Tales of An Angel

Wednesday, June 14, 2006
An Angel's Memoirs Through the Eyez of Her Prince....... I Jolyn DeSilvis

Current mood: peaceful
Category: Romance and Relationships
Like that, she was gone. A shadow, a whisper, Breathless. She became what was always known
to her, an Angel. She finally used her wings. How it happened is still a mystery. Will I ever know? Will I
ever accept that my Princess will never again reign on her Kingdom? Can I rise from her soul and
become me? What is my destiny? Has the story of my life ended, or has it begun? I am lost. Lost in the
consequence of Love. Never again can I fathom having a Soul like hers. She was a free spirit, and her
Beauty, with a glance, would have turned 10,000 ships. Easily!!!...
The magnificence of saying her name is enchanting. But, funny thing is, I did not even know her
name when our souls touched. It was just slightly, but it was exciting. The first time I saw her I could not
control my eyes. They were supplanted on this body that just seemed heavenly. Like the sunrise, her
beauty rose and radiated amongst the shadows. It was blinding. It was magical. I told my friends that
this girl is it. My ..1. I proclaimed to my Brethren that this girl could have my kids. I claimed her as my
future wife. All this from one fragment of a chance sighting. That was almost a year ago. I would be
entirely enthralled if I got a glimpse of her during my day. She was amazing. Her beauty was from every
angle. However, wherever, whenever you set your eyes upon her, the same conclusion, a Goddess.
Could she be real?....... She walked with an aura of confidence and professionalism. Intimidating. One
thing that immediately drew my attention after the initial shock of her completeness, the first time I saw
my dream, was her tattoo on her ankle. I wondered?... I realized that she was displaying something dear
to her, something that kind of gave me a small feeling that there was some hope. I did not quite know
then why I was drawn to her art, but I thought there will be an explanation. It kind of made her Mortal.
I did not know much about her. All I rendered was that she was a "Dream Girl", a girl that would
change and even become my World. Maybe even my Universe. It was definitely too early to tell. A
glitch?...There were so many questions. What was her Story?... Was I too late? Was it the right place, but
the wrong time? Would I be caught in the middle of a masquerade with her? But like I said, our souls
touched from the outset. So there was hope. There was a chance to have just a little piece of this
Juggernaut. When would that be? When could I build enough strength to see where her head was at?
That time would come. Hopefully...
So each day went by, and I thought of her. Nothing erotic, but a relationship where I just wanted
to be with her, hold her, comfort her, be her. I just got out of a 7 year struggle. A relationship where I
never felt the love connection that I knew could exist with my Angel. So there I was. Plotting, waiting
for an opportunity to catch the girl of my dreams. She would have been the pinnacle. The summit on top
of my World. The idea of her was too far fetched to plan, it would just happen. I was not consumed by it,
but it could have swallowed me at any instant.
I would have to throw her some game though, lol, but a woman like that needs the entire arsenal.
Every fiber of my being would have to be usurped by her. I told my best friend, Classic, "I dont have a
chance." He said, "All you need is a piece. We are different. Once you have that piece, that opening,
anyone would see the good in you." I was like, "yeah right!" He said, "They are just girls, they just need
to be loved." With that in my back pocket and my dimple, flow, swagger, knowledge, and confidence as
my first barrage of attacks, I had a glimmer of hope. Something that could spring me towards Placidity. I
declared War, and She was the Prize....
Thursday, June 15, 2006
II Jolyn DeSilvis
Current mood: lonely
I awoke from my dream, I can not really remember them, but sometimes I get a flash of a picture
of what my mind thinks about when I am sleeping. My Love, She was a dream, a dream of pure bliss
and simplicity. A dream that I was actually a part of. My Dream...Reality... I immediately reached for my
phone to learn of the time that I became conscious to live my dream. It was spell bounding. It was a
pleasure to know that I had my Princess. It was remarkable to wake up in a bed, shared by Her Majesty.
It did not matter where we slept, just to feel her body, to feel her heartbeat drizzle on to my body, was
ecstasy. Her body, I told her was, Creamy! Many elements of her were Creamy but her skin was
delicious, a blend of pure pink flesh and golden layers of sunlight. It was tantalizing. To touch her skin
was like cotton candy. So sweet, so delicate, so soft. I was Royalty. No question.
Have you seen this girl? Have any of you had the opportunity to experience this? This Being
would make u sweat by saying her name. Something seemed entirely strange this morning. I knew I had
upset her, but it was something minor. She woke me up in the middle of the night and told me she was
going to sleep on the couch. I ignored her advance. I tried to act like I was unconscious as it would not
be worth it to get up from my trance and ruin my reality. She told me five times, "Baby I am sleeping on
the couch!" She continued and said "I can't believe you are not listening to me!" It was something small,
or she would have kicked me off my Throne and onto the streets, with her constituents,without
hesitation. So I played my hand, and closed my eyes and did not give her the attention that she deserved.
I lied there, without wavering. Waiting for her to call my bluff. I could feel just a touch of tension but
none of us were "all in" on this hand. I cared, I wanted to rise and shower her with sweet nothings, but I
decided to dream of my dream instead of confronting it. I admit I was not being the Prince I had
promised. Maybe I said something in my sleep. Maybe I had let loose an exclamation that could have
caused doubt of what I had told her and what I wrote her. Words when sleeping were given a free pass. It
was a treaty that we both agreed on. It was hard to ignore sometimes. We knew that when are asleep,
words that come out have no meaning. We just had to get used to this. Used to this idea of eternal love.
She still was safe; she was still in close proximity. She still was in our Kingdom. She slept off her anger,
alone.
Monday, June 19, 2006
III Jolyn DeSilvis
Current mood: anxious
It was a dreary, rainy day at Hokie Communications. Some of my close friends would find the
humor in that. I will refrain from using the exact name of this dungeon. I should have known that since
my place of employment shared the same moniker of something that I dreaded, I would later regret
working there. Lol, you all know what I am talking about. I still remember that day as clear as I can
recall the initial instant that our souls sought out each other. But this day was groundbreaking. A day
where there was something serious that was going to be established through the dark, rainy
cumulonimbus clouds and pounding thunder. For a moment, the cirrus clouds danced in, white and
wispy, like mirages of Angels Breath. There I stood. For the first time in front of my daunting journey, I
hoped I was ready to embark. I was finally breathing the same air as her. I inhaled the radiance of her
bouquet, her body. I could almost taste her, touch her supple skin. What was I to do?
I made a Declaration to my boys that I would be done if I had her. If I was fortunate enough to be
with something so unique, no other girl would have a chance. She crushed her competition. It is not like
there were any worthy competitors at the moment. She would have been it. I would have retired from the
game of love. But, to me, from what I knew about her up to that point, she was Heavenly. This, from
seeing her walk by, maybe 20 times in the two months I had been there. I did not keep count. I did not
need to. She would always come back. Never once taking my sight off of her strikingly angelic face. I
understood her silhouette but never had I studied her entire body as I was still fixated on her smile. I was
still trying to figure out how someone so beautiful could be in the same space as I. How could a face for
the ages be hidden from me for so long? Never have I seen such splendor. And you know what? I saw
her take mental snapshots of me as she whisked by so wondrously, so helplessly. I felt that from the first
sighting. They were just little snippets of grandeur that we both could have conjured to be wonderful.
There would be no reason to waste my soul on any other endeavor. She could have every piece of me.
Without any hesitation. I could not possibly exclaim that she would be my exclusive and do nothing. I
had to build up enough courage to say something to this exemplary model of serenity. What was I to
say? Would I even let her catch me focusing on her out of the corners of my eyes? Or would I be
overcome by my nervousness and retreat?
I had to remind myself that I declared War. I could not take my eyez off of the prize. I had to
keep on taking mental pictures and entertain the idea that she was doing the same. I still knew hardly
anything about my Angel. All I knew was her skyline, her features, and I wanted to be her horizon. Back
to the standoff... I had my back up with me, my boy, Digital. As soon as we stepped out the door, I felt
her presence. What a surprise! There she was. Whew!! How amazing she looked. She was wearing a
tight T and dark jeans. Her hair blonde long and curly. Separated to the side as she would often do. She
was standing on heels. Balancing her act. I was aghast. For a moment, I could not gather my thoughts.
That is unlike me. I am always thinking. My brain is always in constant motion, creating connotations of
every scenario possible in any given moment. Blank... Blank...nothing... I was not myself. I tried to
force some other emotion other than the bliss I felt from her standing there, so statuesque. I came up
empty. I had to focus. I tried to shake off the shock and be on point, as that is how I am. Never wavering.
I needed to stay fast and explore my new discovery.
She was with a companion also. I had no clue who she was, but I could tell they were friends as
they were laughing. It was sweet music to hear her voice. Such flow, so comforting, so relaxing. That
was not enough. She had to say something to me. I thought that those two had to be close. Or maybe she
was just that type of person? Always cheerful, always smiling. Could it be? Could someone be so
lavishly beautiful, but yet still giggle like a little child? Was her personality so warm that Joy would be
an everlasting feeling that everyone enjoyed when they were in her presence? So many unanswered
questions. Still no answers, but I finally regained all my senses, together and in order.I needed
everything to go into battle, without that, it would have been a risky advance. I just had to be myself.
There was definitely nothing wrong with that. And that constant scroll, "they are just girls, they just need
to be loved" and "all you need is a piece, an opening," was ever apparent in my mind.
So there we were, I gave Digital a slight grin, and he returned with a smile and a glance in her
direction. He knew that my Angel was inches from me. We were so close to each other due to the
resilient rain which caused the smokers to huddle under a small covering on my side of the building. The
tumultuous weather was my ally, maybe even hers. It allowed the chances of a chance meeting more
likely. I had to initiate some type of contact. Some sort of incident that would plant my seed deeper into
