Joe Galvn Part One

Etiquette Self-Care
For my Mom, Kellye McBride, Jonny
Shewell, Andrew Shaw-Kitch, Nik
Nerburn, Cameron Davis, and everyone
who taught me good manners.

Grateful appreciation goes to Haji

Quinn, AJ Caldeira, Nate Smith, Terian
Ko c s i k a n d eve r yo n e e l s e w h o
generously gave me advice and ideas
for this issue.
 Table of Contents

Foreword ........................................................................................................ 7
Why Etiquette Matters.................................................................................4
Self-care: an introduction ..............................................................................8
Everyday Self-Care.......................................................................................9
The Morning Routine..................................................................................10
After your shower or bath ...........................................................................12
Self-care for people who menstruate ...........................................................16
Caring for your skin, hair, & nails ..............................................................18
The Evening Routine ...................................................................................21
Caring for your teeth ...................................................................................23
Going to bed .................................................................................................23
Sleeping with smartphones, tablets, computers & other devices ................24
Mindfulness before bed ................................................................................25
A man's bag .................................................................................................26
A lady's purse or bag ....................................................................................27
Cologne & perfume ......................................................................................29
Handwashing and hand sanitizer ..............................................................29
How to take care of yourself when you're sick ............................................30
Caring for your mind, body & soul.............................................................. 32
How to find and keep good friends...............................................................37
How to be a good person ..............................................................................39
Foreword
This zine is written for people who are confused and bewildered by
etiquette. The vast majority of etiquette texts are primarily written for
individuals who are attempting to scale a ladder built on white, heterosexual,
cisgendered, thin, male privilege, a ladder whose very rungs are privilege itself,
only accessible to those people who can be deemed suitable to ascend it. This
is not one of those texts.
Etiquette, at least etiquette in the United States, has been greatly
aected by the work ethic of the Protestant Reformation, the English
Reformation, the American Revolution the Industrial Revolution, the Civil
War and the Victorian Age. It is also aected by colonialism, slavery,
imperialism, religious and social intolerance, and classism. What we have
inherited as the language of etiquette is a highly individualized form of
manners, filtered through late 20th century capitalism and the political and
social aftermath of two world wars. What remains of the highly formalized,
ritualized etiquette of our great-grandparents is mainly just a set of rigid rules
about clothing, eating and social interaction. Etiquette, of course, is more than
just that: it is a way of behaving and believing, of basically seeing people and
objects as full of sacred, inherent value, of regarding them with more than just
a basic nod of respect. It's more than just saying 'excuse me' when we are on an
overcrowded bus that we wish to hastily exit, it's a full-hearted self-awareness
that asks for forgiveness when we intrude upon the personal lives of others.
Etiquette is the medium through which we seek to make peace with the world
around us.
The challenges of our current century require us to reappraise the fuller
meaning of etiquette and its impact on our everyday lives. We need to pose
several questions. In order to do this, we need to ask ourselves why we need
etiquette in the first place. The second question is what sort of etiquette is
necessary in the 21st century (the answer is, of course, every single part of it).
The third question involves how to do it and do it properly.
The first question is essential because we live in an age in which we badly
need to learn the basics of etiquette. From the TV news to our comment
boards online, to our morning commute, to the interior living spaces we
inhabit with our intimate partners, we dreadfully lack the self-awareness and
sensitivity with which the word 'civility' is imbued. It seems, lamentably so,
that at times the very practice of civility is politicized out of its meaningful
application, used as a way of silencing people and groups we don't agree with.
Civility has no political party or aliation, but rather is the basis for a
democratic, active and socially engaged society. Seeing each other as equal, as
worthy of being listened to and engaged despite the contrary beliefs or
opinions we might have, is the first way we can learn the language of etiquette
and apply its principles to our everyday lives.
The second question deals with the extent of etiquette. No, it's not at all
necessary to learn how to dance the quadrille or how to properly eat an
artichoke anymore. What does matter is when to seek consent with an intimate
partner, when to silence your cell phone at a concert, and when to end a
relationship in a way that's sensitive and understanding. The social demands of
a fuller, more equal society require that we no longer see women as inferior to
men, nor should we see 'masculine' behavior totally bereft of artistic sensitivity,
understanding, and concern for other human beings, qualities that have been
traditionally associated with the feminine. Etiquette teaches us how to be
kinder and more involved with the people and things around us, so therefore
every part of its application is necessary to learn. Some people might need it
more than others, but everyone, from the customer service desk person at the
grocery store to a senator on Capitol Hill, all have opportunities to use
etiquette to compassionately regard the people with whom they work.
Etiquette, however, isn't just for everyone else. It's also for us. Free from its
capitalistic underpinnings, we can see etiquette as a way to give ourselves the
ease of being alive in a culture without actively embarrassing ourselves or other
people. About 80 or so years ago, it was considered grossly impolite to enquire
about how much money a person made; now it's a fairly commonplace thing,
even in polite society, to ask where their money is going, how it's made, or
what sort of things it buys. With the technological advances of the last 50
years, we have also enabled a class of people to construct barriers based on
technological skill and auence, with little to no regard for the rights and
feelings of other people. And inasmuch as this new class of people likes to
display its ill-gotten wealth, it lacks the sensitivity and kindness for which its
antecedents were well-known. The vulgarity and mendacity of these people,
sadly, have obscured the notion of how an enlightened and technologically
advanced society exists in the world. This is why we need to extend our
etiquette beyond ourselves to our communities, our art, and our culture.
Etiquette is how we do this. It's not so much an art-form as it is a deeply
personal way of seeing things and people, of how they exist in their particular
spaces, a way of living one's life as opposed to a lifestyle. And the best thing
about this way of living is that it requires very little external change
whatsoever. At the very least it involves a few changes to vocabulary, maybe a
few gestural changes. But most of it is based on a deeper, more sensitive
understanding of how people live their lives. From a personal level, it involves
putting the self asidesomething that is already dicult for most Americans
under the yoke of capitalism and a vigorous free-market economy. The new
etiquette that this zine teaches disregards the pretense and formalism of Euro-
American etiquette, which has been informed by and invigorated with the
capitalist spirit. This form of etiquette sees, perhaps for the very first time, the
value of the community at large rather than the immediate person and family.
Most of the people who will read this zine do not have spouses, children or
extended families. It will not be too terribly important for them to learn the
etiquette of the grand black-tie dinners that were so widely written about 80 or
90 years ago. I did not want to write yet another text on wedding etiquette,
floral arranging, engraved invitations, or receiving lines. What follows here is a
basic primer in good behavior.
I am grateful, as always, for the input and advice of my good friends and
family who have been so kind as to suggest topics for inclusion in this first
volume. To them and to you, the reader, is this zine dedicated: may you learn
the joys that good manners can bring you, and may it make you a better, and
happier person.

Portland, Oregon
12 March 2016
Self- C ar e

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3
Why Etiquette Matters
Etiquette is the art of selflessness. It arises from a simple desire to show
the world your best self. This best self is actually a complex combination of traits
and habits that not only please you but other people, habits that were
introduced at a fairly young age by good parenting skills (e.g., saying please
and thank you), a good education (table manners, handwriting, speaking skills,
leadership, civics) and good opportunities for social interactions (church and
civic memberships, clubs, &c). One part of our best self that most people
overlook is the influence of larger cultural influences, such as the sciences, the
arts and the humanities. These things can flavor our own experiences in such a
way that our best self is truly a reflection of the best qualities of our culture and
society, as well.
When we think of good manners today we usually think of the times and
opportunities where we would not want to create or sustain awkward
situations for other people (leaving a chair half pulled out at work or at home,
or not assisting an elderly or disabled person into a building, for example). We
do this primarily because we dont want to negatively aect our fragile mental
state or aggravate feelings of guilt or shame. This type of manners only works
one wayit only serves us. We need to be more attentive and aware of the
rights and feelings of others if we truly want to practice an etiquette that is
selfless.
So what does this new way of thinking about good manners look like?
Well, for starters, it means looking at bodies and minds in dierent ways. The
basic elements of etiquette are respect and consent. We respect our bodies, our
minds, and the bodies and minds of other people because we believe them to
be endowed with an especial grace that sets them apart from other forms of
life on Earth, because human life is sacred and inviolable, and because the
collective survival of our species relies on an inherent respect for one another.

