Doctors and Patients

1. One day, a man and his pregnant wife went to the fertility doctor for a prenatal
examination. After an ultrasonic examination, the old doctor looked at one picture
carefully and said to the man seriously, This is not your baby. It was a shock to
the man. He was very angry because he thought that his wife had extramarital
relations which he didnt know. At that moment, the doctor changed to another
picture and said, That was not your baby, this one is.
2.
Farting All The Time
Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time.
Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't
hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you
back here for a hearing test."

Teachers and students

1. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus

five, that son of a bitch, is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch, is nine."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." " And this
is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he
answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning
addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus
two, that son of a bitch, is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she
answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH,
is four."
Teacher: How do you spell the word that starts with p, and is in your pants?
Student feels embarrassed.
Teacher: The answer is pockets.
Kids Are Quick
____________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ...
MARIA:
Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS:
Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:
You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:
K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN:
Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
________________________________ ____________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
Children

1.

We have new babies

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother
or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child.
The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he
stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of
that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

Forgetfulness
1. An 80 year old couple was having problems remembering things, so they decided
to go to their doctor
After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay
but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember
things.
Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife
asked, where are you going? He replied, To the kitchen.
She asked, Will you get me a bowl of ice cream? he replied, Sure.
He returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She said
angrily, You forgot my toast!
2. A 65-year-old woman gave birth to a baby boy.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her
relatives came to visit.
''May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for
awhile first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see
the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see
the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.
"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded to know why.
"Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"
"BECAUSE, I forgot where I put him!"

Marriage
1. A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago."The material we put
into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red
meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with
MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long term harm caused
by the germs in our drinking water.
"However there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will,
eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering
for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake!"
2. One time when I was home visiting my folks, my mom asked me to set the table for
dinner. I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a picture of a
lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.
"Mom, what's this?" I asked.
"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over-eat," she answered.
"Is it working?" I asked.
"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"
2.

Husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full
length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know, love" she says,
"I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs
are barely above my waist, my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my
arms are all flabby" She turns to her husband and says..... "Tell me something
positive to make me feel better about myself"

He thinks about it for a bit and then says ..."Well......there's nothing wrong with
your eyesight".
3.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

4. Fun With Love and Marriage

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y"
becomes silent.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your
mother-in-law better than I like mine."
The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for
dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've
experienced pain and bought jewelry.
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry
done.
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants
provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and
then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because
the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

 Cosmetics: A woman's way of keeping a man from reading between the lines.
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute
Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong
finger? Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still
alive."
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks
and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man
listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you
say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Marriage is a three ring circus:
engagement ring
wedding ring
suffering

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight
over to Joes place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her
a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work.
When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her
and told her how much he loved her. Once they were working on the deck, Bob told
Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife, Joe said that hed
started this about 6 months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldnt be
better. Bob thought hed give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive
hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears. Bob was
confused and asked why she was crying. She said, This is the worst day of my life.
First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine
broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!
Lawyers

1. An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor,
lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.
"I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that
theory," he said. "I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they
throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000
within."
The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave.
On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, "I must confess. I needed
$10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000." The doctor then said, "I
must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only
threw in $10,000."
The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, "Gentlemen, I'm
surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against
that man's final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount.
2. A doctor, an architect and an attorney were having a heated argument
concerning which of their professions was the oldest one.
The doctor said:
"Medicine is the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam
and created Eve. You can't go back further than that!"
The architect said:
"You're wrong! God was the first architect when he
created the world out of chaos in 7 days.
You can't go back any further than that!"
The lawyer laughed and said:
"Gentlemen, Gentlemen...
who do you think created the chaos?"
3. What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue.
And his son? Bill.