Memories

of
Love
(NOVEL)

People may change,

but memories dont,
hold on to them....

MEMORIES OF LOVE
Novel (English)
by
Pooja Gunasekharan
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored
in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic,
mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without prior
permission of the publishers.
First Impression :
January, 2016
Typesetting & layout by :
Paul Ambrose
Printed at :
Sujilee Printers, Chathannoor, Kollam
Published & Distributed by
Grandhappura Books & Publications
Main Road, Chinnakkada, Kollam-1
Phone : 0474-2026320, 9497755727
Email : grandhappura.klm@gmail.com

199/-

Memories
of
Love
(Novel)

Pooja Gunasekharan

GRANDHAPPURA PUBLICATIONS
Main Road, Chinnakkada, Kollam-1
Phone : 0474-2026320, 9497755727
Email : grandhappura.klm@gmail.com

About the Author

Pooja Gunasekharan
Pooja Gunasekharan is a 16 year old girl, an
author based in Kerala, India. 'Memories with
Love' is her first novel. She is a 11th grade student
in Marygiri Public School, Koothattukulam. Her
biggest dreams are to become a writer and a doctor. She is passionate about dance, music, art and
photography. She loves travelling, reading, making
quotes and spending time with family and friends.
She lives in Koothattukulam with her parents and siblings.
The best way to contact Pooja is through her official page on Facebook
at https://www.facebook.com/PoojaGunasekharan
You can also write to her at poojagnair41@gmail.com

Authors note...
Thank you, dear reader, for picking up MEMORIES OF LOVE, my first
novel. Each word in this book has been formed by the support and inspiration
of many great people. Heres thanking them all...
To the people who really matter- mom, dad, brother and sister.
Mrs.Mariamma Thomas and Mr.Anil Kumar Pavitreswaram - my editors.
The whole team at Grandhapura Publications, Kollam, for publishing my
book.
Marygiri Public school, KoothattukulamI thank each and everyone in my school. Principal, teachers, students and
other staff for moulding me into what I am today. Today, I feel proud to
study in such a prestigious institution.
Fr.Mike George, Principal of Marygiri Public school, KoothattukulamHes a wonderful person who became my inspiration and role model within
no time. Thank you, Father for that support and inspiration.
I thank all my friends in Marygiri who helped me by providing the tits and
bits for the story. Elizabeth Thomson and Ashish Manoj- for reading the
story and encouraging me with their appreciation. They are my best buddies
who motivated me during my rough phase.
Those who helped me in various stages of conceptualizing and research.
James Sir- a great man whose words made me think.

Thanks to Chetan Bhagat and Dr.A.P.J. Abdul Kalam whose books provided
me the inspiration to write this story.
My extended family on facebook.
Before I conclude my Thank you note, let me mention a person to whom I
owe special thanks. It is Prof. Leela Mary Koshy, who has written the
introduction for my first novel.
Finally, I thank God Almighty for helping me achieve my dream to become a
writer.
Im extremely sorry if Ive missed out a few names, but each one who is
reading this holds a special place in my heart.
I want to reach out to as many people as I can through this book.
Thanks a million...
Welcome to Memories of Love .

Principals note...
It is a matter of pride for me, as well as the institution I work with, that a
student of ours authors a book. It is not a wonder that Pooja has a book to
her name, given the immense talent she possesses. She is very dynamic,
creative, industrious, intelligent and is bestowed with all qualities of an ideal
student. Now that she has found the power of words, my wish is that she is
named among the best writers in the world.
This be just the beginning of a long journey and let your ideas feed the brains
of millions. Let pen be your weapon, words your armour and ideas wealth.
All the very best, dear Pooja
Fr.Mike George , Principal
Marygiri Public School, Koothattukulam

Introduction
Prof.Leela Mary Koshy, alias Leela Chummar
Amazing! Pooja Gunasekharan, the young author, makes a graphic
portrayal of three young minds in her novel, Memories of Love. The throes
of being in and out of love, the pain of breach of trust, the recklessness of
being disillusioned, the depths of depression, the hopelessness of having lost
the beloved, all these are intricately put together in Memories of Love.
Pooja Gunasekharans insight into the working of the human mind is simply
amazing. I see in her the making of an Indian writing in English, whose works
would, one day, top the list of block buster fiction.
Arohis positive response to the isolation to which she is confined for her
fault of falling in love with Siddharth and her subsequent decision to make
an impression by excelling in her studies appear a little forced. Without a
mentor, does a young girl normally respond positively in a similar crisis in
life? Not likely. Yet we know that no two persons react identically in a similar
situation. Perhaps human mind is capable of strange reactions. Obviously,
the crisis inspired her to chase her dreams.
Pooja Gunasekharans sense of morality is conveyed very precisely to
the reader. The three protagonists, Arohi, Siddharth and Yadav are caught in
the interweaving flow of sentiments, passion and possessiveness in matters
concerning love. Arohi puts Siddharth in his place, when he questions her
about her relationship with Yadav, who is her partner and trainer in the dance
item, salsa. In an earlier episode, we see Siddharth persuading Arohi to

swear in Gods name that she will only marry, him. Her decision to excel in
studies eventually takes her to Bangalore for medical studies, where she is
once again in Yadavs company. But her conduct is admirable; Arohi knows
where to draw the line. Once smitten, twice shy seems to be Arohis
relationship with Yadav at Bangalore. Amazing, because she is away from
the spying eyes of her parents! Yadavs advances are of no avail. What
Arohi wants is to create an impression through excellence in studies!
The plot is evolved mostly through episodes and incidents Arohi recalls.
They are etched vividly in her memory. Arohi is engaged to be married to
Yadav, but her memories come haunting, stifling the joy of expectation. At
another stage, there are memories recorded in Siddharths diary. The novel
ends with the memories of Yadav, in the epiloque.
Pooja Gunasekharan reminds us that memories dont change. There
certainly is no expiry date for love, because love is Divine. Divinity is eternal.
The author has elevated love into a lofty plane of the union of hearts. For
Siddharth, love goes beyond the precinacts of this mortal existence. He
remains faithful unto death and beyond. How amazing is this spiritual aura
given to love! Indeed Memories with Love is an encomium to LOVE.
May Pooja Gunasekharans flights of fancy help her scale to great heights
as a writer.

Prologue
Thanks yaar.. I said as Arohi offered me the drink.
She smiled.
We were friends since childhood. And I was very happy to hear that Arohi
was getting married.
To be in her company was to feel that you too were someone, that you had
been warmed in summer rays regardless of the season. Something radiating
from within rendered her irresistible to both genders. Men desired her and
women courted her friendship. The way her long lashes framed her eyes and
the way her full lips would curl into a mischievous grin. It was inevitable and
certain that once you looked at her, you couldnt look away. She keeps you
still and holds your beating heart with one gaze, feeding off you. Her long,
wavy black hair, so smooth and silky. Its awesome.
So Arohi, my girl, youre gonna get married!!! I said, excited.
Yeah... she said in a weak tone.
But why are you looking so worried, Arohi ?
Im not worried, Pooja..
Something is disturbing you...I know that...tell me, whats it?
I dont want to get married now.
What? Theres just 2 more days for the wedding...and why are you telling
like this? What happened to you, Arohi..? Did your parents force you to
marry this guy ?

No..They didnt. I like Yadav. In fact, I love him. But thats not the
problem...some old faded memories are haunting me...
Memories? What memories? Whats making you sad..? I ll tell you my
story.....about my memories .... It all started from BANGALORE.....Arohi
started recalling her memories..

14

Memories of Love

One
The Present Bangalore
It took me an hour to find my hostel. St. Marys hostel, Bangalore. The
hostel was located half a kilometre away from the college towards the east.
I told you in the beginning that it took me time to find the college. Do you
know why? It was all because of that old board. The hostel board actually
read like this... St. Marys Hostel, Bangalore. The S in the HOSTEL
had faded. That was why I was a little confused thinking whether I should
enter or not.
I went inside. I saw many girls there. Many were chatting. Some busy with
their laptops and mobile phones. And some were going towards the common
toilet with their toiletries.
I asked a girl, who, I guessed, was of my age, to show me where the wardens
room was.
Your good name, please. I asked.
Meera
First year?
Yes.
Me too..Okay, let me introduce myself to you. Im Arohi Krishna from
Kerala.

Memories
Memorieswith
of Love
Love

15

Pooja Gunasekharan
Kerala? Soo..You are from Gods own country?
Yeah..
Soon we became besties. She came with me till the Wardens room.
May I come in, Maam?
Yes... come in... said a voice from inside.
I went inside. A fat lady with horn-rimmed spectacles was sitting there reading.
Good evening, maam
Good evening. Your name?
Arohi Krishna
First year?
Yes, maam
Mallu?
Yeah...I said smiling proudly.
When is your class starting?
Day after tomorrow.
Then whats your programme tomorrow?
I wanted to meet one of my friends, maam.
Boy or a girl?
A boy. I said shyly.
Anyway, no interaction with boys is allowed inside the hostel.
Okay, maam.
Shankar...Shankar...she shouted.

16

Memories of Love

The Present Bangalore

A man who was just the opposite of the warden, in appearance came in. A
very lean man who was dressed shabbily. I could even see his bones through
his transparent shirt.
Your room is on the third floor. He will show you your room.
Thank you, maam.I smiled.
This is your room.
Thanks, uncle
New admission?
Mmm..
Whats your name?
Arohi Krishna
Malayali?
Yeah..How did you know that?
I have heard malayali girls look pretty.
I laughed.
He told me I could call him for any help.
Take care mole..Bye
Malayali..?
Athe..(yes)
I smiled.
Bye, uncle.
Bye.
I liked my room. It was pretty cool. There were two beds opposite each
other. A cupboard and a study table too; just near the bed. The image of a
Memories of Love

17

Pooja Gunasekharan
peaceful scenery was hanging on one of the walls. The room looked extra
beautiful as it had lots of windows and a small balcony.
I saw a few clothes spread on the balcony. I guessed my roommate had
come much earlier than me and she had gone somewhere. I dumped all my
heavy bags on the floor and started unpacking. I kept a statue of Lord
Krishna on the cupboard which I had bought from Tirumala temple. It looked
so beautiful that I looked at it for a long time with much devotion. Then I
took my favourite unniyappam which my mom had specially prepared for
me. Had one and again resumed to the task of unpacking. I took out all my
clothes and other stuff and arranged them neatly in the cupboard. After an
hours busy work I lay on the bed for a nap.
I woke up embarrassed to see someone in front of me. It was my roommateNiya. She was a kind of a person who was ready to try out every new trend.
She wore a lot of makeup on her chubby face. She was from Delhi and was
very much modern like most Delhi girls. We introduced each other and talked
practically about everything under the sun. I felt lucky to get a roommate
who was very friendly. After a long crazy conversation, I checked my watch.
It was 7:30pm. Niya told me that we should reach the mess hall before 8:oo
pm. So, I took a quick bath. As we were already late to the mess hall, we
walked quickly to the hall through the verandah.
We had chapattis and vegetable curry, which I hated the most. I just pecked
at the food and wished to get some home-made food, which I knew I would
never get in the hostel. I chatted with many girls there and soon became
friends. I was happy that I was able to meet and mingle with different people.
After dinner, all of us dispersed and went back to our rooms.
On the way back to our room, Niya and I sat on the verandah for a long
time savouring the beauty of the moonlit night. The creepy and eerie sounds
of the insects around made the atmosphere around a bit spooky. I enjoyed
counting the stars in the sky, watching the leaves of tress shine in the moonlight
and also the sounds made by the insects. I loved it all.
18

Memories of Love

The Present Bangalore

After we returned to our room, I saw two missed calls in my new iphone
which was a gift from my proud parents. The missed call was, of course,
from my family who were eager to know whether their MBBS studentdaughter liked her hostel. I called them back. It was my mom who took the
phone. Her voice had mixed feelings-happiness since her daughter was a
medical student and sad since she missed her daughter. The voice of a mother
when she misses her child is the same everywhere in the world. What I
missed about my home mainly was quarrelling with my family members and
going to bed without having food and later stealing it from the kitchen without
anyones notice! And now I missed home-made food too. I talked to my
mom for a long time. About the hostel, about the greenery of the college,
about my roommie and everything that fascinated me. I told her to convey
my love and regards to my dad, my sister, my brother and my grandparents
and hung up. Niya was smiling teasingly at the childish conversation I had
with my mother. After our girlish gossips, we went to sleep wishing good
night to each other. Before I went to bed, I thanked God for everything.
I took a woollen blanket from my bag and was about to sleep when I saw
a message on my phone. It had come some hours ago. It was from Yadav.
Yadav Menon. The message read like this. When are you coming to
Bangalore???
I smiled secretly.
Dont know. May be tomorrow.
It was already late, so I thought he would have slept. Therefore I did not
wait for any further messages and closed my eyes to sleep. Just a few second
later, I received another message.
I was waiting for this message to come... Where were you all this time Ms.
Arohi Krishna?? K
I was surprised and overjoyed to know that Yadav was awake waiting for
me to reply.
Memories of Love

19

Pooja Gunasekharan
In the mess hall:
Mess hall?
Yeah...St. Marys hostel.
So you reached Bangalore???
Yup
Idiot!
L !
Okay.. Am sorry... I felt angry bcoz u didnt tell me about it
Surprise
It was really a surprise..!!! namichu then...whats your programme tomorrow
?
I was waiting for him to ask me this question.
Nothing L
Then would you come for a ride?
I was thrilled and excited on hearing this.
Yeah...wen?
Tommorow?
Mmm...Time?
Morning 10?
kk..Then, gudnyt. Take care.bye
Finally, I went to sleep planning about the things to buy the next day and with
the excitement of seeing my schoolmate after a long time.

20

Memories of Love

Two
Exploring my dream city-Bangalore
The hour hand in the clock turned ten. Yadav messaged me he was waiting
outside the hostel and asked me to come down fast. I wore a blue jeans, and
a white half sleeve top which looked very good with its white and red stones
on the neck. I had bought it from Hyderabad when I went for an excursion
from my school. I dressed casually and loosened my hair. I had a sling bag
on my right shoulder which contained all the valuable items of a girl like
phone, purse, hair band, lip gloss etc. I ran down through the stairs and went
outside the hostel.
I saw him sitting on his Enfield with one leg crossed over the other, dressed
casually, and with sunglasses on. Yadav smiled and took his sunglasses off as
I walked towards him. A smile of happiness lit up my face.
Ithuvare e pazhaya chiri maattaraayilledi? he laughed as he said this. I
slapped him on his back with all my strength. Then we laughed together for
a few moments. Our laughter became so intense that we were holding our
stomachs and laughing. It was all because of seeing a schoolmate after a
long time. All the formal words like hi, hello, how are you had vanished
between us long ago. He started his bullet which meant the journey to explore
my dream city- Bangalore had started.
Bangalore...what a rocking city yaar... Remembering the dialogue of
Dulquer Salman in the movie Bangalore Days. Yeah... Its really rocking. I
Memories of Love

21

Pooja Gunasekharan
watched the bustling city with open mouth. I hadnt been to any city like
Bangalore in my life. So it felt electrifying.
At first, we went to Iskon temple which was located almost 10 kilometres
away from Bangalore city. We saw many children there with their schoolbags
slung on their shoulder playing in the garden of the temple. Yadav told me
that all of them had come to attend a spiritual class where children are taught
about the leelas of Krishna and Radha. We saw many Buddhist saints who
were deeply involved in meditation around. The Buddhists meditating, people
praying and everything around added a spiritual touch to everything and
everyone there. It was pretty well maintained and peaceful.
I love visiting temple but this time I felt shy to enter the temple wearing jeans
and top. Many elderly women were looking at me as if I were an alien
creature as I came to the temple dressed in that way.
By this time, Yadav was walking towards the inner hall of the temple and I
too followed him as I was left with no choice but to go inside.
As we were moving close to the area where the pujas are performed, I was
able to see two people pulling out a curtain from both the ends of that very
spacious room. And what appeared before us was the very graceful statue
of Krishna and Radha. I believed it was a visual treat for us created by god
himself. I felt blessed and relaxed to be there that moment. Lord Krishna
was holding his beloved Radha his hand over her shoulders. Krishna was
looking straight into my eyes with his legs crossed. His body was glittering
because of all his ornaments. He had a big peacock feather on his head and
a flute which made up his typical look. Radha too looked beautiful. With her
head slightly tilted towards her beloveds shoulder, she attracted all my
attention. I prayed to them for a long time. I was not praying anything in
particular because I felt he gave me that moment as a blessing. I simply kept
on chanting mantras which my mom had taught me. We became very much
spiritual and sat on the floor cross-legged for a long time, closing our eyes
and participating in the bhajans.
22