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We ask for consent when we want to share ourselves with other people, because
we value the rights and feelings of those other people, and because we would
not in any wish to violate those very same rights and feelings, nor would we
wish to damage or destroy the relationships that we have worked so hard to
forge with them.
Having just good manners is very dierent from this new way of
respecting other people and obtaining consent from them. Its very similar to
an old way of dierentiating between good manners and proper
etiquettegood manners just focuses on the selfish ability to avoid
embarrassment or disgrace, while proper etiquette recognizes the carefully
prescribed social mores and boundaries that accompanied the polite society of
the past. More carefully put, good manners would be like wearing a pair of
Crocs to a fancy dinner party, whereas etiquette, regardless of its propriety,
would be akin to wearing your best dress shoes, as well as whatever else is
suitable for that same fancy dinner party.
During the upheaval and massive social change that accompanied much
of the last 50 years of world history, much of what was conceived of as old-
fashioned was done away with in a hasty rush toward modernity. After the
1960s, it became vogue to declaim to other people (particularly among socially
prominent people) that ones lifestyle and habits were particular to their own
definition of culture; the idea behind this is called cultural relativism. Cultural
relativism is great because it allows us to finally be who we think we are, but it
also creates a highly tense and politically-charged environment when we
socialize with other people. This environment, which is already fueled with the
anxieties of what people will say or think about us before even knowing who
we are makes propagating good etiquette one of the most controversial and
demanding social acts that we can perform. It makes etiquette feel stodgy and
inflexible, which is what etiquette was never meant to be. And because
etiquette was a sort of shibboleth for determining who belonged to the highly

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stratified class-based society that was so dominant among white Western
culture for so long, it feels as if its an extra stretch to be polite, because we
dont want to collectively recall a past tinged with an etiquette that literally sat
beside imperialism, colonialism, racism and even genocide. Cultural relativism
has made our eorts to be a more equal society realizable, but at the same time
it has reduced our ability to have a conversation about what etiquette can
really do for us as a whole.
In American society, we often hear (primarily among politicians) of a
great desire to return to civility. Civility is the barebones approach to
socializing with other human beings. It is the basic skills of etiquette, applied
broadly to our public interactions with one another. It involves listening
attentively to another person, particularly a person whom we dont like and
dont agree with, and being able to understand and respect that persons position.
It means obeying laws and rules regarding our behavior in all of our social
interactions with people, particularly in situations where peoples lives and
rights are at stake, for example, in a courtroom, or in a city council meeting. It
does not mean, and never will mean, having to be silent when we see injustices
committed on our behalf, or willfully silencing those who demand redress for
the injustice committed. Silencing a political opponent for the sake of
appealing to so-called civility is neither very democratic nor is it very
American; rather, it recalls times and circumstances where (very often) people
were tortured and murdered to obtain their silence and complicity with
governments and regimes that they did not themselves agree with,
governments that did not (in any way) obey the rule of law or respect the
inherent dignity of human beings. Anytime a politician reverts to inventing a
time where this civility that apparently was the hallmark of American political
discourse existed, he or she is not being entirely honest. American society has
not been so much civil as it has been reluctantly tolerant of itself, so any appeal
to this non-extant 'civility' is an appeal to a fantasy that never existed.

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 'Polite society' is eectively spearheaded by people with capital. And
because the vast majority of these people are also very rich, it makes etiquette
seem as if only rich people practice it. This isn't true. Etiquette doesn't make
you fake; fake etiquette makes you fake. It also doesn't make you a snob.
Unfortunately, every year a new crop of etiquette books are still written for an
audience intent on pleasing the rich (explaining, for example, the proper way
to socialize at social club for the rich). Just as a person cannot reasonably buy
their way into polite society, one can't buy good manners. And no etiquette
booknot even this onecan adequately show you how to survive the shark-
tank atmosphere of the inner circles of the well-to-do, where even a minor faux
pas (such as wearing socks with sandals, for example), can mean at best a minor
chastisement from some senior member of a social club to outright ostracism
from the whole. Even standard etiquette has to compete with an entirely new
crop of willful believers intent on reviving some of the most ridiculous customs
from times pastjust visit any Pinterest page on wedding invitations and you'll
see what I meanin a half-hearted attempt to appease consumers and business
owners alike. Be not deceived: good etiquette is not available from your nearest
craft and supply store, neither available from your friend's e-card startup, nor
from the bespoke foolishness of the wedding planner's cabal of overpriced
magicians. All of these things are tools to help us be better people, but not
necessarily the most immediately available ones. Real etiquette comes from the
heart.
And so just as this real etiquette originates from the best parts of
ourselves, it's important to remember that we owe our bodies and minds the
best that we can give. There is an etiquette of self, and this form of etiquette
forms the backbone of the Golden Rule: do unto others as you would have them do
unto you. Imagine all of the people in your life who depend on you. Perhaps you
have a spouse or an intimate partner, or maybe you have young children, or
perhaps a set of dedicated co-workers and friends who rely on you for moral

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and material support. All of these people require degrees of investment from
you, and so you consequently want to give them fundamentally equal yet
entirely dierent levels of attention and care. All of this requires a sort of
attentiveness and focus that can only come with an self-care. Otherwise, the
needs of the body take emergency-level precedence, which often leads to
frustration, anger, stress and eventually, serious health problems. Are you
drinking your recommended daily amount of water? Have you had something
to eat? Are you well-rested? Did you take a shower and brush your teeth before
you left the house? All of these things aect how we are seen and perceived by
other people, and any failure to eectively take care of ourselves is a serious
breach of etiquette.
The human body is incredibly resilient and also incredibly sensitive. It
needs constant care in order to produce the wellbeing and equilibrium that it
so wonderfully produces. Before we can even begin to speak about the
etiquette of socializing with others, we must cover the etiquette of self, and
how the relationship we have with our bodies can impact our ability to oer
our best selves to others.

Self-care: an introduction
Self-care comprises the following:
The complete care of the human body
When I mean this, I mean that complete care is not just a set of behaviors
and practices, but a set of attitudes and beliefs that support self-care. It also
means socializing with individuals and communities that support and
encourage self-care.
People with good etiquette are always supportive, understanding, and
encouraging of the wellbeing of others. They dont condone or encourage
behaviors that are a detrimental to a persons physical, emotional, or spiritual
wellbeing. They come in all dierent sizes and shapes, because self-care is

8
unique to every single person. Their goal, however, is the same across the
board: the eective survival and adaptation of the human person.
And of course, they themselves practice exceptional self-care.
Perhaps you might say, Im just not one of those people. And the answer
is that you (probably) already are. Even the person who may not be convinced
that they are applying the best practices of self-care to their everyday life is, in
some ways, already using them. You dont have to be a rocket scientist to know
how to take care of yourself. You dont even have to go to the gym (although
exercise does help). Our society and education already provide the framework
for our survival. The use of the 911 system is an extreme example. Our social
safety nets, as eroded as they already are, do some of the work of making sure
we do not die of hunger or lack of shelter. And while (as of now) it is not the
responsibility of any government to take care of us, it at least gives us the tools
for our survival and adaptation. All that we have to do, therefore, is pick up the
slack where its needed.
Anyone wishing to practice good self-care has to have a very basic plan
for action. This plan has to account for both periods of normalcy and
contingency. No, it doesnt have to be written down, but writing it down, even
on a Post-It Note and placing it in clear view, does help. You should stick to
your self-care plan on a weekly, monthly, and semi-annual basis. This plan
should be comprehensive, as well. Above all, it has to actually be eective in
order to truly count as self-care.

Everyday Self-Care
The self-care of the body is a daily ritual. In times past, the French
monarch used to have a ceremony called a leve, in which he or she was washed,
dressed and clothed before the senior members of the court, followed by a
short prayer ociated by the cardinal or papal nuncio, and a formal briefing by
government ocials.

