Transactional Analysis

SOME JOBS OF THE PARENT EGO-STATE

SOME JOBS OF THE PARENT EGO-STATE ARE:

To maintain values that have been thoughtfully evaluated and
found to be worth keeping. To test and acquire new values
that reflect basic dignity and generate growth and change for
the person.
To initiate,
To start,
To be first,
To care,
To risk for others,
TO DO GOOD THINGS WHEN OTHERS ARE DOING NOTHING

SOME JOBS OF THE ADULT

EGO-STATE

To maintain a rational and thoughtful attitude by using

enough information, maintaining a wide perspective, and
thereby avoiding snap judgments, blame and guilt.

To get, to organize, and to use accurate information to

protect the Child from illusion, prejudice, hate, violence,
bigotry, intolerance, discrimination, and needless fear.
To help the Child grow, prosper, become wise, and share
those things with others with vigor and robustness. To
guide the Child - attentively - with safety and security.
TO INFORM YOURSELF & OTHERS WITH ACCURATE DATA

SOME JOBS OF THE CHILD

EGO-STATE

To enjoy the goods things that life offers. To deal with the suffering that life
presents with dignity and courage.
IN CHILDHOOD - to do what they have to do to thrive in
good times, survive in bad timesand make the best of that until they are on
their own and can make their own changes.
IN ADULTHOOD - to change surviving to thriving by
examination of their childhood - keep the best - dump the
rest draw upon inner strength of spirit and integrity.
ALWAYS - To be curious and serious, and to be taken that
way. To be happy and helpful. To be cherished and safe.
ERIC BERNE'S 3 GREAT PERMISSIONS FOR THE CHILD
TO LOVE . . .TO CHANGE . . .TO DO THINGS WELL

Eric Berne said that three important characteristics of the

Parent ego-state were that the Parent provides
PERMISSION - POTENCY - PROTECTION.
Two additional important characteristics are
REASSURANCE - REPETITION.
Parenting work is worth doing well with vigor.

PERMISSION gives others the OK to do, think, feel in a certain

way, so that they may develop well. Obviously there is
considerable responsibility in giving permission. Use care and
thought
POTENCY is the developed capacity of knowledge, experience,
training, education, and wisdom due to a persons interest and
willingness to challenge and change with vigor.
PROTECTION ensures and takes care that others do not
experience needless and unnecessary pain, hurt, or
embarrassment. Protection has clear rules for interaction in
relationships.
REASSURANCE supportively tells others that what they are
doing is OK & keep it up !
REPETITION is the patient, loving work of parenting; lessons are
repeated until learned.

FUN - Parents need to be fun, enjoy themselves, know how to

laugh easily, and share the joyfulness of life and living. Life is
nifty, & neat and full of creativity, joy, and love.
FAIR - Fairness requires that rights, privileges, duties, and
obligations for self and others are balanced. Fairness is difficult
to learn, difficult to teach, and necessary.
FIRM - Being able and willing to take a stand about an issue, for
good and healthy reasons, and not back down. This is as
opposed to being rigid, unthinking, and not listening to reality or
overreacting emotionally. Firm is needed but not always popular
in the short run.
FLEXIBLE - Being able to change plans and structure with
changing circumstances. Being able to respond to changing
needs of self and others. Think before reacting. Discuss with
enough words.
FUNCTIONAL - Parents have to stay in touch with the basics of
functional thinking, feeling, behavior as well as pay attention to
others values. Knee-jerk reactions are not functional.
Functionality considers short - medium - long range goals in the
process of the over-all situation. The larger picture requires
impulse control and self-discipline for other's benefits.

QUESTIONS - Questions gather information, gain perspective,

and counter impulsive knee-jerk judgments. Even-handed people
ask a lot of questions before they make up their mind or form an
opinion.
RATIONAL - "Feelings and Opinions are often a personal
triumph over good inquiry and good data." Information comes in
many forms, some we like, some we do not. However, we do not
have to like it, or feel good about it to use it for mutually
satisfying benefit..
FEELINGS OK - Acceptance of self and other's feelings as part
of the total picture. People with authority and power ignore their
own feelings, and other peoples, at their own peril.
BIG PICTURE - As opposed to the small, narrow, limited view
that often as not generates small, narrow, limited conclusions.
Increase perspective by questions including feelings.
INQUIRES - Taking an active interest in gathering information
about "what is going on" as opposed to operating on gossip,
innuendo, partial information, and prejudice. Consultation and
the sharing of thoughts, feelings, opinions, is a mutual two-way
street.

WHO Is involved, others feelings, thoughts, opinions, are often

not about you !
WHAT Are the details and issues involved, get more than an
emotional response.
What boundaries ? Time - Space - Person - Property - Papers
WHERE Did things happen, at home, at work, with a friend.
Place always has feelings associated with it. Those feelings
are important to the other person..
WHY What are possible motivations for why things happened
the way they did. If you know why people do things, you are
better prepared to deal with them.
WHEN As a child ? As a young person ? Over breakfast ? Over
dinner ? Timing of events in life - at home, at work - has different
meaning for people.

Children are born with the capacity to spontaneously experience

a number of things. A basic handful is
YES! - NO! - WOW! - OUCH! - NEXT!
Healthy children eat when they are hungry, sleep when they are
tired, laugh when joyful and cry when they are hurt. When those
events are over they experience a natural "NEXT" and want to do
something else. The world is their oyster and they are exploring
all the time. Children, by nature, do NOT hold grudges. Children,
by nature, are cooperative and curious about people, the world,
and all its processes.
YES! - NO! - WOW! - OUCH! - NEXT!
must be reinforced, nurtured, and supported by parents raising
children to support healthy self-esteem..
As children learn to adapt and bend their will to the social
demands of the world they must be trained in another handful of
social concepts:
TAKE CARE OF THE CHILD


As children learn to adapt and bend their will to the social demands of the world they
must be trained in another
handful of social concepts:
TRUTH - LIES - GOOD SECRETS - BAD SECRETS - DISCRETION.
TRUTH - LIES - GOOD SECRETS - BAD SECRETS - DISCRETION
must be taught on a regular basis by parents. Part of a parents'
responsibility is to RAISE ISSUES and teach the
differences between these five concepts.
Children learn in three ways, by
MODELING, REINFORCEMENT, and INSTRUCTION.
Parents need to tell children about the world, their place in it,
and how to grow up happy, cooperative, and productive.

TAKE CARE OF THE CHILD

2ND ORDER ANALYSIS OF THE EGOSTATES

This includes 2nd order analysis of structure as well as the

function of the ego-states within the child. The large Parent is
referred to as P1, the large Adult as A1, the large Child as C1.
The 2nd order ego-states, the P-A-C within the Child are
referred to as P2, A2, and C2.
PAM LEVIN, RN, has produced a rather nice chart, 1974
about the growth and development stages of a person in
Transactional Analysis terminology and theory.

P2 is also called SPOOKY

ARTICLE IN THE TAJ

A2 is also called SPUNKY

C2 is also called SLEEPY

FANITA ENGLISH
TAJ 2:2 APR 72

I routinely identify P2 as the storehouse of the rules for

relationships that children learn in the intimate hothouse of
childhood. These rules are often not adequate or distorted or
grossly contaminated to be used successfully as a grown-up

I routinely identify P2 as the storehouse of the rules for

relationships that children learn in the intimate hothouse of
childhood. These rules are often not adequate or distorted or
grossly contaminated to be used successfully as a grown-up.
Children make decisions in order to survive assaults on the 5
growth areas in childhood:
Physical
Emotional
Intellectual
Social
Spiritual
SPOOKY is the residence of these decisions. Decisions that
we made under emotional distress and limited, or distorted
information or ,emotional blackmail and coercion.
These children, you and me, then grow up to live with the effects
of these decisions, in their childhood and adulthood.
Sometimes the effects are benign and sometimes profound

SLEEPY needs a lot of care and reassurance. This is the

Natural Child that is growing biologically and emotionally as fast
as it can.
This is where the P1s jobs come in, to provide
Permission
Potency
Protection
Repetition
Reassurance
Without the care of a grown-up with a good and healthy Parent,
Adult, and Child, the little person will grow up with some bends
and twists that it will have to live with.
The best gift that parents can give their child is to look at their
own scripts, rework as necessary, and pass on that result to
their children and their grandchildren.
Understanding the Child in the Child requires study, experience,
lots of patience, commitment, and a loving heart.

