The

BolshebeaTs

Written by Carlos Otondo

ACT I - LENIN OR LENOUT

THIS IS A REHEARSAL OF A VERY WELL KNOWN BAND IN 1968. ON STAGE WE
SEE A SET OF DRUMS, A COUPLE OF GUITARS, A BASS, MICROPHONES AND
AMPS.
LIGHTS ARE OFF.
OFF VOICE
(ENTHUSIASTIC) Are you ready? Can I
hear you SCREAM!? Hope you brought
panties to change because the golden
boys are here! Welcome George!
GEORGE RUNS TO STAGE WAVING TO THE AUDIENCE BUT NOT TOO ENTHUSIASTIC
AND PICS UP HIS GUITAR.
OFF VOICE
(ENTHUSIASTIC) And the living
legend... Paul!
PAUL ALSO RUNS TO PICK HIS BASS AND WAVES A LITTLE, LOOKS TIRED.
OFF VOICE
(ENTHUSIASTIC) And the guy with the
golden sticks, Ringo!
RINGO IS VERY HYPED, WAVES, SALUTES, AT THE VERGE OF TEARS, GOES TO
HIS DRUMS WHERE HE KEEPS ON WAVING.
PAUL
Ringo, relax, this is just a
rehearsal.
RINGO
But the voice said nice things about
me. I like nice things.
GEORGE
Shut up Ringo.
RINGO
(SUBMISSIVE) O... K....
PAUL
Where is John by the way?

GEORGE
No signs of the man. Haven't seen him
in days.
PAUL
Maybe he is with his new girlfriend.
RINGO
She is scary! She screams a lot!
PAUL FINDS A LETTER ON THE FLOOR, PICKS IT UP AND OPENS IT.
PAUL
(SURPRISED) A letter.
GEORGE RUNS TO PAUL TO SEE THE LETTER.
GEORGE
(SURPRISED) From John.
RINGO GETS THERE TOO.
RINGO
(SURPRISED) In an envelope!
PAUL
He is gone, to Antarctica, to become
a hermit.
GEORGE
Well, that makes no sense.
RINGO
Screaming girlfriend took him there.
PAUL
What do we do now?
GEORGE
Beers?
PAUL
Sounds good.
RINGO
Bye bye.
THEY START TAKING DOWN THEIR INSTRUMENTS, RINGO WAVES BYE BYE TO THE
AUDIENCE. PAUL, BEFORE DISCONNECTING HIS GUITAR, PLAYS THE VERY

FIRST PART OF "REVOLUTION".

LENIN APPEARS ON STAGE, TALKING WITH STRONG RUSSIAN ACCENT.
LENIN
Do you want revolution? Me like
revolutions. Good at revolting.
PAUL
Hello, Who are you?
LENIN
Vladimir Ilich Ulianov at your
service.
RINGO
Fancy name. Mine is boring.
GEORGE
What can we do for you, Mister
Ulianov?
LENIN
I want audition for you. Sing good me.
PAUL GRABS LENIN'S BEARD AND TRIES TO REMOVE IT.
PAUL
Are you John? good prank.
LENIN
Me good singer, I have song for you.
GEORGE
Right now?
SONG: ALL YOU NEED IS VLAD (All you need is love)
LENIN SINGS:
If you allow me to sing, you will be stunned
My voice will kill you, no need for guns
I will conquer and put the other candidates to shame
They're sleazy
GEORGE, RINGO AND PAUL START LOOKING AT EACH
OTHER WONDERING WHAT'S GOING ON.

I'm old so I can be your chaperone

I 'll let you drink even acetone
When I become king
I won't even dare to outlaw weed
It's breezy
All you need is Vlad
And no, I am not mad
All you need is Vlad, Vlad
I am here to lead
All you need is Vlad
Your fellow comrade
This ain't no Leningrad, fad
Not until I succeed
GEORGE, RINGO AND PAUL MEET AND START
DISCUSSING.
Singing for you is just a charade
But if you take me you wont be enslaved
I will care of you when we are charged with a lot of war crimes
Uneasy
I look like your granddad
But trust me I am very rad
I'll even bring a kneepad
If you take me in
All you need is Vlad (All together now)
All you need is Vlad (Everybody)
All you need is Vlad,
Vlad There is no mercy
Vlad is all you need (Vlad is all you need)

And you will be freed (And you will be freed)

Killings will proceed (Killings will proceed)
Execution speed (Execution speed)
That is guaranteed (That is guaranteed)
I'll kill you yeah, yeah, yeah (3X)

GEORGE
Did you say "I'll kill you?"
LENIN
Yes. Me say that.
Ok...

GEORGE
PAUL
But that's our song, did you just take
it and changed it?
LENIN
Yes, me did that.
RINGO
Awesome.
Why?

PAUL
LENIN
I'm a communist.
Oh...

GEORGE
RINGO
Wow! A real one!
PAUL
But we aren't.
LENIN
yet. My name is Vladimir, people know
me as Lenin.
GEORGE, PAUL AND RINGO ARE VERY SURPRISED.

PAUL
The Russian dictator?
yes.

LENIN
GEORGE
So many questions! Why are you here?
LENIN
Me sing for you.
PAUL
But you died, didn't you?
SONG: THE BALLAD OF DEATH AND VLAD (The ballad of John and Yoko)
LENIN SINGS:
They said I died, a sick man in Moscow
In January 1924
They say when I passed; they just took my brain out
Took a good look and they said I was mad
That was a little cheesy,
but to the sewers I flee
I just hid in the feces,
got hepatitis B
My funeral was crowdie and lovely
Millions there where crying for me
Mayakovsky wrote me a nice poem that reads "Who ever saw a Bolshevik
into tears"
Oh, boy my life was peachy,
people were following me
I had the Russian girls moaning,
all men wanted to be me
But also many wanted to kill me
I couldn't even go take a leak

So I woke up at eight, went and faked my own death

I said: "Got laid but also got syphilis"
Guys, syphilis ain't funny,
is not a nice STD
But for them to believe me,
I did weird things to my skin
Then I took my things and went froze myself
Stayed there until 1960
Waited in my grave,
it wasn't easy
Forty years at minus ninety-four C!
And now I am here in this audition
I can't wait to start singing for you
I have completely changed;
I swear I'm no more red
It just depends in the angle of view
Guys you trust me on this one
My plans are far behind me
I just want to be happy
And make a lot of money

PAUL
So you just took all of our songs and
wrote your own lyrics.
LENIN
Me did that yes.
GEORGE
I heard our songs were forbidden in
Russia.
RINGO

Why?
PAUL
Yes, they even tortured people that
listened to us.
Yes.

