Simple Secrets for

Building Self-Esteem
and
Finding Your True Self

By
Suzanne E. Harrill, M.Ed.

All rights reserved,

COPYRIGHT 2011 Suzanne E. Harrill
Innerworks Publishing
167 Glengarry Pl.
Castle Rock, CO 80108
Cover design by Garrett Purchio
Book layout by Kelly harding, www.ellyhardingdesign.com
Printed by Access Laserpress, Inc.
Editing by Marcelle Charrois
Inspired by the Messenger Mini-Books program.
www.MessengerMiniBooks.com
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any
electronic or mechanical means including information storage
and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the
publisher. The only exception is by a reviewer, who may quote
short excerpts in a review or for teaching purposes.

First Printing: January 2011

ISBN 978-1-883648-33-6

This book is dedicated to my

grandchildren
Joshua Allen Johnson
Samantha Grace Shuemake
Dylan Daniel Shuemake
Jordan Herschel Johnson
And all I do not know yet

High self-esteem is a quiet, comfortable

feeling of acceptance and love for yourself
as you are. It is respecting yourself while
honestly seeing your good and not-so-good
qualities.
Sound self-esteem is characterized by
congruence between inner states (beliefs,
feelings, attitudes) and outer states
(behaviors, relationships, health). It is being
your true Self.
"I am the person I spend the most time
with, so its important to know myself inside
and out. Its not selfish to spend time
learning to know who I am. I take the time
to discover what my thoughts, beliefs,
feelings, values, goals, and needs are.
When I know myself, I avoid being
manipulated by others or by life's
circumstances. I prepare myself by knowing
myself well."
Suzanne E. Harrill, Seed Thoughts for
Loving Yourself Cultivating the Garden of
Your Mind Day by Day

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Table of Contents
Introduction
Theme: Deep Inside of You
Part One: Getting Started
Part Two: The Harrill Self-Esteem
Awareness Inventory
Part Three: Eight Ways to Improve
Your Self-Esteem
Part Four: Affirmations
Part Five: Why Are You Here?
Summary
Bio of Suzanne E. Harrill

Introduction
My intention for writing this brief book is
to share a powerful path for improving your
life. It begins with building a solid
foundation of sound self-esteem and
continuing the inner work of finding and
reconnecting to your true Self. I have been
blessed with teachers who showed me the
way to my true nature when I was ready to
move beyond the conditioning of my early
life. Many of these powerful teachers were
never met in person; instead, I read their
books and listened to their CDs. My choice
of a counseling career led me further on my
path of self-discovery. I learned as much
from my clients as they learned from me, as
we are all teachers to one another. Many
people I worked with were able to move
beyond many emotional issues and thinking
patterns that held them back. Most put into
practice the secrets in this book.
As a baby and young child we only
know ourselves through the reflection of our
caregivers. Our self-esteem is influenced

greatly from their words, moods, feelings,

beliefs, actions, and how they treated
themselves. For many of us, our selfesteem suffered from the effects of
unaware adults.
Now is the time to take responsibility for
your own life and well-being. There are
several major shifts in awareness that you
must make, as I did. One is to move your
center of power from an external locus of
control to an internal one. You will learn to
stop being a victim and being hurt by
circumstances and other peoples moods.
Your new focus within will help build your
self-esteem and increase your ability to
respond rather than react to people and
events in your life. This inner-strength will
carry you far. When you forget and get
caught up in not liking what another says,
thinks, or does, or you resist what is
happening in your outer world, you will be
able to re-center yourself and disengage
from the drama and dysfunction you see.
Another shift in awareness will be to
open your mind to new ideas and explore
greater truths. Much of what you have been

taught may no longer be serving you, and

many of your thoughts and beliefs may
need some updating.
You will not only open your mind to new
ideas and change your restrictive thinking,
you will also be opening your heart as well.
This allows your true nature to come forth.
As you peel away much of the negative
conditioning (healing and transforming is a
process that never ends) you will find your
innate worth and goodness; and learn to
love yourself unconditionally. This you will
then easily pass on to others.
This simple book is a road map to
feeling good and finding a fuller place of
living. It will help you express your creative
potential, have rich, meaningful
relationships, and make a difference with
your life.
It brings me great joy to share these
simple secrets to unconditionally loving and
accepting yourself and living your life as a
reflection of your true Self.
Fortunate blessings,
Suzanne

Theme: Deep Inside

Deep inside of you is the seed of your
true Self. This seed holds the blueprint for
who you are a loving, joy-filled, creative
human being, experiencing rich, meaningful
relationships and living with deep purpose.
The true Self is hidden by the ego or
personality of the conditioned self, which is
influenced by the beliefs and behaviors of
your parents, extended family, and the
community in which you grew up. Learning
these patterns during your early years was
necessary to live successfully at the time;
however, some of your thinking and
behavioral patterns may be negatively
influencing you today. Many unaware
parents pass on low self-esteem, which
affects a childs emotional development. It
hinders their ability to access their innate
goodness, truth, and beauty.
Loving yourself is the foundation of
your life and influences everything you
think, say, and do. Building Self-esteem will
lead you back to who you already are: a

beautiful divine being of pure

consciousness, who is innately good,
loving, and creative. The following acorn
analogy summarizes your journey.

