FEBRUARY 4.

20

Mon e y
T h e r e al
r au Si n g
Sca n Dal

Glamour

The very
best spring
fashion

s c h oo l s
The Tatler
guide to the
smartest
state schools

Se x

The most highly

prized prostitutes
in the world.
And the man
who trains them

De aT h

What will it cost?

love
story
Falling for Gabriella Wilde

How stiff is yours? In pr aIse of the BrItIsh upper lIp

T&CO. 2014 0800 160 1837

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TIFFANY.COM

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B OTTEGAVE N ETA.C O M

E s t a b l i s h e d 1 70 9 Vo l . 3 0 9 N o . 2
t a t l e r. c o m

70
Pag e

gabriella wilde wears cotton coat, 840, by paule ka. suede shoes, 650, by jimmy choo. top (just seen) & jewellery, her own. photograph: alan davidson

call of the
(gabriella)
wilde

78
Pag e

t h e f a i ry ta l e
b e f o r e t h e fa l l :
r a u s i n g h e l l

contents
on the CoVeR
62 Chin up, bRitain!

The stiffer the better when

it comes to the upper lip,
that is. Brian Sewell laments
the loss of the staunch
spirit that won us the war

70 boRn to be wilde
Gabriella Wilde the
Great British blonde who
conquered Hollywood.
By Gavanndra Hodge

78 R ausing hell

Their story should have been

a fairytale, but the Tetra Pak
heirs have been blighted
by tragedy and controversy.
By Keith Dovkants
CONTINUED on page 25

84 the woRlds
top pRostitutes
Despite their luxurious lives
and breathtaking beauty, the
lot of the A-list working girl is
not to be envied. Charlotte
Edwardes investigates
92 phew! its the

tatleR state
sChools guide
More bang for no bucks:
the smarter side of the
fee-free system. Alice Rose
rounds up the best nonpublic schools in the land

98 hoRsing
aRound
The seasons dandiest
collections. As shown off

by top clothes horses. Real

ones. They wont get out
of bed for less than 10 grand,
you know (in carrots,
of course). By Deep Kailey

110 gR aVe matteRs

Todays British Way of

Death: the increasing
demand for pared-down
funerals, by Stephen Robinson;
Emma Freud on how to make
a horrible day surprisingly
joyful; and the most soughtafter burial spots (frankly,
we wouldnt be seen dead
anywhere else...)

cover: gabriella wilde

p h o t o g R a p h e d by m a R C i n t ysz k a
s t y l e d by d e e p k a i l e y
gabriella wears mohair cardigan, 1,080, by
michael kors. gold earrings (front of lobe), 1,210, by
cartier. necklace, bracelet and other earrings, her own.
For stockists, see address book. hair by panos at
clm hair & make-up, using kiehls stylist series:
magic elixir and crme with silk groom. make-up
by andrew gallimore at clm hair & make-up, using
dior trianon spring collection and capture totale
dreamskin: diorskin airflash spray Foundation in 002,
diorshow blackout waterproof in 099, dior sourcils
poudre eyebrow pencil in sand, dior blush in beige
nude, rouge dior nude lipstick in grge

TaT l er f eb ruary 2014

21

LONDON SLOANE STREET HARRODS SELFRIDGES FENDI.COM

E s t a b l i s h e d 1 70 9 Vo l . 3 0 9 N o . 2
t a t l e r. c o m

feature
88 fancy pants

Ever seen Marie Antoinette

minding the gap? Slip into
the supremely dotty world
of the doyennes of dress-up.
By Tibbs Jenkins

fashion
39 heres

98

66 art for sale

Prancing through the
snow with the delectable
Mr Collectible himself,
Josh Spero

Page

68

restaur ants
Berners Tavern. No relation
to Berni Inn, obviously.
By Jeremy Wayne

top of the crops:

horsing around

home

looking at...
News just in shes a Belieber
(and a Brecht nut): Stylebop
fashion director Leila
Yavaris irresistible rise.
By Luciana Bellini

117 & 119 Death of

the Dining room; &

kitchen caBinets
Official: the dear old DRs a
goner. Plus, if you cant stand
the (political) heat, get out
of the Camerons kitchen
Deborah Feldman sups with
the big beasts of Westminster

40 Dont you wish

youD worn that?
Get shirty and skirty
with Annabel Rivkin and
Sophie Goodwin

Beauty

42 & 44

121 time to...

trenD alerts
Eighties and eau de Nil.
By Annabel Rivkin
and Sophie Goodwin

spruce him up
Gearing up for our mens
grooming special, Tom Ford
gives blokes bathroom
cabinets a good old makeover.
By Francesca White

46 where?

92

photographs: rebekka ehlers. illustration: bob cosford

The Oscars party thrown by

Vanity Fair, thats where. And
heres what to wear there. Yeah!

Pag e

t h e tat l e r s tat e
school guide

tatler aBout
town

53 the storyteller

Michael Bond and his

incredible marmalademunching bear Paddington.
By Sophia Money-Coutts

57 what a

performance!
Shhh! Its Bulgaris secret ball

61 notes to self; &

the games mistress

Tiddly-om-pom-pom with
CONTINUED on page 29

Annabel Rivkin and Sophie

Goodwin; and rock chick
Emma Kennedys full-on
fossil fixation

63 quentin lettss
sketchBook
Shadow minister Rachel
Boring Snoring Reeves.
No, dont go!
64 Books

Oh my unrequited love /

I fancy you so much / I feel

like a rabbit / Trapped in
a hutch. Sexy poetry
(sadly nowhere near as
powerful and moving
as this masterpiece) with
Sebastian Shakespeare

65 gaDgets

The souped-up suitcases

taking the lug out of
luggage FOR EVER.
By Emma Freud
TaT l er f eb ruary 2014

25

E s t a b l i s h e d 1 70 9 Vo l . 3 0 9 N o . 2
t a t l e r. c o m

122 smooth
operator
Owwwwwwwwww! Brave
Alexi Duggins bares all

snakes. Plus, legging it to spas

with cool walking cures

travel

124 the grooming

rules
Gentlemen: are you a
horror show on wheels?
Annabel Rivkin wields the
scythe (and the wax and
the nose-tuft trimmer
and the beard shampoo...)

133 banzai!
Say sayonara to the same
old slopes and get some
mindblowing Japanese
snow time. Godzilla-sized
thrills a-go-go go go!
By Felix Milns

126 treatments

& looking good!

The most way-out skiing
in the world, by Georgina
Blackwell; and oh well,
as long as it keeps you warm
a century of dodgy skiwear
with Luciana Bellini

138 keep it surreal;

We can rebuild him: the

treatiest treats for the whole
man, from top to toe

128 my close-up; &

purist vs tourist
Matthew McConaughey
on sunscreen, scent and

121

140 where to go

Page

All-American sleepovers

everything
else

good clean
fun: spruce
him up

48 it list

ONLINE
THIS MONTH
riders

watch our online

tutorial on how to get the
perfect seat (it comes from the
pelvis, like so many good things)
you, marie antoinette,
check out our gallery of
fancy types in fancy dress. its
click heaven

PHOTOGRAPH: eyevine, AlAmy

hey

145

ing good
a nutcracking
aving
time without leaving
your sofa its our
es
behind-the-scenes
video of the save
the children
winter gala, right

have

Pag e

s n a p h a p p y:
by s ta n d e r

A very gorgeous list.

Called It. By Karen Deeks

142 zodiac

Shelley von Strunckel tunes into

the music of the spheres. Coo!

145 bystander

Because the night belongs to

lovers. Party lovers

167 address book

The artist formerly known

as Stockists

and finally...

168 whats it

like to be...
Andrew Neils golden
retriever (and Daft
Punk fan), Miss Molly?
By Deborah Feldman

wa N t u s ? N E E d u s ? s u b s c r i b e t o ta t l e r a n d w e l l g i v e y o u a p r e s e n t . . . t u r n t o p a g e 6 0

Tat l er P r i v i l ege Clu b

live the
high life
Do you want discounts on your
favourite brands, invitations to fabulous
Tatler events and parties (we hold them
every month) and super fashion,
theatre, travel and beauty offers pinged
directly to your inbox?
Of course you do youre only human.
We only ask the very best people to join.

Contributors

The STampede STunT Company

sign up for the

tat l e r p r i v i l e g e C l u b
t o d ay at
privilegeClub.tatler.Co.uk

We love horses at Tatler. All kinds of horses. But especially horses

who do tricks. so we had the best time eveR working with Oscar,
jupiter, castizo and Luminoso, the stampede stunt companys prize
ponies, on our Horsing Around fashion shoot (page 98). They
danced and pranced and played dead. They almost got upstaged by
dakota, the dashing sled dog with his own agent. But then Luminoso
sang the um Bongo song, and everyone forgot about the dog. ]

PHOTOGRAPHs: eve jOnes, sTAmPede sTunT cOmPAny

W h a t s o n t h e i r m i n d s t h i s m o n t h ?

Alexi Duggins

Time Outs editor-at-large tackles some hairy issues (page 122)

Whats your party trick? Dislocating my shoulder.

Who do you most look up to? anyone who knows how to put a
shoulder back into its socket.

What makes you cringe? the usual: nails on blackboards, babies

The Langham, London has sprung to life, revealing the

rewards of an exquisite transformation. With luxurious
accommodation in the centre of Londons West End, your
senses will be captivated as the original Grand Hotel
re-captures the heart of London.

more exciting by substituting the words ross Kemp for my mum.

If you were an animal, what would you be? naked, probably.

Contributors
W h a t s o n t h e i r m i n d s t h i s m o n t h ?

bob cosfoRD

Bob gives his Grange Hill

comic strip the Tatler treatment
(page 92)

Whats your party

trick? Swallowing my glasses.
What makes you cringe?
Karaoke.

Who do you most look up

to? russell Brand for keeping a
mouse in his barnet for a month.
Discover The Langham, London: langhamlondon.com

What is your greatest

achievement? the flying sausage

1c Portland Place, Regent Street, London, W1B 1JA T 44 (0) 20 7965 0191

from Grange Hill, obviously!

Alice Rose
Alice on the best state schools
in the land (page 92)

What is your idea of perfect

happiness? rain on a Welsh roof
and a snoring dachshund.

Which talent would you most

like to have? that
Rentaghost teleporting thing.

If you were an animal, what

would you be? the dormouse at
the Mad hatters tea party.

When do you lie and how will

we know? never. and you wont.

photograph: greg funnell

Make your
GrandEntrance,
inOurs.

screaming and the music of Mumford & Sons.

When do you lie and how will we know? I try to make my life sound

Editor KATE REARDON

Editors assistant and events manager jennifer george

Deputy editor gavanndra hodge Managing editor beatriz choi

Associate editor gerri gaLLagher Editor-at-large annabeL rivkin Senior editor david jenkins

art
Art director cLare fergUson Deputy art director Lee Pears Picture editor hannah brenchLey Deputy picture editor eve jones

featUres
Features editor soPhia money-coUtts Travel editor francisca keLLett Restaurant critic jeremy Wayne Books critic sebastian shakesPeare
Art critic josh sPero Gadgets critic emma freUd Fun editor emma kennedy Features assistant LUciana beLLini

coPy
Copy chief ian ramsey Production editor maria hodson Senior sub-editor john haney

fashion
Fashion director deeP kaiLey Fashion editor-at-large anna bromiLoW Style editor soPhie goodWin Watches and jewellery editor aLice hoLLand
Executive retail editor marieLLa tandy Acting retail editor karen deeks Bookings editor tomasina LebUs
Senior fashion assistant aiLsa miLLer Fashion assistants emma simmonds, LUcinda tUrner

beaUty
Beauty editor francesca White Beauty assistant katie thomas

bystander
Social editor tibbs jenkins Photographer hUgo bUrnand

tatLer.com
Senior editor Lisa WiLLiams Junior editor annabeLLe sPrankLen

sUPPLements
Art director tardeo ajodha Assistant editor georgina bLackWeLL Editorial co-ordinator PhiLiPPa dUreLL

contribUting editors
Chief contributing editors anna scott carter, nicoLa formby Explorer ciara Parkes

rUven afanador, debonnaire von bismarck, mark boLLand, aLice cockereLL, cressida connoLLy, giLes coren,
fran cUtLer, keith dovkants, charLotte edWardes, ben eLLiot, deborah feLdman, astrid harbord,
nicky hasLam, dafydd jones, mary kiLLen, sheLLey von strUnckeL, PhiLiP treacy, cLaUdia WinkLeman, tom WoLfe, toby yoUng
Editorial business and rights executive kate foreman Syndication enquiries syndication@condenast.co.uk
Director of editorial administration and rights harriet WiLson International permissions manager eLeanor sharman

Publishing dirEctor PATRICIA

STEVENSON

PA to publishing director jessica hisLoP

Associate publisher cLare schifano Projects director emma samUeL Account director emma heUser Advertisement manager sarah fysh
Fashion account director isobeL m c mahon Account manager katherine Pitcher Sales and promotions assistant soPhie WiLson Sales assistant rosaLyn WikeLey
Promotions and sponsorship director renee cLark Acting promotions and sponsorship director bandi manzini Creative director, promotions gavin shaW
Art director, promotions samantha broWnstein Copywriter, promotions hattie West Regional sales director karen aLLgood
Regional advertisement manager heather mitcheLL Senior sales executive beth hardie Senior sales executive krystina garnett
New York shannon toLar tchkotoUa (tel: 001 212 630 4913) US account manager keryn hoWarth Milan vaLentina donini (tel: 00 39 02 805 1422)
Paris heLena kaWaLec (tel: 00 33 1 44 11 78 83) Hong Kong mattheW farrar (tel: 00 852 2581 2991)

cLassified
Classified director sheLagh crofts Associate classified sales manager vanessa mULLinder Senior classified sales executives octavia thomPson, eLizabeth isaac

ProPerty
Group property director fiona forsyth

research
Marketing director jean faULkner Associate research director gary read Associate Director, Digital Marketing sUsie broWn Media research manager eLizabeth Lamb
Marketing executive katie boWden Senior data manager tim Westcott

circULation
Circulation director richard kingerLee Newstrade circulation manager eLLiott sPaULding Newstrade promotions executive anna hickes
Subscriptions director Patrick foiLLeret Subscriptions promotions manager cLaUdia Long Subscriptions manager eLeni rUffeLs
Direct marketing manager Lynden breatnach Creative design manager anthea denning

ProdUction
Production director sarah jenson Production manager joanne Packham Commercial production manager xenia antoni Production controller marie rhys-evans
Production coordinator saPPho barkLa Commercial senior production controller LoUise LaWson Commerical and paper production controller martin macmiLLan
Finance director Pam raynor Financial control director Penny scott-bayfieLd HR director hazeL m c intyre
Digital director jamie joUning Cond Nast International director of communications nicky eaton Senior publicity manager harriet robertson
directors
Jonathan Newhouse, Nicholas Coleridge, Stephen Quinn, Annie Holcroft, Pam Raynor, Simon Kippin, Jamie Bill, Jean Faulkner, Shelagh Crofts, Albert Read, Patricia Stevenson

Deputy managing director aLbert read

Managing dirEctor

NICHOLAS COLERIDGE

chairMan, cond nast intErnational

JONATHAN NEwHOuSE

Published by tatler Publishing company Ltd (a subsidiary of the cond nast Publications Ltd)
tatLer and bystander and the georgian figure with spyglass are registered trademarks belonging to tatler Publishing company Limited, vogue house, hanover square,
London W1s 1jU. tel: 020 7499 9080; fax: 020 7493 1962. Printed in the Uk

LeiLa Yavari wears Leather, ostrich-feather & tuLLe dress, Poa, bY GiLes. white-GoLd & PearL earrinGs, 550, bY annoushka. GoLd, diamond & cuLtured-PearL neckLace, 49,500,
bY Yoko. make-uP bY roxY habibi, usinG armani. hair bY eLLiot bssiLa at terri manduca, for erroL douGLas. stYLed bY soPhie Goodwin. fashion assistant, Lucinda turner

Edited by SOPHIE GOODwIN

heres looking aT

leila yavari
I was that model who always had
something to say, explains Leila Yavari,
fashion director of Stylebop.com and
an unusually lofty intellectual. For
live a double life: by day,
years, she lived
ud for
fo her PhD in Brechtian
she studied
C Berkeley and taught a
theatree at UC
ti science; by night
course in political
er
sh
(not literally)
she was a model.
k
says Leila, 35.
No onee knew,
h Id lose
os credibility. But then
I thought
e
f
Id get an email
from
a student saying,
yo give me a B in
Hey, whyy did you
b the way, I saw you
that paper?? And by
l
rie ad. Once the
in a Macyss lingerie
p, Leila
Leil quit academia and
game was up,
devoted herself full-time to fashion.
And then, three years ago, at the
Berlin International Film Festival,
she met Thorsten and Mario Eimuth,
the brothers who founded Stylebop,
and now she is the sites style guru.
Shes based in Munich but spends
250 days a year on the road, attending
fashion shows and buying collections
from Dubai to Australia. And
youll be relieved to hear time off
isnt just for obscure German
cinema; she slums it with
lowbrow stuff too. Crappy
B-movies are her kryptonite
and she cant get enough of
Justin Bieber: To me, hes
as fascinating as Mozart.
Luciana Bellini

photographed by FELICITY McCABE

photographs: rex, getty

caroline issa in tods

alexa chung in house of holland

edie campbell in vintage

olivia palermo in chloe

martha ward in old navy & michael van der ham

Fa sh ion

Dont you wish

youD worn that?

viviana volpicella in stella jean

diane kruger in carven & vanessa bruno

When you were an actual schoolgirl, you were probably a bit

rubbish at clothes. Square or slutty, uptight or slovenly. Try hard
or must try harder. But this spring, schoolgirl is a good look.
So imagine youre still a schoolgirl but you have cash. You have
cachet. You have fashion fails peppering your experimental past
and enough designer notches on your bedpost to buy for look,
not label. Youre a schoolgirl with polish, making skirts n shirts
your own. Provided its not matronly, this is a look even men
understand. Its Miss Moneypenny schoolgirl, so they expect you
to let your hair down or undo another button. Men are silly.
Buff up the lan with a Seventies gloss like the inimitable Olivia
Palermo or edge it up like Diane Kruger with some red-leather
action and a minxy midriff. Laura Baileys butter wouldnt melt
and Viviana Volpicella goes Sloane Mum via Milan with a dash
of Masai. And little Miss Campbell looks like a real schoolgirl
sulky, peachy, lanky and wholly relevant. Listen, as long as theres
a skirt and a shirt in the equation, you should be bang on. AR

laura bailey in trager delaney & ysl

shirt & skirt

P h o t o : John Swannell

london, Sw1, 020 3539 8738, nevena.co.uk

beSPoke. by aPPointment only

Fa sh ion

PIN-UP

Like a virgin... ish...

from a distance...
in the dark

snakeskin shoes,
715, by alejandro
ingelmo, at the
corner

Lam dress,
2,450,
by Lanvin
boucl dress,
490, by moSchino
cheaP & chic

raffia
skirt,
750, by
VerSace

bomber jacket,
471, by Paul Smith
Black laBel

chiffon & lace

Have the chutzpah to look a little unhinged in prints
top, 395, by
proud of their ugliness; evening dresses closely related to Just CavaLLi,
at Harrods
Jane Fondas aerobics outfits; magnified dogtooth power
nonsense; totally rad plaid; spangly sequins; rad rucksacks;
and shiny, slutty little Madonna separates. Chic? Nah. But
thats hardly the point. This is fuck-you party stuff. Team it
with a Lambrini and an unbelievably reinvigorated scrunchie.
Wear scrunchies on your wrists. Chuck one on as a garter.
Pile em high. If you dont have fun in this clobber, you
might as well give up. Just go easy on the frosted lipstick.
If only because it makes your gnashers look yellow. AR

42 T a T l e r f e b r u a r y 2 0 1 4

Crepe dress,
644, by Preen

snakeskin
CLutCh, 1,095,
by Jimmy CHoo

oscar de la renta s/s 2014

Eighties

still-lifes: psc. photograph: getty images

miu miu s/s 2014

balmain s/s 2014

CaLfskin
bag, 725, by
mosCHino

saint laurent by hedi slimane s/s 2014

metal, resin & fabric bangle,

1,080, by chanel

sequin & tulle

dress, 4,360,
by emilio Pucci

BUT TERFLY BLOOM W EDGWOOD.COM

Fa sh ion
cotton-mix
top, 485,
by emilia
wickstead

suede shoes,
485, by
roger vivier

cotton-mix
trousers,
550, by
emilia
wickstead
silk dress,
375,
by kate
spade

Nubuck
coat,
3,995, by
BurBErry

cotton
dress,
1,950, by
temperley
london

PIN-UP

Could my tail
be any prettier?
stoneresin
earrings,
130, by
oscar de
la renta

44 T a T l e r f e b r u a r y 2 0 1 4

still-lifes: psc. photograph: erik madigan heck/trunk archive

Did you know that eau de Nil means water of the Nile?
Thought not. And surely the actual water of the Nile is sludgycoloured, laced with bullets and dysentery. Which is another
reason why eau de Nil inspires... confusion. No one really knows
what it is. My dress was eau de Nil, you say. And I dont ask
you to flesh that out. For fear of looking mal leve. Springs eau
de Nil is pale minted-green edging towards blue; faintly frothy
in feel. But not bright. Never bright... Ladylike but ethereal.
Not quite the Little Mermaid. More the Little Jackie O. Cut is
tailored and crisp, slightly American in flavour uptight, even.
Bags are retro. But no need to be prissy these days flash a thigh,
bare a tum, eau de Nil yourself right to the top of the pile. AR

silk dress,
660, by
victoria,
victoria
Beckham,
at styleBop

prabal gurung s/s 2014

Eau de Nil

leather bag,
1,980, by
Ermanno
ScErvino

miu miu s/s 2014

vionnet s/s 2014

burberry s/s 2014

tweed top, 1,575;

tweed skirt, 1,995,
both by calvin
klein collection

TATLER pRomoTion

on the inside

Constantly graced by Hollywood A-listers and screen sirens,

BAFTA 195 Piccadilly is as glamorous as it sounds. And now you can see for yourself
Despite its prime location in the heart of
Mayfair, youd be forgiven for walking
straight past the entrance to BAFTA 195
Piccadilly without batting an eyelid. But many
a fabulous floor-length gown has swished
through its unassuming doors over the last
65 years and, behind the discreet faade,
450 square metres worth of iconic venue
regularly plays host to the worlds most
dazzling screenstars. This is Londons
answer to
the Hollywood
Walk of Fame.
Though if youre
not Hollywood
royalty, or coming
in for one of the venues many educational
events, fear not its available for private
hire too. Whether you fancy a privatescreening with friends on an intimate or
super-sized scale (the Princess Anne Theatre
has no less than 227 ber-comfortable seats),
the team can get its hands on virtually any
film under the sun in some cases even prereleases. Plus, these theatres offer some of the
most exhilarating 3-D viewing in the capital.

While BAFTA 195 Piccadilly reigns supreme

when it comes to the screen, this world-class
venue has many more strings to its bow. Here,
private dinner parties, Bar Mitzvahs and
weddings are all thrown in the utmost style,
and each room has a chameleon-like ability to
pander to even the most unusual themes.
(Last year, Tatler teamed up with BAFTA 195
Piccadilly to toast the opening of The Great
Gatsby in true Roaring Twenties style.)
Best of all,
Head Chef
Anton
Manganaro,
who helps
create the
canaps and menus for 2,000 guests
at the annual Film Awards, never fails
to rustle up cuisine fit for a king.
Whether or not its awards
season, BAFTA 195 Piccadilly
puts on quite a show.

The team can get its hands on

almost any film for private
screenings, including pre-releases

To make a booking visit

bafta.org/venue-hire, call 020 7292 5860
or email tatler@195piccadilly.co.uk

Fa sh ion

WHERE?

vanity faiRs
oscaR paRty

Hey! George, Brad! Look at me Im wearing

really nice accessories! By Sophie Goodwin

White-gold &
diamond earrings,
46,000, by Arne.
leather clutch, 970,
by roger ViVier.
leather & sWarovskicrystal shoes, 2,550,
by Fendi. scarf,
1,660, by AMArAs

Photographed by XAVIER YOUNG

TATLER pRomoTion

TAMTAM DINNER
If youre yet to meet The One, then book
yourself a place at this seriously secret
supper club in Chelsea. The brainchild
of international model and Cordon-Bleutrained chef Isobel Hyde, this matchmaking bash is not to be missed as
intimate tables of 10 are carefully put
together by the hostess. Expect a butler,
buckets of champagne and the mother of all dressing-up boxes.
To book into a supper club, call Isobel on 020 7351
2617 or email isobel@tamtamdinner.com. Tickets are
300 for men, 75 for women. Dinner parties take place
in a secret Chelsea location, revealed upon booking.
tamtamdinner.com

Playing Cupid
Roses are red, violets are blue, and this February, weve found the perfect love tokens for you

GALTON FLOWERS
Say it with a blooming marvellous bouquet this Valentines Day, with
a little help from our friends at Galton Flowers, established in 1948.
Their classic and understated arrangements have been loved by royalty
and celebrities for over 60 years and, in 1997, Galton Flowers fung
open the doors of its very own Flower Academy. Join experienced and

passionate teachers to enjoy a wide range of courses from half-day

lessons to eight-week diplomas.
To order bouquets or to book a lesson at the Academy,
call Galton Flowers in Hampstead, London on 020 7435 3661
or visit galtonfowers.com

spring
forth

Some people look for

the first shoots of spring
to get them through
winter, but we look to
Escada. So as you adjust
the 12 layers youre
wearing, cast your eyes
over this silk dress,
990, and feel that
optimism stirring
within. A perfectly
tailored pastel print
its mega-flattering and,
if you buy it, you can
wear it straight away.
Exactly! escada.com

on the scent
If you want people to bury their
face in your neck, you
need Beloved, 270, the new
limited-edition scent by
Amouage jasmine, amber,
sandalwood and vanilla. Youll
be the most delicious person
youve ever met. amouage.com

jeepers peepers

Look, your eyes are ALL RIGHT, but theyre not

amazing. Yet. You need to turn that around and
Clarins has the answer with this limited-edition
Opalescence Eye Quartet Mineral Palette, 31.
Dust these shades on and your eyes will become
very powerful you can go around controlling
people and getting whatever you want. clarins.com

pyjaMa
faMe

pearly
queen

Look at you, pretty

dangly chandelier
earrings, 404, by
Carat. Your pearls are all
glamorous and grey and
youre all swingy and
sparkly. We were
thinking of keeping
you for special
occasions, but to leave
you in a box, sad and
lonely, when we could
be wearing you every
day with a chic jumper
and jeans... well, its just
not right. carat.co

Some people think

sleep was invented
to help us survive
as humans. Wrong.
It was invented so
we could wear
silk pyjamas by
Intimissimi,
49.99, and slide
around in our beds
every time we wear
them, shouting,
Have you got any
idea how great I
feel right now?!
intimissimi.co.uk

living
colour

Well, this is a neat idea, Jeremy

Scott. A design inspired by the
colour-bar test card you used to
get on TV but on a cottoncanvas Longchamp bag, 200.
Its a special edition, so dont
hang about. longchamp.com

jacket
required

This Daks cotton jacket,

600, does exactly what
it says on the tin.
And thats to look jolly
smart and go with
everything. No messing
about. daks.com

oh wise one

carry in haste

Its quite possible to lose ones mind over

Louis Vuitton. Especially if they keep
producing life-changing bags like this new
leather Montaigne BB in purple, 1,600,
which also comes in other colours. ADORE.
louisvuitton.co.uk

480T a T l e r f e b r u a r y 2 0 1 4

Owls are the symbol of erudition

and wisdom, so not only will
this white-gold, diamond and
yellow-enamel pendant,
4,750, by Theo Fennell look
beyond sensational on you, itll
also make you look cleverer.
And you dont even need to
feed it mice. theofennell.com

hot stuff

Turn off the heating

immediately. Open all
the windows. Make it as
cold as possible, because
were not taking off this
Donna Ida cashmere
bobble hat, 75, ever again.
donnaida.com

here, kitty kitty

Yes, big cats up a tree in the wild are all well and
good but we prefer our panthers made of
18ct white gold and diamonds, with emerald eyes
and an onyx nose, reclining on a toile de moire
cuff and made by Cartier. Pretty sexy. POA.
cartier.com

Hosting dinner
parties is fun, but,
urgh, why do these
people expect to be fed?
Take a leaf from our
book and order in
from the Hill Food
Company (thehillfood
company.com). They
deliver to your door,
plus their menu doesnt
repeat itself. No
one need know...

star power

Who, me? The lead singer of the worlds coolest

band? Just because Im wearing this megaspectacular black and white Gloriosa coat, 2,111,
by Hockley and I look like a rock star on a world
tour and everyone is obsessed with me?
hockleylondon.com

aMores in the air

The problem with Tuscany is that you go on

holiday there and then youre expected to come
home again. Salvatore Ferragamo has solved
that problem. Put the scent of Italy back in the air
with its Tuscan Soul Quintessential collection, 130
each, available at Ferragamo stores. ferragamo.com

ring-ading-ding!

Rings dont have to just be

round old things you shove
on your finger they can be
swirly and expansive and
made of 18ct gold, diamonds
and malachite, like this one,
2,600, by Eternam. At 51
Burlington Arcade, W1 (020
7495 1943).

walk this way

its in the bag

Gather round, all those who love classic

Milanese leather. Stylebop.com, the clever
old things, are now stocking Valextra.
Look at this calfskin Manzoni bag,
2,350, for example you can just
go online and order it and it will be yours
for all eternity and that means youll
be happy for all eternity. You can
stroke it and put things in it and take
them out again. Joy. stylebop.com

Hey, you the cute soft-leather Tods heels, 515,

with the fringe. We were wondering what you were
doing later? Want to go out for dinner? And then
dancing? And then, er, can we take you home and
keep you forever? Not in a creepy way? tods.com

A bou t To w n
photographed by felicity mc cabe

make-up by roxy habibi, using armani

the
storyteller
meet Paddington, left, michael bonds very own
bear. He might not look as ancient as expected,
but he doesnt get out much (Paddington, that
is, not michael, who is now a fine 87 years old).
the pair are close Paddington lives at the
authors house in maida Vale and michael
talks about him knowingly. Hes not very
cuddly, michael says gravely, and hes a bit
accident-prone. but soon Paddington will have
to confront his agoraphobia, because theres
a premiere for him to attend. the film of his
life is being released in November, with colin
firth providing the marmalade-loving bears
voice, Hugh bonneville and Sally Hawkins as
mr and mrs brown and Nicole Kidman as
an evil taxidermist. tHe Paddington?
n
Nicole reportedly asked in wonderment when
called about the role. Seems its not just
michael whos mad about the bear. SMC

Life, intensified.
The Macan is a new expression of a spirit 65 years in development, engineered to
deliver an experience like no other. A sports car that defies convention to take the
everyday out of every day. A sports car thats uniquely yours, and uniquely Porsche.

