How I Got Rich by Committing

The Perfect Crime

The Secret Confessions of a R.E.N.T. P.I.R.A.T.E.

(or Bad Unscrupulous LandLord Imposter, Embezzler & Extortionist)
(aka BULLIEE)
2016 by David v. GOLIATH [a1-]

The following story is true and is repeated by numerous people every day. My name is omitted
to protect me from repercussions for obvious reasons.
I am NOT a crook! A mercenary, maybe, but definitely not a criminal, because nobody goes to
jail for what I do. I am a legitimate businessman. There are millions of people in the same profession
as me in this country alone. After all, it's a highly lucrative business.
Just like the others, I'm in it for profits, not my health or pro bono. Most of them may not be as
smart as me, that's all. I just do it a little bit differently than they do. Some people may even consider
it unethical, but that's their problem, not mine. There are no ethical requirements. That's one of the
major benefits of this business. There are really very few requirements at all. My main objective is to
do the job as effectively as I can. Higher profits proves that my ways are good business practices.
Let somebody else do the philanthropy.
The reference in the title uses the last word figuratively, not literally. For me the main
emphasis is on the word, Perfect. When people talk about the perfect crime, they are generally
referring to the facts:
1) that you can usually get away with it without a problem,
2) there is very little to no penalty for doing it,
3) nobody can actually make you stop continuing to do it even if you get caught at it,
4) and you can repeat it as much as you want without worrying about anybody looking over
your shoulder and effectively passing judgment on you.
In other words, coupling that with the additional fact that it is extremely profitable, especially
the way I do it, it really is the absolutely perfect business, bar none! You say you don't like my
methods? So sue me, hah! Many have tried; occasionally one or two have even succeeded. But so
what? When that happens I just break even in that particular case, barring court costs. That's just a
minor part of the expense of doing business. Nobody can win them all, but I don't have to win any!
Though I can't quote you actual statistics, I'd say my business has between 95 and 99% profit.
Let's see you make that kind of return doing anything else. And one other thing, the best part is that I
don't even have to risk my own money to invest with, so if you are careful, there is virtually no risk at
all. Even when I do use my own money, other people still give me theirs anyway, interest free. And
I generally get to keep the principle, too.
The only way anyone can beat that is with a drum, dum-dum.
Free Money
You've probably heard of using OPM (Other People's Money) to make money. Well, I've found
the motherlode for getting rich with it. Actually, it's not so much using it as it is taking it from them.
But what the hell, they're practically begging me to; they put it right in my pocket. I don't even have to
ask for it, just tell them how much I want, so I'd be a fool not to take it. It's so lucrative that I plow all I
can right back into the same investment. When you have a good thing going, why not compound it to
the max if you can?