The Harrill Acorn Analogy

Deep inside you know how to be you, just
as an acorn knows how to be a mighty oak.
The acorn does the best it can do at each
stage of growth along its life-path.
Even if the early start was less than perfect
the eager oak accelerates its desire to grow
every time that it has nurturing from nature:
sunlight, rainwater, and soil nutrients.
YOU are like the acorn, doing your best
under the conditions in which
you are growing.
Nurture yourself with awareness,
acceptance, love, and self-respect, then
watch you grow into your true Self!

How I Wrote The Acorn

Analogy
It is an interesting story how The Acorn
Analogy appeared in my life. Many years
ago, when my youngest daughter was four
years old, I would meditate for a few
minutes before picking her up from
preschool. I was asked to present two
teacher in-service trainings that year.
During one of my meditations I had a
significant vision where I saw myself
handing out real acorns to the teachers and
explaining the ideas summarized in the
analogy. I viewed myself saying, We each
are like acorns with the seed of potential of
our individual Self inside. We are doing our
best at each stage of growth along our life
path with the conditions in which we were
born. If the early start was less than perfect,
it does not stop the acorn from growing into
its full stature. It is never too late for us to
grow and become who we were created to
be. As we learn to nurture ourselves and

discover our true nature, we grow into the

best we are capable of becoming.
I went to the first training with my
acorns, which my daughter enthusiastically
helped me find, but did not hand them out.
Why? Because I listened to my negative
self-talk which stopped me.
My higher Self did not give up though.
Guess what happened next? Right before
the second presentation, I had the same
exact vision of giving out the acorns. I
looked up and said, I get it. Ill hand them
out. Thats when I wrote down the analogy.
Eventually I realized the Acorn Analogy is
the theme of my teachings.
Acorns are a great symbol, reminding
us that within each of us is our full potential,
true Self, waiting for self-nurturing to grow
and actualize.
The next time you are out walking in an
area with oak trees, pick up an acorn and
place it in your kitchen window or on your
dresser. Put it in your pocket when you
need a boost of support. The acorn will
remind you of the beauty and perfection of
your true being deep inside.

Part One: Getting Started

What is Self-Esteem?
Definition: Self-Esteem, on a subtle and
often unconscious level, is an emotion, how
warm and loving you actually feel toward
yourself, based on your individual sense of
personal worth and importance. It is how
you feel about yourself.
L.S. Barksdale, Building Self-Esteem

Early Teacher
L.S. Barksdale was one of my early
teachers. In 1979 my husbands job
transfer took us to Thibodaux, Louisiana. I
applied to teach at a small college there,
Nichols State University, and was hired.
Barksdales book was part of the students
curriculum. I needed his teachings to
improve the quality of my own life, as well. I
am grateful for his contribution to my selfdiscovery journey.

Qualities of Low and

High Self-Esteem
It is helpful to become familiar with
characteristics of low and high self-esteem
so you can recognize them in yourself. You
can see what is working well and what
needs attention to heal. It is very common
to have some aspects of low self-esteem,
even when you are self-actualizing and
doing well in other areas of your life. I have
been working with this information for over
thirty years now and still get pulled down,
even if for a short time, by my self-critical,
judgmental voice. I then have to practice
exactly the same techniques I will be
sharing with you.
A clue that tells you that someone is
suffering from low self-esteem is that they
usually have observable extremes in
behaviors, feelings, thoughts, and words.
Notice this as you read the following list of
characteristics. Add some of your own.
Many people start making positive shifts in
their thinking and behaving simply by

reading this list because it builds

awareness.

Low Self-Esteem

Needing validation from outside self to

feel good.
Self-blame, doubt, and criticism or
constant putting others down with guilt,
blame, shame, fault-finding, and
gossip.
Over or under-achieving, eating,
working, doing, etc.
Remaining a victim; rationalizing that
outside circumstances cause ones
problems and believing you have no
power to make things better.
Not taking responsibility for your own
life; turning power over to another to
make decisions for you, then feeling
victimized if the results are not to your
liking.
Taking undue responsibility for the lives
of others; dominating others and
making decisions for them.

Fear of change and reluctance to take

risks, or frequently making changes
without much thought, or taking
dangerous, unwise risks.
Constant negativity or being so
optimistic that reality is denied.
Reacting to others with extreme
emotion or no emotion.
Boastful, overbearing behavior around
others, or inability to maintain integrity
during interaction with others.
Demanding to be right, needing to
have agreement or have your own way
most of the time, or constantly
acquiescing to the will and opinions of
others.
Constantly comparing self to others;
feeling inferior or superior.
Black-white, either or thinking, e.g.,
either a person is good or is bad, or
bad behavior makes a person bad and
unworthy, whereas good behavior
makes a person good and of more
value.

Living from a place of fear, terror, or

panic.
Speaking with lots of shoulds, oughts,
could haves, and yes buts.
Interpreting the hurtful words or actions
of others as proof of your unworthiness.
Substance abuse and addiction.
Feelings of self-worth fluctuate
depending on outside events.
Feeling powerless to overcome
negative habits and compulsions.

