Thats Not How Men Work PDF

THE SECRET
Here is the secret. The secret that I told all those girls to do with the men in
their lives to get them.
The secret is to tell your man that you love him exactly how he is and that you
have no plans to change him. Work with him YES. Compromise with him, YES.
Communicate with him, YES. BUT never aim to change who he is and that you
will try your hardest every day to truly understand and respect the man that he
is.
The reason why saying this a man is so powerful is because the biggest fear
men have is that a woman is going to change them. They see it in movies. They
hear it from other men. Its ingrained into them that when they settle down
they will be required to change who they are to make a woman happy. AND a
man always aims to make his woman happy. To hear the words I love you just
as you are and I dont want to change you is the most blissful sentence a man
can hear.
What Im going to teach you in my program is how to deliver this message and
really mean it. Thats the hardest part. Meaning what you say. Im going to
teach you how to deliver this simple message that men go gaga for with true
authenticity. I guarantee that if you deliver this message and stick to it, any
man will be putty in your hands.
Welcome to Thats Not How Men Work!
Table Of Contents
PREFACE.............................................................................................................. 8
Thats Not How Men Work............................................................................... 11
Chapter One: Turn Yourself On in Order to Turn Him On..................................16
What Youll Discover in This Chapter............................................................ 21
Exercise One: The Brain Dump...................................................................... 22
Exercise Two: The Six Tasks Questionnaire and Workbook......................... 25
Task 1: Who are YOU and What Do You Want? ........................................... 27
Task 2: Defining Your Self Worth................................................................... 46
Task 3: Establishing and Defining Boundaries/Expectations....................... 49
Task 4: Get Your Passion Back........................................................................ 52
Task 5: Clearing Your Past.............................................................................. 53
Task 6: Getting Your Sexy Back...................................................................... 55
Final Thoughts and Instruction............................................................................. 56
Turn Yourself On to Turn Him On.................................................................. 57

Exercise Three and Four: The Awesome You, Awesome Him Lists.......... 58
Asking the Right Questions ................................................................................... 61
Its All About Values! ................................................................................................. 62
Exercise Five: Discovering Your Values and Owning Them.......................... 65

Discover Your Values.................................................................................................. 66
Owning Your Values................................................................................................... 76
How To Identify Values.............................................................................................. 76
What Are Personal Values? ..................................................................................... 77
The Importance of Clearly Defining Your Core Values.................................. 77
Section Recap.................................................................................................... 81
Chapter Two: The Evolution of Attraction ........................................................ 82
Learning Something About Men From a Classic Cartoon

About Women......................................................................................................... 84
From Brain Surgery to the Bedroom.................................................................... 86
An Iron is Only an Iron (So Stop Expecting It to Be a Vacuum, Too!) ....... 92
Men are men, and no one is better at being men than they are.............. 96
The Caveman Effect..................................................................................... 102

His Attraction Triggers...........................................................................................103
You Got my Text, But What About the Subtext of my Text?......................115

Get Some Guts (and Enjoy the Glory) ..............................................................116
Back to the Subtext of Your Text.....................................................................118
Section Recap.................................................................................................. 123

Chapter Three: Nailing the Approach ............................................................. 124
The Nervous Guy Syndrome is More Common Than You Think........129
Are You a Date Shredder? .....................................................................................133
First Date Flops + Disastrous Ultimatums .................................................. 139

Getting Him to Look Your Way and Notice Your
(Inner and Outer) Beauty.......................................................................................142
Making Yourself Open for the Approach.................................................... 144

Setting Intentions.....................................................................................................147
Man Up! Girl: Approach Five Men per Day.....................................................149
Conversational Starting Points.................................................................... 151

Forget Topics to Talk About/Think About Energy Instead.........................151
Be Feminine But Dont Dominate The Conversation...................................156
AnnouncingTheElephant....................................................................................157
How to Achieve the Easy Approach.......................................................... 159

The Smirk.....................................................................................................................159
Re-Framing ................................................................................................................161
Heres How To Do It:.................................................................................................162
The Groove Method.................................................................................................163

What Animal Are You? ...........................................................................................166
Section Recap.................................................................................................. 168

Chapter Four: Putting Practice into Perfection! ............................................. 169
Make This Move, Not That Mistake (For Singles, Only).............................172
Scenario #1: The Guy Standing in Line at Starbucks Behind You
(Who is Desperately Trying to Get Your Attention!).....................................172
Scenario #2: Meeting Him in Person For the First Time
(and He Doesnt Look Like His Picture).............................................................174
Lainies Story...............................................................................................................175
Lainies Online Dating Experience .....................................................................176
Make This Move, Not That Mistake (For Those in a Relationship)............178

He Wants More Sex, You Want More Affection.........................................178
PREFACE
Before we dive into the nitty gritty of how men work, I wanted to finish telling
you the story I started telling you.
The one about Jen and the other women who had incredible success with men
once I told them this 1 secret.
The thing that I told Jen and ALL those other women was the simplest little
thing that they had forgotten and kept forgetting in every interaction theyve
ever had with men.
The Secret was.
Thats Not How Men Work!!!!
Men DO NOT work the same way as women.
They dont think like us, they dont want what we want and they certainly dont
feel the same way that we do.
What I told all these women and continue to tell women when they come to
me with a man issue is X, thats not how men work and then I explain to
them how men DO work in each situation.
Men are not women and thank goodness for that. Ha.
PREFACE
The thing is that as we get closer to a man and form a connection with him, we
start to believe they are going to act the same way that we do.
And when this doesnt happen, we begin to get confused, then frustrated then
mad or even sad.
The things that drive us are NOT what drives men. And every time we forget
this, it hurts us.
Once you can understand that men ARE different and HOW they are different,
things with men will become soooooo much easier!
The thing that Jen did not understand is that as she got deeper and deeper
into her relationship with her man she completely forgot about how her man
works and instead just focused on her goals and wants and needs.
This lead to major frustration for her and her man and drove them further and
further apart.
But once she took a minute to acknowledge her man and show him that she
got him and understood HIM, things immediately changed.
He felt appreciated, heard and once again a partner in the relationship.
The program I wrote is meant to remind you that any time you interact with
men, you have to understand and remember that they are going to work
entirely differently than you.
Thats Now How Men Work
The more you expect them to work the same, the more disappointed youll be
with yourself and the men in your life
And the worst thing in the world for a man in your life to feel is that he is
disappointing you.
So remember, from here on out that men are not women. They are men and
you its up to you to love them for that!
Enjoy the program!!
10
PREFACE
Thats Not How Men Work

Are men complicated or do we complicate our relationships with them?
If youre like most women out there, then youve experienced the all-toocommon reality of scratching your head (or perhaps pounding it against a wall)
due to a misunderstanding, argument or frustration with the guy in your life.
But after working for the past decade with hundreds of thousands of men
from all over the world, I have to spill my secretsthe answers to your biggest
questions about men!
One of the most life changing things Ive learned from coaching men these last
ten years is that while they dont always know what women want, they want to
know, and some of them are even dying to know! They want to know how to
approach you.
They want to know how to make you smile, laugh and be the very guy that you
cant stop thinking and fantasizing about! And, whether you believe it or not,
theyre not always thinking about sexsure, thats part of itbut what theyre
really thinking about when they see you from across the room, or after being
introduced to you by a co-worker, is: How do I impress her? How do I show her
who I really am without falling flat on my face?
Im a Wing Girl (and if youre a fan of The Kardashian Show, then you may have
heard Kim spout off the phrase I created!) which means for the past decade Ive
been teaching men around the world (hundreds of thousands of them) how to
11
understand women who otherwise wouldnt be able to meet her.

Aside from my top rated blog, www.winggirlmethod.com you can find me cohosting the 100,000 viewed per episode Ask Women podcast on PodcastOne.
com. Im also a regular contributor to The Huffington Post, Askmen.com and
Sex.com, along with Glamour, Penthouse, CNN, Marie Claire, Fox News and
other radio and talk shows around the country.
Think of my work like this: Im a mans personal insider, teaching all of the
great, amazing, charming and incredible guysthe ones that are actually
worthy of youall about what you really want, and how you work.
Im the one that instructs them to forget about all that bad advice their best
friend has given them about women, and throw away what he thinks he knows
about us.
We dont want a guy thats trying to be someone hes not. We dont want
arrogance. We dont want a guy who is going to call all the shots, or sit back
while were forced to call all the shots in a relationship.
What we do want is a man who can make us feel like the most beautiful
woman in the room, take care of our needs and add to our life by being the
amazing guy he is.
For every guy who has come to me clueless about women, hes walked away from
my coaching program self-assured and confident in his ability to know what
women want and how to find the right woman for him.
12
Over the past decade of working so closely with men, Ive been forced to learn
all about how men work, how they dont work and what makes them do what
you want them to do. Ive learned about their insecurities, their wants and their
desires (which are not all sexual).
And what I want you to know is that deep down, they have the same
frustration and insecurities that you do. They want the same things you do,
and just like I have helped them get what they are looking for, this book can
help you achieve the same thinga partner who will be the very thing youre
looking for!
Trust meonce you know how men work, you can work with them and be the
happiest youve ever been.
Through my experience of coaching men about women I began to realize how
much amazing and insightful information I was gaining that was helping me
in my own dating life. Im happily married and I know thats its because of the
information I have gained from my male clients along the way.
Ive wanted to write this book for a long time, ever since I told my friend,
Thats Not How Men Work! So many women spend their love lives in constant
torment and utter confusion by men and how they work because they think
men work the same way they do. They dont.
They work totally differently than us, and when you learn how to approach
men in a whole new light (for who they are and how they are hardwired) your
love life will transform, and youll become instantly empowered!
13
My book, Thats Not How Men Work, will teach you how to become crystal clear
on what you want, what youre looking for in a man, and how to get it.
Because, I believe that when you know yourself and you know how men really,
truly work, the possibilities for an exciting and passionate love life are endless!
This book isnt your typical relationship book. Its not about what youre doing
wrong. Its not about discovering the signs that he may be cheating on you. Its
not meant to lift you up and candy coat how youre coming across to men.
Its meant to give you the truth about men and how they work. And its
definitely meant to help you understand that how you think they work, isnt
how men work.
This book is all about men, and by the time you finish reading it, you wont just
know what makes them feel instantly attracted to you, and what motivates
them to commit, but youll understand it.
The light will come on. Youll get it. Youll understand what attraction triggers
men have, where it comes from and why, so that if youre single and ready to
mingle with Mr. Right, you can instantly up your success rate at attracting men
around every corner!
Think of me as your personal wing girl. Im Marni, owner of the Wing Girl
Method and Im your insider to the male mind. Sit back, have fun and learn
that the true art to having an exciting, satisfying relationship with men is to
understand right here and right now the way we work and we think as women
isnt how men work.
14
Im here to show you that when you apply the information, tips and real life
scenarios thats in every chapter, youll see for yourself that amazing guys are
truly everywhere. The hard part will be choosing who your Mr. Right will be!
15
Chapter One: Turn Yourself On in Order

to Turn Him On
Dear Marni,
My boyfriend and I recently broke up after a seven year (to the day) relationship.
The truth be told, and as embarrassing as it continues to be to deal with, my
boyfriend broke up with me. I thought we were headed for the altar, and he
thought that I stopped taking care of myself.
When he broke up with me, everything in my life broke apart. Now I find myself not
really knowing what move to make, and I dont quite know what I should do with
all my free time.
Should I take a trip, and just kind of physically get away from everything at
home, or just stay put and mentally deal with the aftermath of my post-breakup?
In retrospect, I know our relationship wasnt perfect, and I know it takes two to
tango.
I know that I used to be fiercely independent and free spirited, and somewhere
along the way in our relationship I lost that drive and ambition I had when I was
single. How do I get it back, move on and where do I go from here?
~Chelsea
Dear Chelsea,
16
Chapter One: Turn Yourself On in Order to Turn Him On
For most women (as Im sure it has been for you), its easy to get lost in your
relationship, especially when you are so enamored with the person youre with. You
can get so consumed by the powerful effects of loveafter all, love makes us all
do stupid things at one point or another!that it takes a conscious effort through
past experiences and by staying in the moment to remain grounded and intact, so
heres my advice to you.
Learn from this experience, and take this time for yourself. When you become
saddened about not being with your ex-boyfriend, know this: the more confident
and comfortable you are in your own skin, the more of an amazing, kind, and
incredible guy you can attract.
Stop thinking about what makes your ex happy and instead think about what
makes you happy. If you want to dance your heart out, head out to your favorite
dance club with your girlfriends. Try a new cardio class. Volunteer. Take your career
to a whole new level, or a whole new direction.
Discover what qualities youre really looking for in a man, and just as importantly,
what you love about yourself. Before long, and when you really love the skin youre
in, youll meet a guy who loves you, too!
Your insider,
Marni
My passion is to help you realize that you can have everything you have ever
wanted...all you gotta do is start asking for it. So, take a moment to stop and
think about your life. What are you asking for, and what arent you?
17
About 10 years ago, I was not the kind of girl who knew how to ask for what I
wanted. In fact, I was quite the opposite.
I was a people pleaser.
I never spoke my mind out of fear of rocking the boat and making people not
like me. I put others on pedestals. And perhaps worst of all, I let the love of a
man consume me and I control my life out of fearing I would lose him.
Have you done the same? Does this sound familiar?
This book is all about how men work, but just as importantly, its important to
understand how you work so that you can dodge the disastersthose guys
who arent on your playing field and dont meet your expectations, and meet
an amazing guya guy thats out there and ready to meet the amazing you!
First, though, before you can meet him, you have to do a little work on yourself.
This chapter is loaded with exercises to get you falling in love with yourself
in order to fall in love with the right guy. Youll also find guy confessionals
throughout, real statements, problems and true dating scenarios from men I
have personally coached who tell you like it is, and whats so hard on their end
(and how you can up your approach so they can get to know you, talk to you,
ask you out, and take your relationship to the next level!)
So lets get to it!
18
Breaking the Bad Date Cycle

Before I got married, I dated a LOT of men. Men that were wrong for me, as in
not the RIGHT men by any measure. Why did I continue to date men that were
emotionally unavailable, and whose words didnt line up with their actions?
Why did I continue to date different guys, who all ended up being more of
the same? It wasnt until my last relationship (prior to meeting the man of my
dreams) that I realized where I was going wrong.
It hit meI was dating the WRONG men because I was not yet the RIGHT
woman. I had no clue who I was, what I wanted or what my boundaries were. I
didnt know my values or what I was really looking for in a partner. Instead I
was looking to these men to tell me or at least show me the way.
In my last relationship before meeting The ONE, I bent over backwards to
make this man love me, and so much so that at a certain point I stopped loving
myself. In retrospect I now know the truthit wasnt his fault that I was doing
this or feeling this, it was mine.
It was my fault that I did not know myself better, have boundaries in place and
respect myself for the awesome woman I was. Instead, I put each and every
boyfriend (and especially my recent ex) on a pedestal. I bent over backwards to
get his attention (with no one to blame but myself ).
Had I believed more in my own self-worth and had a clearer picture of what I
was looking for in a partner, I would have never gotten into such a mess with
my ex and wasted so much time in relationship agony.
19
After our breakup, I went a little crazy for about six months, trying to get him
back. But after all that craziness settled, I realized that I had to start respecting
myself more and learn to be the strong woman Ive always known I could be if I
wanted to get what I wanted with men and in life.
When I began to get clearer about who I was and what I wanted, my love life
completely changed (and became everything I wanted it to be). Thats exactly
what I want for you too, and once your try the exercises as outlined in this
chapter, youll discover just what I didwhen you know what you want, who
you are and the type of guy you really want to have in your life, youll get it.
Youll get everything youve ever wanted, and then some!
20
What Youll Discover in This Chapter

Before I could get clear on what I wanted out of a relationship, I had to get
clear on my own beliefs and frustrations that were possibly holding me back.
During the time that I went crazy over my ex, I went on a trip to Bali and met
this amazing doctor who practiced Ayervedic medicine.
I decided to go see her because I was having panic attacks and stomach issues,
and heard she was the best. However, that didnt prepare me for what she
prescribed for me. I was expecting herbs, or perhaps a few gross teas that I
would have to digest.
At the very worst, maybe Id have to eat some bugs or swallow a New-agey
potion, but instead she gave me a daily morning exercise that she swore would
change everything.
No, it wasnt a butt lifting workout that would transform my body. The exercise
she swore by was a workout for my mind, and so Id be able to think of myself
differently and open myself up to the man I was really supposed to be with.
The exercise the doctor gave me was called the Brain Dump, and trust me,
when you try it, youll understand why. Its freeing, and empowering and it
makes you feel better than you have in a long time.
When I tried it, immediately I noticed things, people, and even circumstances
begin to shift in my life, as I know they will for you, too.
21
Start each morning for the next week with this exercise, and you will see a
change in how you feel about yourself, about the people around you, and
about relationships altogether!
Exercise One: The Brain Dump

The brain dump is meant to release all of the ideas in your head that are
floating around, trapped and expanding at a very fast rate. I believe that those
seemingly random, negative thoughts that pop up can be your biggest enemy
in lifeespecially in relationships with men.
Any idea that is stuck in your head that you dont explore and eliminate is
simply a floating thought that will continue to grow until you are in a negative
tailspin.
If you can get your floating ideas out of your head by using your words or by
getting them out on paper, they become real and then you actually deal with
them. When they remain in your head, they can negatively affect how you
think about yourself, the actions you make, and even the type of men you
choose to date!
But put those thoughts on paper, and you can rationalize your thoughts and
address them right then, and right there.
A few years ago I started to get panic attacks (which was strange, because at
the time I didnt even realize I was panicked). As it turns out, I was living in a
state of anxiety and it was affecting everything in my life.
22
I did the exercise religiously that the doctor recommended and it was the best
thing that I ever did for myself. It allowed all the chaotic thoughts in my head
to slow down enough for me to face and deal with head on. It was scary, but
powerful.
So, now its your turn!
Every morning, give yourself ten to fifteen minutes before you start your day
to devote to this exercise. Grab a pad of paper, journal etc.... its up to you what
you write in. Then literally dump everything that is in your brain out on the
paper.
If youre not sure what to write or how to start, start by writing something like,
I never get what I want with men. Or I dont think the men I want will want
me back.
This will open the gates.
This information is just for you, so let it rip! Write down everything you think
and feel (even if you know it may sound crazy). Once you are done, close the
book and begin the day. The next day morning, go back and read what you
wrote the day before.
Do you believe it? Is it logical? Does it bring up more emotions? If so, what
emotions and feelings does it bring up? Write them all down, and continue
making this a daily process.
23
Brain dumping is meant to free your mind and assist you by teaching you how
to coach yourself. Once you see those thoughts on paper, you can logically
speak to yourself. Its also a great way to express yourself and free your mind of
all of these horrible thoughts so that you can room for better ones!
Ultimately, what the brain dump exercise does is give you the fresh start you
need so that you can find an awesome man and really have the patience to
understand and love him.
Now onto your next exercise!
24
Exercise Two: The Six Tasks Questionnaire and

Workbook
Before you can start turning on men you must learn how to turn on yourself.
So, you need to boost your confidence and find out why you would be
attractive to others.
Now I know this may seem like a daunting task at the moment but you and I
are going to do this together so theres no risk and no fear of rejection!
Each task will bring you one step closer to success, not only with men, but in
your whole life.
Each task will provide you with the facts you need to understand you can get
every man you wantwhile becoming the strong, self-assured and awesome
woman youve always been. Just so you know, I have done each of the
exercises and tasks in this book.
Its what is responsible for taking me from the emotionally, needy woman with
men I used to be, to the confident, self-aware, dependent woman I am today.
So even though some of these may seem silly or cause discomfort, the results
they provide are priceless.
Again, please take your time completing these tasks. There is no point in
rushing through them.
Its time to get to know yourself and discover what turns you on in order to
25
turn him on!

