College Writing 9C

Tsuyoshi Akasaka
Tsuoshi- Good work with your revision. The essays grade is B. Youve brought your essay into
much clearer focus by concentrating on this one negative aspect. You also do a nice job of
presenting and answering a counterargument. One way you can improve future essays of this
type (like the second argument essay) is to write more, considering multiple aspects of your
points and offering more examples and discussion of the significance. Notice that your paper
doesnt quite meet the minimum page requirement. This means that it doesnt really provide
enough explanation or support to adequately support your argument. In the future, think about
presenting multiple perspectives (for example, SNS adds to sex crimes and another type of
crime?) as a way to develop your topic more fully. Finally, in this type of essay, avoid using
section headings. We used these in the short report, but they shouldnt be used in a standard
essay.

Introduction
Almost all countries have been experiencing the advancement of information technology
recently. Thanks to the technology, people can do much more than in the past. For example, SNS,
which stands for social network service, is one of the results of the IT improvements.
Interestingly, there are characteristics of SNS users depending on users age or time in Japan.
Unfortunately, SNS can now be used for illegal activity which calls into question our reliance on
these social networks.
Body
More and more people have started to use SNS in their daily lives. Generally accepted, it
is more probable that people started to use SNS in their daily life more often than before s. In

Japan, people who use their SNS on smartphones use Line the most, which is a communication
app where people can text and make a call for free with Internet just like messenger. It seems that
our life has become more convenient with the help of SNSs, but there is also a risk by using
SNSs.
Some people have experienced crime that is caused by SNS. The Japan Times (2014)
reported that 741 smartphone users aged under 18 experienced sex crimes in Japan in 2013
because of using SNSs, which is more than 4 times compared to the number of the sex crimes
related to SNSs of the previous year. This means that SNSs could be a place to make children
vulnerable to sex crimes. 22 percent of the victims explained why they decided to meeting with
the abusers, and they said that they just wanted to play. However, 74percent of the suspects said
that they met them to have sex. It is highly likely that SNSs users could be victims by using
SNSs.
However, some people might say that people can avoid being victims when they use
SNSs. They can avoid possible SNS-linked crimes paying attention to other users profile such as
their age. However, people can easily make up their fake profile online, and those perpetuators
even use Twitters search function to find and reach their potential prey (Jiji Press, 2015). Also,
since people can connect with other people with their line ID, criminals sometimes take
advantage of that function, and they find extensive network of their target (The page, 2013).
Criminals also send friend request of LINE random people, and they find their target. Even if
people are careful by looking closely at peoples profile, SNSs can be used to commit crimes.
Conclusion

Overall, SNSs have made peoples life more convenient for sure compared to the past.
However, but there is a risk of getting involved in a SNS-linked crime even if people are careful
about it. Therefore, now is the time to reconsider how we are using SNS acknowledging the
danger being a victim by SNS.

Lists of references

Jiji. (2014). Child smartphone users rapidly fall victim to sex crimes in Japan.
Retrieved from http://www.japantimes.co.jp/news/2014/07/30/national/crimelegal/child-smartphone-users-rapidly-fall-victim-to-sex-crimes-injapan/#.WClkDWvhDD7
Jiji press. (2015). Child victims of SNS-linked crimes hit high in Jan.-June.
Retrieved from http://ecpatstop.org/news/2015/11/699
The page. (2013). SNS wa hanzai wo zoutyou suru no ka? SNS no tsukaikata
wo minaosou.

Target Grammar Application Sheet (TGAS)

Filling out this sheet will help make visible your application of the target grammar for this
assignment. For each item, write three examples from your paper that show how you applied
the target grammar. Include this sheet with your final draft.

Assignment name: Argument Essay #1

Target Grammar: Hedging, Collocations for vocabulary from the course reader.

Examples

Explanation/ details

Hedging- write four phrases in which you used a

hedging strategy from class.

It is probable that

Hedging the phrase that

~ more likely that

Hedging the phrase that . . .

Might

Hedging after might

Could . . .

Hedging after could

Collocations- write two vocabulary

word/collocation pairs from each vocabulary
chapter. In other words, two from the list on
page 137 and two from the list on page 155.

Extensive network

Acknowledging the danger