Now let us contrast this with high selfesteem, which is a quiet comfortable place
of self-acceptance and love for yourself as
you are. A clue that someone has a healthy
sense of self-esteem is that they lead a
balanced life, are actualizing their potential,
take good care of themselves on many
levels, and relate well to others.
Remember, as you read the following list,
that there are no perfect people. Even a
person with high self-esteem can possess
degrees of the qualities listed for low selfesteem, and there is always room to grow

and improve. When life throws us a curve

ball, the more sound our self-esteem, the
faster we can pick ourselves up and get
back on track.

High Self-Esteem

Having an internal locus of control,

getting okayness from within.
Taking care of Self physically,
emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
Managing your life responsibly.
Honoring individual differences among
people.
Listening to other points of view.
Learning from mistakes and being able
to say, I made a mistake, Im sorry.
Taking responsibility for your own
perceptions and reactions; not
projecting your own issues onto others.
Ability to listen to your wise inner voice,
or intuition, and to act on this guidance.
Balancing being and doing.
Feeling warm and loving toward Self.
Having ability to give and receive love.

Remembering to honor yourself from

within and detach from the negative
comments and opinions of others.
Spending time with people who accept
and support you.
Taking responsibility for your own
perceptions, feelings, and reactions
and not projecting them onto others.
Growing in self-respect, selfconfidence, and self- acceptance.
Honestly assessing your strengths and
weaknesses without excessive pride or
shame.
Recognizing areas of yourself needing
improvement and areas needing
acceptance.
Growing in awareness and taking
positive risks.
Balancing activities with quiet, quality
time alone.
Accepting consequences of your
choices, thoughts, feelings, and
behaviors.

Recognizing negative self-talk and

changing it into a positive, supportive
voice.
Desiring to grow and improve.
Being a good communicator.
Being your own best friend.

How Do Many People Have A

Self-Esteem Problem and Not
Even Know It?
Some people with low self-esteem are
overachievers who believe that a high IQ,
physical beauty, winning at sports, or being
Number One assures emotional well-being.
They are often motivated by feelings of
inferiority that propel them to seek
validation of worth (their own and others) in
outer manifestations money, power, or
praise.
Other people make a practice of
devoting all of their time and energy to
family and friends and none to themselves.
Often they give for the wrong reasons, with

hidden agendas and expectations, such as,

to be loved, admired, or needed. Unfulfilled
people are secretly needy and give
conditionally.
Some believe that they can only be
loved by earning love and doing something
of value. They then evaluate their
worthiness based on what they do, not on
who they are.
Many base their self-worth on the
opinions of other people or on outside
indicators, like social status or swings in the
stock market. By turning power outside of
self, these people feel like victims without
personal power.
Some believe the hurtful words and
actions of family members who do not love
or respect themselves. People tend to treat
others as they treat themselves.
It is common to have been taught that it
is wrong to think about yourself. The
popular thinking is that it is egotistical,
selfish, prideful, and narcissistic. These are
actually traits of a person with low selfesteem. The truth is you cannot give to
another what you do not have yourself. So

build self-awareness and self-esteem. As

you heal yourself, you will pass love,
kindness, and tolerance on to others.

Four Things to Stop Doing

1. Stop comparing yourself. It lowers selfesteem if you feel better than or less
than anyone else. You are incomparable.
2. Stop value-judging yourself. It is helpful
to drop words, like should and ought
from your vocabulary. It is irrelevant what
you should do or should have done. It is
more important to ask yourself what you
are or are not willing to do. Then do it or
forget it.
3. Stop criticizing and putting yourself
down for mistakes, poor choices, or bad
behavior. You are not your behavior, but
the one who behaves. You can dislike a
behavior without disliking yourself. There is
a reason for negative behavior. When you
discover your hidden or competing needs,
you will improve your choices and actions.

Make a list of the traits you like about

yourself and read them to yourself each
day.
4. Stop waiting to accept yourself. That
perfect time in the future with the perfect
you does not exist. It is always right now,
so your power is in accepting yourself the
way you are today. This will free you to
achieve your goals for the joy of striving
and creating.

Part Two: The Harrill SelfEsteem Awareness

Inventory
Rate yourself on each with a scale of 0 to 4
based upon your current thoughts, feelings, and
behaviors: 0 = I never think, feel, or behave this
way. 1 = I do less than half the time. 2 = I do
50% of the time. 3 = I do more than half the
time. 4 = I always think, feel, or behave this way.

