Documenti di Didattica
Documenti di Professioni
Documenti di Cultura
com/>
<#sidr-main>
Psychology Today <https://www.psychologytoday.com/>
* Home
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/>
* Find a Therapist
Find
o Find a Therapist
<https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/?utm_source=PT_Psych_Today&u
tm_medium=House_Link&utm_campaign=PT_TopNavF_Therapist>
o Find a Psychiatrist
<https://psychiatrists.psychologytoday.com/rms/?utm_source=PT_Psych_Toda
y&utm_medium=House_Link&utm_campaign=PT_TopNavF_Psychiatrist>
o Find a Therapy Group
<https://groups.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_search.php?utm_source=PT_Ps
ych_Today&utm_medium=House_Link&utm_campaign=PT_TopNavF_Therapygroup>
o Find a Treatment Facility
<https://treatment.psychologytoday.com/rms/?utm_source=PT_Psych_Today&ut
m_medium=House_Link&utm_campaign=PT_TopNavF_Treatment>
Professionals
o Therapist Login
<https://member.psychologytoday.com/rms-sec/?utm_source=PT_Psych_Today&u
tm_medium=House_Link&utm_campaign=PT_TopNavBar_TherapistLogInN>
o Therapist Signup
<https://member.psychologytoday.com/therapist/?src=WWWTOP&utm_source=PT_
Psych_Today&utm_medium=House_Link&utm_campaign=PT_TopNav_SignupN>
Stay
* Topics
o
Addiction
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/addiction>
o
Aging
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/aging>
o
Animal Behavior
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/animal-behavior>
o
Anxiety
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/anxiety>
o
Autism
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/autism>
o
Behavioral Economics
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/behavioral-economics>
o
Child Development
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/child-development>
o
Cognition
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/cognition>
o
Creativity
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/creativity>
o
Depression
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/depression>
o
Diet
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/diet>
o
Eating Disorders
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/eating-disorders>
o
Education
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/education>
o
Environment
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/environment>
o
Ethics and Morality
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/ethics-and-morality>
o
Evolutionary Psychology
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/evolutionary-psychology>
o
Gender
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/gender>
o
Happiness
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/happiness>
o
Health
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/health>
o
Integrative Medicine
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/integrative-medicine>
o
Intelligence
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/intelligence>
o
Law and Crime
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/law-and-crime>
o
Media
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/media>
o
Memory
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/memory>
o
Neuroscience
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/neuroscience>
o
Parenting
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/parenting>
o
Personal Perspectives
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/personal-perspectives>
o
Personality
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/personality>
o
Philosophy
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/philosophy>
o
Politics
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/politics>
o
Procrastination
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/procrastination>
o
Psych Careers
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/psych-careers>
o
Psychiatry
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/psychiatry>
o
Race and Ethnicity
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/race-and-ethnicity>
o
Relationships
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/relationships>
o
Resilience
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/resilience>
o
Self-Help
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/self-help>
o
Sex
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/sex>
o
Sleep
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/sleep>
o
Social Life
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/social-life>
o
Spirituality
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/spirituality>
o
Sport and Competition
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/sport-and-competition>
o
Stress
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/stress>
o
Therapy
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/therapy>
o
Work
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/work>
o *See All*
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics>
Stay
* Get Help
o Mental Health
o Addiction
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/addiction>
o ADHD
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/adhd>
o Anxiety
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/anxiety>
o Asperger's
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/aspergers-syndrome>
o Autism
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/autism>
o Bipolar Disorder
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/bipolar-disorder>
o Chronic Pain
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/chronic-pain>
o Depression
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/depression>
o Eating Disorders
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/eating-disorders>
o Insomnia
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/insomnia>
o OCD
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/ocd>
o Schizophrenia
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/schizophrenia>
o Personality
o Passive Aggression
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/passive-aggression>
o Personality
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/personality>
o Shyness
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/shyness>
o Personal Growth
o Goal Setting
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/motivation>
o Happiness
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/happiness>
o Positive Psychology
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/positive-psychology>
o Stopping Smoking
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/smoking>
o Relationships
o Low Sexual Desire
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/low-sexual-desire>
o Relationships
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/relationships>
o Sex
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/sex>
o Emotion Management
o Anger
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/anger>
o Procrastination
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/procrastination>
o Stress
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/stress>
o Family Life
o Adolescence
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/adolescence>
o Child Development
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/child-development>
o Elder Care
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/caregiving>
o Parenting
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/parenting>
o Recently Diagnosed?
o Diagnosis Dictionary
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions>
o Talk To Someone
o Find A Therapist
<https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/?utm_source=PT_Psych_Today&u
tm_medium=House_Link&utm_campaign=PT_TopNav_GHelp>
Stay
* Magazine
March 2016
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/magazine/archive/2016/03>
It's Not All About You!
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/magazine/archive/2016/03>
The experience of awe may be the balm that can counteract our
narcissistic age.
o Subscribe
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/subscriptions/us?tr=TopNavSub>
o Issue Archive
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/magazine/archive>
o Customer Service
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/subscriptions/account?tr=TopNavAcct>
o Renew
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/subscriptions/account?tr=TopNavRenew>
o Give a Gift
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/subscriptions/us-gift?tr=TopNavGift>
Stay
* Tests
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/tests>
* Experts
o Recent Contributors
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/experts/recent>
o Experts by Topic
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/experts/topics>
o Public Speakers
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/experts/speakers>
o Media Interviews
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/experts/media>
o All
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/experts/all>
o Index of Blogs
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/index>
Stay
*
Search form
Search
Stay
Find a Therapist
<https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms?utm_source=PT_Psych_Today&utm_medium
=House_Link&utm_campaign=PT_BalTopB_find>
//
Therapists: Log In
<https://member.psychologytoday.com/rms-sec/?utm_source=PT_Psych_Today&utm_mediu
m=House_Link&utm_campaign=PT_HomeTopB_log>
| Sign Up
<https://member.psychologytoday.com/therapist/?utm_source=PT_Psych_Today&utm_med
ium=House_Link&utm_campaign=PT_HomeTopB_sign>
Peg Streep <https://www.psychologytoday.com/experts/peg-streep>
*Peg Streep
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/experts/peg-streep>* Tech Support
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support>
8 Types of Toxic Patterns in Mother-Daughter Relationships
Despite the commonalities, there are differences.
