Narcissists, No Contact and The Spaghetti Technique

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Narcissists, No Contact and the Spaghetti Technique

2015 - Aug
Posted by Savannah Grey
67 comments
Youve done all the right things. Youve broken up with your Narcissist,
youve gone no contact and youve done your very best to put your focus
back on you. But much to your chagrin, your Narcissist is pulling out all the
stops, throwing everything at you to try and illicit some type of response.
Unwittingly, throughout your relationship, either through sharing, or
information gathering, you have given your narcissist all kinds of clues
about your emotional triggers, what your greatest fears are and your most
painful hurts.
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Name:
Your Narcissist knows you. Theyve been doing reconnaissance since the
day you met. You may have thought you were getting to know each other
through the exchange of information, but really what was going on was that
your narcissist was engaging in something much more sinister. They were
looking for a way in and the best way to control you. Whether this is
conscious behavior or unconscious behavior, a narcissist knows just what
information is important enough to be remembered and stored for future
use.
So when youve finally had enough of their abuse and you tell them to buzz
off, dont be surprised at the extent to which, a narcissist will attempt to hold
on.
The Spaghetti Test
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When a Narcissist is bent on getting you back they will throw everything at
you to see what sticks, much like a chef will throw pasta against the wall to
see what hangs on and what bounces off. They will pull no punches and
you will see everything youve ever said thrown back at you in an attempt to
weaken your defenses.
Many of us go into no contact feeling strong and determined to be done with
all the madness and then out of nowhere a text message comes in. Youre
determined not to open it, but you see its a picture. You cave and open it
up. Its a picture of the restaurant you went to on your first date. You roll
your eyes and think, pa-leeeeeease, but somewhere, very deep inside, you
feel one tiny heart string being pulled. You dont respond, but your mind
starts to travel in that direction. Your phone buzzes again, its another text:
Do you remember our first date? It was here. I miss you. We need to
talk !
http://esteemology.com/narcissists-no-contact-and-the-spaghetti-technique/
Page 1 of 25
4/26/16, 5:17 PM
You are determined not to respond, because this isnt the first time youve
been here and you know how hard it is to get yourself back to this place,
where youre fed up enough to actually take action to end it, but you feel it,
there it is, another heart string pulled.
Your Narcissist has determined that this was a failed attempt, since you
didnt respond, so they decide they have to up their game. They dont want
to seem too eager, because that would reek of desperation, so they wait a
day, maybe two, hoping that the seeds theyve just planted might take root.
Theyve tried sentimentality that didnt work, so now theyll try the
connection tactic and your phone goes off again.
Ive never felt like this before. I cant breathe without you. Ive never
felt this kind of connection with anyone. What we have is special and I
dont understand how you can walk away from us.
At this point youre upset that they are making you feel things and that they
just wont go away. A part of you is a little happy that they arent giving up
without a fight and that the shoe is on the other foot for a change, but youve
made up your mind, youre done and you want these messages to stop, so
you tell yourself its ok to reply. You justify breaking no contact because you
arent giving in, youre telling him to stop.
Alex we are over. Please stop contacting me. We both need to move
on.
palmbeachgroup.com
At this point your Narcissist has gotten what they wanted contact. It
doesnt matter that the contact was negative they got you to respond,
which was their goal. So they make a mental note that feeding you a dose
of guilt got the job done, so they throw in some more.
Angela were not done. You said youd always be there for me. Was
that a lie? You said that youd always love me were you lying then
too? I need you and Im not giving up on us.
Youve wanted to hear and feel that this man really loves you throughout
your entire relationship and here it is. Youre thrilled that he wants you back
and the fact that hes not giving up must really mean he loves you right?
Wrong. The problem now is youre starting to soften a bit and you justify
responding again because you need to respond to these allegations. The
nerve of him, after everything hes done.
No I wasnt lying, but how much do you expect me to put up with?
Youre flirting with other women, you ignore me and treat me like shit.
Youre never there for me when I need you and I always feel like Im
being used.
This is better than he had hoped, now hes got you engaging in a fullfledged conversation. Albeit its via text message, but youre still engaging
with him. Now its just a matter of planting enough doubt and confusion into
your mind about his behavior and then twisting it to somehow make it all
your fault, so that you start to doubt your decision and what actually
happened.
I wasnt flirting with other women. That was Crystal. Ive known her
since I was 8, shes like a sister to me and she was having trouble with
her husband. Do you expect me to turn my back on a friend when they
need my help? Ive been really busy lately and going through some
stuff. Im sorry I havent been there for you, but my issue is almost
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Page 2 of 25
over and then we can spend all the time together you want. We can go
on a trip, anywhere youd like. Lets go out to dinner and talk about it.
If nostalgia doesnt work, theyll try guilt, if guilt doesnt work theyll try pity,
if pity doesnt work theyll try jealousyand on and on it goes until they find
some hook that gets your attention.
The thing to remember is that when we go no contact its for a very good
reason. Its because we realize that we are being abused and
manipulated and we need to extricate ourselves from the insanity.
One always has to keep in mind that when a narcissist promises change,
they will change, for a while, just long enough until theyve determined
theyve sucked you back in. Then its back to the same ole, same ole. They
arent interested in your feelings. Theyre only interested in what theyre
feeling. Everything that is being said to you while youre attempting no
contact is smoke and mirrors. None of it is sincere. This is a game and your
Narcissist is only interested in winning. So dont fall for it.
Their ability to feel empathy is impaired, they cant fully comprehend how
their behavior has made you feel. When there is no comprehension of
cause and effect, there is no motive for real change. To them your no
contact is just a hoop they have to temporarily jump through, just long
enough for them to get you under control again. Dont make the mistake of
thinking that now things will be on your terms, because any change in their
behavior would be short lived.
When a Narcissist is pursuing you like this, do not misinterpret this as
flattery, or an indication of the depth of their emotions for you. What it really
is, is an attempt to control you and a complete disregard for your wishes
and your boundaries. If you tell someone no and they continue, thats
incredibly disrespectful and fully indicative of someone whose only interest
is in their own needs not yours.
4/26/16, 5:17 PM
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Someone in the Act,
Permission, Indisputable
Proof, or a Private
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With Someone
Ive discussed in previous blogs about intermittent rewards and how our
motivation can be likened to a slot machine. If a Narcissist pulls the lever
and gets what he wants all the time, hell pull it whenever he has a desire to.
If he pulls it and only gets rewarded some of the time, hes going to keep
pulling a lot longer, because he knows it pays off sometimes, so he tells
himself hes just got to be persistent. When he pulls the lever and never
gets rewarded, he will learn quickly that pulling the lever gets him nowhere,
so hell just stop.
Spotting Codependency at
Work in Our Lives
That is the place where you want to get your Narcissist after going no
contact. Thats why even occasionally replying makes them persist. Youre
teaching them that no doesnt mean no, it means try harder. Give them
nothing every time, then and only then, will they stop and go away for good.
Do You Need to Talk? Skype