The new Porsche Macan.

Discover more at porsche.co.uk/macan

Fuel consumption in l/100 km (mpg): urban 11.86.7 (23.942.2), extra urban 7.85.7 (36.249.6), combined 9.26.1 (30.746.3), CO2 emissions:
216159 g/km. The mpg and CO2 figures quoted are sourced from official EU-regulated test results, are provided for comparability purposes
and may not reflect your actual driving experience.

a bou t tow n

MOVE 1
Rentokil
to the rescue!

MOVE 2
Nothing I cant
deal with

What a
performance!
C
PhotograPhs: dean chalkley at skinny diP. lighting & digital Production: three four snaP

Inside the secret Save the Children ball

an you think of anything more thrilling, more

promisingly wanton, than a secret party? The
mysterious bash was organised by the brilliant
Allie Esiri, who simply instructed 350 guests to
stump up for a ticket and appear in their finery for Save the
Childrens Secret Winter Gala at the Guildhall, sponsored
by Bulgari. The likes of Samantha Cameron, Mark and
Diana Carney and Fiona Scarry duly did just that, to find
a full-on Nutcracker extravaganza. The truth was unveiled.
There were prancing English National Ballet dancers,

puppeteers, curiously foaming drinks and a medieval

banqueting hall where guests including Dame Vivien
Duffield, Poppy Delevingne and Elizabeth McGovern
sat entranced as The Nutcracker finale was performed in
front of them. Later, Harry Dalmeny resplendent in
tartan trousers given to him by his mother sprang up
to conduct the auction. Bulgari diamonds, anyone?
A naughty flit to Rome in a private jet? In all, more than
800,000 was raised for the charity. Was it just a dream?
The thing is, you dont get hangovers with dreams...

MOVE 3
Youre coming
with me... if I could
move my legs

Photographed by DEAN CHALKLEY

Rats!

a bou t tow n

Henri
fitzwilliam-lay

julie ann
morrison
poppy
delevingne

amy & Holly

gilliam

dame vivien
duffield, marcus
langlands
pearse, melinda
stevens &
arabella duffield

fiona
scarry

Photographed by DAFYDD Jones

natalie
livingstone &
laura maxwell

lord dalmeny, samira

javadova & julian farrow

elizabeth
mcgovern
lana
berglas

tkktkt kt kt kt
kt tk tk tkt kt

stacey &
dom joly

diana & mark

carney, allie
esiri & melanie
sHerwood

alan parker,
samantHa
cameron & jeancHristopHe babin

A bou t Tow n

Notes to self

Pooh-pooh pomposity and pick up a pom-pom. By Sophie Goodwin and Annabel Rivkin

oure nothing without a pom-pom.

No one. Nada. For ear flutter,
Mario Testino has brought some
Peruvian a-plomb-plomb through
his jaunty collaboration with Vicki Sarge.
Its Inca via the Faubourg Saint-Honor.
Down below, Cleo B has produced clip-on
pom-poms in a dizzying spectrum of shades,
so you can transform a muted mule into a
marabou-fluffed weapon of mass seduction:
theyre pinging little propositions that
shudder in the breeze. Vulnerable. And
fat enough to slim even a solid ankle.

Theyre pinging little

propositions that
shudder in the breeze
Way up top you might wear a Piers Atkinson
pom-pom headband part Japanese
schoolgirl, part Parisian postmodernist,
they are a cheerful winter-wedding option.
Much more inspired than a stolidly sincere
ladys fedora. And Fendi bag charms
particularly ones with angry little faces on
are intensely it. Witty, they are. Ballsy and
silly but textured and touchy-feely. Play
hardball (hardpom?) and wear these all at
once. You will be the bomb-bomb. (

1) gOLD-PLATED & SwArOVSKI-CrYSTAL EArrINgS, 307, bY VICKI

SARGE foR MARIo TESTIno. 2) mArAbOU-FEATHEr HEADbAND,
500, bY PIERS ATKInSon. 3) SHOE CLIPS, 60 A PAIr, bY ClEo B.
4) SwArOVSKI-CrYSTAL bAg CHArmS, 525 EACH, bY fEndI

Know whats a smashing sport? Fossil hunting! It ROCKS. By Emma Kennedy

STILL-LIFE: JODY TODD. PHOTOgrAPH: ALAmY

ve always been a
great fan of dinosaurs,
but until some bright
spark manages to rebirth
a brontosaurus from
billion-year-old mosquito
blood, were all going to
have to make do with the
next best thing fossils.
Dont start yawning, you
at the back, because
fossil hunting is not only
educational outdoors
exercise, its also a

phenomenal stress buster. theyre as cheap as chips.

Third, start looking for
So heres how you do
gun-grey rocks peppered
it. First, find a fossil beach.
Head to the Jurassic
with white seam lines.
Coast in Dorset where
These are the Jurassic
stones that may contain
theyre practically sinking
fossils. There are loads of
into the sea with the weight
of stony relics your best
them youll be spoiled
bet is Charmouth
beach. Second,
get a hammer
you can find huts
Have
that rent them on
you tried
therapy?
the beach and

for choice. Fourth, start

smashing the shit out of
them with your hammer.
Fifth, find fossil (you hope).
Now, the one thing
you need to know is that
pretty much everyone
else around you is also
smashing stones to
smithereens, and
when a six-year-old
to your left AND
a 70-year-old to
your right happily

scream, OOH, LOOK IVE

FOUND ONE! and youve
been scouring and
hammering for two hours
and still found nothing, it is
then perfectly acceptable
to move up to the small
boulders that dot the
shoreline and lay into them
like a Victorian convict.
You still might not find
one but, by golly, its
fabulous for the bingo
wings. Pip pip.

TaT l er f eb ruary 2014

61

Buy Sewells cream

and use daily!

iti ve ty pe s)
ail ab le fo r mo re se ns
10 0 ml (la rge r jar s av

CHIN UP,
BRITAIN !

Brian Sewell on our late, lamented stiff upper lip

ows the time for a stiff upper lip,

said the man who was soon to be
my stepfather and whom I hated
with steely determination. At 10,
I had never heard the phrase before and,
obstinately disinclined to ask what it meant,
took it literally. It was an evening in the winter
of 1941 and, caught by an air raid, supperless

HOW sTIFF
Is YOURs?
Gauge where you fall
on the Snivelling
Whinger to Brave Sir
Ranulph scale by
responding with Help
me! or Im just fine to
these scenarios.

62 t a t l e r f e b r u a r y 2 0 1 4

and thirsty, we had been forced to shelter in

the Underground station at Trafalgar Square,
where the air was heavy with a foul lavatorial
stench that I took to be the reason for stiffening
the lip. From time to time I glanced at his,
supposing that his bristling moustache had
been grown for the purpose of bolstering it,
but at last at home, examining my upper lip in

1 Hectors spaniel bites

you. Damn, that thing has
a powerful nip.
2 A pheasant plummets
from the sky, crashing
bloodily upon your head.
3 Youre knocked over by
a cyclist and a cabbie offers
to take you straight to the
Chelsea and Westminster.

4 Your foot gets caught in

an illegal badger trap. Your
ankle may be broken. There
is tetanus to think about too.
5 You suspect your new
boyfriend has given you a
wart. But, then again, it could
just be an ingrown hair.
6 The electric heater sets
fire to the bed (with you in it).

7 The temperature in the

shower suddenly goes from
arctic to third-degree burns.
8 A rogue croquet ball
whacks you in the nads.
9 Your opponents serve
bursts your eyeball. Bloody
good game!
10 A bowl of scalding pea
soup is spilt in your lap.

If you answered Help me!

to any of the above, you
need to think long and hard
about your moral fibre.
Belt up! This is England,
not France. You must
never, never complain
unless some idiot
has put ice in your
single malt.

PHOTOGRAPHS: KEVIN DAVIES, REX FEATURES, ISTOCK, NI SYNDICATION, SHUTTERSTOCK

do you want to
be one of those steely
fellows with a stiff upper lip?
With heroism, gravitas and the
s
certainty that all your emotion
nt.
elle
exc
?
trol
con
er
are kept und

a mirror, it seemed to me that it was always stiff

and that it was the lower that might require
stiffening; the lower is soft and full, drops open
in surprise and trembles with emotion, but the
upper always stays more or less inanimate.
An Americanism of the early 19th century,
the stiff upper lip was a common English
idiom by the outbreak of the Great War in
1914, throughout which my stepfather had
fought, and another century on some few of
us might use it still to show that, firm and
resolute, we will betray not the slightest hint
of fear, funk or perturbation. Fortitude, one
of the four cardinal virtues of Christianity
(Prudence, Temperance and Justice, the
others), is the proper word for this response,
the virtue most needed by early Christians
facing wild animals or gladiators in the
Colosseum, or by martyrs still alive while
being slowly flayed, disembowelled or roasted.
Of this last the prize goes to St Laurence, who,
roasting on a gridiron for his faith, urged his
Roman tormentors to turn him over, for his
backside was quite done.
Such courage was urged on children of my
generation by the example of the saints and
martyrs to whom our churches were dedicated
and, in history lessons at school, by the courage
of those who were burned and beheaded for
being Catholics or Protestants under all the
Tudor monarchs of the 16th century. As boys,
we read with ghoulish relish of their torments,
but to the blood and beastliness there was
always another side their fortitude, their
dignity in death. Fortitude was always the
lesson of Biggles and other heroes of boys
books; in kidnap and capture, bound, gagged
and blindfolded, the stalwart man of the hour
was always resolute, his upper lip ramrod stiff,
and even the lowly William of a hundred
William books never, never cried. William
and Biggles served us well when we were caned
by schoolmasters and, as National Servicemen,
were compelled to take the Queens shilling and
learn to be soldiers in the mayhem of
Aldershot or Catterick, with fortitude accepting
the shearing of our locks, the bullying of
corporals and the manic screams of sergeants

A bou t Tow n
The STiffeST
U pper LipS

siR
Ranulph
Fiennes
Does the
hardy explorer
have any
extremities
left?

MaRy
BeaRd
The wise
ber-classicist
faces those
boring
old trolls
head-on.

the
duKe oF
edinBuRGhs
BladdeR
The
hardiest
beast
of all.

claRe
BaldinG
A woman
who defines
no-nonsense.

BaRoness
lane-Fox
Indisputably
one of
lifes doers.

John
siMpson
No foreign
jaunt is too
dangerous.

cheMMy
alcott
The British
skier broke
her leg
recently but
described it
as just a little
whoopsie.
Thats
the spirit.

Guy
pelly
Never
complains,
never
explains.
You wont
catch this
nightclub
kings chin
wobbling.

Rosie
stanceR
Hacked off
two of her
toes with a
penknife and
no anaesthetic
on an
expedition
to the
North Pole.

as we were turned from callow youths to

killer men.
All this, however, was half a century ago
and more, and with so long a peace, we have
become soft and selfish. With scant religion and
an education system in which little heroic
history is taught, Biggles and William are lost
to the computer game and there is nothing
like National Service to give boys a sense of
loyalty to Queen and Country.
Fortitude is beyond our understanding,
the stiff upper lip a thing of the past. No
one noticed this erosion until the death of
Diana, Princess of Wales, put us to the test
and the nation surprised itself by weeping,
wailing and rending its clothes in grief, even
turning on the Royal Family and abusing
them for their devotion to the stiff upper lip,
their dignified fortitude seeming unnatural
to the hoi polloi, who demanded that the
Queen should join C o n t i n u e d o n p a g e 1 4 3

quentin lettSS
Sk etchbook

THIS MONTH: R ACHel Reeves, sHADOW seCReTARY

OF sTATe FOR WORK AND PeNsIONs
LABOUR MP Rachel Reeves is that one the
editor of BBC2s Newsnight called boring
snoring. How jolly rude. Actually, make it
boring schnorring, for that is how honker
Rachel might say it. The voice could be a tuba
with a pair of socks stuffed down its horn. If
you are old enough to remember Sixties telly,
think Harry H Corbett, the actor who played
the younger rag-and-bone man in Steptoe and
Son. Reevess voice is almost as deep.
This clever economist (Oxford and the LSE)
has risen fast and may go further. The
Shadow Cabinet is
not exactly packed
with talent and
Reeves, having
worked for the Bank
of England and the
Treasury, knows her macroeconomics from
her macrobiotic yogurts. She is also a hot
sausage at chess, having been British
under-14 girls champ. She recently singlehandedly beat 12 primary-school children in a
simultaneous game. This, we may deduce, is
one competitive beastie.
Having entered the Commons only in 2010,
number-cruncher Reeves is already shadow
secretary of state for welfare. The job is
officially called Work and Pensions but state
benefits are the sharp part of the brief. So she
is shadow minister for handouts shadow
minister, really, for grooming a whole new
generation of citizens who are dependent on
the state for their livelihood and may therefore
be more likely to vote Labour. Sorry if that
sounds unduly cynical but it is
certainly how many MPs look
at welfare.
Her mother and father
were middle-class southLondon teachers. Rachel,
born in 1979 in the last
weeks of the Callaghan
government joined the
Labour party at 16. Was the
chess wizard plotting ahead
a couple of decades and
thinking, If I join this lot now, I
might be in the Cabinet by the
time I am 36? There was
obviously something political in
the Reeves familys teapot.

Rachels younger sister Ellie is also going

places in Labour, being on the National
Executive Committee and something of
a conference darling at Labours autumn
get-togethers. It is probably fair to say that
Ellie inherited the joie de vivre genes while her
sister got the speaking-clock ones. When
interviewed on telly, Rachel spouts the most
fearful tripe, mottled by slogans and platitudes.
Its almost as though she doesnt know how
to connect with a less intelligent world.
After leaving the left-leaning LSE with an
MSc in economics,
our heroine did six
years at the Bank,
including a years
secondment to the
British embassy in
Washington, DC, where she analysed the US
economy for Gordon Browns treasury. Brown
was much interested in America and Reeves
came on to his radar screen. (Both he and his
sidekick Ed Balls were impressed.) A spell in
the City then followed for Reeves. She worked
as an analyst at HBOS, one of the banks that
went phut in the credit crisis. Dont blame her!
It took her a while to find a parliamentary
seat. She is not the most natural schmoozer
on the doorsteps and her first attempts
at parliamentary elections, in Bromley and
Chislehurst, were less than happy forays.
Eventually, however, she bagged a safe seat
in Leeds on an all-female shortlist. Her majority
is 7,000 and not even a technocrat like
her should be able to whittle that down for
a while.
Opinion polls suggest that Labours
two biggest weaknesses are on the
economy and welfare. Reeves hopes
to present herself as a toughie who
will not hand out welfare loot to the
undeserving. Can she persuade
the country of that while Bountiful
Balls is in charge of her partys
economic policy? Perhaps the
Opposition would be better
placed if Miliband
dumped Balls and
made Rachel shadow
chancellor instead. The
Reeves gambit, as they
might say in chess.

Her voice could be a

tuba with a pair of socks
stuffed down its horn

Illustrated by GERALD SCARFE

Books

Sex! Meltdowns! Murder! Crikey, its an eye-popping

month... By Sebastian Shakespeare

BOOK OF THE MONTH

THE POETRY OF SEX bY SOPHiE HannaH (Viking, 14.99).

THE nigHT guEST bY FiOna

McFaRlanE (Sceptre, 14.99)

diSSidEnT gaRdEnS bY JOnaTHan

lETHEM (Jonathan Cape, 18.99)

baRRacuda bY cHRiSTOS
TSiOlkaS (Atlantic Books, 14.99)

WEEgEE: MuRdER iS MY buSinESS

bY bRian WalliS (Prestel, 35)

Heres a beguiling debut novel

set in Australia. One night,
lonely, elderly widow Ruth Field
thinks that she hears a tiger
roaming around the house
and the next day, an unknown
woman arrives, offering her
services as a home help, and
takes over Ruths life. At once
a disturbing thriller and a
meditation on ageing, trust and
fear, this is an unsettling story
that stalks the mind.

This epic family novel criss-crosses

generations from the Fifties to
the present day. Rose Zimmer,
an unreconstructed New York
communist nicknamed the Red
Queen, terrorises her relations
and neighbours with the ferocity
of her personality and implacable
beliefs. Among the oppressed
are her hippie daughter Miriam
and her stepson gay black
literature professor Cicero.
Oh yes, the personal is political.

From The Slap to the splash.

The bestselling Tsiolkas has
come up with a new novel about
our obsession with being the
best. Daniel Kelly, on a sports
scholarship at a private school,
gets his chance to win fame
and fortune in a big international
swimming meet. But he has a
meltdown, comes fifth, and
spirals into decline. A moving
novel of competition, dreams
and disillusionment.

The great American

photojournalist Weegee often
beat the police to the crime
story and his graphic black and
white stills from the Thirties
and Forties are as lurid as
they are disturbing. Brilliant
tableaux of New York noir, his
portraits of gangland murders
and gruesome car crashes have
become as much a staple of
Big Apple iconography as the
Empire State Building.

64 T a T l e r f e b r u a r y 2 0 1 4

STILL-LIFES: JODY TODD

Theres no denying Sophie Hannahs claim that The Poetry of Sex

will be the raunchiest poetry anthology of the year. Within its covers
you will find poems about all kinds of sex. There is a poem about
getting a quick blowjob in a car and another celebrating illicit sex
with colleagues in the office. There is a poem about coupling
elephants and there are even two (!) devoted to actor Daniel Craig
(he rises like a Christ newly baptised in sky-blue trunks, writes
Rich Goodson). In her defence, Hannah says she could not find
a single poem about Tom Cruise, although Mick Jagger and David
Cassidy do pop up in one poem each. All might be fair in love
and war (though in fact it isnt), but all is certainly not fair in sex,
Hannah jokes. How true. If desire is infinite, pleasure is often
thwarted and certainly finite. But there are plenty of diverse
pleasures to be obtained from this highly entertaining anthology
in terms of subject matter, approach and writers. The poems range
from the misogynist (Irving Laytons Bicycle Pump) to the
mellifluous (Marvells To His Coy Mistress), and from the
plangent to the profane. A volume to savour and delight
never has filth been so much fun.

A bou t Tow n
SCootER SUItCASE

MotoRbIkE SUItCASE

What do you do if you get to an airport

with a crucial flight to catch and have
four minutes till your gate closes but a
mile-long journey down a series of walkways
to get there?
Check out this sexy little
scooter/suitcase. You will
look like a total knob and people
will laugh at you initially in a nice
way, but then not so much. You
may be chased by security
dogs, hauled over by the
airport police, frisked
and questioned, full
body-searched in case
you are fleeing the
scene of a crime and
despised by an entire
airport, but it will be
sort of worth it.
249.95 at
micro-scooters.co.uk

Q
WASHING-MACHINE SUItCASE
Dont tell ANYONE but this isnt a gadget...
its an optical illusion. A lovely white wheelie
case fashioned to resemble a washing
machine. Means that when you throw all
your clothes into your case because you
are a filthy trollop who cant be arsed to fold
her own T-shirts, you can simply claim you
are doing it on purpose to make the washingmachine gag more potent. And you can
leave your suitcase on for at least one more
rotation on the carousel just to see the faces
of the people looking at it, scratching their
heads cartoon-style and whispering WTF?
90 at suitsuit.com

What do you do if you get to an airport,

have forgotten your scooter suitcase
and have two minutes till your gate closes but
a three-mile long journey down a series of
walkways to get there?
Simples... check out this sexy little
motorbike/suitcase. You will look like a
demented granny riding a moped for the
disabled, you will have to make your own beepbeep noise when you go backwards, you may
need to wear an
airport cap so you
look like a worker
rather than a
weirdo and youll
probably run out
of electricity near
Terminal 3, but
think of the fun
it will be.
2,500 at
boxxcorp.com

Gadgets
This month, gadgets that are actually luggage / luggage that contains a gadget.
Lets just call them luggets. Gadgage? Luggadge? Whatever. By Emma Freud
ELECtRIC-SHoCk SUItCASE

Q
A
SWINGY CoFFEE tHING
Airport late missed breakfast lost boarding
pass child has vomited other child whingeing
four carrier bags as well as suitcase plane
delayed huge queue lady asking why your
children are so badly behaved need a coffee
more than life itself buy one drop it cry
miss flight go home. SOK help is at
hand. This bit of plastic means you can carry
your coffee on your wheelie without spilling it.
Its only a small thing but could avoid the straw
that breaks the camels back. Next time dont
try to fly with a camel. 8 at goodtugo.com

What do you do if you have a million

pounds in cash and you need to carry it
around safely?
Either tape it to your thighs and say youve
been eating a lot of cronuts. Or put it in
this perfectly ordinary-looking suitcase, set it to
stealing-proof mode and, if a dastardly robber
tries to make off with it, watch it emit an alarm
of 85 decibels and produce an electric shock
of 30,000 volts. Lol. Seriously, lol. (PS: On your
behalf I did NOT test this suitcase. I dont love
you THAT much.) 130 at kimpok.com

VINtAGE SPEAkER SUItCASE

For people who need to party literally
everywhere, these are individual vintage
pieces of luggage with speakers wired
into them. They will look fabulous in
the corner of your vintage industrial sitting
room and the sound quality is properly
uhmazing but additionally you can take
it on holiday, get the party started at
the luggage carousel, Macarena your way
through customs and make your children
wish they had never been born.
280 at theboomcase.com

N E X T M O N T H g a d g E T s T O M a k E yO u M O r E b E au T i f u l .
i k N Ow T H aT i s N T p O s s i b l E , b u T w E ca N T ry

T h i s i s m e o n Tw i t t e r @ e m m a f r e u d

TaT l er f eb ruary 2014

65

A bou t Tow n

5,0
3

00

00
4,5
PEAK CONDITION

SNOW JOKE

after tHe storM,

CliMbers on tHe
doldenHorn,
sWitzerland (1960) by
bradford WasHbUrn

Gstaad (1946) by Martin

Peikert
Lithograph in colours, 99 x 76cm

93

0
,00

Silver gelatin print, 50 x 60cm

WHen 22 January.
WHere Christies South Kensington,
85 Old Brompton Road, SW7
(christies.com).

Art for sale

Josh Spero on this months most shiveringly sensational buys

FRAME-UP
Untitled (yelloW)
(1970-94) by CHiyU UeMae
Mixed media on canvas, 162 x
130.5cm

WHy bUy
Its the most influential art
movement most people have
never heard of: Gutai. In 1954,
young Japanese artists, raging
against the popular subservience
that had let the government take Japan into World War
Two, wanted to declare their individuality and stir up art
and society. With this sort of abstraction, and with these
rough materials (sawdust and oil paint), Uemae did just
that. Looking like a frame missing its picture, Untitled
invites us to peer into a dark and empty heart underneath
the golden shimmer. The yellow cubes jauntily crossing
the canvas are uneasy comic relief, never quite distracting
us just as Gutai never let its artworks obscure its
profound purpose.
WHen 1519 January.
WHere Whitestone Gallery at London Art Fair, Business
Design Centre, 52 Upper Street, N1 (londonartfair.co.uk).

66 T a T l e r f e b r u a r y 2 0 1 4

WHy bUy
It takes a while before you even
understand what this picture
is. It looks more like an
abstract-expressionist canvas the paint daubed on in
some careful, even delicate, way than a photo of climbers
on a Swiss peak. (You can just make them out near the
middle of the ridge.) Washburn, a noted mountaineer, took
many technical shots the sort you could use as a guide
while sizing up Mount McKinley but he also managed
to turn his sensitivity and his passion into art, photos
that summon up human turmoil as much as natural
majesty, unrecognisably strange yet wholly compelling.
WHen Until 27 January.
WHere Michael Hoppen Gallery, 3 Jubilee Place, SW3
(michaelhoppengallery.com).

0
79

GOT A LIGHT?
iii tHe dissolUtion of
MotHer island series (2013)
by Jess littleWood
Archival gicle print, 70 x 100cm,
edition of three

WHy bUy
The last collage I made involved glue,
coloured paper, bits of pasta and sparkles
a world away from this digital
photomontage, the latest development
in a tradition that starts with Picasso
and Braque. Collages usually want the
viewer to connect diverse, seemingly
unconnectable constituents, but
Littlewood does the opposite: she
offers up desolate landscapes that look
as though they belong together, but
then makes them alien by contrasting
colour and shape. There is certainly
something terribly eerie about the
Northern Lights twinkling away inside
the pentagon here, like a bright
universe that has snuck into our dull

one. I still think it could have done

with some macaroni, mind.
WHen Until 25 January.
WHere Bearspace, 152 Deptford
High Street, SE8 (bearspace.co.uk).

photographs: courtesy of chiyu uemae and whitestone gallery, japan; bradford washburn, courtesy of decaneas archive and michael hoppen gallery; christies images

WHy bUy
Now what could be more suitable for
a wintry edition of Tatler than an
advert for skiing in Gstaad? Those
swinging lovers look as though theyre
being carried off in a movie, just as the
credits are about to roll, with some
suggestively placed skis and a fragile
curl of (post-coital?) cigarette smoke.
Even the slant of GSTAAD pushes
into the future. This genre of poster,
an art-deco incitement to visit Europe,
normally suggests a golden age of
continental luxury but just consider
the date of this one. In 1946, any
Brits looking to ski were luxuriating
in something else: that at long last
the war was over and they could have
fun again.

JUST RELEASED. A ONE

OF ONE OPPORTUNITY.
Just occasionally, an opportunity comes along that is simply too good to miss. The Chilterns is
one of those. Londons most exclusive new development, located on the corner of Chiltern Street
and Paddington Street in the fashionable Marylebone area, comprises 44 stunning 2 and 3 bedroom
apartments and penthouses that overlook mature gardens. Architecturally striking with interiors
designed by the world-renowned Rabih Hage, The Chilterns quite simply redef nes envy.
The Chilterns is One of One.
Prices from 3,000,000.

For more information about The Chilterns or to arrange a

private appointment, please contact Oksana Lukjaneca on
+44 (0)20 8418 1070 or email oksana@TheChilternsW1.com

A bou t Tow n

restaurants

Hello, landmark lovely its so nice to have you back where you belong. By Jeremy Wayne
Baked vegetables and
poached egg at
Merchants Tavern

Side orderS
M e rc h a n t s tav e r n
36 Charlotte Road, EC2
(020 7060 5335)

BE R N E R S TAVE R N
MOD E R N b R itish
Do you remember Bourne & Hollingsworth?
let me tell you
Thought not. I dont either, really. It was one of
categorically that this
the great department stores that proliferated
restaurant room soars
around Oxford Circus before Oxford Street went
heroically into one of
totally dclass. But heres the point. There was a
Londons top half dozen. Its as grand as it is
time when this area was every bit the equal of
intimate, as relaxed as it is poised and the
Knightsbridge. And Milady, up in
cocktail list is an assemblage of
town from Hampshire for some
puns (Dill or No Dill, Mead,
HOW MUCH
haberdashery and a concert at
Myself & Aye) of which the
140 for two
Wigmore Hall, might very well
hoariest old headline writer could
WHAT TO EAT
have overnighted at the genteel
be proud.
Scottish beefburger,
Berners Hotel.
Open all day, Berners does super
Romney Marsh lamb
Well, she wouldnt recognise the
shellfish, ham and eggs, salads,
WHAT TO DRINK
old girl now. Empty for eight years,
sandwiches, pasta and steaks. There
Coates & Seely bubbly,
the Berners has just reopened as
is fish on Friday, roast beef on
Dill or No Dill cocktail
Ian Schragers London Edition,
Sunday and a sublime dish of duck
WHO GOES
mad and beautiful, chandeliered
and caramel apples every day, along
George Clooney,
to the rafters, billiard table in
with the best chips in town bar
Tracey Emin, Lady
the lobby and, alongside, Jason
none. Breakfast has already become
Helen Taylor
Athertons latest and
something of an institution.
without a shadow of
What else to say? Being a Jason
a doubt greatest
Atherton restaurant, Berners Tavern is, of course,
restaurant to date.
very cool, but its also very chic; dressed down,
Whichever way you
obviously, but curiously dressed up too the sort
cut it, Berners Tavern
of room where, frankly, a bit of couture doesnt
is a triumph. From
look out of place. Its oxymoronic to its core. You
its double-height
cant put Berners Tavern in a little box, and nor
Seafood at
moulded ceilings to
would you want to. Thats the beauty of it. (
Berners Tavern
the picture-clad walls,
At 10 Berners Street, W1 (020 7439 9888).

Housed in a former apothecary, this

is Angela Hartnetts newest venture,
on her home turf. Merchants has all
the vitals, not to mention vittles
cosy fireplace, handsome Victorian
bar and Hartnetts partner Neil
Borthwick in the kitchen, doing Brit
dishes with a flourish. If you want
to take the pulse of east Londons
eating scene, just press here.

M i r ro r ro o M at
rosewood London
252 High Holborn, WC1
(020 7781 8888)

Bjorn van der Horst, who made

his name at the Greenhouse, is
back at the new Rosewood hotel.
In the Mirror Room opulent,
sexy, shamelessly dark the food
is exquisite: rose veal tartare,
Well, Ill
escabeche of partridge, baby
be burgered!
burgers and the cheekiest little
chips, all served on Limoges china.

s k y Lo n
Royal Festival Hall, SE1
(020 7654 7800)
On a South Bank increasingly
overrun with chain restaurants,
thank goodness for the Restaurant
at Skylon. Its quiet and demure,
with service that is just so perfect
for a winter riverside tryst. And
incoming chef Adam Gray has
pushed the cooking into top gear,
with an all-British menu that wittily
reflects the seasons and locale.