her mind. I needed to put myself out there so she could at least remember me the next time we were
together in such close quarters. I wanted my piece. I wanted it now. Not to take this opportunity would
be ludicrous. Would I wait for another chance meeting or would I take it now and say something that
would sweep her off of her feet?
I did neither. I decided on another tactical move. I waited for an opportunity to let my presence
be known. She was right there. Right there for the taking. So many thoughts ran through my head. Did I
smell ok? Was I dressed to impress? Was I smoking my cigarette cool enough? Would I bitch out and say
nothing? No, I was on a mission. So I tried to stay calm. My heart already melting from her radiance. It
pounded feverously from not only my butterflies but from the nicotine. Suddenly all my senses were
magnified. She emitted a scent of completeness. Her being flirted with the stars and moon. If only I
could touch I thought. Wow, that is a big step, I have yet to utter a vowel or even a consonant and I am
thinking of caressing her creamy skin. What gibberish, lol, so I had to step up my game. I could no
longer wonder what her voice sounded like when directed in my direction. Her tenor was something I
needed to hear. That was something that could be accomplished that day. One sense could be tickled
though. I could listen to her. That gave me more incentive. I could not be physical with her, but I could
be an audience for her overture, her voice. I needed to hear her say something to me. All this and more
occurred within ten seconds. This should give everyone a clue on how intricate my thoughts are. They
are everywhere, running rampant in an organized chaos that would seem like anarchy. I am especially
enamored enough to be able to sort it out and bring stability to my ability. If I could not accomplish this
feat, I would be lost. My name translates to gift from God, and his gift to me was this power. I had to use
it to my advantage.
She had yet to light her cigarette, and I had already lived a lifetime with her from her presence.
Pure craziness. Something special was there though. Honestly, I cannot stress this enough, from the first
time our eyez met, there was a connection. I had no concrete facts that could uphold my conclusion at
the time. It was felt. Felt on another level. A level that is only scaled scarcely in ones lifetime. Some
people never even get that high. I do not pity them though. The pain could be just as great as the good
when navigating such a surreal height. I was not scared by it. I was humbled. But I knew what I wanted.
That would never change. Nothing could stop me.
Along with the rain, came a cold front that was pretty chilly. The season was the beginning of
autumn. The air was cool and crisp. Football was kicking off. The colors of the foliage were about to
turn to my favorite colors. Orange and Maroon. Hey, I wonder why? "Lets Go HOKIES!" I had to throw
that in there, sorry. It was the perfect time of the year and the perfect looking girl was literally 7 inches
from me. How special is that? I definitely thought it was. Even though it was just a chance meeting,
maybe fate had brought us there. Who knew at the time? The climate was chilly enough to see your
breath linger in the air like tiny puffs of smoke. You cant stop a smoker, we are resilient. We will smoke
in any environment.
As she begins to light her cigarette she starts to cough. Three or four, forceful coughs. And the
cool air began rolling from her mouth. You could see her breath in the atmosphere. It was like smoke.
That split second, I made my move. Without thinking, I said something to her. Wow! I had finally grew
some balls and talked to her. Did I just do that? Did I just infiltrate her territory? Did I just interrupt her
conversation? Was that rude? I did not think so, I just let it loose. And with that murmur, I felt like I was
in control. Her spell that always left me breathless was lifted temporarily. I spoke. My first words to her
were, "Looks like you should quit smoking, you have not even lit your cigarette and smoke is already
belting out." With that volley of words, it truly began.
Did she hear me? Would she return my volley? Would she ignore me? Or would she find my
little quote amusing? I waited for what seemed like forever for some sort of response. So much was
riding on her reaction. From something that might seem meaningless to others, her impression of me,
from my first words, had to be superior. It came quick. Instead of smoke bellowing, laughter chimed in.
Whew!!!... I just made her laugh. I had an effect on her. It was genuine. It was true, what I believed from
the outset. She was a cheerful person, a being that enjoyed good humor. Hopefully my humor. After
hearing her precocious happiness, would there be more? Would she say something to me?
Her lips began to move. She said, 'Thats funny!" and with more laughter she looked at the fake
smoke coming out and said, "maybe I should.' She continued, "that's messed up." Followed by more
laughter. She lit her cigarette and smoked away with a grin on her face. My goodness, how surreal it was
to hear her talk to me. On top of that I made her laugh. Digital and her friend also thought it was
something hilarious. I am sure Digital would have laughed at anything I said as he knew what was at
stake. Finally a minor flash of what I was capable of. With her Joy, I knew then, at that moment, she
liked to be happy and she loved to laugh. Who doesnt? But guess what? I am a pretty funny guy,
sometimes brutal humor, but hilarious if you understand it. This day would stay with me. No matter how
this would turn out, I made her smile. I made her laugh. I made her pay attention to me. That, in itself
was a vicktory. Yes, I spell victory with a K. Get it? Vick/ Tory. Michael Vick. Oh well.
The four of us continued to comment on my gesture. It was fun. Even though it was a subject
that was so deadly. It made us all giggle. I just was being myself. Funny as shit but with an edge. And to
see that smile, up close and personal, was a gift. Her first gift to me. So intoxicating that was. To see a
smile so genuine, so bright, so real. Her smile was a drug, just enough. It was impressive. And you know
what else? She saw mine. I also had the chance to unleash a powerful weapon. I got to flash my dimple.
This dimple has always been nuclear. I could not help it. She made me smile.
I did it. I planted my seed. Now all I had to do was be patient. Nurture it. Allow it time to grow.
Let Nature take her course. Build on this VickTory. This was just a taste. I knew what I was capable of. I
needed more. I am selfish. I wanted that smile everyday. To make her laugh again and again would give
me my happiness, my laughter. There was more work to be done. Questions to be answered. Souls
needed to be intertwined on higher levels of engagement. Time would tell. Time....
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
IV Jolyn DeSilvis
Current mood: confused
I looked at my phone, anxiously awaiting to continue my role as her Prince.What time was it?
Hoping that I did not oversleep and be, once again, tardy to my employer. I focused on the screen. It
said1 new voicemail message. I wondered from whom? Was it my grimy boss enquiring on my
whereabouts? Or was it my Princess beckoning me to wake up and answer the phone? Maybe it was one
of my techs calling to say they were sick? I wondered?
I was completely exhausted. We had finally passed out together, on our brand new Serta
mattress, at around 3:00 am. I remember the day we picked it out. I always wanted to do that. It was a
miniature fantasy to me. To walk into a mattress depot, with the girl of my dreams on my arm, and test
them out. I was on top of the world. No one could deny that. Nobody. You should have seen the look on
the face of the salesman when he saw us. He was like damn, your girl is a beast. And I knew it. We were
like little kids. Going from station to station, lying next to each other, testing the firmness, re-coil of the
springs and all the other factors involved with selecting the cradle that would support us until we got a
big enough place for a king size. All this encouraged by the salesman. She wanted a queen, as she did
not want to take up the space in the bedroom. So we went at it, until we discovered our cloud. A cloud
that would rumble with Thunder and moisture.We saw it. We both agreed, perfect. We envisioned a
future on that bed. Right there in the showroom, we were on it, side by side, and we both told each other,
"this is it, this is the one." There was no need to go any further. Fantasy fulfilled. That was remarkable.
She gave me one of my fantasies with out even knowing. That would happen a lot. She even managed to
work out a deal.
Who would not want to negotiate with her? Anyone would do anything to increase the time she
was in their view, face to face with an Angel. I take that back, there were some that...well never mind,
that is for a different time. The salesman explained that it was a floor model so we got it for a lot less.
And guess what. It would be ready to be delivered on the move in date. Perfect, but wait, he had more
surprises. Free sheets! Free sheets you ask? Yes, they were, he threw them in just because we looked so
damn hot and he knew we would need sheets for the new mattress. Good sheets, something special
about them he said. She knew about these sheets and was ecstatic to get them, for free no less. Lol... But
yes, that was not it. A couple days later, he called and explained since there was a small stain on our
floor model, he would give us a brand new one. One that had never felt flesh. That mattress was not
ready. With the free sheets and fresh look, it was definitely ill prepared for our appetite.
To go to sleep so late was customary. We always tried to spend every waking second together.
We knew the consequences of living such an active lifestyle, but the pleasure certainly outweighed the
pain. The scales always tipped to Love. Always. We were in training. We wanted to be experts in the
trade of Love. Technicians of affection. We knew we were far from our peak. We did not even think
about it though. We just did what came natural. No additives, no artificial elements. Just Love, just
ourselves, doing what we do. We were one. But that morning was different.
Remember, things were not quite right. I was awaken in the middle of the night. She later slept
alone on the couch.She wanted to confront me about something that concerned our courtship. I still did
not know what caused such an outburst. It could not have been that hazardous. Yet, I was terrified that
maybe I had lost ground on my pursuit to make us a premiere couple. I could make it up to her. I was
still in her Realm. Still lying in our home. Still had her heart and she knew mine was hers,
unconditionally. But, it bothered me. I did not remember her saying good bye, or kissing me before she
left. That was the norm for almost amonth. Like her beauty, it was clockwork, we always said good bye
and touched lips every time we knew we would not be in each others reach for more than a few
minutes.Never deviating from this schedule. Never. I had to secure our pact. I had to make sure, without
any doubt, that the Love we emitted, was still emanating at this increasing pace. A pace that we could
not control or even bothered to. I felt a small interruption in our fascination with each other. It could be
repaired, no problemo. I just needed to know what it was that made her want to dream without her
dream maker straddled beside her body.
The time was 8:58 AM. The beginning of a day that would live in our Infamy.
Friday, June 23, 2006

