying facing each other now, not much
room between their bodies. Zayns leg hurts a bit like this, but theres no way in hell hes moving
when he can feel the heat radiating from Liams body.
I just wanted to see you, Liam admits, looking embarrassed. I came to see you yesterday, after
your surgery. You were pretty out of it.

Zayns lips part in surprise because he doesnt remember that at all. He remembers his mum being
there when he woke up, but he has no memory of Liams visit at all . And he cant help but
wonder if he said anything, if hed blurted out all of his thoughts when he wasnt in the right mind
to carefully think through each word that comes out of his mouth.

Did I say anything? Zayn asks quietly.

Liam shakes his head (which is a bit awkward, given the way his head is laying on Zayns
pillow). Not really. Everything you did say wasnt really understandable, dont worry.

Thank God . I wasnt worrying.

Liam moves so hes on his back, hands folded over his stomach. Can I ask you something?

Zayn tries to shrug but he cant. No ones stopping you.

Liam gives him a look that says he doesnt appreciate Zayns attitude. Well too bad for him.

Are we going to still-- I mean, after you leave, is that the end of this? He asks the question
without looking at Zayn. He is resolutely staring up at the ceiling like its the most interesting thing
hes ever witnessed.

Zayn hadnt really thought about it all, if hes being honest. Its only been a week, and yet he cant
see a world outside of this room, with Liam to accompany him. And thats just weird and a bit
creepy and more than a little frightening to him, because he should not be feeling something like
that for a boy he barely knows.

Zayn turns so hes on his back, too, and then says to the ceiling, I dont want to not see you
again.

Liam chuckles. If I gave you my number, would you actually call?

Zayn doesnt even hesitate. Yes. He hates himself for it, because he doesnt do this, especially
not with boys like Liam. Or maybe Ill just start volunteering. Then wed see each other all the
time.

Its a joke, obviously. As soon as hes out of here, Zayn has no plans to ever return to the hospital
unless someone he loves is, like, dying. That is the only way. Theyd have to drag him kicking
and screaming through the doors under any other circumstances.

And yet Liam yelps out a, No! Zayn turns to frown at him, and Liams cheeks arent pink;
theyre red, and his eyes are impossibly wide. I mean, thatd be silly. We can hang out like
normal people, you know.

I know, Zayn says frowning.

Liam turns to him so theyre facing each other again. He boldly reaches out a hand and traces
Liams tattoo because he likes it, okay? He knows that the skin underneath it will feel the same
way as the rest, he has enough tattoos of his own to know this, and yet its still weird when its not
rough under his fingertips. Its smooth and soft.

Do you want to, though? Liam asks, and theres something vulnerable in his eyes. See me, that
is. You can say no, Zayn. I know that sometimes you barely tolerate me.
Zayn laughs because, really, Liam? He just doesnt get it. So he leans forward and brushes his lips
against Liams full, slightly slick form licking them, ones. Liam makes a surprised sound, and
Zayn realizes suddenly that he has no idea if Liam wanted to be kissed. In fact, Liam is completely
straight for all Zayn knows. Hes never once said differently.

Zayn is pulling back, an apology on the tip of his tongue, but Liam fists a hand in his hair and
pulls him back in, a bit too roughly. Zayn doesnt complain, though. Why the fuck would he?
Hes kissing Liam, and Liams kissing him back, and he does taste like cinnamon and sugar, or so
Zayn learns when he pushes his tongue against the seam of Liams mouth.

It doesnt take Zayn long to figure out that Liam has never properly been kissed, and that more
than surprises him because, really, look at him. But hes completely hesitant when Zayn tries to
deepen the kiss, lip parting slowly, like hes not sure what to do, and his tongue doesnt really
move when Zayn brushes his against it, searching for more of that cinnamon taste because Zayn
suddenly loves cinnamon. Who knew?

He pulls back, a hand on Liams cheek, and searches his eyes. Just let go, Liam, he says softly.
Trust me, yeah?

Liam blinks and then nods, just once. Zayn kisses him again, and this time Liam kisses him back.
Its still obvious that hes over thinking it, and that hes worried hes going to screw up, so Zayn
moans into his mouth to let him know that, yeah, hes definitely enjoying this, Liam, so relax.

Liam returns the moan with a needy sound of his own, one that goes straight to Zayns dick. Zayn
tells himself to calm the fuck down, because if Liams never made out with someone before, he
most likely does not want to have sex the first time that he does. Not that Zayn hasnt thought
about it all week. Thought about Liam on top of him, forehead slicked with sweat, holding himself
up on those fucking arms of his as he fucks into Zayn, sometimes hard and relentless, sometimes
slower and more gently. And hes thought about fucking Liam, too, watching those eyes widen
when he hits that spot inside of him, biting Liams shoulder when he comes.

And now he cant stop thinking about it, so he breaks the kiss before he comes in his pants or
attempts to move things along, because he knows that Liam is not ready for that, and he doesnt
want to push him into anything.

Sorry, Zayn says softly. Theres a dazed, satisfied look on Liams face. Ive sort of been
wanting to do that since the first day when you walked in.

Im glad you did, Liam tells him, lips spreading into his smile, warming Zayn to the core.

Zayn cant help but grin back at him before he groans. Look what youve done to me; Im
smiling.

You should do that more often, Liam tells him. I like it.

I like you, Zayn admits.

Liam snorts a laugh and says, I may have lied about you not saying anything yesterday. Zayns
eyes widen because no. No. The list of things he could have said is endless and embarrassing at
best, horrifying at worst. Liam likes Batman. I like Liam.

I didnt, Zayn says flatly.

But you did, Liam says, a lot more smug than Zayn ever thought possible of him. It was fairly
adorable, in case you were wondering.
Zayn rolls onto his back. Im not adorable. Im a ball of teenage angst and moodiness.

Liam shakes his head fondly and sits up. He fixes his shirt and then crosses his legs. Are you
going to finish that sketch? he questions.

Zayn sits up, too, and reaches for his sketchbook. Im going to try, he answers while flipping it
open. As long as you dont fidget the entire time like you did before.

Im not making any promises.

Zayn looks into Liams eyes and figures that hed make a million if Liam asked him to, and thats
terrifying.

--

The last few days of his time in the hospital are spent with Liam. Some days he wears the
volunteer uniform, but more often than not he wears just normal, casual clothes, letting Zayn
know without words that hes only there to visit with him.

They kiss quite a lot, and they watch every Batman movie that Zayn and Louis own, and Zayn
ends up having to get his mum to bring him the Avengers because Liam hasnt seen it, either, and
how hasnt he seen it? They barely kiss at all through that one, though, so Zayn sort of regrets
grabbing it. At the same time, Liam is so into the movie that Zayn can work on his sketch more
(which isnt really a sketch, but is instead an extremely detailed drawing of Liam that is taking
much longer than it should because Liam is so uncooperative for someone that is extremely
impatient for it to be finished).

Liam doesnt come say goodbye to him, which makes Zayns stomach twist, but he has Liams
cellphone number written in large writing in his sketchbook, so he tries not to care too much. Plus,
its probably a good thing. Hes become far too attached to Liam for his own good, and he figures
thats because he had nothing better to do at the hospital than think about Liam or spend time with
Liam, there was only LiamLiamLiam. Out in the real world things will be different. They will be
more normal. He hopes thats the case, because hes not sure he can handle the way Liams
tugged at his heart so quickly.

He has never been more happy to walk out the doors of the hospital, even if his mum is still pissed
at him.

Ive taken your xbox out of your room, she tells him as they walk to the car. And your
television has all of the channels blocked. Ill unlock one every couple of days that you go without
breaking any of the new rules.

Zayn stares at her, mouth open. He closes it with a snap and says, I broke my leg, I didnt
commit a fucking felony.

Language! his mother snaps. And maybe next time youll think before doing something so
completely stupid and reckless, now wont you?

Zayn wants to say no just to be difficult, but he resigns himself to just getting in the car. He
doesnt want to get in even more trouble.

The drive home is mostly quiet. Zayn is refusing to accept his mothers attempts at conversation.
Hes happy to just stare out the window and brood, knowing that shes got a soft spot for him and
always has, and hopefully his dejected look will make her reconsider, if he keeps it up long
enough.

His younger sisters hug him as soon as he gets to the door, and one of them points to the dick on
his cast. His mother gapes at him and then sends him straight to his room with a loud, You better
find a way to cover that up, Zayn, or so help me, you will not see daylight until youre old enough
to move out! Fucking Louis.

He never full appreciated his bed until hed went so long without it. Now he falls onto it, tugging
the blankets up to his face to breathe in the familiar scent and to curl against the softness of his old,
worn blanket. He loves his bed so much.

It doesnt take long for the joyful homecoming to wear off, and as soon as he realizes that shes
taken his laptop, too, Zayn wants to scream. He settles for getting his iPod out of the drawer of his
desk, turning up the music loud enough to blare out everything else. Sadly it doesnt drown out his
anger and annoyance, but nothing ever does, really. Except maybe Liam, but thats pathetic so
hes not going to go there.

--

He goes there exactly eighteen hours later. Its only nine in the morning, and he has no idea why
hes even awake right now, but his internal clock is now set to get up at early hours, even on days
when he doesnt have to. And Liams a morning person anyways, so he prays that Liam wont
mind. Or find him creepy.

Zayn, Liam says when he answers.

Hi, Zayn says awkwardly. In his own room, surrounded by the walls that have been navy blue
since he was twelve, with the posters hanging up, with the bookshelf on the left and the desk on
the right, and the window by his bed, its hard to picture Liam. He just doesnt fit into Zayns
world outside of the hospital, and he doesnt know what to do with that.

I didnt expect you to call, Liam admits quietly. Zayn wonders if hes lying in bed, phone
pressed to his ear. He think so. I thought maybe you were lying. Maybe not consciously, but, you
know.

I told you I would, Zayn reminds him.

Yeah. Liam is quiet for a moment before he perks up. What are you doing on Thursday?

Zayn grins to himself. Spending the day with you, obviously. After school, though. Ive got to go
back. Im not looking forward to going through the halls in these stupid crutches that Ive got. It
took me about ten minutes just to get up my stairs.

Crutches are the worst, Liam sympathises. Is there any way you could pick me up?

Zayn wonders if his mum will let him use the car. If it were to go out with his friends, he thinks
not. But his mum had actually met Liam (while he was doped up, which he still tries not to think
about because that is so embarrassing) and shes rather fond of him. Thinks hes a good influence.
Maybe shell say yes.
Give me a minute, Zayn says.

Mhm.

Zayn puts the phone down and uses the crutches to get to the door. They hurt his arms, but hed
attempted to walk without them and the tears had welled in his eyes instantly.

Mum, he calls from the top of the stairs. Hes not going down them unless he has to, because he
has a feeling hell be going down them on his ass and not his feet.

His mum appears a moment later, eyebrows raised. Im not giving you back your--,

I know, he says dismissively. I was wondering if I could have the car on Thursday.

What part of grounded do you not understand? she asks.

Zayn rolls his eyes because parents are always so difficult. I want to take Liam out.

Liam, his mum repeats. The nice boy from the hospital? The volunteer?

Thats the one.

His mother chews this over for a moment before she says, Fine, but if youre lying just to get the
car and I find out, youll regret it.

Whatever, Zayn says. But thanks.

His mother grins at him. Ill have lunch ready if you want to come down in about two hours.
Were having soup.

He nods and returns to his room. When he picks up the phone he hears Liam singing softly to
himself, and he covers the receiver for a moment, not wanting Liam to know that hes back. He
recognizes the song as Matchbox 20s If Youre Gone, and Liam has a smooth, pleasant voice.

Eventually he realizes how creepy hes being so he uncovers the receiver and says, Hey, Im
back.

Liam cuts off and coughs. Sorry, did you hear that?

Hear what? Zayn asks, faking innocence.

Nothing.

My mum said I could get the car, Zayn tells him. Whats your address?

Just pick me up at the hospital, Liam says. Ive got volunteering until seven, so

Zayns brow furrows at this. Thats a little late for volunteer work, isnt it? Okay, he says
anyways. Ill see you then.

See you, Zayn, Liam says.

Zayn hangs up and then lays on his back, grinning at the ceiling, thinking that Liam has already
done a number on him, knowing that its only going to get worse if he doesnt distance himself
from the situation. But he doesnt really want to do that, so hes just going to have to live with it.
--

This is adorable, Louis says from his bed.

Zayn flips him off and adjusts his shirt in the mirror. Fuck off, he adds for good measure. Hes
really fit, okay?

Youve fallen hard and fast, Louis informs him. Its pathetic.

Do I need to bring up that time you sang under Harrys window because he wouldnt talk to you
for four days after you insulted his favourite band? Zayn asks.

Louis flips him off this time. So when do I get to meet him? he asks a moment later.

Never, Zayn says seriously. Youre going to stay as far away from him as humanly fucking
possible.

Rude, Louis quips. Youre embarrassed of me.

I am, Zayn agrees.

Louis rolls his eyes. Whatever. Dont wear that shirt, though. Go with the navy one from earlier.
That one makes you look like youre trying too hard.

Zayn glares at him but changes the button up hes wearing for the navy one because hes right.
When hes ready he drives Louis home before heading for the hospital. He cant deny to himself
how nervous he is, which he sort of hates. Zayn is not nervous. He is confident and collected. But
hes never really dated before. Hes had girlfriends and boyfriends, but none of them were really
serious, and all they did was hang out with mutual friends and then fuck in each others rooms
when their parents were out. This is different from that.

Liam is waiting out front, hands buried in the pockets of his jeans. He looks good, Zayn thinks,
until Liam gets in the car. Up close he looks exhausted and worn out.

You okay? Zayn asks, frowning at him.