Memories of Love

Exploring My Dream City - Bangalore

The poojari who was performing the pujas called us to give the Prasad. I
drew a line of Prasad on my forehead and placed the flowers on my hair.
Yadav looked at me and curved his lips a bit.
We then walked around the temple area, enjoying the beauty of the place.
The sounds of the birds chirping, the slight blow of the fair breeze, and the
sounds of poojaris chanting mantras...all gave me positive energy. What
caught my attention next was a board named Uduppi Kitchen. We rushed
towards that board to satisfy our hungry stomachs.
We ordered idly and it reached our table within 10 minutes. The hot idlies
tasted different from what my mom makes at home. I guess those idlies were
made of rava while in Kerala we made it using rice. Thats why it tasted
different. Yet, I liked it because I was hungry. The Idlies together with its
combination of chutneys and Smbhar satisfied the hunger of my stomach
and impressed my tongue too!
We then headed towards our next destination. But, Yadav did not tell me
where we were going next. He was making it all a surprise. I liked that
suspense too. It was the Cubbon Park-a fantastic open lung space for
Bangalore. The garden city is lucky to have a very hush place like this so that
many people can come here, enjoy the beauty of nature and can get a vast
relief from the busy traffic of M.G.Road and Kastoorba Road. It was a
refreshing atmosphere. I felt like telling my friends to visit the park once or
else it would be a big loss in their lives. The park was very large spreading
around over hundred acres. The most appropriate definition for the park is
that its The Garden of Lovers. I could see many couples sitting on the
benches under the shades of trees holding their hands and talking lovingly. I
removed my sandals and walked through the wet grass. It tickled me. Yadav
was sitting on a bench watching the naughty me. After sometime, he came
towards me and sat on the grassy earth like I did. We sat facing each other.
I sensed he was looking straight into my eyes which made me blush. So I
kept looking at the big trees. We were both silent at once and it was he who
spoke first.
Memories of Love

23

Pooja Gunasekharan
Arohi... he called me in a voice which I never experienced before. It gave
me a soothing effect and I gazed at him.
Do you have a boyfriend? I could sense the smell of love around. But I
pretended as if I did not understand anything.
No. Why?
Just nothing. I simply asked you.
Its okay.
Please dont misunderstand Arohi...I didnt mean like that.
Like what?
Like ... he paused for a second and continued, like proposing to you..
But I never thought like that, Yadav...
Every girl will think like that when a boy asks this question...Anyway, Im
sorry.
What he said was exactly correct but I pretended as if I did not know
anything. We looked at all those green bushes which were shaped like that
of a heart and had small red flowers embedded on it. It seems that even the
trees were falling in love with each other. We watched different types of
birds flying over the sky with its elegant wings. I savoured every bit of it. We
saw many old trees too. In fact, almost 3000 years old. According to my
biology teacher, it was a fossil tree. By then, it was 3 O clock and we
waved goodbye to the place which had stolen my heart.
Im nutty about shopping. When Yadav suggested that we could go for
shopping, I was so happy that I clapped my hands, appreciating him for his
fantastic idea.
What an idea sirji...! I said to him. He laughed and said that I was mad.
On the way to the Commercial Street, we stopped to have coffee from a
small coffee shop. We ordered coffee and sat on the bench which was kept
24

Memories of Love

Exploring My Dream City - Bangalore

outside the shop. Sitting there, I looked all around to see Bangalore. This
time too something caught my attention. I held Yadavs hand and walked
towards it. It was those paintings. All the street walls of Bangalore were
painted amazingly. The pictures of kings and queens, gods and goddesses,
flowers, animals etc. Some of them conveyed some message too. Like save
women,stop child labour and many other themes. I felt that all those
paintings had something to tell me and some faded memories came rushing
up. So I turned back and walked towards the coffee shop. A small drop of
tear appeared in one of my eyes. But I hid it from Yadav and pretended to
be happy. We had coffee served in a steel glass of about 8 cm height. The
aroma of piping hot filter kaapi drove me crazy.
We bought a lot of things from the Commercial Street at cheap rates and ate
masaladosa from a street shop. After shopping, he dropped me back at the
hostel. We wished good night and waved goodbye to each other. He started
his bullet, reversed and drove in the opposite direction to reach his home. I
saw him from a distance and waved my hand even though he did not see me.
I climbed the stairs of my hostel thinking of how it was a very special day. All
those moments with Yadav, the spiritual Arohi in her jeans and top and
everything that happened today. When I first came to Bangalore, I was lost.
Literally, it took me at least thirty minutes to get out of the busy traffic. The
traffic, the autowalas and long distances ... I hated it all and couldnt wait to
go back to my city. But just within hours, the city had become a close part of
my heart. The first launch at MTR, shopping at Commercial Street, the walk
in the Cubbon Park and an amazing weather, you cant stop falling in love
with the city.

Memories of Love

25

Three
Bangalore Medical College and
Research Institute, Bangalore
The alarm rang. Sunday changed to Monday. A new day. A new beginning.
My medical life was starting. The journey to chase my dream had started. I
closed my eyes and prayed to god and opened my eyes slowly looking at
my palms. I touched the ground and prayed to mother earth to give a good
beginning. The chill from the morning touching my skin tickled me. It was
cold outside. I looked outside through the windows. It was still dark. The
sun was about to rise.
I grabbed my towel and walked into the bathroom. I turned on the shower
and stepped in. As the water turned hot, steam rose from the floor of the
bathtub and filled the room. As the water washed away the sleep, I began
thinking of the day ahead. I turned the knob and with a rattle and a squeak
the water stopped flowing. I continued my morning routine. Contacts, hair,
teeth, clothes.
I stepped out from my hostel in my red salwar kameez and red dupatta. I
wore a red earring too which was shaped like a rose flower. I wore a lot of
red bangles on my left hand and kept the other hand bare which gave a
trendy look. I did not wear a lot of make up since I was going to a college.
The college, Bangalore Medical College, now renamed as Bangalore Medical
College and Research Institute, popularly known as BMC, is a medical
26

Memories of Love

Bangalore Medical College & Research Institute

college run by the Government of Karnataka, located on K.R. Road, near
City Market.
I saw many people like me who were wandering all around without knowing
where to go. Hundreds of people walked the halls and filled the air with
jumbled conversations. Doctors whisked by in white coats, workers pushed
tubs of linens down the halls. The students had to weave between
administrators and dodge carts as they turned corners. They loosened their
jackets against the warmth of the hospital. Soon they arrived at a sprawling
glass and brick atrium. It opens before them, fills with morning light and
echoing conversation.
I went inside the main block of the college to check the college notice
board. There, I saw on an A4 size paper written...
All the first year students are requested to assemble in the college auditorium
at 9:30 am.
Wisps of silvery hair strayed from my chignon. Patting them with my hand,
I turned and saw Yadav just behind me. He was a second year student there.
His inserted black shirt, off-white pants, awesome hair and innocent smile
added to his formal look.
Have a look at your missed call list. The amount of times I called you...! he
said placing his hands on his hips.
I ran my hands inside my shoulder bag, but couldnt find my phone.
Oopz... Im sorry. I forgot to take my phone.
Dont repeat this. Okay, madam?
I gave him one of my best smiles. He told me that he would guide me to the
auditorium.
Are you not coming with me?
I have some work here, Arohi... we are those great ones who are organizing
this party for freshers...I will see you after the function. Okay?
Memories of Love

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Pooja Gunasekharan
Mmm... I said in a weak tone.
Cmon then...I will show you the auditorium.
It was a large and spacious room located on the fourth floor of the whitepainted college building. It had many windows on its four walls. Pictures of
the passed-out batches were hung on neat rows. I looked at all those photos
with much respect and admiration. Many freshers like me were seated on
the well-arranged white chairs looking at the strangers all around. I sat in the
third row from the front. Yadav was busy arranging banners, chairs etc.
When the function was about to start, Yadav came and sat near me without
looking at my face.
Hows it? He asked when the Principals speech began.
What?
The college, auditorium, students?
Everything is good except the ones who arranged this programme.
This time he looked at me and chucked my head with his head, smiling. I too
smiled.
After the function we headed towards our class. The first day in my college
was a memorable one. I enjoyed being with new friends, campus and teachers.
The white-painted college with its shady trees and greenery stole my heart.
Back at the hostel in the evening, the girls were busy with their girly talks as
usual. Most of them were busy, finding the names of the handsome faces
they had met in the morning, from facebook. Some were busy surfing the net
to get the latest fashion trends to rule the college. I had lost all my interest
towards fashion and internet years ago and such things were irritating me.
So, I walked out to get some cool breeze and also to get out of that technical
world. I stood in the verandah for long enjoying the beauty of the night. I
loved being left alone to wander with my own thoughts. I watched the college
building from a distance whose flag at the top was waving vigorously due to
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Bangalore Medical College & Research Institute

the cold breeze. There was deadly silence everywhere but this time it did not
scare me. Instead it brought back some old memories which I hated to
remember.
Silence has two faces. Sometimes its good, to avoid conflicts and problems.
But sometimes it becomes too awkward. Silence reminded me about my
past and present life, about the hidden secrets that have travelled with me all
through my journey and the harsh changes that came to my life. As I looked
deep into the night, the memories too went deep. I closed my eyes and
prayed to get out of all those cruel memories. I swallowed twice, though I
was not chewing anything. Took a deep breath and walked towards my
room, where I found my roommate talking to her boyfriend on the phone. I
did not want to intrude on her privacy, so I went out again and stood in the
same place where I was standing a minute ago. I kept my phone in the
pocket of my pink Patiala and wrapped the dupatta close to my body to
fight the biting cold. It was an amavasi day. So the night was growing darker
every second. I felt everything around me was dissolving into the dark.
Suddenly, I heard a sound which made my whole body tremble. It was the
ringtone of my phone. I checked.
It was an unknown number. Since it was too late, I did not attend the call.
When it kept on ringing, the sixth time, I took the call.
Hello? I said in a low voice.
No one spoke for a minute. I kept on repeating the word hello like a mike
tester and a voice was heard from the other end.
Mmmm...
Whos this? I asked.
Arohi.. he called my name with much affection.
Yes...Let me know who this is.

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Pooja Gunasekharan
Where have you been all these years, Arohi.... asked a familiar voice which
sent a chill down my spine. I ended the call. He called me again and again. I
switched off my phone. I sat there engulfed by memories. There was no
escape from them. I broke down and cried.

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Four
Medical Life
The studies started with the second week. I, along with the other students,
gathered in the lab as per the teachers instruction, to the dissection hall. We
were standing in a line, like a queue, with me leading. Like you guessed, I
was the first one called to answer questions. I had been studying the theories
till late night but seeing the dead body placed in front of me killed the
confidence I had.
Touch and explain the parts of the human body.This was what my Professor
told me. It made me look at the dead body with wide eyes first and then
closed them suddenly. But since I was a medical student, I had to do all
these things.
The First thing I noticed was the smell. The smell of formalin. And then I saw
them....Lying there naked, that shrivelled up skin, that bony frame and
moreover the intoxicating smell of formalin adding to their hysterical aurathe CADAVERS.For the first time in my life I put a knife into a human
flesh. I did enjoy those horrible hours even while standing in the middle of all
these challenges, because of the inspiration from my beloved ones and my
passion to be a doctor.
Yadav laughed hearing all these things as he had experienced all these last
year. But listened to me patiently because he knew that he was the only
person there, for me to share my feelings.
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Pooja Gunasekharan
Dont worry, Arohi...after some days you will be okay with all these. Or
else, you have to.
Because you are an MBBS student.
Hmm... I said with a neutral face.
At first, I too hesitated to touch them and hated medical life. But after a
month, I even had my food without washing hands, after doing anatomy!
Stop irritating me Yadav. I feel like vomiting.
He teasingly laughed loudly at me.
Dont laugh idiot.
After a month lets see. You will be doing the same.
Never.
Okay...Im not going to argue with you. Lets see. He chuckled.
I stared at him through narrowed lids.
The next day, I, with the assistance of Yadav and other students, cut a human
body at its centre and examined the internal parts, mainly kidneys and digestive
system. He gave me a short note at each step which I grasped quickly. I felt
comfortable with his sleep-free classes. So I eagerly learned every new
information from him. He gave me previous years question papers which
helped me with my studies. After studying about the internal parts, we cut its
head, hands and legs and dumped it into three different, huge buckets
separately.
After our classes were over, Yadav and me spent even more time together.
We knew we both loved each other. But we never expressed it. We explored
Bangalore city every minute together. He was playing the role of a brother, a
friend and a lover at the same time, which made me feel his presence special.

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Five
February 14
BMC was entirely filled with red and white colours and was overflowing
with gifts that day. Yadav and me watched the lovers and all those red roses
around like a movie. We walked between the crowds of lovers. Since it was
a second Saturday there was no one to control the huge crowd and so
everyone was enjoying beyond the limit. We looked around for a space,
somewhere so we could talk to each other, but the entire population of
BMC seemed in attendance.
Can we go for a ride? he asked straight away looking into my eyes.
I smiled which showed my readiness to go. He started his bullet but, as
usual, he did not tell
me where we were going. He drove his bullet to a very special place which
I had not visited earlier. It was the Olive Beach, one of the popular restaurants
of Bangalore. If theres a place that will take your mood to romantic paradise
then its sure to be Olive Beach. With perfectly placed candles around, the
beautiful scent of the flowers and the soothing sound of the light music, the
surroundings will make you fall in love with your partner all over again. The
wine collection is divine, making for the perfect accompaniment to your
evening. An early reservation could ensure a quiet secluded corner sofa
seat, or a breezy outdoor setting, making the date ever so memorable. The
wide range of Mediterranean and European dishes are lip-smackingly yummy.
We sat there savouring the beauty of privacy and locked our eyes for hours.
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Pooja Gunasekharan
A well uniformed waiter came to take the orders. We ordered butter Nan,
mushroom masala and their special valentine drink. Yadav suggested we
should go for a walk since it takes time for the food to be prepared.
We walked around the beach and the well
decorated trees quietly. The atmosphere around us was completely silent.
We stood on one of the balconies where the view of the beach was complete.
Happy valentines day, Arohi he called my name in his own very special
way which I loved so much.
Mmm... we looked at each other for a second and resumed to enjoy the
beauty of the night where the sky was kissing the beach.
Let me tell you something, Arohi? There was a naked fear in his gaze.
Mmm...
I think you know that already... he paused and continued...I love you
My face suddenly changed when he proposed. No one spoke for a minute
and it was he who spoke first.
You know that I love you and I know that you love me. Then whats the
need of this drama, Arohi? I loved you from the moment we first met at
school. I couldnt stop falling in love with you. It was for you that I joined
medicine.
He looked serious this time.
Sorry, I cant consider you that way. Lets be
good friends like always.
Why should you consider me as a friend? Do you have a relation with
anyone?
No
Then whats stopping you from loving me?
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February 14
See Yadav.. I know you since my school days. You mean a lot to me and
thanks for that care you showed. But I cant fall in love with you.
Please...understand my situation. You will get a girl better than me one day
and she will be lucky enough to enjoy your care. I knew he had things to
share and feelings to express. But I pretended as if I couldnt understand
him.
Why cant you enjoy that care? Dont you want to be lucky? Dont tell me
such old dialogues Arohi... Every girl in this world tells the same dialogue. I
dont want to hear that. Do you have any other reasons to give? Or else just
shut up. His voice was rising after each word.
Im sorry. But can you tell me truly whether you love me or not? He said.
Yadav, Please stop this..!
Mmm... Then come. Lets have food.
We walked back to have food. After dinner, we
walked back towards the parking area. All without saying anything. After
we reached the parking lot, he took my hand in his and said:
What I said was true. I loved you since our school days. I feel light and
positive when youre with me. The way you help me to get out of a problem...
the way you care for me...the way you flip your hair back...the way you
smile... I love it all. I dont want you to say anything now and make you
tense. Take time and take a wise decision. He smiled in a sympathetic manner.
I love him. Thats right. But why am I not able to express it? Why cant I
love him? Whats the barrier which stops me from loving him..?
I asked myself
Never ever forget your past...all those memories. This is what my mind
replied.

