5 Keys to Consciously

Raise Your Children

By

Raising our children the conscious way

means that we turn the spotlight away from
fixing them and work on raising ourselves to
the highest level of consciousness possible.
Dr. Shefali

Copyright 2016

Conscious parenting challenges parents to connect to themselves first so that they can
then connect to their children. After all, if parents are living disconnected and disembodied
lives, how can they hope to connect to their children with empowerment, harmony and
grace?
The process of becoming conscious - as I outline in my book: The Awakened Family is a journey. It is a process of becoming aware includes having insight into what not to
do as much as what to do. Both need to happen simultaneously. The key to this process
is awareness of the present moment. This means that we train ourselves to engage with
our children in the here-and-now, fully in the reality of the present, detached from the past
and the future.
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Lets first take a look at the 3 main OBSTRUCTORS to intimacy and connection with
our children (and really, with anyone.) Unless we understand what stands in our way, we
wont know how to recognize our blind spots in the moment. It is only when we can spot
our triggers and say, Ah, I see you. I recognize you. that we will be able to combat them
with awareness and insight.
1) DISTRACTION: This is a no-brainer isnt it? We can all intuit how detrimental distraction can be. Sadly, we are more distracted in today's chaotic world than not. It is almost
as if we have lost the art of living un-distracted lives. Distraction is the norm of today's
world. We are constantly engaged in some mental or physical activity, one after the
other. We rarely sit still. We justify that we have dishes to clean, beds to make, chores
to finish, and bills to pay. While all these are well and true, the downside to being
constantly distracted is that we fail to tune into our children and truly see them for who
it is they are. Constantly on the go, we miss out on precious moments to connect to
them and bond with their essence. Unless we recognize how our distractions impede
our ability to stay present for our children, we wont learn ways to simplify our life and
create the space needed to connect with them.
2) ANXIETY: If there is a constant in the parenting process, it is this: anxiety. We are
constantly anxious about our childrens lives; either their present life or their future.
What does this anxiety look like? While I outline this in my book: THE AWAKENED
FAMILY in a more in-depth manner, here are some common ways anxiety manifests
in our childrens lives:
1) Micro-management
2) Hovering
3) Rescuing
4) Lecturing/sermonizing/opinionating
5) Controlling
We couch these anxious reactions as being in the best interests of our children. Little
do we realize that these are birthed from a place of deep fear from within us. We fear
their failure and try our hardest to protect them - and ourselves - from this potentiality.
Little do we realize that our fear of failure has nothing to do with failure itself and all to
do with our lack of faith in ourselves to handle it.
If only we understood that failure is inevitable in life, we would let go of the delusion
that we have the power to ward it off. It is only when we have a transformed understanding of failure and create a new relationship with it that we will be able to help our
children feel empowered in the face of it. Of course, this requires that we are fully
empowered ourselves.
3) REACTIVITY: If there is anything that gets in the way of our relationship with our children it is our reactivity. Why? Because once we have reacted, it is out there, in the
space between our children and ourselves, clogging our ability to interact from our

hearts. Undoing our reactivity is not the easiest thing in the world. This is why it behooves us to pay attention to our triggers before we react so that we dont add more
chaos to the storm which only becomes harder to undo later.

It is imperative that we understand that our reactivity stems from one place only: fear.
Once we are in touch with our fear - on the deepest level (as described thoroughly in
my book: THE AWAKENED FAMILY), we will be able to be aware of it without letting
it take us over like a storm. It is at this deepest level of awareness - of our core fears
- that we understand ourselves. Until these deep layers are uncovered, we will be
forever hostage to the circumstances around us.

Awareness of how our inner life influences our external world is

the first and most pivotal step toward a transformed relationship
with our children. Dr. Shefali
Now that we have identified some of the main barriers of intimacy in our relationship
with our children lets take a look at ways we can strengthen our connection them.
Here are 5 CONSCIOUS KEYS to improving the relationship with your children. These
are just the start to this process of conscious parenting. For more insights, read my book:
The Awakened Family - A Revolution In Parenting