Task 1: Who Are YOU & What Do YOU Want?
Task 2: Defining Your Self Worth
Task 3: Establishing and Defining Boundaries/Expectations
Task 4: Get Your Passion Back
Task 5: Clearing Your Past
Task 6: Getting Your Sexy Back
26
Task 1: Who are YOU and What Do You Want?

Task Outline
This task will help you to list what your current goals with men arethe more
you know what you want, the easier of a time youll get what you want!
Rules
Answer all questions below openly and honestly. No one is judging you on
your responses. These questions will help you further develop and understand
what it is you are trying to achieve with men.
Do not list qualities, but characteristics. So, for example dont write out that
you want a tall guy with a ripped body, but instead something like, a funny
guy with a great heart. This task is to help you find out your overall goal with
mennot obsess over the physical details.
Why?
Before you can start something about your dating life (aka: meet that amazing
guy youve been waiting for!) you need to know what it is you are actually
trying to do. Once your intentions are clear you can set your goals.
I will assist you by informing you that your UMBRELLA GOAL should be to be
the best version of yourself because that is what men find attractive.
27
Now its up to you to dig down to find the specifics of goals you want with
men. The following questions will assist in establishing your goals.
TYPE OF PERSON YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO

(Describe the type of person you want to meet. Close your eyes and think
about how he makes you feelnot how tall, gorgeous or how well dressed he
isand when you have a clear picture, begin writing. I do not want you to skip
any details because this is your description of an ideal partner, which is crucial
in making him come to life, in your life!)
TYPE OF PERSON YOU ARE
28
DESCRIBE THE TYPE OF PERSON YOU ATTRACT

Who do you seem to attract into your life? Good men? Bad men? Do you tend
to always surround yourself with men who take advantage of you? Men who
have issues/baggage? Do you notice a pattern? Is there a pattern, or is dating
random guys (all of which have nothing in common with each other) the
pattern?
TYPE OF PERSON OTHERS THINK YOU ARE

Ask five people of the opposite sex what type of image you project (friends,
co-workers, your neighbor, etc). Be sure to take detailed notes so you can get a
complete picture of the image you project so you can compare it to what you
think you project.
29
HOW YOU GO ABOUT MEETING OTHERS

Make a list of all the ways and/or places you try to meet the opposite sex over
the course of a one-month period. Using a scale of 1- 5 (1= poor, 5 = excellent),
rate each way/place.
YOUR DAILY ROUTINE

Write in detail about your daily routine. In this routine do you see people you
want to talk to? Write down a description of one of these people you want to
meet. This will allow you to train your mind to let such a person come into your
life.
30
YOUR EXCUSES
Write down all the excuses (or reasons) you use that prevents you from
approaching the people you are interested in meeting. This will help you learn
to be conscious of the patterns you have, and a jumping off place to change
them!
YOUR DATING HABITS

How many dates do you go on in a one-month period? How many of these
are blind dates?
31
How do you feel about that number?
How many dates do you want to go on in a one-month period?
Do you the use the Internet to date?
32
What % of the date time, do you talk about yourself vs. listening to the
other person?
How many of the dates (or what %) do you exchange phone numbers?
When do you typically ask for the phone number?
How quickly do you call after getting the phone number? How quickly do
you call back?
33
After the first date, how long do you wait to ask for a second date?
What is the perfect (ideal) first date? Where would you like to go or be
taken?
How often do you have casual sex?
34
How many dates do you go on before you have sex with that person?
What is the most bizarre place you have met someone that you dated?
How many dates did you go on with this person?
Where would you like to meet more people?
35
Do you feel more comfortable meeting someone for the first time in a
group setting or by yourself?
YOUR IMAGE
Do you consider yourself successful? What is your definition of success?
Do you consider yourself happy or fulfilled? If not, what is missing?
36
Do you like your wardrobe? What do you like/dislike about it?
Do you feel good about your body? Why or why not?
Do you like your hair? Why or why not?
37
Do you like your height? Why or why not?
Do you have good friends? Who is your best friend? Why is that person
your best friend?
Who do you got for relationship advice? How helpful have you found the
advice to be?
38
If you could change one thing about you, what would it be?
Where do you like to be seen? Why?
Do you consider yourself approachable? Why or why not?
39
Do you consider yourself a generous person? Why or why not?
Do you think you are a good listener? Why or why not?
How quickly do you judge others?
40
How well do you take criticism?
Do you consider yourself romantic? Give an example of when you were

romantic?
Do you think you are a good lover? Why or why not?
41
Do you continue to search even if you are dating someone you like?
How long has it been since your last relationship? Have you ever been
married or lived with a partner?
YOU AND MEN

Finish the following sentences:
Men Are
42
I Want A Man Who.
What Do You Want From A Man?
What Are You Comfortable Giving To A Man?
43
What Type Of Men Do You Want To Meet? (No answers about appearance
allowed)
What Type Of Men Do You NOT Want To Meet? (No answers about
appearance allowed, so focus on personality traits, characteristics,
lifestyle habits or hobbies; attitudes or opinions)
What kind of relationship do you want?
44
Where Do You Currently Meet Men?
What Are You Doing To Meet Men?
45
Task 2: Defining Your Self Worth

Task Outline
List and describe five to ten great things about you (the more, the better!)
Rules
You can list anything and everything great about you. For a lot of people this is
a difficult task because they feel like they are bragging or that they egotistical.
This is for you, not for anyone else. So start bragging!
Why?
This is meant to show you why you are special and why others would want to
be with you.
I had this one client who I asked this question to and she responded I am
going to need to get back to you in five days. I really cant think of a single
reason why anyone would think I was that great.
First this broke my heart. Second it made me frustrated. Most of the great
women in the world dont know they are great. And if they dont think they are,
how can anyone else think they are?
Those who brag about how great they are, in my opinion are insecure. On the
46
flip side those who doubt themselves on a constant basis and dont believe
great things about are also insecure.
But those who are self-assured and understand they are great and worthy of
great things are attractive. Be attractive not a bragger or insecureits being
confident in who you are and what you have to give.
The client also said to me that she believed confidence was only gained
through being attractive, and being fit and thin.
NO!!!!! Never believe those things because at the end of the day they are not
what men find attractive.
So she and I worked together to create a list of amazing qualities that
previously, hadnt even crossed her mind. Here is how our conversation went:
Marni: The first thing we know about you is that you are proactive. You contacted
me because you realized you wanted to make a change. That means you are ten
times braver than the majority of women in the world.
X: That is very true. Wow I didnt realize that!
Marni: What do you do for a living?
X: I am an editor and work for a large publishing company.
Marni: So you are super intelligent, have a skill others do not have and have a large
47
international company validating your intelligence by hiring you and trusting you
to edit products that reflect them. Are you living in the same city you were born?
X: No. I moved when I was in my 20s because I realized there were little
opportunities for me back home.
Marni: So you are a risk taker who understands that she may need to adjust in
order to survive and you are willing to take chances that could possibly fail.
We went on and on, and through conversations with this client, she came to
her own realizationsshe discovered that she was smart, passion about her
life and with love to give another.
This is the importance of knowing what you have, so that you can begin to
recognize love when it smacks into you on the street!
I want you to really evaluate yourself and give yourself the pat on the back that
you deserve. If you find yourself getting uncomfortable with this exercise, walk
away and come back to it when you are in a better space. This one may take
time.
Once you have completed your list of five to ten things I want you to type
them out or write them down or record them on audio. Then listen or read over
this list every night and every morning for the next ten days.
On the tenth day I want you to read this list to someone else that you are close
to and ask them what they think and if they have anything to add.
48
Task 3: Establishing and Defining Boundaries/

Expectations
Task Outline
Make a list of your expectations and boundaries you want to have with men.
Rules
This exercise is meant to help you outline what you are willing and not willing
to accept from a man.
I am not asking for things like I expect a man to treat me to four course
dinners at high class restaurants every night of the week, or I want a proposal
within two months. I am asking you to make a list of what behaviors, attitudes
and actions you are willing to accept and not accept (opinions, lifestyle
choices, core values).
Why?
It is very important to understand your own boundaries. If you do not have
boundaries you will continue to get walked all over by men. This is where the
rumor about Nice Girls getting passed over for the gorgeous (but bitchy girl)
got started.
A whole bunch of nice girls with no boundaries got walked all over by a man
and decided that being nice was a bad thing.
49
The truth is that the men didnt like the fact that they were pushovers, wimps
and would do anything she asked. They had no boundaries and expectations
of behaviors they felt they deserved.
One important note is that once you establish boundaries they can always be
adjusted through discussion and compromise. You do not need to be stubborn
and controlling, but you need to be a strong woman and hold onto what you
believe.
I will get you started in case you are having trouble. For example, below youll
find a list of examples for boundaries I WILL keep with men:
I will not allow a man I am attracted to, to call me and whine about his
girlfriend or ex-girlfriend!
I do not want to be with a man who treats others badly.
I will not stay in a friendship with a man that I am attracted to.
I expect a man to be on time for a date, and to hold himself accountable
for all actions.
I will not accept a man flaking on me. I will not be a doormat for his rude,
cocky or unfair behavior. I will not let HIM waste my time.
You see where I am going with these. I dont want you to be too rigid and I
understand that circumstance will come in to play quite often. But I want you
50
to understand that you are allowed to have a backbone and you are allowed to
tell a man his behavior has disappointed you.
If he is not able to respect your needs, then cut him loose (and dont you dare
wonder, What if)
Having boundaries is one of the sexiest qualities a woman can possess!
51
Task 4: Get Your Passion Back

Task Outline
List two things you are passionate about and discuss the reason why you are
passionate about them. After you write this information down read it out loud.
If possible record it then play it back to yourself.
Listen to the tone you use when you describe your passion and try to replicate
this tone when you are in conversation with the next 10 people you talk to
especially women.
Rules
You do not have to talk this passionately the entire time.
Why?
When you speak about your passions you project a tone and energy that all
men are attracted to. It is an energy that people want to be around. It will get
you excited and will get others excited as well.
52
Task 5: Clearing Your Past

Task Outline
Write a list of where you went wrong in the past with men. For example,
did you lose your sense of identity in the relationship, or become bossy or
controlling? Then write a list of what you will do differently in the future.
Rules
There are no rules to this section because I want you to go hog wild crazy and
get all of the SH&T that may be bogging you down, out of your system. So let it
all out. Write out your frustrations, anger, and proactive steps you can think of
so that those past relationship mistakes and upsets wont continue, or happen
again.
Why?
If you cant forget the past, how are you ever going to move forward?
You dont have to write about past relationships. This can simply be a space for
you write down things you feel angry, sad or frustrated by.
For example:
Im a serial friend with guys I want to date and I dont state my intentions
53
with them out of fear Ill lose them, or our relationship will become awkward.
Deep down, Im afraid that they wont feel the same way, so I tend to just stay
complacent about being in the friend zone.
Or, I forgot to put effort into my marriage and did not appreciate all my
husband did for me. I didnt realize this until it was too late.
Where I Made Mistakes With Men:
What I Will Do Differently In The Future:
54
Task 6: Getting Your Sexy Back

Task Outline
Stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself that you are sexy. Say it 10 times
every morning and evening before for 10 days.
Once the 10 days are up I would like you to go into the streets of whatever city
you are in and ask men if they think you are sexy.
If yes, say thank you and ask them what it is about you that they think is sexy. If
no, then ask them why not. Listen to their answers.
Rules
Try saying I am sexy in various ways. When going out to the streets start off by
asking women you are not attracted to then graduate to women you do find
attractive.
Why?
Why not? Just kidding. As I said the goal of your personal profile for success
with men is to learn how turn yourself on. If you dont think you are sexy how
will anyone else?
I wanted to share an email I received from one of my past clients that I worked
55
with a few months back. She was beautiful, inside and outbut had a hard
time believing she it. She also did not believe she was sexy and therefore did
not understand why men would ever want her:
Hi Marni,
Three months ago I started going out with a guy who I had met two years ago. We
are now officially in a relationship and are very happy!
I wanted to remind you of the one of your emails you had sent me when we were
working together. You asked me Do you feel sexy? I thought about it for a while
and then I came up with an answer, which was YES. I didnt realize until that
moment that in fact I was and could be sexy. Not just to men but to myself.
Since then I always get attention from guys. I am not super good looking but not
unattractive either. I am so thankful to you for your support! X
It is so important for you to understand that you are sexybecause you are,
and once you know it, others will too.
Remember: If You Cant Turn Yourself On, You Cant Turn Anyone Else On!
Final Thoughts and Instruction
Take your time with the exercises. No need to rush. The information you put
into your personal profile is for the rest of your life so make sure your answers
are well thought out and meaningful.
56
As with any change you make in your life, it takes three months for it to become a
habit, and one year to make it a permanent change.
Theres going to be trial and error as you navigate your way through the
dating waters, and explore who you are, what you like (and what youll never
again settle for in a relationship!) Its going to happen. But with time, practice,
patience and growth you will see positive change. You will see change in you
and change in the way men respond to you.
Turn Yourself On to Turn Him On

I am a firm believer in the notion that you have to turn yourself on before you
can turn anyone on whether it be a potential employer, a cute guy, or an
important new client.
You dont need the perfect Victoria Secret body type to attract Mr. Wonderful.
You dont need to be perfect in your mannerisms or the moves you make in the
bedroom. You dont need to make more money, or become a Rachel Ray-like
cook in order to become worthy of that perfect guy.
Perfection in relationshipsas in lifeis about the imperfectly, perfect fit. Its
about loving who you are (even when you burn dinner that you worked so
hard to prepare), or how you look (even when youre bloated and havent yet
had your first cup of coffee).
57
Exercise Three and Four: The Awesome You, Awesome

Him Lists
Here is my next assignment to youIn addition to the Brain Dumping exercise
and the boundaries workbook I already laid out for you to complete, I want you
to begin each week by making two important lists.
The first list is going to be all about youwhat makes you unique, awesome
and irreplaceable. The second list is all about himthat amazing guy that is
just waiting to meet you!
So lets dig right in and start with the first listwhy youre awesome, a catch,
and a total fox.
You may have to dig deep. You may have to reach into that place within
yourself that youve accidentally abandoned, let go of, and altogether
forgotten about because this list is all about you, and the unique, uncanny
traits you have that make you so irresistible!
(It took me time to really get to know myself and realize why Im awesome but
once you can really believe you are awesome and own it, thats when the right
kind of guy that you want will come into your life!)
Start by jotting down the big, noticeable, right-off-the-bat things that people
notice about you. It could be your niceness, your laugh, or your vibe that
always seems to put others at ease.
58
Write down the following: Im awesome because List everything from the
color of your cascading long hair or your adorable pixie cut, to your quick wit
sense of humor. Then dig deeper. This may be where you are lost for words,
and if thats the case, then you are really in need of this exercise!
It could be that you have the uncanny knack for making your friends feel
beautiful inside and out, or that you make a killer red velvet cake. It could be
that youre an awesome rower, or that you love salsa dancing, and can make a
fool out of yourself on the dance floor without caring what others think.
If youre stuck wondering what makes you so amazing, here are a few to get
you started:
Im proactive (I bought this book which means I go after what I
want!)
People care about me I have friends and family in my life that love
me, support me and are positive influences.
Im generous and giving.
I care about others.
I have a great sense of humor.
I am passionate about the things in my life that make me happy,
and love living life to the fullest!
59
Then with this list I want you to print it out and read it to yourself in the mirror
EVERY day. You can even tape it to your bathroom mirror and read it while you
brushing your teeth in the morning and night.
I want you to own these awesome things about yourself. Once you say each of
these awesome things about yourself with great confidence and you REALLY
believe them, its time for list number two.
This list is about what you want from a man. Dont focus on superficial things
but real thingsreal qualities in a man that you want (loyalty, sense of humor,
thoughtfulness, a generous spirit, etc).
So, in other words, dont focus on what you want him to look like, how much
money youd like him to make, or focus on his body. Aim for ten qualities, if not
more. Here are some examples to get you started:
Reliable I want a man who I can depend on and is reliable;
Caring I want a man who cares about others and has a good heart;
Family OrientedHe is close with his family, and acts considerate to his
family members, neighbors, friends, etc.
Sense of humortakes life seriously, but sees the lighter side of
situations and enjoys living life with humor.
Supportiveencouraging of the things in my life thats important, and
60
supports me through the good and bad.

When you are done with this list, print it out and paste it right beside your first
list and look at it every morning right after you read your list out loud. I dont
want you to take this list and use it as ammunition to be completely rigid and
cut guys off thirty seconds after meeting them.
I want you to use this list as a gauge for letting awesome men into your life.
Now that you know you are awesome, you can see the good ones more clearly.
And when you put your mind to it, I promise thisyoull find THE ONE quicker
than you can even right now, in this moment, imagine it!
Asking the Right Questions
When on dates instead of focusing on questions like, Does he want to get
married, youll now use your new and improved self-assured mindset to ask
the right questions, and the ones that really matter!
Ask yourself questions like: Is he caring, Is he honest, and Does he make
me feel good about myself? Look for these kinds of examples when getting
to know him instead of thinking about how many kids he wants or whether or
not he has a history of diabetes.
I have a male friend who didnt love the dating process. It wasnt because
he didnt enjoy getting to know someone, or that he was timid about giving
someone new a chancein fact, he was one of the most giving, trusting guys I
know! The problem was, every time he did go on a date with a woman, she was
asking him the wrong questions.
61
During an otherwise enjoyable conversation during dinner his date would

always (and inevitably) ask how many children he wanted, why he was still
single, or how long he planned on dating until he wanted to get married.
For guys, this is a major buzz kill, because that kind of conversation isnt how
guys work. Conversations that start with, How many kids do you want, when
you dont even know the other persons last name or family history isnt about
two people connecting, but about one persons need to make it to the finish
line as quickly as possible.
So why not ask the right questions, like how do you need to be loved?
or What are the most important qualities in a partner for you? As the
relationship progresses, keep asking questions and communicating: This is
what I learned from my most recent relationship, and Id love to move forward
with our relationship by doing/not doing
When you keep the dialog open (without cornering your partner with
ultimatums or pressure to marry fast and furiously) youll enjoy the ride, while
understanding how men work!
Its All About Values!
Being authentic and real happens once you open up and start seeing others
around you as uniquely and refreshingly different instead of wrong. The
more that you get to know yourself, the more understanding, receptive and
accepting you can be of others differences. And ultimately, the easier it will be
to get results.
62
So what are values, really?