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Six
A perfect brotherly friend
The alarm rang. It was 7 am. I stretched my hands to reach the alarm clock.
I tried to get up from the bed. But, I found it difficult to do so. I felt dizzy. I
felt a nagging pain in my stomach. I jumped out of the bed with my weak
body and ran to the bathroom to vomit. My roommate asked me what
happened. She compelled me to see a doctor. We walked towards the
college in that prickling cold to consult a senior doctor.
Did you eat anything from outside yesterday?
Yes, doctor.
Thats why youre here now. You have been affected with food poisoning.
Try to avoid taking food from outside. Anyway, take rest. Avoid class till
youre fine.
Okay, doctor.
I was admitted in room no.42. I was lying on the bed with my legs stretched
and with a pillow at the back. Niya was sitting near to take care of
me.
No need to miss the class, Niya. You can go. Its okay. Im fine.
How can I go leaving my sweetheart here?
Niya... If you miss todays class for me, then I will be sorry. You have to go
and teach me what was taught when you come in the evening. Okay?
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A Perfect Brotherly Friend

Okay then. Im going. I will come in the evening. She said
After she left, I lay down to sleep. But sleep never came to me. Yadav would
be wondering why I didnt attend the college. I wanted to tell him.
Unfortunately, I forgot to take my phone from the hostel. I stared at the
ceiling for long with irritation. Being lost, I went to sleep.
5.00pm
Niya came back after class. I was overjoyed when she remembered to
bring my phone from the hostel. Without asking her anything, I grabbed my
phone from her to dial Yadavs
number. I felt energetic to see 9 missed calls from Yadav. I put the call
through.He answered at the fourth ring.
Arohi..?
Mmm...Yadav...
Why didnt you come to college today? Just see the number of times I
called you. Why cant you call me back?
Im sorry, Yadav. I was admitted in the hospital due to food poisoning. I
forgot to take my phone to the hospital. Only now, Niya came back from
hostel and gave me my phone.
Food poisoning? What happened? His tone was of tense.
Im okay now, Yadav.
Im coming. Bye
He ended the phone without letting me speak a word.
The moment I ended the call, Niya looked at me, mischief in her eyes and I
understood what was cooking in her mind.
Yadav is a nice boy she said teasingly.
I grabbed a pillow and hurled it at her.
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Pooja Gunasekharan
Hes like my brother. Please dont misunderstand, Niya
I never even thought like that Arohi. I was just saying hes a nice guy.
Is he?
Sorry, sick baby...
Ichokkkeee I said smiling.
Someone knocked at the door. Niya opened it and found Yadav. His arrival
made me feel happy. He came in and sat on a chair near me.
How are you feeling now?
Im feeling better. I said giving him a weak smile.
You can go, Niya. Ill be here with her. Will see you in the morning. He
said.
Yeah... Thats okay. Im going. She smiled at me teasingly. I said a hundred
thank you to God in my mind for giving us a bit of privacy.
After she, he touched my forehead. The touch was velvety. Then he took my
wrist to feel the pulse. My skin was burning.
I think you have got high temperature.
Yeah... Im a sick girl. Take care of me.
He sat near me on the bed and hugged me affectionately.
Youll be okay soon. He said taking my right
hand in his hand.
After a minutes deadlock silence, he continued.
Im sorry, Arohi He said in despair.
Sorry? For what?
I forced you to eat outside, right? his voice was a bit dull.
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A Perfect Brotherly Friend

Bagwaan... I said to myself.
Dont be sorry, Yadav. Its not like that.
Im really sorry. He said staring at the floor.
Ban this word, I tell you. Im gonna slap you, if you repeat this word again.
He laughed and repeated the same word again and again aloud.
Why are you not slapping me, Arohi? Cmon...Slap me. He said playfully.
Yadav....... I called his name in a very endearing manner. I kept my hands
on his chest and pushed him back.
Suddenly a knock on the door was heard. My guess was right. It was the
doctor. Yadav had a good contact with the doctor since he was studying
there for the past three years. They talked about my sickness. But I did not
fully understand what they were saying, since they used many technical medical
terms.
The doctor turned towards me.
How are you feeling now, sick girl?
Better, doctor.
His phone beeped suddenly.
I have to go immediately. Theres an emergency accident case. Take care
of her, Yadav. He left the room after having a conversation with Yadav.
The moment he left the room, a nurse with all her medical equipments came
to the room. She took out a syringe and gave me a shot.
The nurse went back to the casualty. Yadav closed the door.
Why are you not going back home? Your mom is alone there, right?
Yeah...thats right. But how can I leave you here alone?. Resting his elbows
on his knees and leaning forwards, he asked.
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Pooja Gunasekharan
Is your brother working anywhere?
No... He just completed his MBA and is waiting for the interview call.
I told you something yesterday. Do you remember?
Yeah... I said without looking at him.
Do you love me?
I dont love you, but I like you just like my own brother.
If you use this word again....
Then? Tell me... brother...
Nothing, sister. Can you just shut up?
I frowned and looked at him through narrowed lids. Lying on the sofa, he
tightened his jaw and closed his eyes to sleep. We did not talk anything
further. I too went to sleep looking at him.

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Seven
What medical life taught me...
After 3 days, I was discharged from the hospital. My head was spinning
with heavy work since I had missed many classes. The exams were also
nearing. With Yadavs constant help, I managed to pass the exams successfully.
As the second year in my medical life was getting over, the portions were
also getting tough and long. My sleeping hours reduced from 8 to 5 and even
4 some days. Slowly, I was able to understand why everyone said not to
take up medicine.
MBBS course is 5 years long, which is longer than any other university
courses and it requires immense energy, commitment and hard work from a
student. The reason the course is so long is because of the volume of material
that needs to be learned; both the basic scientific principles and the clinical
skills needed to apply them must be taught. While this may seem like a fairly
monumental task the truth is that while at university time seems to pass
incredibly rapidly, probably because the average student is so busy that they
dont have time to notice each term flying past. The work is within the capacity
of all who clear the entrance exams. But it requires extra reading and revisions
so that we can keep up with the course. 12- 18 long hours of study,
permanent absence in the times when friends of other stream are having fun,
it is true that medical students compromise fun and sleep with studies. Lost
in the maze of medical terms, being introduced to a completely new language
(the medical English feels outlandish), new world, maturing way too soon
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Pooja Gunasekharan
and then, the adaptation phase squeezes through. Sighs and shudders become
niche soon. . Its amazing how human body and brain work, a part of the
mystery, everyday is a challenge for medical students.
The life of a medical student is challenging as they must also learn to deal
with interpersonal communication, illness and ethical issues. With lots of dreams
in an anxious eyes; I joined the college to study MBBS with a burden of
expectations.
There is a whole lot of first times in the life of a medical student- the 1st time
anatomy lab visit, practical interaction section, Syringes, stethoscope,
sphygmo manometer etc which became the play kits and toys for me. Among
all these 1st time, the one who caught the most of attraction was the master
itself -THE DISSECTION HALL . And the first time a naked dead man
is seen all readied to be scrutinized to study the viscera, tears stream down
worse than chopping a bucket of onions; the formalin, it stuck up in the sinus
making it difficult to breath and see.
Soon we became acclimatized to the world of hospital, smell, illness and
books. I do realise that life of a medico is hard, but its even more harder
after passing MBBS which I realised now only after seeing and interacting
with the junior doctors of our hospital. Every year, about 30,000 students
clear their MBBS in India and find their way in the rat race. A race which will
change their life forever. The only thing one learns from this tussle is to
SURVIVE. Eventually only the fittest and finest will survive.
The life as a junior doctor is all about doing clerical work for his senior
doctor or spending sleepless nights in the casualty. Is this what I dreamt
of...??. Many ask to themselves. The main reason behind this problem was
that there was only a limited number of PG seats available, considering the
total number of MBBS students. Another important factor is that the patients
are very much concerned of his /her health and they prefer a specialist doctor
rather than a junior doctor. All these make the life of junior doctors like us
quite different from what we dreamt of. Actually, medical life is not too easy
to go.
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What Medical Life Taught Me...

The most difficult task for me was keeping all the theories in memory. I do
forget the names of my friends while memorizing the names of muscles, their
origin and insertions. At this point of time I realised that the Kerala entrance
examination was not the real hardship which I believed to be the Herculean
task. I still remember the days in dissection hall and revision classes- I was
running in the dissection hall with brain in one hand and a leg in the other. By
the time I went for exams my brain was clogged. Ultimately all I remembered
was 2-3 points. After all these hard work and circuses, I cleared my 3rd year
in flying colours.
Fourth year.............The wards..... We go to clinics. We are posted in different
departments. We go to the wards with a stethoscope and a
white coat and walk with a lofty proud gait and act in a self assured manner
until we recognise that we are the lowest and the most despicable creature in
that ward. All these added to our depression.
Being a medical student, it teaches that hard work never hurt anybody. It is
but the knowledge that is power. The pursuit of really achieving something,
going beyond what can be seen, the hand eye coordination, to a medical
student, there is so much to life, so much to learn, so much to give, so much
to realize, so much to understand. Mulling over notes and buried beneath the
books, people call the medical students nerds. And we have to study like
crazy, uphold the title of a geek so that we wouldnt accidently remove the
kidneys instead of appendix. Long hour woes of focusing on black fonts on
white sheets, trying to solve the Rubiks cube of entangled subjects, cutting
off of the fun part we need to sum up the whole world to the medicine.
Nothing scares us more than the viva voce and the exams. Wardrobe
malfunctioning is not a problem anymore as the fashion is limited to whitened
aprons and the stethoscope.
MBBS student must be a pro at cooking. Cooking answers with the very
right ingredients of course. It is inevitable that answers are required on the
tip of the tongue. Studying the reports, cutting up bodies, these stuffs are
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Pooja Gunasekharan
tangible. There is no room for compromises and second chances. And
somehow I managed to complete my fourth year at BMC with flying colours.
There are moments I will never forget, that made a way into an emotional
psyche and set up permanent shop. That show their faces when you least
expect them: maybe on the backs of your eyelids as you try to sleep, or
perhaps in a strangers voice. The unfortunate outcomes that haunt me, but
I tried not to let them oppress me. The first time I saw a fellow human being
die. The first time I had to deliver bad news. Theres good, too, and beautiful.
The first time I delivered a baby. The first time I helped someone through
successfully quitting an addiction. And the personal growths: the first time I
came up with my own plan from scratch to treat someone. The first time I
stitched closed an open wound. The first diagnostic catch.
As I begin my last year of medical school, my goals are humble. After this
year, I will be able to do house-surgency. As I walk through the hospital
corridors, memories came flooding. I remember the days preparing for
medicine. The days of entrance exams. The tension that travelled with me.
The first day at collage. The joy of caring my patients. The racing heart beat
during doing an operation. The amount of tension when I took out a baby
from its mothers womb. The moment I saw people breathing their last. The
first time I was alone in the ICU. The first time I had made calls with no one
watching over my every move. So much remains unknown; even at times
unimaginable. Now, Im proud that I have become a doctor. Im happy that
Ive become a doctor so that I can do a lot of good karmas. I feel I have got
a lot of responsibilities. God has given me those responsibilities. To do my
best in doing the right for the patients care. To do the best in saving a life.
Medical life has taught me many lessons which I will never forget in my entire
life. The golden rule it has taught me is this- always strive to improve and
learn. Never ever give up. Medical life has taught me many values. Especially,
the value of relationships. The personal satisfaction on hearing a patients
gratitude in saving her life is something very special and different. Its above
everything. Above all material gains. It has taught me to be satisfied with
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What Medical Life Taught Me...

what we have. Its a habit of human beings to wish to get the best. But when
I walk through the cancer wards...when I hear people crying for life...I felt
like thanking god every second for giving me so much of blessings.
There has been every emotion on the spectrum, and sometimes they have
occurred over the course of a single day. This past year has been wonderful
and terrible. Ive been thanked profusely and Ive been disparaged. Ive
formed meaningful relationships with patients, and Ive struggled with building
rapport. Ive felt incompetent and Ive felt proud. Ive been impressed by
nurses, doctors, physical therapists, social workers, and many others so
incredibly skilled at what they do. Ive been ashamed by inefficiency and
waste. Ive imitated and Ive developed my own style. Ive been comforted.
Ive been able to comfort. Ive laughed. I made mistakes, but I learnt from
them. Ive been moved, scared, confident, anxious, overwhelmed, overjoyed,
insecure, humbled, and sad. All this has made my medical life the most beautiful
phase of life. All because of the love and expectations of my loved ones. But
still I feel a sense of loss. All those memories which got accumulated on my
mind were chasing me like a bird all those years. I have just one choice left
to make my mind peaceful. To go back to my home-town as early as possible.
Yadav and I were walking through the hospital corridors smelling illness,
watching different people...different emotions. Suddenly my phone beeped.
It was my mom.
Amma..? How are you? Is everyone fine?
Everyone is fine mole...how are you?
Im going good Amma...
When are you coming home, Arohi...? We have some good news for you.
She said in an excited tone.
Ill be coming after two days. Whats the good news?

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Pooja Gunasekharan
Youre turning 23 tomorrow. Do you know that? Your dad and I met an
astrologer yesterday. He told that this year is the best time for your marriage.
Marriage? I dont want to get married now.
Marriage can take place later. But we can fix one now. That is better.
Hmm...
Try to come as early as possible. A boy is
coming from London...just to see you my girl. He is 26. I will ask Chiya to
send you his photo. If you like him, we can fix it.
Amma...I have some work to do. I will call you in the evening. I lied and
hung off.
What happened? Yadav asked taking the first sip of cola.
Some marriage issues.
Marriage issues? Marriage for whom?
For me
But youre just 23, right?
Mmmm...But its all because of that astrologer.
He laughed handing over the cola to me.
Soooo, youre getting married?
Shut up, Yadav.
Okay Im not going to talk anything.
When are you leaving home? He said after a deadlock silence of one minute.
I think day after tomorrow. I dont have a train tomorrow.
Before going...can you come to my home?
Mom wants to see you.
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What Medical Life Taught Me...

Wants to see me? How does she know me?
Ive told her everything about you.
Oh my God... we stopped and stood in the verandah.
Will you come?
Of course I will.
When?
Now? I said after thinking for a second.
Now?? he asked with wide eyes.
Yeah...any problem?
What problem, madam? Come. Lets go ...
It was after a long time that we were going out on his bullet. So I felt thrilled.
The house was new. In fact, Very new. It looked like it had been finished just
last week. It looked almost too new in some strange way. It was as if it had
rolled off a production line, but they had forgotten to apply the mandatory
layer of colour to it. The windows were huge and seemingly inspired by
something truly alien.
Anyone could see into the house from an uncomfortable distance. From
here, I could see surfaces of white, glossy plastic that iced over the kitchen;
granite enforced the walls in their straight, uninspired monotony. There wasnt
a single square meter of organic material in sight. Not even comforting
wallpaper that imitated warmth in some way. Not even a plank of wood.
The house, it seems, was a liveable, modern mausoleum.
We stepped into the house together. He went towards the kitchen calling for
his mom aloud. By the time he was away, I went around to take a quick look
of the house. One of the specialities of the house was that it contained lots of
photos on every single wall. The photos of his family. Especially the photos
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Pooja Gunasekharan
of Yadavs childhood. The living room had a big framed picture of his family
on one of its walls.
His mother came from the kitchen with a drink in her right hand. I touched
her feet as a sign of
respect. She touched my forehead and smiled.
Have this mole...
She handed me the drink.
Thank you, aunty. I said and took a sip from it. It tasted sugary but tasty.
Wheres your house in Kerala?
Ernakulam
Your family is settled there?
Yes...
Whats your father?
Doing business.
Nice. Your mother?
House wife.
When are you going back home?
Day after tomorrow.
She kept on asking questions and I answered them as if I had learnt it bye
heart. I never asked her anything. I did not know what to ask. She talked
lot. Yadav was pleased by how the two women had become friends in such
a short time. She told me about her, Yadav and his father. Yadavs father
was abroad and he was the one who was taking care of his mother all these
years despite the tough medical life.

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What Medical Life Taught Me...

You talk. Ill come after five minutes.
She went back to the kitchen. Yadav sat close to me on the sofa.
Thalaiva... Youre great. I said turning to his side.
Arohii.... he called my name in a naughty tone.
Come... Ill show you my room.
We got up and walked towards his room which was located on one end of
the dining room.
The room contained a small bed, neatly made, two straight-backed chairs.
A washstand, a bureau without any mirror, and a small table. There were no
drapery curtains at the dormer windows. All day the sun had been pouring
down upon the roof, and the little room was like an oven for heat. As there
were no screens, the windows had not been raised. A big fly was buzzing
angrily at one of them at that time, up and down, up and down, trying to get
out. I helped him to save himself from it. Yadav stood opposite me and
looked flirtatiously into my eyes. He took my hands in his and said... I love
you and tried to kiss me but I turned away.
I tried to change his mood smoothly and succeeded. He then showed me the
other rooms. Talked about his family, about his life. About his dreams. He
was telling each and every thing that had happened in his life. I felt he was
eager to tell me all these... I believe its all because of that trust he had in me.
The way he inserted his shirt. The way he walked with one hand in the
pocket. The way he rode the bullet. The way his fingers combed his hair.
The way he cared for others. The way he hid his emotions. All this together
made this innocent guy, a perfect guy. For me, a special guy.
His mom came back. She forced me to have dinner. After dinner, as I was
preparing to go I said.
Come home one day, aunty.
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Pooja Gunasekharan
Yes...we are surely coming one day. Let his father come. After that we will
come. She smiled. I felt she was hiding something in that smile. But how
could I ask her? So I didnt.
I waved her a good bye as we were moving away from the house on his
bullet.
Im going back to Kerala tomorrow. He said as we reached the hostel.
Tomorrow?
Yeah...
But you didnt tell me about that?
Surprise
What a surprise, Idiot!
Nice, naa?
Very nice I said shaking my head.
Is it?
Im gonna kill you, Yadav. I said as I began slapping him.
Actually why are you leaving Kerala tomorrow?
Personal matters.
What personal? Ive told everything in my life to you. So you should also be
like that.
Ill tell once I reach there. Okay?
Yeah...actually I was going back day after tomorrow. So we could go together,
right?
No, Arohi. I have to leave tomorrow itself.
Hmmm... As you wish.
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What Medical Life Taught Me...

He held my face in his hands and raised it a bit to fix my eyes perfectly on his.
Cmon, Arohi. Dont quarrel with me. Its urgent. Some family problems.
Mom is also coming with me. Thats why. After you reach Kerala, just message
me. We can meet one day.
Mmm. Thats okay. Have a safe journey. Take care.
We went closer to have a formal good-bye hug.
Bye
He started his bullet. I heard the sound of the bullet get fainter as he moved
away. I didnt stand there long because of the scary sounds filling the air.

