The American Journal of Family Therapy, 39:8899, 2011

Copyright Taylor & Francis Group, LLC

ISSN: 0192-6187 print / 1521-0383 online
DOI: 10.1080/01926187.2010.530169

Reuniting Estranged Family Members:

A Cognitive-Behavioral-Systemic Perspective
FRANK M. DATTILIO
Department of Psychiatry, Harvard Medical School, Boston, Massachusetts, USA

MICHAEL P. NICHOLS
Department of Psychology, College of William and Mary, Williamsburg, Virginia, USA

During the course of their clinical work, couple and family therapists may encounter situations in which family members have
become estranged. While some of these estrangements have to do
with reasons beyond family members control, such as adoptions,
etc., many cases are primarily the result of deliberate separation
over hurt feelings sparked by disputes. This article offers an integrated approach, combining cognitive-behavioral techniques with
an integrated family systems strategy for reuniting estranged family members. An extended case example illustrates specific interventions, with a discussion section addressing the challenges and
pitfalls that may be encountered in the process of healing family
feuds.
Most people would like to think that family feuds are the kind of thing
that happens in other peoples families. Nor are therapists immune from
underestimating how commonly ruptures occur in families. For every client
who seeks help with an estrangement, there may be three or four cases in
which a rift isnt mentioned but nevertheless exerts a poisonous influence
on the family in treatment.
A recent review of the professional literature yielded surprisingly few
publications addressing voluntary estrangement among family members. A
literature search through PsychInfo and MedSearch over the course of the
past 20 years did, however, list several articles addressing involuntary estrangements. Many of these separations were the result of foster placement
Portions of this manuscript were presented in a lecture by the first author to the Department of Psychology at the University of Iceland in May 2009.
Address correspondence to Frank M. Dattilio, Department of Psychiatry, Harvard Medical
School, 25 Shattuck Street, Boston, MA 02115. E-mail: frankdattilio@cs.com
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due to child abuse, neglect, or special long-term needs (Bellamy, 2008;

Nelson, Mitrani, & Szapocznik, 2000; Terling, 1999), as well as substance
abuse (Brook & McDonald, 2009; Maluccio & Aimsworth, 2003), incorrigibility and runaways (Thompson & Pillai, 2006; Liu, 2005; Thompson, Kost, &
Pollio, 2003), parental incarceration (Hayward & DePanfilis, 2007), adoption
(Kernan & Lansford, 1997), and immigration (Suarez-Orozco & Todorova,
2002). Aside from these sanctioned separations, very little appears in the
professional literature on the problem of estrangement due to voluntary separation among family members (Dattilio, 2010) As a result of the limited
resources to guide them, clinicians may fall into the same wishful thinking
common to family members hoping for reconciliationthe assumption that
healing a feud just means getting estranged family members in the same
room together and having them open up to each other.

TRADITIONAL FAMILY THERAPY

Many of the traditional approaches to family therapy offer strategies for
addressing intrafamilial conflict. But most of these focus on promoting interaction (like structural family therapy) or uniting to fight a common problem
(like narrative and solution-focused therapies). Murray Bowen had a lot to
say about family cutoffs (Bowen, 1966; Kerr & Bowen, 1988), but most of
his emphasis was on explaining how cutoffs poison entire extended families.
His advice for resolving estrangements emphasized re-opening cut-off relationships and then learning to control the emotional reactivity behind them.
Beyond addressing emotional reactivity, the cognitive-behavioral model offers insight into the thought processes that underlie that reactivity.
Dattilio (2010) has proposed a cognitive-behavioral model in which the
schemas that family members develop in family estrangements need to be
uncovered and addressed in order to facilitate the unification process. Consistent with systems theory, the cognitive-behavioral approach to families is
based on the premise that members of a family simultaneously influence, and
are influenced by, each others thoughts, emotions, and behavior (Dattilio,
2001; Leslie, 1988). In order to understand the family system, its important
to get to know the individual family members and how they interrelate. As
each family member formulates his or her own cognitions, behavior, and
emotions, as well as responding to cues from the responses of other family
members, he or she forms assumptions about family dynamics, which then
develop into relatively stable schemas or cognitive structures. These cognitions, and the actions they drive, elicit responses from other family members
that constitute the moment-to-moment interactions within the family. This
interplay stems from the more stable schemas that serve as the foundation
for the familys functioning (Dattilio, Epstein, & Baucom, 1998).