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Page 3 of 25
4/26/16, 5:17 PM
Important Relationship of All
About the author
Making Molehills Out of

Mountains: Minimizing Bad
Behavior
Savannah Grey
Savannah Grey is a writer, a certified hypnotist and has
degrees in both Journalism and Psychology. Please note
that all material on this site is protected under copy right
and cannot be reproduced, in its entirety, without the
author's permission. You may quote an article, but in so
doing, you must provide a link back to the website and
provide the name of the author.
View all posts...
13.04.2016 @ 1:01 am
one of these situations. I have gone no contact but am being

tempted to start the cycle again. Your right it is so very hard to
give up this cycle. Please pray for me and I am praying for
you. Love yourself and pray very hard.
30.03.2016 @ 5:50 am
My N I finally stopped talking last year. She called herself my

friend for five years and I dumped her cold turkey but we work
at the same place and I could feel her staring planning her
revenge. When she started to enact her plan, it went horribly
awry and back fired in her face and of course she blamed me.
My N confronted me and it ended in a physical confrontation
which I came out the victor. My guilt till this day is I called out
all her little secrets that contradicted /broke the image she had
she been perpetrating for years. I was ruthless, nasty and just
a plain disgusting something even more menacing and vomitlike than a N. I knew I broke that person that day and I feel
bad about it but I will never apologize or give them satisfaction
of confirming their delusions and lies.
Reply
21.03.2016 @ 8:42 pm
Its been a year and a half since absolute No Contact, no

reaction, no word from my side. The best way to see a
narcissists true face is to reach the point in which you realize
that he is able to completely and mercilessly destroy you. Hes
been carefully planning that, in case you decide to leave. Be
very well aware of what you say and share with such a
psychopath, because, at some point he will wish to use it
against you, even if it is going to kill you. Expect the worst
blackmailing and intimidation. However bad it looks, it is
actually good. Because, thats when you truly realize what a
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Millie
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Janethello
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the Spaghetti Technique
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Motivation
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Please
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Page 4 of 25
4/26/16, 5:17 PM
Satan he is. Dont be scared! Show that you are not afraid and
that you dont care for whatever hes going to do. Go to a
shelter for abused if you need. But STOP any contact!!! Any
reaction! Act as if you are dead. It is going to be extremely
hard in the begging, they are like a plague, they posses your
mind. Your poor brain was trained not to think about anything
else, but him. It is important that you cut off with peeking into
his FB or any other social profiles. Dont do it to yourself. Time
will heal, believe me. I was a complete mess, I was destroyed
mentally, emotionally and even physically I felt extremely
exhausted. So far, I have blocked tens of fake FB profiles, that
I new it was him, because, each time the bastard would give
me a clue, at some point. At some point I stopped blocking
because, eventually, I dont F***ING care. If he has an urge to
monitor my FB activities, let it be. I dont really care anymore.
And thats the best!
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Reply
09.12.2015 @ 10:42 pm
LK
Tools of the Trade: A

Narcissists Guide to Crazy
Making
Reading those Spaghetti Test excerpts sounded EXACTLY

like the narc when I went no contact almost 2 years ago. He
tried everything under the sun, but thankfully I was finally at
the point where I could understand what he was doing and
observe. It was amazing to see the tactic switches
happening exactly as you described above. Great post!
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09.11.2015 @ 5:44 pm
Narcissists and the Amazing

Holiday Houdini Act
This is some really great info and some awesome methods for
Dealing with Your Narcissist

and Other Toxic People over
the Holidays
JP
dealing with the issue. I guess I am kinda curious as to how to

deal with someone who is assuming your a narcissist because
they fail to see what their partner does in the relationship to try
and be proactive and engaged. Also, what about factors like
ADD/ADHD or things like TBI or PTSD? How do you
differentiate?
07.11.2015 @ 7:15 am
So glad I found this siteIm drinking up every word and am

feeling validated.I pretty much have been handling things
pretty well on my own with my exI was able to maintain no
contact for two months until he found me grocery
shopping.he sobbed, apologized etcI got into the same
old, same old with more intensity for about two more months
Im back to no contactvery difficult when he finds ways of
getting a message to me usually regarding him having to go to
the emergency room or doctor for stage 3 cancer ( lies of
course) I guess I just need to vent to an audience who has
no emotional investment in me but also need advise
because Im not responding to his messages (pathetic and
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Reply
Anniefiggy
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Page 5 of 25
4/26/16, 5:17 PM
nasty) he has now decided to post pictures of me and my
Strategy
mother on his face book pageinnocent enough but its
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getting under my skinmost would advise me to block

him,however, I feel the need to know where his head is at so
that I can avoid certain situationsfeeling a little weak right
now
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28.11.2015 @ 1:18 pm
@ Anniefiggy
I had taken back my N EIGHT times. Been there done
that in every imaginable way. Ive been told everything
under the sun by my ex N. I know its hard. You are
NOT going no contact when you stalk his FB page to
see where his head is at. Youre kidding yourself if you
believe that. You are keeping yourself tied to him I can
state that because Ive done the same. Please stop
that! Its no good for you. Please understand that no
matter what hes doing or what he says or spews out,
he will never treat you any differently. And, usually the
treatment of you gets worse each time you let him back
in. I even KNOw that my N is a diagnosed NPD and I
still took him back.
Pixie
04.11.2015 @ 9:56 pm
Great website, thank you. I went no contact 10 months ago

and I still find it hard, I have tried everything but he still
dominates my thoughts, but it is getting easier. Reading this is
like listening to my ex, he would do exactly these things with
the photos and the drawing me into a conversation then lets
go away and talk about it. Of course we would never talked
about it away as I was then spoiling the lovely treat that he
had planned. I was with him for nearly two years. We spend
four months apart in the second year, and he used to make
me feel responsible for the time apart. I would fret terrible as it
was such a wonderful relationship and we would part over
silly misunderstandings. He would want to spend all his time
with me and this lead to me giving up some of my work
creating financial difficulties for me and isolating me. The
possessiveness because he loved me so much and the
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and Serendipity
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Yourself
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Tabs on Your Ex
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is the Only Way
run me down, shouted at me or swore at me but it was abuse
Getting Rid of Limiting