THE BARFLY The Shenkman Bar at the Royal Academy

Art for arts sake, but decent cocktails for Gods sake. In a basement
space in the north-east corner of Burlington House, W1 (020 7300
5881), Oliver Peyton has created a very saucy bar lurid red walls are
the backdrop for cocktails, many of them made from foraged

68 T a T l e r f e b r u a r y 2 0 1 4

PICK
ME!

ingredients. We wet our whistle with a nettle cordial, then soaked it with
a rosehip, mescal, sherry and blueberry number. The adjoining Keepers
House restaurant is open to the public and theres an enchanting walled
garden behind. What would the old-school Academicians say?

TATLER EVENT

Tatler and
Laurent-Perrier
invite you to an
exclusive dinner in
The Music Room at

The Ritz
on 4 March 2014
Join us for a special
four-course tasting and
champagnepairing menu
created by Executive Chef
John Williams MBE
Tatler readers will recall that Executive Chef
of The Ritz London, John Williams MBE, was
honoured with the coveted Laurent-Perrier Lifetime
Achievement Award at the 2013 Tatler Restaurant
Awards. To celebrate, John has devised a
sumptuous four-course tasting menu featuring
Laurent-Perrier Champagne-pairings, which he will
serve at an exclusive dinner on Tuesday,
4 March 2014 at The Ritz, London.
Renowned for its meticulous service, exquisite
interiors and sublime cuisine, The Ritz boasts
six private dining rooms including The Music
Room which will play host to this prestigious
event. Join us to sample gastronomic delights,
and toast the Chef's award with five glasses of
world-class Laurent-Perrier Champagnes.
This will be an intimate event with just 60
places available, so we suggest you book
quickly. Need convincing? In honour of
Laurent-Perriers long-standing support of The
Princes Foundation For Children & The Arts,
a charitable donation will be made for every
ticket bought. We hope to see you there.

Tasting menu
Cornets of Smoked Salmon Moscovite
Goose Liver Gingerbread with
Spiced Pineapple Pure
Nymphs Persille
Pommes Souffl with Caviar
Noisette of Brill Darphin
Laurent-Perrier Brut NV
Turbot with Mushroom Pure, Baby
Leeks and Morels
Laurent-Perrier Ultra Brut

Executive Chef John William

s MBE

Dinner will take place on Tuesday 4 March 2014 in The Music

Room at The Ritz, 150 Piccadilly, London W1J 9BR. Places
at this exclusive event are limited and cost 150 per head,
including the set menu and a selection of Laurent-Perrier
Champagnes, which are detailed in the box opposite.
To reserve a place, please send a cheque made payable
to Cond Nast Publications Ltd for the applicable amount,
specifying guest's name, address, email and dietary
requirements, to Rosalyn Wikeley, Tatler Events,
Vogue House, Hanover Square, London W1S 1JU.

Fillet of Veal with Glazed Sweetbread,

Broad Beans and Rosemary
Celeriac Pure
Laurent-Perrier Cuve Ros
Croquent of Red Fruits with Rhubarb
and Diplomat Cream
Laurent-Perrier Demi-Sec
Welsh Rarebit
Grand Sicle by Laurent-Perrier
Ritz Selection Tea and Coffee
Herbal Infusions
Frivolities

this page, Silk-mix

coat, 1,230, by
Stella McCartneY.
at front of lobe,
gold earringS, 1,210,
by Cartier.
other earringS &
necklaceS,
gabriellaS own
opposite page,
cotton coat, 2,270;
cotton Shirt, 395,
both by Valentino.
leather ShoeS, 294,
by ViC Matie. on
index finger,
gold-plated ring,
160, by Katie
rowland. on ring
finger, gold
ring, 1,500, by
Cartier. earringS
and bracelet,
gabriellaS own

Born to be

WILDE

ACTRESS, MoDEL, ARTIST,

MEMbER of oNE of
ENgLANDS gRANDEST
(AND bLoNDEST) fAMILIES
MEET ThE MuLTITALENTED
gAbRIELLA WILDE

Words by gAvANNDRA hoDgE

Photographed by MARCIN TYSZKA

Styled by DEEP KAILEY

TaT l er f eb ruary 2014

71

this page, Cotton &

Linen Coat, 1,330, by
Marni. Cotton top,
470, by Bottega
Veneta. denim jeans,
195, by j Brand.
Rings, as befoRe.
neCkLaCe and
bRaCeLet,
gabRieLLas own
opposite page,
mohaiR CaRdigan,
1,080, by Michael
Kors. on right hand,
little finger, goLd &
white-enameL Ring,
1,740, by dina KaMal,
at doVer street
MarKet. otheR
jeweLLeRy, as befoRe

abriella Wilde is a cool,

blonde bundle of contradictions. She looks as though she has just
stepped out of Botticellis Primavera, and yet she slopes into the Electric
wearing a baggy black jumper pulled over her wrists and no make-up,
not even mascara on her short, fair lashes. She is an actress making a
huge impact in Hollywood, about to appear as the lead in the romantic
drama Endless Love (a role played by Brooke Shields in Zeffirellis
original), and yet she does not want to be famous. She is from one of
Englands smartest families Gabriella Zanna Vanessa AnstrutherGough-Calthorpe, as she was known before she simplified things, is the
daughter of John Anstruther-Gough-Calthorpe and Vanessa Hubbard
(who were previously married, in turn, to Lady Mary-Gaye Curzon,
Cressida Bonass mother, and Dai Llewellyn) but she would hate you
to think of her as some sort of soft-focus Jilly Cooper heroine. And she
most definitely does not want to be known as the not-quite-half-sister
of Prince Harrys girlfriend. Gabriella does have six statuesque blonde
siblings (one full sister, four half-sisters and one half-brother) but
Cressida is not among them instead they share three half-siblings,
including Isabella Calthorpe, wife of Sam Branson. Its a little strange
when part of your family is in the public eye, and youre being put
into a box with them that youre not necessarily in. Thats when it starts
to feel a bit odd. When youre being told who you are, but its
incorrect, she says wearily.
The weariness is understandable. Gabriella
is heavily pregnant. The father is her boyfriend
of four years, Alan Pownall, 27, a musician
with the electropop band Pale and the son of
the suave QC Orlando Pownall. She describes
the pregnancy as a happy surprise. Although
it was gruelling at first, playing a virginal
17-year-old on the set of Endless Love and
being away from her family and her fianc,
she seems delighted at the prospect of
motherhood. She doesnt think she is
particularly young at 24: When my mother

gabriella
says her
Pregnancy,
aged 24, Was
a haPPy
surPrise

74 T a T l e r f e b r u a r y 2 0 1 4

photographs: dominic oneill, universal pictures, nick wall, corbis, alan davidson, dave m bennett/getty images, rex features

was my age she already had two children. She shows me her
engagement ring, an antique-looking oval diamond in a delicate setting
by William Welstead, and tells me the story of how Alan got thrown
out of a jewellers in Burlington Arcade because of his tattoos.
Gabriella has her own tattoos, among them a discreet Roman seven on
her wrist to indicate her place in the extended-family order, the second
youngest. The Calthorpes are tight, often gathering at the farmhouse
outside Winchester where Gabriella grew up and still has a bedroom. But
it can be hard to know where you exist outside of a big family, to find
your own autonomy. You get given certain roles. And when you want
to change, like when I became an actress, it can be strange. I had always
wanted to be a painter. Thats what I was going to do, that was my thing...
She was the sort of shy child who could always be found in a corner,
drawing or making something. But a friend of her mothers introduced
her to Isabella Blow, who first put her in front of a camera. Not long
after she met Naomi Campbell at a dinner party, who introduced her to
her model agency. And so her short but successful career as a model began.
I was 14, I didnt know what I wanted. And suddenly I was earning
money and everyone was telling me it was great, but as soon as I got to
about 17 and had the kind of mental maturity to decide if I actually
wanted to do this, I quickly realised that I didnt at all. So I stopped. She
applied to City & Guilds to do a fine art degree, writing to the college,
detailing her thoughts on art and telling them why they should take her
on despite not having done a foundation year. It worked. For all her
otherworldliness and fine breeding, Gabriella has the sharp will of the
young child in a big family. She knows how to get what she wants.
She describes herself as a big, messy painter, but found college
uninspiring. I was very interested in the making of what I was doing,
but I had very little interest in the finished product. I am not sure
I would have made a very good professional artist.
It was while she was at college that her old model agent called to tell
her shed been requested to audition for a film. It made sense for me
because everything Id done in my painting was character-based, looking
at people and the way they are depicted. Her first role was in St Trinians
2: The Legend of Frittons Gold. Last year she appeared in the remake of
Carrie with Julianne Moore and Chlo Moretz. Her ambition is to
make enough of a name for herself to be offered the sort of meaty,
independent, challenging roles that interest her. But I would still want
to find a way to disappear into the roles that Im playing I hope the
audience will see my character rather than me.
Gabriellas struggle, it seems, has long been
the gap between how people perceive her
and who she feels she really is. And it is hard
to maintain a sense of self in a large family
where you are the pretty little dreamer, and in
Hollywood when you are such a raving British
beauty. Everyone wants a piece of her, but
she does not want to give, because then what
would be left? Im starting to realise that the
key to happiness is the simplest life possible.
Living simply is what Im aiming for. (
Endless Love is released on 14 February.

Above, from left, Vanessa

Anstruther-Gough-Calthorpe
with her daughters Octavia
Anstruther-Gough-Calthorpe,
Arabella Llewellyn &
Gabriella Anstruther-GoughCalthorpe (Wilde), 2000
Gabriella
Wilde with
Ansel Elgort
in Carrie

With Alex
Pettyfer in
Endless Love

With Tamsin Egerton

& Clara Paget in
St Trinians 2. Below, with
fianc Alan Pownall
Gabriellas parents,
Vanessa & John
Anstruther-GoughCalthorpe

With half-sister Isabella

Calthorpe & her
husband Sam Branson

silk & wool JaCket,

1,850, by Victoria
Beckham. silk shirt,
from a seleCtion,
by paul smith.
wool-mix trousers,
165, by Gerard
darel. leather
shoes, 340, by Vic
matie. Jewellery,
as before

Cotton top, 470,

by Bottega Veneta.
wool-mix trousers,
165, by gerard
darel. leather
shoes, 120, by
topshop UniqUe.
Jewellery, as before
for stoCkists, see
address book. hair
by panos at Clm hair
& make-up, using
kiehls stylist series.
make-up by andrew
gallimore at Clm
hair & make-up, using
dior trianon spring
ColleCtion &
Capture totale
dreamskin. maniCure
by sabrina gayle at
lmC worldwide, using
Chanel a/w 2013 &
body exCellenCe
hand Cream. fashion
assistant, emma
simmonds.
produCtion,
tomasina lebus

left, hans
rausing sr,
1977. right,
dr lisbet
rausing
& her
husband
professor
peter
baldwin,
2007

r ausing
hell
It wasnt meant to be like this.
Born into extraordinary
wealth and privilege, the Tetra
Pak heirs might have expected
a life of discreet philanthropy.
Instead, there has been a series
of public tragedies and
debacles, from the tragic death
of Eva to Sigrids embattled
literary empire.
Keith Dovkants investigates

photographs: dominic oneill, press

association, alan davidson, rex

Above, hans K
& eva rausing,
2000. left,
hans srs
brother gad
rausing, 1980.
opposite pAge,
fAr left, sigrid
rausing & her
husband eric
abraham, 2008

Hans K
Rausing with
Julia Delves
Broughton,
November
2013

62 Cadogan
Place

carton of milk or orange juice. Such products often come in a nifty

container called a Tetra Pak, invented in the Forties by an employee of
Ruben Rausing, a packaging manufacturer in Malmo, Sweden. Rubens
sons, Hans and Gad, turned the family firm into a multinational that
now has an annual revenue of close to 10bn.
Professor Hans Rausing, Hans Ks father, moved to Britain in the
Eighties to escape Swedens tax regime. With him came his wife Mrit,
his daughters Lisbet and Sigrid and his son Hans K. Gad, his wife
Birgit, daughter Kirsten and sons Jrn and Finn also acquired homes
in Britain, but the two sides of the family are not especially close.
In 1995, Hans Sr sold his share of Tetra Laval (as the company had
become) to Gad (who died in 2000) for an estimated 4.4bn. Then he
distributed a significant slice of the money to benefit his three children.
How much did they get? Only they know and they are not telling.
They were already rich from bequests made by their grandfather. The
money bestowed on Lisbet, Sigrid and Hans K was put into a number
of trusts based offshore (the Cayman Islands is a Rausing favourite)
and the only way to gauge the extent of the siblings wealth is to look
at how they spend it. The Rausings have always preferred to operate
quietly, below the radar. Their distaste for publicity even led to
suggestions they were secretive. Hans Sr is often described as reclusive.
Yet their prolific cheque-writing does provide a key to unlocking the
formidable portals behind which they choose to live.
Witness Sigrid Rausing, second of Hanss children. Sigrid, 51, owns
Granta, the literary magazine and publishing house revered for its
championing of new writing and obscure authors. Last spring, Granta
was in turmoil. The magazines charismatic editor John Freeman handed
in his notice, along with his deputy. Then a number of other key
figures at the organisation, including Philip Gwyn Jones, the highly
respected boss at Granta Books, headed for the exit. Grantageddon!
screamed one headline, as the literati despaired at the thought of a
cultural icon in meltdown. So what went wrong? Tatlers inquiries
point to Sigrid Rausing and what seems to have been a change of heart.
When Sigrid bought Granta and its publishing arm in 2005, she
declared herself happy to publish books that would struggle to make
money and she gave an impression of being ready to put in significant
sums. Granta was making a small profit of around 180,000, but it
needed considerable investment. Things ticked over for a few years,
and then Sigrid appeared to rethink her plans. She formed a vision of
an international literary powerhouse, with the publishing division and
magazine working together. She wanted big changes, cutbacks and
outsourcing of the sales operation. And she wanted control. Staff who
left were all given generous pay-offs and have been reluctant to talk.

photographs: xposure, john frost archive, ni syndication, alan davidson, getty images, dave benett

hrouded in scaffolding, dusty and

dark, the house at 62 Cadogan Place
has a dismal aspect. This is where Eva
Rausing, one of Britains richest
women, lay dead for eight weeks in
2012 while her husband Hans, living
with her decomposing body, told
everyone she was still alive.
Such grim history may not be
easily erased, but an attempt is being
made. Builders have gutted the upper
floor where 48-year-old Eva died
and rooms at the top of the Belgravia
house, once the couples squalid
drug den, are being transformed
under the keen eye of interior
designer Joanna Wood. There are
plans to excavate the basement and create two more floors, with a
swimming pool, gym and cinema. Then, it is thought, the house will
be discreetly offered for sale. Only those with at least 75 million to
spend (and a relaxed view about psychic traces) need apply.
Its all part of Hans Kristian Rausings new beginning. This year, he
finishes a two-year term of supervised therapy ordered by the court
that found him guilty of preventing his wifes burial. Recent glimpses
of Hans, whose addiction to drugs turned him into a zombie-like
creature, reveal a man reborn. His beard is neatly trimmed, he appears
alert and fit. His family prays he will stay that way.
Hans K, as he is called to distinguish him from his father, Hans Sr,
is the inheritor of fabulous wealth. His friends might say he is also the
victim of it. His money allowed him not only to fund his drug habit, it
also shielded him from being forced to confront it. It may seem like
a familiar tale of a privileged kids destructive self-indulgence, but the
story of the Rausing dynasty and its riches is anything but commonplace.
Dazzling generosity, tragedy and ambition create a mix of almost
Shakespearean complexity.
And at the heart of it all is that
vast fortune.
Most of us have contributed
to the Rausing coffers through
the simple act of buying a

Eva and Hans K with

their children, 2000

But on condition of anonymity, sources reveal

that Sigrids determination to slim down the
entire operation and run things herself created a
sense of chaos. We felt the rug was being swept
away from under our feet, one ex-staffer says.
Some people felt they couldnt carry on.
Another, who held a senior position, tells Tatler:
It was pretty amicable because, basically, Sigrid
is a nice person. But she wanted total control.
And the way she went about it made you feel that
all that wealth puts a barrier between her and
ordinary people. Shes never had to worry about
a mortgage or Tube fares. Shes incredibly bright
an academic but she does have this myopia
about day-to-day life.
John Freeman, who had been editor for four
years, left to return to America and a post at
Columbia University. He has said little about the
reasons for his departure, but he let something slip
at a party at his loft apartment in New York. Sigrid bought a Ferrari,
he said of her purchase of Granta. Theres no point lifting up the
hood and tinkering with it as if it were a Honda.
Whether Granta is a Ferrari or a Honda, Sigrid is determined to be

Left, lisbets
scottisH
House
coRRouR
lodge.
Right,
sigRids
HigHlands
estate,
coignafeaRn

Sigrid in Tatler, 2012

in the driving seat. Having decided to run the publishing house herself,
she has appointed herself acting editor of Granta Books until at least
next year. Her tenure began with a fair wind: Eleanor Cattons Man
Booker prize win with The Luminaries, published by Granta, and a
slew of other awards have put the publisher in the strongest position it
has occupied for years, although a well-placed source pointed out that a
part of the team responsible for this success has now been dispersed.
Liz Thomson, the broadcaster and co-founder of publishing news
website BookBrunch, told Tatler: She needs proper trade publishers
around her which she once had. I think shes probably caught between
academia and philanthropy and a desire to prove to her very successful

Left, MaRit
& Hans sR
Rausing
at gad
Rausings
MeMoRial,
2001. Right,
eva at
a tatLeR
paRty, 2004

father that she is a businesswoman. She may be unlikely to square the

circle, however good her intentions.
Sigrid has won a number of awards for her philanthropic work
through her Sigrid Rausing Trust. When she set up the charity in 1996,
she named it after her grandparents then, in 2003, she endowed it
with her own name. She said the change was made to better reflect her
personal goals in promoting human rights. As with Granta, it is her
money, after all. So far, her trust has given away around 200m and the
latest Charity Commission accounts show most of its annual income of
24,244,739 goes to Sigrids chosen causes. They include campaigns
against people-trafficking and a grant of more than 2.3m to a charity
for victims of domestic abuse.
Giving away millions does not seem to have an impact on Sigrids
lifestyle. She and her second husband Eric Abraham, the film and
stage producer whose own triumphs include an Oscar and a Golden
Globe award (Kolya, best foreign film 1996), have a choice of homes.
There is a 45,000-acre estate in Scotland, a country house in Sussex
and, in London, the magnificent Aubrey House. This 18th-century
mansion, in a commanding position atop Campden Hill between
Kensington and Holland Park, has one of Londons biggest private
gardens. It was bought by Sigrid in 1997 for 20m, which made
it Londons most expensive home at that time. She spent many
more millions refurbishing it. A party at Aubrey House is likely to
overflow with big names from the world of books, film and theatre
Sir Tom Stoppard, Christopher Hampton, Jeremy Irons and his wife
Sinead Cusack are among Sigrid and Erics friends. The couples
house in Sussex, however, is where Sigrid does most of her work and
spends most time. She has a teenage son, David, from her first
marriage, to South African art dealer Dennis Hotz, and Eric has two
grown-up children.

pHotogRapHs: caMeRa pRess, alan davidson, getty iMages, alaMy, caMeRa pRess, deRRy MooRe

in one of her emails she wrote a ps

Dont forget to investigate if i shoulD
suDDenly Die! Just Joking, i hope...

As Sigrids cultural influence grows, some have been tempted to

compare her to a figure in history Catherine de Medici, perhaps,
a very rich and savvy cultural visionary who, despite lavish patronage,
had a steely approach to pursuing her aims. No one would accuse
Sigrid of Medici-style ruthlessness, but she has aroused feelings
of animus within her own family. Despite once having a touchingly
close relationship with her brother, she was banned from the house
at Cadogan Place.
What a sad place it was. The lower floors were immaculately kept,
furnished with good pieces and fine art and maintained by a domestic
staff. Upstairs, Hans and Eva turned bedrooms into a sordid refuge from
the real world, smoking crack cocaine and using other drugs, including
huge doses of methadone. When police broke into the rooms, which
had been barricaded by Hans, they found Evas mummified corpse
under a huge mound of bedclothes, a tarpaulin and even a 50-inch
television, all bound with tape and sprayed with disinfectant in a vain
attempt to mask the smell. Naturally, they investigated the possibility
that she had been murdered, but concluded she had died from
drug-taking. Her pacemaker, fitted after a previous binge, showed
that her heart rate had soared to more than five times its normal rate.
Hans K was said to have suffered a mental breakdown. I just didnt
want her to leave, he said, when asked why he had hidden her body.
Hans K, 50, and Eva met in rehab in 1989. She was the daughter
of American business executive Tom Kemeny. Her sister Be married
and later divorced Jack Kidd, the polo-playing brother of model
Jodie Kidd. Away from drugs, Eva was a bubbly character with an
infectious laugh, much sought after in London society. One friend,
who met her through the school their children attended, tells Tatler:
Eva was one of those people you instantly like. She was great fun
and very funny. Her husband was quite different, the same friend says:
He would just sit there, silent and vacant. He spoke in monosyllables,
if he spoke at all.
Hans K received a 10-month suspended sentence for denying his
wife a proper burial. Now, as his two years as an inpatient in a London
hospital draw to a close, he and his family must hope the whole grisly
episode at 62 Cadogan Place is forgotten as soon as possible. It may not

Sigrid and
Eva, 2002

Right, Hans
sR & MaRit,
2001. Left,
Hans ks
cousing
kiRsten
Rausing,
2012

be. Tatler has learned of new interest in the circumstances surrounding

Evas death. The year before she died, Eva was at a low ebb. On 5 June
2011, she sent an email to respected Swedish author and investigative
journalist Gunnar Wall. Wall has published two books on the 1986
assassination of Swedish prime minister Olof Palme, a crime that
remains unsolved, and in an email Eva Rausing suggested she knew
who was responsible for the murder.
Wall tells Tatler: She wrote that her husband, Hans K Rausing, had
told her the identity of the murderer some time before. Hans K
had discovered the name by coincidence, Eva said. She said it was a
businessman, continues Wall, and naturally, I was sceptical. It was
possible that business figures opposed to Palme wanted him out of the
way, but there was no evidence of a conspiracy to murder and I didnt
really think much of what she wrote to me.
Then, in one of her last emails, she wrote a PS: Dont forget to
investigate if I should suddenly die! Just joking, I hope. When I heard
she had died in strange circumstances, I thought, What can I do?
Wall contacted the prosecutors office in Sweden, which still has an
open file on Palmes murder. He told them about the emails, but they
already had copies sent by Scotland Yard following their investigations.
The Swedish police wanted to interview Hans K, but his lawyers said
he was too unwell. Gunnar Wall did manage to contact Hans K. He
said Eva was wrong and he had never told her who he thought was
involved in the Palme murder. Then the family said Eva had not been
in her right mind. There was little I could do, but I could not dismiss it.
Wall says he had been deeply involved in a book project at that time
but was looking again at what Eva sent him.
I shall investigate this more deeply now, he says. She was unstable,
of course. But I dont believe she lied.
Eva was buried at the Six Oaks Cemetery near her familys home at
Hilton Head, South Carolina. She stipulated in her will that she wished
to be buried in Raus, Sweden, birthplace of the Rausing dynasty, but
her family and her husband wanted to take her body home to America.
Tatler asked Sigrid a number of questions for this article, which at
the time of going to press she had not answered. One was about
non-domiciled status for tax. Is she a non-dom (a person resident in
Britain whose domicile for tax purposes is declared to be abroad)? She
may not wish to say, but her father is famous for being one.
Hans Rausing Sr, now 87, is something of an enigma. He lives on a
huge estate in Sussex, Wadhurst Park, in a house described by its
architect as a palace. It has two helicopter pads, a swimming pool said
to have cost 1m and interiors of marble and wood. Amid all
this luxury, Hans and his wife Mrit live frugally. He gets his hair cut at
the local barber and has been known to demand OAP discounts. He
spends his summers at a seaside cottage in Torekov, southern Sweden,
where he potters about in a Fifties Citron 2CV. Old cars are his passion,
especially those with interesting engineering. He is an inventor with
a patent book inches thick and a love of experiments. He shows a
jaunty sense of humour at Wadhurst Park, he built a cannon from
which he fired his old underwear.
When Hans Sr sold his half of Tetra Laval to his late brother, the
4.4bn he received was said to be the biggest cash windfall for an
individual ever recorded. The details were deliberately shielded from
public scrutiny and, to this day, his familys financial affairs are
obscured by offshore holdings and tax-efficient schemes. In 2002,
The Guardian published a piece by investigative journalist Nick Davies
disclosing that Hans, then Britains richest man, had protected his
income from the taxman so brilliantly that, one year, the Treasury
paid him 69,702.48. It was all perfectly legal, thanks to his
entitlement to grants for his agricultural holdings and his status as a
non-dom. Hans Sr, it appears, has a thing C o n t i n u e d o n p a g e 1 4 3

Their careers are short but lucrative.

They are as beautiful as any
supermodel, with the stamina
of an athlete
and the social skills of a diplomat.
They can earn 10,000
for one nights work.
They are expected to leave their
self-respect at the bedroom door.

They are the worlds

top prostitutes
By Charlotte Edwardes

ARK RED, you know the one, like blood. I forget

the name. Anyway, he wants that on your toes.
Light-pink manicure fresh, innocent. So whats
next? Underwear, yes. He wants you in La Perla,
off-white. Corsetry. Nothing whorish.
Lauren*, 31, is mimicking her madam, putting
on a breathy Parisian accent, adding a few Gallic
gestures for effect. Hes a nice guy, veeery discreet. Remember: act like
you know him at Northolt [airport]. Packing, lets see: a cocktail dress
black, whips, lube... She laughs, returning to her own voice, which
has a faint Scandinavian lilt. And that was my life for 10 years. I was
a high-class hooker. Call me a courtesan, call girl, escort, whatever you
want. But basically I was a hooker. Just very well paid. She looks at her
ring, an enormous pear-shaped diamond, and adjusts it. Very well paid.

