Fiction

Sagan,Francoise
Certain smile

1363152

M.

PUBLIC LIBRARY
COUNTY,
FORT WAYNE AND ALLEN

1ND.

,*\

4tfNEX
ALLEN COUNTY PUBLIC LIBRARY

3 1833 00639 8017

Digitized by the Internet Archive

in

2010

http://www.archive.org/details/certainsmileOOsaga

A CERTAIN SMILE

By

Frangoise Sagan

BONJOUR TRISTESSE
A CERTAIN SMILE

FRANgOISE SAGAN

Translated from the French

P$<2t>J

by

Anne Green

New York
E P

DUTTON AND COMPANY

1956

&

Copyright, , /pjtf, by E. P. Dutton

Co., Inc.
All rights reserved. Primed in the U.S. A.

FIRST EDITION

No

part of this book may be reproduced

any form without permission in writing
from the publisher, except by a reviewer
1i

in

who wishes to quote brief passages in connection with a review written for inclusion in
magazine or newspaper or radio broadcast.

EP DUTTON &CO.INC

^OFCtf^

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOG CARD NUMBER: 56-8276

To

FLORENCE MALRAUX

1363152

"Love

is

what happens between two

lovers."

ROGER VAILLAND.

A CERTAIN SMILE

Chapter

w,

E had spent the afternoon

on the Rue Saint-Jacques,

in a cafe

any

just like

other.

a spring afternoon

bored, after a fashion;

felt

window, while
Bertrand talked about the course given by Spire. At a
certain point I leaned against the machine and watched

wandered from the juke box

to the

the record rise slowly, then slant

down

to meet the

For some reason

a terrific feeling of happiness swept over me; I had an
overwhelming intuition that some day I was going to

needle, almost tenderly, like a cheek.

die, that

my

hand would be gone from

edge and the sun from

I

this

chromium

my sight.

He was looking at me and

saw me smile. He wouldn't let me be

turned toward Bertrand.

got up

when he

happy without him. My only moments of happiness

were to be those which we lived most closely together.
was already vaguely aware of this, but now I couldn't
stand it any longer and turned away. The piano
sketched the theme of Lone and Sweet; z clarinet took

it

up and

knew every

note.

had met Bertrand the year before, while we were

both taking examinations. We lived through an anxious
I

A Certain

week, side by

side,

before

Smile
went

spend the

off to

summer with my parents. The last evening he kissed

me. Then he wrote me letters. At first rather casually.
Then his tone changed. I had an intermittently feverish
reaction to these successive stages, so that

wrote: "I think

believe

this is a ridiculous statement,

love you,"

the same tone: "This

was able

place on the

used to go

to reply truthfully, in

came

to

me

naturally, or

an echo.

My parents'
to do.

but

a ridiculous statement, but I

is

love you, too." This answer

rather, as

when he

down

Yonne River

offered

little

to the river bank, look for a

while at the formations of swaying yellow algae on

the surface and then skip worn,
as swiftly as

flat stones,

which moved

swallows, across the water. All

summer

repeated "Bertrand" over and over, projecting the

name both within myself and

like

me

to set the

key of a

into the future. It

relationship

was

by means

of

letters.

Now Bertrand
me my

glass

and when

close to him.
fact that

was standing behind me.

He was

turned around

always a

little

He

handed

found myself

annoyed by the

took no part in the discussions.

liked to read,

but literary talk bored me. That was something he

couldn't get used

to.

"You always play

get

me wrong;

He
and
the

the same record," he said. "Don't

like it."

said the last sentence in a

remembered

first

that

time together.

we had

noncommittal voice,
heard the record for

was always coming up

against

A Certain
such

sentimental outbursts, references to events

little

in our liaison of

which

nothing to me,"

feel so

stiff. I

Smile

self, either,

had no recollection. "He's

thought suddenly.

"He

Once more

nothing, absolutely nothing."

the same absurd, rapturous emotion caught at

much

my

go see

come along?"
He went out

first,

and

was

"Do you want

to

know

his

followed.

uncle, the traveler, and had

I

my throat.

uncle, the one that spends so

time abroad," said Bertrand.

him. But

my-

completely indifferent. I'm nothing

"I've got to

me

bores

didn't

no particular

fated, because of

desire to

meet

something within me,

young man's closely shaven neck, to let

myself be marched off, unresisting, with a host of little
to follow a

thoughts of

my

own,

as

cold and slippery as

yet with a certain tender sensation.

as

our bodies at night.

as slim

and attractive

He

as a

my

held

and

As we walked down

were

the boulevard together our feet

fish,

in as perfect step

hand, and

we were

couple in a magazine

illustra-

tion.

All along the boulevard and on the platform of the

bus that took us to

his uncle, the globe-trotter, I liked

Bertrand very well.

When

the

jolts

threw

me

against

him, he laughed and put a protective arm around me.

I

leaned against his coat, just at the curve of his shoulder,

this
I

masculine shoulder where

my

head

fitted so well.

breathed in the smell of him, which was so very

familiar

and yet never

Bertrand was
that

my

failed

first lover,

to

and

it

stir

my

was on

had discovered the odor of mine.

feelings.
his

It's

body

always

A Certain

through someone

body

else's

Smile

that, first

warily and then

with a rush of gratitude, you discover your own,

length,

its

smell.

Bertrand was talking about

whom
about
less

its

his uncle, the traveler, for

he seemed to have no great liking.

He

told

me

which he considered more or

his uncle's trips,

of a sham. Bertrand spent his time uncovering other

people's pretenses; he

was

about half fearful

without

too,

life,

that,

his realizing

it,

own
me as

his

was an empty cover-up. This struck

very funny, and

went

so analytical that he

my amusement rubbed him the wrong

way.
Bertrand's uncle was waiting for him at a table out-

As soon

side a cafe.

as I

saw him

he didn't look so bad, after

getting

up

"Luc,"

said to

By

all.

this

Bertrand that
time he was

to greet us.

Bertrand,

said

Dominique.

Dominique,

"I've

brought

this is

my

friend,

Uncle Luc, the

great traveler."
I

was agreeably surprised and

presentable, this uncle."

somewhat sad

He

said to myself:

"Quite

had gray eyes and

a tired,

expression. In his

way, he was actually

good-looking.

"What
did

it

about your

last trip?"

asked Bertrand.

"How

go?"

"Very badly. I had to wind up an estate in Boston.

Dusty little lawyers in every corner. Altogether very
tiresome. And what about you?"
"In two months we'll be having our exams," replied
Bertrand.

A Certain
He

Smile

That was the conjugal

side of the Sorbonne. Exams were like so many babies.
The uncle turned toward me: "Do you have exams,
lingered over the "our."

too?"
"Yes,"

(My activities, no matter how

made me feel slightly ashamed.)

said vaguely.

unimportant, always

"I'm out of cigarettes," said Bertrand.

He

got up, and

looked after him

Every now and then

it

he went out.

realized that this combination of

brown

muscles, reflexes and

as

skin belonged to me, and

always seemed a most amazing piece of luck.

"And what do you do with

from

yourself, aside

having examinations?" the uncle asked me.

"Nothing,"
I
it

raised

my hand

in mid-air,

space of a

He's a
table
ink,

and

and

said

and

show discouragement. He

looked

much."

at

thought to myself: "I

like

him."

and turn into

very good

seized

him, disconcerted. In the

He

laid

my hand

sign. You'll pass

him.

like

with a smile: "Your fingers are

that's a

seem very

to

second

split

bit old,

and

replied, "or at least, nothing

on the
full of

your exams

a brilliant lawyer, although

you

don't

talkative."

We both laughed.

wanted him to be

my friend.

But Bertrand was back, and Luc was talking to him.

I

didn't listen.

Luc had

slow voice and large hands.

thought to myself: "He's

little girls like

me."

just the

when he

kind that seduces

was already on

not sufficiently to avoid feeling

my

guard, but

a little stab of

vexation

asked us to come to lunchwith him and his

wife two days

later.

Chapter 2

SPENT

two rather boring

days before lunching at Luc's house. After

did

have to do?

me anywhere

wouldn't lead

sun and to

in the

my

To work

let

over an examination that

in particular, to loaf

fond of him,

was

thought very

about passion. This absence of genuine feeling

little

seemed to

me the most normal way to live.

meant contriving

possible,
I

esteem and

just the same. Trust,

tenderness were not to be despised, and

all,

about

Bertrand make love to me, without

giving him anything very deep in return.

really

what

all,

to be as contented as

and that was not

The

humanly

easy.

lived in a kind of boardinghouse for

dents.

Living, after

women

landlady was broad-minded and

stu-

could

come home at one or two in the morning.

My room was large, low-ceilinged and completely bare,
quite safely

since

my

early schemes for decoration had petered out

long ago. All

asked of

my surroundings was that they

The whole
which was very much

should not disturb me.

house had a pro-

vincial flavor

to

my

liking.

My

A Certain Smile

window looked out on a courtyard enclosed by a low

wall. Above this there squatted the much maligned,
fragmentary Paris sky, which opened up here and
there, over a
I

balcony or

street, in a

most moving fashion.

got up in the morning, went to

Bertrand for lunch.

Then

classes,

were the Sorbonne

there

work, friends and outdoor

library, movies,

we danced, or
where we stretched

we went

the evening

else

room,

out on the bed,

and then talked for hours

and met
cafes. In

to Bertrand's

in the dark. I

made love
was happy

enough, but inside me, like a warm, living animal, there

was

boredom, loneliness and occasionally

a feeling of

of exhilaration.

thought there must be something

wrong with my liver.

That Friday, before going
I

paid a half-hour

lively,

visit to

to Luc's house for lunch,

Catherine. Catherine

domineering and always in love.

her friendship;
sidered

me

had not chosen

had been imposed upon me. She con-

it

and

frail

and

defenseless,

could and did enjoy. Sometimes

quite marvelous.

My

her eyes, just as

had been

seized with a

was

it

this

thought she was

became

indifference

attitude I

poetical in

in Bertrand's, before

he was

sudden and compelling desire to possess

me.

That day Catherine was

told

me

all

about

it. I

in love

told her that

some of Bertrand's family, and

realized that

Too

bad.

with a cousin, and

was lunching with

at that

very moment

Luc had somewhat slipped out of my mind.

Why

didn't

have some interminable and

ingenuous love story to match with hers? But

my

A Certain

Smile

We

silence did not surprise her.

were already frozen

into our allotted roles: she talking, while

giving advice, while

This

much

ears.

went

to Luc's without

enthusiasm, in fact with a certain amount of

terror.

build

depressed me.

visit

my

closed

listened; she

should have to

up

a picture of

talk,

make myself

myself in their eyes.

agreeable,

should have

between

liked to lunch alone, twiddling a mustard pot

my fingers, and to be vague, but completely.

When I reached Luc's house, Bertrand was
.

there.

He introduced me

a wonderful

to his uncle's wife.

bloom on her

face,

the same time beautiful. She

was

would

like to

them happy,

tall,

already

There was

blond and
so. I

at

a trifle

thought

was the kind of woman many men

woman that would make

woman. Was I gentle? That was

have for keeps,

a gentle

a question for Bertrand to answer.

his hand,

something kind and

heavy; beautiful, yes, but not aggressively

to myself that she

never raised

course,

held

my voice, I stroked his hair.

my voice and my hands liked

But then

his hair,

which was warm and

hated to raise

Of

thick, like that of an

animal.

Francoise was friendly to

me from

the

start.

She

showed me over the luxurious apartment, gave me a

drink and settled me in an armchair, all with wonderful courtesy

and

ease.

The embarrassment

I felt

over

my

somewhat worn, out-of-shape sweater and skirt

faded away. We waited for Luc, who was working. I
realized that I should show some interest in Luc's profession,

although such things meant nothing to me.

A Certain

Smile

always wanted to ask people: "Are you in love?

are

you reading?" But

profession, important as

never bothered about their

it

might be to them.

"You look worried," said Francoise,

you have a little more whisky?"
"With pleasure."
"Dominique has

smiling. "Will

a reputation for hard drinking,"

"Do you know why?"

said Bertrand.

He jumped up
tant

What

and came over

to

me, with an impor-

air.

"Her upper

lip is a bit short;

eyes and drinks,

it

when

she closes her

gives her an intense expression,

which

has no connection with the Scotch whatsoever."

As he spoke he took my upper lip between his thumb

and forefinger and showed me off to Francoise as if I
were

puppy.

began to laugh and he

then Luc came into the room.

thought once more, but

that he
thing,

When

me

go. Just

saw him

time with a stab of pain,

this

was very handsome. It really hurt me, like everythat he was not mine for the taking. There

weren't so

many

thought

at

in

let

all

things

once that

I
I

wanted

to take, but

now

should like to catch his face

my hands and squeeze it violently between my fingers,

to press his full, rather

really

handsome,

something about

as I

wide

lips to

was often

his features

had seen only twice,

Luc was not

to be told later on.

made

this face,

thousand times

me and a thousand times more

which

mine.

less

But

which

foreign to

desirable than Bertrand's,

actually liked so very well.

Luc came

in,

greeted us and sat down.

He

could

A Certain

remain astonishingly

and controlled in

body which

still.

found

we

There was something tense

and relaxed

his deliberate gestures

infinitely disquieting.

tenderly at Francoise and

gotten what

Smile

said,

but

looked

know

at

him.

He
I

looked

have for-

that Bertrand and

Francoise were keeping up the conversation. Actually,

somewhat disgusts me to call up these preliminaries.

At that moment, with a little caution and a little distance

it

between

could have escaped him.

us, I

am anxious to get to
made me happy. The thought
hand,

On

when he

first

of describing those

first

the time

moments, of momentarily shattering the

mere words,

fills

me

the other

flatness of

with bitter and impatient joy.

we had lunch with Luc and Francoise. Afterward,

So

in the street,
rapid,

adapted

my

which was
elbow every

step to Luc's,

and forgot Bertrand's. Luc took

my

remember how I found

this embarrassing. I didn't know what to do with my
forearm, or with the hand that hung forlornly from it
as if, below Luc's grasp, my arm was dead. I couldn't

we

time

recall

crossed a street, and

how

had always managed, walking with

Bertrand. Later on,

Luc and

Francoise took us to a

fashionable dressmaker's and bought

coat.

was

nor turn

it

so

overcome that

and

scene.

could neither thank them

around.

Then

fast

time suddenly came back,

and once more there were minutes, hours

cigarettes.

the coat.

a russet cloth

down. Already something moved very

when Luc was

like a shot,

me

Bertrand was furious about

When we

had

left

my

them he made

taking

a violent

A Certain

Smile

"Absolutely fantastic! You'd take anything from

anybody, without turning

"This

isn't just

anybody,

"Anyhow,

insincerely.

coat myself;

it's

a hair!"

your uncle,"

it's

buy

couldn't afford to

replied

the

horribly expensive."

"You could have done without

In the last couple of hours

couldn't you?"

it,

had become quite used

and

to the beautifully fitting coat,

sentence

this last

shocked me. There was a certain kind of logic which

Bertrand couldn't follow.
quarrel. Finally, he took

ping for dinner,

as if

day.

As we

told

him

me home

knew

me to

by

side,

we

had

punishment.

was

perfectly well

intense and meaningful

lay side

and

so,

with him, not stop-

he were leading

punishment which

him the most

he kissed

moment

me

with

to

of the

a sort of

trembling deference that I found touching and frightening at the same time.

much

preferred the careless

gaiety and young, animal quality of our

But when he lay with

first

embraces.

body on mine, seeking me

impatiently, I forgot everything but him and our
simultaneous whisper. This was Bertrand, this anguish,
this pleasure. Even now, particularly now, this oblivious
his

happiness of our bodies seems to

But what
feeling,

me

mocking one, when I stop

and

all

an incredible

gift.

to think of reason,

the really important things in

life.

Chapter 3

w,
E

had other lunches and

dinners, just the four of us or else with other friends of

Luc along. Then Francoise went to spend ten days with

some friends. I had come to like her immensely. She was
most attentive to other people and extremely kind. Her
kindness was self-assured, and yet at times she showed
a fear of failing to understand,

larly touching.

which

found particu-

She was earthy and comforting, with

occasionally something childlike about her. She and

Luc laughed a great deal together.

We went to see her off at the Gare de Lyon.
shy than

at first, almost relaxed

boredom,

to

which

was

lively

this state

and quite gay. The

had previously been unwilling to

admit, had gone away, and

I

had changed for the

and sometimes amusing, and

of things could go on forever.

accustomed to Luc's
then, he gave

me

I felt less

face,

sudden

felt as if

had become

and when, every

thrill, I

better.

now and

told myself

for impersonally artistic reasons, or just because

vaguely affectionate feelings toward him.

20

it

was

had

A Certain

Smile

Frangoise was smiling at us from the train window.

"Take care of him for me," she

said as the train started

to pull out of the station.

On

way

buy some
politico-literary paper that would provide him with
grounds for indication. Luc turned to me and said
our

back, Bertrand stopped to

hastily:

"Shall
I

we have

was about

but before
about

it."

to answer: "All right,

Then,

as

ask Bertrand,"

"I'll

Bertrand came toward

you up

ring

he asked

us,

paper did you buy?"

"I couldn't find the

".

I'll

could speak he added:

"What

him:

dinner together tomorrow?"

one

wanted," said Bertrand.

Look here, Dominique, we have

a class, and

think

we'd better hurry."

He

my

had taken

while he and

arm and was holding me

Luc looked

stood there, sheepishly.

suspiciously at each other.

Now that Frangoise was

everything was troubled and unpleasant. This

of Luc's interest

was

Up

to this point

Now,

true light.

to leave a

bad

taste in

my

of a sudden,

wanted

Frangoise near by, as a means of protection.

that our elaborately built-up foursome

And I was scared.

Like

the atmosphere around

the role
"I'll

was

sign

mouth.
in

its

to have

realized

was only

all facile liars, I

me and had

gone,

first

had refused to see the situation

all

tight,

a hoax.

sensitive to

to put sincerity into

was playing.

take

you

to the Sorbonne," said

Luc

casually.

He had a fast, open car and drove well. We said nothing during the ride and no more than: "See

you soon,"

A Certain

22

when we
and

parted company.

walked

Smile

A moment later, as Bertrand

to the classroom, Bertrand observed:

"All things considered, Franchise's departure

thing of a relief

is

some-

We can't go on always seeing the same

people."

This remark eliminated Luc from our future plans,

but

had learned to be careful and didn't

call the fact

to his attention.