Score

Self-Esteem Statements

_____1. I like and accept myself as I am

right now, today, even as I grow and
evolve.
_____2. I am worthy simply for who I am,
not what I do. I do not have to earn my
worthiness.
_____3. I get my needs met before
meeting the wants of others. I balance my
needs with those of my partner and family.
_____4. I easily release negative feelings
from others judgments and focus instead
on living my life with integrity and to the

best of my abilities.
_____5. I always tell myself the truth about
what I am feeling.
_____6. I am incomparable and stop
comparing myself with other people.
_____7. I feel of equal value to other
people, regardless of my performance,
looks, IQ, achievements, or possessions.
_____8. I am my own authority. I make
decisions with the intention of furthering my
own and others best interests.
_____9. I learn and grow from my
mistakes rather than deny them or use
them to confirm my unworthiness.
____10. I stop my critical self-talk and
replace it with a nurturing, kind,
encouraging voice.
____11. I love, respect, and honor myself.
____12. I am not responsible for anyone
elses actions, needs, choices, thoughts,
moods, or feelings, only for my own.
____13. I do not dominate others or allow
others to dominate me.
____14. I have good physical and
emotional boundaries with others.
____15. I feel my own feelings and think

my own thoughts, even when those around

me think or feel differently.
____16. I stop using shoulds and
oughts, which are value judgments that
put me or another down. (It is irrelevant
what I should have done or should do. It is
more important to know what I am willing to
do and not do.)
____17. I am responsible for changing
what I do not like in my life. I face my
problems, fears, and insecurities and take
appropriate steps to heal and grow.
____18. I am a person of my word and
follow through on the things I commit to do.
____19. I forgive myself and others for
making mistakes and being unaware.
____20. I believe my life counts. I find
meaning and have purpose in my life.
____21. I deserve love and happiness
even when others blame or criticize me, for
I cannot control what others think about me.
____22. I take care of myself on all levels:
physical, social, emotional, mental, and
spiritual.
____23. I spend quality time with myself on
a regular basis.

____24. I release unreal expectations for

myself and others.
____25. I choose to love and respect all
human beings regardless of their beliefs
and actions, whether or not I have a
personal relationship with them.
This is not a test. Neither is it a
precise measure of self-esteem. Its
purpose is to identify beliefs affecting selfesteem that may need modifying. Place no
judgments on your score. Consider taking
the inventory every six months to gauge
your progress. Low numbers indicate
beliefs and patterns that may be blocking
you from loving, accepting, and feeling
good about yourself.
Each of these statements presents a
wonderful daily reflection opportunity. A
good way to stay tuned in and tuned up
is to take one statement a day, like a
vitamin for your mind, to ponder its special
meaning for you.
Each statement can be used as an
affirmation to heal limiting beliefs.
Repeating each statement to yourself often,

even out loud, helps you change how you

feel.
Use this inventory to help you
understand other people, too. Recognizing
that someone has a self-esteem problem
makes it easier to have compassion and
practice forgiveness.
This inventory is patterned after two
inventories that L.S. Barksdale created in
the early 1970s. Some of you may want to
track down his work.

Unconscious Patterns Still Catch

Me Off Guard
Even when all the above statements
are true for you and for the most part
operating well in your life, unconscious
patterns can still catch you off guard.
Expanded awareness more easily allows
you to see unhealed issues and where
some fine-tuning is needed.
Let me give an illustration from my life.
One of my secrets is that I can easily lose
my power and become passive if someone

is negative, critical, or verbally rude towards

me. Because I do not come from that
intention, I can easily deny that anything
negative is going on. Yet, I experience
many bodily sensations, such as a knot in
my stomach, a racing heartbeat, or a
feeling that I want to hide and be by myself.
I now know to pay attention to these
bodily sensations because they give me
clues that something is off. I need to
spend time alone to figure out what is going
on below the surface of my awareness. I
usually journal-write to see what flows out
of me, then I begin talking to myself and
correcting faulty thinking that I identify.
Later, I may make a choice to confront
someone or it may simply be enough to
know that I am working on changing my
passive reactions and will do it differently
the next time it arises.

Part Three: Eight Ways to

Improve Self-Esteem
and to Know Yourself
It takes a life-style change to heal and
grow in a new direction. Following are eight
ways to build self-esteem and to find your
true Self. Practice self-inquiry often as you
do the inner work necessary to grow in selfawareness. The more you know yourself,
the easier it is to make wise choices for
yourself, solve your problems, and get
along with others.
1. Spend Quality Time with Yourself
alone each day to get to know your inner
Self. Reflection time is time to think, read,
journal write, contemplate, meditate, pray,
or listen to your intuition - the quiet, still
voice within.
2. Keep a Journal. Writing is a good way
to get to know yourself, solve your
problems, lower your stress level, and
balance yourself emotionally. If you have

never written before, try writing your

thoughts, feelings, and reactions to people
and situations for 20 minutes a day. Writing
helps you clarify your thoughts, feelings,
needs, wants, visions, values, issues, and
priorities. It keeps track of your insights and
helps you communicate better with others.
Following are questions to get you started. I
know from experience that some of you will
choose not to journal-write. There is no
case for alarm, simply take the time to
ponder your answers. The goal is selfawareness.
A. Write a letter to someone you are
angry with or who has hurt you. Get
your feelings out. This letter is not
to be sent.
B. List things you are proud of and
things you like about yourself.
C. Discuss three of your goals and the
steps you see necessary to
achieve them.
D. Who were the people and
situations that influenced your self-