V Jolyn DeSilvis
Current mood: enraged
It has been 45 days since she found her way home to eternal happiness. It seems like I just gave
her a kiss. Her taste is forever lingering on my lips. That feeling will never leave me. Everything
reminds me of her. I look at the world differently now. It is like I have to view my environment from two
sets of eyes, our eyes. I know that everything will never be the same, including me. I have been
transformed. I dont know quite yet, what my role is, but I deeply believe it is something that I will
cherish. As I did her. I was honored to be hers. I still am. No matter how many people try to destroy or
demean the distinct devotion we had for ourselves. I say to you demons, "if only you truly understood
her soul, your souls would be free."
That is all I will divulge to you. That is the only acknowledgement you will get from me. I will
let you swim in your suffering just a little longer, thinking your secrets are safe. You know who you are.
You know what you destroyed. And what you think you will rebuild with, will be a lie. It will be an
injustice as long as I am here. I will shock and awe you as I cripple anything that you think is happiness.
You took away my Joy. The World will know that you took away her World, my World, our World. I will
make you come from behind those sunglasses that you hide behind like a Jackal. So you will see the
light that you have dimmed forever. I will leave you with that as you try to tread in the ocean of demise
that you created. You will drown, you will choke. You will hear your breath cease. Your lungs will fill
with your soul, and you will no longer exist in our Realm. Well, you never did, but you will deteriorate
in front of the World. In front of my Angel, in front of Her Children. Everyone will see. Everyone will
feel the pain you have caused. It has already commenced. It began the day you were born.
As I sit, I hear the Heavens. The glorious Thunder rumbles as the rain pours. It is uncanny as
beams of sunlight still can be seen. It is a beautiful day. Like I said, the storms were our collaborator in
our conscious. We befriended it. It was our ally in our engagement. The day after her service, there was
a whirlwind of thunderous weather that came down for 7 days. For 7 days it rained and whistled. With
golden rays of sunlight breaking through. Whispering its anger, pouring its Love on to everyone, even
our enemies. It was felt. It has to be consumed not said. Words spoken can be given a free pass. Aura
and emotions are binding, they do not lie. As you will see, Mother Nature was our friend.
With the rain, come my tears. For 45 days, I have cried. I am not ashamed to say that. I am
privileged to cry for my Angel. I hope it never ceases. I anticipate them. I want these waterfalls of joy
and sorrow to flow with out remorse. My conscious tells me that if I do halt, I have forgotten her or her
soul has left me. My Heart tells me to go on, but never to let go. I just take it as it comes. If I do
discontinue my dispense, it means nothing. She has just given me the strength to stop. Until that point I
will, in no way, impede my intimacy with emotion. I did, however, have a temporary dam that was built
that was in place for 2 days. For two days I did not cry. Amazing, I did not feel upset at all that I did not
cry. She gave me some strength and Classic came home from overseas. I need him, he is my backbone.
He has been there for every instance I have cried in my life. Every time he has been on my side. There to
lift me, there to help me understand, there to be my friend. Just be there. But this time, we were not
prepared. The unthinkable unfolded. He was there though. Every step of my journey. Thank you. You do
not know how much you and your family mean to me.
Never have I cried so much. My entire life of tears could never compare to what I have emptied
in these 45 days. 28 years of tears, could not be the equivalent of one drop for her soul. How can this be?
I have anguished over multiple malignant moments in my time. But this. This shattered my soul into
slivers of sharp blades. So jagged no one can touch them to put it back together. These particles of
broken dreams are so minuscule, if any one gets close enough, they are liable to breathe them in and
destroy it. Never again will I be the same. That is a given. I pray to God, that my Soul resurrects, as One,
and I will be able to enjoy what I once had with my Angel.
Still no word on what happened that night. Questions still unanswered. Investigation still
open.......Still tears to cry.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
VI Jolyn DeSilvis
Current mood: calm
There would be more opportunities to form fantastic fantasies with my flower. To gaze into her
eyes and reach her soul without any obstacles. So serene, so placid to see. Like a symphony of smiles.
Her smile. Her creation. Her separation from others specimens. Her uniqueness that synchronized my
soul with her simplicities. Just her. How was I so lucky? How was I able to reach places that no one has
ever navigated? How could I discover a New World? Her World. No other soul has succumbed to her
serendipity? No one? Amazing. It was so easy. So simple to see her sanctity.
She visited our World for almost 28 years.. She graced us just enough to confirm that there is a
Heaven. There is a place where every element was elaborate ecstasy. Uncontrollable passion that
overcame ones entire existence. All one had to do was Love her. How simple, how miniscule, how
effortless to enjoy this Palace. To live! To find futility in the foliage of our future. A fertile fantasy that
had no boundary. It was free, as we were free. Nothing to barter but our Beings. Ourselves. No other,
just us. We could trade me for her and vice versa and still have the same value. One. One Soul, one
being, one beginning. No end.
We told each other that our relationship would get better. With every beat of our Heart, with
every kiss, with every "I Love You", with every touch, we had become prisoners of our passion for one
another. It still is there. She is still One with me. No one can take that away. People may snicker at my
story, but it is the truth. Why would one continue to live a lie? Why would anyone want to believe this
did not exist? The worst has happened, but yet, there are some that fail to accept that they were not
innocent towards her innocence. At this very moment, they refuse to recant what affect they had on this
tender soul. And they will continue to rejoice this notion. Remarkable! No remorse, no acceptance....
Just being themselves.
If only she knew what has occurred since that day. She would be infuriated. Her eyes would not
be able to withstand the wretchedness. She would have handled it though; she would have made sure
that everyone was in there proper place in her Palace. Her reckoning was smothering. She would have
gotten her way. She would have tattled the truth, in time. That time never came though. Only a select
few knew of our engagement. Our connection. Our happiness. It would have only been a matter of time
before we exploded onto the scene. There would be no way to shelter yourself from it. Gradually it
unfolded.
She has been betrayed by some of her best friends. People that she confided in and thought she
trusted. People who knew that her situation at home could not be repaired. These people knew this for
years. Now they sit in their denial and call her a liar, call her crazy, call her a bad wife. How futile is
that. Just because she is not here to defend her deposition, does not give these people the right to judge
her. No one has the right to do that. But yet, they still do. Maybe it is jealousy? Maybe greed? I know
what it is, selfishness. They find it entirely too hard to believe that she could have fell in Love with
another. They feel that they were so good to her that she could not find a soul that would bring her true
happiness.
It was obvious that it was not at home. She moved out. She left that abyss. That constant tirade
that was ever present at that Lair. It was gone. She was so elated to be free from her fantasy that never
came true at home. That Albatross was gone. No more yelling, no more crying. No crying by her, but
from him, it was whirlwind of constant whining. In front of Angels. She did not deserve this. Her little
ones definitely could not be raised in such a hostile environment. There was no Love there. So she left.
She packed her bags and walked away. All this was planned out before I was in the picture. It was a
forgone conclusion. She was leaving. Never to return to the dungeon. But they want to believe she was
just taking a break, that we did not have a loving partnership. I laugh at them. I ask, do you remember
how you first felt when you met your husband or wife? That is what we had. Maybe even more. We
were on another level. It was not your typical bond. It was Magic.
Monday, June 26, 2006
VII Jolyn DeSilvis
Current mood: optimistic
So what was her story? So how did she come to this point? That exact moment I initially set my
eyes on her. Where had she been? Where was she now? Was she involved with someone? Was she
Happy? Again more questions. Such confusion, but such splendor if she smiled. If she smiled at me.
So scintillating if it was directed at me. I already got her to acknowledge my humor, but to receive a
smile would be another milestone in My March to Her Majesty.
I was up for it. Piece of cake. They are just girls, all you can do is love them. O.K. Thanks
Classic. What advice. In my mind, it was simple enough. After looking at her, it was unachievable.
Seriously. I would laugh at the notion. I really could not fantasize about her as it would be worthless as
she could never be attained. If any of you all have met her, just once, you might be able to fathom the
true extent of her beauty. So intimidating. So statuesque. This girl could move moons and leap light
years. She was with out a doubt Heavenly. She was a Dancing Star, never falling. And she was my
wish. But hey, lol, it was worth a shot. I saw her open up to me, so gentle, so inconspicuous, and so sly.
It would happen in such short spurts I could not possibly throw myself on her based on that. Not my