Now I want to turn Structural Analysis into Functional Analysis by drawing a line to
divide C1 into two parts.
The top half becomes the Functional Adapted Child
composed of the storehouse of the rules of relationship in childhood with part of the
Little Professor.
The bottom half becomes the Functional Natural Child
composed of the Natural Child and part of the Little Professor.
Now we have the beginning of the functional diagram of the
Functional Natural Child and the Functional Adapted Child
Function is about what the ego-states do
Structure is about what the ego-states are
I work with a small set of not rocket science ideas about the minimum sets of
functional and dysfunctional behaviors.
Therefore I have distilled a lot of theory into a simplified and reduced set of ideas and
concepts applied to getting out of trouble and staying out of trouble.

The final transition changes structure into function leaving the 2 parts of the child, NC
and AC.
The Natural Child still has part of the Little Professor.
The Adapted Child still has part of the Little Professor.
The Rebellious Adapted Child has all the childhood rules to survive and the thinking
to do the work-arounds with those big people who dont always play fair by knowing
how to rebel and make it work - making life safe most of the time.
The Compliant Adapted Child has all the childhood rules to survive and the thinking
to do the work-arounds with those big people who dont always play fair by knowing
how to comply and make it work- making life safe most of the time

SOME FUNCTIONS OF EGO-STATES

NURTURING PARENT - CONTROLLING PARENT
ADULT
NATURAL CHILD - ADAPTED CHILD
The proper functions of the ego-states generate and maintain a
stable foundation for healthy interactions with yourself and
others. Children then grow strong and brave.
BUILD ON STRENGTH
The improper functions generate and maintain an unstable foundation for
interactions. Children then grow avoidant and fearful.
Children grown-ups have considerable choice about how to live their lives.
Choices and decisions always have consequences. Sometimes we make
choices based on the short-term gain of childhood survival.
SOMETIMES THAT WORKS OUT OK AND SOMETIMES NOT OK.
LONG-TERM PLANNING IS OFTEN A WISER CHOICE AS GROWN-UPS.

NURTURING PARENT
Nurture ( nr"chr) n. 1. Something that nourishes; sustenance. 2. The act
of bringing up. nurturing 1. To nourish; feed. 2. To educate; train. 3. To help
grow or develop
Synonyms: nurture cultivate foster nurse The central meaning shared by
these verbs is " to promote and sustain the growth and development of ":
Nourish 1. To provide with food or other substances necessary for life and
growth; feed. 2. To foster the development of; promote 3. To keep alive;
maintain
Encourage 1. To inspire with hope, courage, or confidence; hearten. 2. To
give support to 3. To stimulate; spur
Synonyms: encourage animate cheer embolden hearten inspirit The central
meaning shared by these verbs is " to impart courage, inspiration, and
resolution
Develop 1. To bring from latency to or toward fulfillment: 2. a. To expand or
enlarge b. To aid in the growth of; strengthen c. To improve the quality of;
refine: 3. a. To cause to become more complex or intricate; add detail and
fullness to; elaborate:
Promote 1. a. To raise to a more important or responsible job or rank. 2. To
contribute to the progress or growth of; further. 5. To help establish,organize

CONTROLLING PARENT
Controlling 1. To exercise authoritative or dominating influence over; direct.
2. To hold in restraint; check: struggled to control my temper 3. a. To verify or
regulate by comparing with another standard. 1. Authority or ability to
manage or direct One that controls
Direction 1. The act or function of directing. 2. Management, supervision, or
guidance of an action or operation.
Supervise 1. To have the charge and direction of; superintend.
Synonyms: supervise boss overlook oversee superintend The central
meaning shared by these verbs is " to have the direction and oversight of the
performance of others ": supervised a team of investigators; bossed a
construction crew; overlooking farm hands; overseeing plumbers and
electricians; superintend a household
management 1. The act, manner, or practice of managing; handling,
supervision, or control 2. The person or persons who control or direct a
business or other enterprise. 3. Skill in managing; executive ability.
Charge 1. To impose a duty, responsibility, or obligation on
Oversight 1 Watchful care or management; supervision.

ADULT
Rational 1. Having or exercising the ability to reason. 2. Of sound mind;
sane. 3. Consistent with or based on reason; logical: rational behavior
Logical 1. Of, relating to, in accordance with, or of the nature of logic.
Reasonable 3. Reasoning or capable of reasoning in a clear and consistent
manner.
Synonyms: logical analytic ratiocinative rational The central meaning shared
by these adjectives is " capable of or reflecting the capability for correct and
valid reasoning
Clarity 2. Clearness of thought or style; lucidity
Prudent 1. Wise in handling practical matters; exercising good judgment or
common sense. 2. Careful in regard to one's own interests; provident.
Practical 1. Of, relating to, governed by, or acquired through practice or
action, rather than theory, speculation, or ideal 6. Concerned with the
production or operation of something useful
Question 1. a. An expression of inquiry that invites or calls for a reply. b. An
interrogative sentence, phrase, or gesture. 2. A subject or point open to
controversy; an issue. 4. To analyze; examine.
Inquire. 1. To seek information by asking a question 2. To make an inquiry or
investigation

NATURAL CHILD
Natural Characterized by spontaneity and freedom from artificiality,
affectation, or inhibitions. Not altered, treated, or disguised
Fun 1. A source of enjoyment, amusement, or pleasure. 2. Enjoyment;
amusement: 3. Playful, often noisy, activity 1. To behave playfully; joke
Creative 1. Having the ability or power to create 3. Characterized by
originality and expressiveness; imaginative
Spontaneous 1. Happening or arising without apparent external cause;
self-generated. 2. Arising from a natural inclination or impulse and not from
external incitement or constraint. 3. Unconstrained and unstudied in manner
Robust 1. Full of health and strength; vigorous. 5. Marked by richness and
fullness
Vigor 1. Physical or mental strength, energy, or force. 2. The capacity for
natural growth and surviva 3. Strong feeling; enthusiasm or intensity.
Flirt 1. To make playfully romantic or sexual overtures. 2. To deal playfully
Sexual 1. Of, relating to, involving, or characteristic of sex, sexuality, the
sexes, or the sex organs and their functions. 2. Implying or symbolizing erotic
desires or activity.
Intensity 1. Exceptionally great concentration, power, or force

ADAPTED CHILD
Adapt 1. To make suitable to or fit for a specific use or situation.
Synonyms: Adapt, Accommodate, Adjust, Conform, Fit, Reconcile
The central meaning shared by these verbs is "to make suitable to or
consistent with a particular situation or use ":
I find that the Adapted Child is the most problematic ego-state. Most authority
figures (in real life) prefer Compliance over Rebellion, for a variety of
practical as well as psychological reasons. This is part of the tyranny of
trivialization.
My belief and experience in psychotherapy is that the process of the
Compliant and Rebellious Child is the same -- it is the working out of a
persons (the little person) agreements with themselves and others about
what is fair, what they have to do to survive -- in the ordinary and in
extremis situations.
In psychotherapy, I find that Over-Compliant and Over-Rebellion are about the
same process -- having to adapt to imposed circumstances that are onerous,
demeaning, denigrating, divisive, dis-respectful, and unhealthy -- whether
that is 1st degree, 2nd degree, or 3rd degree, usually 2nd degree.
Care must be taken in differentiating between the Social Level and the
Psychological Level of Compliance and Rebellion. It is often to easy to dismiss
the psychological value of ADAPTATIONS to maintain our own comfort level.
ONE OF THE CHALLENGES OF BEING A THERAPIST, MOM, DAD, BOSS . . .

COMPLIANT CHILD
Compliant 1. Disposed or willing to comply; submissive.
Obedient 1. Dutifully complying with the commands, orders, or instructions
of one in authority. Synonyms: obedient biddable compliant acquiescent
submissive docile amenable tractable These adjectives mean carrying or
willing to carry out the orders, requests, or wishes of another. Obedient
implies acceptance of and submission to authority:
Amenable 1. Responsive to advice, authority, or suggestion; tractable.. 2.
Responsible to higher authority; accountable. 3. Open to testing, criticism, or
judgment
Submit 1. To yield or surrender (oneself) to the will or authority of another: 2.
To subject to a condition or process. 1. To give in to the authority, power, or
desires of another. 2. To allow oneself to be subjected to something.