"And

besides," Bertrand continued, "they're a bit

old, don't
I

ture

made no

reply,

and

we went on

on the ethics of Epicurus.

tractedly
It

you agree?"
I

listened

my

somewhat

Luc wanted to have dinner with me

must be that happiness was within

ing

Breme's lec-

in to

fingers over the

irrepressible smile twist

mouth, and

head so that Bertrand should not

than a minute, and then

tered; that's only natural."

alone.

my grasp. Spread-

wooden bench,

my

dis-

felt a small,

I
I

see. It lasted

said to myself:

my

turned

no more

"You're

flat-

Burning bridges, barring

roads of escape, never letting myself be taken in

my own illusions ...

I still

had

all

all

by

the healthy reactions

of youth.

The

next day

decided that

my

dinner with

should be amusing and inconsequential.

Luc

imagined him

appearing suddenly, in a state of great excitement, and

declaring his passion on the spot. Instead, he arrived late

and absent-minded.

wished with

all

my

heart that he

A Certain Smile

2 3

would show some emotion over our impromptu tete-atete, but he did nothing of the sort and talked calmly
on various subjects, with an ease which I finally came
to share. He was probably the first person to put me

my

at

ease completely.

a place

me

to

He

suggested that

we go

to

where we could dance while we dined and took

Sonny's. There he ran into some friends who

came and sat at our table. I thought what a vain little

fool I was to have fancied, even for a moment, that he
wanted

to be alone

Looking
that

at the

with me.

other

women

in the group, I realized

lacked both style and glamor.

night came around, the siren

self to

By

the time mid-

had all day imagined my-

be was a limp rag, ashamed of her looks and

mentally calling for Bertrand, in whose eyes she was

beautiful.

Luc's friends talked about Alka-Seltzer and what a

boon it was for the morning after. So there was a whole

category of people

who

took Alka-Seltzer,

their bodies like toys, slightly

worn by

play, but enthusiastically patched

Perhaps

who

treated

the process of

up the next morning.

should give up books, conversation and long

money and futility,

very absorbing. The point was

walks, and go in for the pleasures of

which seemed
to have the

to be so

means

to

become

a thing of beauty.

Would

Luc approve?

He turned to me, smiling,

He took me in his arms and
with

my

head against

conscious of his

body

and asked

me

gently settled

his chin.

to dance.

me

As we danced

against mine.

there,
I

was

A Certain

24

Smile

"Those people bore you, don't they?" he asked. "The

women

have a genius for chatter."

"I've never

been to a

real night club before," I said.

"I'm dazzled."

He

broke into laughter.

"You're a funny one, Dominique.

go somewhere

delightful. Let's

After

we had

left

Sonny's,

find

you

quite

Come along."
Luc took me to a bar
else.

we began drinking steadily.

from my taste for whisky, I knew it was the only

on the Rue Marbeuf, where

Aside

my

thing that could loosen

all his

terror for

me and seemed

highly attractive man.

Luc had

tongue. Soon

even

to

me

lost

an agreeable,

felt a sort

of detached

tenderness for him.

We came, quite naturally, to talk about love. He said

that

it

was

good

thing, less important than people

claimed, but that to love and to be loved

I

Francoise and she loved him in return.

him and

essential

nodded approval. Then he went on

he was happy, himself, because he loved

to being happy.
to say that

were

said that

was not

congratulated

surprised, that he

Francoise were wonderful people.

and

sank into a melting

mood.

"However," Luc said,

"it

would give me

a great kick

to have an affair with you."

I

laughed foolishly, without any deep feeling.

"What about Francoise?" I asked.

"Maybe I'll tell her. She's very fond of
"That's just it," I said. "And then, oh, I

you."
don't

know,

A Certain

Smile

25

but you can't say such things in that offhand manner.

."

was indignant, exhausted by seesawing from one

situation to another. It seemed to me both entirely
I

natural and entirely improper that

me

"but there

know how
is

girls.

Luc

said seriously,

mean something we have in

don't usually care for young

something,

But we're the same type. That's not so

commonplace,

either. In fact, it's

Anyhow, you can

"That's

think

"My

it

it," I said. "I'll

must have been

and kissed

my

stupid,

nor

exceedingly rare

over."

think

it

over."

Luc

a pitiful sight, for

leaned over

cheek.

poor darling," he

you had any morals

I.

happens,"

it

common. Lord knows

offer

his bed.

"I don't

so

Luc should

said.

"I'm sorry for you.

If

But you haven't, any more than

You're nice, though. You're fond of Francoise, and

you're

less

bored with

in a pretty fix, I tell

He

me

than with Bertrand. You're

you!"

was annoyed. Later on,

I always got hurt when Luc started, as he said, to sum
up a given situation. This time I let my feelings show.
burst out laughing, and

"It doesn't matter," he said. "In this kind of thing

nothing matters too much.

I like

you.

love you. We'll

have fun together. Nothing more than fun."

"I despise you," I answered.
I

had taken on

began

a sepulchral tone of voice,

to laugh together.

There seemed

to

and

we

me something

A Certain

26

Smile

suspect about a complicity that had been set

"Now
Or,

if

I'm taking you home," said Luc.

you

like,

we

up

so fast.

"It's late.

can watch the sunrise from the

Quai de Bercy."

We

drove to the Quai de Bercy, and Luc stopped

the car.

The sky was white above

great cranes, which had not yet

like so

many

also gray, as

inanimate toys.

it

rose,

with

its

the Seine, and the

begun

to

work, were

The sky was

white and

usual deliberate obstinacy,

over the sleeping houses, the bridges and other iron-

work, to meet the day. Luc

me, puffing at a cigarette.
it

in his

and

we

held out

drove slowly to

we exchanged

thinking that

wash

my

really

smiles. I

sound

asleep.

my

he took

boardinghouse. In
I

stepped out of

tumbled into bed,

ought to take off

stockings and put

stead, I fell

my

my hand,

my hand,

front of the door, he let go

the car and

sat perfectly still beside

dress

my

clothes,

on a hanger. In-

Chapter 4

1 WOKE up with the painproblem requiring

ful awareness of a

Luc had proposed was

But
I

it

game, a most alluring game.

threatened to undermine the fairly solid feelings

had toward Bertrand and

self,

also

something within

my-

something which dimly but violently opposed any

strictly

gested.

could
as

What

solution.

temporary commitment such

I

as

Luc had

was willing to admit that no passion, no

last

for long, but not to set

up

liaison,

this fleeting quality

an absolute law. Like everyone that

part on make-believe,

sug-

had to write

lives in large

my own

script

and not merely act out one that was handed to me.
Moreover,

knew

that this

game when two people

gameif you can

call it a

attract each other

and see in

their relationship the possibility of at least a

temporary

rift in their

loneliness was dangerous.

foolhardy and go beyond

my depth. The

Frangoise had put

"tamed,"

as

tolerated

by Luc,

it,

that

is,

mustn't be

instant

was

accepted and

should never be able to leave him

without suffering. Bertrand, of course, was incapable

27

A Certain

28

of anything beyond loving me.

Smile
I

said this to myself

a feeling of tenderness for him, but

all

with

the while

I let

myself think of Luc without the slightest inhibition.

When

young and on the threshold of life's long

deception, rashness is all. And, as a matter of fact, I
one

is

had never decided anything for myself;

been chosen.

Why

not continue to

let

had always

myself be led?

There would be Luc's charm, the boredom of everyday

life,

the long evenings.

how it
Armed with

Yet

and

this

we had

smugly

Rue

seemed quite abnormal

belonged with Luc.

my

con-

met Bertrand and our common

dreamy

made

Cujas.
to

I felt this

while Bertrand's friend, Jean-Jacques,

remarks about

its

figure out

fatalistic attitude, I

lunch together on the

this daily routine

All the while

Everything would follow

it

tinued to attend classes.

friends,

was no use trying to

would go.

natural course;

exactly

me.

dimly

sarcastic

condition.

you must be in love. Bertrand,

what have you done to make this girl so absentminded?"
"Really, Dominique,

"I don't
I

know,"

said Bertrand.

looked at him and saw that he had turned red and

was avoiding my glance.

It

was really incredible

that

my

accomplice and companion of a whole year should

turn into an enemy.

had an impulsive urge to say:

"Bertrand, believe me, you mustn't suffer.

bad, and

don't really like

so far as to add, stupidly:

days, those winter days

we

it." I

It's all

too

might even have gone

"Remember

those

summer

spent in your room.

All

A Certain
wiped out

that can't be
sense."

what

Smile

in three

weeks;

it

doesn't

make

should have liked him to agree violently with

comfort

to

I said,

he loved me,

knew

me and

that.

take

me

beyond

a vigor far

any of these boys. Not that

experience.

back. Because

But he wasn't a man. In some

men, and especially in Luc, there was

that of

29

knew

it

from

"Stop bothering Dominique," said Catherine, with

her usual bossy
brutes. Let's

air.

"Come

along,

Dominique; men are

go have a cup of coffee together."

Once we were

outside, she explained that

none of

was important, that Bertrand was devoted to me

and I shouldn't worry about such sudden changes of
humor. I didn't dream of contradicting her. There was
this

no reason

why

Bertrand should be humiliated in front

of our friends. Actually,

of boys and

was fed up with

girls, their little

his suffering

were

Everything moved so
lect Bertrand,

all

their talk

tragedies and the childish-

amorous nonsense. Only Bertrand

ness of their so-called

and

real,

fast! I

and no subject for

trifling.

had scarcely begun to neg-

and there they were, discussing, explain-

ing and driving me, through sheer irritation, to precipitate matters

and lend significance to what might have

been no more than

"You've got

a passing aberration.

it all

wrong,"

said to Catherine. "I'm

not thinking about Bertrand."

"Ah!" she exclaimed.

I

read in her face such ghoulish curiosity and such a

mania for giving advice that

couldn't help laughing.

"I'm thinking of taking the veil,"

said solemnly.

A Certain

30

Without evincing

the

Smile
Catherine

surprise,

least

launched into a long peroration about the joys of

the sun, the tiny birds

sheer madness

is

impelling

"all those things

you

life,

which

to leave behind!

."

She even talked about sexual pleasure, lowering her

voice to say:
face.

really

"It's

no use refusing to look things

That means quite a

been serious about

sensual side of

lot,

it,

after

all.

." If I

had

her description of the

would have thrown me

life

in the

into the arms

of religion. Could "that" possibly be anyone's idea of

was bored,

was bored

life?

After

And

Catherine abounded in commonplaces; she verged

all, if I

so disgustingly

much

passionately.

on the intimate confidences that one

streetwalker might
slightest

make

compunction

walked

for Catherine and

gaily to myself.

And

to another that without the

all

off

and

left her.

her devotion!"

sang under

my

"So

thought

breath, in a

positively ferocious manner.

I

about for an hour, walked into half a dozen

strolled

shops and passed the time of day with everyone

Paris

was mine!

unconcerned;

Now,

this

was something of which

at last, it

away by something

belonged to

chafing under

that

me

felt that I

was carried

joy.

my veins,

quite ridiculously young. In such a

I

This was

walked

impatience and the heat

of the blood that pulsed through

happiness

had always

as well.

might have been

my own

had not been among

my sharp-edged, hard-boiled, golden city.

fast,

met.

Paris belonged to the unscrupulous, the

been painfully aware, because

them.

had grasped

and feeling

moment of wild
truth much more

A Certain Smile
significant than

clung

when

the miserable truisms to

all

was

which

sad.

went into a moving-picture house on the ChampsElysees, which specialized in old films. A young man
came and sat beside me, and I saw at a glance that he
I

was

attractive, in spite of the fact that

blond

hair.

Soon he moved

his

don't care for

elbow against mine and

extended a cautious hand in the direction of

I

seized his

hand

in mid-air

and held

it

tight,

my

knee.

wanting

all

My customary scorn for the vulgar

the time to giggle.

promiscuity and furtive embraces of a darkened theater

had melted away.

warm
me,

was holding a strange young man's

hand, and although he didn't in the least interest

I felt

like giggling

and having some fun.

He rubbed

hand against mine and slowly advanced one

watched him with curiosity and fear, which

his captive

knee.

added up to

tacit

encouragement.

was, too, that from one

proper on him, and

and go away.

was

My

moment

was

afraid,

to the next

and he

might go

an indignant old maid get up

like

was beating

heart

faster than usual;

emotion or the film? Because the film was good

it

and actually held

special
interest

my

attention.

There ought

to be

showings of dull films for people whose

is

a pickup.

The young man

real

turned a question-

ing face to mine; the film was Swedish with backgrounds

which projected some of

so

could see that he was,

their light

as I

had suspected,

enough fellow. "Handsome, but not

to myself as he brought a

For

second

from the

wary

my

screen,

handsome

type,"

said

face closer to mine.

thought of the people directly behind

us,

A Certain

32

who must

Smile

He

be thinking ...

kissed well, but at the

same time he increased the pressure of

more stretched out

his

hand, in a

his

sly,

knee and once

clumsy attempt

up the advantage which I had unresistingly

allow ed him to obtain. Brusquely, I got up and went out,
to follow
r

no doubt leaving him flabbergasted behind me.

I emerged on the Champs-Ely sees with the taste of

mouth on mine, and decided

strange

read a
It

to

go home and

new book.

was

good novel by

plunged into

man and

it

Sartre,

blissfully. I

was young,

loved by another.

conflict to solve

VAge de Raison, and

had

attracted

by one

a stupid little girlish

and I was rapidly acquiring importance.

A married man, another woman ... in short a foursome,

scheduled to be played in Paris in the spring.

made

it

you could hope

smug about it. I

into a neat equation, one as cynical as

What's more,

to find.

accepted

were

to

them

off

all

come.

accepted them in advance and laughed

with scorn.

my head on my arm
to gray.

My

life

jeer.

Oh,

quite

the sorrows and conflicts and pleasures that

read until night

mauve

felt

I felt

was going by, and

violence of love!

weak and

him

to

me

defenseless.

was doing nothing but

cheek against mine,

for keeps and press

book, rested

and watched the sky change from

Suddenly

to have a

down my

laid

fell. I

with

wasn't so cynical

to

all

as to

have someone
the shattering

envy Bertrand,

was quite sad enough to appreciate the good luck

of anyone who was happily in love, or fresh from a

but

desperate encounter, or in bondage of any description.

Chapter

URING

two
but there were
the next

weeks I went out with Luc several times,

always friends of his along. They were mainly globetrotters of

Luc

engaging appearance and with

stories to tell.

talked quickly and amusingly, looked at

indulgence and maintained the hurried,

which made me doubt

Afterward, he drove
kissed

me

made no
half

lightly

me

with

absent

air

really interested him.

me home,

got out of the car and

that

on the cheek before going on.

further reference to the affair

proposed before, and

I felt

He

which he had

both relieved and

dis-

appointed. Finally he said that Francoise was coming

home two days

later,

and

her departure had gone

realized that the time since

by

like a

dream and

had been

talking to myself about absolutely nothing.

We went to meet Francoise at the station, but without Bertrand,

ing me.

who

for the last ten days had been avoid-

missed him but took advantage of

to live the idle, casual life

loved so well.

edge that he was unhappy kept

my solitude
The knowl-

me from

being too

unhappy myself.
Francoise arrived,

all

smiles, kissed us
33

both and said

A Certain

34

Smile

would do us good to
to spend a week end in the country,
received from Luc's sister, that is,

that neither of us looked well. It

accept an invitation

which she had

just

Bertrand's mother.
and, besides,

And Luc

protested that

hadn't been asked

wasn't on good terms with Bertrand.

said that his sister got

on

his

But

nerves.

Francoise had an answer for everything. Bertrand, she

had asked

said,

his

mother

to invite me, "probably for

the express purpose of clearing

And

ing."

as for

Luc, every

ought to show some family

She smiled

backward

to

at

me, and

make myself

weight and was

up

this

now and

smiled back, bending over

agreeable. She had put

all

been before.

I'd

find

him

Yes,

Luc and

was glad nothing had hap-

we

could go on

three of us together, the

way we had

go back to Bertrand;

didn't really

in the car,

me

We

had been very wise. But

if

he were someone

on

that

as I sat

down

looked at him

had given up, and

shock

knew

it

inside.

a beautiful afternoon to

house of Bertrand's mother.

left

a strangely disagreeable little

left Paris

had

terribly intelligent.

between him and Francoise,

for a second as

gave

was

so boring; and he
I

on

but was so warm-

pened between Luc and myself and

being happy,

then he really

feeling.

a little too heavy,

hearted and trusting that

misunderstand-

go to the

that her husband

her a very pretty country place and the fact

was going somewhere for the week end gave me

something to talk about

in snobbish

terms which

had

A Certain Smile

3 5

had informed
never had a chance to use before. Bertrand
person.
me that his mother was an extremely agreeable
said this in the studiedly careless

He

in

which

as if to

speak of their parents,

like to

young people

manner

independent of them.
imply that of course they are quite
slacks, because
had gone to the expense of some linen
This purchase
Catherine's were really too large for me.
Luc and
in my budget, but I knew that

made

a hole

Franchise would
anything.

The

this surprised

to the rescue

come

which

ease with

me, but

like

if I

really

needed

mentally agreed to

most people

who

live

on the

at least in small
best possible terms with themselves,
kindness rather than
things, I attributed this ease to their

to

my own

Anyhow,

indiscretion.

it is

healthier to see

own bad
good points of others than to analyze our
U
'.
\
ones.
on the
Luc and Franchise picked u* up at a cafe
Saint-Michel. He still seemed tired and a

the

JL363152

Boulevard
little sad,

reached the highway he drove

we

and once

almost dangerously

Bertrand broke into a gale of

joined him. Franchise looked

fast.

nervous laughter and I

peculiar to
around with the disconcerted expression
row, even if their
people who are far too kind to raise a
lives

depend upon

it.

"What makes you

laugh?" she asked.

years of
"They're young," said Luc. "At twenty
age, one

still

goes in for

fits

of uncontrollable laughter."

me the wrong
For some reason this remark rubbed
and me like a
way. I didn't want Luc to treat Bertrand
couple,

still less

like a

couple of children.

A Certain

36

Smile

"We're laughing because we're nervous,"

"Because you're driving too fast and

makes us

it

said.

feel

very small."

"You must come out with me, some day, my pet,"

said Luc, "and I'll teach you how to drive."
This was the first time Luc had ever called me by
an endearing name in public. "Maybe that's what's
called a break,"

thought, as Francoise shot her husband

Then such an

a quick look.

seemed

idea

to

me

utterly

ridiculous. I didn't believe in telltale blunders, inter-

cepted glances and lightning-swift intuitions.

sentence that
fails to

a great favorite

is

surprise

One

with novelists never

me: "Suddenly she knew he was lying

to her."