Your personal values provide an internal reference for what is good, beneficial,
important, useful, beautiful, desirable, constructive, etc. Values generate
behavior and help guide you in your own behavior, thought process and
actions. They are the why behind why you do what you do.
But before you can meet that perfect guy who will allow you to achieve that
amazing, mind blowing relationship youve wanted since before you can
remember, you have to be crystal clear about what youre looking forand
ensure that your values and hismatch up!
So why are evaluating your values so important? In a nutshell, it can help you
with the following:
1. Be more open to others (especially men)
2. Act less guarded and defensive
3. Not emotionally react when you feel your ego gets bruised
4. Become more empathetic to others who have different values then you (and
open yourself up to many, many opportunities in love and your career!)
5. Not be so angry or frustrated with others
6. Be your authentic real self
63
7. Have a strong character that men are instantly attracted to!

Only when a woman has a strong sense of her core personal values and
only when a woman can truly put her most authentic self forwardcan she
generate the behaviors that attract the man shes been looking for! Thats how
attraction works, and frankly, thats the inherent factor hes turned on by!
64
Exercise Five: Discovering Your Values and Owning

Them
The more you know about you, the more authentic and real you can be!
Being authentic and real happens once you open up and start seeing
others around you as different instead of wrong. The more that you get to
know yourself, the more understanding and accepting you can be of others
differences and the easier it will be to get results.
There are some questions below that are going to help you discover how you
think, feel and explore what exactly your core values are.
They arent tough questions, or meant to trick you. They are actually very easy
questions about a great topic that you are very familiar with, YOU?
The questions were also developed to help you discover where you are and
where you want to go in your life and with men.
Please take your time and really think about these answers. Again, they are
for younot for anyone else. Put some thought into them most importantly
Have Fun learning about yourself!
Instructions
1. Answer questions in their correct order. If you feel you need more time
to think about a question, you are free to pause and think about what
you want to write.
65
2. Be real with yourself. No one is judging you and no one will ever see
these answers.
Discover Your Values
1. Look forward 20 years you are attending a function where
someone is giving a speech about YOU! What would you want them
to say?
2. If time and resources were not a concern, describe the things you
long to do.
66
3. How would you define a true leader? What are the qualities this
leader embodies?
4. If you knew that you could not fail at what you really wanted to do,
what would that be?
67
5. Think about two or three people you know who really inspire you.
Who are they and what about them is inspiring?
6. Whats missing in your personal and professional life? What would

make your personal and work life more fulfilling?
68
7. What are the biggest changes in your personal life and with men
you want to make over:
a.) The next 3 Years?
b.)The next 3 Months?
69
8. What activities have meaning and purpose for you?
9. What are your biggest personal roadblocks to your personal and

professional success?
70
10.
What is your commitment to eliminating these constraints?
11. Of the things you start, what is the percentage of things you
finish?
71
12. What are you most satisfied with in your work and personal
life right now? What are you least satisfied with in your work and
personal life right now?
13. What are your 3 greatest accomplishments or achievements up

to today?
72
14.
What is the hardest thing in your life that youve had to:
a) Overcome?
b) Accept?
73
15. What two steps could you immediately take that would make
the biggest difference in your current situation (in any area of your
life)?
16.
What do you believe in? Yourself, spiritually, God? Explain how
and why:
74
17. What kinds of things in your current and previous workplace

environments drive you crazy? Your dating life? What else in life
drives you crazy? (Really allow yourself to go to town and bitch
here ?).
18. What, in your personal and/or dating life, would you change, if
you could wave a magic wand?
75
Owning Your Values

So now that you have filled out all these questions, what are you supposed to
do with the answers?
The first thing you should do is read them. Read them, add to them and tweak
them. See what you have written and get to know your strengths, weaknesses,
likes, dislikes, wants and needs.
NOTE: I guarantee each time you read it you will have something to add to it
and you will read it differently. In fact you will feel different as well. You will
have more confidence, more strength and a deeper understanding of yourself.
I want to you to go through your responses and start to look for your personal
core values.
They will be sprinkled throughout the document and once you learn how to
see them you will pick them out instantly.
How To Identify Values
For example:
Answer to question #16:
It drives me crazy when people waste their time having small talk with others
in the office. It would be better if people did their work and then socialized
76
after.
Values: If you look at this answer you will see a core value is I value a work
hard, play hard mentality. Having a clear line between work and play.
Go back to each question, look at your response and see the deeper core value
within your response.
You will find out very interesting things about what you value and dont value.
Youll find out about yourself!
Use this deeper understanding of yourself to also recognize that others around
you have different values than you. It will help you not get so angry with
others but have a deeper understanding for their actions and hold you more
accountable for yours.
What Are Personal Values?
Personal Values provide an internal reference for what is good, beneficial,
important, useful, beautiful, desirable, constructive, etc. Values generate
behavior and help solve common human problems for survival by comparative
rankings of value; the results of which provide answers to questions of why
people do what they do and in what order they choose to do them.
The Importance of Clearly Defining Your Core Values
Defining our values gives us purpose. When you dont know or you havent
clearly defined your values, you end up drifting along in life. Instead of
77
basing your decisions on an internal compass, you make choices based on

circumstances and social pressures.
You end up trying to fulfill other peoples expectations instead of your own.
And before you know it, life has passed you by and you havent even started
to live. Trying to be someone else and living without core values is downright
exhausting and leaves you feeling empty and shiftless. Conversely, living a
life in line with your core values brings purpose, direction, happiness, and
wholeness.
Defining our values prevents you from making bad choices. Perhaps you
have a vague idea about what you value. But if you havent clearly defined your
values, you can end up making choices that conflict with them. And when your
actions conflict with your values, the result is unhappiness and frustration.
Defining our values gives us confidence. Ive noticed that when I take the
time to really think and meditate upon what I value and then write those
things down, Im more likely to have the courage and confidence to make
choices based on those values. Theres something about actually writing down
your values that makes you more committed to living them.
Defining our values makes life simpler. When youre sure of your core values,
decision-making becomes much, much simpler. When faced with a choice, you
simply ask yourself: Does this action align with my values? If it does, you do it.
If it doesnt, you dont. Instead of fretting over whats the best thing do to, and
standing frozen in times of crisis, you simply let your internal compass guide
you.
78
Overall having an understanding of your core personal values will help you
attract men, date men, be desired by men and surround yourself with kind,
loving and incredible men! Why? Because when you know your values you
can:
1. Be more open to others (especially men);
2. Act less guarded and defensive;
3. Not emotionally react when you feel your ego gets bruised;
4. Be more empathetic to others who have different values then you;
5. Not be so angry or frustrated with others;
6. Be your authentic real self;
7. Have a strong character that men are instantly attracted to!
Only a woman with a strong sense of his core personal values and a man who
can truly put his most authentic self forward can generate the behaviors that
attract men.
Congrats on completing the exercises in this chapter!
79
Email: insider@winggirlmethod.com
80
Section Recap
Learn what you want by reminding yourself of the qualities that make
you awesome! You have to turn yourself on before you can turn anyone
else on!
In relationshipsas in lifethere is always a silver lining. Use your life
today (whether youre single or in a relationship) as an opportunity to get
to know yourself. Focus on you by learning what you like and want, what
makes you happiest and what qualities you need in a partner.
When you know what you want, you can begin to attract the right type
of guy to you. Learn what you want by staying connected to your core
values, desires and needs for your life, and in a partner!
81
Chapter Two: The Evolution of Attraction

Dear Marni,
Ive been single for about four years, and have been actively on the dating scene
now for a year and a half. I meet guys all the time, but have a really hard time
reading their signals. Im happy with who I am, think I lead a pretty full life with
my career and social life but every time I meet a guy, I rarely get to the point of
attraction that lasts past the first meeting or date.
Usually well have a great conversation, and hell ask for my number, but well text
back and forth and then it just fizzles out. How do you build up the momentum
when getting to know a guy and read his signals? How can I tell if hes interested in
me as a potential girlfriend or just as a friend?
Ill admit, Im pretty frustrated at this point because it feels like Im lost my radar
when it comes to dating and engaging guys from the get-go. Help!
~Lindsey
Dear Lindsey,
It sound like you need a super shot of confidence in the dating department,
because if you dont believe in you, how do you expect a guy to? If youre a little
hesitant about where a mere initial conversation will go with a guy from the first
time you talk to him, you may be giving off a vibe that that you dont quite know
what you want him to do because youre sitting back waiting for him to make the
82
next move.
As women, we think guys should know that were interested in them because we
laugh at their jokes, or we say Thank you after they take the liberty of buying us
a drink, but the truth is, most guys dont work like that. Men approach us or ask
for our number when they feel like its safe aka: they wont get rejected and face
humiliation.
Theyre not mind readers, and they dont necessarily know when we want them to
make their movewhether its to ask us out on a date, or lean in to kiss us. So, if a
guy or guys are asking for your number and it fizzles out after a few days of texting,
youre using it in the wrong way, and for the wrong reasons.
Texting should be for making plans, not chatting all day and night. You still want
to convey that you have a busy, full life. You dont want to text him for a six hour
period and make him think that you have nothing else to do, because thats not
what attracts him.
What attracts him to make a bolder move is a woman who stops the conversation,
and says, So, when are you going to ask me out? The clearer you can let a guy
know that youre into him, the easier it will be for him to make that move you want
him to make, and keep the momentum going for attraction that continues on and
on and on!
~Marni
Youre a woman, which means that youre processing information, thinking
about your feelings and acting on your emotions at all times. With the
83
emotions of a relationship, come the good and bad. I gave him my number
yesterday, so why hasnt he called, Why is getting him to tell me about his day
after he gets home from work such a big deal?
Seriously, how hard is it to turn off the TV and just talk like a normal person?
Or Weve been together for so long. Whats taken him so long to put a ring on
it?
But thats not how men work.
He isnt like you (no matter how amazing, or different of a guy he may be) so
why are you forcing him to be?
Learning Something About Men From a Classic Cartoon About Women
To give you a quick snapshot of what this chapter is all about, it can be best
summed up by a popular cartoon, and how when you hold onto unrealistic
expectations about men, you may be waiting a long time!
Its the classic understanding men cartoon and while the illustrations vary
from artist to artist, the snapshot always says something like, Waiting for the
perfect man to show up and the picture is always of a woman sitting on a
park benchwho has now turned into a skeleton. Its a classic depiction of
what women expect, good for a laugh, and pretty freakin accurate!
That perfect man may be a figment of your imagination, but a man who is a
perfect fit for you is not. Hes out therea guy who gets you in a way no one
84
else can, who is inspired by you, whose libido starts thumpin and pumpin
each time he thinks of you and who cant stop fantasizing about youso stop
passing him by!
The reason so many women find drama in their relationships with men is
because from the beginning they project a huge fantasy about what they think
their boyfriend (or husband) should be, should do, should act like, and how he
should treat her at all times.
She obsesses. She looks at every aspect of what he said to her, how he said it
and what he possibly meant by what he said under a microscope. Figuratively
speaking, she beats the relationshipand him, (that amazing guy overall)
with a dead horse. In a nutshell, she sacrifices what she has with him as it
naturally is, in order to mold him into that perfect guy.
Listen upyoure not perfect eitherso stop with the one strike, youre out
rule and give him a chance to be him. Give yourself and him the chance to
show him you have empathy for his faults, and youre going to stick around
(despite his flaws, nervousness or even tacky bachelor pad apartment dcor) to
see where it goes!
Approaching a woman is terrifying to me. At work, Im so confident. I can
walk up to a room of board members, or pitch a proposal on the fly to a
Fortune 500 company and win anyone over. But get me one-on-one with a
woman, and my palms start sweating and I freeze. - Tom
Read every word of this chapter because when you do, youll learn how and
why you need to put an end to unrealistic expectations on your relationships
85
and instead love him for who he is, and how he makes you feel when youre
with him.
Just imagine how empowering it will be to understand why hes into you the
way he is, and why he acts the way he does (so think of another way to spend
all of your free time since youll no longer have to obsess, worry and wonder
about what hes thinking!)
The whole point of understanding how men work is so you can appreciate
them for who they are, and how great and amazing they are. When you
do, youll stop projecting monstrous expectations on them and theyll feel
naturally at ease in your presence!
As a result, the both of you can be happier than ever in the relationships you
have or if youre single, will soon have!
From Brain Surgery to the Bedroom
Think of men (and your relationship with them) in the same way a brain
surgeon has to learn about the brain before he is cleared to operate on one.
You cant dissect the brain before going to med school, and you cant operate
on someones skull before passing your medical exam.
You would never permit just anybody to operate on your brain, and you
certainly wouldnt allow anyone to operate on you without them knowing how
the brain responds, reacts and works, would you?
86
Youd never allow an actor, your Uncle Ralph or your little brother to perform
brain surgery if they didnt know everything there was to know about the
frontal lobe, and how to repair the damage done to the front of your brain.
So, in the same way that a brain surgeon needs to know about a brain inside and
out (in order to work with it and make it better than ever!) you need to know all
about how men work (to make your relationship with them better than ever!)
You cant go into a first date with a nice, approachable guy by being
standoffish. You cant possibly keep that dinner conversation going during
your first date (that he worked hard to plan, by the way) when you cut him off
as soon as he stutters for a moment in nervousness.
And if you begin your first meeting (over coffee at your local Starbucks, at
a romantic restaurant, meeting for the first time in person after weeks of
chatting online, or grabbing a drink with your cute neighbor) by asking about
his familys health history, why his last relationship ended and how much
money he has in savingsyoure not giving this nice, amazing, wonderful guy
a fighting chance.
Have you ever watched an episode of The Bachelor?
Its a classic train wreck to watch, but oh-so-tempting. The guy that they
choose every season is always handsome, always charming, and always has a
great job. Hes seemingly, from the outside, and on paper, a catch.
But there are two problems with The Bachelor. For one, the classic fairy tale
scenarios and environment they put the bachelor and the contestants he gets
87
to choose from are totally unrealistic.

The network jets the finalists off to exotic getaways, and the girls always
exclaim that they love this bachelorwho they really know nothing about
until they are left, without a rose, heartbroken and crying hysterically while
being driven away in a limo.
The second problem with this show is that while it does bring on
entertainment value, it depicts single women as desperate, clingy and
superficial. I can remember one season where one of the girls went up to the
Bachelor and said something like, Look, I want to get married. If you dont
want to get married and have kids, like now, then I shouldnt even be here.
It doesnt matter what the guys agenda is. He could be someone that is
looking for the one to spend his life with, or even that guy who is dying to get
married and start a family (trust me, there are lots of guys out there like that!)
but no mannot even the ones who are dying to get married, will respond
favorably to this type of statementbecause thats not how men work.
Its not that hes afraid of marriage or long term commitment with this kind of
approachits that he wants to take his time getting to know a womanany
womanbefore he even thinks about marrying her.
In the case of ABCs The Bachelor, he didnt even know her last name when
she gave him the ultimatum. It boxes him in, and makes him run for the hills.
And in this situation (which didnt create a match made in heaven but was
entertaining to watch) she pushed him to say, Well, you should probably go
then. I dont know whats in store. I dont know what the future will bring.
88
Even if The Bachelor example is an exaggeration, are you guilty of giving guys
an ultimatum?
Here are some classic relationship killers that can ruin a goodif not great
thing and send you spiraling into a cloud of obsessive thought (when there
really wasnt a problem to begin with):
Our last date was amazing! Now, it seems off. Whats he thinking? Whats
wrong?
Why cant he just hang out with me and his buddies together? Why does he
have to treat his guy time like sacred space?
I tell my friends absolutely everything about you, but your friends dont
seem to know much about me. Are you embarrassed or something?
So, where do you think this is going? Why dont you talk about our future
more?
Whats on your mind? What happened in your day? What are you thinking
right now?
You seem quiet. Whats going on?
Ive been sending him signals that Im interested, but hes not responding.
Am I just wasting my time here?
89
That amazing, kind, funny, good-intentions, genuine guy (that you just had
an amazing date with) needs a fighting chance. Dont confront him in an
aggressive manner, or set the bar so high that he cant possibly meet it. Dont
put on grumpy face so he wont even approach you to say hello!
Work with your feminine edge by giving him a chance and being accepting
of who he is, because when you meet a sweet guy you makes you laugh and
feel good about yourself (and in a way you havent felt in a long time), the
beginning of your relationship may go something like this:
If he works in your office, hell step up his game and play his cards right. Hell
pay attention to your conversation with your co-worker as you gush over the
flower arrangement she just got, or as you tell her what your favorite kind of
cupcake is from the bakery down the streetbut he may not know when to
make his move (thats when your approach comes into play!) and it may not be
until youve told him in an obvious way how important things like that are to
you!
(If youre rolling your eyes right now, thats your resistance talking, and its
because you are starting to understand that the expectation youve put on
guys in the past isnt working. Its not getting you very far, and thats because
men are men. Theyre not us.
Theyre not obsessing or thinking about the future in the same way we are.
Instead (and this is a good thing) theyre thinking about how gorgeous you are,
and how lucky they are to be with you!
Pay attention to what he says to you. For example, if youre on a quick break
90
from work and he comes up to you and says, So, are you going to happy hour
after work? and you say Yep, I need a cocktail with the day Ive had! and he
smiles, great. He wants you to be there, so hell have another opportunity to
possibly work up his courage to talk to you and learn about who you really are
outside of work.
But while youd love him to jump on that and say, Hey, wanna blow off the
happy hour and grab some dinner instead? so many guys wont. Its not you
its the fear of rejection.
So uncross those arms, smile in response to what hes said, and give him a
confident dose of lingering eye contact and light, flirtatious touching on his
arm to show him youre interested!
But it doesnt mean hell always act and behave just as you need him to act,
want him to, or especially act as you would actbecause thats not how men
work. Hes not a mind reader, a fortune teller, or a wizard.
Hes a visually-inclined, remote-holding, will-love-you-if-you-let-him-do-it-hisway kind of guy. He wants the go-ahead to make his next move with zero risk
of rejection, so help a brotha out!
Hes not a woman, so stop expecting him to be. He doesnt want to know who
his soul mate is the second he meets her. He wants the thrill of the chase, he
wants to have a sense of freedom and excitement. His priority is thinking about
how to make you laugh (rather than thinking about how many children youll
have).
91
He wants to winwith you, with his life, with his goals and dreams and career,
and not to be criticized by it. He wants to be able to be who he is, and do what
he does, with you by his side.
And the sooner you get this, that he is who he is, and love him for it (all of it)
and stop forcing him to be everything else you need in life to be happy, the
sooner youll be on your way to the best relationship of your life.
Heres the kicker, the sooner you take him for who he isthe sooner hell
appreciate you for who you are, too (and thats when true relationship bliss
starts!)
I have a pattern with relationships, which seems to happen eventually
with every woman Ive been with. The sex is amazing. The conversation is
awesome. But ultimately, I become that nice guy that no woman respects,
and while Im just trying to make her happy, shes trying to turn me into
someone else. - Jack
An Iron is Only an Iron (So Stop Expecting It to Be a Vacuum, Too!)
A while back I attended a seminar called Understanding Men. The reason I
went to this seminar was because I was working with thousands of men all
over the world but I realized I didnt know very much about how they worked,
what they thought or how they are biologically constructed, and in order to
help women successfully, I knew I needed to get to the root of men.
For the past ten years I had been coaching men on how women worked,
thought and acted and I realized I needed to educate myself on the other side.
92
So I signed up for a seminar called Understanding Men run by Alison