LENIN
RINGO
Oh no!
LENIN
I miss Russia.
PAUL
Tortures?
LENIN
(LITTLE SAD) Yes. Home.
GEORGE
Torture is no fun.
LENIN
(VERY SAD) Yes it is.
RINGO
You are a scary person.
LENIN
Me write song about home. Help.
LENIN HANDS A MUSIC SHEET TO RINGO, PAUL AND GEORGE.
This is

RINGO
Russian.

PAUL
No is not, these are musical keys. I know
this song.
LENIN
No, my song.
GEORGE
Let's just do this, we need to rehearse
anyways.
LENIN
Ok, you begin play. (COUNTING) ah-deen!
dvah! tree! che-ti-ryeh!

SONG: COME TO MOSCOW (Don't let me down)

Come to Moscow
Is a nice town
Come to Moscow
When snow melts down
You'll drink the best vodka with no remorse
Lose control, then divorce
In Christmas we have our own Santa Claus
Ded Moroz, just because
Come to Moscow
Just stay uptown
Come to Moscow
Skip Chinatown
There is little to no crime
Everyone is working class
Thieves were shipped down to Siberia
Where they'll stay and freeze their ass
Come to Moscow
Also school town
Awesome playground
At Lomonosov
The monument to the conquerors of space
Ooo yeah we won it, won that race
Yuri Gagarin was the first to get there
Ooo The first place, yeah we embrace
Come to Moscow
Is well renown

I have my own Mausoleum

My grave is down
A concrete crown
Come to Moscow
It's a fun town

PAUL
I wrote a song about the USSR, have you
heard it?
LENIN
Niet. Mine better song.
RINGO
Who is Yuri Gagarin.
LENIN
Winner space man.
GEORGE
Have you taken some Lucy In the Sky? I've
been to the stars man...
PAUL
Good tripping.
LENIN
(furious) SHUT UP! YURI WIN RACE!
AMERICA SEND MONKEY! WE SEND DOG! YURI
FIRST MAN! (screaming) YOU BEEN TO
STARS?! PICTURES OR DID NOT HAPPEN!
PAUL
You can get very angry sometimes man...
GEORGE
I guess that's what you get when you
unfreeze a Russian dictator.
RINGO
Maybe he is just lonely.
LENIN
Oh... Me lonely. Miss friends but dead
all.
GEORGE
Do you scream to all your friends?

LENIN
no. Only when play Uno.
PAUL
Oh man, Wild Draw Four gets me every time.
Such a John move.
LENIN
You my friend now?
RINGO
Can I join?

SONG: WOULD YOU BE MY NEW TROTSKY? (While my guitar gently weeps)

LENIN SINGS:
Now my best friend is dead,
I might soon start weeping
Would you be my new Trotsky?
A whole in my heart,
My blood will start leaking
Would you be my new Trotsky?
I need a friend,
Someone to plan coups
Help me to find true love
Be my wingman,
Not another Jew
Someone to call me boo
I know I'm not nice,
But I can start learning
Would you be my new Trotsky?
My Russian friends,
Died and won't be returning

Would you be my new Trotsky?

I wonder how,
My life got deserted
The killings had to do
You can apply,
To get my friendship
By not being a Jew
Would you be my new Trotsky?

PAUL
What was that about the jews?
GEORGE
So this is the whole show? A Russian guy
singing? I mean, dude, people want to see
us, right?
LENIN
Me one of you now.
GEORGE
You have the moves, but we are not sure.
RINGO
Because you look crazy, man.
LENIN
Decide now, LenIN or LenOUT
PAUL
You know we have a jewish manager, right?
He is gonna be your boss.
Me have no

LENIN
problem. Niet.

GEORGE
We don't believe you man, I mean, your
friend Trotsky wrote a book about Hitler...
PAUL
How do you know that.
GEORGE
Musicians are not idiots.

RINGO
Not always...
LENIN
Me able to proof jews nice.
How?

PAUL

SONG: I LOVE THE JEWS (Love me do)

LENIN SINGS:
I love the Jews
Not all, to be true
Like Fifth Avenue
Is filled, With rich Jews
Whoa, from NYU
What they have put through
I'd end up cuckoo
But they collect dues
Break knees,
Is what they do
Whoa, they're mafia too
Suffered enough
Boy that is true
They are rich
now Controlling you
I love the Jews
My grandpa was too
Trotsky joined the crew
Say cheese,
You might too

Yeah, that's good

I might over do
But I love the Jews
Their Zionist group
They see, And control you
Oh yeah they do
Better love the Jews
They own you too
GEORGE
Ok, I have to ask, how did you write all
these songs? I mean, you were frozen all
this time, while we got famous.
LENIN
In Soviet Russia, questions make you death.
PAUL
Ok, Ringo, George, we need to have a group
meeting.
RINGO, PAUL AND GEORGE GO TO ONE FAR SIDE OF THE STAGE. LENIN STAYS
ALONE.
PAUL
Guys, we need to thinks of the consequences
of having a world class dictator as the
leader of a world known band.
GEORGE
Is it that big of a deal? the man has good
ideas, is it a big problem to tell the
people to share and own the same?
RINGO
We have lots of money. Do we have to share
if we take him?
GEORGE
Of course not.
PAUL
Shut up Ringo.
LENIN
You should respect band member. Brother.

