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For a complete list of titles available in the penguin Readers series please wite to your local
Peon Education office or contact: penguin Readers Marketing Department,
Pearson Education, Edinbwgh Gate, Harlow, Essex, CVIZO Zn
Contents
page
Introduction
1V
Preface
Part 1
I
The Most lrnportant
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Part 2
AWarning to Beginners
Introducing People
The Weather
Examples for Conversation
Soul: Not Quite Saying'WhatYou Mean
Tea
Sex
The Language
How Not to Be Clever
How to Be Rude
How to Compromise
How to Be a Hypocrite
Small Pleasures
FavouriteThings
Remember
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21.
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Activities
Rules
A Bloomsbury Intellectual
Mayfair Playboy
How to Be a Film-Maker
Driving Cars
Three Games for Bus Drivers
How to Plan aTown
Civll Servants
British Newspapers
If Naturalized
3
5
7
7
10
n
I2
12
t4
1,5
77
18
18
19
2I
21,
21,
22
23
24
28
29
32
35
37
11
Introduction
PREFACE
I wrote this book in 1946. Many people bought it and said kind
things about it. I was surprised and pleased but I was also
runhappythat they liked it.
I will explain.
It is very nice when a lot of people buy a book by a new
writer. I'm sorry,'very nice' is not an English thing to say. It is
not unpleasanlwhen a lot of readerslike a new book.
Why was I unhappy? I wrote this book to tell the English
what I thought about them, or'where
and said,'Rude!Very,very rude !' He threw the book into the fire.
What a good Englishman! He said just the right thing, anrl I
began, and made England his home for the rest of his life. During
the war he worked for the BBC, making radio programmes for
Hungary.
1V
fc'lt much better. I hoped to meet more men like him, but I ncver
I have written many more books since then but ro[otlv
about old Sumeria.I will win the Nobel Prizc firr it It rvrll nr.rLr'
rro dift-erence;people
will still think Hor, to ltc,ttt l/ir'rrrr tlrr' orrly
book that I have ever written.
P e o p l ea s k m e , ' ' W h e n a r e y o u g o i l l g t ( ) r r r t r ' . i l r ' ) t l r ' 1l l 1 t l 1 t
b e a n A l i e n ? ' I a m s u r e t h e y m e r n t ( ) [ , , ' k r n , l , I ' r t t ] r ' y( t t t l a t l
'
'Nt'r
t'r. I lr,'','
quite understandmy quiet reply:
PART 1
Chapter
THE
MOST
IMPORTANT
A'W'arning
RULES
to Beginners
you. They will ask you into their homes and they will be kind co
you.The English keep dogs and cats and they are happy to keep a
more like the English.lf you are like the English,they think you are
funny. If you are not like thenr, they think vou are even funnier.
G.M.
---l
only people who talk about Latin and Greek writers are those
t,
tl
I
l^!
tl
people who think they are the best.The English already know
which country is really the best. Europeans cry and quickly get
rngry; instead of this the English just laugh quietly at their
grroblems.In Europe people are either honest with you or they
lie to you; in England people almost never lie, but they are almost
rrever quite honest with you either. Many Europeans think that
lifb is a game;the English think cricket is a game.
l \
P
Chapter 2
Introducing People
This part of the book tells you how to introduce people to other
pcople.
Most importantly, when you introduce strangers,do not say
their name so that the other person is able to hear it. Usually thrs
is not a problem becausenobody can understandyour accent.
If somebody introduces you to a stranger, there are t."vo
irnportant rules to follow.