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Eight
Getting married
Amma, I reached the station. Where are you?
Im here. Come near the ticket counter.
Okay, amma. Ha...I see you.
Mom, dad and my brother came to pick me from the station. Their eyes
were filled with eagerness to see their daughter after 2 long years. Same in
the eyes of the daughter. We continued with the formal hugs and touching
feet. After having tea from a nearby shop, we headed back home from
Ernakulam Railway Station in my brothers new Fortuner.
On the way home, we had a serious lengthy conversation which I hated to
discuss. It was about my marriage. Before that let me define whats a marriage
in my view to you. A function where the brides and grooms family have
come to attend the wedding while others come to have the food.
My family was extra excited to see me getting married and having children.
My cousins, their parents and other relatives were busy designing their
costumes for the marriage. I was the only one in my family who didnt see
my future husband. But today Im gonna see him. The boys family is coming
home today for that official pennukanal function. A function where I have
to apply a lot of make up to impress my future husband. A function where
the girls and boys family keep on repeating their childs good qualities.
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Getting Married
After all, Im the only pampered girl child in our family. So everyone was so
much eager to hand me over to another family. In other words, to hand me
over to a rich family.
Everyone including my cousins, uncles, aunties and even distant relatives
were present in my home. All to receive me- the bride. I felt
awkward as everyone was coming to hug me one after the other. Somehow,
I found a gap between the family crowd to get into my room. Ive never seen
this room so neat and tidy like this ever in my life. My mother had scolded
me every day during school days for not keeping my room neat. I guessed
the room had been painted recently as the walls were bare of all the paintings
and pictures I had stuck years back.
Even though I reached home, I felt a sense of loss.
Heres your saree. Ive bought some gold ornaments too. Its all for my
pretty princess. Take time and dress up before they come. Im sure the boy
will be stunned by your new saree.
She went away to arrange the house, prepare food and other stuff to impress
the boys family.
BMW car arrived along with several other cars following it in front of my
house. My family rushed towards the car to receive them. I went back to my
room for a final touch up. I was wearing a red and off-white half saree with
lots of bangles and golden jhumkas.
My mom handed me a tray of juice. I, surrounded with my cousins walked
to the living room where the boy and his family were seated. I never looked
at any of them. I was staring at the floor all the time. The off white skirt with
red borders was sweeping the floor as I walked towards the boy to offer
him the drink. The noise of the bangles and earrings I was wearing was
heard as I bent to give the drink. Till then, I hadnt looked at my boy.
Did you like him? My mom, who was standing near me, asked.
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Pooja Gunasekharan
Mmm... I made a sound.
But how can you tell that without looking at
him? Just look at him Arohi.
I raised my eyes slowly, during which the heart beat quickened.
I looked at my future husband which made my eyes go wider. It was that
boy-the one who had gone a day earlier from Bangalore. The one with
whom I shared everything in my life. The one who is special for me. The one
with whom I fought daily. The one with whom I spent my past 1460 days.
Let them talk. One of my uncles said.
Everyone moved from there. Even though everyone left, many of my cousins
were peeping through some way to hear what we were talking. But we
didnt talk anything. When everyone left, he came just close to me.
Yadav...? I called softly expressing my surprise.
He didnt respond. The next thing I knew, he had slammed his lips to mine
and nearly knocked all wind from my lungs.
I hardly had a moment to react before he
pressed his tongue to the seam of my lips. His warm lips were gentle, but
firm. He drew away quickly. I could hardly swallow. Heat engulfed my body.
I grimaced. And this time I didnt turn away. Because hes my future husband.
So youre the one going to marry me? But you didnt even tell me about it.
Do you know why I came a day earlier than you?
Family matters, right?
No...Marriage matters. My parents and I met your family yesterday and
begged.
Begged for what?
For you... he said and kept his hands over my waist and lifted me.
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Getting Married
Watching our intimacy all my relatives came from different corners of the
house which indicated a stop to it.
Keep me down, Yadav
Nooooooooooooo he said like a child.
Everyone was laughing at me being lifted in the air, like a joker. I was blushing.
I tried all my physical strength to get out of his hands.
At last, he landed me on the floor. Back on the ground, I straightened my
saree which had gone amiss during that lift. He looked at me naughtily this
time which made me hit his stomach with my elbow.
Dont do that, Arohi. Im your husband.
Youre not my husband until the marriage is over. So I can do whatever I
want.
Then tell me what you are going to do. He said with his hands on hips.
Im gonna kill you. Sure.
Sure?
Yeah sure.
Then kill me.
I cant go to jail for you, Yadav.
We laughed.
Come, Yadav. Have lunch. Ma said.
Im coming aunty.
Ma...Im hungry. Give me also food. I said
Wait, Arohi. I will give you after they have food.
Then I will eat with her aunty. said Yadav
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Pooja Gunasekharan
No...Yadav. I know youre hungry. Come. Both of you can have food
together.
We smiled.

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Nine
Hit by depression
After they left, I sat in one of the balconies where I used to sit during my
school days. The sun was setting. Evening was turning into night. I sat there
with my eyes closed. Those memories knocked my blank mind. It opened
without my permission which made my eyes open all of a sudden. I breathed
heavily. But still, it irritated me. All those memories were the soul torturer of
the girl in me. I couldnt escape them, or hide from them; they were the
worst kind of monsters. I was scared of what my past held and the memory
of it never seemed to escape from me. They were like pointed needles,
piercing my skin. I couldnt scream or fight back; I had just to endure the
pain as his picture flashed through my mind. I had experienced pain
before. But nothing amounted to this. I could neither hide or run or fight
them. Those memories were indeed my worst enemy and the thing that would
most likely destroy me.
I rewound my past again and again. It scared me. It worried me. It irritated
me.
I went to my room. And I cried. Again and again and again I cried. At last,
my mind made a decision. The right decision. I decided to go there.
The wedding cards have been printed. I opened one and read.
Harishree ganapataye namah:
We
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Pooja Gunasekharan
Krishnadas Menon & Malini Menon
shubhakthi House, Ernakulum
Request the honour of your esteemed presence and blessings with the
family to grace the occasion of the marriage of our daughter
Arohi
(Granddaughter of the Late Bhaskaran Pillai and Lakshmikutty Menon
& the Late Sivasankaran Acharya & Gouriamma)
With
Yadav
(S/o. Mr. Madhavan Menon & Devi Menon, Mangalasseril House,
Pathanamthitta)
Which will by the grace of God be solemnized at Le Meridian Convention
Center, Maradu, Ernakulum
On Sunday, 3rd May 2015
[Muhurtham: between 11.00 am and 11.15 am]
With best compliments from
Anand and Alia
There are just 2 more weeks for the wedding. Since there is only one month
holiday for both of us, the marriage was to be conducted before we go. So,
it was all in a hurry. My parents
were busy inviting relatives and friends for the wedding. Cousins busy
shopping. Everyone except me was busy doing something for the marriage.
Yadav too was busy inviting his friends. He visited my house frequently. He
sat with me. Talks to me. Stroked my hair. And tried every possible way to
make me happy.

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Ten
Seven days before the marriage...
I updated my new status on facebook.
Getting married to my schoolmate- Yadav Menon feeling happy.
Since we were schoolmates, everyone doubted if its a love marriage. Many
liked. Many commented.I shut down my laptop and sat with eyes closed.
God wont forgive you, Arohi this is what my mind said to me.
I couldnt fight back tears. Drops of tears came flowing from my eyes.
Suddenly, someone knocked on the door. I washed my face and opened the
door. It was mom.
What happened, Arohi?
Nothing, ma.
Were you crying?
Crying? No, maa... I was sleeping. I lied.
I thought you were crying. Your cousins were complaining that you are not
so happy these days.
No, ma. Im happy.
She patted my cheek. A symbol of affection.
Did you invite your friends?
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Pooja Gunasekharan
No, maa...
Theres just one more week left. So do everything as early as possible.
Okay, maa...
She turned back to leave.
Amma..? I called her from behind.
I wanted to go to the temple. Can I go today? Its just 9. The temple will be
open now. Jeenas home is on the way to the temple. So I can invite her
too.
Tell the poojari to conduct special marriage pujas. Give him a card and
invite him too.
Okay, maa.
She left.
It was a Shiva temple, where I visited every Sunday during my school days.
After I went for medicine, I hadnt visited it. The temple had a big oak tree
at its entrance, which resembled the three main gods maintaining life on
earth. Brahma-who creates life. Vishnu-who maintains life. And Shiva who
destroys or ruins the bad.
I went inside. I was sure he wouldnt forgive me for what I had done. But
still, I prayed to him to forgive me. I sat there cross-legged chanting mantras.
Did namaskaram and pradakshinas too. After doing the pradakshinas, I
left the temple.
On the way back home, I visited one of my school mates house. She was
my best friend at school. I took out that red and golden wedding card from
the scooter and rang the calling bell.
The one who opened the door was Jeena.
Arohi....?
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Seven Days Before The Marriage...

Yeah...
She hugged me and invited me inside. I had visited her home earlier and I
love sitting in the open balcony of her room. So, I rushed to that room. A
perfect view of the temple could be seen from there.
Howre you, Arohi? Tell me about your medical life.
Im fine, Jeena. Medical life is also fine.
After our girlish talks, I told her about the reason why I was there.
Jeena, My marriage is fixed. Its going to be next week. Everything was in
a hurry. We have only one month vacation. So the marriage was to be
conducted within that time. After that, we are planning to settle in Bangalore.
I handed her the red wedding card. She looked at me perplexed.
Marriage?
Yeah...
She opened it and ran her eyes through the card.
With Yadav Menon?
Yeah...
That school friend Yadav?
Yeah...
So you forgot everything?
I remained silent.
Tell me, Arohi. She said keeping her hands over my shoulders.
What else should I do, Jeena? Its the only way to get out of my depression.
I never wanted to marry now. But it has all happened. Till now, Im not able
to get out of those memories. I said mournfully.

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Pooja Gunasekharan
This time Im not with you, Arohi. I cant. How can you do all these? Are
you a human?
Please, Jeena. Im going. Please dont hate me I said paining inside.
Back home, I kept thinking of my past again and
again. All those memories. Both good and bad. I couldnt curse Jeena or
leave her company for what she said. Because what she said was right.
Today, my heart is filled with regret.
I looked at the sky. It too reminded me of my memories. I pulled my knees
up to my chest and wrapped my arms around my shins thinking if I could just
curl up into a ball. So that I wouldnt have to face real life, Id be protected
from everything around me. But I realise, I still have to live with myself, with
the wretched memories swirling around in my head. My eyes, already red
and puffy from crying, squeezed shut to push more tears out. I let my head
fall down to my knees, and I pulled my legs closer to me. No matter what I
did, there was no where I could hide from the thoughts in my head.
Ringg Ringg
My phone rang. It was from Yadav. I hadnt attended his call for the past 2
days. But this
time, I took the call. Because I felt theres no one to care for me. I decided
to tell him everything. About my past life. About those memories. Or else, it
will be like cheating him. Actually, Ive killed a person. For how many days
I can hide it from my husband? I cant hide it from him anymore.
Hello?
Arohi? Can you hear?
There was no network in that place. So I went out of the house checking for
network.
Yeah...tell me, Yadav. I found a place where there was good network. It
was outside my house.
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Seven Days Before The Marriage...

Why didnt you attend the call for the last 2 days? What happened to you,
Arohi?
Actually...
I stopped.
Ill call you back, Yadav.
On the opposite side of my house, I saw
someone. He was standing there staring at me. Yet smiling. Is he the real
one? Is he the one whom I killed some years back?
I moved a step back and looked at him. Still, he did not move his gaze from
me. I turned back. Looked at him again turning my head sideways. He was
not there.
Where had he gone?
I looked all around to find him. But, he was not there.
He has gone. He has left me.
I ran back like a mad person. I lay on the bed biting the pillow. I felt tortured.
I felt mad. I felt wronged. I felt scared. I felt remorseful.
I tried to forget. To leave the past behind. But I couldnt do it since that
moment I saw him from the distance, melting away in the crowd, seven
years after we last saw each other. I almost couldnt recognize him, with a
new happy smile he never wore with me on the last times we were together.
But when our gazes intertwined like they used to, the waves of regret hit me
like a rock.
I tried to sleep. His face kept flashing in my mind. I looked at it with much
pain. I looked at it with depression. Its the unseen, unheard, silent killer. Its
the pain thats too much to cope with, too hard to deal with. I couldnt
escape even if I tried hard, because it followed me around like a black
shadow thats on the inside, eating me.
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Eleven
Three days before marriage...
I was lying on the bed crying. Yadav came to the room without my notice
and sat near me. Gently he touched my cheeks and asked in a worried
voice.
What happened to you, Arohi? I was observing you for the past week. Just
tell me, Arohi. I want to know.
Im sorry Yadav. Im not ready for this marriage.
What? What happened to you?
Im sorry, Yadav I placed his hands covering my eyes and cried heavily. He
hugged me.
Dont cry, Arohi. Whatever it is, just tell me.
Im sure you wont marry me after hearing
this.
Arohi...whatever happens Im gonna marry you. And only you. Tell me.
Seven years back, I had an affair with someone.
What?
Ill tell you everything, Yadav.

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Twelve
Past Life...
It was the beginning of April. The sun was just above my head. I was waiting
in the bus bay for about half an hour after school. The day was not as usual.
The climate changed suddenly. A patch of clouds covered the sun. Rain was
battering on the roof like a hail of bullets. It was unusual during those hot
days to get a shower. The thirsty earth absorbed each drop of water madly.
People were running around to find a shelter. I stood there under the gloomy
clouds. Then water began to sprinkle, cold and wet. As the clouds continued
crying, I was worried wondering how I would reach back home.
All of a sudden, a boy wrenched the wheel of his bike to the right, slammed
on the brakes, and rammed the horn. Dirt jetted from the bike on my uniform.
It stopped. Just in front of me. A boy ran into the bus shed removing his
helmet.
Just see what you have done..! I said looking at that boy.
My white uniform had spots of brown all over.
Ooopzz... Im sorry. Im really sorry. He said placing his hands over his
head.
I glared at him angrily.
Youre alright? Not hurt?
Im okay. What else could I say?
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Pooja Gunasekharan
We did not talk for some time. It was raining heavily.
Whats your name? he asked me. I looked at him with my curved eyebrows.
Arohi
Im Siddharth he smiled.
I did not ask you. Did I?
I just said it. Sorry.
He continued.
Have you seen me before?
No
I have
So what?
Nothing.
I have sent you a request on facebook. Just see
Can you just shut up for a minute?
Sorry
He placed his forefinger on his mouth which reminded me of my KG classes.
After waiting there for half an hour, my bus arrived. I jumped into the bus.
He followed me. The bus started moving. I looked at him confused.
Why are you following me?
Who told you that Im following you? I dont want to follow anyone. My
house is just a 2 kilometre from your house. Thats why I entered the same
bus.
The next day too, I saw him on the way. But this time, he was following me.
Whenever I went shopping or outing with my friends or anyone, he followed
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Past Life...
me. Following me like Fahadh Fazil in the movie Annayum Rasoolum .But
I never looked at him.
Once one of my friends Jeena told me, there was a guy called Siddharth and
he wanted to be my friend. This was the same Siddharth whom I met one
week ago. The one who splashed dirt into my uniform. The next day I got a
mail. It was his. The message went like this...
Do you remember me? Jeena told me about you.
How can I forget? You were the one who splashed dirt into my uniform.
Im sorry, Arohi. Forgive me. Please. L
We introduced ourselves, became friends and started to chat even more
time together. Whenever I saw him, he messaged me about my appearance.
He used to say that I looked cute. But I didnt reply to him. Because I knew
its the basic trick of boys to get the attention of a girl.
One early morning, he asked me,
Do you have a boyfriend..?
No, do you have a girlfriend?
Yeah...I have one. But she doesnt know that I love her.
Hmmm...Can you tell me who she is..?
I will give you some clues. You have to find out.
Okay. Then tell me about her.
You have to find out her name. I will tell you everything about her.k?
Yeah...then tell me about her appearance. How does she look?
She is fair, good looking.
Oh, then ask her what she is applying on her face!
Hey...Im serious. She is my life. I love her more than me.
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Pooja Gunasekharan
Sorry, Siddharth. I never thought you are that serious about her. Anyway
tell me about her...
She has silky hair, a little brownish. I think she has coloured it. Her dressing
is just awesome. Modern girl...
Let me think. Wheres her house?
Just two km drive from my home...
Did you tell her that u loves her?
No...Im afraid, Arohi. I wanted to tell her. But I dont know how I should.
Because Ive never proposed to a girl in my life. Anyways...she is my queen.
Just tell her that u love her. Thats the only way to convey your love.
Then Im going to tell her...
Tell her...dont worry. everything will be alright...
I love you, Arohi...
What?
I really love you, Arohi
Sorry Im not interested. Bye. I said and logged out.

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Thirteen
I didnt plan on falling in love with you,
but it happened...
The next day, there was a function in my school. School magazine launch
function.
Put your hands together for the new music sensation- Rock On... a voice
announced.
It was an open stage. The stage was dark. There were no lights anywhere. A
sound came from the stage which made everyone more curious. The lights
suddenly came on. There were 7 boys wearing uniform black T-shirt. The
music started. The sound of the one who was singing was familiar. I looked
at him. Straight away looking into my eyes with his hypnotizing eyes, I saw
him there holding a mike in his right hand and with a guitar in the other hand.
The music
soared through the air like an eagle on an up-draft, taking with it the very
souls of the listening audience. They ascended together in a magical flight to
the heavens, a breathtaking melody of orchestral exuberance.
Neon lights flashed everywhere like police sirens, but much more colourful.
Your insecure Dont know what for, Youre turning heads when you walk
through the door, Dont need make-up, to cover up, Being the way that you
are is enough
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Pooja Gunasekharan
It was Siddharth. He was singing the whole song looking at me. The song
continued...
Everyone else in the room can see it, Everyone else but you...
Baby you light up my world like nobody else,
The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed, But when you smile at
the ground it aint hard to tell, You dont know, oh oh, You dont know
youre beautiful, If only you saw what I can see, Youll understand why I
want you so desperately, Right now Im looking at you and I cant believe,
You dont know, oh oh, You dont know youre beautiful, oh oh, Thats
what makes you beautiful.
The music was so loud that it made my skin tingle and my lungs feel like
mush. The bass thumped in time with my heart beat as though they were
one, filling me from head to toe with music. I liked the song. Over the roar of
music, a distant, hazy chatter could be heard. I couldnt make out any words,
but laughter rang in my ears and wouldnt seem to stop. The song that was
playing got louder, pulling me in and wouldnt let go. I had no choice but to
join the crowd, jumping in a huddled group like Tic-Tacs being shaken in a
box.
So come on, you got it wrong, To prove Im right, I put it in a song, I dont
know why, youre being shy, And turn away when I look into your eyes...
The strident timbre of the voice, cacophony of applause and cheering,
whooping, hollering, clapping, stamping of feet, palpable excitement buzzed
through the charged air, infectious grins, patting one another on the back,
spontaneous outpouring of emotion...all these made the whole building shake.
The song ended. Then like a tsunami the applause rolled forwards to the
musicians and the conductor took a bow.
After the function, he came to me.
How was it? He asked.
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I didnt plan on falling in love with you, but it happened...

