Documenti di Didattica
Documenti di Professioni
Documenti di Cultura
By Dan Greenburg
HOW TO
BE A
JEWISH
MOTHER
By Dan Greenburg
You don't have to be either Jewish or a
mother to be a Jewish Mother.
An
Irish waitress or
an
Italian barber
subtle
anyone.
mother to
^-
HOW TO
BE A
JEWISH
MOTHER
*M
"Ve>lu
By Dan Greenburg
publishers,
II
INC.
inc.
MRS.
LEAH GREENBURG
NAOMI
GRKENBl'Itfi
Published by Price / Stern/ Sloan, Inc., 422 N. La Cienega Blvd., Los Angeles, Calif. 90048
Copyright
1964 By Dan Greenburg
Printed in U.S.A.
Wi
ZXl
m\
Will Teach
You
C.
Practice Drills
page 15
page 1 6
To Make
II.
And Second
C.
D.
page 22
9)
///.
D.
B.
C.
D.
E.
F.
43)
G.
V.
page 50
B.
C.
D.
(page 53
VI.
VII.
B.
C.
Home
B.
C.
Test Problem
page 64
{Page 61
(page 61
VIII.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
B.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
IX.
How
to be
just
wanted
to
tell
I.
On
the other hand, you don't have to be either Jewish or a mother to be a Jewish
An Irish waitress or an Italian barber could also be a Jewish mother.
mother.
11
Basic Philosophizing
You
will be called
upon
to function as a philoso-
"Ma! Ma!"
"What's the commotion?"
"The bad boys ran off with my hat!"
"The bad boys ran off with your hat?
You should
is
know
you'll
1
better
the best
to you,
believe me."
12
of
GLOSSARY.
is
well):
"Ma! Ma!"
"So what's the trouble now?"
won
Pontiac convertible!"
"You won a Pontiac automobile in the
Youth Group Raffle? Very nice. The insurance alone is going to send us to the
poorhouse."
Making
Guilt
Work
Underlying
all
will.
13
FIG.
Note: (A) Cross-Over Grip of Right Hand on Left Wrist, (B) Edge of
Plain Linen Handkerchief tucked around Index Finger to facilitate teardabbing.
14
furrow of the
brow, the downward curve of the lips the pained
expression which can only come from eight un-
eyes, the
it's
nothing at
all, it
will
go
15
Practice Drills
(a)
(b)
(c)
not to you."
Remember, the
16
Stay up
all
breakfast.
(2)
Go without lunch
so
air,
and
close your
own
so
you don't
17
II.
you
potatoes, Irving'
18
FIG.
Ill:
''SLIVER OF FOOD."
19
"Take only a
then."
"All
right.
But
remember,
only
sliver."
one,
to:
20
FIG. IV
(1)
The Staging Phase: Right Hand (A), grips Kettle (B), while Left
holds Ladle (D) in a firm but comfortable grip. (2) The Pre-
Hand (C)
Contactual Phase: Note the snap of the Wrist, the angle of the plane of
the Ladle Top. (3) The Post-Contactual Phase: Between this and the preceding phase is the Moment of Truth; it must occur precisely between
your "...seconds?" and the target's "God, no." (4) The Follow-Through
Phase: Consistent form is realized by bringing the Ladle sharply upward
and in position to return to the Kettle for the Third Helping.
21
Take a
"Irving, wait.
that."
little
little
piece.
bread with
ice
cream?"
To help wash
it
down."
means
of
Third Helping
has been cleared from
vague references
all
to privation
"I
am now
helpings."
your timing has been perfected, it is perhaps slightly better form to scoop too
early than to have his "God, no" catch you with your potatoes halfway down.
'Until
22
The next
"Eddie doesn't
like
the
way
cook
chicken."
"Fm
Note that
in this
to
Invisible.
23
"Eddie,
"Yes."
"You
tell
like
me.
You
my
chicken?"
like
chicken?"
"Yes yes."
"You are
man
says to
understand.
me
me
It's
any more?"
can understand. A
'I am too full', this I can
not like you are asking
I
Watch Between-Meal-Treats
Between meals, follow guests about the house
with trays of fruit, nuts, candies, cookies, cakes and
sour pickles. Eating should never be restricted to the
dining table, particularly if there is some question
of health involved:
24
"Marvin,
Have
a mint,
how about
or maybe a
treat?
slice of salami."
little
it
7
Should your child ever leave home, temporarily or permanently, do not let him go
without giving him a bag of sandwiches. At last report, they were still selling food
on The Outside, but they are liable to stop at any moment. And besides, how good
could
it
be?