We

were almost

narrow road and

held

me

there.

Luc turned

was thrown

sharply into a

against Bertrand,

who

firmly and tenderly in his arms in a most

embarrassing fashion.
in this posture. It

couldn't bear for

seemed

to

Luc

to see

me

me unnecessarily vulgar and

indelicate.

"You look

like a bird,"

turned around to see

Her

face

was

said Francoise,

how we were

really kind,

who

had

faring.

and there was something

tactfully restrained in her manner. She did not feel

called

upon

middle-aged

to display the conniving approval

women

couples. She merely

so often

touching about me.

bestow upon adolescent

seemed to think that

fortable in Bertrand's arms

I

which

looked com-

and that there was something

was happy enough

to look touch-

A Certain Smile
ing, for

me

relieved

it

of the necessity to think, believe

or even reply.

"An old bird,"

"So do

I said.

"I feel old."

I," said Francoise,

"but

that's slightly

more

natural."

Luc turned

his

head toward her, with a faint smile.

thought suddenly: "They're attractive to each other.

They

still

go to bed together,

know

it.

Luc

sleeps

same bed, and makes love

Does he think of Bertrand's body and mine
to her.
in the same way? Does he imagine them together? And

up

right

is

against her, in the

he vaguely jealous of me,

as I

am

of him?"

"Here we are," exclaimed Bertrand. "I see another

car, which means that Mother has some of her usual
guests."

"In that case,

perfect horror of

we

shan't stay," said Luc. "I have a

my

dear

sister's guests,

and

know

very pleasant inn close by."

"Now, now," said Francoise. "Don't be so difficult.

The house is lovely, and Dominique has never seen it.
."
Come, Dominique.
Taking me by the hand she led me across the lawn and
.

up

to the house.

followed her, thinking

all

the while

had very nearly played the mean trick of causing

her husband to be unfaithful to her, and that I liked her
so very much that I'd go to any length to avoid causing

that

her pain. But obviously she would never have

the difference.

"Here you

are, at last! " said a shrill voice.

known

A Certain

38

Smile

Bertrand's mother burst from a hedge.

seen her before. She looked at

me

young man's mother looks

any

that she
us,

My

time to the house.

first

was blond and

at

had never

searchingly, the
girl

way

he brings for the

immediate impression was

little

loud. She circled around

chirping in a somewhat nerve-wracking manner.

Luc

stared at her as

if

she were a calamity, while Ber-

trand seemed slightly embarrassed,

all

of

which inspired

my best behavior. It was with a feeling of

relief that I found myself in my room. The bed was
very high, with coarse sheets, like those of my childhood. I opened my window onto rustling green trees,
me

to

and

be on

a strong

odor of moist earth and grass

filled

the

room.

"Do you

like it?"

half abashed
I

asked Bertrand, with a half pleased,

air.

realized that this

week end with me

in his mother's

house must be meaningful to him, and

"You have

smile:

mother,

don't

a very lovely house.

is

young men. He took me

lips. I
I

knew

it

your

Anyhow, my

into his

and imperious

arms and gently kissed

way

of

had never told him about the young man

at

the movies.

took

to

a hint of complicity. I liked strange

houses, black-and-white-tiled bathrooms

kissing.

As

with

next door."

His laugh held

my

said

know her yet, but she seems very kind."

"So you don't mind being here.

room

the smell of his breath and his

He would have taken it badly. By this time I

badly myself. Seen

in its true perspective, the

episode was rather shameful, comic

if

you

like,

and yet

"

A Certain Smile

39

vaguely disturbing. For the space of one afternoon,

had been lighthearted and

"Come on down
bent over to

kiss

was

so no longer.

to dinner," I said to Bertrand, as he

me

again, his eyes slightly dilated.

liked to feel his desire.

That type

myself.

free; I

On

the other hand,

of wild, cold

little

didn't like

girl "I have

white teeth and a black heart" seemed to

me

play-

acting for old gentlemen.

The

dinner was deadly. Sure enough, there were

friends of Bertrand's mother: a garrulous couple, very

much

in the social

swim. At

dessert,

Richard, the

husband, chairman of some board of directors, could

not

resist

harping on the usual theme:

"What about

you, young lady? Are you one of

those wretched existentialists? ...

my

As

a matter of fact,

Marthe" he had turned now to Bertrand's

mother "these disillusioned young people are beyond
me. At their age, hang it all, we loved life. When I was
young, we enjoyed ourselves, we kicked up our heels,
but it was all good, clean fun!
dear

His wife and Bertrand's mother laughed knowingly,

Luc yawned, while Bertrand readied a speech to which

no one would pay any attention. With her usual good
will, Francoise was trying to understand what made
these people so boring. This

was about the tenth time

that pink-cheeked, gray-haired gentlemen

the "good, clean fun" act for

food

all

the

idea of the

no reply.

more

my benefit,

had put on

chewing

their

gleefully for not having the slightest

meaning of the word

"existentialism."

made

A Certain

40

"My
only

dear Richard/' said Luc, "I'm afraid that

your age our

at

up our

to kick

which

is

quite

secretary

The

Smile

age,

mean that we can

all right,

too.

You need

an

office

love,

and a

you're to have good, clean fun."

if

fun-loving Richard had nothing more to say,

and the

rest of the dinner

went

off

Everyone but Luc and myself

Luc was
I

afford

These young people make

heels.

it's

without commotion.

talked, after a fashion.

the only other one to be as violently bored as

was, and

was not the

wondered

if this

intolerance of

boredom

sign of partnership between us.

first

After dinner, since the weather was mild,

we went

out on the terrace. Bertrand was sent to get some whis-

ky and Luc

me

told

in a whisper that I mustn't drink

too much.
"I

can hold

it; I

know how

to behave," I said with

annoyance.
"It

would make me

jealous,"

he

said. "I like

you

to

be fuzzy and talk nonsense, only not with anyone but

me.

"And what am

to

do the

rest of the

time?"

way you did at dinner."

your own face? Do you imagine you

"Pull a long face, the

"What

about

looked gay? In spite of what you

you belong

said, I

don't believe

to the pink-cheeked, fun-loving genera-

tion."

He

laughed.

"Come have a walk in the

"In the dark?
I

was

garden."

What about Bertrand

in a panic.

and the others?"

A Certain Smile

41

"They've bored us long enough. Come along."

He took me by the arm and glanced at our fellow
guests. Bertrand had not yet returned with the whisky.
did return he

when he

thought vaguely that

would

look for us in the garden, catch up with us under a

tree

and perhaps

kill

way

Luc, the

happened

it

in

and Melisande.

Pelleas

"I'm taking
walk," Luc

young woman for a sentimental

addressing the company from a safe

this

said,

distance.

Without looking around, I heard Franchise's laughter.

He

me down

led

a gravel path, light at the beginning,

but soon melting into the dark. Suddenly

wanted

Yonne

with

to be

parents,

was

afraid.

on the banks of the

River.

"I'm scared,"

He

my

said to

Luc.

did not laugh but took

could always be just the

hand.

way he was then,

protecting and tender, that he

that he

my

wished he

silent,

grave,

would never go away,

would say he loved me and take me

in his arms.

He stopped and did take me in his arms. I leaned against

his jacket and closed my eyes. All these last days had
been no more than
the hands that
that

fingers

around

kissed. I

put

were

was

mouth

a vain flight
tilting

from

my face

this

moment, from

and the

so well suited to mine.

soft,

He

warm

kept

his

my face and tightened his grip as we

my arms around his neck, feeling fright-

ened of myself, of him, of everything that was not

this

moment.
Right away

liked his

mouth.

He

kissed

me

without

A Certain

42

Smile

saying a word, occasionally raising his head to take a

breath.

could see

above mine,

his face

in the semi-

darkness, at the same time absent and concentrated, like

a mask.

Then slowly he

no longer distinguish
while

my

temples,

flooded with heat.

returned to me. Soon

his features,

my
I

eyelids,

could

and closed

my

my

were

breast

eyes,
all

had an absolutely new feeling

which had none of the haste or impatience of

desire,

but was happy and deliberate and disturbing.

Luc broke away from me, and I stumbled slightly.

He took me by the arm and, without a word, we walked
back through the garden.

was thinking

that

should

be content to kiss him until the break of day. Bertrand

ran out of kisses too soon; desire
in his eyes.

They were only

made them

a stage

as

Luc had revealed them to me.

"Your garden is magnificent," Luc

at his sister.
"It's

"Unfortunately,

never too

late," said

it's

on the road

and

pleasure, not something inexhaustible

superfluous
to

self-sufficient,

said

now, smiling

a bit late."

Bertrand dryly.

He stared at me, and I turned away my eyes. I wanted

to be alone in the darkness of

my

room, in order to

remember and understand those moments in the garden.

I must set them aside during the rest of the general
conversation, from which I'd be secretly withdrawn.
Then later, I could pick them up again in my room.
I would lie flat on my bed, with open eyes, turning their

memory

over and over in order either to

destroy

or to

become part of me

my

it

let it

forever.

door that night, and Bertrand did not knock.

closed

Chapter 6

HE

slowly by.

woke up

to

me back

pose that took

next morning went

an atmosphere of peaceful re-

to

my

childhood. But

what lay

ahead was not a long, lonely, yellow-leaved day, interspersed with reading. It

the necessity of facing

was

"the others," in whose midst

had

a part to play.

At

the prospect of taking on this responsibility was

more than I could bear, and with a feeling of physical

first,

discomfort

bered

last

burrowed

into

my pillow. Then I

night and Luc's kisses, and something inside

me was torn gently asunder.

The bathroom was wonderful. Once
began

to sing,

under my breath,

to do something about

a loud

remem-

bang on the

it,

in

my

bath

to a jazz tune: "I've got

abooouuut

it

."

There was

wall.

"Can't respectable people be allowed to sleep?"

It was a joyful voice, Luc's voice. If I had been born
ten years

earlier,

lived together

before Francoise,

we

should have

and he would have laughingly stopped

43

A Certain Smile

44
me from

my

singing in

waked up

in the

morning bath; we should have

same bed and enjoyed

a lifetime of

happiness, instead of finding ourselves in this blind

alley. It

was

a blind alley,

we hesitated to
I

enter

it,

and perhaps that was

and found a
country

show of bravado.

in spite of our

must escape from him, go away.

got out of

my bath

fluffy bathrobe that smelled of

closet.

As I

slipped into

it, I

why

an old

came around

to the

sensible conclusion that I should let things take their

course.

should not pursue

my analytical dissection but

wait calmly and bravely for whatever might come.

positively purred with insincerity over the virtue of

this decision.
I

put on

my new

linen slacks and looked at myself

didn't care for

what

showed me: un-

in the mirror.

combed

an angular face and a "nice" expression.

hair,

should have preferred regular features,

hair,

my

coils of

braided

a severe but carnal face, the somber eyes of

a girl destined to

head back

these slacks

match-stick.

knew

wrong

this

make men suffer. Of course, if I threw

might achieve a more voluptuous air,

woman

but then any

it

were
I

ridiculous; they

foot with

capable of sulking

despair!

my
all

But Francoise came

"Why,

made me look

simply couldn't go downstairs.

form of

little

And

could do the same thing.

When

like a

How well

got off on the

reflection in the mirror, I

was

day long.
in

and

set

everything right.

Dominique, you look charming! You're

even younger and

reproach tome!"

livelier

than ever! You're a living

A Certain
"Why

Smile

45

a reproach?"

Without looking up, she answered:

"I eat too many sweets, for no other reason than the
fact that I'm crazy about them.

And

then, just look at

these wrinkles. ..."

She had some heavy

and

lines at the corners of

my forefinger.

touched them with

"I like

them,"

I said.

exotic countries,

all

"Think of

all

the nights,

all

the

went into
you; they make you come

the strange faces that

They suit
don't know what it is,

their imprinting.
alive. I

her eyes,

but, as

they have feeling and expression.

say,

like

them;

hate smooth faces."

She burst out laughing: "So you'd put beauty parlors

out of business, just in order to cheer

you? You're a sweet

child,

me

up,

would

Dominique, very, very

sweet."

"I'm not

as

sweet

as all that," I said, feeling

some-

what ashamed.
"Did

say the

wrong

horror of being sweet,

thing?

can

see,

people have a

know. But you never make

unjust or unkind remarks.

far as

Young

And you

like people.

As

you're about perfect."

"I'm not, though."

I

up

hadn't talked about myself for a long time, although

until the time I

favorite occupations.
I

was one of my
the subject was wearisome.

was seventeen

Now

it

couldn't be interested in myself, love myself, unless

Luc loved me and was

was

interested in me. This last idea

silly.

"That's going too far,"

thought aloud.

46
"And

A Certain

Smile

incredibly

absent-minded,"

you're

added

Francoise.

"That's because I'm not in love."

She looked
"Francoise,

at

me and I was

strongly tempted to say:

could easily fall for Luc, and I'm very fond

him away."

of you, too, so please take

But Francoise broke in to

Bertrand?
I

Is it all

shrugged

mean,

my

"What

say:

about

over?"
shoulders. "I

don't look at

no longer see him.

him any more."

"Perhaps you ought to

tell

him."

made no reply. What could I say to Bertrand? "I

don't want to go on seeing you"? But I did want to
I

see him.

He

meant

a great deal to me.

Francoise smiled. "I understand.

It's

never easy.

Come on down to breakfast. By the way, I saw a sweater

on the Rue Caumartin that would go beautifully with
those slacks.

We must go look at

it

together.

."
.

We talked gaily about clothes as we went down the

stairs.

me
in

The

subject didn't really thrill me, but

to chatter

it

amused

about something inconsequential, to put

an adjective here and there, to get

it all

her angry and then have a good laugh.

trand were having breakfast together.

wrong, make

Luc and Ber-

They

said

some-

thing about going for a swim.

"We

can go to the pool."

Bertrand was speaking.

He

he'd cut a better figure than

must have thought that

Luc

in the open.

haps his motive wasn't really so petty.

Or

per-

A Certain Smile
"Good.

And

I'll

give

Dominique

47

a driving lesson

on

the way."

"Don't do anything too crazy! " exclaimed Bertrand's

mother, as she came, clad in an elaborate dressing gown,
into the room.

"Did you sleep well?

And how

about you, precious boy?"

He

Bertrand looked embarrassed.

which was most unbecoming.

had a solemn

wanted him

air

to be gay.

We

always want someone we've treated badly to be

gay.

It's less

Luc got

upsetting.

up. Obviously, he couldn't bear his sister's

presence. This

amused me.

the same kind, but

was something

felt I

had physical aversions of

must conceal them. There

childlike in Luc's composition.

"I'm going up to get

There was

my trunks," he said.

a great bustle while

we

looked for our

all

swimming things. Finally everyone was ready. Bertrand

went off with his mother in her guests' car, leaving
Francoise, Luc and me together.
"You take the wheel," Luc said to me.
My notions of driving were rather vague, but it went
off fairly well. Luc sat beside me, while from the back
seat Francoise chattered on, oblivious of danger. Once
more I was nostalgic for what might have been: long
trips with Luc at my side, roads swept by the headlights,

myself leaning against Luc's shoulders while

steady hand was on the wheel.

The sun

countryside and setting over the

"Do you know

sea.

his

rising over the

.

that I've never seen the sea?"

I said.

A Certain Smile

48

There was an outburst of

"I'll

show

he shot

me

to

it

surprise.

you one day,"

a smile that

seemed

Luc

said

must take her with

went

someone once put

"I'll

can't

it, I

it

we

go.

water!' as

lot of

remember who.

probably begin by plunging

about

on:

Luc, next time

probably say: 'My, what a

She'll

talk

us,

And

to contain a promise.

Francoise had not heard him, and she

"We

gently.

."

in," I said,

"and

later."

wonderful, you know," said Francoise.

"It's really

"Yellow beaches, red rocks and

all

that blue water

rushing at them."
"I love

your description,"

"Yellow, red, blue

just

said

what

Luc with

a laugh.

a schoolgirl

would

say ... a very young schoolgirl," he added apologetically,

"Some older schoolgirls are

Turn left, Dominique, if you

turning toward me.

very bright indeed.

can.
I

could.

moment

later

we

reached

and in the middle was a large pool

blue water, which froze

me

green lawn,

with light

filled

at sight.

Soon we were

standing, in our bathing suits, at the edge of the pool.

I

had met Luc

as

seemed unhappy.

he came out of his cabin, and he

asked him

why

and he

said

with a

diffident smile:
"I don't find

He

myself very good-looking."

wasn't, either.

He was

gaunt, stooping, and

white-skinned. But he looked so miserable, holding his

towel
that

in front

I felt

of him, like an

sorry for him.

awkward

adolescent boy,

A Certain Smile
"Come, come,"
all

49

said blithely, "you're not as

bad

as

that!"

He

me

glanced at

sideways, seeming somewhat

shocked, and then burst out laughing.

"You're getting to be very disrespectful!"

Then he

ran off and dove into the water. Almost at

once he stuck out

his head,

Francoise came to

sit

with

cries of distress,

and

on the edge.

Luc from the pool. "It's

sheer madness to bathe in May."
"The merry, merry month of May," said Bertrand's
atrociously cold," said

"It's

mother

no sooner had she dipped her

irrelevantly, but

foot into the water than she

I

went

off

and got dressed.

looked at the chattering white-skinned group by the

pool,

and a

sort of mild gaiety

swept over me, together

with the eternally recurrent question:

world

am

"What

in the

doing here?"

"Aren't you going in?" asked Bertrand.

He

stood, balancing

on one foot before me, and

glanced at him approvingly.

knew

that he exercised

with dumbbells every morning. Once,

spent a

week end

when we had

together, he had mistaken

my dozing

for deep sleep and had done gymnastics in front of the

open window. At the time,

ter,

but now

saw that

had

his efforts

stifled a gale

of laugh-

had been worth while,

for he had a trim, healthy look about him.

"We're lucky

to have

dark skins," he observed. "Just

look at the others."

"Let's get into the water,"

some

critical

remark about

I said,

his

fearful lest he

mother.

make

A Certain

52

what

"You'll see
reason, the

Smile

funny business

this

For some

is.

well, let's say the other person's partner

seems more of an obstacle than your own. Horrible

it

may sound, when you know someone

his

or her manner of suffering, and

it

well,

you know

seems endurable

No, perhaps not endurable, but the

you know it makes it less terrifying."
to you.

"I don't

know much

as

fact that

about Bertrand's suffering,"

said.

"You

haven't had time. I've been married ten years,

so I've had plenty of occasions to see Frangoise suffer.

