Oberon/Lysander: Dana

Puck/Helena: Lily
Hermia/Demetrius: Jackelyn
SCENE 1: Fight Scene
Lysander: Helena! I love you!! Stop being such a jerk, and stop running away from me!
Helena: No! How about you stop being such a jerk and stop following me?
Lysander: Me? How am I being the jerk here?
Helena: Ugh. You are so incompetent. URGH!
(Hermia enters, followed by Demetrius)
Demetrius: Oh my! Helena! I looooooove you!!!!!! If I saw you on Tinder, I would swipe right a
million times!
Helena: Not you too!! (groans)
Hermia: Oh my gosh!!!!! Is that you, Lysander?!?!?!?!?!? YAY!!! Youre not dead!!! I LOVE YOU
SO SO SO SO MUCH!! (happily sobs)
Lysander: Oh, yeah? Well, too bad for you, cause I HATE you!!!!! Helena, will you marry me?
(proposes)
Helena: Ugh. (Smacks ring away) I shall marry thee when thy pigs fly! Can you all just stop
being such jerks to me? I get it! Ive learned my lesson, whatever it was.
Lysander and Demetrius: Then I shall take a pig up to a zip line, and glue on wings!!!! Wilt
thou marry me then, my love?
Lysander: Thy fair maiden shall choose to marry me, myself and I. AND NO OTHER FELLOW.
Demetrius: She shall most certainly not!!!
Helena: Umm...... let me think.... I shall take neither of thy hands in marriage..... EVER!!
Hermia: What about me? Lysander, (bats eyelashes) Ill take your hand in marriage!
(The three look at each other)
Helena:
Demetrius:
Lysander:
Hermia: What?
Demetrius: Anyway, she loved me first!!! I get first dibs! I called it!
Lysander: Maybe so, but I loved her first!! And more. I loved her soo much that I would never
break a Snap Streak with her.

Helena: I dont care who loved me first or more, or who would keep a streak with me on social
media...cause guess what, guys? I HATE YOU BOTH NOW!! Oh, and btw, I dont have social
media.
ALL: ...
Hermia: Im still waiting for you, Lysander!
Demetrius: Lysander!! Let us fight over our beautiful who shall choose, of course, moi!!!
Lysander: She shall most certainly marry my beautiful self!! I am not as vain as thee.
(Both run off)
Helena: (yells after them) DID NEITHER OF YOU JUST HEAR WHAT I SAID?! (Turns to
Hermia) Ugh. Men. Am I right?
Hermia: YES. MEN. MEN WHO SHOULD HAVE LOVED ME, BUT RAN OFF WITH YOU. GIVE
THEM BACK!!!!!!! I WANT THEM! HE SHOULD BE MINE AND DEMETRIUS SHOULD FIND
SOMEONE BETTER THAN YOU, HELENA!! THEY SHOULD BE ARGUING OVER ME!! YOU
STOLE THEM!!! GIVE LYSANDER BACK TO ME!!! I HATE YOU!! I WANT TO MARRY HIM!!!
STOP STEALING HIM!! HOW DID YOU DO IT? SHOW ME HOW TO GET HIM BACK!! I HATE
YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!!
Helena: (blinks a lot) ok, bye!! (exits)
Hermia: Waiiiiiiiit!!!!!!! (exits)
SCENE 2: Puck Leads Hermia
Hermia: Helena? Darling? Where hast thou goeth to? I apologize for my horrendously
monstrous behavior previously!
Puck: Hermia? Is that you?
Hermia: Oh, thank goodness its you!! I have been lost since you left me! These forests are
dreadfully terrifying.
Puck: Oh, never fear, my dear! I know the way back. Follow my voice!
Hermia: Just tell me the way back!! I would never follow you! You betrayed me, traitor! You took
my Lysander and Demetrius from me!
Puck: No! Then I shall go back myself!
Hermia: Oh no! Please do not leave me! I shall follow thee!
Puck: Oh my god. Just follow me then, and shut up!
(Walks around)
Puck: Oh dear, I think were lost,
Hermia: My god! Just use Google Maps and get us an Uber or something.

Puck: Theres no service, idiot. Thou shalt have to follow me.

Puck: Lets just take a quick nap.
Hermia: Umh. Sure? Ill just rest here and...you know what? You can figure things out..(Falls to
ground) Ugh. (Hermia falls asleep snores)
SCENE 3: Puck Leads Helena
Helena: Hermia!
Puck: Helena? Ugh. Get away from me, witch!
Helena: Why is it that everybody hates me soo much?!!
Puck: Gee, I wonder why? Maybe...oh, I dont know... cause you stole the men I love?
Helena: All I ever wanted was Demetrius to love me! You can have Lysander back for all I care!
Puck: Well, for now, we should focus on getting out of this forest.
Helena: All this mud is ruining my new Kate Spade pumps!
Puck: Those are cute, I would hate to see them all dirty.
Helena: Darling, Im exhausted!
Puck: Why dont you just lay down then. Get some shut eye. And well resume our journey out
of this place by morning light.
Helena: Yep! (falls to the ground, asleep, snores)
SCENE 4: Puck Leads Lysander
Lysander: Demetrius, you coward!! Where art thou? Show thyself!
Puck: Come, hurry up, you slowpoke!! Youre slower than a tortoise!
Lysander: Well, slow and steady wins the race!
Puck: Ugh. You must think youre sooooo clever.
Lysander: Well of course. Out of the two of us, I do indeed believe I am the more intelligent
male.
Puck: Lets decide that in a fight! Follow me, theres a clearing up ahead!
Lysander: Let us go! Thou shalt die by my hand! Im very ripped, fyi.
(Arrive at clearing)
Lysander: Im very tired, I didnt get my usual Frappuccino order at Starbucks. Its a Double
Chocolatey Chip. Let us finish this business in the morning, coward!
Scene 5: Puck leads Demetrius
Demetrius: Lysander! Are you too afraid to face me like a man?

Puck: I am right here!

(Demetrius runs after, but Puck has run ahead)
Demetrius: Where art thou? It seems to me youre just trying to avoid a little brawl. Afraid of
poor Demetrius beating you up, eh?
Puck: Hey, right here, ya know?! Im just trying to get in some more steps for my Fitbit
challenge. I mean, its getting pretty depressing, my mom has more steps than I do. Not that Im
not fit or anything, Im, like, really muscular...probably more than yoDemetrius: Yeah that is sad. Well, if you keep running ahead of me, itll take me hours to reach
you.
Puck: Im definitely not waiting for you. Lets just both stop, and deal with this tomorrow. The
Presidential debate is all over Youtube, and Im dying to see Trump inexplicably fail on national
television.
Demetrius: Youre for Hillary? Youre such an idiot! The election is rigged! Im voting for the man
that will bring us the greatest thing this country has ever seen on November 28th, The Wall!!
But, it seems like Ill have to take care of you first.
(Fall asleep, snores)
SCENE 6: Oberon Fixes People
Oberon: Oh my, Puck. What hast thou done to these poor creatures of love?
Puck: .....
Oberon: Oh well, let us fix this poor, handsome, intelligent, young man here first- Its Lysander I
believe?- and then, we shall fix that poor, ugly, old creature over there- Demetrius?- Ah well.
Puck:......
(Oberon goes over to Lysander, puts petals on his eyes and Mary Had A Little Lamb)
Puck: You done there boss?
Oberon: Yes, I am. Thanks to you I missed The Walking Dead Season 7 premiere!
(Walk over to Demetrius)
Oberon: Lets get this done with. (Fixes Demetrius, and wipes his hands on Puck) Eugh. Nasty.
(all walk away)
CURTAIN