Nice I smiled.
I sang it for you. Thinking of you.
I blushed shyly. I tried not to look at him. But, I dont know why, I was
tempted to look at him.
I had never known what love was until that cold December evening. The
most perfect feeling I had ever known had swept through me.
Is it love? May be. But I was not able to accept that fact. We talked for long
hours, and at once I decided to tell him what I had in my mind.
I want to tell you something. But dont tell that to anyone else.
I wont. Promise.
I ...I love you .But Im scared.
Why are you scared, Arohi? Im there with you, right?
E painkili dialogues onnum enik kelkanda Siddharth
Premam epozhum painkili thanneyadi. He said teasingly and laughed at
me.
Im going. Bye.

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Fourteen
Exploring each other
A month had passed after we became friends. At first, we talked formally as
if we were attending an interview. But as we began exploring each other...our
thoughts, feelings and emotions, all the formal words vanished between us.
Poets often describe love as an emotion that we cant control, one that
overwhelms logic and common sense. Thats what it was like for me. I didnt
plan on falling in love with him, and I doubt if he planned on falling in love
with me. But once we met, it was clear that neither of us could control what
was happening to us. We fell in love, despite our differences, and once we
did, something rare and beautiful was created. For me, love like that has
happened only once, and thats why every minute we spent together had
been seared in my memory. I would never forget a single moment of it.
As each day passed, I was wondering just one thing...why does everyone
say that love hurts? Why do our elders advise us not to fall in love? Love
heals, love makes people whole again and love fills them with the goodness
they need to be as kind and loving as their Creator intended. What hurts is
betrayal, thoughtlessness, uncaring attitudes, careless, and bullying,
harassment, selfishness and greed. If all these words have disappeared from
our practical life, life would have been a better one. But if its a true, strong
relation, why should one leave that relation? I did not know.
Go, go and study, Arohi. You have an exam tomorrow. Dont forget that.
Siddharth scolded me.
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Exploring Each Other

Oh my God. I forgot about it. I will call you once I finish my studies. Bye
then. Take care.
The moment I turned back after ending the call, I saw my brother just in
front of me, staring confused.
Who were you talking with?
Jeena .
Give me the phone.
Even though I tried not to give him the phone, he took it from me.
Whose is this number? he asked showing the contact list.
S...Sidh...Siddharth.
Who is he?
I love him
He slapped me on my cheeks.
Dont speak a word.
He tightened his jaws. Heat waves splashed at me. I smelled the burning
fumes from his inside. Every word stung only fuelling the fire that burned
inside of him. Every violated phrase was like gasoline to it. His fists began to
clench and jaw rooted. When the final mento had been added to the coke
inside of him, he exploded with anger, with no control objects levitated and
broke.
That incident spoilt all my freedom. Like every parent, my parents too tried
all the means to break our relation and to secure their daughters life. All the
ways to call him was blocked. But I knew one thing that he loved me.
He is my first and last love. I said in my mind.
After that incident, I was hit by depression. The weight of everything seemed
to press down on my shoulders and I struggled to take even a single step
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Pooja Gunasekharan
forward. It was too much. All of it. And somehow, I kept moving. But every
step cost me. The darkness grew darker; the pain grew sharper; all of it
seemed to only grow in strength and I began to wonder if things could ever
get better. But I never said a word. Sometimes I wondered if that smile- the
horribly fake smile- was ever seen through. When my friends questioned my
sadness, I pretended to be happy. And then I laugh, a bitter, sarcastic laugh,
at myself.
The mind would plummet downward into less and less light, and darkness
beyond measure. A small light appeared even in the dark thoughts, and this
thought allowed me to see the greatness of him who loves me. The Light
morphed into more rays of hope. Even a small ray of hope revealed his
power, when I had none. It was not a total relief yet, but it was a start.
Jeena, my bestie noticed my depression and she knew I was in pain.
What happened sweet heart? said Jeena.
Nothing .
Just tell me yaar... Its hard for me to see you like this.
I told her everything.
Is this the problem? Is this why you are sad?
Hmm...
Do you remember what our maths teacher told yesterday?
What?
Mathematics may not teach us how to add happiness or how to minus
sadness. But it does teach us an important lesson. Every problem has a
solution.
Hmm...
What hmm?
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Nothing.
Dont be sad, dear. I have found a solution for this problem.
What solution?
Letters she said excitedly.
Letters?
Yeah... You write a letter for him and Ill pass it to him. Reply letter Ill hand
it to you the next day. Hows it? Nice, naa?
You are a genius Jeena...
I knew that already, dear. She said playfully. I looked like a joker when I
smiled with my puffy nose.
For some days, we exchanged letters through Jeena. She was helpful. The
first letter he gave me went like this...
Arohi...
I know you are sad. Jeena told me everything. But dont worry. God will
show us a way. I loved you seriously. Still I love you. Its not flirting. Ill be
there. Dont waste your time thinking about that incident. Concentrate well
on your studies. Dont be depressed. Always be happy. And one more
thing...please dont leave me.
Siddharth
It was the first time I received a letter in my life. That day, I understood the
value of letters.
I read it for about 100 times. But I did not know what to write back. I took
a paper. Designed its borders with hearts all over. Took a pencil. Sat there
for long thinking of what to write. The end of the pencil had become pulpy
since I had been biting it for the past two hours. At last I wrote...
I want to see you urgently.
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Just this sentence. That was what I actually needed. This is what the saddest
side of my heart wanted.
You come to my house today at 5. He will come there. Okay? Jeena said.
Im tensed, Jeena. Will my parents come to know about this meeting?
She hugged me in a way which comforted me.
Dont worry. Nothing will happen. Smile sweet heart.
I wore a worried smile.
4:30 pm
I wore a long red skirt and a black half sleeve top which I guess suited me
well. I blackened my eyes. A little darker than usual. Loosened my hair and
wore a lot of bangles on my left hand. I stood in front of the mirror for almost
fifteen minutes adjusting my hair and wearing more lip gloss. All to steal the
heart of my boy.
5:10 pm
Come. Jeena walked towards her room.
There I saw him. Wearing a red check shirt and blue jeans. His hair looked
awesome. He came closer to me as I walked into the room. Jeena left the
room. A drop of tear appeared on my eyes.
He held my face in his hands and raised it a bit.
What happened?
Nothing . Slow desolate tears ran from my unblinking eyes and dripped
steadily into his red shirt.
He pulled me against his chest. That was the first time we hugged. His nose
tickled my ear. I let out a tiny gasp and squirmed uncomfortably. I didnt like
being so intimately handled. My face flushed. I summoned enough courage
to meet his gaze. His hazel eyes twinkled.
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Dont leave me alone, Arohi.
Never
Let me tell you something?
Yeah... Tell me.
You look gorgeous in this dress.
I curved my lips looking at his twinkling eyes. We hugged again. This time
tighter as it was time for me to leave.
Bye. I said and left reluctantly.
Though he didnt talk much, his eyes were talking too much. I understood
what they wanted to tell me. I thought about the day again and again. The
moment he touched me. The moment we hugged. All these thoughts tickled
me even though he was not around me. They made me laugh under all the
depression. Thats what true love is.
The sky turned black. But sleep never came to me. The ache of longing to
be with him echoed through the very marrow of my bones. It was a chill
wind trapped in the chambers of my heart. With every spare moment my
mind would rehearse a new letter to him. I never knew that missing someone
could take over every fibre of your being and wring you out like a wet
sponge every day. It was a torment I was unprepared for.
Thats the power of love. I thought. It can do wonders. Its the greatest gift
mankind ever received, a gift that lives on within us all. Its a gift that needs
nurturing - it is the truth within us that life cannot be given a price tag. It
knows to be kind and never to hurt or kill. It knows to treat your neighbour
as yourself. It is what we crave from birth, a craving that must be met by our
new and loving earth-bound family. It knows that a life is worth more than a
pair of new shoes or designer makeup. It is what can save us, make us fully
human again and raise us up in the eyes of the Lord. So fall in love with
everyone I told myself.
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Fifteen
My first and last love
Where did you go yesterday? Dad shouted.
Jeenas house.
For what?
Combine study.
Did anyone else come to her house?
I dont know.
He slapped me.
Didnt Siddharth come there?
I nodded crying.
He slapped me again. The slap was as loud as a clap and stung my face. It
had been an open-handed smack and it had left a red welt behind. Just
below my eye was a small cut where the ring had hit me. I staggered
backwards, clutching my face, eyes watering.
If I hear you met him again.... he paused and stared at me. His dark fiery
eyes pierced my skin with extreme anger and tore apart my soul. Everyone
went back to their rooms. I cried lying on the floor. After an hour, my parents
and brother came into the room where I was lying.
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Dont get out of this house. You dont have to go to the school too. Sit here
and study.
I locked my room from inside as they left. I cried. My silent weeping was
worse than a tantrum or screaming. My eyes welled up with a sadness my
young years should not possess. The silence of my cry was eerie. My eyes
were burning and my chest felt heavy as if it were filled with lead. I could no
longer see clearly. All I knew was that he was gone, out of my life possibly
forever. Alone in the dark room, I stood up and reached out my hand so that
I could clearly see it, the letters he gave me. I went to the balcony in my
room. A drop of water fell onto my hand I looked to the sky and even
though the sky had been grey and looked like it was about to break into a
heavy downpour, not a drop came from the sky. Looking down at my hand
again another drop appeared and I realized that they were tears from my
eyes.
No one talked to me at home. I was growing worse day by day. For two
long months the window was my only connection to the outside world.
Without it the house would feel like a tomb, already it was as quiet as a
mausoleum. I wanted my mom to sit near me and talk but I had nothing to
say that would interest her and I didnt want her to burden me with worries
again.
Most of the time, I was lost in my thoughts. The rest of the day I stared
through the rectangle of glass at the folks who walked by, the delivery trucks
and the traffic that stands still much of the time.
It was raining heavily. I watched the rain standing at the balcony. Little droplets
of water drenched my hair, skin, and dress. The water droplets began growing
larger and falling frequently. The light pitter patter of rain turned into wet
thuds as the icy water raced to meet the ground. The sprinkling turned into a
torrential downpour. The coldness seeped through my body and chilled my
skin. The clouds grew darker and darker. The bone-chilling cold seemed
comforting in the howling wind and icy rain. If rain had magical powers, it
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Pooja Gunasekharan
soothed me, it cared for me, it comforted me, it made me happy and it made
me light.
An hour later, I saw familiar eyes looking at me, standing on the opposite
side under a shelter. His eyes were wet. Yet they were smiling. I opened the
door of the open balcony and walked in the rain. He too came out of the
shelter. Even though there was a distance between us, we looked at each
other. I felt blessed that it rained because it would not show my tears. The
rain fell heavily. It blurred the scene. My clothes became wet. I went inside.
But still he was standing under rain. The rain blurred the windows which
stopped me from seeing him. It reminded me of the past. The memories...
Why didnt you come to school for the past two months, Arohi? What
happened?
Can you do me a favour?
Tell me...
Can you tell Siddharth ...that...I dont want to continue that relation... after
each word I paused. I did not have the guts actually. My mind did not allow
me to complete that sentence.
What happened to you, Arohi? How can you leave him?
I tried to fight back tears. She hugged me.
I know the problems in your house. Every parent is like that, Arohi. No one
will encourage you to continue this relation. They are all obstacles which
make your relation strong. You should have the courage to fight these
obstacles. Crying doesnt give you anything, Arohi. Dont waste your life
crying.
Those words meant a lot to me. What she said was right. I thought. Even
though it hurts, I realized, its love. How much it hurts, that much it becomes
strong. Like rain who is the messenger between the two lovers-the clouds
and the Earth, Jeena became the go between for both of us. She helped to
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exchange letters between both of us. That gave us a relief. Every letter he
gave me contained this sentence... Study well. You should go for medicine
and become a doctor.
But, within a weeks time, my parents came to know about these letters too.
Finally, the only way for us to communicate was also blocked. Soon, my
house created the atmosphere of a world war. Everyone became a stranger
for me. I did not hate anyone. I couldnt. Instead I started hating myself.

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Sixteen
It hurts, but so damn good
The midterm exams got over a week back. It was time for results to come.
The only subject I feared about was mathematics. When I did math problems
during the exam, I thought. Dear math. Im sick and tired of finding your
X. Just accept the fact that she is gone. Move on, Dude. But if I failed
for the exam, my parents would say that its because of that relation. After
all, every parent is the same. Even though their decision does not make us
happy, I realised, what they create is actually morals.
The Principal of our school, who was our maths teacher, asked me to meet
him during the break time.
24/06/2013, Tuesday 10:00 am
I was waiting at the Principals room fearing if I have failed for the maths
exam. But, what he asked me...shocked me.
Yeah...Come..I called you to ask you about something. He said as if he
was reading his laptop.
Yes sir.
Do you have an affair with a boy? He looked at me.
What? NN...No...O Sir
Tell me the truth. Im asking you this because Ive got clear evidence.
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It Hurts. But So Damn Good

The Principals room changed like a police station for me. Asking
questions...And me telling the answers.
Give me your fathers phone number.
This time I was paining inside. If he called my father, I couldnt imagine. He
would surely change my school and would leave me in the hostel. But now,
the only way for me was to give him his number and to pray.
9447852630
He wrote it on a paper and kept it in a file. Things are getting worse. I
thought. To escape that situation, my mind said something to him. It was not
me. But the soul inside.
Sir, let me promise you one thing. I wont continue that relation. I will forget
him. Please. I promise you, sir.
He didnt respond. He just stared. If only he shouted, I would get a relief.
But he didnt. He returned to his laptop.
You may go now. He commanded.
Staring at the floor with sad eyes, I walked back to the class. I couldnt
concentrate in the classes. Jeena kept on asking why the Principal had called
me. I didnt respond. I wanted to tell her. But later I thought. Or else I would
cry in the class. Everyone in the class too became strangers for me. A lonely
feeling.
4:00 pm
Ma...
She didnt respond. It killed me. Even if your lover stays silent with you, you
wont feel so sad. Talk to me Maa...I dont have anyone now. I said to
myself.
Maa... today the Principal called me to his room. He asked me about
Siddharth. I said without looking her. I did not have the courage to look at
her.
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He asked me dads number.
She stood up and walked to dads room. I knew why she went there. To tell
dad about this. I sat there looking at ma who was moving away from me to
her husband to create more trouble for me. Love hurts. It really hurts.
My mind changed its opinion about love.
During the night, no one called me for dinner. I felt sad. It was not because
they didnt give me food. I thought they would call me, sit with me, and talk
with me. But, it was just a false hope. I didnt cry. I thought about the day.
How can you face the Principal, Arohi? my mind kept on torturing me
with questions. I did not know what to tell him. But, sat there like a statue.
9:30 pm
My parents came to the balcony where I was sitting cross-legged on the
chair. I stretched my legs down as they sat opposite to me.
Why did God create people like her..? dad said aloud.
Silence. Only my heavy breathing could be heard. But, I didnt cry.
Your Principal called us. Dont destroy the good name of your school. You
have already created a bad name for your parents and now for your school.
Dont live like this. Go and die. No one cares.
This moment...when he said this sentence...he killed me. Im dead pa.
I thought.
If you are planning to continue a relation with him, then dont come to us
again. Amma said.
I stood up and went back to my room. Locked it from inside. And cried
heavily. Its a fact that crying gives relief.
Forget Siddharth. My mind said.

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It Hurts. But So Damn Good

Yes, I have to. The past three months taught me something very important
about life. Life...it goes on. Love...it doesnt last. People...they change fast.
Its right. I thought.
You should forget Siddharth. My mind said again.
I felt weak. I lay on the bed even though I knew sleep wouldnt come to me.
In the ten hours I had been in bed, I must have woken up six times. Every
time I woke up, I said to myself to forget Siddharth. Not for that long each
time, but enough to break my sleep into un-refreshing chunks. With every
disturbance there was a new nightmare. In my sleeplessness I was drunk on
silence. For hours it seeped into my pores, dowsing my mind in its thick
toxicity. I want so much to not to think at all, I want to be absorbed into the
darkness that the night promised me hours ago. I want to be waking refreshed
to streaming white daylight, unaware of the hours between then and now.
But as usual my wishes mean nought and behind these closed lids the idiocy
continues. Later, every night became a futile tussle of conflicting thoughts.