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A feud is more than a quarrel, though it may start out as one. A quarrel becomes a feud when the animosity sets and hardens in a schema of
bitterness and blame. Family members become alienated and stop speaking
to each other. Feuds are similar to what Bowenians call emotional cutoffs
(Kerr & Bowen, 1988), but in a cutoff there is distance without open hostility. Cutoffs are usually slow in the making; feuds are triggered by a sudden
feeling of betrayal. People who cut off emotionally cultivate a protective
indifference. They avoid each other, but if required to be in each others
presence, they can go through the motions. In a feud, the wounds are too
raw to pretend they dont exist. Emotionally cut-off family members tend not
to think about each other; feuding family members think of little else.
Schemas are very important in the application of cognitive-behavioral
therapy with estranged families. These longstanding beliefs that members
hold about each other and their relationships may not always be apparent,
but they are always powerful. Uncovering and evaluating these underlying
expectations is central to cognitive-behavioral family therapy.
Estranged family members are especially likely to have formed biased
perceptions of each other. These biased perceptions (what narrative therapists call totalizing views [Dickerson & Zimmerman, 1992]) reduce other
family members to one set of frustrating responses. Thus, parents who see
their children as disloyal tend to focus on anything that supports this assumption as though that were the sum total of their childrens being. Such
biased perceptions lead to antagonism and polarization; and thus children
of such parents are likely to see them as totally unfair. As long as both
sides remain fixed in such polarized perspectives, they may be too bitter to
re-examine their assumptions.

DYSFUNCTIONAL SCHEMAS THAT CONTRIBUTE

TO FAMILY ESTRANGEMENT
As noted earlier, various distortions in family members thinking may have
a destructive impact on relationships in the family. Especially during times
of conflict, cognitive distortions may develop that contribute to dysfunctional behavior as a means of trying to maintain control in the face of
disruption. Stonewalling is one of the most common features of family estrangement since the family members estranging themselves may thwart
other family members by simply denying them contact and thus making
further attempts at reconciliation impossible. Schemas around such activity
may involve beliefs about power, control, or vulnerability and measures of
self-protectiveness. They also often involve an element of vindictiveness as a
means of punishing the family members who have wronged them in one way
or another. This desire to punish or get back at others by ostracizing them
from their lives is quite powerful and often at the center of some peoples

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91

belief systems. Such actions may serve as a form of retaliation and, in some
cases, deprivation as in the case of children who may deny their parents
contact with their grandchildren.
The following case demonstrates how a cognitive-behavioral-systemic
approach was employed in reuniting a family that was estranged for almost
two years.