Posted Feb 02, 2015
*
SHARE
<https://facebook.com/dialog/share?app_id=220580041311284&display=popup&href
=https%3A//www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201502/8-types-toxic-patter
ns-in-mother-daughter-relationships&redirect_uri=https%3A//www.psychologytoday.c
om/blog/tech-support/201502/8-types-toxic-patterns-in-mother-daughter-relationsh
ips>
*
TWEET
<https://twitter.com/share?text=8%20Types%20of%20Toxic%20Patterns%20in%20Mot
her-Daughter%20Relationships%20%7C%20Psychology%20Today&url=https%3A//www.psycho
logytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201502/8-types-toxic-patterns-in-mother-daughter
-relationships&related=PsychToday>
*
EMAIL
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/printmail/1070493?destination=blog/tech-sup
port/201502/8-types-toxic-patterns-in-mother-daughter-relationships>
*
MORE
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/>
*
SHARE
<https://plus.google.com/share?url=https%3A//www.psychologytoday.com/blog/te
ch-support/201502/8-types-toxic-patterns-in-mother-daughter-relationships&hl=enUS>
*
SHARE
<https://www.linkedin.com/shareArticle?title=8%20Types%20of%20Toxic%20Patter
ns%20in%20Mother-Daughter%20Relationships%20%7C%20Psychology%20Today&url=https%3
A//www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201502/8-types-toxic-patterns-in-mo
ther-daughter-relationships&ro=false&mini=true>
*
STUMBLE
<http://www.stumbleupon.com/submit?title=8%20Types%20of%20Toxic%20Patterns%2
0in%20Mother-Daughter%20Relationships%20%7C%20Psychology%20Today&url=https%3A//w
ww.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201502/8-types-toxic-patterns-in-mother
-daughter-relationships>
*
SHARE
<http://www.reddit.com/submit?title=8%20Types%20of%20Toxic%20Patterns%20in%2
0Mother-Daughter%20Relationships%20%7C%20Psychology%20Today&url=https%3A//www.ps
ychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201502/8-types-toxic-patterns-in-mother-daug
hter-relationships>
Iakov Filimonov/Shutterstock
Source: Iakov Filimonov/Shutterstock
Its true enough that all daughters of unloving and unattuned mothers
have common experiences. The lack of maternal warmth and validation
warps their sense of self, makes them lack confidence
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/confidence> in or be wary of
close emotional connection, and shapes them in ways that are both seen
and unseen.
What are they missing? I will quote Judith Viorst because her
*2. Controlling*
In many ways, this is another form of the dismissive interaction
although it presents very differently; the key link is that the
controlling mother doesnt acknowledge her daughter any more than the
dismissive one does. These mothers micromanage their daughters, actively
refuse to acknowledge the validity of their words or choices, and
instill a sense of insecurity and helplessness in their offspring. Most
of this behavior is done under the guise of being for the childs own
good; the message is, effectively, that the daughter is inadequate,
cannot be trusted to exercise good judgment, and would simply flounder
and fail without her mothers guidance.
*3. Unavailable*
Emotionally unavailable mothers, those who actively withdraw at a
daughters approach or who withhold love from one child while granting
it to another, inflict a different kind of damage. Be mindful that all
children are hardwired to rely on their mothers thanks to evolution. My
mother wasnt mean, one daughter writes, But she was emotionally
disconnected from me and still is. These behaviors can include lack of
physical contact (no hugging, no comforting); unresponsiveness to a
childs cries or displays of emotion, and her articulated needs as she
gets older; and, of course, literal abandonment.
Literal abandonment leaves its own special scars, especially in a
culture which believes in the automatic nature
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/environment> of mother love and
instinctual behavior. In addition to being excruciatingly painful, it is
also bewildering. That was true for Eileen, 39, who has sorted through
many of these issues and, as a mother herself, now has limited contact
with her mother. Eileens parents divorced when she was four and she
lived with her mother until she was six when her mother decided that her
father was the appropriate parent after all. It was devastating for
the six-year-old, particularly since her father remarried and had
already had a first child in his new marriage
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/marriage>. There would be two
more. But the big question for Eileen was this: I could never
understand why my Mom didnt want to be around. I felt a huge part was
missing in my life and that only my Mom could fill it.
Advertisement
All of these behaviors leave daughters emotionally hungry and sometimes
desperately needy. The luckiest daughters will find another family
membera father, a grandparent, an aunt or an uncleto step into the
emotional breach which helps but doesnt heal; many dont. These
insecurely attached daughters often become clingy in adult
relationships, needing constant reassurance, from friends and lovers alike.
*4. Enmeshed*
While the first two types of behaviors describe mothers who distance
themselves from their children, enmeshment is the opposite: these
mothers do not acknowledge any kind of boundary between them, their
definition of self, and their children. In this case, the daughters
need for love and attention facilitates a maternal chokehold, exploiting
human nature in the service of another goal. These women are classic
stage mothers and live through their childrens achievements, which
they both demand and encourage; while they have a long historythe
mothers of Gypsy Rose Lee, Judy Garland, and Frances Farmer come
immediately to mindthey now have especial renown (and no shame
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/embarrassment>) thanks to
reality television. Vivian Gornicks memoir, /Fierce Attachments,/
should be required reading for any daughter who grew up with a mother
like this.
While the daughter of a dismissive or unavailable mother disappears
because of inattention and under-parenting
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/parenting>, the enmeshed
daughters sense of self is swallowed whole. Untangling enmeshmentthe
term alone conveys the difficultyis another road entirely because of
the absence of boundaries. A healthy and attuned maternal relationship
offers security and freedom to roam at oncethe infant is released from
her mothers arms to crawl, the adolescent counseled but listened to and
respectedand this pattern does not. Thats all missing in the enmeshed
relationship.
*5. Combative*
Open warfare characterizes this kind of interaction, though I have put
open in quotation marks for a reason. These mothers never acknowledge
their behaviors, and they are usually quite careful about displaying
them in public. Included in this group are the mothers who actively
denigrate their daughters, are hypercritical, intensely jealous
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/jealousy> of, or competitive
with their offspring. Yes, this is mean mother territory; the mother
takes advantage of the power play. I knowthe words power play and
mother seem incongruous combined in a single sentencebut I leave you
in the capable hands of Deborah Tannen, with a quotation I use often
because I simply cant phrase it better or with her authority:
This, in the end, may be the crux of a parents power over a child:
not only to create the world the child lives in but also to dictate
how that world is to be interpreted.
A child is no match for this warrior queen and, more dangerously, will
internalize the messages communicated by her. Many daughters report that
the pain of feeling responsible somehowthe belief that they made
their mothers react, or that they are unworthyis as crippling as the
lack of maternal love. Blame and shame was usually this mothers weapons
of choice.
The combative mother uses verbal and emotional abuse to win but can
resort to physical force as well. She rationalizes her behaviors as
being necessary because of defects in her daughters character or
behavior. This is dangerous territory.
*6. Unreliable*
This is, in many ways, the hardest behavior for a daughter to cope with,
because she never knows if the good mommy or the bad mommy will show
up. All children form mental images of what relationships in the real
world look like based on their connections to their mothers; these
daughters understand emotional connection to be fraught, precarious, and
even dangerous. In an interview for my book, Mean Mothers, Jeanne (a
pseudonym) said:
I trace my own lack of self-confidence back to my mother. She was
include mothering not just their mothers but their siblings, as well.
There are fragile mothers who also interact in this way, claiming
health <https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/health> or other issues.
Ironically, these mothers may love their daughters but lack the capacity
to act on their feelings. While these behaviors are hurtful, with
therapy <https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/therapy> or
intervention, many daughters report reconciliation in adulthood as well
as understanding <https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/empathy>.
*A Few Thoughts*
Despite what we prefer to believe, the female of our species isnt
hardwired to love her offspring; it is the child, not the mother, whom
evolution has equipped with a powerful need as an aid to survival. Its
estimated that half of us, plus or minus, hit the jackpot and have
mothers who range from great to good enough. This is not to say that
these mothers are perfecthuman beings, by definition, make
mistakesor that they dont sometimes, at one moment or another, exhibit
any of these kinds of interaction. It happens, but it doesnt constitute
a /pattern/.