It's

most unpleasant."

We were

quiet for a

moment. Probably both of us

were picturing the sufferings of Frangoise.

imagined

her with her face turned to the wall.

"It's

absurd," said

Luc

at last.

"But you

see, it isn't

as I thought."

He picked up the glass, tilted his head back and drank

down

the contents in a single swallow.

were watching a movie.

felt as if I

told myself that this

the time to be cool and detached, but

was not

had an impres-

whole thing was totally unreal. Luc was

there, he would decide what was to be done, and that
made everything all right. He bent forward a little,
twirling the empty glass rhythmically in his hands. He
sion that the

did not look at

"Of

me

as

he spoke.

Most of the time

Frangoise knew nothing about them. Except for a few
unfortunate instances. It was never very serious." He
course, I've

had other

affairs.

straightened up, almost angrily, and

went

on: "It's not

A Certain Smile
very serious with you,

53

Nothing

either.

very

is

serious.

Nothing really matters except Frangoise."

don't

know why,

tress, as if I
I

had no

were

but

visiting a

him without

listened to

dis-

philosophy class with which

real connection.

"This

is

the

way

get

little girl.

different, all the same.

man

my

of

wants a

sort

That's what

At first I wanted you

kittenish, hard-to-

told you.

you, to have you for a night.

wanted

to

tame

never thought ..."

He turned toward me, took my hands and continued

in a

much

gentler fashion.

looked at

its

sionate interest to

what he had

livered

my

thought that

high opinion of you.

love you, besides.
children say, but

want

I'll

it

brings.

you

last I felt like

still,

small voice within.

have, though, Dominique, and

never love you 'for keeps,' as

are alike,

We'd

somehow.

want us

don't

to live together,

be very happy, very tender;

to the sea, to

money and

the freedom

We'd be much less bored. There you

"I like the idea

was de-

should come to have such a

with you,

to share a holiday.
I'd introduce

you and

just to sleep

At

to say.

wholehearted attention;

from myself and the

"I never

from

every line and listening with pas-

near by, studying

giving someone

his face

very well,"

have

it."

I said.

"Of course, I'd go back to Frangoise. But what risk

do you run? The risk of getting attached to me and
some pain? That's better than
boredom, any day, isn't it? You'd rather be first happy

letting yourself in for

and then unhappy than stay bored, wouldn't you?"

"Of

course,"

echoed.

A Certain

54
"So what

Smile

do you run?" Luc repeated,

risk

as if to

convince himself of the point he was making.

"Never mind about the

make

too

much

"Good,"

We

My

of that.

my

in

heart isn't that fragile."

over. Let's talk

it

What

healths.

mind was

going off together in a

true.

we were very likely

just the way that I had

car, in

We

it

could never

should manage, somehow, not to get too

attached to him,

burned

stood out

that

wildly imagined while believing that

come

let's

Will you have another drink?"

else.

drank our respective

most clearly

"Don't

said.

"We'll think

said Luc.

about something

pain,"

knowing

in advance. After

that

all, I

all

my

bridges had been

wasn't completely crazy.

went out and walked along

laughed and talked with me, and

the quays.

laughed back.

Luc
told

myself that with him there must always be laughter;

certainly

it

reflected

my present mood.

naturally with love," as Alain puts

it

was

And,

in this case,

not of love but of an understanding.

finally,

felt

rather proud:

was

me and

in Luc's

desired me.

piddling conscience, which always reflected such

a very poor image of me, might be a

and

But

a question

thoughts; he had a high opinion of

My

it.

"Laughter goes

pessimistic, after

little

too severe

all.

went into another bar and spent

the four hundred francs which should have gone for
my dinner on a third glass of whisky. Within ten minutes I felt wonderfullv well: I was tender, kind and
After leaving Luc,

attractive

from

mv

and

must

find

explanation of

someone who might benefit

all

the hard, sweet and sharp

A Certain Smile
things

knew about life.

could have talked for hours,

but the barman was uninteresting. So

on the Rue

Saint- Jacques,

who was sitting alone with

where

"I

was

to see

went

to a cafe

ran into Bertrand,

from the

a stack of coasters

drinks he had consumed before him.

seemed delighted

55

down, and he

I sat

me.

just thinking of

you. There's a

orchestra at the Kentucky. Shall

we

go?

new be-bop

We

haven't

danced for ages."

"I haven't a sou,"

"My

said dolefully.

mother gave me ten thousand francs the other

day. We'll have a

"But

few drinks and then

only eight o'clock,"

it's

we'll go."

objected, "and

it

doesn't open before ten."

"We'll have a lot of drinks, then," said Bertrand

I

was

delighted.

We always had a good time dancing

to be-bop music together,

my

making
drinks,

legs fidgety.

saw

and already

When

was

my

loved him very deeply.

a juke

box was

Bertrand paid for the

had had plenty.

that he

gay. Besides, he

gaily.

He was extremely

best friend,

my

brother, and

We made the rounds

of five

or six bars until ten o'clock and ended up beautifully

drunk and gay but not

to the

at all sentimental.

When we got

Kentucky, the orchestra had already begun

to play, but there

were very few people, and we had

the floor almost to ourselves. Contrary to

tions,

my

we relaxed and danced very well. More

thing else

loved the music, the impulse

the pleasure felt

by

my own

long enough to drink.

body.

it

expecta-

than any-

me and
down only

gave

We sat

A Certain

56
"Jazz music/'
"is a

Smile

observed confidentially to Bertrand,

form of accelerated unconcern."

He sat up abruptly.
"That's

it,

Good

definition.

Very

exactly.

"You see!"
"The whisky

interesting.

top-notch

for you, Dominique."

is

terrible here,

but the music's good.

Unconcern, eh? Unconcern with what?"

"I don't

concerned,

know.
it's

Listen, the

trumpet

necessary as well.

like love,

you know, physical

when you simply have

to

love.

not only un-

had to carry that

It

note to the very end. Did you feel

is

it?

Necessary.

There comes

When

it

It's

a time

can't be

anyway

we

dance?"

else."

"Quite

true,

and very

interesting. Shall

We spent the night drinking,

ing paradoxical definitions.

dancing and exchang-

At the end it was

all

a dizzy

whirl of faces and feet, of Bertrand's arm sending

away

until the

the incredible

music hurled

warmth and

me back

to

me

meet him, and

suppleness of our bodies.

"They're closing up," said Bertrand.

"It's

four

o'clock."

"My boardinghouse will be

closed, too," I remarked.

"That doesn't matter."

It didn't

matter at

and stretch out on

I

all.

We

his bed,

and

were going
it

was

to his

room

quite natural that

should have the weight of Bertrand's body on mine,

just as I

happy

had had

together.

it all

winter, and that

we

should be

Chapter 8

i LAY
morning while he
early,

but

couldn't get back to sleep.

that just as he
self, too,

slept, his

him next
hip touching mine. It was
close to

was

was immersed

infinitely far

said to

in his dreams, so

myself

my

real

away, beyond the suburban

houses, the fields, the trees, the haunts of childhood,

standing at the end of a garden path, in the guise of a

motionless statue.

was only

The

girl

bending over the sleeper

a pallid reflection of this

choosing to follow one of the

permanent

lives that

self,

had opened

before her, while those she had rejected were frozen,

like stone birds

which now could never take

flight

from

the statue's shoulder.

I

stretched, got

opened one eye,

up and put on my clothes. Bertrand

yawned, said "Good morning," and

ran one hand over his cheeks and chin, complaining of

made an appointment with him for that

evening and went to my room to study. But I couldn't
concentrate. It was dreadfully hot and was now almost
noon. I was to lunch with Luc and Frangoise, and it

the stubble.

57

A Certain

58

Smile

work for the intervening

buy some cigarettes, came

hardly seemed worth while to

went out again to

back, started to smoke one and
hour.

had not consciously lived

realized as

a single

I lit it

my

one of

that

acts of

the morning. For hours there had been nothing in

but a vague instinct to cling to

ing at

And where

all.

which

to

human

to cling?

could

me

my usual routine. Noth-

have found anything

else

didn't believe in the marvelous

on the face of

smile to be glimpsed

a fellow

bus-rider, or in the palpitating life of the city streets,

and

didn't love Bertrand.

As

thing.

I lit

my

cigarette,

needed someone or some-

I
I

said this, half aloud, over

and over: "Someone, or something," and

it

had

melo-

dramatic sound, melodramatic and funny. So, like

Catherine,
I

had moments of sentimental exasperation.

loved love and words pertaining to love: "tender,

cruel, sweet, trusting, excessive,"

one. Luc, perhaps,

terday

when he was

and yet

near, but since yes-

hadn't dared think about him.

didn't care

my

for the taste of renunciation that rose in

when
I

image passed before me.

by

to the

a feeling of nausea

cloakroom.

When it was gone I

of time to count the days. "That's it!"

myself.

The nightmare which

having been through

had come back

might be the

to

it,

was

and dizziness and had to

head and looked at myself in the mirror.

it

throat

was waiting for Luc and Francoise when

seized

run

his

loved no

lifted

had plenty

knew all
mistakenly, many

too well for

result of last night's

my

said aloud to

haunt me. But this time

up

times before
.

Of course,

whisky and

had

A Certain
no reason

to

looking at

my reflection

worry.

Smile

59

debated furiously with myself,

in the glass

with a mixture of

and scorn. Trapped, that was

curiosity

it!

must

tell

was the only one who could get me

Francoise. She

out of this trouble.

But

didn't

Francoise.

tell

didn't have the nerve.

Luc

plied us with drinks during lunch

tent

more

and to some ex-

forgot and talked myself into looking at things

coolly.

But what

The

to

have

all

following

who was obviously

way to keep me? I

Bertrand,

had devised

jealous of Luc,

seemed

if

this

the symptoms.

week brought an

wave, of an intensity such

summer

early

heat

had never imagined.

as I

My room was stifling and I walked about the streets in

search of

asked Catherine vague questions about

relief. I

how women
let

on that

see

Luc and

got out of such

was

in

fixes,

one myself.

but

And

never dared

had no wish to

Francoise, the strong and the free.

sick as a dog,

was

with intervals of nervous laughter, and

had no strength to look ahead or make

end of the week

I felt

sure that

plans.

was going

to

By

the

have a

baby, Bertrand's baby, and the certainty was actually

calming.

But
I

must do something about

just before examinations I

it.

found that once more

had been mistaken; the whole thing was only another

nightmare.

sailed

best of humors.

on

my mind,

through

my written tests in the very

For ten days

had had only one thing

now the rediscovery of other people's

me with wonder. Once more, every-

and

existence filled

thing was possible, and gay. Francoise dropped in to

A Certain Smile

60

me and was appalled by the

see

She suggested that

so

went and

torrid heat of

my

study for

orals at their house,

installed myself, quite alone,

rug, with the blinds half

Francoise would

come

in

drawn over

around

my room.

on a white

the windows.

show me

five o'clock,

her day's purchases and question me, without too

much

my

exam was supposed

to cover. We ended up by joking, and Luc arrived in
time to join our laughter. Then we went to have dinner
at a sidewalk restaurant and they took me home. Only
once that week did Luc come in before Francoise. Then
he came into the room where I was working, knelt
real interest,

down on

about the material

the book-strewn rug, took

kissed me, without saying a word.

on mine

felt as if I

me

in his

When

arms and

his lips

had never known any

were

others, as if

two weeks I had thought of nothing else.

He said he would write to me during the holidays and
that, if I liked, we might arrange to spend a week tofor the last

gether.

my

He

mouth.

caressed the nape of

I

and perhaps

longed to
to

lie

on

his

my

shoulder until night,

complain gently because

supposed really to love each other.

The academic

neck and sought

year was over.

we

weren't

PART

TWO

Chapter

UR house was long and

A meadow ran down to the sluggish, green, foam-

gray.

flecked

Yonne

and poplar

River, with swallows flying overhead

bordering each

trees

poplar, in particular, in

lay with

head

whose shade

my feet propped

lost in the

up

There was one

I

liked to

warm

wind, high above me.

grass

impotence and joy.

kind of weather.

and gave

knew this
had known
I

Paris, the streets of Paris

me

lie.

and

against the trunk

shadows of the branches, which

see stirring in the

smelled of

side.

my

could

The

earth

a feeling of

mingled

landscape under every

it

before

ever

and the Seine, or men.

knew

And

it

was unchanging.

By
I

a sheer miracle, I

had passed

examinations.

lingered to read under the tree and then strolled

slowly up to the house for dinner.

had

my

died,

My younger brother

under tragic circumstances,

before, and this had

thrown
63

my

fifteen years

mother into

a lasting

A Certain

64

Smile

melancholia which pervaded the whole house. Within

its

walls,

toed about, carrying shawls for

Bertrand wrote to

me a

my

mother.

we

had spent together,

Kentucky,

after the evening at the

me

claimed to have treated

father tip-

curious, obscure letter, full

of references to the last night

couldn't

My

sorrow was redolent of piety.

a night

without due respect.

remember any lack of respect on

was

since our physical relationship

satisfactory,

and for a long time

what he meant. Finally

for something to bind us together, he

low

and

couldn't imagine

between

establish an erotic complicity

his part,

quite simple

realized that he

straws, this time at a very

when he

was trying

us.

to

In his search

was clutching

at

level. Instinctively, I

resented his effort to complicate the happiest and most

honest thing we had possessed.

are circumstances under

did not

know

that there

which even the worst

is

pre-

ferable to the expected and the mediocre. For Bertrand,

was

the expected, mediocre thing

knew

that he

"us," since a

month

him.

ence.

And

that

was hankering
ago,

no longer loved

after

"me," and not

"we" had passed out of

this especially

exist-

grieved me.

No news from Luc all month long, only an affectionate card

from Francoise,

signature.

told myself over

stupid pride, that

the fact that

to

stopped to think that

I

and over, with

didn't love him, as

didn't suffer

really reassuring

which he had added

from our

if this

a certain

was proved by
I

never

were

to be

separation.

indifference

should have

felt

his

humiliated

by

it

A Certain Smile
rather than self-congratulatory. But

annoyed me.

And

then

these subtleties

all

had myself so very well

in hand.

loved this house, which

found boring.

rights have

65

was bored,

should

by

all

of course, but

my boredom was pleasant and not shameful, as it would

have been in

Paris. I

made myself

one, and enjoyed doing so.

agreeable to every-

What

from one piece of furniture or one

a relief to

field to another, to

from one day to the next without any

live

wander

alternative

before me!

To

tan, to wait

without tedium for the holidays to be over.

lie still

and acquire a

painless coat of

The holidays were a splotch of faded yellow.

At last came a letter from Luc. He told me

he would

be in Avignon on the second of September and would

wait there for either

Immediately

Luc the

arrival or that of a letter.

decided to go there in person, and the

month seemed

past

my

beatifically simple. It

embarked on an ocean of

to send

me

bogus

surprise. Bertrand,

as a

lies,

sent

me

tell

same mail
letter,

as

her

expressing

and indeed the whole gang, had gone

who on

earth

was

my

My lack of confidence in her was positively

wrote her a note of thanks, pointing out

she wanted to hurt Bertrand, she had only to

offensive.
if

and wrote Catherine

another

off in the opposite direction, so

destination?

and

meeting place.

invitation. In the

prompt response she

that

just like

casual tone of the letter, the ridiculous

unexpected choice of Avignon

I

was

him about

my

letter,

which she proceeded

to do,

under the pretext that she was his friend.

On

September

first,

set out,

with a minimum of

A Certain

66

Smile

luggage, for Avignon. Fortunately

to the Riviera, to

parents

which

went with me

seemed

to

me as if for the

that

was going.

first

was going

time

my

to dislike

was not going

letter,

my

off

When

came

right

had

him and

supposed

with Luc because

we

spoke the

a strong attraction

down to it,

guard, a singu-

either of us loved the other, but because

same language and there was

Avignon.

uncomfortable frame of mind for

I

my

family behind me.

Avignon very much on

lovers' meeting.

us.

good-by.

a rather hard, detached picture of

arrived at
larly

said

were leaving

After Luc's long silence and casual

formed

My

and there were

my eyes when

childhood and the security of

was sure

said

to the station,

incomprehensible tears in
It

had

was on the way

it

between

these reasons

seemed

highly insufficient and the whole trip terrified me.

But once again Luc gave

me

a surprise.

ing anxiously on the platform and

when

he saw me.

arms and gave

me

When

had

got out, he clasped

last

well. I'm glad

said, after a

in his

you came."

look at his face.

He was

seen him, in Paris.

"There's no reason

why we

should stay at Avignon,

you know," he reassured me. "We'll go have

the sea.

me

and considerably more handsome than when

slim, tan
I

beamed with joy

a light kiss.

"You look marvelously

"You, too,"

He was wait-

Wasn't

a look at

that our original purpose? Later,

can make up our minds what

we want to

do."

we

"

A Certain
His car was in front of the

and

in the back,

off

we

Smile

He threw my bag

station.

started.

67
completely dazed

I felt

remembered him as so attractive or so gay. The road was lovely,

with plane trees on each side. Luc smoked and we drove
u
fast, top down, into the sun. I said to myself:
Here I
and, contrarily, a

am;

this

might

And

is it."

just as well

a book.

little

yet

disappointed.

hadn't

made no impression on me.

it

my poplar tree with

asked for a cigarette. He

have been under

turned to him and

smiled.

"Feeling better?
I

began

to laugh. "Yes,

only wonder

feel better. I

what I'm doing here with you."

"You're not doing anything; you're taking a drive,

smoking a cigarette and wondering whether you won't

me

be bored. Don't you want

He
gave

tion. I

then

laughed a

little,

with

his

mouth on mine, and

drove along, holding hands.

through and through, and

past

the shoulders and

There was no better means of recogni-

a kiss.

we

you?"

me by

stopped the car, took

me

to kiss

two months with

into a grief

had been living for the

strangers

did not share.

He knew me

who had

Now

life

settled

seemed

down
to

be

slowly beginning again.

The

sea

was truly amazing. For

that Francoise could be there and

just as she

had

yellow sand,
factory.

was

second

could

tell

wished

her that,

was blue with red rocks and

and the general effect was most satissaid, it

afraid that

with a triumphal

air

Luc would

and await

point

my

it

out to

reaction,

me

which

A Certain

68

would have forced me

suitable

to

Smile

summon up

pantomime. Instead, he

we came

adjectives

and a

just flicked a finger as

into Saint-Raphael.

"There

it is."

As we

rolled slowly through the twilight, the sea

turned from blue to a pale gray.

