HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER

"Papa Ted"

written by
Chris Thomas

FIRST DRAFT: 8/29/11

SECOND DRAFT: 8/31/11

Phone: 708-227-7023
E-mail: presidentpuck@yahoo.com

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER

"Episode Title"

CAST
TED....................................................JOSH RADNOR
MARSHALL...............................................JASON SEGEL
LILY...............................................ALYSON HANNIGAN
BARNEY.........................................NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
ROBIN...............................................COBIE SMULDERS
NARRATOR.................................................BOB SAGET

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER

"Episode Title"

INTERIORS:

EXTERIORS:

ACT ONE
FADE IN:
1

INT. STUDY - EVENING, YEAR 2029

(NARRATOR, SON, DAUGHTER)

TEDS 14 YEAR OLD SON AND 16 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER SIT ON THE
COUCH STARRING AT THEIR FATHER, LISTENING WITH LITTLE
INTEREST AS HE TALKS TO THEM.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Kids, now you remember when I
convinced your Aunt Robin to take that
research job with World Wide News
instead of...
SON
Becoming the coin flip bimbo?
DAUGHTER
They prefer currency rotation
specialist.
NARRATOR
Right.

Anyway, well, it turns out

that I was very glad she ended up

listening to me.
2

INT. BAR - NIGHT (1)

(TED, MARSHALL, LILY, BARNEY, ROBIN)
BARNEY, ROBIN, MARSHALL, AND LILY ARE SITTING AT THEIR
REGULAR BOOTH WHEN TED COMES RUSHING IN. HIS APPEARANCE IS
DISHEVELLED AT BEST.
MARSHALL
Are you alright Ted, you look...
BARNEY
Used.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "PAPA TED"

2.

TED
You guys are never going to believe
what happened tonight.

I need a

drink.
TED STANDS UP TO GET A DRINK BUT THE LINE IS TOO LONG. HE
SITS DOWN, REACHES OVER AND TAKES BARNEYS AND DOWNS IT.
BARNEY
Thats alright buddy, take mine.
LILY
So whats so bad that youre willing
to share a drink with New Yorks
living petri dish?
TED FINISHES THE DRINK AND SETS DOWN THE GLASS, REACHES INTO
HIS POCKET AND PULLS OUT A PHOTO.
TED
(SLAPPING DOWN A PHOTO)
Well, apparently this is my son.
EVERYONE LEANS OVER TO LOOK AT THE PICTURE, AND LILY GRABS IT
PULLING IT IN FOR A CLOSER LOOK.
LILY
Are you sure?
TED
Well Im not but she seems confident.
ROBIN
Who is she?
CUT TO:
PHOTO MONTAGE OF TED AND BECKY RUNS ACROSS THE SCREEN AS THE
NARRATOR TALKS.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "PAPA TED"

3.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
She was Becky Elpus, my first serious
girlfriend after graduating college
and moving to the city.

We were both

young, new to the New York and crazy

for each other.

But in the long run,

it turns out that she was just crazy.

CUT TO:
3

INT. BECKYS APARTMENT, YEAR 2001 - NIGHT

(TED, BECKY)

BECKY AND TED ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH WATCHING A MOVIE.

TEDS PHONE RINGS AND HE STANDS UP TO ANSWER IT.
BECKY
(Yelling)
Who is she Ted, I deserve to know!
TED
Hold on Mom.
TED TURNS AND LOOKS AT BECKY, WHO STANDS UP AND SMILES, THEN
LUNGES FORWARD AND RIPS THE PHONE FROM HIS HANDS.
BECKY
Who is this! (PAUSE) Oh, hi Ms.
Mosbey.
CUT TO:
4

INT. BAR - NIGHT (1)

(TED, MARSHALL, BARNEY, LILY, ROBIN, MAURY POVICH)
LILY STARES AT THE PICTURE CLOSE UP AS TED CONTINUES.
MARSHALL
Ah Becky.

She had the crazy eyes.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "PAPA TED"

4.

TED
Well, we broke up like eight years
ago, but she swears this is my son.
LILY LOOKS AT TED THEN THE PICTURE, THEN TED AGAIN.
LILY
He doesnt even look like you.
MARSHALL
Thank God you have an eye doctor
appointment tomorrow.
LILY
Marshall, my eyes are fine.
ROBIN
Lily, if you were any closet to that
picture it would...
ROBIN LOOKS AROUND FOR HELP TO FINISH HER JOKE.
JUST STARES BACK BLANKLY AT HER.
ROBIN (CONTD)
I got nothing.

