A secretary was leaving the office one Friday evening when she encountered Mr.

Jones,
the Human Resources manager, standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in
his hand.
"Listen," said Mr. Jones, "this is important, and my secretary has already left. Can you
make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the secreatry. She turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed
the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said Mr. Jones as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just
need one copy."

A man was given the job of painting the white lines down the middle of a highway. On
his first day he painted six miles; the next day three miles; the following day less than a
mile. When the foreman asked the man why he kept painting less each day, he replied "I
just can't do any better. Each day I keep getting farther away from the paint can."

Two employees for the gas company were at a house call. The younger man said to the
older one, "Geez, you're old!"
"Yeah, that may be so, but I can still outrun you," replied the older employee.
"How about a foot race to see if your'e right," said the younger employee.
With that they start running at full speed around that block. The older man kept up with
the younger man around the first corner, the second corner, the third corner. As they come
up on the last corner, the younger man sees an eldery woman running as fast as her legs
could carry her. Puzzled by this, they both stop ask her why she was running behind
them. The old woman caught her breath and said, "Well, you were at my home checking
my gas meter, and when I saw you running away, I figured I'd better run too!"

A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has
more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my
congregation."
The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when
you gave a sermon?"
The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."
The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed
awake, but they usually prayed!"

A man is hired by the circus to perform a necessary but rather unpleasant task. He is
asked to walk behind the elephants in the center ring, shoveling aside their droppings as
they walk about. After a rather difficult evening at work, he goes to the circus cafeteria,
sits with other workers, and begins complaining about his work.
"It's just terrible work, walking behind those huge beasts and first dodging, then
shoveling aside the dung they produce. My arms are tired, my shoes and pants are a mess,
and I'll have to shower before I return home, because of the stink."
His friends at work agree: "Why don't you just quit this miserable job and find something
more rewarding to do. You have to have some skills and talents that you can put to use
somewhere else."
He looks at them, stunned: "You know, you're probably right, but I just can't give up the
glamour of show business!"

A movie producer is lying by the pool at the Beverly Hilton. His partner arrives in a great
state of excitement. "How'd the meeting go?" asks the first guy.
"It went great," says his buddy. "Tarentino will write and direct for six million, Mel
Gibson will star for eight, and we can bring in the whole picture for under fifty million."
"Fabulous," says the guy by the pool.
"There's just one catch," his partner warns.
"What's the catch?"
"We have to put up ten thousand in cash".

Stammerer: "I hea..hea... heard tha...that you can hel...hel...help me".

Speech therapist: "Yes, sure. Ease yourself in the chair, look straight in my eyes, and
count slowly till ten".
Stammerer: "O...one, t...two, th...th...three, ..... eight, nine, ten. It's wonderful, I don't
stammer anymore!"
Speech therapist: "My fee is 300 dollar."
Stammerer: "H...h...how mu...mu...much?!"

Abraham wanted a new suit, so he bought a nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a
tailor. The first tailor he visited looked at the cloth and measured Abraham, then told him
the cloth was not enough to make a suit.
Abraham was unhappy with this opinion and sought another tailor. This tailor measured
Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and said, "There is enough cloth to
make a pair of trousers, a coat and a vest, please come back in a week to take your suit."
After a week Abraham came to take his new suit, and saw the tailor's son wearing
trousers made of the same cloth. Perplexed, he asked, "Just how could you make a full
suit for me and trousers for your son, when the other tailor could not make a suit only?"
"It's very simple," replied the tailor, "The other tailor has two sons."

Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the
signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realised
that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"
Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy, "and I'd use the manual lever over
there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Andy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that case," persevered Andy, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public
emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalised?"
"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket
containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious naturalhistory museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of
heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later, the amazed
curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of
death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more
interested he is in her.
Agatha Christie

Those three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.
The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run,
I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".
The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his
gun and be there before the bullet".
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know
nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home
by 3:45"!!

A graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

A graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
A graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
A graduate with a Law degree asks, "Who gave it a permission to work?"
A graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Would you like fries with that?"

Psychology is actually biology.

Biology is actually chemistry.
Chemistry is actually physics.
And physics is actually math.

Where to Publish Your Paper

If you understand it and can prove it, then send it to a journal of mathematics.
If you understand it, but can't prove it, then send it to a physics journal.
If you can't understand it, but can prove it, then send it to an economics journal.
If you can neither understand it nor prove it, then send it to a psychology journal.

A Marketing Manager got married to a woman who had previously been married eight
times. On his wedding night, his wife informed him that she was still a virgin. This was
her explanation:

My first husband was a sales representative who spent our entire marriage telling
me, in grandiose terms, "It's gonna be great"!
My second husband was from software services; he was never quite sure how it
was supposed to function, but he said he would send me the documentation.
My third husband was an accountant. His comments were that he knew how, but
he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job.
My fourth husband was a teacher, and he simply said, "Those who can...do; those
who can't...teach".
My fifth husband was an engineer. He told me that he understood the basic
process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-ofthe-art method.
My sixth husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about
it.
My seventh husband was a help-desk coordinator and he kept teaching me how to
do it myself.
My eighth husband was in technical support, and he kept saying, "Don't worry,
it'll be up any minute now."

The wife said sweetly to her new husband, "Now I am married to you, a man of
marketing". The husband looked at his wife and simply said, "I know I have the product,
I'm just not sure how to position it".
A CEO has his business going well, but he's a bit worried. He decides to check the
competence of his employees.
The first person he meets is his assistant:
- Oh Miss, I'd like to ask you just a quuestion. How much make 2+2 ?
- Yes Sir. Do you want a detailed memo oon that?
- No, just answer the question.
- Well, I think it's 4.

