WP 1

Amanda Santiago
WP1
10/25/16
Avoiding Justice
There are many types of literary genre everywhere. If you are writing about food, you would
want to look into menus at certain restaurants, If you are researching a specific athlete you
might want to look at their accomplishments. Most genres has its own exigency such as
Domestic Violence Cases. If you are not familiar with domestic violence you should take a look
at a victim's written statement writing is a word-by-word, sentence-by-sentence process(Bunn
72) that can help you better understand exactly what you are reading.
Domestic disturbances can be heard about a lot in the media, online, on TV shows like TMZ,
and even in the newspaper.
If you are a celebrity the media outlets such as TMZ should have reports and the celebrity
statements posted on their website. Domestic disturbances also occur in the sports world. For
example, according to Ryan Phillips's article, the NFL does not handle domestic violence cases
properly. New York Giants kicker Josh Brown has been in multiple incidences of domestic
violence. Joshs domestic violence cases has occurred since 2001 up to 2016 resulting in only
one in game suspension. According to police documents, Brown's wife Molly accused him of
being physical with her more than 20 times in the year 2015. She claims that during several
occasions Brown Pushed her against a door, yelled at her or slammed on the floor in April
2015. The Giants then gave Brown a 2 year, $4 million deal in April, before his suspension.
When The Giant's coach Roger Goodell was asked about the behavior of Brown he claims that
Commented [1]: Is this your most recent draft? After

Friday's class, you should have give it another
thorough editing/revising, especially after you got
feedback from the peer/reader review workshop.
Commented [2]: I think I told you this in class (not sure
why you didn't change it), but this "hook" isn't very
attention-grabbing. How can you get your readers
jazzed up about reading this? What interesting topicmeets-writing observations did you make that you
could share with your reader?
Commented [3]: OK, I like how you're using "exigence
here," now I'm wondering: what IS the exigence for
various genres in domestic violence cases?
Commented [4]: I like how you're citing Bunn here, but
I don't know if this flows within the sentence as
smoothly as it could. You might be missing a word or a
phrase. Trying reading it aloud to see if you can "hear"
what's going on.
Commented [5]: Santiago, most readers are going to
be looking for that towards the end of your Intro in a
"research-based thesis driven argument" (i.e., this type
of paper, which is its own unique genre!). It's the end
of your first paragraph and I don't know what,
specifically, you'll be arguing in this paper. What
*about* domestic violenc cases? What genres did you
choose? What conventions will you be focusing on?
What do you want to convince me of?
Commented [6]: Santiago, a couple of formatting
thoughts for you: 1, indenting your paragraphs is a way
to signal to your reader -- hey, a new main idea is
coming up! (otherwise it can, visually, get lost within the
whole paper) and 2, why is this sentence a "standing
alone" like it is?
Commented [7]: This is interesting stuff here,
Santiago, but -- as a reader -- I feel like you're jumping
around a bit too much. Use your topic sentence to give
your reader a preview of what's coming up in the
paragraph.
This paragraph is about ______. What? A statement
from a celebrity athlete? (That's definitely it's own
genre -- typically in the form of an apology!) If so, what
do you want to say about that -- what do you want to
get across? The more direction you give me, the
easier of a time I'll be able to have while I'm reading
your work.
Commented [8]: OK, so something interesting is
happening here -- it sounds like the conventions of 1
genre include references to an entirely different genre.
That's something really cool and worth digging into
even more. Could you make this a part of your main
argument? (I'm not really sure what your argument is
at this point.)
he was not given enough facts from the law enforcement and this prevented him from taking
further actions, besides the one suspension.
Choosing how to express your meaning is every bit as important as the message itself(Boyd
87).In a way Goodall used rhetoric during his interview with BBC. Goodall argues,Well you
have to go and get the facts. We have asked repeatedly for those facts and the information
thats been gathered by law enforcement both orally and in writing. And we werent able to get
access to it. So you have to make decisions on whatever information you have. This is his
excuse and reasoning for not giving Josh Brown a longer suspension or a different penalty. But
what does Josh Brown have to say about this? Josh admitted that he objectified women and
never really worried about the pain and hurt he caused them.
In this example we are able to determine who the victim is, who the defendant is, we can also
determine their tones. Molly obviously is scared that her husband has raised his voice and
Commented [9]: OK, this is all interesting, but I'm