Liam grins but its not as sunny as usual. Yeah, Im just a little tired, he admits. Hard day at
work. I wasnt supposed to be doing much, today was supposed to be a lazy day, but some things
got pushed around, and I ended up-- it doesnt matter. Im fine.

Zayn resists the urge to brush his fingers over the lines of Liams face to smooth them out. So I
was thinking wed do dinner, and then--,

Can we--, Liam cuts him off, looking guilty and apologetic. I sort of already ate, he explains.
Could we do something else? Im really not hungry.

Okay, Zayn agrees, trying not to panic because thats all he had planned, really. Well go to a
movie, he decides. Sound good?

Sounds great, Liam says brightly.

And then afterwards you can come over to mine for a bit, Zayn offers. I sort of have to prove
to my mum that Im actually going out with you, and not just making an excuse to get the car and
stay out past curfew.
Sure.

And I can finally finish that sketch, Zayn adds. If youll actually let me this time.

You just like an excuse to stare at me, Liam says flippantly.

Zayn pulls away from the hospital and says, I do.

Liams cheeks flush and he looks out the window to hide it.

--

So hes not really sketching. Instead hes on top of Liam, kissing his lips raw. Its really not his
fault. He was working on Liams lips for the sketch, and theyre sort of distracting, and when he
licked them Zayn couldnt help himself. He has no self control where Liam is concerned,
apparently.

Liams hands are spread wide over his back, barely moving, like hes not quite sure whats
allowed here and whats not. Zayn would find that adorable (okay, he still does a bit) if he didnt
desperately want Liam to touch him more.

Liam, Zayn says, sitting up a bit. His arm is still sort of damaged, and it hurts a little to put all his
weight on it. Theres the added awkwardness of his stupidly cast covered leg, too, but Zayn had
worked through that one earlier when hed first climbed on top of Liam. You think way too
much, mate.

Liam blinks up at him. His lips are no longer pink, but are instead red and almost puffy, and spit
slick in a way that makes Zayn sort of want to lick and bite at them. Theres a flush in his cheeks,
too, and a look in his eyes that is far too awed and fond for Zayn to handle.

Okay, Liam says quietly. Sorry.

Dont be sorry, Zayn says quickly. Just kiss me the way you want to. Im not stopping you.

Okay. Liam nods and then Zayn leans down to kiss him again.

One of Liams hands curl into his hair, tugging just hard enough that Zayn likes it, which his other
hand pushes up under Zayns shirt, nails scratching against his back. And fuck, maybe he
shouldnt have told Liam to do that, because its making it really hard to think past the way Liams
lips feel and the way his dick is painfully hard.

Zayn lets one of his hands slide down Liams ribs over his shirt, and then he finds the hem of the
material and pushes it up a bit, groaning at the feeling of warm, smooth skin under his fingertips,
spread taught over what Zayn guesses is an impressive amount of muscles.

Can this come off? Liam asks a moment later, hand bunching up Zayns shirt.

Zayn pulls back so hes sitting on top of Liam, and then he tugs off his shirt and tosses it to the
floor without care. Liams eyes widen and Zayn gives him a moment, letting him take in the
tattoos that cover his skin. He traces the one on his collarbone, and he asks, What does it say?

Ill tell you another time, Zayn promises. He doesnt really want to think about that one right
now.

Without warning, Liam grabs his hips and rolls them over. Zayn winces in pain and tries to hide it
because he knows Liam will feel guilty. Hes apparently successful, too, because then hes got a
lapful of Liam, and damn if it isnt worth it.

Youve got so many, Liam says, eyes moving down Zayns skin. He takes time to trace each
tattoo, like he wants to memorize them, and Zayn shivers when Liams fingers scratch against the
heart tattoo on his hip.

Do you like them? Zayn finds himself asking. Hes never been all that self conscious. He knows
what he looks like, and hes fine with that. But he knows that some people really dont like
tattoos, and for some reason hed be really upset if Liam were one of them.

I love them, Liam says honestly. He bites his lip and grins around his teeth. They suit you.

I like yours, too, Zayn admits. Its really hot. Ive got an ink kink, maybe.

Liam flushes and leans down to kiss him to hide it. Zayn isnt complaining. He runs his hand over
Liams hair, fascinated by the way it feels; its both bristly and soft, somehow.

Eventually Liam rolls off him so theyre laying beside each other, still kissing, and Zayn is
pushing insistently at Liams shirt because he wants to feel more of Liams skin against his. After
a moment Liam sits up and then turns his back on Zayn and tugs it off. Zayn stares at his back for
a long moment. Liam is so much bigger than he is. Hes got thick shoulders and a wide waist, and
theres so much muscle everywhere that Zayn is almost feeling inferior, but mostly hes just really
fucking turned on by it.

Liam turns back around, a faint grin on his face. Zayn cant help it; he pushes Liam down against
the bed and then takes him all in. Just as suspected, his stomach is all muscle. His chest is so wide,
too, and theres a smattering of hair there, and then below his bellybutton, leading downwards.
Zayn is fairly certain hes never met anyone more beautiful in his whole life, and that is a very
overwhelming thought.

Zayn wants to memorize him, he really does. And one day, after hes thoroughly shown Liam just
how gorgeous he is, he will replicate this on paper so he can have it forever. Until then, he resigns
himself to traces every inch of skin with his fingertips, starting with his collarbone, moving down
his chest. Liam sucks in a breath when he gets to his stomach, but Zayn keeps going, placing his
fingers flat over Liams ribs, trying to line them up with the indentations there. He pushes at
Liams arms, gesturing for him to lift them up so he can keep tracing Liams sides, but then Liam
is sitting up and tugging his shirt back on.

Zayn doesnt know what he did wrong, but Liam is just sitting there, back facing him, breathing
heavily. His head is ducked down, too, and when Zayn moves to sit beside him he realizes that
Liams eyes are closed.

Sorry, Liam says dejectedly. Im so sorry.

Hey, no, dont be, Zayn says quickly. He wants to rub Liams back but hes not sure if hes
allowed, so he folds his hands in his lap to stop from touching him. Whatever youre comfortable
with, Liam, honestly.

Not for that, Liam says quietly. He turns to Zayn and gives him a wobbly smile.

For what, then? Zayn asks, frowning.

Liam shakes his head and kisses him, long and slow, hands staying far above the waist this time.
Zayns is on Liams shoulder, Liams is in his hair. Eventually they break apart and Liam puts his
forehead against Zayns. I think its getting late, he says softly.

Zayn nods. Ill drive you home.

Liam lives in a nice neighbourhood in a house thats smaller than Zayns, but looks incredibly
homey and comforting anyways. Theres an honest to God white picket fence and flowerbed
outside, and Zayns not even all that surprised, actually.

He has his fingers gripping the back of Liams seat, and Liams undoing his seatbelt. He turns to
Zayn, hand on the door handle, and he says, Can we do this again? Or do you want me to just
leave you alone?

Zayn gapes at him. Why would I want that?

Liam shrugs. Because Im sort of weird.

So am I, Zayn points out. I like weird.

Liam rolls his eyes and kisses him chastely. Call me, then. Whenever you want.

Okay, Zayn says, though he knows he wont call Liam whenever he wants, because if he does
hell be on the phone with Liam so often that Liams cellphone bill will be incredibly high.

Later, Zayn, Liam says when he gets out.

Zayn waits for him to get inside -- he does that awkward wave thing before he closes the door,
too, because hes Liam-- and then drives home. His mum is in the kitchen waiting for him when
he gets back, but shes not giving him trouble. Shes just smiling brightly at him because,
apparently, Zayn is not the only Malik that thinks the sun shines out of Liams ass. Its nice to
know hes not alone in this.

--

Hes not sure which of them is more nervous right now. Liam looks ready to run, but Zayn is
contemplating taking the car and driving to the other side of the country just to avoid this. At the
same time hes really looking forward to it, mostly because its been exactly two months, and
Zayn is helplessly, completely in love with Liam already, and he figures its about time that they
hang out with more than just each other.

Itll be fine, Zayn assures him. Just ignore Louis and talk to Harry. Hes a dick but hes a sane
dick, so hell be easier to talk to. Louis, on the other hand just tune out everything he says.
Thats what I do.

Liam nods while wiping his hands on his jeans. Hes wearing a red jumper with them, and Zayn
loves the way the colour looks against his skin. But, then again, there hasnt been anything about
Liam so far that he hasnt liked (hes aware of how ridiculous this is, really, he is, but he cant stop
it apparently).

Nialls meeting us there, Liam adds. So thatll help.

Right, theres the other part Zayns nervous about ( though mostly its just Liam meeting Louis,
because Louis is a complete fucknugget). He prays that Niall isnt like Liam, because its a miracle
that Liam even associates with Zayn, really. Boys like Liam dont have time for boys like Zayn.
Theyre too sunny and happy and Zayn is the exact opposite. Liam is all smiles and soft laughter
and corny jokes, and Zayn is all sharp edges and narrowed eyes and snapped words.

He cant park too close to the bar because theres cars lined all along the street. The bar is doing
an all ages night while some band that Harrys a fan of plays. Zayns never heard of them but --
not that hed tell Harry this-- Harry usually has a good taste in music, in Zayns opinion. Plus,
Liams never seen live music before, and Zayn doesnt get how thats even possible. As soon as
hed mentioned it, Zayn had promised hed take him some time.

There are quite a few people out front, most of them smoking or waiting for someone. He spots
Louis and Harry, Louis pressed against he wall, hands fisted in Harrys hair, making quite a scene
although neither of them even seem to notice. They are that couple. The one that is annoyingly in
your face. If they can be touching, they will. But its more than that. If they could be kissing, or
rubbing against each other, or pulling off each others clothes, theyll do it.

Zayn releases Liams hand as Liam starts waving to someone, and he goes up to Harry and Louis
and kicks Louis in the shins. Louis yelps and pushes Harry away, a fire blazing in his eyes when
he moves his gaze to Zayn.

Oh, he says. Its just you.

Can you two stop sucking face for, like, five seconds and come meet Liam? Zayn asks.

Ooh, Louis, come meet Liam, Louis mocks. Oooh, Louis, you should have heard what Liam
said the other day. Ooh, Louis, Liam likes Batman and hes got a really nice smile. Ooh, Louis,
Im getting his face tattooed on my ass, want to see?

Fuck off, Zayn mutters, looking around for Liam, who is a little closer to the doors, chatting
with a guy whos wearing a red snapback and a wide grin.

So which one is he? Louis asks, looking around. Let me guess, dont tell me. He points to a
guy with several face piercing and a Mohawk. That one? Zayn glares at him. Okay, okay.
What about that one? This guy has jet black hair and is wearing a Nirvana shirt that Zayn has at
home in his drawer. When Zayn shakes his head he points to another guy, this one in a leather
jacket with the kind of grin that promises things. Or that one.

Zayn punches him on the shoulder and says, Hey, Li, over here.

Liam comes with Niall in tow, Nialls hand deep in his pockets. Wait, this is Liam? Louis
demands, eying him in a way that makes Liam flush. Zayn is going to punch Louis in the fucking
face in about three seconds, he swears to--, But hes gorgeous.

Oh. Yeah, he is, Zayn agrees.

And normal looking, Louis adds, eying Liam sceptically. Fuck, Id do him, actually.

Harry coughs and narrows his eyes a bit. Nice to meet you, Liam, he says, mostly because his
boyfriend didnt have the manners to.

Liam, this is Harry, Zayn says, gesturing to his friend. And the asshole is obviously Louis.

Hi. Liam rocks back on his heels and Zayn puts a hand on his back.
Im Niall, the guy in question says, holding out his hand. Harry takes it and then Louis eyes
them both with an annoyed look before he offers his hand to Louis, too.

Should we go in? Harry asks abruptly.

Zayn nods and they all shuffle into the building. Smoke hangs in the air, as does the smell of
alcohol and too much perfume. The lights are soft and dim, giving the whole place an almost
serene look, despite the fact that there are people shouting and glasses clinking and music playing
in the background.

Harry and Niall have hit it off, apparently, because theyre heading to a booth, an annoyed
looking Louis trailing behind them. Zayn still has his hand on Liam, and Liams is on his back
now, too.

They seem nice, Liam offers, and Zayn knows hes not lying because everyone seems nice to
Liam.

Theyre insane, Zayn tells him. Im sort of attached to them, though.

Liam grins at him for that. Niall is sitting closest to the wall, and Liam slides in after him, Zayn
getting the outside seat. Louis and Harry are across from them, Louis arm possessively around
Harrys shoulder.

How long until they start? Zayn asks Harry.

Should be any time soon, Harry says, craning his neck over the back of the seat so he can see
the stage. We should get drinks.

Ill do it, Zayn offers, grabbing Liams hand so he can come with him.

Ill come with you, Niall says quickly. Li, you stay here. We got it.

Liam climbs out of the booth to let Niall out, and then he gives Zayn a reassuring grin. Zayn
swallows and nods at him, just once, and then he and Niall head to the bar.

Zayn orders four Pepsis (after asking Niall what he wanted) and one bottle of water for Liam.
They both sit on one of the stools at the bar while they wait, Zayns elbows resting on the bar
while Niall turns in his seat.

Nialls eying him with a heavy look, like hes trying to figure Zayn out. Finally he says, Youre
alright, then. Zayn frowns at him and he adds, But seriously, you fuck with Liam and youll
regret it. Got it?

Zayn raises his eyebrows. I wasnt planning on it.

Niall shrugs. I know, but I had to say it. He grins. Thats my best mate, you know, and he-- I
dont like to see him get hurt, so just dont.

Okay, Zayn says, nodding. I wont. I dont want to see him get hurt, either.

Liam has that affect on people, Niall says while drumming his fingers on the bar. You just
want to take care of him, you know? Even though hes way more capable of taking care of either
of us. And hed probably get pissed at us for it, too, but you cant really help it.