It may not quite be exactly legal. Yet it's not what the laws say, but rather what you can get
away with that counts. The reason is that it's not up to law enforcement to come after me, but instead
the idiots I get it from. In other words, if those dummies don't know enough to stop me from taking it
away from them in the first place, how are they going to know how to get it back? Even if they try,
and most are too dumb to even bother, it's the law that protects me from them. How's that for irony?
One of the best parts is that, even though its technically against the law for me to keep it, the
law actually requires these dolts to give it to me! And I firmly believe in the old adage that possession
is nine tenths of the law anyway. Once I've got it, it's mine, not theirs any more. Anyone who doesn't
agree with me can just go ahead and sue me. IF they can find me! And even if they do, they are the
ones that have to follow the law, not me.
Here's an example of what I mean. The law requires me to tell them where to have me served
when they want to sue me. Do you have any idea what the penalty is for breaking that law? It's
exactly $000.00. That's not a typo; it's a big fat zero, none, nothing at all. Want to take a guess at
what the benefits are from doing it? If they can't find me, they can't sue me, so I win again!
If they do find me, they still have to serve me properly. One mistake and they have to try to
find me again. Even if they do that right, one little slip up in filing the suit and it's back to the drawing
board. And if they do everything just absolutely perfectly, then the burden of proof is on them, not me.
They have to prove I done 'em wrong. I don't have to prove anything.
Another best part is that there are hundreds of thousands to millions of them out there
champing at the bit for a chance to give me this opportunity. And they are reproducing like mad. The
more kids they have, the more lambs there'll be to shear. They're lining up for it, even ready to fight
for it sometimes. So who am I to disappoint them? The fact is that I couldn't afford to do that. I just
hold my pockets open and let them fill 'er up. Come to think of it, it's a lot better than even striking
gold, or (yuck) oil.
Then, on top of all that, there are also huge legal profits to be made as well. That's why most
people who make this kind of investment do it to begin with. But the legal gains are just a fraction of
what I earn by doing it my way. And there are also plenty of suckers out there who are willing to back
me in these ventures for a mere portion of the legal gains. They also help absorb the legal setbacks
sometimes encountered along the way, while I keep the entire main portion of the profits all to myself.
And that part is also tax free, not legally of course. But what the hell, if they ever catch on Ill just pay
that part of it back. What a set-up!
The Business of Riches
Well, by now you must be wondering what kind of business this is and how you can get into it,
too. The good news is that I'm going tell you all about it, and I do mean all. The bad news is that you
can't do it, any more than you can stop me from doing it, because you're just a diary. Do you think I'd
be stupid enough to spill the beans to you about it if you could compete with me or do anything to
interfere with my profits? Our relationship is sort of like with Superman's secret identity. Nobody
knows it but you and me, and I'm certainly not going to give it away.
The primary objective of any business is profits, and there are numerous ways of generating
them. Most require that you have a storefront and purchase some kind of inventory, store it
somewhere, hire people to sell it, collect taxes, etc., etc. What I do is a little different. I skip that
whole conversion process and go directly to the end result. I cut out the middlemen, don't fool with
that other stuff, and go right straight to the money. You could easily say that the symbol or logo for
my business is $. Once it gets into my hands, that's it. I have my profits up front in cold, hard cash,
before anybody else gets paid for anything. Then it's up to them to get it back from me, IF they can.
In the meantime, I can do whatever I want to with it while they try, like leverage it and buy some more.

You probably already know that the most lucrative legal investment in the world is real estate.
And the most profitable of all of those is apartment buildings. The greatest single expense for
practically everyone is housing. It only makes sense to go where the money is, so I don't bother with
the small stuff, but start right up there with the big one at the top.
You just buy this big box that's divided into little compartments, then let people compete over
who is going to give you the most to use each of them. You write up a contract telling them what they
have to agree to, and put anything you want to in it. Then they sign whatever you say, and give you
the biggest hunk of their income for the privilege. They all have to follow my rules, but it doesn't say
anything at all about me having to do anything. So I don't. Then they wonder why!
I really don't understand why everybody doesn't do this. It doesn't have any special
requirements; no training or knowledge or license is needed, or any kind of qualifications at all.
Anybody that wants to can do it. You don't even have to swear I do on a Bible. All you need to get
into this biz is a deed, and voila, youre a legally certified, board sanctioned LANDLORD! You get all
the benefits of being the owner, including a lot of legal exemptions and special considerations. And
what they don't give you, you can usually just take anyway without much, if any, resistance.
I just find some fat cat who's looking for a free ride to put up the biggest part of the investment
for a relatively small part of the total profits, while I clean up. In a large metropolis like this, there is a
lot more demand than there is supply, so the more units I can offer, the more money I get. And every
few months the property values increase noticeably, so I make them pay even more. In the
meantime, I just sit back and count it, because whenever my costs go up, I just pass it on to them.
After all, they've got paychecks just rolling in every month like clockwork, so why shouldn't I get my
share?
Well, that's the basic framework of the normal aspect of the business - increasing rents and
appreciation of property values with tax breaks and other benefits in abundance, all of which mean
more money to me. And I'm the boss; I can pretty much do what I want. What I say goes, and
nobody can tell me any different.
. But that's just the beginning. Here's where it really starts getting good, because there is so
much more to come that I don't even have to share with anyone. And this is the most lucrative part.
It has been said that when a man with experience meets a man with money, a common exchange
occurs. The man with the experience gets the money, and the one with the money gets the
experience. Well, that's sort of what happens here. When these people come to me with their dough,
I give them an experience to remember for their moolah.
I don't even think of them as people, but rather as animals, like stock. If God didn't want sheep
to be shorn, He wouldn't have them grow wool. By the same token, if He didn't expect renters to be
shorn, they probably wouldn't all generate income. Renters are generally called "tenants." But I
prefer to just call them "ants." Still, if you put ten of them into the same apartment, then you would
have "10 ants."
That was a joke, of course. But actually, that's really one of the objectives to achieve. The
more of them you can stuff into one unit, the more you can charge for it, regardless of the rent levels.
So I don't usually rent to a lot of singles, unless they have kids. That's kind of a reverse
discrimination that nobody seems to look for, and I've never been called on it, so don't tell anyone.