RINGO, PAUL AND GEORGE GO BACK TO LENIN

PAUL
Hey Lenin...
LENIN
Vlad, artistic name.
PAUL
Well, Vlad, why do you really want to be
with us?
LENIN
(SWEET) Me want friends.
RINGO
(VERY LOW) I love you...
GEORGE
I have no problem with Lenin...
Vlad.

LENIN
GEORGE
With Vlad, I mean, I read Marx to write
songs sometimes...
LENIN
You know Marx? Me love Marx.
RINGO GETS ANNOYED.
GEORGE
I assumed you liked the man.
LENIN
I miss Marx.
PAUL
You are going to sing about him, aren't
you.

SONG: HEY KARL (Hey Jude)

LENIN SINGS AGAIN:
Hey Karl You are not mad
Took a weird thought and made it better
Remember, we think like conjoined twins

So let's spread war, like a chain letter

Hey Karl
Proletariat
Will engage in a class struggle
Remember, bourgeoisie are digging their grave
And once they are dead, it will be better
There will be blood, there will be pain
From here, to Spain
Or they'll use your book as a cup holder
We'll give them pain; we'll make them drool
Give us their jewels,
By turning workers in good landholders
Niet, niet, niet, niet, niet, niet, niet, niet, niet.
Hey Karl
Don't you meltdown
We should start by taking their children
Your beard is creepy and that's a good start
To scare them all and eat them with pepper
For that we'll take away their skin
And then we'll win
And choose a good comrade to take over
And we can go, run to Guangzhou
Hey Karl, love you
We'll have the last laugh and leave like soldiers
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

PAUL
What did you say about eating children??!!
RINGO
Tender hamburgers...
LENIN
In Gulag, you eat EVERYTHING.
GEORGE
Is hard to imagine you eating the synonym
of the word cat.
PAUL
Well, that's part of being a rockstar,
conquer girls, make them happy...
GEORGE
I usually sing to them... not like this
rehearsal where I haven't sing a word...
RINGO
I use flowers as drumsticks, if you know
what I mean...
PAUL
That makes no sense Ringo.
LENIN
Don't say that to Ringo. Brother to you.
GEORGE
So Vlad, how do you get girls turned on?
LENIN
By not killing them.
PAUL
See, that's not the right attitude, that's
what you need...
LENIN
Me have attitude.
Do you?
I

crush

GEORGE
LENIN
bear with my own hands!
PAUL

That's not what I...

LENIN
You! Grab music stick! I show you attitude!
ANGRILY, LENIN GIVES THE GUYS A SHEET WITH CHORDS.
GEORGE
Are we gonna ruin this song too?
LENIN
Start music now.

SONG: THE TIME I FOUGHT A BEAR (I saw her standing there)

LENIN SINGS AGAIN:
Was in a Gulag latrine
Dropping submarines
Heard a massive roar
Fixing my underwear
I looked and thought was my grandmother
But I saw a massive bear
He was a war machine
With lack of hygiene
I bet you he thought
I was an amateur
But boy if you mess with the Lenin
You will leave a crippled bear
It was his own doom
He just dug his tomb
Lenin is not here to whine
And we started the fight
We begun very polite
A scratch here and there

And then it happened

I swear
He ran and came back
With his mother
And I had to fight two bears
I just took a broom
From the ladies room
And waited for them to align
When the moment was right
I poked them both like a knight
Right in the torso,
Both dead son and mother
Fight with the Lenin?
Don't bother
But I'm not an amateur
GEORGE
You need to relax man.
RINGO
Poor mama bear.
LENIN
Don't mess with Lenin. you die.
PAUL
If you want to be in our band, you need to
relax, have fun, dance with the audience...
RINGO
let your body go...
LENIN
Me have dance. Clap now.
What?

GEORGE
LENIN
Clap now. NOW!!!!!!

THE GUYS CLAP ONCE OR TWICE.

LENIN
NOT LIKE THAT YOU IDIOTS!
LENIN STARTS CLAPPING AT BEAT. THE GUYS FOLLOW.
LENIN STARTS HOPAK DANCING (RUSSIAN CLASSIC HALF SITTING KICK
FORWARD DANCE)
RINGO TRIES TO IMITATE BUT FAILS.
LENIN ENDS WITH SCREAM AND STRONG CLAP.
PAUL
That was cool man.
GEORGE
You've got killer moves dude.
LENIN
Did you say Killer?
GEORGE
Well yeah, but not in that way...
LENIN RUNS BACKSTAGE AND BRINGS A GUITAR SHAPED LIKE A RAIL GUN,
THAT CAN SHOOT SMALL FIREWORKS.
THE BAND ACTS SURPRISED AND SCARED
Oh my god.

PAUL
GEORGE
What have we done.
RINGO
This guy is crazier than the last one we
had.
PAUL
Not THAT crazy... Hey Lenin, are you
married?
LENIN
Married to mother Russia.
Awesome.

GEORGE
LENIN
And will get her sexy ass back.

PAUL
I'm scared to ask how.
LENIN
(AGGRESSIVE) Get Music Start! Sheets
for you!
LENIN HANDS MORE SHEETS WITH LYRICS
PAUL
This is ridiculous. You are ruining years
of writing.
LENIN
Paul sing with me! ah-deen! dvah! tree!
che-ti-ryeh!
MUSIC STARTS
SONG: I WANT TO START A WAR (Hold your hand)
"All powe-e-er, to the soviets"
That's gonna be our line
Bour-ge-ois, start running
We already took the tsar
I Want to Start a War
The power I'll demand
Throw them bees,
head squeeze
And send the boogieman
Mac and cheese,
pair of skis
For the proletariat
I Want to Start a War
Because I am the Vlad
We'll send them tasty pies with apple, cyanide
This is a reminiscent of They will die,

certified, joke aside

Yeah now, for the battle
We'll take the autobahn
Yeah now, we will drive there
And take a big sedan,
We might just stop in Cannes
And we can watch Tarzan
After I win I will be happy, satisfied
The rich will feel my boxing gloves
Petrified, horrified, laid aside
Ye-ah now, to be conquers
And to achieve dreamland
We'll make an empire
The great U-S-S-R
The U-S-S and R
For the proletariat, for the proletariat

LENIN ENDS THE SONG SHOOTING FIREWORKS WITH HIS GUITAR, FREAKING OUT
PAUL AND GEORGE. RINGO SALUTES.
PAUL
This is too crazy for me.
Niet.