But for those of us who didnt fare as well in the lottery, there is
hope and healing. To those who have trouble understanding, please listen
and dont put these daughters on trial because they challenge what you
would like to believe about mothering and motherhood.
Please exhibit the trait
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/personality> these mothers lack.
Its called /empathy/.
Copyright 2015 Monika Kocladja
Source: Copyright 2015 Monika Kocladja
/*Copyright Peg Streep 2015*/
Photograph copyright Monika Koclajda. Used with permission.
Visit the photographer s Facebook page(link is external)
<http://www.facebook.com/MonikaKoclajdaPhotography>.
*VISIT ME ON Facebook(link is external)
<http://www.facebook.com/PegStreepAuthor>*
*READ MY BOOKS *
* /Mastering the Art of Quitting: Why It Matters in Life, Love, and Work/
* /Mean Mothers: Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt/
Viorst, Judith. /Necessary Losses/. New York: Fireside Books, 1986.
Tannen, Deborah. /Youre Wearing That? Mothers and Daughters in
Conversation. /New York: Ballantine, 2006.
Gornick, Vivian,/Fierce Attachments: A Memoir/. New York: Farrar,Straus
& Giroux, 2005.
Karr, Mary. /The Liars Club: A Memoir/. New York: Penguin Books, 2005.
*
SHARE
<https://facebook.com/dialog/share?app_id=220580041311284&display=popup&href
=https%3A//www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201502/8-types-toxic-patter
ns-in-mother-daughter-relationships&redirect_uri=https%3A//www.psychologytoday.c
om/blog/tech-support/201502/8-types-toxic-patterns-in-mother-daughter-relationsh
ips>
*
TWEET
<https://twitter.com/share?text=8%20Types%20of%20Toxic%20Patterns%20in%20Mot
her-Daughter%20Relationships%20%7C%20Psychology%20Today&url=https%3A//www.psycho
logytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201502/8-types-toxic-patterns-in-mother-daughter
-relationships&related=PsychToday>
*
EMAIL
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/printmail/1070493?destination=blog/tech-sup
port/201502/8-types-toxic-patterns-in-mother-daughter-relationships>
*
MORE
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/>
*
SHARE
<https://plus.google.com/share?url=https%3A//www.psychologytoday.com/blog/te
ch-support/201502/8-types-toxic-patterns-in-mother-daughter-relationships&hl=enUS>
*
SHARE
<https://www.linkedin.com/shareArticle?title=8%20Types%20of%20Toxic%20Patter
ns%20in%20Mother-Daughter%20Relationships%20%7C%20Psychology%20Today&url=https%3
A//www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201502/8-types-toxic-patterns-in-mo
ther-daughter-relationships&ro=false&mini=true>
*
STUMBLE
<http://www.stumbleupon.com/submit?title=8%20Types%20of%20Toxic%20Patterns%2
0in%20Mother-Daughter%20Relationships%20%7C%20Psychology%20Today&url=https%3A//w
ww.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201502/8-types-toxic-patterns-in-mother
-daughter-relationships>
*
SHARE
<http://www.reddit.com/submit?title=8%20Types%20of%20Toxic%20Patterns%20in%2
0Mother-Daughter%20Relationships%20%7C%20Psychology%20Today&url=https%3A//www.ps
ychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201502/8-types-toxic-patterns-in-mother-daug
hter-relationships>
Show 155 Comments
<#>
Re: Thank you!
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/748507#comment-748507>
Submitted by JM on February 3, 2015 - 1:45am
What a wonderful article! Thank you so much for writing about this
subject. My mother was, and still is, both unavailable and
self-involved. She is revered by people in our community (a local
celebrity). She emotionally and physically abandoned me at 6 years old,
yet I saw her from time to time because she spent a lot of time with my
sister. She continues to be very close and connected with my sister, and
she continues to be apathetic and cold toward me.
I have various other issues (childhood sexual abuse by multiple
offenders, etc.), but nothing has caused more more damage than my issues
with my mother. If anything, those other issues were intensified by the
pain and confusion from the deep wounds from my mother. I ceased all
communication with my mother and sister in March 2014. The funny thing
is that I never even had to tell my mother that I wasn t speaking to her
anymore. I simply stopped calling her, and she never called me again.
She literally does not seem to care if I am dead or alive. In fact, she
probably wishes I was dead so that she wouldn t have to deal with the
knowledge of my existence.
I am in my mid-30 s, and it is still excruciatingly painful, like a
wound that simply will not heal... I m frustrated and embarrassed that I
am unable to put it behind me. Anyway, thanks again for the wonderful
article.
* Reply to JM
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/748507>
* Quote JM
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/748507?quote=1#commen
t-form>
*
*
*
Good luck
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/748546#comment-748546>
Submitted by Peg Streep
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/experts/peg-streep> on February 3, 2015
- 9:30am
Hi JM, I am saddened by your story, of course. I m not a therapist or
psychologist but I would urge you to get some help dealing with the
issue. You CAN put this behind you (not totally but enough so that you
can live with wholeness) by working with a counselor. Therapy absolutely
saved my life. This is a journey that can be undertaken; I know it
firsthand. All best, Peg
* Reply to Peg Streep
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/748546>
* Quote Peg Streep
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/748546?quote=1#commen
t-form>
*
*
*
Thank you, Peg...
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/748666#comment-748666>
replaced in that way; siblings, at most, only share 50% of their DNA
after all. I have heard from children of Holocaust survivors who were
"replacements" for children lost in war and death camps and the results
were mixed and, of course, utterly dependent on the parental
expectations for how a new child would assuage the loss. As you know,
I m neither a therapist nor a psychologist so I m not qualified to
discuss disorders. But this scenario, to a layperson who is a mother
herself, does sound like a recipe for disaster with disappointment built
in that has nothing to do with you. Good luck on your journey of healing
and in your studies. Best, Peg
* Reply to Peg Streep
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/748713>
* Quote Peg Streep
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/748713?quote=1#commen
t-form>
*
*
*
Karma <https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/809403#comment-809403>
Submitted by Denise on December 26, 2015 - 1:54pm
Have you ever considered changing your given name? Doing so would be
much more than just a symbolic step, I think.
* Reply to Denise
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/809403>
* Quote Denise
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/809403?quote=1#commen
t-form>
*
*
*
To whom is this addressed? I
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/809420#comment-809420>
Submitted by Peg Streep
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/experts/peg-streep> on December 26,
2015 - 3:48pm
To whom is this addressed? I don t understand.
* Reply to Peg Streep
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/809420>
* Quote Peg Streep
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/809420?quote=1#commen
t-form>
*
*
*
Peg- I think the comment
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/809453#comment-809453>
*
Help me Please!!
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/797499#comment-797499>
Submitted by Chiffon on October 29, 2015 - 9:59am
I deal with a mother who displays all 8 patterns and it feels like more
than one at most. I m sick of being judged BC of the way I feel about
this woman. The word mother means nothing to me as it relates to mine.
My mother gave birth to me at the age of 28. She was not a child. She is
a evil spirit. She has never emotionally connected with me and she
treats my kids the same way she treated me. She treats us like we are
just people she knows no relation to her. Like I didn t come give birth
to me. I can t connect to anyone and I don t believe anyone truly care
about me. My life is ruined BC of her. I want nothing to do with her. If
she died, I don t want to know and I hope I m not responsible. I don t
feel bad BC my feelings are valid. I need help and don t know what to do
about it.