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 The ceremony of the leve was one of the most significant in the Royal
court. It was written about by dozens of people who either witnessed it or
remembered it, and it was said that this ceremony of rousing the monarch
from sleep was one on which the lives and fortunes of people in many levels of
society depended.1
The modern leve is not just
for royalty. It is something you
can do every day with a little
planning and eort. The leve
has many names: the morning
routine is one of them that
happens to be popular in the
US. But the sense of grandeur, I
think, is lost with this banal
Little Susie contemplates whom to unfollow on Twitter
phrase. Waking from sleep is a
pleasure. It is a joyous return to
the life we have been blessed to have been given. So, instead of thinking about
this return as a routine, we should be seeing it as an opportunity to start fresh,
to wake up, and to honor our commitment to our bodies, minds and the people
who depend on us.

The Morning Routine

Part of your morning ritualyour leveshould be spent in the shower
or the bath. At night, your skin releases sweat and dead skin cells. Your eye
ducts form rheum, a combination of various byproducts of the eyes, nose and
mouth, which forms in the corners of your eyes. Your gastrointestinal system

1 For a broader discussion of the political and social importance of the leve, see Norbert Elias, The
Court Society (1969), pp 78-104. A vivid retelling occurs in the duc de Saint-Simons classic Memoirs,
lxxvii, part of which was recounted in In Search of Lost Time by Proust.

10
digests food which you ate the night before, so you also pass gas. This gas,
mixed with feces and sweat, can stain your sheets or your underwear. Above all,
billions of bacteria, viruses and parasites have multiplied on all of the surfaces
in your bedroom: you, your bed, your bedroom furniture, and adjacent
bathroom (if you happened to go to the bathroom at night). For all these
reasons and more it is imperative that you shower or bathe in the morning.
Before widespread improvements in plumbing most people either went
to the bathroom in latrines or outhouses or, if they were lucky, had a
chamberpot that was disposed of by household servants. A table was often
produced for the chamberpot and its assorted implementsthe dressing table or
more correctly, the toilette. Perfumes, colognes, salves, balms, waters,
medications, and other implements were placed on a white cloth on this table,
which is why we have terms such as toilet and eau de toilette. Sometimes, a
pitcher and a bowl were placed on this table as well, with a towel for washing
and drying the face. This bowl had a specific name, the lavabo, a word which in
most Latin languages now refers to the bathroom or kitchen sink.2
It is in the shower or bath that you can, in some ways, fully take stock of
the day and what it holds for you. The act of washing oneself is rife with
philosophical and spiritual considerations, especially when we consider that
when we wash our bodies we are in a way washing our consciences, as well;
preparing ourselves, mentally and spiritually, for the trials which we are to face.
It should come as no surprise, therefore, that the words ablution (meaning the
act of washing oneself) and absolution (referring to the forgiveness of sin) should
share the same Latin root.3

2 Or, more precisely, the liturgical implement that inspired these things. The table is called a credence
table and was used for reserving implements in the last 2/3 of Mass; the word credenza, referring to the
low decorative table seen in some homes, is a secular iteration of the credence table. The white towel
is called a maniple.
3 Ablutions are, of course, quite ancient, and have great prominence in most religions as part of
purification ceremonies. For a more mundane discussion of this subject, see Bogs Eveleigh, Baths and
Basins: The Story of Domestic Sanitation (2002).

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 The skin and hair must be washed thoroughly. A rinse-o of cold water
is only appropriate if the weather is very hot and you have already bathed.4
In the shower you should do the following:
Wash your face and body, carefully observing all of the
places where you dont usually soap up (behind your ears, in your
genitals and buttocks, or in folds of skin and fat)
Wash your hairfollowing the directions that come with
your shampoo and/or conditioner of choice
Shave your face, body and legs
Brush your teeth
A typical pre-work shower should be no longer than 15-20 minutes. Baths
are planned out aairs: special bath creams, lotions, &c., should be set out the
night before so you dont have to look for them in the morning.

After your shower or bath

The shower, bath, toilet and sink all are crawling with bacteria, viruses,
fungi and mold. These bathroom surfaces should be cleaned twice a week with
a bleach-based cleaning product, plenty of hot water, and a little elbow grease.
After youre done taking a shower, make sure to rinse your shower pouf and
hang it up to to dry. A shower pouf s lifespan is usually about 3-6 months
before it becomes too dirty to use. Regular washcloths can be washed with the
laundry every other day, and arent as wasteful as bath poufs, which are usually
made of non-biodegradable plastics. If you prefer the suds that a plastic pouf
makes, consider a biodegradable lua or natural sponge.
After the shower, you should:

4 A practice,I am told, that has been enshrined in the homes of Southern businessmen who often
swelter in the heat before noon, come home at lunch, refresh themselves, and then leave after lunch.
This is a mid-century custom that is rapidly dying out.

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 Apply lotions and moisturizers (medicated lotions and
sunscreen once youre fully dry)
Wring out or rinse wet articles (like washcloths, poufs or
towels)
Apply makeup
Apply powders and deodorant
Clean out orifices (like your belly button, ears, nostrils and
foreskin)
Always have one or two clean towels ready so that you can dry o as
soon as you leave the shower or bath.
Do not place clean towels on the floor, either as a mat for drying or to
sop up water from the floor. It is unsanitary since the dripping water from your
body often contains bacteria and whatever is left over from the shower or bath.
If the bathroom floor is flooded, it is because you didnt choose to dry o in
the shower or tub. You should never use dirty towels, or towels that someone
else has used. MRSA (methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus) infections have
been reported in people who unwittingly used dirty towels tainted with the
sweat, blood, pus and feces of other people.
Be wary of showering with very hot water, especially during the winter:
frequent hot showers, while good for removing dead skin, can dry out your
skin.
A clean bathroom has a mat on the floor, with a rubber base to prevent
slipping, and covered with a soft, absorbent fiber that can help to evaporate
water. These mats should be washed weekly and hung out to dry.5

5 In some homes, a matching mat goes over the lid to the toilet seat, so that it can be used as a soft
place to sit down after a bath. Sometimes the lid is covered with a carpet-like material. Both the
floor mat and the lid cover are probably too dirty to be used frequently.

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 Hand towels go on a rack near the sink. They are never used to dry the
body. You should never use a hand-towel for anything else than drying your
hands after youve thoroughly washed them.6
The sink is dierent from any other surface in the house. It should never
be overcrowded with perfumes, colognes, soap, toothbrushes, or toothpaste.
The sink is just for washing your face and hands, and nothing else. Even if you
shave in your sink, the sink must be
entirely clean and free of hair in
order for you to be really done with
shaving.7
The sink should be free of
debris. If you shave at the sink, rinse
your razor with hot water to kill and
wash away any bacteria that may
have settled there, and rinse it again
after youre done. Put the razor away
only after its completely dr y A clean bathroom, prior to a man using it
although its very rare to contract
tetanus from a rusty razor these days,
the possibility is still enough to warrant an extra precaution.
Safety razors should be thrown out after about 8-10 uses. Dull razors are
dangerous and can cause cuts, in addition to harboring bacteria that can cause
potentially life-threatening infections.8

6 It might added that body towels do not belong on a hand-towel rack.

7 It is recommended that the washing of lingerie and delicates not take place in the sink, due to the
risk of contamination by bacteria, and also a general risk of ruining delicates by residues of harsh
cleaners still left in the basin.
8 Long gone are the days where straight razors had to be sharpened by leather strap; although some
barbershops still over straight-razor shaves as a nostalgic form, the safety and ecacy of a straight-
razor shave cannot be accounted for, despite whatever pretended notions of its closeness or of the
luxurious feeling of the hot towel treatment.

