Meet Your Five Most Commonly Neglected Needs

Some people think loving yourself is easy.

Its not. The reason why some people think its easy is because they confuse
selfishness with self-love.
The Difference Between Selfishness And Self-Love
Selfishness and Self-Love look alike but theyre very different from each
other. I compare them to the nuclear bomb and the nuclear plant. The nuclear
bomb kills thousands but the nuclear plant helps thousands. (Researchers say that
modern nuclear plants are very safeeven from earthquakes and tsunamis. The
Fukushima nuclear plant was 40 years old.)
The difference is simple. Selfishness is meeting your own needs and your own
needs only. Self-love is meeting your needs so that you can meet the needs of
others even more.
Within you is a Love Tank. And your Love Tank has a faucet. The only way for
love to flow out of that faucet is if your Love Tank is full. If you dont receive
love, you wont be able to give love. You cant give what you dont have. You
cant love anyone if you dont love yourself. You cant even love God if you dont
love yourself.
Even Jesus honored his needs. The Bible says that when crowds of people
came to him for healing, he honored his need to be alone. But Jesus often
withdrew to lonely places and prayed. (Luke 5:1516)
I know people who dont even know their needs anymore. They are so
overwhelmed by the needs of other people, they dont have time to listen to their
own needs.
Why?
Early on, they were brainwashed that their needs werent important. Correction:
They were brainwashed that THEY were not important.
People with Toxic Shame feel they dont deserve to meet their needs,
whatever needs they have.
But Jesus shows us the way
The Bible Says So
Jesus commanded, Love your neighbor as you love yourself.
And Paul said, Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but
also to the interests of others. (Philippians 2:4) He assumes that you should look
after your needs.
When you ride a plane, the stewardess says, If you have a child with you, put
your oxygen mask on first before assisting and putting the oxygen mask on your

child. This is an important lesson. If you cant breathe, how can you help your
child?
Today, Id like to talk about healthy self-love.
How? By honoring your needs.
Honor Your Needs
Love yourself by honoring your needs.
You dont hear this preached in Church often. Because we were taught that it is
holy to neglect our needsand prioritize the needs of others. Where does this
neglect of self come from?
Let me review where this Toxic Shame comes from
Source 1: Absentee Parenting
When our parents dont spend time with us, we get the clear message that were
not very important. And if were not important, our needs arent important too.
Major culprit? Absentee parenting. Because of workaholic parents, or noninvolved parents, or narcissistic parents. These kids will grow up not valuing
themselves. Desperate for love, theyll seek this love from peers, from drugs, from
achievements
It also comes from how we relate with our emotions
Source 2: Mismanaged Emotions
I see this scene often: When a child is running and stumblesand cries with real
tears because she got hurt (Note: Not just a tantrum), some misguided adults would
tell her, Stop crying! Dont be a cry-baby! Stop! RIGHT NOW! They force the
child to stop feeling.
The unspoken message is, Your emotions arent important. Shelve it. Discard it.
Bury it. The deeper message was, Your needs are not important. Because YOU
are not important. YOU have no value.
If you repeat this 20,000 times to a child, this self-murdering message becomes
part of their psyche.
Add to that a distorted religiosity that taught you to hate yourself and you get a
deadly bomb of Toxic Shame.
Source 3: Distorted Religion
When I was 13, I was a fan of St. Francis of Assisi. Like Francis, I wanted to
live a life of poverty.
So I stopped wearing nice clothes. I wore the crummiest attire I could find.
Old sandals. Old jogging pants. And old shirts with holesthe more, the better. I
never put on deodorant because I considered it vanity. (Wherever I went, people

said I had the odor of sanctity. But one day, my girlfriend told me, The Bible says
you should use deodorant. I was shocked. I asked, Where? She said, In the
10 commandments, it says, Thou shall not kill Because your toxic fumes are
murdering me.)
Looking back now, I realized that I neglected my appearance partly because I
hated myself. I didnt like myself. I had the I Hate Myself spirituality.
This spirituality is more common than you think. Some religious people think its
the secret to sainthood. They think that God is very pleased if you hate yourself.
But as the years went by, I noticed I was burning outlike a burning
matchstick.
Ive noticed the same thing among many religious workers.
Ive met religious people, from nuns to priests to laypeople, who suffer from
burnout and depression because they repress their emotions. They see their
feelings as enemies instead as friends. And they see all their desires as evil.
In fact, I notice that a lot of people neglect these five needs
Five Needs That We Usually Neglect
We neglect many of our needs, but there are the five of the most common ones

1.You Need Rest

Love yourself. Get some rest.
Tiredness is an epidemic. Many people are Chronically Tired. And we know why. This
epidemic is caused by one virus: The virus of Prolonged Stress.
You know when youre chronically tired?
Heres a sure and obvious sign that youve got this disease: If you wake up in the
morning already tired.
That means your sleep didnt refresh you. That means theres something wrongyoure not
addressing your need to rest.