Armstrong through her program called PAX (a program every woman should
attend if she wants to have successful communication, appreciation and love
for the opposite sex).
I went to her three day seminar and was blown away by what I learned about
men. What I learned more than anything else, is that men are different than us
biologically speaking, but they are similar to us, too.
I think as women the similarities we have with men gets lost in translation
deep down, men and women have the same values, the same overall goals,
and the same relationship madness. Just like us, they want to be desired,
loved, respected and appreciated for who they are.
Pay attention here, because once you realize that guy who is about to gain the
courage to ask you out is more similar to you than not, youll make the whole
dating game easier for yourself, and for him.
Once you remember that he cant be the only thing in your life to make you
happy, but if youre already happy on your own, hell enhance your happiness,
then youve just become the woman of his dreamsand consequently, set
yourself apart from all the women of his past!
One of the key things that I took away from this three day seminar was told on
the first day.
The speaker started telling us about this amazing iron. This iron was top of the
line and by todays standards, the best iron on the market. It could take out
93
creases from a wrinkled shirt in three seconds time.

It turned on by itself and it shut off automatically so you never have to worry
about a fire hazard, during an absent-minded fog. Just when you were
hooked on this iron and in love with what this iron could bring to your life,
the speaker went on to say, So you have this perfect Iron.
Would you ever expect this iron to be able to microwave your food, or mow
your lawn, or cut through huge slabs of meat?
No, because thats not what an iron does. An iron transforms wrinkly pants and
shirts into crisp articles of clothing heavenand no matter how perfect this
iron may be and how crisp looking it turns your shirts into, it cannot possibly
fulfill every household cleaning need you have. It is what it is, and its an iron.
Nothing more.
Why force him to fulfill every emotional need you have? Men are built perfectly
the way they are, so take it or leave it. While he may not listen to you as
intently as your best friend does, ask yourself: Why do I need him to? Hes
perfect as is, just like that Iron.
So you when you get frustrated at what hes not doing perfectly, when you
cant understand his obsession over Fantasy Football, why he refuses to get
rid of that stained t-shirt hes had since college, or why he never seems to
remember when you make plans for a double date with your friends, its not
him thats disappointing you.
Its your expectations of him (which can never be met by the way) thats
94
disappointing you.
The good news, however, is that you have control over that!
The speaker from this seminar went on to say that our expectations is what
we are doing to men every single day. Its creating drama and ultimately
our unhappiness. While they may be the best iron on the market, we force
unrealistic (and truth be told, unfair) expectations on them.
The result? A unsatisfied single status, unresolved feelings and frustration for
the opposite sex.
Men work wonderfully as men but they work horribly as women, mind readers
or knowing how exactly to fulfill your knight in shining armor fantasy. Do you
want him to listen to you as intensely as your best friend does? Thats not how
men work.
Why not call up your best friend for a gab session, and go back to the guy in
your life when you need something fixed, or you want to be wrapped up in his
masculine build, or you want to have amazing sexbecause thats what guys
do best.
Do you want to be saved by Prince Charming and expect the guy in your life
to know what you need without you having to say a word? Thats not how
men work, so save yourself firstby being self-assured, happy with who you
are, and energetic about your life as it is today, and then hell show up ready to
bring even more happiness to your life!
95
Men are men, and no one is better at being men than they are.
This kind of information along with what Ive learned from the hundreds of
thousands of men Ive coached in the last decade has really educated me on
how men work. Men are simple. Theyre visual.
They know what they want, and love the thrill of the chase. They are focused
on their most immediate needs (work deadlines, food, sex) while we, as
women, are hardwired multi-taskers.
Men are competitors by nature, while we love to be pursued. They love their
guy time. They show us what they like right off the bat, and we analyze, obsess
and talk our relationships to death.
So, if telling your guy how he should act and behave isnt workingthat is,
hes not responding to you when you order him or nag him to do something
hes telling you right in that moment what he wants.
Its not complicated, and its not meant to be tricky. Take him for what he is and
who he is, and you will begin to have a better, more satisfying relationship than
ever before! Here are some tips to help you move in the right direction and
release those expectations that are blocking you from a happier relationship:
Realize how much he loves you for you. Do you want to prevent
feelings of resentment in your relationship? This one mentality move
will save you from hours of agony, and months of arguingsimply
reciprocate how he treats you in the most loving and understanding way
possible!
96
Think about it like thiswould you tolerate a guy who disrespected you
or ignored your needs? Would you fall head over heels for a man who
didnt make you feel like a gorgeous woman? Would you be turned on to
someone who didnt add to your life in a positive way?
Begin thinking about men from his point of view and your entire love life
will drastically changewithout a doubt.
Do you appreciate your guys manly shoulders, his wacky sense of
humor or his work ethic? Anddo you tell him, or even better yet, show
him how much you love every inch of his body, mind and soul? (He
needs positive feedback as much as you do!)
I saw these very funny (but very honest and true) tweets from random
guys answering the question: Why are you single? Here were some of
their answers:
Im single because I have a great jawline that no one notices;
Dating scares me, and giving someone my heart terrifies me.
Women totally terrify me; I dont know how to get to know them on a
friend level, let alone on a flirtation or boyfriend level. Every relationship
Ive had has ended because while she loved the way I made her feel, she
didnt love the person I really was. She wanted to change me.
The funny, kind and thoughtful guy youre with (or if youre single, soon
97
will be with) deserves respect, love and adoration. If youve found a great
guy, hes not asking for much. Hes simple.
He has basic needs with the biggest one being this: Love me for me,
and dont try to change me. When you keep this in mind, youve got
relationship satisfaction and understanding men locked up!
Take him for face value. Its easy to worry or obsess over what your guy
could be thinking, is probably thinking or hopefully thinking about you,
your body, or your future together. But heres the thingwhen you get
intense and contemplative about your relationship, he can most likely
feel it.
While hes not a mind reader, he can feel the intensity, the pressure and
the expectations youre putting on him. So, if he you ask him how his day
was, and he tells you it wasnt bad, not too stressful, leave it alone.
Take him and what he says for face value. Dont keep probing him for
answersbecause once he has some downtime to relax, and isnt
interrogated or feel under the radar, hell know that youre loving him for
who he is.
And then presto! Hell feel comfortable and freakin great with the
company he surrounds himself with, which is YOU! By dinnertime, hell
have opened up and spilled more details about his day.
Stop looking for the hidden meaning in everything he says. If you
understand men, that means that you dont have an obsessive need to
98
worry about what hes thinking but not saying to you.

It also means that you dont feel like you have to look, feel and act
perfect all the time, because youre secure enough with yourself to show
him who you really areimperfections and all. So drop wondering what
the hidden meaning really is in himguys are simple. Were the one who
complicate things!
Enjoy bonding through activity, not promises. Whether youre single
and out at your favorite hot spot hoping to meet an amazing, funny
guy, or youre in a three year relationship, its easy to steer away from the
moment and head straight into a future mentality.
I know because Ive been there, and so have a ton of other woman I know
personally.
The thing is, if youre obsessing over when hes going to propose
marriage, or when hes going to suggest that the two of you move in
together (and as each day goes by that he doesnt, youre getting fed up
with this amazing guy), youre moving away from a deeper connection,
and also into the dangerous lost zone.
The lost zone is when youre thinking so much about your future with
this one, special, amazing guy that you stop asking the right questions to
yourself.
In the lost zone, you stop asking yourself what you want, and if the guy
youre with is the guy truly right for you.
99
So, if youre solely focused on the thought, When is he going to put a

ring on it? Why hasnt he asked me to marry him yet? stop. Rewind, and
recharge that self-empowerment battery that you need to ask yourself
what you want.
What do you need? What makes you happiest? Then, start focusing on
enjoying the momentevery moment that you, as a couple have, and
enjoy the good stuff along the way.
Strengthen your bond through activity (and Im not solely talking about
sex here). Whats really important arent those promises of proposal, or
meeting his parents, or hitting relationship milestone after relationship
milestone.
Its learning and growing together as a couple through events and
activitiestaking a class together, training for an upcoming marathon,
or taking a trip to a nearby city or town. None of these things cost much,
and they can easily help you connect and enjoy the amazing guy youre
with (which can easily be forgotten when youre obsessing over the
future!
Enjoy doing those things you love independently, then come home
missing him! This last tip is the most practical and when you actually
follow it and commit to it in your relationship, it can offer the most
rewards! Heres the thingmost guys have experienced a girlfriend or
spouse (Im not pointing fingers here) tell them what they cant do.
You cant go play golf today, I need help with household stuff, or You
100
cant go out with your buddies tonight, because I thought you would
want to come home to me. I made special plans for dinner and rented
that movie you love.
The thing is, whether you are a little bit guilty of making him feel guilty
when he wants some time away, or youve completely ditched out on
your friends for the man in your life, its not pretty.
And when you ignore your life that existed before he came along (and
dont give him breathing room with his buddies from time to time)
your entire relationship can cause the both of you to feel like youre
suffocating.
Everyone needs alone timeand goes just like the saying: Absence
makes the heart grow fonder. Its true, and when it comes to your
relationship, nothing will make him want to come home than the feeling
that hes free to go off, drink a beer or two with his buddies and have the
trust from you that its totally ok for him to do sono guilt trip attached.
101
The Caveman Effect

Recently I got an email from a male client I worked with. Like I do with all my
clients, I asked him a few questionswhat he wants in a woman, what hes
looking for in a relationship, and what hes willing give her.
When I asked him to finish the following sentence, it resonated with me
because its what so few women realize when theyre out there and waiting
to be approached (but arent). I asked him to answer this sentence: Women
are
His answer in a nutshell, was this: Women are unpredictable, and difficult to
read. This client is not the exception to the rulehe is the rule. Hes what most
guys feel but dont say, and its about the mixed signals and subconscious
language women dont know theyre sending out (which youll learn about in
the book!)
I have worked with men who tell me over and over again, I dont know what
happened, but the passion fizzled. She seemed so happy, and affectionate and
into me at the beginning, but eventually (and this has happened more than
once) she stopped taking care of herself, and having a life of her own outside
of the relationship.
She wasnt happy with anything I tried to do to help her, and I wasnt turned on
by the constant downer I came home to.
Why do we, as women, spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on anti-
102
aging creams, quick weight loss pills and Botox treatments?

Whats the real secret to getting your boyfriend to commit to marriage,
and how come some guys never do?
Why wont he stop and ask for directions?
Where does chemistry between a man and woman really come from?
For many women who want to become (and stay) attractive to men, it could
seem like a mysteryespecially if youve ever had a relationship fizzle out in
the pastand havent we all?
What are the things the things that really turn guys onand why do they?
Why do some women seem to get their boyfriends forever satisfied while you
may worry that you wont be able to?
His Attraction Triggers
The way that men workthe reason they like to hold the remote, come to
your rescue when youve got a flat tire on your hands, or have a tendency
to become jealous when you form a friendship with your male co-worker is
because hes evolutionarily predisposed to.
I want to be confident, charismatic, charming and interesting. I want
women to notice me, but it seems that I always miss the boat. I get into
the friend zone because I dont know how to flirt with women, crank up the
103
sex appeal and make them feel desired by me. I wish I could know whether
a woman likes the way I look and then confidently walk up to her, ask her
name and buy her a drink. - Mark
Hes hardwired to have attraction triggers, or in other words, whats hes
biologically predisposed to be turned onto in a woman (which are very
different from those things you find attractive in a mate)and its designed
that way for procreation, sexual satisfaction and overall happiness and security
in a partner! Here are some examples of how his attraction triggers may be
affecting your love life:

Hes turned on by your youthful, glowing skin and pouty lips (especially
when you apply that red lipstick)because that signals to him that
youre fertile.

Hes turned on to your natural beauty and symmetrybecause being
with a beautiful woman is a status thing for him and satisfies that
need in him to feel like hes won out his competitors. (I know youre an
independent woman, but just go with it)

Hes turned on by your happy, energetic facial expressions and sensual
body languagebecause when you are happy and content with
yourself, hes under less pressure to provide that happiness for you! When
you walk and talk confidently and are proud of your body and your mind,
youre a catch just what he needs to feel satisfied in his quest to catch
the perfect mate.
As with any relationships success and longevity, its a two-way street, but men
104
work simply, and whether its a man from the caveman days, or right here in
2013, their root causes of attraction in women stem from the following:
Youth and good health;
Passion, and happiness;
Aesthetic beauty;
Femininity;
Fertility;
Faithfulness.
The number one thing to understand is that men are just men, and once you
know what makes them tick, what drives them to notice you despite the fact
that youre surrounded by dozens of other beautiful women, and to commit to
marriage is based on something Im going to call the caveman effect.
So here it is, the evolutionary roots of kooky, frustrating and baffling men
behavior spelled out and knocked out in a language you can understand! Youll
quickly learn why he gets instantly turned on every time you wear that pencil
length skirt with your knee high boots, why he always gets turned on when
you wear his t-shirt to bed and why he loves your long, cascading hair.
Its why he gets turned on when you need his help with the leaky kitchen
105
faucet (and refuses to call the plumber), and why its in his nature to get a little
jealous of your male co-worker that talks to you about art and vegetarianism
(things hell never bond with you over!)
Beauty is important to men. Theyre men. Theyre visual. They need to like what
they see and be aroused by it! But that doesnt mean you have to be a Victoria
Secret model, a size 4, or obsess over your beauty in order to appear beautiful
to him.
Yes, the number one thing that guys tell me when I ask them what they want in
a woman is someone whos attractive, but beauty isnt just about symmetry or
aesthetics. Its also about youthfulness, passion and desire that women bring
to the table.
Have you ever been in a long term relationship or marriage, and at some point,
he began to stop telling you how beautiful you are, or how turned on he is to
you, or how you are the most amazing person in the world?
Most women would give out a Hell yes!
The thing is, its not so much about your natural beauty than it is about how
happy you seem with him, how much you desire him, and how you make him
feel that matters most.
Hes not going to say it because thats not how men workbut if your sex
life has become less passionate, and if the spontaneity is lacking, hes feeling
differently about the relationship.
106
The compliments youre so used to hearing from him are going to come to a
standstill. The youthfulness and passion you have when he meets you is what
he expects to find in you every single day.
Its a turn-on to be with a woman who loves her life, her body, her friends, her
job, and who is utterly comfortable with who she is. He wants to be a part of
thatyou cant blame him, right?
A positive, self-assured woman is contagious. And evolutionary speaking, it
represents youthfulness, fertility, and ultimately, the chase that men are so
hardwired to crave!
Not happy in your job? Feeling bad about the way you look? Tired of being
stressed out all the time?
All of these things can trigger unhappiness and unattractiveness in your guy
as wellwhich reminds me of the time I was so unhappy that it affected my
relationship with my husband.
It wasnt pretty, and if I didnt work on myself, who knows how it would have
ultimately affected my relationship. Its really easy to get in kind of a funk with
your life, and not realize that when youre unhappy, the first person to be
affected by it is the man in your life.
In my particular situation, I was feeling negative about myself and I brought
it home with me. My sex life was affected. My confidence was affected. My
husband was affectedand as amazing as he was and as much as he wanted
to help me, the only one who could really help me, was me.
107
Its not a turn on to a guyeven the most amazing, thoughtful, and patient
men out thereto be a woman who doesnt have the ability to help herself, to
let her guy in to help her along the way, and to find that happiness, that spark,
that passion he once knew her to have!
But guess what?
When I took the initiative to get some counseling myself (and kick those panic
attacks of mine out of the ballpark) my love life got pretty freakin amazing. My
sex life instantly got back to normal (better than ever, actually) and our bond
as a couple became closer for it.
So, maintain that passion, youthfulness, and happiness today, and every day
and youll see how turned on hell be (and continue to be), and how good
youll feel about yourself. Ready to up the ante and drive any man you meet
wild with desire?
Its not as hard as you think, and heres some easy tips to help you harness
those cavemen cues hes so turned on to and needs in order to be attracted to
you-forever:
Dont pull that classic mistake of losing yourself in the relationship.
This book is loaded with exercises to keep you grounded and fulfilled,
but just by staying connected to your social network of friends, and
keeping going in those activities that have always been a part of your life
is a sure fire way to stay true to who you are before and after Mr. Right
comes around!
108
Dont morph into being a we couple. When you dont have

independence, the attraction can dwindle. The we predicament is easy
to fall intoWe love going to murder mystery dinners! or We love
going to those BYOB painting classes.
Really? Dont you do anything just for you anymore? Set time aside for
that independent, feisty, do-it-cause-you-love-it-and-you-love-your-freetime part of yourself. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and keeps
the attraction going!
I havent been in a relationship for three years, although I want to be in one.
A bit gun shy, I feel comfortable with online dating (sending emails, even
talking on the phone) but because Im a little bit overweight (but working
on losing the weight!), I dont feel confident that how I look will impress a
woman. What I wish women knew is that I need the go-ahead to even say
Hi, Im Eric, before Ill approach you. Id love an outgoing woman to start
the conversation. If she did, I guarantee, Id keep it going. - Eric
The way men work is like thisthey see a woman they want to get into bed,
want to date, or even want to spend the rest of their life with and biologically
speaking, there is a drive in them that knows to win you over, they have to beat
out their competition (from all those other guys who could have you if you let
them).
But over time, after the two of you have become committed to one another
for a period of time (a few months, a few years) and gotten comfortable in the
relationship, he stops doing those things and saying those things you once
relied on.
109
For example, if he used to send you gorgeous bouquets of red roses once a
month, or tell you every time you were together how amazing you are, and it
gradually came to a screeching haltyou may think: Hes not happy with me
like he used to be, or Seriously, I havent heard him tell me thanks for making
dinner in months.
I know I have, and I get hundreds of emails every day from women telling me
this exact story over and over again. It actually reminds me of that Jennifer
Aniston and Vince Vaughn movie, The Breakup.
If youve seen it, then you know that after having their families over for
dinner one night, Vince Vaughns character begins to play a video game when
reluctantly, Jennifer Anistons character starts doing the dishes. She says to
him: I dont need you to do the dishes.
I want you to want to do the dishes! Meaning? You used to bring forth youre
A-game to the relationship and now you dont. I do everything, and youplay
video games.
Well what if I told you that you could change this story and that the next man
you meet would not disappoint you in the same way?
Im pretty sure youd say that was awesome, right?
I want to share an email exchange I had with a woman that Ill call J. J had
filled out the survey that I gave her and one of her answers popped out at me
so I wrote her back asking her to elaborate. The answer was to a question I had
asked her about what help she needed from me to blast through to the next
110
level of success with men.

