The Tale of Ole Salty

A Holy Text by the Prophet Jimlad (est. 2008)

1.

Ysee youngins, Ole Salty

was a one-armed, one-legged,
hobbling, one lazy-eyed
madman chicken herding
alchemist troll in the
mountains, 'n every once 'n
awhile he'd come into town
flaming and trolling all the
people he met with parables
of w0m0nz n rum n honey
n faith. Y'see, Ole Salty'd
been disfigured in a horrible
ramen making
accident
where he got a broomstick
shoved up his arse and used
his AP skills to transmute a
rock into nitroglycerin in
his arse.

2.

Y'see, there'd been some

young hooligans makin'a
troublez down at the general
store n Ole Salty just
happened to be walking by
one day n started flaming n
trollin' n scoldin' them for
bein trolls at poor Mr.
Jenkin's general store... he
then proceeded to transmute
their rums and weeds into
grapejuice and notes that said
"shhh, grownupz talking, stfu
and drink yo grapes juices
youngins"... *it was then that
one of the children stopped
the narrator and asked
something, the narrator

"shushed" him n said, "stfu

and drink your grape juices
byxtchvxz."
He
then
continued with the story...

3.

Now Ole Salty went on

into the store n bought a
pack ov ramen n some water
to boil it in, for he would
have a feast tonight on
basement
dweller/college
student staple food. Y'see, he
had to purchase the water
'cause there'd been a terrible
drought that year that was
causin the locals to lose
crops n die of thirst. Ole
Salty retains wauautauau
(water) due to his saltiness.

4.

The village erm, I

mean, towns pplz came to
Ole Salty saying, please,
please Ole Salty, save us! Use
yer alchemic pauauz to make
rain n save us from dis
hyeah
terrible
nyeah
droughtz. To which Ole
Salty
replied,
*insert
random bible passages and
trollz quotes here* (Really, I
mean it; add some of that
after youve finished the rest
of the story.)

5.

And so they sat and

listened to him troll on and
on and on and on about
w0m0nz n rum n honey n

faith
n
zeh
chambahllahzehz0rzehz0rzeh
z0rzehz0r (Shambalah) n
mountains n mountains n
mountains, then he went into
a long angry rant about
fucking Muslims n hipz, and
as the day drew on many
began to die of thirst while
listenin to Ole Salty, whilst
others still went mad and
began clawing at their flesh,
running
around
and
screaming *insert Ole Salty
quote here* n other things
Ole Saltyd said.

6. He

sat there n trolled at

them for 7 days and 7 nights
until finally he stopped,
spent. They asked him again,
and he thought they deserved
a little token ov rumz for
hearkening their dehydrated
asses to him. And so thus it
was that Ole Salty, the
madman alchemist who
herded chickens, looked at
them with his lazy eye n
said, Yea, verily are those
blessed who something,
something, blah blah blah

7. He

then spake and made

rain,
or
projected
n
manifested it outta zeh thin
clear air, and lo and behold,
there was rain, but it was
salty as a motherfucker.
Guess they didnt call em

Ole Salty for nothing. He

said, They dont call me Ole
Salty for nothing.

8.

And they would have

distilled it, but it had rained
and salty water had gotten all
over their wood and soaked
into it. And those who had
dry fuel did distill and drink.
And those who could not
wait drank the salty water
and went mad, running off to
die in the wilderness and/or
troll other poor towns and
villages just like mad Ole
Salty, to become the legends
and matter of songs for ages
to come in world n universe.
Now, Ole Salty had snatched
a bundle of dry firewood
with his hobbling leg and a
crutch under one arm and his
lazy multicolored eye. He
was asittin down in front of
ye ole general store when Mr.
Jenkinz came on out to
sweep the front deck. Now
ysee now, there was a group
o young hooliganz whod
been a trollin down at the
general store, n when Ole
Saltyd driven em off,
pwning them thoroughly
with his salty demeanor and
alchemic, majeekal, sidharr,
chicken herding arts, theyd
gone on over to throw rocks
at one another.

9. Now, it just so happened

that a few round stonesd
landed on the deck that poor
Mr. Jenkinz happened to be
sweepin. Nowa Ole Salty
got up n went over to hit
fire to check on his ramen
na see if it was aboilin yet,
n due to his only havin a
single arm n leg accidentially
swayed a bit too far n
touched the hot-as-fuck pot
he was acookin in. Now Ole
Salty jumped up at this to
avoid stumbling any further
forward. Now it just so
happened that at the same
time, poor Mr. Jenkins
happened to step on one
othem round stones n
slipped n fell, broom in
front of em, the broom
snapped n wenta flyin n
landed on one jagged end
(where itd snapped) in the
ground, standin up...

10. Now Id liketa draw yo

attention to the bandve
young hooligans throwin
rawkz at each other. Now it
just so happened (hope you
love that line) that one of the
rocks flew through the air
where Ole Salty wasa
jumpin back n got caught in
his flabby buttcheeks (lmao,
lmfao) Ole Salty had the
psipokesz
shield
that

transmuted all that he

touched n 2 whatevauaa he
thought about after a few
seconds.

11. Now

ysee youngins, the

heat
remindedm
ov
nitroglycerin. He landed on
the broomstick n the tip hit
the rock n it all got shoved
up his arse, but it was too
late. The rock was already
beginninga to change n
bam, nitroglycerin. But as it
wasa leakin out it ignited,
sendn Ole Salty off into the
sky like a bottle rocket thatd
been jammed into the
ground,
blue
flames
rocketing out his ass,
screechin all the way to the
stars

12.

Now ysee, Ole Saltyd

survived the accident in his
arse that shotem up
skywards ho-um, and he
landed in the ocean. And all
that salt only didderm
empowerem much Ya Ho.

13.

Ysee, Ole Salty makes

chips now, and lives in a
golden cardboard box palace,
forever Yung. Do ya know
yer Ole Salty history? Well,
iffin ya dont, yall should sit
down, stfu, drink yer grape

juices, and listen to this here

story.

14.

Ysee youngins, a long

time ago there was a onearmed, one-legged, hobbling,
one-lazy-eyed
madman
chicken herding alchemist
troll in the mountains, n
every once n awhile hed
come into town flaming and
trolling all the people he met
with parables of w0m0nz n
rum n honey n faith