25
Matching Test
with
its
ap
II
(a)
Celery
(2)
(b)
Tomato
(4)
Lettuce
(d) String beans
(e) Carrots
(1)
Boiled chicken
(3) Fried chicken
(5)
(6)
(7)
(8)
(9)
(10)
26
Turkey
Macaroni
Veal cutlets
Rib steak
Lamb chops
Beef stew
Pressed duck
(c)
(f)
Peas
(g) Beets
(h) Spinach
(i)
(j)
Bread
Corn
Answers
(1)
(2)
(3)
(4)
(5)
(6)
(7)
(8)
(9)
(10)
effectively Distribute
you will learn how to Entertain.
to
27
III.
Your job
as hostess
is
when your
You must see to it
not complete
How
to Tell a
Funny Story
28
(1)
know
Jewish man?"
the old
it
before.
query be as general
as possible, so that anybody who has heard the story
before should not recognize it and hence have it
spoiled for him. The next step is:
It is
(2)
Ask someone
"Listen,
else to tell
it's
don't
it.
initial
know
Al,
you
tell
it."
Sylvia."
29
heard orig-
You
all
know
Go ahead and
(4)
and
tell
sufficiently prepared
will be anxious for you to begin.
it,
but be sure
to:
30
"Anyway, there's
who
man
crowded
it
always
is
31
mg.
How
(PAUSE. FROWN.
to Discuss
Current Events
8
Fidel Castro:
A man that cannot take the trouble to shave,
comb his hair and put on a suit and a clean shirt
would not get my vote, I can tell you that much.
8 See
32
GLOSSARY.
FIG.
WHEN
ENTERTAINING.
Important: As Guest (1) begins to flick Ash (2) into Ashtray (3), your
Right Hand (4) must withdraw Ashtray from Ash Drop Line (5), permitting Flicked Ash to fall into your cupped Left Hand (6). Phases of
Right Hand Withdrawal, labelled A, B and C, correspond with phases of
Left Hand Advance, labelled A', B' and
(Note When Flicked Ash has
been successfully caught in cupped hand, you may remark "That's all
right, don't worry about it.")
33
Mao
Tse-tung:
A lot of improperly cooked vegetables and God
knows what kind of meat. We order only the
plain rice with a little sauce.
Adlai Stevenson:
kill
Nasser:
Don't talk to
him.
me
about Nasser.
Polaris:
much about
it,
think.
don't
to tell you the truth.
I
know
Astronauts:
This is a way to earn a living? That a young
man should spend all his time cooped up in a
tiny cramped space without fresh air, without
proper exercise, without a nourishing hot meal?
Feh!
Landing on Moon:
What
34
FIG. VI
A little TV to while away the time. (B) Windows for plenty of fresh
(C) Curtains so there shouldn't be a glare closer to the sun. (D) A nice
frigidaire with plenty of cold cuts, milk and fruit. (E) A comfy chair which
won't give you a curvature of the spine. (F) Some worthwhile magazines.
(G) Thick wall-to-wall carpet to reduce landing shock.
(A)
air.
35
Yuri Gagarin:
last time.
lovely wife,
Nelson Rockefeller:
A man that wealthy does not need
to be Presi-
however.
dent.
go mainly to the
A&
P.
Thermonuclear war:
Feh!
Who
needs
it?
it.
Extrasensory perception:
Very
36
nice.
ICBM:
They
me
Sammy
I
tell
Davis, Jr.
Frank Sinatra:
Formerly a scarecrow. Look how nice he eats
now.
Audrey Hepburn:
Put a
little flesh
girl.
Henry
Miller:
I liked particularly "Death of a Salesman". His
other stuff I don't understand.
37
Gertrude Berg:
I saw her not long ago talking about S.O.S. soap
pads on the television. I suppose they pay her
to do this.
"Ben Casey":
Talks like a roughneck, but he's a good boy. They
say his real name is Edwards, but I heard recently that he changed it from something else.
Dr. Spock:
Spock, shlock, don't talk to
me
Leonard Bernstein:
Ah! That young man is a gentleman. You can
tell what kind of a home he came from.
TV
dinners:
Not enough
to
fill
even a sparrow.
38
to find trouble-
makers.
Any
is
really a lot of
39
How To
Accept
A Compliment
"Mmmm!
me how
Sylvia,
it's
is
the chopped
delicious!"
