Being concise and cohesive in academic writing

Task A
Compare A, a list of sentences, with B, a short paragraph. How are they similar? How are they
different?
A.
1. Listening to heavy metal music while driving can lead to someone driving more dangerously.
2. Listening to heavy metal music while driving can lead to someone driving faster (Paul, 1998).
3. Research shows that drivers of both genders and all age groups are affected by listening to
heavy metal music.
4. Males aged 1627 drove particularly dangerously while listening to heavy metal music (Davis,
2009).

B.
Listening to heavy metal music while driving can lead to someone driving faster and more dangerously
(Paul, 1998). Research shows that although drivers of both genders and all age groups are affected,
male drivers aged 1627 drove particularly dangerously while listening to this style of music (Davis,
2009).

Task B
Rewrite the groups of sentences below using the techniques from Task A to make concise and
cohesive paragraphs.
NB Sentences can also be joined together using defining relative clauses (who/which/where clauses)
where appropriate.
Tests were conducted using an advanced driving simulator.
On the advanced driving simulator subjects drove around a virtual suburban area adhering to
normal UK traffic rules.
The drivers who were played heavy metal music drove an average of 11mph above the speed
limit at any one time.
There was a control group.
The control group was not played any music.
The control group drove an average of 4mph under the speed limit.
Male drivers drove an average of 1.4mph faster across all tests than females.
While listening to heavy metal music, males drove an average of 2.3mph faster than females
(Davis, 2009).
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Being concise and cohesive in academic writing

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By comparison, young men aged 1827 listening to heavy metal music drove an average of
16mph over the speed limit in the driving simulator tests.
Furthermore, young men listening to heavy metal music had seven crashes.
This is compared to just one crash among all other subjects during the tests (Davis, 2009).
There was a separate study done.
In the separate study it was found that 4% of a random sample of drivers had been involved in
a car accident within the previous two years.
With males aged 1823 the figure was 21% (Lyons, 2003).
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Being concise and cohesive in academic writing

Teaching notes
Level: upper-intermediate (B2).
Learners: EAP.
Timing: approximately 30 minutes.
Task A
Suggested answer:
The meaning of both is the same; however, while A is just a list of sentences, B is a proper paragraph.
Also, while A has 66 words, B only has 48.
Various techniques have been used to make text B more concise and cohesive than A:

Sentences A1 and A2 (which have the same subject) are combined to form B1 using the linking
word and.
Sentences A3 and A4 are combined to form B2, using a comma and the linking word although.
This word is used to contrast one idea with another.
The object from sentence A3 has been deleted because it already appears as the subject of B1.
Lastly, this style of music replaces heavy metal music. This is not more concise, but again it
avoids repetition.

NB The reference (Paul, 1998) refers to all the ideas and information in sentence B1. Similarly, the
reference (Davis, 2009) refers to all the ideas and information in sentence B2.
Task B
Possible answer:
Tests were conducted using an advanced driving simulator; subjects drove around a virtual suburban
area adhering to normal UK traffic rules. Those who were played heavy metal music drove an average
of 11mph above the average speed limit at any one time. A control group, who were not played any
music, drove an average of 4mph under it. Male drivers drove an average of 1.4 mph faster across all
tests than females; however, while listening to heavy metal music they drove an average of 2.3mph
faster (Davis, 2009).
By comparison, young men aged 1827 listening to heavy metal music drove at an average of 16mph
over the speed limit in the same tests. Furthermore, the same demographic had seven crashes while
listening to the music compared to just one for all the other subjects (Davis, 2009). A separate study
found that while 4% of a random sample of drivers in Minnesota had been involved in a crash within
the previous two years, with males aged 1823 the figure was 21% (Lyons 2003).
NB The verb used with A control group has changed from singular to plural as the use of the relative
pronoun who indicates that they are being thought of as several people rather than just one group.
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