The dictionary definitions here make no inherent value judgment about the
behavior involved or implied. The definitions describe the Social Level of life
and living. The Psychological Process Level of peoples internal behavior, I
believe, significantly drives and determines the outcome at their Social Level.
_____________________________________________________________
Care must be taken in differentiating between the Social Level and the
Psychological Level of Compliance and Rebellion. It is often to easy to dismiss
the psychological value of COMPLIANCE to maintain our own comfort level.

REBELLIOUS CHILD
Rebel 1. To refuse allegiance to and oppose by force an established ruling
authority. 2. To resist or defy an authority or a generally accepted
convention. 3. To feel or express strong unwillingness or repugnance:
1.One who rebels or is in rebellion
Rebellion 1. Open, and organized resistance 2. An act or a show of
defiance toward an authority or established convention.
Resistance 1. The act or an instance of resisting or the capacity to resist.
2. A force that tends to oppose or retard motion.
Defiance 1. The act or an example of defying; bold resistance to an
opposing force or authority. 2. Intentionally contemptuous behavior or
attitude; readiness to contend or resist.
Opposition 1. a. The act of opposing or resisting. b. The condition of being
in conflict; antagonism
The dictionary definitions here make no inherent value judgment about the
behavior involved or implied. The definitions describe the Social Level of life
and living. The Psychological Process Level of peoples internal behavior, I
believe, significantly drives and determines the outcome at their Social Level.
_____________________________________________________________
Care must be taken in differentiating between the Social Level and the
Psychological Level of Compliance and Rebellion. It is often to easy to dismiss
the psychological value of REBELLION to maintain our own comfort level.

TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS (TA) tells us that our

personality is made up of 3 basic parts called:
EGO-STATES
An ego-state is defined as a COHERENT system of
thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
Each ego-state has a characteristic set of TRAITS:
Ego-states are not good or bad. They exist as they are.
They come from genetic inheritance, & from social training.
They exist with two displays:
1. USEFUL & FUNCTIONAL
2. DIS-USEFUL & DIS-FUNCTIONAL
AND THEREFORE THEY CAN
INCREASE OR DECREASE
VALUE IN RELATIONSHIPS

5 WAYS NOT OK PARENT DECREASES VALUE

DEMANDING - Arbitrary and capricious demands for obedience

without thought. Because I said so! Do as you are told ! -- Did
I ask you to think? -- Dont question me!
DESTRUCTIVE - Thoughtless words and behaviors that hurt and
invite fights, withdrawal, and invite people to defend themselves
by generating low self-esteem, bad feelings, bad behavior, and
unnecessary pain.
DISCOUNTING - Minimizing or ignoring some aspect of reality
that needs important attention:
You are not mad, you are just upset.
That is nothing to cry about, just forget about it.
DEMEANING - Name-Calling, (You are dumb, Your ideas are
stupid, Your friends are crazy). Put-Downs. Shaming. Blaming.
Undermining a persons dignity.
DIVISIVE - Creating emotional competition. You are
smarter / dumber than he/she/they are. You are right, they are
wrong. Never trust anybody, you will always get hurt.

5 WAYS OK PARENTS INCREASE VALUE

PERMISSION - Examples and verbal encouragement to do new

behaviors, use new thinking, explore feelings, experiment with
new social situations and new people to safely explore the world
and its challenges.
POTENCY - Provide clarity of belief in values, concepts,
personal and social rules, morals, ethics. Discussion and
exploration of these issues OVER TIME. (see repetition)
PROTECTION - Provide emotional support, set limits, explore
boundaries with patience and understanding. Stand-up to others
who are being abusive, discounting, demeaning.
REASSURANCE - People need to know that they are Doing
OK as they experiment, change, grow, and make mistakes -but continue to Hang-In-There. Reassurance is a wonderfully
powerful skill. GLOW!!
REPETITION - Recognize that Once is not enough when
teaching other people about complex issues. Value formation
requites talking about issues over time as people change / grow.

5 WAYS NOT OK ADULT DEC. VALUE

REPETITIVE - How many times to do you have to hear it to get

it? How many times to do you have to hear it to get it? How
many times to do you have to hear it to get it? How many
DULL-DRY - Lack of wit, charm, grace, humor, mean that
people will often go to sleep during a presentation. Dull and Dry
is self-centered and self-serving.
FEELINGS NOT OK - Excludes feelings solely in favor of
expressing information - people go to sleep. You can not
influence sleeping people, even if their eyes are open and they
are smiling at you agreeably !
SMALL PICTURE - Narrow and limited focus will leave people
out, miss their feelings, ignore opinions, discount experience,
and dismiss their perspective.
DATA ONLY - Raw information only gets about 10% of the job
done with people. Dont feed them with a fire-hose. Influencing
people requires that you pay attention to their feelings, opinions,
and experience

5 WAYS OK ADULT INC. VALUE

QUESTIONS - Questions gather information, gain perspective,

and counter impulsive knee-jerk judgements. Even-handed
people ask a lot of questions before they make up their mind or
form an opinion.
RATIONAL - Feelings and Opinions are often a personal
triumph over good inquiry and good data. Information comes in
many forms, some we like, some we do not. However, we do not
have to like it to use it wisely and well.
FEELINGS OK - Acceptance of self and others feelings as part
of the total picture. People with authority and power ignore
others feelings and opinions at their own peril.
BIG PICTURE - As opposed to the small, narrow, limited view
that often as not generates small, narrow, limited conclusions.
Increase perspective by questions.
INQUIRES - Talking an active interest in gathering information
about what is going on as opposed to operating on gossip,
innuendo, partial information, and prejudice.

5 WAYS NOT OK CHILD DEC. VALUE

REACTIVE - Knee-jerk, thoughtless, impulsive. Bratty, Sulky,

Me-first, feelings bigger than the event, Nice or Nasty to
extort what they want. Temper
ALWAYS-NEVER - Nothing succeeds like excess ! Getting
even with power by the power play of accusing with the dreaded
You Always - You-Never power play guilt trip.
WHINE-SNIVEL - Children learn how to instill guilt and how to
wear people down. People often give them their own way just to
get rid of them and their negativity - thereby reinforcing and
training them in the whine-snivel method.
OVER-COMPLY - Falling all over themselves to do everything
that they are told, down to mindless irrelevant unnecessary
detail. But you told me to do a good job !
OVER-REBEL - Will not take yes or no for an answer. Often
doing the opposite of what is requested just to prove their
independence (but it is the illusion of independence -- no
thinking of their own -- see reactive above)

5 WAYS OK CHILD INC. VALUE

COOPERATIVE - The Child ego-state loves to work together, to

learn, to experience, to do together. The work of childhood is
play. No play = no learning.
ENERGETIC - The source of energy, interest, vigorous, and
robust interest in love-work-play is in the Child ego-state.
No interest in the Child = Disaster.
SPONTANEOUS - The Child has a self-generating natural
inclination from within to look, feel, see, play and experience life
with curiosity, interest, enthusiasm, authenticity, integrity.
FUN-FLIRTY - The Child within us enjoys amusement, pleasure,
noisy playful activities as well as playfully romantic or sexual
overtures. Careful flirting is fun, playful, does not cross the lime
and is not harassment.
CREATIVE - Original -- Expressive -- Productive -- Imaginative -These are some of the best and most important qualities of the
Child.
TAKE CARE OF THE CHILD

TRANSACTIONS
Transactions occur between people, from one ego-state to
another ego-state. A transaction consists of a stimulus and a
response. The stimulus and response may be obvious and
verbal. Some times they are non-verbal and not so obvious.
Because ego-states are neither good nor bad, they have
functional and dysfunctional displays. One clear and simple way
to see the functional and dysfunctional displays is to look at the

KARPMAN DRAMA TRIANGLE

for dramatic dysfunction over and over
QUINBY DURABLE TRIANGLE
for durable function over time

Knowing a basic set of transactions that are functional and a

basic set that are dysfunctional is a great compass. It will keep
you from heading into the swamp and turn you toward the sun-lit
meadow where you can find warmth and rest in functional
relationships.
This is one case where a little knowledge can keep you out of a
lot of trouble, if you apply it well. The converse is also true.