I If he puts out his hand to shakeyours,do not take it. Snrilt' .rntl
w a i t . W h e n h e s t o p st r y i n g t o s h a k ey o u r h a n d , t r y t o s h : r k t ' / r i i
l\epeat this game all afternoon or evening. Qr-ritc rossilrlrtlrrt
will be the most amusing part of your afternoon ()r L'\('r)rnll
2 T h e i n t r o d u c t i o n sa r e f i n i s h e da n d y o u r n e w f i i e n t l . r s k rr l r , r r
'
r e w e l l : ' H o w d o y o u d o ? B u t d o n o t f o r g c t : l r t ' , l , t tr t o t t t ' . l l t
w a n t t o k n o w . T o h i m i t d o e sn o t m a t t e r i f v o u . r r t ' r r t ' l l, r r r l \ o r
l r e d y i n g o f a t e r r i b l e i l l n e s sD
. o n o t r l r ) s \ \ ( 'Y
r , r r r, ( r l r \ ( ' r \ . r t t o t l
Sundaysn England, the richestpeople wear ther oltlestclothes
and the countrybecomes
sad and dark.
Chapter
The Weather
'f
Chapter 4
'Nice
'lsn't
'
day,isn't it?
'
it bcauttful?'
day,isn't it?'
it unpleasant?'
'The
/7J
Chapter
Soul: Not
Quite
Mean
All this is very deep. It is soul,just soul. But the English have no
soul. Instead they say less than they mean. For example, if a
European boy wants to tell a girl that he loves her, he goes down on
Chapter 6
his knees and tells her she is the sweetest, most beautiful and
wonderfirl person in the world. She has something in her, something
special, and he cannot live one more minute without
her.
Tea
10
1,r
afraid; before you go out; if you are out; if you havejust returnecl
honre; if you want a cup; if you do not want a cup; if you have
not had a cup for sone time; if you havejust had a cup.
You must decide about your accent.You will have your foreign
('el1t
.r(
all right bur nrany people like to nrix it with another
once a good Englishwo'ran) now has thenr too, I''r sorrv tc sav.
Chapter
Sex
European men and women have sex lives; English men and
wonten have hot-water bottles.
Chapter
The Language
I l o l d a p i p e i n y o u r n r L t u t hs, p e a k t h r u g l t ) , n u t t t t t l t , t t t , l l t t t t l t , t l l
y()uyseiltrceswitlt fltc qu(\ltort 'r\tt I tl
12
I3
you are very intelligent. But the Oxford accent hurts your throat
and is hard to use all the time.
Sometimes you can forget to use it, speak with your foreign
accent and then where are you? People will laugh at you. The
best way to look clever is to use long words, of course.These
lligence. Perhaps you know that two and two make four, but
must never say that two and two make four.
words are often old Latin and Greek words, which the English
language has taken in. Many foreigners have learned Latin and
Greek in school and rhey find that (a) it is much easier ro learn
these words than the much shorter English words; (b) these
words are usually very long and make you seem very intelligent
when you talk to shopkeepersand postmen. But be careful with
all these long words - they do not alwayshave the same meaning
as they once had in Latin or Greek.When you know all rhe long
words, remember to learn some short ones, too.
very kind woman told me the other day,,you speak with a very
good accent, but without any English.'
How
Not
to Be Clever
'You
I4
15
rl
t7
Chapter
12
How
to Be a Hypocrite
Chapter
13
Srnall Pleasures
Chapter 14
Favourite Things
games. During the war, the French thought the English were
18
1,9
home just by
Many English families spend pleasant evenings at
when the
sad
fe* hours. The parents are very
queuing fo,
"
children leave them and queue up to go to bed'
ChaPter
15
Rernernber
PART
LESS IMPORTANT
RULES AND
SOME
SPECIAL EXAMPLES
21
Chapter
17
Mayfair
playboy*
Chapter
18
FIow to Be A Filrn-Maker
zz
23
/i;,;
. t t
a.
?1,
tt
driver so there are some things you must remember when you
drive in England.