I dont need to

entertain you people.

TED
Guys, I really dont know what to do
here. I am kinda freaking out.

What

if I have a son?
BARNEY
Ted get serious.

Youre not a Dad.

TED
How can you be so sure Barney?

EVERYONE

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "PAPA TED"

5.

BARNEY
Oh, Im not, but if she catches you
freaking out like this that kid, and
his child support, are as good as
yours.

So start acting confident, be

strong, be a man, and deny deny deny.

TED
Maybe I should take a DNA test.
MARSHALL
Oo, oo, maybe we can get you guys
on...
TED
I am not going on Maury, Marshall.
MAURY POVICH IS AT THE BOOTH BEHIND THE GANG. UPON HEARING
TED SAY THIS, HE STANDS UP AND WALKS TOWARDS THE DOOR.
MAURY
You know I have to make a living too.
MARSHALL
That guy is everywhere.
TED
What would you guys do?
ROBIN
Listen to Barney.

Deny, deny, deny.

LILY
Ted no, what if its your son?

Would

you want him to grow up without a dad?

EVERYONE TURNS TO LOOK AT BARNEY

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "PAPA TED"

6.

BARNEY
Oh sure, you expect me to chime in
here because I grew up without a dad.
BARNEY LOOKS LIKE HE IS GOING TO CRY.
BARNEY (CONTD)
Well, Im not going to get involved.
BARNEY REACHES FOR HIS DRINK. HE PICKS IT UP, REALIZES IT IS
EMPTY, GRABS THE GLASS, GETS UP AND HEADS TO THE BAR.
ROBIN
So what are you going to do Ted?
REACHES ACROSS AND GRABS THE PHOTO FROM LILY.
TED
No Robin, not what I am going to do,
what are we going to do.

Come with

me, I need your help.

TED GRABS ROBINS HAND AND BASICALLY PULLS HER UP AND OUT OF
THE BOOTH. THEY WALK OVER BY THE BAR AND START TALKING ONE
ON ONE. LILY PICKS UP THE TABLE TOP MENU AND READS IT OUT
LOUD, HOLDING IT CLOSE TO HER FACE.
LILY
Sweet, they have nachos tonight.
MARSHALL GRABS IT FROM LILY AND READS IT HIMSELF, THEN PUTS
IT BACK ON THE TABLE.
MARSHALL
That says No cover any night.
DISSOLVE TO:
5

INT. EYE DOCTORS OFFICE - DAY (2)

(MARSHALL, LILY, DOCTOR FISHER)
MARSHALL AND LILY ARE SITTING IN THE EXAM ROOM. LILY IS IN
THE CHAIR WAITING FOR HER EXAM, WHILE MARSHALL WALKS AROUND
THE ROOM LOOKING AT THE POSTERS.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "PAPA TED"

7.

MARSHALL
I dont see what the big deal is about
coming here anyway Lily?
LILY
Says the guy with 20-20 vision.
MARSHALL
Well, I dont like to brag, but that
is a 1974 dime over there.
MARSHALL WALKS ACROSS THE ROOM, BENDS OVER AND PICKS UP THE
DIME. HE FLIPS IT IN THE AIR, CATCHES IT AND PUTS IT IN HIS
POCKET AS THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. DR. FISHER ENTERS.
DR. FISHER
Well, what do we have here.
LILY
What? What is it?

Whats wrong?

DOCTOR FISHER AND MARSHALL JUST STARE AT LILY FOR A MOMENT.

DR. FISHER
Nothing.
MARSHALL
Shes just a little nervous doctor.
DR. FISHER
Well dont be, Ive done dozens of
exams since I graduated yesterday.
DR. FISHER LAUGHS OUT LOUD AS HE PREPS FOR THE EXAM.
MARSHALL IS SMILING, BUT STOPS WHEN LILY SHOOTS HIM A LOOK.
DR. FISHER (CONTD)
So what brought you in?

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "PAPA TED"

8.

LILY
Well, I occasionally get a few things
wrong while reading.
SMASH CUT TO:
6

INT. LILYS CLASSROOM - DAY

(LILY, KINDERGARTEN STUDENTS)

LILY SITS IN A CHAIR WITH THE KIDS IN FRONT OF HER ON THE

FLOOR. SHE IS READING A BOOK TO THEM, HOLDING IT OUT SO THEY
CAN SEE THE PICTURES, BUT SHE IS STRUGGLING TO READ IT.
LILY
And so the chick waddled by, on his
way to see duck, at once with the
duck, they decided to ph...
LILY STARTS TO SAY THE WORD FUCK AND AFTER SHE GETS THE
FIRST TWO LETTERS OUT IT CUTS AWAY.
RESET TO:
7

INT. EYE DOCTORS OFFICE - DAY (2)

(MARSHALL, LILY, DOCTOR FISHER)
DR. FISHER IS DROPPED JAWED AND MARSHALL IS GIGGLING.
DR. FISHER
You didnt.
MARSHALL
She did.
LILY
Every day I correct at least one kid.
DR. FISHER
So you get a few things wrong, we can
work with that.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "PAPA TED"

9.