TRANSACTIONS - PARENT TO PARENT

These have to with value sharing, value clarification, value
conflicts, and value generation. These are the shoulds,
should nots, musts, and must nots of a persons values.
Parent-Parent talks about values may be a pleasant and
cooperative or may be unpleasant and very competitive in
discussion or argument.
Life values are normally very closely held. Values contribute a
great deal to a persons identity. Values determine significant
issues about how they will defend themselves.
Questioning a persons values is often experienced as an attack
on the person themselves. Some experience the questioning of
their values as though their entire identity is being diminished.
(Often a low self-esteem problem)
Questioning authority--well--is a skill and an acquired taste.
Questioning authority is different from fighting or rebelling
against authority. One useful Parent value is If I cannot have my
authority questioned, I need to look to see if my authority is
arbitrary and capricious or stable and well-founded.

TRANSACTIONS - ADULT TO ADULT

Adult transactions are probably the shortest of the different
kinds of transactions in interpersonal relationships.
They have to do with doing business and to do with the
exchange of data, decisions, consequences, possibilities, and
what the next step will be when decisions are made.
The Adult questions are who, what, where, why, when, and how
much
After basic data about structure is gathered, then there are often
questions requesting information about values and feelings.
Sometimes the questions about values and feelings is the basic
data being gathered, that is:
How do you feel about. . . ?
Why do you feel that way. . . ?
What experience(s) makes you believe that. . . ?
When did that happen to affect you that way. . . ?
Did you make a decision about what to do. . . ?

TRANSACTIONS - CHILD TO CHILD

The Child ego-state, both Natural and Adapted, is full of feelings,
curiosity, interest about the process of life and living. People,
often after some basic trust is established, will be quite open
about their Child ego-state.
People will often share openly their feelings in an I AM OK and
YOU ARE OK invitation to find out about each other at a level
that generates authenticity and the sharing of their internal life,
both Natural and Adapted Child ego-states.
Direct Child-to-Child exchanges can be
Fun and exciting
Angry and scary
Scary and exciting
Intimate and bonding
Intimate and distancing
Awkward and embarrassing
Curious and interesting
Curious and disgusting
Sexy and dangerous fun
Sexy and flirtatious safe fun

TRANSACTIONS - PARENT TO ADULT

Parent to Adult transactions are less common transactions
They may arise from a Parent ego-state desire to get data from another persons Adult
about values, or data about variations upon which opinions are formed
Or ones Adult may get information from anothers Parent ego-state about how that
person believes, or what their opinion is on a certain subject
Parent to Adult
What factors should I consider that will have a significant effect upon my childs
healthy emotional development ?
Adult to Parent
How did you form your values and opinions about your rules for raising children to
become emotionally healthy ?

TRANSACTIONS - ADULT TO CHILD

Talking to the Child ego-state in small children, from your Adult,
will give information about feelings, and circumstances that
generate feelings. It also gives information about life and living
that small children use to make sense out of their world of
feelings and experiences.
Children do make decisions about adapting to their surroundings
but need information to help them make decisions that will be
satisfying for themselves in the long run. Without good
information from grow-ups, children will make decisions solely
based upon their limited knowledge. These decisions, then, are
often not know to grown-ups, who often wonder why children are
doing what they are doing.
A therapist, talking from their Adult to anothers Child, may give
information about why and how childhood decisions are made
and how current reality may or may not support those decisions
today.
Clients will ask for information from a therapist and then test that
information for validity.

TRANSACTIONS - PARENT TO CHILD

Parent to Child communications are either as a real parent to a real child or a grown-up person using
their Parent and targeting the Child in another person. One common example:
Most children worry about 3 things:
Anger - Approval - Abandonment.
When we are grown-up we have those same 3 worries inside us. Anger is often the most
problematic.
We can defensively deal with our fear by being compliant & fearful
We can defensively deal with our fear by being combative & angry

PARENT
CHILD

You never clean up after yourself! Gee I didnt mean to

Why are you always so late? I try hard to be on time

Why do you always do this to me? Im really very sorry

You make me so mad! Ill try harder to be nice

You never clean up after yourself! Oh yeah, so what !

Why are you always so late? Bug-off !

Why do you always do this to me? You do it to me !

You make me so mad! Tough, live with I !t

TRANSACTIONS - THREE TYPES

When one ego-state offers a stimulus to a target ego-state, a response is expected from the target
ego-state.
But a direct (stimulus-to) & (response-from) does not always happen.
COMPLIMENTARY
If the transaction is complimentary (parallel) the target ego-state DOES respond and the pattern may
repeat.
CROSSED
If the transaction is crossed, the target ego-state DOES NOT respond and a NEW pattern starts.
ULTERIOR
If the transaction is ulterior, the target DOES respond AND MORE IS HAPPENING, BUT IT IS
HIDDEN.
And the hidden setup finally shows up -- surprise !

TRANSACTIONS - CROSSED
When any ego-state talks to another and the target ego-state
DOES NOT respond, the transaction is CROSSED. It does not
matter whether the stimulus and response are functional or
dysfunctional.
A common crossed-transaction occurs when a person is asked
a question for information and they take the question as
criticism - they will often cross the transaction with
defensiveness or hostility, and the reverse is true as well.

STIMULUS

What time is it? Am I your mother, get a watch !

(A to A)

Can you talk to me now ?

(A to A)

You are always late ! ! Tell me more.

(P to C)

You are never on time ! !

(P to C)

You never help me out ! !

(C to P)

RESPONSE
(P to C)
You know I am too busy !

(P to C)
(A to A)
Will you give me 3 examples?

(A to A)

(A to A)

What can I do for you ?

TRANSACTIONS - COMPLIMENTARY (PARALLEL)

When any ego-state talks to another and the target ego-state DOES respond, the
transaction is COMPLIMENTARY and the ego-states remain engaged in further
transactions.
It does not matter whether the stimulus and response are functional or dysfunctional. The
process of a complimentary transaction determines the continuity of transactions.
These include:
P-P A-A C-C P-A P-C A-C
Parents nagging children - Parents nurturing children
Adult giving interesting data - Adult giving dull and dry data
Child whining and sniveling - Child curious & fun cooperation
Parent fighting with another Parent about proper values
Parent discussing with another Parent about proper values

TRANSACTIONS - ULTERIOR
Ulterior transactions show the underlying or hidden agenda that
people have when communicating with each other. People say
the words that you hear and have a hidden intention that you do
not hear.
They also will show certain non-verbal behavior that may have a
common social value but may mean something else because of
the other persons hidden agenda.
Learning about peoples hidden intentions will help avoid
game-playing (in the Transactional Analysis sense of the word
game)
An understanding of ulterior transactions will lead to a good
understanding of games, rackets, the Drama Triangle, the OK
CORRAL, and other ways that we get into trouble with ourselves
and others.

A - A Wait, let me show you how to do that !

Adult to Adult -- Looks like an innocent offer of data

P - C Unstated hidden ulterior agenda position

Parent to Child -- I am OK and you are NOT OK !

THE KARPMAN DRAMA TRIANGLE

The Drama Triangle shows the dramatic roles that people

act-out in daily life that are unstable, unsatisfactory, repeated,
emotionally competitive, and generate misery and discomfort for
both people, sooner or later.

The switching that occurs between

Persecutor - Rescuer - Victim

generates the Drama and the painful feelings that occur when
people have hidden agendas, secrets, and then manipulate for
dysfunctional personal advantage.
The problem about being in the Drama Triangle is that people
have NO stable [Parent-Adult] limits on behavior. NO guidance people are out of rational control and do NOT use enough words
to identify the problem or do problem-solving

WIN-LOSE ALWAYS TURNS INTO LOSE-LOSE.

A "WIN" IN THE DRAMA TRIANGLE IS TEMPORARY

PERSECUTORS

OPERATE FROM THE PSYCHOLOGICALLY AND

EMOTIONALLY COMPETITIVE
DYSFUNCTIONAL POWER POSITION OF
I AM OK - YOU ARE NOT OK -- WITHOUT LIMITS

Find Fault, Critical, often unpleasant,

Often feels Inadequate underneath,

Leadership by Threats, Orders, and Rigidity,

Can be loud or Quiet in style,
Sometimes a Bully,
Sometimes obvious Shame and Blame
Those who Persecute will NOT take NO for an answer.