CASE EXAMPLE
What Will People Think?
Eric and Donna was a married couple in their late 40s who consulted the first
author. They were well dressed and exuded confidence. Eric and Donna both
had fair skin, blond hair, and blue eyes. When Donna called to request the
appointment, she said there were family problems, but failed to elaborate.
I started with the usual, So what brings you here?
Donna said, Were having problems with our oldest daughter whos
made some choices that Eric isnt happy with.
Eric interrupted. What do you mean choices that Eric isnt happy with?
What about you?
I didnt say I wasnt, Donna acknowledged. Im just handling it a little
differently than you are, thats all. Sitting on the edge of her seat, looking
away from her husband, Donna went on. We have two daughters, ages 18
and 22. Our oldest, Lis, has been involved with a man from Ghana for the
last two years. At first she kept it a secret from us, but eventually she told us
about this guy, Kori, who she met through friends.
I have to admit, I was surprised that she would date someone from
Africa, Donna said. But when I met him I liked him. Eric, on the other
hand, was beside himself when he learned that Kori was African, and he
had little hesitation about voicing his opinion. I wasnt worried, because I
didnt think it would last. But recently Lis told us that shes pregnant and
plans to marry him. Obviously, were both upset, but Eric had words with
Lis and now shes cut us off completely, saying that if we dont accept Kori,
were not going to have her in our lives either. Now she refuses to accept
our calls.
The more you love somebody the more you are prepared to forgive.
But some things you do not forgive; and when certain lines are crossed the
result can be a painful feud, one of those unexpected and ugly breaches that
split families apart, sometimes for years, sometimes forever.
What was the pivotal point that caused her to cut you offdo you
have any idea? I asked.
Well the fact that shes pregnant and is planning to keep the baby and
wants to marry Kori, Donna replied. She expects us to accept everything
without any reservations.

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Its one thing that shes sleeping with this guy, but now she wants to
marry him and bring mulatto kids into an already screwed-up world. This is
like a nightmare, Eric said bitterly.
Im more upset about the estrangement than anything else, said
Donna. The racial issue is something we can learn to live with, but not
having any contact with our daughter, and now a grandchild on the way, is
just too much for me to take. Donna began to tear up.
Yeah, and Im the bad guy in all of this because Im supposedly the
one with the bad attitude, said Eric.
As a family therapist, I felt that it was important to uncover Erics
schemas and to hear more from him about how his daughters choices threatened his sense of stability and why accepting the situation was so difficult
for him. Eric, you really appear devastated by all of this and Id like to hear
a little more about whats going through your mind.
Eric went on to explain that he was raised in a white-bred environment
where people of color were looked on with disdain. This is going to go
over like a lead balloon with my family as well as our friendsand I just
cant imagine having my first grandchild being half-black. How the hell am
I supposed to explain that?
Eric wasnt as much prejudiced as he was fearful of rejection by his
family on account of his daughters choice. Feuds are sparked by a lot of
thingsmoney, religion or, as in this case, marital choicebut the underlying issue is always the same: a feeling of betrayal.
It was my impression that if I could help Eric explore his rigid schemas
about race and teach him some mechanisms for coping with criticism from
other people, this would make a future meeting with his daughter go more
successfully, assuming that she would consent to such a meeting.
I asked Eric about his perception of why their daughter cut them off.
Donna started to answer, but I interrupted and asked her to allow Eric to
speak first. To my surprise, Eric said that he thought that Lis was punishing
him for being prejudiced.
Are you prejudiced, Eric? I asked.
Look, he said, I have nothing against any particular race. Okay, everyone has a right to be on this earth. I just dont believe in mixed marriages.
It just causes too many problems in society.
What kind of problems? I asked.
Its what I said before, rejectionbeing looked down on.
So, if you had a guarantee that these things wouldnt happen, then
would it make a difference to you? I asked.
I dont know, Eric said, I just dont like to think about it.
He went on to tell me about a situation that occurred a few years ago
when he was out with some colleagues from work. We had just finished a
dinner meeting and were walking downtown to the cigar bar. As we were
walking, a young white woman, who looked to be no more than Liss age,