MARSHALL
Yea, if by a few you mean many and by
things you mean important details.
LILY AGAIN SHOOTS HIM A VERY MEAN LOOK.
MARSHALL (CONTD)
But youre the doctor, you decide who
can see and who shouldnt be allowed
behind the wheel of a motorized
vehicle.
DR. FISHER TURNS AROUND AND DIMS THE LIGHTS IN THE ROOM,
TURNS ON A PROJECTOR THAT DISPLAYS LETTERS ON THE WALL.
DOCTOR FISHER
Alright Lily, what can you read up
there?
LILY
Um...well...
MARSHALL
Come on Lily, its OK.

Just read the

lines you can.

LILY
I think that top one is a G
THE TOP LINE IS CLEARLY AN E. BOTH DR. FISHER AND MARSHALL
LOOK AT LILY, THEN AT THE WALL, THEN AT LILY, THEN THE WALL.
DOCTOR FISHER
Youre messing with me, right?
LILY NOW SHOOTS DOCTOR FISHER A DIRTY LOOK.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "PAPA TED"

10.

DR. FISHER
By your death stare I assume youre
being serious, so lets figure out
just what you need to do to be able to
see a little better, and legally ride
the subway without assistance.
CUT TO:
8

INT. ROBINS OFFICE - DAY (2)

(TED, ROBIN)
TED AND ROBIN WALK INTO HER OFFICE AT WORLD WIDE NEWS.
ROBIN
I cant believe you convinced me to
bring you here Ted.
TED
Well remember when I convinced you to
take this job and you said Oh Ted
thank you, how can I ever repay you?
ROBIN
I never said that.
TED
Well you should have.
ROBIN
I wanted to be the coin flip bimbo.
TED
Well youre not, so lets get back to
you repaying your debt to me.
ROBIN
I dont owe you anything.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "PAPA TED"

11.

TED
Like I said, Ill call it even if you
can get your research team to help me
figure out if this kid is mine or not.
ROBIN
Ted, you want me to ask New Yorks,
no, the nations finest journalistic
researchers to drop what they are
doing and help you figure out if you
knocked up a girl back in 2001?
TED
You can at least ask.
ROBIN BEGINS TO WALK AWAY.
ROBIN
You can ask them if you want, but I
guarantee that they will say...
CUT TO:
9

INT. RESEARCH ROOM - DAY (2)

(TED, ROBIN, RESEARCHERS #1, #2, #3, MAURY, TWO MEN)

THREE GUYS ARE SITTING AROUND A CONFERENCE TABLE AND TED AND
ROBIN ARE STANDING AT THE HEAD OF IT.
RESEARCHER #1
Hell yes.
RESEARCHER #2
Im in.
RESEARCHER #3
Me too, but why not just go on Maury?

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "PAPA TED"

TED
Maurys trash and Im better than
that.
MAURY POVICH IS THE HALLWAY BEHIND TED.
MAURY
Oh, so now you think youre better
than me?
MAURY SHAKES HIS HEAD AND WALKS AWAY.
ROBIN
Wait, you guys really want to do this?
RESEARCHER #2
Robin, Ive spent eight hours a day
for the past month looking up stats
and figures on the migratory patterns
of African honeybees for some safari
documentary that Maury is narrating.
This is a welcome change.
TED
This is awesome!

So what do you guys

need to know to get started?

RESEARCHER #3
Anything you got Ted.

Names,

addresses, social security numbers.

RESEARCHER #1
I already have Teds
TED
Thats impossible, there is no way...

12.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "PAPA TED"

13.

RESEARCHER # 1 WRITES ON A PIECE OF PAPER AS TED IS TALKING.

HE FINISHES AND HOLDS IT OUT FOR TED TO GRAB. TED LOOKS AT
THE PAPER.
TED (CONTD)
Is that last number a five?
RESEARCHER # 1 SHAKES HIS HEAD YES.
SPEECHLESS.

TED STANDS THERE

ROBIN
I told you that we are the best.
END OF ACT ONE

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "PAPA TED"

14.