True enough, Zayn says, because it is.

He cant help but look behind him to see how Liams doing, and hes listening raptly as Harry
says something, gesturing a lot with his hands. Zayn recognizes the look on his face, and he
knows that Liams being subjected to one of Harrys stupid stories. Louis is rolling his eyes,
looking about ready to smash his face on the table, but Zayn knows that, deep down, Louis loves
everything Harry says. And Liam is so fucking polite, he looks genuinely interested in what
Harrys saying. Harry is probably having a field day with this, because Zayn and Louis never put
up with that shit.

When they get back -- Niall balancing two cups, Zayn balancing two as well, Liams water bottle
tucked into his back pocket--, Liam moves out of the booth so Niall can sit back down, and then
Zayn places their drinks on the table and moves back in beside him, arm resting on Liams
shoulder.

The bar fills up slowly around them, and then suddenly its packed. How popular is this band,
exactly? Zayn asks, frowning at the group that has already converged near the small stage, all
looking anxiously at the equipment while waiting for the band to get out and start.

Pretty popular, Harry admits.

Liams hand is on his thigh until the band comes out. Harry and Louis leave the booth, Harry
dragging Louis off into the crowd. Do you want to go with them? Zayn asks Liam.

Liam shakes his head. Can we just watch from here? he asks.

Zayn nods. Sure.

Let me out first, Niall says. This redhead keeps grinning at me. Tenner says I make out with
her in the bathroom in twenty minutes.

Liam rolls his eyes. Youre disgusting, he says, but he and Zayn get up so he can move towards
the girl in question, who lowers her eyes and grins down at her drink as Niall approaches.

The band is good, actually. They have a loud sound, and the crowd seems to know most of their
songs. He can see Harry and Louis near the front of the stage, Harry staring up at the band in awe,
Louis staring at Harry in awe.

This is nice, Liam whispers against his neck.

Zayn tightens his grip around Liams shoulder and looks at him, unable to hold back the grin
fighting its way onto his face. Yeah, it is.

He ends up driving Niall home. He likes him, actually. Hes not at all what Zayn would have
expected from one of Liams friends. Niall swears almost as much as Zayn, and his easy smiles
are closer to smirks than Liams ever are. He and Harry get along really well, too, and Louis
warms to him by the end of the night, as soon as hes positive that Niall is 100% straight and
therefore not a threat to his relationship.

Do you want to come in for a bit? Liam asks when they get to his house. He flushes a little and
adds, My parents arent home until later.

In the two months that theyve been dating (not that either of them have actually said anything to
make it official, Zayn just thinks that they dont really have to), hes never been in Liams house.
Liams been in his so many times. Zayns sisters love him, and his mum practically worships
Liams very being (Hes such a nice boy, far different from your other friends, shed said,
though Zayn knows that his mum actually adores Louis no matter how much of a bad influence
she thinks he is), and Zayns bed smells permanently like cinnamon now.
He parks the car out front and then Liam leads him inside. Liams house smells like cookies,
which just figures, really. Are we going up to your room or staying down here? Zayn asks. Hes
whispering, and he cant figure out why, except it just makes sense, given the darkness of the
entire house.

Liam flips on a light and says, Lets just watch something in the living room.

Liams sofa is old and comfortable and it sinks in just the right amount. The whole house is pretty
much like Liam, from what Zayns seen. Warm and comforting. He likes it.

Ill get us something to drink and snack on, Liam says after turning on the television. Zayn
watches him go and then gets up.

There are pictures all around the room, most of them of Liam and his sisters (hes got two, which
Zayn learned exactly a month after they met). He pauses in front of one of Liam when he was
probably around eight or nine. Hes impossibly thin and his skin is ashen, and Zayn wonders why
someone would keep around a picture of their kid while they obviously had the flu or something,
but he doesnt ask when Liam comes back in.

Liam flicks off the light and drops a bag of crisps and two cans of Pepsi onto the coffee table.
Zayn settles back onto the sofa, and Liam sits in the middle seat so he can lean into Zayns side.

Zayn has no fucking idea what theyre watching. Liams hand is on his thigh, and his fingers are
steadily moving upwards, so slowly that its driving Zayn crazy. When Liam turns off the
television it makes the room nearly pitch black.

He feels a hand on his jaw and he turns, lips seeking Liams. When he finds them theyre slightly
slick and salty from the crisps, but he likes it anyways. Liam kisses him thoroughly, the old
hesitance almost completely gone. Hes messing up Zayns hair, too, but Zayn knows that Liam
likes it better out of the quiff anyways.

Eventually he ends up laying on the couch, Liam straddling him. Liam pulls up, hands flat on
Zayns chest, and hes sort of heavy in the best possible way. Can we try something? Liam
asks.

Zayn wishes he could see his face, but its too dark. Whatever you want, Liam.

Okay. Liams hands move down his chest, over his stomach, and then pause for a moment at
the waistband of his jeans. And then he palms Zayn through them, and Zayns hips jerk up of their
own accord because they havent gone this far yet, and Zayns been desperate for it. He never
mentions this to Liam, though, because hes letting Liam control everything completely so he feels
comfortable.

This okay? Liam asks quietly.

Zayn nods and licks his lips. Definitely. More than.

Liam chuckles and his fingers fumble with the button on Zayns jeans. He pulls down the zip, too,
and then Zayn shimmies a bit and Liam adjusts his waist so he can pull Zayn jeans off completely.

Yours too? Zayn asks.

Yeah. Liam gets off him for a moment, and he can hear Liam shuffling out of his pants. When
his weight is back on Zayn, its without the barrier of both of their jeans, and he can feel how hard
Liam is against his hip. It makes a needy sound bubble up in his throat, and he grabs at Liams
shirt, tugging him down for a kiss.

Liam is panting into his mouth more than kissing him, and Zayns grabbing Liams ass, pulling
them closer together, rutting against him. Liams lips slip to his neck, and he bites down softly,
licking at the spot afterwards. Zayn shifts a bit until the position is better, and this time when his
hips move up he feels them rub against each other just right, nothing but the thin material of their
boxers to separate them.

When Zayns hands move under the waistband of Liams to grip his ass better, Liam lets out a
soft, broken, Please.

Fuck. Zayn pushes himself up, Liam nearly falling off him. Just sit up for a minute, Zayn orders.
Liam does as he says, climbing off him completely.

Zayn locates the remote for the television and turns it on, hitting mute. The bluish light struggles to
illuminate the room, but its more than enough for Zayn. He can see Liam sitting on the couch,
legs spread, eyes wide and lip caught between his teeth as he eyes Zayn warily, like hes
expecting Zayn to get dressed and leave.

Zayn groans at him and climbs onto Liams lap, hands on the back of the couch to hold himself
up. Tell me what you want, he says to Liam. He leans down to drag his lips over Liams jaw. I
could blow you, if you want.

Liams breath gets ragged and he scratches at Zayns back through his shirt. You dont-- you
dont have to, he says.

Zayn snorts and pulls back so Liam can see his grin. I want to.

Liam searches his eyes for a moment before he nods furiously. Zayn kisses his lip before getting
off him. He grabs Liams shoulder and carefully manoeuvres him so hes laying on the couch the
way that Zayn had been. He settles himself between Liams legs and then palms him teasingly
through his boxers while Liam pushes himself up on his elbows so he can watch what Zayns
doing.

Im good at this, I promise, Zayn assures him.

Liams eyes narrow a bit and he says, For some reason that doesnt really reassure me. It just
makes me incredibly jealous.

Dont be, Zayn says, kissing the inside of his thigh. That was before I met you. He kisses the
other one. None of that counts. None of them count. Just you.

Liams head falls back against the armrest. How do I know you wont be staying those exact
words a year from now to someone else?

Zayn gives Liam a fondly exasperated look while he shakes his head. Liam doesnt understand at
all. There wont be anyone else. Zayn wont ever be satisfied with anything less than Liam, but he
doesnt say that because it still freaks him out a hell of a lot.

Instead of over thinking everything the way Liam does, Zayn frees Liam of the confines of his
boxers. The sound he makes when Zayn wraps a hand around him is one that he will likely never
forget; its rough and low and electrifying.

Zayn keeps his eyes on Liams as he leans forward to lick at the head, testing the waters. Liams
eyelids flutter and one of his hands grip the back of the couch while the other grabs Zayns
shoulder, fingers digging in a bit. Zayn smirks at him before lowering his mouth and wrapping his
lips around him.

Liam is biting his lip so hard that Zayns mildly impressed at the fact that his teeth havent gone
right through it. The move doesnt fully conceal the sounds that he is obviously trying to hold
back, because they slip out and fill the otherwise silent room. Zayns so fucking hard just from
doing this for him, and he cant help but reach a hand down to grip himself through his boxers,
just to relieve the pressure a bit.

He lowers his mouth until Liams hitting the back of his throat, and the sound that Liam makes at
that has him gripping himself a little tighter, eyes squeezing closed. Liams practically vibrating
under him, and Zayn can tell that hes doing everything in his power not to thrust up into Zayns
mouth. Hes grateful for that.

Do it, Liam says breathless. Zayn pulls off him completely, frowning, hand working Liam over
while he waits for Liam to elaborate. His words are shaky and his eyes drop to where Zayn very
obviously has a hand around himself before he squeezes them closed. Touch yourself, if you-- I
mean-- do it. If you want to. Please.

Zayn groans because he didnt think Liam was capable of saying shit like that, and fuck it if that
isnt the hottest thing hes ever heard. Zayn licks the underside of Liams cock before pulling him
fully into his mouth again, and he pushes down his own boxers enough to wrap a hand around
himself.

Hes moaning around Liam now, but he doesnt even care, because Liam looks lost to the world.
His hands are curling feebly around everything he can reach, and his forehead is covered in a
sheen of sweat. The only warning Zayn gets before he comes is a helpless moan and a tightening
in Liams body. He doesnt get a chance to pull back as Liam comes down his throat. He coughs
and struggles to swallow it all while Liam lets out a string of, Sorry, fuck, Zayn, fuck.

Liam swearing, he decides, is his favourite thing, and hes going to do his best to make Liam do it
all the time. For now he focuses on pulling off Liam, and he reaches for his drink to wash away
the taste because, yeah, he loves Liam, but even his come doesnt taste pleasant.

When hes done Liam tucks himself back into his boxers and gives him a look, like he thinks
Zayn is the greatest thing in the world. And then he pushes Zayn back onto the couch and
straddles his thighs, his hand wrapping around Zayn instantly, a determined look on his face.

There is nothing teasing about the way Liam works him over. Zayn loves it, loves the way that
Liam looks on top of him, loves the way his wide hand feels wrapped around him, and the way
that Liam looks at him. His head hits the armrest of the couch painfully when he comes, eyes
falling closed, Liams name on his lips. Liam strokes him through it until its too much, and then
he stops.

Liam is searching for something to clean his hand off with when Zayn grabs the front of his shirt
and pulls him in for a kiss. He makes a surprised sound but kisses Zayn back, letting him control
the way the kiss goes, and he keeps it soft and chaste and warm.

I love you, Zayn mumbles against Liams lips.

Liam pulls away from him abruptly; Zayn doesnt think hes ever felt so cold in Liams presence.
Liam is frantically grabbing their clothes off the ground, and he throws Zayns jeans at him. They
hit his chest and fall into his lap while Liam says, You need to leave.

Zayn gawks at him, mind whirling. What? Liam--,

Please leave, Liam says, much quieter. Zayn, just go. I-- please--,

Okay, Zayn snaps, tugging on his jeans. His fingers fumble over the buttons and he feels like
crying, which is just fucking stupid because Zayn does not cry. Im fucking going.

Liam isnt even facing him when hes done. Hes leaning on the shelf that holds a few books,
movies, and other nicknacks. His back is tensed and he wont even fucking look at Zayn. Thats
what hurts the most. Not the lack of explanation or warning; he cant even face Zayn, and that
twists his gut and makes him want to throw things and yell and sob, all at the same time. Instead
he heads for the door. He doesnt even bother putting on his shoes -- it takes too much effort, so
instead he just grabs them and practically runs from Liams nice house that suddenly seems
foreign and cold.

His fingers cant seem to work as he tries to jam the key into the ignition, and Zayn has to stop for
a moment and clear his mind. He leans his head down onto the steering wheel, fingers still curled
around it, and tries to think. What did he do wrong? He thought theyve been working up to that
for months now, really. He thought Liam felt the same way. He was so sure. But god, of course
he doesnt. Zayn is an idiot, obviously, and Liam is probably just as aware as he is that hes far too
good to give something like his heart to someone like Zayn.

He has no idea how he gets home. The ride passes in a blur of lights and street names passing by
too quickly. His mum is waiting for him, and she comes into the hallway as soon as he drops his
shoes on the floor.

Do you have any idea what time it is? she demands, hand on her hip.

No, Zayn admits.

Its one in the morning. No warning, no call. Ive been worried sick. No more car for you. No
more going out, no--,

Okay, Zayn says quietly. He shoulders past her and climbs the stairs, not capable of doing this
right now.

Zayn! his mother shouts. Dont you walk away from me when Im--, He shuts his door to
drown her out.

He falls into bed, too tired to stay up any later. He pulls his blankets in around himself, like a
cocoon or barricade, like they could somehow protect him from the way his heart feels like
shattering. They cant, and they smell like cinnamon anyways.

--

Zayn is weak. It takes him only three days before he caves and calls Liam. He doesnt answer,
and he doesnt call back, either. Zayn tries again. And again, until he realizes how fucking
pathetic hes being. After that he stops trying to talk to Liam and he starts trying to forget him.