Heres my recommendation: Take mini-vacations.

Take mini-vacations within the day. It may just be ten minutes. It may just be
thirty minutes. But take it.
Sit down, put your hands around a cup of hot herbal tea, inhale the aroma, breathe
in peace, joy, love, hope, strength, and exhale all your frustration, stress, worry,
fear, anxiety In your mini-vacation of ten minutes, thirty minutes, one hour,
pray, converse with God, meditate, think, plan, write your journal, talk to a
confidant about why you do what you do.
Because I work on Sundays, I take a few hours each Monday morning to be alone.
To relax. To read. To reflect. To relate. After that, Im ready to serve another
week with joy in my heart.
Take mini-vacations during the week, the month, and the year. You need rest. Its
one of the most neglected needs.

2.You Need Dreams

Love yourself. Keep dreaming.
Dreams are your fuel.
In one Catholic Conference, I gave a talk entitled, How To Make Your Dreams
Come True. It was very well received. People came up to me and said, Bo, Im
so excited. Im going to dream again!
But the next speaker was a priest. And he attacked my message. He said, We
have no business pursuing our dreams! That is selfishness. We should be only
concerned about doing Gods will.
I call this over-spiritualizing. If the priest allowed me to ask a question, Id ask,
But Father, how will I know Gods Will for my life? Yes, Gods Will is found in
the Bible and our Doctrines, but I also believe that Gods Will is found in my
deepest desires. He planted dreams in my soul. I need to listen to the dreams that
burn in my heart. Through the scalpel of prayer and discernment, I peel away my
shallow desires, until I touch base with my deepest desires. And there, I will find
the will of God.
Friend, God created you as a Dreamer. You need to allow yourself to dream. Your
dream could be very big or very small. It doesnt matter. But you need to keep on
dreaming, or you start dying.
My dream is big. I want to build 1000 Feasts all around the globe, with each
Feast becoming a gushing spring of Gods Love to the world. (Note: Thats how
we call our weekly prayer gatherings all over the world.)
If you notice, my dream wont be fulfilled for a very long time. It will take ten or
twenty years, maybe more. But thats okay. Im enjoying every step of the way.
Some dreams are small in size but big in value. I was talking to an 81 year old
man. With a twinkle in his eye, he said, Brother Bo, please pray that God will
give a longer life. Because I want to see my granddaughter in America. He
pulled out his wallet and showed me a lovely photo of a 5-year old girl with
dimples on her smile. He said, Im not in very good health, but everyday, I try to
walk. Everyday, I eat well. So that I can see my little granddaughter before I die.
What are your dreams? Identify them. Write them down. Pray for them.
Announce them to the world. And make your dreams wake you up everyday.

3.You Need To Be You

Love yourself. Be you.
You need to be yourself. You need to be faithful to how God made you.
If you fit yourself into a cookie cutter, it will hurtbecause parts of you will have
to be cut away. In the same way, when you try to fit into the expectations of
others, it will be painful.

The easiest way to live is to live authentically.

Be Faithful To Your Passion
Be faithful to your gifts.
If you can speak, then speak to inspire the world.
If you can build bridges, then build bridges that will last a hundred years so that
your great grand kids can stand on that bridge and say out loud, The father of the
father of my father built this bridge.
If you can dance, then dance like your feet are on fire and the ground beneath your
feet shake to the beat of your dance.
If you can paint, then paint paintings that become mirrors so people can see
themselves and windows so people can see the colors of the universe.
If you can repair cars, then repair cars so babies are safe and kids can go to school
and parents can work.
If you can design clothes, then design clothes that will make mothers with cellulite
on their legs and stretch marks on their bellies feel like a pretty princess again.
If you can make money, then make so much money, everyone around you gets rich.
If you can write songs, then write the songs that make the whole world sing, I
write the songs of love and special things, I write the songs that make the young
girl cry, I write the songs, I write the songs.
Be Faithful To Your Personality
Are you more talkative than the average person? If you are, dont pretend to be
quiet. God made you talkative for a purpose. If youre talkative, then talk until
everyone is sitting at your feet learning from your stories.
Are you quieter than the average person? Dont pretend to be more talkative.
Speak, but dont use your words. Use your eyes, smile, your hands, your touch,
your arms, your presence, to tell them know how special they are.
Do you laugh easily? Then laugh. Dont try to be prim and proper. Dont hide
your laughter. Laugh hard, laugh long, and laugh deep. Whenever I speak on
stage, I love it when someone in the audience laughs really loud. Because it gives
permission for everyone else to laugh loud. And I love that because a happy
person learns 1000 times more than a sad person.
So dont hold back your laughter. Laugh so that the sick child will find hope.
Laugh so that the frustrated friend so burdened with work will find strength.
Laugh so that the mother trying to make both ends meet can make it for another
day. Laugh so that this weary world will laugh with you.
Do you cry easily? Do you cry at a drop of a hat? Do you cry when it rains and do
you cry when it shines? Do you cry when the flower blooms and do you cry when
the flower dies? Dont be ashamed to cry. Cry with a friend who gets dumped by