1) ATTUNE AND EMOTIONALLY ATTACH TO YOUR CHILD: One of the core psychic
needs of children is attachment. Attachment to whom? To a consistent and reliable
caregiver; one who is safe, secure and accepting. To form this deep attachment to
our children, requires that we parents be highly attuned to them on a daily basis. What
does attunement mean? It means that we are consistently tuned into what best serves
our childrens emotional growth at all times. This means, of course, that our eyes need
to be tuned to their needs versus the needs of our own inner child. This is why it is so
important that we do our own emotional healing so that the needs of our own inner
child are attended to. In this way, we do not look to others - especially our children to meet our needs for us.
This level of psychic attachment and attunement is the foundation of a connected relationship with our children. Of course, this does not develop overnight. Instead, it is a
muscle that must be built on a daily basis. It takes a daily commitment and practice to
attend to this muscle. It is through practices of mindfulness and daily awareness that
we can go inward, detach from our reactions and begin to tune into the needs of our
children.
When we are present with our children we allow them to rely on us being their support
system. This, in turn, creates resilience and empowerment as they know they have a
soft spot to fall on should they need to. Their attachment to us creates the foundation
of all their subsequent attachments. The healthier and more secure their attachment
to us, the healthier their later attachments will be.
2) ACCEPT THE AS IS: Most of us think we are raising our children as they are, when
in fact we are nowhere close. Instead of tuning into them - as they are - in their asisness - we interact with them according to our fantasies of them. Most of us parents
live in a movie-version of who our kids are versus who they actually are. Unless we
can dip into our childrens as-is-ness, in the here-and-now, we will be unable to proceed forward.

Letting go of the movie-version of our children is unbearable for many of us parents.

Clinging to our fantasy-children, we are unable to enter the reality of who our children
are in the present moment. Ever-hopeful of converting our child into that fantasy-version, we seek to endlessly micro-manage, over-produce and fix them. In doing so, this
inevitably creates disconnection between ourselves and them. After all, who wants to
constantly feel as if who they are is not good-enough? Surely, none of us adults do.
So why is it that we presume our children will thrive under our constant control, management and critique?
Just like us, our children too, thrive best when they intuitively know that they will be
accepted for who it is they are. It is in this space - of absolute and unconditional ac-

ceptance - that they will begin to blossom into the most authentic version of themselves. Many may mistake this to mean an indulgence of sorts. Far from it. This approach has nothing to do with spoiling our kids or raising them to be entitled. Instead
this approach is all about best meeting our childrens psycho-emotional-spiritual
needs. This can only happen when we parents let go of how we think things ought to
be and instead enter into the present moment with a determined acceptance of how
they actually are.
3) CULTIVATE PRESENT MOMENT AWARENESS: Adults and children seem to live in
two different time zones. Adults live in the past or future while children live in the present. It is because of this clash of time zones that we experience much disconnection
and dysfunction with our children.
The reason it is inordinately hard for us parents to enter the present moment with our
children is because we are riddled with anxiety, born out of a deep rooted fear. This
fear - manifesting as anxiety - emerges from our old, unmet needs of childhood. Either
because of the way our parents treated us or did not treat us, we ended up feeling as
if who it is we are - inherently are - is simply not enough. Filled with a diet of unworthiness, we now operate out of a constant desire to compensate for this sense of inner
lack. Quite naturally, this inner lack spills onto our outer worlds and in turn we project
this onto our children.
How does this look in the present moment? Lets take a common example: Our children are eating on the table. They are having fun as children often do. You enter the
room. What do you notice? The fun or the big mess they have made on the table? If
your answer is the latter, it is quite likely that your attention goes to the lack because
you are feeling anxious. You are probably thinking, look at these unruly children! They
are being disobedient/lazy/clumsy/immature. This voice of lack causes you to project
this unhappiness onto them which in turn causes you to yell/scold/threaten/punish
them, which in turn causes them to feel shame/guilt/lesser-thanand so the cycle
continues, on and on. You think to yourself, When they grow up they are going to
continue being unruly and defiant and as a result will be dregs of society, or some
other unbecoming thought about their dismal future. Or you might have a thought from
the past, such as, I should have made a different choice when they were young
These kinds of thoughts inevitably create shame and guilt within us. As they are rooted
in the past or the future, they quite naturally abduct us from the present moment and
create a disruption in our ability to be present to our children.
If instead, were we able to live in the present moment, we would enter the room and
silently bear witness to their as-is state, in this case, we would observe their mess.
However, instead of choosing to go down the route of blame and shame, and entertaining ideas about their bleak future or the dismal past, we would plant ourselves in
the present moment. Once we are in the present moment, we then observe all of the
present moment and in doing so, we notice the abundance as equally as the lack.
Here, we might find humor in their glee, joy in their spontaneity, and gratitude in their
ability to have fun. Or we might find ways to create solutions with them instead of
barking orders at them. We realize that engaging in the present moment creates a
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freedom to ease into the as-isness of the present moment without a panic to change
or control anything.
It is in these ways that entering present-moment awareness allows us to engage with
our children from a heart-space that is full of open acceptance rather than from one
that is closed off with fear and dread about the future.
Whenever we are in a state of lack, we are not present in this moment. If we were
present in this moment, we would be fully here, in the as-is-ness of this moment, fully
engaged and present. We would not have time or space to even think about anything
else. This is how present we would be. However, because we are not trained to live in
the present moment, our anxieties take our minds all over the place, in our hopes to
release some of the built-up stress. It is here - in our distractions and disembodied
presence - that our children feel grossly misunderstood and even, lonely and isolated
from us. They keep saying to us, Hey mommy, daddy, here I am! Can you stop being
so busy? Can you stop focusing on the past and the future and just be here with me
right now?
If only we could heed our childrens call to live in the present, they will lead us to our
most awakened selves.
4) MAKE THE SHIFT FROM CORRECTION TO CONNECTION: Most of us were raised
under the archaic model of parenting that stressed parental control and power. As a
result, we are conditioned to believe that this is the only way to raise children and in
fact, we believe that we would be bad parents for daring to raise them any other way.
Our modus operandi is to correct, correct, correct. All day long we bark out one command after another. Akin to a drill sergeant, we order our children night and day, hoping that all these commands will translate into success and happiness as adults.
As parents we have been glorified as the ones who hold all the power. We believe this
to be true and with a heavy dose of mighty indignation we believe that it is our right to
fix, produce and manage our children. Little do we realize that no human being, least
of all our children learn through heavy-handed control and admonishment. Just as we
detest being bossed around at work, so it is with our children - they too resent being
constantly micro-managed and controlled.
It is only when we move away from our knee-jerk desire to correct our children adnauseam and instead, shift our energy to first connecting with them that we will bear
the sweetest fruit. Just as we wish to be treated with respect by our bosses and superiors at work, so it is with our children. Just as we wish to be honored for our positive
qualities instead of constantly being shamed about our limitations, so it is with our
children. Just as we are motivated best when someone believes in us versus rushes
to judge or critique us, so it is with our children.

