WASHINGTON, D.C.

-- Americans went to vote at the polls in large numbers, waitin

g up to 45 minutes to cast their votes
except those living in states allowing ea
rly voting, who had the option of waiting two or three hours at the Post Office.
Likable, honest and trustworthy Hillary Clinton seemed to be winning, in accorda
nce with all the polls. Unfortunately, the closing time for polls was several ho
urs later than the opening time for bars. The bars opened, people got blind stin
king drunk, they went to vote and pressed the wrong button and instead voted for
Donald Trump. Trump's slogan was "Make America Great Again," Hillary countered
that that would not be necessary as everyone has health care, and voters decided
America is pretty great when you are blind stinking drunk.
Brief hesitancy among millennials uninterested in either 70-year-old candidate w
as resolved because many states put legalization of pot on the same ballot. Many
of these voters did not realize that one has to wait before lighting up the doo
bie until the votes have been tallied and lighting up becomes legal. Other mille
nnials, in states with paper ballots, mistakenly believed that the ballot was th
e splib, and lit it up, requiring them to sheepishly request a new ballot, in mo
st cases before the sprinklers came on.
Because of these irregularities, the states on the map started changing colors a
s though Fox News polling consultant Bob Beckel were spilling food on it, marina
ra sauce all over the Rust Belt and meatballs splashing everywhere. The voting t
elevision audience began to get new pangs of the munchies.
Trump Tower 1
These liberals who sputtered when Rush Limbaugh said he "wanted Obama to fail" n
ow let bygones be bygones and vow to "obstruct, delay, and halt" the Trump agend
a, provided someone figures out what it is.
Trump
despite doing all things wrong and never being in government before
starte
d to win electoral votes almost as fast as Clinton was gobbling up the votes of
actual citizens. Clinton finally gave up, and Trump won the election. Clinton ha
d a plan for beating Trump, but it was in an email attachment from her old priva
te server that got deleted by accident by BleachBit. She could have read it on t
he Wikileaks site, but her federal Blackberry had Wikileaks blacklisted and Hill
ary's other devices had fallen underneath a hammer. Without a solid plan, Clinto
n went with her gut instincts.
A record number of celebrities promised they would move to Canada if Trump won,
and in the era of selfies and Twitter, many felt obliged to do some actual resea
rch. This crashed the Immigration Canada website, which normally gets about twen
ty requests to immigrate in a given year. Celebrities like Barbra Streisand did
their research on the Elimination Canada website, at TimHorton.ca.
The year 2016 had been dropping hints that it would not obey any conventional ru
les. The biggest hint was when the Chicago Cubs won baseball's World Series afte
r 108 years and several debilitating jinxes. Trump supporters are not looking to
his Presidential transition team as much as toward Hell to see if it is freezin
g over.
Trump will become the first U.S. President to be in the WWE Hall of Fame. His di
splay there celebrates his famous wrestling move, in which he ties his own tongu
e in knots. Jesse Ventura had hoped for this honor, following his whirlwind came
o as Governor of Minnesota, but was too busy chasing conspiracy theories to qual
ify for the ballot. Similarly, Hulk Hogan was in court.
Left-wingers, and people on the alt-left, left-shift, and alt-left-Ctrl fear tha
t, with Trump winning the White House and his fellow Republicans holding onto th
e House of Representatives and Senate, they will be able to do anything they wan
t, including pulling a big Ctrl-Alt-Delete on the nation. They asked their frien
ds and family on social networks if they voted for Trump, as their only option n
ow is to Unfriend people. Unfortunately, the usual response was that Republicans
had to put up with 8 years of Barack Obama, so it is now only fair that Democra
ts suffer through 4 years of Trump. Women who tweeted that they would release nu
de photos of themselves if Hillary won, instead made their profiles private. For
many of them, it was the first loss of their lives that was not eased with a Pa
rticipation Trophy. And Madonna can only give meaning to her own promise by goin

g several days without giving anyone a blowjob.

Commentator Anderson Cooper at CNN did not take the Trump victory well. Neither
did any other network but Fox News. The entire Fox staff had used Trump to boost
a 24/7 audience, but it turned out Trump used Fox and all the free advertising
to give himself numbers of 306-232. The resulting TV audience mistook Donald Tru
mp for Batman, as both are billionaires fighting crime, the difference being tha
t Trump does not have a hot line phone to the Police Commissioner's office. Trum
p is on the speed dial of the Mayor himself. Trump is not the president we want,
he is the president we deserve, because he is tough, and he can take it, unless
the guy dishing it out is a judge of Mexican descent.
The stock market plummeted the night after the results came in, which network ex
perts state was caused by the Trump victory. On Wednesday, however, they shot up
, which network experts state occurred despite the Trump victory. What actually
happened is that the New World Order was simply shuffling money into different i
nvestment accounts. The turmoil convinced many Americans they had voted incorrec
tly. However, as the previous evening's buzz had not worn off, many started mock
ing Trump again. After all, he can't retaliate until January 20 when he takes of
fice.