TaT l er f eb ruary 2014

85

There is an enduring fascination with illicit sex in high places and what
is referred to as the oldest profession. Perhaps its the access to some of
the worlds richest, most powerful men, the secrets, the scandal, and,
of course, the sexual prowess of these girls, which is riveting to us all
(remember Wallis Simpsons Shanghai Squeeze and how it was said to
have captured the heart of Edward VIII?).
Hollywood sirens like Marilyn Monroe (who made pornographic
films in her early career) and Joan Crawford (who worked in a strip
club) reportedly sold sex too. Others have gained historical notoriety
from it: Mary Boleyn, a prostitute to Henry VIII before her sister
Anne married him; Nell Gwyn, the mistress of Charles II; Harriette
Wilson, the Regency courtesan who threatened to reveal her secrets
and, supposedly, prompted the line publish and be damned from the
1st Duke of Wellington, a client; and Cora Pearl, the English fille de joie
who bewitched 1860s Paris. There was a media scramble to unmask
the blogging call girl Belle de Jour (eventually revealed as Dr Brooke
Magnanti), who was trading sex while studying for a PhD. She took her
alluring nom de plume from the French novel of 1928, made into a film
with Catherine Deneuve in 1967.
On condition of anonymity (I dont want my legs broken), Lauren
has agreed to talk about her life as a high-class prostitute. She earned
10,000 a night at her peak 20,000, and 40,000 for a weekend.
(No one earns that money now, she says. Prices have gone down in the
last five years. Changing times.)
She travelled aboard private jets and yachts to Monaco, St Tropez,
St Barths, Barbados and Malibu. Shes been inside the worlds smartest
hotel rooms during
the Cannes Film
Festival, the Miami
Art Basel, the Met
Ball, the Monaco
Grand Prix. Our
clients were on
the Forbes list. Men
who owned countries, private islands, people who were huge in
property, big-scale retail, international industry and oil. Ive had dinner
with royalty and major politicians. If you knew who! These clients were
are powerful, powerful men.
Aristocrats? No. They dont pay. Its new money. Having a hooker
for them is nothing like having butter on their bread. Sometimes their
wives knew and turned a blind eye, sometimes they didnt [know].
We are drinking tea in Laurens house in Chelsea two buildings
knocked together on one of Londons loveliest streets. Inside its
comfortable and modern, the colours muted except for explosions of art
on the walls. She lives with her husband, who was not a client I got
lucky and who disapproves of her talking about her past. (She jumpily
calls whos that? every time she hears a noise outside. Its the housekeeper.)
She says her look extraordinary pale hair, gas-blue eyes, peachy skin
was the look everyone wanted. They dont want skinny models, they
want a little bit of... She plumps her neat cleavage. But nothing fake.
No fake boobs, nails or eyelashes. Like others girls in her earnings
bracket, Lauren is clever. She speaks several languages (Swedish, French,
English). She used to read the Financial Times and The Economist to stay
abreast of world events, as well as fashion magazines for style. These
clients want someone who can hold a conversation at a cocktail party or
dinner as well as everything else. You cant be like [she puts on a thick
Slavic accent], Er, my name is Svetlana. My father work in factory.
Although some of the girls do come from that background.
Lauren says there are two major madams in London right now, both
women, and that they supply girls all over Europe and to the States. One
is English, but her background is not English. Big woman. Looks like a

frog. Laurens was

French, in her 50s,
very elegant, lives in
north-west London
and has dominated
the industry for
20 years. She has
the best, best girls. She has the top 10 girls right now. They are seriously
beautiful. They look like models.
The madams are almost as intriguing as their girls. Madame Claude,
whose clientele in the Sixties included politicians, the mafia and senior
police, was immortalised in books and films. Heidi Fleiss, the famous
Hollywood madam whose father was the respected paediatrician Dr Paul
Fleiss, kept a black book of stars and moguls in the movie world. She
was jailed for tax evasion in 1994 and convicted for pandering in 1997.
A madam can be a monsieur in 2012, Elie Nahas, 49, a Lebanese
businessman and Beirut model-agency owner, was given an eight-year
prison sentence in absentia by a French court for supplying more than 50
putes de luxe of various nationalities from his room in the Carlton Hotel
on the Croisette. He was the right-hand man of Moatessem Gaddafi, the
playboy son of the ousted Libyan dictator, but says he was singled out.
Speaking to The Hollywood Reporter, he claimed girls earned up to $40,000
a night. And that the police know what goes on... They turn a blind eye.
Lauren gives a heard-it-all-before look. There are boatloads of them in
Cannes and St Tropez, she says. The summer in the South of France is
big. One particular boat had a weekly turnover of fresh girls. A lot come
from London. How does her madam recruit? She has scouts, who work
like model scouts, trawling hot clubs and bars and model parties. And
girls find her. Some come through contacts. Mostly they are models,
strippers or dancers. Or students. They are smart and pretty, pretty. There
are young actresses too. Sometimes recognisable faces.
Laurens madam worked with a man who was friendly with all the top
model agencies. Hed pretend to be a Saudi prince and sleep with models.
Then hed tell them they could earn 10,000 a night and theyd say, Oh

photographs (previous and this page): getty images

you cant be fazed by

power or mega-money, or
what youre asked to do

really? Heres my number. At other times, he might proposition a pretty has hookers all the time is so rough that Laurens madam refuses to send
her best girls. A famous film director offered to make Lauren famous if I
girl by offering large amounts of money for sex. Ninety-nine per cent of
the time shell tell him where to go. But the seed is planted. Next time she didnt use a condom. She refused.
And one guy you definitely know his name wanted to be a baby girl
sees him, she might say, OK, tell me more.
dressed as a ballerina. We had to smack him and put things up his bum.
Her madam would ask this same male friend to test out new girls,
Theyd rather pay a beautiful whore because its less of a headache, she
Lauren says. Shed say, There you go, theres your practice run.
goes on. No offence, but its easier than convincing your wife to have sex.
Hed report back and say, She did this, she did that, she was good.
They say, Do what youre paid to do.
Id put her in the top bracket. Or hed say, Shes a bit mediocre, so
In addition to their fees (which were paid to the madam no money
she might be a 1,000-a-night job as opposed to a 10,000. Theres
also a place in Paris shell send top girls to learn about sex, all the tricks. changes hands with the girl), clients would take them shopping for tens
of thousands of pounds worth of clothes. About 10 years ago, all the girls
Paris is unbelievable for that stuff. Are the girls nervous? She laughs.
had Louis Vuitton luggage. They were taken to the VIP rooms in the
You cant have nerves! These girls are tough. And theres a numbness
major fashion houses. Getting jewellery is key. Thats an investment.
its work. We dont care about clients. A lot [of girls] come from
not-great backgrounds. She trails off. Lets just say theres a reason why Theyre big savers, they dont spend their own money. And if they start
young 18 is a good age and do 10 to 12 years of hard work, theyre
theyre doing what theyre doing.
made. Retirement age is 28, latest 30, Lauren says. They need to earn
Today, many of the girls are from Russia or Eastern Europe, she
enough to send home, or to put away for their future. (Lauren invested
says, but others are from all over America, Brazil, South Africa, the
in property.) She says theres an upper echelon of exclusive prostitutes, the
Far East. The madam has an eye for wholl be good. She arranges
famous ex-models, It girls and actresses, who charge for their celebrity
accommodation for the new faces and has around 100 girls on her
premium. They have a longer shelf life. Lauren cites six, including a
books. The very least youll be paying is 1,000 a night those are the
former Victorias Secret model, who charged 25,000 an hour. Thats a
get-em-in, get-em-out service girls. Theyre booked for events like
lot of money, so good for her.
the big weekend shoots, or to sit in a nightclub, making some sleazy
Through Lauren, I meet Anna, 24, who is currently working as a
guy look good. She continues: The mid-range are the majority
prostitute. She wears Isabel Marant and Chanel. Shes braless under her
5,000 a night up. A lot of Russians. Theyre usually exceptionally
beautiful but maybe didnt cut it modelling. Most of the mid-range guys white T-shirt but it doesnt look tarty it looks hip, unbothered, sexy.
arent mega-mega theyre wealthy-banker league. Its like an addiction: She has a loose sweep of caramel-blonde hair, parted roughly in the
middle the kind of girl you might see hoicking her modelling
they cant travel and not have a hooker. It goes hand in hand.
portfolio around Paris. She remembers the cheap fake-fur coat she
Girls are sent to etiquette classes, to learn how to sit, eat, which
was wearing when she stepped off the plane five years ago from Russia.
knife, fork, which glass for the white, for the red. It cant be obvious to
Her modelling career failed because there were a million Eastern
the other dinner guests that shes a prostitute. It sounds very My Fair
European girls like me at the agency. I couldnt earn proper money.
Lady albeit a pornographic version. But not all the girls are badly
Anna refuses to discuss her madam (or agent, as she calls her), but says
educated, she adds. There are students, girls with private-school
backgrounds rebelling against Daddy. She tells of a girl from a fabulous she was introduced by another model. Shes been taken to Wimbledon,
the Serpentine Party, Ibiza, Monaco and the Frieze art fair. Most of her
background who fell in love with a client. And the client left his wife
clients are financiers hedgefunders, CEOs, rich
and three children for her. Do many girls marry
businessmen who like to travel. I can make 5,000
out of the game? Not as many as youd think,
t h e pa r i s s e xa night. Sometimes 10,000 or 15,000 for a
she says. Its not Pretty Woman. But then again, a
school lessons
weekend. She says the other girls are nice, were
lot of society women started out this way.
often booked in groups. Clients want everyone
What makes a 10,00020,000 girl? Looks
1 Knowledge of all sexual positions,
to think theyre going out with a model. She
and training. We were professionals. Wed need to
including the unusual (eg, reverse cowgirl).
be funny, a laugh, party all night. Or cool and clever, 2 How to perform the worlds best oral sex. knows the difference between a Citation Mustang
discreet and well-mannered. You could never be
Including how to relax your throat muscles and a Dassault Falcon jet and says the big money
has moved to Ibiza from France. They dont
fazed by power or mega-money or what you were
and how to incorporate other male parts.
want you to dress like a hooker. Today you need
asked to do. She says the top girls are healthy
3 Light bondage (how to be dominant,
to look natural. Dont dress like their wives,
they go to the gym. They dont do drugs, smoke or
rope tying, light spanking and whips).
she smiles. Although most of their wives try to
drink. Sometimes youre up all night, you need to
4 Exercises to develop core muscles
dress like us.
look after yourself. The top 10 are champion
(internal grip), thigh muscles and balance
Shes been to Barneys in New York and to Paris
racehorses. Others are more hard-wearing.
crucial for domination.
to shop. The first time she was bought clothes by a
An absolutely stunning girl might not be so
5 How to use your fingers and tongue to
client, it was 7,000 dresses in Prada and four pairs
bright, or her English isnt good. Shell go to
best effect, and when.
of shoes. He kept saying, Are you sure thats
Arab clients. They want a beautiful girl they can
6 Grooming and cleanliness (eg, no hair
enough, dont you want anything else? Shes also
lock in a room and bang, bang, bang. She pauses.
around bikini line and ensuring there are
been given gadgets the latest Mac, iPads, iPhones
But they pay well.
no unsightly accidents).
and handbags (a lot of handbags).
Does that mean other clients treat girls well?
7 How to look as if youre enjoying it as
I ask Anna how she sees her future. Maybe Ill
Yes, but... She takes a deep breath. A lot of these
much as they are (eye contact, appearing
marry a rich man, she says. If not, Ill start my
guys are seriously fucked up. If theyre married,
to take your time, faking orgasm).
own business. Does she think shell ever fall in
their wives dont do what they want. No woman in 8 How, when and where to use a vibrator.
love? Have children? Have a normal life? Maybe.
her sane mind would do half of it. She describes
9 Three or moresomes how to work
I hope. She shrugs. Its hard to think about it.
unprintable scenes and remembers being put in an together in order to maximise pleasure.
Right now, I just want to make money. (
exceptionally expensive outfit so that the client
10 Business. Keep him satisfied; ensure
*All names have been changed.
could [urinate] on it. One European royal who
repeat custom.
TaT l er f eb ruary 2014

87

leah de wavrin
French model Leah de Wavrins life is full of costume changes its
in the job description. As a youth, she may have preferred dressing
her younger brother Ralph up as a girl and parading him in front of
all her parents friends at their house in Lille, but times changed
and, at 16, Leah moved to New York, where she discovered Halloween,
which lit up her passion for fancy dress. Then, five years ago, she

moved to London for a modelling job and so began a love affair with
the UK that is still in its full flush. The theme for her 24th-birthday
party in Corfu last year was Rule Britannia, and it was full-on Brits
abroad, with Freddie Hesketh showing up dressed as a beer. Leah
herself went as Baby Spice, with Alice and Posy Brinkley high-kicking
beside her as Sporty and Scary.

marie-antoinette costume, to hire from 80, at angels. necklace, leahs own

FanCy
pants

shot at twenty two training, sw7 (twentytwotraining.com)

Is there anything more life-affirmingly fun than an overflowing dressing-up box?

These fancy fancy-dress fanatics certainly dont think so. By Tibbs Jenkins

Photographed by DAN BURN-FoRTI

the naylor-leylands
Violets Box may sound saucy, but its the name of Violet Naylor- Leylands
online fancy-dress and vintage-boutique website. Her box (still chuckling)
is a natural progression from a childhood spent swishing about up in
her great-grandmother Joyce Fitzwilliams Dior gowns at her parents
digs, Milton Hall in Cambridgeshire. In fact, the whole Naylor-Leyland
clan has the fancy-dress bug. At elder brother Toms 21st, the entire
family (all six children and parents, Sir Phillip and Lady Isabella)
donned lederhosen and dirndls and filmed themselves as the von Trapps

(complete with musical numbers). Violet, 30, above left, is renowned

for her entrance to Holland Park heir Simon Morrisons 21st. Having
mislaid her suitcase, she turned up to the medieval banquet as Lady
Godiva in only a pair of flesh-coloured knickers. Her steed was a hobby
horse from the local toy shop. Beatrix, 15, above, who is at Heathfield,
prefers to channel Marilyn Monroe. Not that the family is only into
historical figures. Edley, 20, above right, studies geography at UCL. And his
dream theme? Nespresso, of course. Did you know there are 16 flavours?

from left, robot costume, 39.99; clown costume, 29.99; shark costume, 35.95, all by Violets Box. violet wears leather trainers, 397, by
Karl lagerfeld, at selfridges. beatrix wears tights, 12.75, by emilio CaVallini. clown shoes, 15.99, by angels

viscountess glenapp
Most girls dream of big white wedding dresses, but Rebecca Glenapp,
31, dreamt of the outfit she would change into on her wedding night.
On the stroke of midnight, she emerged in front of her 350 guests as
Marie Antoinette in full corset and crinoline, with feathers in her hair.
Who cares that shed already tossed the bouquet and been cheered off
on her honeymoon? She wasnt going to miss the party (she was the one
shouting one more tune as the lights went up her husband Fergus
had to carry her to bed, caveman-style). She co-founded the fashion

site Lux Fix, but her first online venture was WeLoveFancyDress. So
dont be surprised, on popping round for a simple midweek supper in
Shepherds Bush, to find her cooking in Dolly Parton get-up, or in an
oversized pillowcase with a stamp as a mail-order bride. For her 25th,
she swathed herself in bubble wrap an economic bubble from the
Wall Street Crash. Her favourite time of year? Halloween, of course.
Even the food gets a makeover: theres beetroot blood soup, squid-ink
oil slick risotto, and for pudding? Sludge green chocolate mousse. Yum.

cruella de vil costume, 60.99, By Angels. coat, 32,800, By Fendi. suede shoes, 605, By ginA

you might
find her
making supper
in dolly
parton get-up

tati Mercer & Daisy Blount

Tati Mercer, below right, met her wingwoman, Daisy Blount, below
left, both 29, while they were at Marlborough, cementing their
friendship on a trip to Disneyland Paris. On that occasion they drank
only Pepsi, but their repertoire has expanded since Tati launched
Barchick, an online guide to the best bars in London. That Disneyland
trip also confirmed their mutual love of fancy dress, which has seen
them appear as flashing Wonder Women (the LED variety) at Burning
Man and Construction Barbies at Willa Keswicks 21st. Tatis love of

personal transformation is no surprise: her mother Helena used to run

a joke shop, the Part Mental Store, in Oxford and her father Martin
an accountant during the week would pull on his gorilla suit every
Saturday to help behind the tills. Daisy, meanwhile comes from
an Army background her father, Charles Blount, was a colonel in the
Army Air Corps so for her its all about uniforms. But her fall-back
outfit is the Kick-Ass girl an incognito superhero, but no anonymous
wallflower (quite like her brother, James Blunt). (

shot at the jerusalem tavern, ec1. hair by elliot bssila at terri manduca, using
moroccanoil. make-up by rachel jones at terri manduca, using mac cosmetics

from left, Batgirl costume, 29.99; Wonder Woman costume, 29.99, Both By Angels. tati Wears suede Boots, 70, By schuh. daisy Wears suede
Boots, 795, By chArlotte olympiA. for stockists, see address Book

TaT l er f eb ruary 2014

91

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pheW! its the tatler

Illustrated by BoB CoSforD

e are not idiots. We know that Tatler is the

last place you might expect to find a guide to
state schools. But consider this: to put two
children through the private system costs
around 600,000 thats 1.2 million before
tax. And is private really superior? Not always, not any more. The
state sector has some spanking-new buildings, strong discipline,
sporting rigour and academic ambition. Plus, your child gets a better
preparation for the real world, the one where not everything is
handed to them on a sterling-silver platter, where there is a
cosmopolitan mix, where you will have to fight to get to the top. And
best of all, when you do finally get into the Cabinet, everyone will
love you because you didnt go to Eton.
So here they are, the crme de la crme of the British state system.
Do everything you can to get your children a place at one of these
schools you will not regret it.

92 T a T l e r F e B r U a r Y 2 0 1 4

PriMAry ScHoolS
Honeywell Junior ScHool
London, SW11 (honeywelljuniorschool.com)
PuPils 360, aged 711
Lovely name, lovely school. No uniform, lots of sports (head Duncan
Roberts is a keen sportsman) and a happy, bouncy vibe. Honeywells
infant school is for 37-year-olds, the junior school 711, and the two
share a site. Theres hot competition for places: siblings get priority and
then its all about home-to-school proximity last year the magic number
for the infant school was about 750 feet. Theres no automatic right of
transfer from infants to juniors, but its pretty much a given. Pupils hop on
from Honeywell to all the best state schools, as well as the likes of
Emanuel and JAGS. So impressed, says one granny. So many outings
they go everywhere. A parent raves about the amazing artwork too.

state schools guide

Words by AliCE roSE

St M A ry A b b ot S S c H o o l

co l e r i d g e P r i M A ry S c H o o l

London, W8 (sma.rbkc.sch.uk)

London, N8 (coleridgeprimary.net)

PuPils 210, aged 5 11

Best known for being the alma mater of the little Camerons but, says a
mother, their presence hasnt altered the school at all its just a bit of
tinsel. In fact, she adds, the school isnt in a posh phase right now. Its
a tiny, close-knit community, incredibly cosy and very caring we hear
that head Nicola Doyle is an old-fashioned type, like a headmistress
from the Fifties. Its a Church of England primary school: of the
30 reception places up for grabs each year, two are open places
for non-Christians allocated according to straight-line distance
from home to school. To snag a Foundation place, go to St Mary
Abbots Church or Christ Church Kensington a lot: at least twice
a month for the three years before you apply. And get to know
the all-powerful, very charming vicar, Father Gillean he
enjoys a good dinner party, we hear.

PuPils 910, aged 3 11

Its enormous, Coleridge, with a yearly intake (120) to rival those of your
average entire prep school. But the tinies are tucked away in the grand old
West site and the bigger ones in the more rambling East site, with separate
entrances for different year groups so you feel like youre dropping off at
somewhere really rather small, says a mother. Teachers are bright and
funny and incredibly enthusiastic, whipping out a guitar to explain a point,
and getting all the kids romping around in the outdoor classroom in all
weathers. From Year 2 there are meditation and capoeira clubs, and
theres lots of parental involvement and bake sales, which makes it a
proper social hub for the whole of Crouch End if your kids dont
go to Coleridge, you feel left out, were told. The catchment area
is hanky-sized and families move within yards to get in any
further than three or four blocks away and youve got no chance.

TaT l er F eB rUarY 2014

93

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Bentley
C of e
Primary sChool

Surrey (bentleyprimaryschool.co.uk)

m e ys e y h a m P to n
P r i m a ry s C h o o l

Whissendine C of e
P r i m a ry s C h o o l

s C i e n n e s P r i m a ry
sChool

Gloucestershire (meyseyhampton
primaryschool.co.uk)

Rutland (whissendineschool.com)

Edinburgh (sciennes.ik.org)

PuPils 158, aged 4 11

A beacon of exceptional practice
in all areas of its work, says
Ofsted. Its all about the Rs here
respect and resilience and
responsibility, as well as reading,
riting, rithmetic with a great
emphasis on teaching pupils
how to learn in addition to what
to learn. Theres 25 to a class:
Just the right size, says a
mother. Lots of friends and lots
of competition. Head Rob
Gooding is fab you think,
He cant be real, hes too
enthusiastic, but the children
lap it up. The main school
block is a Seventies delight,
but theres a smart new building
for Years 5 and 6 with lots of
shiny glass and breakout rooms
(yes, really) at the back for
independent learning. On the
subject of top Midlands
primaries: theres also Allington
with Sedgebrook Primary a
dazzling school near Grantham.

PuPils 640, aged 4 11

Its pronounced Sheens, but
of course you knew that. This
stonking Victorian building
opened in 1892 with 1,000 pupils;
today, its Edinburghs largest
primary. They manage the size
very well, says a father. The
intake of kids is very good, and
the teachers realise theyve got
something good to work with. Its
a well-educated catchment area
lots of university staff send their
offspring here. Head Mrs Noble is
a serene presence. Shes not
striding about the hallway with a
megaphone. Theres a great
sense of stability and calm about
the place. Sport doesnt get top
billing, but there are lots
of parent-run clubs and great
after-school activities one
pupil we spoke to happily skips
off to bike club after lessons.
Pupils move on to James
Gillespies secondary school in
Edinburgh, among others.

PuPils 215, aged 4 11

There are lots of good primaries
in and around Farnham, but
Bentley is the name that keeps
cropping up in conversation.
Its a community-orientated
school, with a small catchment
area. Everyone knows
everyone, a mother tells us.
Its a really happy place to
be. Former head Phil Callaway
put the school on the map
hes just left after 20-plus years,
but we hear great things about
his successor Katy Pinchess.
Its strong on the academic side,
and theres a huge range
of extracurricular stuff on
offer we like the idea of pupils
turning their hands to fencing.
Its Church of England
the vicar, the Rev
Yann Dubreuil, leads
an assembly once a
week and the
children all adore him.

PuPils 110, aged 411

Top of the Gloucestershire pops.
Deliciously old-fashioned, says
one granny (and grannies know
best). Head Kate Carden is fun
and energetic she plays the
accordion and is universally
admired. She goes above and
beyond in every sense, says a
mother. One pupil enjoyed
Mathletics at her London prep,
so Mrs Carden introduced it at
Meysey Hampton. Each childs
progress is carefully managed.
The concern with state schools
is bigger class sizes, says
another parent. You worry your
child is only learning as fast
as the slowest pupil, but here
children are encouraged to move
on as far as they can.
Unsurprisingly,
given how good this
school is, very few leave at
eight for the countys power
preps.

d oW n to n
C o f e P r i m a ry
sChool

P i d d l e Va l l e y
f i r st s C h o o l

Wiltshire (downton-pri.wilts.sch.uk)

PuPils 84, aged 4 8

In Dorsets rolling hills, some 20
minutes from the sea, the Piddle
Valley is enchanting. And this
is a sensational village school
its teeny-tiny but packs a
powerful punch. Ofsted awarded
it outstanding in every single
category in its report in 2012.
Head Tracy Jones is brilliant
loved by the teachers, loved by
the pupils and teaching is superb.
Theres a fabulous range of
after-school clubs arts, sports,
even the ukulele and a really
passionate PTA that works
tirelessly to raise money for
extra equipment and trips and,
on one occasion, a circus.
I cant speak highly enough of it,
says a mum. I feel really lucky
that my children are there. A few
pupils peel off to local preps,
but most march on to St Marys
Middle School in Puddletown
and then to Thomas Hardye
School in Dorchester.

PuPils 186, aged 4 11

Yes, Julian Fellowes did borrow
the name for Downton Abbey,
but no, theres no abbey here.
Downton is a biggish village on
the edge of Salisbury, so this
is a biggish school. Wonderful,
says a parent. The teaching is
fantastic and theres great
emphasis on good manners and
treating each other with respect.
Theyre hot on developing the
whole child: its marvellous
on music (the school choir
is excellent) and good on sport
(no boy gets enough sport in
the state system is the opinion
of one parent). Were informed
that Downton has a delightful
school-gate crowd of super
supermums.The most able boys
go on to Bishop Wordsworths,
girls to South Wilts. As one
mother told us: If you have a
good primary, its silly not
to use it.

94 T a T l e r F e B r U a r Y 2 0 1 4

Dorset (piddlevalley.dorset.sch.uk)

m a rto n - C u m - G r a f to n P r i m a ry s C h o o l
North Yorkshire (marton-cum-grafton.n-yorks.sch.uk)
PuPils 77, aged 4 11
The epitome of a village primary school, surrounded by massive
playing fields and flocks of sheep but only 15 miles from the
centre of York and that super-speedy London train service. Martoncum-Grafton celebrated its 150th anniversary in 2011 its
still in the original Victorian building, with a swanky modern extension.
Pupils rave about Mr Pennys chicken korma, and the weekly
gardening club in the school vegetable patch. We like the sound of
the annual whole-school panto trip, and Ice Cream Fridays in
summer. Pupils bounce on to the best independents in Yorkshire
(Aysgarth, Cundall Manor, St Olaves) and local states like Ripon
Grammar and St Aidans in Harrogate. Plenty of yummy mummies
at the school gate: Very sociable, says one mother; very cakey,
says another (we think she means they have lots of bake sales
sounds good to us).

seCondary sChools

h o l l a n d Pa r k s C h o o l
London, W8 (hollandparkschool.co.uk)

PHOTOGRAPHS: REx FEATURES, MARTON-CUM-GRAFTON.ORG, AEDAS ARCHITECTS

PuPils 1,392 boys and girls, aged 1118

In its Sixties and Seventies heyday, Holland Park was the school of choice
for the champagne socialist Tony Benn sent his children here and Anjelica
Huston, below right, was a pupil. It took a nosedive in the Nineties, but is
back on song thanks to dynamic head Colin Hall, with 70.2 per cent
A*B at A-level last year (up from 38.3 per cent in 2008). Mr Hall
describes his school as a vibrant, energetic place, not for the
faint-hearted. Around 1,150 apply for 240 places, and theres a wide
mix of abilities. Applicants sit tests and are graded into four bands;
25 per cent are admitted from each band. If you live more than a
mile from the school gates, chances of getting a place are pretty
small, but there are 24 art-aptitude places. Last year, they opened a
new 80m building with a competition-sized swimming pool.

h e n r i e t ta
Ba r n e t t s C h o o l

st m a ry l e B o n e
C of e sChool

London, NW11 (hbschool.org.uk)

London, W1 (stmaryleboneschool.com)

PuPils 717 girls, aged 1118

Outstanding, says a London
public school head (Ofsted
agrees). Very academic, says
a mother (over 95 per cent A*B
at A-level last year). The highest
performing state school in the
country, says The Sunday Times.
HBS is super-selective: bright
sparks sit exams in English,
maths and numerical and verbal
reasoning; approximately 2,100
apply each year for 93 Year 7
places. For those lucky 93,
theres a superb all-round
education in a lovely, Grade-II
listed Lutyens building. Fab
facilities, too: check out the new
multimillion-pound science
wing and the double AstroTurf
outside. Very socially and
ethnically diverse... strong music
department... sport definitely
not a strong point, says a former
pupil in summary, she says,
fairly intense. Well say.

PuPils 1,080 girls, aged

1118; mixed sixth form
The Oratory (all-boys, Catholic,
Kensington) gets all the attention,
the Blairs and the Cleggs. But
you practically have to have the
Pope on speed-dial to get a
place, so wed rather shine the
spotlight on St Marylebones,
alma mater of Lily Cole, below
right, and Naomie Harris. Its a
brilliant, all-singing, all-dancing
(performing arts are a speciality)
comprehensive and the girls feel
lucky to be here, a parent tells
us. SMS is a Church of England
school: 60 per cent of pupils
are C of E, but all faiths are
welcomed. There are lectures
from the likes of Sir Mervyn King.
Only one PE lesson a week,
but, says a pupil, if youre into
sport, you can do loads. After
school, girls congregate in
Starbucks for hot chocolate,
or hoof around by the
fountains in Regents Park.

W e st lo n d o n f r e e
sChool

tiffin sChool

London, W6 (westlondon
freeschool.co.uk)

PuPils 1,100 boys,

aged 1118
Good old-fashioned grammarschool roots and a privateschool feel check out those
stripy blazers. Around 1,840
boys sit the 11-plus for 150
places. No catchment area, so
pupils come from as far afield as
Surrey, Ealing and Wimbledon.
Head Hilda Clarke (very
dedicated, very organised, takes
no prisoners and sets high
aspirations, says a mother)
advises parents to look
elsewhere if their boys journey
to school will take longer than an
hour, because theres so much
commitment to extracurriculars
like music (Tiffin Boys Choir
is world-famous) and
sport. Its a bit scruffy,
says another mother, but
of all the schools we
looked at, this was the
one that spoke to me.
Jonny Lee Miller, right, is
one notable alumnus.

PuPils 360 boys and

girls (full capacity: 840),
aged 1118
Toby Youngs WLFS has swiftly
established itself as the most
oversubscribed school in
Hammersmith and Fulham,
with 10 applicants for every place.
Siblings get priority for the 120
spaces on offer, with the remainder
allocated by lottery according to
proximity. There are 12 music
scholarships too. The USP is a
classical liberal education, with
small classes, strong discipline and
a rigorous academic curriculum.
Latin is compulsory up to 14.
Head Sam Naismith is a former
England international hockey
coach: Hes like a grammar-school
head, says a mother. Firm
without being dictatorial. Pupils
range from the children of
successful authors to Kurdish
immigrants, plus lots of middleclass Euros and the odd lord.

Surrey (tiffinschool.co.uk)

C h e rW e l l s C h o o l
Oxford (cherwell.oxon.sch.uk)
PuPils 1,875 boys and girls, aged 1118
Cherwell used to be one of the great underachievers surprising, given
its Oxford catchment area and location, three streets north of the Dragon
and three streets south of Summer Fields, smack in the heart of affluent,
professional Summertown. But the school is now going great guns under
head Paul James, whos been in situ since 2010 he was assistant
head at Magdalen College School during Andrew Halls reign there
(AH has since leapt on to be the fabulously successful head of
Kings College School, Wimbledon). Cherwell is a huge school
across two sites, with ever-improving results (61 per cent A*-B at
A-level in 2013), and an Oxbridge haul of 15 pupils (seven per
cent) that a lot of independents would kill for. Yasmin Le Bon, right,
is a former pupil. The soundbite here is a centre of opportunity.
Making and taking opportunities to learn and be successful is at
the heart of what we do, says Mr James.

TaT l er F eB rUarY 2014

95

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c r a n b ro o k S c h o o l
Kent (cranbrookschool.co.uk)
PuPils 823 boys and girls, aged 1318 (257 boarding)
Kent is positively bursting with good grammar schools. Parents sing the
praises of the Judd School, Tonbridge Grammar and St Olaves, but
the Kent school that really stands out is Cranbrook, the only stategrammar co-ed day and boarding school in the country. The
schools preferred area runs to a 5.3-mile radius. Day pupils go
free, of course; the 250 boarders pay about 11,000 a year a snip
when you look at the results (78 per cent A*B at A-level last
year, with an impressive Oxbridge tally) and facilities. One former
student is comedian Harry Hill, right. Sports are formidable: they
field teams against independent and grammar schools across
the South-East every week. As youd expect, its selective
and oversubscribed, with three applicants for every place
but, hey, worth a shot?

ro b e rt m ay S
School

da m e a l i c e
oW e n S S c h o o l

Hampshire (rmays.
hants.sch.uk)

Hertfordshire (damealiceowens.
herts.sch.uk)

PuPils 1,200 boys

and girls, aged 1116
Its no coincidence that house
prices are through the roof in the
Odiham area Robert Mays
catchment area encompasses
all the top villages, including
Hampshire gems Upton Grey,
Hartley Wintney and Long
Sutton, which sound like
figments of John Betjemans
imagination. Results are
spot on (84 per cent A*C
at GCSE in 2012) and the
school boasts numerous
county, regional and national
representatives in sports,
ranging from badminton to
equestrianism. Without a doubt,
the most outstanding secondary
school in the Basingstoke
area, says one mother. It has
the ethos of a private school,
and people literally sell their
kidneys to be in this catchment.
She exaggerates, we assume.

PuPils 1,451 boys and

girls, aged 1118
The golden ticket for Islington
parents, with excellent facilities
and a smart campus. The
admissions procedure is
mind-boggling. Siblings get
priority, then 65 of the 200
places are allocated according
to ability, determined by exam. In
addition, 10 places are awarded
for musical aptitude and a further
20 to children from Islington
(where the school was founded).
Then the catchment area kicks
in. Academically, its stellar
30 Oxbridge places last year. Its
very meritocratic the message
is if you work hard, you can
achieve and a very kind place
too. Music is pitch perfect. The
schools recent 400th-anniversary
concert was at the Royal Albert
Hall. We dont do school concerts,
sniffed the Albert Hall; Neither
do we, said the school.

96 T a T l e r F e B r U a r Y 2 0 1 4

P e t e r Sy m o n d S
Sixth-form
co l l e g e

bourne grammar

Hampshire (psc.ac.uk)

PuPils 1,188 boys and

girls, aged 1118
Head Jonathan Maddox
encourages his pupils to be
competitive, not just academically
but on the sports fields as well,
and theres great emphasis on
independent learning they
learn early on that they must be
organised at all times, were told.
Emphasis, too, on future job
prospects: one wannabe barrister
is a regular in the public gallery of
Peterborough law courts. Bourne
is very popular: for September
2014 entry, more than 460 pupils
sat the 11-plus tests for 224
places. The catchment area has
recently been widened because
the school is expanding to meet
parental demand. Children of
air vice-marshals to farmers,
says a mother, rich or poor, it
seems very happy and everyone
seems to live in harmony, with no
snobbery and very little bullying.
Educational nirvana.