* Reply to Chiffon
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/797499>
* Quote Chiffon
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/797499?quote=1#commen
t-form>
*
*
*
mothers & Daughters
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/779546#comment-779546>
Submitted by Annie on August 4, 2015 - 11:43am
what about when a mother goes above and beyond for their daughter but
the daughter doesn t appreciate and becomes disrespectful i.e. swearing
* Reply to Annie
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/779546>
* Quote Annie
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/779546?quote=1#commen
t-form>
*
*
*
What do you mean by "going
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/779549#comment-779549>
Submitted by Peg Streep
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/experts/peg-streep> on August 4, 2015 11:47am
What do you mean by "going above and beyond?" Without knowing what you
mean by that, it s not possible to answer.
* Reply to Peg Streep
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/779549>
* Quote Peg Streep
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/779549?quote=1#commen
t-form>
*
*
*
Going above and beyond
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/779771#comment-779771>
Submitted by Annie on August 5, 2015 - 3:10pm
What do you mean "going above and beyond" is a well known saying... it
means I am doing everything a normal mom would do for her grown daughter
* Reply to Annie
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/779771>
* Quote Annie
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/779771?quote=1#commen
t-form>
*
*
*
As the mother of a grown
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/779772#comment-779772>
Submitted by Peg Streep
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/experts/peg-streep> on August 5, 2015 3:20pm
As the mother of a grown daughter myself, I would simply say that
perhaps whatever it is that you are doing isn t what your daughter
wants. There s always tension in mother-daughter relationships, even in
loving ones, when a daughter reaches adulthood and makes her own choices
and decisions. It is also a time when, even in healthy relationships,
the daughter sets new boundaries and the mother has to adjust to the
fact that those choices are not necessarily one she would make and
the boundaries may be more hard and fast than she would like. Your
daughter may feel intruded on, and may actually not want your help. And
that should be okay too.
* Reply to Peg Streep
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/779772>
* Quote Peg Streep
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/779772?quote=1#commen
t-form>
*
*
*
Another Way to Look At these Mothers
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/788938#comment-788938>
Submitted by Cria Lantern on September 20, 2015 - 10:08pm
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/788938>
* Quote Cria Lantern
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/788938?quote=1#commen
t-form>
*
*
*
I could not disagree with you
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/789002#comment-789002>
Submitted by Peg Streep
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/experts/peg-streep> on September 21,
2015 - 8:28am
I could not disagree with you more. I think it s vital that these issues
be discussed in the context of understanding that maternal behavior is
learned, not instinctual, and that not all mothers are capable of
meeting their children s basic emotional needs. Conscious awareness and
open discussion is what our society needs. We already have enough taboos
to go around.
* Reply to Peg Streep
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/789002>
* Quote Peg Streep
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/789002?quote=1#commen
t-form>
*
*
*
Black and White Thinking
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/795527#comment-795527>
Submitted by Kathleen on October 19, 2015 - 5:18pm
Saying mothering is "learned, not instinctual" and then forming your
thesis based on this is too simplistic. But then you go to "conscious
awareness and open discussion" which becomes very nebulous... . What I
think about when I read this article, and examine my experience of being
mothered and of mothering is that we (most of us, anyway) are really
doing the best we can, and are motivated but what feels (at the time)
like survival. What I ve come to feel about my own mother is a sense of
wistfulness. She is still alive and we have a relationship of sorts; but
not the one I wish it was. She is not capable of being the nurturing
loving mom I wish I had - and I feel that loss. Now that I have come
full circle with my own daughter. I know she is filled with anger and
pain at the way I mothered her. I appreciate the suggestion of
"counseling" you provided in your comment previously. Please know I have
done LOTS of work on my stuff. Groups, retreats, individual sessions,
12-step work, etc. I put myself through graduate school and am a
licensed clinical provider. I am very aware of my issues from a personal
and theoretical perspective. What I find frustrating about these kinds
of articles is that you ve taken a very complex issue and boiled it down
to a "fault list." You ve given us all "ammunition" to critic and
condemn our mothers, but very little about how to heal. Healing doesn t
come from getting our mothers to change. Mine is 85, and I don t see it
happening in this lifetime. Healing comes from my recognizing she was a
*
*
Psychologists/Psychiatrists: Work On YOURSELVES, you are TOXIC!
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/812531#comment-812531>
Submitted by Bravo Kathleen & Others who challenge this PscyhoBABBLE on
January 10, 2016 - 1:41am
Saying mothering is "learned, not instinctual" and then forming your
thesis based on this is too simplistic. But then you go to
"conscious awareness and open discussion" which becomes very
nebulous... . What I think about when I read this article, and
examine my experience of being mothered and of mothering is that we
(most of us, anyway) are really doing the best we can, and are
motivated but what feels (at the time) like survival. What I ve come
to feel about my own mother is a sense of wistfulness. She is still
alive and we have a relationship of sorts; but not the one I wish it
was. She is not capable of being the nurturing loving mom I wish I
had - and I feel that loss. Now that I have come full circle with my
own daughter. I know she is filled with anger and pain at the way I
mothered her. I appreciate the suggestion of "counseling" you
provided in your comment previously. Please know I have done LOTS of
work on my stuff. Groups, retreats, individual sessions, 12-step
work, etc. I put myself through graduate school and am a licensed
clinical provider. I am very aware of my issues from a personal and
theoretical perspective. What I find frustrating about these kinds
of articles is that you ve taken a very complex issue and boiled it
down to a "fault list." You ve given us all "ammunition" to critic
and condemn our mothers, but very little about how to heal. Healing
doesn t come from getting our mothers to change. Mine is 85, and I
don t see it happening in this lifetime. Healing comes from my
recognizing she was a product of her childhood (9th child born in
the depression with an absent alcoholic father). I m quite sure she
didn t get much nurturing either. Healing comes from allowing her to
do a better job with her grandchildren (and she did). Healing comes
from finding other (healthy) sources to fill the hole left from the
loss I felt. I hope my daughter finds the healing, but that she also
comes to a place where she can be less judgmental and more
compassionate. I think we will both benefit from that change.
* Reply to Bravo Kathleen & Others who challenge this PscyhoBABBLE
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/812531>
* Quote Bravo Kathleen & Others who challenge this PscyhoBABBLE
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/812531?quote=1#commen
t-form>
*
*
*
Mother-daughter (child) dynamics
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/793639#comment-793639>
Submitted by Sandy on October 9, 2015 - 6:55pm
I recently read Dr. J Webb, "Running on empty" It was very insightful to
me in understanding and analyzing my mom, myself and my daughter and our
current relationship dynamics. Moms/parents are well meaning- we have a
taken a first step and you can change how you act. Seeking some help and
counseling so you can talk openly and freely about your own experiences
would be a step. I m not a therapist or psychologist but I know that
therapy saved my life in many ways and has helped mothers and daughters
alike. Good luck to you. Best,, Peg
* Reply to Peg Streep
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/795472>
* Quote Peg Streep
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/795472?quote=1#commen
t-form>
*
*
*
"Feel" unloved, but were they?