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Seventeen
I cant stop falling in love with you
Holidays began. School closed for summer vacations. I was alone at home.
Everyone else had gone somewhere. They didnt tell me where they went.
They seldom talked to me. Being lonely, I was lost in my thoughts about the
past. Jeenas call woke me up from those wild thoughts.
Tell me, Jeena.
Arohi...Im in front of your house now. I saw your parents going out. Are
you alone now?
Yeah...Im alone. Come here, Jeena. I wanted to talk to you.
Open the door. Im just in front of your house.
I opened the door with one hand holding the phone. I was shocked to see
the other person with Jeena. Siddharth.
Arohi... Im going. You talk with him.
I looked around to ensure no one watched us.
Get in.
He came in. I closed the door and took a deep breath. It gave a vast relief.
Why did you come here, Siddharth?
Because I wanted to see you. Talk to you. Why are you avoiding me,
Arohi? he asked in a very loud voice. His voice was a blend of anger, sad,
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I Cant Stop Falling in Love With You...

happiness and love. Getting a chance to see ones lover after a long time is
something very beautiful.
Siddharth. Its not as you think. There are many problems here, Siddharth.
Many. My parents will never ever accept this relation, Siddharth. They will
give you everything except their daughter. If we cant marry, then why should
we continue this just for a time pass? Lets stop this.
My voice became emotional. My words became unclear. My eyes became
wet.
He came closer to me. Entwined his fingers with mine.
All these are not problems, Arohi. If you loved me sincerely, these wouldnt
have become a problem for you. We know we love each other. I know you
feel that amazing chemistry between us. Then why should we stop this?
Understand one thing, Arohi... these problems are not a reason for stopping
our love.
You dont know, Siddharth... I began crying.
Everyone hates me now. Acha, amma, chettan, Principal, and every one.
No one even talks to me. It kills me. How can I face them again, Siddharth?
He hugged me.
Everything will be fine. I know its all because of me. Im sorry, Arohi. But
I cant stop loving you.
He wiped the tears flowing through my cheeks.
Whatever happens I love you and Ill wait for you my entire life. Will you
marry me?
I love you.
His chest rose and fell against me, our breaths in unison, and the warm
blood that we could feel in each others embrace. He stroked my long black
hair. The warmth of being with another human being and being happy made
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me want forgiveness even more. The realisation that we were not alone we
have been through this together since day one and that we were in love
together made us strong. The hug was an exchange of pure joy between me
and him.
He pulled me closer to him again wrapping his arms around me. His embrace
was warm, and his big, strong arms seemed very protective when wrapped
around my frail body. The world around me melted away as I squeezed him
back, not wanting the moment to end.
I want to hold you like this forever, Arohi.
Siddharth...can you go now? I dont feel its safe. I cant worry anymore. I
dont have the strength to face them.
I will go now, Arohi. But, you have to promise me something.
Tell me. I said looking out through the windows to check whether anyone
had come.
Promise that you will marry me. And only me.
Okay, promise.
Promise me upon god.
God Promise. Now leave.
Okay, Im going. Bye. Take care. Study well. You have to become a doctor.
Promise me that too.
Promise you, Siddharth. I said smiling, tilting my head a bit to the right.
Bye.
He went through the back door.
You shouldnt leave him my mind changed its opinion again. I laughed
without a reason. Yes, I was happy after long time. He washed that lonely
feeling away within seconds.
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Eighteen
Impression !!
After a week, I was again tortured by loneliness. No one to share your
emotions or if your family itself avoids you...that hurts the most. My loneliness
grew steadily until it dominated my emotions. What started out as a nagging
feeling became so strong that I resolved to break out of this loneliness to find
a friend, someone who would talk to me and maybe even share a joke.
This depression cannot give you anything. Try to impress others. My
mind advised.
What it said was right. Impression. I thought about it.
How to impress others? Whom should I impress? First, my parents. Then
everyone else in the world. The three golden rules to catch the impression of
others... I wrote it in an A4 size paper.
1. Study,
2. Behaviour and
3. Respect towards elders.
Yes, these are the main ways to get the attention of others. Then what else?
Dance is my passion. I can impress many by dance. When I was young, my
greatest wish was to become a good dancer. And that wish was reborn in
my heart.

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Thanks, my dear heart. You are the one who gave me this idea. I said to
myself and went to sleep.
DANCE DANCE
Dear students,
As you know, the state dance competitions are coming closer. So we
need to select students for different dances. Those students who are
interested to participate in the auditions should give their names before
Friday 21/10/2014. The auditions will be conducted on Monday, 24/10/
2014 at 2pm in the school auditorium. For further information, contact,
the school office.
Prapth Suresh
Head boy
I decided to participate in the competition and got selected too. Soon we
were divided into different groups. I was selected for salsa. The one who
was my pair was a smart, good-looking guy. Yadav Menon.
Hi...your name?
Arohi...U?
Yadav
Which class are you?
Tenth.
Then Im your senior.
Which class?
Eleventh.
Science or Commerce?
Science.
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Impression!!
I smiled.
Have you learned dance before? He asked.
Yeah...classical and western.
Have you learned salsa before?
No. First time.
I have. Ill train you.
As days passed, we became besties. I called him brother to keep a safe
distance as Siddharth said.
Salsa. Its is a popular form of social dance that originated in New York with
strong influences from Latin America,particularly Cuba and Puerto Rico. In
many styles of salsa dancing, as a dancer shifts their weight by stepping, the
upper part of the body remains level and nearly unaffected by the weight
changes. Weight shifts cause the hips to move. Arm and shoulder movements
are also incorporated. The Cuban Casino style of salsa dancing involves
significant movement above the waist, with up-and-down shoulder
movements and shifting of the ribcage.
Yadav taught me many salsa steps. He soon became my second coach. We
practised five hours a day and most of the time I was with him. So I did not
get enough time to talk with Siddharth. Whenever I talked to him, I talked
about the greatness of my Salsa friend. That irritated him. He asked me not
to talk to him. But, it was not possible without talking to him, since he was
my second coach and my bestie brother.
During the practice sessions, many students came to see us dancing salsa.
We advanced, retreated, pirouetted, our arms waved from side to side above
our heads, our heads swayed, our garments fluttered, yet seeming to show
glimpses of dark, flashing eyes beyond. Everyone clapped.
Nice pair. Amazing chemistry. We heard one of the girls saying about us.
Yadav smiled at me.
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Do you have a boyfriend? he asked.
Yadav...can you do a dance for me? Please...? Dont say no. I smoothly
changed the topic.
At first he hesitated, but then he began to dance. Kicking his right leg forward
with pointed toes and flexed calf muscles, my salsa friend pivoted in a revolving
whirl of sharp precision and accurate grace. The entity of him began advancing
in movement with purposeful clarity and absolute control. Everyone clapped
as he did a cart-wheel and ended. Hes simply amazing. I thought.
How well you dance, Yadav! Awesome.
Thanks, Arohi...
Now tell me. Do you have a boyfriend?
No. Why?
Everyone in the school says like that. So just asked you.
No. I dont have a boyfriend.
I knew.
I laughed inside. Fool I thought.

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Nineteen
Yadav Menon
Yadav is a nice guy. The way he dances...oh my god...Hes simply great.
Everyone likes him.
I was talking to Siddharth during the practice sessions.
Do you like him?
Yeah...he is my best friend.
No, Arohi. He is your brother. Always call him brother. Or else hell propose
you. Im sure.
Dont think such nonsense Siddharth. He is innocent.
I know boys more than you.
Is it? But I know him more than you. I mean personally.
You are killing me Arohi. Never ever talk to me about Yadav. Okay?
Okay...Its time for practice. Im going. Bye.
What happened to you Arohi? Youre getting lots of chance to talk to me.
But then too, you are not ready to talk to me. Are you avoiding me Arohi?
Siddharth, I have practice. Please understand. Yadav is calling for practice.
Bye.
Arohi, please. Dont talk to me about him. You have changed a lot. Bye.
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Bye.
As each day passed, Yadav and I got closer. While, I and Siddharth built up
a distance between us. I spent most of the time with Yadav and I spoke to
Siddharth rarely. Sometimes I had full day practice and I stayed in the school
boarding. So I didnt get the chance to call Siddharth. All this time, Yadav
was with me when Siddharth was not around. I was not able to think about
Siddharth when Yadav was with me.

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Twenty
From BF to ex-BF
The state competitions got over. I no longer needed to stay in the school for
practice sessions. Now, there was enough time for me to talk to Siddharth.
Arohi... you try to come to my house today. Siddharth wants to see you.
But will my parents come to know about it again?
No Arohi...Think positive. Tell them youre going to school or somewhere.
Okay...I will try. But Im not sure whether my parents will allow or not.
Dont worry, Arohi. They will allow you to go.
My parents allowed me to go and we were at Jeenas house.
Siddharth and I met there.
Dont do that, Arohi He said as I hurled a pillow at him.
We laughed.
Then tell me about the competition.
It was nice, Siddharth.
Did you miss me?
Yeah...But not so much since Yadav was around me.
He became silent. After ten minutes, he spoke.
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Dont talk to me about that asshole.
Hes such a nice guy, Siddharth.
I told you not to talk about him. Leave that. Tell me something else. He
took my hand in his.
No boyfriend can tolerate when his girlfriend considers someone else
as great. I thought.
Ringg Ringg
Whos calling? Whoever it is, tell him to call after sometime.
Its Yadav. Just five minutes, Siddharth.
Arohi cut the call. I am important for you, right? So talk to me.
We are talking right? Just five minute.
Hi Yadav. I attended the call.
Why were you absent yesterday?
I was not well.
What happened?
I had cold. My nose was blocked.
Are you okay now?
Yeah...Im fine.
What else?
Nothing, Yadav. Ill talk to you later. I was not feeling well.
Yeah...thats okay. Take rest.
Bye.
He was asking why I was absent yesterday I said to Siddharth as I ended
the call.
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From BF to ex-BF
I told you not to attend the call, right?
Sorry Siddharth. Hes my best friend and trainer. So took the call.
Just shut up. Now, I realise the real you.
Words fell out of his mouth like vapour but land in my guts as shrapnel. I feel
my insides tear, and the blood drain from my face. I would laugh but he was
deadly serious. His eyes were cold like Ive never seen and his features
immobile. He looked like someone about to vomit. I am trying to understand
the words hes telling me but I cant. He must love me, he has for so many
years, and to be honest I think hes the only one that ever has. Then he turns
to go, shoulders sunken and his hands in his pockets.
Dont speak such nonsense Siddharth. You have always given me worries.
So just shut up.
What nonsense, Arohi? You only talk nonsense.
I just hate you Siddharth. I dont want a person who misunderstands me all
the time. You are treating me like a caged bird.
You hate me? Just tell me that.
Words tumbled out, unstoppable and burning.
Yeah... I hate you.
You will suffer, Arohi.
Okay, I will suffer, Now, leave.
Even if you hurt me like this, I still love you, Arohi. He stayed silent, staring
at me, his wide eyes becoming glossy with tears
I dont want to hear such dialogues. I just hate you. Just leave.
Youre kidding, right? he asked, his voice shaking as my eyes met his for
the last time. No Siddharth, its over. I slowly turned away, trying to hide
the sadness in my eyes.
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I gulped down a sob and tried to keep my composure as he walked away.
My heart broke into little tiny pieces; tears of regret blurred my vision. I
wanted desperately to call out to him, beg on my knees that it would never
happen again. I wanted to erase my mistakes, start over fresh. I never realised
the importance of that moment until it became a memory.
After that incident, I did not have any contact with Siddharth. I loved him
still. I left him not because I loved Yadav. It was the attitude of my family
towards our love which stopped me from loving him. I should leave him. Or
else I would never get peace in my life. I didnt talk to him after that. I
deactivated my google account and blocked his number on my phone. Bye
Siddharth I said in my mind.

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Twenty one
Two years later...
It was a plethora of shattered bones, burning flesh, and cracked skulls. In
other words, it was pain and painful. Heavy, the air seemed to be as the
agonizingly long as days drew on. The wants and needs to shed a tear but
feeling nausea by the thought. If I lost my sight would I not see the same
darkness? If I lost everyone near me would I still recognize no one? And for
what? To be reminded that I wouldve cared for him. I wouldve died for
him. I would have run to the edges of the universe if only to bring him back
a star. A star that he would look at every night and think I love you. Now!
That will never happen. I know.
The love that had nestled in my soul made me a better person. I struggled to
open my eyes. I recalled our first meeting, shy and tentative. I recalled the
sorrow we shared together. Through everything, the good and the bad,
We both had clung together like two sailors in a storm.
The results of my 12th board exams came. I passed with 93%, one of the
toppers of the school. I sat back and let the happiness soak right into my
bones. I wanted the feeling to still be there until I die. I closed my eyes and
savoured the moment, but never released my grip on the seemingly
inconsequential piece of paper and ink in my hands. For the first time my
body and mind relaxed. At that moment there were no expectations upon
me, no deadlines and no schedules to meet. I have made it, I m a winner.
I thought.
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Everyone likes me now. Thats great. I dont know who made this theory...
A person who doesnt have a lover and studies well is a winner. A person
who has a lover and studies well is a loser. According to that theory, Im a
winner now.
Many of my relatives came home to congratulate the topper girl. They
presented me with chocolates, clothes and other stuff which I liked. For the
first time in my life I became tired of eating chocolates.
Whats your percentage, Arohi?
93%
Great...congrats, Arohi.
Thanks Jeena.
Siddharth will be happy to hear this. Did you tell him?
Why should I tell him?
Arohi, you have changed a lot. I dont want to talk to you. Bye.
She ended the call before I could speak a word. What she said was not
going from my mind. Did I change a lot? I dont know. I thought about him.
Why did I leave him? For my parents, my family. I answered to myself.
In the half-light Caleb looks like the shadow has become. Hunched over the
baggage he could be anybody, and in a way I guess he is. I took our bond
for granted, and in my naivety Id thought it unbreakable. I wanted to beg,
plead, get down on my knees and tell him that our love has a meaning, but I
cant. Because Im afraid. Now everyone likes and trusts me. I dont want
that trust to be broken. So, I tried not to think about him.
Im already in transition to become a person I never wanted to be. The
bitterness is rising like bile into my mouth and when hes gone Ill have no
reason to swallow it anymore.

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Two years later...

The next day, a big group of my friends came home asking for treat. As I got
good marks in the exam, my parents gave me some money to treat them. So
it was destination KFC...
We went in my friends car. There was not an inch space in the car as 15 of
us were compactly packed into that car like atoms in an element.
We gave our orders.25 pieces of KFC chicken, French fries, garlic paste,
chillers, cola etc. According to an astrologer, it was a good day for that
shopkeeper to get such a big order. After I left Siddharth, I had rare happiness
and fun. In these two years, I never felt happy. But today, I felt relaxed and
light on going out with my friends.
After filling our tummies; I paid the bill and we left the shop. Out of the shop,
I saw my ex-boyfriend talking to Jeena. He looked awesome like always.
He turned his gaze from Jeena to me. Then he waved bye to Jeena and left
on his bike. I looked at him as he moved away, without anyone noticing me.
Siddharth asked me to convey his congrats.
Mmm...Did he say anything else?
Yeah...many things. But I cant tell you.
Have it your way then. I said furiously.
I know you, Arohi. You love him. You are just pretending. I know.
I...I... I said and stopped unable to finish the sentence. Actually, I wanted
to tell her that I hated Siddharth. But I was not able to say that. So I said bye
and left. The only way to deal issues of Siddharth was just to run away, I
thought.
Noon 2:00 pm
Every day in your life is important .My second home- school taught me this
great lesson. If your school hasnt taught you not to care about what people
think of you, then you missed out one of the biggest lessons in life. I miss my
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school days a lot now. All those library periods and P.T. periods. I miss them
all.
There was deadlock silence. No one anywhere. I walked through the cashew
trees and sat in the steps looking at the basket ball court. They all reminded
me of the past. Memories. My school life had given me many memorable
moments. The only worst thing I felt during my school days was searching
for my school socks in the morning before school. I still remember those
craziest moments-standing outside the class punished for not doing the
homework, getting punishment from my physics teacher for not plaiting my
hair ,the sense of unity in the classroom when we knew all of us failed, and
those penguin run with my school bag on my back. Memories......How I like
them...but do I really? All of them?
I clicked selfies and uploaded it on facebook. Likes for those snaps increased
like gold rate! I remember when my friends and I competed for more red
stars from our teachers and now competing for more likes on facebook.
Thats the change. Change in generations.
9 pm
My friends left. It was a day which was unforgettable, and which gave me
lots of happiness. But he was disturbing my mind- Siddharth. Nights hit me
the most. I never slept peacefully. As sleep came to me, the past memories
also came along. May be sleep and memories are companions. And I
their enemy. I never liked them together. I cursed those past memories.
Live in the present. I said to myself.
Today, I realise that to love deeply meant to risk
great pain. And then I was lost. No longer the master, I was a puppet. No
more playing hard to get and dodging phone calls. The tears were not quiet
and controlled, they fell as fast as the rain fall and I sobbed to draw breath.
My lungs heaved and I knew there was no cure for my heart. I had never
looked at another, wanted another. My love had departed and I must find a
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Two years later...

way forwards. I could see him in my memories and those reflections brought
me both comfort and pain. He was alive but gone. I stayed head bowed until
my face had been dried by the wind and my composure regained. It was that
pain and the intensity of this heartache that proved the strength of our bond
and I could not bear to feel less.
I didnt sleep. I thought about him.
He was the one who always compelled you to study and its because of
him that you got good marks in the exam. Only he was there with you
when everyone avoided you. All these thoughts were coming to my mind.
I felt lucky as there was a person like him to love me. Even now he loves me
sincerely. I know that. Then why am I avoiding him? What made us
separate? What happened between us? Why did I cheat him? I asked a
lot of questions to myself without being able to find an answer for them.
Ignoring what my mind asked, I fell asleep.