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 The orifices of the human body exist to trap and prevent dirt, bacteria,
viruses and fungi from entering it. In polite society, human beings have
developed means of preventing these orifices from attracting undue attention.
While the body mainly takes care of itself, it is important to pick up the slack
when necessarya little attention and self-care is important to prevent
potential embarrassment.
Cotton swabs are often used in the bathroom for removing and applying
materials to or from the body. Most of the time, however, people just stick
them in their ears to soak up water or to remove earwax.
Cotton swabs do not belong in the ear canal. At the very least they are used
to wipe out accumulations of dirt and dead skin in the spaces of the outer ear.
Removing earwax is the responsibility of a nurse who can remove obstructions
of earwax in a process called a lavage, and only after a doctor has signed o on
it. Earwax is important because it traps and prevents dust, parasites, fungi,
bacteria and viruses from entering the ear canal. Cotton swabs also pose the
risk of potentially damaging the ear canal, which can lead to hearing loss.
You should use cotton swabs, however, to clean areas that you missed in
the shower, or to apply moisturizer to sensitive areas of the body. They are also
good for applying or removing makeup in sensitive areas of the face. Men who
have foreskin should take a good moisturizing cream and apply it to the tip of
their foreskin and penis, both to moisturize the skin and clean out impurities.
One of the crudest byproducts of the human anatomy is smegma, the
white, cheesy, foul-smelling substance that accumulates around the base of the
glans in men and in the folds of the labia in women. It is the cause of the
embarrassing genital smells that are major faux pas in most societies. Smegma
leaves a tell-tale pale yellow residue on white underwear, which many people
mistake for urine or a discharge. A good scrubbing with soap and water will
clean sensitive areas of the skin, but also well-fitting clothing made of
breathable fabric will keep bacteria from producing unpleasant odors from

15
becoming noticeably apparent. If you shave your genital area, make sure to
moisturize frequently, both to prevent irritation but also to keep bacteria
proliferating on the skin (pubic hair serves to keep bacteria out).
A cotton swab dipped in rubbing alcohol will clean and sanitize the
navel. The belly button serves no external purpose; it is simply an scar formed
by a surgical procedurethe cutting of the umbilical cord when we were born
and by extension it becomes a receptacle for dead skin, oil, dirt and bacteria.
There should be no discharge whatsoever from the belly button at the end of
the day. A telltale sign of a dirty belly button is a trickle or puddle of yellowish-
white, foul-smelling fluid in the belly button after one removes their clothing.
The odor from the discharge is one of the most repellent and disgusting things
that the human body can produce.
The presence of feces or fecal fluid from the anus after bathing oneself is
either a sign of a serious health problem or one of willful ignorance of the
proper care of the body. The presence of feces should never be seen on your
hands or on your clothing, and it certainly should never be smelled by other
people around you.

Self-care for people who menstruate

We all have to take care of their bodies in dierent ways. A person with
female genitalia is a receptacle for life, so these people take life with them
everywhere they go. There is some truth to the urban legend that womens
purses have the ability to harbor bacteria like Staphylococcus, E. coli, Listeria,
Giardiasis, as well as serious viruses like flu. It might be for this reason that it
was formerly considered bad luck for a woman to place her purse on the bed.
Menstruation is one of the most dicult and trying parts of life. The act
of self-care is magnified for the few days during a period cycle; a person with
female genitalia has to do many things in order to satisfy the needs of their
body as well as that of a male-dominated society repulsed and disgusted by the

16
mere mention of menses. Socializing with someone on their period is a subject
well deal with later on in this series; right now, however, is an excellent time to
discuss self-care during a period.
The subject of menstruation does not necessarily apply to just one
gender identity, since trans men have periods as well.
Bleeding of any kind carries a particular symbology. Vaginal bleeding is
one of the great psychological traumas of puberty, one that requires both the
sensitivity and compassion of a mother and the understanding of a doctor to
explain fully. When people menstruate, their bodies expel not only blood, but
tissue, water, and other bodily fluids. It truly is one of the most distressing
things a person can experience.
Since everyones body is dierent, periods have dierent eects. Social
taboos and regulations on biologically female bodies while they are
menstruating have not made understanding and experiencing the process any
easier.
If you have periods you should do the following:
Use birth control
Use sanitary napkins (pads), tampons, or menstrual cups (all
disposable) or use reusable cloths or menstrual cups.
Prepare your bedroom and bathroom to accommodate flows
(such as using a towel in-between your legs at night)
Carry pads and tampons with you in your purse or bag
wherever you go
Carry a good strong pain reliever, like ibuprofen or aspirin
and take it when necessary
Remove and properly dispose of tampons, pads, &c when
they are no longer useful
Observe routine care of the body before, during and after
menstruation, including a proper regimen of diet and exercise

17
 Gynecologists do not agree that douching either eliminates foul odor,
releases obstructions in the vagina or uterus, or prevents pregnancy. On the
contrary, douching can do great damage to the sensitive microbial environment
of the uterus, which relies on the bodys natural ability to expel toxins to
function normally. The only moderately successful thing accomplished by
douching is mitigating the socially undesirable smell of the female genitalia. It
is a wholly unnecessary and in most cases, potentially life-threatening practice.
Underwear and lingerie should be washed frequently, with special
detergent, at least three times a week. Bras, especially those with underwires
or made from very fine materials, should be hung up to drip-dry along with
panties and slips, or else placed into the washing machine on the delicate cycle.
Lingerie seldom smells good after one or two wears.

Caring for your skin, hair, & nails

Makeup should be promptly removed at the end of the day. As tempting
as it might be, you will save yourself a world of trouble (and a very expensive
laundry bill) if you take a few minutes with a cotton ball, a washcloth and some
good makeup remover before you retire for the evening. People with oily or
combination skin should moisturize before bed, since their skin needs more
hydration during the night. Also: dont touch your face with your hands unless
youve thoroughly washed them.
In older etiquette books, especially the classics which often assumed a
proper house had servants specifically available for servicing women in the
house (ladies maids), there were a number of indispensable acts and rituals
that took place at the end of the day. The ladys maid had an entire toolset
available ready for a lady at the hour she decided to retire. A man was not
permitted to attend to this aair, unless he was her husband or a fianc very
familiar with her family and their servants. The ladys maid may be a bygone
thing now, but the toolset still remains.

18
 You should have on hand, or at least procure as soon as possible, the
following:
A set of combs and brushes
A nightgown, dressing gown or bathrobe
A good set of slippers
Nail clippers, nail files and manicure or pedicure accessories
Water (either at the sink or bathtub or in a vessel reserved for that
purpose)
A towel
Lots of people often invest a
great deal of time and money in buying
cold creams specifically worn at night
to repair the skin from the rigors of
the sun and the wind. Though the
e ffic a c y of these creams or
medications is debatable, they feel
s o o t h i n g a n d c a l m i n g to a p p l y,
especially after a fairly dicult and
demanding day.
Ke e p y o u r n a i l s c l e a n a n d
trimmed. The timeframe for when to
cut them varies from person to #goodhairdontcare.

person, but the average person needs

to clean and clip their nails at least once every two weeks. Nothing dark should
be visible under the fingernails (a good hand-washing can take care of that),
and your cuticles should be neatly trimmed with no ragged edges and no
splinters on the sides. Don't relentlessly dig your hands into tight pockets,
because doing so can damage your cuticles and open up the skin directly
beneath your fingernails. Infections can and do take place in the fingernail bed,

19
especially in the space between the flesh of the finger and the fingernail bed
(these infections are called whitlows). These are very painful and require a
doctor's help to alleviate.
Similarly, the toenails should be trimmed routinely. The toenails are more
at risk for infections, given the warm, restrictive and often uncomfortable
environment created by modern footwear. Wear breathable socks and shoes,
and watch that toes don't get smashed into your shoes when you put them on.
Soak your feet in warm water and elevate your legs at night to help the blood
circulate correctly, especially if you spend a great deal of time on your feet
during the day.
Your hair should never be so greasy (either from being unwashed for a
very long time or from being overdressed with product) that it leaves a
noticeable odor (which is entirely unpleasant) or so unkempt that it attracts
attention. While hairstyles are in the province of one's individual taste, your
hair should never be so dirty and smelly that it causes people to take oense.
Wash your hair frequentlyevery day is just fine, but most dermatologists and
hairstylists agree that we over-wash our hair and expose it to too many
chemicals in the shampoo and conditioner we use. People who like and enjoy
the kinks in their 'natural' hair should care for it with special oils that can
replenish it from the harsh eects of the sun, the wind, and the eects of
humidity. However these oils should be used in a way that will not cause
oense to sensitive noses.
The etiquette surrounding the care of the body is complex, far too
complex to discuss in one issue of this series. Self-care is universal, however,
whether or not a person identifies as male, female, transgender, intersex, or
gender non-conforming. All people have a right to seek health care that
respects their individual choices and bodies. They have a right to seek health
care regardless of whether they wish to have children or not. They have a right
to wear as much or as little makeup or perfume as they want. They have the

20
right to be excused for a few minutes to change tampons, pads, to take birth
control or to breast-feed. They also have a right to be accommodated in ways
that are markedly dierent from men, which means that if there needs to be a
couch in the bathroom at the oce for women to sit down in, then by all
means, it should exist.