Here was her response:
Trying to find men to meet and date, and then, I want an upgrade! I seem to
get easily intimidated by a good looking man, so I doubt myself and think, I
dont deserve him. I would like to meet an equal (or close to it). - J
It was a pretty similar response to what many other women write. So I wrote
back to J and said:
My question to you is, when you say you want an equal, what does that mean?
I would love if you could clearly define it for me. When I read this I think
its saying I doubt myself and think Im not good enough for him so I want
another man who also does not think he is good enough for me. - Marni
Here was her response:
When I say I would like to meet an equal, what I mean is that I would love to
meet a man who shares common goals, desires, dreams, motivation, etc. as I
do.
I seem to meet men who put effort into things (their physical appearance,
taking on new challenges to promote personal growth, etc.) for a little bit, and
before long, the man goes into a comfort zone. Once this happens, we seem
to slowly start to grow in different directions (which ends up ultimately pulling
us apart).
111
For example, I am a petite women, and I like a strong manly men. But, my
past would tell you that as time proceeds, these manly men become extremely
overweight (to the point it effects their health..i.e.-high blood pressure, lack of
energy, pains, moodiness etc.) which eventually effects the relationship.
When I look at a man, I want to be physically attracted to him (and I would
hope that when he would look at me, he would be just as attracted to me as I
am to him). I want to find someone who likes him for him as I do. Believe me,
looks are not everythingI totally get that.
I did not marry my ex-husband for his looks as he had all the other qualities
that I found attractive (i.e. trustworthy, fun loving etc.) ...But, there has to be
some physical attraction or it will not work.
So, I believe I have settled with past relationships, and I need to break this
cycle. I know I am worthy of meeting someone with equal qualities/traits as
myself. I would say its just gaining the confidence to do so that I need to learn
to do. - J
I totally understood was J was saying and could literally hear my own past
frustrations in her email plus I know so many other women who make the
same complaint.
So I wrote her the following email:
Jthanks for clarifying. The first thing I want you to know about men is that
they are NOT WOMEN!
112
They dont think the same as us, they dont behave the same as us and they
dont have the same drives as us. Having said that, I work with hundreds of
thousands of men all around the world and I am constantly telling them that if
they want to keep a woman in their life, they cant forget to continue courting
her once theyve got her.
Men tend to think that once they approach, attract and get you that their
work is done. But in reality getting into the relationship is the easy part.
Staying together takes constant work and effortas it does for you, too!
As Im helping men learn this, they also need a little help from you.
Men need guidance from you as their partner, so that they understand what
you want, what is needed and how to continue moving forward. Frustrating I
know, but its how men work.
To be honest, I would say that you are finding the right men that you can but
you may not be communicating with them effectively so that they can stay on
top of it and continue to grow with you.
No matter what, always remember you are an individual so your wants, needs
and expectations are never going to be the same as anothersand that
counts double for the man in your life.
If you can open your mouth and say your needs, wants and expectations it
makes it easier for your partner to give those things to you, or decide if they
are unable to. My husband for example, is not as proactive as i am.
113
I have a bigger fire under my belly and I used to get mad at him for not having
that same urge to grow. So I would get frustrated, and at times, belittle him in
an effort to motivate him to get off his ass. But then I realized that it was not
helpful.
I had to actually love him to motivate him. Once I stopped the nagging and
the underlying message of I wish you were someone else and just truly loved
him for him, thats when our relationship started to ROCK!!! Additionally, he
became a more motivated, go-getter.
He lost 30 pounds (so far), is more proactive in his business, has time to give
to me (without being forced to) and we are very happy. Our relationship
continues to grow.
We became pros at communicating our wants, needs and expectations of one
another in a calm and loving way. Not in a blaming, judgmental way but in a
loving, patient way.
Its so easy to project a huge fantasy or enormous expectation as to what your
guy should be, what job he should have, what kind of place he should like in
and how he should act at all times, but the truth is, your equal is not going
exist.
Just like you, he is constantly changing, growing and evolving. So why not love
the guy whos changing alongside you? - Marni
As women we tend to put these high pressures and expectations on men to be
super humans who can read our minds and give us everything we need before
114
we even ask for it.

Men are not super humans but they can be super amazing partners who can
love us if we let them and dont put huge, idealistic expectations on them.
If I met a woman who didnt expect me to everything she needed
boyfriend, best friend, teacher, mentor, coach, taxi serviceI could feel like
I would have the freedom to just be me, but so farno luck with that. I wish
women knew that as strong and unemotional as we seem, guys are just as
prone to feeling vulnerable in love as women. - Ed
Im not saying adjusting these subconscious expectations is easy. Start off by
noticing when those expectations and criticisms pop up and then work on
openly communicating them with your partner.
Men are simple, and his attraction for you comes down to showing passion,
energy and excitement for who you are. Its about demonstrating desire for
your own life, and for him. Its about smiling, being energetic as each day
comes, and knowing just what you wanthim!
That was what attracted men to women 10,000 years ago and what attracts
men to women todayits evolutionary, and when you can remember the
caveman effect, youre on your way to happily ever after!
You Got my Text, But What About the Subtext of my

Text?
115
Youre a woman, which means youre a pro at second guessing, third guessing
and fourth guessing his motives! What was he thinking when he said that?
What did he mean when he paused before leaning in to kiss me? Why didnt he
get the subtext of my textI mean, it was so obvious. Yes, to you it wasbut
not him.
The way you think isnt how he thinks. Thats not how men work.
If youre single, give yourselfand that amazing guy who wants to talk to you,
ask for your number, and see you againa fighting chance. Take him for who
he is, and either love it or leave it. Have you noticed that most guys dont want
to be beat around the bush?
When they are trying to close a business deal with a new client, they dont talk
on and on about their life outside of work. Instead, they are solely focused on
the prize at hand, be it their next best and most lucrative client, a pay increase,
or a possible promotion.
So, in the same way that he doesnt want to waste your time, dont waste his.
Are you attracted to how he looks? Do you love his sense of humor, or how his
mind works? Does he interest you? Do you leave your conversation with him
wanting to know more?
Then become approachable and give him the chance to charm you!
Get Some Guts (and Enjoy the Glory)
116
A past client of mine once called me after having an amazing date with this
kind, sweet, good looking guy. She went on and on about how on the first date
they totally connected, and told me how the chemistry was there, and by all
standards, it was perfect.
But he didnt try to kiss her, and she felt unsure, like, Why didnt he try to go for
it? I was giving him signs that I was totally into him and he didnt do anything!
Its important to think about men from their point of view. And in this womans
case, I told her to consider what this kind, sweet, good looking guy is dealing
with. Hes probably been burned in the past (like all of us), and it probably isnt
every day that he meets someone as awesome as my her.
But shes a divorced single momand many guys dont quite know what move
to make thats safethats not going to ruin everything if shes not totally
ready for the kiss.
Hes a respectful guy, and anyone worth your time should think Should I kiss
her? Is it too soon? But heres the thingsometimes, and the reality is, a lot of
times, guys wait too long to make their move and they accidentally stay in the
friend zone as a result.
In this case, my client didnt want that and he didnt either, so its about
putting yourself in their perspective, and helping a guy who youre feeling that
undeniable chemistry with, along.
Dont overthink their actions. Dont second guess yourself because when the
attraction is there, its there (and both people feel it but one of you has to make
117
a move!)
I told her the next time you see him you can do one of three things (all of
which are assertive without being aggressive, and absolutely feminine enough
for a turn-on!):
You can say to him, Sowhen are you going to kiss me? in a very soft,
feminine voice; OR
You can lean really close to him at the end of the night and look him in the eye,
while touching him gently on his leg or arm and let that moment linger just
enough for the two of you to connect and allow him to make his move; OR
You can kiss him (gutsy but confident and to-the-point!)
My client is pretty forward in nature so she kissed him. What was the chance
that when he went home, and during the entire next day he wasnt thinking
about the way she went for it? Yephe couldnt stop thinking about her.
When he picked her up for their third date, she got into his car and gave him a
quick kiss on lips to signal Its on, and by the end of the night they had a two
hour make out session!
Back to the Subtext of Your Text
Think back to a past relationship youve had, and replay those interactions with
men that didnt go as well as you wanted them to go. Lets say you had an ex-
118
boyfriend who always took a long time during his work day to text you back.
Lets say that half an hour or an hour passes before he sends you a text
message in response to yours. At the beginning of your relationship you were
patient and accommodating (although you love to text back and forth, would
do it throughout your entire day if you could) but as the relationship wore on,
your expectations changed.
You began to expect him to rise to the occasion, and text lengthy text
messages back to you as soon as you sent them to him. You may have even
expected him not only to reply to your texts, but to decipher the subtext of your
text. The problem is, he cant be the god of every domain.
He cant be awesome at having the innate ability to make you laugh (even
when youre in a snarly mood) AND be good at textingand be a mind reader.
So, when youre able to remember that hes a man and thats it (hes not a
magician, a mind reader, an acrobat, or a prize winning text messenger) then
you can start your next relationship on the best foot possible.
Todayright now in this minuteyoure more empathetic than ever because
the relationships of your past have taught you to accept and love him for
who he is. You also know that while it may be great to have a guy that was
as masculine as George Clooney but as sensitive as the Dalai Lama, is it really
want you want? Maybebut its not what you necessarily need.
What you need is a partner that will love you for you, and expect nothing more
from you than the woman you are. So dont expect him to go above more
119
measures to make you happy than is physically possible for him anymore than
hed expect you to become as knowledgeable about the NFL as he is!
What you need is a man who wont contort and mold himself to be exactly
who you need him to be. Seriously, and trust me on that if you havent already
figured it out yourself, but there is no challenge in that type of guy even if he
was willing to bend over backwards for you, day in and day out.
Its no fun. Have you ever seen that old Cher and Nicolas Cage movie,
Moonstruck?
Cher is set to marry this guy who is someone she likes enough to marry. Then,
shes asks by her fianc (the very boring, and dull guy shes about to spend the
rest of her life with) to go to his brother, played by Nicolas cage and ask him to
come to their wedding.
This brother is rough around the edges, rude, and sparks a chemistry in her she
thought died a long time ago. They have sex hours after meeting, and feeling
like shes just ruined everything, he says to her that love is messy and its not
meant to be perfect.
So, when Cher finally dropped her expectation that everything had to work out
in a certain way, with a certain man and in a certain order of her life, she found
the guy she really needed and truly wanted!
In other words, perfection in a man, and in a relationship, isnt real. Its an
illusion, so drop what you think that perfect man really is, and get to know the
slightly awkward, nervous guy you have something in common with!
120
Id love to be in a committed relationship, but in my experience it seems like

the same thing always happensshe tries changing who I am into who she
wants me to be.
She may complain about my job, and how Im not striving high enough for a
successful career, or she nags me to wear more grown up clothes. The thing
is, I like my job and I like my wardrobe, and I like me. Id love to find a woman
who loves me for me, too! John
The fun part is meeting someone you want to make a mess with! Let go of
expectations, of perfection and what you think he should look like, be like or
say and there hell bewith more of what you needed than anyone else you
could have ever imaged for yourself.
Single or in a relationship, you always have to start with you. You have to be
happy, self-fulfilled and content. The more satisfied you are with your social
life, your goals; and your professional achievements, then the less expectations
and pressure youll put on him.
When you come across happy, energetic, positive and confidentthose are
the very driving forces that attract him each and every day to you, and always
will.
And thats how men really, truly, without a doubt, work!
Ive coached thousands of thousands of men over the last decade, and when
I ask what is most important in a woman, Ill be honesttheir responses
typically have to do with appearance.
121
How a woman should look, how they want them to look in order to be
physically attracted to them is always number one. Aesthetics are important to
them and mainly for biological reasons which Ill get to in a minute...
They want to be attracted to the woman theyre with. They want to be turned
on to her, and that does have to do with looks because its the first thing they
notice.
But, the second, the third and the fourth most important things that men
always tell me they want is a woman who is energetic about her life, who
is positive and happy, who is excited and passionate and who respects and
appreciates them for who they are.
Do you know what the majority of guys put on their online profile pages more
than anything else? They ask for a woman who wants a man, but doesnt need
one.
Know the difference, and be the difference, and youve just set yourself apart
from all those women out there who arent confident and comfortable with
who they are, and who expect a man to fulfill those emotional needs for them.
But when you want an amazing guy in your life, (but until he comes along,
youll do just fine) youve just upped your sex appeal from one to one million.
122
Section Recap
Men act differently in a relationship or in their approach to you because
they arent youthey not a woman, so let down those expectations of
how he should act and youll increase your chances of meeting that
amazing guy youve been waiting for!
Men are attracted to you because of evolutionary reasonsthey get
turned on by youthfulness, beauty, and a happy and energetic woman.
Cultivate those traits in yourself, and youll always be attractive to men!
Turn yourself on to turn him on by loving your life, your body, your job,
and your life outside of the relationship. Those are the qualities that keep
him turned on for the long term!
Its no fun to try to mold him into what you want, or think he should be.
Love who he is, or leave ittheres no middle ground for relationship
success.
123
Chapter Three: Nailing the Approach

Dear Marni,
Im in my late thirties and have been in three long term relationships, one of which
ended in divorce. Since my divorce ended three years ago, my outlook on men and
relationships has changed. Im successful in my career, take care of myself (Im
actually going to compete in the Ironman next year!) and I have a full social life.
Although Im tried dating in the last couple years, it just makes me feel like there
are no good guys left, like the real amazing ones that youd actually want to be
in a relationship with are either married or gay (if it werent for the whole being
attracted to only men thing)
Ive tried online dating, but I had a really horrible experience down that road, and
its not something Im willing to do again. I go to the gym five days a week, but its
such a meat market there.
It just seems to me that no one romances anymore, no one dates like they used
to, and I worry that Ill never meet a man who has the same idea of dating,
relationships and a lifestyle that is compatible with mine. Is romance dead, and are
all the good ones taken?
-Joanne
Dear Joanne,
124
I love how confident you are, and it really seems that you have your own life, love
your life and are looking for someone to share that life with youshould he exist!
The good news is he does, and it may be easier for you to meet him than you think!
Reading your email, it seems when describing yourself and your situation that you
appear to have a lot of beliefs and expectations about how things SHOULD be. I
relate to that, and I think a lot of other women do, too.
The problem is, when you think about how things should be, you may accidentally
be cutting yourself off from opportunities to meet men, and preventing a truly
great, amazing, compatible guy from approaching you!
As a dating expert who has worked with thousands of men, I know that not all men
are as smooth as Casanovasome of them do their best to connect with women,
but flop. For example, if a guy tried starting up a conversation with you at the gym
and you had the attitude that the gym is just a big meat market, he doesnt have a
chance to get to know youyou know what I mean?
Its ok to open yourself up a little bit more, and give men a chance. Its easier to set
up more barriers for ourselves as time goes on, we get burned in relationships and
get older.
We want to protect ourselves, so naturally were going to write men off if they dont
come across when, how and in the ways we expect them to. But think about how
difficult it is for a guy to come up to you, strike a conversation and get to know
youyoure successful, attractive and with a full, independent life!
I would love for you to make a three-strike rule for men from now on, instead of
125
a one-strike rule. Give him three chances instead of shutting down after the first
nervous approach, and give him the benefit of the doubt. You might be amazed at
where that will lead you!
~Marni
So, you want to know what hes thinking, why hes not connecting with you in
the same way he did at the start of your relationship, or if youre single, why
men arent approaching you the same way they do your best friend, right?
Your attractive, you have a killer sense of humor. You have long cascading hair
that draped down the middle of your back, and youre successful. So why are
you driving yourself crazy with men, and about relationships?
Ask yourself the following questions:
Why are you always in the friend zone?
Why dont guys seem to approach you despite the fact that you want to
be approached?
Where have all the decent, nice, amazing guys gone?
Why doesnt he take out the trash after youve told him in the nicest way
possible multiple times, how much you hate the trash sitting outside the
door?
126
Why are you in your thirties, and still looking for a husband without any
luck?
Why is it so ridiculously hard to get him to open up about his childhood
when you want him to?
Why does he insist on grabbing a drink with the boys once a week, when
you would really love for him to come home and hang out with you?
Why cant he just listen to your problems, instead of trying to fix them?
Why cant he look into the futurethe future of you and himas easily
as you can, and think about that proposal, marriage and kids like you
do? Why does he avoid the topic of your future every time you routinely
bring it up?
If hes not responding to your flirtatious banter or body language cues, it
doesnt mean that hes not interested. It may just mean that unlike you, he
doesnt think about every possible move you make, or could make, or maybe
will make in the future.
Hes not you, because youre a woman. Hes a man, which means that
sometimes he needs code red, siren lights blaring to get the hint that youre
available, youre into him and youre ready to be chasedby him. If you just
need him to listen, he needs you to point blank let him know.
The thing about men that most women fail to understand is that while we
127
think, Oh, if Im pretty enough, or thin enough or sexy enough, hell approach
me, but thats not always true. Hell approach you when he feels like theres
little risk for him to get rejected.
I wish thats how men worked because its how we think they workor how
we think they SHOULD work.
Oh hes a man, he should approach and if he wants me he will. He should man
up and ask me out. ButWRONG.
I work with hundreds of thousands of men and one of their number one fears
is approaching a woman the wrong way, ruining the initial attraction they have
with her and getting rejected. To save themselves from this embarrassment
they choose NOT to approach her at all.
And bam! Hes just lost the opportunity to make your love life an incredible
one, and vice versa.
Women are a mystery. I dont want someone Im with to constantly wonder
what Im thinking, even though, seriouslyIm not thinking anything more
than what I told her Im thinking. Im not dense or stupid, Im justenjoying
the moment with her, and Id love for her to do the same. - Dan
So if youve been thinking that if he likes me hell just approach or ask me out
or kiss me, you are sadly mistaken.
Some men want more of a guarantee that when they approach their approach
128
is welcomed with open armswhich is why this chapter is a must-read, loaded