wondering why you're telling me this. How/why does
this relate to your main argument?
Commented [10]: This is an awesome quote to pluck,
BUT Id advise you to refrain from using free-floating
quotes (ie, sentences that start and end with a quote).
The reader is probably going to be left wondering,
Who is saying/citing this, and how/why is it relevant?
Wheres it coming from? Try to introduce the quote
and give it context.
Commented [11]: Yes, nice observation!
(But remember: this is only useful it supports your main
argument. Everything, everything, everything needs to
come back to directly support your argument.)
I'm not saying that you can't/shouldn't use this, but I AM
saying that I'd like you to more clearly explain how/why
this supports your argument.
Commented [12]: Looks like you're quoting a source -where is this coming from?
Commented [13]: Can you give me more examples of
this -- references to the texts/genres themselves?
Commented [14]: What do you mean here?
have gotten physical with her. Josh doesn't really seem to address the situation with any
remorse.
Celebrity domestic disputes have a lot of textual literacy. Police reports such as- what the
problem is, where did the crime happen, what time did this occur, and who is involved. Some
more literacy can also be documents that the police found or statements.
If you wish to see the domestic violence statistics visit the Bureau of Justice Statistics
website. The website site shows studies that compares the domestic and non-domestic
offenses of sexual and aggravated assault on 11 prosecution, conviction, and sentencing
outcome measures. This data states that domestic sexual assault dependants have a 98% rate
of overall conviction. It also states Domestic aggravated assault defendants (54%) were less
likely to be granted pretrial release than non-domestic aggravated assault defendants (62%).
Here is another Domestic Violence written in Huffington Post, this article is titled This Is How A
Domestic Violence Victim Falls Through The Cracks. This story is about a woman named
Commented [15]: Also, try to bring a little more

specificity to your topic sentences -- the more
directions you give me (as a reader), the better of a job
I can do in following you (the writer).
Commented [16]: There are very valuable thoughts
here, Santiago, but it's not a sentence. Trying reading
it out loud to see if you can pick up on what might be
missing. (I'm also not sure what you're trying to do with
the hyphen...)
Commented [17]: Yes, for sure. Are these genres that
you'll be analyzing?
Take a step back from your paper for a quick sec,
Santiago. Do you think it would help people's reading
experiences if they knew what genres you'll be
analyzing in your paper? I think so, and that's why
introductions are so critical -- that's why laying out the
scope of your paper from the get-go is so important.
Use your introduction like a roadmap to your whole
paper. :)
Commented [18]: Interesting facts/statistics here, but
why are you sharing them with me? What are you
hoping to accomplish by including them in your paper?
How does it relate back to your argument?
Commented [19]: Is this a new genre? If so, I think
you want to make that super-clear. You're changing
directions a bit -- from the Bureau of Stats piece to this
Huffington Post piece. Whenever you "shift gears"
within a paper, you might wanna consider starting a
new paragraph.
Laura Aceves who lived in Berryville, Arkansas. Laura was abused by her now ex-boyfriend
Victor Acuna-Sanchez. Laura moved to Arkansas to avoid her ex that she claims had allegedly
beat her with a baseball bat, dragged her behind a car, strangled her until she blacked out on
the floor and told her over and over how he would kill her if she ever left him. One day after
Laura had finished her shift at work she realized that someone had poured bleach in her gas
tank, terrified she called 911. Laura told the police officer that she had suspected that Victor was
behind all this, she even told the police officer where Victor might be located, but he was not
found. At the time Victor was charged with two prior attack of aggravated assaulted towards
Commented [20]: OK.... what does this have to do

with our assignment -- with studying writing and writers'
decisions?
Laura. Victor was out on bail with the court order to have no contact with Laura and to check in
with probation by phone each week.. 48 hours later Laura was found dead in her apartment
with a gunshot wound to the head and her 4 month old baby still in her arms. Laura's plead for
protection was completely ignored in Arkansas, Laura's mother Ms. Ponce is devastated.
Ms.Ponce told the Sheriff of Berryville what Victor is capable of she even gave him the history of
his past aggression towards her daughter, but Victor didn't serve much jail time.
According to the Violence Policy Center Arkansas has frequently been ranked as one of the 10
worst states in the nation when it comes to men killing women in the last decade. Center for
Commented [21]: I'm not seeing how this is relevant to