RESCUERS

OPERATE FROM THE PSYCHOLOGICALLY AND

EMOTIONALLY COMPETITIVE
DYSFUNCTIONAL POWER POSITION OF
I AM OK - YOU ARE NOT OK -- WITHOUT LIMITS

Always working HARD to HELP other people, other

situations, Harried, Tired, Physical Complaints, Angry
underneath, often Lonely, not having a Life of their own.

May be Loud or Quiet Martyr in style,

Uses Guilt, Shame, Blame, subtle or obvious
Style is sometimes Subtle, sometimes Obvious
Often the Steel Hand in the Velvet Glove
They Help without a contract - meddlers

VICTIMS

OPERATE FROM THE PSYCHOLOGICALLY AND

EMOTIONALLY COMPETITIVE
DYSFUNCTIONAL POWER POSITION OF
I AM NOT OK - YOU ARE OK -- WITHOUT LIMITS

Do less than 50%, wont respond, wont reach out, wont take a stand. Simulates
compliance, (blackmailers - use guilt) Super-Sensitive Wants Kid-Glove treatment,

THEY ARE "DUE-ME / DO-ME" PEOPLE

Pretend impotence and incompetence - but they are not! Their physical appearance often
states their victim position in hair, clothes, posture, speech, scheduling, lack of attention
to detail,- irresponsibility in details that are important to others.

They quit on you! This is one way that they have to use power.

Those who do Victim will NOT take NO for an answer.

NO LIMITS
Without limits and boundaries, people do not know when to start or stop, when they are done, when
they have gone far enough, or when enough has been said or done. They run on emotional cues, and
feelings and thoughts of entitlement.
Without limits people get involved in endless emotional competition for who is OK and who is NOT
OK. The Drama Triangle struggle for Okness generates power plays of naming, blaming, and
shaming, and emotional competition with no clear functional outcome -- for now or in the future !
The bad feelings that follow will be obvious or subtle and often felt much later than the Drama that
generates them. The Drama is regenerated and repeated. Nobody knows who started it, why it
started, when it started , when it will end, how it will end, and it does not do problem-solving
generation.

1. No lines past which to stop (no time to take a break)

2. No confines or restrictions

3. No restraint within a boundary

4. No specification(too few words to set limits)

(no rules or procedures)

(how long to talk)

NO LIMITS - to breach the rules of Civility, Politeness, Dignity

SECRETS

x
1. Whichever role in the Drama Triangle that you do NOT know
how to do -- on purpose as a procedure -- is the one that you will
get blackmailed and threatened with the most. The other persons
switch between P-R-V is often frightening and confusing for you -because you dont like experiencing that in yourself--and that is
how others use their POWER on you.
2. Two people can NOT say in the same Drama Role for very
long. People unconsciously change Roles in the Drama Triangle
to maintain their illusion of power. If you change Drama Roles on
purpose - as a procedure - you can control yourself and minimize
the damage to both of you when they get stuck in their Drama
and manipulation to maintain power.
3. People have a favorite scripted Role and a favorite scripted
switch to another Role. These are learned and fine-tuned in
childhood and as grown-ups. If you know them, you can avoid
that Dramatic Switch which generates the unpleasant payoff that
follows.
MASTER PRV BY PRACTICING AS A PROCEDURAL SKILL

1-2-3

There are 3 degrees of intensity in DRAMA

1st Degree involves low-level control struggle task problems and

hassle-times -- I have told you 2 times to take out the trash ! -Are you ever going to finish your homework ?
2nd Degree, in childhood, involves threats, seduction, shaming
and blaming. You better be good or I will spank you. Finish your
homework or there is no dessert after dinner. If you are really
good this week maybe you can go to the movies (maybe being
the operative word here). You are driving me crazy. You are no
good and always/never will be.
3rd Degree ends up in the morgue, the courtroom, or the hospital.
This is the lethal level. People wind up here by not using enough
words or any restraints early enough in the problem presentation,
not paying attention to lessons presented, having bad
childhoods that they have not examined and then repaired,
operating mostly on emotions.
x

WITH NO CHANGE THE MISERY GOES ON AND ON

THE STORIES
x
BELOW IS A STORY ABOUT A FAMILY WITH 2 LEVELS
x
X
THE SOCIAL LEVEL
THAT IS VISIBLE TO OTHER PEOPLE
X
x
AND
x
X
THE PROCESS LEVEL
THAT IS HIDDEN FROM OTHER PEOPLE
X
x
The misery comes from the reality that :
x
x
SECRETS = SUFFERING IN SILENCE

LEVEL DATA - (the social story)

FAMILY - PART 1

Father

Child -

Terry -

Mother

Child -

Billy -

DAD - John has worked at an automotive parts house for 12 years and has been promoted to
manager. He is having some trouble with the responsibility of supervising the other employees and
managing the parts house. He has been drinking a six-pak or two for years most nights after work.
He is supercritical of people's performance at work and drives himself to higher and higher
production goals. As a result he is more irritable at home and has begun hitting his wife, again, when
he is drunk.

MOM - Mary works part-time as a waitress. The money she earns goes toward getting extra things
for the children--such as new clothes for school and presents for holidays and special occasions. She
suffers from migraines and sometimes has to call in sick. She married John because he was strong
and protective but John has little patience with her migraines because he has never missed a day of
work in his life and Mary tends to "complain about small stuff a lot anyway". When John took Mary
to the hospital--for the birth of their first born Terry--John had been drinking and had an accident.
The accident resulted in the near death of Mary and the child.

CHILD - Terry--now in high school--is getting low grades and is a discipline problem. Terry has
begun using drugs more and more and has moved into using harder drugs and has begun to mix
alcohol with the drug usage. Terry has been promised a job by a friend's father at twice minimum
wage, working at typesetting in a print shop. Even though Terry likes math and history, Terry
desperately wants to quit school, get married, and go to work. Although he knows Terry has been
involved 3 times with the police for juvenile scrapes, the owner of the print shop has faith in Terry.

John -

Age 36

Age 17

Mary -

Age 33

Age 15

CHILD - Billy may be described as a "model child". Never a problem at home or at school. Billy
gets good grades and takes part in extra activities at school. Billy likes arts, crafts and drama and
spends a lot of time at home quietly doing projects in the bedroom. Billy even has a small chemistry
lab and likes to do special projects for extra credit at school.

THE PROBLEM - Push has finally come to shove--Terry has been picked up for selling cocaine at
school. Terry's probation officer has come by the house with Terry in tow and is talking to mother
when father comes home. Dad has had to fire an employee today for pilfering auto parts. Dad had to
answer to the regional office manager who chewed him out for not keeping track of inventory better.
Dad has stopped off for a couple of "quick ones" to dull the pain.

DRAMA TRIANGLE SIMULATION

LEVEL DATA - (the secret story)

FAMILY - PART 2

Father

Child -

Terry -

Mother

Child -

Billy -

DAD - John was beaten by his alcoholic father on a regular basis. John had a big fight with his
father at 14, left home and finished high school living at a friend's home. When John got his first job
he proudly told his dad. His fathers only comment was "You have more on the ball than that". Two
days before the birth of their first child John had visited his father in an attempt to build a new tie
with the coming birth of a grandchild. John's father was drunk and struck John and told him he was
not interested in any grandchildren that he would have and besides he had married a "damaged"
woman who was beneath him.

MOM - Mary , the oldest, had to care for her brothers and sisters when her father died and her
mother went to work as a waitress. After mother remarried, Mary continued to be responsible for the
other children, with mother's encouragement, allowing mother to have more time with her new
husband. Mary was molested by her stepfather and an uncle between 7 and 12 years of age. She
married to get away from home but is still fearful of men--even though she married John because he
is big, strong, and protective. John has now turned out to be mean, critical and possessive. She wants
to go to junior college to study secretarial courses to better herself, but she keeps spending the
money on the children to "give them what I never had". Being a waitress is OK because she is "in
charge" and likes serving people, but going to school and being a student is fearful for her. Although
her husband has beaten her on several occasions she feels that he is basically a good man and that
sometimes she goads him into it.

John -

Age 36

Age 17 FEMALE

Mary -

Age 33

Age 15 MALE

CHILD - Terry, angry depressed, laid awake nights listening to dad's drunken ravings, angry fights
with mom which included some violence. When Terry came to the aid of mom, dad would turn on
Terry--then things got worse. Terry feels hopeless to change things. Terry was born with a mild form
of dyslexia and part of the school problem is traceable to this problem of seeing letters inverted
and/or backwards. Only recently diagnosed, it has been an unknown source of frustration for Terry.
Terry was frequently told by father that "You're dumb, stupid and no damn good, and never will be".