Beliefs: The Lefkoe Method
because he tried to isolate me and make me doubt my own
Giving In the Name of Love
mind while playing Mr Perfect and showering me with
Narcissism and Religion: A

Perfect Match
isolation were simply too much. He would say that he never
expensive gifts, weekends and holidays as well as making my

life easier by me not having to work so much. One day I just
though, Is this what I think of myself, that I can let someone
do this to me? And I decided to change I realised that my
husband was probably a narcissist too and I just spend most
of the marriage making excuses and after the break up trying
to get along with him despite verbal and emotional abuse. The
Falling in Love with Life:

Being Present and Living in
the Now
What Your Behavior Post
Break-Up Really Means
last relationship was so bad I had to look at myself and re-
Page 6 of 25
4/26/16, 5:17 PM
evaluate all my previous relationships including the ones I had

with my parents as a child. Wow, its good to get that off my
chest, phew! "
Reply
Girltryingtogrin
25.10.2015 @ 5:25 am
Thank you for telling the truth so that one more person sees
they arent crazy and moves out of the dark and into a better
life.
Reply
10.10.2015 @ 7:25 pm
K
@ Dopey
Your absolutely right! They dont get it and always seem to

pop up when you least expect it..
No matter how many times you tell them to leave you alone
they still dont get it.
I told my ex narc to not contact me so many times but he still
did.. I think its got challenge written all over it plus they hate
loosing control.
Im proud to say Ive been 10 weeks No Contact and it feels
great.
Ive blocked him on Watts App but cant block on normal
messaging so I still wonder is this it? Has he gone for good?
Fingers crossed he has..
Once they have new supply they do leave us alone but only
for a short time as once the novelty had worn off they will be
knocking on our door
Reply
Dopey
09.10.2015 @ 1:57 am
Told the N not to contact me for any reasons at all & after 4
months he still has the cheek to email me & asked if he calls
me, will I talk to him? What a joke!! They really dont seems to
get it do they?!? Lol
Reply
Lola
08.10.2015 @ 6:09 pm
For the somatic, I think the typical monogamous relationship

seems to last about 6 months (with the only possibility being
longer is if he has something on the side). Really, even that is
pushing it.
Found out the somatic I mentioned in my earlier post, who
after discarding my friend for another girl with 2 kids and
loveboming the crap outta her on FB have broken up after
only 6 months and hes already onto his new supply. He
wooed my friend for the same length of time and only tailors
Page 7 of 25
4/26/16, 5:17 PM
his compliments for whom he is trying to target. It is just so

textbook. So much for his now ex whom he claimed was the
love of his life.
We sort of sat on the sidelines, wondering when the
trainwreck was gonna happen b/c this girl left her marriage for
him. Not good.
The thing too, is that FB is so juvenile when it comes to
advertising your relationships. People get to see when you
broke up, and its advertised all over. Its just so middle school.
This somatic is doomed to a life of repetition. He will be 50
and still working low end jobs, on the prowl, hitting the gym,
idealizing and discarding, never changing. It has to be such a
lonely feeling. But then again, he doesnt seem to feel
anything.
Reply
27.09.2015 @ 3:51 pm
DDG
Savannah, this post is great. I am divorcing my N after 18

years, we have 2 kids. How can I maintain no contact and coparent? I have put boundaries in place like crazy, but
inevitably we overlap at kids games or when we must parent
together. The last time this happened, my N crossed my
emotional, sexual and intellectual boundaries within 2 min,
giving me the teary, lovely dovey N Stare that says I love you,
love us together, I appreciate you which is how my N has
manipulated me for 24 years. The kids were there for this, and
when he reached out to touch me I was stuck because he set
me up to be the bad guy in front of our kids. He is playing
victim to my request for no contact, He wants everyone to see
he is a living caring man, he is even campaigning with our
friends. help!
Reply
Savannah Grey
27.09.2015 @ 4:04 pm
DDG Youve got to change your mindset to where it

doesnt matter what he says or does to you or anyone
else. He cant upset you without your permission
right? If you dont care nothing he says will have any
effect on you. Tomorrows blog will help with what
youre dealing with.
wannabfree
22.09.2015 @ 7:06 am
Just breaking away from my superior King N. I am so

thankful to you Savanah.pure luck brought me to your website
lol. I finally understand his need to keep me insane, and Im so
done with his bs!! One day at a time I guess. Looking forward
to starting MY life againthanks so much!
Page 8 of 25
4/26/16, 5:17 PM
Reply
14.09.2015 @ 5:37 pm
JJ
I too am in a relationship with a narcissist. I actually married

this man 2yrs ago next month. I recently found out he has
the cluster b type personality & a whole lot more issues.
Problem is, I love him by but I dont like him. I know I have to
leave because this relationship is by far the worst one I have
ever been in my entire life; it is extremely unhealthy, he is
incapable of change, & therefore the relationship has no
future. Thank God there are no kids together here. I was the
only one trying to make life better for us but in speaking to him
there is nothing I can do to pleaae him or make him happy, so
Im out. My advice to other women is if he is not willing to go to
counseling early in the relationship, does not admit to being
wrong for anything, you are always being accused of
something (usually made up), then you dont have a helathy
relationship & he may be a narcissistic, self-contained, antisocial, egotistical bastard!
Reply
Kim
10.09.2015 @ 1:51 am
Thank you for the article. I have been in a narasistic