style. And I still only knew that she was employed at the same office as I. She would walk by a few
times a week, maybe a sighting three times in one day. That would be wicked.
Daily I would hope to see her and ask myself: What was she wearing? How tall is she really?
Age? How was her hair done? Ridiculous renditions of an unrehearsed ranting that I needed answers
to. Soon I told myself. But not now. I only had been employed there for two months. I had to learn my
new livelihood. Not only was I new to my job, I was single. Fresh off a 7 year relationship. I could not
devote too much of my mind on her. It was there though. My fervor for her would filter out, just
enough to let her know I was there. Just enough to reach her. To penetrate her Aura. Tickle her
seemingly sensuous Teflon skin. She looked as if she would just shake off guys like me who found her
as a Fantasy. I promise you, ask anybody that has met her, man or woman, and they will come to same
conclusion as I. A Goddess. No doubt. My Fantasy was much different. Another level. Levels I knew
we could scale together if given a chance, an opening, a piece.......
I would have done anything to get that piece. I had to concentrate on myself first. I was single
and was starting a new career after a 7 year stint at a huge conglomerate. Now I was at small
communications company the serviced customers up all the way up to New York.
I would be
responsible for providing internet support to them. Also other aspects and services that I would have to
learn quickly so I could advance myself. I had to learn everything from IT applications such as e-mail,
domain hosting, blacklists to simple 56k dial-up. So much knowledge to learn. I had to contemplate my
future. I had no time to push up to my Angel. Not in the beginning.
I was a bachelor. I just wanted to hang out and be myself. I was not myself for 7 years. I was
stuck in a relationship that just did not seem like Love. So I was going to build my resume and live the
single life. It was a ball. To have no one to answer to. Do as I pleased. Such freedom. I certainly
could not bring it to her like I wanted to. I was a tier one tech. Level one in my department. What
could I give her with that?
The way she carried herself, the way she portrayed herself, was in the upper echelon of intense
beauty. Looking at her was like reading Scriptures from the Book of Love. I had nothing to give but
myself. I had no equity, no nest egg, just me. My words would do more than money ever could. I had
to center my attention on my future so I had some collateral to invest in her stock. Not just her but
anyone. However, she would be the Summit. After my last relationship, I did not have the desire to
commit to anyone. But my Angel, if I could be hers, she would have had every piece of me. I have
never given that to anyone. Not one soul has experienced the real Akoni. But was my soul prepared for
her? I would have to wait. I had to get myself straight first, and then I could get back in to the dating
game. My plan was to work my ass of until the New Year. January 1, 2006 was my coming out party.
That was 5 months away. Plenty of time to prepare myself for my anointment. I would be someones
Prince. Optimistically hers.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
VIII Jolyn DeSilvis
Current mood: refreshed
So here I am. I am here in pieces. Yet, I do not know how I ended up crushed into particles of a
lost soul. There is not one person that can honestly feel the same as I do. Sure there are more horrific
atrocities that have attacked other nave people. Concerning my Angel, no one, other than her direct
family, her upbringing and her seeds, feel my fall. No other man can attest to my affliction. Maybe on
paper, maybe in a last name, one could contest her ownership. That was it though. She had no owner.
No one to submit herself to, except her children. No need to control such a free spirit. That was her
thing. A big thing. She once said, "I don't want someone to be controling, but not let me walk all over
him." I took a mental note. She could not possibly be with someone that would just lay down for her.
She wanted someone to stand up and be a Man. A Man that could fulfill her needs but yet take a stance
without dishonoring her. She needed someone that could provide that product. She aspired to just be
herself. Just be an Angel. She sought to find that balance between being treated like a Princess and in
turn have that person exalt his expressions without fear. She loved the thought that she did not need to
change me. I gave her that. I was myself.
Every previous relationship or hope for one, each instance, I learned. I compiled every situation
and applied it to my Dream. Everything. I thought of how I could just be a better partner. That Love is
something that is free, limitless. It could not be contained, only consumed by the Heart. We were in
Love long before we said it. She knew it, she wanted it. She fell for me long before our bodies touched.
It came from my arsenal. I used one of my most potent weapons. It is my ability to convey my
thoughts, my dreams, into words. Sentences and phrases that gave her a reason to put herself out there
in the open. With no protection.. She put it all on the table and tested my tenacity. From the first day I
wrote her, I captivated her with my dictation. She was finally my audience. The roles were reversed.
Another spell that she had over me was reflected back onto her. Finally, I had her wanting me, wanting
more. I was ferocious in my approach. She could not resist my tantalizing tales of the truth. How I felt
about her, how I could handle her, how she was not ready for all of me. It was pure pleasure to penetrate
her hustle with my flow. She gave me thoughts of such purity I could express thoughts or descriptions I
have never had as a destiny. It could not be controlled, nor could her true feelings about me. It was
wondrous.
So here I sit, with a lifetime to sift my sensory sanctity. There is so much to ponder, so much to
remember. So much to piece together. So many obstacles to hurdle. I will always have her Heart. That
will never leave me as I live my fate. I have become aware that I must be me. I know there is
something special in life. I will live it to the fullest as she did. A Kingdom of Hearts that she embraced.
As my life filters through this dimension of demise, I have seen elements of my past. Just the other day
I had a chance meeting with someone from my youth. A girl that was my first love. Weird. Yes, very.
In the past 7 months I have seen all 3 girls that I could say that I Loved. My Big Three. These
girls are me. It is peculiar to have that happen. Especially to see my first real Love. I will call her
Elizabeth. I was in Shokoe Slip, in Richmond, VA last Wednesday. I was out carousing with my boy
Deets. You know? Drinks and just to enjoy that piece of life. To just relax and be in good company.
Also to take a peak at the local ladies. To look is in no way disrespectful to my Angel, she allowed it.
That was something that was special about her. She was so comfortable with herself, that she knew that
she was all I ever dreamed of and that no other girl could compare to what she provided me. The thing
is I had no desire to look at any other, none. Just to gaze upon her was sufficient. Sometimes even too
much.
We were causing a ruckus in Luckys. The norm for us rascals. Talk crap, see the scenery. Then
all of a sudden I see this sassy brunette. I told Deets, "She is alright." Not bad I told myself, but of
course nothing like my Angel. I have yet to meet a damsel as distinctly delightful as my Princess. That
is a fact and I have a feeling that there is none like her, no where. I am just delighted that I did
experience her ecstasy. So I move in closer to see what she was working with. Shockingly she looked
familiar. So odd? I just lost my Love of a Lifetime and now I see my first. Wow! I had to be sure. I
grabbed Deets and asked him to find out her name. I had to be sure this was not an illusion. Before he
could react I walked over placed my hand on the small of her back and called her name and said, "Hey
do you remember me?" She instantly threw her arms around me and released my name. How incredible
to feel, once again, the touch I had lost 10 years previous. Whew!... It has been 10 years since I last saw
her, touched her, and held her. It was a moment where memories of us flashed before my eyes. In the
back of my mind, I thought, this will never happen with my Angel. I could wait for eternity and still will
not be able to feel my Baby's touch. Smell her skin, hear her overture, and drown in her cream.
I had life in front of me. Another lifetime, ages ago, but still, in my presence. Never would I
have thought I would see Elizabeth again. But so soon after my Angel went back to her home in
Heaven, was a pleasant surprise. She was the first girl that I actually touched souls with. She also was
the first person to break my Heart. It was so inconceivable, especially since my Heart had recently been
dismantled, to see her. It was a breath of fresh air. A sign that no matter how significant the loss, there
is still life. It was grand to know that she was alright. Elizabeth was many firsts, she also was my first
sexual experience. My first encounter with a woman.
We talked the rest of the night, for hours. Catching up on each others lives. Like old times, we
laughed and joked. She is a good girl. It seemed as though we just were together. Just in each others
arms. She looked the same. Thin and tender. Such a sweet personality. I did not want to ruin our
impromptu reunion but I unveiled my atrocity. She was concerned, I could see it in her eyes. She made
sure I was alright, but she knows me so well. She could tell by my actions and reactions that I was hurt,
but she knew that I would make it through this. She knows my will is strong but sensitive. She supports
me. She always has. We were just novices in the notion of Love. We were just young. My experience
with Elizabeth facilitated my need to expand my expertise in courtship. I owe her.
Friday, June 30, 2006