ACT TWO
FADE IN:
10

INT. EYE DR.S OFFICE - DAY (2)

(BARNEY, ROBIN, TED, NARRATOR)
MARSHALL AND LILY ARE LOOKING AT DIFFERENT GLASSES FRAMES,
TRYING ON SOME AND TALKING WITH EACH OTHER.
MARSHALL
What do you think of these Lily?
MARSHALL PUTS ON WHAT ARE CLEARLY LADIES GLASSES.
LILY
For me or for you?
MARSHALL
What? Are you kidding? You must be
kidding. These glasses look great on
me.
LILY
No, they dont.

They would look great

on Elton John in 1970, but not on you

Marshmallow.
LILY PUTS ON A PAIR OF GLASSES.
LILY (CONTD)
Here, what about these?
MARSHALL
Ooo, these make you look like a cute
singer-songwriter guitar player who
should be rocking out a coffee house
in Greenwich Village.

10

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "PAPA TED"

15.

LILY
Aww, thanks sweetie.
LILY TAKES THEM OFF AND LOOKS AT THE PRICE TAG ON THE SIDE OF
THE FRAMES. SHE FREAKS OUT AND SLOWLY BEGINS THE PROCESS OF
LOWERING THEM BACK ONTO THE DISPLAY.
LILY (CONTD)
For that price you would have to be a
rock-star to be wearing them.
MARSHALL
Oh come on Lily, they cant be that
much.
MARSHALL PICKS UP THE GLASSES, LOOKS AT THE PRICE AND STARTS
TO SLOWLY LOWER THEM DOWN JUST LIKE LILY.
MARSHALL (CONTD)
Please dont break on your way to the
display...please dont break.
CUT TO:
11

INT. TED & ROBINS APARTMENT - DAY (2)

(TED, BARNEY)

11

TED IS SITS ON THE COUCH LOOKING AT A PHOTO ALBUM WHEN THERE

IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. HE GETS UP TO ANSWER IT AND BARNEY
COMES BUSTING THROUGH CARRYING A CLIPBOARD.
BARNEY
Have no fear Ted Im here to help you.
TED
Barney, no offense, but you may be the
last person I would come to for help.
BARNEY
Ted, I am hurt.
friend...

As your best

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "PAPA TED"

16.

TED
Marshalls my best friend.
BARNEY
Sure he is Ted. Anyway, more
importantly than being your best
friend, as the best friend to
thousands of women in New York City,
you dont think that I have suffered
through a pregnancy scare of two?
TED NODS IN AGREEMENT, BUT SUDDENLY LOOKS AT BARNEY CONFUSED.
TED
Wait, I thought you said youve never
had a pregnancy scare.
BARNEY PUSHES TED ONTO THE COUCH AND SITS IN THE CHAIR.
BARNEY
Well I am glad you asked how I can
help.

This kind of emergency requires

a specific seven step plan of action.

BARNEY BRINGS HIS CLIPBOARD UP AND TAKES A PEN OUT OF HIS
SUIT.
BARNEY (CONTD)
Step number one, are you sure you
slept with this girl?
TED
Yes Barney.

My resume doesnt run as

deep as yours.

I know all of the

names of the girls Ive slept with.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "PAPA TED"

17.

BARNEY
Aww, that is just sad, but one problem
at a time Ted.

So you did bang her,

right?
TED
We did more than bang, we dated for
more than a year.
BARNEY
Check.

Then onto step two.

We need

to find a doctor with questionable,

what do you call it?
TED
Morals? Ethics?
BARNEY
Exactly.

To Dr. Gunderson!

BARNEY GRABS HIS CLIPBOARD AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR. TED
REMAINS ON THE COUCH, MOTIONLESS. BARNEY GETS THROUGH THE
DOOR BUT TED STILL REMAINS. BARNEY POPS BACK IN.
BARNEY (CONTD)
Ted, lets roll.
TED
Barney, Im not sure...
BARNEY
Damn it Ted, do you want to be a daddy
or do you want to do more girls with
daddy issues?
TED
Neither sounds ideal.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "PAPA TED"

18.