relationship for 2 years. It has been a long, hard 2 years with
so many terrible stories of disrespect, severe emotional abuse
and unhappiness.
I believe I am half way through stage 3.
I am planning for the day I tell him to leave our home and that
I want a divorce. This relationship has to end. Im am falling
deeper and deeper into depression. I need to do this for my
sake and for the sake of my daughter!
Reply
Andrea
01.09.2015 @ 7:47 am
Thank you for this article. After 8 years with my narcissist, I

left. About a year and a half went past and I had forgotten
about all the bad stuff, so after all that no contact etc, I text
him! (I wasnt aware at the time of narcissists, I hadnt yet read
up). Oh it was all lovely at first, really what I was looking for in
a relationship and I was so happy that after a year and half of
being without me hed appreciated what he was missing. Well,
that lasted 2 months. As soon as his old behaviours started
coming out (namely, him trying to manage down my
expectations not going to happen), that was it, I was out of
there. Didnt even tell him I was ending the relationship, just
went no contact. Id never do that with anyone else, but the
shitbag didnt deserve an explanation. I started researching
and this is why I ended up. He is a full blown narc, its scary.
All the times Ive spent with him, he was secretly thinking in
his head how can I bring this bitch down and keep her there.
Truly scary stuff.
Page 9 of 25
4/26/16, 5:17 PM
Reply
31.08.2015 @ 10:56 pm
SGS
Isnt this a sociopath?
What is the difference between a sociopath and a narcissist? I

keep seeing what I know to be a sociopath (married one)
called a narcissist.. confusing and with way theyre terrible.
Reply
Savannah Grey
31.08.2015 @ 11:36 pm
SGS both NPD and Antisocial Personality Disorder are

both cluster b disorders which means they have some
traits in common. The biggest differences I think are
that a Narcissist needs people like a drug addict needs
their drugs, they derive their sense of self-worth
externally from other people, so they constantly need to
look for and feed off of the emotions of others. A
Psychopath doesnt need people. They dont care what
you think of them. Your hating them doesnt mean a
thing to them. They use people because it amuses
them not because they need to. Narcissists have an
impaired ability to feel empathy, Psychopaths dont feel
empathy period. Narcissists are massively insecure
and fear rejection, Psychopaths arent insecure and
they dont care if you leave them. So If your guy is
constantly seeking approval, looking for ego strokes
and needing people to puff him up hes a Narcissist. If
hes totally cold, indifferent and just amuses himself by
toying with others then hes likely a Psychopath. They
are both misanthropes, they both use and manipulate
people it is however for different reasons. It can be
difficult to make the distinction but I look at the
insecurity factor and whether or not their egos need
stroking.
KAS
27.08.2015 @ 3:07 pm
Not sure what to make of this. Yesterday while I was reading

this article (how timely!!!) my ex Ns new wife texted me that
its been nice not hearing from my big mouth. Then 20 minutes
later she texted asking if I saw the flowers my ex gave her on
FB. And that he loves her so and takes such good care of her.
Youd think shed be happy about no contact, instead shes
trying to pull me into another fight!!! Im ignoring her.
Reply
Nils
26.08.2015 @ 9:08 am
I have blocked him Skype, unfriended him on Facebook and

diverted his emails to my trash (you cant block emails on
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Google). I had blocked his number on my iPhone but today I

deleted his number all together which technically means he
could contact me but I didnt even want his number on my
phone anymore. Have id one the wrong with the phone?!
Reply
Lola
26.08.2015 @ 1:40 pm
Theres so much effort to purge someone from our lives

nowadays. Not just them but their digital footprints. Ive
blocked on Skype, Gmail = trash bucket, block on FB,
and maybe something else? LOL
In the olden days, people just didnt come by your
house anymore. Or youd have someone keeping
sentry with a shotgun, were this the Old West. That
would be fun.
RobertV
25.08.2015 @ 1:20 pm
I make them pull the lever and get punished.

Reply
marcie
21.08.2015 @ 2:38 am
My ex husband who was diagnosed with nod did not try to

come back or Hoover. At first I was hurt but now I know I was
lucky. I did stand up to him and his everyone with the real
truth about him and I know they dont give closure and I
exposed him. I did that for my healing not caring that he would
just use that to make me look more crazy
Reply
Vane S.
19.08.2015 @ 1:11 pm
K- we have a two year old daughter together.. And I realize

now that she was just an excuse for him to come to the house
and for me to give him attention.. He uses her to pull my heart
strings..in the past when I didnt want to talk to him..he would
send me pictures of her..saying that he missed us..he misses
his family..and I would fall for that..and I would let him see
her..he would spend 5-10 mins with her..then he wanted to
have sex with me then go back to ignoring me..I know now
that he dont care anything about her and will use her to try to
get my attention But yeahhe is trying to keep tabs on me
because since I havent talked to him..he probably thinks I
have somebody else so yeah..hes freaking out
Reply
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19.08.2015 @ 11:12 am
They keep tabs because they want to know if you are still
available to them. They dont like rejection, so they want to
check are you married, did you have a baby, do you have a
boyfriend. they also are hoping you arent doing great once
theyve left your life. They are so insecure they have to keep
checking to reassure themselves that they made the right
decision.
What Savannah said is so true..
My ex narc would text me every 6 to 8 weeks after I told him
that I did not want him contacting anymore.. and when he
realised that I wasnt going to respond the texts become more
frequent as if they go into a panic that we have actually moved
on and forgotten them!!
Like Savannah says no contact is the only way to be free of
these draining toxic people..
I was no response which doesnt actually work, even though I
wasnt responding when I received a text from him it set me
back ten steps. Blocking them from every avenue is the only
way to move forward and concentrate on you..
Reply
Vane S.
19.08.2015 @ 2:33 am
Update: Wellhe came back tonight I was watching TV and