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/813979#comment-813979>
Submitted by Kate on January 16, 2016 - 5:42pm
Yesterday I saw my daughter for the first time in six years. She s 21
now. I sat down at the table, she pulled out some notes and glanced at
them. Her initial statement? "I spent my childhood doing laundry and".
I don t remember what the second thing was but I don t think it was "
doing gymnastics, studying violin, attending excellent schools, dancing,
cleaning my room by throwing clean clothes into the hamper, being given
laptops to spend hours typing, fine quality materials for painting &
drawing, etc. most importantly, being loved, taught the importance of
education and knowledge, being cared for as my mother made sure every
day to let me know to I was loved, trying to reach through my inborn
anxiety and stress". She had two henchmen with her and I wonder if they
believed that doing laundry was abuse. I wonder if they understand that
her father was alienated from his mother, possibly by his father, A
pattern that continues because of his failure to support all children s
need for mothering? I wonder if they understand that her father
willfully denied me money, making sure I had no money to pay a lawyer or
even to buy sufficient groceries so he could appear to be the hero who
cooked for his children? Did they understand that the social worker who
investigated her claim that I had torn her t-shirt and told her to walk
on broken glass knew she was lying and told her father to get counseling
to identify his emotional enmeshment/emotional incest with her? That the
"child family investigator" didn t understand basic, validated mental
health diagnoses beyond the few, some controversial she uses in her
tiny, tiny toolbox? That this CFI is well known in the community for her
women-hating and mother-blaming?
I have been portrayed as "mean" by my daughter, "broken" by my
ex-husband, caring, compassionate, loving by my friends, by the parents
of her peers in her very small K-8 school and by acquaintances, as "mom"
by her brother.
Sure, I understand there are lousy moms but so many fewer than people
like this would have us believe. There are two sides to every storyI ve learned to doubt many of those that condemn the mother, especially
when the father is not on the radar in anyway and more especially
because the majority of narcissists are men. Let s start taking a look
at what those men and some in "family" law are doing to mothers that
make them into scapegoats. (I was told I was the source of conflict yet
dozens of times screaming and yelling is heard between my children and
their father and there s nothing I can do. Power is in the hands of the
moneyed.)
* Reply to Kate
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/813979>
* Quote Kate
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/813979?quote=1#commen
t-form>
*
*
*
Reply to Kate
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/814722#comment-814722>
Submitted by Kim on January 20, 2016 - 11:07am
Kate, I don t believe she was generalizing "mean moms" Shoot, I ve been
mean many times and although I think I am, for the most part, a great
mom, I know how much I have personally messed up. Some of the things I
have most definitely inherited from my past and some maybe just bad
habits I don t want to give up? Regardless, I do apologize to my
daughter when I know I ve wronged her or argue my point if I don t
believe I am wrong. Once again, maybe wrong but I try to be the best mom
I am capable of.
I am still emotionally scarred from the verbal abuse my mom has
tormented me with as an adult into mature adulthood for over 25 yrs. I
have never ever received an apology for all the garbage she s thrown at
me until just recently when I won t put up with her nonsense any longer
and tell her like it is. Now she ll give an apology for little ways
she s not handled something appropriately. But the destruction she
caused to my emotional life is still causing havoc as I ve never gone
for counseling for many reasons (would have killed to if there was a way).
I m sure you are a great mom that still makes mistakes. Kids are kids
and they ll find out some day... Just don t take this personally! The
mom s who should take it personally, IF they ever were to read this,
hopefully would get the slap in the face they need to wake up and do
what they have to do to change!
Yesterday I saw my daughter for the first time in six years. She s
21 now. I sat down at the table, she pulled out some notes and
glanced at them. Her initial statement? "I spent my childhood doing
laundry and". I don t remember what the second thing was but I
don t think it was " doing gymnastics, studying violin, attending
excellent schools, dancing, cleaning my room by throwing clean
clothes into the hamper, being given laptops to spend hours typing,
fine quality materials for painting & drawing, etc. most
importantly, being loved, taught the importance of education and
knowledge, being cared for as my mother made sure every day to let
me know to I was loved, trying to reach through my inborn anxiety
and stress". She had two henchmen with her and I wonder if they
believed that doing laundry was abuse. I wonder if they understand
that her father was alienated from his mother, possibly by his
father, A pattern that continues because of his failure to support
all children s need for mothering? I wonder if they understand that
her father willfully denied me money, making sure I had no money to
pay a lawyer or even to buy sufficient groceries so he could appear
to be the hero who cooked for his children? Did they understand that
the social worker who investigated her claim that I had torn her
t-shirt and told her to walk on broken glass knew she was lying and
told her father to get counseling to identify his emotional
enmeshment/emotional incest with her? That the "child family
investigator" didn t understand basic, validated mental health
diagnoses beyond the few, some controversial she uses in her tiny,
tiny toolbox? That this CFI is well known in the community for her
women-hating and mother-blaming?
I have been portrayed as "mean" by my daughter, "broken" by my
ex-husband, caring, compassionate, loving by my friends, by the
parents of her peers in her very small K-8 school and by
acquaintances, as "mom" by her brother.
Sure, I understand there are lousy moms but so many fewer than
people like this would have us believe. There are two sides to every
story- I ve learned to doubt many of those that condemn the mother,
especially when the father is not on the radar in anyway and more
especially because the majority of narcissists are men. Let s start
taking a look at what those men and some in "family" law are doing
to mothers that make them into scapegoats. (I was told I was the
source of conflict yet dozens of times screaming and yelling is
heard between my children and their father and there s nothing I can
do. Power is in the hands of the moneyed.)
* Reply to Kim
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/814722>
* Quote Kim
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/814722?quote=1#commen
t-form>
*
*
*
Dejavu <https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/819921#comment-819921>
Submitted by Rhonda on February 13, 2016 - 7:30am
I have your problem exactly. Fortunately i could afford a lawyer. I
believe this to be domestic violence outside of the marraige and your
daughter like mine is a scapegoat. He probably let her do what she
wanted, when she wanted and if anything goes wrong it was your fault?
??? I m sorry for what u have been through and hope your daughter can
see what her father is. He is toxic and using your daughter as pawn.
Karma will prevail. What goes around comes around. U r a fantastic
mother and don t u believe otherwise xxx
* Reply to Rhonda
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/819921>
* Quote Rhonda
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/819921?quote=1#commen
t-form>
*
*
*
not condemmed
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/795514#comment-795514>
Today, she ll say that she no longer has those "warm fuzzy feelings"
toward me. I m simply an obligation.
She believes wholeheartedly in that verse that following Jesus will
drive a wedge between family members, and she saw nothing wrong with
that wedge being drawn when her daughter was only 8 years old.
* Reply to Elisabeth
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/800214>
* Quote Elisabeth
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/800214?quote=1#commen
t-form>
*
*
*
Reply to Sue
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/809665#comment-809665>
Submitted by Kim on December 27, 2015 - 10:30pm
Sue, I am also a Christian and I do love my mother as she is my mother
BUT I learned from my little brother and my Pastor that we can Love the
abuser but we don t have to stick around and continue being abused!
Yes God know s I ve made a billion mistakes over the years and in my
teens but I am 52 yrs. old. I have a 14 yr. old daughter and yet my
mother still reinforces over and over year after year every way I have
messed up and keeps logs so she can (Inaccurately) throw things in my face.