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passed us pushing a stroller with a black baby in it. Jack, our senior associate,
says to her, Hey honey, youd better keep that baby out of the sun, hes
getting awfully dark. The other guys laughedwhich I thought was terrible,
but I didnt say anything . But this is what I contend with. Now, can you
imagine how these guys would react if I were to tell them that my grandson
was half black?
Donna sat silently as Eric talked about his fear of rejection.
Whats going through your mind, Donna, as you hear Eric talk about
this?
Donna started to cry. You know, I really think that deep down inside Eric isnt a prejudiced person. Hes just afraid of being rejected if he
doesnt remain a good old boy and bash minorities and gays. I really feel
for him and I know that this must be extremely hard for him with our
daughter and everything because he loves her so muchbut hes got to
let it go! Hes got to just learn to accept it, or Im afraid we may lose our
daughter.
At this point, Eric began to well up and express how he felt trapped.
Im sure Koris not a bad guy and all, but I dont knowI just really feel that
Im between a rock and a hard place, and Im afraid Ill lose my daughter
over all of this because shes so headstrong. Im also afraid that later on shes
going to realize that she made a big mistake that she cant undoand then
what?
As the session drew to a close I asked permission to contact Lis to see
if she would be willing to meet with me. While I still had a lot to do with
Eric and Donna, I thought that I would take a pause here and meet with Lis,
if she were willing, and find out where she was coming from.
Its important to meet with alienated parties separately before bringing
them together. The purpose of these sessions is to give each side a chance
to express feelings of resentment and bitterness, which if left unspoken until
a joint session could trigger an escalating new round of recriminations.
After getting her number from her parents, I called Lis who was
surprisingly eager to talk. She wanted what most people want: someone to understand her side of things. She wasnt too sure about meeting
with her parents, however, because she doubted that would accomplish
anything.
During my one session with Lis, I was struck by how much she looked
like her father and how she shared his stubborn streak. My father really has a
major problem, she began. Im extremely disappointed in him, particularly
since he was always the one who was most vocal about how its important
to make your own choices in life despite what other people think. Then
he goes and turns into the biggest hypocrite when I bring home Kori, just
because hes African.
So, what happened that you ended up becoming estranged from him?
I mean, how did that happened.

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Well, Lis said, my father insisted that I had to break up with Kori and
that I couldnt possibly have any future with him. The more he talked, the
more it struck me that he didnt really care about my happiness as much as
he cared about what it looked like to other people. I cant live like that. Im
in love with Kori, and Im going to have his child.
So, youre punishing your father? I asked.
No, Im not punishing him, but hes got to make a decision. He either
accepts my future husband and child, or hes not going to be a part of our
lives.
It was at this point that I suggested to Lis that she was using dichotomous thinking and how, much like her father, she was viewing the situation
in all-or-nothing terms.
But you cut off your mother and sister, too. Whats that all about? Why
this all-or-nothing approach?
Well, I felt that maybe if they felt the pressure as well, they could get
him to think about what he is doing and to change, but I see that thats not
happening.
So I sense that youre not particularly comfortable with this family
estrangement either?
No, of course not! It eats me up inside. I mean, Im literally losing my
family, which is the last thing I want to do. But my father is just poisoning
the well with his attitude.
I asked Lis what she thought was really behind her fathers position.
This seems so antithetical to what he always taught you. Why do you think
hes reacting so strongly?
Lis said that she thought he dealt with a lot of rejection during his
upbringing and that he was afraid of going through more of it. He puts too
much emphasis on what other people think. Yet, ironically, he always told
us not to do that.
I asked Lis whether she thought her father might have been trying to
vicariously change by making her and her sister different from the way he
was. This gave her pause. Perhaps your father wanted a different life for
you; yet, once you actually went out and did it, he wasnt able to handle it.
I wonder if hes just really scared and needs some understanding?
I dont know, Lis said.. I dont know what to do. I tried to help
him understand, but he just doesnt want to hear about it, and now Im
pregnantbut, Im having this baby and Im marrying Kori and I dont want
Kori and my child hurt by my father. Maybe he needs to get into therapy. I
dont know.
I suggested that Lis give me a chance to work with her father and her
mother and see if I could at least facilitate some exchange between the three
of them. I also recommended that her sister be included, but Lis said that
she was already corresponding with her sister, unbeknown to her parents,
and she didnt really have a problem with her sister.