LENIN
GEORGE
You almost killed us man.
RINGO
Not me, not a scratch.
Pussycats.

LENIN
PAUL
I think you mean "pussies".

LENIN
That is you.
PAUL
Band meeting.
RINGO, PAUL AND JOHN LEAVE LENIN ALONE, START DISCUSSING BUT WE
CAN'T HEAR THEM.
LENIN
(MEDITATING - TO AUDIENCE) Can't wait
to conquer world! Take back mother
Russia, and help poor people against
the bourgeois. Me, them, change minds,
help mankind. Frozen 30 years, back
today...
WE HEAR RINGO SCREAM "NOOOOO!" AND THE GUYS COME BACK.
LENIN
Soooo... Lenin or Lenout?
PAUL
You are out man.
GEORGE
Batshit crazy.
LENIN
(SAD) Me? Lenout?
PAUL
Your crusade is too much for us. We
just like to sing.
RINGO
And get girls horny.
LENIN
Change world, you and me.
PAUL
We already did that.
RINGO
Now, money!
GEORGE
C'mon guys, let's go grab a pint. Bye
LENIN!

PAUL AND GEORGE LEAVE THE STAGE WAIVING.

LENIN
(SAD) Well, at least no try kill me.
Advance good.

What?

RINGO
LENIN
(SAD) This first time make friends no
death later.
RINGO
Anyways, thanks for sticking up for me.
RINGO HUGS LENIN AND LEAVES
LENIN IS LEFT ALONE.
LENIN
(SAD) Vlad alone. Always.
SONG: ALL MY FRIENDS (yesterday)
All my friends
For some reason
They all want me dead
Had to worry even
My wedding day
I got a bomb on my birthday
PAUL AND GEORGE SHOW THEIR HEADS AND LOOK THE
STAGE, AMAZED BY THE SONG.
Luckily, never ate pies
That Stalin sent me
Even though they looked
Sweet and tasty
I never fell for gluttony
Why he sent me pies?

I prefer banana bread

I'm so ungrateful
Maybe that's why
They want me dead
All my friends
In Siberia never
Shared their bed
I was freezing
The cold was intense
Is not gay, if you don't say
Gulf of Mexico
I wanted take them away
For a vacation
Even if they
Want me dead
All of them,
They just wanted me for my power
Now they're dead and I am here to stay Mess with Lenin, you'll fade
away
Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm

PAUL, GEORGE AND RINGO COME BACK.

PAUL
Hey man
LENIN
kakiye?
GEORGE
That was awesome.
LENIN

Fo Real?
PAUL
Still want to join us?
LENIN
LenIN?
RINGO
Oh Right!
GEORGE
Congrats man.
LENIN
(HAPPY) All clap!
LENIN DOES HOPAK DANCE AGAIN.
LENIN PULLS A VODKA BOTTLE OUT OF HIS JACKET.
PAUL
You had that on you all this time?
LENIN SERVES VODKA AND CHEERS
LENIN
Vashe Zdorovie!
RINGO
Yes! That!
EVERYBODY DRINKS A SHOT OF VODKA.
GEORGE
Guys, I don't want to be a party
pooper but we have a show tonight.
PAUL
We've rehearsed way too much.
LENIN
I have suggestion to open show!
LENIN HANDS OVER SHEETS.
PAUL
(READING) This is idiotic.

GEORGE
Maybe "idiotic" is what we need.
PAUL
Fuck it. Let's do this.
SONG: RED UP
Red up! Red up! Let me see those red stars, hammers and sickles! Red
up from here to Taipei!
Red up, red up from L.A. to Moscow
Red up, go get yourself a Starry Plough
Red up (No more privatization),
Red up from Delhi to Istanbul
Red up (Or there will be castration),
Meanwhile here we will be burning books
The wreaths of wheat cotton and corn
Will be here almost everyday
From dawn 'until matinee
Red up, cogwheels will find the rising sun
Red up, from right here to Kuala Lumpur
Red up (Join or we will make you bleed)
Red up from Rio to Seoul
Red up (Here we have a lot of weed)
People from the Antarctica too
Red banners with yellow captions
From San Francisco to L.A.
We hate that libertarian state
Mao Tsetung
Rise....
Just don't forget to bring your torch

Red up, hope on a flight with Aeroflot

Red up (There will be a new nation)
Bring babies that just left the womb
Red up (right after the lactation)
From Chile to Saint Petersburg
We'll control everything you do
And forget about the buffet
We'll put pirozhki on your plate
That is Russian typical food
We'll also give you vinegret
We will add an extra kissel, if you come and stay

END OF ACT I

ACT II - RED BEATROOTS

AFTER A VERY SHORT BREAK, THE STAGE IS EMPTY AGAIN.
EVERYTHING IS THE SAME, BUT NICER AND READY TO PERFORM THE
SHOW. INSTRUMENTS ARE IN PLACE, LIGHTS ARE DIMMED, BUT THIS
TIME THE STAGE HAS A LOT MORE RED THAN BEFORE, IN LIGHTS AND
APPAREL.
VOICE OFF
Ladies and gentleman, give it up,
once again, for the greatest band in
the world!