The Richest Vein

To me, renters are nothing but animals to be herded together and shorn. Then cut them loose
to grow some more "green wool," while I open the gate to herd some more in that are ready to be
sheared. They are so many of them in a big city, and you have to keep turning them over to make
room for the next new ones. It sometimes gets so tedious. I guess that's one of the greenback's
drawbacks: you have to keep putting it in your pocket. That's another joke, in case you missed it.
Offhand, you might think that I would want to hang on to my sheep for as long as I can. Most
people make the mistake of assuming that it costs more to keep replacing them. That's a common
misconception. That may be the case for most owners, but as I keep saying, I play the game a little
differently
First of all, remember that any loss of rent due to vacancy is a shared cost, not just mine alone.
Then there are three big hidden benefits to getting rid of them on a regular basis. One is that I can
collect another deposit from the new ones. Again, you're probably thinking there's no gain because
I'd be giving the departing ones theirs back. And again you'd be wrong. That's where the biggest
gain comes from.
The second is that once they have left, I no longer have to consider the rent control laws. I am
legally allowed to charge whatever I can get for the place no matter what the previous ones were
paying. So that's another way I make up for the shared loss.
And the third is yet another big gain. Just in case the ants don't decide to move on their own, I
just let the place fall apart on the inside where it doesn't show. You can't imagine how much I save in
repair expenses that way, while at the same time giving them added incentive to move of their own
volition. Then when they're finally gone, I cut costs even further by just patching over the symptoms
instead of fixing the problems. That way it'll break down sooner and help convince the next sheep to
leave.
You most likely think that there is a major flaw in this plan, because the law says that I have to
give the lambs their deposit back, right? Well, think again. The "protection" of the law is a myth. It
doesn't protect anyone from anything. It just gives them a way for recourse against me if they want to
try to pursue it. That is the whole reason that it is so lucrative.
Of course a lot of them say they are going to do it, but I know better. That's just sheep
bleating, and even though it makes noise, it's harmless, and when they get far enough away, it'll stop
soon enough. Even though they may loudly cluck and bluster while furiously flapping their feathers,
most of them don't have the guts to try. They just chicken out when they look at the mountains they
have to climb while dealing with the rest of their lives, and throw in the towel with no more than a
petty whimper.
It's a yella-bellied, lilly-livered, fraidy-cat, sissy-chicken.
Yella-bellied, lilly-livered, fraidy-cat, sissy-chicken.
Yella-bellied, lilly-livered, fraidy-cat, sissy-chicken.
Sure looks scared to me.