PuPils 3,680 boys and

girls, aged 1619
PS is a super-sized, superpopular, super-successful
sixth-form college, which attracts
applicants from many of the
best independents for the breadth
of A-level subjects it offers
and its sensational Oxbridge
record (48 last year). Previous
students include Ben Ainslie
and Alexa Chung, below right.
Its non-selective, and theres no
catchment area, but first dibs on
places goes to students who are
local and/or attend PSs partner
schools. Pupils come from
all over Hampshire, Berkshire
and Wiltshire and it also
happens to be the official sixth
form of the Falkland Islands.
An insider sums it up: A very
respectable powerhouse. An
honourable mention to Kings
Winchester, which takes
pupils up to the age of 16.

Lincolnshire (bourne-grammar.
lincs.sch.uk)

S i r W i l l i a m b o r l a S e S g r a m m a r S c h o o l
Buckinghamshire (swbgs.com)
PuPils 1,031 boys and girls, aged 1118
Girls turn down places at Wycombe Abbey to go to Borlases. You
are swept up by the sense of pride the pupils have in their school,
says a parent. Head Dr Peter Holding has been at the helm since 1997
and teaches every child during their first year. Entry is selective:
prospective pupils sit the Bucks County Council tests, with more than
four applicants for every place at 11-plus those living within the
catchment area get priority. The academic results are exceptional
83 per cent A*B at A-level last year with particular strength in maths
and the sciences. Sport is also outstanding: the hockey club was
coached by members of the GB Olympic team and the rowing club
compete internationally. Theres also a brilliant equestrian team.
Oh, and superlative performing arts too a pupil is one of the current
leads in the West End production of Billy Elliot.

ADDITIONAL REPORTING: SOPHIE HARRISON. PHOTOGRAPHS: REx FEATURES, MORLEY vON STERNBERG. OPENING ILLUSTRATION: BOB GOSFORD AT EYEDREAMPICTURES.CO.UK

h i l l S roa d S i x t h f o r m co l l e g e

Wymondham
co l l e g e

gillingham
School

Cambridge (hrsfc.ac.uk)

Norfolk (wymondhamcollege.org)

Dorset (gillingham.dorset.sch.uk)

PuPils 2,000 boys and girls,

aged 1619
Remember that Sutton Trust
report a couple of years ago
about the top five feeders to
Oxbridge? Westminster, Eton,
St Pauls, St Pauls Girls...
and shock horror a state
sixth-form college called Hills
Road. One mum says that its
hard to find a bad state school
in Cambridge, given its gene
pool, but Hills Road is a very,
very good one. The sheer size is
quite daunting and pupils are
expected to organise their own
time and be self-motivated. Long
hours, a LOT of homework, no
hand-holding and that sense
of being a little fish in a big
pond, a former pupil tells us.
The catchment area is large
and there are some places for
out-of-area applicants. Students
can wear what they like. And
they do, says a mother.
Its university in microcosm.

PuPils 1,323 boys and girls,

aged 1118 (650 boarding)
The largest state-maintained
boarding school in the country
and alma mater of MP Stephen
Byers, below right. Boarding
makes the place, says head
Melvyn Roffe. Its nicely flexi and
theyve recently invested 6.5m
on an extension to the sixth-form
boarding house, so every
Year 13 student has an ensuite
bathroom. Great preparation
for university it feels like a
small Oxbridge college, says
Mr Roffe. They achieved
62 per cent A*B at A-level last
year, with most going to their
first choice of university,
impressive considering
that theres no academic
selection. Theres no
catchment area either
anyone with an EU
passport can apply, so
its popular with expats
and Forces families.

PuPils 823 boys and girls,

aged 1118
Up a country lane in deepest
Devon, Colyton was ranked top
of all state and independent
schools at Key Stage 4 by the
Department for Education last
year. Intense competition for
places: pupils sit a three-part
11-plus entrance exam, with more
than 500 applicants for 120
places. Pupils take GCSEs a
year early, and then spend three
years on four A-levels, as well
as general studies, critical
studies and the Extended
Project Qualification. A place
here is the equivalent of
winning the lottery.

PuPils 1,779 boys and

girls, aged 1118
Gillingham has orchards and
lots of wide open spaces
for pupils to let off steam.
Theres no entrance exam, so
students are a mixed-ability,
mixed-background bunch.
Theres a healthy, positive feel
about the school, says one staff
member, and its an excellent
preparation for the real world.
Sixth-formers are treated like
adults they experience the
challenges that arise from a big,
mixed school, says a mother.
Theres a huge range of
extracurricular activities and
lunchtime clubs, and stacks of
trips (Barcelona, Belgium,
skiing). Great sporting prowess
too (Less good for the girls,
whispers one pupil): the
under-17 cricket team
were national champions in
2012, beating schools like
Dulwich College.

e r m ySt e d S
grammar School

n o rt h b e rW i c k
high School

Wiltshire (bws.wilts.sch.uk)

North Yorkshire (ermysteds.

n-yorks.sch.uk)

East Lothian (edubuzz.org/

northberwickhigh)

PuPils 915 boys, aged 1118

So smart its almost like a public
school, says a mother. Bishop
Wordsworths is Salisburys hot
ticket for boys; girls head to South
Wilts Grammar. Anyone within a
reasonable travelling area can
apply for one of the 120 places;
around 300 sit the 11-plus and
places are allocated according
to whether boys live in the
designated area (65 per cent do),
whether they are from a Forces
family and whether they have a
brother at the school. Boys
achieve fantastic things year in,
year out, says head Stuart
Smallwood 74 per cent A*B at
A-level last year. Ralph Fiennes,
right, is an alumnus. There is a
choice of 32 A-level subjects
(shared teaching with South
Wilts girls for some). The
standard of rugby is sky-high,
and theyre Sherbornes
biggest rivals on the pitches.

PuPils 809 boys, aged 1118

Boys come to Ermysteds from
a wide range of backgrounds
Dales farming families to
City stockbrokers to factory
workers, says a mother, It
is a true meritocracy and very
competitive. Its a selective
grammar school: boys sit the
11-plus in September for the
112 places available the top
28 per cent get in, with priority
going to those in the schools
catchment area. The academic
results are excellent (72 per
cent A*B at A-level in 2013);
its first-rate on sports, especially
rugby and cross country.
Theres a wealth of clubs and
extracurricular activities and the
boys get together with Skipton
Girls High for drama. We also
hear terrific things about Ripon
Grammar, a similarly outstanding
state grammar which offers
some boarding.

PuPils 953 boys and girls,

aged 1218
James Gillespies and Broughton
have strong reputations, but
North Berwick High, in terribly
posh East Lothian, is one of
the best performing schools in
Scotland. It has a great
academic record and tip-top
sport they play many of the
local independents, have
established links with local clubs
and in 2011 a pupil won a
basketball scholarship to
America. Professional golfer
Catriona Matthew, below
right, is a former pupil. The
music department is well
respected and drama is
popular. Parents speak
highly of the pastoral care.
An impressive school well
served by a good catchment
area, says the head of a
leading Scottish prep. Cant
say fairer than that. (

biShoP
Wo r d S Wo rt h S
School

St J o h n S
m a r l b o ro u g h
Wiltshire (stjohns.wilts.sch.uk)
PuPils 1,700 boys and
girls, aged 1118
The joke around Marlborough is
that St Johns is now so smart its
changing the pronunciation of
its name to Sinjuns to reflect its
newly posh identity. Head Dr
Patrick Hazlewood has spruced
things up: the school moved to a
new campus with state-of-the-art
facilities in 2009. Its not selective,
and (naturally) its oversubscribed
the strict admissions policy
boils down to straight-line
distance between a pupils home
and the school. St Johns has a
great working relationship with
Marlborough College, which calls
it an excellent day school.

co ly to n
grammar School
Devon (colytongrammar.devon.sch.uk)

TaT l er F eB rUarY 2014

97

horsing around

Satin top, poa;

Satin Skirt, poa, both
by John Galliano.
SunglaSSeS, poa, by
Stella Mccartney.
bridle, oScarS own

98 T a T l e r f e b r u a r y 2 0 1 4

i have no idea what i am doing

here. i thought they said dressage...

Photographed by rebekka ehlers

Styled by deep kailey

suede boots, 1,055,

by pierre hardy.
brushing boot,
luminosos own

left, Wool Suit

Jacket, 495; Wool
tuxedo trouSerS,
190; egyptian
cotton Shirt, 125,
all by The Kooples.
Silk tie, 120, by
Dior homme.
leather ShoeS, 495,
by pierre harDy.
body bruSh, 22.95,
by harroDs. right,
neoprene & pearl
dreSS, 2,860, by
simone rocha.
leather ShoeS, 170,
by lK BenneTT.
bridle, aS before

luminoso wears,
from left, wool
Jumper, 635; Cotton
trousers, 295, both
by Just Cavalli.
Cotton Jumper, 170,
by DKNY. Cotton top,
355, by MissoNi.
Crepe & neoprene
trousers, poa, by
RolaND MouRet.
silk skirt, 829, by
MissoNi. silk top,
1,430, by HeRMes

embroidered Wool
dress, 3,280;
embroidered Wool
skirT, 1,600; suede &
crysTal heels, 830,
all by PraDa.
leaTher bag, 1,060,
by louis Vuitton

Wool Trousers, 645,

by Daks. silk crop
Top, 150, by Milly.
leaTher riding crop,
600, by HerMes

Cotton & nylon

BreeChes, 475;
leather Boots, 840,
Both By Gucci.
Jumper, 405, By
SportMax. VelVet
riding hat, 119,
By chaMpion hatS,
at harrodS

Leather ShoeS,
495, by Jimmy Choo.
Knitted LegwarmerS,
190, by Prada.
horSeShoe,
jupiterS own

lambskin gloves,
668; pearl, glass &
metal bracelet,
821, both by chanel

Leather & Suede

Coat, 5,050; Cotton
tightS, 165; patent
bootS, 809, aLL
by Miu Miu.
jupiterS Coat, hiS
own. for StoCkiStS,
See addreSS book
hair by federiCo
ghezzi at CLm hair &
make-up, uSing
bumbLe and bumbLe.
make-up by karina
ConStantine at CLm
hair & make-up, uSing
givenChy. modeLS,
Sarah diCk at modeLS
1 & CaLLum baLL at
d1 modeLS. horSeS,
CourteSy of the
Stampede Stunt
Company (Stampede
StuntCompany.Co.uk).
Shot on the
gaddeSden eState,
hertfordShire
(gaddeSdeneState.
Co.uk). produCtion,
tomaSina LebuS.
faShion aSSiStant,
emma SimmondS

Grave

Photographed by HUGO BURNAND

matters
Dont go away! Welcome to the all-singing,
all-dancing Tatler funeral special. We have the fresh
young funeral directors shaking up the industry, we
have Emma Freud on how to make the worst day the
best day possible, we have the very smartest burial
grounds and we have Sophie Caruth and her
surprisingly still-alive mother. You are going to have
to think about it one day, so it might as well be now

Jill and
Sophie Caruth

TaT l er F eB rUarY 2014

111

ophie Caruth recalls the

exact moment in the summer
of 2012 when she realised
something had to be done
about the British way of
death. Her mother, Jill, had
been struck down by an
aggressive form of blood
cancer and her readings were so far off the
chart that doctors told her just to get her
affairs in order.
Jill, a determined 80-year-old of no abiding
religious faith, had been to her share of funerals
over the years. She didnt want a hearse and
limousines, or floral tributes spelling MUM
in peonies, or granite-faced men in cod
Victorian frock coats twirling sticks around
her expensively coffined corpse.
So she popped into a funeral parlour in
Chelsea and her instructions were clear:
she wanted to prepay to have her corpse
picked up from her house or the hospice in
a body bag and then cremated without her
family present. They could have a party later,
if they chose.
But the problem was that the undertaker
absolutely wouldnt do it. In Britains
multimillion-pound funeral industry, there
is very little provision for people who
simply want to have their mortal remains
hygienically incinerated.
Jill ventured south of the river in search
of help and went as far as Balham, but they
wouldnt do it there either. They offered
various funeral plans, with comfy coffins and
brass-style handles. They really couldnt have
been nicer but no, they couldnt help with
what she wanted because, well, there is no
money in that.
I was rather shocked when my mother
showed me the biscuit tin she had taken along
to the funeral places for them to put her

ashes in, Sophie recalls, before adding that,

as a Scotswoman, her mother had selected
a very decent brand of shortbread for her final
earthly journey.
Outraged at the baseline quote of 3,750
for services her mother did not want, Sophie
took up the case and, while scouring the
internet, learned that direct cremation
had become popular on the west coast of
America, and this eventually led her to
a young woman called Poppy Mardall.
Poppy, 30, cuts an unusual figure in the
British funeral trade. A fine-art graduate who
grew up on the Isle of Wight, she worked
for four years in the 20th-century British art
department at Sothebys. Three years ago her
father had a cancer scare and she reappraised
her life, quit her job at the auction house and
went backpacking in West Africa. (Her father
recovered.) She came home gravely ill with
typhoid and, recuperating at home in south
London, planned the next phase of her life.
Because of her fathers illness, she thought
about the mechanisms of bereavement and
wondered about the funeral business. By her
own admission, she was entirely unqualified
to do so, never having run a business of her own
indeed, she had never actually seen a body.
So she persuaded staff at a mortuary to let
her watch them clean and dress a corpse. She
discovered how bodies leak, how the toes of
the dead turn down like a ballerinas, so you
have to allow a couple of extra inches for the
coffin. You get used to dealing with bodies
ridiculously quickly, says Poppy. I regard it as
a bit like babysitting. You are looking after the
body on behalf of the family.
She now rents space in the Fulham municipal
mortuary but will only do the bare minimum
in preparing the body and does not offer
embalming. Ive never been one of those
people who are fascinated with bodies, who

want to do faces with make-up, or dress them

in pink frocks, she says. Poppys Funerals is
deliberately informal. Instead of using a hearse,
she carts the coffins around in a Mercedes Vito
van emblazoned with the company name.
She wont wear black funeral garb and favours
smart trousers and a bright-turquoise top.
She offers a direct-cremation service
whereby, for 1,750, she picks up the body,
pays the crematorium to burn it and returns
the ashes to the family for a simple wake.
Her clients are thus spared the horrors of a
municipal crematorium: the black-limousine
gridlock and the awkward hanging around as
the family in the preceding 20-minute slot
listen to the final few bars of My Way. But if
they want to attend the crematorium, or opt
for a burial, Poppy will arrange that too.
A funeral is the purest example of what
retail analysts call a distress purchase. Before
having a baby, buying a car or planning a
wedding, we think how we want to do it and
we shop around. With funerals, however, we
generally take what we are offered. When
someone we love dies, we stagger in grief from
the hospital past the conveniently positioned
funeral parlour. Usually, it will have a cosy
old-world name and the & Sons suffix may
well conceal the fact that it is not a family
business at all but a unit of one of the large
funeral providers such as Dignity, a listed
and highly profitable company that controls
11.2 per cent of the market. Dignity is
buying up more and more private crematoria,
where the margins for the burning of bodies
are high.
The chances are that the body of your
beloved will probably not be dealt with in the
high street but taken to a hub mortuary,
where it will be processed as briskly and
efficiently as a battery-raised chicken. You
need a licence to open a cattery in Britain,

SOPHIE CARUTH WEARS SILK DRESS, 2,310, BY JASON WU, AT BROWNS. HAIR & MAKE-UP BY RACHEL JONES AT TERRI MANDUCA, USING KIEHLS SKIN RESCUER.
PHOTOGRAPHS: SHUTTERSTOCK, GETTY IMAGES. PROPS BY GREATHIRE.CO.UK. RETOUCHING BY HAPPY FINISH. previous page, PHOTOGRAPHS: ISTOCK, SHUTTERSTOCK

says Charles Cowling, but you can leave

prison after serving 15 years for necrophilia
and set up as an undertaker the very next day.
Cowling, a retired schoolmaster who serves
as a celebrant at funerals and runs the nonprofit Good Funeral Guide website, thinks
the lack of pricing transparency allows big
firms like Dignity and the Co-op to charge
high fees on the bereaved. No prices appear on
the website for Dignity, merely an outline of
services and the suggestion that you ring an
0800 number to speak to a sales operative.
Cowling says that, in his experience, Dignity
charges up to 1,000 more for a funeral than
independent operators, but Dignity disputes
this and says its average charges, at around
3,500, are in line with the rest of the industry.
Still, the costs of a British funeral are absurdly
high, though Cowling does concede that
most undertakers and their staff are decent,
diligent people. But he points out that in
San Diego, California, it is possible to have a
no-frills direct cremation for the equivalent
of 416, whereas in Britain it cannot be done
for less than 1,100. (The simple fee for the
cremation of a body, without a service, can be
as much as 800.)
For an increasing minority, it is not a
question of money, but of style. A few years
ago, Nick Gandon set up the direct-cremation
service Simplicita Cremations, in Lytham
St Annes, as a sort of Ryanair upstart to take
on the established chains. Gandon thought
it would appeal to the cash-strapped of the
north-west, but he finds that its actually
architects, lawyers and actors who are most
drawn to the idea of a stripped-down service
including cremation starting at 1,200.
It is the simplicity they want, not the low
price, and he is now doing 200 to 250 direct
cremations a year. Poppy Mardall and Nick
Gandon are providing a type of funeral
service that belatedly takes account of a more
secular society, one in which we expect to
control our own lives, including the manner
of our departure.
It was only when Jill Caruth thought she
was dying that she and Sophie sat down and
discussed the obsequies. Sophie has since
determined that she too wants the same sort
of direct cremation when her time comes,
and her children approve in turn.
Strangely, magnificently and much to the
bafflement of her doctors, Jill Caruth has made
an astounding recovery, somehow dodging
the cancer that, just 18 months ago, seemed
certain to kill her. So the shortbread tin
has been packed away in the cupboard for
now but Jill is still determined that when
her time arrives, the tin will come into its
own again. Stephen Robinson

DONT FORGET THE

CAKE: THE FREUD
GUIDE TO FUNER ALS
This is the key fact every burial involves
over 1,000 decisions that have to be
made by the organiser during the worst
five days of his or her life. The first time
I helped to organise a funeral, I found it
baffling, terrifying, weird, overwhelming,
devastating and incredibly important
a very bad mixture. The second time, I
kept thinking, Its easier now I wish
I had understood all this before. The
third time, I was beginning to feel like
something of an expert. Its an odd
topic, but one that most of us end up
investigating at some point... So please
dont bother to read this article now, but
if youre ever called upon to arrange
the burial of someone you love, dig it out
and take it in. It may help. If only for the
little cake idea at the end.

THE FUNERAL DIRECTOR

It all starts with your Funeral Director

not someone youll have on speed dial.
The doctor/ambulance will probably give
you a name or youll suddenly remember
that youve seen one near you and thought,
Ill never go there while Im alive. Alas,
one day, you probably will. Soon after
the death, you need to chat everything
through with the funeral people. Its an
important, though brief, relationship
and if you dont like the company when
you meet them, you can change. I did
this once. I was terrified that it would
be complicated like changing schools
mid-term because you fancy a different
headmaster but in fact it was really easy.
They moved the body without any fuss,
handed over the paperwork and no one
shouted at me for changing my mind.
The first meeting with the Funeral
Director takes forever, ticking off the first
100 of those 1,000 decisions. Where do
you want the service, what time should it
be, how many cars, cremation or burial,
pine or oak, chrome handles or goldpainted ones, live music or taped, will
anyone be visiting the body, do you want
the corpse to have make-up, etc etc and
then etc and etc and you have to make

up the answers on the spot, as though you

had an opinion. All this at a time when
you may well be feeling that your world has
ended and you no longer actually exist.
What I didnt know the first time was that
if you ask, they will often come and do the
Big Questions Chat in your own house.
This is about 200 times nicer than doing it
in their office. You can drink your own tea.
Sit in your own chair. It helps a bit.

THE ORDER OF SERVICE

THE NIGHT BEFORE

This invariably becomes the emotional

focus of the week. It needs to be a collective
effort and is probably the moment when family
tensions emerge in that lovely dysfunctional
way that only a close death can inspire. It is
important to reconcile yourself to a little
compromise... If you dont like only the
typeface and one of the hymns, its a big win.
For my dad, we had a few jokes (the front
page said, Clement Freud. Born 1924. Best
Before 2009). For my mother-in-law, we
had photographs. For my father-in-law, we
kept it formal. For my hippie friend, it was
a party on a page. Whatever you do, the
congregation is going to be staring at it for
the best part of an hour, so make it special.
And whoever ends up delivering the eulogy
needs more love and support than you can
possibly imagine. Its a massive and terrifying
job summing up an entire existence in
five minutes while standing next to a dead
person in a box.

The night before the funeral, a family

supper with just the closest relatives is where
the real talking/grieving/crying/laughing/
consoling gets done. Comfort food and beer
and wine and memories. Strangely, it can
be a very good night like a team bonding
before facing a big match the next day.

4 THE FLOWERS

Theres a traditional tyranny-by-flowers

in operation at many funerals. If you dont
express a strong opinion and instead let the
chapel sort it, you may find yourself staring
at one huge urn (why always an urn?) filled
TaT l er F eB rUarY 2014

113

I have ever met), we spent all the flower

money on little pots that had been planted
with white daffodils (she died during a
February). We used the potted plants to line
both the path into the church and the length
of the aisle then we brought them back
to the house after the service to decorate
the house, and at the end of the wake, we
gave one to each guest to take home, plant
in their own garden and remember her
by. Turns out you can actually say quite
a lot with flowers.

THE COFFIN TOPPERS

(I dont know if thats the official name

but you know what I mean...) Something
on top of the coffin is nice. Ned Sherrin had
his ancient leather Gladstone bag. My activist
friend Solly Kaye had the communist flag.
I asked the people on Twitter if they had seen
any good toppers... A friend of Dom Jolys
had a bowl of his favourite food hummus.
One lady had her best hat on the coffin, and
the rest of her millinery collection hung at the
ends of each pew lining the aisle of the church.
Sam Nashs grandfather raced bangers, so they
stuck the number 23 on the side of the coffin.

Other unusuals included a coffin carrying a

bottle of Guinness and a bag of crisps, a
lottery card, a New York Times crossword,
a pair of flip-flops, a rugby shirt, a framed
photo of Elvis, knitted flowers (the deceased
didnt like waste), a perfect sheaf of wheat for
a farmer and a bunch of bananas for someone
who had particularly enjoyed his fruit.

6 THE MUSIC

This is what you get if you dont request

otherwise... an organist doing inoffensive
classical vamping as the guests arrive in order
to deaden the noise of the congregations
sniffing. If your loved ones favourite track
actually was Elgars Nimrod, then stick
with it. But if they would have hated the
muted organ tones as much as the rest of us,
do something different. For one ceremony,
we booked a New Orleans funeral jazz
band they played brilliant, slow, soulful,
atmospheric songs outside the church as
the guests arrived, then came to the wake
an hour later to play more upbeat brassy
classics in the garden while everyone got as
drunk as was humanly possible. Another time,
we had a playlist of the deceaseds favourite

PHOTOGRAPHS: ISTOCK, ALAMY

with ugly chrysanthemums that have taken

your entire budget and will give no one any
joy. But this bit can be personal too...
At my fathers funeral, we decided not to
bother with flowers at all, as he had always
hated them (along with chewing gum,
perfume, music, Dr Scholls sandals, garlic
and Nicholas Parsons. Odd bloke). Just
before it was too late, we remembered that
the one bloom he had any time for was the
forget-me-not and, fabulously, he died
bang in the middle of the pitifully short
forget-me-not season. So we ordered a massive
bunch of these tiny blue blossoms, which
covered the whole of the coffin and on top
of this huge bed of flowers we put the teddy
bear with which he always travelled.
For my sister-in-laws funeral, we filled the
church with jam jars, teacups, teapots and
Kilner jars bursting with multicoloured wild
flowers. As soon as anyone entered the church,
they knew that this girl was an amazingly
free spirit and remembered that her hair was
mostly dyed all the colours of the rainbow. For
my mother-in-law, who loved her garden
more than she loved her children (and she
loved her children more than any mother

t h e B e St e I G h t p l ac e S to B e B u r I e d
HIGHGATE
CEMETERy, N6

ST MARyS CHURCH,
SWINBROOK

KENSAl GREEN
CEMETERy, N6

Overgrown vines,
knotted branches, vast
gates. Start thinking of
your tombstone design
now: size matters here.
Your neighbours Karl
Marx, Christina Rossetti
and Ralph Miliband.
Dig deep Single burial
plots start at 6,655 for
a 50-year lease. (After
this, the cemetery no
longer maintains the
grave.) Single plots are
now rare, so its more
likely youll be looking at
double plots, which
start at 9,075. You can
book a plot in advance
only if youre over 80,
are terminally ill or own
burial rights in another
grave at the cemetery.

High in the Malvern Hills,

with a view of the Severn
Plain, youll be on top of
the world.
Your neighbours
Sir Edward Elgar and
his family.
Dig deep Theres no set
tariff for a burial here
each interment is taken on
a case-by-case basis, with
fees waived altogether if
necessary. Only bona fide
parishioners are eligible.

Slap bang in the middle of

one of the Cotswolds
prettiest villages, this place
is terribly U.
Your neighbours Four
Mitford sisters Nancy,
Unity, Diana and Pamela
and their parents.
Dig deep A burial here
costs 286, plus the price
of permission to have a
memorial stone (around
117). To be eligible, you
have to either: live in the
parishes of Asthall,
Swinbrook or Widford; be
a regular worshipper in one
of their churches; or have
a close link to the parishes
eg, you, your parents or
your grandparents used to
live there or are buried
in the churchyard.

One for the power players.

Its a stones throw from
Blenheim Palace and close
to Chipping Norton.
Your neighbours Sir
Winston Churchill and
his family.
Dig deep The churchyard
is officially closed. There
are, however, reserved
spaces for the Duke of
Marlboroughs immediate
family. Ali SpencerChurchills still single...

With 72 acres of grounds,

two conservation areas and
an adjoining canal, this is the
most picturesque graveyard
in town.
Your neighbours
Anthony Trollope, William
Makepeace Thackeray
and Wilkie Collins.
Dig deep Morning
appointments are available
every weekday and you will
be driven around the site in
the company car (snazzy)
to choose your burial plot.
Prices start at 2,600 (with
no lease limit) for a standard
grave, plus an additional fee
of 1,000 for digging. There
are roughly 200 graves still
available and the cemetery
is currently in the process
of expanding.

highgate-cemetery.org;
020 8347 2471

saint-wulstans.org.uk;
01684 574658

burfordchurch.org;
01993 822275

achurchnearyou.com;
01993 811415

kensalgreencemetery.com;
020 8968 4016

ST WUlSTANS,
lITTlE MAlvERN

ST MARTINS
CHURCH, BlADON

pop songs, which we played at the

beginning and end of the service, though
we omitted Another One Bites the
Dust. And there is little lovelier than a
few gospel singers giving it their spiritual
and emotional best. The key to finding
affordable but bespoke musicians when you
have around two days notice is a website
like lastminutemusicians.com you choose
the musical genre you fancy, find a band
photo that looks good, listen to a few audio
examples of your shortlistees, click book
and they will appear at the right moment,
in the right outfit, playing the right music.
As if supplied by God.

THE FOOD

So the service is over, the words are

spoken, the tears are shed, the songs are sung.
Nobody wants complicated food when
their heads are already complicated enough
with grieving. You want nursery food and
lots of cups of tea. Whatever happens, dont
do the catering alone. Ask some of the
funeral guests to come two hours early and
help you make the spread it will probably
be the best bit of the day.

a massive
bunch of
forget-menots covered
the whole
of my fathers
coffin

CAKE

If you remember nothing else about this

article, Id love you to remember this... At
a funeral, everyone would like to feel useful
or helpful. Hence the deafening chorus of
Let me know if theres anything I can do,
which always makes me want to say,
quite loudly, STOP ASKING ME, JUST
THINK OF SOMETHING AND THEN
DO IT OR AT LEAST BUY ME A
PRESENT. But there is a genuine and
constructive answer: Could you please make
a cake and bring it to the funeral tea? This
is a win-win-win the person youve asked

BROMPTON
CEMETERy,
lONDON

ROyAl BURIAl
GROUND,
FROGMORE
Ah, how peaceful to
bask in the shadow of
Queen Victoria and
Prince Alberts socking
great mausoleum.
Your neighbours
Most members of
the Royal Family
since 1928, plus
Edward VIII and
Wallis Simpson.
Dig deep Youve got
to be a member of
the Royal Family
or married to one.

The spot for all those Kings

Road cats wholl suffer from
FOMO even in the great
hereafter. Located between
Fulham Road and Brompton
Road, its one of Chelseas
busiest thoroughfares. And
Chelsea FC fans can spend
an eternity listening to the
cheers from Stamford Bridge.
Your neighbours
Emmeline Pankhurst and
Marchesa Luisa Casati.
Dig deep Full burials start
at 6,000, with a 720 digging
fee, and the cemetery can
handle up to three burials a
week. Theres no official
count for remaining single
plots but there are probably
enough for another 10 years.

royalparks.org.uk/parks/
brompton-cemetery; 020
7352 1201

to bake at last feels useful. They arrive at

the funeral feeling like someone who is
contributing, rather than someone useless
who is trying not to cry. And your funeral
tea will be glorious, giving everyone lots
of chances to say, Bernard would have
adored the Battenberg, and opportunities
for quite a lot of Great British Bake
Off-style banter. Also, you get left with
enough cake to see you through the rest
of that very difficult week.

DECORATION

This fulfils the crucial function of giving

guests something/anything to talk about.
I found about 50 shots of my father-in-law
on my computer after he died, and I was
sent more by the guests coming to the funeral.
We printed them all super-size on A4 paper
and Blu-Tacked them onto every bit of wall
we could find reminders of so much
happiness in so many places and the same
photo smile in each. Photo albums lying
around on tables for guests at a loose end
are also good. Plus candles or fairy lights, if
you like that sort of thing the departed
persons favourite film playing on a TV, their
favourite singer on an iPod. And do bring
all the flowers from the church back to the
party if theyre movable. Anything to stop it
being the worst, quietest and saddest party
of all time.