I heard a truck in my driveway.. Then I heard loud banging on
my door..I told him through the door if he didnt leave I was
going to call the policehe said something..then he left..I
locked my screen door.. 15 mins later.. He came back..popped
my lock open and kept banging on my doors..then he left
again..10 mins later..he came back again!!!!!!!..he could tell me
and my daughter was in the bathroom and was trying to talk to
me through the windowhe said that he had came by the
house all week and that he was ringing my doorbell..Ive been
home all week and he never came here..he was asking me if
he could come by when he was sending me messages but I
never responded to him..just like tonight.. I let him knock and
look like a fool..but Im not going to be able to keep dealing
with him doing this because when he does this..I get pissed
and I would let him in the house and all he would do is try to
have sex with me and if I gave in..he would ignore meso Im
going to have to start to call the police.. I didnt cave in..but
this is getting old..he just wants me to give in and go back to
those old ways and Im just not going to do it..
Reply
Lola
18.08.2015 @ 11:57 pm
Savannah:
Have you ever heard a case where a somatic boomerang type
narc was suddenly enthralled and faithful in some new
relationship after claiming to meet the love of his life?
Page 12 of 25
4/26/16, 5:17 PM
I know I already know the answer, but Im curious if you or

anyone else has any feedback/experiences. I knew a guy,
total user/ manipulator very likely a narcissistic sociopath
given all his glib charm and yet Im finding it hard to believe
how a man who has a library of nude women on his phone
could possibly be faithful with some divorced chick with 2
infants. (She left her husband for him.)
After his discard, I read a lot about narcs (obviously) and
several sites mentioned how they are bad gift givers. Well, I
found it telling that he sent a b-day gift to a female friend of his
(a harem memberlikely an old fuck buddyhe posted this on
FB so all could see) which was a shirt from his tattoo parlor
(where he got all his lame tattoos). I didnt think anything of it
at the time, but in retrospect I do find it telling how such a gift
will inspire conversation back onto him.
Where did you get that shirt?
Oh, my friend Johnny gave this to me. He has the coolest
tattoos. Hes so hot, etc.
Conversation? Back to him and his tattooed muscles. And why
do these narcs, even when not contacting us, still search us
online/follow our blogs, etc.?
If I was gonna cut someone out I wouldnt be doing that. But
then again, Im not a narc.
Reply
Savannah Grey
19.08.2015 @ 12:54 am
Lola: One possibility is that whomever is doing the

diagnosis may not have the right diagnosis. The person
could have been emotionally unavailable and not a
Narcissist, then something happened and he decided
to grow up and change or the reason for his
emotional unavailability no longer exists. another
possibility is that they are in the over-evaluation stage
and he is currently obsessed with his new target, only
to revert back to his old self once she is no longer shiny
and new. Another possibility is that some Narcissists
are capable of long term relationships. Theyre not
happy ones though believe me, my ex-narc also left me
for a woman with two children and as far as I know they
are still together do I envy her hell no.
As for the gift generally they are terrible gift givers but
it depends on the situation. For a Narc its all about how
they are perceived. My Narc was terrible at buying me
gifts, but he gave a friend and co-worker $1200 to help
him buy a boat. He got off on the fact that he would be
viewed as such a generous guy. The general rule of
thumb for a Narc is that when they are generous its not
for the sake of being generous its for how it will make
them look and the supply they can glean from that.
They keep tabs because they want to know if you are
still available to them. They dont like rejection, so they
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want to check are you married, did you have a baby,

do you have a boyfriend. they also are hoping you
arent doing great once theyve left your life. They are
so insecure they have to keep checking to reassure
themselves that they made the right decision. If you
won the lottery a week after they left you that would
make them nearly suicidal.
Lola
19.08.2015 @ 1:09 am
Thanks for your thorough response.

If you won the lottery a week after they left you that
would make them nearly suicidal.
This made me laugh. I wish I could win the lottery if
only for that. LOL!
Helga
18.08.2015 @ 3:51 pm
What if the narc never hoovered back in this way?

What if he never tried to suck you back in?
I was never hovered by my ex which made me doubt if he
really is a narc
Or maybe I am really of no use to him anymorethat he no
longer views me as a narc supply
Reply
Savannah Grey
18.08.2015 @ 4:47 pm
When they leave and dont come back you are one of
the lucky ones.
Vane S.
18.08.2015 @ 2:12 pm
This came in the nick of time..its been two weeks since Ive
heard from my Nand Ive never felt bettera couple of
weeks ago..he was doing the whole back and forth game with
me and I had finally had enough..we have a child and I had
asked him for something for her..he ignored me for days..so I
blocked him from calling me..he started sending me emails..I
sent them to my spam box..I didnt respond until I saw a
message where he said he had came by my houseI
snapped on him but havent said any else to him because I
dont have nothing to say to him..yesterday I read this about 5
times..and this basically confirms everything..because in the
past I fell for every hook he sunk into me but not anymore..like
I said..I havent seen him in two weeks and I pray to God he
stays away from me and my child..thanks for this post
Savannah!!!!!!!!
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Reply
18.08.2015 @ 9:01 am
helen
i split up. he chased.did no contact. i got low ,i made contact.

he came straight back. played me against another woman.
now he disappeared and giving me no contact. i miss him.
why? he has done some terrible things to me. part of me
wnats him back and part says wake up and move on. im sick
Reply
StrongerToday
18.08.2015 @ 7:39 pm
Helenplease remember HE is the sick one. Many of

us have had multiple weak moments. But you will get
there. I sought help from a therapist as I recognized
something is keeping me from going no contact
fearlow self esteemwhatever. He has brainwashed
me for years into thinking I will never find anyone else
or no one as good as him. Seek help. IT is hard to do
totally on your own. I read articles here a LOT to keep
my strong. Work on loving yourself. He is not worth
getting down on yourself!! You can do it! YOu do NOT
need him.
StrongerToday
18.08.2015 @ 3:35 am
I agree with Eileen W, the info about not taking No for an