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Twenty two
Days of Exams begin...
After a busy schedule of study for two weeks, the day of the medical entrance
examination came. As the exam came closer I was all of a tingle. My body
was reacting like there was a gorilla about to beat the crap out of me instead
of being faced with a sheet of physics questions. In the cool of the classroom
I can ace this stuff, I know I can. I drink it in, horror though it is for the most
part parts of human body, their functions, and their location fascinating
stuff. But my body is preparing for a marathon instead of sitting still for a
couple of hours. Im going to sit on that plastic chair while my brain fights the
urge to walk -no run like hell - out the door. I wont though; Ill sit and write
the test, but when my mind is in full on freak-out mode its hard to recall the
details.
Its almost ten and the time for me to reach the exam hall. I wore a red kurti,
yellow chudis and a yellow dupatta. I looked like a village girl in that dress.
Siddharth always loved to see me like that. He will be happy to see me in
this dress. In kurtis. I miss him. Today. Now. This moment. My mind cried
shouting something.
I started my Pleasure and drove to the temple which I visited frequently. I
removed my sandals and stepped in to the temple. Stood in front of bagwaan
and folded my hands. The one who stood in the other side had the face of
my ex-boyfriend. Yeah...its him. However I suspect Id react with a bit of
trepidation, wondering whether hed changed in any way, or whether the
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Days of Exams begin...

separation had made either of us feel differently about each other. That
Separation between us made me forget the negative aspects of our
relationship. It was after an extended period of two years that I saw him that
day. He was praying. I guessed he didnt see me. As I did the pradakshinas,
I felt blessed to see him there that moment. I believed God himself have
created all these surprises. Hes simply great. I thought. He gave me
everything without even asking him. Thats the special quality of god. A quality
which he hadnt given to human. As I did the second pradakshina, Siddharth
walked past me. He looked at me. At first his eyes became wider. Then
smiled. I smiled back. After getting the sandal Prasad, Siddharth came near
me. My hands shivered with fear.
How are you? he mumbled.
Good. You?
Hmm... Good. Prepared for your exams?
Yes Siddharth.I paused and continued Let me tell you one thing? You are
really great.
No, Arohi. Im a loser. A big loser. You have to be happy. Always. Write
the exam well. Read the questions well before answering it and pray to god.
Mmm...
Tears rolled down my cheeks and his stubble.
Dont worry. Be cool. I will be always with you. Ooopz...Sorry, Arohi. I
know I dont have the right to say that...All the best. Do well.
Bye, Sidharth.
He smiled in a way which hurt me. A worried smile. A fake smile.
Hes sad. Even though I left him two years ago, I can understand his every
expression. I should not have left him .I thought as I went back home.

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Pooja Gunasekharan
My exam centre was St.Teresas college, Kottayam. Just a two hour drive
from my home. Dad and mom came with me to the examination centre.
I went inside the exam hall and it started after a minutes time. It was a three
hour exam. I finished the exam within 2.5 hours .The bell rang. I woke up
from a nap. Everyone went out. Some with a sad face and some with a face
as bright as a tube light. I went outside the classroom searching for my
parents from such a big crowd. After twenty minutes, I found them.
The eagerness in their face frightened me. The exam was not so easy. In
other words, it was tough. Even though it was tough, I felt happy since I saw
Siddharth after a long gap. I came out with a happy, extra smiling face which
made my parents think that their daughter would get first rank in the medical
entrance exam. I told the exam was easy so that they could be happy at least
till the result came.
After the exam was over, we drove to Loyola College where my brother
was a first year MBA student. At home hes my nemesis, poking fun at me
morning and night. No embarrassing secret is untouchable; he fights hard
and dirty. But at school he was my big brother, the one who shut my bullies
down when the teachers did crap all. He always acts like he is my protector,
my guardian. Maybe its because he likes to be the one who always gets to
order me around, or control me. But I guess he only does that because he
loves me, and he has grown up learning how to protect me all the time. In
brief, hes my worst enemy and best friend all in one neat package. He is not
like me. Smart and innocent. He doesnt have a girlfriend and other stuff.
Rank holder in university exams.
As I saw him in front of the hostel, I ran towards him for a gentle hug. A
sisterly hug.
Wheres my gift? I asked him like a child.
Wait, Arohi...let me take it.

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Days of Exams begin...

He unzipped his bag and took a heavy book from it.
Take it...Your gift.
Thanks I said in a low tone looking down.
I dont like reading books. And thats the reason why he presented me a
book. To cultivate the reading habit in me. As I stared at the book, my
brother smiled at me in a tricky way.
You like it? he asked in a festive tone.
Yeah...so much. I lied.
We returned home. At night, I was involved in my deep thoughts like usual.
About the exam, about Siddharth, our conversation and everything. I thought
about it again and again.
He still loves me. I saw it in his eyes. I too love him. Then why did I leave
him? For my parents. For their happiness. May be his part in my life was
been over. And my parents would be just a reason for that end. He is over.
I repeated like a child.

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Twenty three
The result comes today
There was a week left for the results to come. All that I do now is sitting
simply staring at the ceiling fan in my room.
What caught my eyes other than the ceiling was a painting kit. I wiped the
dust in it with my palms and took out the paints and brushes from it. I took
a plain chart paper. When my hand moved over the paper it, almost like my
mind was directing my hand without me, odd perhaps, but that was the way
it was. My hand moved instinctively to the right spot, creating a new picture,
often one I had never seen before. In these fantastic worlds I saw reflections
of my own mind, the waymy thoughts went. Painting has some powers. Its
a perfect way to gain peace. I painted many pictures then. It became my
only hobby. I dreamt of myself as a painter drawing inspiring pictures with
joyful colours to decorate the walls of hospital and school. I tried to paint
ones that would soothe and calm people, creating atmospheres that help
learning, healing and relaxing. One day, I thought, the world will smile at my
art. When you paint, dont even ask anyone for help. Because the most
wonderful thing about painting is being left alone with your own imagination.
I painted again and again not to get praise from others, but to play a game of
endless joy.
After I finished my painting works, I saw something in my bag. It was that
book. The book which my brother gave me last day. Girls Who Rocked the
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The result comes today

World. That was the name of the book. Even though I hate reading books,
I decided to read it since my brother gave it.
I opened it. I ran my eyes through the index page.
There were 33 chapters. It felt nice. A book which tells the incredible stories
of thirty-three real girls past and present all around the world, who achieved
amazing feats and changed history before reaching their twenties. It
encouraged me to believe in my dreams and in my powers to make a
difference. All those great women like Anne Franke and Helen Keller are
definite proof that girls like you and me can achieve our goals, pursue our
passion and live our dreams. Remembering the words of Anna Dickinson,
the world belongs to those who take it. So, take it and rock the world guys.
4 pm
My moms phone beeped. It was Nishana, my friend.
Arohi, the results have come.
What results, Nishana?
Medical Entrance result. Check in the website.
Okay, okay,...Bye...
I felt the fear in my chest waiting to take over. Perhaps it only wants to
protect me but there really isnt any danger. It sits there like an angry ball
propelling me towards an anxiety I just didnt need.
Ma...the results have come.
Medical?
Hmm... I said in a depressed tone.
Ma became excited as she believed I would get some good ranks in the
exam. But since I didnt have such false hopes, I was shivering. Small drops
of sweat appeared on my forehead as my brother typed the website. We sat
knee deep in silence. The faucet dripped into the sink, each one reverberating
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around the room like a cymbal, yet no-one blinked or moved to stop it.
Outside there was no traffic or bird song. There was no sound in the house,
yet everyone was moving, moving and not talking. I sat, unable to read, foot
tapping up and down like some dumb windup toy. In the next five minutes I
will be a medical student...or nothing. I thought.
The results appeared on the screen. My rank was 8069 which meant I was
not selected.

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Twenty Four
If theres a will, theres a way...
I joined an entrance coaching centre to repeat for medical entrance. Since it
was not possible to be a day scholar travelling long distance, I stayed in the
hostel. The new environment, new people and new roommates bought a
sense of loneliness and I missed my family sorely. There were strict rules and
regulations in the boarding school but after some initial hiccups I managed to
fit in. The severe rules in hostel did a lot of good to the students and helped
them to grow as a rational human being.
There were about eighty girls in my hostel. Some were very studious. They
always remained busy in their studies. Some were mischievous. They gave
little time to studies. They spent their time moving around, playing and bullying
others or making fun of others.
Students of various communities and religion, stayed together in the hostel.
Thus it helped me to know about the various cultures of different regions.
Hostel life taught me how to become independent. In hostel, we had to live
according to the rules of hostel. We had to wake up on time, sleep on times,
have food on time, study on time etc. This helped us in maintaining discipline
in our life style. Something which I experienced the first time in my life.
In fact, I learnt an important lesson from my hostel life that difficulties help us
to know the outer world. When I sit back and reflect I feel that I have learnt
so much from my hostel life and started my life journey with wisdom. I still
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remember the late night studies before the examinations, the scolding of our
warden for the same, and the laughter shared with my friends.
There were about 50 students in my class. The same portion which was
taught in 12th was being taught. So, it felt boring; studying the same thing
again. The class hours were long .It was from 8:30 am to 4:30 pm. The only
entertainment for me was to go to the canteen and to get my tummy filled
with all the available food stuff there.
During the class hours, I never changed my gaze from the teacher pretending
like a studious child and sleeping inside. What comes to my mind when I
stare at the teacher during class hours is my school life. Schoolish memories.
The wind blew softly as the students arrived through the gates, hustling and
bustling down the corridors. Friends were greeting each other with a hug or
a playful punch while newcomers stood looking scared. The seniors stand,
tall and proud, confidence born of experience. Soon the bells ring and
everybody runs except an occasional slowcoach or chatterbox. Thats my
school.
I still remember those good times that my school presented me. I feel like
laughing aloud now, during this chemistry period, when I think of one of the
incidents that happened during my school days. That awkward moment, I
remember, when I shouted the wrong answer with full confidence.
Memories. They do a lot to ones life. They have got some special powers.
They can make you laugh even though you are crying. They can change your
moods without even your own notice. Those memories do both good and
harm. This time, it creates a sense of loss in my mind. But those memories
were the only strength for me to go forward.
Three more months for the exam. A very tight schedule too.
Study,study,study. A golden rule to win the entrance exam. I prepared a
timetable for myself and stuck it on the wall near my study table.
5:00 - Wake up
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6:00 - study
7:30 -break fast
8:00 - class time
5:00 -back to hostel (jail)
5:00-6:00 - evening snacks, bath etc..
6:15 -prayer
6:30 -study
8:00 - dinner
8:30 study
11:30 -to bed
I poured myself into the pages. I scoured the books. I read until I was
almost cross-eyed and the words merged into nonsense. I lived each page in
breathless rapture. I felt tensed about exam for the first time. Its nearing. A
big, tough competition. A competition that could change my life.
Just one more day to go. Tomorrow is the exam. My Medical Entrance
Exam. Im prepared for it. In fact, preparing. Preparing every second for the
exam. I want to get it this time. I fixed it in my mind.
My parents and relatives called me to wish me an All the best for the exam.
I wonder why none of my relatives called me on my birthday and called me
when the exam or any result comes. Thats the same case everywhere, I
guess.
Today is the exam. Its after long days of hard work that Im attending the
exam. I went to my exam hall. Prayed. Took my pen and waited for the
exam to begin. Today Im not so conscious about my dressing or appearance.
I am only thinking about my exam. The bell rang indicating my journey to
become a doctor had started. The questions were simple. But twisted. But it
was easier than the previous attempt. So I felt happy. My parents called me
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to know about the exam. I can understand their curiosity. They would come
today to pick me from the hostel.
I went back to my hostel after the exam. Packed my bags. Gave treat to my
friends. Laughed, cried and ate a lot. Today, Im feeling sad. Because of
many reasons. Because of missing my friends, leaving the hostel, fun in the
canteen and everything.

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Twenty Five
Back home...
Its after a year, I came back home. It was strange, being here again after so
long. Despite being away for a long time, I still remembered everything about
the place; the jasmine plants planted in the front yard and the soft tinkling of
the wind reminded me of summer afternoons. I walked up to the door,
dragging my luggage behind me. I raised my hand to knock along with my
dad who came to pick me, but I stopped. I took a deep breath, and forced
myself to hit the door. I heard the ding-dong sound coming from inside,
and someone running to get the door. It opened slowly, and my mothers
warm, loving face was revealed. I embraced her in a tight hug.
I stepped into my room. The blaring sun fought against the protective cover
of the curtains and made its way through a crack in the blinds. The blue paint
had faded since I had last seen it, but
I still recognized it. It looked like the colour of the sky before a bad storm.
The only thing I missed in my room was the posters of Deepika Padukone,
which I stuck on the wall when I was small. I landed my luggage on the floor
and went to sleep first. After sometime, I heard my mom calling for me
aloud. I felt disturbed since she woke me up from the sleep.
Im coming, ma. I said in a irritated, slow tone mixed with sleep.
Surprise.

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Pooja Gunasekharan
What ma..?
The words surprise itself surprised me.
My mom asked me to close my eyes. And then placed something on my
palms. I opened my eyes looking at my palm which made me jump with
excitement. It was a phone. An electronic device which I was not allowed to
touch after Siddharths incident. When I had an affair with him, I remember,
I had so many restrictions. No phone, no internet, no facebook. Nothing. I
remembered how strict my mom was and the things I couldnt do compared
to my friends. Hated it before. But I see what she created now, MORALS.
I hugged her tightly. Logged into my facebook profile which remained
deactivated for three long years. I added many of my schoolmates and became
addicted to it for a while like a hungry person getting food after days. I
uploaded a profile picture too. One in which me and my brother were standing
in front of the statue of Tipu Sultan.
After having food, I logged in again. There was a request and a message this
time. Both from Yadav Menon. I opened the message. It went like this.
U remember me?
I didnt reply.
After three minutes, another message came from him.
Im Yadav. You were my school mate. Just chek my profile. Then you will
get me.
I scanned his profile. It was my old salsa friend.Yadav Menon. The villain in
my story. The one who created misunderstandings between me and Siddharth.
Yadav.. How are you? I replied him.
Im good. What about you..?
Good. Where u studying now?
Bangalore Medical Collage.
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Back home...
Medicine?
Yes.
Omg..! So am I chatting with an MBBS student...?
Of course. Where u studying?
Im repeating my medical entrance. L
Oh thats great. How was the exam..?
It was fine.. Better than first attempt.
Good.
Which year..?
2nd
Okay...good.
Your result comes tomorrow right?
Yes L
Why sad?
Im tensed.
Dont worry. If you have worked hard, you will get selected. Just pray.
Okay then...Im going. Bye.
Bye.
Finally the day Ive been dreading is here. The day on which the result
comes. My hands spread like pale starfish around my standard-issue coffee
cup, and they are cold too, resisting the warmth that struggles to seep into
them. I must be quite gaunt, but Ill not be looking in the mirror today.
I turn down food but accept a glass of water which I take tiny sips of as we
wait on the couch. I dont want to chew on my nails or lips, so I find myself
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gnawing on the inside of my cheek. It still hasnt healed from a few days ago.
Soon the taste of blood filled my mouth.
My brother typed my roll number on a box and clicked ok.
It seemed like the whole of my future was going to be revealed by that okay
button.
The results came flashing on the screen. I was selected. Yes...at last, I
successfully completed
my first step to become a doctor.
Yadav,you know what happened since then. With a deep sigh I completed
narrating to Yadav why I was depressed and why I didnt take his call,
Pooja. Arohi held Poojas hand and said: Yadav came to find out why I was
not taking his call. I told him I was frightened. These were Yadavs words,
Pooja.
He asked me:
I want to know just one thing, Arohi...
Ask me, Yadav.
Do you love him still?
No. I said half- lying.
He hugged me.
Forget everything. Just think its over. No more painful memories. Okay?
Yes, Yadav. I promise you.
We hugged.
Dont cry, Arohi. This depression cant give you anything...just forget the
past...and try to be happy always... I advised Arohi.

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Back Home...
I regret what has happened in my life, my affair with Siddharth and how
Yadav outsmarted me to fix his marriage with me. she said as tears rolled
down through her cheeks.
Dont think about it, Arohi..Just try to forget it. I said.
Regrets...thats something very destructive, but powerful too. They are like
moral residue. Like something hard to remove got stuck on you when you
did something against your better judgement. And now, Arohi is trapped by
regrets and depression.
Im trying to change...I want to change.. I dont want to remember them
anymore..
Yeah...thats how it should be..
She smiled.

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Twenty Six
Two days before the marriage...
Arohi was alone at home. Her Parents had gone to invite a distant relative
for the wedding.
Arohi stood talking to yadav over the mobile. The door bell rang.
Yadav...someones at the door. Let me check. Ill call you later. She said
and ended the call.
Holding the end of the long Peacock blue saree, she ran down through the
steps and opened the door. Seeing the one standing in front of her, she tried
to push him back and close the door. But his macho physique didnt allow
her to do so. He entered the room and locked the door from inside. He
looked at her like a beast with his thick beard and overgrown hair. He looked
distraught with strong feeling. It was her ex-boyfriend. Siddharth Shekhar.
Siddharth, please. Im sorry for what Ive done. I never thought I should do
like this. But it all happened. You dont know how much I suffered all these
seven years. Everything is over between me and you. Please leave me alone,
Siddharth. she pleaded moving backwards with him going closer to her.
Her palms touched a wall at the back which stopped her from moving
backwards further. He went closer to her and looked flirtatiously like a loon.
She turned her head entirely to the other side with tears flowing heavily
through her cheeks.