BARNEY
But if you had to pick one.
BARNEY STARES AT TED, SMILING, WAITING FOR AN ANSWER. HE
DOESNT GET ONE, BUT TED STANDS UP AND WALKS TOWARDS THE
DOOR.
BARNEY (CONTD)
To Dr. Gunderson!
CUT TO:
12

INT. DR.S GUNDERSONS - DAY (2)

(TED, BARNEY, NURSE)
BARNEY AND TED ARE SITTING ON CHAIRS IN THE WAITING ROOM.
TED IS HOLDING A CLIPBOARD, FILLING OUT PAPERWORK.
TED
Barney, the questions on this sheet
seem to have nothing to do with, well,
anything of a medical nature.
BARNEY
For example?
TED
Alright, why does Dr. Gunderson need
to know if I have ever been convicted
of a felony, or otherwise would have
my DNA entered into a police data
system?

Or, how about this one.

Are you willing to sell your sperm,

blood or plasma to help other patients
like yourself?

12

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "PAPA TED"

19.

BARNEY
He is just a very caring doctor.

Now

check yes and be a team player Ted.

TED
Im not sure this is a team I want to
be on Barney.
BARNEY
Well maybe you shouldnt have entered
the daddy duties draft then, but now
youre on the squad and its your job
to help others get off the team Ted,
so that, well, we can get off again.
A NURSE ENTERS THE WAITING ROOM.
NURSE
Jed Throwsby?
TED LOOKS AROUND AND NO ONE ELSE IS MOVING, SO HE STARTS TO
SPEAK.
TED
Im...
TED IS CUT OFF BY BARNEY.
BARNEY
This is Jed. Lets go Jed, on your
feet.
TED
(to Barney)
You checked me in under a fake name?

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "PAPA TED"

20.

BARNEY
Come on Jed, this isnt exactly the
type of establishments where you use
your real...well, anything.
TED AND BARNEY GET UP AND BEGIN WALKING BACK TO THE EXAM
ROOM.
NURSE
Larney?
BARNEY
Well Nurse Paula, it is my pleasure.
NURSE
Oh good, I thought it might be your
jerk of twin Barney.
BARNEY
Him?

I havent seen him in months.

CUT TO:

13

INT. BAR- DAY (2)

(MARSHALL, LILY, ROBIN)

13

MARSHALL AND LILY SIT AT THEIR BOOTH DRINKING, BOTH WEARING

GLASSES, WHEN ROBIN COMES IN AND JOINS THEM.
ROBIN
Well Lily Aldgrin you finally did it,
you broke down and got specs.
LILY
Yup, all thanks to my nagging,
intelligent looking husband Marshall.
MARSHALL
Well I do what I can.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "PAPA TED"

ROBIN
Wait Marshall, I thought you had
perfect 20/20 vision?
MARSHALL
Oh I do. (TAKES OFF HIS GLASSES) So
good in fact that I can tell by
looking at the piece of dried up crud
in the corner of your mouth that you
had a chicken sandwich for lunch.
ROBIN IMMEDIATELY WIPES HER MOUTH WITH HER HAND.
MARSHALL (CONTD)
With mustard.
ROBIN
So whats up with the glasses then?
LILY
Because he thinks that they make him
look...
MARSHALL
Intelligent.
LILY
He got one little detail wrong at work
and everyone is picking on him.
MARSHALL
It wasnt one little detail Lily.
DRAMATICALLY TAKES OFF HIS GLASSES.

21.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "PAPA TED"

22.

MARSHALL (CONTD)
Oh, it was more than a little detail.
DISSOLVE TO:
14

INT. GNB CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

14
(MARSHALL, BARNEY, THREE BANK EXECUTIVES, VIDEO CONFERENCE
EXECUTIVE, MEGAN AND APRIL)
MARSHALL, BARNEY AND THREE OTHERS ARE SITTING AROUND THE
CONFERENCE TABLE READING REPORTS.
MARSHALL
So, we you can see in article 7.1 of
section three, everything is all set
to go in GNBs new office of
BARNEY
Prostitution?
MARSHALL
What?
MARSHALL LOOKS AT THE REPORT AS DOES EVERYONE ELSE.
BARNEY
Marshall, Im not sure this bank
should be running a house of ill
repute.

But if the plans do go

through, I would be happy to run it.

MARSHALL
That is a typo, it is suppose to say
proposals. Damn you auto correct!
EXECUTIVE #2
No big deal man, its not like you
already sent this to the board.
FREEZE FRAME.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "PAPA TED"

23.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
He did.
VIDEO CONFERENCE SCREEN TURNS ON AND A MAN IN A SUIT APPEARS
WITH TWO GIRLS BEHIND HIM.
VIDEO SUIT GUY
Erickson!
MARSHALL
Yes Sir?
VIDEO SUIT GUY
This is Megan and April.

They want to

apply for the new openings?