esteem, both positively and

negatively?
E. What are the major themes in your
life? What lessons have you
learned so far? What do you still
need to learn?
F. Write your autobiography,
emphasizing significant emotional
events. Write about ways your past
prepared you for your future. How
did some situations impact you to
become an expert in certain ways
today?
3. Change Your Negative Self-Talk.
Everyone has a voice inside her/his mind
that continually comments. Where does
negative self-talk come from? Very often it
originates in childhood, when the potentially
damaging words of parents, peers,
teachers and others are internalized. Those
hurtful words can remain alive in your mind,
influencing everything you do and create in
life. Unfortunately, as long as a part of you
believes the words, you'll feel unworthy of
love, good relationships, developing your

talents, experiencing success, or receiving

more joy and fulfillment from life.
The negative, critical, hurtful comments
within your mind need to be changed.
Begin listening to the things you say to
yourself and then talk back to your negative
self-talk with the truth. Speed up the
process by saying positive affirmations
such as, I like myself and am a worthwhile
person, I forgive myself for not
knowing/being/ doingO, I deserve love,
inner peace, and fulfillment.
4. Address Your Issues. Read self-help
books and listen to CDs on topics that help
you understand and heal your issues, begin
psychotherapy, or take workshops.
5. Visualize with Feeling to Create What
You Want. Manifest faster results by
picturing what you want and by feeling
deeply that the results are already true. Add
more power by saying affirmations.
Following is an example of how to build
confidence in a new situation.

Picture yourself happy and content

doing something you like to do. Pay
attention to how this makes you feel. Now
picture something that is a risk for you, like
making a new friend, applying for a job, or
speaking in front of a group. See yourself
doing a good job and experiencing the
results you want. Override the fearful
feelings with those you remember from
doing something you like to do. Say to
yourself as you are visualizing, I am
courageous and will not give up. I act in
spite of my fears. Step by step my courage
grows deeper and stronger. I explore what
is possible without hesitation.
See yourself standing tall, making eye
contact, and feeling at ease. Feel confident
as the outcome unfolds, letting go of forcing
or controlling results. See yourself smiling
and feeling peaceful and relaxed and truly
okay with the process and the results. See
and feel the result is already true, now.
6. Practice Self-Care. Nurture yourself on
all levels, physically, emotionally, mentally,

and spiritually. Following are some ways to

get your needs met by nurturing yourself.

Ways to Nurture Yourself

Physical ways to nurture yourself: go for
a walk; get eight hours of sleep; eat
nutritiously; take a hot bath; buy flowers; go
outside, get sun on your skin, especially
during winter; stretch; drink water; sing;
deep-breathe.
Emotional ways to nurture yourself: talk
to a friend or loved one; ask yourself what
you presently need and want; honor your
cycles of high and low energy; express your
feelings - cry if you are sad, laugh if joyful;
journal-write; listen to music; spend alone
time for self-inquiry; cuddle your dog or cat.
Mental ways to nurture yourself: talk
kindly to yourself; update some guiding
beliefs; say affirmations; read; watch a
DVD; listen to your body; listen to a selfhelp CD; stay fully present during your
experiences today; set an intention for the

day; take one step toward solving one

issue; organize your files.
Spiritual ways to nurture yourself: read
from a favorite spiritual book; meditate;
pray; talk to God; go outside and look at the
beauty in nature; light candles; do yoga; sit
in silence in your private space with
mementos, and books; walk in silence.
7. Build a Support System. If you are the
only one in your family system and circle of
friends who is awakening, it can be
challenging. Others do not understand the
changes we are making and that selfinquiry is even a good thing. You deserve
to have at least one person to talk to who
accepts you without judging you. Consider
joining a group or class to meet new
people.
8. Revise Your Limiting Beliefs. Your
beliefs are rules that guide your life,
frequently at a deep, unconscious level.
Whatever you believe to be true sets your
life in motion, and it is true for you, even if

some of the beliefs are false and no longer

serving you. Following are some examples
to illustrate how to change faulty thinking.
A. I never voice my opinion because it
might make someone angry.
Revision: I value my opinions and express
my point of view when I choose, regardless
of other peoples reactions.
B. I must be totally competent and almost
perfect in all that I undertake. Mistakes are
shameful and to be avoided at all costs.
Revision: My value as a person is not
based on what I do. I do my best, correct
my mistakes, make amends when
necessary, and learn from them.
C. I am bad if I act badly.
Revision: I am a good person whether I
have good or bad behavior. I uncover my
needs to see what is motivating me.
D. It is selfish to spend time on myself or to
expect my needs to be addressed.

Revision: The more I know myself the

better I am able to find healthy ways to get
my needs met. I can easily give when I am
well nourished within. I am a caring person
and selfish sometimes.
E. My fear of rejection determines what I
say and do.
Revision: I say and do what is right for
me. If you reject me, that is your choice.
F. I feel insecure when a loved one is
emotionally distant.
Revision: I am strong within and know
now that when another withdraws it is not
about me, but how much in pain the other
is.
G. I am uncaring if I put my needs first.
Revision: I am a caring, responsive, and
giving person who sometimes chooses to
put myself first.
H. I can only have what I need and not
what I want.