CHILD - Billy is suicidal, and, unlike Terry, Billy decided to "keep the nose to the grindstone" and
ignore the family hassles. As the years rolled by Billy became better and better at hiding feelings.
Billy now has two lives--a social facade of success, accomplishment, and sociability--and a private
life internally which is preoccupied with thoughts of suicide. At 15 Billy is having great trouble
dealing with the demands of growing sexuality, and the social demands of getting along with peers
but not having a decent model of how to deal with feelings. With nobody to confide in at home, Billy
is feeling "wound up like a spring". Billy has been recently experimenting with different chemicals
of lethal capability, secretly experimenting on the neighborhood cats and dogs.

END EXAMPLES

SOME DYSFUNCTIONAL
D R AM AT I C R U LE S
FOR TALKING AND MAKING PROBLEMS WORSE
1. ARGUE LOUDLY
2. INTERRUPT FREQUENTLY
3. VALUE ONLY YOUR OPINIONS & FEELINGS
4. TELL THEM - NEVER ASK FOR INFORMATION
5. TAKE IT ALL EMOTIONALLY AND PERSONALLY
6. REMEMBER - YOU CAN DO THIS FOREVER
TALK FOR HOURS AND HOURS - LOUD AND HOT
x

TALK-FIGHT-EXHAUSTION-TALK-FIGHT-EXHAUSTION

A SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT -- ( DUE ME - DO ME )

"you
"I
deserve
.
"I
should
have
.
"I
do
not
have
"I
should
not
"I
am
"I am entitled to . . . "x

owe
.
.
to

.
.

do
have
above

(you
(you
should
.
.
.
to
.
doing

X
PROCESS
INVISIBLE
inside
CONTENT - VISIBLE - seen/heard in our behavior

our

head,

do
not
(you
.

heart,

me"
not)
have)
do)
.
that"

gut

X
If you cannot determine whether other people have a clear sense
of entitlement about some issue, then look at their behavior
-- over time -- to observe their habitual use of the OK CORRAL
positions, where they are in the DRAMA TRIANGLE, and what
EGO-STATES: that they use, -- over time --.
Habitual use will establish a pattern. When you know patterns and have studied more
TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS THEORY, you can get into trouble ---or--- stay out of
trouble with equal skill.
X
AN INTERESTING AND VALUABLE SKILL ALL BY ITSELF !

POWER comes in 2 classes & 2 types

Personal Power & Position Power
Functional & Dysfunctional
x

POSITION POWER comes from your job description: Boss,

Manager, Lead-person, CEO, Mother, Father, Wife, Husband,
Teacher, Therapist, Policeman. Position Power is shown by what
people DO in that position.
PERSONAL POWER comes from what you know, what you
believe, and what you do about it. Personal Power is generated
by thoughts, feelings, opinions, behaviors, experiences, and the
decisions that we make about behavior. That is what:
we could DO - should DO - feel to DO - think to DO - need to DO.
DYSFUNCTIONAL POWER is ME oriented. People who abuse
power are running scared inside - regardless of what you see on
the outside. Power abusers usually have a well developed
look-good for their outside social display. Power abusers can
appear loud and abusive or charming and cooperative.
FUNCTIONAL POWER is I-YOU-WE oriented. These people
are team players who work for mutual benefit for the long run.
They have perspective and a well developed sense of
give-and-take about working with others.

The OK CORRAL

I AM NOT OK AND YOU ARE OK

X

THE SOCIAL OPERATION OF GET-AWAY-FROM

IS RECIPROCATED BY GET-RID-OF
POSITION RESULTING AT CONCLUSION OF ENCOUNTER:
I-Am-Not-Okay-With-Me-and-You-Are-Okay-With-Me

X
Example:
Al: Hi! Bob! Good to see you!
Bob: Yeah, good to see you too!
Hey, I want to talk to you a minute now, if you have it.
Al: Sorry, Bob. Theres a meeting down the hall I have
to get to. Maybe later in the day, though, we can do it.
Okay? (Leaving).
In this encounter, Al is operationally-concluding
the event by getting-away-from Bob.
(Note also that from Bobs view he is, in effect, getting-rid-of Al.)
SOURCE: TAJ 1:4, October 1971

I AM OK AND YOU ARE OK

X

THE SOCIAL OPERATION OF GET-ON-WITH

IS RECIPROCATED BY GET-ON-WITH
POSITION RESULTING AT CONCLUSION OF ENCOUNTER:
I-Am--Okay-With-Me-and-You-Are-Okay-With-Me-Also!

Example:

Al: Well, Bob, the papers here look like they are all
in order and clear. Ill sign here and you sign right
over here!, OK?
Bob: OK! Thanks! We can get this new distribution working
by three days from now!

SOURCE: TAJ 1:4, October 1971

I AM NOT OK AND YOU ARE NOT OK

X

THE SOCIAL OPERATION OF GET-NOWHERE-WITH

IS RECIPROCATED BY GET-NOWHERE-WITH
X
POSITION RESULTING AT CONCLUSION OF ENCOUNTER:
I-Am-Not-Okay-With-Me-and-You-Are-Not-Okay-With-Me

X
Example:
Bob: Hey, Al, will you sign this paper for me right away?
I got to hurry up and get it down to the boss.
(A reasoned (temporary style) GNW resolution is in the)
X
Al: Oh, hey, Bob. Let me think on it a little while first.
I wont be able to do it right now.
X
Al was not ready yet to get somewhere with Bob. I-am-not-OK-with-myself-to-handleit-now-and-you-are-not-OK
-with-me-yet-as-far-as-settling-this-item-one-way-or-another.
XX
SOURCE: TAJ 1:4, October 1971

I AM OK AND YOU ARE NOT OK

X

THE SOCIAL OPERATION OF GET-RID-OF

IS RECIPROCATED BY GET-AWAY-FROM
X
POSITION RESULTING AT CONCLUSION OF ENCOUNTER:
I-Am-Okay-With-Me-and-You-Are-Not-Okay-With-MeX

X
X
Example:
X
X
Al Well, lets see. I think that covers all the points we had to go over here at staff
conference, today. I see the time is up for this meeting. Good to have met with you. We
will be getting together again here next week. See you then. Good-bye for now.

SOURCE: TAJ 1:4, October 1971

THE OK CORRAL BY FRANK H. ERNST. JR. MD

x
The OK CORRAL is the diagram for classifying
the outcomes of the events of your life:

GET-AWAY-FROM GET-ON-WITH

GET-NOWHERE-WITH

You can choose how you want a situation to come out before the end of it. Not all events
can end in a get-on-with. To have a get-on-with for some events you can choose for
others to come out in one of the other three ways.

YOU CANNOT GET-ON-WITH EVERYBODY AND EVERYTHING.

Healthy people use each one of the four ways at least once a day.

GET-RID-OF

One persons

GOW

is

anothers GOW

One persons

GAF is

the others GRO

One persons

GRO

is

the others GAF

One persons

GNW

is

the others GNW

ALL FORMS OF THESE POSITIONS ARE USEFUL

A SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT -- ( DUE ME - DO ME )

"you
"I
deserve
.
"I
should
have
.
"I
do
not
have
"I
should
not
"I
am
"I am entitled to . . . "x

owe
.
.
to

.
.

do
have
above

(you
(you
should
.
.
.
to
.
doing

do
not
(you
.

me"
not)
have)
do)
.
that"

PROCESS
INVISIBLE
inside
CONTENT - VISIBLE - seen/heard in our behavior

our

head,

heart,

gut

If you cannot determine whether other people have a clear sense

of entitlement about some issue, then look at their behavior
-- over time -- to observe their habitual use of the OK CORRAL
positions, where they are in the DRAMA TRIANGLE, and what
EGO-STATES: that they use, -- over time --.

Habitual use will establish a pattern. When you know patterns and have studied more
TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS THEORY, you can get into trouble ---or--- stay out of
trouble with equal skill.
AN INTERESTING AND VALUABLE SKILL ALL BY ITSELF !