Except he cant because Liam is everywhere. And he finds himself sitting at his desk constantly,
pencil poised over the sketch of Liam. And he finishes it, finally, by memory this time. He gets the
eyes right, fixes the eyebrows, somehow manages to capture Liams lovely jaw and the birthmark
on his neck and the crinkles by his eyes.
Louis is concerned. Hes probably rightfully concerned, too, because there is something
detrimentally wrong with him. Teenage relationships arent supposed to feel like this. Of course
hes supposed to feel like the world ends at first, but hes supposed to get over it. But Zayn is
not getting over it. Louis thinks this is because he doesnt have closure, that its because things
ended so abruptly and without warning, and therefore Zayn needs to figure out why before he
can, as Louis puts it, Start healing and get back out there.

The thing is, Zayn knows this isnt it. It has nothing to do with being confused (which he is,
though thats not the point). It has everything to do with Liam. If it were anyone else, Zayn thinks
it would be different.

Hes shading in the tops of Liams shoulder -- the only part of his body in the sketch, other than
his head and neck-- when someone knocks on the door downstairs. Zayn is home alone today, his
dad still at work, his mum taking the girls out to do shopping. He sighs and wonders if theyll
leave if he ignores it for long enough, but the knocking continues, only louder and more insistent.

Zayn groans and pushes away from his desk, heading for the stairs. The knocking continues and
he cant help but snap, Im coming.

It stops abruptly and Zayn rolls his eyes as he reaches the door, fingers curling around the knob.
He pulls it open, expecting Louis (because who else could it be, really?), but thats not who he
finds on the other side of the door. Its definitely not Louis. Its Liam, and he looks -- he doesnt
look good, not at all the way he is in Zayns memory. Its been two weeks and yet he looks
thinner, and his skin isnt so much sun kissed as it is ashen and pale. There are bags under his
eyes, too, and his lips and chewed to shit.

Hi, Liam says quietly.

Zayn slams the door in his face. His heart is hammering in his chest, and this isnt fair. Why is he
here?

He cant hold himself up, so he leans against the door and slides to the floor, pulling his legs up to
his chest. He buries his head in his hand and curses Liams name silently, over and over, wanting
to hate him and failing miserably.

Zayn, Liam says quietly. I know youre there.

Fuck off, Liam, Zayn hisses, banging his head on the door. Just go the fuck away. I dont even
know why youre here right now.

I need to talk to you. His voice breaks and Zayn wonders if hes crying. He sincerely hopes that
he is, the asshole. Please. Just give me five minutes to explain. Thats all Im asking. I dont want
you to forgive me, I just want you to understand.

Fuck it, Zayn mutters, pushing himself up. He pulls open the door and then says, You have
exactly five minutes, and then I want you back out of my life, Liam.

Okay, Liam says softly, nodding.

Zayn doesnt wait for him to come in or take his shoes off. He just stomps up the stairs, throws
open his door, and collapses into the chair at his desk. A moment later Liam comes in and perches
at the end of his bed, head ducked, hands folded neatly in his lap. Zayn notes the way his shirt
seems to hang off him, too big for his body, which isnt right because he knows that shirt,
recognizes it, and it should be stretched tight around Liams wide shoulders.

I guess I should start at the beginning, then, Liam says, looking up at him.
Zayn crosses his arms over his chest and narrows his eyes. Its not fair, the way that it physically
makes him sick to look at Liam because it hurts. It hurts so much and he doesnt want this at all.
He didnt ask for this. He should have told Liam to get the fuck out that first day. He knew Liam
was going to destroy him, and hes done a pretty good job of it.

I lied, Liam says suddenly, eyebrows drawn together. Hes not meeting Zayns eyes. Instead
hes focusing on the wall a bit behind his head. Since that first day, Ive been lying to you. I
dont volunteer at the hospital. That was an excuse.

Zayn wasnt expecting that. He uncrosses his arms and grips the chair tightly. What do you mean
you dont volunteer at the hospital? What the fuck were you doing there, then? Are you a
stalker?

No, Liam snaps. Im sick, Zayn. Fuck. Im a patient, okay? I didnt want you to know because
youd look at me differently. Everyone always does! But God, I remember seeing you in the halls
and thinking you were the brightest person Ive ever laid eyes on, and I had to know you. So I
borrowed one of the volunteer uniforms and got a nametag for myself, and none of the nurses
cared because they all like me quite a lot.

Zayn cocks his head to the side, not following. What do you mean you-- what?

Liams face hardens and he leans back on his palms, levelling Zayn with an annoyed look that
does little to cover up the hurt in his eyes. Youre not stupid, Zayn. Go on, say it.

Youre sick, Zayn repeats, the room suddenly far too cold. He shivers. Like, the flu or
something.

Liam gives him a not amused look. Do you spend weeks in the hospital because of the flu,
Zayn?

No, Zayn says quietly. He rubs a hand over his mouth and then leans on his elbows and licks
his lips. So whats wrong with you, then? He racks his brain for something that could possibly
make sense, but he cant find anything.

I have lymphoma, Liam says, chin tilted almost defiantly.

I dont know what that is, Zayn tells him.

Its a type of cancer that--,

No, Zayn says, standing up. No. Liam, dont fuck with me, come on. This isnt funny. Stop.

Im not playing around, Zayn. Liam looks both angry and hurt, like Zayn is the one whos
doing this, not him.

You dont have cancer, Zayn states, because if he says it then it must be true. You dont even
look sick!

Okay, he does today, but he didnt before. He-- hes healthy. He cant have cancer. That doesnt
even make sense. This is the sickest joke anyone has ever played on him.

I didnt, Liam admits. I was just starting chemo when I met you, so I still looked fairly healthy.
It takes its toll, obviously.

Youre fucked, Liam, Zayn tells him. He pulls open his bedroom door. Get out.
Zayn--,

I said get the fuck out! Zayn shouts. Get out of my fucking house!

Liam tries to touch him on the way to the door, but Zayn steps away from him, out of reach. He
can see the tears brimming Liams eyes, but they dont fall. When hes out the door Zayn slams it
closed, and he waits to hear the front door open, and then close behind him. When it does Zayns
back hits the wall and he falls down it, much like he had at the door, only now he puts his arms
around his legs to keep himself from falling apart, because thats how he feels. Like hes breaking,
piece by piece, and he cant keep it together.

Hes not sure how long he sits there, but his parents come home and the sounds of his sisters
running through the house, and his mum starting dinner reach his ears. Logically he thinks he
should get up, but he cant. His mum calls his name for dinner and hes still just sitting there on the
floor, head resting on his knees, unmoving.

Eventually his mum knocks on his door, and when he still doesnt answer she pushes it open.
When she finds him she lets out a surprised sound and then calls his name again, softer. Zayn
cant answer. He cant look up at her. He cant think. Its all just too much. His head is whirling
because he knows, he knows that Liam wasnt lying. He was telling the truth. He wishes Liam
never told him. He wishes Liam never explained. He wishes that Liam had just continued to
ignore him. It was better than this. Anything is better than this.

Zayn, his mother says quietly. She kneels down on the floor in front of him and brushes a hand
through his hair. Youre crying.

He is. He didnt even notice until now, but there are tears falling from his eyes, soaking the knees
of his jeans. He doesnt move to wipe them away.

Zayn, she tries again. Whats wrong? What happened?

He doesnt answer.

Zayn! Now shes yelling, but he cant do anything to consol her because he cant move. She
calls his fathers name, and then theyre both saying his name, over an over, but he just sits there
until he hears his mum pick up the phone.

They both leave the room. Twenty minutes later Louis is there, brushing a hand through his hair,
wiping away his tears. He forces Zayn to look up at him, and he uncurls Zayns arms from around
his legs. He shouldnt have done that, because now Zayn cant hold himself together, and he falls
apart completely. He sobs and grabs at Louis like hes the only thing in the world because, at that
moment, he sort of is.

He cant breath and his head feels heavy, and all he can thinks is Liam is sick. Thats all that goes
through his mind and it doesnt make sense but it does at the same time, and its not fair. Its not
right, because Liam is the greatest person Zayn has ever met. He is sunshine and laughter and
optimism. He is every single good thing Zayn can think of, like birthday cake and sitting in the
sand at the beach and his mum singing to him and playing football with Louis and a cold glass of
water on a hot day. And now hes tainted. The one good thing in the entire world and now its
ruined.

Babe, Louis says softly, hand rubbing circles onto Zayns back. Does this have to do with
Liam?

Zayn chokes out a laugh that makes him sound like hes dying. But hes not, is he? Liam is. Hes
sick, Lou, Zayn says into Louis shoulder. He lied to me. He wasnt--, Zayn swallows thickly.
He wasnt a fucking volunteer. Hes got cancer.

Louis pushes on his shoulders and gapes at him, shaking his head. Zayn laughs again even though
hes still steadily crying in a way that he hasnt since he was, like, seven, for fuck sake. No,
Louis says quietly. Zayn--,

Just leave me alone, Louis, Zayn says quietly. I just want everyone to leave me alone, okay?

Im not leaving you alone, Louis tells him. Its-- itll be fine. Okay. Itll be fine. Im sure hes--
Im sure hes fine. Fuck. Liams healthier than either of us, are you sure--,

Positive, Zayn says darkly. Im fucking positive. If youre going to talk about it, get the fuck
out.

Zayn, you have to talk about it--,

I really, really dont, Zayn tells him, pushing him away. He remembers how to move again and
he gets up, taking long strides away from Louis. I wish he never told me. I wish-- I wish I never
met him.

Thats not true, Louis says carefully.

It is, though, Zayn says. He grins despite the fact that his cheeks are still wet with tears. It
fucking is, Louis. I wish more than anything that Id never met him. Hes the worst thing thats
ever happened to me.

Zayn, Louis snaps.

Just leave me alone, Zayn begs, falling onto his bed. Just-- everyone needs to just leave me
alone.

The thing is, he does. He leaves Zayn, shutting the door behind himself. But he obviously goes
and tells Zayns mum, because ten minutes later she comes into the room with a cup of tea and a
look on her face that says shes aching for him. He doesnt want that. He wants them all to leave
him alone.

Louis told me, she says, sinking onto his bed.

Zayn has the blankets curled around himself and he doesnt plan to leave them ever again. He
doesnt plan on leaving this bed ever again. He will stay here forever, wrapped in his blankets,
avoiding the world because its too much for him. Hes not strong enough to deal with anything
anymore.

I need my laptop, Zayn tells her as she hands him a cup of tea thats too hot. It burns his tongue
when he drinks it, but he doesnt stop because he realizes hes cold. Hes so, so cold, and it almost
hurts.

Okay, his mum agrees. Ill get it right now.

Zayn nods and tucks his blanket back under his chin as he drinks. He cant taste the tea at all. It
might as well be scalding hot water for all he notices, and it does little to warm him.

When she comes back his laptop is under her arm. She places it on the bed and says, If you need
anything, just call.
The only thing he needs right now is Liam, but he also needs to never see Liam again, so he
doesnt mention it. He just grunts and puts the cup on the side table so he can pull open Google.
He spells it wrong the first time, but by the third try he finds what hes looking for. Hes not
stupid, but the medical terms are still fairly confusing for him. What he learns is simple: lymphoma
is a type of blood cancer that causes tumours. Its apparently very treatable, through
chemotherapy, or radiation therapy, or bone marrow transplants, depending on the case. It makes
the lymph nodes swell, while also causing weight loss in certain cases (which Zayn had noticed
about Liam today) and a lack of appetite (hes only seen Liam eat a handful of times, and he
always declines when Zayn wants to take him out for dinner).

Zayn stops reading after that because he has to. He cant keep reading the words that barely make
any sense to him, because in the end they still only mean one thing, and that is that Liam is sick.

He shoves the laptop away from him and grabs the phone. His fingers hover over the first digit of
Liams number, but he doesnt press it. Instead he dials another, equally familiar number, and
waits until Harry picks up. Zayn! he says brightly, and he knows immediately that Louis has
already spoken to him, too. Its too cheerful and bright, and he can tell that its put on. How are
you?

I need Nialls number, Zayn says, ignoring him.

Harry hesitates for a moment. Dont you think you should call Liam instead?

No.

Zayn--,

No.

Harry sighs and reads off a number. Smarten the fuck up though, Malik. He deserves to hear
from you, no matter how upset you are.

Zayn hangs up on him and then calls the number Harry gave. Niall picks up on the third ring with
a short, Who is this?

Zayn coughs awkwardly and says, Its -- um, Zayn.

Who is it? He hears Liam ask in the background, and he nearly hangs up. Hes not that much of
a coward, though.

Its just my mum, Niall says quickly. Give me a minute.

Niall covers the receiver but he still hears a door open and close, and then shuffling as Niall brings
the phone back to his ear.

What the fuck do you want? Niall demands. And what the fuck did you do to him? He wont
tell me, but hes been--,

How sick is he? Zayn asks.

Niall cuts off with a surprised sound, and Zayn swears he nearly drops the phone. So he told
you, he says after a minute or so.

I figured you knew, Zayn says quietly, dropping his eyes to his freehand, which is fisted in the
sheet. He focuses on uncurling the fingers, one by one, and theyre red from holding on too
tightly.
Of course I knew, Niall snaps. Thats my best mate. I was here the first time, and Ill be here--
Ill be here after this time.

Zayn refuses to cry again. So this isnt the first time hes been sick, then.

Not my place, Niall tells him. You want answers, you get them from him. And you better
fucking call him, because Harryll tell me where you live, and Ill make sure you regret it if you
dont. He deserves that much, at least. I dont know what you did, but hes a mess.

So am I, Zayn admits before hanging up.

--

He doesnt go to school the next day. In fact, he doesnt leave his bed for a total of two days,
except to go to the bathroom. His mum forces him to eat, but she doesnt get that the thought of
food twists his stomach and makes him want to retch.