10
ST PETER & ST
PAUl, AlDEBURGH
What could be nicer than
listening to waves forever?
Your neighbour
Benjamin Britten.
Dig deep The churchyard
is closed but if you live in
the parish, your ashes can
be interred there for 138.

aldeburghparishchurch.org.
uk; 01728 452223
Or... at Olney Green Burial
Ground in Buckinghamshire,
you can have an oak tree
instead of a burial stone.

olneygreenburial.co.uk;
01234 241808

AlCOHOl

Alcohol was virtually INVENTED for

funerals. As soon as you can, bring out the
booze. Have one on the deceaseds behalf. And
then give them another for good luck. And
then another because (s)hed have wanted it.
And then one last one because they should
never have died in the first place, FFS.
So thats all I can tell you. Unless the person
being buried is young, or someone who died
in truly horrible circumstances, I do think
its possible to create an intense, extraordinary,
moving, memorable, vital, passion-filled day
of celebration and remembrance, rather than
an unhappy gathering that murkily mourns a
death. If you end up organising my funeral,
whenever it is, can there be fairy lights on top
of my coffin, a vast quantity of Black Forest
gateau on the kitchen table, a vat of peach
bellinis and Robbie Williams singing Shes
the One in the church, preferably naked?
Thank you.
PS Its impossible to talk about death
without being offensive to someone at some
point. If youre that someone Im sorry.
Just ignore me. Ive been to too many funerals
recently. Emma Freud
TaT l er F eB rUarY 2014

115

Hom e
Edited by GERRI GALLAGHER

Death of
the dining room
Farewell, dining room. We never liked you very much anyway. You meant well but you were
always so gloomy and joyless and such a stickler for rules. Hello, kitchen! Now, youre kind of hot.
All kinds of pert power play happen in you. We think were going to get along just fine...

PHOTOGRAPH: AARON GRAUBART/TRUNK ARCHIVE

This is a
bit of a blow,
I must say...

K itchenpes
ster eot rsy?

he dining room.
Dear me. The very
mention makes your
buttocks ache with despair
at the memory of the last time
you lost three hours of your life sitting on a
hard chair next to someone called Rupert
who spat flecks of cheese souffl at your
chest while mumbling about high-speed
rail. Sit up straight! Use the right fork!
Careful with the crystal claret glass! Dont
even think about leaving the table to go to
the loo. Are you a savage? But, thank the
stars, the decrepit old dear has finally passed
away and, in her place, we find the kitchen,
the dining rooms saucy little sister. More
relaxed, more devil-may-care, much hotter
literally. Slip off a few layers, because the
Agas on. Hands up everyone who wouldnt
rather be invited to a supper in the kitchen
than to a dinner party? Yup, were all agreed.

Whats you

fake kitchen
This is for very rich people. The service
kitchen is round the back but this one has a
drinks fridge, a big telly and sofas and dogs
that have never smelled and never will.
Cashmere blankets, no food beyond
beautifully arranged fruit bowls and nuts
with an 18th-century nutcracker.

unexpectedly architected
country kitchen
Doesnt resemble a kitchen. Chairs that look
uncomfortable but arent. Challenging art,
sliding doors that can turn one room into
four and a wall that disappears into the floor
to make the kitchen and garden flow.

Stinking country
kitchen
Ancient Aga, socks drying on Aga, pheasant
hanging in pantry behind Aga, dogs, faint
smell of pee, feel free to smoke. Fridge full
of leftovers. Warm bottles of tonic on
sideboard, everything a bit sticky. These
kitchens can also be found in Fulham.

hackney hipSter kitchen

Chickens on the roof and a goat in the
garden for milk and cheese. Discarded
knitting in a fruit bowl. The floor and units
are poured concrete and the crockery has
been made at the wheel in the extension
and fired in the home kiln.

country kitchen
recreated in notting hill
Bunches of dry herbs hanging from ceiling,
copper Le Creuset as far as the eye can
see, terracotta floors (even though this is
a second-floor flat) and many, many pots
of thriving mint and basil. Piles of books
on photography and Italian gardens.

Other u ses f O r yO u r din in g rO Om

A room to mAke you look rich

If youre in Zone 1 It probably needs to be a

playroom who the hell else apart from
oligarchs, hedgies and property fromages has
space for a central London playroom?
Particularly good if you dont have kids.
If youre in Zone 2 Then its probably a gym.

If youre in Zone 3 Fraid it has to be a

pool or a cinema if youre scrimping. If
were talking about a country pile, then
bring on the fucking ballroom, people.

118 T a T l e r F e B r U a r Y 2 0 1 4

A room to mAke you look powerful

One with a steel door This room must never
be opened, as it contains highly classified
Homeland-style stuff. No one need know
that its only your happy place.
A ping-pong room Yup, thats all it takes
these days. All the big swinging dicks like a
turn around the table. Forget the golf course.
A boardroom With a fake helipad
outside. For when the Obamas drop by...
A room to mAke you look fun
A nightclub Where smoking is encouraged
and the host never, ever deejays. Ever.

A room to mAke people bitch

About you on the wAy home
A classroom For your home-schooled children.
A studio for your sculpting For swimming
in Lake Creative-Me.
A spiritual space For the healing circle.
Saaaarch good energeeeee!
A minimAlist room
Contains one enormous sofa, a lot
of newspapers, a vulgarity of box sets
and endless snacks.
A smoking room

PHOTOGRAPHS: GAP INTERIORS, ANDREAS VON EINSIEDEL, ISTOCK, BBC NEWS, PRESS ASSOCIATION

Hom e

David Cameron
in the kitchen
of his Oxfordshire
home, 2006

kitchen
cabinetS
What really happens at David Camerons (and his
opponents) kitchen suppers? By Deborah Feldman
The kitchen supper might be cosy, yet the
political kitchen supper is anything but
especially now that the next general election is
looming. As a basic rule, if youre not
interested in politics, you might as well stay at
home. No one cares what designer label youre
wearing or what present you bring. Actually,
giving anything at all is a terrible idea unless
you want to be seen as an outsider.
Thats not to say the atmosphere isnt more
relaxed than during office hours. Drinks are
served. Lights are dimmed. But only trusted
allies and the occasional friendly hack, retail
giant or television celebrity can expect an
invitation. Numbers tend to be kept small.
Between four and six at a time, so everyone
feels heard. Its usually an 8pm start (after the

David and Samantha

Cameron at their home
in west London, 2010

childrens bedtime) and a 10pm finish

(before antacids are required).
In Downing Streets fiendishly tidy grey
kitchen, DC will serve up fresh ciabatta
baked in his bread machine or rustle up a
simple spelt pasta cooked in a Jamie Oliver
saucepan. Guests, sitting on the same sofa
the Obamas cosied up on, will openly
debate Bojos popularity and the pros and
cons of a free press.
Meanwhile, Red Ed has been known to
serve a mean tuna melt with Worcestershire
sauce and red-hot Tabasco at his house
in Dartmouth Park. (Its helped to spice
things up whenever hes entertaining
Blairs ex-treasurer, Lord Levy, or pacifying
Unite boss Len McCluskey.) But its
shadow chancellor Ed Balls who can really
cook. At the north London house he
shares with his wife, shadow home secretary
Yvette Cooper, he has even attempted to
boost the morale of fellow MPs (code for
tried to steal the leadership) over his
homemade lasagne with oregano and a crispy
Cheddar crust.
Across town, youll find son of a peer and
newly elevated shadow education secretary
Tristram Hunt and his wife, Juliet Thornback,
having supper with some of their closest
friends, including other Blairites, Lord

What tO take if yOu re

invi ted fOr a
kitC hen suPP er Wit h...
Your politi cal friend S
An instructive box set. Homeland, Breaking
Bad, The Killing, The Good Wife and so on.
Your count rY friend S
Homemade marmalade or a box of
(your own) bantam eggs.
Your moSt
intol erant friend S
Ottolenghis gluten-free lemon drizzle cake.
Your oSten tatiou SlY
clever friend S
The latest doorstop by Sebag Montefiore,
Hastings or Beevor.
p.S. flowe rS...
If you want to give them, make sure you send
a bunch a few days in advance. Theyll save
the hostess from scrambling around looking
for a vase when shes already struggling to
make the supper. No one sends them in the
country thats vulgar.

Mandelson and Milibands head of

communications, Tom Baldwin.
So far, so snug and yet despite the chilled
G&Ts, big sofas, patterned cushions and
oven gloves (designed by Juliet because shes
one half of chic home brand Thornback
& Peel), you can be sure theyre plotting a
Labour victory. (
TaT l er F eB rUarY 2014

119

Be au t y
Edited by Fr ancesca white

photograph: kpa/eyevine

Time To spruce him up

take a peek inside his washbag. chances are its a motley mix.
Blunted razors and sticky tubs of hair gunk; half-empty tubes of
moisturiser; a slither of soap that smells like loo cleaner. Yuck. no
wonder we find men dipping into our stuff. But worry no more,
because tom Ford has muscled in on the scene. hes cast a critical eye
over the average males bathroom cabinet, taken note of what they
actually use and come up with this. a slick, matter-of-fact yet wildly
effective range of kit, from 20, with products that brilliantly
straddle the line between (and Mr Ford wont mind us saying this)
metrosexual and manly. From a squeezy, gel-like cleanser to a grey,

clay-based mask, along with a non-oily moisturiser that dispenses its

mattifying magic from a twisty pump. theres a firming eye cream, a
punchy concentrate that promises to turn around the most dog-tired
skin and a buttery lip balm. theres even a bronzing gel and a nifty
little concealer stick in the line-up. (certain men will insist that these
last two are ridiculous and that they will never use them. which
may or may not be true.) Get yours using the lot and hell look better,
smell lovelier and you can stop hiding your eye cream. if he still
doesnt get the message? Give him this magazine, open it at this
section, and tell him to get reading. Francesca White

Listen up, Yogi! If youre hairier than the average bear,

here are some boo-boo-proof ways to fix it. By Alexi Duggins

Be au t y

photograph: phIllIp tolEDaNo/trUNK arChIVE

hen I was eight years old,

I thought my uncle Tony
was half monkey. Being
from the Greek-Cypriot
side of my family, he was
what you might call hirsute. Although human
pom-pom would be more accurate. Curlicues
of hair sprouted from his neckline, jet-black
tufts exploded from his earlobes and, judging
by his arms, he had just wandered off the set
of Planet of the Apes. Hey, Uncle Tony! I used
to yell, the fancy-dress shop called. They
want their gorilla suit back! I thought I was
so clever. Until one day Uncle Tony said
something that sent shivers down my smooth
little spine. Just you wait, he growled. When
you hit 30, youll know what its like.
Boy, was he right. For the past couple of years,
Ive been sprouting hairs in places where I didnt
know they could grow. My chest makes me look
like Im smuggling a bath mat under my T-shirt.
My eyebrows droop into my line of vision and
Im engaged in a war of attrition against back
hair that makes the Battle of the Somme look
like a trench-based jamboree. At this rate, by
the time I hit 40, Ill resemble a walking ad
campaign for the Great Gorilla Run.
Unfortunately, skin is in. Last December, a
survey found that 71.2 per cent of men wax
some portion of their body. And when I follow
this up with a straw poll of female colleagues
views on the more lushly haired gent, I elicit
responses like Id button your shirt all the way
to the top if I were you and Holy shit! Your
eyebrow hair is longer than my arms! Clearly,
this hairless thing needs investigating. So
I try to hack through my facial undergrowth
with the Ultimate Shaving Experience, 35,
by Gentlemens Tonic (W1; gentlemenstonic.
com). First the nose, says Rolando, the barber,
thrusting an electric razor up my nostrils so
that clippings of hair pepper my face and a
noise like a belt-sander reverberates around
my skull. My beard is pared down with clippers,
my face is mummified with a hot towel and,
afterwards, oil is rubbed into my now-open
pores. Your face will be soft like a childs, says
Rolando, dragging a cut-throat razor across
my jaw until the skin stings but is completely
fuzz-free. On the way home, I get a taxi.
Which college do you study at? asks the
driver. Apparently, this is working.
But theres still the issue of ear hair. And
eyebrows. And curiously, despite Rolandos
promise to shave me until Im completely
clean, chest hair still peeks from my collar.
Clearly, I am beyond a barber. So I test some
electric hair-removing devices, the best of
which is despite the name the Babyliss
Super Groomer, 40, which comes with
specific attachments for nose, ears and the

more, ahem, shag-pile areas of ones chest rug.

There are, though, some areas Im reluctant
to try shaving. After all, its meant to lead to the
hair growing back thicker. And my pelt-like
back already makes me feel the need to do
penance. I dont want to literally end up wearing
a hair shirt.
Soon, I am sitting in the waiting room at
Viva Aesthetic Clinic, W1 (viva-clinic.co.uk),
bracing myself for laser hair removal. Come
with me, says my aesthetic therapist Jodie,
leading me into a room where Im told to shed
my top, lie on a leatherette table and don safety
glasses whose yellowy hue makes the world look
like Im trapped in a sun-bleached Nineties
Game Boy. A safety razor is applied to my hairy
patches and a machine labelled GentleMax Pro
begins to make a noise like a public-loo handdryer. Im not nervous 48 hours ago, Id had
a laser shot into my back to test my skin for any
reaction. Im confident I know what to expect.
Im wrong. I know that each flash of the laser
will be accompanied by a trill that sounds like
a digital camera focusing. Im aware that itll
feel like a blast of chill air. But Im not expecting
it to be so ticklesome that my leg twitches as

hair removal, and a few days later Im propped

up on a beauticians table at Strip, a Chelsea
waxing salon (stripwaxbar.com). Im naked
except for a jumper and a strategically draped
towel, awaiting a hot-wax treatment that will
prune my genital hair into a boyzilian the
male equivalent of the Brazilian. And, well,
Im a tad uncomfortable. Dont worry, smiles
Kristina, wielding a waxed spatula. Just make
sure you breathe out when I rip. Then it wont
hurt too much. Im told to yank my scrotum
tight. Theres a feeling of intense heat in my
nether regions. I look down and realise that each
of my testicles is wearing a little wax yarmulke.
Ready?
Just do it.
Kristinas hand becomes a motion blur
and suddenly my crotch is alive with agony.
A thick streak of wax crawls up my penis like
a vengeful slug, theres another rip and I begin
panting for breath.
Within 30 minutes, my man bits are hairless,
save for a small patch of hair above my groin.
Its pretty weird. But the strangest thing? As
the final few bits of wax are applied, Ive almost
stopped noticing the pain. For the first time,

IM TAKEN ABACK. MY
SCROTUM LOOKS LIKE THE
SURFACE OF THE MOON
though Ive licked a mains socket. Sorry, says
Jodie as I writhe like a mackerel in a net. Not
every bits tickly. No? Nope. Itll hurt more on
the hairy patches.
Just as she says, I soon feel as though my
follicles are being jabbed with hot needles.
Do you want me to go a bit lower? asks
Jodie, her hand hovering north of my trousers.
I find myself grunting assent. I clench my
teeth and then notice that theres a smell like...
like... wait, is that burning?
That, says Jodie, is your bum fluff.
You werent meant to go THAT low!
I mean its your straggly bits of hair.
Ah.
In 10 minutes total, Im done. Jodie slathers
me in aloe vera, hoses me down with cool
air and tells me that the lasers should have
sufficiently damaged my follicles to slow the
growth of hair. After another six to eight
treatments (performed at four- to six-week
intervals), I should be completely hair-free.
In the coming days, however, my mottled skin
might make me look as if Ive fallen into a
nettle patch. But this never happens. In fact,
my newly smooth back looks so great that
I get a bit carried away with the brilliance of

I take in my surroundings. This is our James

Bond-themed room, explains Kristina, gesturing
to a gigantic The World Is Not Enough poster. Its
especially for our male clients. Somehow I cant
imagine Bond putting himself through this.
Why not? Plenty of men do it.
Yes, but it... it doesnt seem very manly.
Its very manly! Now, pull your knees up
to your chest so that I can wax your crack.
After five minutes of pointing my bum
at the ceiling, Im done. Kristina leaves me
to examine the results. I look down, and for
a moment, Im taken aback. My scrotum
looks like the surface of the moon.
Over the next few days, Im shocked every
time I go for a wee. Frankly, I dont like it. The
chances of waxing again? Zero. Ill probably use
the Babyliss shaver to do a little more trimming.
But as for the rest of my body? Nuh-uh. Sure,
Id like my back to be a bit less hairy. But Id
also like to look like Brad Pitt, and Im not
going to pay for facial reconstruction. At some
point, you have to accept that youre as
attractive as the universe made you. And for
me, that point comes when you find yourself
dunking your bits in molten wax. (
Alexi is editor-at-large at Time Out London.
TaT l er F eB rUarY 2014

123

Be au t y
NOSE BEST
en
So heres what women
think: How can
that man look in
the mirror, see those hairs SHOOTING
from his nostrils and not feel compelled
to do something about them? If a
whirring blade up your nose makes your
manly knees knock (really?), then trim with
Tweezermans No-Nick Facial Hair Scissors,
18. Be brave.

MIND THE GAP

There needs to be a space between the hair on
your neck and the hair on your back. Ladies are
prepared to be grown-up about back hair but
things get dodgy when it starts to look like a pelt
and we were told by an expert at Strip that
most back, sack and crack clients are straight,
which is diverting. You dont need to go the
whole hog, although its interesting to try it
once (see page tk). But you may want to whip
off that cape of hair when T-shirt weather hits.

HAIR ME NOW
Remember that if you discuss your hair with
other men, they will think you are weird
(unless you are nice and camp and it is
accepted that this is fascinating for
all present). If you discuss it with
women, they will think you are
adorable. But dont become a hair
bore. Worse than an art bore or a
wine bore.

FOUL FLAKES
Beard-druff is repellent. No one will
want to kiss you. They will not want
to talk to you. But they will talk
behind your back. Exfoliation is
a powerful preventative. Get
your hands on Cliniques
Skin Supplies Face Scrub,
18, and use it once a week to
keep yourself socially acceptable.

The grooming rules

N E V E R S AY DY E
This is sexist, but dyed hair
does not work on men. Like
Botox on men, dyed hair is a
little bit tragic. But if you need
a touch of youthful pigment around the
hairline or even in the beard, try this Colour
Wow Root Cover-Up, 29, which brushes on,
stays on and looks completely natural. Doesnt
count as dye. Why? Because we say so.

EAR ME NOW
Ear hair is the preserve of men with
brown teeth and stained jumpers.
It screams sad old bach. There is
the bristly inner ear tuft and then the
long lobe tendrils that dance in the
breeze. Seize this Philips Nose, Ear
and Eyebrow trimmer, 13, and
get to work. It will not cut you.
It is your friend.

WA F T Y W H I S K E R S
All hair is better when it smells
lovely and fresh and as women
know hair holds scent. So run
your fingers through your hair
with a splash of zingy Geo. F. Trumper Extract
of Limes, 39. Rub your beard with a fistful of
Diors patrician Eau Sauvage, 64. Spritz your
chesty hair with Jo Malones spicy Nutmeg &
Ginger Cologne, 78. And fuck the Lynx effect.

A WORD ON EYEBROWS
Mens eyebrows can be raised sardonically or
furrowed thoughtfully. But they cannot really
be plucked or you will look like you are nursing
a secret drag habit. You are, however, allowed
to tweeze away the monobrow but GO EASY
they need to hit the side of your nose. George
Northwood at Atelier Josh Wood (joshwood
colour.com) always trims his clients eyebrows
and nose hair as part of the service.

DONT BE WET
That sleek, otter-headed, slicked-back
Euro-hair is so dated and icky. Who wants
to touch the scary, shiny stuff? And if its
not actually wet, then its stiff and crunchy.
So mould and sculpt with a matt
new-generation paste like
Oribe Rough Luxury Soft
Moulding Paste, 33, and
rejoin the human race.

H OW TO G ROW BA L D G R AC E F U L LY
Shave your head if you can get away with it. It
rather depends on the shape of your skull. Ask
three women whether you can as ever, we
suggest you do not choose women who work
for you. Or your mother. Never grow the
remaining hair extra long to compensate bald
with a bob is never going to do you any favours.
It is monkish and anti-sex. Balding or not, the
hair must never curl under in a ladylike fashion.

B O U F FA N T B E A R D A G E
Tame the beast with Murdock Londons little
moustache and beard combs and brushes, from
25. But not in public. Do nothing with your
beard in public neither stroke it (sinister) nor
n
groom it (comically wrong) nor
scratch it (unhygienic). Try total
nonchalance. Just let it be.

WOULD RATHER DIE THAN GO BALD?

Dr Coen Gho is on the case with a hair graft
less gruesome than the blood n guts Rooneystyle transplant of old. Sign yourself off sick
for a day (this is precision work) and expect to
wait six months to appreciate the full flow.
7,0 at Hair Science Institute, 4 Upper
7,050
Wim
Wimpole
Street, W1 (020 7224 2630).

FEEL THE BURN

There is a case for sideburns.
Indeed, there is. But the secret with
sideburns is not to let them get
frizzy, because then youll look like
a perv. A light facial oil like Aesops
Fabulous Face Oil, 40, will act as
a calming leave-in conditioner. (

PHOTOGRAPHS: MARY EVANS PICTURE LIBRARY

Botox? No. Ear-tuft trimmer? Oh, yes. Annabel Rivkin on the dos and donts and bits and bobs of the male beauty regime

TATLER pRomoTion

An upward trend
As one of the top cosmetic doctors in the UK, Dr Dray knows exactly
how to revitalise your skin. With his expertise and treatments, the only way is up
Were not surprised that
A-listers and models are
focking to see Dr Dray.
The Parisian cosmetic
dermatologist has spent
over 25 years in the industry,
gaining experience and
expertise that led him to
create the Mesolift procedure
(see below), which is
based on Mesotherapy, the
non-surgical treatment he
founded. His skin-boosting techniques are highly soughtafter, which is why he is in demand on both sides of
the Channel. And you can be sure that there will be no
scalpels or knives involved just a stroke of genius from
the miracle man.

NECK LIFT
Quick and easy, this procedure tackles drooping
jowls and skin that has lost elasticity around the
neck while maintaining the mobility and vivacity
of facial expression. The incision-free treatment
uses biodegradable threads to pull back and lift
sagging skin (a local anaesthetic is applied so
patients can monitor their desired result). Results
are instantly visible treated areas are subtly
raised and tightened and can last up to two
years. So its ideal for those experiencing early
signs of ageing who dont want surgery, or those
who have previously had a surgical facelift but are
again experiencing sagging around the neck.

MESOLIFT

Hydrate Te non-invasive Mesolift procedure

hydrates skin to slow down signs of ageing and impart
a healthy glow. Although its now available at most
top cosmetic clinics, it was founded by Dr Dray.
Boost A cocktail of amino acids, vitamins A, B, C
and E, hyaluronic acid and co-enzymes are injected into
the skin, boosting luminosity and improving texture.
refresH Its perfect for those who sufer from a
dull or tired-looking complexion, or those whose facial
skin has started to lose its firmness.

10-MINUTE FACELIFT
WHAT? This really is as speedy as it sounds! Exclusive to Dr Drays clinics,
this treatment brings tautness back to the lower half of the face including
the jowls, chin and cheeks without a scalpel in sight.
HOW? Biodegradable chemicals are injected into the skins dermis,
encouraging it to produce more collagen and plumping it up where
necessary. Result: an instantly smoother and more radiant complexion.
WHO? This works wonders on those with skin that has started to sag
around the chin and cheeks. Its not just for the face, though;
its brilliant for smoothing wrinkled hands a tell-tale sign of ageing
that shouldnt be neglected.

Clinic Dray London, 11b Albert Place, London W8 5PD

Tel : 020 7937 1031; info@drdray.co.uk; drdray.co.uk

Be au t y
PROPER
KNEADING

Treatments
every
good boy...
...deserves a hit of TLC from time to time

GNARLY FEET

What Hobbit Foot pedicure.

The lowdown Look down for a second. Socks off, please and be
honest. Would a glimpse of your toenails, in all their God-given
state, scare a small child? If the answer is yes (and it probably will
be, unless youve already been bullied into action), then read on.
Introduce them to Valentina Kovcs, who will station you in a
squashy chair, take your leathery feet in hand and get down and
dirty. Yes, shes a bit brusque, but shes not deterred by a cracked
heel. Shell soak your soles, sand down dead skin, trim ragged
cuticles and shell do it all with a smile on her face. Sort of. Shes
not afraid to whip out the hot wax either, if its required. Which
you may think your toes dont need but shell tell you otherwise.
Our verdict Manicured but still manly. No matter how grotty
things look when you walk in, shes seen (and sorted) worse.
Details 40. At Goddess, 86 Golders Green Road, NW11
(goddesslondon.co.uk; 020 8201 8717).

126 T a T l e r f e b r u a r y 2 0 1 4

FOR SCRUFF-BAGS

What The Luxury Full Service at Murdock.

The lowdown Its a sharp place, Murdock,
all east London cool with a dash of old-school
charm. And stores are positioned where you
actually want to hang out. Like the tie corner
in Liberty. Or in Hackett, in Spitalfields and
Covent Garden. Services are even sharper.
Like this one which welcomes your
dog-eared person with open arms, then turfs
you back out looking significantly tidier. In
under two hours. And from the very same
chair. How handy! To have your skin scrubbed
back to life and your whiskers trimmed; your
shoes made shiny and your nails clipped. To
be buffed with a badger brush as you read
the papers; to have your hair snipped as you
sip Glenfiddich. But its the wet shave, using
a traditional straight razor, that seals the deal.
Our verdict Embarrassingly spoiling. But
golly, youll look good when you stroll out.
Details 115 for 105 minutes. At Murdock
(murdocklondon.com; 020 3393 7946).

PROBLEMS
DOWN THERE
NO-FRILLS FACIAL

What Aromatherapy Associates

Power-Lift Facial.
The lowdown Its the morning after the
month before and your skin is looking
not so much lived in as squatted in by a
gang of winos. Who have furrowed your
fine lines into frown lines so deep you
could grow spuds in them. But the
Refinery will see you right. Because this
is a workout for facial muscles (albeit
one that demands no physical effort
result!). Theres a swipe of cleanser, a
tingly peel and a pressure-point massage.
Next, two electric wands are whipped
out and jabbed about, pelting the skin
around your brow, eyes and jaw line with
zippy little zaps. Which dont hurt a bit.
In fact, they feel quite nice. Sort of like
Space Dust popping all over your face.
Our verdict Haggard to handsome in
just over an hour. Shell think you look
too wonderful for words. Youll rather
agree with her.
Details 130 for 85 minutes. At
the Refinery, 60 Brook Street, W1
(the-refinery.com; 020 7409 2001).

What The GoodWood Clinic.

The lowdown Sometimes
things down there are a bit...
limp. A tad underwhelming.
Not up to the job. But its an
issue for a big number of men
and not just the older chaps.
Some of the biggest sufferers
are in their 20s, according to
acupuncturist Jani White.
Shes set up the GoodWood
Clinic (the name is brilliant
enough), exclusively for males.
Shes gone and gathered a team
of specialists, from urologists
to oncologists, to get the boys
firing on all cannons. But her
thing is acupuncture, which
she uses to tackle the cause
whether its stress or anxiety.
Our verdict Not convinced?
The genius website tells you
what to do, what to expect
even which boxers to wear.
Details From 130 for an
initial consultation. At
58 South Molton Street,
W1 (goodwoodclinic.com;
07932 000025).

photograph: danjaq/eon/ua/kobal collection

What Pure Body Massage.

PICK
ME!
The lowdown They keep
it simple here. The space is
so sparse that even the most
bullet-headed yogi might find
himself eager to redecorate.
After informing the lovely
Kasia who remains close
to invisible throughout of
how much pressure you enjoy,
you assume a horizontal
position and she pounces.
A stretch at both ends, before a
staggering proportion of her
body weight bears down upon
your frame. Your shoulders
collapse, your spine unravels,
your neck becomes latex, your
chakras chuckle and your
insides gurgle. Then its over.
Stick the suit back on, swallow
a glass of water and hit the
street feeling like... Superman.
Our verdict Nirvana in a
broom cupboard.
Details From 75. At Fenwick,
63 New Bond Street, W1 (pure
massage.com; 020 7381 8100).

TATLER pRomoTion

Better straight than never

Conscious of a crooked smile? Its never too late to straighten your teeth. Start the New Year
with a trip to west Londons most hi-tech orthodontic practice, Metamorphosis
On the New Kings Road, just a five minute
stroll from Parsons Green, Metamorphosis
is west Londons temple for teeth. The slick
practice is headed up by the super-charming
Dr Neil Counihan a New York trained
leading orthodontist and supported by top
clinician Dr Runa Mowla-Copley. This dynamic
duo works with a simple mantra in mind:
to give patients of all ages a beautiful and
healthy smile for life. And what better time to
take action than at the start of the New Year?
Step through the clinics door and youll be
surrounded by gleaming, modern interiors,
but there are no white coats in sight here Dr
Counihan runs a strictly casual practice. It goes
without saying that he is a total natural with
children, too. His reputation has travelled well
beyond the realms of SW6, and Metamorphosis
braces are now de rigueur for teenagers in

Fulham, Chelsea and Wandsworth!

Both Dr Counihan and Dr Mowla-Copley
are highly skilled in fitting a range of modern
cosmetic braces, including Damon braces, a
new generation of fixed self-ligating braces,
Invisalign clear braces, which are removable,
and lingual braces, placed behind the teeth,
making them a popular choice with those
in the public eye. But its not just about
appearance; an incorrect bite can lead to tooth
erosion and fillings. So start the New Year
with a free consultation, especially for Tatler
readers. Were sure youll leave grinning from
ear to ear.
Metamorphosis, 109 New Kings
Road, London SW6. For further
details, call 020 7731 1077 or visit
metamorphosisorthodontics.com

tatler reaDer offer Tatler readers can enjoy a complimentary

orthodontic consultation at Metamorphosis worth 175, which includes an x-ray
and report. To book, call 020 7731 1077 and quote Tatler.

It seems that
Dr Mowla-Copley
has another string
to her bow as a
childrens author.
Charlies Thumb
tells the story of a
little boy who sucks
his thumb day in, day out, but after a
visit from the Tooth Fairy, Charlies
view on thumb-sucking changes
forever. If you are despairing of thumbsuckers in the family, book into the
fabulous Thumb Sucking Clinic at
Metamorphosis. Here, the team works
its magic to put a stop to this habit
once and for all. Suitable for children
over the age of six, when adult teeth
have started to come through.
Charlies Thumb is available to buy for 5.99
at the Metamorphosis clinic and online at
Waterstones and Amazon.