SOCIAL OPERATION:

SOCIAL OPERATION:

GET-AWAY-FROM

GET-ON-WITH

SOCIAL PROCESS:
DEVOLUTION

SOCIAL PROCESS:
EVOLUTION

SOCIAL DISPLAY:
SOBBER - HELPLESS

SOCIAL DISPLAY:
SOLVER - HAPPY

SOCIAL ACTIVITY
TRUANT - RUNAWAY

SOCIAL ACTIVITY
WINNER - BE THE BEST

GAF

GOW

GNW

GRO

SOCIAL OPERATION:

SOCIAL OPERATION:

GET-NOWHERE-WITH

GET-RID-OF

SOCIAL PROCESS:
OBVOLUTION

SOCIAL PROCESS:
REVOLUTION

SOCIAL DISPLAY:
SULKER - HOPELESS

SOCIAL DISPLAY:
SOCKER - HATEFUL

SOCIAL ACTIVITY

SOCIAL ACTIVITY
CRUSADER

PHRASES: I GUESS, I DONT

KNOW, YOU KNOW

PHRASES: THANK YOU, HI,

I LIKE YOU

PAYOFF: EMBARRASSED

PAYOFF: JOYFUL, JUBILANT

WARM FACE: BLUSHING

WARM FACE: GLOWING

TIME: PASS

TIME: MAKE, SPEND, USE

GAF

GOW

GNW

GRO

PHRASES: ITS SORT OF LIKE,

WHY BOTHER, YOU DIDNT
BOTHER ME, IM NOT SURE

PHRASES: I DONT CARE,

BUT ANYWAY, BUT ANYHOW

PAYOFF: HUMILIATED

PAYOFF: FURIOUS, BURNED,

BURNED UP

WARM FACE: PINKING

WARM FACE: BURNING, LIVID

TIME: WASTE, MARK

TIME: KILL

People form alliances, friendships. The I Am OK (or Not-OK)

becomes a We after I and You have negotiated to become a
We; You recruit Me or I recruit You, either way. The We
now are dealing with others. The others can be a You (singular
or plural), He, She, Named Person, They or Named Group.
Then the We are listed on either end of the horizontal axis
instead of I and the other party on either end of the vertical
axis.
You are OK (with me) Strokes: Either way (that you take it),
you are OK with me! Its on me! Treats on me!
I Am OK (with me) Strokes: Either way (that you take it) I AM
OK! Its on you, if you will be OK with me or not!
I Am Not-OK (with me) Strokes: Its because of me! Its my
fault!
You Are Not-OK (with me) Strokes: (the jeers, put downs and
psychological rackets): Its because of you! Its your fault!
(Its ALL MY FAULT, means Its your fault!)X
(From 1975 Addressoset poster - F.H.Ernst, Jr., M.D.)

THE QUINBY ATTITUDE TRIANGLE THAT IS

YOU SHOULD
TELL ME
THIS BELONGS TO
DO YOU LOVE GOOD
THINK
YES
YOU
ME OR
OR
OR
OR
OR BAD
"FEEL
NO
ME
THEM

MOST OF US HAVE BEEN RAISED WITH THE FORCED

CHOICE OF ONLY 2 CHOICES -- BY PARENTS, TEACHERS,
SIBLINGS, LOVERS, THERAPISTS. VERY OFTEN NEITHER
CHOICE IS USEFUL AS PRESENTED, AND ALLOWS US
ONLY THE UNPLEASANTNESS OF A DOUBLE-BIND CHOICE

FUNCTIONAL ISSUES USUALLY HAVE MORE THAN

2 OK OPTIONS
2 OK CHOICES
2 OK VALUES

THE QUINBY ATTITUDE TRIANGLE

When I was training to become a therapist I was told, Lewis, you think too
much, you should feel more! So I was offered the forced choice of FEEL
more and THINK less -- to become a mentally healthy person!
(That has never made good sense to me - mental health instruction not
withstanding - that a person has to give up something to get something. I
have always experienced change and growth as an additive process. The
dysfunctional process most often shrinks for lack of attention as adding in
the new functional process and procedure adds comfort.)
Now I have the forced choice of FEEL or THINK. So I place an X on the
line between the two choices (required of me) where I experience myself
most of the time.
(this is an intuitive guesstimate - this is not a test)
THINKING was encouraged as a child, FEELING was not.
THINKING served me a child, expressing FEELING did not.
THINKING was more comfortable, as a child, than FEELING
THINKING was safe, FEELINGS, as a child were dangerous
This is not about right or wrong, but an awareness exercise for me about
my balance with THINK / FEEL as a child, and now as a grown-up.
So I place an X where I find a personal balance point about how much I
estimate that THINKING actually does run my life and how much FEELING
actually does run my life, on average, for the past year or two.

THE QUINBY ATTITUDE TRIANGLE So, being a good student, I then hurry toward
FEELING, running away from
THINKING. This, of course, produces some not inconsiderable discomfort
(read scared-as-hell"), because I like THINKING, I am good at it, and that
FEELINGS were not supported or encouraged or nourished in my family,
as a child.
(dangerous-dont go there-Oh, damn, I have to, I want to be a therapist)
So I make a choice closer to FEEL, to experiment with how feelings can
add value to my life, now that I am grown-up and I am told that I need a new
balance about feelings / thinking.
- BUT Finding FEELINGS in a relationship is scary
Having fun with someone who FEELS is scary
Identifying problems about FEELINGS is hard to do
Solving problems about FEELINGS is even harder
Having FEELINGS, not thinking about them, is scary
Learning about FEELINGS is feeling not thinking
They say I SHOULD find value in paying attention to my feelings.
So now I place an X where I might find a personal balance point about how
much THINKING should run my life and how much FEELING should, or at
least, could run my life. (They [professional mental health people] said . . . )

THE QUINBY ATTITUDE TRIANGLE

I am still not very comfortable or very familiar with doing that much FEELING
so I run back to my original choice of my COMFORT ZONE X which
produces more thinking and less feeling - fine!.
Based on my childhood experience this makes sense and certainly the
safest and most secure for me. (Although it may not be the most productive
and problematic for a therapist -They said!)
The problem, however, is that my childhood decisions do not always work
well now that I am a grown-up. I am not defending myself against my family
anymore -- except perhaps in my head or when I make other people into
family by experiencing them like :
You are judgmental just like my Mom
You are explosive, just like my Dad
You are mean-spirited just like my Sister
You are cruel just like my Brother
(everywhere I go I find me, and my mom, and my dad, and my . . .)
So I have an X where I find a personal balance point about how much
THINKING does run my life and how much FEELING does run my life, on the
average, for the last year or two. (Same old X)

THE QUINBY ATTITUDE TRIANGLE BUT now I add a 3rd choice to modify the forced choice.
This gives me a
new option to consider. But I do not have to (real or imaginary) ABANDON
FOREVER MY SAFETY of my thinking in favor of feeling because somebody
told me to do it. (real or imaginary-struggle for emotional comfort is still a
control struggle)
Now I draw another leg of a triangle with DO. This is for behavior -- what I
DO about my thinking and what I DO about my feelings. How my behavior
influences those two parts of my personality.
(homework about behavior now becomes the issue for making small
changes without major emotional threat -- small starts are good -- too much
means people quit and lose even small gains)
Then I place another X between THINK and DO where I
think-feel-believe-experience that I balance DOING with THINKING, not just
with the forced choice of FEELING. (this is easier and fun)
I like doing stuff and I enjoy thinking and planning equally, and I do it well.
So I have an X where I have found a personal balance point about how
much THINKING does run my life and how much DOING does run my life, on
average, for the last year or two

THE QUINBY ATTITUDE TRIANGLE

Now I draw the last leg of the triangle.

With this third issued to soften my forced choice I now have a new picture
that is not about forced choice, but is now about 3 new sets of options that
give me an opportunity to :
RELATE TO 3 SETS OF CHOICES
RELATE TO 3 SETS OF OPTIONS
That affect each other (me) in new and different ways
(homework about behavior now becomes the issue for making small
changes without major emotional threat -- small starts are good -- too much
means people quit and lose even small gains)
This eliminates the arbitrary and forced choice for only 2 options. Forced
Choice usually offers a winning and Losing choice. Winning and Losing
is a power competition with no winners. Now I can THINK - FEEL - DO and
look at how 3 choices relate to me.
So I place and X where I find this balance point between how much my
DOING does run my life and how much my FEELING does run my life. Now I
am adding, not subtracting, to my comfort.