Revision: I have what I need so I can

create what I want.
I. I like to help when a loved one makes
poor choices or has unacceptable behavior,
so I get involved to help solve their
problems.
Revision: I help others when it truly serves
them. I release the need to be needed and
remember to focus on my own life. I am
learning to set boundaries on my giving,
learning to identify and manage my
feelings, and learning to let go of needing to
feel safe by controlling others.
J. I will never forgive my parents for hurting
me when I was young.
Revision: I ask my Higher Self or God to
forgive my parents through me. I now know
they were unaware and also victims of
abuse. I forgive and let go to be free. I
choose to release myself from keeping the
pain going.

Part Four: Affirmations

A powerful tool to override negative
self-talk and limiting guiding beliefs is to say
affirmations to yourself often. Affirmations
are positive, true statements that, when
repeated over and over with deep feeling,
re-pattern your subconscious mind.
Following are some helpful affirmations
that build self-esteem. After each is some
information to use as food for thought to
ponder each concept.
I unconditionally love myself.
Expect no one to unconditionally love
you. You must learn to do it for yourself
by connecting to the spiritual essence
within.
I am my own authority.
When you are willing to pay the
consequences of your choices, both
positive and negative, you become

responsible for yourself. Notice that you

pay the consequences anyway, so why
turn your power over to another?
I am accepting of myself when I make
mistakes.
It is okay to make mistakes. All humans
do. That is how you learn and grow.
Forgiveness is important to move past
the critical self-talk.
I connect with my inner, spiritual
essence to feel good.
Sound self-esteem is not based upon
your outer appearances. It is a
conscious expression on the outside of
who you are on the inside. Get to know
your inner spiritual Self. Begin with
meditation and prayer.
I set appropriate boundaries for myself.
It is okay to say NO. Some
experiences are not healthy for you.

I am responsible for my own life.

No one else is to blame or to be given
credit for who and what you are. You
have the power to create your life the
way you want it to be. Awareness and
risk-taking are keys.
I am healing the pain and fear from my
past.
A difficult childhood does not have to
cripple you for life. You can heal your
wounded inner child by loving and
nurturing yourself. Understanding
yourself and taking risks empowers you
to break free of negative patterns.
Remember, you are much more than
your conditioned past.
I allow people and events to trigger
me in order to make peace with the past
and become more self-aware.

Emotional reactions are bigger than the

person or event triggering you. A
reactive pattern of emotions and/or
actions results from many similar hurtful
instances from the past. Examining
emotional reactions and thought
patterns allows you to stay in the now,
freeing yourself from the past. It is
healthy to be responsive rather than
reactive. Self-awareness empowers
your choices.
I give from my overflow.
You are only capable of giving to the
degree that you are filled up. It is
important to meet many of your needs.
A well nourished Self has much to give
and without hidden agendas or
expectations of a return.
I give up being an emotional victim.
You have a part to play when you feel
hurt. As you let go of unrealistic
expectations and accept what cannot

be changed, you will no longer set

yourself up. Work on yourself. As you
change, others will change in your
presence.
I accept and allow myself to feel.
Feelings are not right or wrong; they
simply are. They give feedback about
what is going on within you. As you
learn to put your feelings into words, it
will help you identify the thoughts
behind the feelings. Changing your
thoughts and beliefs eventually
changes how you feel.
I am doing my best at each moment with
my present level of awareness.
Your best includes looking at all
aspects of yourself physical,
emotional, mental, social, and spiritual.
Go easy on yourself when you make a
mistake, stumble and fall, or you cannot
maintain or repeat a behavior or level of
achievement. There is much going on

below the surface of your conscious

awareness.
I separate my behavior from the inner
me.
You are good even if you do not like
some of your actions. All behavior
makes sense when you look below the
surface to see what needs are
motivating you. When you criticize
yourself, pause and ask yourself what
you need that you are not getting. As
you unravel competing needs and
discover your real needs it will move
you to a deeper appreciation of
yourself. As you meet most of your
needs in healthy ways, your behavior
changes to be in alignment with your
true Self.
I expand my awareness and
understanding of myself so that I will
have greater free will.

You make wiser choices when you

become a self-aware person. It is
imperative to know your real needs,
wishes, values, goals, guiding beliefs,
and desires.
I set realistic goals and expectations for
myself.
Goals and expectations need to be
right for you in order to manifest them.
It is helpful to continually evaluate,
adjust, and prioritize your goals as you
change and grow. Standards set too
low or too high lower your good
feelings.
I communicate with an intention of being
authentic and genuine.
Others may perceive even your good
intentions as negative. You know the
truth of your intentions.
I learn from all people and see aspects
of myself in each. They are my mirrors.

We all are capable of good and bad

actions, thoughts, and feelings. Learn
from everyone and stop judging. You
can only see in others what exists as a
potential within yourself. Emulate the
people who reflect your goodness, love,
truth, and beauty.
I let go of expecting everyone to like and
support me.
Some people may never like you.
Family members and close friends may
stop giving emotional support when you
begin taking good care of yourself and
being your True Self.
I accept everyone wherever they are in
their level of awareness.
Acceptance does not mean you have to
be around someone who hurts you
because he or she is unaware, fearful
or wounded. It simply means
understanding them with compassion.