The Evening Routine

Just as there was a levee, there was also a ceremony called the couche, in
which the French monarch was put to bed. If he or she could have what might
be called an evening routine, then you should have one, too.
When you get home, you should put
away your street clotheseither in
the hamper if theyre dirty or in the
closet if theyre clean.
Do not wear street clothes in the
bedroom or even so much think of
sitting on a bed in your street
clothes, since they carry dust, dirt
and exhaust, as well as pollen, fungi,
bacteria and viruses that could make
Shh, squirrels need their beauty sleep you or someone else sick.
Remove your shoes and put them
away. Dont leave them on the floor for you or someone else to stumble over.
Put on your slippers. Remember: slippers are not meant to be worn outside,
but in the comfort of your own home.
At this point you may shower or bathe if you need to, but dry o in the
bathtub first. Only after that you can put on underwear, and then a dressing
robe or gown. And before I forget: a bathrobe, usually made of terry cloth, is
not the same as a true dressing-gown, often made of fine silk or satin. Men have

21
smoking jackets, worn by the likes of Hugh Hefner and redolent of midcentury
bachelor pads; these are hardly worn anymore by most men, who prefer to
lounge about in their underwear or very often in the nude. If you prefer a little
more comfort, a simple cotton nightgown is more than acceptable.
Moisturize. The reason why I mention this is that the warmth of the bed
dries out skin and sometimes makes sleeping uncomfortable, especially if you
washed your sheets with a fabric softener or detergent that can aggravate the
skin. Hot showers and baths can also dry out your skin. The three oclock itch
refers to the annoying itching that can happen very late at night, often in the
hands and feet, as a result of the friction and heat produced by tossing and
turning in bed. Sometimes its aggravated by simply getting up in the middle of
the night to go to the bathroom. Even more heat is produced by the body after
a very full meal, caused by very elaborate dinners that often last too long; for
some people these dinners can spell out an uncomfortable night spent sweating
in bed (as a result of high blood sugars putting the body into overdrive). The
feet and the hands need special attention: socks and shoes roughen and harden
the skin, while the continuous act of diving hands into pockets can chafe the
skin of the fingers and distort the shape of the cuticles. Make sure to remove
your slippers before you go to bed: not only is it bad luck to go to bed with
shoes on, but you might also track in dust, dirt or mud into your bed. Soak
your feet in warm water to soften them before bed, and dry them o with a
clean towel. An old-fashioned remedy for tired feet is epsom salts, the ecacy
of which is debatable. But the sensation of warm water on tired feet is
exhilarating on cold winter nights. In the summer, the feet, as well as the rest
of the body, are refreshed with water or some other remedy which can cool and
refresh the body.

22
Caring for your teeth
Brush your teeth. The recommended time you should be brushing your
teeth it at least 2 minutes nowadays, in careful, round motions, around the
gum-line, over the enamel of the teeth, and in the pockets where the cheek
meets the gums. You should use mouthwash to diminish the destructive eects
of sugar-loving bacteria on the teeth. In addition to mouthwash you also need
to floss after every meal. Flossing carries the risk of bleeding since the act of
flossing may disturb the sensitive pulp of the gums. It also releases a
considerably unpleasant odor. It is, however, very necessary to floss, since it
helps to remove food particles from in-between teeth and the gum-line that
can cause bacteria to build up. A good toothbrush will not have bristles so hard
that it causes your pulp to bleed; on the other hand, it should clean well
enough so that when you run your tongue over your teeth you notice that they
are considerably cleaner than before. Of course your teeth need a routine
cleaning by a dentist twice a year, if not sooner.

Going to bed
When you're done undressing you
should turn down the bed, lower the
l i g h t s , a n d g o t o s l e e p . Re m o v e
everything from the surface of the bed
clothing, books, magazines, devices, &c.
You should have nothing on the bed to
begin with. Some people may have to
open a window or a door to ventilate the
It feels so good to have finally finished
room or to cool o. Since the human watching the entire first season of Stranger
Things in bed.
body produces a great deal of heat (and
having another body in bed with you just

23
amplifies that heat), its ideal to go to sleep in a room thats thoroughly
ventilated and slightly cool enough to sleep in. If you have the benefit of living
in a climate which doesnt require air conditioning, you should keep the
windows open in summer to ventilate the room and to clear out the foul odors
produced by the human body at night. If you live in a building or residence
that has air conditioning, the air conditioning should be turned off at least
once every day to allow the air to circulate air out of the bedroom, and the
windows should be opened (only, however, in warm weather and if you can
open them). Airing out linen in the wintertime requires frequent laundering,
especially with heavy blankets that trap odors. White sheets require laundering
with hot water and bleach; colors require detergent and a color-safe bleach
alternative that disinfects as well. Blankets, duvets, &c., especially large
blankets that dont fit into the washing machine, have to be professionally
cleaned at the dry cleaners.

Sleeping with smartphones, tablets, computers &

other devices
Let us end once and for all the atrocious habit of sleeping with an
electronic device on the nightstand table. Its bad for your eyesight and its bad
for your sleep habits. If you depend on your phone or tablet to work as a
nightstand alarm clock, make sure that the app is equipped with a feature that
will not strain your eyes when you look up at it in the dark.9 The bright
whitish-blue light of a smartphone or tablet is not natural at 11 PM.
Sometimes having these devices is necessary, especially if we depend on
them for worka night-owl boss might be inclined, for example, to send us a
list of tasks in an e-mail at 10:45 PM, so that we feel the need to check email
before we retire. But this habit is bad for you: it makes you anxious, which can

9 Thelatest iteration of iOS comes with a feature called Night Shift that can lower the screen
temperature at night to help you sleep.

24
negatively aect your ability to sleep well. The last two hours before bed are
sacred: no external social or business activity ought to take place. Look after
business aairs in the time after dinner or dessert, when the plates have been
cleared and the dishes are being done. If you live alone, finish dinner or dessert
first, put the dishes away, attend to your business aairs (pay bills, talk on the
phone, &c) and then retire. By no means should you bring all of your business
to the bedroom, or take out your laptop and work in bed. Not only will you
disturb your partner (if you have one) but you will make it doubly worse for
you in the morning when you have to clean up and reorganize during the rush
to get to work.
The bed is only for sleep and sex. It is not for eating, drinking, checking
your email, updating your social media accounts, or working. This rule can be
relaxed if you or your partner want to watch a film or a TV show on a device
(so-called Netflix and chill). But as soon as the film or show is over, devices
should be taken to some part of the room reserved for them and charged. No
one likes to have a phone with a glaring red battery icon on their home screen
in the morning.
Some cultures recommend drinking a glass of water before bed to stave
o nightmares. While this practice has not been proven to either prevent or
mitigate nocturnal disturbances, your body needs water in order to sleep well.10

Mindfulness before bed

Lastly, attend to your devotionals. Devotionals are things or habits that
humans do to quell their anxieties and calm their souls. Things like reading or
conversing in bed (pillow talk) are not devotional, but rather intellectual
pursuits that can distract the mind from the calm and centeredness that is a
hallmark of a good nights sleep. Prayer and meditation are good examples of

10 This custom is specifically observed by Latin peoples.

25
devotionals. Those not of a spiritual inclination would find it better to engage
in some positive thinking before bed; little armations like what a great day it
was or how lucky I am to be alive right now are good starting points. A short
period of prayer or a centering exercise is important. You may play soft music
in order to help you to sleep. Sex or masturbation is also helpful, since orgasm
can help to calm you down and put you to sleep. Once youre in bed, however,
you should not be thinking at all of other people or things.
Your daily routine should always have a plan for when things go wrong:
salad in your teeth, sleep crusts in your eyes, a little BO after having to run
after your departing bus. Major problems, like falling down and hurting
yourself, vomiting, fainting, or having a bowel accident, require intervention
from others. You may even have to plan to go to the hospital.