MARSHALL
What new openings sir?
MEGAN
At the Office of Prostitution silly.
EVERYONE LAUGHS EXCEPT MARSHALL.
BARNEY
Actually sir, Marshall made a mistake.
MARSHALL
Thanks Barney.
BARNEY
He wont be running that office, you
ladies can apply with me.

In person.
RESET TO BAR:

15

INT. BAR- DAY (2)

(MARSHALL, LILY, ROBIN)

15

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "PAPA TED"

24.

MARSHALL
And it just wasnt in the conference
room that day, Ive been taking crap
about it for weeks.
CUT TO:
16

INT. MARSHALLS OFFICE - DAY

(MARSHALL, HOOKER, BARNEY)

16

MARSHALL IS SITTING AT HIS DESK TYPING ON HIS COMPUTER WHEN A

SCANTILY CLAD WOMAN KNOCKS ON THE DOOR AND ENTERS.
LADY IN DOOR
Are you Marshall Erickson?
MARSHALL
Yes.
SHE WALKS TO HIS DESK AND DROPS A HANDFUL OF PHOTOS DOWN.
MARSHALL PICKS THEM UP TO LOOK AT THEM.
LADY IN DOOR
Im here to apply for the job opening.
As you can see, I am more than
qualified for the position at the new
office of prostitution.
MARSHALL LOOKS AT THE PHOTOS BARELY LISTENING TO HER, TURNS
ONE SIDEWAYS, AND GETS A DISGUSTED LOOK ON HIS FACE.
MARSHALL
Oh God.
dirty.

Oh my.

Wow, that is just

Lily wouldnt even let me talk

about doing that.

Barney?
BARNEY ENTERS THE OFFICE.

Wait, is that

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "PAPA TED"

25.

BARNEY
Why yes it is, thanks for noticing.
REACHING INTO HIS WALLET, BARNEY PULLS OUT A WAD OF CASH AND
HANDS IT TO THE LADY.
BARNEY (CONTD)
Here you go sweetie, well worth the
$500.
LADY IN DOOR
Whatever gets you off pal.
SHE WALKS OUT OF THE OFFICE AND BARNEY TURNS TO MARSHALL.
BARNEY
Office of Prostitution.

Hilarious!

Can I get those photos back?

RESET TO BAR:
17

INT. BAR- DAY (2)

(MARSHALL, LILY, ROBIN)
MARSHALL
Im hoping these glasses will distract
from my one, horrible mistake.
ROBIN
You think glasses are going to get
them to forget about it?
MARSHALL
Fact, defendants who wear glasses are
five times less likely to serve jail
time and three times less likely to
even stand trial. Lawyered.

17

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "PAPA TED"

26.

ROBIN
Really? Wow, I guess I never knew
that.
MARSHALL
Its a lie, I just made it up.

But

would you have believed me if I wasnt

wearing the glasses.
ROBIN
Youre an idiot.
ROBINS PHONE RINGS.
BY THE BAHA MEN.

HER RINGTONE IS WHO LET THE DOGS OUT

LILY

Who Let the Dogs Out?

DIGGING THROUGH HER PURSE, ROBIN IS DESPERATELY TRYING TO
FIND HER PHONE.
MARSHALL
And you called me an idiot.
ROBIN FINDS HER PHONE AND ANSWERS IT.
ROBIN
Hello. (PAUSE) Really? (PAUSE) Ill
call him and well come on in.
SHE HANGS UP AND TOSSES THE PHONE BACK IN HER PURSE.
ROBIN (CONTD)
That was Phil from research.

They got

something. I better call Ted.

LILY
Guess they know if he let the dogs out
or not.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "PAPA TED"

27.

MARSHALL AND ROBIN JUST STARE AT LILY

CUT TO:
18

INT. DOCTORS OFFICE- DAY (2)

(TED, BARNEY, DOCTOR GUNDERSON)

18

TED SITS ON THE TABLE READING A LETTER WHILE BARNEY AND DR.
GUNDERSON STAND NEARBY. TED READS IT OUT LOUD.
TED
And unfortunately, due to a pitching
machine accident suffered during the
Major Moose Baseball Tournament in
Saskatchewan, Ted Mosbey was rendered
unable to conceive at the age of 17.
DR. GUNDERSON AND BARNEY ARE SMILING AS TED LOOKS DISGUSTED.
TED (CONTD)
This is your idea to clear my name?
BARNEY
Its brilliant, isnt it?
DR. GUNDERSON
Plus, with my seal of approval, it
will hold up in most courts.
TED
Most?
DR. GUNDERSON
Well, if she files suit in Colorado,
it wont hold water.