At Cannes, Luc stopped

the car on the Croisette, in front of an enormous hotel.

The lobby
happy

until

me.

terrified
I

knew

had forgotten

that

this style

could not be
of decoration

and transformed these bellboys into human beings

who

would not frighten me by an excess of bowing and

scraping. While Luc negotiated with a superior-looking

man behind

a desk,

wished that

could sink through

He sensed my embarrassment and laid his

my shoulder to steer me to the elevator. The

the floor.

hand on

room was huge, almost white, with two French windows

opening onto a view of the sea. There was a hubbub of
porters and luggage, of closet doors and windows being
thrown open. I stood with dangling arms, annoyed with
myself for being so unexcited.
"Well, here

we

are," said

Luc.

He cast a satisfied glance around the room and leaned

over the balcony.

put

my

elbows up beside

his,

but

at a respectful distance. I didn't feel in the least like

looking at the view or being on intimate terms with a

man whom I knew so slightly. He shot me a brief glance.

"Now

you're unsociable again.

Go

take a bath and

then come back here for a drink. According to

diagnosis,

He was

my

only comfort and alcohol can cheer you."

quite right.

Once

had changed

my

dress, I

"

A Certain

Smile

69

stood leaning over the balcony beside him, with a glass

my

in

made

hand, and

agreeable remarks about the

luxury of the bathroom and the beauty of the

told

me

that

was looking

my

we

compliment in kind, and

best, I

sea.

He

returned the

looked with satisfaction

and the crowd of people

at the

palm

trees

below.

Then

he went off to change, in his turn, leaving

me

with a second

glass of

whisky, and

barefoot on the heavy carpet,

Dinner went

well.

We

humming

strolling

walked about
to myself.

spoke with tenderness and

common sense about Frangoise and Bertrand. I said

how I should hate to run into Bertrand, and Luc assured
me that we were certain to meet somebody who would
take pleasure in telling Frangoise and Bertrand the

whole

story.

No

use worrying about that until the

holidays were over.

was touched by the

should have run this risk for

my

fact that he

sake and told him so

was very sleepy. I also told him

that I liked the way he took the whole thing.
"You're wonderful, really! You make up your mind

with

yawn, because

to do something,

and you

you do it, you accept the consequences

aren't afraid."

"Why

should

be afraid?" he asked with strange

melancholy. "Bertrand won't

kill

me; Frangoise won't

You won't love me."

"But Bertrand may kill me" I said with annoyance.
"He's much too nice. Everyone's nice, for that

leave me.

matter."

"Bad people
yourself!

are even

more boring, you

told

me

so

A Certain

70
"Quite

right.

And now

it's

Smile
very

late;

come along

to

bed."

He

said this in the

most natural manner. Our con-

were anything but romantic, but

versations

along to bed" sounded a

the truth,

this

To

offhand to me.

little

"come
tell

was frightened, very much frightened of

the night to come.

put on

fingers.

my pajamas in

They were

the bathroom with trembling

rather schoolgirlish pajamas, but

When

came into the room, Luc

was already in bed. His face was turned toward the
window and he was smoking a cigarette. I slipped in
beside him and he quietly took my hand. I was shivering
they were

all

had.

all I

over.

"Take

off those pajamas, silly. You'll

rumple them.

How can you be cold on a night like this?

Are you ill?"

He took me in his arms, carefully removed my
pajamas, rolled them up in a ball and threw them on the
floor. I remarked that they would be rumpled, just the
same. He began to laugh gently. All his gestures were
incredibly gentle. Deliberately he kissed my mouth
and shoulders, and went right on

"You

smell of

warm

grass.

Do you

Otherwise we'll go somewhere

pleasant place.
I
it

Cannes

room?

is

rather a

in a strangled voice,

wishing

else.

was only when he drew

and put his hand on my hip that I

were tomorrow morning.

began to

like this

."

answered "Yes, yes,"

away from me

talking.

a little

feel stirred.

He

It

caressed me, and

neck, his body, everything

could touch of

kissed his

this

shadow

A Certain

Smile

profiled against the nocturnal sky. Finally he slipped

between mine,

his legs

back and

we

slipped

both gave a long sigh.

him and of the sky of Cannes

I

Nothing

how

remember
opened
with

mattered:

this

his eyes

my

forever?

head against

his

I fell

his

sight of
I

was

only fainted.

could anyone

When we
arm.

I lost

was dying,

didn't die,

and smiled.

hands over

Then

as well. I

surely going to die, but

else

my

fail

separated,

to

Luc

asleep immediately,

Chapter

1 HAD always been told

that

it

was very

difficult to live

with another person.

agreed, in theory but not in practice, during the brief

time

spent with Luc.

agreed because

really relaxed in his presence;

be bored. Heretofore

could never be

might

afraid he

had always been more afraid of

being bored by other people than

and

was

this reversal of roles

was of boring them,

caused me a certain amount of
I

how could it be difficult to live with someone like Luc, who said very little, never asked questions
(especially not: "What are you thinking about? "),
always looked happy to have me around and gave vent

worry. Yet

to

none of the whims of

either indifference or passion?

We had the same gait, the same habits and lived in the
all

was

make

the

same rhythm; our bodies suited each other, and

well.

had no right to regret

tremendous effort required of

his failure to

love, the effort to

and shatter the solitude of another.

friends.

We

swam

know

We were lovers and

together in the too-blue Mediter-

ranean, ate lunch almost without talking because

were dazed by the sun, and went back

72

we

to the hotel.

A Certain
Sometimes,

as I lay in his

Smile

73

arms in the moment of great

tenderness that follows love-making,

"Luc, love me,

not say
eyes,

to say:

allow us to try." But

confined myself to kissing

it;

let's try,

wanted

did

his forehead,

mouth, everything that stood out in

new

this

face, the sensitive face that the lips discover after the

eyes.

had never loved a face so much.

loved even his

cheeks, although cheeks had always seemed to

me

most lifeless and

pressed

my

fish-like part of

anyone's face.

which had

face against Luc's cool cheeks,

suspicion of beard to roughen them.

the

just a

understood

why

Proust had written at such length about those of

And

Albertine.

own

Luc, in turn, made

body, talking of

indecency, as

if

it

with

me

interest,

my

but without

some precious object were under

dis-

Yet sensuality was not the keynote of our

cussion.
relations;

was something quite

it

different:

cruel alliance against the weariness of

and

rediscover

rhetoric, against

After dinner

we

a sort of

sham and pretense

plain weariness.

always went to the same bar, a

shady spot back of the Rue d'Antibes.

slightly

small orchestra, and the

first

time

asked for Lone and Sweet, a song

we went
I

It

had a

there

Luc

had mentioned to

him.
"That's what you

like, isn't it?"

he asked trium-

phantly.

"Yes,

how

"Does
I

it

remind you of Bertrand?"

said that

now in the

thoughtful of you."

it

did, a little, that

juke boxes.

it

had been for some time

He seemed annoyed.

"

"

A Certain

74
"Too

Smile

bad. But we'll find something else."

"Why?"
"Well,

when you have an

affair,

a certain tune, a certain scent

you want

to choose

and other such landmarks,

for future memories."

I

must have had an odd expression, for he began

to

laugh.

"No young

person thinks about the future. But I'm

building up an agreeable old age for myself, with the

aid of records."

"Do you have

quite a lot of them?

"No."

"Too

bad,"

said angrily. "If I

were your

age, I'd

have a whole collection."

my

Cautiously he took

hand.

"Hurt your feelings?

"No," I said wearily. "But it's a little strange to
think that, in a year or two, a whole week of your life,
a living week, spent with a man, will amount to no more
than a record. Especially

if

the

man

has proclaimed the

fact in advance."

To my

my

great irritation,

was

eyes. It

"Hurt your

all

could feel tears well up in

because of the

feelings?"

certain tone of voice,

"Aside from

way

he had asked:

When

people spoke to

always

felt like wailing.

that,

my

Luc,

"let's

me

feelings aren't hurt,"

in a

said

nervously.

"Come,"

said

He took me

in his

dance."

arms and

we danced

to Bertrand's

tune, which, actually, the orchestra here didn't play

A Certain

Smile

75

nearly as effectively as the recording.

As we danced,

Luc suddenly held me very tight, with what is probably

called desperate tenderness,

the same desperation.

and

we

Then he
forced

it

we went we

everywhere

Apart from

intelligence

and

stability

We found a tune of

upon

us,

because

it.

behaved very well.

little affair

admired Luc;

clung to him with

itself

this slight set-to, I

was gay and found our

then,

heard

slackened his embrace

talked about other things.

our own, or rather

And

and

entirely successful.

couldn't help admiring his

and the masculine

way

he had

of seeing things in their true proportions, without either

now and then I

out and say: "Look here, why don't
should feel so much more peaceful.

cynicism or indulgence. But every

wanted to break

you love me?

Why

not put up that pane of glass called passion

between us?

It

may

distort things at times,

wonderfully convenient." But no,

but

we were two

it's

of a

kind, allies and accomplices. In terms of grammar, I

could not become the object, or he the subject.

He had

neither the capacity nor the desire to define our roles

in

any such way.

The week which he had staked out for us to spend

together was gone, but Luc said nothing about going
away.

We

were very

tan,

and our faces were drawn

with lack of sleep from nights spent talking and drinking in the bar until

dawn came up white over an

A Certain

j6

inhumanly

where

silent sea

Smile

all

the boats were riding at

anchor, while the maddest and most exclusive sea gulls

were dozing under the eaves of the hotel. In the lobby,

the same sleepy elevator boy was there to greet us, and

me in his arms to make love in a state

fatigue. Then we would wake up the follow-

Luc would
of dizzy

take

swim in the sea.

That morning which should have been the last
thought he loved me. He wandered about the room with

ing noon to go

an intriguingly reticent

"What

you

did

air.

When

your family?

tell

did

you

say you'd be back?"

week."

"I said in about a

"We can stay another week here,

"I

"Yes
I

if

cruise,

of this big hotel.

sleepless.

We

hadn't really faced the neces-

My

going away.

on an ocean

whole

amid the

With Luc,

should

drift

toward death, continuing

temporary

like."

said.

realized that so far

sity of

you

if

all

life

was

to slip by, as

easily accepted comforts

all

my

nights

would be

toward winter,

slowly

the while to talk about a

situation.

"I thought Francoise

"That can be

fixed,"

was expecting you."

he

said. "I don't feel like leaving

Cannes. Neither Cannes nor you."

"Neither do

I," I

echoed in the same

quiet, restrained

voice.

Yes, the same voice. For a second

loved

me and

that these

didn't

were

just

want

to say so.

fancied that he

Then I remembered

words, part of the rhetoric which

A Certain
we had rejected,

together.

was quite enough.

week

another
I

and

77

He was fond of me,

and that

We were simply allowing ourselves

of having a very

must leave him. Leave him.

for what?

Smile

To return
At

to

my

good
.

time. After that,

Why?for whom?

old loneliness and

when Luc

boredom

saw
him, and when he spoke I wanted to understand what
he was saying. He took me out of myself and made me
care for him and his happiness. For him, for Luc, my
instability?

least

looked at me,

lover.
"It's a
I

good

idea,"

continued. "As a matter of fact,

hadn't really thought about our going away."

"You never think about anything," he said, laughing.

"Not when I'm with you."
"Why? Do you feel young and irresponsible?"

He

looked at

me

with a

had taken him up on the

slight

"little girl

aspect of our relationship, he

in

no time

flat.

Adult and

"No,"

Fortunately

smile. If I

and sugar-daddy"

would have demolished it

was feeling entirely adult.

blase.

replied* "I feel absolutely responsible.

responsible for what?

enough.

mocking

can handle

My
it.

own

life?

It's

But

malleable

I'm not unhappy. I'm con-

tented. I'm not even happy. I'm just nothing, except

that

when I'm with you."

said Luc. "And I feel exactly

feel exactly right

"That's perfect,"

right

with you."

"Then

He

let's

began

"You

purr."

to laugh.

spit like a cat as

soon

as

anyone takes away

A Certain

78

Smile

your daily dose of absurdity and

about making you 'purr/

despair.

don't care

Or about your being blissfully

happy. That would be a bore."

"Why?"
"Because

I'd

me

frightens

be lonely. That's the one thing that

about Francoise to have her beside me,

not opening her mouth and perfectly happy.

Of course,

from

it's

a masculine

and

social point of view,

fying accomplishment to make a

if

woman

a satis-

happy, even

you don't know why."

"Then

it's

a perfect balance,"

have Francoise to make happy and

when
I

this little jaunt

is

said abruptly.

"You

me to make unhappy,

over."

had no sooner said these words than

regretted

them.

"You, unhappy?" he echoed, turning toward me.

"No,"
that's

answered, with a smile. "Just

all. I'll

have to find somebody

else to take care

of me, and no one will ever be as good at

"When

the time comes,

don't

at loose ends,

it

want

as

you."

to be told

Then he changed his mind.

"Yes, I do want to be told. You must tell me everything.

about

If

it,"

he said angrily.

the fellow's unpleasant,

Otherwise,

I'll

I'll

give

him

a thrashing.

speak well of him. In fact,

I'll

behave

like a real father."

He

took

my hand,

turned

tender kiss on the palm.

I laid

it

over and planted a long,

my other hand on the nape

of his neck as he bent down. This

man who had

sug-

gested a short-lived, unsentimental adventure was, at

"

A Certain

Smile

79

bottom, young and vulnerable and good. Above

all,

he was honest.

"We're fundamentally honest," I said sententiously.

"Yes," he said, "but don't smoke your cigarette like
that,

to pass for being respectable or

you want

if

honest!"
I

drew myself up

in

my

polka dot dressing gown.

"How can I be called an honest woman? " I exclaimed.

"What am

doing rigged out like a streetwalker, with

another woman's spouse in this decadent hotel?

not a typically vicious

little existentialist girl

Am I

from one

of the cafes around Saint-Germain-des-Pres, the kind

up

that breaks

mind on

a marriage

it?"

"And what

about me?" Luc joined

away by lust, when

husband, carried

came upon him

nose

...

without even putting her

by the nose,

in.

"The model

the dangerous age

the solid citizen led around

I tell

by

the

Come to me, darling!

you

"Nothing doing! All I'm after is your money! Having

roused your lustful desire,

refuse to appease

it!

There! Take that!"

He

sank onto the bed, holding his head between his

hands, and

solemnly

raised his head

sat

down

beside him.

When

he

stared hard at him.

"I'm a vamp!"

"And what am I?"

"An outcast! The wreck of what was once a man!

Oh, Luc, one more week!"

I

flung myself

down

beside

him and mingled

his hair

A Certain

80

He

with mine.

felt

burning hot and fresh against

cheek, with a smell of

was

alone, not

Smile

salt

water about him.

the sea. Alone with a

eleven o'clock in the

shabby

side of

it

alone, exhausted

head

off

by

without

my

September sun, no longer very

For once,

felt

and the

hadn't gone with

lack of sleep,

Luc

Yes,

only

when

yawning
couldn't

hand trembling. The

my cheek.
myself. "We

hot, caressed

we're dead tired,"

was one of those people who

at rest until they've killed off a certain

own

station

on very good terms with

feel really all right

said.

rather liked Nice, or

and feeling wonderfully well.

light a cigarette

had

hotel, facing

had a sudden urge to be alone.

was

my

between the

Promenade des Anglais. But

because

satis-

few old English ladies. It was

morning and Luc had gone to

attend to some business in Nice.

at least the

without a certain feeling of

deck chair in front of the

faction, in a

my

vitality, the part that drives

Luc

can't be

amount of

them on and

their

at the

germ of boredom, the part that

asks: "What have you done with your life? What do
you want to do?" This was a question to which I could

same time

carries the

only answer: "Nothing."

handsome young man went by and

looked him

over with an indifference that surprised me. As a rule,

or at least up to a certain point, good looks gave
feeling of discomfort.

me

They seemed to me both indecent

A Certain
and

inaccessible.

easy on the eyes

was concerned, utterly

obliterated

other

obliterate other

man was

This young

and, as far as
all

Smile

Luc

unreal.

men in my sight. But I didn't

women in his. He looked at them with

obvious pleasure, even

if

he didn't put his appraisal into

words.

Suddenly

a mist

came between me and the

sea. I felt

were choking, and when I raised a hand to my

forehead it was streaming with perspiration. The roots
as if I

of

my

hair

down my

were drenched, and a drop slipped slowly

back. Death was probably something like
and a sensation of

a bluish mist before the eyes

this:

falling

through space.

If I

had really been dying,

should not have struggled against

it.

across

my

consciousness: "I should not have struggled against

it."

caught at

this last

phrase as

it

skimmed

And yet I dearly loved a number of things:

certain scents, love-making,

Luc.

much
that

had
all

and

premonition that

right with

anyone

we were meant

my

Paris, books,

present

life

would never be

as I

so

with
very

had been with Luc,

for each other.

But

fate further

demanded that Luc should leave me and I should have to

begin

all

over with somebody

but there was no chance of

never again could

else. I

its

would, of course,

being the same thing;

possibly lose

my

loneliness, say

what I thought and enjoy such deep-seated calm. But

Luc was going back to his wife, leaving me to interminable afternoons in

my

of despair and liaisons that

ends.

boardinghouse room, to

were bound

started to cry with self-pity.

to

come

to

fits

bad

A Certain

82

Smile

Two deck-chairs

Three minutes later I blew my nose.

away, an old English lady stared

at

me, quite unmerci-

fully,

but with an interest that made

back

at her,

and for

She was

respect.

by

who

a kind of revelation.

if

stared

me

being, like myself,

stared at each other in the sunlight as

dazzled

blush.

second she inspired

human

me

with

we

and

we were

Two human

both

beings

did not speak the same language staring at each

other with mutual amazement.

limped

Then

she got

up and

leaning on her cane.

off,

Happiness has no history7

Cannes has

left

no

And

clear imprint

so this period in

on

my

mind except

few unhappy moments, Luc's laughter and

odor of summer mimosa in our room at night.

for these

the stale

Perhaps, for people like myself, happiness

is

a negative

thing, an absence of worries, an absence rilled with

trust.

At

present

was experiencing

this absence,

when I met Luc's glance,

also, at times,

at last, all

was

looking at

me

well.

He

and

the feeling that,

my burden and
knew why and wanted to

was bearing

with a smile.

smile back.

remember, from one morning,

ular exaltation.