this assignment, Santiago. These seem like very
important details, but... so what? Why are the details
of a case important for us, here, studying writing and
genres and exigences and tone and audience, etc, etc?
Commented [22]: Hmmm... I'm not seeing how this
paragraph (and the ideas in it) relate back to the
previous paragraph? Why is this particular paragraph
HERE (and not somewhere else)?
American Progress also states that in 2010 Arkansas had the third-worst gun murder rate for
women in the nation. Arkansas has a big crime rate, a lot of theft, DUI, substance abuse and
Domestic Violence.
Jacquelyn Campbell( the country's leading expert on domestic homicide) testifies that
Arkansas did not use the screening tool that she has created. This screen tool consists of a
series of questions that a victim of violence should be asked, based on their answer you can
then determine if they are in serious danger and how it can be prevented. If Laura were to have
I want you to think about laying out your

argument/paper in the most reader-friendly way. What
organization/structure can help your reader make the
*best sense* of what you're trying to convince them of?
Remember: writing is an endless series of connections.
Does this puzzle piece fit with the last one you laid
down? You either need to move it or reconfigure the
edges so it fits more smoothly.
taken the screening test it would have proved that she was in extreme danger. Now several
states have screening test for their victims.
This article in Huffington Post appeal to women, specially women in Arkansas. There are
affordances and constraints to Jacquelyns screening tests. A victim getting asked specific
questions like, Does your perpetrator own a gun?, can help categorize how much of a threat
your offender is. The sheriff uses incongruity when he blames Laura for her own death and also
stating his opinion domestic violence prevention should focus on why women return to their
abusers, and that it wasnt logical or responsible to think the criminal justice system could
solve the problem. This article also has pathos. Many women died in Arkansas due to the lack
of justice toward domestic violence cases. This article is to help shed some light on this situation
In hopes of change in Arkansass justice system.
Work Cited
Commented [23]: Woooo! These are some very

interesting "rhetorical" observations. *Tell me more
about this.* Try to make this a central part of your
argument.
Also, whenever you introduce major course
concepts/vocab, you might want to take a second to
define/describe what they mean and how you're using
them.
Bunn, Mike. How To Read Like A Writer Writing Spaces: Reading on Writing, Vol.2.
http://thebiglead.com/2016/10/23/roger-goodell-says-public-doesnt-understand-nfl-handling-ofCommented [24]: Santiago: I want you to adhere to
the standard conventions of a "Works Cited" page. If
you're not familiar, a quick Google search will give you
examples of what they should look like.
domestic-violence-cases/
http://thebiglead.com/2016/10/25/josh-brown-releases-two-statements-giants-release-joshbrown/
http://thebiglead.com/2016/10/20/nfl-helped-josh-browns-wife-change-hotel-rooms-at-pro-bowlafter-she-alleged-he-was-drunk-called-security/
http://www.bjs.gov/index.cfm?ty=tp&tid=235
http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5474177
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ENG 101-108 Feedback Matrix for WP1
Table of Textual Features and Qualities

Did Not Meet
Expectations
Thesis Statement
Use of Textual Evidence from

Genres
X
(in the way that
you used them it
wasnt clear how it
related back to
your argument)
Met
Expectations
Exceeded
Expectations
Formatted: Font: (Default) Garamond, Bold

Use of Course Readings
X
(in the way that
you actually DID
INCLUDE
textual
evidenceit just
wasnt clear
how/why it
supported your
argument)
X-

Analysis
Organization/Structure
XX
Attention to Genre/Conventions
and Rhetorical Factors
Main Focus was Placed on the
Writing Itself and the Writers
Choices (Rather than the Topic)
X
X
Sentence-level Clarity, Mechanics,

Flow
X
Santiago,
Comments and Grade

This paper has a ton of potential, and I think its a strong
initial effort. Please read through my comments and check
out some of these thoughts:
-First and foremost, I want you to really fine-tune your

argumentget your thesis statement to be as crisp and
specific as you can. What, exactly, are you arguing in this
paper? What are you trying ot convince me of? Try to
capture that idea in 1 sentence. The more direction you
give me from the get-go, the more Ill be able to follow
your thought process as I read your paper.
-I wasnt sure about what genres you were analyzing until
page 3I think that information is really worth laying out
in the 1st or 2nd paragraph. Again: the more of a roadmap
you give me from the start, the easier of a job Ill have in
following you throughout the paper.
-There were some areas where I thought you focused too
much on the topic itself and not the WRITING. Use
made textual references (to the genres), but I wasnt clear
on how/why they supported your argument. (Partially b/c
I wasnt sure what you argument is.)
-Id like you to ask yourself: what overall organization
would work best for the argument youre making? How
can you best lay out your argument/paper for your reader,
one chunk (paragraph) at a time?
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-Lastly, Id like you to focus a bite more on the different

ways of readingI think that could add a super-interesting
component to your paper here.
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Still, I want to be clear here: Im happy with your work

here. I think that youre right where you ought to be. You
had many strong aspects to your paper, and there are still
some areas where you can improvethats the name of the
game. J
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Z
17/20
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ENG 101-108 Feedback Matrix for WP1
Table of Textual Features and Qualities