THE BAND, LED BY LENIN, ENTER THE STAGE MARCHING, VERY

SERIOUS, AND EACH ONE GO TO THEIR INSTRUMENTS. ONCE THE SONG
STARTS THE STAGE GOES COLORFUL AND THE GUYS GO CHEERFUL
AGAIN, IN A RADICAL CHANGE OF TONE.
THEY PERFORM THIS SONG AS A TIGHT BAND.

SONG: OH BLA DI, OH GULAG

Rodion wants to go and join the red army
Sasha wants him to stay in their house
Rodion wants to show the world he is very brave
But Sasha tempts him by unbuttoning her blouse

Oh bla di, to Gulag, that's where you'll go

If you stay in your household
Oh bla di, to Gulag, that's where you'll go
Forced labor will freeze your toes.

Rodion takes the family to a shopping mall,

shows them why he needs to go and fight
Sasha buys a coke and throws it right away,
says with this system she could also choose a Sprite

Oh bla di, to Gulag, that's where you'll go

If you stay in your household
Oh bla di, to Gulag, that's where you'll go
To be feeded to a crow

"But honey Gulag is scary and very cold, What would you do
if I freeze and die or worst, my balls and dick fall off?
Yeah, happy ever after in recruitment place,
Sasha waves as Rodion leaves the sand.
She will be a good comrade and stay a virgin there, while
Rodion is abroad meeting girls and getting tanned.

Oh bla di, to Gulag, that's where you'll go

If you stay in your household
Oh bla di, to Gulag, that's where you'll go
There's no coming back, you know.
GEORGE
Did we just asked people to join the
communist army?
LENIN
(SMILING) Maybe..
PAUL
I guess we are communists now?
RINGO
We are all the same. Finally.
LENIN
Me want discuss you idea. Pitch.
PAUL
You've been in our band for like an
hour and you want to pitch an idea?
GEORGE

You don't become a revolutionary

Russian dictator by waiting for a
moment to pitch.
LENIN
Change band name.
RINGO
Whaaat? But I love being a Beat...
GEORGE
(INTERRUPTS) Don't say it! We
don't have the rights...
PAUL
The right to jinx our show!
LENIN
You hear idea.
Tell us.

GEORGE
LENIN
New name "The Bolshebeats"!
A HUGE POSTER WITH THE NEW BAND NAME DROPS IN THE
BACKGROUND.
THE GUYS LOOK A LITTLE SHOCKED.
I

RINGO
love it!

PAUL
This is waaaay too many changes for
a day.
GEORGE
We make a show with that thing on
the background and we will get
heckled.
True that.

RINGO
LENIN
Be no scared my band comrad. Being
called a communist should be honor.
PAUL
No, it's not.
RINGO

Confusing.
GEORGE
Will this affect the way girls look
at me when I sing?
Yes.
Then no.

LENIN
GEORGE
LENIN
They will look you hypnotic. Move
pelvis, get wet.
GEORGE
Sounds about fun. Paul?
PAUL
I can't be named a commie. Too
embarrassing.
LENIN
Paul, my friend, worry no, we
conquer world, I give you Missouri
for you.
RINGO
I want Idaho, lots of potatoes
there.
Yours now.

LENIN
PAUL
This is ridiculous. I'm not a
commie.
LENIN
Listen careful.

SONG: CALL ME COMMIE (All my loving)

There's a word that I'll teach you
You have to let it through
This may not be easy to chew

"The red under the bed"

You just don't have to care
Just remember their future is screwed

They will try to be pissie

But friend, don't get dizzy
You can try call their mother names too

Tell them she is so ugly

She looks like a monkey
They had to feed her with a slingshot

Call me commie,
In Fifth Avenue
Call me commie,
You and all your crew

Bullying is not accepted

I'd have them arrested
If this was my soviet dreamland

I'd force them to obey

Get their families pay
But I will call their mother Shamoo

Call me commie,
"Pinko" does sound good

Call me commie,
"Hyphenated" too

Call me commie,
Call me commie,
Call me commie,
Your mamma says moo
GEORGE
Sounds about right.
LENIN
Girls get wet. You say: (SENSUAL
VOICE) girl are you communist?
Because me having propletariat
uprising in my pants.
RINGO
Classy. I have one too.
PAUL
This make no sense, maybe this is
all a mistake.
LENIN
You say LenIN! No talkie backsies!
RINGO
I have a thing for the ladies: Roses
are red, Violets are red, everything
is red! Communism period!
GEORGE
How many times should we tell you
not to joke about a girl's period
while hitting on her.
LENIN
Blood is good. Gives power.
GEORGE
Santa Claus is probably a communist.
Also white beard, probably a
pacifist. Wonder what's on the pipe
he smokes.

PAUL
This is ridiculous. We don't look
communists, even if we wanted to.
GEORGE
We DO dress the same like all the
time.
RINGO
(MOCKING) Whatever John
wants.. as always.
GEORGE
Communism is like a big mean phone
company.
PAUL
That's true. Hey Lenin, what do you
say if...

LENIN INTERRUPTS AND START SINGING

SONG: WEAR IT FREE (let it be)
When I find myself browsing for new clothes
Haunted by Vogue and Seventeen
Khaki pants and black boots, are for me
To look like a good Marxist
A beige shirt and old coat is all you need
And now you're down for business, to a degree.

A full beard, not goatee,

Is the face hair you need.
You'll look scary and fearsome,
wear it free

If it has holes

get knitting needles

When you're done scream "whoopee!"
Almost there my comrade,
wear it free

And now you are in the Party

Waiting orders to receive
You'll pass the control system, if you live
Make a hole, or a zip
For when you go wee wee
We're comrades and not babies,
wear it free

Grey is love, grey is me

China loves it, they're free
At least you are not in prison,
wear it free

You don't need go to ski

To enjoy the cold wind
You'll freeze but will be happy,
wear it free

You are ready, you queen bee

For the land, and the sea
And you won't get skin cancer,
wear it free

RINGO
So now we keep dressing all the same
and keep singing about sharing and
loving.
LENIN
Not loving. Niet.
GEORGE
Yep, is pretty much the same, but
now a whole country will hate us for
it.
PAUL
Ridiculous. We sing the same, dress
the same, but apparently having an
extremely aggressive russian
dictator with lots of deaths in his
hands make us dangerous for their
daughters.
GEORGE
They will think we are dangerous no
matter what.
LENIN
No talkie backsies. LenIN. Remember
or pay.
RINGO
(LOW) You are so hot.
GEORGE
We have enemies now?
LENIN
Have you ever been shot? is fun.
PAUL
I can't believe we are having this
conversation.
No.