Luc was

diving from a

raft.

board and looked

moment

of partic-

lying on the beach and

was

climbed to the highest diving

down

at

Luc, amid the crowd on the

beach, and then at the water complacently waiting for

me
it,

below.
I

was going to plunge and bury myself

was going

during
at

my

fall I

me and made

to fall

from

very great height and

should be mortally alone.

a gesture of

in

mock

terror as

Luc looked
I let

myself

A Certain

Smile

83

The sea darted up to meet me and I hurt myself

when I struck it. I swam back to shore and collapsed
go.

beside Luc, sprinkling

my

head against

his

him with

sea water; then

dry back and kissed

laid

his shoulder.

"Are you crazy ... or simply an incurable

sports-

woman?" Luc asked.

"Crazy."
"That's what

thought, with considerable pride,

When I said to myself that you were

about you.

from such

a great

height to join me,

"Are you happy?

am. At

diving

was very happy."

least, I

must

be, since

don't have to stop and ask myself the question. That's

an axiom,
I

isn't it?"

spoke without looking

out on his stomach and

at

him, for he was stretched

could see only the tanned,

firm back of his neck.

"I'm sending you back to Francoise in top-notch

condition,"

said jokingly.

"Cynic!"

"Women are notoriously cynical! Between Francoise

and myself, you're

"Now you're
"There,

men

just a little

boy."

pretentious!"

take the palm.

pretentious

woman

lends herself to ridicule. But a man's pretentiousness

gives

him

a deceptive air of virility,

in order to

which he

cultivates

."
.

"Haven't you perpetrated enough axioms by now?

Talk about the weather! During the summer holidays

no other topic

is

allowed."

A Certain

84
"It's

then

gorgeous,"

"

"perfectly gorgeous

said,

rolled over onto

Smile

And

my back and fell asleep.

When I woke up, the sky was overcast and the beach
empty. I felt exhausted and my mouth was dry. Luc
was

me,

sitting beside

and looking out

letting

all

to sea.

dressed, puffing at a cigarette

lay there for a

moment without

him know I was awake, experiencing for the

first

"What can this man be

What can any human being think about

time purely objective curiosity.

thinking about?

on an empty beach, facing an empty

one

by

who

is

sleeping? "

I felt as if

these three absences that

touched
rarely

his

arm.

showed

sea,

beside some-

he must be so crushed

held out

my

hand and

He did not even start. He never started,

surprise

and even more rarely offered

any protest or objection.

"So you're awake?" he asked
obvious reluctance.

"Four o'clock!"

"It's
I

lazily,

stretching with

four o'clock."

exclaimed, sitting up. "I've slept

for four hours."

"Don't

let that

bother you," said Luc.

"We

have

nothing to do."

These words had an ominous sound.

we had

It

was

true that

nothing to do together, no shared work, no

mutual friends.

"Do you mind?"

asked.

He turned toward me with

"I like nothing better.

a smile.

Put on your sweater, darling,

or you'll be cold. We'll go have tea at the hotel."

The

Croisette

was gloomy without the

sun,

its

old

A Certain
palm

trees

The

hotel

our room.

swaying

was
I

Smile

85

slightly in a feeble-hearted breeze.

and

asleep,

we had

tea

brought up to

down on

took a hot bath and then lay

bed beside Luc

who was

tently flicking the ashes

the

reading a book and intermit-

from

his cigarette.

We

had

drawn the blinds in order to shut out the sad sky, and
the room was dimly lit, and hot. I lay on my back
with
or a
as

my hands folded across my stomach, like a corpse

fat man, and my eyes were closed. A faint rustle

Luc turned

the pages of his

book was

all

that inter-

rupted the faraway sound of the breakers.

I

him, so close that

out

"Here

said to myself:

my

sleeps.

hand.

am, by Luc, close beside

can touch him by merely reaching

know

body,

his

He's reading, I'm a

little

at all unpleasant. Shortly, we'll

sleep together,

his voice, the

bored, and

way
it's

he
not

have dinner, then we'll

and in three days we'll say good-by.

way he is now. But

don't know whether it's

He'll probably never again be the

this

moment is

here;

it's

ours.

love or just understanding, but that doesn't matter.

We're

alone, each

one on

his

own.

He

know

doesn't

I'm thinking about us; he's reading. But we're together,

and I'm hugging both the portion of warmth and the

portion of indifference which he has given me.

we

months from now, the memory

are separated, six

of this

moment won't be

will be others, stupid

When

the one to

come back;

and purely accidental. Yet

probably the

moment

one in which

that

shall

have liked

accepted the fact that

seems: calm and heart-rending."

life

was

there
this

is

best, the
as it

now

A Certain

86
I

stretched

until

me

arm to pick up La faimlle

children's book which Luc had re-

out an

Fenouillard, a

proached

Smile

for not having read, and laughed over

Luc wanted

my

to join in

laughter.

We

it

bent

over the same page, cheek to cheek and soon mouth to

mouth; then the book

onto the floor while pleasure

fell

descended upon us and night upon the world outside.

The day of our departure came at last.

enough,

we made no mention

of

it

in the course of the

evening before, which was to be our

Our hypocrisy was

way

might give

what was on

his

Hypocritically

last

one together.

nine-tenths fear: Luc's fear that

to emotion,

mind,

fearful expectations.

my

fear that,

might actually

woke up

live

knowing
up to his

several times in the

and searched for Luc with

night, in a sort of panic,

my

head and hand, to make sure that our precious partnership in sleep

still

existed.

on the watch for such

Each

terrors

and

his

been purposefully lightened, Luc took

patted

me and murmured

there!" as

if

to

though he were

time, as

own sleep had

me in his arms,

in a strange voice:

comfort an animal.

It

was

"There,

a confused,

whispering night, heavy with warmth, somnolence and

the scent of the mimosa,

behind

us.

to leave

After that came morning, breakfast and the

moment when Luc

mine

which we were about

at the

decided to pack

his bags. I

packed

same time, talking about roads, restaurants

'

A Certain Smile
along the roads and so on.

own

was

a little

annoyed by

deceptively calm, brave voice, for

calm and brave and saw no reason

all

Actually

felt

nothing at

bewilderment. For once,

it,

since

before

it

we

was quite

my

didn't feel at

why

should.

except, perhaps, a vague

all,

we were

act for our mutual benefit, and

to

87

putting on a sort of

thought

possible that

it

wise to stick

should really suffer

good-by. Better far to retain the

finally said

gestures of restraint and decency.

"Well, we're ready," Luc said at

last. "I'll

ring for

someone to come take down the bags."

I

had

a conscientious qualm.

"Let's lean for the last time over the balcony,"

in

said

an appropriately melodramatic tone.

Luc looked
expression,

at

me

He

anxiously and then, catching

had taken

little

me

thing, a real cynic.

in his

I like

habitation, to say to someone:

"This wasn't cohabitation,"

was

that

protested laughingly.

honeymoon."

moment

and wanted

was

of co-

like you.'

'I

"All the more reason!" he exclaimed, letting

At

you."

arms in the middle of the

room and was shaking me gently.

"It's very rare, you know, after two weeks

"It

my

began to laugh.

"You're a tough

It

to hold

really felt that he

him back by the

most disagreeable

me up

go.

was leaving me

lapels of his coat.

fleeting impression.

The return journey went

way. Luc said that we would
he would ring

me

well.

drove part of the

reach Paris that night and

the next day. Soon

must have

A Certain

88

Smile

dinner with him and Frangoise, as she would be back

from the two weeks she had spent

her mother. All this seemed to

but Luc said

all I

of the

rest. I

autumn

slightly alarming,

to our trip,

my

tongue and

and he would take care

could easily imagine myself spending the

company, occasionally meeting Luc

in their

to kiss his

me

had to do was watch

make no reference

country with

in the

mouth and

sleep

with him.

had never enter-

tained the idea that he should leave Frangoise first, be-

cause he had told

cause

he'd never do

and second, be-

it

At

couldn't see treating her that way.

ment, even
that

me

if

he had offered to leave her,

that

mo-

don't believe

should have accepted.

He told me that he had a lot of work to catch up with,

but

it

didn't interest

him

particularly.

As

for me, an-

other year of study lay ahead, and the necessity of

me the
mood of

delving deeper into subjects which had bored

year before. In short,

we returned

to Paris in a

meant

that

each one of us was depressed and bored in the same

w ay

depression.

But

and therefore
to

whom

this rather pleased

felt the

same need

me;

it

to cling to the other,

he was spiritually akin.

We reached Paris very late that night.

d'ltalie I

At

the Porte

looked at Luc's weary face and reflected that

we had come out of our little adventure very well, that

Then, all of
we were civilized, reasonable adults.
.

a sudden,

had a feeling of angry humiliation.

PART THREE

A Certain

92

Luc
after. I

and

it

Smile

me up the next day or even the daydown to complications with Frangoise,

did not call

put

this

gave

me

portance.

a twofold sensation of

shame and im-

took to long walks and to thinking with

detachment and a very vague interest of the coming

academic year. Perhaps

was

that

might find something

me than
me to one

better suited to

promised to introduce

to study

Luc had

law, since

of his friends

who

was a newspaper editor. The sheer inertia which so far

had prompted me to look for sentimental compensations

now seemed to point to the possibilities of a career.

After two days,

see

Luc. Since

could no longer

was

resist

afraid to telephone,

my
I

desire to

sent

him an

which he did the

next day. He had gone to bring Frangoise back from
the country, and that was the reason why he had not
airy

note, asking

little

him

called before. His voice

to call me,

sounded

tense. I

thought that

he missed me, and for a second, just as he was telling

me so, I had

a vision of our meeting in a cafe,

would take me

in his

absurdity of these

me.

two

arms and

where he
the

insist that, after

days, he could not live without

much

of

and then allow him

to

had only to answer, without

an untruth: "Neither can

I,"

telling too

decide what was to follow. But although he really did

make an appointment to meet me

to inform

no

He

me

questions,
said:

that Frangoise

in a cafe,

it

was simply

was well and had asked

and that he was up to

his ears in

work.

"You're lovely," and kissed the palm of

my

hand.
I

found him changed perhaps because he had gone

A Certain Smile

93

back to wearing a dark suit-and altogether

desirable.

thought

how curi-

Looking
ous

it

time

at his clear-cut, tired face, I

was

that he

no longer belonged

reflected that

to

had not known

(odious word!) from our trip.

me. At the same

how

to "benefit"

talked gaily and he

answered in the same tone, but without spontaneity.

Perhaps we were both surprised that it should have
been so easy to
have

it

with someone for two weeks, to

live

go off so well, with no serious consequences.

But when he got up to leave, I felt like asking indignantly: "Where are you going? Surely you aren't going
to leave me alone!" But that is exactly what he did,
had nothing before me. I thought: "All this is
ridiculous," and shrugged my shoulders. I walked about
for an hour and went into one or two cafes in the hope

and

of seeing someone

knew, but nobody was back. I

couple of weeks with my family,

could always spend a

but

later, I
I

was

as I

to dine

with Luc and Franchise two days

decided not to go before then.

spent these

two days

reading and sleeping.

at the

their house.

my

bed,

My room felt foreign to me.Then,

on the evening of the dinner,

went to

movies or on

As

dressed carefully and

rang the

bell, I

had a moment

of fright, but Franchise opened the door and her smile

was immediately

reassuring.

knew,

as

Luc had

said,

that she could never be ridiculous or play a part out of

keeping with her natural kindliness and dignity. The

idea that her husband could be unfaithful simply never
entered her mind, or

The

if it

did she rose above

dinner was a curious

affair.

it.

Just the three of

A Certain

94
us,

and

it

went

Smile

off just as successfully as ever before.

Of course, we had drunk a good bit before sitting down

at the table. Frangoise seemed to know nothing,
although I fancied she might be looking at me a little
more attentively than usual. Luc talked to me from
time to time, with his eyes on mine, and

I felt

bound

to

answer gaily and naturally. The conversation turned

to Bertrand,

who was

to return to Paris the following

week.
"I shan't

be here,"

"Where

will

I said.

you be?" asked Luc.

"I'm probably going to spend a few days with

my

parents."

"And when

will

you be back?" This question was

from Frangoise.
"In two weeks."
I

returned her glance, a

mined not

uneasily, but deter-

trifle

to appear to avoid

As Luc went over

it.

to

the record-player, she laid her hand on mine for a

second with a pathetic

"You'll send

By

the way,

me

little

smile.

a post card,

you never did

tell

Dominique, won't you?

me how you found your

mother."

"Mother's well,"
I

I said.

"She's

."
.

stopped short because Luc had put on the song

had heard so often on the Riviera. With

thing
I

was

came back

to

a rush every-

me. Luc did not turn around, and

seized with panic.

ence between

we

What

did

this couple, the

it all

mean,

my pres-

music, Franchise's in-

dulgence, or apparent indulgence, Luc's sudden display

A Certain
of a sentimentality
1

had an almost

irresistible

down, and

sat

95

which I knew was equally deceiving?

"I like this tune," said

He

Smile

impulse to run away.

Luc

coolly.

realized that he

had no

ulterior

memory even of the sharp words

motive whatsoever, no

we had exchanged on the subject of a record collection.

The tune had haunted him and he had bought the record
simply in order to escape from
"I like

He

it,

too,"

I said.

raised his eyes to look at

remember.
ness that

He smiled
had to

at

that

with such obvious tender-

was completely

about the situation, for

falsity

if it

me

me, and then he did

stare at the floor. Francoise did noth-

ing but light a cigarette.

was no

persecution.

its

were

to

it

at sea.

seemed

There
to

me

be openly discussed each one of us

would give an objective and detached opinion.

"Are we going to the theater or not?" asked Luc,
turning to
a

new

me

to explain:

"We have an invitation to see

no reason

play. There's

why

all

three of us

shouldn't go."

"Oh, yes!"

exclaimed.

"Why

added, with an hysterical giggle:

".

not?"
.

And

nearly

Considering

how

things stand!"

Francoise took

me

to her

room

to

fit

her coats, dressier than mine. She tried

another,

first

of

one and then

swung me around and turned up the

a certain point she held

and

me with one
collars.

At

my face between the collar ends

thought, with the same stifled laughter: "I'm at

her mercy. Perhaps she's going to throttle or bite me."

But she simply smiled.

Certain Smile
96
"You look a little lost in this one."
"Quite true,"
"I

want

said,

not thinking of the coat.

you when you get back from your

to see

family's."

"Now
me

I'm in for

not to see

was

Luc

self-evident:

it!" I

again?

"No,

thought. "Is she going to ask

Can

I can't,

do

it?"

And

the answer

now."

you in hand," she went on,

"to dress you properly and open your eyes to things
that are more amusing than books and bookworms."
"Good God!" I thought. "This offer is anything but
"I've decided to take

well timed!"

"No?" she asked, as I did not rep*y. "I had a feeling

you were a little bit my daughter." She laughed as she
but benevolently. "But

said this,

"You're really too kind,"

know what

"Just leave

"Now
I'll

up

is

and

to do."

me," she

to

fond of

stressing the "too."

I said,

said,

I'm in a pretty mess,"

Frangoise

then

it

a mulish

daughter ..."

strictly intellectual

"I don't

if it's

me and wants

be able to see

Luc more

laughing.

thought. "But

to have

me

if

around,

often. Perhaps, after

ten years of marriage, she doesn't really care."

"Why

do you

like

me?"

asked.

"Because you have the same temperament

unhappy temperament that is

consolation in persons born under the
restless,

Venus,
I

like myself.

You

mentally threw up

theater.

Luc

as Luc's.

fated to find
influence of

can't escape me!

."

my hands. Then we went to the

talked and laughed; Frangoise pointed

A Certain Smile
out various people and informed

between them.
inghouse,
natural

what
for

Luc

way

When they
kissed the

my

parents' place

me of the connections
me back to my board-

palm of

in the world.

in a daze, fell asleep

took

97

my

went

to

hand

my

in the

most

room, some-

and the next day took a

on the Yonne River.

train

Chapter 2

Jlh
HE Yonne was gray and

the

boredom

quite intolerable.

The boredom was no

stemmed from the longing to be

with one particular person. After a week I went back
to Paris. My mother came to abruptly, just as I was leavlonger abstract;

ing,

and asked

that

good

it

me whether

was happy.

I said yes,

enjoyed studying law, worked hard and had

friends.

She relapsed, with a quieted conscience,

into her melancholia.

wanted

The

year before,

to confide in her, but

should have

now I had nothing to

say.

was growing older.

At the boardinghouse I found a note from Bertrand,
asking me to call him up as soon as I returned. It was

Decidedly,

obvious that he wanted an explanation for

be at

all

after

all,

sure that Catherine had held her

he was entitled to

it.

an appointment. Meanwhile

the university dining room.

98

called

couldn't

tongue and

him and we made

signed up for meals at

A Certain
At

o'clock

six

Smile

met Bertrand

Saint-Jacques, and for a

99

at the cafe

moment it seemed

on the Rue

as if

nothing

we were beginning all over. But I

reality when he got up and kissed me

had happened and

was

recalled to

solemnly on the cheek. Like a coward,

irresponsible

"You're
but with

put on

a light,

air.

much handsomer,"

said, quite sincerely,

"My

footnote addressed to myself:

a cynical

worse luck!"
"So are you," he

said briefly. "I

that Catherine has told

"What

me

want you

to

know

the whole story."

story?"

"About your

trip to the Riviera.

me

checks have led

A couple

of cross-

you were with Luc.

to think

It's

so, isn't it?"

"Yes,"

said. I

was impressed by

his behavior.

did not look furious, just calm and a

"Well, then, here

to share

to

wipe

this off the slate.

I

Luc had

I'm not the kind of

else. I still

love

But not enough

man

you enough

to suffer over

manner.
I

asked. It

foreseen,

as entering into the

Or you go on

was very

problem.

Luc and we go on

seeing him, and

we

said,

as usual.

remain good friends.

all."

course,"

tiresome. Just

had never considered Bertrand

"Either you stop seeing

"Of

did last spring. You'll have to choose."

"Choose what?"

That's

little sad.

reeled off this ultimatum in a rapid but ex-

pressionless

as

you with someone

you the way

He

it is.

He

"of course."

A Certain

oo
I

Smile

couldn't think of a thing to say. Bertrand seemed

grave and more mature;

almost admired him. But he

was nothing to me now, absolutely nothing.

hand on his.
"I'm dreadfully sorry,"

He was

silent for a

"but

I said,

my

laid

can't."

moment and looked

out the

window.
hard to take," he

"It's a little

"I hate

making you

suffer,"

said.
I

went

on,

and

was

honestly distressed.

"This

isn't

the worst part of

he

it,"

said, as if to

Once you've made up your mind,

." He
it's plain sailing. It's only when you hang on
turned to me suddenly. "You love him?"
"Of course not," I said with irritation. "There's no

himself. "You'll see.

question of love.