40
Test Problem
How
You have
how
41
IV.
How
If
Drink a
little
How
If
42
girdle.
How
If
(1)
(2)
piece candy.
(3)
Have him
lie
How
to
43
How
to
10
10
44
see
^^TnrmJffe^
7
-
rffl
/^t^nP^
^A
^B
\c
s^
Ppp'^'if
ill 111 111
11
i!K\V
A x
I'lllimvV
''lii/
D
E
y^
li/iwl^
/
1
**
M^^/
^^*im[2St**^ %--./Jr
:
FIG. VII
(A) Something for the head to prevent sunstroke. (B) Something for the
nose to prevent peeling. (C) Dark glasses for the eyes to prevent blindness.
(D) Long-sleeved jacket to protect the arms. (E) Shawl to protect the
jacket. (F) Umbrella to protect the shawl. (G) Cocoa butter. (H) Tablecloth to protect the legs from a draft. (I) Shower clogs to prevent the
feet from picking up somebody's athlete's foot from the sand.
go out too
far.
such a pleasure!"
How To
Social
Engagement
7:55
is
ready
is
ready.
46
1
;sL
LEVEL
v.A.A.li,,",,
LEVEL
'""
-'''UU---'-'--'-
LEVEL
....-...U..y,,.,v..,,..
LEVEL
LEVEL
^41
"^^
FIG. VIII
(Level 1):
Optimum
Swimming
47
9:05
9:13
the lights.
in the back
of the house and a few in front to make prospective burglars think there is somebody at
all
home.
9:20
Herd
how
late
it is.
all
me
48
little faint."
Test Problem
Think of a way
to
make your
sit
down
Solution
Say
to
him
in
other people:
"So
This
is
known
as
bit.
49
V.
Economy
is
so important
is
this a
good piece
50
is
not good,
Now
handy
(1)
later, like:
receive
A&P
(3)
(4)
(5)
excelsior
(2)
rags
(7) applesauce jars
(8) soup cans
(9) mailing tubes
(10) any kind of string
(6)
to
Al.
51
make
your
possible,
sacrifices:
"Well, I'm glad to say I won't be needing a new winter coat this year after all."
"Oh? How's that, Sylvia?"
"I glued the Woman's Section of the
Sunday paper inside the lining of my old
one, and now it's warm as toast."
"Well,
it.
bought
52
Make
Clothes
(1)
(2)
(3)
53
child can
grow
The most
into
it.
way
garment
fit
to
it fit
in the crotch?"
good
from
here,
ma'am."
Should the child object to any garment that has
been selected for him, ask the salesman if he talked
to his mother like that when he was a boy. Never
fear. The salesman will not let you down.
:{
The
4 See
54
Invisible.
FIG.
II
PROPER
22.
(A) Enough length in sleeve to cover second knuckle. (B) Enough room
permit wearing a couple sweaters or a little fattening up.
(C) Enough room in hat to permit growth between haircuts. (D) Steadying hand to prevent falling and soiling new clothes.
in chest to
55
Quiz
Which
and
Save
Throw out
(2)
Empty Bufferin
bottles
Save
Throw out
(3)
Empty
aspirin tins
Save
Throw out
(4)
Throw out
(5)
Used dental
floss
Save
j
56
Throw out
Answers
Save;
(2) Save;
they'll be out
(3) Save;
(1)
watches in them.
(4) Save; you could launder and re-use.
(5) Save; you could use for sewing on buttons.
the area of
chapter on
Education.
57
VI.
When
to
Education
your son
is
"Marvin?"
"Yeah?"
"Your father and I have been talking."
"Yeah?"
"We have come to a very important
decision."
"Yeah?"
"We have decided that you are no
longer a baby. I mean, after all, you're
graduating high school and pretty soon
now you will have to decide what you want
to do in life."
"Yeah?"
"I just wanted
58
to tell
know we
are very
proud of you today, Marvin. Very proud.
The only thing is, I thought I should tell
you Papa's very hurt that you don't want
to go into the button business with him."
to
59
Test Question
your son should study medicine, law or accounting, then what should your daughter study?
If
Answer
and anything
meet a nice young man.
Now
Who Wants To
60
Leave Home.
VII.
Home
How many
miles
The First
M.P.H. x
Visit
61
(3)
Wash
(4)
his floor.
falls
below
50
Fahrenheit)
earmuffs.
If
62
FIG. IX:
F.)