answer was critical info for me.
Reply
StrongerToday
18.08.2015 @ 3:31 am
Wow, this is the third most important post for me from this site.
The first one was an intro to Narcissism, the second the
Harem article and now this.
Even tho Savannah recommends and specifically
recommended to me no contact (and so did my therapist), I
did not stick to it.
And now I am experiencing everything described in this article.
He has really poured it on and I fell for it.
He was even trying to be intimate with me. And I just cant do
it. I am so repulsed. He keeps asking me to cuddle. I said
absolutely not. So then he tried to hug and kiss on me and I
pulled away.
So he left for the coast and he will be back in 3 weeks. We
agreed to no contact for this time period. However I will have
no contact now period.
This article describes everything I have been experiencing to a
T. As stated in the article, he keeps telling me I am the love of
his life and my internal response is you cant possibly love
me. I know this is not love.
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4/26/16, 5:17 PM
Thank you thank you thank you. I am finally there now. True
freedom here I come. I have a therapist now as well and she
will also be my support. This article has been so invaluable to
me.
Sometimes you feel something yourself but cant quite put
your finger on it and then you read something like this that
makes it so clear.
Reply
Autumn
18.08.2015 @ 12:57 am
I am so thankful to find this site. It has given me so much

insight to what I have been trying to understand for so long. I
will keep reading, hopefully be able to make my break with a
narcissist that has had me fooled for over 10 years. I should
know better, but this has been a completely different situation
to be in than those in the past. I can figure out an alcoholic
and a drug addict but this blindsided me completely!
Reply
Karen
18.08.2015 @ 12:31 am
I am 3 years into a Divorce with a man I spent 30 years of my

life with but I finally found the strength to leave. He lies and
manipulates. My son is in the military and has been
brainwashed..doesnt speak with me because of the lies his
Dad tells him about me. My heart is broken because I tried to
take the high road and not speak my truthhe is getting
married in 3 months and He probably won t invite me. His
Dad is dragging out the divorce because he doesnt
Want to give me anythingbut my son thinks its me dragging
things out. I was the best wife and mother I knew how to be.
Thinking I should just walk away with nothing but he will still
say I took it all anyway. Im 53 years old and starting over..I
need to think my son will eventually see the truth but Im not
sure.Devastating..
Reply
Eileen W
17.08.2015 @ 9:45 pm
Fab article. I really love this

If you tell someone no and they continue, thats incredibly
disrespectful and fully indicative of someone whose only
interest is in their own needs not yours.
Oddly enough, I was thinking about this very same thing when
out walking today. Real, genuine friends dont try and
manipulate you into doing something with, or for, them when
you tell them that you cant do whatever it is that they want. I
was thinking of narc friends and boyfriends who would say
things like Oh, you can do that another time or the guilt
inducing Well, you would come with me if you really wanted
to when I told them that I need to go and do something
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4/26/16, 5:17 PM
instead of being with them, or Oh, theyll understand if you

dont go when Ive previously arranged to see someone else
or I had an appointment. Genuine people just say something
like Thats okay. Perhaps we can do it another time, and give
you the space to go and see to your own stuff.
Reply
Still Recovering
17.08.2015 @ 6:58 pm
Great post. Yes, the repeated attempts to win you over

continueuntil the N realizes that you are a highly diminished
supply and start to seek out other more lucrative supply.
Thats when you finally stop hearing from them, but they will
still occasionally dial your number in error. Dont answer. They
are temporarily experiencing a lull with their current supply
and throwing a hook to see if youll take it. I call myself still
recovering because I dont know if Ill ever fully recover. I do
know that I will continue no contact as this is the best thing
Ive ever done for myself. Needless to say, when I receive a
call based on the N dialing a wrong number I simply dont
respond. I know exactly what they are looking for and they
wont get it from mebeen down that road.
Reply
17.08.2015 @ 6:18 pm
alisa
How do you distinguish between what is written in this article

versus two people wanting to re connect and re establish a
relationship in a positive and healthy way?
Reply
Free at last
17.08.2015 @ 8:29 pm
Well, if he abused you, he will certainly do it again. Oh,

you can tell yourself that you will prevent it this time,
that you are now healthy, but that is the way you wish
things were. This is the way things are. Dont go there.
You tried it once and it did not work. Keep working on
your own health and strength and look elsewhere. You
know what this one is, and you didnt like it. Leave it
and go fish somewhere else. This is spoken to me as
well as to you.
Eileen W
17.08.2015 @ 9:56 pm
Hi Alisha. " As Free at Last said, it he abused you

before then hell do it again. In fact, it will be easier for
him to abuse you again because if you go back then it
tells him that youre willing to put up with it.
I think what you said about a healthy, positive coming
back together is a great clue for a good relationship,
Alisha. If the relationship was healthy and positive and
Page 17 of 25
4/26/16, 5:17 PM
you both made a mistake by splitting up, then go for it.

But, if he made you miserable and being in love with
him really hurt, then you know that the relationship
never was and never will be a positive, healthy one.
StrongerToday
18.08.2015 @ 7:43 pm
My therapist observed that I had been hoping and

waiting for him to change. She had to drill into my head
that things were NEVER going to be different. Oh I
might feel a difference for a while; but it would never
truly be different. Any change would be temporary and
only long enough to suck you back in. This is not
imaginary. it is no joke. It is very real and very
devastating. You deserve more. I told my therapist I
knew I deserve better but I had a fear I would never
have anything better. He did a good job of implanting
that in my brain and due to me not working on my self
esteem I was very ripe for that implantation.
alisa
17.08.2015 @ 6:15 pm
How do you know if a person genuinely wants to re connect in

a positive and healthy way versus trying to manipulate you?
All re connections start somewhere. Just like all friends where
at one point strangers. I am confused.
Reply
Jennifer
17.08.2015 @ 5:32 pm
Omg! God is so good! I got convicted a few days,ago that