On the third day he realizes how much of a pathetic asshole hes being, and he gets out of bed and
showers. Hes overreacting, he thinks. Hes blowing things out of proportion. Things will be fine,
obviously. And he needs to go to Liam and apologize.

After his shower he dresses quick, doesnt even bother with his hair, and then grabs his sketch off
the desk before he heads out the door. He doesnt borrow the car, but instead opts to just walk. Its
not a short walk, either, but the cold air and the time alone gives him a chance to think and just
breathe.

He smokes three cigarettes on the way to Laims, one after another, and hes aware that its a bit
excessive, but he cant help it. The fact that he smokes a pack every two days and is completely
healthy isnt fair, when Liams never smoked once in his life and look whats happened to him. If
either of them deserved something like this, it would be Zayn, not him. Never Liam.

Its as he walks up to Liams door that he realizes his parents are home. Their car is in the
driveway, and hes going to have to meet them. The thought makes him almost turn around and
head back home, but he has to suck this up because Liam would do it for him, so he will do it for
Liam. But Liam is a far stronger person than Zayn, obviously, and he cant deny the fact that hes
freaking out a bit as he knocks on the door.

The woman that answers has Liams eyes. Its the first thing he notices. They dont radiate
warmth the way that Liams do, though. The second thing he notices is the surprised look in them,
and then realization.

Zayn, she says. Right?

Um, yeah, Zayn says, stuffing his hands in his pockets. Is Liam home?

Yes, he is, she answers, not inviting him in.

Can I see him?

Her eyes narrow just a bit and she say, Im sorry. He just got back from-- volunteering. Hes a bit
tired. Maybe you could come back--,
I know he doesnt volunteer, Zayn tells her. He feels impolite cutting her off, but he cant help
it.

Oh, she says softly. Right, well, in that case you might as well come in, then.

Zayn nods and she opens the door widely. He steps inside and takes off his shoes, and then she
gestures to the stairs. His room is the second on he left. I warn you that hes in a bit of a mood
today. Chemo does that to him.

Thank you, Zayn tells her.

She smiles faintly at him. You brightened up his world, you know, she says softly, like its a
secret.

Zayn shakes his head because shes wrong. Liam brightened his in a way that he didnt even think
was possible.

He doesnt knock on Liams door. It feels fitting, given the fact that Liam had done the same to
him the first time they met.

Im not hungry, Liam groans from his bed. Hes on his side, blankets pulled up over his
shoulders. Theres a television on the desk a few feet from his bed, and hes watching one of the
Lord of the Rings movies.

The room is very Liam, he thinks. Its neat and orderly, and the walls are painted a calming cream
colour that isnt too distracting. Its a bit dorky, too, with the various posters on the walls for video
games and Star Wars and a Lord of the Rings poster that Zayn used to own, actually.

Good thing I didnt bring food, then, Zayn says.

Liam sits up so fast it makes even Zayns head spin. He looks like shit, Zayn thinks. If he looked
tired and thin the other day, its nothing to how he looks today. Theres a thin coating of sweat
covering his skin, too, making it glisten in the faint light coming through the open curtains.

Zayn, Liam says softly.

Hi.

What are you doing here? Liam wonders, and Zayn cant tell if he sounds more angry or
dejected. Its a pretty even amount of both, really.

Zayn rubs the back of his neck awkwardly. I came to apologize, mostly, he admits. And just to
see you.

Liams eyes narrow. If I told you to leave, would you?

No, Zayn says firmly.

Liam rolls his eyes and falls back onto the bed. I didnt think so, he admits. Fine, say what you
want.

Zayn doesnt hesitate in crawling into Liams bed. It smells like him, and its comfortable and
warm. He wants to curl up in it with Liam and never leave. Like, if he could just keep Liam in
bed, and in his arms, he could make sure that Liam was okay. He will make sure that Liam is
okay.
He settles in like Liam had that day in the hospital, on his back with his hands folded on his
stomach, eyes on the ceiling. I freaked out, Zayn admits.

No shit, Liam says.

I thought I liked it when you swore, but I dont, actually, Zayn tells him. Not when youre
swearing at me, anyways.

Just get on with it, Liam snaps. Im tired, and I was watching a movie.

Zayn nods to himself and then continues. Im still freaking out. Its sort of a lot to deal with, you
know.

Youre not the one who has to live with it, Liam reminds him.

Zayn turns on his side to face Liam, but Liam wont look at him. I do, though, Zayn tells him. I
do because I love you so--,

Dont, Liam says, cutting him off. Dont say it, because I dont want to hear it. I didnt
want you to love me, okay? I didnt because I cant deal with watching you go through this the
way Ive had to watch my parents go through it. You know, its not that bad for me. Ive accepted
it, right? But everyone around you, when youre sick, cant seem to do that. They cant deal with
it. And it fucking hurts to know that theyre hurting, and its all my fault. I cant do that with you,
too.

Too bad, Zayn says, and he hates the way his words sound thick. Im not going anywhere.

What if I told you to?

If you really think that would work then you dont know me as well as you should, Zayn tells
him.

Liam finally turns to him, and he searches Zayns eyes for a moment. This is why I never told
you, he says quietly. Because now its all youll think about when were together. Every time
you look at me itll be all you see. It ruins everything, and now its ruined this, too.

Thats not true, Zayn says, because its not. In fact, looking into Liams eyes, its really, really
fucking easy to forget. Liams not buying it, though, so he digs into his back pocket and pulls out
a piece of paper that is far more warn than it should be. This is what I see, okay? And thats not
going to change.

Liam takes the paper and unfolds it. Zayn watches his reactions, watches the way his eyes widen
and his thumb brushes over the page. Tears well in his eyes and he coughs roughly before saying,
This doesnt even look like me anymore.

And its sort of true. His cheeks are thinner, hes not smiling at all, and theres something
internally pained in his expression that there wasnt when Zayn had finished the drawing. It
will, Zayn says, pulling it back. He folds up the paper because hes not giving it to Liam, he just
wanted to show him. When you get better, it will.

If, Liam says while Zayns pocketing the drawing again.

What? Zayn asks, turning to face him.

Liam shrugs, expression carefully blank. If I get better, Zayn.

Dont do that, Zayn says forcefully, anger bubbling up inside of him. Thats not fair. Thats my
thing. Im the pessimist. Youre the one who looks on the bright side, Liam. Youre the one whos
supposed to tell me itll be okay, not the other way around.

Im not going to lie about it, Liam gets out, hand brushing over Zayns cheek. He realizes that
hes crying again, and he almost wishes Louis were here to slap him and call him a little bitch just
so he could stop.

I want you to, Zayn tells him, pushing at Liams shoulder. Youre supposed to. Thats what
you do.

If it helps, Liam says without meeting his eyes, I love you, too.

It doesnt, Zayn gasps out. It doesnt help at all. That only makes it hurt worse.

He cant breathe again. His chest feels so tight and heavy. He sucks in but its like the air cant
move through his lungs. And then Liam is on top of him, hands on his chest, fingers curling into
his shirt.

Breathe, Liam orders. Zayn tries. Slower, calmer. Youre fine, Zayn. Youre fine.

I dont care about me, Zayn says breathlessly. He cups Liams face and brushes his thumb over
his cheekbone, being as gentle as possible.

Liam slaps his hand away, and theres something fiery in his eyes. If you want to be in my life,
youre going to have to deal with this, Liam tells him. Do you hear me, Zayn? I cant have you
treating me like something breakable. I cant have you looking like youre terrified of me. I cant.

Im scared for you, not of you, Zayn tells him.

Liam shakes his head. I dont care. If all I see when I look into your eyes terror, I wont be able
to look into them anymore.

Zayn listens to Liams earlier instructions. He breathes, he calms down a bit, he clears his mind
some. Hes still struggling to come to terms with this. Hes still struggling just to understand. But
the thing is, he cant not have Liam in his life. So if thats what Liam wants, if Liam wants him to
act like its no big deal, thats what hell do.

Okay, Zayn agrees. He nods. Okay. But-- youre going to have to give me time to adjust. To
figure everything out.

Okay, Liam repeats. No more crying though, alright? Thats rule number one. I cant stand it
when people cry around me, especially not you.

Zayn wipes at his cheeks and, instead of grinning, he narrows his eyes and pouts a bit. Can I still
angst and brood?

I wouldnt have you any other way, Liam says happily.

Can we cuddle and watch Lord of the Rings while you answer a few of my questions?

Liam sighs and nods. Yeah, I guess thats fair.

Liam sets up the pillows so that Zayn is laying behind him, and his head is propped up a bit
higher. His own head is more on Zayns chest than his own pillow, and Zayns arm and leg are
around him, holding him close. He still smells like cinnamon, and Zayn ducks his head to kiss
Liams forehead because of it.

So how sick are you? Zayn asks quietly.

Thats not an easy question to answer, Liam tells him. Theyre not exactly sure at the moment.
I have tests coming up in two weeks again, and theyll be able to tell whether or not the therapy is
working. Until then I cant really answer that question.

Okay, Zayn says, hand sliding under Liams shirt. He rubs at his stomach as he thinks. This
isnt the first time youve been sick, is it?

No, Liam admits. When I was nine, same thing. I spent most of the next two years in the
hospital because of it, but I was okay afterwards. I didnt go back to school, though, which is why
Im so-- you know. Awkward, or whatever. My mum home schools me, and I dont really have
friends, except for Niall, but he lives next door so he could always come over when my mum
thought I was too sick to leave the house.

What are the chances of you getting better again?

Fairly good, at the moment. Liam tilts his head back and closes his eyes, lashes brushing against
his too sharp cheekbones. Unless Im not reacting right to the chemo.

What happens then? Zayn asks softly.

Then I get really sick, Liam answers, equally soft. If I dont respond to the chemo, the chances
of me getting better get significantly smaller.

Well thats not going to happen, Zayn says firmly, pulling Liam impossibly closer.

Liam snorts. You dont know that.

Zayn kisses his neck, right over the mark that he likes. Yeah, I do, he says against his skin.

Liam sighs against him and says, Im not going to argue with you.

Good. Zayn smiles against his skin. What are you doing on Saturday?

Spending the day with you, obviously, Liam says, much like Zayn had the day after he was
released from the hospital, when hed called Liam and Liam had asked him out.

Perfect, Zayn says. I read online that theres supposed to be an extended trailer for Iron Man
three after the movie.

Liam shakes his head. So were going to go watch an entire two hour long movie, just to see a
trailer for a movie that wont be out for eight months?

Zayn brushes a hand over Liams head, and for the first time he realizes that Liam doesnt have a
buzz cut because he likes it. Its just another thing that proves that he really is sick. And Zayn
pushes that thought away because he promised Liam he wouldnt think like that. He likes the buzz
cut, likes the way it feels under his fingers, and thats that.

Thats exactly what were going to do, Zayn confirms.

Youre ridiculous, Liam tells him. And a dork. You like to pretend that youre cool, with your
brooding looks and your art and that leather jacket, but youre secretly the biggest dork.

So are you, Zayn argues. Youve got the whole jock look down pat, but Im staring at a
So are you, Zayn argues. Youve got the whole jock look down pat, but Im staring at a
Doctor Who poster right now.

Yeah, but Im okay with that, Liam says, rolling over so theyre face to face. You try to hide
it.

Not with you, Zayn points out.

No, not with me, Liam agrees, and then he smiles, and bright and sunny and perfect.

They dont go back to watching the movie. Instead Zayn kisses Liam until he figures his own
mouth tastes like cinnamon, too, and until Liam is breathless and gasping into his mouth, eyes
squeezed closed. Zayns are still resolutely open, and when Liam pulls back and blinks at him he
asks why.

Because I want to memorize all of you, Zayn admits, running his fingers over Liams adorably
bushy eyebrows. I dont want to miss anything.

Youre soft, Liam informs him, a teasing grin on his face that conflicts with the wetness in his
eyes. Just like you act like youre not a dork, you act like you dont give a shit about anything,
too, but you do.

Zayn pulls him back in for another kiss. I do, he admits. But thats a secret, just for you.

Liam huffs out an amused breath against his lips. You cheesy fuck.

Liam, Zayn scolds. Listen to your potty mouth. Ive corrupted you.

Id like for you to, Liam says honestly, pulling back so Zayn can see that hes serious.

Zayn kisses him back. Okay.

--

Its so painfully awkward. Harry is staring at Liam, and Louis isnt talking, and Liams eyes
narrow as he takes this in. To an outsider he figures that nothing looks off about this picture at all.
Except Zayn isnt an outsider, and he knows that Louis and Harry are both reacting not just to the
knowledge that Liam is sick, but that its actually sort of noticeable if you know what youre
looking for. Liam could look like a normal, healthy teenage boy, except Zayns used to him being
bigger, and hes used to more colour in his cheeks and a more genuine smile.

You told them, Liam states, giving Zayn a look that isnt really anything but flat.

He told me, Louis cuts in. I told Harry because Ive got a gigantic mouth. Im sorry.

Liam sighs and says, I should just go.

No! Louis says loudly. No. You know what? Fuck this. We are not going to be weird about
this. Liam, have you ever had a threesome?

Zayn groans because, really? Um, no, Liam says, frowning at him.

Louis slings an arm around Liams shoulder and starts guiding him inside the cinema. Good,
because Harold and myself have been looking for a third, but Zayn refuses because hes, like,
committed to you or some shit. Who knows, hes so boring.

Zayn sort of wants to cry again, but hes in public so hes not going to do that. Its just that Louis
is sometimes a wonderful person, and Liam is snorting his dorky laugh and grinning brightly, and
its normal again already.

Hes great, isnt he? Harry asks.

Zayn grins at where Louis and Liam are paying for their tickets, Liam shaking his head at
something Louis is saying before he bursts into a laugh that Zayn can hear from across the room.
Yeah, he really is.