Then he goes to the computer tech:

- Hi John! Just a question. Can you telll me how much make 2+2 ?
John runs Excel, and after five minutes answers:
- It is 4.00 E+0, but I'm not sure, the support staff should come tomorrow. Will I ask them
to check it?
Then he goes to the accountant:
- Hello mister, can you tell me how muchh make 2+2 ?
- Well, well, I know I'm late. I'm sorryy. I didn't already collect all the data, neither check
all the accounts. But I can estimate it now between 3.196... and... let's say... 5.659. But I'll
be able to make a much more accurate estimate within two weeks!
A bit disappointed, he goes to the sales manager:
- Hello Bob, could you tell me how much make 2+2 ?
- So... How much do you think it makes?<
- I ask you to answer.
- Mmh... you don't want to tell me your price. You want me to make an offer. - Indeed.
- So, let's say 6! No, excuse me, you'ree not that kind of man, you know the market. I sell
it to you for 5.25, and that's the price I' make for my best friend!
Then he goes to his lawyer:
- Good Morning Mister. Can you tell me hhow much make 2+2 ?
- Right now?
- Yes!
- So, at first I would say 2, but I'm coonvinced that with a good preparation, we can get 3!
And, finally, he goes to the actuary:
- Hello Sir, can you tell me how much maake 2+2 ?
- Of course. It is... It is... Mmmmh, weell, how much would you like it to make?

Heaven and Hell

In Heaven:
The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.
In Hell:
The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,

The lovers are Swiss,

The bankers are Italian.

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

Old actuaries never die, they just get broken down by age and sex.
Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
Old chemists never die, they just reach equilibrium.
Old cosmologists never die, they just go to another world.
Old doctors never die, they just loose their patience.
Old dynamicists never die, they just lose their attraction.
Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
Old geologists never die, they just recrystalize.
Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
Old lawyers never die, they just threaten their doctor with malpractice.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old mathematicians never die, they tend to zero.
Old mathematicians never die, they just lose some of their functions.
Old professors never die, they just lose their faculties.
Old programmers never die, they just gosub without return.
Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
Old publishers never die, they just go out of print.
Old statisticians never die, they just become nonsignificant.
Old thermodynamicists never die, they just achieve their state of maximum entropy.
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.

You are one of three people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How
would you react?
Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.
Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this
before.
Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multiengine aircraft under code red conditions.
Computer Scientist: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a
human being could.
Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all
cases.
Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.
Psychoanalyst: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.
Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make
your next appointment.

Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
Judge: after reminding them of their constitutional right to have a parachute, you take it
and jump out.
Economist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute, as the free
market will take care of the other person.
Statistician: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they
would pay for a parachute.
IRS auditor: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold
fillings.
Manager: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard and not expect
handouts.
Consultant: you tell them not to worry, since it won't take you long to learn how to fix a
plane.
Salesperson: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their
friends and relatives who might like one too.
Advertiser: you strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon parachute with
computer altimeter for only $39.99.
Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.
Teacher: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it
worked.
English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.
Comparative Literature major: you read the parachute instructions in all four languages.
Dramatist: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person
stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.
Modern Painter: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the
chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
An archaeologist is a person who's career lies in ruins.
An architect is someone who makes beautiful models, but unaffordable realities.
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it
back the minute it begins to rain.
Mark Twain

A chemical engineer is a man who is doing for a profit what an organic chemist only does
for fun.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look
forward to the trip.
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted
yesterday didn't happen today.
Laurence J. Peter
An editor is a person employed on a newspaper whose business it is to separate the wheat
from the chaff, and to see that the chaff is printed.
Elbert Hubbard
A journalist is someone who spend 50% of its time not saying what he knows and 50% of
its time talking about things he doesn't know.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief".
Franz Kafka
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.
Charles R. Darwin
A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the
cloth.
A philosopher is a person who doesn't have a job but at least understands why.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you
don't understand.
A psychologist is a man whom you pay a lot of money to ask you questions that your
wife asks free of charge.
A schoolteacher a is disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
A sociologist is someone who, when a beautiful women enters the room and everybody
look at her, looks at everybody.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an
accountant.
A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a
doughnut.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Pierre de Fermat: I just don't have room here to give the full explanation.
Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the
chicken depends on your frame of reference.
Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals
your underlying sexual insecurity.
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross
roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way
that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Social Worker: It crossed the road to be able to understand both sides.
An actuary: It looked in the file and that's what it did last year.
A consultant: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant
market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop
the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Our consulting firm, in a
partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical
distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model
(PIM), we helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and
experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its
overall strategy within a Program Management framework. This was conducive towards
the creation of a total business integration solution.
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.

Moses: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou
shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens
have to cross the road before you believe it?
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of
crossing the road justifies whatever motive here was.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to change it while the other two argue about how old the old one is.
How many architects does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he has to coordinate ten other professionals who are doing this quiet
complicated task.
How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
Third as many as for a regular bulb.
How many carpenters does it take to change a light bulb?
"Sod you! That's the electrician's job."
How many cashiers does it take to change a light bulb?
"Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill."
How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?
Twelve. One to change the bulb, and eleven to do the paperwork.
How many film directors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done, everyone says that
his last light bulb was much better.
How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but you should have seen the bulb, it must have been THIS big.
How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
"I don't know, but I can look it up for you."
How many social scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Social scientists do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to

why the last one went out.