1 In English towns you must drive at thirty miles an hour. The
police watch carefully for drivers who go too fasr. The fight
against bad drivers is very clever and very English. It is difiicult to
know if a police car is following you but if you are very inteiligent
and have very good eyes,you will see these cars.Remember:
(a) the police always drive blue cars
(b) three policemen sit in each car
on the front
(c) you can read the word POLICE in large letters
and back ofthese cars.
where you
2 I think England is the only country in the world
car at night in
must leave your car lights on when you park your
come back
you
when
a busy street with lom of street lights'Then,
will not work; it is
to the car, you cannot start 1t again' The car
on the road and
dead. But this is wonderful! There are fewer cars
the roads safe!
the number of road crashesgoes down'This makes
question:
difficult
this
3 Only car drivers know the answer to
and looking for a
What are taxis for? A person who is walking
taxi knows they are not there to carry passengers'
to car drivers'
Taxis are on the road to teach good manners
us remember
make
They teach us never to be too brave; they
bring for us, if
that we do not know what the next minute will
from the back
we can drive down the road or if a taxi will hit us
or the side . . .
4 Car drivers are at war with other people'
Sunday morrung
Three cars can park there for half an hour on
betweenTand8a.m.'
26
27
C}:'apter 20
at anything.)
ChLapter 2l
FIow
to Plan
a Town
28
Bloomsbury.
Now I want to tell you about how to build an English town'
you must understand that an English town is built to make life as
difcult as possiblefor foreigners'
29
make it harder for them. Call the street by another name' Don't
'road','way','park"'garden', etc'
iust call it a'street',call it a
(a) Put all the streets with the same name in the same part of
town: Belsize Park, Belsize Street, Belsize Gardens,Belsize'Way,
etc.
(b) Put a number of streets with the same name in dffirent parts
of the town. If you have twenty Princes Squares and rwenty
Warwick Roads, nobody will be able to find the right place'
6 Paint the street name in large letters on a piece of wood' Hide
this piece of wood carefully.Put it very high on the wall or very
low behind the flowers in someone's garden, or in a shadow
an),'wherewhere people cannot see it. Even better, take the street
name to your bank and ask the bank to keep it for you' If you
don't, somebody will find out where they are'
7 To really worry foreigners, make four streets into squares like
this (see the picture below). In this way it is possible to build
a street which has two different names one name for each side
of it!
Leinster Square
Princes Square
tr
o
c.,
!
E
H
F
C)
o.
U)
o
(t)
D
;
U)
F .
5 Some clever foreigners will find the street that they want, so
*These are all parts ofone very long, straight
street in the centre ofLondon
30
Leinster Square
Princes Square
3I
Claapter 22
Civil Servants*
JZ
saysno'
Servant always smiles happily and
play this clever little
Sometimes European Civil Servants
to a Civil Servant's office on the
same: a Difficult Person goes
third floor and asksa questlon'
and ask the Civil
'I
don't know,'the Civil Servant says''Go
floor''
Servant in the oflice on the fifth
oflice on the fifth floor and
the
to
The Difficult Person goes
know" the Civil Servant on the
asksthe question again''I don't
on the second floor''
fifth floor says.'Go to the office
office on the second floor
The Difficult Person goes to the
to the third floorl' the Civil
and asks the question "gait'''Go
Servant on the second floor saYs'
to the office on the third floor
So the Difcult Person goesback
in the same office again''But
and speaksto the same Ci"il Stt"""t
first Civil Servantshouts'
t toliyot, to go to the fifth floor!'the
fifth floor and another Civil
The Difiicult Person goes to the
floor ' ' ' Round and round
Servant sendshim back the second
and round.
all day until the Difficult
European CiviL Servantsplay this game
goes mad and askssomeone to
Person is tired and goes home or
people' If this happens' the Civrl
take him to a hospital for mad
office on the secondfloor ' ' ''
Servantsays,'Not here! Go to the
want to go to hospital and
Soon the DifEcult Person does not
goeshome.
different'They do not think
But in England, Civil Servants are
that they are businessmen'They
that they are soldiers,they think
33
are polite and kind and always smile and say yes when somebody
asks a question. So everybody leaves British Civil Servants in
the
they do nothing for you'This is
and family are Civil Servants'
beautiful thing about England'
their offices and they are able to spend all day quietly reading
murder stories.