THE QUINBY ATTITUDE TRIANGLE Now I have the last X between DO and
FEEL to make an
estimate of how I think - feel - believe - experience that DO and
FEEL balance out , on average over a couple of years.
I like doing stuff and I have some trouble with direct experience
of emotions so the placement of the X favors the DO end of
the line, just like I do THINK - FEEL placement.
With this third issue to soften the competition I now have a new
picture that is not about competition, but is about how :
I relate to 3 things, without having to give up any one of them
I can share with another with my new found options
I can share in a relationship with new comfort
Emotional security, and comfort are foundations for change.
These provide enormous security for me in being able to explore,
question, challenge, and test, to enjoy my change and growth
with a lot of emotional comfort and freedom.
And without the emotionally forced choice of only 2 options

THE QUINBY ATTITUDE TRIANGLE

Now I draw a line between the Xs and fill in the area to make it
stand out clearly. Now I have three areas generated by my
choices. What do the different sized ?mark triangles mean ?
Is the largest area an opportunity for growth or a problem? Are
they in balance ? Is that OK, normal, healthy? Does it matter NO ! Use it to generate new perspective and comfort.
What is the meaning for me ? New ideas and questions now.
For me, I now have these 6 OPTIONS - NOT 2 for exploring :
Thinking about my feelings
Thinking about my behavior
Behavior based on feelings
Behavior based on thinking
Feelings about my thinking
Feelings about my behavior
New meaning does not always come easily, nor does it often
come quickly. I have done this exercise for many years on
paper and with people a - way to generate new choices. I now
use it in my head to find THE WAY OUT when in conflict.

THE QUINBY ATTITUDE TRIANGLE

As the years have gone by, I have been happier, more

productive, gentler, kinder, and more empathic. Also I have been
considerably more clear about what is and what is not important
in life, living and relationships - at home and work.
I look at my attitudes about what I see as the 3 bottom lines :
1. Health and Safety No hitting, no endangerment
2. Dignity No Naming, Blaming, Shaming
3. Agreements Keep your word or give good notice
And I cannot find any exceptions of age, gender, creed, race,
religion or ethnicity. I believe that inherent in all persons is the
need and desire to have these 3 bottom lines maintained by
others with integrity, and to deliver with integrity themselves.
I MAY BE IN ERROR ABOUT THESE IDEAS, BUT I AM NOT IN DOUBT.
If you can find exceptions to these 3 concepts about integrity,
I would like to know - please e-mail me. I have used the
attitude triangle to develop my ideas. I can also use the triangle
to change my attitudes, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

THE QUINBY ATTITUDE TRIANGLE

Attitudes are the hardest part of a personality to change

because they are integrated into the Parent - Adult - Child.
A state of mind or a feeling: disposition, ones usual mood, temperament, a habitual
inclination; a tendency; character.

Temperament applies broadly to the sum of a physical,

emotional, and intellectual characteristics that affect or
determine a persons actions and reactions: Her highly
strung temperament make her .... capricious ... enchanting
(George Bernard Shaw)

Character especially emphasizes moral and ethical qualities: Education has for its
object the formation of character.

Personality is the sum of distinctive traits that give a person

individuality: The meeting of two personalities is like the contact
of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are
transformed (Carl Jung)

BEGINNING IDEAS

red

coffeetea

black white sugar in coffee or tea

INTERMEDIATE IDEAS

avoidance

self

couple

family

us

me

balance in your life

ADVANCED IDEAS

depression detachment delight

how to take criticism

compliance confront

how to get your way

lover soul-mate

MEDICINE - BUSINESS - ETHICS

business

burden

beneft

prestige

power

pay

equipment organization

yellow

blue color choice for t-shirt

milk what to have at break

non-verbal verbalbest in confrontation

you

balance in your life

coercion

friend

picking a partner
hospital decisions
job desires
morale

for stable business

THE QUINBY ATTITUDE TRIANGLE LOVE - WORK - PLAY - 3 areas in life

that INVITE MASTERY
The practice of MASTERY and BALANCE in these 3 life areas
help to ensure HAPPY, PRODUCTIVE, FUNCTIONAL, LIVING.
LOVE - a profound sense of respect, admiration, affection, for
another, devotion, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense
of underlying oneness. To like or desire enthusiastically. To
thrive on, need. To experience deep affection or intense desire
for another.
Devotion is earnest, affectionate dedication; it implies a more
selfless, often more abiding feeling than love. In infatuation is
foolish or extravagant attraction, often of short duration.
A LOVING attention to our WORK and our PLAY gives new
dimensions to WORK and PLAY. People often have trouble
with their WORK when it becomes drudgery, without any
sense of PLAY or LOVE included. PLAY can become
mindless without some sense of LOVE attached to it.

THE QUINBY ATTITUDE TRIANGLE

LOVE - WORK - PLAY - 3 areas in life that INVITE MASTERY

The practice of MASTERY and BALANCE in these 3 life areas
help to ensure HAPPY, PRODUCTIVE, FUNCTIONAL, LIVING.
WORK - Physical or mental effort or activity directed toward the
production or accomplishment of something. Something that
one is doing, making, or performing.
Something that has been produced or accomplished through the
effort of a person.
To exert oneself physically or mentally in order to do, make, or
accomplish something. To exert an influence.
WORK without a sense of PLAYFULNESS can turn into a
mindless attention to task performance. WORK without a
sense of LOVE can generate contempt for the chores being
done. People who have some sense of LOVE and PLAY about
their work are happier, make fewer mistakes, have fewer
accidents. They are more productive and more creative,
supportive team players, and fun to be around.

THE QUINBY ATTITUDE TRIANGLE LOVE - WORK - PLAY - 3 areas in life

that INVITE MASTERY
The practice of MASTERY and BALANCE in these 3 life areas
help to ensure HAPPY, PRODUCTIVE, FUNCTIONAL, LIVING.
PLAY - To occupy oneself in amusement, sport, to act in jest,
to behave or converse in a sportive or playful way, to pretend to
be, mimic the activities: played the cowboy; played the star.
People need to PLAY in practicing different feelings, roles,
ego-states, thoughts, what-ifs. Life is not grim - if you learn to
play with new ideas, thoughts and feelings, then you can
try-them-on-for-size before you buy them. Children do this all
the time to try-on-life and pick what works for them.
PLAY creates new relationship to ideas, feelings, people,
activities. PLAY at WORK often makes the work more efficient
and the day go pleasantly. PLAYFULNESS at LOVE stops the
dull, repetitive routines that take the luster and vitality out of
loving. A sense of PLAY in life adds comfort, creativity, and joy.
Laughter, Lightness, and Giggling are good too.

Each one of us has three ego states inside

WE have three ego states, whether we aewbig or

small

People have characteristic way of talking & listening

or not

What we see on outside may be different than inside

WE OFTEN APPEAL TO OTHERS

"MOTIVATIONS" IN SUBLIMINAL WAYS

IF WE ARE LOCKED UP INSIDE - WE HAVE

TROUBLE REACHING OUT

WHAT WE "SEE" IS NOT ALWAYS WHAT WE

"GET" - KIDS KNOW BETTER

WE ALL HAVE 6 WAYS OF STRUCTURING

TIME - HOW MUCH DO WE SHARE ?

COLLECTING "TRADING STAMPS" - TO BE

"CASHED IN" LATER ON

KICK-ME GAME - THE SET-UP - NAIVELY

LOOKING FOR APPROVAL

KICK-ME GAME - THE KICK - DELIVERING

THE SELF-RIGHTEOUS KICK

KICK-ME GAME - THE PUNT-RETURN DELIVERING THE FULL FORCE RETURN

DRAMA TRIANGLE - THE DRAMA OF THE

INITIAL ENGAGEMENT

DRAMA TRIANGLE - THE

DRAMA OF THE SWITCH

CHILDREN LEARN BY
EXAMPLE AND PRACTICE

WE DISPLAY SWEATSHIRTS
WITH A SLOGAN ON THEM

WE DISPLAY SWEATSHIRTS WITH A

SLOGAN ON THEM - AND THEY
CHANGE !

WE ALL HAVE A PRINCE / PRINCESS INSIDE

- LEARN TO SET IT FREE !