At the end of the movie they stay sitting, even though Louis and Harry are both already getting
up. What are you doing? Louis asks.

Zayn and Liam stare resolutely at the screen. Iron Man, Liam offers.

Iron-- what?

Shut up, Zayn hisses as they wait for the trailer to start.

You would definitely be Tony Stark, Liam tells him as they wait for the trailer to start up. If
you were any superhero, that is.

Zayn wonders if he should be offended by this, but then decides that hes not. Tony is a badass,
and hes hilarious. Plus, the super suit is fucking cool. What about you?

Batman, Liam says, obviously. Or Captain America.

I can see that, Zayn says, nodding. I can definitely see that.

You two are fucking weird, Louis says fondly. Well meet you out front. Try not to come in
your pants when it starts.

Zayn flips him off before grabbing Liams hand. A moment later the trailer starts up and Liam
squeezes his hand. When its over they both just sit there in stunned silence before Zayn says,
Fuck. We have to go see that the night it comes out.

Definitely, Liam says, but it sounds weird. When he looks over Liam has dropped his gaze to
his hands, and then it clicks in Zayns head that Liam might not be able to.

Definitely, Zayn repeats with more conviction. We will.

Liam smiles at him but its not sunny. Its a little sad and a little sympathetic, like he feels bad for
all of this, and he pities Zayn. Zayn hates pity, so he kisses Liam until that look is wiped from his
face.

--

The next weekend Liam spends in the hospital. He tells Zayn not to visit him, and Zayn only
agrees because Liam makes him promise. Theyre just running tests, apparently. The only reason
he has to stay overnight is because hell likely be too tired afterwards to get home, and they want
to monitor him.
to monitor him.

And Zayn is sort of a nervous fucking wreck the whole weekend, because everything in his life
could be flipped upside down in a matter of days. Either Liams getting better or he isnt, and hes
going to find out on Monday.

Louis spends most of the day with him on Saturday, and then on Sunday hes with Harry, too, and
Niall, which isnt really weird at all to Zayn, even though they havent spoken all that much. Niall,
at least, seems to be in the same boat as Zayn. Hes distracted and he looks just as worried, and
every time his phone rings he sighs when its not Liam calling early with news.

Hes attempting to do homework on Monday when someone puts a hand on his arm and slides it
down his chest, and then a pair of lips are on his neck. Zayn startles and drops his pen, whirling
around immediately. Liam is grinning down at him, and its so bright it literally warms the cold
inside Zayn that had seemed permanent since that day when Liam kicked him out of his house.

Its working, then, Zayn says, eyes wide. Youre getting better, right?

Liam keeps grinning and pulls him up into a kiss. He lifts Zayn right off his feet in a way that
should make him a bit annoyed (hes not that light, okay, he is large and strong and manly -- but
Liam is a lot larger, a lot stronger, and equally manly) but doesnt really.

I love you, Liam mutters into the kiss, dropping Zayn on the bed. He crawls on top of him
instantly, kissing Zayn even harder. I love you. Another kiss. So much. Another. I didnt
even think it was possible for this to-- to be something that I could ever have. His hands tug at
Zayns hair. Youre the greatest thing thats ever happened to me, I just-- just know that, okay?

Zayn pushes on his shoulders and frowns up at him. Why are you crying? he asks. I thought--
,

Im just really, really happy, Liam promises, kissing him again. Then, much quieter, he adds,
So happy.

Zayn returns his blinding grin and kisses Liam back until he cant help but pull away and ask,
Can we celebrate?

Liam chuckles and swipes a piece of Zayns hair from where its fallen into his eyes. We can do
anything you want to do.

Anything, Zayn repeats. You should really watch what you say, Batman boy. Anything leaves
a lot up to the imagination.

I thought your thing was angst ridden teenager, not hormonal teenager, Liam teases.

Zayn rolls his hips up and says, eyes heavily lidded, Baby, I can be both.

Youre so weird, Liam groans, sitting up.

Zayn keeps grinning. You love it.

Liam shakes his head but doesnt deny it.

--
He calls Louis and Harry and invites Niall, too, and borrows his mums car. The five of them go
Go Karting. It was the best thing Zayn could think of, since Louis had suggested laser tag, but
Zayn had shot that down because Liam still looks tired and worn out, and he doesnt want to push
him too far.

Its fun. Zayn is blindingly happy, he can barely even think through it. Louis teases him
mercilessly, Harry looks genuinely happy for them, and Niall just seems a little above the whole
thing, or unattached. He cant quite describe it, but he finds Liam and Niall separated from the
group at one point, arguing with each other. He goes to eavesdrop but Louis grabs his arm and
tugs him away before he can, and by the time he gets back theyre not talking anymore.

After that things just get easier. Liam still has chemo for another two weeks, and Zayn picks
him up afterwards every time (his mum has almost completely relinquished her car keys to him,
though its not like she ever really uses it anyways) and then they go back to Liams, where Liam
will lay in bed and complain and Zayn will pet his hair and make him laugh and rewatch every
one of their favourite movies.

And then its so normal. They date and sneak out later then theyre allowed. They makeout
everywhere they can -- like their beds and couches and in Zayns mums car and at the back of the
movie theatre and at the park bench and, really, anywhere that Liam will let him--, when theyre in
public either Zayn refuses to release Liams hand, or Liam refuses to release his. They are like
every obnoxious teenage couple, but Zayn thinks theyre more than that. Theres something
different there, and even Louis comments on it all the time, laughing at how ridiculously infatuated
with each other he and Liam are. Liam flushes but Zayn grins proudly because, yeah, hes in love
with Liam. Whats wrong with that?

It isnt until weeks later that Zayn realizes there actually is something wrong with that. Or, more
accurately, something wrong with Liam. He should be getting better, thats what he said. But one
day when theyre in bed Zayn pushes up his shirt, and Liam is just as thin as he was before, if not
even more so. He should be putting weight back on, but hes not. And now that Zayn notices that,
he notices everything.

Like the fact that Liam never lets his mum talk to them for more than a few quick seconds. The
fact that he and Niall argue in secret almost every time the three of them are together. Like the fact
that there are still bags under his eyes and his clothes still hang off him and he still doesnt ever
agree to going out for dinner, nor does he eat in front of Zayn, really.

It isnt until he gets a call at about ten at night from Niall that he really admits to himself what hes
been trying to deny. Hes at the hospital, Niall tells him. I think you should let him explain.

Zayn stares at the wall above his bed, swallowing thickly and trying to breathe. He lied, didnt
he? Zayn asks softly.

Yeah, Niall agrees before he hangs up.

Zayn closes his eyes for a moment before getting out of bed. He doesnt change out of his
pyjamas but he does grab a sweater, and then he heads downstairs. His mum is still up, and he
quietly asks her to drive him to the hospital.

What happened? she asks, alarmed.

Zayn shrugs and shakes his head. I dont really know.

She ruffles his hair as she gets her keys. Zayn cant even remember if she said anything else on the
whole drive. All he can remembers is the words he lied, he lied, he lied, echoing in his mind.
When they get there his mum asks if he wants her to come in with him. He says no, and he walks
through the doors with his head ducked because he remembers when he left, hed promised
himself that he wouldnt ever come back in here unless he was being dragged, or someone he
loved was dying. He really, really wishes someone were dragging him.

He has to ask the receptionist where to go, and she sends him to the second floor. He finds Liams
parents in the waiting room, and his mum stands up when he gets there. She hugs him and then
pulls back and says, Niall called you, didnt he?

Zayn nods. Can I go see him, or?

Of course, she says quickly. Were just waiting for the doctor, but-- yes, I think it would be
good if youd go see him.

Zayn nods again and heads for the door, but he turns at the last second. He told me he was
getting better.

Liams mum smiles sadly. I figured he would. He tries to be strong for everyone, Liam. But I
always ask him who gets to be strong for him.

Zayn doesnt know what to say to that, so instead he just heads for Liams door and pushes it
open without knocking. Liam looks up and then closes his eyes and, for good measure, covers
them with his arm. You shouldnt be here, Liam tells him. Who called you?

Niall, Zayn says.

He moves towards the visitors chair and sinks into it, feeling suddenly so wrong. Thats Liams
spot. He should be the one in bed, and Liam should be in the visitors chair, and Liam shouldnt
look so thin under the stupidly scratchy hospital blankets, and he shouldnt have a machine
hooked up to his left arm, and none of this should be happening.

Im sorry, Liam tells him, dropping his arm. Im sorry I lied.

So am I, Zayn says. Im sorry that you -- felt the need to keep this from me. To try and make
things better for me, when I should have been trying to make them better for you.

Theres nothing you could have done, Liam tells him fiercely. And I had to, okay? I had to lie,
because if I didnt these last two months would have been spent with you freaking out and
worrying, and instead we got to enjoy ourselves.

We still can, Zayn says firmly.

Liam laughs bitterly and shakes his head. No, we cant. He tries to grin but its so weak that it
breaks Zayns heart. You dont get it, but this is it, Zayn. This is what its going to be like from
now on. Theyll keep me I here to monitor me, and theyll do their tests, and theyll try their
medicines until-- until--, he waves a hand.

Until what? Zayn demands.

Liam stops pretending to smile. Im not getting better, Zayn, you get that, right? Im not getting
better, and this is it.

Liam--,

This is all I can offer you anymore, and Im sorry that-- that its not what you deserve, but-- this
is as best as were going to get from here on out, so if you want to walk away, Id like for you to
do it now, Liam says quietly.

He is telling the truth. Hes not exaggerating it to try and push Zayn away, because Liam isnt like
that. Hes telling Zayn the honest truth; this is what they have left, and thats it.

If I was going to walk out I would have done it a long time ago, you dork, Zayn says shakily
while wiping tears out of his eyes. He tries to grin as best as he can. Christ, Liam, look what
youve done to me. Now Im crying and smiling. Youve broken me.

It was supposed to be a joke. He was joking, but Liam doesnt take it that way. I know, he says
softly. Im so sorry, Zayn.

Zayn shrugs and takes his hand. Im not.

--

He doesnt go home that night, but Liams parents do, Liams mum in tears while she hugs him
goodbye, his father trying to hide his own as best as he can but his eyes are still obviously red
rimmed. They just talk, mostly. Liam shares a story about his family at Christmas when his mum
burnt the turkey and his sisters both got the chicken pox. Zayn tells him about the time Louis
nearly got them arrested, which Liam laughs at though Zayn still has hard feelings about that
whole thing. At some point a nurse comes in to check on him and Zayn ducks into the bathroom
to avoid hearing what she says. Hed rather be oblivious. He doesnt want to know the details. All
he cares about is whether or not Liams going to be okay; the rest is unimportant.

Of course, his mum drags him home the next day for a shower and then he comes back and
spends the rest of the afternoon in Liams bed while they watch movies and talk more. He has to
go to school the next day, and he does so reluctantly. Its sort of hard to focus on class when
everything is Liam, and he knows its not healthy but he really doesnt care. School will always be
there; Liam might not.

Technically Liam is only allowed to have three visitors at once, but they sort of break that rule on
Friday when Louis, Harry, and Niall come to visit. But Zayn doesnt think its technically broken,
given the fact that Zayn doesnt count as a guest. He practically lives there with Liam, only
leaving when hes physically dragged out (and isnt that just ironic as fuck, he thinks).

Hey, babe, Louis says when he comes into the room. He eyes Liam slowly, and Zayn shifts
uncomfortably on Liams behalf until Louis says, Yeah, Id still go there, definitely.

Zayn rolls his eyes. Your obvious attraction to my boyfriend makes me really uncomfortable.

Same, Harry puts in while sitting on the edge of the bed. He falls back so hes spread out over
Liams legs, his head in Liams lap. Liam idly plays with his hair, and Zayns chest constricts
because he loves them both so much, and this isnt fair.

Whatever, Louis says, pulling him out of his dark thoughts. Im just saying, we could have an
orgy. Niall, youd be invited too.

Niall looks at him as he falls into the visitors chair. Ill pass, he says. Dick isnt really my
thing.

Dont knock it til you try it, Harry tells him.

Liam chuckles and Zayn laughs loudly to make up for it. You do realize how boring it is here,
right? Liam asks them all. You dont have to be here. He looks at Zayn. Except you. Youre
not allowed to leave.

Wouldnt want to anyways, Zayn says, head falling onto Liams shoulder.

Fucking PDA, Niall groans. Can we, like, not?

Zayn kisses Liam, sloppy and wet and lovely. Until he has to throw a pillow at Louis, who is
watching them with too much interest. Fuck off, perv, Zayn says.

I was just taking in your technique. Louis pushes his hair off his forehead. Far too much
tongue, Zayn. You want to kiss him, not suffocate him.

I want to suffocate you.

Good thing were in a hospital, then, Harry puts in. Zayn can attempt to murder Lou all he
wants and help is just a shout away.

You three are ridiculous, Niall comments.

Liam grins at him. They are, he agrees. Im sort of weirdly fond of them, though.

Aw, Louis coos. He jumps on the bed, right on top of Zayn, who groans and shifts, and then
theres far too many bodies on the bed because he and Liam just barely fit together. Harry, and
Louis gigantic ass, is just too much. Niall, get in on this. Come, we must group hug.

We must not, Niall says back.

Louis sticks his tongue out at him, and Zayn wishes he had a camera to capture this moment,
because its all sort of perfect. The way Louis and Harrys legs have twined together. The way
Liams tilted towards him, and his arm around Liams shoulder. Louis head on Harrys chest,
Harrys head on Liams lap. Nialls reluctantly amused expression, like he has no idea how the
fuck he got into this, but hes not really looking for a way out anyways. Perfect.

And of course Louis has to ruin it. So do you two, like, fuck in the hospital bed? Is that allowed?
Does the nurse comment on the jizz stains when she cleans out the room?

Get out, Zayn groans.

