THE PETER PAN SYNDROME

Two popular psychology books that have been on the self-help market for several
years are The Peter Pan Syndrome and The Wendy Dilemma, both by Dr. Dan Kiley.
While I am not a total believer in the concepts presented by the author, I think the
personality problems and resulting social problems described in these two books are of
interest.
The Peter Pan Syndrome (PPS) describes men, who are childlike in their
relationships, their ability to handle responsibilities, and their pursuit of pleasure. Hes a
man because of his age; a child because of his acts. The man wants your love, the child
your pity. The man yearns to be close, the child is afraid to be touched. If you look past
his pride, youll see his vulnerability. If you defy his boldness, youll feel his fear (p.3).
Victims of PPS appear to be emotionally stunted at an adolescent level. Their
impulses take priority over any internalized sense of right and wrong. They cope with
their problems by engaging in a great deal of primitive denial, e.g. If I dont think about
it, the problem will disappear. This attitude frequently leads to alcohol and drug abuse,
since getting high makes their problems disappear, at least as long as they are high. They
excel at blaming others for their shortcomings, and are often extremely sensitive to
rejection from others. The PPS sufferer desperately needs to belong, as he feels very,
very lonely. There seems to be an immense vacuum in his life unless he is around people,
preferably the center of attention.
The work record of a PPS client usually reveals that as a young man he tended to
have employment hassles because he procrastinated in taking care of responsibilities.
The younger PPS seems to have little internalized controls which would aid him in

initiating responsible activities on his own, before outside pressure from parents or
employers was brought to bear on him. I dont care seems to be his philosophy on life.
The older PPS victim goes to the opposite extreme. He seems to resemble, in many
aspects, the Type A personality. He tends to be a workaholic with very unrealistic
expectations of himself, his employer, and his fellow workers. Dr. Kiley believes that
guilt is pressuring the older PPS to compensate for his careless procrastination of earlier
years. I believe that, as he gets older, the PPS sufferer develops this constant desire to be
doing something as a coping mechanism for dealing with the hollow emptiness of his life.
Alcohol and drugs are other unhealthy coping mechanisms used to fill up that
psychological emptiness.
Emotions are the most difficult areas for a PPS client. Older victims say they
love or care for you, but cant seem to remember to express their love. Ironically,
although they started out as extremely sensitive children, these men often appear to be
self-centered to the point of cruelty (p. 9). At times they appear warm and caring;
however, these sentiments can be rapidly replaced with cold indifference, a change that
greatly confuses the women with whom they are involved. Dr. Kiley refers to the
emotional numbness of the PPS sufferer, stating that they have lost touch with their
emotions and simply do not know what they feel.
The typical PPS victim experienced a great deal of permissiveness in his
upbringing.

This led to a lack of self-discipline, demonstrated by laziness and

irresponsibility, along with the inability to learn how to control their emotions. They do
not know the basics of protecting themselves from lifes disappointments. As a result,
their feelings get hurt easily (p. 124).

Since they dont know how to protect their

feelings from getting hurt, the PPS client has learned to withdraw from emotional areas.
They avoid feelings, manifesting an I dont care attitude.
Because of problems stemming back to disturbed relationships with their mother,
PPS victims have a great deal of difficulty relating to women. They strive to prove their
male potency, manifesting it in macho and chauvinistic talk and attitudes. They often
will collect notches on their bedposts, having sexual intercourse with any and every
available woman. They feel potent because of their power to seduce women with their
superficially good social manners, which includes an ability to put out an almost
irresistible line of romantic blarney. One PPS sufferer I know in his early 40s stated that
he would like to go back and apologize to the first ten women he had had sex with and
give them another sample, as his sexual prowess had improved so much with time and
countless experiences.
The PPS client has a long and repeated history of taking his lovers for granted.
He feels that the love of a mate should be like the love of a mother unconditionally
positive. A wife or lover, in his eyes, is never supposed to expect more of him than he
chooses to give at the time he chooses to give it. He doesnt understand that adult love
is conditional, it involves give and take. Rather he is the taker and his wife or lover is the
giver. If a woman challenges this inequity, she is seen as a bitch who doesnt know how
good she has it (p. 125). He is very concerned about the opinions of others, especially
males, and will run out to do a good deed for others without even telling his mate where
he is going. He seems to rescue everyone else but usually stands motionless when his
mate needs help.

When reality is pushed upon him hard enough so the emotional insulation or
denial is broken through, the PPS sufferer will often call upon rage to intimidate whoever
is pushing reality upon him. This anger keeps people away from the PPS sufferers
fragile self-esteem. Unfortunately, it also keeps love, concern, and warmth away. Rage
is the wall that keeps the PPS victim isolated from close contact with others (p. 131).
PPS sufferers can benefit from psychotherapy, which helps them take a long, hard
look at themselves and their relationships with others. Dr. Kiley, in the book, gives
suggestions to help the mates, parents, friends, as well as the victims themselves. He also
wrote a second book, called The Wendy Dilemma, which describes the women who tend
to get involved with Peter Pan characters. At the end of The Peter Pan Syndrome is an
excellent annotated bibliography describing several good self-help psychology books,
many of which I recommend to the clients in my practice.