When parents remember that connection should always trump

correction, they will reap many rewards. Dr. Shefali
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Their children will come to rely on them as stable providers and consistent nurturers
of their spirit. Instead of wasting valuable energy defending themselves against their
parents, children will be free to use their energy to focus on what feeds their soul. It is
only when children are allowed to connect to their own inner soul that they will unleash
their creative potential and find the resilience to weather lifes inevitable storms.
Instead of entering our childrens spaces and correcting them endlessly, we need to
take a deep pause and look for the yes in the moment, instead of heading straight to
the no. It is only when we connect to our childrens beauty and abundance - no matter
their behavior - that they will connect to their own. It is from this place of yes-ness
that they will find their boundaries and discipline themselves; not because we told them
to but because they feel called to.
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Many of you reading this may wonder how you can raise children without correction or
discipline. If you have read my books, you will understand that I am not advocating
a correction-less childhood or a boundary-less childhood. On the contrary. What I am
suggesting is a parenting style that is so present and attuned to the child before us
that the parent is able to create boundaries and containment with the child - not from
a place of power or hierarchy - but instead, from mutual kinship and deep relatedness.
Instead of exerting control over the child, the conscious parent guides the child to
discover their own sense of inner control - no matter how long this process takes.
Awakened to the understanding that each person thrives best when they are the captains of their own ship, this approach resists the desire to over-manage the child and
instead, challenges parents to wear the role of parent with patience and disciplined
diligence. In this way, they allow the child to unfold into their own stewardship and
sovereignty. This approach is fully grounded in the awareness that a child who feels
empowered to express themselves authentically is one who will eventually learn to
self-discipline far better and more effectively than if they had been micro-managed into
doing so by their parents.

5) MOVE AWAY FROM MAINSTREAM: If there is one huge takeaway from my new
book: The Awakened Family - A Revolution in Parenting, it is this: In order to shift
the parenting paradigm, you will need to walk away from the traditional and mainstream models of parenting and living. The conscious parenting approach runs contrary to the traditional approach. On many levels the two are indeed mutually exclusive.
For example, a parent of a two-year old asked me to help him give his two-year old a
time out. When I unequivocally declared that I could not partake in the discussion - not
even entertain the idea - he was shocked at my clarity and decisiveness. The reason
I could be so unequivocal is because I have come to understand that the mainstream
models of parenting subscribe - on one level or another - to parental dominance and
control. It relies on stroking the parental ego at the expense of the childs spirit - and
this is simply 100% unacceptable in conscious parenting.
It is only when we parents dare to walk away from mainstreams way and entertain a
new way of parenting and living that we will truly walk beside our children, spirit to
spirit.
What does it mean to walk away from mainstream ways? It means that we need to
redefine our entire understanding of what it means to be successful, happy, good,
compliant, rebellious, etc. Traditional definitions do not work in the new way.
It is time to create a new mainstream of what childhood means. It is only then that we
will liberate our children from the grasp of our unconsciousness and set them free.

For more insights, read my book: The Awakened Family - A Revolution in Parenting

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