a jerk. Cry with an officemate who gets scolded by a boss. Cry with the father
whose dream of going abroad was denied. Cry with the little child who feels left
out. Cry so that grieving people around the world will never feel alone.
Weirdness Can Make You Wealthy
Be faithful to your weirdness. Your craziness. Your idiosyncrasies. Your
peculiarities. Your quirks. Your birthmarks. They have a place in Gods scheme
of things.
Be forewarned: Some people will hate your weirdness. Dont mind them. Because
some people will adore your weirdness! Your weirdness will gather a community
of raving fans who think youre the coolest thing next to peanut butter ice cream.
Some of the wealthiest businesses in the worldApple, Amazon, eBay, Google,
Starbucksare not commodities. Theyre unusual, unique, skewed, one-of-a-kind,
strange In other words, weird.
And speaking of wealthy

4.You Need Money

Love yourself. Earn money.
Ive met religious people who believe that to save for their future was selfishness.
Its a double whammy: That means they were selfish and materialistic at the same
time.
But you need money. Everyone needs money. The nuns who run orphanages need
money. The priest who rides his motorcycle to celebrate Mass in faraway barrios
needs money. The boyfriend buying a rose to ask forgiveness from his girlfriend
needs money. The grandmother in her rocking chair wondering how she could buy
her medicine needs money.
Dont earn money for today only. (Look around you. Youre no longer living in
the desert, Moses is no longer with you, and youre not eating manna for breakfast,
lunch, and dinner.) Earn money for today and tomorrow and the day after.
Dont earn money for yourself only. Thats selfishness. Earn money for yourself
and the orphan that needs you and the maid that helps you and waiter that serves
you and the barber that styles you and the church that blesses you. So earn as
much money as you can.
And finally, your most important need

5.You Need Love

Love yourself. Invest in relationships.
This is your greatest need.

My recommendation? Invest in your relationships TODAY and youll have big

gains TOMORROW.
Invest in your spouse. Invest in your children. Invest in your siblings. Invest in
your friends. Invest in your parents.
What will you invest? Your time. Your care. Your service. Your patience. Your
forgiveness. Believe me, the returns are out of this world. (This is literal. Im
talking about Heaven.)
My friend Adrian Panganiban showed me a letter from a Mom and Dad, and it
touched me very much.
I quote it here because I want to stress the point that at the end of your life, youll
need love more than anything in this world.
Heres the letter
Please Bear With Me
Dear Child,
As I get older, please be patient with me.
When I drop things or make a mess of my food, I hope you dont shout at me or scold me.
Please bear with me.
When my eyesight dims and I stumble along my way, or when my hearing gets really bad
and I cant hear what you say, please bear with me.
When these embarrassing and difficult times come, if you could just hold my hand and tell
me that you understand Im sorry child, Im getting older. Please bear with me.
When my feet get crooked and my knees get weaker, when I fumble in my steps and I walk
slower, I hope you remember the time when I taught you how to walk. Please bear with
me.
When I keep repeating my stories to you, sometimes 4 or 5 times a day, just smile and
pretend I said it the first time. Because to my failing memory, its really the first time Im
saying it to you. Just remember how you repeated yourself as a child. Remember how
many times you asked, Are we there yet? every time we took a trip. Or how many times
you asked, Mommy, can you buy me this toy? whenever we were in a toy store? Please
bear with me.
When I dont smell so nice, when I smell like an old person, please be patient with me.
When you smell something not too good from me, I hope you remember that when you
were small, you used to sweat and smell too. But I loved it because it was part of your
growing up. Well, my smells are part of my growing old. Please bear with me.
When I get cranky or get sensitive, or when I get sentimental and moody, or when I get
pushy and demanding, all these are all part of getting old. Youll understand when you get
older. Please bear with me.
When you have time, I hope you visit me. Talk with me for a few minutes. Im always all
by myself and have no one to talk to. I know youre busy with work but your work will
always be with you, even after Im gone. I wont be here forever. Please bear with me.
Even if youre not interested in my stories, please pretend you are. Do u remember when I
used to listen to your stories about your toys, your imaginary friends, and the cartoons you
watched? Those things werent very interesting to me, but because they were important to
you, they were important to me too. I ask you to please bear with me.
When the time comes when I get sick and bedridden, I hope you visit me. Im sorry if I
accidentally wet the bed or make a mess. I hope you stay with me during the last few
moments of my life. Im not going to last much longer anyway. Please bear with me.

I pray for you everyday. When I finally meet God, I will continue to mention your name to
Him.
I love you.
We love you.
Please bear with me.
Eternally,
Mom and Dad

So I repeat: Invest in your relationships.

My fondest wish for you?
May you grow old with the people you love.
Honor your needs.
May your dreams come true,
Bo Sanchez