Be au t y

My cloe-up

Matthew
McConaughey
o

i
rn

ng

rou

ti

7:00 Shower

7:02 brush teeth in the shower

I really like to chew freshly

picked tobacco leaf from
South Carolina.
The One by
Dolce &
Gabbana smells
of just that.

7:07 wash my face with soap

and water

7:10 Put on some jurlique

calendula cream

7:12 Dress in the clothes

Ive had some wonderful co-stars over

the years. One of my favourites is my
close friend Woody Harrelson, right.

I laid out the night before

Two days of
shooting with
Scarlett Johansson
in New York and
being directed
by Martin Scorsese
was awesome.

A black mamba can do EIGHTEEN miles per hour, but

only for about TEN feet. My son and I know the speed of
every animal and how to get away from them.

I started losing my hair in 1999, so Ive

been using Regenix ever since. Im going to
keep at it. I dont want to stop and find that
it all falls out...
e for
this is the recip
ines
nt
le
Va
st
be
the
bunch
Day ever: get a
nts, get
ie
ed
of good ingr
t
pu
,
ne
wi
of
a bottle
make
,
on
ic
us
m
e
som
st about
the cooking la
and eat
s
ur
three ho
.
pm
10
nd
at arou

sun routine
as a kid, Id be out all day
with no sunscreen

now I wear kiehls

facial fuel SPf 15

and on set outdoors

I wear Vichy SPf 50+

I dont change
colour

Matthew McConaughey is the face of Dolce

olce & Ga
Gabbana Te one for men.
FleX
your
legs

purist vs tourist
I n k at e r r a Wa l k I n g t o
Wellness, Peru

Peru is the ultimate backdrop for a Boys

own adventure and this eight-day
hike wont disappoint. Walks vary from
simple strolls (dont scoff: there are spectacled bears and 372 orchid
species to spot) to ball-shrinking rope-bridge traverses, 100 feet up in
the jungle canopy. Most treacherous is the climb to the Inca city of
Machu Picchu: razor-sharp peaks with gobsmacking views across the
Andes. Not sweaty enough? The Andean sauna (a shaggy sort of igloo
lined with eucalyptus leaves) will fire up achy joints. Ah, thats better.
Cox & Kings (coxandkings.co.uk; 020 7873 5000) offers a 10-night private
tour from 2,195 a person, including flights, excursions and accommodation.

128 T a T l e r F e B r U a r Y 2 0 1 4

r a m b l e r s H I k I n g b r e a k at
C H a m P n e ys , F o r e s t m e r e

This is the British countryside at its

finest. The walks (like a 10-mile trek
across the National Trusts Devils
Punchbowl) sound like a slog but, really, theyre a jolly breeze through
overgrown woodland and cowpatty fields, following a fellow from the
Ramblers Association (who loses his way occasionally) and finishing in
the pub with a pint of local cider. Put your feet up back at the spa, which
is wonderfully homely, with plushy carpets and guests wandering about
in dressing gowns. Active types can stretch out with yoga classes in the
airy studio the less worthy can wallow in the thalassotherapy pool.
569 a person for five nights (champneys.com; 01428 726000).

Dolce & gabbana the one, 62 for 100ml. VIchY caPItal SoleIl, 19. jurlIque calenDula cream, 22.50 for 125ml. regenIx, from 14. kIehlS
facIal fuel SPf15, 33 for 125ml. Inkaterra reVIew bY tom YarwooD. chamPneYS reVIew bY katIe thomaS. PhotograPhS: gettY ImageS

FIFTEEN years old + a big

perm + FIvE-inch rats tails
+ blond tips = disastrous hair,
but I loved it!

The Texan actor on blond perms, black

mambas and hot Valentines. By Katie Thomas

TATLER pRomoTion

'Everything I do is about
sculpting without surgery,
making women a more
beautiful version of themselves
Dr Vronique Simon

Parisian
beauty

Dr Vronique Simon helps women maintain their youthful glow with her brilliant bespoke non-surgical treatments

he words elegant and immaculate dont

just describe the work of Dr Vronique
Simon, they also sum up the cosmetic
doctor herself. As a pioneer of advanced antiageing treatments for over 20 years, she is the
best advertisement for her work a woman who
maintains herself impeccably, and who hasnt so
much deleted years off her age as she has subtly
stopped them in their tracks. Much like her A-list
clientele, who have included French actresses (and
great beauties) Catherine Deneuve and Charlotte
Rampling, she sports a youthful glow that women of
any age would happily swim the Channel to achieve.
Fortunately, you dont have to go to such
extremes as Dr Simon works from what has
been called one of Londons chicest treatment
rooms in her Belgravia practice. Its here the
magic happens, where Dr Simon will appraise
you with her famously aesthetic eye before
designing a uniquely personal programme based
on preventative and non-invasive skin-tightening
treatments, as well as her highly effective antiageing skincare line, Simon Thrapie.

Her signature treatment is the Rejuvenator

(see box on right), an utterly bespoke treatment
that gives impressive, youth-enhancing results
instantly through a regenerating, radianceboosting custom-blended rehydrating cocktail
administered via advanced mesotherapy. The
results speak for themselves: fine lines are filled
and the skins tone, contours and hydration levels
are instantly improved and stay that way for five
to six months. Incredibly, theres no downtime so
you can leave looking luminous and revitalised.

Collagen BooSTeR
Much more than a filler, the collagen
Booster is a non-toxic and gentler
alternative that delivers a discreet
beauty enhancement and actually
encourages the skin to produce its own
collagen. its the ideal way to plump
fine lines around the mouth, crows feet
and cheeks and will leave you looking
refreshed rather than re-worked.

The RejuvenaToR
l ResuRface Resurface using a
professional-grade version of
Dr simons Gold acid-free Micro Peel
l RestoRe with painless, deeply
penetrating mesotherapy using
Dr simons unique cocktail of tailored
skin-regenerating ingredients
l RehyDRate thanks to Dr simons
hyaluronic-based mix via electroporation,
which increases the penetration of the
meso-cocktail. again, this process is virtually
painless and creates a radiant skin tone.
l RefResh your complexion.
the Rejuvenator promotes healing,
diminishes fine lines and stimulates
production of collagen and elastin
l Rectify with light touches of hyaluronicacid fillers (only where needed) to reduce
obvious lines and replace lost volume
l RefiRM with Dr simons signature
firm, anti-slackening and lifting
massage technique

Dr Simon is offering Tatler readers a complimentary consultation and 10% off their first booking.
For further details, please call 020 7235 0679, email info@simontherapie.com or visit simontherapie.com

Be au t y

Beauty f lash

guy stuff

Nothing says manly like mint shampoo and musky scent. By Francesca White
K i e h l s

chAnel

Facial Fuel Heavy Lifting, 38

They say Formulated
for thicker, coarser skin.
We say This is moisturiser for
real men. Men who wear
cable-knit sweaters and scale
mountains and scoff at the idea
of fine lines. (And then pinch
your face cream when they think
youre not looking.)

Bleu de Chanel deodorant, 23

They say Instant freshness and
lasting protection.
We say It also happens to smell
of Bleu de Chanel, so youre
already onto a winner. But
otherwise its just a deodorant
stick. An easy, twisty, cram-it-inyour-washbag deodorant stick.
Nothing more to be said, really.

BeArDsley
Ultra Shampoo for Beards,
22.50, at Murdock London
They say Beards deserve to
be treated better.
We say Yes, they do. But does a man want
soft bristles that rustle with the scent of
wild berries? Yes, he does. Because it
means women will get closer to him.

Dior
Dior Homme eau de toilette,
77 for 150ml
They say A masculine floral
fragrance.
We say Which sounds weird
but in fact is spot on: powdery
but clean and reassuringly
musky. It also looks beautiful,
like an old paraffin lamp.

Collezione Barbiere facial

cleansing scrub, 26
They say Eliminates all impurities.
We say A nice consistency. Full
of sandy (not scratchy)
granules that soften stubbly
skin without clawing at it.

mAlin & GoeTz

Peppermint Shampoo, 15
They say Our best-selling daily shampoo.
We say Peppy and invigorating, like Original
Source, but smarter. It works a treat on girls
hair too. You have been warned.

130 T a T l e r f e b r u a r y 2 0 1 4

r efin ery

Shearers Soap, 9.95

They say A complete
cleansing experience.
We say Not nearly as
drying as some soaps.
Thats the glycerin. And
there are poppy seeds
in there too, for a gentle
buffing. Lovely.

Shave Oil, 26
They say A healing blend of plant and essential oils.
We say Clever stuff, shaving oil. No lather, no brushes,
no exploding cans of foam in your suitcase. And this
one is top notch: slightly medicinal with a herby whiff.

still-lifes: JODY tODD

TriumPh &
DisAsTer

Ac q uA D i PA r m A

TATLER pRomoTion

I enjoy the taste, and the boost of

energy it gives me every morning
It feels as though my skin is
detoxed from the inside
Im a frm believer in natural
products with natural
ingredients
A lot of supplements,
including multi-vitamins,
dont contain collagen
I feel much more energetic
You cant just use face creams
its all about what
you eat and drink
RESulTS FRom A SuRvEy oF TATlER REAdERS

Happy new you

InTERvIEWS ConduCTEd By mInERvA lABS,
oWnERS oF PuRE Gold CollAGEn

Kickstart 2014 with the easiest of resolutions by stocking up on

Pure Gold Collagen, the super-nutritious drink everyones talking about

As the calendar fips into 2014, its out with the

vitamins B6, C and E, biotin, zinc and copper
old and in with the new. Which is why its time
are all essential for hydrating skin and
to replace the usual suspects on your beauty
increasing collagen production, which naturally
resolutions list drink gallons of water, wear
decreases with age. And you wont just come
SPF daily, take make-up off before
away with a more radiant complexion.
Pure Gold
bed, blah, blah with a promise
The nutritious ingredients in Pure
thats much easier to keep: vowing
Collagen have also been
Collagen kick- Gold
to take Pure Gold Collagen.
proven to make locks glossier and
starts my day even raise energy levels.
This is all about beautifying from
the inside out. These 50ml liquid
A sample of Tatler readers (aged
supplements to be taken daily contain
between 25 and 72) put Pure Gold Collagen to
a nourishing potion that is jam-packed with
the test for a period of one month and the
active ingredients that help slow down signs
results speak for themselves just take a look
of ageing. The unique blend of hydrolysed
above. We suggest you follow their lead in 2014
collagen, borage oil, hyaluronic acid,
and strike gold.

Available at selected Boots and

Holland & Barrett stores and pharmacies.
For further details, call 020 3137 7731
or visit gold-collagen.com

Want to
get ahead
in fashion?

Patrick Demarchelier The Cond Nast Publications Ltd

Come and learn from the

experts at Londons exciting
new college
We are now taking applications
from intelligent, ambitious and
creative individuals who want to
work in the fashion industry
NEW! Vogue Intensive
Summer Course
Four weeks, starting July 2014
Vogue Fashion Certifcate
Ten weeks, starting every
January, April and October
To fnd out more and apply visit
www.condenastcollege.co.uk

s
ation
c
i
l
p
Ap
pen
now o

This course has been a dream come true. I have

already received three job offers since I left.
- Barbara, graduate, 22

Tr av el
Edited by FRANCISCA KELLETT

BANZAI!

photograph: getty images

Hallucinatory hero snow. Volcanoes. Steam pools and

sake and stylishly bonkers aprs. Its time to attack the
smart yet sense-scrambling ski slopes of Japan. By Felix Milns

* Yippeeeeeeeeeee! in Japanese

the dormant
volcano of
Mount yotei

The slopes
of Niseko

above,
snowboards
&, below,
snowboarders
in niseko

volcano a go-go

nisekos
four ski areas
rise up towards
a central point,
fanning out
through birches
and bamboo
fields below

Say konnichiwa to Mount Yotei, a perfect volcanic

cone that will be your view for much of the week, if
its not blotted out by snowfall. Hang back a
volcano? Yes! A dormant one, but still a volcano!
How cool is that? Niseko is all about volcano skiing,
which is brilliant for boasting points, but also means
you have glorious, very Japanese views. Niseko is
actually a sort of group hug of a ski area, made up of
four resorts strung across the flanks of Mount Niseko
and looking right onto that volcano. The two central
areas are Niseko Village and Hirafu, with Annupuri
and Hanazono on the wings.
right,
piste
signs in
niseko

above the
treeline is the
high alpine zone,
but the best
skiing is in the
woods the
trees give you
visibility in the
snow

know the snow

Who stole
my poles?

Niseko is all about powder skiing. It snows A LOT

all night, every night (and, um, much of the day), so
that even the dozens of groomed trails are powder
fields come morning. Known as hero snow, this is the
kind of powder that is so light and dry you barely
know its there until it flies up into your face and is
super-easy to ski. In January and February it snows
an average of 22 days a month, with anywhere between
a mind-boggling 3060 feet of snowfall each season.

photographs: alamy, felix milns

ermented fish guts for

breakfast, sparkling pillows
of powder, volcanoes,
bamboo fields and
GALLONS of warm sake.
Weird, wondrous, rarefied:
welcome to skiing in Japan. Never has
something so familiar been quite so
marvellously unfamiliar. The snow is
sensational (better than anything in
Europe), the welcome warm and
pleasingly bonkers and the food oh!
the food! better than the chefs table
at Nobu. Trust us, even the fish guts
will have you sneering at Bircher muesli
for evermore.
This is Asias ichiban (thats best in
Japanese start swotting up) ski
destination, with hundreds of resorts
dotted around the country. The
absolute ichiban resorts are on the
northern island of Hokkaido, home
of Sapporo beer, silky seafood and
more powder than you can shake a
ski pole at. Star in the crown is Niseko,
first colonised by Aussie ski bums
30 years ago, and now where formal
Japan meets laidback Antipodean,
where kimonos meet kickass aprs-ski.

Tr av el

blo blo bar.

below,
the barn.
bott
right, a
sculpture in
the barn

learn
some Japanese.
youll thank us.
thank you, btw,
is arigatou
.
try saying that
after a few
sakes...

above &
below left,
barumba.
right,
fridge door

party!
(or patid thats an easy one)
Karaoke! Hot sake! Neon-blue cocktails! More karaoke!
They know how to do aprs here. Forget vodka Red Bulls
and sticky dancefloors here its all about warm sake and
knockout cocktails and low-lit, super-stylish bars.
Downtown Hirafu is where its at (theres a free shuttle
from the Hilton). Start with a zesty muzu mojito at
Fridge Door you get in by climbing through a fridge
door into a deeply cool cocktail bar with walls lined with
banks of old records.
Then its to the Barn, a glam Aspen-style addition with
a two-storey wall of glass, a ground-floor restaurant and a
mezzanine bar. The frozen mango margaritas remind
you that youre in the Orient. Just down the road is
Barumba: low ceilings, graffiti and tree-trunk walls and
shocking-blue Bruce Lee cocktails or if you really
dont care what state youll be in come the
morning, opt for a Bruce Willis, a Bruce Lee
with more Bruce.
Staggering distance from the shuttle bus
pickup point is Blo Blo, a Shoreditch-chic
hangout with different fantastical rooms: one has
posters of vintage Playmates and a glitzy pole for
you to spin on if you so wish; another is like a
19th-century opium den, with beds and padded
kimono wallpaper (no opium, though). Finish up
back at the Hilton in one of the private karaoke
rooms, belting out Turning Japanese by The Vapors.

Ive got
bow factor

hirafu
has dozens
of IzAkAyAs
(japanese pubs).
one of The besT is
yo, all sunken
Tables wiTh
inseT charcoal
grills

REST UP

EAT UP
Swap tartiflette for teppanyaki, steak
frites for sashimi and goulash soup for
snow-crab ramen you will never eat
as well as this on any other ski trip,
ever. The Hilton has three brilliant la
carte Japanese restaurants: Rera is a
stylish sushi bar; Pirka is a live-action
teppanyaki joint (try the wagyu steaks
divine); and Sisam is famed for its
shabu-shabu wafer-thin slices of pork
or wagyu beef dipped in hot broth at
the table, a sexier take on the fondue.
On the mountain, the isolated
high-altitude huts serve a decent
Japanese curry, but its best to lunch
at the base. Feast on incredible snowcrab ramen at the Hanazono base
station, while, over in Annupuri,
Rakuichi is one of Anthony Bourdains
favourite hangouts: a zen-like log cabin
hidden in the snowdrifts, with just 12
seats and no bookings. Chef Tatsume,
right, serves buckwheat-soba noodles
in a dashi broth, hand shaped and cut
in front of you; he has won a Michelin
star for his dedication to the noodle.

Thermal waters
in the Hilton
Niseko Village

Above, rera
sushi bar.
below,
sashimi aT
The hilTon.
bott
, chef
TaTsume aT
rakuichi

The Hilton, with

Mount Yotei
in the distance

phoTographs: alamy,
Takahiro nakanishi

Above, The
alTiTude bar
in, below, The
greenleaf
hoTel

The Hilton (hilton.com) in Niseko Village is the best

place to stay. Yes, its vast (and yes, its a Hilton), but
it has the absolute top piste-side position at the base
of the gondola, plus fabulous Japanese restaurants,
excellent (English-speaking! Praise be!) service and a
lakeside onsen a traditional Japanese spa. The
rooms are perfectly comfortable, and the loos have
heated seats and sprays, which, we can tell you, are
rather nice (dont judge till youve tried). Bathrooms
are basic, as the Japanese wash in the onsen, where
you sit on wooden stools to shower, then soak in the
hot thermal waters watching snow drift down onto
the lake. Or theres the nearby Greenleaf
(thegreenleafhotel.com), a compact little number
thats just had a funky facelift. Rooms are a touch on
the small side, but its a fresh, party place with an
atmospheric rock-pool onsen.

Tr av el

STRAwbERRy fIELdS
fOREvER

There are
dangerous
no-go zones. hire a
guide for offpisTe The snow
can slide on iTs
bamboo base,
creaTing leThal
crevasses

Felix Milns and

Japanese-superhero
friend

Olympian skier
Osamu Yamazaki
on Annupuri

Off-piste skiing used to be forbidden in

Japan (a mix of red tape and the
ancient belief in sacred trees, which is
rather lovely), but no longer and
thank the gods. You just dont get
skiing like this in Europe, not
even close: pristine powder, not too
steep but with plenty of drop-offs;
birch-filled woods with huge snow
mushrooms glittering high on silvery
branches; pillow after pillow of fresh
snowfields. Its a Dr Seuss world
of surreal, sparkling marshmallows.
Totally sugoi (amazing are you
taking notes?).
Top-of-the-pops areas are the
Annupuri Gate, the Jackson Glades,
and Strawberry Fields in Hanazono.
Proper powder hounds should sign up
to the First Tracks programme (hanazo
noniseko.com/hpg), which gets you up
30 minutes early with the pisteurs, so
youre ahead of the crowds and skiing
fresh tracks all day.

LOST IN TRANSLATION
This is the part where we tell you all
about Tokyo, where youll spend the
first few nights to recover from the
flight, to get over the jetlag and to soak
up the raving, intoxicating insanity of
Japans capital.
Tokyo is sci-fi modern, yet rooted in
ancient Japan where sedate, kimonoclad wedding processions at Meiji Jingu
forest shrine dont bat an eye at the
panto-fashion tribes of neighbouring
Harajuku, where Lady Gaga comes for
inspiration. There are the sights: the
Tsukiji Fish Market, the Imperial
Palace Gardens, the new 2,080-foot
Sky Tree (twice the height of the Shard)
with its knee-trembling views.
And then theres the food. Tokyo
has more Michelin-starred restaurants
than any other city on the planet, plus
streetside soba and sushi bars that
would make Rick Stein hang up his
apron for good.
Stay at the Mandarin Oriental
(mandarinoriental.com), way up on the
3037th floors of a business building
in the historic Nihonbashi district,
the very heart of old Tokyo, with views
of Mount Fuji, the Imperial Palace
Gardens and the Sky Tree. (

Above, Tokyos
imperial palace
gardens. below,
The spa aT The
mandarin
orienTal Tokyo

geT up brighT
and early To
visiT The Tsukiji
fish markeT
The Tuna
aucTion happens
before 5am

Book it Ski Safari (skisafari.com; 01273 224060) offers eight nights at the Hilton Niseko Village and two at the Mandarin Oriental Tokyo, from 1,925
a person, including flights with British Airways and JAL and resort transfers. For more information on Tokyo, visit gotokyo.org/en/index.html.

Tr av el
Mount Blue
Cow, Australia

Mauna Kea,
Big Island, Hawaii

Mzaar, Lebanon

Keep it

SURREAL

Off the beaten piste: the weirdest in a mostly wonderful

way skiing in the world. By Georgina Blackwell

MauNa kEa,
big iSLaND, haWaii
No lifts, no resort, no piste bashers Mauna kea
is a volcano on big island that gets a snow hit in stormy
weather. Locals head up in 4x4s and use anything
to hand to zip back down: surfboards, boogieboards,
whatever. Watch out for the lava rocks.
Ski Dubai, Dubai
Ever wanted to ski in a shopping mall? No, neither
have we, but we had to include this one as its so
bonkers: 240,000 square feet of man-made
slopes in the desert and you can meet
actual penguins too.
Mzaar, LEbaNoN
Lebanon has seven ski resorts. and the best is
Mzaar, an hour from beirut, with buckets of
natural snow, wild aprs and it gets weirder a
penchant for bikini fashion shows in the snow.
YoNgpYoNg, South korEa
South korea has a booming ski scene no
wonder, given that the country is basically
all-mountain and the area of pyeongchang is hosting
the 2018 Winter olympics. Do: wear a silly hat.
Everyone does. Dont: try gangnam Style on skis. You
will look like an idiot.
DiziN, iraN
theres no aprs scene in iran. So thats a huge
surprise. but this resort, above tehran in the alborz
mountains, has staggeringly good skiing. its one of the
highest ski areas in the world, with tons of champagne
powder. Which is ironic, really.
afri-Ski, LESotho
You can ski in sub-Saharan africa! at
Lesothos charmingly named afri-Ski. it may
have only two pistes and a lot of man-made
snow but youre SkiiNg iN afriCa. and
prince harry loves Lesotho. Were hoping La Prince Harrys
actual ski hat
folie Douce will be making an appearance.

top, pyeongchang,
south korea,
above, a skier at
dizin, iran. below,
afri-ski, lesotho

10

looking good! the all-in-one through the ages

1920s

1930s

1940s

1950s

1960s

1970s

1980s

1990s

2000s

margaret,
its too funny
were supposed
to put these
on our feet!

drat. ive
gone out in
my shower
cap. again.

if i just stand
here looking
good and
smiling, no
one will
realise i
cant
actually
ski.

be honest
how
obvious is it
that
im still
wearing
my
pyjamas?

Joanna
lumley
proves that
theres no
such thing as
too much
corduroy.

silly me!
you cant
go up hills!

sir roger
moore: as
long as i
stand next to
her, no one
will notice
how red my
face is.

purple reign:
the fashion
icon that is
the prince
of wales
strikes again.

claudia
schiffer: do
my sunglasses
look big
in this?

photographs: conde nast archive, alamy, corbis, warren prior, perisher ski resort,
ort,
kobal, top foto, rex features, starstock, getty images, xposure. looking good! words by luciana bellini

SNoWY MouNtaiNS,
NEW South WaLES, auStraLia
Love those aussies. theyre so literal. they have
mountains, which are snowy, so what do they
call them? Snowy Mountains. theres great
skiing here, and Mount blue Cow is the
swishiest resort in the range. Disappointingly,
there arent any blue cows.
guLMarg, kaShMir, iNDia
a mecca for off-piste junkies who come for
the curry powder snow. Cons: power cuts, just
one gondola and, ahem, gulmarg gut. pros: the
heftiest snowfalls in the himalayas, which means
youll find the best powder in the world, ever.
VaLLE NEVaDo, ChiLE
the most chi-chi resort in Chile nay, the
southern hemisphere with the snazziest chairlifts
in South america, awesome back country
and skiers who make St Moritz regulars look
like hungover chalet girls.
MouNt hErMoN, iSraEL
this resort in the golan heights is a
sort of ski co-operative a skibbutz, if
you will operated by some 30 families
who live nearby in the alpine-like town
of Neve ativ. good snow isnt a dead
cert (this is the Middle East) but the views
are gobsmacking.

Tr av el

Where to go...
foR a StaRS & StRiPeS StoP-off
caliFOrNia drEamiNg?
YES

NO

FEEliNg SpOrtY?

FaNcY a FluttEr?

YES

NO

YES

NO

Rancho Valencia

PoSt Ranch inn

Big Sur

noBu hotel
caeSaRS Palace

new York

When staying at Rancho Valencia,

you must remember one essential
item: trainers. Proper, comfortable
sports trainers. This place is wasted
on the lazy. Take tennis lessons
from Wimbledon (semi-)finalists,
cycle the Rancho Santa Fe hills
with Tour de France pros or
enter into an intense yoga retreat
with the cream of the crop of
Californias coaches. Youll be
feeling so smug that therell be no
guilt in wallowing in the new
super-spa. Try the Sixth Sense
treatment, which includes a
massage and a soak in your own
outdoor bathtub (no one can see
you, promise). If you fancy a
duvet day, the suites are vast, with
enormous oak beds, pretty
Mexican tiles, terracotta terraces
and private plunge pools. Refuel
at Veladora, their hacienda
restaurant (has-THEE-enda;
keep saying it it only gets more
fun), and celebrate all that
exertion with the lemon souffl
pancakes. You will not regret it.

Suffer from vertigo? Want to nip

it in the bud? Come here for some
serious exposure therapy. There
cannot be a hotel in the world with
a better, more knee-trembling
location perched right on the
edge of the cliffs of Big Sur. Youre
1,200 feet up, so take a steadying
breath and drink it all in: the hazy
Pacific Ocean lashing the rocks;
the haunting, misty Californian
redwoods behind. The fear will be
knocked right out of you its
that sensational. Revel in your
newfound bravery from the
outdoor bath on your balcony,
from one of the serene infinity
pools or from the floor-to-ceiling
windows of your solar-powered
treehouse. Guests can embrace
their inner Cali hippie with a
shaman session sacred fire
dancing or meditative circlepainting for ailing couples. Far
out. Then its back to reality with
some Dutch courage and a gawp
at the sunset from the glass-walled
Sierra Mar restaurant.

OK, lets take a quick poll. What

comes to mind when you think
Vegas? Gambling, obvs. Booze and
boobs yes. Fake Elvises that
too. Naked Harry ooh, yes!
Understated minimalism and raw
fish? Not so much. But listen up:
Vegass latest addition is from
Nobu Matsuhisa (yes, that Nobu),
hidden away in the mammoth
Caesars Palace. Nobu, of course,
means one thing: sushi. And what
we really love about this place
serene rooms and swish restaurant
aside is the 24-hour roomservice menu. It has all the
favourites (miso black cod, bento
boxes), plus lots of never-beforeseen goodies, like green-tea waffles.
Once youve sampled every dish
it would be rude not to waddle
down to the Qua Baths and Spa
for the 90-minute Nagomi Ritual,
including a Japanese footbath,
massage and facial. Youll be
zen enough to brave the Strip.
Did someone say strip?

The NoMad is where you go if

youre grown-up but still want to
have fun. Not the dancing-onthe-table-flashing-your-bazongas
kind of fun, but a cool weekend
with a scrummy cocktail and a
flirty meal and an airy room
where two of you can soak in the
stand-alone bath while spying on
the apartments opposite (or
cheerfully waving while they spy
on you). Its fun but well turned
out, with velvety furnishings, dark
walls and sultry lighting and
HOT staff (you can chat them up
while youre tucking into the
hotels signature dish, the best
roast chicken in the world, ever).
The bar is done up like a library,
so you can feel all highbrow
while you get sozzled, and every
last detail is an understated,
terrifically subtle wink: in
the minibar, along with the usual
selection of munchies, theres a
trio of chicly packaged Kiki de
Montparnasse condoms.
See? Fun AND grown-up.

BOOK IT Audley Travel (audleytravel.

com) offers a 10-day trip, with 3 nights
at Rancho Valencia, from 2,300.

BOOK IT Double, from 410 (post

ranchinn.com; 001 831 667 2200).
More information: visitcalifornia.co.uk.

BOOK IT Double, from

105 (nobucaesarspalace.com;
001 800 727 4923).

BOOK IT Double, from

185 (thenomadhotel.com;
001 212 796 1500).

140 T a T l e r F e B r U a r Y 2 0 1 4

las Vegas

noMaD

WORDS: JENNIFER GEORGE, LUCIANA BELLINI

San Diego

TATLER pRomoTion

forever fabulous
Reassuringly traditional, classically timeless and gloriously
grand, The Dorchester on Park Lane is a true London great

Rising proudly and gracefully from a prestigious patch

of Mayfair, The Dorchester is an old-English favourite
thats hosted its fair share of fun over the past 80 years
(Peter Sellers and Britt Eklands frst meeting and Prince
Phillips stag night, to name a few). It stands in cracking
company, just a stones throw from much of Londons
superlative shopping destinations, making it the perfect
retail retreat.
On arrival, doormen in tailcoats whisk you through the
vast revolving doors into The Promenade
(pictured above), which stretches the
length of Nelsons Column. Here, the
hotel pianist serenades guests as they
recline on squishy sofas, enjoying
Afternoon Tea. Try the signature
Dorchester Blend, with Ceylon and golden Assam. Or, if
its too late for tea, sip one of the wines from the 460-strong
list, some of which date back to the Twenties, before
The Dorchester was even built! Upstairs, the achinglysophisticated suites offer sweeping views across Hyde
Park or the hotels landscaped terraces. But our favourite
part? They boast the deepest baths in London.

Beneath the buzz of The Promenade lies the

hotels knockout spa, where a chandelier made of
72,000 South Pacifc pearls hangs in pride of place
at the entrance. This is grooming heaven; glide
across the impossibly shiny marble foors, through
the maze of cream corridors and into one of nine
spacious (and sound-proof) therapy rooms or the
recently opened Carol Joy London hair salon.
And theres more. As befts such a grand hotel,
The Dorchester is home to
incredible restaurants and
impressive private dining
rooms. Londoners are falling
over themselves to book a table
at the three-Michelin-starred
Alain Ducasse, which serves up some of the fnest
contemporary French delicacieson on the planet, and
secure a booking at the Executive Chef (Henry Brosi)s
Table in the heart of The Dorchesters kitchens.
Whether you come to wine, dine, spa, shop or take tea,
you wont want to leave. So we suggest you luxuriate a
little longer by booking a three-night stay.