Did Not Meet
Expectations
Thesis Statement
Use of Textual Evidence from
Genres
X
X
(in the way that
you used them it
wasnt clear how it
related back to
your argument)
Use of Course Readings
Attention to Genre/Conventions
and Rhetorical Factors
X
(in the way that
you actually DID
INCLUDE
textual
evidenceit just
wasnt clear
how/why it
supported your
argument)
X-
Analysis
Organization/Structure
Met
Expectations
XX
X
Exceeded
Expectations
Main Focus was Placed on the

Writing Itself and the Writers
Choices (Rather than the Topic)

Sentence-level Clarity, Mechanics,

Flow

Santiago,
Comments and Grade

This paper has a ton of potential, and I think its a strong

initial effort. Please read through my comments and check
out some of these thoughts:

-First and foremost, I want you to really fine-tune your

argumentget your thesis statement to be as crisp and
specific as you can. What, exactly, are you arguing in this
paper? What are you trying ot convince me of? Try to
capture that idea in 1 sentence. The more direction you
give me from the get-go, the more Ill be able to follow
your thought process as I read your paper.
-I wasnt sure about what genres you were analyzing until
page 3I think that information is really worth laying out
in the 1st or 2nd paragraph. Again: the more of a roadmap
you give me from the start, the easier of a job Ill have in
following you throughout the paper.
-There were some areas where I thought you focused too
much on the topic itself and not the WRITING. Use
made textual references (to the genres), but I wasnt clear
on how/why they supported your argument. (Partially b/c
I wasnt sure what you argument is.)
-Id like you to ask yourself: what overall organization
would work best for the argument youre making? How
can you best lay out your argument/paper for your reader,
one chunk (paragraph) at a time?

Formatted: Font: (Default) Garamond, Superscript
Formatted: Font: (Default) Garamond, Superscript
-Lastly, Id like you to focus a bite more on the different

ways of readingI think that could add a super-interesting
component to your paper here.
Still, I want to be clear here: Im happy with your work

here. I think that youre right where you ought to be. You
had many strong aspects to your paper, and there are still
some areas where you can improvethats the name of the
game. J
Z
17/20


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Amanda Santiago

Commented [1]: Is this your most recent draft? After

Commented [9]: OK, this is all interesting, but I'm

Commented [15]: Also, try to bring a little more

Commented [20]: OK.... what does this have to do

Commented [21]: I'm not seeing how this is relevant to

I want you to think about laying out your

Commented [23]: Woooo! These are some very

ENG 101-108 Feedback Matrix for WP1

Table of Textual Features and Qualities

Use of Textual Evidence from

Formatted: Font: (Default) Garamond, Bold

Use of Course Readings

Formatted: Font: (Default) Garamond, Bold

Sentence-level Clarity, Mechanics,

Comments and Grade

-First and foremost, I want you to really fine-tune your

-Lastly, Id like you to focus a bite more on the different

Still, I want to be clear here: Im happy with your work

ENG 101-108 Feedback Matrix for WP1

Table of Textual Features and Qualities

Use of Course Readings

Main Focus was Placed on the

Formatted: Font: (Default) Garamond, Bold

Sentence-level Clarity, Mechanics,

Formatted: Font: (Default) Garamond

Formatted: Font: (Default) Garamond

This paper has a ton of potential, and I think its a strong

Formatted: Font: (Default) Garamond

-First and foremost, I want you to really fine-tune your

Formatted: Font: (Default) Garamond, Bold

Formatted: Font: (Default) Garamond

-Lastly, Id like you to focus a bite more on the different

Formatted: Font: (Default) Garamond

Formatted: Font: (Default) Garamond

Still, I want to be clear here: Im happy with your work

Formatted: Font: (Default) Garamond

Formatted: Font: (Default) Garamond

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