GEORGE
LENIN
I did. By a girl.
PAUL, GEORGE AND RINGO ARE IMPRESSED.
LENIN
Yes. Girl Power. Boom.
THE GUYS MOCK LENIN

LENIN
Big secret. Sad.
LIGHTS DIM

SONG: FANNY KAPLAN (Here comes the sun)

Fanny Kaplan
She had a gun
She shot me,
in cold blood

1918
I was just seeing a factory
She was arming
She shot me three times that cunt whore

Fanny Kaplan
She was no fun
She caused a civil war
She lost her sight
In a prison camp in Siberia
She recovered
So she can shoot me in the face

Fanny Kaplan
She tried to run
Right after,
but was caught

Fun, fun, fun, it was not

One by one,
I was shot
It left an awful hole
Close to the liver spot
Sad day was in august

Why you called me

"A traitor to the revolution"
Now you will die
You can't attack me and go clear

Fanny Kaplan
A garbage can
Holds her, in graphite
Fanny Kaplan
She shot the man
At sunlight,
there's no spite

Sad.

RINGO
LENIN
Weird. Me horny thinking Fanny
Kaplan.
GEORGE
Sounds hot.
PAUL
did you call her after?
LENIN
Na. Had her walk in

snow, blind.

Funny. HAHAHAHA.
RINGO
You are scary man.
GEORGE
I guess we shouldn't mess with you.
LENIN
Is simple, mess with me, die.
PAUL
Like Stalin did.
GEORGE AND RINGO SCREAM "OHHHH!", PROVOKING A FIGHT.
LENIN
What you say?
PAUL
I know a few things I learned back
in the USSR.
LENIN
He tried to kill me too.
RINGO STICKS A MASSIVE FAKE MUSTACHE IN HIS FACE
RINGO
Look! I'm Stalin!
LENIN
Only women and children wear
mustache! Real men have beards!
GEORGE
C'mon man. You need to chill.
LENIN
Me tell you about Stalin. He was a
dictator... a bad one.
Like John!

RINGO
LENIN
He ruled in terror.
RINGO
Like John...
LENIN
He didn't respect pacts.

Like John?
And had
You win.

RINGO
LENIN
20 million people killed.
RINGO
GEORGE
Sometimes I wonder that.
What.

PAUL
GEORGE
If we asked our fans to kill
themselves, what would happen?
RINGO
We'll become Stalin.
LENIN
Me don't care. No mustache please.
RINGO
How about you? how many deaths are
you responsible for?
LENIN
Just six million.
PAUL
Holy cow! How long did it take you?!
LENIN
Around six weeks.
RINGO STARTS COUNTING HIS FINGERS, HE IS CALCULATING.
GEORGE
Wow! That's insane!
LENIN
Nah. Stalin won. Me loser.
RINGO KEEPS CALCULATING.
PAUL
How do you sleep at night man.
LENIN
I don't. Freeze myself.

RINGO
It's a million deaths a week! Wow!
LENIN
Lenin more efficient.
GEORGE
(SARCASTIC) Clearly...
LENIN
Had great plans.
PAUL
You need people alive to hand them
your plans, right.
LENIN
Bummer. This makes Lenin sad.
PAUL
Oh, c'mon man, we are just messing
with you.
GEORGE
We do it to Ringo all the time.
You do?

RINGO
PAUL
Shut up Ringo.
LENIN
Yes, shut up.
GEORGE
Don't cry man.
LENIN
(IN THE VERGES OF TEARS) Song.
SONG: OH STALIN. (Oh Darling!)
Oh Stalin!
Ruthless Marxist
You caught my eye while exiled
A clever kid from Georgia
Were when I met you in Finland

Oh Stalin!
Always angry
Why did I throw you a bone
You helped me leave the country
Then in October we won

You were beastly

For you everything meant a war
You got weird with daily meltdowns
Confide

When I saw you

Torturing rebels on the floor
When I taught you to just kill them
In the spot

Oh Stalin!
You're a sadist
That's when you caused me a stroke
You sent me to the country
Half hour away from Moscow

It was boring!
You controlled everything
I saw
Well I know you sent to kill me

Tough guy

Stupid Stalin!
You were so hot when you were young
But now with your moustache you look like
Saddam

Oh Stalin
Where is your beard
Me, Marx and Castro have one
Stop shaving, cover your face
Are you scared of Uncle Sam?

RINGO
(JEALOUS) Well MAYBE, just
maybe, we'd be better with
Stalin, he did a lot more than
you.
LENIN
LenIN. No talkie Backsies.
GEORGE
I think you love the guy.
LENIN
Shut up. You die.
PAUL
They say best friends and lovers had
conversations that can only be
understand by them.
GEORGE
How did you call Stalin?
LENIN
Privet mon drug.
RINGO
You love him! HAHA!

I don't

LENIN
GEORGE
C'mon man, is clear.
LENIN
What me talk to Besarionis Dze
Jughashvili my problem.

ALL THE GUYS BURST IN LAUGHTER

PAUL
Maybe we should sing the song Lenin
wrote about how awesome Stalin is.
LENIN
How you find that.
GEORGE
I loved it.
Me too!