That is a completely appropriate question! Louis defends.

Thats how most of the visit goes, really. Louis is inappropriate, but Zayn sort of loves him for it
anyways because both Harry and Niall sort of accidentally treat Liam in a way that is far too
gentle, and he can see the way it bothers Liam, sees it in the tightness of his mouth when he thinks
no one is looking. But Louis-- Louis is like a fucking wrecking ball. He doesnt filter his
thoughts, and Liam is not an exception to this.

Just before they go Liam asks them all to leave, except for Louis. Zayn frowns at him and he just
smiles in a pleading way.

Okay, Zayn says, getting out of bed. Louis looks just as confused as he feels, but Harry tugs
him out of the room before he can ask whats going on.

He looks bad, Harry says honestly when theyre out in the hall.
Niall sighs and for the first time Zayn notes how exhausted he looks. He has a feeling that he and
Niall look about the same right now. Its only going to get worse, he says quietly. It did last
time.

Zayn leans against the wall and ducks his head so his hair (not in his quiff for several reasons,
mostly because he couldnt really be bothered to) falls into his eyes. Hes still the most beautiful
person Ive ever met, Zayn says honestly, because he is. Hes not saying it just to say it, or
because thats whats expected of him; Zayn doesnt think hell ever want anyone the way he
wants Liam, and hell take him any way that he can have him. Sick, not sick, he doesnt really
care.

Louis comes out of the room a few moments later, and his cheeks are wet. Harry makes an upset
sound and tries to put an arm around his waist, but Louis shoves him away and hugs Zayn instead.
I get it, you know, Louis says while Zayn pets his hair. I didnt before, but I get how he just
swept into your life and gave you no choice but to love him.

Zayn doesnt say anything because Louis already said it all.

Whatd you two talk about? Niall asks.

Louis pulls away and fixes his hair after drying his cheeks on Zayns shirt. He just asked me to
bring him something. He doesnt elaborate any farther.

Afterwards the three of them leave and Zayn heads back into Liams room. Zayn falls onto the
bed and Liam says, Do you like Marks Hulk or Edwards better? I didnt think Id like him in
the Avengers, but I actually thought he did a better job.

Zayn calls him a dork and kisses his neck.

--

He gets his University acceptance letters (he forgot about even applying, to be completely honest)
and it causes a big fight when Zayn brings up deferring for a year, but not with his parents. His
mum hadnt been pleased, but shed accepted it eventually, and his father doesnt really comment.
But theyre not the ones telling him not to. No, that is all Liam.

No, Liam says when Zayn brings it up. Zayn, dont you even think about it.

Already thought about it, Zayn says with a shrug. University will still be there next year.
People take a year off all the time to go abroad and shit. Why cant I?

Because youre not doing it for you! Liam snaps. He looks better today, and it gives Zayn false
hope. His cheeks have a bit more colour, and hes not even in bed right now because hes too
busy standing up to pace angrily around the room. If you were doing this because its something
you wanted for yourself, Id be on board. But youre doing this for me, and I wont let you.

You dont really get a say in what I do, Liam, Zayn reminds him.

Hes so over this whole conversation. Hes laying on the bed because, unlike Liam, he doesnt
feel restlessly angry. He just feels tired.

If you dont go, Liam starts, and Zayn raises his eyebrows as if to ask him, Really, Liam, what
are you going to do to stop me? Liam answers it with, Ill make sure youre not allowed to visit
me. Ill tell the nurses I dont want to see you, and security will make sure you cant come in
here.

Zayn sits up now, mouth agape. No way.

You think I wont? Liam challenges.

No, Zayn is fairly fucking sure that he will, actually, because Liam is hard headed. Thats not
fair! Zayn snaps at him. I just want to spend as much time with you as I can. This time next year
you might not even be here!

Exactly, Liam grinds out. Exactly, Zayn! You have to accept this! And your whole fucking life
cant revolve around me. I wont let you do that to yourself. I wont watch you do that to
yourself.

So youll just push me away completely?

If thats what I have to do, Liam says quietly, eyes narrowed. I dont want to. You know I
dont. But I will.

You just want me to-- you want me to go to school while you sit here and-- and--,

And die, Zayn, Liam supplies. You havent said it once. Avoiding it isnt going to make it any
less true.

Youre not going to die, Zayn spits. So stop fucking acting like its set in stone, Liam.

It might as well be, Liam tells him, sinking onto the edge of the bed. Ive come to terms with it.
I did a long time ago. I need you to, because I cant sit here while you lie to yourself about it.

Im not having this argument with you, Zayn says with an air of finality.

I want you to go to school, Liam argues, not letting it go.

Zayn sighs and closes his eyes. Why does it matter so much?

Because it does, Liam says, back to him. Just-- Zayn, please. He drops the angry tone. Just
do it for me, please. I swear I wont ask you for anything else. Just promise me youll go.

Zayn sits up and moves so hes behind Liam, legs around Liams waist. Okay, he agrees,
kissing the back of Liams neck. On one condition.

Anything, Liam says instantly.

Promise me youll be okay, Zayn says quietly.

Liam tenses. Ive told you before, and Ill say it again: Im not making promises I cant keep.

So keep it.

Zayn--,

Promise and Ill promise to go to school.

You know I cant--,

Promise me, Liam, Zayn says against his skin. Promise me. Promise me, okay, because I need
you to promise.

Hes fairly sure that Liam can feel his tears on the back of his neck. And when did Zayn become
such a fucking child, crying at the drop of a hat? Hes positive that he has cried more in the past
couple months than he has in the past ten years combined.

Okay, Liam says after a moment. I promise.

Thank you, Zayn murmurs, arms going around Liams waist. One more thing.

Liam sighs. You said only one condition.

I lied, Zayn says easily. I want another promise.

What, do you want me to promise to end world hunger? Or maybe to assure world peace?

No, I want you to promise that well go to Iron Man 3 on the night it comes out. First showing at
the cinema. I dont care if we have to wait outside for, like, hours.

Liam chuckles but it sounds like a sob. I promise.

Good, Zayn says. Now can we cuddle?

You have a cuddling addiction, Liam notes.

I do not.

You do. Zayn Malik: giant softy. Theres not a hardcore bone in your body.

Really. Zayn pushes himself against Liams back. Are you sure about that? Because that bone
feels pretty--,

Dont go there, Liam begs. God, and I thought I was weird.

--

By the time summer comes around, Liam really isnt getting better. Before he could get out of bed,
and he was fine to walk around and it was almost possible to just pretend that he wasnt sick. That
he was just a bit thin and pale. But now he cant get around without a wheelchair most days, and
spends them all sleeping most of the time.

Zayn leaves one day and comes back later to find Liam hooked up to several machines. He
remembers when he thought Liam was a robot because he was just too perfect, and now he really
looks like it. Theres more tubes and machinery than there is Liam, and it scares him because this
is really happening. Theres no denying it anymore. He isnt just not getting better; hes getting
worse.

Louis comes by almost every day by this point, and on Thursday he brings Harry, a video camera,
and CDs for Liam. He pops one of he CDs in the DVD player and lets the music fill the room.
Zayn is jumping for the remote when The Frays How to Save a Life comes on, but Liam holds it
firmly away from him.
I like this song, he says. Zayn wants to snap the CD into pieces.

Ooh, look, Louis says, pointing the camera at him. Harry rolls his eyes and adjusts it for him.
Our first domestic argument caught on tape. Watch as the Zayn attempts to wrangle the remote
from his lovers tight grip. But ah, the Liam is not to be underestimated as his arms are inhumanely
long. Zayns tyrannosaurus-rex arms are no match for Liams freakish orangutang arms.

Turn that thing off, Louis, Zayn hisses, dropping his arm to glare at Louis through the camera
that he has held up to his eye.

No, Louis says defiantly. Liam asked me to, so Im doing this.

Zayn turns to him, mouth open. You asked him to do this?

Yes. Liam looks defiant, too, and Zayn thinks that he needs to stop spending time with Louis;
he really is a bad influence.

Why? Zayn asks.

Liam shrugs and Louis shrugs, and Zayn and Harry are left there to guess at what theyre both
obviously hiding. Okay, Harry says slowly. Louis, is this part of your kinky plan to get Liam
naked, because Im really not comfortable with this anymore.

That breaks the spell; Louis and Liam both laugh, while Zayn puts a possessive hand on Liams
thigh. Louis can get his own Liam; this one is Zayns.

The video camera becomes a permanent fixture. Its rarely on when Louis not in the room, but
its always there. Sometimes Liam pulls it over and makes Zayn turn it on for him (Louis and
Liam are both completely incapable of using it themselves, and Zayn and Harry are always having
to show them) so he can do nothing but video tape Zayn while hes trying to sketch, or even just
to put it on the bedside table, pointed at nothing while they watch Batman. He doesnt know why,
and he doesnt ask because every time that he did, Liam barely answered.

Its like almost every moment of their summer could be found on several tapes. And its going by
far too fast. Zayn doesnt want it to end because, when it does, hell be leaving. He promised
Liam hed go to school, and he plans on keeping that promise. Doesnt mean hes going far. The
school hed originally wanted to go to, before he met Liam, was seven hours away. The one hes
actually going to is a short hour and a half train ride from home, and he plans on taking it every
weekend as soon as his last class ends.

He doesnt want to go. He really, really doesnt want to go. He puts off packing until the last
minute. He spends barely any time in his room to do it anyways, only sleeps there when the nurses
kick him out and force him to go home (which most of them dont even bother to, because they all
love Liam and therefore they tolerate Zayn by association), and he hates it. The bed doesnt smell
like cinnamon at all anymore, and when he tries to sleep in it he spends the whole night tossing
and turning.

But he cant control anything anymore, or thats how it feels. The days come closer and closer
until hes got to leave.

Louis is driving him. His own school is three hours away, and hes having as many separation
issues as Zayn is. Harrys going to school an hour in the opposite direction, and the two of them
are as co-dependent as he is with Liam. Except Louis and Harry can leave every weekend with an
almost positive knowledge that the other will be there at the end of it. Zayn doesnt have that
luxury.
Theyre leaving extremely early in the morning, far before visiting hours start. Zayn doesnt care,
and no one stops him on his way to Liams room. Louis said his goodbye yesterday, and it was
tear filled and painful to witness, but this one is just for them.

Liam is awake when he gets there. His breathing is heavy and laboured even though Zayn knows
that he probably hasnt moved at all in hours. Thats just the norm lately.

Zayn doesnt even walk in all the way at first. Instead he stands there and takes Liam in, doing his
best to memorize every little detail. Takes in the sharpness of his cheekbones, and how defined
that incredible jaw looks now. He takes in the edges of Liams shoulders, bones obvious even
under the material of his far too loose t-shirt. Takes in the darkness under his eyes, like Zayn had
been sketching and then smudged his thumb underneath Liams eyes afterwards. Takes in the way
his lips are no longer a healthy pink but are instead almost as white as the rest of him.

But the eyes. The eyes never change. They are still wide and warm and the most impossibly
beautiful things hes ever seen. And theyre trained on his own, like Liams attempting to do the
same thing he is.

What are you doing? Liam asks. His voice is weak and brittle and it seems to crack and fall
heavily in the air.

Memorizing you, Zayn admits. I want to memorize you in case-- I just am.

Id rather you didnt, Liam says quietly. Dont see why youd want to.

Zayn goes to him, sinks onto the visitors chair. Several reasons, he says, grinning in a wobbly,
uncertain way. Mostly just cause youre hot as fuck, though.

Liam snorts feebly. Youre ridiculous.

Zayn shrugs. I can live with that.

How long do we have? Liam asks suddenly.

Zayn looks him over and thinks not very. But that isnt what Liam means. About ten minutes,
give or take, Zayn says quietly.

Liam nods. Okay, Liam says. Okay. Um. Were doing two more weeks of chemo, he tells
Zayn. If it doesnt work theyre, um, theyre going to to stop. Trying, I mean.

Zayn bites his tongue and feels his face contort as he tries not to react to that, because he promised
himself no tears. Okay.

You never know though, right? Liam says. Miracles, or some shit. It happens.

Yeah, Zayn says softly.

Liam looks pained, like hes trying as hard as Zayn is not to do this, but theres no way to avoid it.
I did try, you know. To keep my promise. I tried, Zayn, but Im tired.

I know, Zayn says, because he does. Hes tired, too. Ill be here this weekend, though.
Promise. Every weekend, no matter what.

I look forward to it.

Shit. Zayn wipes at his eyes pathetically. Shit, Liam, I just-- I cant. I cant do this. I cant--.,
he stands up. Im sorry, I really cant.

He heads for the door because thats what he does. Hes weak, always has been. But he cant
open it. Instead he leans against it, the cool wood soothing his too warm forehead. He tries to
breathe, tries to remember how. Hes itching for a cigarette but he cant have one inside, and its
not like he has the time to sneak outside to have one and then come back in. The clock is ticking
and Zayn is wasting time.

He turns around and Liam is just staring blankly at the wall. Hes not even crying, not really.
Theres no sobs and his body isnt moving. Tears are just falling from his eyes steadily like he
cant help it.

I love you, Zayn tells him, moving towards the bed again. He takes Liams hand -- the one
without the tube connected to it. So much, okay?

Promise you wont find some hot guy at University who, like, wears beanies and reads poetry
and spends all night at Starbucks?

Zayn chokes out a laugh. Promise.

And you better actually do your homework, Zayn, he says. I know you pretend to all the time
but you really just read comics.

I will.

And takes pictures for me, too. Bring them back on the weekend. I want to see your room, and
the library, and the campus.

I will.

And-- and promise me that youll be okay.

Zayn shakes his head and says, I wont make promises I cant keep.

Liam nods, like he accepts this, and then pulls him in for a kiss that is far too watery from their
tears. Zayn pulls back after a moment, licking his lips to chase the faint taste of cinnamon. I love
you, Liam says finally.