with information on how to make yourself the woman not only someone
hell notice as soon as you walk in, but someone he wont think twice about
approaching!
The Nervous Guy Syndrome is More Common Than You Think
A few months ago my sister in law called me from the bathroom while she was
on a date. She said to me Marni, I dont know whats wrong with this guy Im
on a date with.
I met him once before and he was attentive, listened to my stories and asked
me questions but this time he just keeps talking and talking and talking. How
do I get him to be the guy I met the first time?
I had to explain to my sister-in-law that just like we sometimes do when were
nervous, he does too. Chances are, as in the case of my sister-in-law, if youre
attractive, you have the power to make him nervous. And if youre beautiful,
hes talking to impress.
Hes talking to charm, or perhaps hes talking the date away because he doesnt
want the night to end. So many men get bad advicethat if there is a lull in
the conversation then that means its doneattraction has been lost.
So to combat this and their feeling of nervousness they attempt to fill the gaps
by overly talking and in the process forget to connect with their date.
129
I told my sister-in-law to go back to the table, sit down and the next time he
starts taking to put her hand on top of his hand or his forearm, look him in the
eye and smile. This will calm him downand establish a connection.
She took my advice, and two hours later texted me saying Your voodoo magic
worked. As soon as I did that I could immediately sense him calming down and
he was able to connect. He was able to take a breather, ask me questions and
we had a great night.
Doing what I told her to do signals to the man that youre present in the date
and in the moment with him. Most of all, it tells him that you are enjoying
yourself, you want to be there with him and that you are happy doing
whatever and wherever the date brings you.
It says Dont worry, Im here, and into it! So, in a nutshell, it calms a mans
deepest fears, which is that youre chosen to be on this date with him, and you
dont want to be anywhere else. This immediately helps a man calm down.
These are the types of overt signals men need in order to know that what they
are doing is right.
They cant read subtle signals or read your mindso you have to put yourself
out there a little bit, and continually present yourself as approachable.
Thats the kicker here, because if youre single and wondering where all the
good guys have gone, it could be that hes right there in front of you but
youre too busy crossing your arms in front of you or not giving him that
second chance he deserves that youre missing out onthat amazing guy
youve been waiting for!
130
When he does approach you, strike up a conversation out of thin air, and ask
for your number, take note: he wouldnt do any of it if its not what he wanted
to do in the first place. Men mean what they say, and say what they mean.
Theres no hidden agenda.
Theyre not asking you out because youre the only woman theyve come in
contact with lately. If an amazing, kind hearted, funny and successful guy is
talking to you, trying to make you laugh, and showing an active interest in
what you have to say, hes worked himself up to intentionally charm you, make
you laugh, and hopefully turn this one conversation into many, many more.
Biologically speaking, what guys want and how they work is simple: when he
wants you, he knows ithell call you, text you, do his damn hardest to make
you laugh and spend a good portion of his waking hours fantasying about
how mind blowing sex will be with you.
But heres where many women get themselves in trouble, and start the
obsessive thought pattern of Why hasnt he called to ask me out? or We had
an amazing two hour conversation.
Why didnt he ask for my number? Am I not pretty enough for him? Does he
have someone else? He probably has someone elsefigures.
Sound familiar?
When he wants you he knows it, but it doesnt mean hes always going to do
something about it, and thats where you can help him out. Be approachable.
131
Show him obvious signs of interest (signs that hell notice and take action on)
and give him three chances before writing him off as someone whos a nice
guy, but not really your type.
If we all judged men based on what they think they should say to us to get
our attentionaka, stupid pick-up lineswed never get to the point of
procreation! Think about your expectationsthose liners and conversation
starters that you think guys should say with total ease and confidence.
Nowimagine an eraser actually erasing those expectations because the
fact is, theres no mandatory class that teaches guys what to say, and how to
say it. They dont know what will instantly attract you, and thats what they
desperately want.
They just want you to like what theyre laying downas cheesy or lame as it
may be. It reminds me of this one I worked with who told me about how she
just doesnt get men and their stupid pick-up lines.
She then went into a story about this one guy who approached her and then
said Oh you drink Evian too!. She immediately wrote him off because of his
stupid line.
It immediately made me wonder about how many great guys (with awkward
conversation starters) she was missing out on. Do you know how many great
men you are missing out on because of the way you are evaluating them?
Do you know how hard it is to approach a complete strange that you
potentially want to have sex with, or date? Its brutal out there for us, but for
132
themfor men, its freaking harder than we can imagine.

Im an awesome person once I get past the first five minutes of talking to a
womanthats when the real me comes out. But that first five minutes of
approaching and figuring out what to say (when I do approach a woman) is
horrible. I wish there was a way for women to just see the me that I really
am. - Jarod
The man that was approaching this woman was most likely a great man but his
opener skills were not so fine tuned. What he was trying to say to this woman
was I think youre pretty and I see that we have something in common. He
was trying to connect to her the best way he knew how.
The advice I gave to this woman and what I tell all of my female clients is to
scratch the one strike rule and start to implement a three strike rule. You have
no idea how many great men you miss out because of the one strike rule, so
help a brother out!
Are You a Date Shredder?
Heres the thinga lot of single women are guilty about shredding a guy to
pieces on the first date because of a physical characteristic they didnt know
about beforehand.
It could be that he sent you a manly picture of himself after exchanging emails
back and forth on a dating site, but when you met in person for the first time,
his voice was a littlehigher pitched than you expected.
133
So, during dinner as hes telling you about his dorky college roommate who
turned into a big time showbiz star (and is now on Dancing With the Stars), you
are interested in one, and one thing onlythat voice.
That voice that youre not crazy about, didnt expect and cant stop obsessing
overand not in a good way. So, you stop engaging in conversation, and end
the date by thinking, Nope. Not going happen, while spending the rest of the
night angry that there seem to be no good guys left.
See the problem here? Are you guilty of the same?
(By the way, keep this in mind: If youve ever heard the flawlessly beautiful
David Beckham speak, his higher-than-youd-expect-voice may shock you.)
This is the one strike rule is action, and what happens to you before you really
open yourself up to a great guy. You may fixate on what you think he should
look like, talk like, and look like.
And in the process, you spend so much energy clutching onto our
expectations of what he should be, that you miss out on the great, amazing,
unique guy he really is (perhaps the guy you really need in your life).
The one strike rule is all about first impressions, judging someone solely on
what you expected or wanted them to be and projecting your fantasy of the
perfect guy onto himand in the processyou miss the boat. You miss the
ride to a fun and fantastic relationship with Mr. Wonderful.
134
So, ask yourself: When it comes to dating, are you getting the results with men
you want?
If youre not, then you may be accidentally, without-knowing-it, applying a
one-strike rule to dating that is preventing you from meeting him! Its time
to detox the date shredder in you, and find real love with a real, committed
amazing partner like youve been dreaming about!
Another story that I like to tell women is about my Wing Girls. As Ive said
many times before, I work with hundreds of thousands of men all over the
world helping them understand women. There are times when myself and my
wing girls help them pick up and attract women LIVE.
How it works is my male clients hire my company to help them learn how
women work. Through my coaching program, my Wing Girls and I help them to
fine tune their skills and then we go out into the REAL world and give them the
opportunity to approach, talk to and attract women with the help of a Wing
Girl by their side.
EVERY one of these Wing Girls that has ever worked with me says exactly the
same thing at the end of their first night: I didnt realize how awful Ive been to
men. Ive missed out on amazing guys because Ive had a huge bitch shield up.
I didnt know how hard it was for men to do this. Some girls have even cried
when theyve say it.
The reason they said this was because the guys that they would work with
would be awesome in front of them. Crack jokes, be super comfortable,
135
basically be themselves. But then when the Wing Girls would tell the guys to
approach women by using everything they had just been taught, they turned
into bumbling fools and wussy versions of themselves.
In front of those attractive women, they lost their confidence and froze. Or, if
they did say a pick-up line to a woman, it wasnt what they really wanted to
sayit was whatever they could think of to get her attention.
These stories are not to advise you to start dating men who are wusses, or
whose mind goes blank when you say hello to him. Its to help you see that
behind that nervous man approaching you may be a prince!!
So again, help a brother out by implementing a three strike rule and be clear in
communicating you want to be approached, youre engaged in what he has to
say and youre willing to give him a chance.
So what signs of interest am I talking about, exactly?
Eye contact, with a smile! You want to not only make eye contact with
him, but let him catch you looking in his direction! No, you dont want
to stare at his butt when you know hes looking, but you do want to
encourage him to over and say hello with an obvious, to-the-point eyeto-eye contact hell decipher!
Uncrossed arms, and moving your body slightly toward him while youre
talking or you spot him from across the room looking at you;
136
Shoulders back, straight posture, crossed legs, with your top leg pointed
in his direction;
Uncrossed arms;
Demonstrate a genuine, energetic interest in everyone around youif
he sees you engaging with co-workers or friends in a fun and friendly
manner, hell wonder what youre all about and want to meet amazing
you! More specifically, show enthusiasm on your face by raising your
eyebrows when telling a story, and illustrate your point by moving your
hands around in excitement!
Move into his comfort zone by lightly touching his arm when youre
talking about something your passionate about, or putting her hand on
his knee for a minute as you talk about something meaningful for him.
Ask HIM questions. Show him youre engaged in the conversation and
present in the moment (instead of just buying some time until her
friends arrive).
Your typethe one, evencould be just a room away, a minute away, or a
workout away. And this chapter is all about making yourself open to a great,
wonderful amazing man whos dying to talk to you but needs the confidence
from you to allow him in, if only for a conversation, if only for a hello.
Sometimes, a look from you, a smile, or a lingering moment of eye contact is all
he needs to walk over and introduce himself. Sometimes, thats how a happily
ever after starts!
137
But grill him about his ex, pressure him to take the relationship to the next
level or nag him, and he wont budge. He cant be pushed. He cant be forced
into anything, and he absolutely, never can be tricked into proposing (or at
least any worthwhile guy, cant).
This reminds me of a Sex and the City episode in which Charlotte had been
living with her boyfriend, Harry for some time and began to obsess over when
he would propose to her.
She had recently converted to Judaism, and her expectations for a proposal
were higher than ever. Finally, after making dinner she burst into a yelling
fit as he was watching the game instead of looking at her, and gave him an
ultimatum about a proposal.
He left, and let her know that if she had just waited a bit longer, he was
plotting the perfect opportunity to propose. He had even bought the ring.
Let him enjoy the process of getting to know you instead of asking him how
many kids he wants on your first date. Focus on his answers to your most
important questions, such as, What was it like growing up in Africa? That must
have been interesting! or Amazing! You went to culinary school! Wow, youll
have to show me what youve got!
Give him the chance to show you who he is, what he wants and how hell love
you before you insist he put a ring on it. Give him the chance to know you for
you. Give yourself the chance to know him, and I promise, understanding men
wont seem nearly as complicated as you think!
138
First Date Flops + Disastrous Ultimatums

A while back I lead a three day boot camp in which the attendees were men of
all ages AND from all over the country to come work with me and learn how
to be the man women want. During this boot camp I arranged for something
special that Ive never done before.
I teamed up with another female coach who coaches women on how to get
the men they want and she brought a group of women to meet my group of
men for a special two hour attraction session.
During these two hours we did a bunch of mock pick-ups where the men
would practice approaching, interacting and picking up the women. After
every mock pick up we would give feedback on what we could see from their
interaction, as well as each individual giving feedback to their partners.
Then after the two hours were up, we would all give feedback on how they
could have done better in both the mans approach and the womans response.
What I discovered was eye-opening because for the guys because as a coach
and a woman I know everyone has the same struggles as both sexes do, but
the men and women attending did not know this.
Through hours of observation, I saw that men and women struggle with the
same troubles and insecurities. Regardless of gender, everyone was having
trouble expanding their conversation, opening up, sharing who they were and
letting their guard down. They were all nervous about their approach, and
139
about rejection.
In a nutshell, were all in the same boat, so lets make ourselves as women as
nice, approachable and open-minded as possible, in order to make ourselves
available for as many possibilities in love as we can!
Something in particular happened at this event that I found very interesting.
There was this one woman in attendance who was in her 40s. She was
gorgeous and witty but unfortunately, was so focused on her end goal that she
turned the men off right away.
At one point during the feedback session, a man asked her, What are you
looking for? Without missing a beat, she said Im looking for my soul
mate. When she said this, I could feel all of the men in the room immediately
turned off.
After the event was over and before we headed to the mixer we had arranged
for everyone, I began to talk to the guys and asked what they thought when
that woman said she was looking for her soul mate.
They all said their initial reaction was feeling extremely pressured. One of
them said that it just seems desperate. Like I dont even matter and that Im
just fitting into a slot. It was a big turn off. Huge.
Their brutal honesty pointed out that when a woman puts all her eggs in one
basket on a first date, during the initial conversation before their entree has
even made its way to the tableits a lot to live up to.
140
How can they know if theyre up for marrying her when they dont even know
if they like her? How can they possibly know what the future will bring when
they dont even know her last name?
Adding to this pressure, some of these guys claimed hearing another woman
say shes in a get married in 365 days program where she was guaranteed to
find a husband and get married in a years time.
Its not that men dont want to get marriedeventually. Its that some women
(like the woman in the 365 days program) are more focused on the end result
than she was on the man she was interested in.
For men, this doesnt compute. It comes across as needy, and men can never
find that approach attractivefor a woman that doesnt care so much about
the guy shes with, but instead whether or not hes going to put a ring on it
its a turnoff, and usually a deal breaker.
Instead of asking him, When do you want married, why not ask him, How do
you want to be loved? Instead of asking him, How many kids do you want to
have? ask yourself, How many of our core values and lifestyle choices match
up?
Guys get nervous about first dates, just like women do. Or, Im guessing
women do, but all the women Ive taken out seem so put together, so calm
that it makes me nervous! And when I get nervous, my palms get sweaty and
I routinely lose my track of thought. Embarrassing stuff to deal with when
youre trying to make a good first impression. - Jason
141
That guy that youll find your happily ever after with wont reveal everything he
is and everything he wants right off the bat, because the truth is, hes too busy
enjoying the getting-to-know-you processnot the end result.
So, if youre on your fifth date with this amazing, gorgeous, incredible guy and
youre stressing over the fact he hasnt brought you home to meet mom and
dad, relax. Youll get there. Its not a race. Dont box him in with ultimatums, or
it will backfire.
Instead, focus on you, focus on enjoying him and learning what you love about
this new relationship.
Getting Him to Look Your Way and Notice Your (Inner and Outer) Beauty
Enjoy the process by asking yourself and him the right questions, and chances
are, youll get to know an amazing, intelligent guy who couldve otherwise
passed you by. So how exactly do you get him to pass you by?
I have spent the last decade working with some of the most incredible men
men with great jobs, great friends, great family, and a passion for life. In short,
through the many men I have personally coached, there is no shortage of men
who are freaking awesome.
So what was the number one complaint that they all had in common?
None of them approached the women they wanted simply because they
did not know if they should. Now I have coached many men to not wait for
142
permission to go after what they want and told them the only sign that they
need is that sign in their own head saying Shes cute.
I want to talk to her, but there are still so many that dont have my coaching
and miss out on approaching great women because theyre too busy looking
for signs shes interested and unfortunately, assume shes not.
This means that all those guys who are waiting on approachable signs from
you are passing you by without you even knowing it! So, great, successful and
amazing men are not approaching you, simply because they dont think you
want to be approached or in the words of many of my clients, bothered.
So what you can you start doing right now to capitalize on this new knowledge
that I shared with you? You can make it easier for great men to approach you
by helping them know you want to be approached.
The following exercises are so easy to do and will absolutely kick up your
approachability right this very second (and of course, once you start to put this
tip into practice!)
Lets get started!
143
Making Yourself Open for the Approach

If you often see attractive men and would love to interact with them (but cant
quite work up the nerve to say hello) get stuck in the friend zone or you never
seem to be the woman that guys come up to at all, this section is for you. In
this section youre going to learn:
How to get you mentally pumped to be approached
Exercises to help you take action
Tips on what to say and get him instantly hooked on you!
Becoming approachable does not have to be as difficult as you think. In fact,
as a woman it is part of your biological makeup to sit back and wait for him to
come to you. Why? Because your gentle femininity is one of those biological
reasons why hes hardwired to be attracted to youeven before you say
Hello.
Over thinking our actions can sometimes deter us from doing them. Action is
your best teacher, and the most empowering step you can take. So, moving
forward, I do not want you to think about approaching, I want you to just do it!
From now on, there is no more wasting time and opportunity in this area of
your life.
The first exercise I want you to do is engage with ten people every single day.
144
I want you to take this exercise seriously, and I want you to start right now! I
know you may feel uncertain about this at first. In fact, I had a client that sent
me this email that will probably resonate with you:
Purely on a philosophical level, I do not see how approaching other random
men and people I am not interested in will ever amount to more success with
men. I want to approach men and be approached by men, not a bunch of
random people.
This comment is very common. In fact, I used to think the same way when I
was overcoming my extreme approach anxiety (after I had my stroke at the age
of 20). I used to say; How does approaching stupid random people help me
approach and be approached by men I actually want to talk to?
You may believe that your approach anxiety is strictly isolated towards men
you find attractive, but I guarantee you that this fear is generalized towards all
people in some way that you feel you have no business talking to.
Once you can approach any stranger without overwhelming anxiousness
(a little fear is OK, natural and part of the fun!) it will make it do much easier
to approach meneven your gorgeous neighbor you were once bashful
aroundand act on it!
Steps:
1.
Approach people you find hideous;
145
2.
Approach men you are NOT attracted to;
3.
Approach men you want to meet and talk to!
Work in small steps every day, and soon youll have a whole different vibe
exuding from youone that is positive, energetic and uplifting. Guys respond
to this, and will notice you from across the other side of the room without you
having to say a thing.
The exercise of approaching ten people a day is the exact same exercise I gave
to myself and the same exercise I have used to coach thousands of men to
succeed with women. Once you start doing this exercise, you will start to see
what thousands of others (and myself ) have seen.
1.
You will see how much you can change.
2.
You will see how people will start changing around you, and;
3.
You will see how opportunities to meet interesting, attractive men are
always around you.
When you practice opening yourself up to everyone around you, it makes you
ready and prepared for when someone great comes along. If you are not ready,
you will miss the opportunity every time. Approaching ten people every day:
Increases your confidence, comfort level and energy.
146
Decreases your fear of rejection, attachment to an outcome, stress levels

when approaching those you want to approach.
Overall it will make it easier for you transfer that comfortable, natural
approachability to a person you are interested in.
Over the last decade of working with thousands of men from all over the
world, I have discovered that the number one reason men have approach
anxiety, is because they tend to attach huge meaning to the outcome of their
approach. They dont want to be rejected by you!
For example: Im going to approach that smoking hot girl, ask for her number
and go on a date.
First, the only thing you know about you is that you are hot and your looks
have caught his attention. At this point, he has NO idea if you want his number
and he definitely doesnt know if you want to get to know him on a date.
And thats why with so many variable as to how approaching a woman like
yourself could go, you need to reduce his risk of being rejected by being as
friendly, open minded and receptive as possible!
Setting Intentions
There are many different situations that you will find yourself in with men
but the one constant is you, right? So with every step of the way, it is your
responsibility to ask yourself What do I Want? How do I want to come across?
147
I believe that in order to get what you want, you have to ask for it.
When you know what you want, your intentions will be clear.
Lets put it this way: You want to wash your clothes, but you are out of laundry
detergent. So you go to the grocery store to buy laundry detergent. At the
store you dont sit in front of the detergent section, stare and get nervous
about whether or not you should get the detergent.
You select the detergent you want, take it to the counter, purchase it and take
it home. That was because you had set your intention for it and took actionable
steps to get it.
Intention: Go to the grocery store and buy laundry detergent.
INTENTION COMPLETED!
Any time you go to the store without an intention you end up spending too
much, forgetting to get what you need and probably buying stuff that you
will never use. Now lets say, after you get the detergent, you see a few others
things that you decide you want. You now have an add on intention.
Add On Intention: Get eggs, milk and shampoo ADD ON INTENTION
COMPLETED!
The picture I am painting for you is that setting intentions helps you be clear
and get what you want instead of ending up with a house full of garbage you
148
dont need (or a night of no interactions with guys, period!)