My point being we can Love the abuser, forgive the abuser, hope and pray
that we will one day have a loving kind and wonderful relationship with
the abuser but I am not going to Unconditionally love somebody who is
abusing me! Forget it. I am more important than that to me. I want and
choose LIFE, Happiness, Love, and most importantly Forgiveness of others...
* Reply to Kim
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/809665>
* Quote Kim
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/809665?quote=1#commen
t-form>
*
*
*
It sounds like...
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/809441#comment-809441>
Submitted by Telly on December 26, 2015 - 6:15pm
What do you mean "going above and beyond" is a well known saying...
it means I am doing everything a normal mom would do for her grown
daughter
I hazard a guess that the empathy, emotional support and unconditional
acceptance your daughter really needs is absent. Narcissistic mothers
consider themselves as "going above and beyond" while never really
providing the basic mothering that is so desperately needed.
* Reply to Telly
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/809441>
* Quote Telly
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/809441?quote=1#commen
t-form>
*
*
*
mothers and daughters
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/779553#comment-779553>
Submitted by mom on August 4, 2015 - 12:08pm
That is the other side of the coin and there are always 2 sides to the
story. There are many mothers who are loving and giving with daughters
who are disrespectful and angry. Many times it is a family problem. M-D
relationships r complicated.
This is a lay persons blog.
* Reply to mom
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/779553>
* Quote mom
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/779553?quote=1#commen
t-form>
*
*
*
This is indeed a blog written
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/779557#comment-779557>
Submitted by Peg Streep
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/experts/peg-streep> on August 4, 2015 12:17pm
This is indeed a blog written by a layperson who depends on research and
many, many interviews conducted over an eight period with unloved
daughters. No one, including myself, ever said that mother-daughter
relationships aren t complicated; they are. And yes, other family
members and relationships, both in their absence and presence, affect
the mother-daughter relationship. But the word "disrespectful" that
you ve used does ring a bell. Is that respect due you because you are a
mother or respect due you because you have done your best? There is a
difference, a profound one.
* Reply to Peg Streep
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/779557>
* Quote Peg Streep
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/779557?quote=1#commen
t-form>
*
*
*
face your conflict
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/795516#comment-795516>
I am in my late 40s and still feel the same issues with my mother.
It ll always be difficult as long as you are the only one making any
effort to work through this.
Stay strong and know that people are here to talk to
* Reply to sandra
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/822327>
* Quote sandra
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/822327?quote=1#commen
t-form>
*
*
*
Thankyou for sharing
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/827100#comment-827100>
Submitted by Alison on March 18, 2016 - 1:27am
It was both harrowing and familiar to read your piece ...I am in the
early stages of no contact with my mum .. at 48 I wish I d done this
sooner ( but everyone kept saying it can t be that bad .. She s your mum
etc .. You only get one ! )
But my mother couldn t love or care for me and I was and have been
emotionally starved all my life .. . It has affected all my
relationships and made me have no self worth .. Emotional abuse is the
very worst and for me has been a life sentence .. I m doing lots of
reading on the subject of narcisstic mothers and now trying to reclaim
my life ..stArted new counselling ( I ve had lots ) but really ready to
tackle this new phase Of my life .. I d love to join or set up a support
group do none of us need suffer in silence .. Let me know if you re
interested or anyone else reading this ... Ditsytose47@gmail.com(link
sends e-mail) <mailto:Ditsytose47@gmail.com>
And good luck and well done to all of us surviving this ordeal .. Let s
break the legacy they left us !
* Reply to Alison
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/827100>
* Quote Alison
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/827100?quote=1#commen
t-form>
*
*
*
My mom is number 6, 7 and 8.
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/748536#comment-748536>
Submitted by Hanna on February 3, 2015 - 8:29am
My mom is number 6, 7 and 8.
I never knew how she would treat me and I always had to walk on
eggshells. She could be nice sometimes and I could make her laugh until
she almost peed herself, but if I had any needs or questioned her
strange ways of handling life she became very cold and hostile.
Sometimes she threatened to throw me out and other times she gave me and
my siblings feelings of guilt and shame by saying she might end up in
hospital because of us. She blamed me and my siblings for everything and
I had to mother both her and my siblings. My mom was 17 when she had me
and today she has 5 children.
Sometimes mom could be proud of me but it was hard to know if she was
proud because she was my mom, if she just pretended to be because it s
the right thing to do or sometimes because others were around and so on.
My mom has also stolen money from practically everyone she knows
including me. It didn t matter that I was overly nice and good as a
child she didn t spare me any pain anyway. Today we have no contact but
I haven t even had the chance to cut off contact before she did it.
Mom grew up with an alcoholic mother who was ten times worst than mom,
hard to imagine but that s how it was. She could leave mom with her
siblings all alone for days when mom was 6 and her siblings 5 and 1,5
years old. Of course mom has told me about this lots of times and she
also used to share everything else with me, a lot of inappropriate stuff
that children shouldn t know of.
My stepfather was also a terrible person (although, as with all people,
he could be kind and friendly now and then).
I m working a lot on healing, seeing my true worth and developing the
talents I have. It s amazing how talented most people are but with
mothers like this we don t know exactly how good we are.
* Reply to Hanna
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/748536>
* Quote Hanna
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/748536?quote=1#commen
t-form>
*
*
*
An important topic; well done
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/748604#comment-748604>
Submitted by Annie on February 3, 2015 - 1:43pm
I think its both innovative and really useful to discuss negative
maternal behaviors this way, without assigning formal psychological
diagnostic labels to the behaviors. That makes it clear that its the
negative maternal behaviors that are destructive and traumatizing to the
children and need to be discussed in order to find answers to reducing
this kind of damage to children (breaking the cycle of abuse) in the future.
My own theory is that most (if not all) of these negative behavior
patterns engaged in by mothers RE their daughters, happen (a) because
the child is unwanted, and/or (b) because the mother does have some form
of and degree of mental disorder.
There could be any number of reasons that a woman might not really want
to be a mother but tries to, anyway.
task. And, yes, being a good mother is hard work. But there will always
be women who have children because they need to be loved by someone, and
that too often ends in disaster as well.
* Reply to Peg Streep
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/748607>
* Quote Peg Streep
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/748607?quote=1#commen
t-form>
*
*
*
In response to ANNIE
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/748647#comment-748647>
Submitted by courtney on February 3, 2015 - 5:06pm
Annie,
I have the exact same situation with my mother as you do...is there
anyway you could email me? I am very seriously considering writing a
book about this, because I just now discovered what my mother had done
to me at the age of 46! I never knew that there was a label to her crazy
ways!! I want to inform other women, so they can realize they are not
alone and how they can get help...if I had known about Narcissitic
mothers, I would have cut off all ties with her 30 years ago!!!
* Reply to courtney
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/748647>
* Quote courtney
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/reply/1070493/748647?quote=1#commen
t-form>
*
*
*
You are not alone, Courtney
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/comment/748668#comment-748668>
Submitted by Annie on February 3, 2015 - 9:14pm
Hi Courtney,
There are entire websites and online support groups devoted to helping
the adult children of personality-disordered parents recover from the
drama, chaos and stress and learn ways to cope more effectively with
personality-disordered parents. At these support groups you can find
lots of people who will share their experiences and I guarantee that
some posts will feel uncannily as though you yourself wrote them. When
you share your experiences and questions you will get lots of input,
validation, support, feedback, and potentially a lot of background
material for your book.