A man's bag
Men should always carry around an extra pair of underwear in their
briefcases, gym bags, or backpacks. Sanitary wipes are not a gendered item and
can be found in the travel section of your grocery stores personal needs aisle.
You can also add a travel-size toothbrush, toothpaste, and dental floss to your
bag or store it in your desk at work for a
quick brush-up after lunch. If your job
requires you to wear professional
clothing, a lint roll is indispensable for
those times you need to look
presentable but dont have time to
change clothing.11
A mans bag (either a briefcase or

11 A gentlemanwould do well to place a sewing kit in the same place as the lint brush. Men should be
encouraged to learn how to sew well in the event of a fashion emergency (such as a minor rip or a
missing thread on a hem).

26
a messenger bag) contains a spare change of clothing (if hes heading
somewhere out after work or the gym), deodorant or antiperspirant, cologne, a
toothbrush, toothpaste and mouthwash, his medications, a bottle of water, and
his laptop or tablet (hopefully stored away from the bottle of water in its own
sleeve). His laptop, tablet and phone need to be secured with a strong
password or passcode and two-factor authentication.
A mans keys and wallet stay in his front pockets, where his hands can get
to them. Gone are the days where a man could reliably keep his wallet stored
in a back pocket.
A man who values and respects himself, as well as any sexual partner he
may have, will be wise enough to carry condoms in his bag, and keep them up-
to-date (condoms can and do expire!).12 If he goes over to someones house with
the intent to have sex with them during the evening (a hookup), he carries
condoms and lubricant with him in his bag.
A gentleman need not have a bag in order to be respectable, but
respectable men look after themselves often and will often concede that they
need an arsenal of secret weapons to maintain their good looks. No, you dont
need to spend a great deal of money on having a nice bag: just a few little
things can mean the dierence between showing up to a party or meeting as a
hot, sweaty and disheveled mess and attending the same as an impeccably-
groomed gentleman.

A lady's purse or bag

A womans purse is an extension of herself: everything in it, as a friend
once told me, is linked to everything that she loves.
She loves herself, so a woman keeps things like perfume, makeup,
medications, water, a little food, and sanitary supplies.

12 The same rule applies to women, as well.

27
 She loves her car, so she keeps her car keys (and a spare) with her at all
times.13
She values the safety and security aorded to her as a woman, so she
keeps a wallet with money and whatever forms of identification she needs. Her
debit and credit cards should be hidden away from prying eyes, preferably in a
clutch with her phone.14 Her laptop, phone and tablet are all secured with a
password, passcode and two-factor authentication at all times.
Birth certificates, Social Security cards, or active legal documents (such
as wills) need to be locked away in a safe place and have no place in a purse.15
She values the people around her, so she has mementoes and
photographs of the people she loves either on her phone or in her wallet.
Lastly, she loves the world around her, so she cleans out her purse and
changes it to suit the fads and fashions of her time. Purses should be switched
out once every 3 months. Leather purses can be cleaned, but only with leather
or suede cleaner, or they can be sent to the dry cleaners. Only totes, which are
supplemental and are for day trips to the market, the park or the beach, can be
washed in a washing machine and dried like normal laundry. As little as she
might have to contemplate this, a womans purse is often crawling with
bacteria, viruses and fungi, so its often necessary to have purses and bags
cleaned altogether and disposed of when theyve reached the end of their life.
Many women, including trans women, do not have a purse proper, but
choose to have some other bag which suits their taste; the same rules for
purses apply to these bags, including their disposal.

13In her car, I might add, are a spare pair of comfortable shoes, in case if for reasons of comfort or
safety she needs to get out of her heels.
14Newer phone cases often have a wallet compartment for the storing of cash, cards and other
valuables. Some of these have RFID blockers.
15 The preferred place for storage of sensitive documents is in a fireproof safe or box in the home.

28
Cologne & perfume
The subject of how much (or how little) perfume
or cologne a person ought to wear is a matter of debate.
Since most of modern etiquette is geared towards the
world of business, most experts on business etiquette
advise against the use of perfume or cologne at work,
for fear of oending delicate noses. But each situation
is unique: if you get along great with your coworkers,
and if they havent had a problem with your cologne or
perfume in the past, feel free to put on the right
amount that you feel comfortable with. If, however, someone does object, the
right and natural thing to do is to limit the application of it, or to not wear it at
all. Most Americans are at best confused by what smells good on them, and so
consequently they make terrible perfume or cologne choices. Since smell is
strongly tied to memory, certain colognes or perfumes can even be emotionally
or psychologically triggering. The same rules apply for strongly-scented
deodorants, salves, and hand creamsagain, use these with discretion and
always ask if its okay before you use them.

Handwashing and hand sanitizer

You need to wash your hands every time you use the bathroom
regardless of whether you touched your genitals, anus or notand the amount
you spend before the sink has to be more than just a few moments. All of the
surfaces in public bathrooms are exceptionally dirty, no matter how often
theyre cleaned. While men are often blamed for not washing their hands
thoroughly after using the bathroom, women are just as guilty of the same
thing.

29
 Hand sanitizers, which are made of isopropyl alcohol, water and iodine,
can and do help keep hands clean when they are not visibly dirty. Hand
sanitizers are good for when you need to clean your hands after touching
something that you think might make you sick, or if you cant find a sink in
which to wash your hands.

How to take care of yourself when you're sick

The chief sinner in the gallery of etiquette oenders, though, has to be
the sick person who refuses to stay home and take care of themselves. Their
arrogance and selfishness have convinced them even though theyre sick with
the flu and suering from a 102-degree fever they need to come in and finish
that expense report summary before their deadline. So they come in early,
hacking and wheezing, dripping snot and sweat everywhere, with a mouthful
full of complaints and a head full of poor cognition, and for nearly 8 hours one
is exposed to a symphony of the crudest and most annoying sounds ever made
by a human being. And no onenot even her overworked boss who has to
work with an open door right next to her
ocehas the courage to tell her to go
home. If you have experienced this before
(hopefully as witness and not as a
perpetrator), then you understand how
aggravating and infuriating people like this
can be.
Look: we all get sick. On average, most
Americans get sick from the common cold or
flu 3 times a year, usually during times of
seasonal change, when people are out and

Jake learns that dirty underwear is not a about more. Getting sick is not fun, and for
suitable replacement for a handkerchief the average week or so that one is sick it can

30
get downright depressing. Getting sick does not mean that we just lumber
through it and hope for the best. It means actively planning to be out of the
oce at the most for a few days, giving oneself ample opportunity to rest, relax
and to care for the symptoms. Being sick does not give one the license to pass
on their aiction to other persons, but rather to confine and care for oneself
until the symptoms are no longer contagious.
Colds often begin with a tell-tale sore throat, while influenza starts with
chills, coughs and congestion. You should confine yourself immediately at the
slightest indication of these symptoms. Get out extra blankets, medications,
and a box of tissues. Stay in bed and sleep. Have someone get you some kind of
citrus juiceorange, grapefruit, lemon or limeor begin to take Vitamin C
supplements to help your immune system fight off the cold or flu. Wear
slippers and make yourself warm broths or soups, to warm and soothe your
throat, but also to fill your body with nutrients and fluids that can help you
recover. Finally, call your superiors and inform them that you cannot under any
circumstances come into work; they will obviously understand and if they are
kind enough, they will wish you well.
Do not aggrieve your coworkers or superiors with infectious illness: it
costs time and money for each and every time a person is out of the oce sick
with the cold or flu. Although this is not something we like to think of, our
obligation and responsibility to our careers depends on being kind and
respectful to the people we work with.
Cancel your social plansall of themuntil you feel well enough to go
out again.
Avoid being in public as much as you can. If you have to be out, consider
wearing a maskthis custom is more prevalent in Asian countries, but still
eective. If you have a partner, he or she will gladly help you to feel better.
If you have to be out while youre sick (to buy medicine, for example),
cover your nose and mouth when sneezing or coughing. Be wary of repeatedly