RINGO
ALL THE GUYS GRAB THEIR INSTRUMENTS. LENIN IS UPSET BUT
TAKES HIS GUITAR AND THE BAND STARTS.
SONG: STALIN'S FIVE YEAR PLAN (A Hard day's night)
Stalin's five-year plan,
Really lifted the soviet bloc
Stalin's five-year plan,
saved them from eating their dogs
Industrial quotas were new,
And agricultural too
Will take away the blight

In 1928,
The first Five Year Plan, made its debut
Collectivization of farms you say

At the expense of consumer goods

And only took them four years,
A lot of red blood and tears,
Got back their appetite

It just works,
because Stalin is uptight
And who knows,
But Gulag comes to my mind, mind, yeah

In 1933,
The second plan was here to flog
Was pretty much the same,
Russia was no more underdog
The third plan wasn't so smooth
Had to stop for World War 2,
The Hitler parasite

But the fourth plan wasn't blown,

The fifth and sixth carved in stone
Stalin was their white knight

The twelfth and final plan,

Will be a disaster, all time low
Hit their heads with a pan
They will go back to eating dogs
But Stalin is very nice,

Might also feed them with mice

And maybe a fleabite
GEORGE
Yup, I'm in. Bolshebeats for the
win.
C'mon man.

PAUL
LENIN
You good comrad. Com-rad.
RINGO
I guess is up to PAUL then.
GEORGE
Let's do this. Let's make a real
revolution.
RINGO
With riots and stuff.
Me likey.

LENIN
PAUL
I don't know. We have a good thing
going here. We might ruin it for
good.
RINGO
Paul! When has communism ruin
anything!
PAUL
I guess you are right.
LENIN
We conquer world. We own world! Kill
other bands! no more rock but us!
GEORGE
For me, every song is like a fish.
We take it out of the sea and hand
it over to our fans. I'm afraid if
we kill rock, people might get bored
only listening to the beat...
LENIN
(INTERRUPTS) Bolshebeats
GEORGE

Bolshebeats, and might start

creating revolting insurgent rock
bands, and wont like us anymore.
PAUL
Feed a man a fish and he will eat
for a day. Force a man to fish...
LENIN
I have other say. Build a man a fire
and he be hot for day. Set a man on
fire and he hot the rest of his
life!
RINGO
Mister LENIN, I have a tribute to
you.
LENIN
Good Ringo.

LIGHTS DIM. RINGO TAKES THE STAGE AND START SINGING.

SONG: YELLOW OH CHI MINH. (Yellow submarine)

In Vietnam, a man was born
In the year 1890.
His name is rather unknown
His nickname, "enlightened" means

Left to France, then to Moscow

Then in China, he has been
That's where he did meet and learn
About the communist party

All rise up to the Yellow Ho Chi Minh

The Yellow Ho Chi Minh
He was a war machine

Please stand up for the Yellow Ho Chi Minh

The Yellow Ho Chi Minh
Fighting is just routine

Then as ruler of Vietnam

Fought the French in Indochina
Many men got there to slay
(Band plays)

All rise up to the Yellow Ho Chi Minh

The Yellow Ho Chi Minh
He didn't like sardine
All rise up to the Yellow Ho Chi Minh
The Yellow Ho Chi Minh
His wife was just eighteen

Then Americans appeared

With their tanks,
behind the trees
But they lost and had to run
In the hands of Ho Chi Minh

All rise up to the Yellow Ho Chi Minh

The Yellow Ho Chi Minh
Maybe yellowish green
PAUL
That was extremely racist.
LENIN

(SMILING) is
do for me.

nicest thing you

GEORGE
Still very, very racist.
PAUL
I hope no one ever gets to listen to
that.
GEORGE
Might get a lot of people angry.
Yes!

LENIN
PAUL
You still don't get it Lenin. We
want to get people happy, not angry.
We've been trying that for years.
Boring.

LENIN
GEORGE
We just want to be a band that helps
the world, we don't want to destroy
it.
LENIN
You sure no more intentions?
PAUL
No, that's it.
RINGO
C'mon guys, tell the truth.
LENIN
No want green papers? copper coins?
What?

GEORGE
LENIN
Cash-ing cash-ing?
PAUL
No man, money is no problem for us.
GEORGE
We just want to secure our futures.
RINGO

Hey, we could secure about, let me

think, twenty six generations about
now.
PAUL
You never know what will happen to
gen twenty seven.
GEORGE
What if they get cancer?
LENIN
Cancer fixing machine future free.
RINGO
You greedy bastards.
GEORGE AND PAUL ARE SHOCKED BY THE RESPONSE.
RINGO
Well, that's what you are.
LENIN
you have wrong idea about plan.
How?

GEORGE
LENIN
We no poor when win and conquer.
PAUL
I thought communism was all about
sharing.
LENIN
Other, not me. Me rich, very rich.
And you. Rich too.
RINGO
This day keeps getting better and
better.
GEORGE
How does it work mister Lenin?
Guide us.

PAUL
LENIN
Memorabilia. You have fans. We have
souvenirs. Sickles and hammers for
concerts, very expensive.

PAUL
You are a very clever man Mr Lenin.

SONG: HAMMER AND SICKLE WITH PRIDE (Ticket to ride)

If food you want to provide to your family, yeah

Gear up and be a good comrade,
and get underpaid

Hammer and sickle with pride,

the biggest symbol east side
Go get the world terrified,
raise your left hand

The hammer means industrial,

the proletariat, yeah
The sickle means peasantry,
the farmers are proud

Hammer and sickle with pride,

they go together by side
They're not like Jekyll and Hyde,
can't get nightmares

Hurry and with discount you can buy,

hammer and sickle
Also a red star, for free
We're out but we'll get you on standby

To get a cheap price,

display love for the party

I know you want them for free,

and don't spend a dime, yeah
But that's so unfair to me,
I came up with the sign

Hammer and sickle with pride,

all fees and taxes applied
You can go buy them in a
concessionaire

We'll get capitalism to die,

a very small price
A very convenient fee
We have them spotted right in the bull's eye
A small sacrifice,
a little credit for me

Their future economy

Is going to breakdown
To prove their freedom is mean
You need to pay down

Hammer and sickle with pride

Capitalism good-bye

Lenin is not the bad guy

But will get paid

It isn't unfair,
to pay the daycare
I'm no billionaire,
but better prepare
The war I'll declare,
buy a teddy bear.
GEORGE
Now I get it.
PAUL
The Bolshebeats will conquer the
world!
Yeeeeah!