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Two days before the marriage...

He slapped her on her cheek.
Please, Siddharth. I am sorry. Please dont do anything. Go from here. I
beg of you. Please. She cried keeping her right palm on the cheek where he
slapped.
He kept his hands on her shoulders and made her sit down. On the floor. He
too sat there, just opposite to her.
Ringg... Ringg...
Her phone beeped. It was Yadav. Siddharth didnt allow her to take the call.
Instead he grabbed the phone from her hand and attended it.
Arohi...Who came there?
Siddharth didnt respond for a minute.
Arohi..?Can you hear me? What happened?
Im Siddharth. He said in a gruff voice.
You...**** leave her alone.
No...You will never marry her.
Leave her alone, Siddharth. Ill come over. We can talk it over today.
Please.
He switched off the phone. Looked at Arohi for long and suddenly broke
into tears. He became sentimental and violent at the same time. He cried
vigorously beating his head on the floor. Arohi took his head in her hands.
Dont waste your life for me, Siddharth. Sorry for everything I have done to
you and your life.
He hugged her.
I want to hold you like this forever, Arohi.
Leave me, Siddharth. How can you do that? Im going to be someone
elses wife.
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You dont know how much I loved you. You dont know how much I
trusted you. Even though you went to Bangalore, I thought you were waiting
for me. But you cheated me. What you have done to me and my life cannot
be recovered just by a sorry.
He closed his eyes and tightened his jaws with anger. Then took her face in
his palms and said: Im going to forget everything you have done to me,
Arohi. Theres still one more day left. Come with me. We can get married.
What are you saying, Siddharth? Are you mad to speak such nonsense?
I want to know just one thing. Will you come with me or not?
No, Siddharth. Its not possible.
I wont let you be sad Arohi. I wont fight with you. I wont hurt you. I want
you. Please come with me, Arohi. Im begging you.
I cant, Siddharth. How can I? Theres just one day left for my wedding.
How can I come with you destroying the expectations of my parents and
Yadav?
Dont speak a word, Arohi. He tightened his jaws. Then continued after a
second...
Ive waited for you for the past seven years. So you dont have any problem
destroying my expectations? I thought you would come with me. Because I
had a false hope. I thought you loved me. Just realise this, Arohi. Falling in
love is easy. But staying in love is a great thing. Do you remember that day?
When I came to your house?
No.
Sensing Arohis dangerous predicament, Yadav rushed to Arohis house.
The ache of longing to see his bride and rescue her from Siddharth was
racing in his heart as he drove to her house. All his memories with Arohi
came flooding in his mind as in a movie.
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Two days before the marriage...

Life is too short...so fast the lone hours fly...we ought to be together..you
and I.. he thought of Arohis words, the naughtiness in her eyes and the
cuteness in her smile. Those memories at the same time comforted and
troubled him. He couldnt breathe, he felt as if someone was choking him.
Sometimes when you miss some dear one, the whole world seems
depopulated. The same was the situation with Yadav. The absolute horror
completely paralyzed him, and the more he thought about the situation, the
more he felt discouraged and utterly terrified. He had never been so scared
in his life.
Nothing will happen. Arohi is safe. He thought to himself.
Yadav rushed to the door as he reached the house.
He could hear Siddharth talking to Arohi.
You gave me a promise... remember?, he was telling Arohi.
She cried.
Yadav listened to the conversation between Arohi and Siddharth, standing
at the door. Then He tried to open the door and started banging on it and
trying to push it open. But it was locked from within.
Tell me. Siddharth shouted at Arohi.
No ,I dont remember.
No? Then, dont worry. Ill remind you. You promised me upon god that
you will marry me or else die with me.
Now do you remember?
Mmm
Yadav tried desparetly to break open the door. Siddharth was now shouting
again.
Then take a decision fast. : Siddharth urged Arohi.
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Im sorry, Siddharth.
Arohi said tearfully. Yadav moved to a window to get a view of Arohi.
Yadaw saw them seated on the floor.
Its okay, Arohi. I will leave you. But you have to do me a favour.
I will. Tell me.Yadaw could see Siddharth taking something from his shirt
pocket.
Wear this lip gloss. Siddharth handed it to her.
She did as he ordered, hoping he would go away.
Now kiss me. Siddharth told her.
No, Arohi dont. Yadav started shouting from the window.
Yadav, please help Yadav. She pleaded and tried to break herself free from
Siddharth.
Before she could do anything in protest Siddharth kissed her on the lips,
holding her hands. In an instant, they fell backwards, Siddharth lying by
Arohis side.
Yadav screamed loudly and rushed back to the door to break it open. He
was horrified. His pulse quickened, heart thudding like a rock rattling in a
box, his fists clenched with blanched knuckles and the nails digging deeply
into the palms of his hand.
Arohi, Arohi........ he called for his bride loudly. At that precise moment,
Arohis parents arrived.
Yadav, what happened..? Why are you screaming? Why are you trying to
break open the door ? Arohis father asked in suprise and alarm.
Yadav was unable to speak, totally stunned by what he saw inside. He moved
to the window and pointed to where the two were lying. Arohis parents
looked inside through the window. They were horrified by what they saw.
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Twenty Seven
After two hours...
Yadav entered a hall written MORTUARY. When Yadav approached the
still form it was perfect in every way; wrapped in white clothes to the long
brown hair she was bride-like. Instinctively he reached out her face to touch
her, to wake her. Upon contact he recoiled ,he withdrew his fingers as quickly
as a child from a hot stove. It was the coldness of his beloveds body that
shocked him. He took a step back, nursing her dead hand in the other hand.
The girl was frozen right through but looked like she might awake any moment
and burst into a song.
Her body was cold. So cold. The life that had dwelt within her has gone and
is safe from the perils of this world. No harm can come to her now. Hearts
that used to beat with love are still. Minds that felt so many emotions are
blank.
Yadav was unable to move. He cried like a mad person holding his brides
hand. Suddenly, he walked back with the doctor following him.
He went to the toilet and cried and cried his heart out, until he was able to
realise the fact that his beloved was no more.
He walked to the doctor.
How did this happen, doctor?
Its actually...a kind of killing.
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Killing?
Cool down, Yadav. You are a doctor, right?
Yes...
Did you notice the colour of her lips? They were poisoned.
Poisoned?
Yes...potassium cyanide.
Yadav covered his eyes with his hands for a minute. The doctor continued.
Im not sure its a killing. May be its a suicide. Yadav knew what had
happened. It was Siddharth, who had given Arohi the lip gloss.
He killed her. He killed me too. I want her back doctor. He repeated like
a child. He cried as if his brain was being shredded from the inside. Emotional
pain flowed out of his every pore. From his mouth came a cry so raw that
even the eyes of the strangers around them were suddenly wet with tears.
He grabbed a chair so that his violent shaking would not cause him to fall.
From his eyes came a thicker flow of tears.
We expect to bury our parents one day, but never our beloved. He said to
the doctor. The whole world had vanished for him, now there was only pain
which would break him, pain, to change him beyond recognition.
Arohis body reached home for the funeral. Covered with white clothes, she
looked as if she was sleeping. She looked stunning even though she was
dead. The sun shone brilliantly and the vibrant colour of the spring day under
its glare was offensively bright and cheerful. It was as if they conspired to
show him how the world would go on without her. It shouldnt. Everything
should be as grey and foggy as my emotions, it should be cold and damp
with silent air. He thought crying inside. But the birds still sang and the flowers
still bloomed. He sat near her dead body like a silhouette of himself, wishing
he really was as insubstantial as the shadows so that his insides might not feel
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After two hours...

so mangled. He sat in silent grief and awaited the funeral service. I love her.
He said to himself. A light had been extinguished forever from his heart.
Yadav saw people digging the graves in the backyard of her house. Her
body was kept in the grave. Her mother didnt come out. She didnt have
the strength to see her daughter being burnt in front of her eyes. Her brother
lit the fire when the pyre was ready.
Yadav looked at it. Looked at his bride being consumed by fire, going away
from him in white smoke. Forever. His beloved is going into the black earth.
Watching her being burnt through tear-stained eyes, he said:
Good-bye, my love.

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Twenty Eight
Two days later...
Is this Siddharths house? Yadav asked a middle-aged woman.
Yes.
Im Yadav. I was the one who was going to marry Arohi.
Come in.
He stepped in. At first, he noticed the garlanded photo of Siddharth hung on
the living room wall.
Aunty, I want to know what exactly happened between Arohi and
Siddharth.
He didnt kill her, Yadav. Im sure.
You are mistaken aunty. He killed her.
He was mentally abnormal, Yadav. He loved Arohi. When he saw your
wedding card, he tried to attempt suicide many times. That day, he gave me
a dairy and told me hed come back with Arohi. But after that he never came
back. Tears flowed steadily, silently down her immobile face.
Wheres that dairy aunty? Can you give it to

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Two days later...

me?
She handed him a dairy which contained everything about his life. It said
how much he loved Arohi. It was something very valuable.
Thanks aunty. Im going back home to Bangalore today. Bye.
Take care, mone.

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Twenty Nine
Four days later..
Yadav was walking through the hospital corridors. If Arohi was alive, she
would also be walking with him now. He thought. He couldnt stop thinking
of her. He couldnt stop loving her. He couldnt stop missing her. Thats real
love.
He formed an image of Arohi in his mind and told her I love you, Arohi. I
love you lots and lots. Within you,I lose myself...without you I find myself
wanting to be lost again... You are not dead. You are living in my heart,
Arohi. You are always there in my heart. I love you, Arohi. It means I will
comfort you in the difficult and painful times. It means I will dance and rejoice
with you when times are good. It means I will never betray you, never give
up on you. It means finding my fire when you are threatened, yet never
waging war - only doing what is necessary for a noble defence. Love says
though life may test me I am yours into eternity and I will never abandon you.
I will never marry another girl, Arohi. Youre still living in my heart. I love
you.
He opened that dairy which Siddharth had given his mother before stepping
into the trap of death. It contained photos of Arohi, photos of him, and other
snaps of their moments together.
Second Page from Siddharths Dairy
It was raining. I ran to a bus shed to protect myself from the shower. There,
I saw a girl...who stole my heart. She was just beautiful.. The beautifully
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Four Days Later...

sculptured work of art, I explored and traced slowly.. Surprisingly I saw a
hidden tinkle on the nook of her deep hazel eyes, like a dew in early sunshine..
Perfectly placed blade nose, delicately curved thin lips with burrowed
cheekbones, slightly out turned ears and clean radiant skin.. She was not
carved in haste..But with grace and patience like a ritual..I fail words to
describe her..My heart pleasantly melted when I first saw her... Just near
me.
Fourth page from Siddharths dairy...
Arohi...Today I saw her...at her home. I went there with Jeena. Like a waterfall
the hair strands lay on her shoulders, blowing breeze whipped her hair behind,
straightening the curls into waves. Those shining eyes travelled from one
side to another, glistening every time they moved.She had dangerously
beautiful lips.If smiled they would be warm baring a hint of shyness.I
stepped towards her at every step she would take a step back.. Doesnt
seem to be trusting me, protecting herself as fragile. I walked up to her
and slowly pulled her close to me wrapping my arms around her.....A simple
gesture of affection.I could feel her soft baby skin. It felt like I was at
peace and the world stopped still.I stroked her hair and whispered into
her ears...I want to hold you like this forever, Arohi...
Sixth page from Siddharths dairy...
Our passion bound us together, our laughter and our good times kept me
happy. Today, she is not with me. She is staying in the hostel. She is going to
become a doctor. When she comes, Im sure shell come to me and marry
me. Im waiting for that moment to come. There was emptiness when you
were not around me, Arohi. I want you to know that. Everything here
reminded me of you. I missed you. My illusion that we were in a carefree
relationship fell away, a future without you was no future at all. You were
part of my being; your love had seeped into my skin and rested in my bones.
The bond that had been invisible until that moment became obvious, tangible
and robust. I had never understood marriage before, but now all I wanted
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was to promise myself to you for the rest of my life, to honour you, nurture
you, and keep you in sickness and health. I love you, Arohi. Come back
soon.
Eighth page from Siddharths diary...
Where are you, Arohi? Its been two years you are away from me. You
understand my anxieties, my triggers and the ghosts that haunt me, driving
actions that are so illogical to others. Then why should you leave me, Arohi?
Why did you end the call today? Dont you want to talk to me? I know you
love me. I will keep you safe with my words, my deeds. I am the one who
will always be there for you, be honest with you, listen to you and care for
you at the maximum. I wont always have answers for you, you wont always
have answers for me, but you will never be alone in your problems and
neither will I. So today I will paint you a picture of my love with words, and
then every day I will prove they are true.
Eleventh page from Siddharths dairy...
Love is when you care about someone more than you care for yourself.
When you want the other person to have everything they want to have. It
does not matter how destructive it is, how it hurts you. Its love. Its worth
fighting for. When you love someone, you dont stop loving her. Never. Not
even if people call you crazy and stupid and tell you that you should let go.
Your smile, often vacant from your face, is etched in my head. I barely
remember your voice but I remember the butterflies in my stomach when I
hear it. The feeling of satisfaction I get when you look at me, that timethe
first timewhen you looked at me. Perhaps, Ive been mistaking it for a
mutual attraction but deep down, I pray that you feel the same as I do. A
million different scenarios play out in my head, on a daily basis, about how
we will come together. Right now, I feel like they will come true. But then
again, its nearly midnight so, perhaps, Ive lost.

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Four Days Later...

Seventeenth page from Siddharths dairy...
To me you are the world itself. Arohi and without you I cannot enjoy a
simple flower or the rising sun. There is nothing I wouldnt do to keep you
safe from harm, but I cannot protect you forever. I can only be there when
you fall and stand well back while you reach for the stars.
To love is to live, and all I did was to love you. Your words, your touch
warmed me, Arohi. Youre special. You have got some magical powers. I
can still feel your lips on mine, their warmth and how, for once, I didnt feel
alone. I loved you, still do, and apparently still havent realised you arent
mine.
Twenty fifth page from Siddharths dairy...
Love is meeting someone that makes you more you. Love is completely
opening yourself up to someone, showing off all your weird, all your mess,
all your dirty laundry. They might not agree with you on everything, but they
still think you are the most amazing thing ever happen to this crappy planet.
You make the world less crappy for them, and they make it less crappy for
you. They make your weird not seem so weird. They make your mess seem
less messy. So, what is love? Love is complex. Love is work. Love is dirty.
But love is also beautiful. Incredible. Good. Love is something that everyone
strives for, not matter how much it may hurt to finally get there. God! love
hurts, but it hurts so damn good. Thats what Arohi is. A stunning girl who
stole my heart. Give it back to me, Arohi...or else Im gonna kill you. But, I
promise Ill come with you to Gods world.
Last page from Siddharths dairy...
Shes going to get married to an asshole. I know she doesnt like this marriage.
May be her parents forced her to marry him. Arohi...dont worry. Ill take
you with me. I want you. The way you smile, the way you talk, the way you
kiss...it amazed me. I want to see it. Feel it. I want to hold you in my arms.
Forever, Arohi. Im coming to you. If you do not come with me, Im taking
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Pooja Gunasekharan
you to a very beautiful place which you havent seen ever in your life. Its
heaven. Its beautiful. We can go there together... There I will marry you...hold
you in my arms forever. Love you, Arohi...Love you forever.

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Epilogue
Yadav...? I called him softly. He did not respond. There were photos of
Arohi in front of him. His mind was not there. He had dissolved into a magical
world with Arohi in his arms. After a minute, he said something...
Pooja.... it was great while it lasted, great to be loved, the warmth of her
cheek next to mine. When she left me alone, I feel isolated and alone, on my
own in the world where no one to care for me, no one to laugh with. Ever
has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation...
She was all about simplicity, making things easy, helping those around her to
relax and be happy with what they have. Perhaps that is why her skin glowed
so, it was her inner beauty that lit her eyes and softened her features. When
she smiled and laughed I couldnt help but smile along too. It kills, when the
person who gave you the best memory becomes a memory.
I still love her. Still I can smell her perfume, feel her soft warmth, and hear
her laughter. The only thing I can do for her now...is to write her story. I want
the world to know her emotions, her thoughts, her simplicity, and the beautiful
human being in her. Its a tribute to my girlfriend. This novel. Its her life. Her
story.
Yadav thought about her...her words.
Pooja, I remember Arohis words. She used to say :
I like to be a writer too. Every day I write. When people ask me what I
want to be when I grow up, I dont say a writer. Because, now, Im a writer
and always will be.
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Epilogue
Yadav recalled what Arohi used to say about memories.
The best things in life are the people you love, the places you have met and
the memories you have made along the way. Sometimes you will never know
the true value of a moment until it becomes a memory....Memories...they
can make you smile. They can make you cry. They can make you lonely.
They can kill you. They can make your life beautiful. They can teach you.
They can double your happiness and reduce your sadness. They can make
you think.
Arohi loved to write, because she had memories. Memories...Its a way of
holding on to the things you love, the things you have, and the things you
never want to lose. Yadav continued to speak as in a trance.
Yadav held on to his memories. Softly he said: Pooja, I feel Arohis life tells
you to hold on to memories. People may change, but memories dont. With
a deep sigh, I retreated quietly, leaving Yadav with his memories, to hold on
to them.....

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