X Jolyn DeSilvis
Current mood: hopeful
Soon after I had my first opportunity to see my Miracle up close and personal, I received great
news. That day I made her laugh. That day I left my impression on her. The day I opened up just a
little to something that I though could turn big. The day she finally spoke to me. I asked her if she could
remember that fateful day. She had to think about it but she could recall that she already knew who I
was before that. I could not believe such a tall tale. She could not have possibly have noticed me
previous to our first meeting on that rainy day. She claimed that she did remember a fragment. She
said, "Baby, I knew who you were long before that." She continued her plea, "I thought you were cute!"
She knew, I knew, long before we actually spoke. My seed had already been planted. Some how
making its way to her. It would grow...
I received a promotion. A small step, but it was up. Closer to more knowledge, more growth,
more money...closer to her. I worked extensively hard to rebuild my life after my break-up. I had to
focus on advancing myself, preparing for my future. Have something viable to come at my Angel with.
I had to be more appealing. In time I learned it really did not matter when it came to our Love. She told
me, "Baby, you cant buy Love, you have to feel it, it just happens, like us."
She said this after pondering a gift she received from her Husband for her 28th Birthday. She did
not want to keep it as it might lead him on into thinking that she wanted him back. I told her, keep it.
Give it to your babies when they are older. It was extravagant. A huge diamond tennis bracelet. Bling,
Bling.... She adored her diamonds. Mostly all her diamonds she paid for partially or entirely. She told
me that she had to pay the down payment for her engagement ring.
Understandable under the
circumstances of her Marriage. She removed it, for everyone to see her bare ring finger, a month before
she left our Realm. We joked about it. She e-mailed one day and said that she was going to make an
earring out of it for me. Lol....that was her personality. She could laugh at anything. No matter how
bad the situation, she could find the humor. She was strong enough to handle anything. Anything!
There is no doubt in my mind that whatever life threw her she would knock it out of the park.
She would have done anything to preserve her reputation but her Children always came first. Over her
job, me, family, friends, even herself. She would have used everything in her power to make sure the
welfare of her kids was wealthy. Filled with joy, laughter, love and discipline. None of that was at all
apparent at home. She found that with me. That is why she wanted to make me a Crown out of
something that was meaningless to her, the symbol of her failed marriage, her engagement ring. We
later talked about it and we decided that we should keep it intact for one of her babies. That was her
deal. She had evolved. Nothing would have given her more merriment than to say to her husband,
"Well, I made an earring for my Prince, out of your worthless rock, now it is a flawless fantasy that we
live together!"
Forever thinking of the little girls, it would be better served for one of them to have and decide
on their own if it meant something to them. As it no longer had meaning to her. She did not Love him.
When she looked at him, she did not see her Prince. She said, "I only love that he is a good father to my
children." She never loved him. She tried to, but it never became a reality. She told me she thought he
would change and love would evolve. It never did. She never once loved him like he thought. She
might have told him she loved him, but only as the father to her babies. Nothing else. She finally
recognized this soon after her wedding, maybe even before. She was a little upset that she hurt him, but
it did not bother her. A failed relationship. To feel a little pain as she felt that his heart was broken was
in her nature. She despised him, yet she did not want to hurt anyone. She was a lover and a fighter. She
won that battle.
With my promotion I was one step closer to my Precious.
Still work to be done, more
knowledge to gain, more opportunities to laugh. It would come. Something stupendous was simmering.
The clock was ticking towards the New Year. Still months to go until the day I would stand up, and be
ready to romance.
Monday, July 03, 2006
XI Jolyn DeSilvis
Current mood: amused
It was 859 AM on May 9, 2006. It said so on my phone. 2 days until her 28th Birthday. 2 days
until we would be at the beach to celebrate the Anniversary of an Angel. I had to get up from our cloud
and fall to life. I had to lift myself from the fresh green satin sheets and serenade her smile with my
senses. It was a Tuesday, so after I got off that night, it was the beginning of my weekend. 3 days off
every week. Great shift. 3 days I would have with my Angel, free from everything but the stranglehold
she had on me. To look at her was incarcerating. Never would I want to be free from her. I was her
hostage.
Which leads me to an amusing story. One morning, May 2, 2006, I received my daily wake-up
call from my Baby. It was my first time to be awakened in our apartment. Only our second day there.
The initial instance that I realized that I was in a new home, our home, was intense. All I could do was
smile and sense serenity in our space. It was sure was spacious, our furniture was yet to arrive. Lol....It
was a Tuesday. She always checked in with me as she was already at work. Always concerned for my
well being, she wanted to make sure I was up and just talk about her day thus far. She told me she had
something hilarious to reveal that occurred earlier in the morning that involved her husband and my best
friend Classic. Shocking I thought, what could have happened? If she thought it was funny, I guess it
would not be worrisome.
She began her story. She said she was outside with her husband at work. They were in the
smoking section of our office. A small platform outside the back doors to the building. Then it led
down to a set of about 5 steps that would end on the parking lot. It was covered by a makeshift tarp that
was supposed to provide shelter to all the smokers in the building from the storms. So it would get
suffocating if such an act of God would surface. It was the only designated smoking area, but everyone
smoked wherever they wanted outside. The sign on the door did not even have the correct spelling of
the Company. Only about 10 yards away was this huge red canister that resembled a submarine but the
size of a sedan. It is flammable as the decals indicated. Later I would find out it was the diesel fuel
which powers the back up generators just in case the power went out. Something that would happen
often at work. The designated smoking area was so close to a potential bomb, but again, the resiliency
of a smoker prevails. We are talking a first class operation here, but it was work. I did not mind, I
enjoyed the environment there. My Angel was there. I embellished the opportunity to withstand the
onslaught of such simple flaws in the facility, as she was my fantasy, for real.
The grounds of the office was littered with thousands maybe millions of cigarette butts. Working
for that company made people stressed out. Two heart attack victims in my department in the past 2
years. Trembling the thought of such a terrible career choice, but I strive on pressure. Another gift
bestowed on me is the ability for me to perform under circumstances that would cause others to fold. I
can get excited or even be temperate, but I can provide results. I am a thinker. A student of sacrifice and
reciprocity. Hopefully I could continue this claim. Hopefully....
It was just them outside. She was bored by him. He was entirely too plain for her panache. Too
simple for her soulful style. Cookie cutter. The only compliment she had for him was that he was a nice
guy, in the beginning. The faceless beast would be bestowed on her soon after their marriage at Sandals
in the Caribbean. He did not garner her interest as I did. I allowed her to see. Instead of listening to
listless tirades of lethargic verbal lashings that she tolerated only for her two toddlers, she sought
something sacred. True love. Me.... Words spoken can be given a free pass. Love has to be felt and
consumed by the Heart.
They were standing on top of the stairs of one of the entrances of the building, not having much
of a conversation as he constantly was trying to push his ill-fated will upon her with no avail, ever.
Classic goes outside and walks down the stairwell past them. He has never seen or met her husband. He
was at our office helping out another department. He usually works in another office off Laburnum. At
the time Classic knew the extent our relationship. He knew that we were living with each other. He
knew that I and she were so smitten for each other. She came over to our house several times and I had
not been there in almost 3 weeks. He knew I was with her, and we were entirely happy staying together.
So he says to my Angel, "I see you like to keep people hostage!" Referring to me as I did not stay at my
house since she was told by her husband not to come home. That day was April 18. He basically kicked
her out. She did not care, that was what she wanted. It just came two weeks before our apartment
would be ready to be moved in. It was a blessing.
Wow, right in front of her husband. What Gaul she must have thought. She did not know
whether or not Classic knew who her husband was. She told me she did not get nervous. She thought it
was quite funny. So she just played along, and tried to change the subject when needed be. So she
laughed at Classic and continued the conversation. Not once buckling under the pressure of having her
husband so close to her happiness. She thrived herself on the thought that she had the upper hand with
him, and he knew she did. She had him by the balls. Toying with his tumultuous temper. At that time,
her husband only knew that we all were good friends. She previously told him that she would just come
over to me and Classics house in the West End and me and him would go to the apartment, our
apartment in Mechanicsville and "hang out." So she really did not have anything to worry about. Only if
Classic slipped up and mentioned something that would give our relationship away to her husband. He
knew not to dish out any info, especially in front of a stranger.
So my Angel and my best friend continue their conversation. Ignoring her husband the whole
time. Classic not even knowing that her nemesis was next to them. She told me it was so funny.
Classic at the bottom of the stairs and her up top carrying on a conversation about how much fun she
was having, and not even acknowledging her husband. Loud enough for other employees to over hear.
Lol.... That must have eaten at him. It did actually. He was consumed with the notion that she could not
possibly be
happy and not be a participant in her parade of passion. Classic then asked her if she was
coming with us to the Roots concert at the Cotton Club that Saturday. She said, "He had mentioned it
but he did not say if we are going!" Right in front of her husband. She was having the time of her life.
He could not be rude or say anything stupid in front of Classic as he was a new friend to her so he had to
act as though he was cool with him. As it was obvious if she is hanging out with us, we would know
that their marriage was done. She was my girl. She was happy. Happy to move on.