RINGO
LENIN
Me been thinking about it.
GEORGE
About what... (IRONIC) comrad
Lenin?
LENIN
Good start, but
PAUL
What, my fellow citizen Lenin?
LENIN
Do you have help at home?
RINGO
Of course. Seven maids. One for each
day of the week.
LENIN
(SERIOUS) very funny. How
about you George?
GEORGE
I don't have help permanently in my
ski lodge, because we hire help when

we go there.
LENIN
How about you Paul? Anybody making
your bed?
PAUL
Me and my girl rock it so hard, we
need three people just to help us
get us to the shower.
RINGO
And there, keep making love.
PAUL
Stop dreaming about my wive Ringo.
LENIN
Well, I think about it. You
Burgeoise, deserve to die.

LENIN PULLS OUT A HAND GUN AND A MACHINE GUN HE WAS KEEPING
IN HIS COAT.
RINGO, PAUL AND GEORGE ARE SHOCKED, FRIGHTENED, SCARED AND
HOLD THEIR HANDS UP.
PAUL
What the hell?
LENIN
Now you die, me very famous,
Bolshebeats solo band.
GEORGE
C'mon man! please don't kill us!
LENIN
Why not. Good plan.
RINGO
I know we shouldn't have trusted in
a crazy russian dictator with six
million deaths on his hands!
LENIN
Six million three in a couple of
minutes.
GEORGE
Please don't kill us! I have many
things in my bucket list!

PAUL
Me too! I want to sing in the moon!
GEORGE
I want to buy a country!
RINGO
I want to have a threesome!
PAUL
What? You never had a threesome?
GEORGE
I slept with twelve girls this
morning.
LENIN
Loser. You die now.
GEORGE
Wait! You need to perform tonight,
right?
LENIN
Yes. Me band now. solo.
GEORGE
But people will complain, they'll
ask for their money back and you
will be broke.
PAUL
No more revolution!
RINGO
I don't understand.
GEORGE AND PAUL
Shut up Ringo!
LENIN
What do you propose.
PAUL
Give us one more chance. One song.
GEORGE
We know you have an extra song, you
told us in the intermission.
LENIN
It was surprise. You ruin surprise!
You die!

Please no!

RINGO
LENIN
ok, one more song.

LENIN GRABS PAUL AND GEORGE AND POINTS THEIR HEADS.

RINGO HURRIES TO HIS PLACE.
LENIN
(MIC) Hello, this will be a
song to die for, HAHAHAAH.
RINGO HURRIES TO HIS PLACE.
SONG: BABY YOU CAN DRIVE MY TANK (Baby you can drive my car)
PAUL AND GEORGE ARE VERY SCARED.
LENIN IS POINTING THE MACHINE GUN GUITAR TO PAUL'S HEAD.

There's the soldier that I wanted to be

He asked if ive seen any facist pig
Working for peanuts keeps bringing me down
Unless we all work for the same ammount

Baby you can drive my tank

Yes im gonna start a war
Baby you can drive my tank
So pray I dont kill you...
Boom, boom, boom, boom, yeah!

I asked to see what was under the Hood,

"no Ford engine, that's for sure"
"My tank rides well with the blood of Fidel

So we better go now and gather some Intel

Baby you can drive my tank

Yes im gonna start a war
Baby you can drive my tank
So pray I dont kill you...
Boom, boom, boom, boom, yeah!

I told the soldier "I can go right away"

He said "listen kid I got something to say"
"I have no tank and is breaking my heart,
But I tied some pipes to a shopping cart"

Baby you can drive my tank

Yes im gonna start a war
Baby you can drive my tank
So pray I dont kill you...
Boom, boom, boom, boom, yeah!
LENIN
That was funny. But die anyways.
GEORGE
Please Mister LENIN, pardon our
lives.1
LENIN STARTS LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY.
SUDDENLY, OUT OF THE BLUE, HE GETS A BRITISH ACCENT.
LENIN
I have to admit, this was
hillarious.
John?

PAUL

LENIN
Of course I'm John.
GEORGE
But you left to Antarctica!
LENIN
Na' too cold.
Nooooooo!

RINGO
PAUL
Why did you do this!?
LENIN
They will call it in the future,
social experiment.Did you really
believe the "freezing" thing? that's
idiotic.
GEORGE
you know what? go to hell.
PAUL
Yes, go to hell.
RINGO
I can't believe this.
RINGO, PAUL AND GEORGE LEAVE THE STAGE VERY ANGRY.
LENIN GETS BACK HIS RUSSIAN ACCENT.
LENIN
Or am I? This people has no fighting
will, I'll rule this band alone!
Kill the cowards, kill the
insurgents! (BACK TO BRITISH ACCENT)
And kill those out of style. This
song is for you.

SONG: IMAGINE
Imagine there's no money
Only government stamps
No more TV ads
That I can certify

Imagine all the people

Kneel in front of me
Ah, ah, aaaah.

Imagine there's no Stalin

Marx and me will do
Ready to win a world war
And in our free time, screw
You might say I'm a killer
But I love to hold a gun
I hope someday I'll lead you
Or hunting you will be as fun

There will be no possessions

Unless your name is Vlad
Change your name for a number
And no retirement plan
Imagine all you weasels
All up scared and curled
Yoohoo, ohohoh

You may say I'm a schemer

I just plan in the long run
If you don't choose to join me
God have mercy on your ass

THE END