(Be aware that there are literally a dozen or more books on the subject
of personality-disordered parents and other loved ones, now; check out
Amazon for an extensive list. Awareness of the Cluster B personality
disorders has increased dramatically over the last few years.)
<javascript:;>
Post Comment
Your name
E-mail
The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
Homepage
Subject:
Comment: *
Notify me when new comments are posted
All comments
Replies to my comment
Advertisement
Tech Support <https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support>
Relationships in the digital age
Peg Streep <https://www.psychologytoday.com/experts/peg-streep>
*Peg Streep*, the author or co-author of nine books, is a New York
City-based writer currently working on a book about the Millennial
generation.
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/experts/peg-streep>
FACEBOOK(link is external) <http://www.facebook.com/PegStreepauthor>
Most Recent Posts from Tech Support
Photograph by Sebastian Pichler. Copyright free. Unsplash.com
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201604/6-reasons-its-easy-befooled-narcissist>
6 Reasons It s Easy to Be Fooled by a Narcissist
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201604/6-reasons-its-easy
-be-fooled-narcissist>
No joke: They are very good at what they do.
Danielle Marroquin. Copyright free. Unsplash.com
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201603/unloved-daughters-4-ti
ps-make-self-compassion-easier>
Unloved Daughters: 4 Tips to Make Self-Compassion Easier
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201603/unloved-daughters4-tips-make-self-compassion-easier>
1. Spend some time with a photograph of yourself when you were little.
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201602/4-myths-about-how-we-l
ive-today>
4 Myths About How We Live Today
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201602/4-myths-about-howwe-live-today>
The nuclear family that never was, and more.
See More Posts <https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support>
Advertisement
Most Popular
1.
1
johnhain/Pixabay
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201604/what-actual
ly-happens-when-narcissist-looks-in-the-mirror>
What Actually Happens When a Narcissist Looks in the Mirror?
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201604/whatactually-happens-when-narcissist-looks-in-the-mirror>
2.
2
Fotolia.com
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/20
1604/7-signs-youre-not-mentally-strong-youre-just-acting>
7 Signs You re Not Mentally Strong, You re Just Acting Tough
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont
-do/201604/7-signs-youre-not-mentally-strong-youre-just-acting>
3.
3
www.fotosearch.com
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201210/are-you
-narcissist-6-sure-signs-narcissism>
Are You a Narcissist? 6 Sure Signs of Narcissism
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201210/a
re-you-narcissist-6-sure-signs-narcissism>
4.
4
Flickr: Omarukai
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/lifetime-connections/201604/do-smart-p
eople-make-good-friends>
Do Smart People Make Good Friends?
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/lifetime-connections/201604/do-s
mart-people-make-good-friends>
5.
5
Animal Cruelty and the Sadism of Everyday Life
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/animals-and-us/201309/animal-cruelty-a
nd-the-sadism-everyday-life>
Animal Cruelty and the Sadism of Everyday Life
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/animals-and-us/201309/animal-cru
elty-and-the-sadism-everyday-life>
Advertisement
You Might Also Like
* When is Mother-Daughter Texting Too Much?
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/birth-babies-and-beyond/201409/when-is
-mother-daughter-texting-too-much>
* The Mother-Daughter Bond
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200104/the-mother-daughter-bond>
* How Close is Too Close in Mother-Daughter Relationships?
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/singletons/201302/how-close-is-too-clo
se-in-mother-daughter-relationships>
* Delicate Mother-Daughter Subjects: Don t Talk, Write!
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cusp/201310/delicate-mother-daughter-s
ubjects-dont-talk-write>
* Words of Wisdom Wednesday: A Few Words On The Mother-Daughter Bond
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/disabled-and-thriving/200911/words-wis
dom-wednesday-few-words-the-mother-daughter-bond>
Facebook <https://www.facebook.com/psychologytoday>
Twitter <https://twitter.com/psychtoday>
Google Plus <https://plus.google.com/+psychologytoday/posts>
Psychology Today <https://www.psychologytoday.com/>
HealthProfs.com <http://healthprofs.com/cam/>
Psychology Today 1991-2016 Sussex Publishers, LLC | HealthProfs.com
2002-2016 Sussex Directories, Inc.
* About <https://www.psychologytoday.com/about-psychology-today>
* Privacy Policy <https://www.psychologytoday.com/privacy-policy>
* Terms <https://www.psychologytoday.com/terms-use>
null
Psychology Today <https://www.psychologytoday.com/>
* Home
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/>
* Find a Therapist
Find
o Find a Therapist
<https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/?utm_source=PT_Psych_Today&u
tm_medium=House_Link&utm_campaign=PT_TopNavF_Therapist>
o Find a Psychiatrist
<https://psychiatrists.psychologytoday.com/rms/?utm_source=PT_Psych_Toda
y&utm_medium=House_Link&utm_campaign=PT_TopNavF_Psychiatrist>
o Find a Therapy Group
<https://groups.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_search.php?utm_source=PT_Ps
ych_Today&utm_medium=House_Link&utm_campaign=PT_TopNavF_Therapygroup>
o Find a Treatment Facility
<https://treatment.psychologytoday.com/rms/?utm_source=PT_Psych_Today&ut
m_medium=House_Link&utm_campaign=PT_TopNavF_Treatment>
Professionals
o Therapist Login
<https://member.psychologytoday.com/rms-sec/?utm_source=PT_Psych_Today&u
tm_medium=House_Link&utm_campaign=PT_TopNavBar_TherapistLogInN>
o Therapist Signup
<https://member.psychologytoday.com/therapist/?src=WWWTOP&utm_source=PT_
Psych_Today&utm_medium=House_Link&utm_campaign=PT_TopNav_SignupN>
Stay
* Topics
o
Addiction
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/addiction>
o
Aging
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/aging>
o
Animal Behavior
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/animal-behavior>
o
Anxiety
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/anxiety>
o
Autism
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/autism>
o
Behavioral Economics
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/behavioral-economics>
o
Child Development
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/child-development>
o
Cognition
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/cognition>
o
Creativity
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/creativity>
o
Depression
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/depression>
o
Diet
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/diet>
o
Eating Disorders
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/eating-disorders>
o
Education
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/education>
o
Environment
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/environment>
o
Ethics and Morality
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/ethics-and-morality>
o
Evolutionary Psychology
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/evolutionary-psychology>
o
Gender
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/gender>
o
Happiness
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/happiness>
o
Health
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/health>
o
Integrative Medicine
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/integrative-medicine>
o
Intelligence
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/intelligence>
o
Law and Crime
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/law-and-crime>
o
Media
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/media>
o
Memory
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/memory>
o
Neuroscience
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/neuroscience>
o
Parenting
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/parenting>
o
Personal Perspectives
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/personal-perspectives>
o
Personality
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/personality>
o
Philosophy
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/philosophy>
o
Politics
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/politics>
o
Procrastination
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/procrastination>
o
Psych Careers
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/psych-careers>
o
Psychiatry
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/psychiatry>
o
Race and Ethnicity
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/race-and-ethnicity>
o
Relationships
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/relationships>
o
Resilience
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/resilience>
o
Self-Help
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/self-help>
o
Sex
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/sex>
o
Sleep
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/sleep>
o
Social Life
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/social-life>
o
Spirituality
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/spirituality>
o
Sport and Competition
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/sport-and-competition>
o
Stress
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/stress>
o
Therapy
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/therapy>
o
Work
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/work>
o *See All*
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics>
Stay
* Get Help
o Mental Health
o Addiction
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/addiction>
o ADHD
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/adhd>
o Anxiety
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/anxiety>
o Asperger s
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/aspergers-syndrome>
o Autism
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/autism>
o Bipolar Disorder
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/bipolar-disorder>
o Chronic Pain
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/chronic-pain>
o Depression
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/depression>
o Eating Disorders
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/eating-disorders>
o Insomnia
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/insomnia>
o OCD
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/ocd>
o Schizophrenia
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/schizophrenia>
o Personality
o Passive Aggression
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/passive-aggression>
o Personality
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/personality>
o Shyness
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/shyness>
o Personal Growth
o Goal Setting
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/motivation>
o Happiness
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/happiness>
o Positive Psychology
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/positive-psychology>
o Stopping Smoking
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/smoking>
o Relationships
o Low Sexual Desire
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/low-sexual-desire>
o Relationships
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/relationships>
o Sex
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/sex>
o Emotion Management
o Anger
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/anger>
o Procrastination
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/procrastination>
o Stress
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/stress>
o Family Life
o Adolescence
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/adolescence>
o Child Development
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/child-development>
o Elder Care
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/caregiving>
o Parenting
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/parenting>
o Recently Diagnosed?