We could not go to the concert as it was sold out and plus we had the girls the night of the show.
I rather spend time with my new family then go to the concert anyway. Speaking of which, she never
had been to a concert and I did not want to ruin her first concert going experience as she had plans to go
see the "King of the South", T.I. with one of her best friends, Niki, in D.C in June. So it worked out for
the best that we did not go to the Roots.
They laughed and joked for the duration of the time they were all out there. The whole time not
including her husband. Since he was at the bottom of the stairs they had to converse with an increased
volume so the other people out there could hear. Still her husband stood there, without her even once
recognizing him or including him in on the discussion. Exactly what she wanted. Him to disappear
from her personal life. Him only to be there as the father of her babies, nothing else. What a jack ass he
must have felt like. My best friend capturing all of her attention. While all he can do is see her laugh
and smile so eloquently without even a word spoken to him. I laughed when she told me.
It was so entertaining for her as well, but it also would get her husbands mind thinking about
what he had lost. He even told her that he was glad she had nice friends, elated that she was in high
spirits. Supposedly he was happy for her. Yeah right, what an ASSHOLE. She did not buy it. His
actions proved that theory wrong. Just another lie he told her. From that moment forward, he truly
believed that she and Classic were dating each other. He even asked her if they were. She did not lie,
she said no. The days that followed he would do nothing but accuse her, verbally abuse her, and assume
she was involved with Classic among other issues "The Sponge" had with her. We called him that for
obvious reasons. LOL...
I finally rose up from our Serta mattress and checked my voicemail. It was her sweet voice.
Still wondering what bothered her. Still more questions. Still a soul to suture. It was 902 AM.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
XII Jolyn DeSilvis
Current mood: crushed
56 days have elapsed since my World whittled to whispers of her memory. She is no longer here
to taste my delicacy of delightful dictation that demonstrated my desire to be her dream. We spent
countless months, days, dawns, dusks, minutes, and seconds serenading each other with e-mails. Not as
romantic as hand written hieroglyphics, but this is a new age. E-mail is much more sufficient and
efficient. If only she could read what I have left as her legacy from my eyez. I know she would be
proud to pronounce that I have, thus far, eloquently elaborated on her Angelic existence. All of these
words still could not captivate the magnitude of her magnificence. No picture, no story, no man. Not
even me. There are two people that can consummate her splendor. Her chickens, her babies. I miss
them.
Still I cry, still I mourn, still I grieve, and still I smile. I smile because her soul has not left me. I
have something that no one can take away. Something that others desired which was detrimental to our
dream. Still people are living lies. Still people suffer. Still some have yet to apologize for their direct
link to her demise. Still people live with her death. I will live with her life. I celebrate her, not cement
her. They still lie as she lies alone, and I will smile in their faces. I am not ashamed to say that we were
in Love. I challenge anyone to dispute that. Even you, you bastard. You know who you are. If you
believe this Story is false, tell me the truth. But you can't. You still hide behind those sunglasses. Still
ashamed to look people in the eye. Still mortified to face the reality of your sins. Your selfishness. You
COWARD. All u had to do was let her be herself. I will let you live a little longer in your lavishness of
lies. Everyone will be a witness. Everyone will see. I know things that will make you suffer. The
TRUTH. That will come. I promise.
It is hard to live the life that I have to harbor. I have contemplated serious scenarios. I have
looked evil in the eye and still I am here. I do not know how many instances where I felt helpless. To
visit her is vehemently one of the most vicious acts I have had to experience. The first time was
tremendously tough. It was the day of her funeral. We went. We went to go see the tragedy take place
in front of us. From a distance we viewed and prayed for her soul. We watched as people who betrayed
her buried her. Not all that attended was asinine, only a few fit that facet of faceless fantasies that were
false. We observed as she escaped the stranglehold of sinners that survived her time with us. We were
not invited. Not allowed to see my Angel. Off-limits. Barred from being able to say good bye. Bearing
the weight of bastions of benevolence, but our destination was denied. It did not matter.
They can stop me in front of her viewing at the funeral home and tell me "they" do not want me
there. Did they ever ask themselves what she wanted? They could not even accomplish that when she
was here. How could they circum to such as stance now? They did not. If only they new the truth. If
only they understood her Soul, their souls would be free. But they can't. They never could. They only
did what they wanted, never once thinking of her. That is why I am writing this. To reveal the romance
of her reality. To speak of the Truth. That is my only solace in my suffering.
His boss, Ms. Con, waited for me at the entrance to the funeral home to deny me passage to the
last leg of My March to Magnificence, that commenced the first time is saw my Angel. It was almost a
year to the day that my eyez opened just a little more to have her in my sights. The initial instance that I
declared War. It still seems like yesterday. There Ms. Con was, with her arms crossed, and a look of
despair. If she only knew the truth. She only sees his side, lies which lament their locust likeness. They
swarmed around. She was accompanied by my boss, Mr. Tom, or should I call him Uncle Tom as he
was a traitor to her soul. Even though he is white, he still is an Uncle Tom.
We arrived, every soldier that accompanied me to the funeral home knew of our relationship
from the start. She needed as much good as possible there to fight the evil that was in his entourage. It
was a time to celebrate her life, not convey more despair by disallowing me from seeing my Angel.
They took that away from me. I will never forgive them for that. I wanted to see her for one last time.
To see her Wings. To touch her face once more. To give her one last kiss for her passageway into
Heaven. To tell her, "I Love You" one last time to her faade. To look her family in the eye and say,
"You should find comfort in knowing, in the last moments of her life, she finally found someone who
saw her Soul completely. Someone that made her smile, made her completely happy, made her live.
Someone that allowed her to be herself without hesitation or interruption. Something that she never
experienced....unconditional Love!"
That never happened. Still no word on what happened that night. Investigation still open. Still
questions unanswered....
Friday, July 07, 2006
XIII Jolyn DeSilvis
Current mood: envious
Whew! Finally a step in the correct direction. My promotion. It was a small step to "Team
Lead" but I would relish the opportunity to grow within the company. An advancement that only took 2
months. Not to shabby. I had to increase my appeal. I could not possibly have a chance with anyone
with out some progression. I had to prove myself. I thought I hit rock bottom when my previous 7-year
campaign crumbled with my ex-girlfriend.
I concentrated solely on work and friends. Girls would have to wait. I was hungry. An appetite
for it all. My Angel, untouchable. I could look upon her glistening glamour, that gleamed endlessly, but
I was not ready to mingle with her Majesty. Not just yet, but it would come. If not her, someone else
that I could imagine being indefinite with. At that moment in my life, I did not have time to think about
courting Countesses. I lived the old adage, "Work hard! Party Harder!!!" I could not just open up to
just anyone, so I did not bother. If something came my way, then I would analyze the situation.
In my mind, when it came to relationships, I could ascertain exactly what my Ecstasy would be.
I know what I want. I am not out there trying to land a one night stand. Not my style. I like a
challenge. I want to be overcome just by glancing at a woman. There is beauty in everyone. We all are
Heavenly. Some just interpret it differently. I see a lot of beauty in some that others, or the consensus
might not. Sometimes seen, mostly felt. My Angel, just so happened to be a Goddess. Seriously. Some
days I would look at her, and just say to myself, "Whoa, look at her, she has gotta be one of the most
astonishing women I have ever seen!" No doubt, through my eyez, I melted. A replica of Aphrodite. A
Vixen from Venus. Mysteriously a Miracle. It all came back to one thing every instance, she was an
Angel.
I would tell my friends at work this. Every time I saw her walk into our department, I would be
ecstatic. Out of control, but on the down low. All my friends at work knew my intentions. Those who I
could trust, those I considered my true friends and those I could joke around with all were keen on my
sought ought Kingdom. They were not that many of them. Most of my allys at work were friends that I
already had previous to this job. There were 3 that were already lifelong friends. Part of the appeal of
this new career was my Boyz being there. I would have to build other meaningful partnerships. That
would not be a problem. I have always been one to read people. I see the bullshit, I see a lot, and thus I
select my friendships with caution. But I give everyone a chance, and allow those who I accept,
entrance to my domain.
When she walked into my view, I would wait until she would pass by, and stand up from my
cubicle to watch her move effortlessly through the office. The cubes were short so one could have a
clear view from one end of the section to the other. I hoped she would not catch me openly gazing upon
her. I did not care at all if others saw me; some were fixated by her also. I could see though. Without
looking, I could feel. I caught her taking a glimpse out of the corner of her seething eyez. I still could
not conclude, with complete certainty, that she had interest in me from that. I was drawn to her. She
was there.... I promise u, we could feel it. I would tell my friends working at the same time to look at
her and they would return with a smile or motion me to go talk to her. They knew I had an eye for her.
They understood she was my #1. I called her out quick. I was not Ready. Not just yet....
I had to inquire about my new found fantasy. One person that became a good friend was my
direct boss at the time, the man who hired me, R. Moore. Mr. Moore is an interesting individual. When
he was at work and in a crunch, he was a Drill Sergeant, but when we were not busy or off the clock, he
was just a normal guy, a friend. I saw him talking to my Angel on several occasions. He would be my
early source for my information. After she gave him a quick visit, I told him, "Yo, she is some shit! She
is ridiculous, seriously!" He laughed, he said, "Well you are to late buddy, she is married and has kids!!"
Damn!!!....My Heart sunk...
Saturday, July 08, 2006