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My sister is neither here nor there. She doesnt have any particular
feelings about the situation either way. She just wants me to be happy. I
dont really have a problem with my sisterits my parents.
I suggested that Lis consider meeting with her parents and me to see
what could be accomplished. She said she wanted to speak with her fiance,
Kori, first. She would get back to me.
It was only a day later that I received a call from Lis, saying that she
would meet with us, but she wanted to know if she could bring Kori. I
suggested that since this was a family meeting, it might be better if I initially
met with just the three of them and maybe later consider bringing her fiance
in for subsequent sessions, depending on how things went.
Lis agreed, reluctantly, which gave me the impression that she might
be afraid of facing her parents alone. I reassured her that I would take it
slowly and not allow the situation to become unruly or too uncomfortable. I
subsequently called Eric and Donna who agreed to meet, and we established
a time for all four of us to talk.
Its important that these initial reconciliation meetings be orchestrated
so that family members only encounter each other in the therapy room and
not in the parking lot or waiting room. Consequently, I stagger the times
that they are to arrive and also the exit times so that there are no negative
chance encounters between family members.
The preliminary goal with the initial joint is to control the session sufficiently so that everyone can speak and be heard. We typically begin by
reminding them that this meeting is for each of them to have a chance to
explain how they feel while the others listen. We go on to say that because
theres been a lot of hurt and misunderstanding, it might be hard for them
to hear each other out without getting upset, and for that reason we insist
that only one person talk at a time.
Incidentally, stating this rule is not the same as enforcing it. It may
become necessary to block interruptions forcefully before they spiral into
shouting matches. To work effectively with feuds you must be absolutely
determined to prevent the chaos of emotional reactivity that wounds feelings
and hardens hearts. This is another area where certain cognitive-behavioral
techniques may be helpful, such as the Pad-and-Pencil Technique, which
has family members write down their automatic thoughts and describe their
emotions in the session instead of blurting them out disruptively (Dattilio,
2007, 2010).
The initial session with this family began rather awkwardly, as most
do. Lis greeted her parents cordially enough, but she was clearly on edge.
Donna was a bit warmer to Lis than Eric, who at first didnt look Lis directly
in the eye. I decided to break the ice by asking what the family was like
prior to the present difficulties. I had each of them talk a little bit about what
they admired in each other and how they felt that they were alike. We also
talked about their differences and eased into the topic at hand.

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F. M. Dattilio and M. P. Nichols

Much of the approach here was to address some of the rigid schemas
that existed about choices, boundaries, and limitations.
I asked Eric to begin. I thought hed have the most trouble listening, and
I wanted him to express his side first so that he might then be able to hear
what his daughter had to say. Eric presented his case with an effort to sound
reasonable. He spoke about the impracticality of a biracial marriage and how
it just added more stress to an already challenging situation of adjusting to
marital life. He also spoke about how unfair he thought it was to subject
a child to a society that was not accepting of mixed races. As he talked,
I interjected little comments like, How does that make you feel? trying to
nudge him away from making his concerns sound like judgments.
Lis listened to her fathers litany with the determined effort of someone
trying hard not to fight back.
It was difficult to listen to all the ungenerous things Eric had to say
about his daughters situation, but with no interruptions it was possible to
hear the hurt behind the criticism.
I tried to help Lis and her mother understand a little more about Erics
struggle. I also had Eric consider his wifes and daughters views of the
situation and how they perceived the impasse.
The issue ultimately came down to whether this father was willing
to accept his daughters freedom to choose her own path in lifedespite
the fact that he wasnt happy with his daughters choice of a mate and
worried about the ramifications it would have on her and the family. Upon
probing more into Erics underlying belief system, I discovered that he was
afraid of other peoples prejudicemuch as he was demonstrating prejudice
against his daughters right to choose whom to love. It was the same narrowmindedness that he was showing to Lis that he feared from his friends and
family. Interestingly, when I asked Lis where she thought she came up with
the idea to distance herself from her parents, she credited her father, saying
that he had done the same thing many years ago with an uncle with whom he
got angry. Eric seemed surprised that he had done that and, when reminded
by his wife, appeared contrite.
We then began to address coping skills as a family by looking at options
and how they would handle intolerance from people who might look on
the family with disdain because of the interracial marriage. This was an
important exercise for Eric in learning how to accept others disapproval and
stand up for what he believed in. This had a lot to do with having him begin
to examine his own distorted beliefs and restructure them. I also asked Eric
to consider spending more time with Kori and getting to know him more on
a personal level with the idea that Lis was committed to her decision and
wasnt planning to change.
Helping individual family members restructure their thinking often involves asking them to make concessions and move toward acceptance by
addressing some of the distortions in their thought content and how they