basically I need to let this man go all the,way! No contact! I
need to put trust in God and not in man. See my ex narcissist
was my first ever and I never knew such a thing existed! He
accomplished so much with me in such a short period of time.
Everything with me to him was a challenge.. He manipulated
me so good that I quit my job bc he wanted to take care of me,
I moved in bc he wanted me always. Little did I know I was
being sent to prison! He changed, he knew he had me. The
sweet gestures stopped, he would go MIA for hours at a time
eventually days. He always had a great story and in the
process I lost myself. I received Fb messages from women
who claimed they were with my man. I never said anything to
him bc I started planning my escape. I used his very tactics
against him. Oh he didnt like it once he caught on. My family
hated him. They say your so lost I see a dark cloud around
you every time I see you. I didnt want that! Thats horrible! Im
a bubbly, extrovert, blue personality! I just became depressed.
I finally had a few chances to leave. But I always came back.
He never fought for me either. I came back bc of that ugly
sickening I cant live without him, I will always be alone pain
in the stomach! So pathetic! He knew it too.he even said. I
will be here when your ready to come home baby. You aint
going anywhere! Ugh!!!! I hated him! I hated myself more!
Page 18 of 25
4/26/16, 5:17 PM
Finally the last straw was Wed night after this past easter
Sunday. I was sick with fever and he was nowhere to be
found. I was eventually at 102 and I couldnt focus. I called n
called n texted and he ignores me. Saying Im at a business
meeting. Aka drinking with his friends at kona grill. With
another female too. He said go to sleep, your being dramatic.
Hung up. I cried and wished I fell asleep and never woke up!
But before that I pleaded to Christ, please I will walk out this
time lord give me strength, heal me! I woke up next morning to
my man just getting home at 7 am. But heres the best part, I
woke up 100% healed!!!! I started packing and loading up and
my man just was like ok so what time you be home? by
dinner? I ignored him and said not one word while packing
the whole two hours! Left and never came back. My heart
broke and I finally broke down when I really had nowhere to
go. I lived on couches and in my car for almost a month. He
finally realized I was serious and retaliated! It was horrible!
Then after everything just about a month ago. After about a
month of silence he decided to play pity card. I believed and
said we could be friends. I gave my life to Christ and it gave
me a forgiving heart towards him. But I fell hard and was
manipulated again! For one night I slept with him. He took it as
we,are back together. I was so ashamed. Told him I made
a,mistake. He was ok bc he got what he wanted. I since went
no contact , plus I heard he found a new victim. So I was like
awesome! Someone elses problem! I will pray for that
woman! Then just last night I see he called at 2:45 am and left
3 text messages. He got upset that his calls went straight to
VM. Bc I gave him on block. But I can still see he called. And I
checked my spam messages sure enough. Hey jenny you up?
! at 2:12am, then at 2:46 am , oh yeah, thats
nice..really. Sorry..night. Then 3 am.. he said, Well if you
still need that $$$ call me manana after noonish ok. Hope
youre doing well lmfao!! He knows Im hurting for cash
since I left him. Trying to get back on track. Always using let
me give you some money , take care of you. Jerk!!! Ugh. I
almost considered responding! Saying no Im good! But right
then I got an email notification for something and then I looked
at my other emails and saw this article!!!! Saved by the bell!!!!!!
Thank you for sharing! You saved me once again!! Dammm
narcissists! Lol
Reply
Cinna
17.08.2015 @ 3:20 pm
I have experienced everything in this article too. Whenever I

busted him he would do this weird version of cow towing to me
rather than acting like an adult. Then do the pity play. Then
when the coast was clear he would be right back in business
with his extra activities. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. I am distant
toward him now as I make my plans to leave. He pouts a bit
but mostly does not even notice so he is definitely getting his
narc supply out there with multiple multiple women. Yuck.
Thank goodness for Web sites like these to help me think
straight.
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Reply
Yvonne
17.08.2015 @ 2:36 pm
I have noticed with my narcissistic boyfriend over the weekend

that he never apologized for him being a jerk. Hes just
majorally kissing my butt being all sweet and lovey cuz
another guy congratulated him on being with a pretty girl like
me. I got yelled at for this guy complimenting me and him and
he did it with his parents right there. How us this my fault?! I
didnt tell him to do that. It was flattering but he got real
possessive and said we mise well just break up right now cuz
this is messed up. I said ok and walk away from him but he
got to thinking and realized he was over reacting but never
said he was sorry. Just said do you love me and can we stop
fighting. I dont think he will ever let me leave. Im the best he
will ever have standing next to his side. I thought maybe his
charm will work on some other girl and ur can be her problem
but I cant seem to just say goodbye without a motive or
excuse. He munipulates everything and is a major control
freak. Isolated me from my friends and family and makes me
feel like Im lost without him. I feel sorry for him and thats my
biggest weakness.
Reply
Jojo75
17.08.2015 @ 2:11 pm
My ex narc tried everything under the sun including everything

you just named in this article. What a joke!! I was wise to his
ways, I had ended the relationship and went No Contact.
Needless to say he freaked out. I knew he wanted to end the
relationship on HIS terms, not mine. He then started stalking
me and threatening me. But I stayed NC. I slapped him with a
Stalking Injunction and he was forced to leave me alone or
face jail time. It saved my life and it was the best thing I could
have done. He was determined to ruin my life for leaving him. I
would recommend it to anyone who is faced with an Ex Narc
who wont leave you alone and who is going to great lengths
to get revenge, get you to come back, etc.
Reply
ortensia
17.08.2015 @ 1:55 pm
hi Savannah, how can you be so sure the Narc will come back
even for their own interest?Im over a year of no contact and
never heard from him who hes stil with new official girlfriend
thank you for your wonderful blog
Reply
Savannah Grey
17.08.2015 @ 1:59 pm
Ortensia if your Narcissist has gone and left you
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4/26/16, 5:17 PM
alone consider yourself lucky. They dont all come

back, but the possibility is there that they might.
Lola
18.08.2015 @ 12:48 am
Mine just discarded me for new supply overnight. To

my knowledge, still with her, too. Will likely never hear
from him again. No spaghetti for me, I guess. Too many
carbs.
Savannah Grey
18.08.2015 @ 1:05 am
Lola Ive had some that wouldnt go away and my longterm narc I never heard from again. Its way better
when it happens that way.
Beginnersmind
17.08.2015 @ 1:28 pm
Wow, great stuff! You have some really wonderful insights!