31
clearing your throat in quiet places where the sound might be annoying to
others. Carry a handkerchief or tissues. Dispose of tissues when you use
themdont let them fall out of your pockets or otherwise let them
accumulate at your desk at work.
Take your medicine discreetly, in the bathroom or at the kitchen sink.
Do not play the martyr while sick. Everyone already knows youre not
feeling well; theres no need to drive the point home by being petulant and
dramatic.
Although you may find it hard to control, try not to sneeze so loudly that
you startle people around you.
Wash your hands after having blown your nose repeatedly. Do not even
bother to think of making any physical contact of any kind with someone after
you have sneezed, lest you give whatever it is you have to someone else.
Above all, be kind to yourself. Getting sick is no fun at all, but if you
think about it as a little vacation from the dullness and routine of life, it can
oer up some excellent opportunities to enjoy a TV show youve been eager to
watch, or a book youve been wanting to read, in relative peace and quiet.

Caring for your mind, body & soul

Practicing self-care also means being kind to your mind and soul. This
routine is so often overlooked and hardly ever mentioned in other etiquette
books, but its the cornerstone of good manners.
People who love and respect themselves love and respect other people.
They take the opportunity to learn and develop self-care habits that make life
easier to live. Theyre ready to meet adversity with strength and resilience, and
often provide key support to people who might need it.
The routine around mental self-care varies from person to person,
because everyone is dierent. There are many dierent ways that people can
practice emotional and psychological self-care, too many to list here.

32
 Shes finally escaped those pesky Facebook game requests

The first and the most important responsibility where mental health is
concerned is to take care of yourself.
Eat and drink foods which are healthy, whole, and nourishing. Never skip
a meal, and never leave the house without eating a wholesome, nourishing
breakfast.
Sleep well and get some exercise (a good walk around the block for 30
minutes after dinner is a good start).
Go outside: as little as 30 minutes of outside activity can give you the
pick-me-up that you need during stressful times.

33
 You should hydrate several times a day (the recommended dose of 8
glasses of water, is, alas, no longer a constant most people can aspire to). In
many cases the mere lack of water can send a person into a cognitive and
emotional tailspin that can add a great deal of stress to everyday activities,
including work. Drink water after very stressful or upsetting situations, in
particular those that aect your ability to make clear judgments. Water
pitchers and glasses exist in courts of law for this very reason.
Stay away from cigarettes, and dont abuse alcohol or recreational drugs.
Although the evidence is oftentimes contradictory, a glass of wine with dinner
or a nightcap before bed can help to smooth out the stresses of the day.
Smoking marijuana, while not socially or legally acceptable, has been shown to
mitigate stressful reactions, and it can help people with depression and bipolar
disorder better manage their symptoms. By all means stay away from drugs
that you know will harm you or others or make you emotionally or
psychologically unstable. Seek help from trusted authorities who can help you
make informed decisions with regards to your mental health: a doctor of
psychiatry, a trained psychologist, counsellor or member of the clergy, and a
supportive network of concerned and compassionate people who want to see
you healthy and happy.
The second responsibility is to enjoy life.
Do not worry. Worrying never solved a problem, paid a bill, or fulfilled
the obligations of a romantic or platonic relationship. Worry has done nothing
but amplify our own negative perceptions of ourselves, the people around us,
and the situations we find ourselves in. The worries that people have about
many insignificant things have largely kept our culture and society from being
as progressive, as understanding, as kind, and as genuine as we would like it to
be.
Find and keep a meaningful job. Working is good for you: it keeps you
physically fit, mentally and emotionally well, and financially stable. It provides

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you with the wherewithal to make your life a rich tapestry of interests,
hobbies, and passions. In the United States, we often place too much of an
emphasis on how much money or buying power we can have doing a job, rather
than the quality of the job itself. Work is a tool that can make us enjoy life; it is
not a substitution for socializing with other people, nor is it a vehicle for our
own insecurities and hostility towards other people. Therefore, you should try
to have a job that closely matches your skill set, appeals to you enough for you
to stick for it longer than six months, and it should pay enough money to keep
you well-fed and well-rested.
Your interests and passions should contribute to your work, rather than
dominate it. Any sort of meaningful work that you do also requires a great deal
of socialization and empathy, especially with your coworkers and most
especially with your boss. If youre not working right now (or perhaps are a
student or a retiree) consider volunteeringyes, even though youre more or
less working for free, its an excellent opportunity to practice kindness and
make the world a better place in which to live.
Older etiquette books often assumed that a young man (or even a young
woman!) had a job in order to be fully respectable. This is still the case in the
very materialistic, capitalist society that we live in, however the rules have
changed. The recent economic dbcle has all but gutted the job market,
leaving a great majority of young people without stable, meaningful, long-
lasting employment. Gone are the days of 50-year retirement parties; the so-
called jubilees of our grandparents time. Instead, its expected that many
younger people will work many short-term jobs that pay very little and provide
little in the way of benefits, either long-term or short-term. This way of
thinking is more about saving money than ensuring the permanent wellbeing
of a workforce.
However, I am glad to tell you that you dont have to have a great (or
even a good) job to be respectable. All you have to do is be honest, humble,

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caring, and kind. People can and do respect the unemployed, and in more ways
than we can think of: the taxes we pay that go into unemployment insurance,
SNAP programs (food stamps), food banks, and Medicare and Medicaid are
just a few visible examples. And besides, there are many good and gentle
people who dont even care that you have a job to begin with. In very formal
social settings, ladies and gentlemen are taught to see the unemployed with
respect and decency. Being unemployed is not a curse or a manifestation of
someones shortcomings: very often it is the result of something out of
someones control. Good manners, thankfully, sees beyond the temporal crises
of work, and asks us to see each other as a culmination of passions, interests,
hobbies, empathy and knowledge, rather than just a silly title on a plastic
nameplate.
A respectable person pays his or her own way, according to Emily Posts
classic 1920 Etiquette.16 This still rings true; however I might add that a
gentleman pays his own way as far as hes able. You should have enough money
to take care of yourselfto pay your rent, to account for expenses where food,
clothing, supplies, &c are concerned, with just enough to be able to have for
fun little occasions every now and then. Dont fret about money, and dont pick
fights with friends over itbecause if you do, very soon you will discover that
you won't have anymore friends to fight over money with! A good rule to
remember, as it was once related to me, is that your rent should account for at
least 25% of your paycheck, after taxes.
Loans and debts are something well discuss in the next issue of this zine,
however I feel its necessary to point out that the debts a person has
traditionally been linked to the reputability and integrity of that person. With
the way things have gone in the last ten years, I myself am afraid to give
credence to this way of thinking about debt. I will say that if you have personal
debts, arrange to pay them o with your obviously caring and understanding

16 Cf. Emily Post, Etiquette (1920)., Ch. XXIX, The Fundamentals of Good Behavior.

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friend, and never let it come between the both of you. If it does, you may have
to resort to the specialties of a small-claims judge to sort things out.
Professional debts, the kind that you have with your credit-card company,
are best handled by a lawyer if you cant pay them back.
Dont overspend or even so much think about spending your money on
frivolous things: material wealth, as a friend once told me, never amounts to
very much.
Do not leave your money out, neither in your home, nor at work, nor at
any public place. Dont be flippant with your money and wave it around. Its
not only very rude, but it makes you visible as a target to thieves.