Now go back and choose an affirmation

that does not feel true for you yet. Repeat
the affirmation often until you really feel it.
Write the affirmation on an index card and
place it where you will see it often.
Consider journaling about your negative
self-talk that reacts to this affirmation. Talk
back to this negative voice with your higher
truth. Create new affirmations.
One that I still work on is: I let go of
expecting everyone to like and support
me. It still hurts sometimes when another is
critical, rude, or rejects me or my ideas. I
continue growing in my ability to accept
myself and others unconditionally and to let
go of what others think about me.

Part Five:
Why Are You Here?
Are you in touch with your guiding
purpose and doing what you came here to
do? If not, you will feel a void in your life,
even if you gain much outer world success.
Once you are on the self-discovery path
and have a sound degree of self-esteem
and awareness, your consciousness
nudges you forward to fulfill your purpose.
That is if you pay attention.
You were born to fulfill a mission that is
unique to you. Do you have a hunch what it
might be? If not, begin asking yourself
questions, such as, What really sparks my
interest? What do I daydream about doing?
Why am I here? How am I to make a
difference with my life? What talents do I
have that I could share?
Maybe you are called to be a great
mother or grandfather, to bring beauty into
expression through gardening, music, or
art. It may be to write a book or work with
at-risk teens. Your spiritual assignment

makes you feel excited, inspired, and

passionate. When you make a contribution
to anothers well-being or to make the world
a better place, you reap great rewards.
I will share a little about my life and how
I uncovered my purposes; you can have
several main agendas by the way. Looking
back it is much easier to see the path I was
guided to take by my souls intentions. My
choices, desires, and inner promptings
moved me in specific directions that at the
time seemed insignificant. For one, at a
very young age I wanted to be a mother
and a teacher. My mother had twins when I
was less than three years old which
delighted me even at that young age. I am
happy to say that today I am a mother and
a grandmother, both are extremely fulfilling
to me. I also took a career path to become
a teacher. The school system did not attract
me for long, however. I eventually realized
that I am a teacher in a much larger setting
the school of life.
It is unusual to be overly interested in
your purpose when in your 20s and 30s

because of going about the business of

doing life careers, relationships, families.
I, on the other hand, was actively
seeking the meaning of my life and wanted
to know my purpose while in my 20s.
Answers were given to me; however, it was
not until I was older that the information
made much sense or that I felt the passion
to express my purpose. Timing is important
in living your life and fulfilling your missions.
You can get answers when you ask. Yet,
the time to actualize them depends on
many things, such as maturity level, ability
to assimilate and integrate experiences,
and degree of understanding the language
of the soul, which is intuition. Your life path
is like a hooked rug being created. Each
color and pattern begins to make sense
and fit the overall scheme when the rug is
nearing completion. To understand the
theme when only a small portion of the rug
is hooked is premature.
Because I was so determined in my
exploration of self and my inner healing, I
found a general overview of my life purpose
early, at the age of 30. At that time I did not

have enough awareness from assimilating

my life experiences or the maturity to take
this spiritual purpose seriously, or to even
understand it as I do today. The theme of
my life, I discovered, is so simple that I
almost did not get it.
I went to a self-discovery workshop
where the teacher facilitated a guided
meditation to meet our spiritual essence or
soul. One of the questions she encouraged
us to ask was, What is your spiritual
purpose? After the meditation, I wrote
down the information given to me. It was
simply to teach what I know and to ask
others questions. I was not impressed, and
I put the paper away for many years,
thinking that it was not much of a purpose.
When the time was right, I found that paper
again and had a much better grasp of its
meaning. At this later point in time I was
living my life by teaching what I know and
asking questions. I was giving talks and
workshops and was a counselor in private
practice. I smiled when I read about my
purpose because I was doing exactly that,

teaching others what I know and asking

questions.
About six years later, I had a powerful
dream that further catapulted me along.
Some of my friends were going on a
weekend retreat with a Guru. I wanted to
go, however the timing was not right. My
purpose as a wife and mother were pulling
me stronger at that time. A weekend away
was not in the cards.
To my pleasant surprise I had a
powerful dream the next night that showed
me that I really did not have to go to the
workshop to receive a blessing from this
Guru. I remember in the dream humbly
walking up to the teacher and asking her
what my purpose was. She smiled, bowed
her head, looked up and said, It is writing.
I remember distinctly my reaction,
which was similar to the reaction I had to
the earlier meditation six years previously.
My thought while experiencing the dream
was Writing? I dont want that to be my
purpose. At that time I had written maybe
two articles for a local paper and felt very
incompetent as a writer. It was a lot of work

for me to write those two articles. I could

not believe at the time that writing could
possibly be on my spiritual agenda.
Again, I smile now as I look back. It
makes perfect sense to me now. I am
aware now that I had the grace to find my
spiritual purpose early so it would be in the
back of my mind as I was building my
confidence, my self-esteem, my
awareness, and my patience. Even though
I did not have the maturity to understand
either experience fully, I pondered them
many times and remembered them when I
needed the courage to step forward on my
path.
If you have done a fair amount of inner
work and are ready to discover your
mission, the following life purpose inventory
can spark your thinking and your intuition.
Journal-write about your answers. Again,
some of you may choose to simply sit and
ponder your answers.