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97

process information. I also suggested to Lis that she could learn to accept
that her father wasnt always going to be happy with her choices in life,
partly by being sensitive to how what he had been through in his life had
left him with his own fears.
Over the course of four sessions with the three of them, we discussed
these very topics, including Liss sister in some of the meetings. This eventually led to a joint session with Eric and Kori, which ultimately revealed
that Kori had many personality characteristics that were very similar to Eric.
I used this as a parallel to help Eric understand that, in some ways, his
daughters choice of a spouse was a compliment.
Kori talked about the prejudice he experienced upon coming to the
United States and how he dealt with it. This story of successful coping
with intolerance helped to ease Erics concerns for his own grandchild, who
might face some of the same kind of prejudice. Interestingly, Eric ultimately
revealed that he resented the fact that he had spent so many years living in
the fear of rejection by others.
We went on to meet as a family for two additional sessions until Lis and
her parents were talking to each other on a regular basis. I also met with
Eric for a few individual sessions and subsequently referred him to individual
therapy to address some of the issues that surfaced in our meetings.
From this point, I met with the four of them monthly for the next
six months to discuss adjustment issues and the birth of Liss and Koris
child, who, ironically, ended up being very light-skinned. The sessions did
not always go so smoothly. Both Eric and Lis had a tendency to revert to
stubbornness at times, which contributed to occasional backslides. Teaching
them methods for working out their differences without allowing Donna or
Kori to step in and mediate was vital to them improving their relationship.
This was not an easy caseestrangements never are. But the essential
strategy for dealing with them is fairly simple. Respect the destructive power
of reactive emotionalism by first meeting separately with the parties to a feud,
and structure conjoint meetings carefully to allow family members to talk
one at a time while limiting their interactions to prevent flare-ups. Only after
feuding family members have had a chance to express their feelingsand
not be interruptedwill it be possible for them to begin the process of
healing the breach by addressing their cognitions and emotions and the
dynamics that develop as a result.

DISCUSSION
The cognitive-behavioral techniques mentioned earlier, combined with a
systemic approach, allow us to provide family members with skills to mediate
emotionally charged responses and facilitate more effective communication
and behavioral exchange. Much as emergency surgeons on battlefields have

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F. M. Dattilio and M. P. Nichols

to work quickly to restore vitalization in wounded infantry, family therapists

working with estranged family members sometimes have to work quickly in
order to lay the groundwork for an early reconciliation that provides them
with an inroad to make further advances. Developing an understanding of
the unique dynamics and mechanisms that cause specific families to become
estranged is also important. In the case of Eric and his family, it became
clear that fear of rejection and alienation fueled his beliefs about interracial
marriages and his daughters potential future.
This program for healing feuds begins with Bowenian control of the
therapeutic conversation and then moves to a more structural approach,
using enactments to test and strengthen family members ability to conduct
their own conversations and restructure their thinking and perception of each
other. What makes our approach different from either of these approaches,
however, is that the tactics are tailored to the unique requirements of feuds
and having members examine the cognitive distortions behind them. The
use of cognitive restructuring and behavioral enactment provides a concrete
mechanism for facilitating change. These two elementscombining models and designing specific approaches for particular problemsmay be the
defining features of family therapy in the twenty-first century.

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