Forgiveness is divine-and new research shows that it's also good for your

health!
Youre boiling with rage. Even thinking about that witch of a co-worker is upsettingand
there she is, flaunting herself like a diva on American Idol. Shes been your nemesis from the
moment she joined the staff, despite your best efforts to be cordial. Arrogant, unpleasant,
underhandedshes lured away clients, and you know shes the source of recent rumors
about you. You find yourself daydreaming about ways to get even. Forgive her? Forget it!
How many of us are prepared to forgive a backstabbing colleague, an unfaithful partner,
neglectful parents or even the rude jerk who hogged the treadmill this morning? Lets face it:
Persistent unforgiveness is part of human naturebut it also appears to work to the terrible
detriment of our health. Learn why forgiveness helps your health and what you need to do in
order to forgive.
Why Forgive?
Although popular opinion equates forgiving with letting those no-good rotten #!%*s off
the hook, mounting evidence reveals that the people who can forgive are the ones who
receive the real rewards. In fact, recent research shows that the physical and mental health
benefits of forgiveness can be startling, regardless of age, gender or even the most
unimaginable hurts, such as severe sexual abuse or a childs murder.
In study after study, results indicate that people who are forgiving tend to have not only less
stress but also better relationships, fewer general health problems and lower incidences of the
most serious illnessesincluding depression, heart disease, stroke and cancer. Why?
Because not forgivingnursing a grudgeis so caustic, says Fred Luskin, PhD, a health
psychologist at Stanford University and author of Forgive for Good: A Proven Prescription
for Health and Happiness (HarperCollins 2002). It raises your blood pressure, depletes
immune function, makes you more depressed and causes enormous physical stress to the
whole body.
A Hot Field in Clinical Psychology
With more than 1,200 published studiesup from 58 as recently as 1997forgiveness
research is a relatively new and exciting field that, along with other mind-body research, is
encouraging a fundamental shift away from treatment of disease to focusing on the positive
aspects of human nature as a basis for healing.
The latest research findings suggest that forgiveness works in several ways. One is by
reducing the stress of unforgivenessa toxic mixture of anger, bitterness, hatred, resentment
and fear (of being humiliated or hurt again). These negative emotions have specific physical
consequences, including increased blood pressure, adrenaline and cortisol levels, which have
been linked to cardiovascular disease, immune suppression and, possibly, impaired
neurological function and memory.
A second way forgiveness works is more subtle, as shown in studies indicating that people
with strong social networksfriends, neighbors and family tend to be healthier than loners.
According to psychologists, someone who is angry and remembers every slight is likely to

lose relationships during the course of a lifetime, while people who are forgiving are more
likely to attract and keep a strong social support systemto the benefit of their own health.
How to Forgive
Okay, you say, youre convinced. But how do you learn to forgive, when holding a grudge
feels so right? The good news: You dont have to be Gandhi to start the process of forgiving.
The essence of forgiveness is accepting that something happened in opposition to your
wishes and you cant change it, says Luskin. The issue then is: What can you do to suffer
less? One, you can decide to disentangle yourself from your overconnection to this person.
And two, you can move past it and get a life. If you dont, youre likely to remain stuck in a
cycle of anger and bitterness.
For those who decide to forgive, researchers stress that it is important to begin by first
acknowledging that youve been hurt and still feel upset about it. Then try to look beyond
your personal experience and, ultimately, make the choice to let go of the weight and stress of
your anger for your own benefit.
Universally, researchers agree that forgiveness does not mean condoning, excusing, forgetting
or denying an offense. It also does not have to involve reconciliation or putting yourself back
into an abusive relationship. I wouldnt . . . encourage anyone to be buddies with those who
have hurt them severely, says Michael E. McCullough, PhD, associate professor in the
department of psychology and religious studies at the University of Miami and author of To
Forgive Is Human: How to Put Your Past in the Past (InterVarsity Press 1997). But offended
persons neednt be eaten up by their own resentments. Forgiveness also doesnt mean giving
up the right to seek justice or compensation. If someone vandalizes your car, you can forgive
the culpritbut you can also seek payment for the repair bill or pursue justice through the
courts.
Steps to Forgiveness
To make forgiveness part of your life, follow these expert guidelines:
1. Commit yourself. Decide to do whatever you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for
you, not for anyone else.
2. Get the frustration out. Tell your story to a few close friends. This will help you explore
your feelings and obtain a clearer sense of perspective.
3. Practice focusing on the good and positive things in your life: loving family members,
exhilarating workouts, kind acts by strangers, natures beauty, favorite music, and so on. Try
to recognize goodness, niceness and kindness, and thank people often.
4. Develop the mind-body technique for deep, slow breathing. Use it immediately to help
calm and refocus yourself whenever a painful memory or the sight of someone hurtful upsets
you.
5. Learn to recognize your grievance storiesin which you blame offenders for how you
feel. Instead of mentally replaying the hurts over and over, focus on your own positive goals.

For example, for one person this might mean getting past anger at a parent for an abusive
childhood to instead concentrating on personal goals of becoming fitter and learning to be a
better parent oneself.
6. Start with small things. Work on forgiving traffic miscreants, cell-phone screamers, rude
clients and the many people or things that push our buttons but dont really matter. Dont start
by trying to forgive the person whos wronged you the most in your life.
7. Focus on facts rather than emotions. Dont condone hurtful behavior, but attempt to
understand what led to it.
8. Try not to take things personally. Many offenses were not deliberately targeted to hurt you
personally, but were byproducts of other peoples own selfish goals. It helps to recognize that,
says Luskin.
9. Forgive those you love. According to Luskin, grievance stories for long-past offenses too
often become roadblocks that stop us from moving forward. The most important people to
forgive are those close to us.
10. Practice first. You might not be ready to forgive someone today, but if you were, what
would it sound like? Practice saying it out loud to yourself when you are alone. Then when
you are ready to forgive, it is available to you.
11. Further educate yourself about forgiveness. Check local colleges, churches or hospitals for
classes or workshops, plus libraries or the Internet for further reading.
12. Continue focusing on whats in it for you. Remind yourself that winning is not always
about who is right. Forgiving can free you to move on with your life. After all, living well is
the best revenge.
A final note: Always remember that forgiveness is a process, not a moment, and there is no
one-size-fits-all solution, says Edward M. Hallowell, MD, psychiatrist and author of Dare to
Forgive: The Power of Letting Go and Moving On (Health Communications 2004). However
you diffuse your anger, forgiveness can be a powerful tool to a happier, healthier future.
what forgiveness is
Forgiveness is . . .

making yourself responsible for how you feel.

about your healing, not about the people in your life who have hurt you.
learning to take wrongs less personally.
becoming a hero instead of a victim in the story.
a trainable skill, just like learning to throw a baseball.
a choice.
what forgiveness is not
Forgiveness is not . . .

o
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forgetting that something painful happened.

excusing or condoning the poor behavior.
an otherworldly or religious experience.
denying or minimizing your hurt.
necessarily reconciling with the offender.
waiving the right to justice or compensation.
hanging the offenders behavior; even if you change, the other person might
not.
always easy.