A Black Woman's Guide to

Dating with HIV

Dating is tough in general, but being a woman who is HIV-positive
presents a whole host of unique questions and issues. We answer some of
your most pressing relationship questions, from dating to marriage to
babies.

Are there dating sites for HIV-positive women?

Yes, there are a handful of dating sites that are for people with HIV or, in
some cases, another sexually transmitted infection, like herpes or
hepatitis. Plenty of sites specific to other parts of your identity make
disclosing your status easy. Its not uncommon to see profiles that begin
with I am HIV-positive and go on to list the posters other interests, as
they do on the pet-lovers personals site. Click the link to check the full
reviews of the most popular hiv positive dating sites in one place.

Do I disclose online or wait until I meet the guy

(or girl) Im interested in?
This is a personal choice, really, but many women say that disclosing on a
website is an easy way to take the fear of rejection out of meeting new
potential dates. It lets you screen out the losers who cant handle a
woman like you.

Am I required to tell my date Im HIV-positive?

You do need to come out about your status before you have oral, anal, or
vaginal sex, not for their safety as much as yours. According to the Center
for HIV Law and Policy, 36 states and two U.S. territories have HIV-specific
criminal statutes. Each of those states has reported proceedings in which
an HIV-positive person has been arrested and/or prosecuted for
consensual sex, biting, or spitting, and in some states even a hand job can
be a risky act if you havent told your sexual partner your status. A report
from the group documents 80 prosecutions in a recent two-year period,
such as that of an HIV-positive Iowa man who had used a condom (he had
to register as a sex offender and is not allowed unsupervised contact with
young children, including his nieces and nephews) and a Georgia woman
who was sentenced to eight years in prison for failing to disclose her HIVpositive status, even though two witnesses told jurors that her sexual
partner was aware of her diagnosis. Knowing the laws is important,
protecting you from prosecution even more so. Disclose first, fool around
after. These laws are outdated, prejudicial, and more harmful than

protected sex with a person with HIV, but for now you have to protect
yourself from them.

When should I tell my date I have HIV?

Look, you dont have to tell anyone about your HIV status until youre
ready emotionally or are about to engage in behavior that could put
someone at risk (such as sex). Theres no one way that works for
everyone. Some women like to come out casually between dinner and
dessert, while others mark it as a serious conversation to be had after the
first date but before things get serious. What is important to remember is
that you are not alone: You are one of the nearly 1.2 million Americans
living with HIV, according to the latest data available from the U.S.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Yes, you have a disability, but
living with HIV is like living with any other chronic disease. While you cant
transmit diabetes or fibromyalgia to a sexual partner, there are incredibly
effective ways to ensure that potential partners are never at risk of
contracting HIV from you, including treatment as prevention and proper
condom use. Just remember, theres no shame in having HIV and being
honest with a prospective date about it. If he or she balks, thats just not
the right person for you.

How do I get over my fear of rejection?

Everyone in the dating world is afraid of rejection, whether its because we
have baggage (kids, exes, trauma), we dont fit social expectations (of
age, size, appearance, cultural background), were awkward at socializing
(nerdy, shy, introverted), or have one of the myriad of other
characteristics that make us unique. Women get judged for what they look
like from the moment theyre aware of the world, so insecurity can often
be our fallback position, with or without a chronic medical condition. For
people with HIV, dating can be intimidating and fear of rejection might
keep you from disclosing your status to dates. Experts at AIDSInfoNet.org
recommend that you remember every situation is different and you dont
have to tell everybody. If you arent going to be in a situation where HIV
could be transmitted, theres no need to tell your date, but sooner or later,
in any relationship, it will be important to talk about your HIV status. The
longer you wait, the more difficult it gets, they note. For many folks, like
Greater Than AIDS ambassador Marvelyn Brown, having that conversation
is easier over the phone early in the relationship. She says that way she
hasnt invested too much energy in the relationship before finding out
whether having HIV makes her a no-go for a potential partner. Smart
advice.

If were both HIV-positive, do we still need to use

condoms?
This depends on whom you ask. Some doctors say that different strains of
HIV can be passed between two positive people, and this can make

existing treatment ineffective. Its called reinfection, it can up your viral

load, and its why many experts want you to continue using condoms
(plus they also prevent other sexually transmitted infections). But, says
Alex Garner, a program coordinator at the National Minority AIDS Council,
So many people are still confused and conflicted by [reinfection info]. If it
happens it probably happens in the first couple of years of infection, and
after that its rare.
Thats one reason that if your viral load is undetectable in each of you,
some doctors now say that you do not need to use condoms, because an
undetectable viral load means you cannot pass along HIVwhether your
sex partner is positive or not. This is fiercely debated in some circles, so
talk with your doctor for her recommendation.

What if the condom breaks?