The sophisticated
suites boast the deepest
baths in London

Tatler offer
The Dorchester
is offering Tatler
readers a threenight stay, including
breakfast, for
the price of two
between 5 January
and 21 April 2014.
This is based on
two people sharing
you can choose
the room type and
includes a bottle
of Laurent-Perrier
Champagne.
To book, email
reservations.
TDL@dorchester
collection.com and
quote Tatler.
Subject to availability.

Sta r s

Zodiac

by Shelley von Strunckel

False start Ordinarily, the

Aquarius New Moon, on
30 January, would kickstart
a new cycle. But delays
prevent things coming
together until late February.
Question everything Youll spot
errors in fact or in your
perception of others intentions.
Best of the month Gradually you
see changes youve dreaded lead
surprisingly to your goals.

Pisces

18 February19 March

Wait and watch With Mercury

retrograde 628 February,
uncertainty is inevitable.
Learn, but from observation,
not analysis.
Bad news may not be Sudden
changes lead to confusion.
What seems worrying could be
a welcome turning point.
Best of the month The joy in
observing unexpected events
dole out overdue justice.

Aries

20 March19 April

Listen carefully Quick-thinking

Aries tend to ignore advice.
Now its not only worthwhile,
its crucial.
Consider everything Substantial
shifts in your work or lifestyle
may be unappealing or even
enforced. Still, ultimately
theyll be for the best.
Best of the month When you
find somebody you trust.
And they explain how changes
will benefit you.

TA u r u s

20 April20 May

Be flexible Initially this annoys

you. But surprise
developments soon reveal
why this is vital.
Explore everything You may

142

TaT l er f eb ruarY 2014

have good reason to refuse

certain offers, personal or
professional. But circumstances
have changed and so have you.
Best of the month Your delight
and amazement when things
come together superbly.

Gemini

21 May20 June

View arrangements as
experiments This comes
naturally to you. But others will
definitely need an explanation.
Be tough Money, your time and
your ideas theyre all valuable.
Ensure everybody knows that.
Best of the month The past
errors and insights exposed by
your ruler Mercurys retrograde
cycle, 628 February.

cA n c e r

21 June21 July

Say yes first Offers may be

sudden or far out. Yet
theyll only be introducing
exciting changes.
Take chances Getting involved
when short of facts seems
insane. If your instincts say yes,
trust them.
Best of the month Seeing how,
despite dramas and doubts, the
puzzle pieces fit perfectly.

Leo

22 July22 August

Be open Emotional issues peak

at the Leo Full Moon on the
14th. Theyre crucial. Feel
both lifes joys and its
challenges and let others
know about it.
Analysis can wait In time youll
talk things over. For now, dwell
on each days developments.
Best of the month Discovering
seemingly worrying changes
were beginning a new cycle.

V i rG o

23 August22 September

Welcome mistakes This is out of

character. But with your ruler
Mercury retrograde
628 February, errors arent just
inevitable, theyre informative.
Go with the flow Since planning
only makes you anxious,
abandon it altogether.
Best of the month Suddenly
you regain your sense
of humour. Even frustrating
errors seem funny.

LibrA

23 September22 October

What do you really want? This

question arises often
and involves putting your

StAr Struck

Aq u A r i u s

Baroness Lane-Fox of Soho, 10 February 1973

Aquarian traits include cleverness, instincts for technology
and trendspotting and a charitable nature. Martha has
them all. First came her co-creation of lastminute.com, its
spectacular float and stunning dip in value, between 1998
and 2004. This made headlines and yielded her a
diminished, yet serious, fortune. Then a holiday accident left
her with lingering injuries, calling her attention to disabilities.
With five planets in restless, inquisitive air signs, shes a
multi-tasker. Shes advised the government on the UKs lack of
digital prowess and, equally, focused on corporate boards and
charities. Her more recent role as life peer may seem a leap, and
tough Saturn says battles await her, but that ancient chamber will
thrive from the vision and instinctive humanity she brings to it.

Wondering why the dates for the signs have changed? The explanation is at shelleyvonstrunckel.com

interests first. This proves

unexpectedly challenging.
Speak from the heart You think
you already have.
Best of the month The simple
conversations that
end persistent worries.

s co r P i o

23 October21 November

Let others spoil you Forget

worries about their motivation.
Theyre being generous and
kind because they care.
Offer advice Often you keep
thoughts to yourself. Yet these
are perceptive and wise. And
could make a huge difference.
Best of the month Doing
nothing with those whose
company is an effortless joy.

s AG i T TA r i u s

22 November20 December

Take trying situations seriously

Usually you ride out even tricky
matters effortlessly. Now these
require fast action.
Be prepared for changes Perhaps
its surprise offers. Or that
which once worked no longer
does. Whatever the case, its out
with the old, in with the new.
Best of the month Recovering
your sense of adventure.

cA P r i co r n

21 December19 January

Ask questions What seems

worrying initially could be a
breakthrough. However,
youre short of facts and
the basis of arrangements
is shifting seismically.
Dont be hasty The best
response to challenging
situations isnt necessarily
the first one. Do some
serious exploring.
Best of the month Watching
what seem disastrous
developments come good. And
more than once.

PHOTOGRAPH: cHARlie GRAy

Aq u A r i u s

20 January17 February

This is the page youre looking for

Continued FRoM page 63

them in their
too demonstrative
sorrow. Excessive
emotion is about
us everywhere.
Footballers kiss
and cuddle when
they score their
goals and weep
when they lose;
players of tennis, on the other hand, weep
when they win and throw themselves to the
ground as though in gratitude to Mother
Earth. Teenagers jump up and down, clasp
and cling, and scream with hysteria at some
pathetic accumulation of Bs and Cs in an
exam, and every ordinary birth, death and
marriage is the occasion for an unrestrained
torrent of tears, joy indistinguishable
from grief.
How is it that fortitude, for so long a
traditional British virtue, has become so
adulterated? It was a force for survival in
World War Two and there was evidence
of it as late as the Winter of Discontent of
19734 and the Falklands Campaign

The sTiff upper

lips favouriTe phrases

photograph: rex features

Dont mind me, its only a scratch...

It happens to all of us... Dont let the
buggers get you down... Kick on...
Bit of a bore...

of 1982, and I am sure that the stiff upper

lip played its part in Iraq and Afghanistan
as well, but only as an Army thing.
Would we, in another war as long and
as close at hand as World War Two, not as
soldiers but as a nation, face the attacks,
deprivations and losses with the fortitude
that we had then? I doubt it and I mourn
its loss. I long for the restoration of the
moral hero in our education system, be he
as flawed as Moses, Samson, David and
the gods of Greece and Rome, as perfect as
Biggles or as vulgarly imperfect as William,
so that we might grasp again the concepts
of fortitude, self-sacrifice, heroism and
gravitas. We could begin by demanding
decorum in the comprehensive school, on
the football pitch and on the tennis court,
but these are common times and wed
not be understood. For the stiff upper lip
to return to idiomatic English, we need
another war. (

This is the page youre looking for

Continued FRoM page 83

about tax. According to Davies, his charitable

foundation gave 400,000 to right-wing
political think tanks who are campaigning,
among other things... for lower taxes.
But they were not the only recipients of his
largesse. Hans Sr may not like handing the
taxman money, but he enjoys giving it to
others. In 2006 he was given an honorary
knighthood for services to charity. In the
previous 12 years, it was said, he had donated
146m to various causes, from medical
research to local community efforts in Sussex.
Sigrid, as we have seen, is also generous
with her money and so, too, is her brother.
Hans K and Eva spent tens of millions helping
charities working with addicts. The Prince of

Commonwealth were bought and, in

Scotland, Lisbet and Sigrid each purchased
estates in the Highlands. Sigrids Coignafearn,
around 45,000 acres, in the Monadhliath
mountains, has become a haven for golden
eagles. Lisbet built a futuristic granite castle
dubbed Alcatraz by locals at Corrour, her
57,000-acre property on Loch Ossian.
Finished in cutting-edge Scandinavian style,
with chairs by Arne Jacobsen and a Hans
Olsen dining table, Corrour boasts an Anish
Kapoor sculpture and an entire whales
jawbone in the decor. The house cost her
20m. Lisbet runs her estate as a holiday
business and the main lodge is available to
rent. Prices start at 30,000 a week. Like her
sister, Lisbet is very keen to attract golden
eagles to her land, but say her neighbours
at a terrible price. Both sisters have carried
out massive deer culls (one local described their
actions as a massacre) to encourage the growth
of trees and other flora attractive to birds.
Killing deer on that scale is damaging to
the local economy, says Jamie Williamson, a
neighbouring landowner on the Alvie and
Dalraddy Estates. They have been persuaded
they have to kill the deer to nurture the eagles.

the prince of wales

called hans k one very
special philanthropist
Wales, who is on first-name terms with Hans
K, called him one very special philanthropist.
Eva was a co-patron, with the Duchess of
Cambridge, of the charity Action on Addiction.
Dr Lisbet Rausing, the eldest of Hans Srs
children, is also a generous giver tens of
millions to Save the Children, Fauna & Flora
International and a project to save endangered
languages, among other charities. She, her
father and her mother have also donated to the
Conservatives. Electoral Commission records
show that, between them, the three have given
689,000 in the past 10 years.
Lisbet and her second husband, Peter
Baldwin, an American professor of history,
have a house in Holland Park and, like her
sister Sigrid, a home in Sussex and an estate in
Scotland. She has two children from her first
marriage to art historian Joseph Koerner.
Lisbet, 53, is dauntingly clever: an academic
and linguist who wrote a book on Swedish
botanist Carl Linnaeus. In Scotland, she is
also controversial.
When Hanss family received the 4.4bn, a
decision was made to invest heavily in land.
Great tracts in Canada and other parts of the

Lisbet even left carcasses out on the hill to feed

them. The deer we shoot are sold as food,
but with this sort of culling we are shooting less
and less.
Williamson is chairman of the Monadhliath
Deer Management Group and says he tried
to persuade the Rausing sisters to attend
meetings. They would find a wide spectrum
of views and I think it would help them to
understand the damage they are doing to their
neighbours, he says. So far, they havent come.
Sigrid has robustly defended her estatemanagement practices. She said the land was
overgrazed by deer, at the expense of trees
and flowers. There is no doubt that culling is a
very emotive subject, with strong views on
both sides, but Sigrid is unlikely to be deterred
from doing what she believes to be right. Its
something they might recognise at Granta.
As Sigrid emerges as a major player in
British cultural life, its inevitable she will
attract scrutiny like never before. Her brother
too, re-entering society after a tragic scandal,
can expect no less. As a family, the Rausings
have always seemed to prefer anonymity.
It will be interesting to see how they cope. (

Social editor TIBBS JENKINS

Photographer HUGO BURNAND

photograph: alex wilson

ghostly
goings-on
over the
page if you
dare...

maya & ella

martin at the
wishes & witches
party, mayfair

To see thousands more joyous bystander photographs, go to tatler.com

B ysta n der
ghouls
& boys...
...come out to
play at wishes
& witches

carina &
adam dunbar
aliai & axel
dickson
mattia &
valentina
fazio
& livia
hilhorst

kian, mia &

celine harden

scare tactics
Frighteningly good fun all round

lindsey k aliksanyan &

thea babington-stitt

he little ghosts and ghouls at Wishes and

Witches, a Halloween fundraiser held at
One Mayfair by the Lyla Nsouli Foundation
for Childrens Brain Cancer Research, were
fuelled on glow-in-the-dark candyfloss. So its
no surprise that the dancing to The Rocky
Horror Picture Shows The Time Warp got a
little frantic. Meanwhile, over in Kensington,
it was more of a monster mash at Pearl
van den Ende, Violet Naylor-Leyland and
Amber Guinnesss Rasputin-themed bash
at Ruskis. In this instance, the fuel was
pumpkin-vodka shots, and Geordie NaylorLeyland and Fritz von Preussen played
Trick AND Treat in the backroom. Amber
Guinness and Will Roper-Curzon,
meanwhile, owned the dancefloor with
their skeleton stomp. Bone-shaking...

Eleanor and Ta
mara Otaibi

naya
malas

Photographed by ALEX WILSON

from russia
with blood
ra-rarasputin
at ruskis

Make mine a
grin and tonic

Georgia Davies and Earl-James Atkinson

samantha
wilkinson &
courtney
antrobus

pippa macdiarmid,
laura gabrielle &
christina rossetto
amber guinness,
grace pilkington &
pearl van den ende

ALEXIA
DE RIBEROLLES &
RASmuS mIchAu

vIcOmtE ARthuR
DE SOuLtRAIt
& JuAN PEPA

SEBAStIEN
BREtEAu
& cAROLINE
tEmPLEtON

BAD LUCK, DUCK

Blazing away in Burgundy

rchie Lord and Juan Pepa dont

suffer from anatidaephobia the
irrational fear that one is being watched
by a duck. If anything, ducks and drakes
throughout Europe have a (very rational)
fear of the aforementioned chaps. On a
recent shoot at Arthur de Soultraits family
home in Burgundy, Archie and Juan, with a
little help from Will Lord and Frans von
Chrismar, managed to fill a bag that far
outweighed all previous attempts. But was
duck lorange on the menu that night? Mais
non! They feasted on wild-boar stew and
drank their fair share of the local vin de table
which might explain why they were up on
the kitchen table at 3am, shaking their tail
feathers while Antoine de Chabannes got
busy on the decks. What a quacker.

vIcOmtE ERIc
DE SOuLtRAIt
& EDOuARD
chAtENOuD

Photographed by CEDRIC CANEZZA

fREDERIc JOuSSEt &

JuLIE DE PImODAN
RASmuS
mIchAu

vINcENt
tRAPENARD

ANDREAS DE
mARmIES

WILL
LORD

EDOuARD PEERS
DE NIEuWBuRgh
& PADDy mAgAN

photograph: getty images

Derby

An

collective
nouns

rush of oligArchs

flAxen of

of chArity lAdies

freebie of minor royAls

rAndy of riders

A tory of o ld etoniAns

yAddA of cokeheAds

A big swinging dick of guns

A pint

An

ingot of blondes

A smug

of

old hArroviAns

A rAttle of

nAnnies

Ambition of J ohnsons

triffid of

guinnesses

cAlthorpes

lemming of heli - skiers

yAwn of bores

B ysta n der

eLIzAbeTH wILSON
& gUy PeLLy

ASTrId, SArAH-jULIeT
& dAVINA HArbOrd

I cAN heAR MuSIc...

edwArd fOx
& NIcKy STAffOrd

OLIVIA HUNT
& TOM INSKIP

Kind-hearted crooners converge on Mayfair

any a gentleman has been captivated by

Susanna Warrens charms, so George
Frost can be forgiven for having spent most
of a recent evening at Mortons gazing at her
in appreciative awe. Susanna was serenading
James Blunt, Frederica-Lovell Pank and
Tom Inskip with Somewhere Over the
Rainbow at a music night organised by Astrid
Harbord and Viscountess Gormanston
in aid of the Childrens Trust. Edward Fox,
however, was immune to her allure and hid
upstairs until his old pal Nicky Haslam
took to the mic later in the evening. Susanna
was just too loud for poor old Mr Fox.
w

SUSANNA wArreN
& cArL jOSePH

ALIce
NAyLOrLeyLANd
& dAVId
PeAcOcK

Photographed by ALEX WILSON

Nicky Haslam
PHILIP wOMAcK
wITH VIOLeT HUdSON

with charlie
de bono

wITH ATTIcUS
ATHILL

the book club

Writers go wild in Tufnell Park

wITH POPPy
beAMISH

iterary types (and others) of all ages

flocked to Philip Womacks 30thbirthday party, held in the new development
designed by his architect girlfriend, Tatiana
von Preussen, in Tufnell Park consisting of
two triangular houses. Surely a tricky shape
to navigate when drunk? Frances Wilson
presented a Game of Thrones birthday card
shed made herself (Philips a fan). Meanwhile,
bookish chat ensued between Ivo Stourton
and Tom Fleming, while Harry Roper-Curzon
turned Freya Wood upside down on the
dancefloor. On the other side of the room,
Brigid von Preussen was chatted up by
Atticus Athill and Gabriel Hudson. Everyone
danced (and headbanged) until the early hours.
Photographed by DARREN GERRISH

With Anna Elliot and James

Elliot

wITH jULIA
MArLOw

wITH frANceS
wILSON

farEs
& tania
farEs
stEPHEn BinDon
& CHris HanLEy

stars & stripes

Saving tigers in deepest Mayfair

roBErta HanLEy & sara

BErtranD suLiCHin

PrinCEss
tamara
Czartoryska
stEPHEn
fry

uesday supper is usually a chilled

affair, spag bol or yawn adhering
to your 5:2 diet. Not so if you were lucky
enough to be invited to Sir David Tang
and Stephen Frys supper at China Tang
in aid of the new charity China Tiger
Revivalzygmunt
and the Prince of Waless Charitable
sikorski-mazur
Foundation.
There, Princess Tamara
Czartoryska and Li Quan were surprised
to discover that six of the seven courses
were made with tofu (sweet-and-sour mock
prawn, anyone?). You couldnt tell the
difference, honestly. You dont, however,
mess with Peking duck, so that managed
to sneak through unadulterated. Nor do
you play around with Sir Davids bedtime
he left at 10.15pm sharp. Or, perhaps, like
Stephen, he was rushing home to watch the
final episode of Breaking Bad. Spoiler alert:
w.
tigers will become extinct if you dont act now.

sir DaViD
tang

Photographed by DAFYDD JONES

Jo manoukian

Lady Tang

mark
sHanD

all aflutter
Love is like a butterfly ball

frED riCHarDson
& anniE riCHarDson
CHiCa HErBErt & mikE &
angiE rutHErforD

t the Butterfly Ball held at the

Natural History Museum in
memory of much-loved language student
Alex Richardson, who died in 2009, James
Cracknell didnt mix his starter of pea and
quail-egg ravioli with the roast seabass
main and then lightly garnish it with the
chocolate pudding. But he did entertain
Coral Pritchard-Gordon, Sir Michael
Stoute and other luminaries of the racing
world with tales of the bizarre food habits
he has developed since his cycling accident
(hes lost all sense of taste and smell). James
wasnt making light of a serious subject,
though he was helping raise 200,000 in
support of Headway (the brain-injury
association) and the Injured Jockeys Fund.
CLarE BaLDing
& aLiCE arnoLD

JoHnny mCkEEVEr,
niCHoLas DEtErDing
& susiE mCkEEVEr
mELaniE BrougHton
& karEn CrisforD

LaDy CaroLyn
WarrEn
& PEtEr stanLEy

LuCinDa WrigHt,
kEVin WiLLiams
& saraH Cumani

angus goLD
& gEorgina
PEmBErton

B ysta n der

I fear nothing.
Im even smoking
on a hay bale
katherine
cosby &
meade
kennedy

ed & clemmie
harris
sarah evans,
clementine
keith-roach &
cosima axford

rural treat
A dreamy woodland wedding

rory shearer
& kate winser

d Harris nipped into Austique in 2008

to buy a candle and instead came out
with his future wife... He spent five years
courting Clemmie (ne Chant-Sempill),
whose present-wrapping skills had so caught
his eye that day. Their Somerset wedding
was woodland-themed: tables were called
things like Squirrels Drey and Moles
Fortress, and guests name cards were
decorated with forest creatures although
Sophia Sackville as a toad? There must
have been some mistake. The photo
booth, meanwhile, was a riot of badger
and fox masks, and those who werent busy
disgracing themselves taking risqu pics
(boob shots? You know who you are) were
misbehaving in a giant ferret house.

lord sempill
& amanda
chant-sempill
davina
harbord

Photographed by VICTORIA DAWE

chris lewis,
cosima sempill
& frances
russell

florence st
george &
harry soames

dancing
queens with
a dancing
machine

harry
soames

Its a
hat trick!

lucie hirst &

harry soames

violet
vestey
& harry
soames

olivia perry,
hannah
schuster &
maddie
chesterton

sophia
sackville &
lara pilkington

hamish & thom

mackenziesempill
& jo anson

name name
name
Albert Ha

rris & Jamie McDonald

simon
harris

suzanne &
martin read

phoebe & luke

rodgers

cosima &
lieutenant
joshua axford

kim beddall
& ian chantsempill
ed sackville &
lily fortescue

annabelle
sheppard

bunny & charlie

ferguson-davie

tom fyson &

kats scott

albert harris &

marcus & aalish
yorke-long

B ysta n der
sylvain ercoli &
suzanne duckett

SPA WARS
Battle of the senses at the Tatler Spa Awards

emma flynn &

charlotte rous

here was one question on everyones

lips at the Tatler Spa Awards 2014,
sponsored by Healing Holidays: are you a
purist or a hedonist? Do you: a) enjoy
spending a week chewing each mouthful of
your daily 500 calorie allowance 140 times,
enduring ice-cold showers and rising two
hours before sunrise for a 20K sprint? Or
b) love a massage, a fluffy towel and a glass
of champagne? Guess what, some weirdos
really do go for the former. Those folk are
probably also partial to wheatgrass, which
wasnt to be found on the cunning menu
the Bulgari Hotel in Knightsbridge had
created to please the sensually divided
guests; instead there were fruit crushes vs
champagne and tuna tartare vs foie gras
it was a party, after all.
Photographed by DArren GerriSH

pippa blake &

gordon roddick

TAT L E R
SP A AWA R D S

2014

katie winterbourne
& gerrie pitt
francisca
kellett

PURIST WINNERS
OSTS
PERFECT FOR YOUTH BO
ce
Pala
at
not
Che
ri
Espace Hen
Merano, Italy
RVELS
BEST FOR MEDICAL MA
tria
Aus
,
Igls
tel
kho
Par
BEST OF BRITISH
Bulgari Hotel, London
RS
HEDONIST WINNE
LICS
FRO
ILY
FAM
R
FO
T
PERFEC
ny
ma
Ger
Schloss Elmau,
ENCE
BEST FOR ALL-IN INDULG
Fusion Maia, Vietnam
TOP TRAILBLAZER
Botanique, Brazil

Maximilian Newiger
albert read,
caroline phillips &
patricia stevenson

What your drink says about you

ArtisAnAl Gin And tonic
You live in New Cross Gate and have a beard.
Your drink is in a jam jar and costs 17. Sometimes
you get a bit exhausted with being so cool.
FlAminG FerrAri At nAm lonG
You wear red trousers.
ros
Youre clearly English and are trying to persuade
yourself it is summer. (The Italians would never
dream of going pink. Ever.)
reAl Ale
Smug.

chAmpAGne
Who are you? Who knows. And, after a bottle
of bubbles, who cares. Youre just having fun,
right, out with the girls. Unless its a
really expensive bottle of champagne.
sex on the BeAch
You are 14 years old. You have not had sex on
a beach. You have not had sex.
And youll be vomiting later.
Bloody mAry
You dont have a drink problem youre
just making sure you get one of
your five a day. Before noon.

VodkA sodA
Youre anorexic and no fun.
sloe Gin
There really is nothing better than the good
old outdoors, combined with a little casual killing
on the weekend. Is there? No. Not really.
Except for black Lab puppies.
Aperol spritz
Gosh, arent you with it? But do you
actually like the taste?
AnythinG And red Bull
Seek help.

in the sin bin

chloe lopes cardozo

& james hanna
yusuf yassin &
siobhan omalley

Its such fun being bad

kiran sagoo

G
charlotte brouwer
& graham gannon

uilty Pleasures: Deadly Sins two

sides of the same coin, and the theme
of Charlotte Brouwers party at home in
Chelsea. And what a decadently infernal
affair it was: strippers and topless waiters
provided lusty entertainment; gluttons were
satisfied by the plentiful chests of drawers
brimming with sweets (Graham Gannon
and Kate Porter, dressed as Hansel and
Gretel, spent most of the evening eating
Rolos). There was anger too, when the band
cancelled on the day and the chocolate
fountains consistency turned lumpy, but
comfort could be found in the slothful
embrace of the armchairs and Persian rugs
that created a smokers paradise in the garden.
Photographed by DARREN GERRiSH

adrian pascutulbure
charlie eddlestone &
charlotte versavel
caroline
bennett

Hands off
hes mine!

cain hayward-hughes
& james hanna
anna williamson
& katie gunn

suraya jina

Lies to tell lefties

Theres no such thing as a clutch bag
What, are you on drugs? Why would anybody
carry a bag without a handle or a strap?
You think we have so many hands that we can
afford to balance a satchel in one of them
all night? No. What we do, see, is use bags until
the handles break. And then we flog them to
mugs like you, who carry them around, blithely,
while we nudge each other and laugh.
By Hugo Rifkind, who writes for The Times

sofie
sunesson

A ddr e s s book

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AMaras a-maras.com
Alejandro Ingelmo
at The Corner
Angels fancydress.com
Annoushka
annoushka.com
Arne arne.com
Bottega Veneta
33 Sloane Street, SW1
(020 7838 9394)
Browns 2427 South
Molton Street, W1
(020 7514 9969)
Browns Focus 24 South
Molton Street, W1 (020
7514 0063)
Burberry burberry.com
Calvin Klein
calvinklein.com
Cartier cartier.co.uk
Champion Hats
at Harrods
Chanel 158 159 New
Bond Street, W1
(020 7493 5040)
Charlotte Olympia
56 Maddox Street,
W1 (020 7499 0145)
Cleo B cleob.com
The Corner thecorner.com
Daks 10 Old Bond Street,
W1 (020 7409 4000)
Dina Kamal at Dover
Street Market
Dior Homme at Harrods
DKNY 27 Old Bond Street,
W1 (020 7499 6238)
Dover Street Market
1718 Dover Street,
W1 (020 7518 0680)
Emilia Wickstead
28 Cadogan Place, SW1
(020 7235 1104)
Emilio Cavallini
emiliocavallini.com
Emilio Pucci 170 Sloane
Street, SW1
(020 7201 8171)
Ermanno Scervino
198199 Sloane Street,
SW1 (020 7235 0558)
Fendi 181182
Sloane Street, SW1
(020 7838 6288)
Grard Darel
gerarddarel.com
Giles 020 7247 7195
Gina gina.com
Gucci 18 Sloane Street,
SW1 (020 7235 6707)
Harrods 020 7730 1234
Harvey Nichols 020
7235 5000
Herms 155 New
Bond Street, W1 (020
7499 8856)
Jason Wu at Browns

horsing
around, page 98
Jimmy Choo 32 Sloane
Street, SW1 (020 7823
1051)
John Galliano
johngalliano.com
Just Cavalli at Harrods
Karl Lagerfeld at
Selfridges
Kate Spade New York
14 Langley Court, WC2
(020 7836 3988)
Katie Rowland
katie-rowland.com
The Kooples
thekooples.com
LK Bennett
lkbennett.com
Lanvin 128 Mount Street,
W1 (020 7491 1839)
Louis Vuitton 1719 New
Bond Street, W1S (020
7399 4050)
Marni 26 Sloane Street,
SW1 (020 7245 9520)
Matches
matchesfashion.com
Michael Kors 153 New
Bond Street, W1 (020
7409 0844)
Milly at Harrods

Missoni 138 New

Bond Street, W1 (020
3551 4888)
Miu Miu 150 New
Bond Street, W1 (020
7409 0900)
Moschino and Moschino
Cheap & Chic
moschino.com
Oscar de la Renta 130
Mount Street, W1 (020
7493 0422)
Osman at Matches
Paul Smith Black Label
paulsmith.com
Pierre Hardy pierrehardy.
com; and at
Harvey Nichols
Piers Atkinson
piersatkinson.com
Prada 4345 Sloane St
SW1 (020 7235 0008)
Preen at Selfridges
Roger Vivier
188 Sloane Street, SW1
(020 7245 8270)
Roland Mouret
rolandmouret.com
Schuh schuh.co.uk
Selfridges 0800 123400

Shopbop shopbop.com
Simone Rocha
at Browns Focus
Sportmax 21 Old Bond
St, W1 (020 7499 7902)
Stella McCartney
stellamccartney.com
Stylebop stylebop.com
Temperley London
temperleylondon.com
Topshop Unique
topshop.com
Valentino 174 Sloane
Street, SW1 (020 7235
5855)
Versace 183184 Sloane
Street, SW1 (020 7259
5700)
Vic Mati at Shopbop
Vicki Sarge 38 Elizabeth
St, SW1 (020 7259 0202)
Victoria Beckham
victoriabeckham.com
Victoria, Victoria
Beckham at Stylebop
Violets Box
violetsbox.com
Yoko 49 Beauchamp
Place, SW3 (020
7589 1564)

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TaT l er f eb ruarY 2014

167

Whats it like to be...

andrew neils GOlden reTrieVer,
Miss MOllY

ve been on the set of This Week a few times but its not sparked
any particular interest in politics. Diane Abbott can be a real bore
and I fell asleep before David Starkey even started talking. I do
wish Id been on the set when that lunatic conspiracy theorist
Alex Jones began yelling at Andrew. Id have shown him how to behave
like me a French lady of high standing. Not a circus dog.
After spending the whole of August in Grasse, I miss the smells and
open spaces of the South of France. But more than that, I long to
see my brother, Mr Junior. We were completely inseparable and fooled
around endlessly. Andrew says it was quite exhausting when we got
together. Now my favourite playmate is Douglas. The partridge.

Photographed by
CH ARLIE CLIFT

I eat the usual dog food but do like to watch my weight. Andrews
partner Susan is very good at taking me to Hyde Park early every
morning for a fine old frolic. Ive learnt that not every dog wants to be
my best friend. But the squirrels are less able to put up a fight.
Back at home, I sleep on a bed in the same room as Andrew and
Susan. Its perfectly comfortable but Id rather have my own space
where I could really stretch out, watch Sky News (rather than Breaking
Bad ) or listen to Daft Punk without interruption. Deborah Feldman
While Miss Molly flitted between copies of The Spectator and Dogs
Monthly, Andrew Neil confessed that she can be quite a diva (with High
Tory leanings, of course).

Investec Derby Festival

Epsom Downs Racecourse, 6-7 June 2014
investec.com/derby Follow us on

@investec_sport

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