First of all, most people are not willing to actually go to all the trouble to do that, no matter what
they say. Then, those who are upset enough to try don't know how to do what they need to. And
then the ones that try to do it anyway with some kind of free "advice" don't know what they are doing,
or how to do it right anyway. They don't realize how much time, money, and effort it's going to cost
them to try to do it the first time. Not to mention lost wages. So when they make the inevitable
mistakes they usually make, and find out that they have to do it all over again, they generally just give
it up.

But here is the kicker. Before they can even get me into court, they have to "serve" me
properly. This is where the law works in my favor against them! Until they accomplish that little feat,
they haven't got any chance at all. So the field of backbiters really gets thinned down without me
having to do anything at all. I just sit back and let them do all the work, while I go on about my other
business under the real protection of the law. Talk about your irony!
Of course, there is always the occasional one that actually gets to go to court with me. This
happens rarely. When it does, they are compelled to let me see their evidence before the hearing
starts. Then I look for the obvious mistakes they missed, like the wife suing in her name when the
husband is the only one on the rental contract, or filing it in the wrong venue, or waiting passed the
statute of limitations, or any others. When I find those, I just point that out to the judge, and he throws
the case out. Then they still have to begin again and go through the whole ordeal all over, including
trying to relocate me again.
On the other hand, if they do happen to have their ducks in a row and I think they'll win, I just
take out a wad of hundreds and offer them most of what I took from them. If they are insistent,
maybe I'll go ahead and add the court costs and pay them before the hearing. Usually seeing the
cash waved right before their eyes wins them over. That way I don't have to even worry about a
verdict being on my record, because it just gets dismissed, and nobody can see why in the records.
Also, then I don't have to worry about some hotdog of a judge trying to make an example of me and
hitting me with the double damage penalty.
Once in a great while, someone wants to try for the penalty and won't accept just his or her
deposit back. So then I go in front of the judge and play one of my stock routines, using a heavy
accent, like "I'm just a poor immigrant being taken advantage of by these wily tenants that go around
suing landlords for profit."
Or maybe "I didn't know I broke the law, it was an accident, not on purpose. Here, let me fix it.
I'll just give them their money back right now. That'll prove my good intentions."
Or "It wasn't my fault. My manager made the mistake, not me. The tenant misunderstood.
The manager misunderstood. I'm not trying to cheat anyone. Here, let me fix it. I'll just give them
their money back right now. That'll prove my good intentions."
They always fall for that. Though I've occasionally been warned by a suspicious judge not to
let it happen again or he'll fine me the penalty, I've never yet had one that didn't buy the act and let
me off. There are so many different courthouses and judges in each one who see so many landlord
cases, that, even if I do come before the same one again, they don't recognize or remember me. So
the worst I ever come out is just having to give the plaintiff their original money back, plus a few bucks
in court costs.
And the other 99.9% who don't make it to court, or better yet don't even try, I get to keep all of
theirs free and clear. What other biz do you know of that has that kind of profit margin? That's part of
what I was talking about when I said "hidden benefits" earlier.
Getting Around Rent Control
. But what about those who won't or are just too lazy to move out on their own? Well, that's
what evictions are for. It works pretty much the same, except that I'm the aggressor here, and I know
exactly where they all live. I just handle the stubborn ones in bulk, filing against a bunch of them at a
time. This way I still get to deal with each of them on a one-to-one basis, so they can't try to gang up
on me. That's especially true of the illegals. They're so scared they won't even lift a finger to fight
back. That's one reason I try to find them to fill the apartments, because all I have to do is threaten to
report them and they run like cats being chased by a wolf. I never have to actually do that, and I'd
rather not. That way they might end up renting from me again.