Im not allowed

to practice medicine there.

TEDS PHONE RINGS

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "PAPA TED"

28.

DR. GUNDERSON (CONTD)

Or even cross the state line.
HE ANSWERS IT.
TED
Hello (PAUSE).

Oh my god, really?

Ill meet you there.

TED HOPS OFF THE TABLE, HANDS BARNEY THE LETTER AND HEADS FOR
THE DOOR.
TED (CONTD)
That was Robin, her researchers have
an answer for me.
TED WALKS OUT.
BARNEY
Is this one Word, because I would love
a copy of this.
DR. GUNDERSON SMILES AND NODS.
CUT TO:
19

INT. WWN OFFICES - DAY (2)

(TED, ROBIN, THREE RESEARCHERS)

19

TED AND ROBIN ARE WALKING IN THE HALLWAY TO THE RESEARCHERS

OFFICE AREA.
TED
So they didnt tell you anything?
ROBIN
Nope, just said to come down.
THEY ENTER THE OFFICE.
ROBIN (CONTD)
I cant believe you guys actually
found something.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "PAPA TED"

29.

ONE OF THE RESEARCHERS GETS UP AND WALKS OVER TO TED AND

ROBIN.
RESEARCHER #1
Oh we found out a lot of things. Too
quick to say I love you, stood up at
the altar, sex sting arrest.
TED
Sex sting arrest?
RESEARCHER #2 HANDS #1 A PIECE OF PAPER.
RESEARCHER #1
No wait, that was Ted Mosley.
RESEARCHER #2
You dont have any aliases do you?
RESEARCHER #3
He did just check in at a doctors
office under the name Jed Throwsby.
TED
How do you already know...wait, forget
about it, what do you know about the
kid.
RESEARCHER #1
Well besides for being called Ted, we
know that you can now also go by the
name Daddy.
RESEARCHER #1 HANDS TED A STACK OF PAPERS.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT TWO

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "PAPA TED"

30.

ACT THREE
20

INT. WWN OFFICES - DAY (2)

(TED, ROBIN, THREE RESEARCHERS)
TED AND ROBIN STAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OFFICE LOOKING AT
THE PAPERS HE WAS JUST HANDED. THE RESEARCHERS ARE JUST
SITTING AROUND LOOKING AT THEM.
TED
This cant be.
RESEARCHER #2
It is Daddy.
TED
Stop calling me that!
RESEARCHER #3
Why, do you prefer Father?
RESEARCHER #1
Hes a dad, not a priest.
TED
Im neither, this cant be right.
ROBIN
Well maybe they made a mistake.
RESEARCHER #1
Doubtful Robin, it looks pretty
airtight.
RESEARCHER #2
We have all of our tees crossed and
eyes dotted.

This is a solid result.

TED

Wow, Im a Dad.

20

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "PAPA TED"

RESEARCHER #3
Well, not so fast Ted. Take a look at
this.
RESEARCHER #3 HANDS TED ANOTHER PIECE OF PAPER.
TED
What is this?
RESEARCHER #3
This is her sons birth certificate.
TED LOOKS IT OVER.
TED
So?
RESEARCHER #3
Look at the birth date. Do the math.
TED
Math? What math?
RESEARCHER #2
Remind me never to buy in a building
he designs.
RESEARCHER #3
Her son, Robert Elpus, was born on
December 13, 2002.

You stopped dating

Becky in November 2001.

TED
Exactly.
RESEARCHER #2
So, unless you hooked back up after
you broke up...

31.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "PAPA TED"

32.

TED
Which we didnt
ROBIN
The kid cant be yours.
RESEARCHER #2
Not unless she has the gestation
period of an zebra.
EVERYONE TURNS AND LOOKS AT RESEARCHER #2
RESEARCHER #2 (CONTD)
What? Its 13 months.

Its part of

the documentary Maury is narrating.

RESEARCHER #3
We were just messing with you before.
Sorry about that, but this Maury thing
is really boring.
TED
(a bit depressed)
So Im not a dad.
ROBIN
So what are you going to do now?
TED
Pay a visit to one Becky Elpus.
CUT TO:
21

INT. GNB CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

(BARNEY, MARSHALL, EXECUTIVE #2 AND A SECRETARY)

21

BARNEY, MARSHALL AND EXECUTIVE #2 ARE SITTING AT THE

CONFERENCE TABLE WRAPPING UP A MEETING WHEN A SECRETARY COMES
INTO THE ROOM AND SITS DOWN.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "PAPA TED"

33.