"Count on me

"And

ing to

Luc

think
at

We understand each other, that's all."

if

you
all;

you get

into a tight corner," he said.

will. You'll see: there's really

noth-

he's just a sad intellectual."

thought with a gust of joy of Luc's tenderness,

his

laughter.

Anyhow," he added in a sort of outburst of feeling, "I'll always stand by you, Dominique,
you know that. You made me very happy."
"Believe me.

We
against
if I

both

felt like crying,

hope and

now

it

was

were putting out from

sea. I

he because he had hoped

all

over;

a safe

because

"Good-by, Bertrand. Forgive me."

he said gently.

as

haven into a tossing

got up and brushed his forehead with a

"Go away,"

I felt

kiss.

"

A Certain
I left,

bad

to a

101

Smile

The

completely demoralized.

year had got off

start.

Catherine was waiting for

me

in

my room,

seated

on

as I came
the bed, with a tragic expression. She got up
and held out her hand. I shook it halfheartedly and

in

sat

down.

"Dominique,

want

to apologize.

Perhaps

shouldn't

think?"
have said anything to Bertrand. What do you
me such
1 admired her for having the nerve to ask
a question.

"It doesn't really matter," I said. "It

been better for

me to inform him myself,

might have

but

it

doesn't

really matter."

"Good," she
her eye

said

as she sat

with

down

There was

relief.

again on the bed.

me all about it!

I was dumb with amazement,

gleam

"Now

in

tell

then burst out laugh-

ing.

"Catherine, really! You're beyond me! First

you

dis-

forgotten-and
miss the subject of Bertrand-filed and

way you

with that out of the

pass

on to something

more juicy!"
"Don't tease me," she

me

said,

playing the child. "Let

have the story!"

"There's no story,"

weeks with someone

reasons,

it

answered dryly. "I spent two

like, on the Riviera. For various
I

ends right there."

A Certain Smile

102

"He's married?" she asked shrewdly.

"No. He's

a deaf-mute.

Now

my

must unpack

bag."

know

"I'm not worried," said Catherine. "I

me

you'll tell

"The worst
as I

opened

blues.

of

my

it."

that

it is

closet.

probably will,"

"Some day when

"Well," she continued,

tion,

thought

have the

."

about

all

that

as if it

were

a startling revela-

"I'm in love."
"

"Who is it?" I asked. "Oh, yes, the latest comer

"Well,

if

you don't want

to

know

."
.

She went right ahead, without waiting for

reply.

With angry

gestures

my things. "Why do
dered.

"Luc couldn't

Luc got

to

do with

to

proceeded to straighten

have such

silly

Anyhow,

wonBut what has

friends?"

possibly stand her.

this?

me

'this' is

my

life,

the

only one I've got."

"To make

a long story short,

love him," Catherine

concluded.

"What do you mean by

love?"

asked curiously.

know; love means thinking about a man,

going out with him, liking him better than anyone else.
"Oh,

Isn't that

"I
I

don't

about it?"

wouldn't know,"

had finished

my

the bed. Catherine

I said.

"Maybe."

tidying and

became very

sat

wearily

down on

kind.

"Dominique, dear, you're crazy. Your head's

in the

come along with

us this

clouds.

You might

just as well

evening. I'm going out with Jean-Louis, of course, and

A Certain
one of

didn't

I
I

was

do you good."

It'll

want

103

very nice fellow who's interested

his friends, a

in literature.

Smile

Luc

to telephone

seemed

tired. Life

me

to

before the next day.

like a

gloomy

with Luc at the center, more often than not

element of
help me.

He

stability.

vortex,

only

its

alone could understand and

needed him. Yes,

needed him badly.

could

demand nothing of him, yet he was vaguely responsible.

Of course he must never know. I must abide by the
game, particularly since they cut across

rules of the

down in

the rules laid

"All right,"

and

the established pattern.

I said, "let's

his literary friend.

tellect,

Catherine.

No,

go out with Jean-Bertrand

But

don't give a hoot for in-

not true, but

that's

for sad intellectuals. People

who

care only

get off scot-free get

my nerves."

on

"It's

Jean-Louis, not Jean-Bertrand," she protested.

"And what do you mean by

'get off scot-free'?

Get off

from what?"

"From
hand

all this," I

said melodramatically,

in the direction of the

ering pink and gray sky

waving

my

window, where the low-

was

a pale reflection of hell.

"This won't do," said Catherine anxiously, and she

took

my

she

all,

arm

was

as she

good

guided

me down

the

stairs.

After

friend.

Jean-Louis was good looking, in a slightly suspect

but not

was

at all disagreeable

subtler and

characterized

which were

manner. But

more amusing. His

by an

acid perversity

his friend

Alain

intelligence

and

totally lacking in Bertrand.

We

was

elasticity,

soon

left

A Certain

04

Catherine and her admirer,

in a

way

that

Alain took

Smile

who

was sadly out of

me home,

displayed their passion

place, at least in a cafe.

talking along the

way

about

whom I hadn't given a

He was neither repulsive

Stendhal and other writers to

two years.
nor handsome; he was just nothing. I took up his suggestion to lunch together two days later, hoping that
Luc would not be free on the same day. As usual, everything converged upon Luc; the course of events dethought in the

last

pended on him, and not on me.

Chapter 3

1 N short,
Luc and
the

first

and

was

in love

with

stated the fact to myself quite definitely

night that

the quays.

with

spent with him again, in a hotel on

He was lying on his back, after making love,

his eyes closed, talking to

I raised

bent over

on

me. "Kiss me," he

said,

myself on one elbow to kiss him. But as

was swept by

a feeling of nausea, together

with the hopeless conviction that

this face, this

man

And that the

unbearable pleasure, the expectancy that kept me hover-

were the only things that counted for me.

ing over his

ancy of love.
kissing him,

were indeed the

So I laid my head on

and gave

"You're sleepy," he

and lauehinor

making
"I

pleasure, the expect-

lips,

a little.

a little
said,

his shoulder,

without

moan of terror.

putting his hand on

"You're like

my back

a little animal; after

love, you're thirsty or sleepy."

was thinking how fond

105

am

of you,"

I said.

A Certain

106

"I'm fond of you, too," he

"But

if I

little

formal."

haven't seen

"I respect you,"

We

Smile
patting

said,

you for

my shoulder.

three days,

you sound

respect and love you."

said. "I

laughed together.

"Seriously,"

crossed

said abruptly, as if the idea

my mind,

"what would you do

if I

had

just

really loved

you?"
"But you really do love me,
with
"I

you

his eyes

still

mean,

you were indispensable

if

to

me,

if I

wanted

."

would bother me," he

it

that," he said,

closed.

to myself, always?

"It

find

know

said. "I certainly

shouldn't

flattering."

"And what would you

say?"

"I'd say: 'Dominique,

hm

Dominique, forgive

me.
I

sighed with

monious about
"I forgive

relief.

it;

you

"Give me a

Thank God, he

wasn't sancti-

he wouldn't say: "I told you so."

in advance,"
cigarette,

replied.

will you,"

he said

lazily.

"They're on your side of the bed."

We
I

smoked, without talking.

love him. Probably

That's

all

there

is

said to myself:

my love is just the idea

to

it,

but outside of

'I

"So

love him.'

that, there's

no

salvation."

Certainly that had occupied the whole preceding

week, ever since Luc's telephone

free

call:

"Will you be

on the night of the fifteenth?" Those words had

echoed

in

my

brain every three or four hours, in the

A Certain Smile
same cold tone

he had spoken them, causing the

as

me

balance within

107

to vacillate

between happiness and

Now I was with him, and time went slowly

suffocation.

and blankly by.

"I'll

have to be going," he

said. "It's late.

Quarter to

foe."

"Yes,"

"Is Francoise in

I said.

town?"

was going with some Belgians to

Montmartre. But all the night clubs must be closed by
now."
her

"I told

"What

will she say? Five o'clock

is

late, all right,

even for Belgians."

With

he answered:

his eyes still closed,

"When

get home,

I'll

yawn and

Belgians!' She'll turn over in

some Alka-Seltzer
go back

"Of
a

to sleep.

course.

'Oh, those

bed and answer: 'There's

in the bathroom.'

And

then

she'll

You see!"

And tomorrow

you'll have to

produce

whole rigmarole about night-club shows and the

morals of Belgians, and

"Only

few names.

and no time,

"No

"And would

."

have no

taste for telling lies,

haven't time, or strength or will. If

me

in

at all, I'd

that have

"No, not for

have loved you."

made any

difference?"

us; at least, I don't think so.

Only

have been unhappy about you, instead of quite con-

tented, as
I

time for what?"

had anything

I'd

either."

"For anything.
I

say:

am

wondered

the

way things

if this

are."

were not

a caution in regard to

A Certain

108

my

questioning of a

laid his

"I
I

my

hand on

Smile

few minutes
head in

can say everything to you.

never could

tell

founded on
are solid

only-

It's
I

wonderful

feeling.

don't really love her,

on any honest

ideal. It's

my weariness and boredom. Although those

enough

on them,

built

But he

solemn manner.

Francoise that

that our marriage isn't based

before.

bases.

God

Plenty of lasting marriages are

knows. At

they're always

least,

present."
I

raised

My
".

my head from his shoulder. "They're just

whole being protested, and

.

was about

nonsense!" But something stopped

"They're

youth?"

just

And

he gave a tender laugh.

dear, you're so

so disarming.

what? Are you having

."
.

to say:

me short.

a slight attack of

"My

poor

little

young, so disarmed. And, fortunately,

That makes me

feel easier in

my

mind."

He took me back to the boardinghouse. The next day

I

was

him and Francoise and one of their

kissed him through the window of the

to lunch with

friends.

Now I

car to say good-by. His face

distressed

was drawn and

old.

This

me a little and, for the moment, made me love

him the more.

Chapter 4

1 WOKE up in high
the next day.

went over
lighted

Then

Lack of

spirits

sleep always agreed with me.

window, drank in the Paris air and

a cigarette for which I had no real craving.
went back to bed, after a glance at the mirror,
to the

which revealed dark

interesting expression. In fact,

confidence and sympathy.

to turn the heat

my

under

circles

eyes and an

face that inspired

decided to ask the landlady

on the very next day, because she was

really carrying things too far.

"This room

is

freezing cold,"

and

said aloud,

my

voice had a hoarse, ludicrous sound.

"Dear Dominique,"

added, "you're in love, you

have a passion on your hands. That

walks, organized reading,
Just
I

calls

for treatment:

young men, a little light work.

what you need."

had to give myself

had a sense of humor,

a certain

after

all,

amount of

and

to lunch

with

my

flame.

Armed with

very well.

I felt

Apparently I flourished on passion. Besides,

credit. I

was going

this frail

detach-

ment, due to a sense of physical well-being whose

source

knew very

Francoise.

well,

jumped onto

set

out to see

moving

109

bus,

Luc and

and the con-

A Certain

Smile

ductor, under the pretext of bracing me, slipped his

arm around

my

waist. I

handed him the fare and

exchanged an understanding

man and I was a lady

ladies'

were
the

after. I

rail,

that

knew what

was a

ladies'

men

stayed on the platform and leaned against

while the bus jolted and ground the pavement

Very

below.

smile, because he

we

well,

very well, with a belt of

felt,

insomnia that stretched

all

the

way from my jaw to my

solar plexus.

When

reached the house, the stranger

who was

to

member of our party was already there, a

red-faced, stoutish man. Luc was not present;

be the fourth
curt,

Frangoise told us that he had spent most of the night

with some Belgian

clients

o'clock in the morning.

insisted

and had not got up

The way those

Belgians always

on being taken to Montmartre was so dreadfully

The fat man looked at me, and

Luc came in, looking very tired.

boring!

then

until ten

"Ah, so

it's

you, Pierre.

How

blushed. Just

goes it?"

"Weren't you expecting me?"

"Of

course

was, old man," said

irritated smile. "Isn't there

parts?

Luc with

a slightly

anything to drink in these

What's that lovely yellow

stuff in

your

glass,

Dominique?"

"A

light

whisky,"

answered. "Have you forgotten

what it looks like?"

"No," he said, sitting down on the edge of an armchair, as if it were a bench in the waiting room of a
railway station.

Then he threw

a glance at us, just the

sort of absent, indifferent glance to be expected of a

1.

A Certain
traveler.

face,

There was a

Smile

childishly stubborn look

on

his

and Frangoise could not help laughing.

"Poor Luc, you look almost

Anyhow, my
this.

1 1

trand.

tell

Bertrand that he

she explained
I

badly

never conspired to toss the

to tell Ber-

we

back and forth between

ball

us in her presence.

Even when we were

strangely enough,

we

who

."

Luc. Thank goodness,

at

all

what she was going

had not looked

beloved child

Dominique.

as

dear child, I'm going to put a stop to

I'm going to

And

as

talked of her as

alone together,
if

she were a

gave us some cause for anxiety.

"That kind of carousing doesn't agree with anyone,"

said the stoutish

man, and

probably he had seen us

realized

at

all

of a sudden that

Cannes and made a good

guess about the night before. This explained the crusty

look he had given

me when we

met, his curt manner

and the undertones of what he was saying. Then

remembered

that

we had

seen him at Cannes and that

Luc had pointed him out

interested in Frangoise.

someone

as

who had

been

He must be shocked and perhaps

gossipy as well, devoted to the same principles as

Catherine: never conceal anything from your friends,

do them a good turn, don't

If

anyone take them

let

Frangoise were to find out,

if

in.

she were to look at

me

with contempt and anger, sentiments so foreign to her,

which

really didn't deserve

what would

do then?

"Let's go have lunch," said Frangoise. "I'm starved."

We set out on foot for a restaurant near by. Frangoise

took

my arm, and the men followed.

"It's

very mild," she

said. "I

adore the autumn."

A Certain

iiz

God knows why,

roused a

memory

this

Smile

sentence quite irrelevantly

room

of the hotel

at

Cannes, of Luc

"Go take a bath and then

drink." He said that on the first

saying from the window:

come back here

day,

when

for a

was

at ease,

ill

but then there were fifteen

others to come, fifteen days and nights with Luc.

That was what

world

moment, and

at the present

if I

had known,

If I

on the

had happened,

No,

would have been the same way.

it

"Happiness very

desire that called it."

just the night before,

of longing for it,

should probably

had known

Proust has a sentence about that:

rarely alights

desired above everything else in the

never have a second chance.

even

found myself

coincidence had given

me

when

And

yet this

after a

week

close to Luc's face. This

a feeling of nausea,

due

my normal
existence, a void caused by the feeling that my life and

perhaps to the sudden

filling

of the void of

were not completely one. At

trary,

that

moment, on the con-

had the impression of complete unity and

culmination.

"Francoise!" called Pierre from behind us.

We

turned around and changed partners.

found

myself walking ahead with Luc, keeping step with him

The same thought must

threw me a questioning,

along the russet-colored avenue.

have occurred to him, for he

almost brutal glance.

"There you

He
from

are,"

shrugged
his pocket,

I said.

his shoulders sadly,

lit it

and handed

it

took a cigarette
to me.

anything disturbed him, he could always

Whenever

fall

back on

A Certain

Smile

1 1

he had really no mannerisms or

cigarette, although

nervous habits of any kind.

"He knows ...

all

said, jerking his

about us/' he

head back to indicate Pierre. But he said

almost thoughtfully, with no apparent fear.
"Is

it

serious?"

"He won't be

it

quietly,

asked.

able to resist this chance to 'console'

Francoise. But in this case, the 'consolation' isn't likely

to

go too
I

far."

admired

"He's

his

masculine smugness.

harmless

idiot,"

Franchise's professor friends.

Luc added,
Do you know

"one

of

the kind

mean?
I did.

Luc went on.

"All that bothers

fact that

it's

you

me is the hurt to Francoise

The

."
.

"I quite see."

"It

would bother me

for you, too,

if

to hold it against you. Frangoise can do

Frangoise were

you a lot of good.

She's a very sure friend."

"I haven't a sure friend,"

said ruefully. "I

have

nothing sure."

"Sad?" he asked, taking my hand.

For a moment I was touched by this gesture and the
risk it apparently involved, then sadness overpowered
me. Yes,

we were

walking, hand in hand, under

Franchise's very eye, but she

knew Luc

for exactly

what he was, a tired man. Probably she thought that if

he had anything on his conscience, he wouldn't give
himself so easily away. No, the risk was actually very

A Certain

114

Luc was fundamentally

small.
his

Smile
indifferent. I squeezed

hand. Yes, this was Luc, and

The fact that

more.

"this" filled

Luc was

all

this,

nothing

my days never failed

to astonish me.

"No, not

sad,"

replied. "Just nothing."

him

was lying, that the truth

was I needed him. But when I was with him, all this
seemed unreal. There was nothing, nothing beyond
I lied. I

wanted

fifteen days,
left

behind.

to tell

and the imaginings and regrets they had

Why should I be so cruelly torn?

That was

thought with contempt.

love's sorrowful mystery, I

was angry with myself, because I knew I was sufficiently

strong and free to have an affair that was happy.

Lunch

He

was handsome, and

want

to give

ahead.

Looking

lasted a long time.

him up.

When we

intelligent,

made vague

at

and

me to see

days. Luc's

would ring me,

somebody or other.

name weighed

he would see

when, for he was up

was

gentle.

stood quite

unable to take it

all in. I

saw Luc twice

Once

at a

knew

in the

still

with plans

Finally he

everything and that

but he didn't

to his ears in

know

work. His voice

middle of the room,

was to have dinner with Alain, but

he could do nothing for me.

I

upon me.

me as soon as he could,

just

too,

this silence lasted ten

heavily

rang up to say that Francoise

tired. I didn't

would ring me

separated he said he

Neither of them did ring, and

upset me.

plans for the winter

up. Francoise said she

to take

Luc

in the

I felt

bankrupt, done for.

two weeks

that followed.

bar on the Quai Voltaire, once in a hotel room

where we found nothing

to say to each other, either

A Certain

Smile

before or after. Things had a horrid taste of ashes.

is

always curious to see to what extent

romantic conventions.

not cut out to be the gay

man.
at

any

loved him.

realized that

ratifies

life

was

definitely

accomplice of a married

little

should have thought of

it

before, or

rate foreseen that love could be this insatiability,

this obsession. I tried to laugh,

He

but he did not respond.

were

talked gently, tenderly to me, as though he

Francoise had taken

going to die

He

asked

me what I was

reading. But

very hard indeed.

was working,
book or went to a movie

doing.

never opened a

it

said

without looking ahead to the moment

talk to

one of

It

him about

it.

his friends. I

between

us,

when

could

Often the writer or director was

attempted desperately to find links

other links besides the rather sordid grief

we had inflicted upon Francoise. There was none to be

found, although we never thought about remorse. I
." That would have been
couldn't say: "Remember
.

cheating. Besides, the effect

would have been

to scare

him

saw, or fancied

saw, his

car

off. I
all

couldn't say that

over town, that

telephone

in,

at the

my

all this

entitled to nothing.

finishing, that I fever-

landlady for messages

that everything

same time

reminded

me

when

But nothing,

of him, and that

made me very angry.

at that

was

moment, meant

all

that unbearable

told

him the whole

his face,

and hands, and tender voice,

past

I lost

weight every day.

