Billinger 1

Trevin Billinger
Professor Whitington
English 122
9 February 2016
Depression Poem
Researching such a broad topic took a fair amount of time. Depression a is disorder that
is hard to pinpoint and extremely hard to capture. Although many people say they are depressed,
to fully understand depression is a difficult mood to relate to. Researching depression as
expected, yielded many results and sources.
The points of research within depression were the main symptoms of it, the basic stigmas
behind the disorder, 1st person recounts of the feeling of depression, the different method of
treatment and how effective they are. The interest in it was the internal conflict within yourself.
Depression is an ongoing battle within a person, and thats the basis of the poem.
The poem discusses the battle internal turmoil and the type of mindset that depression
puts one in. The title of the poem My Head Is An Animal is the title of an album by Icelandic folk
band Of Monsters And Men, who writes frequently about depression on this album, mainly how
out of control one feels when dealing with it.
The source What Is Depression? Depression by Blaise Aguirre proved to be useful in
the poem as it explains numerous ways that a person battle internally in numerous aspects: it can
come in two forms, sad feelings and agitating mood swings, as well as sleep patterns switch back
and form between too much rest or too little. With depression, ones worst enemy is themselves.

Billinger 2
My Head is an Animal1

My mind is on fire, wait: its flooding.

My mental is first burning a hole through my psyche,
Then, without warning, drowning my serotonin
In thoughts of emptiness2
Back and forth between a warmth that keeps me on edge,
And the cold ocean of my sad reality.

I cannot dream tonight, for my mind is struggling

To float restlessly upon the waves.
A ship battling the storm; it is sinking.
The waves torment me.
Little rest will be had with the rocky tides tonight,
Until tomorrow, where the sky is clear, yet,
I am tired from last nights battle; I shall sleep for days3

To daydream of a better day is all I have4

Billinger 3
I am on a river, so slow and steady.
Its lucid almost, until the river that is my mind
Turns rocky. Here comes the waterfall, out of control
And destructive. Is this the end?
I am lost in my own head.

Why do I feel like this?

My garden is no longer beautiful.
Its filled with weeds and it is dying.
I want the flowers to grow to be beautiful.
I am no longer myself5
My garden cannot compete with
Insects and unwelcomed plants
Sprouting and taking any joy I
Had in my psyche.

I am fighting with a lion; so vigorous and relentless.

Its so violent inside there.

Billinger 4
What do I do? Should I let him win?
I am no longer sure that I can beat him anyway.6
Is is possible to kill my mind to continue living?

I am weak, but against these remedies, my mind

Is strong. I felt whole for once, a minute of bliss,
Until the demons start chattering again.
My mind knows Im so heavy, so I look for
Other ways to cope.9
I feel as if theres no end, internally battling,
Perpetually.
Notes
1:

In reference to the 2012 album by Icelandic folk group Of Monsters and Men; a line taken from
the track Dirty Paws (Hilmarsdttir et al.)
2:

According to Blaise Aguirre, The term unipolar is sometimes used because mood disorders are
considered to be along a spectrum with two poles. One pole is depression, which is a low sadfeeling, mood state, and the other is mania, which is a high, elated, and agitated mood.
3:

The sleep pattern can be one of either too much sleep or too little sleep and waking up
frequently at night. In either case, the sleep is of poor quality, tormented by nightmares and
provides little rest (Aquirre 2).
4:
5:

Depression sufferers often feel profoundly alone. It is this loneliness that kills (Aquirre 2).

Confirmed this finding, reporting that the tendency to engage in daydreaming was
predicted by both the severity of current depressive symptoms and the likelihood of former
depressive episodes (Machetti, Putte, and Koster.)

Billinger 5
6:

According to BG Druss, Among persons meeting criteria for major depression, 29% reported
receiving specialty mental health services, 31% reported receipt of depression services through
their regular medical provider and 40% received no treatment in the past 12 months.
7:

The depressed person comes to realize that there is something wrong with him- or herself. For
the authors of the texts we examined, the monster turns out to be merciless and devastating. It
shatters the old self to bits and pieces and robs it of its former qualities, which authors once
took as obvious parts of their personalities (Westerbeek and Mutsaers).
8:

Depression has slowly but surely changed them into invalids, into people who can hardly
breathe or move anymore and who only long for liberation from this interminable pain. As they
see it, there are just two alternatives: suicide or seeking help (Westerbeek and Mustaers).
9:

For other authors, in time, antidepressants seem to lose their power or have too many side
effects, triggering a long process of experimentation with other medications (Westerbeek and
Mustaers).

Billinger 6
Works Cited
Aguirre, Blaise A. "What Is Depression?" Depression. Santa Barbara, CA: Greenwood, 2008.
ABC-CLIO eBook Collection. Web. 8 Feb 2016.
Druss, BG. "Major Depression, Depression Treatment and Quality of Primary Medical Care."
General Hospital Psychiatry 30.1 (2008): 20-25. LexisNexis Database. Web. 8 Feb. 2016.
Hilmarsdttir, Nanna B., Ragner rhallsson, Brynjar Leifsson, Kristjn P. Kristjnsson, and
Arnar R. Hilmarsson. "Dirty Paws." My Head Is An Animal. Republic Records, New
York City, 2012. CD.
Marchetti, Igor, Eowyn Van de Putte, and Ernst H. W. Koster. Self-Generated Thoughts and
Depression: From Daydreaming to Depressive Symptoms. Frontiers in Human
Neuroscience 8 (2014): 131. PMC. Web. 8 Feb. 2016.
Westerbeek, Jette and Karen Mutsaers. "Depression Narratives: How the Self Became a
Problem." Literature and Medicine 27.1 (2008): 25-55. Project MUSE. Web. 8 Feb. 2016.