Lets apply what you just learned to your interactions and approachability with
men.
I want you to eliminate large, outcome dependent intentions like: Tonight Im
going to walk up to a guy, and hes going to be the one. Instead, I want you
to start smaller. Smaller will help you keep yourself in check, maintain selfrespect and get better results with men (not to mention, have a ton of fun with
yourself and the guys that come your way!)
From now on, I want you to use the following intention as your reason for
approaching:
INTENTION: Hes super attractive and seems nice. Im going to go talk to him
and see what hes about. This intention puts the control back in your hands
and puts you in the position of selector and evaluator.
Once you can start approaching ten people every day and setting your
intentions with men, you will notice a huge change in the way you interact
with themyou may even start to question why you once thought meeting
men was difficult and begin to really enjoy meeting random strangers.
Man Up! Girl: Approach Five Men per Day
Man up and approach that handsome guy from the gym youve had your eye
onin the most feminine way possible. Its 2013. Its time to show yourself that
149
you dont have to wait to be approached by him lifes too short to hang out
until hes worked up the nerve to talk to you, so go for it.
Say hello. Smile and ask him to chat with you while you hit that five mile mark
on the treadmill. Ask him to show you how to do a proper diamond sit-up, and
then let him see firsthand your killer sense of humor.
You dont have to wait for them to approach you. Just because you approach
a man doesnt mean you become a MAN. You can still approach men but
in a very feminine way simply by saying hi and then asking a question or an
opinion.
Exercise: Approach five men per day, everyday!
This may be a bit scary for the first day or two, and you may have butterflies
in your stomach as you walk up to a guy and start a conversation from thin
air, but be humbled, because this is exactly how guys feel as they think about
approaching you!
Walk up to anyone you want, attractive or not, old or young, at work or at
your local Starbucks. Seriouslythe more you start talking to guys, the more
confidence, self-assuring and naturally ease youll cultivate for yourself.
Keep going even if you stumble over your words, or get nervous or insecure.
Its part of the process, but when you keep going, it will get easier and easier,
until you land yourself right smack dab into him that amazing guy youve
been waiting for!
150
Now youve:
Focused on what your intentions are;
Decided to forget about your anxiety with being approached or
approaching men and take action!
Conversational Starting Points

So far youve laid all of the groundwork for success: now its time to kick start
your action plan. If youve ever stumbled over telling a guy what your name is
or what you do for a living when asked, this is the section for you!
You will learn:
How to give attractively communicate whatever youre talking about to a
man;
How to lead the conversation without dominating it;
How to engage conversation and captivate his interest!
Forget Topics to Talk About/Think About Energy Instead
Contrary to popular belief, there are no magical conversational topics that will
instantly get a guy want to commit, or vow to spend the rest of your life with
151
you.
Nor is there a conversation that will guarantee attraction with every single
man you meeteach guy is going to either be turned on to your wit, or not.
Each guy you meet is going to love your adorable smile, or not. So, a great
conversation is really not about what you say to him but how you say it.
For example: Lets say you meet a guy and within the first five minutes,
youre connecting. The two of you are laughing at the same things, and
the conversation is flowing. You wonder, Is it getting hot in here? and hes
thinking the same thingthe chemistry is undeniable.
You dont know this yet, but this guy is a relationship guy and not afraid of
wearing his heart on his sleeve. Having just met you, hes thinking about
how amazing sex with you will be (hes a guy after all, and youre a gorgeous
woman.)
The problem is, as youre talking to him and feeling confident about the
immediate connection the two of you have, you come across as overly sexual.
It could be that you mention how young you were when you lost your virginity,
and while it was supposed to be a light hearted comment, his smile turns
serious. Your flirting with him as you speak, but the problem is, youre also
simultaneously flirting with several other guys at the bar beside you.
Then, you proceed to talk about how many boyfriends youve had in the past
three years, and again, its triggering those caveman instincts of him to think,
Hmm. Shes not girlfriend material. Shes easy, and could potentially go off
152
with any guy she wants.

If you played this a bit differentlywhich all stems from how you say it and not
so much what you say, you can motivate him to commitwhether its asking
you out on a first date, or suggesting that its about time you meet his parents.
Its the subtle language you use, and the laid back approach you convey.
Guys are more willing to make their move when they have a good idea about
your intentions, and mostly, that youre there with them, and them only. Youre
not looking at other guys in the room, and youre not sexually available for
someone else in the same night.
Most of all, guys need to feel as rejection-free as possible from you, so project
a vibe of loyalty, confidence and assertiveness, and youll up your success with
men by leaps and bounds.
ITS NOT WHAT YOU SAY BUT HOW YOU SAY IT!
He is biologically hardwired to be attracted to positive energy, a youthful
exuberance and happiness. Hes programmed to love your passion for life, and
your symmetrically shaped body.
If you stand there talking to him with your arms crossed and barely cracking a
smile, whats he going to think, and most of all, whats he going to be attracted
to? When you dont appear open and willing to get to know him, his fear of
rejection kicks in and he wont be able to be who he really is. He wont be able
to let his guard down.
153
So, Speak with passion, excitement, interest, confidence and knowledgethen

you are as good as gold.
EXERCISE:
Talk about whatever you love doing during your free time. Are you a Yankees or
Red Sox fan? Do you know how to make the most amazing cakes, ever? Have
you traveled to India? Really? What did you discover there?
Get involved in what youre saying, because when youre coming from an
honest, genuine and excited place, hell reciprocate those emotions. When you
are at ease and are comfortable talking, hell be at ease.
When you lightly touch his leg or arm while he cracks a joke and makes you
laugh, hell be more inclined to lean in, make eye contact and hang onto your
words.
Hell do this because you are projecting a character that he can connect to and
wants to be around. A character that is passionate, confident and expressive is
always attractive!
For men, how you make him feel when hes talking with you, approaching you
and interacting with you is everything. So, do this exercise with three to five
men. I guarantee you will get a good response.
Keep in mind that if you are not at ease and comfortable with your
conversation then the conversation wont go easilyhe wont be able to keep
154
it going as he wants to, and as you want him to! So, in order to help keep the
conversation engaging and entertaining, be sure to select a topic you know a
lot about and have passion for.
The lessons learned from this experiment will alleviate the pressure to say
the right thing because there is no right thing but instead just saying it in
the RIGHT WAY. Now that you know this it will be easier for you to break into
conversations with any man and feel good about each one you have!
Go back through recent approaches you made, or wished you made, and
write down what you wish you could have said to men. Read those answers to
yourself and over the next two weeks, practice what you will say while looking
at yourself in the mirror.
That way, when Mr. Wonderful does strike up conversation with you, youll talk
effortlessly and confidently from the get-go!
Start off slow by approaching men you are NOT attracted to. When that feels
comfortable to you, move onto attractive men.
This exercise will make it easier to approach any guy you want you, no matter
if youre at the supermarket in sweats and without an ounce of makeup on, or
youre looking your best at a nightclub. You wont be stumbling for what to
say because you will already have a repertoire of proven/practiced things to
talk about under your belt.
As you practice you will notice what works for you and doesnt work and you
will keep tweaking until start getting positive consistent results. Its a win/win!
155
Be Feminine But Dont Dominate The Conversation

Your goal is to have engaging conversation that gives you away a little bit at a
time so hes left thinking about you long after youre gone. You dont want to
talk his ear off, but give him just a little something that makes him think, Man,
that girl was awesome. Shes different. Need to see her again.
A great conversation is 50/50its about being present and engaged in the
moment with the guy youre talking to, and letting him in to who you are. I
typically tell men that they want to get a woman talking 75 percent of the time
but this is to get them in engaged in conversation and attraction racing.
Be careful during conversation though: some guys will talk non-stop, and some
wont talk at all, so be sure to implement that three strike rule! Talking too
much or not talking enough? Hes nervous because hes attracted to you. So,
ask questions. Smile at what hes said. Give him the chance youd want him to
give you! Show off your femininity!
The trick about talking to a guy in an engaging way isnt really about what you
say, but how you say it. You want to ooze femininity, and give him the chance
to chase you (because as you remember from the last chapter, biologically
speaking, thats what turns him on to you!)
Dominating every move the conversation makes is a turnoff, whether youre
male or female. It spells insecurity and discomfort. It can also lead to friendship
instead of a sexual or intimate relationship.
So what happens if you cant overcome shyness, or the awkward silence in the
156
room as that very cute, very smart, and very charming guy tries talking to you?
Just announce the elephant in the roomand youve got this locked up!
AnnouncingTheElephant
Announcingtheelephantiswhenyouliterallysayoutloudwhatyouareattemptingtoconceal orcoverup when talking to a man. It doesnt matter what
it isnervousness, that youre mesmerized by his beautiful eyes, or that youre
really kid-like excited over spending time with him!
Soforexample,whenIgo onstagetospeakinfrontof a large audience and
feeling nervous about it, Isaysomething like:
Imsonervous.Therearesomany of you! Thisallows metonolongerfocusontryingtocoverup/concealthatIm nervous and at the same time, form
a connection with the person (or large audience) Im talking to. Instead of possibly freezing up or drawing a blank,I calloutmyELEPHANT(myjitters, anxiety, and overall nervousness)!
This helps merelax/focus on the audience more because Im not trying so
hard topretend Im NOT a bag of jitters...I just told everyone that I am! Sure
enough, this helps my audience connect more to me as well because they can
understand how that feels and relate to it as well.
Iadvised a student of mine, Rachel, touseitwhen sheis talking to men
orevenondateswith men and she told me itssomething thats always broken
the ice and makes her date connect to her more. It puts them on level ground,
and allows both people to stop feeling that need to be perfect.
157
So heres what I want you to do:

Ifyou are talking to a manand suddenly forget how to speak, look at him and
confidently say with a soft smile:
Seewhatyoudid? You made me so nervousIforgotwhatIwantedtosay!
OR:
Ifyouareonadatewitha man,confidentlylookhim intheeyeandsayYou
knowwhat? Imalittlenervousrightnow. You AnnounceTheElephant
andthenmove
on!
Stopwastingyourenergytryingtoconcealthatyouarenervous....
Justannounceit instead!
Its honest, its genuine, its in the moment and men LOVE IT when women can
do
this. It makes you seem real and will get them to also relax because most likely
they are nervous too!
AnnouncingTheElephant puts youat ease instantly.Italso puts the
manatease too because
he most likely feels just as nervous as you do (if not more) and cannow
feelthat much more connected to youwhen hehears that you both have
158
anelephant.
Once you startAnnouncingTheElephant itwillmakeconnecting,
being approachedandbeing present in the momentaloteasier
whichwillbuildmoreattraction...and make him wantyou that much more!
How to Achieve the Easy Approach

The next section of this chapter is meant to help make you confident, open
you up to being approached, and get you really happy with who you are,
passionate about the life you have and excited about your future with The
One!
After using the following exercises, youll become so sure about what you
want, so that when you see him from across the room, or finally get introduced
to your co-workers cousin that she just knows youre the perfect match for
youll be engaged, open minded and free of unrealistic expectations that
otherwise kill a relationship before its even begun!
The Smirk
The first step to being attractive to men is very simple: you just need to smile
more.
Im not talking cheesy smile, big smile. Im talking your sexy smilethe kind of
smile that says
something behind it. Your smile (even if its been in hiding) has something
important to say, something mysterious and alluring and desirable.
159
Think about Scarlett Johansson. Shes got sex appeal. Shes got curves. And
when most guys hear her name, they come to a unanimous decision: Shes hot.
Shes attractive. Whats not to love?
But the fact is, what these guys dont quite understand is that it starts with her
smilethats the reason women like her get dates, sex, and overall attention
from men wherever they go.
Flashing a smirk, when you see a cute guy walking past, lets him know that
youre interested in getting to know him better. It also says, Im confident and
Ive got things to smile about.
And additionally, it allows the guy to let down his fear of being rejected,
because his smile is already telling him youre risk-free to approach, strike up a
conversation with and with some luck, ask you out!
A smirk is the universal signal for Im a confident person but theres something
interesting about me that I dont tell everyone. It makes everyoneespecially
that guy you have your eye onfeel special, valued, and desired (and thats
most of the battle!)
So, get into the habit of smirking.
Smirk at beautiful men at the ball game, the movie theater, the guy youre
about to pass on the street, the guy hailing a cab next to you, on the subway, in
the next cubicle over, at the gym, in a coffee shop, in a bareverywhere!
Make each guy you come across your dress rehearsal, and practice having
fun! Smirk the hell out of your day and start engaging them in conversations,
getting numbers and dates!
160
Heres How To Do It:

1. Make a video of yourself smiling/smirking in several different ways and
watch it. If you cant make a video, sit in front of the mirror and watch
yourself. What do you think? Does it seem insincere? Ask a few friends
what they think and get their input (male friends are best, but any friend
with an honest opinion will do.)
2. Grab a few mens magazines and study the pictures of the guys smiling/
smirking. And try a few of the smiles out yourself. Show them to others,
record yourself, preferably men. Its a great conversation starter You
gotta help me work on my smile/smirk. I have four I want to try out on
you. Tell me what you think.
3. Own the smirk and continue practicing it every night. Each time you
brush your teeth, smile at yourself.
4. Let the world see your smirk. Smirk at 10 people each day and take
notice of how they react.
I guarantee this 1 small change will alter more than just the way you smile. It
will alter the way you carry yourself and the way that men view you.
Re-Framing
I want you to start taking notice of how you talk to yourself and about yourself.
Are you a positive person or a do you frame things negatively? Do your criticize
yourself or judge yourself?
Remember, you train people how to treat you and see you. If you cant
161
talk positive about yourself or to yourself, how is anyone else going to? So
REFRAME your thoughts and the words you say outloud to describe yourself to
others.
Heres How To Do It:
When you notice yourself saying something negative, STOP, breath, and
reframe what you have said to yourself or out loud. Just this simple action of
noticing will help you tremendously. For example, lets say youre talking to
your girlfriends over cocktails after work.
Your best friendthat gorgeous bestie of yours who never seems to have
trouble getting a boyfriend is telling you about her latest fight she had with
her boyfriend, and immediately, you think, I just dont think Ill ever meet an
amazing guy like she has. Stop.
This is when re-framing needs to come in to play so that you can rewire your
thinking, change up your internal dialog and think about yourself in a whole
new way.
Stop your negative, critical, and demeaning thought in its tracks. Take a deep
breath, and tell yourselfLet me rephrase that. I am beautiful. Im a catch. Im
unique. I have a great sense of humor. Im an amazing woman that any guy
worthy of me would be lucky to have.
WARNING: At first this will definitely feel strange, but thats only because
most things feel strange before they become a habit. Slowly these negative
thoughts will start to decrease and you will start speaking more positively and
kindly to yourself which will make people like you more.
162
Why? Because when youre good to yourself, positive and treat your body,
mind and soul kindly, you will project an energy that no one will be able to
resist!
The Groove Method
I want you to get really comfortable with being uncomfortable to a point
where you literally say, Screw it! I dont care. Im just having fun. Im sure you
experienced this feeling before, because I know I have and I still do.
It usually happens when I am in the car alone and I start singing to the radio at
the top of my lungs. Then suddenly I have a flash of reality come in. People can
see me. I tense up and I have two choices:
1. I can pretend I was not singing and fidget with something to cover it up, OR:
2. I can say Fuck it and keep singing my heart out cause Im having fun.
That little moment of doubt is what I want you to focus on for this exercise.
That moment where you say to yourself this is awkward, they can see me and
I know theyre judging me. But usually they cant see you and their not even
watching you. The real truth of the matter is its you judging you, not anyone
else.
Its time to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Its time to get a little
bit fierce, a little bit bold, and a little bit in love with all parts of yourself you
used to turn away from, criticize or badmouth.
Youre going to have to teach yourself to get comfortable with being
uncomfortable. If you cant be comfortable with being uncomfortable with
163
yourself, how are you ever going to overcome discomfort with the opposite
sex?
Think about thislets say a sweet, attractive guy walks over to you and begins
to generate a conversation out of thin air. Do you think he is comfortable? Not
a chance. Hes extremely uncomfortable. Hes nervous.
And his hands may even be shaking out of nervousness (thats why he keeps
his hands inside his pockets) but he does it anyways, because he knows that
if he doesnt take a chance on youthe amazing woman you are that he just
spotted with the killer smirk and approachable, positive vibehell never get
the chance to find out who you are, and how ridiculously happy youre about
to make him.
So now its your turn!
There are two places you can do this assignment:
- At home alone
- In the car
Move the furniture out of the way and crank up that music. Its time to have a
solo dance party! I did this when I was recovering from my stroke. My stroke
left half of my body weaker than the other. So when I danced, one slide was
slower than the left. This stopped me from dancing for a long time, because I
felt embarrassed.
So one night, I turned off the music and said to myself, Im just going to let
myself go and dance for me. Immediately, I felt that uncomfortable ping, then I
164
looked in the mirror, smiled and

continued pushing myselfto feel uncomfortable, but to go through the
motions and do it anyways. I danced for 3 hours that night, and it didnt kill me.
Feeling uncomfortable wasnt a fixed, permanent state because the longer I
danced, the more normal, or comfortable it became. I want you do the same.
Push past that discomfort point and say screw it!
At homedance with yourself and throw your body into the dance. Push past
the discomfort, laugh at yourself and learn to enjoy being uncomfortable and
then moving past it.
This is an awesome exercise to do daily, and will give you just the type of fun,
confidence and energetic vibe that attracts everyone to your life that you
could ask for!
In the carsing your heart out and enjoy it! If someone looks at you, look back
at them and show him how much fun you are having. Give them the smirk!
Wave hello. And if you dare, sing while looking dead on in their eyes.
Trust me, theyll wish they were in your shoes (and if youre lucky, your
audience will be a cute, single guy who will sing right back to you!) When
youre yourselfsomeone who goes outside of their comfort zone, loves life
and is carefree, youll always attract the oneor even better, multiple ones!
Push past the discomfort and say fuck it!
Its liberating, and its life changing.
165
What Animal Are You?