Alain was kind, and one day

story.

repeatedly started to dial his

number without ever

ishly inquired of

came

We walked for miles, and he discussed my passion

A Certain

were

as if it

a literary subject, thus helping

in the proper perspective

"Just the same,

"In

and make the salutary

it

effort

you know it will be over some day/' he

a year, you'll be joking about it."

want

I said.

to,"

"I'm defending not only

we were

myself, but everything

we knew,

to see

months or

six

don't

me

my thoughts into words.

of putting

said.

Smile

together: the Cannes

our secret laughter and understanding."

"But that shouldn't prevent your knowing that some

day

will have lost

it

know

"I

future.

but

it,

Today,

this

all

importance to you."

can't feel

it. I

don't care about the

minute, nothing else matters."

We kept on walking. He took me back to the boardinghouse and shook

asked the landlady

and

said no. I lay

my hand gravely. When I went in I

if

Mr. Luc H. had

called.

She smiled

down on my bed and thought

about

Cannes.
I

me

said to myself:
a

time

"Luc

doesn't love me," and that gave

twinge of pain in the region of the heart. Every

I

repeated this simple sentence, the pain came

Then it seemed
forward. The very fact

back, sometimes just as sharp as before.

to

me

that

that this

had made a step

little

pain

was

at

my

orders, ready to appear

promptly, armed to the teeth, as soon as

it,

made me

think that

had

it

under

my

only to say: "Luc doesn't love me," and

ing thing happened. But even
control over

during a

it, I

No

with the

more than

chose to

control.
this

call

had

bewilder-

did have a measure of

could not prevent

class or a meal,

and hurt me.

if I

its

full

sudden eruption,

power

to surprise

could suppress the bore-

A Certain
dom

my

of

Smile

shapeless, larval daily existence, the tired,

rainy mornings, the deadly classes, the futile conversasations.

suffered,

and told myself

analytical or ironical

way, any way

the lamentable evidence of an

The
ning.

was

inevitable happened.

suffering, in an

at all to obliterate

unhappy love.
saw Luc again one eve-

We drove through the Bois in his car and he said

he had to go for a month to America.

interesting; then the truth burst

said that

upon me.

was

month!

reached for a cigarette.

"When
he

get back, you'll have forgotten about me,"

said.

"Why should I?"

"My poor darling,
very
I

much

better.

looked

he knew.

at

you'd be so
."

He knew

wanted him for

Suddenly

better off, so

he stopped the

car.

him. His face was taut and grieved. So

exactly

longer just a man, one

if I

And

much

whom

a lover;

clung to him,

what
I

felt.

He was

had to handle with care

he was a friend

laid

no

my

as well.

cheek against

his, I

looked at the shadows of the trees and found myself

saying incredible things.

"Luc,
live

can't bear

it.

You

mustn't leave me.

can't

without you. You've got to stay here. I'm so terribly

more than I can bear."

own voice amazed me; it was

alone. It's

My

ing, indecent voice.

said to

young, supplicat-

myself the things that Luc

might have been saying: "Now, now;

soon.

Take

ri^ht

on

it

easy." But he

talking.

it'll all

be over

made no sound and

went

A Certain

1 1

check

Finally, as if to

head in

his

this

Smile

hands and gently kissed

my mouth.
."

"My poor darling," he said, "my poor sweet.

There was

me

occurred to

emotion in

real

together:

my

flow of words, he took

his voice.

"The time

Two

thoughts

has come," and:

much to be pitied." I began to cry against his

Time was going by, and soon he would take me

"I'm very
coat.

home, exhausted.
before

knew

was allowing

this to

happen, and

he would be gone. Something in

it

me

rebelled.

"No,"

I said,

"no."

kept clinging,

wanted

to melt into him, to dis-

appear.
"I'll call

you up.

was saying. "I'm

I'll

sorry,

see

you again before

Dominique, I'm sorry.

been so happy with you. You'll get over

makes everything

pass. I'd give

He made

a helpless gesture.

"To

me?"

love

anything to

go," he

this.

I've

Time

."
.

asked.

"Yes."

His cheek was

soft

and hot from

my

tears. I

wasn't

going to see him for a month, and he didn't love me.

How strange was despair, and how strange the recovery

He

me home, and I stopped crying. I was

completely done in. He called me up the next day and
the day after. The day he left I was in bed with grippe

from

it!

and he came

Luc

me

kissed

a letter.

took

to say good-by. Alain

me on

had dropped

in,

and

the cheek, with the promise to write

Chapter

s.OMETIMES

woke up

dry-mouthed, in the middle of the night, and before

completely came

to,

something whispered to

me

to

go

back to sleep, to sink back into the refuge of warmth and

unconsciousness. But already
"It's just that

stand, drink

I'm thirsty;

some

w ater
r

I'll

was saying

to myself:

get up, go to the wash-

and then sleep again." But

when I was up, when I saw myself, vaguely reflected

by a street lamp, in the mirror, when tepid water ran
down my throat, I hurried back to bed, shivering. Once
I

lay

flat

on

my

stomach, with

in a

and

love for
fit

head between

my

my

body flat against the bed, as if

Luc were a warm, deadly animal, which

arms, and pressed

my

my

of rebellion

could crush between the sheet

my skin.

Then

the battle began.

Memory and

were ferocious enemies. There was Luc's

imagination

face, Cannes,

what had been, what might have been. And, without

cease, the revolt of my body, which needed sleep; of
my intelligence, which was sickened by the whole per119

A Certain

20

formance.

"This

sat bolt

upright and drew up

me, Dominique,

is

Smile

love Luc,

my accounts:

who

doesn't love

me. Unrequited love, inevitable sorrow. Break

I

it

"

up

imagined means of breaking definitely with Luc, for

by means

instance,

of a well-turned, noble letter, ex-

plaining that everything

me

ested

was

only in so far as

its

over.

But

this letter inter-

polished style and nobility

Luc back to me. I no sooner saw

from him by this cruel means than I

of thought brought

myself separated

began to imagine a reconciliation.

All you need to do

react, fight back, as people say.

is

But for whose benefit?

or even in myself.

else,

I
I

wasn't interested in anyone

didn't interest myself except

in relation to Luc.

Catherine, Alain, the streets; the

kissed

me

at a party,

Sorbonne,

rain,

whom

cafes,

refused to see again.

The

post cards from America.

loathed America. Boredom.

Luc had been gone

young man who

Would

all this

for over a month.

He

ever end?

had written

me a sad, tender little note, which I knew by heart.

One thing cheered me: my intelligence, which had
opposed

my

passion unequivocally, laughing at

me, and giving

rise to

it

and

strenuous mental debate, began

my ally. I no longer said to mynonsense," but: "How can I limit

to play a subtler role, as

"Let's stop this

self:

the

damage?" Nights were

ness,

still

but reading made the days

the case of

flv

by.

"Luc and Dominique,"

which did not eliminate

when

bogged down
I

in sad-

pondered over

in clinical fashion,

certain unbearable

moments

stopped short on the sidewalk and a familiar

A Certain
sensation penetrated

and anger.

my

would go

Smile

being, filling

to a cate,

me

with disgust

put twenty francs into

the juke box and treat myself to five minutes of mel-

by Luc's tune. Alain came to detest

knew every note, I remembered the

ancholy, brought on
the song. But

scent of the mimosa; in short,

had

my money's worth

and disliked myself intensely.

"There, old thing," said Alain patiently, "there!"
I

the

much care to be called

moment it was cheering.
didn't

"You're good to me,"

"No," he

said.

"old thing," but at

said to Alain.

"I'm just using you.

I'll

write

my thesis

on passion."

But

me

this

that

music gave

needed Luc.

was connected with

arated

from

being,

my

it.

my love and

In him

friend,

me one certainty. It convinced

I knew very well that this need

could

still

at the

dissociate the

and the object of

enemy. The worst of

it

was

that

same time sep-

my

human

passion, the

couldn't underrate

who respond inadewhen I said to myself:

him, as one usually can people

quately.

There were

"Poor Luc, what

nuisance!"

And

also times

burden

should be to him, what a

despised myself for not having re-

mained lighthearted. That might have attached him

to

me, out of sheer pique. But Luc didn't know what pique
was.

He

wasn't an enemy; he was just Luc.

away from it.

One day as I started

couldn't

get

landlady handed

me

off at

two

o'clock to a

the telephone receiver.

didn't quicken, because

knew Luc was

class,

My

still

the

heart

away.

A Certain Smile

122
Instantly

recognized the low,

hesitant

voice

of

Francoise.

"Dominique?"
"Yes."

The

was dead still.

"Dominique, I wanted to telephone you before
Will you come to see me, just the same?"

"Of

staircase

course,"

degree that

it

I said,

And she
her voice.

I'll

rang
It

my

voice to such a

must have sounded unduly formal.

"Will you come

"Certainly.

controlling

this.

at six this

evening?"

be there."

off. I

was upset and glad

to have heard

brought back memories of the week end

at Bertrand's mother's, the car, a series of restaurant

lunches and the settings in which

together.

we had moved

Chapter 6

DIDN'T

go

to

my

class

but walked about the streets wondering what Frangoise

would have to say. In keeping with the classical reac-

had suffered too much for anyone to

It was drizzling at six o'clock, and the

tion, I felt that I

bear

me

ill

were wet and shiny in the lamplight,

streets

backs of
house

will.

As

seals.

saw myself

like the

entered the hall of the apartment

in a mirror.

and had the vague hope that

might

and Luc would come to sob at

was wet, and I had a hunted

had grown very

thin,

seriously

fall

my

deathbed.

My

air;

no doubt

arouse Franchise's never-failing kindness.

ill

hair

should

lingered

there for a second, looking into the glass. Perhaps

could have played

it

a diff erent

But how could

sessed for once

sion?
I

could have kept

Luc on the
have schemed, when I was pos-

Franchise's affection and

side.

way;

by such

schemed to

see

a pure, unarmed, absolute pas-

My own capacity for love had quite dazzled me.

forgot that

it

meant nothing,

really,

except an op-

portunity to suffer.
Francoise opened the door with the ghost of a smile

and a mildly
walked

terrified air. I

in.
123

took off

my

raincoat as

A Certain

124

"How are you?" I

Smile

asked.

"Very well," she answered. "Won't you sit down?"

The intimate manner which had come to exist among
the three of us

was gone.

me, visibly surprised by

This made

me

feel

sat

my

down and

she looked at

lamentable appearance.

very sorry for myself.

"Will you have something to drink?"

"With

pleasure."

Quite as a matter of course, she handed

of whisky.

had forgotten the

my

a different proposition in

me had come in very

desperate, yet

my

very

Yes,

life

a glass

was

quite

bleak living quarters and

And

the university dining room.

had given

taste.

me

the russet coat they

handy.

I felt

tense and

state of nerves lent

me

self-

assurance.

"Well, here
raised

we

are,"

I said.

my eyes to look at Francoise, who was sitting

on a sofa directly across from me and staring at me without speaking.

We

could

traneous subject, and

go

still

when

talk

on some quite ex-

the time

came for me

could say with a slightly embarrassed

air:

"I

to

hope

you don't hold it too much against me." It all depended

on me. I had only to start talking before our silence
became a double acknowledgment of what stood between us. But I did not say a word. At last I was living
through a really significant moment.
"I

meant

"because
to think
"I

to call

Luc

told

you were

meant

you up before

me

to

do

it.

this," she said finally,

And

then

alone, here in the city.

to call you, too,"

answered.

it

worried

However

me
."

A Certain Smile

25

"Why?"
was about to say: "To apologize," but the term
seemed too feeble. I began to speak the truth.
I

"Because

And

wanted

then because

thought ..."

"You

because

worried

it

made

to,

was

me

really lonely.

to think that

vague gesture.

don't look well," she said gently.

"Exactly,"

been able

said angrily. "If I'd

have come to see you; you'd have made

me

I'd

have stretched out on your rug and

let

me

up.

You were

the one person that

whom I

yet the only one to

I

you

eat steaks,

you cheer
knew how, and

couldn't turn."

My glass shook

trembled.

to, I'd

in

my

hand. Francoise's

gaze had become unbearable.

"It

was

all

very

She took the

and

sat

down

was

"I

unpleasant,"

said apologetically.

away from me,

glass

set it

on the

table

again.

jealous," she

murmured.

"I

was physically

jealous of you."
I

looked at her.

that.

knew perfectly well

what happened between you and Luc was noth-

"It

that

had expected anything but

was

silly

of me," she said. "I

ing serious."

Seeing

my

apology, for which

"I

mean

now

quick gesture of

gave her credit.

that unfaithfulness of a physical kind doesn't

But I've always taken

really matter.
larly

made

expression, she

now

that

hard, and particu-

."
.

She seemed to be in pain, and

she might say.

it

was

afraid of

what

A Certain

126

"Now

away her

turning

"No,"
I

that I'm

Smile

no longer so young," she went on,

head, "nor so desirable."

said.

protested.

had never thought that

this affair

have another dimension, a dimension that was

could

unknown

to me, something pathetic, no, not even pathetic, just

ordinary and sad. But then

life

knew

nothing about their

together.

"That wasn't
I

it," I said,

getting up.

went toward her and remained standing. She turned

to me, smiling a

little.

"My poor Dominique! What a mess!"

I

down

sat

hands and

wanted

beside her, with

my

my

head between

ears buzzing. I felt quite

my

empty and

to cry.

"I'm fond of you," she

said,

"very fond of you.

don't like to think you've been unhappy.

When

I first

saw you, I thought we could change your slightly

hangdog expression into something more gay. But the
attempt hasn't been very successful."

"Oh,

I've

been unhappy,

all

right," I said.

"But Luc

warned me."
I

wanted

body, to

tell

to

crumple up against her

her I wished she were

the full extent of

cry.

But

my unhappiness,

this role, too,

big,

generous

my mother, to reveal
to let myself

was beyond

my

go and

powers.

"He'll be back in another ten days," she said.

Why

did a shock go through

must

sacrifice

obstinate heart?

Luc and her imperfect hapmyself. This last idea made me

Francoise must recover

piness.

my

A Certain
smile;

was

it

portance.

Smile

a last effort to conceal

had nothing

Such

my own

to put

27

unim-

even hope.

to sacrifice, not

had only to end, or allow time

illness.

an end

bitter resignation implied a certain

to,

an

amount

of optimism.

"Later on,"

you

see

do

is

again,

"when I'm entirely over it, I'll

Francoise, and Luc too. Now all I can
I said,

wait."

She kissed me gently

at the

you again soon."

But as soon as I was home,

door and

said:

"Good-by,

see

What

bed.

threw myself upon

cold-blooded nonsense had

my

said to her?

Luc was coming; he would take me in his arms and kiss

me. Even if he didn't love me, he, Luc, would be there.
This nightmare would be over.

Luc did come back, ten days later. I knew it, because
I went past his house on a bus the day of his return and
saw his car. I went back to my room and waited for
him

me up. But he did not call, neither that day

next when I stayed in bed pretending I had

to call

nor the

the grippe, in order not to miss him.

He was there, and he did not call. After a month

a half's absence.

This shivering,

this

muffled laughter

had

last

twinge, but

suffered so

On the

third

all

much.
it

day

was
I

apathy,

this obsessed

added up to

and

Never
was the

despair.

told myself that this

a sharp one.

got up and went to the Sorbonne.

Alain began taking walks with

me

again,

listened at-

A Certain

128

Smile

what he said, and even laughed. For some

unknown reason, I was obsessed by a quotation: "Something is rotten in the state of Denmark." These words
were on my lips all the time.
tentively to

On the fifteenth day I woke up to the sound of music

in the courtyard, broadcast
radio. It

generous neighbor's

a lovely andante of Mozart's that

up dawn,

called
in

was

by

death, a certain smile.

bed for a long time, listening

to

it

always

lay motionless

and feeling rather

happy.

The

landlady called me. Someone had asked for

on the telephone. Unhurriedly

gown and went down.

it

didn't really matter.

thought

I
.

slipped

it

me

on a dressing

must be Luc, and

Something had flowed out

of me, fled.

"How
I
I

you?"

are

listened to his voice, for

happen to

feel

me

to

was

his voice.

How

did

such sweetness and calm, as though

something living and

asked

it

essential

were ebbing away?

He

have a drink with him the next day, and

"Yes, yes."

said:

went up to my room, all attention. The music was

over, and I was sorry to have missed the end. I caught
I

an unexpected glimpse of

saw myself

my

face in the mirror, and

smile. I didn't try to prevent

couldn't have

if I'd tried.

Once more, and

was

alone. Alone. Alone. Well,

was

woman who

had loved

it;

besides, I

knew

it, I

what did it matter? I

man. It was a simple

story.

THE END

A CERTAIN SMILE
By FRANgOISE SAGAN
author of Bonjour

Tristesse

Anne Green

Translated from the French by

Fran9oise Sagan's second novel, written

at twenty,

and

is

brilliant

bestseller,

an even more perceptive

book than her astonishing

Bonjour

of a love affair

Tristesse.

story

between a young

and an older married man,

more mature novel

all

is

this

girl

second,

that her de-

hope for and more.

lighted public could

When

The

Dominique, a gay, amoral young

student,

first

meets

Luc,

she

says

to

man who
seduces young girls like me." And so it
happens despite her own lover, who is
Luc's nephew, and Luc's wife, who is a
warm and gracious friend to her.
herself:

"He

is

the kind of

Through spring nights

weekends

in

and

in Paris cafes

the country, the fatal at-

traction grows, but

it is

not until late in

summer that they manage to go

away together. Then under the waning
the

September sun

of

the

Riviera,

(Continued on Flap

they

II)

^n^r^vfridr* rracrt^trec^ crfecictieunieT

work greatly superior

hailed her as a writer
of undeniable talent."

to her first

now

new
and

proved, and