63
Test Problem
Solution
is this,
to
work
in
an
Now
64
VIII.
to
The Son:
The Early Years
never too early to begin preparing your
son for marriage. At the age of eight or nine, start
to develop in him an appreciation for the good
grooming habits which will help him to win the
It
is
65
in
marriage:
in a similar
manner:
By age twelve
not necessarily limit these tips to your own children. A child in the street
should be supervised with the same loving care which you extend to your own "Little
boy, don't slouch. You want to make yourself a cripple?"
You need
66
FIG.
OPPOSITE SEX.
Important: For optimum effectiveness in coaching and interpreting capayour Head (A) should form Right Triangle as above with heads of
Son (B) and Small Female Child (C).
cities,
67
who stands
By
she Jewish?"
(2) "What's the family's name?"
(3) "What was it before?"
(1)
"This
girl,
is
task will
in college
means
68
FIG. XI:
KEY
PROPER REACTION TO
COMMAND
"DON'T SLOUCH'
Slouch lines
Good posture
lines
69
Your son
she Jewish?"
(2) "She gets good marks in school?"
(1)
"This
(3)
girl,
is
in
mod-
eration?"
(4)
(5)
arettes
intermediary:
"Does she
like
mashed potatoes?"
known
70
is
girl, this
DaughThe I-
Forget-Her-Name Gambit:
"Is
what's-her-name
is
your wife
71
boy
Remind him.
Often.
"You talking
to me, lady?"
Degree
in
Romance
driver. Tell
Master's
Languages." A careful
me something
confidentially."
"Yeah?"
man
is
telling you."
72
all
his romantic
How
to
You
"Marvin.
girl?"
know what
mean?"
"Ma, look"
I
hardly
know what
you.
(PAUSE. FINISH SEWING THE BUTTON, BEGIN TO
BITE OFF THE THREAD, STOP, STUDY THE END
OF IT AND LOOK UP INTO HIS FACE) LOOK,
you're still so young. You know what I
"I
to
tell
73
to get
mar-
Test Problem
Say
to him:
74
It is
FIG. XII
WHO
JUST
ANNOUNCED HE
(A) Head shielded from view of son's fiancee to mask whispered remarks.
(B) Grip on arm itself rather than sleeve. (C) Thread is minimum 180 lb.
test.
75
The Daughter:
What
to
Do Before
(High School
&
the Date
College Phases)
18
rings the
bell.
man
(3)
If the
from head
to
"You're Jewish?"
"What's your family's name?"
"What was it before?"
young man
is
(2)
(3)
"How
(4)
"Your
(1)
Even
13
if
the young
man
has answered
76
all
your ques-
it is
wind up
in
my
your
all
if
to
the
77
out her
many
"A
physical attributes:
face
like
a Vermeer
you
know
Vermeer?"
"Yes, the painter."
"She won the Queen Esther contest
when she was five."
"You don't say."
"She has natural curly hair, maybe
you noticed."
see
how
straight
close."
78
FIG. XIII
(A) Speaks a fluent French. (B) Has natural curly hair. (C) Had natural
curly teeth straightened. (D) Won 1st prize in the Queen Esther Contest.
(E) Is maybe a tiny bit heavy in the bust (it runs in the family). (F) Has
strong, capable hands for cooking, cleaning and sewing. (G) Since the age
of 3, dances ballet like a regular Pavlov.
79
I'll
pay for
myself."
As soon
80
me
in
it
my
daughter
she wouldn't even
the kitchen."
is
you forgot?"
Point out that a good cultural background makes
for compatability, which is more important in a
How
Wait
in to
until the
"Miriam."
81
"Oh, hi Ma."
"Miriam, I saw.
doing in there."
"Oh."
"Miriam, who taught you this?"
"Oh, for God's sake, Ma. I'm a big girl
now.
Miriam, we are decent people. We
have always tried to teach you the right
thing. How could you do this to us?"
"Ma, for God's sake, I was only kiss-
ing"
"Do you know what your father will
do when I'll tell him? Do you?"
"No, but"
"He will have a heart attack, that's
what he will do. I promise you."
"Look"
had to have your teeth
straightened? For this I bought you con"For this
82
FIG. XIV
IN
IS
FOUND NECKING
83
French ?"
"Ma-"
"Ach,
don't
you. (pause)
walker, (pause) If you have any consideration for your parents at all, you'll do
the only decent thing."
"What's that?"
"You'll leave this house and you'll not
come back until you're a virgin."