XIV Jolyn DeSilvis
Current mood: excited
The time was 902 AM. I sat on the bed, and tried to shake off the cobwebs. It takes a few
minutes for me to become totally aware in normal situations. The night before was exhausting, but
fulfilling. Every morning was complete. Except for this one. I had to gather myself so I could see what
happened with my girl. I listened to the voicemail. There was only new message. Her voice gave me
extra incentive to recover quickly and have all my senses to my deposal. She starts of with, "Hey
Baby!" Whew, what a relief, it wasnt, "Hey Asshole, pack your stuff and leave!"
It was the greeting I was used to for months. Whether it was in an e-mail, over the phone,
voicemail, or lying next to me with our eyes fixated on our future, it was always her opening. "Hey
Baby!".... How heavenly it was to hear her voice. She was not using her Happy voice on this occasion.
She was talking to me as if we were amongst people. Her people percussion, not her Angelic Overtures
I had grown accustomed to. Understandable. I caused her, for some reason to sleep with out me and on
the new suede sectional couch from Havertys. Had I done something serious, I am sure that she would
have kicked me out at that very moment or at least made me go sleep on the couch. But I awoke, alone,
on the pillow top all by myself. Just the remnants from her resistance to recline with me. It lingered. It
was the first thing I thought of once I was aware that it was time to arise. I cared so much of what was
happening in our relationship. I was so selfish not to wake up when she jostled me to get up and justify
what I had done. I needed to resolve this and restore our relationship to where it belonged. She
definitely did not deserve to sleep by herself on the couch.
She loved the new furniture. All of it, brand spankin new. One Thursday, it was the 27th of
April, we were doing our favorite date, riding around in the Beamer, listening to music, and just being
high on hope. We talked about furniture previously but never got around to actually looking for some.
So that night we decided to drive down Broad and explore our options. I never realized the staggering
amount of stores selling loads and loads of furniture on Broad St. Discounters, up-scale, even second
hand, they were everywhere. So we had our work cut out for us since we left at an adequate time.
Her Mom gave us some suggestions. One was the Roomstore. Nice furniture at a decent price.
So being the couple that we were, we were always doing things on our time, no one elses time; we arrive
10 minutes before closing. We did not care. With her we did not pay attention to the time. We took
things as they came. Giving each other exclusive rights to our schedule. At any moment she could
beckon me and I would be obliged to be there for her. We were going to walk into this place and drop
some dough. We would take our time, no need to hurry, we were inside. Where ever we went we were
Royalty. We were so wrapped in each other warmth; it would weaken those around us. We were "On
Top of the World." Everything felt meaningless, only ourselves and the girls were our metaphor for our
magnificent masterpiece. It was a dream, our dream, our reality.
We walk through the door and are greeted by an older lady who tried to force a smile as we some
how wrecked her evening as it was so late. She introduced herself and told us if we needed her
assistance we should summon her. We ignored her as we were on a mission. What we needed would
just jump out at us, surprise us with something spectacular. No one could help us with that, so we were
off on our Hunt. We had to find a bed, couches, lamps, mirrors, artifacts, all the essentials when starting
from scratch. An empty abode needed to be decorated to my Damsels standards. It had to be desirable
to her eye for style. She thought of herself as an apprentice to the Art of Interior Design. She even
deciphered my home shared by my roommates. On one of her first occasions of entering my abode, she
inquired on factors such as paint scheme, rug selection, dcor, and other home improvement ingenuities.
She had an eye for any living environment. She liked it. Her intentions for such inquires were
motivated by her being an owner to a brand new home in King William. Her house was tight, I must
admit, but she had let go of that dream long ago.
Our apartment would be better. It was, by far smaller, but the Love that overflowed in our home,
could not be compared to any other. Her kids were there, he wasnt, and I was. What a weight that was
lifted from her delicate shoulders. She even exclaimed, "I can't believe this is happening Baby!!! This
is the going to be the best apartment ever!" With a look on her face like she was one her kids. A smile
so wide, so suffocating, one could only surmise Serenity. This quality shared by her and her babies. It
was unmistaken, that smile, so pure, so placid, and so supple. It glistened with glamour, gleamed with
sparkles of sunshine. She always smiled when we were together, when she was in the company of her
girls, it was there. That smile is seared into the inner depths of my conscious. Constricting my ability to
curate our gallery. Her smile was a work of art, undeniably unique. It was if she fell from the Sistine
Chapel, and used her Wings to touch our souls. With an Orchestra of Eminence, she showed her sorcery
in her smile. She could overcome the masses, but only a few were misconstrued by evil.
We whisked around the corner, hand in hand. There it was. It jumped for us. We both knew it at
the exact time. She clenched my arm and dragged me for a closer look. It was perfect. The Serta would
set in perfectly. It looked like Throne. It was a solid piece that curved and curled at the ends of the end
board and headboard. Perfect. It was the exact color that she needed to match her current bedroom
pieces, which included my favorite. The lingerie dresser. 6 drawers of demure clothing that she
collected. The contents were sacred. A chest of treasures. The only worth was when worn by her. The
wood had to be dark cherry, so dark it was almost black. She was relentless in her pursuit, so we
decided to look around some more but that was definitely the top choice. We saw some couches and
chairs that would do, but nothing that was stunning.
We decided that we would have to continue our Safari the next day. At least we had an idea of
what we wanted our apartment to wear. The entire time we were in there, we did not notice but the same
woman that greeted us was following us. Trying to get us out of the door as we could not possibly be
interested in buying something so late. We were fully prepared to. On the way out she gives us a
ghastly look of despair as she tried to force out, "thank you for stopping by!" When the lady showed her
disgrace, we looked at each other and smirked. Like, WTF, who does she think she is? So my Baby, in
her diva like mentality, shot back at her and said, "Well, we would come back and buy something but
that look you just gave us was rude, so sorry about your luck!" I laughed and looked at the woman as
she shrugged her shoulders and acted if she had nothing to demean our day. She said, "What look?" I
was like, "yeah, u gave us a dirty look, we do not appreciate it!" We both laughed at each other. I place
my hand on the small of her back and led her to her Chariot.
We laughed, and fired-up as we jetted down Broad. That was her deal. She could be a bitch.
She was not afraid to admit it. It was totally accepted by me. To walk in her shoes must have been
exasperating. She was so uniquely beautiful, that there were so many haters. People that tried to
penetrate her soul and destroy it for no reason but jealousy. When in the midst of such a Miracle, one
can feel the pressure she was under. Some people would fold under such pressure. She did her best to
fight the onslaught of people that purposely tried to topple her Reign. Time after time she overcame her
opponents with her Overture and Oracle.
Her message continued with, "you need to get up and get ready, and could you please bring me a
pack of cigarettes that are in the freezer." A place where she said that they would stay fresh. I guess?...
lol. I still was not fully awake at the moment but I knew that things could be fixed. So for some reason,
I dont know why, but I erased the message before it was complete. I had to call her. I had to court my
Princess as she deserved. I had to live. I had to see. I had to hear. I quickly called her desk phone
hoping to get an explanation on what transpired and to repair our relationship. It was 905AM.......
Monday, July 10, 2006

