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F ro m C h a l l a h t o H a l a k h a h D e p t.
The
Ones
Who
Return
Blair Mlotek explores the world of Modern Orthodox women,
who seek to balance their religious and secular lives.
Illustrationsby
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Across North America, Jewish religious adherence is on the decline. Only about half of the Jews who were raised Orthodox
remain so as adults. Within all of the denominations, there is a
trend toward becoming less traditional in terms of religious beliefs. According to the Pew Research Center, only 19 percent of
Jews in America agree that following Jewish law is important
Name has been changed to protect privacy.
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hats or kippot, suits and tzitzit (small ropes hanging down from
the four corners of their shirts); the women wear long skirts
and long sleeves. Married women often have hair coverings
either wigs, scarves or hats. The garments men wear are meant
to remind them both of Gods presence above, and to make sure
that Gods laws are always with them. According to Judaism,
women are born on a naturally higher spiritual plane than
men. As a result, their clothing doesnt need to remind them of
Gods presence, but they are required to remain modest.
Suzanne Glaser*, a director at an investment management firm in Toronto, doesnt look like someone who would
describe herself as Orthodox. When we meet, Glaser is wearing a long black coat, tight grey turtleneck and a skirt that
hits just above her knees. Her blonde hair, uncovered, is cut
in a trendy shoulder-length style. Im only dressed like this
because its cold, she tells me, making sure I understand that
being covered up isnt something that she takes to an extreme.
It is important to her not to be identifiable as Orthodox in her
line of work because she doesnt want to be viewed differently.
She even gets nervous when her husband and son wear kippot
to a baseball game.
Glaser tells me that, over the years, shes thought a lot about
whether or not to cover her hair. In the end, shes always decided not to. The only exception Glaser makes is for synagogue
or special eventswhen you go into a place of worship, you
cover your head, she says matter-of-factly. While Glaser feels
the pressure of the sometimes-competing expectations of her
working world and her Ultra-Orthodox acquaintances, she
says its ultimately more important for her to feel comfortable
with who she is and how she presents herself.
The two dated for a year and a half before he asked her
to marry him; Lipson describes it as less of a traditional Orthodox courtship and more of a typical millennial series of
hangouts. They did, however, discuss their religious values
and talk about the way they envisioned their future home.
We were honest and open about who we were before, there
were no surprises, she says.
Many Modern Orthodox men and women go on dates that
look similar to those in the secular world. Lipson says that all
of her Modern Orthodox friends got to know their spouses well
before they married. Some Modern Orthodox people choose to
go with matchmakers, but others have met their spouses at social gatherings, synagogues, coffee shops or online. However,
Modern Orthodox couples do approach dating less casually
than your average millennial: their courtships are meant to
determine life and marriage compatibility, and they also usually follow the halakhah, waiting to get married before they
have sex or move in together.
The pressure to take courtship more seriously than their
secular peers sometimes leads to sitcom-like hijinks. When
Aliza Kastner recently decided to go out on a date with a friend,
they wanted to avoid seeing anyone they knewit would only
lead to unwanted questions about the relationship and how serious they were. While at a bar in Torontos Kensington Market, Kastner thought her date was joking when he said he saw
a mutual friend of theirs. He wasnt. It was literally like duck
and cover, she says. The two decided to get out of there before
they were spotted. Kastner hid in the bathroom while her date
left the bar, and, a few minutes later, she snuck outside to meet
him. The friend was successfully avoided.
Dating as a Modern Orthodox woman is different from
what is typical in the Ultra-Orthodox world, where marriage
can seem more like a transaction. Orna Serruya, a matchmaker for all Jewish sects and a Modern Orthodox woman herself, says that with the more religious Jews, marriage is often
less about love and more about religious compatibility. When
Serruya finds two people who might be good together in the
Ultra-Orthodox community, the first step is to arrange for the
parents to interview their son or daughters match. If they approve, the two go on a date.
Serruya says that regardless of level of belief, people tend to
try and find a mate who is religiously compatible, as it can be a
potential source of strife. In many relationships, its common
for one person to take the scriptures more seriously than the
other. This, Serruya says, can often be difficult to navigate.
She explains that although it may not seem like a large problem
to begin with, if they become married and have children, these
sons or daughters often have a tendency to follow along with
the less religious parentless obligations seems more fun
and then one parent is often left in a lonely place.
of being a working Modern
Orthodox mother and wife look easy. On a Wednesday night
at the start of spring, after her daughter has been put to bed,
Lipson opens the door to her apartment wearing a long grey
sweater over a white collared shirt with a knee-length black
skirt and tights. Her hair is up in a bun, showcasing the sparkly silver studs in her ears. She ushers me to a circular glass
table in the kitchen. As we talk, Lipson prepares challahs for
Shabbat that week, pulling and twisting the dough with expert
hands before placing the perfect braids in a pan.
Lipsons Orthodoxy began when she went to seminary
in Israel. It was here that she began to keep kosher. Though
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Lipson has had a strong belief in God since she was a child,
she tells me that she developed her faith slowly, weaving the
threads of her life together as deftly as she handles the challah.
Because of the mitzvah called pru urvu, which speaks of the
importance of populating the Earth, many Orthodox people
believe it is their duty to get married and have children quickly.
While Lipson believes in the importance of this mitzvah, she
wanted to establish her career before having her first child.
To maintain the balance between maintaining Jewish home
values and living in the secular world, Lipson plans to send
her children to Jewish schools, where theyll be around other
kids who practice Shabbat and keep kosher. But unlike UltraOrthodox believers, who worry about the immodest thoughts
that technology can bring, Lipson also plans to let her kids
have access to TV and the internet.
When it comes to instilling faith in her children, Suzanne
Glaser takes a hands-off approach: she wants each of her children to come by their belief on a personal level instead of it
being dictated to them. Thats how she found her connection
with religion; in fact, she remembers the exact moment it happened. One Shabbat when she was a child, she was driving
with her parents and saw her observant cousin walking to
synagogue with her kids. She knew right then that that deep
sense of belief was what she wanted. If her own children decide the same, then so be it.
While Glaser is happy with the way she runs her home, she
still faces scrutiny from people in the secular world, namely those
who are wary of the more traditional gender roles shes modelling.
She also says that stricter Orthodox Jews may think that
Modern Orthodox believers are not religious enough. Glaser
lived at Bathurst and Lawrence, a religious neighbourhood in
Toronto, when she was first married. She says that Orthodox
women there gave her the up and down look as she pushed
a stroller on her way to synagogue, seeming to make assumptions about her lack of strong belief because of how she dressed.
But, she says, when the more-to-the-right call and ask for donations, my money is good enough.
Glaser also says shell never forget the day her husband took
their kids to play in the park after a Shabbat morning service.
Ultra-Orthodox people stay in their Shabbat clothes no matter
what their post-synagogue plans are, but Glasers family usually cant wait to get home and change. Glaser says that, at the
park, her husband was wearing shorts and a T-shirt when he
overheard two young Orthodox boys in black pants and white
button-down tops speaking about him in Yiddish. Not knowing that her husband could understand them, they called him
Goyisha derogatory term for non-Jewseven though he
was clearly wearing a kippah. Glaser says he answered them
in the same language: I pray to the same God that you prayed
to this morning.
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