There are times when I just can't be bothered wasting time going through the proper
procedure, like when there are too many to deal with at once and I don't want do all that service and
stuff. Or maybe one of the herd tries to raise its head and bellow too loudly. Then I just skip giving
them the notice altogether and go right straight to filing my claim. Its no big deal, they'll find out
about it when the sheriff comes to boot them out. Besides those dummies at the courthouse don't
really care anyway, they just want to get it over with themselves. So who's going to listen to a whining
tenant or two complain about it. Even if they do get off from some bleeding heart judge, I'll simply
sneak another in again a bit later. Let's see them luck out twice in a row, ha.
So once more, the sheep do their baaing and bleating, but most just take the easy way out,
and go. Many don't have a chance because they wait too long to respond or missed out on the
notice. The next thing they know, there is a judgment against them and the sheriff makes sure they
get out, so I don't have to bother with anything except cleaning the place up a bit for the next herds.
Sometimes, of course, some hero has to try to fight back, but usually they still lose because
they don't know what they are doing and won't spend a penny on a lawyer. But then again, even if
they do win, I don't really lose anything but court costs. Then I can just try again until I either win in
court or they get tired of fighting and move on their own. If they try to come after their deposit, I just
claim damages and counter sue them for even more. The judges all know about vindictive tenants.
Besides, how many judges do you know of that are renters and likely to empathize with sheep? Most
of them have had to deal with bad ones up close and personal before in their own properties. It's
pretty much a "can't lose" situation.
What makes it so great is that there is no government agency, no law enforcement
department, no outside organization, public or private, nobody at all that can come down on me for
doing this. Even the tenants themselves can't organize and try to do something, because they are no
longer my tenants afterwards. They have scattered to parts unknown, and they don't even know who
each other are. You may have heard about loopholes in the law. Well, a loophole is to this oversight
like a posthole is to the Grand Canyon! How long do you think it'll take to fill that gap with a shovel?
The fact is that the only ones who could do anything to stop me all work for government
agencies. That means somebody would have to move mountains before they would even consider
lifting a finger against me. Besides, I'm not dumb enough to challenge them, anyway. I make it a
point not to bring the kettle to a full boil, just up to 210 degrees or so. Those people have too many
other things to do to be bothered with me. I'm just small potatoes to them. When they're not involved
in corruption and graft, they're supposed to be busy with things like catching real criminals for
instance. Even if they really wanted to mess with me, they're slower than the seven-year itch, so I'm
not worried at all. What could they do, anyway, sue me?
In fact that actually happened once. Yep, they prosecuted me. The end result was a couple
thousand bucks in court costs and some lawyer's fees - and some serious wrist slapping, too, of
course. But when they made me sell off some properties as a penalty, I learned that I could sell them
to ME, in another name. They never even figured that one out. The main problem with that is that
keeping records is a little trickier, but no big deal. My tax man takes care of that for me.
The only way anyone can really do anything about it is by getting the legislature to change the
law. That would be about as easy as getting a sleeping brontosaurus to roll over or relocating the
Statue of Liberty. Besides, nobody knows or cares that this is going on who could even try. So
please excuse me while I make some more trips to my bank and keep filling up the gap in my
accounts. You can wait for the bureaucrats to wake up and get around to doing something about it if
you want. To me this is like the never empty pot of coffee, except that it's pure gold instead of coffee.
It's just unstoppable, and so are my riches.
Now you'll have to pardon me, because I shouldn't be sitting here writing this when I could be
out collecting more money from my new sheep. Gotta go grab some more to throw in my pile, now.
I'm getting hungry, too, so I think I'll have some mutton for lunch. See ya, bye.

RENT PIRATE(S)
Recovering and Escaping Neighborhood Tyranny from
Predators Imposing Rip-offs, Abuse of Tenants, and Embezzlement (Scams)
R E N T P I R A T E (S)
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---------------------------------.
RENT PIRATE(S)

RENT PIRATE(S)

Recovering and
Escaping
Neighborhood
Tyranny from

Recovering and
Escaping
Neighborhood
Tyranny from

Predators
Imposing
Rip-offs,
Abuse of
Tenants, and
Embezzlement
(Scams)
---------------------------------

Predators
Imposing
Rip-offs,
Abuse of
Tenants, and
Embezzlement
(Scams)
---------------------------------