o Diagnosis Dictionary
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions>
o Talk To Someone
o Find A Therapist
<https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/?utm_source=PT_Psych_Today&u
tm_medium=House_Link&utm_campaign=PT_TopNav_GHelp>
Stay
* Magazine
March 2016
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/magazine/archive/2016/03>
It s Not All About You!
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/magazine/archive/2016/03>
The experience of awe may be the balm that can counteract our
narcissistic age.
o Subscribe
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/subscriptions/us?tr=TopNavSub>
o Issue Archive
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/magazine/archive>
o Customer Service
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/subscriptions/account?tr=TopNavAcct>
o Renew
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/subscriptions/account?tr=TopNavRenew>
o Give a Gift
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/subscriptions/us-gift?tr=TopNavGift>
Stay
* Tests
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/tests>
* Experts
o Recent Contributors
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/experts/recent>
o Experts by Topic
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/experts/topics>
o Public Speakers
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/experts/speakers>
o Media Interviews
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/experts/media>
o All
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/experts/all>
o Index of Blogs
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/index>
Stay
*
Search form
Search
Stay
#
Back
Find a Therapist
Find
* Find a Therapist
<https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/?utm_source=PT_Psych_Today&utm_m
edium=House_Link&utm_campaign=PT_TopNavF_Therapist>
* Find a Psychiatrist
<https://psychiatrists.psychologytoday.com/rms/?utm_source=PT_Psych_Today&ut
m_medium=House_Link&utm_campaign=PT_TopNavF_Psychiatrist>
* Find a Therapy Group
<https://groups.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_search.php?utm_source=PT_Psych_
Today&utm_medium=House_Link&utm_campaign=PT_TopNavF_Therapygroup>
* Find a Treatment Facility
<https://treatment.psychologytoday.com/rms/?utm_source=PT_Psych_Today&utm_me
dium=House_Link&utm_campaign=PT_TopNavF_Treatment>
Professionals
* Therapist Login
<https://member.psychologytoday.com/rms-sec/?utm_source=PT_Psych_Today&utm_m
edium=House_Link&utm_campaign=PT_TopNavBar_TherapistLogInN>
* Therapist Signup
<https://member.psychologytoday.com/therapist/?src=WWWTOP&utm_source=PT_Psyc
h_Today&utm_medium=House_Link&utm_campaign=PT_TopNav_SignupN>
Stay
#
Back
Topics
*
Addiction
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/addiction>
*
Aging
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/aging>
*
Animal Behavior
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/animal-behavior>
*
Anxiety
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/anxiety>
*
Autism
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/autism>
*
Behavioral Economics
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/behavioral-economics>
*
Child Development
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/child-development>
*
Cognition
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/cognition>
*
Creativity
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/creativity>
*
Depression
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/depression>
*
Diet
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/diet>
*
Eating Disorders
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/eating-disorders>
*
Education
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/education>
*
Environment
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/environment>
*
Ethics and Morality
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/ethics-and-morality>
*
Evolutionary Psychology
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/evolutionary-psychology>
*
Gender
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/gender>
*
Happiness
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/happiness>
*
Health
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/health>
*
Integrative Medicine
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/integrative-medicine>
*
Intelligence
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/intelligence>
*
Law and Crime
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/law-and-crime>
*
Media
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/media>
*
Memory
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/memory>
*
Neuroscience
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/neuroscience>
*
Parenting
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/parenting>
*
Personal Perspectives
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/personal-perspectives>
*
Personality
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/personality>
*
Philosophy
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/philosophy>
*
Politics
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/politics>
*
Procrastination
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/procrastination>
*
Psych Careers
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/psych-careers>
*
Psychiatry
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/psychiatry>
*
Race and Ethnicity
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/race-and-ethnicity>
*
Relationships
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/relationships>
*
Resilience
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/resilience>
*
Self-Help
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/self-help>
*
Sex
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/sex>
*
Sleep
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/sleep>
*
Social Life
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/social-life>
*
Spirituality
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/spirituality>
*
Sport and Competition
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/sport-and-competition>
*
Stress
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/stress>
*
Therapy
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/therapy>
*
Work
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics/work>
* *See All*
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/topics>
Stay
#
Back
Get Help
* Mental Health
* Addiction
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/addiction>
* ADHD
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/adhd>
* Anxiety
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/anxiety>
* Asperger s
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/aspergers-syndrome>
* Autism
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/autism>
* Bipolar Disorder
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/bipolar-disorder>
* Chronic Pain
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/chronic-pain>
* Depression
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/depression>
* Eating Disorders
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/eating-disorders>
* Insomnia
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/insomnia>
* OCD
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/ocd>
* Schizophrenia
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/schizophrenia>
* Personality
* Passive Aggression
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/passive-aggression>
* Personality
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/personality>
* Shyness
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/shyness>
* Personal Growth
* Goal Setting
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/motivation>
* Happiness
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/happiness>
* Positive Psychology
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/positive-psychology>
* Stopping Smoking
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/smoking>
* Relationships
* Low Sexual Desire
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/low-sexual-desire>
* Relationships
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/relationships>
* Sex
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/sex>
* Emotion Management
* Anger
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/anger>
* Procrastination
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/procrastination>
* Stress
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/stress>
* Family Life
* Adolescence
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/adolescence>
* Child Development
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/child-development>
* Elder Care
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/caregiving>
* Parenting
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/parenting>
* Recently Diagnosed?
* Diagnosis Dictionary
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions>
* Talk To Someone
* Find A Therapist
<https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/?utm_source=PT_Psych_Today&utm_m
edium=House_Link&utm_campaign=PT_TopNav_GHelp>
Stay
#
Back
Magazine
March 2016
<https://www.psychologytoday.com/magazine/archive/2016/03>