How to find and keep good friends

Cultivate good relationships with people. How do you do that? you
might ask. Well, the easy answer is to find people that are worth hanging out
with.
Good friends never take advantage of you. They call you or text you at
least three to four times a week, or invite you out at least two to three times a
month. A friend is someone you can place your trust in. A friend does not even
consider the possibility of hurting you in any way, provided you didnt do
something to hurt them first.
In order to have friends you have to have something in common with
one of them. The reason why I say this is because so many people assume that
the person they see on the train or on a bus is their friend because theyve
commuted together. While friendship of this kind is possible its seldom
lasting, because the circumstances do not account for a fuller sharing of likes
and interests.
Friends have to be authentic, credible people. Real friends arent liars or
con artists. Real friends will never ask you for anything like money unless they
really respectfully approached you to ask for it or youve invited them to it.

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They never disinvite you or exclude you from something that they participate
in without a good reason.
Friendships take time and eort to build and maintain. Very often the
storms of life can simply overwhelm some people and separate good friends for
a while, especially if one or the other is involved in very dicult circumstances
(e.g., a death in the family or having to work a double shift to pay the rent). But
if you have good friends, they can and often will reunite with you, because they
see the value of having you accompany them through their own life journey.
Friendships are best enjoyed in moderation, like good wine or good
chocolate.
Real friendships have a lasting durability that can have both platonic and
romantic characteristics to them. This is why so many long-lasting marriages
start out with people who knew their partner outside of a romantic context for
a very long time. The mystery of the human emotional system is that men and
women can have very deep relationships with other men and women in ways
that often flout expected gender norms and expectations.
One cannot have good friends without having a great deal of empathy
and kindness for other people. It is an exhausting aair to be a good friend, but
it pays well in the length and depth of certain friendships. While many
friendships are long-lasting, a great many others last for only a few short days,
weeks or months. One should develop a keen sense of awareness for the
fleeting quality of these friendships. Many people claim to have a great deal of
friends, but most sociologists and anthropologists will tell you that on average
you will have a small social circle of truly interesting, engaging and kind people
during your lifetime. Do not expect this circle, therefore, to be greatly
expanded beyond five or six persons at the most.

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How to be a good person
As a truly kind, respectable and generous individual, you should have
been endowed from childhood with a sense of respect for the sovereignty and
individuality of people. Just because someone doesnt mesh well with your
tastes (at whatever level they might be at) gives you no reason to be rude or
condescending.17
The joys of a particular art come from the variety of its forms rather
than how well someone does it.18
A good friend and a good person harbors no ill-will nor any sort of bad
faith whatsoever to any stranger or friend without a good reason.
No one calling themselves a decent person is ever racist, classist, sexist,
homophobic, transphobic, nor do they harbor any feelings of prejudice or
hatred toward any marginalized person, neither the poor, the downtrodden,
nor the accused, a foreigner or an undocumented person.
Similarly, a person cannot be deemed respectable or decent if they hate
someone on the basis of someones religion or creed, or even a lack of one.
Good people do not mock religious piety or sentiment.
Good people also do not abuse or mock vulnerable people, which
includes the poor, widows, orphans or any other marginalized individual. They
do not strive to rob these same people of their means for living, nor do they
make it hard for them to do the same.
They dont gentrify their neighborhoods, build and maintain stores that
stock food or supplies that the working poor cant aord, nor make it so utterly
impossible to have a normal life that poor families and individuals end up
leaving altogether to settle somewhere else.

17 I mention this because so many people (particularly those engaged in a fandom or very often in
gaming) often feel the need to be needlessly condescending and puerile when talking to someone
who does not share the same passion for these hobbies and interests.
18 Cf. La Rochefoucauld, Memoirs, XXVII, ch. 5, vv. 45., and Classe, Maxims, vol. 65 (1822).

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 Be aware of what comes out of your mouth. When someone tells you a
secret, never reveal it to anyone. Don't talk about someone behind their back,
and don't oer up anything private to a stranger or an interested party without
prior consent. In many cases, the secrets that a person shares with you are
more than intimate; they could have dire consequences for the health and well-
being of a person if they are revealed to a third party.19
Many great misfortunes in history, both public and private, resulted from
the careless exchange of top-secret information.
Do not curse in public. It's crude, unnecessary and it makes you look
stupid.
Do not be pretentious, condescending or snobby. This sort of behavior
immediately gives you away to everyone as laughably insecure.
The concept of 'free speech', for all of the pued-up rhetoric that has
arisen around its use, is not a doormat for you to use. The men and women
that fought and died in the service of this country never intended for the First
Amendment to be used in such a base and low way. Of course those very
thoughtless people spew forth bile on various social media services would argue
that free speech is for everyone, but what they really mean is that free speech
is for bigots like them and no one else.20
Respect people. Even though you may not agree with their unwarranted,
arrogant and oftentimes aggressive opinions, treat them with respect and
decency.
Give yourself opportunities to enjoy life. Start by taking a walk after you
read this chapter. Get some fresh air. Get your blood pumping. Enjoy nature in
a way that pleases youbut do so in a mindful way, especially if you're allergic
to flowers or tree pollen.

19 This notion has implications in professional situations, as well.

20My readers will no doubt guess who this person might be, but I will add for the sake of clarity that
this is more of an archetype rather than just one particular figure.

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 Every time that you're out and about is an opportunity to engage more
fully with the world. Turn o your devices and put them in your pocket or bag.
Being connected 24/7 to the Internet and very often to the insignificant and
meaningless babble of the social media world is not good for your mind, soul,
or pocketbook.
Acknowledge those times, either privately or publicly, where you are
profoundly wrong; doing so makes you more tolerant, but it also gives others
the chance to see that rare thing called humility.
Don't compare yourself to anyone. You are an accumulation of some of
the greatest elements ever known, a work of art that took millions of years to
create and many generations of evolution to refine. You cannot and will not
ever be anyone other than yourself. Those who endlessly recreate themselves in
various ways have found out that people tire of reinvention quickly if it's not
authentic. And very little of these reinventions are actually authentic.
Its not wise to make a wild experiment of ones lifeit doesnt pay well,
according to one very old etiquette book.21 Sadly, this is mostly true: those who
fail to right themselves through the dicult waters of adulthood often lead
sad, disconsolate lives, filled with confusion and meaninglessness. Dont let
your passions cloud the very real need for sustenance and survival. Dont
endlessly reinvent yourself. Certainly dont uproot yourself from the people
that love you and want to have you in their life. To deprive others of the joy of
having you as a friend, a partner, or even as a parent is the height of bad
manners, and in many cases, you can permanently damage a persons sense of
trust and security.
In all situations you should strive to be as dependable, as kind, as
generous, as humane, as loving, as compassionate, as empathic, and as wholly
yourself as you possibly can. It is not a great feat to ask, being kindbut it is a

21Cf. Manners, Etiquette and Conduct (1923), a brief but wondrously authoritative set of etiquette-
related maxims penned by a semi-anonymous Dean of the Chicago Girls Schools, otherwise some
very wise and evidently well-read authority on the subject of making a wild experiment of ones life.

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lifelong journey fraught with many diculties that will test your limits. You
should at least be prepared.
Finally: dont take yourself too seriously. No, there isnt anything so
terribly wrong with you. You are just fine. You are going to be OK. The world,
sadly, is full of people who are often so down on themselves for innumerable
reasons and very often they make life for others a joyless, monotonous place.
You will make lots of mistakes on your journey through life, but if you have a
little outside help and someone compassionate to understand you, then you
will promptly discover that whatever pretended notions of ineptitude and
stupidity you might have about yourself really dont exist.
The world, thankfully, is a beautiful place, but it is even more beautiful
when we are kind and compassionate to ourselves and one another.

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 J O E G A LV N i s a n a n t h r o p o l o g i s t ,
ethnomusicologist, writer, poet, and composer.

He lives in Portland, Oregon.

He can be reached at joe@daelis.com.

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