The Harrill Life Purpose Inventory

1. What goals would you pursue if you
knew you would succeed?
2. List your talents, interests, and gifts
(you may or may not be using them).
Write about one that you would like to
nurture.
3. What are things you love to do when
you have the time?
4. What are things you see others doing or
wish you could do if time, education,
and money were not issues?
5. Write about the most significant
religious or spiritual experience you
have had.
6. What do you think or feel would make
your family, community, or the world a
better place? What part might you play
to bring this about?
7. Discuss the major emotional events,
traumas, or challenges that have
influenced or shaped your life. Write
about any that tug at your
consciousness and might motivate you
to get involved in making changes in

the world, in the awareness of others,

or to help others with similar problems.
8. Write the most exciting future you can
think of for yourself.
9. Who do you respect, admire, and wish
to emulate? Explain. Write about the
possibilities of doing some of the same
things accomplished by those you
admire.
10. List the lessons you feel you have
learned so far in life. Write about the
ones that are still in process. (Clue:
where or with who are you in conflict or
dissatisfied?)
11. What might you have to teach others
working through similar issues as
yourself?
12. What do others say when they
compliment you? Use your imagination
and explore how these complimentary
traits could be used in a greater way.
13. What childhood memories are themes
in the patterns that you repeat in your
adult life? Explain how some of these
may be motivators to help you heal

yourself and then model your process

for others.
14. Meditate, asking a spiritual teacher,
guide, guardian angel, or wise person
to give you insights about your spiritual
purpose. See, hear, or feel answers
that come easily from this guidance
regarding yourself or your life purpose.
Write about this.
15. Sit quietly and allow anything else that
your unconscious wants to express to
flow onto your paper.

Summary
Happiness, self-empowerment,
satisfaction in work, good relationships, and
success are all built upon a solid foundation
of healthy self-esteem and knowing your
true Self. Love, respect, forgiveness, and
tolerance for yourself and all others are
valued. Healthy self-esteem is based on an
internal frame of reference, or locus of
control, for loving and accepting Self rather
than the external (relying on what other
people say or do).
May you gift yourself with the inner
work necessary to heal and transform. As
you examine your life, self-inquiry and living
from an internal locus of control will
become second nature. They are secrets to
becoming Self-aware.
As you fulfill your mission and express
your gifts, you will arrive at a deep level of
contentment and deep peace with your life.
Practice these simple secrets to move
to an empowered place in consciousness
where you live your life as a reflection of
your true Self.

Suzanne E. Harrill, M.Ed., LPC, is committed

to communication and caring. She has been
inspiring people for over 30 years to love and
accept themselves while discovering their
spiritual essence. A natural teacher who lives
her truth, Suzanne encourages self-inquiry and
inner work to overcome past conditioning in
order to create a rich life with deep meaning and
purpose. By knowing Self, one is empowered to
heal limiting patterns and beliefs to build a solid
foundation of self-esteem, to create rich,
satisfying relationships, and to live with spiritual
purpose.
Suzanne has been married since 1966, has
three grown daughters, and is a joyful
grandmother. She likes to walk, practice yoga,
travel, and is an artist.
Visit Suzannes website to see her other books,
e-books, and lots of free articles. Sign up for her
free, on-line newsletter to spark the inner
journey. Consider writing an article!
Suzanne would love to speak to your group and
is available via the website listed below for
individual telephone coaching sessions.
www.InnerworksPublishing.com

Final Thoughts
Go at your own pace when making
changes in awareness.
After reading this book, choose one or two
things at a time to focus upon. Keep adding
more of the suggestions as you incorporate
the information in your life.

Final Affirmations
I am a worthy and precious being, an
expression of my true Self.
The next step in the greater plan for my life
is unfolding much like a rosebud beginning
to bloom.
I accept with excitement the challenge and
responsibility of going to greater degrees of
awareness.

I spend quiet time alone daily to listen to

the greater wisdom within me and allow this
guidance to help me make wise choices
that support my growth.
I accept myself this moment, the way I am,
even if there are things about me I do not
like and want to change.
As I grow in awareness, I discover ways to
heal and release habits, traits, and patterns
of thinking and behaving that do not
support or reflect my true nature.
Inner peace grows daily as I forgive all
people and events that have wounded me,
including myself.
I embrace each day as I live my life with
ease, joy, awareness, and creativity.
I use my gifts and talents as I actualize my
purpose.
I love the being that is me My Self.

If You Like this Book

You Will Enjoy Other Books
by Suzanne E. Harrill
The Harrill Solution Secrets of Successful
Relationships Revealed
Seed Thoughts for Loving Yourself
Cultivating the Garden of Your Mind Day by
Day
Inner Fitness for Creating a Better You
Six Lessons for Building Greater
Awareness, High Self-Esteem, Good
Relationships, and Spiritual Meaning
Enlightening Cinderella Beyond the Prince
Charming Fantasy
Empowering You to Love Yourself
Empowering Teens to Build Self-Esteem

Order printed or e-book copies at:

www.InnerworksPublishing.com

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