Reply
Ashleigh
17.08.2015 @ 12:46 pm
I have a group meeting where, my ex narcissist, will definitely

be attending. He will also have one of the new women hes
dating. How do I deal with it? I have to go to this thing, and Im
not sure what to do
Reply
Free at last
17.08.2015 @ 12:20 pm
Oh, yeah. Absolutely so true that I broke out laughing, but it is

also dead serious because that is exactly how it works and I
can see how it will end if I biteright back to the way things
were. And, yikes. Thanks for the reminder and the warning.
Reply
17.08.2015 @ 11:51 am
jaz
Thats exactly what he does.. he wont let me go. He doesnt

want to be here, it just looks good on his resume of bull shit
Ive been looking this subject up all weekend and here it is.
Thanks
Reply
Page 21 of 25
Narc Magnet
4/26/16, 5:17 PM
17.08.2015 @ 11:40 am
I was married to a Narcissist for 12 years and finally made the

break and started divorce proceedings early last year. My
husband is playing games with the divorce settlement, but I
am removed from him and his antics and have lawyers dealing
with the settlement. We have been separated since 2012 so I
am well removed emotionally and last year August bumped
into my childhood sweetheart from 30 years back.
We clicked immediately and tried to have a long distance
relationship, which expedited emotions and feelings, but for
the past few months I have felt that he manipulates me, got
me to rely on him and realised I have fallen into the trap of yet
another Narcissist.
I have now also come to realise that these two men have not
been my only two Narcissistic relationships.
What is wrong with me to be attracted to these men?
Reply
17.08.2015 @ 11:28 am
Free
My ex contacted me on Friday. Almost a year to the day of him

leaving me, again, for a another woman and after 9 months of
no contact.
He called me private number at work asking if I had called him
the day prior (it was his birthday). Of course I hadnt and
though I had remembered it was his birthday I didnt let him
know that. His response was well you have definitely forgotten
about me then. He also used some of the tricks Sav has
mentioned in this blog, his kids still ask about me, bringing up
things we used to do together and even actually saying he has
a lot to be sorry for even though he now lives with the woman
he left me for.
I love that he keeps reinforcing to me exactly who he is.
Thankfully It didnt ignite any feelings for him. In a sick and
twisted way I actually reveled in it a little bit, which is silly as
its not me he misses its just the supply. That man bought me
to the darkest place I have ever been and I have to remember
that.
Unfortunately he also told me that he has a job about 10
minutes from where I work. Im playing with fire, if he contacts
me again I will have to hang up immediately I cant take any
chances of getting sucked back in.
Reply
Onward & Upward
20.08.2015 @ 2:38 am
I had blocked my ExNs phone # but not email. Its

been a few months of nc & I ignored a call from an
unknown number this week. Then I received an email
from him asking if I tried to call him. I replied, no I
hadnt. Then promptly got messages from a few of his
harem asking me if I tried calling him b/c he claimed I
Page 22 of 25
4/26/16, 5:17 PM
had. I learned the unknown call was him trying to

contact me w/ his new #. Just re-confirmed the
importance of nc. His world is chaos & it permeates
anyone close to him. I just want to be left alone & not
bothered by him or anyone connected to him. Ive not
only had to block him, but his harem as well b/c of the
lies he tells others.
I Can Do This
17.08.2015 @ 11:11 am
Wow, reading these examples of texts is like reading my own

phone periodically. Ive stumbled since June with the no
contact rule; connecting with him twice since and listening to
more lies. Even though I know he lies, and tell him so during
those meetings, I still feel attached. Im making better efforts,
doing more things to move forward in my own life and take
care of my own needs. I still cant believe when I read things
like this article how it reinforces all that has gone on as a
narcissistic attack. Getting stronger and tremendously thankful
for this site and its wisdom!
Reply
Justme
17.08.2015 @ 9:33 am
This is so true, Im going through this now, he is relentless! I

went 100% NC last year for 8 months, then let him back in this
year, sure he was ok to begin with then the mask slipped a
couple of times, then it slipped again and I hated the feelings I
had when this happened. He is e-mailing me now saying I
miss my babe Stupid me repliedso thank you for this
reminder, came just at the right time "
Reply
Shoshanna
17.08.2015 @ 7:16 am
I have gone absolute no contact with my ex narcissistic,

cutting out their supply after abuse via Facebook private
messages and in public. I havent responded to them.
There are now vile allegations being bandied around and
people dear to me are involved. I am now seeking legal
advice. And I wish that I had never met this horrible excuse for
a human being.
Reply
17.08.2015 @ 7:11 am
Another fantastic post Savannah and again related to my

situation.
Im no contact all the way now and feel stronger than ever.
Unfortunately I did get sucked back in and my defences were
weakened but it just proved to me that these people never
change and all they care about is themselves.
Page 23 of 25
4/26/16, 5:17 PM
Well its time to bring the focus back to me now, my happiness

comes first..
I choose me!!
Reply
nar's sister
06.09.2015 @ 9:57 am
My brother is a huge narcissist. It took my family and I

a long time to figure out thats what the deal was with
him. AS my mother says, hes very good at convincing
you hes right about someone or a situation. My
problem is that although I have given up on having a
relationship with him at all, my Dad has not. He is
always invited to family gatherings in hopes that he will
come around. Its difficult for my Dad to believe that
his son is a narcissist.
My brother stopped talking to me 10 years ago. Then
suddenly, at a family gathering, he started to
acknowledge me, giving me a big hug. If I tried to talk
to him he would belittle me or glare, though. Then Id
get another big hug when he left. I was confused, hurt,
angry. Dad couldnt figure it out (why I was so upset,
why my brother was being mean). Dad is a little out of
touch. Finally I read some books about narcissistic
personality and realized that THIS is the problem with
my brother! My mom finally agreed with me that this is
exactly his personality. Thats not a diagnosis, but
getting an NP to see he IS and NP is tantamount to
admitting there is a problem with him, which aint gonna
happen.
He eventually did get counseling. He asked my mom to
join him in a session. The counselor, instead of
facilitating the discussion took part in saying that every
problem of my brothers was my moms fault. She is a
social worker, very familiar with family counseling. She
realized that the counselor had been charmed and
might have even been having an affair with my brother!
This is speculation, but it seems clear that their
relationship is a little beyond professional.
I still have to see my brother sometimes, at family
gatherings, but I ignore him completely. He likes to
glare at me from across the room while draping himself
over his latest girlfriend. Usually they glare at me too,
thinking I am this awful person. I always want to hand
them a card and say, When youre ready to get help,
go to this website.
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