XV Jolyn DeSilvis
Current mood: listless
Today is the 9th. Two months since my Baby went home. The 9th day of each month will
always be held closely to my Heart. It is just a number, but it makes me numb. Oblivious to our
existence. Physically she is no longer here to postulate her Passion. Her memory lives within my soul.
On the 9th, I replay almost every instance we were together. I repeat every edition of our relationship. I
rehearse our Rhapsody that is no longer reality. Of all the dates that I will remember, the 9th is seared
into my senses. No longer will I touch her supple skin, see her scintillating beauty, hear her Angelic
Overture, taste her essence, or smell her soul. Those senses for her are waiting for me in Heaven. Now
all I have is a date with a date of the year, the 9th. It is a memory. I must accept that. I will never let
go. I promise the World that.
The truth hurts but it must be told. Told through the eyez of her Prince. In no way am I trying to
ruin her reputation or hurt feelings. That is not my intention. If one reads my words, one can
understand the Love that she had for life. Her relationship with "The Sponge" was over. I pray to God to
forgive us for our sin. She was not cheating on him, she was cheating the contract. Ask anyone that
knows her. Mother, friends, anyone that was fortunate to get close to her. They will tell you, it was
done years ago. All that had to be completed was the paperwork. The Heavens know the Love we had
for each other was unconditional. That was her home. They needed her return.
She tried her hardest to make her horror at home work. She exerted everything she had in the
relationship for her kids. She regretted being involved with someone so plain and spiteful, but never did
she regret the children that were a result from this poisonous partnership. She was going to sacrifice her
happiness to keep her family intact. It was hard for her. Stuck with a man that could not fulfill her
fantasy, or even her basic needs. She was special, her babies were replicas of her, and they needed extra
care. She had no doubt in her mind that he would try his best to be a good father. He had to be a
husband also. He did not have to do much to retain her, but he could not even accomplish that.
In her mind, part of being a good father is showing that same respect to the woman that bared
your children. This is where he failed miserably. I cannot imagine why he would lack the desire or need
for her to feel like she was a Princess. Was he not in love? It is apparent that he was not. He told her
one of the main reasons he married her is because he always wanted a "Trophy Wife". What an asshole.
How can she be your "trophy" when u dont even have the pedestal to hold her on? You knew she was
worth the extra effort to exasperate her entire worth. You knew she was extraordinary. She was a "once
in a lifetime girl" and you let her down. She was willing to waste her wretchedness on you. She was
willing to give you her soul, her life. But you chose to degrade and deny her happiness. Why? She
gave you two miracles and all u were was a marauder to the Monument of Motherhood. She needed
your help. You did nothing. She could not do it by herself. She needed to be loved, unconditionally.
You let her down, along with her babies.
She found that in me. She discovered a New World. She had so much to give and I would be
obliged to account for her acumen. After everything that she has been through, she was strong enough
to survive on her own. She had made her decision to leave him long ago. She finally went through with
it. She made a plan to protect her self worth along with the welfare of the girls. After almost 4 years of
disparage, the time had come. She had suffered enough, and the oldest was starting to understand her
discomfort. The little ones recognized the fighting; the constant tirade of tumultuous tampering of what
could have been a terrific family. She would not let her daughters grow up in such a strenuous situation.
Both of them grew up in households where their parents were no longer together. She thought, she did
it, and she turned out wonderfully, so it should not have been an issue.
Her babies could handle it. They had her genes. Tough as 10 karat diamond. Once they are old
enough to understand that their mother was not content with the caustic condition that she was exposed
to, they would understand. All her life she was taken advantage of, used, abused, and other factors that
were despicable. Things that can not be forgiven. I am telling you, this woman was strong. Her
situation was nothing that she could not crush. She had been through worse. Far worse. Yet, she still
went on. She had rebuilt before. It was not an issue with her. The only lingering question in the back of
her mind was if she was being selfish and not thinking about her babies. She always put them first. Her
Love for her Children was insurmountable. It was contagious. No one can, or will ever question that
fact. I will put my life on it. She tried, for 4 years she struggled strenuously with strife. Internally she
was ripped apart by her past, present, and future. Still she smiled. Still she unleashed her Magic. She
was a Sorceress in her splendor. All her powers still could not deflect the demise that her husband
dictated.
Day after day she would beg herself to believe that he could change. She forced herself to live a
lie. She did it for her girls. She wanted them to have their parents intact even though it slowly severed
her soul. Each second with him was plaguing her Passion. She did not want that to spread to her kids.
She had to make a move. She despised what she had to do, she did not want to hurt him, but she gave
him his piece, his opening. He took it and spit it back in her face in front of her kids. His portal to her
Passion closed. She would never return to him. Never.... If he thinks that there was hope, he is lying to
himself.
He needs to look at the facts... They will come out. I guarantee. He knows. He lives. His soul
is dead.
WE SHALL SEE IN HEAVEN......
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
XVI Jolyn DeSilvis
Current mood: contemplative
There we were, 6 constituents of her Kingdom. 6 Souls sent there to celebrate the Life of
Princess. 6 people who knew the Love she had for life. The 7th lay there alone without her Prince.
Surrounded by her friends, family, traitors, and enemies. There was so much sadness there. So many
questions unanswered. She would not have wanted that. She would want people to celebrate her time
hear with us. There would be time to answer those questions. That day should have been free of evil, full
of Love. She would have wanted the doors open for all to participate in her passing into Heaven.
No jealousy, no fighting, no one person in power. Everyone equal, no superiors, no strife. All
elements, which were exasperated while she was here. Even in her passing, people tried to control what
she wanted. Those same people who knew she was not happy, betrayed her. They protected someone
who extinguished her ecstasy. Someone who they all new caused her pain. She suffered inside but still
managed to bring us that smile every instance she was here. They saw it, they knew, but yet they could
not possibly believe that it would come to her leaving her hell and finding Heaven away from her
husband. She left, without looking back. She had her children. She had her freedom. She was so excited
start anew and extinguish the anguish that was within him. It just so happened she met me along the
way. It was uncontrollable, caustic, flammable, Magic.
My closest friends knew that the viewing was on the horizon. So many questions and scenarios
ran wild throughout my mind. It lost its consistency, its continuity, its command. I had to navigate
through the nauseating notions, and come to a conclusion. I told myself I was going no matter what.
They would have to kill me, to halt me from seeing my Angel seep into Heaven. I had to see with my
own Eyez. I did not care what anyone thought, she was my One. I was her. She was me. We were in the
midst of another miracle. I was her "M". I continued her lineage with letters. ( I will explain "M" later .)
She was my girl. I told myself that I had to stand up and profess that she was placid, full of Happiness.
There was no way that what he was saying was the truth. To this day there has not been an official
announcement on what happened.
With whatever horror occurred that night, still we live with out our Princess. All of those
questions would be answered later. It was supposed to be a day to commemorate her life. They failed, he
failed, again. He did not want me to see her. Why? Could he not except that she found what she never
had with him? He could not even look people in the eye as he hid behind those sunglasses. Was he afraid
to see what he had done? Could he not face the truth? I guess he was not ready to reap his reckoning.
What a BITCH. He knows the answers.
I had to make a decision. A clear one. I could not let my emotions get involved. Some people
close to me thought I should sit this one out. What? Are you Fu$king crazy! I lost my Angel, and you
want me to hide like a coward. The worst has happened and they thought it would be best if I burrow
and become what she would have never beckoned. A weak warrior who could not stand up and believe
in himself or in the Passion that penetrated our souls. That was part of my appeal. Being able to speak
my mind but also mindful of her feelings. So I had to take in account what she would have wanted me to
do. She knows me so well; she would have wanted me to think this one out by myself. She left that in
my hands. I chose to go.
It seemed so soon. It was scheduled for May 12. One day after what would have her 28th
birthday. We should have still been at the beach in our suite celebrating her birthday together. It was not
supposed to be that way. We had our whole lives to live. Not in Mechanicsville, apart, her lying alone,
without a smile. Me sitting in the car outside crying and listening to the whispers of what might have
happened. To walk through the door to the chambers without a blockade would have been what she
wanted. I needed to handle my business. I had to say my goodbyes. I had to show everyone that no
matter what they have heard, I would walk in there with my head held high, in the direction of Heaven,
and pray for her eternal Peace as I hold her hand.
I was at work when the announcement was made. It was they day after. It was through e-mail. I
still have them both. The first, which unleashed the unthinkable to our co-workers, "the most beautiful
girl at our company had passed away the previous night!" Shocking to see it scrolled out in scripture, in
writing. I was at my desk with one of my best friends next to me and I could not hold back. I cried. I did
not care if my techs saw me, it did not matter. They would understand. I was such a stern leader, for
them to see me breakdown would have been the result of something horrendous. No one saw me. I had
to stay strong for her and most of them knew we were friends so they left me alone.
I went to work accompanied by my boy, even though it was a place I did not want to be at as it
reminds me so much of her, but we were on a mission. I felt I needed to retrieve evidence that proved
that she was elated the day before, the day she left us. We went to get the correspondence that my
Princess and me made since day 1. All the e-mails that she sent me were directed to a folder named
Jessica Biel, the actress I thought she resembled. We knew there was a conspiracy brewing within the
company. That day her boss was fired, a high level director. Something was up. I had to make sure they
were still in the folder, untouched. They were, so I forwarded them all to my personal account.
I have gone through every single one, reliving each instance. Trying to recall the feelings I felt
when I was writing them, what she might have been thinking. It was a diary of the last 5 months of her
life. With our communication safe from corruption, I knew it was the first step in my rebirth as a scarred
soul. I still read them to this day. With these scriptures in hand, I could prepare myself for the upcoming
confrontations with the reality that she went home to Heaven. I could draw strength from her words and
be ready for anything. I had to say good-bye. I had to tell her for the last time to her face, "I Love You
Baby!!!".......

Tales of An Angel

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Wednesday, June 14, 2006

An Angel's Memoirs Through the Eyez of Her Prince....... I Jolyn DeSilvis

Friday, June 23, 2006

Friday, June 30, 2006

Understandable under the

Still work to be done, more

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Monday, July 10, 2006

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