Zayn nods. This weekend. Ill-- this weekend. I need to go before Louis comes in here and drags
me out.

Liam grins at him, bright and sunny. Go live your life, Zayn, Liam tells him, and he knows that
he will because itll make Liam happy.

When he gets outside Louis is leaning against his car. He takes one look at Zayn and wraps him in
a hug that hurts, but he hugs back just as tightly. Louis knows him, knows him so well, so they
dont talk about it. They get in the car, Louis turns the music up loudly, and they just drive.

--

His roommate is an annoying little shit that thinks its okay to listen to Black Sabbath at two in the
morning, who leaves his clothes everywhere, and who leaves Starbucks cups littered around the
room. Zayn spends as much time out of the room as possible. He likes the library best, because its
huge and endless and quite, and it smells like books.

He gets the tattoo on Wednesday. He doesnt even think about it. Hes exploring the town, just
walking around, smoking, trying not to think, and he passes the tattoo shop before doubling back
and pushing open the door.

He gets it on his hip, a little lower than the heart that Liam confessed was his favourite tattoo that
Zayn had (which hasnt ever made sense to him, because it was the stupidest one he got, but Liam
is always very insistent about liking it). Its small and simple and cheap, and it barely took any
time to get it done.

What kind of sun? the guy had asked when Zayn walked up the counter.

Zayn shrugged. Whatever one shines the brightest.

The guy had frowned at him, but he works at a tattoo shop so hes obviously used to dealing with
weird as hell requests that he probably thinks are really stupid. He lets the guy have free reign with
it, though, and in the end he loves it. Its black on the outside, but the black fades closer to the
center until its a bright, sunny yellow. Zayn throws him an extra twenty for it just because.

He shows it to Liam as soon as he gets into the room, because its better to talk about anything
other than the fact that Liam is hooked up to more machines than he had been when hed left.

A sun? Liam asks, frowning at him. Why?

Zayn shrugs and falls onto the bed beside him, careful not to jostle anything. Because when you
smile its the brightest thing Ive ever seen, and the only thing that comes close to it is the sun.

Liam snorts and playfully shoves his arm. Soft, he says, not for the first time. Where do you
hide your poetry book, Malik?

Zayn grins at him and kisses him until hes breathless (though that doesnt take much at this point,
but he doesnt think about that).

--

The second week is harder, because he knows that on Thursday Liam will know whether or not
theyre going to stop trying to make him better. He spends the whole time restless. He snaps on his
roommate so often that their RA actually comes in and talks to them about possibly talking to the
person who takes care of rooming to switch them rooms.

On Tuesday the girl from his English class asks him out, and Zayn politely tells her that hes
already seeing someone. She says that she must be a lucky girl, and Zayn shakes his head at her
because its not true. Not because Liam is obviously not a girl, but because he is not lucky. Zayn
is the one with the luck. Zayn is the one who has him, and Zayn is the one whos going to be fine,
and Liam is not.

He doesnt sleep Wednesday night. He tries, fuck does he try. He just cant. He ends up sneaking
outside and sitting in the grass near a tree that blocks out most of the light from the stars and the
moon, and he goes through an entire pack of cigarettes, wondering why people say theyll kill you
when Zayn is clearly not dying. Not physically, at least.
Hes in class on Thursday when his phone vibrates in his pocket. He normally ignores it, because
its just Louis texting him and complaining. But its not Louis, its Niall, and hes not texting, hes
calling. Zayn leaves his stuff behind and ducks into the hallway to answer it.

Niall doesnt even bother with greetings. He just says, Go see him. He hangs up afterwards.
Zayn tries calling him back but he doesnt answer, and Zayn has a feeling he knows why. Hes
been waiting for this, and now its here. Its official: Liam will not get better, and hes go to accept
that.

Zayn doesnt want to spare the time to get his stuff from the room, but that textbook costs more
than his new tattoo, and he cant afford to lose his notes. A few people look at him as he grabs
them and literally runs from the room, but he doesnt care.

He gets to his dorm and throws his stuff on the bed before getting his extra money from where its
hidden between a comic book. He doesnt care that it costs him twenty quid to get a cab from the
dorms to the train station. It doesnt matter.

The ride takes so long, and Zayn is practically tugging his hair out as he watches the world pass
on by him. He cant sit still, and he wishes it were possible to run from his dorm to the hospital,
but that would take days, so hes sadly got to sit still and just wait.

Weirdly enough, his mum is waiting for him when he arrives. He figures Niall must have told
Liam he was coming, and Liam must have called her. She doesnt talk to him at all on the way to
the hospital, and Zayns glad because he cant form words anyways.

A nurse yells at him to stop running when he gets to the hospital, but the thing is he cant, because
this is it. This is what Liam was talking about. God only knows that every second he spends
walking instead of running is a second he could have spent with Liam.

When he gets to the room he wants to cry. He remembers when Liam was bigger than him. When
Liam could lift him up so easily, without any problem. Now Zayn thinks he could do the same to
him. In fact, Zayn knows that if Liam even tried to pick Zayn up, hed collapse. Or maybe hed
splinter into a hundred sharp pieces, because thats what he is. He is all sharp edges. He is not the
strong one here anymore, so Zayn is going to have to be.

Youre sweaty, Liam tells him, pulling his eyes away from the TV.

Zayn ignores him and climbs into the bed. Im not leaving at the end of the weekend, Zayn tells
him. Im not leaving until--,

Yes, you are, Liam says firmly. You are going to leave on Sunday, whether I have to pay
someone to drag you there or not.

Zayn resists the urge to grab Liam and shake him. No.

Yes.

No.

Zayn, Liam says softly. He shakes his head and grins that stupid smile at Zayn loves too much
for his own good. You know what my doctor said today?

Zayn shakes his head, no, and rubs absently at his cheeks. Crying isnt even embarrassing at this
point. Its just the norm. No, he says, voice cracked.
Liam is still grinning. He said--, Liam has to pause to take a breath. He said that, if things
continue on the way theyre going, Ill be on my feet just in time to take you to that stupid movie.

Zayn freezes for a moment before shaking his head again, this time much more quickly, so fast his
head spins. Youre--,

Getting better, apparently, Liam says. He says Im responding to treatment again, and that as
long as nothing goes wrong, I can beat this.

Dont fuck with me, Liam, Zayn says fiercely. Not this time. Dont lie to me for my own
good.

Liam laughs and pulls him closer. Im not, he says, lips almost against Zayns. I promise.

Two years later

Seriously? Zayn asks, raising his eyebrows. Iron Man 3 again?

It was so good, Liam whines. Come on.

No, Zayn says flatly. We watched that one last weekend.

Liam groans and says, Fine. Fine! He pulls out a burnt disc and frowns at it. Whats this?

Zayn shrugs. I dont know, actually. Louis gave it to me.

Dont say his name, Liam orders. Do you know what he did this week? He drew an extremely
detailed replica of Harrys cock on the wall of our room. Veins and all.

Zayn snorts a laugh. Youre the one who wanted to room with him. See, Im smart. I requested a
single because roommates are bullshit.

I like Louis, Liam argues. Just not in excess, apparently. And not while hes drawing genitals
all over our living space.

Zayn grins at him fondly. Just put the disc in. I havent watched it because Im afraid its their sex
tape, but if it is at least you have to suffer with me.

Liam gives him an exasperated look, but he obeys, sliding the disc into the player. Afterwards he
crawls into bed beside Zayn, arms around his shoulder. Its a heavy weight because Liam works
out all the fucking time (hes giving Zayn a complex with his abs, he really is), but he doesnt care
because Liam smells like cinnamon and feels like home.

The video starts playing Liam freezes, eyes wide. I know what this is, he says, getting up. Im
turning it off.

No, dont, Zayn says quickly, tugging him back down. He can see Liam on screen, and he
recognizes the room. What is this?

Liam pulls a pillow over his face and says, Come on, Zayn, turn it off. Its embarrassing. You
werent supposed to see this.

Zayn laughs. Well Ive got to watch it now.

Wait, I dont think its on yet, Louis says, and suddenly his face fills up the whole screen. Shit,
Harry usually turns it on. I dont know how to-- oh, its recording.

Youre an idiot, Liam mutters fondly.

The camera suddenly moves, and it focuses on Liam. Hes in his hospital bed, obviously, and he
looks drained but happy. He tries to push the camera away when Louis zooms in on his face, but
Louis just moves around him so he cant stop.

So, Liam, Louis says in a low, dramatic voice, you said you wanted to leave a message for
Zayn, which, by the way, will be completely unnecessary, because I cling to people and refuse to
let them go, and youre not allowed to leave me. But, since youre sick and also really pushy, Ive
decided to humour you. Go on, what do you want to say to your dorky as hell boyfriend?

Liam looks uncomfortable and he rolls his eyes at the camera -- or, more accurately, Louis on the
other side of the camera-- before saying, Im not doing this with you. Youre ridiculous and its
embarrassing.

Rude, Louis scoffs. I am not ridiculous. Youre ridiculous.

Just give me the camera and get out for a minute, would you?

Louis sighs. Fine, fine, he says. More camera jostling, and then the camera focuses on Louis
ass.

Harry, Liam says, I know youre going to be editing this later for me, so theres a present for
you. Liam chuckles to himself because Liam is adorably weird. Then the camera is moved again
until it must be laying on the bed, pointed at Liams face. From this angle he looks more sickly
than he had, and his skin is so pale its almost translucent.

Right, Liam says, nodding at the camera. I feel really, really stupid, but I guess thats not
really the point, because this isnt for me. Its for you. You meaning Zayn, obviously, though I
know that you arent the only one whos probably going to see this. Harry will definitely see it,
and Louis a sneaky little shit, so hell probably see it, too.

Liam pauses and gets himself a drink -- he always drank a lot when he was in the hospital, Zayn
thought. He claimed his tongue got dry from the medicine, and all the hospial provided was
bottled water. Now Liam doesnt even like to look at a water bottle, and he drinks it out of cups
and refuses to take a bottle whenever someone tries to get him one-- before putting the water bottle
down.

This isnt an actual goodbye, Liam says quietly. I mean, I might not be going anywhere,
right? Thats what you always say to me. But this is a just in case kind of goodbye, you know?
Because you always say that Im the strong one, but Im sort of a coward, and I cant say this to
you face to face; not yet, at least. But I promise that if this all ends okay, Ill tell you it all
eventually. Just not today. Or anytime soon. This way its persevered in case I dont have the time
to work up to it. In case-- well, you know.

Liam sucks in a breath and grins at the screen. I dont really know where to start here, he
admits. Maybe at the beginning or-- no, actually. The other day my mum came to visit. And we
were talking but-- I dont know, I felt like crying, but I had to try really hard not to because I know
it upsets her. And Im always doing that, you know? I dont want any of you to be upset. And she
brings this up all the time, and she says, Youre always being strong for me. and I cant deny it
because its true. And then she says, I used to wonder who was going to be strong for you. I
used to worry about that. But I dont really have to anymore. He smiles wobbly. And shes
right, because I have you. Youre always strong for me, even though I wish you wouldnt do that
because Id rather be there for you, but you never let me. Were a team of martyrs, arent we?

Zayn stares raptly at the screen, taking it all in. Taking in the way that Liam had looked then,
because he hasnt looked like that in a long time. Hasnt been that thin or pale or sick.

I guess I just want you to know that-- that youre the brightest person I ever met, he says. I
knew it immediately. You were scowling angrily and kicking a vending machine with your good
foot, the one that wasnt bandaged up, and you were swearing under your breath because youve
got a foul mouth, Zayn, always have. And finally the machine gave you your snack, because you
always get your way, dont you? Youre so pushy and demanding. He chuckles. But that was
it for me, from that moment on you were it. Have been ever since. Even if none of his happened --
if things had been different, you still would be. I dont think Id of ever met someone who I wanted
as much as I wanted -- still want, you.

Dont cry, Liam says suddenly, making Zayn miss a few words on screen.

Im sorry, Zayn says quickly. Can we just-- can we finish watching this?

Liam is quiet for a moment, but eventually he nods.

--Batman, I was a goner. Here I was, thinking you were this cool, untouchable person, and then
I learn that youre actually the biggest dork Ive ever met. You knew all the words, too, and you
didnt care when I talked along with the dialogue, probably because you were doing it, too. He
rubs at his eyes. Im not very good with words, obviously. You are, though. Smooth talker.
Mostly just cause youre hot as fuck, though. Did that actually work for you before? Did other
people actually fall for that, or was it just me? I hope it was just me, actually, though I doubt it.

Louis is knocking at the door, Liam says. He rolls his eyes. Give me another minute, Im
almost done!

You better not be masturbating on camera for him, Liam, I swear to --,

Anyways, Liam says, ignoring him. I should hurry up. Im not really saying anything
important, anyways. Just-- I love you, you know? Like, I really, really do. And I didnt ever think
Id get a chance at that. At this. But I did, and I just-- I promise, okay? He whispers this part. I
promise that you wont ever have to see this, or that Ill be beside you when you do. I shouldnt,
because I know I cant keep it, but I promise anyways.

He grabs the camera then, and then turns it around and, after a few moments of fumbling, he
manages to turn it off.

His dorm room is painfully silent except for their breathing. Liam is staring blankly at the screen,
cheeks flushed, and Zayns head feels clogged and foggy.

I kept it, Liam says suddenly. The promise. All of them.

Yeah, Zayn says thickly. Yeah you did.

Zayn tugs him closer, covering the bright, happy smile on Liams face with his own.
End Notes

So, yeah, I sort of rushed through this on a high of sad feelings over AVPSY. Hopefully it
wasn't the worst thing ever, but, you know. Yeah. Thank you for reading, anyways! <3 --
C

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