Dont panic. If it breaks before ejaculation, have him pull out and put on a
new condom. If it breaks after ejaculation, pull out slowly and carefully,
then go take a nice soapy shower or bath. But do not douche or use an
enema; both set the stage for infection. If youre both HIV-positive, you
should both see your doctors and talk to them about possible reinfection.
If youre the only person with HIV, your partner should explain to their
doctor that they had unprotected sex with an HIV-positive person. Either
way, this info helps your physician monitor your treatment and, if needed,
order tests or medication to prevent further complications. But if this is
your spouse, partner, long-term main squeeze, or someone you plan to be
in a serious relationship with, its time to talk pre-exposure prophylaxis.

What the hell is pre-exposure prophylaxis?

In a nutshell, pre-exposure prophylaxis, or PrEP, is basically the concept
of giving an antiretroviral medication to HIV-negative women and men to
keep them from contracting HIV. Research has shown anti-HIV drugs can
reduce the risk of HIV infection in the negative partners of serodiscordant
heterosexual couples and gay male couples. (Rates for female-female
couples are so low no research has been done.) Truvada is the only drug
so far approved for PreP. It is recommended for partners of HIV-positive
people and those at high risk in other ways (sexually active gay men, sex
workers, IV drug users). The user takes the medication daily, and it helps
prevent them from getting HIV. Meanwhile, you, as the HIV-positive
person, can lower your viral load to undetectable levels, and youre doubly
safe. Health experts warn that PrEP should not be the first line of defense
against HIV infection, instead recommending regular condom use as well.
Some activists and doctors disagree.

Were engaged! Can I get a marriage license if I

have HIV?

Yes. Most states have stopped requiring blood tests for couples getting
married. Many states do require that anyone applying for a marriage
license be offered an HIV test or information on HIV, but no state requires
a premarital HIV test. If youre going to put a ring on it, you need to tell
your future spouse, but you wont have to tell the government.

How do we handle being a serodiscordant couple?

Serodiscordant simply means one of you has HIV and one of you doesnt.
Some people now call themselves part of a magnetic couple as well,
which sounds a lot less clinical. Theres very little research on how
successfully serodiscordant, or magnetic, couples cope with the
complications of HIV. According to TheBody.com, an online HIV resource
guide, Research of this nature tends to measure the most negative
aspects of positive/negative couplings, telling us primarily how HIV
complicates our lives. It tells us very little about the rewards, the
discovery of inner strengths, the emotional ties, the opportunities for
developing better communication skills, or the joy generated when a
mixed-status couple does create a happy, strong, fulfilling relationship.
What you need to know if youre part of a mixed couple is that you can
have a happy and healthy relationship, but like all relationships, it requires
work and commitment, because love does not conquer all. Many HIVpositive people fear spreading the virus to their partners, making sex
fraught with tension. Think about PreP, about condoms, about ways to be
safe sexually so this isnt your issue too. Talk about living with a person
with a disability, which HIV is. Couples might also want to see a couples
counselor who specializes in coping with HIV. Many HIV-negative partners
encounter disrespect from friends and family members when the other
partners status is revealed, which is sort of an unexpected diss for many
men. A counselor can help you work through those kinds of issues and
communicate to each other your anxieties, fears, and needs.

Can we have kids if one of us has HIV?

Yes. Read our article Everything You Need to Know About Getting
Pregnant.

My new partner has kids. How do we tell them I have

HIV?
Many parents worry that telling their kids might place a burden on the
children. Mental health professionals say the decision about whether to
tell your kids depends on many factors, including how perceptive they are
(if there are medicine containers all around, kids will ask about them), how
discreet you need to be (asking kids to keep your status a secret is a
heavy burden), and how strong you can be for them (at first some kids will
be angry or overly clingy, worried youll be dying). For most people, telling
the children is the right thing to do. Before you do, learn everything you

can about HIV. Your kids have been perfecting the why questions since
they were 2 years old; this is a moment when there will be a lot of whys
and hows. Your doctor or counselor might have ideas about groups or
advocates for children, who can also talk to the kids or be a support team
for you and the offspring as you go through the coming-out process. Then
talk in a quiet space, be honest, trust your kids to handle it, and let them
express their emotions fully (remember, kids can experience a range of
feelings, including guilt, fear, rage, and rejection). This process may take
more than one dayits the beginning of a conversation in which you
should be honest, age-appropriate, and willing to offer both answers and
assurances. Kids can impress us with their ability to understand and
assimilate information; you just need to have it ready for them. Its
important to remind them that HIV isnt AIDS but that it is a chronic
condition like asthma and a disability; use examples of their friends,
classmates, or family members to show that many of us have disabilities
and thats just a normal part of lifes diversity. After the crying and talking
is done, take them out for ice cream so they remember that this is just
another thing that your family will tackle together.