BARNEY
Hey Marshall, maybe Sarah here could
work for you in the new division
youre in charge of.
BARNEY AND EXECUTIVE #2 START LAUGHING.
COURSE NOT AMUSED AND NEITHER IS SARAH.

MARSHALL IS OF

SARAH
Barney, that joke is really getting
old.

Plus someone like Marshall

clearly just made a mistake.

BARNEY
Like Marshall?
SARAH
Yea, just looking at him you can see
one just happened to get by him.
MARSHALL SLOWLY TAKES OFF HIS GLASSES AND TURNS TO LOOK AT
BARNEY. HE THEN TURNS BACK AND ADDRESSES SARAH.
MARSHALL
Why thank you Sarah, I appreciate it.
SARAH GRABS WHAT SHE CAME IN FOR AND LEAVES.
BARNEY
(to Sarah as she is leaving)
Its still funny, and hes not that
smart!
MARSHALL
(taking off his glasses)
Arent I?
BARNEY
Oh come on those arent even real.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "PAPA TED"

34.

MARSHALL
Arent they?
BARNEY AND MARSHALL JUST STARE AT EACH OTHER.
BARNEY
You think Sarah would do me if I put
on a pair like that?
CUT TO:
22

INT. BAR - DAY (3)

(TED, BECKY)

22

AS TED WALKS INTO THE BAR, HE SEES BECKY SITTING AT THEIR

REGULAR BOOTH. HE WALKS OVER TO HER AND JOINS HER.
BECKY
Still always sit here?
TED
You have a good memory.
BECKY
On some things.

Look Ted, Im here

because I have a confession to make.

Well, the thing is...God, I dont even
know how to say this, Im so
embarrassed.
TED
Hes not mine
BECKY NODS.
TED (CONTD)
Not unless you have the gestational
period of a zebra.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "PAPA TED"

35.

BECKY
He cant be.

We broke up November 11

at 12:35 in the afternoon.

The math

doesnt work out.

TED
Wow, you do have a good memory.

So if

you knew that Robert wasnt mine, why

did you try and trick me?
BECKY
Im scared Ted.

He is almost 11,

asking lots of questions about his

father, and how do I tell him that I
have no idea who he is?
TED
Thats tough, but he deserves to know
the truth, and I am not the truth.
BECKY
I know, its just that I always
pictured you as the father of my kids.
I just know you would be a perfect,
awesome dad. Im sorry Ted.
CUT TO:
23

INT. STUDY - EVENING (YEAR 2029)

(SON, DAUGHTER, NARRATOR)
SON
Alright, you are just throwing that
part in about being perfect.

23

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "PAPA TED"

36.

NARRATOR (V.O.)
Hey now, if you want to hear about
your long lost half-brother pipe down.
THE KIDS HAVE SHOCKED LOOKS ON THEIR FACES.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Kidding.

But she did say that.

Seriously.
RESET TO BAR:
24

TED REACHES ACROSS AND GRABS BECKYS HANDS.

24

NARRATOR (V.O.)
And kids, as I sat their with Becky
listening to her talk about love and
life and family, she started making
lots of sense, and a part of me
changed forever that night.
DISSOLVE TO:
25

INT. TED & ROBINS APARTMENT -EVENING

(TED, BARNEY, MARSHALL, LILY AND ROBIN)
TED IS SITTING IN THE CHAIR AS THE REST OF THE GANG IS
GATHERED AROUND TO HEAR HIS STORY.
TED
And thats it.

She just so

desperately wanted a dad for her kid

she was willing to do anything.
BARNEY
How pathetic.
LILY
How sad.

25

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "PAPA TED"

ROBIN
How cute.
MARSHALL
How...how could this be happening!
LILY
How could what be happening?
TED LOOKS AT MARSHALL NERVOUSLY.
MARSHALL
Ted, as your best friend.
BARNEY
Second best friend.
MARSHALL
I already know what you are going to
say next.
TED
Oh do you?
MARSHALL
Youre dating Becky again.
TED
No.

No way, she is crazy.

But if she

is willing to go to that length for

her son, maybe marriage isnt as
important as I am making it out to be.
ROBIN
It isnt?

37.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER - "PAPA TED"

38.

TED
Forget marriage, I just want to be a
dad.
BARNEY REACHES INTO HIS SUIT COAT AND PULLS OUT AN ENVELOPE.
BARNEY
Well Ted, then I guess youre not
going to need this.
TED LOOKS AT THE ENVELOPE.
TED
Doctor Gunderson?
BARNEY
Luckily I had him address it to whom
it may concern, so Ill just hang on
to this.
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END