This next exercise is one I like to call Erikas Animal Persona. Erika is a woman
I met, when I spoke at an event for women in NYC and informed me of a quick
tool she provides women, on how to quickly achieve confidence in every
situation.
She selects an animal for each woman and provides the attributes to each
animal for quick recall. Before going out, or in a moment of doubt, you act out
your animal persona and are able to quickly re-find your confidence and stable
state.
It sounds strange, but trust meits a highly effective exercise I recommend
for all of my clients! So, for example if you want to have the confidence to talk
to that cute guy who always seem to be working out at the gym when youre
there, think about a lion.
What attributes does a lion have? A lion is assured. A lion knows exactly what
hes hunting. A lion checks out his environment, and with a devoted strength,
goes for it without any doubt that hell achieve (or in this case, youll achieve)
what he set out for.
Heres What I Want You To Do:
1. Select an animal of your choosing.
2. Write down the animal on a piece of paper, as well as the attributes.
3. Before you go out this week, practice owning your animal persona in the
mirror. Let it get into your body, your mind and your face.
166
4. Write it down on a piece of paper so that if you need it when you are out,
you can use it!
5. Have fun with it. Use this exercise as the perfect training ground for your
love life. Dont be embarrassed but just have fun learning about yourself,
exploring your own confidence and discovering what works!
There are so many amazing, awesome guys out there but it takes dropping
your guard, knowing what you want, and making yourself approachable to
find them.
But I promise, when you actively practice these exercises, give yourself a three
strike rule when it comes to dating, and remember that as a woman, he doesnt
work the same way you do, youll find just what youre looking for!
167
Section Recap
Stop focusing on the false idea that there are no good guys out there.
Open yourself to the possibility of meeting a great man by focusing on
obvious signs of body language and verbal cues he can understand and
respond to!
At all costs, avoid interrogating him or giving him an ultimatumand
instead, take your time getting to know someone for who they are. Hes
simple, and will show you who he is if you take it for face value.
If men arent approaching you, it means that youre accidentally turning
him off uncross your arms, smile, and show excitement for your life
(those are all biological turn-ons for him!)
168
Section Recap
Chapter Four: Putting Practice into Perfection!

If youve read this book page by page, then give yourself a pat on the back.
Youve come a long way, and now youre prepared to leave behind how you
used to think about men into someone who knows all about them.
The best part of all is, youre not just a smart and confident woman that will
attract a man based on what he wantsyoure now the woman that will
attract him based on what he needs.
Reading the previous three chapters, now you know.
that when you send a text message to your boyfriend while discussing your
strategic plan for the upcoming quarter with your boss via conference call (and
you dont get a text immediately back from your guy), getting upset, frustrated
or cynical at the opposite sex wont solve anythingbecause thats not how
men work.
He cant multitask as well as you can. And chances are, he doesnt know how
important getting that text back from you really is (so let him know when the
time is right.)
Now you know that if a guy comes up to you while youre sitting in your office,
as you talk to your best girls during lunch, or while walking on the treadmill
at your gym and he seems awkwardly uncomfortable, its because youre
beautiful enough to get nervous over (so take it as a compliment) and while
youre at it, commit to a three-strikes-and-youre-out rule instead of cutting off
169
a guy at first glance (or first stutter!)

Help him out with his approach because the possibility of rejection is enough
to put him into panic mode. Help ease his comfort by keeping the conversation
going. Is he asking you question after question, and so much so, that you feel
like youre in an interview?
Hes nervous.
So help him through his approach by telling him right off the bat who you
are, what youre into, and by asking him what he loves to do. Help him find a
possible connection between the two of you, and allowing him to enjoy the
moment as it is.
When you commit to being as open minded as possible, then you leave
yourself open to the many possibilities of meeting Mr. Right!
Now you know that being a date shredder will only keep you lonely and
frustrated in a mindset thats convinced there are no good guys left.
When you spend time focusing on yourself, learning what your priorities, deal
breakers and desirable personality traits are in a man, youll undoubtedly
encounter the opportunity to show him your best, most positive self (while
learning that those amazing guys are everywhere!)
Now you know where the kooky, strange, and frustrating male behavior comes
from, and instead of putting all of your energy into wondering when hell take
170
your relationship to the next level, or why he tends to watch the game instead
of talking to you, put your energy into those attraction triggers of hisyour
natural glow when you smile, your feminine nature, your sexy curves, your
positive energy and the way you make him feel desired by you when you touch
his arm or lovingly steal a kiss from him no matter who is watching. (Everything
else is about communicating your needs.)
Now you know that in order to have a meaningful, exciting, and satisfying
relationship with a man, you have to understand men. And just like a brain
surgeon has to go to medical school, become a resident and pass her medical
board exams in order to operate on oneyou too, have to learn all about men
in order to get them, to be happy with them, and to land your happily ever
after!
Lastly, you know that youre no longer going to date a man (or if youre in a
relationship with one, deal with your boyfriend or husband) by rolling your
eyes, acting passive aggressive or picking fights over the things and attitudes
hes hardwired to act, think and be turned on, or turned off tobecause now,
after gaining the insight and exercises found in this book, you know what so
few other women know!
Now you know that those things that have driven you crazy about men in the
past are pointless, because those things you want from him (Just tell me how
you feel, or Seriously! Is sex always on your brain?) are the things you want
him to have and feel.
Just think about a relationship in which the guy you were with wasnt turned
on to you and not thinking about sex all the timethere would be something
171
wrong, right?
Of course there would be!
Youre no longer willing to repeat the dating mistakes of your pastand
you wontespecially when you take into account everything this book
has taught you about expectations, confidence and the approach (and your
responsibility with it!)
When it comes to your life, there is nothing more powerful than owning who
you are, knowing what youre looking for and totally and completely opening
yourself up to the possibilities of loveno matter how or when it shows up!
Make This Move, Not That Mistake (For Singles, Only)

Naturally, I didnt want to give you all of this (priceless!) information and then
throw you under the bus.
So this final chapter is devoted to a few clear cut examples of classic approach
and relationship scenarios, and what to do in each scenario to turn those
things that went wrong, into things to do thats right (and attract Mr. Right to
you, indefinitely!)
Scenario #1: The Guy Standing in Line at Starbucks Behind You (Who is
Desperately Trying to Get Your Attention!)
Every morning on your way to work, you cant possibly think about your hectic
172
day before walking into your neighborhood Starbuckswhich is the same

thing Mr. Wonderful thinks, too. For the second day in a row, the same cute guy
with the quirky sense of humor tries making conversation with you.
The problem is, youre so busy updating your Facebook status on your iPhone
that you miss his flirtations. Hes standing behind you, and when you dropped
your receipt as you wait for your double tall latte, he picks it up.
He makes bold eye contact with you, and smiles. Oh, a double tall latte. Thats
my order too, and smiles again. You dismiss his smile and think, He probably
smiles like that at everyone, and not knowing what else to say to you, he
leaves. Then you leave, thinking, Hope I bump into him again. He had a nice
smile.
Do This Instead
That guy with the nice smile is the rule, not the exception which is seeing
a beautiful woman that he wants to talk to, but not quite sure how. So, the
next time a guy hands you your receipt thats fallen to the ground, or makes
conversation with you in a store, in a park or at your favorite coffee shop, dont
assume he is chatty like this to everyone.
Dont assume he smiles and holds his eye contact to an eighty year old
grandmother the same way he does with you. Chances are, its the way
you hold yourself, the positive vibes youre giving out and your smile thats
motivating him to say hi.
So, take it as the optimal opportunity to invite him to keep it up! by
173
introducing yourself. Announce the elephant in the room by telling him hes
making your nervous or make a joke about how he orders the same drink as
you and keep the flirtation going.
When you do, it will be the best way to start your day (because sometimes a
latte just isnt enough!)
Scenario #2: Meeting Him in Person For the First Time (and He Doesnt
Look Like His Picture)
This is a classic date shredder situationthe funny, charming and amazing
guy you instantly connected with on an online dating site has just met you
at your favorite Italian restaurant, which youve been waiting all week for. The
problem is, he doesnt look much like his picture. Or, he would look like his
picture, if this was 1998.
He notices you right away, and he should because you uploaded and sent him
your favorite photo of you and your dog that was taken last month. He smiles,
walks over to you and gives you a hug. Stacy? Great to finally meet you! You
smile, a little baffled at his receding hairline that you didnt expect, and his
height, which didnt quite meet your expectations either.
Hes unaware that youre disappointed. Youre unaware of anything hes talking
about (his past experiences with online dating, his job, his dog) because you
cant stop thinking about his male pattern baldness.
174
The thing is, you missed all of the good stuff that could have happened on the
datestimulating conversation, discovering common interests and possible
flirtation (which is what first dates are all about, anyways!)
You go home early that night, blaming it on a stomach virus that all of a
sudden came on! and when he calls you two days later for a second date, you
screen his call and wonder where all the decent guys have gone.
Do This Instead
If youre online dating, and youve sparked an interest in a guy who seems like
a catchhis emails make you laugh, his looks gorgeous in his picture, and his
athletic body drives your libido up a notch) proceed with an open mind.
Online dating can be tricky, but done the right way, it can be the perfect
platform to meet an amazing, sweet and interesting guy. Implement a threestrikes-and-youre-out rule (no matter how well you think you know someone
online) so that offline you wont blow a chance to get to know the real him
live, and in person!
Lainies Story
A while back, a woman named Lainie (who I had worked with in the past)
had a dating experience that I want to share with you. She had spent a lot of
time reading the materials I wrote which are in my programs (for men) and
afterwards, felt empowered by her new-found knowledge of men and how
they work.
175
When you read her story, youll see that men get tons of advice as to how to
act and what to say to women from other men. A lot of the time they get bad
advice, and more than you think, they get horrible advice!
As a result of this bad advice on what turns women on, attracts them and gets
them into bed, men end up hiding who they are out of fear that it wont turn a
woman on.
Lainies Online Dating Experience
I recently met a man on Match.com because I wanted to meet different types
of men and break some of my old patterns that clearly are not working for me
(spending time with Marni and talking to her on the phone about men, my
patterns and attitudes that were preventing me from meeting the right guy
had something to do with that!) Not many of my matches were catching my
interest but one man did, who Ill call Peter.
Peter was my typetall, blue-eyed, and a boyishly handsome older guy with
a conservative job. He had some conservative outlooks on life, but funny and
eccentric like me, and sexy. Peter and I talked online for a few weeks and it
seemed like we had a lot in common.
When I asked him what he was looking for with online dating, he went on a
long speech about all the women he met, what they looked like, how old they
were, and how it ended.
It didnt offend me but it didnt make me feel wanted or that I was anything
special. Plus, he didnt actually answer the question. It felt like he was
176
bragging, and also complaining about the female race.

Then he asked me if I was free on New Years so he could check me out and
kick the tires. I did have plans on New Years with friends, and I told him this.
I also told him what I thought of his lengthy descriptions of his love life and
wasnt sure if he was truly interested in me and who I showed him I was at this
point.
Peter surprised me with a phone call that night and he said, Im sorry I talk too
much sometimes without thinking. I am very interested in you. I think youre
pretty and smart and we like a lot of the same things. I would love to meet you
and take you out. I think we would have a good time!
I immediately called up my Winggirl, Marni, and she said she was proud at
how I handled Peter, and was even more delighted when I told her that we
were going out for the first time that Saturday night to a cigar bar, followed by
dinner.
I realized in the past I would have either smart-mouthed the guy and alienated
him without thinking, or I wouldnt have bothered with him at all.
But I didnt do either and after another phone conversation where he told me
he went to his Godfathers memorial service the same day I went to my Uncle
Freddys funeral and the connection was stronger than ever, I realized it right
then and therewhat men really want is for women to nicely but assertively
tell them what they want.
They also want to know what we dont want. And knowing what we like and
177
dont like is a big plus too. When we do this, were helping them out, and
making their job a whole lot easier. In a nutshell, were taking the pressure to
be a mind reader off of their plate.
So, if he doesnt care what you like and dont like after youve told him, then
great. Hes an asshole, and the both of you can move on in different directions.
BUTif he cares and listens to what you say and is open and willing to making
you happy, then youve just closed the gap to the guessing game, the drama,
and the unnecessary heartache.
Make This Move, Not That Mistake (For Those in a

Relationship)
For all of you ladies in a relationship with a terrific, amazing, sweet and
thoughtful guy, and you want to escape those relationship pitfalls that cause
heartache, confusion and trouble in paradise, heres the big onea classic
trouble spot (that so many of us are guilty of!) that will allow you to see what
youre prone to doing, and how to make it right so that he always feels loved
and desired by you.
He Wants More Sex, You Want More Affection

This is the classic male/female debate, which is why sometimes its easy to
think: with all the differences between men and women, its pretty amazing we
can actually co-exist! Men are physical, while women are emotional.
So, what happens when you get frustrated by your boyfriend or husband
178
because it feels like you havent connected with him all week, and the only
time hes giving you the attention you crave is during the act of sex?
Heres the classic play by play (that most women get wrong): You come home
after a long day of work, and your boyfriend is watching the gamea game
youve forgotten about (and that hes been looking forward to all week.)
You make dinner while he watches the game. You eat dinner (while he watches
the game) and while you try to initiate some sort of verbal dialog while
chowing down on your killer tacos, hes not able to break away from the game
to connect and converse with you like you want.
By the end of dinner, youre fuming. You give him the silent treatment, and
go to bed angry (while he has no idea why youre upset and certainly doesnt
know how to fix it.)
Do This Instead
Refrain from thinking to the past, and all those times you had dinner made
after a hard day of work at the office and he was focused on something else.
Rememberhes not a mind reader.
Even if this situation has happened before, hes not hardwired to be tapped
into the emotional needs of a woman, because thats not how men work.
If he seems engrossed in the game, make your move when the commercials
come on. Tell him how youd love to hear about his day, and ask if this is an
179
important game, or if hes ok to record it and watch it a bit later on that night. If
he looks at you like a deer caught in headlights, then you have your answer.
This is an important game, so clearly let him know that as important of a game
this is to him, its that important to you that the two of you have some time
to be together afterwards. (He may be thinking of sex when you say that, and
you may be thinking conversation, but thats okwith any luck, you can have
both!)
Its so important that in order to have a great relationship with a man, you
have to understand a manwhat he wants, what he needs and how to best
communicate your needs to him in a way hell understand.
He doesnt think like you do, which means from his point of view, hes not
thinking, As soon as she comes home, Im going to get up, help her make
dinner and turn off the game. What he may be thinking is, Ive been looking
forward to that game all week! Period.
It doesnt mean he wants to be with you any less, and it doesnt mean he isnt
totally thankful for the meal you prepared, or the relationship hes in. Dont get
trapped in that way of thinking, because youre woman. Youre emotional, and
connection-inclined, and thats not how men work.
So now you know.
Now you have the tools to make your relationshipeither present or future
the most mind blowing, amazing, romantic and satisfying one ever. Thats
because deep down, those things you already possess (confidence, femininity,
180
a positive way of looking at the world and yourself ) is enough for him.
Hes simple (its us that complicate things!) All he asks for is that you take
him for what he is, and take the relationship where it goes without pressure,
nagging or ultimatums along the way.
Enjoy every bit of the process, because getting to know a great man who is
worth the ride, will make you want to go through those ups and downs, and
handle the unexpected and the surprises with himno eye rolling, no silent
treatment, no bullshit. Amazing men are all around you, so open your eyes and
take a look.
Treat the guy youre with as you would want him to treat you. Expect the
amazing around every corner, and thats just what youll find becausewhen
you understand what men really want, and why they do the things they do,
your entire relationship with them will change and become better than you
ever thought it could be.
Your Insider,
181

Thats Not How Men Work PDF

Caricato da

Informazioni sul documento

Titolo originale

Copyright

Formati disponibili

Condividi questo documento

Condividi o incorpora il documento

Opzioni di condivisione

Hai trovato utile questo documento?

Questo contenuto è inappropriato?

Copyright:

Formati disponibili

Thats Not How Men Work PDF

Caricato da

Copyright:

Formati disponibili

THE SECRET

Final Thoughts and Instruction............................................................................. 56

Turn Yourself On to Turn Him On.................................................................. 57

Exercise Five: Discovering Your Values and Owning Them.......................... 65

Learning Something About Men From a Classic Cartoon

The Caveman Effect..................................................................................... 102

You Got my Text, But What About the Subtext of my Text?......................115

Section Recap.................................................................................................. 123

First Date Flops + Disastrous Ultimatums .................................................. 139

Making Yourself Open for the Approach.................................................... 144

Conversational Starting Points.................................................................... 151

How to Achieve the Easy Approach.......................................................... 159

The Groove Method.................................................................................................163

Section Recap.................................................................................................. 168

Make This Move, Not That Mistake (For Those in a Relationship)............178

Thats Now How Men Work