Why, you ask, do Difiicult People in Britain leave British Civil
Servants in their offices without asking them to do any work? I
will tell you.
1 British Civil Servantswrite and speak a language that nobody
understands.
2 CivlI Servants never decide anything. They say that they will
'think
about'something or'think about it again'.
3 You can never find a British Civil Servanr.Their job is to help
people but if you try to find a Civil Servant, in fact he is never
there. He is out on business,he is out for lunch, he is somewhere
having tea or he is just out. Some Civil Servantsare clever: they
go for tea before they come back from lunch.
British Civil Servants are always polite. Before the war, British
Civil Servants ordered an alien to leave the country. He asked to
stay a few more weeks but they told him no, he had to leave. He
stayed,and a short time later he got this letter:
Dear Sir,
We areuerysony to tell you that the Gouernment
haslool<ed
through
all your papersagain and has decidedthat you cannotstay in this
country.Weareterriblysorryto tell you that you mustleauein the next
twenty-fourhours.IJ you do not,we will haueto makeyou leaue.
Your'*o*'*t)
ClnaPter 23
Btitish NewsPaPers
The Fact
34
35
sevenand a half times more than the two-fifths that they burned
two years ago and three-quartersmore than twelve times onesixth that they burned three yearsago.
Someone jumped to his feet and askedif the Government knew
that the British people were worried and angry because the
Army went into Charamak but not into Ragamak.
The government speaker said,'I have nothing to say about
that, sir. I said everything when I spoke on 2ndAugust, 1892.'
Euening Standard
(a London evening newspaper)
The most interesting thing about the fight on Charamak is
Reggie Tilbury. He is the fifth son of the Earl of Bayswater. He
went to Oxford lJniversiry and is good at severalsports.'W.henI
talked to his wife (Lady Clarisse,the daughter of Lord Elasson)
today, she wore a black suit and a small black and yellow hat. She
said,'Reggie was alwaysvery interested in war.'Later she said,'It
was very clever of him, wasnt it?'
book,'TheFish'.
Yours,etc.
CllraPter 24
If Naturalized
a natural Person.
if
Look at the word'natural'in a dictionary'It means'real'' So
a
you are not naturalized, you are not a real person' To become
British
the
ask
must
real person, you must become British'You
36
37
38
TheSamenaturalizedBritishmanwaslisteningto^
'The
Japanesehave
conversation between two Englishwomen'
few days" one of
shot down twenty-t\'vo aeroplanes in the last
them said.
'What, ours?'the man askedthe fwo women'
The Englishwoman looked at him coldly'
'No - ours,'shesaid.
ACTIVITIES
Preface-ChaPter8
Before you read
you
1 Look at the front cover of this book.what does this picturetell
aboutEnglishmen?Canyoustillseepeoplelikethistoday?
therepeoplelikethis in yourcountry?
2 Findthese words in your dictionary.
accent alien belt lawyer manners preface soul warning
Now put the wordsin the rightspaces.
e h e a l t h. . . . .
a . . .. . m u s l c
f book's. .. . .
b d o o r. . . . .
g .....spaceshiP
c c r i m i n a. .l . . .
h f o r e i g n. . . . .
d b a d. . . . .
After you read
3 Choosethe correctanswer.
a Englishpeoplethinkyou are cleverif
(i) you talk aboutforeignwriters.
(ii) you'rea doctor'
(iii) you talk about the weatherevery day'
b lt's better
(i) to drinktea in hot weatherthan in coldweather'
(ii) to have good mannersthan to have good food'
(iii) to speakloudlythanto speakquietly'
c The Englishare usuallY
(i) Politeto foreigners'
(ii) friendlYto foreigners.
(iii) rudeto foreigners.
An Englishmanwill
4 Finishthesesentences.
.
a smileand wait if You '.
b not forgiveYou if You . '.
c thinkyou are clever,politeand amusingif you ' "
d say he quitelikesYouif he ' '.
e think you are very foreignand strangeif you ' "
f thinkyou probablyspeakgood Englishif you " '
4T
A'