Your daughter has spent a final fruitless summer in the Catskills or Palm Springs or Fort Lauderdale, she is over twenty-five years of age and
God
forbid she
riage at all.
84
still
(1)
Think
(2)
Consider
(3)
Weigh
(4)
Panic.
over calmly.
all the angles.
all the alternatives.
it
your daughter, assume the Basic Facial Expression and the Basic Tone of Voice and deliver this
Go
to
final
memorized address:
"I
want
to
tell
important."
"What?"
"I
you,
"Oh God."
"God knows how I've suffered to bring
you up properly, to teach you to take proper
care of yourself, to stand up straight don't
slouch when I'm talking to you to give
to wear, to give
you a
85
"What am
supposed to
86
Say
to her:
very useful.
87
IX.
An
months of grandmotherhood:
(1)
(2)
(4)
air."
like his
Aunt
Gertrude."
(5)
(6)
Finklestein."
88
FIG.
MAN
89
(7)
at-
tention."
"I have promised myself faithfully
interfere
in the raising of that child.
to not
After all, he's their son, and they are intelligent youngsters. All right, so they'll
make a few mistakes. They'll learn, (pause)
(8)
only hope
it
Final Exercise
As soon
as the little sweetheart is able to comprehend you, begin to supplement his mother's
training techniques with adaptations of the skills
you learned in the preceding chapters. For example,
if the child seems at all reluctant to Eat His Food,
see how inventive you can be in improvising a Neigh-
bor's-Model-Grandchild Gambit.
90
Glossary of Terms
a nice boy:
his
own
car.
a good boy:
his
own
a fine boy:
his
basis:
bum:
bathing:
Swimming.
91
capable:
(As in "She's a very capable girl") She's an excellent cook, but she is ugly.
chorus girl:
too
complaining:
What a Jewish Mother
much makeup.
is
not doing.
coronary:
Upper middle
Cousins Club:
All the relatives get together on a Sunday night,
smoke cigars, play gin rummy and complain.
culture:
(Active
92
drunkard:
offer of an alcoholic
beverage.
fehl:
Fie!
foolishness:
93
for later:
gratitude:
What
heart attack:
Lower middle class coronary.
hunchback:
as straight as
a Marine recruit.
makes a
He
94
living:
makes a
He
nice appearance:
wears a double breasted suit.
nourishing:
Fattening.
pig:
bites
when
eating.
poison:
What
a Jewish
Mother
is
properly:
Just as you're told.
roughneck:
or does
scarecrow:
less
than 250
lbs.
95
sensible:
Out of fashion.
shameful waste:
Throwing out a teabag after using
it
only once.
sliver:
Any
substantial:
Wealthy.
swimming:
Bathing.
What you
should not
know from.
The Outside:
The Great Unknown; anything not
tramp:
Feminine of "bum"; any
her on the mouth.
96
girl
who
in the
lets
home.
a boy kiss
tube:
What
if
you
unmarried surgeon:
The answer to a mother's prayer.
wash down:
(As in "Take a little bread to wash down the
spongecake") To keep it company in your
stomach.
younger:
What
a Jewish Mother
is
97
98
Believe me, I wouldn't spoil your fun for a minute, but if you had not spent the money
on this book and sent it instead to Europe, a needy child could have had six nourishing
meals.
99
the University of
Illinois,
7
3 9999 01562 655
EN6231
Greeriburg
How to be a Jewish
mother
HJ6231
.M66G7
FIELDS
CORNER
BRANCH LIBRARY
i
in life
Qr.
pocket mdi-
sale of taTFist^il'fgi.'irfiIfcteASSP
Please do not remove cards from this
pocket.
Motherhood not because she is different from other mothers, but because ( 1 ) she happened to be available
for first-hand research (See "About
The Author") and (2) while mothers
everywhere possess some of the qualities he describes, the Jewish mother
possesses more of them.
Written for anyone who has ever been,
this
book pro-
and many
Become Engaged
others.
publishers,
"
INC.
inc.
1938
(seen above with mother) grew up in Chicago, studied
University of Illinois, received a Master of Arts in Industrial
Design at U.C.L.A., and then threw a wonderful education right out the
window and became a writer. Since then his writing has appeared in
playboy, esquire, monocle, EROS (for whom he served as Managing
Editor) and twentieth century parody, American and British. He is
currently associated with the New York advertising firm of Papert, Koenig,
T ois and, though 28 years of age, he is still unmarried and does not know
how to stand up straight or eat properly.
dan GREENBURG
art} at the
mtammtt