JUST EAT IT

BY
LOFTY

REVEREND LOVEJOY
So Adding to the list of movies banned by the church we have Mighty Ducks 1 &
3 but not 2, which in my opinion was Estevezs finest hour,(cleans throat) so in
conclusion people..dont sin!
HOMER
Ohhh without 2 the story makes little to no sense, Americans who like icehockey, whats next girls who like other girls?
MOE
Actually Homer thanks to repugnant figures such as me, lesbianism has become
rampant throughout all states across America and whichever state we are
currently in!
HOMER
Lesbianism huh? You mean that thing where humans eat other humans?
LISA
No dad, thats cannibalism.
HOMER
Say, all this talk of lesbianism is making me hungry, who wants brunch on me?
LISA, BART, MARGE
I do, I do, me, me, me.
MOE
I do, I do.
HOMER
Sorry Moe, the car is full
MOE
Thats okay I can just walk and meet you there
HOMER
The restaurant we plan on choosing is also full
MOE

Okay, crackers it is then

HOMER
Lets see, so many options, Chinese, Afro-Caribbean, Elfin. Oooh Americanese.
LISA
Dad, they pump their food full of sugar, salt, fat and pesticides, not to mention
how they treat the animals they serve.
BART
You dont have to hard sell us Lise
HOMER
Then its settled the Simpsons are going to.brunch!

Oh better give her a little leg room

COMIC BOOK GUY
Yeah real great parking, #sarcasm

OLD WAITRESS
Hi, welcome to Willies. Can I take your order?
LISA
I refuse to eat this over-processed food which robs Mother Nature
WAITRESS
Okay, anyone not concerned about our standards that would like to order?
MARGE
Hhhmmm, Im going to try something new, how about soup with bread.
BART
Way to push the boat out Mom
WAITRESS
Very good maam and for you sir?

BART
Four cups of Joe, with extra cream and sugar. Ill take a look at the dessert menu
after.
MARGE
Mmmm, I dont like the sound of all that caffeine in a young boys body.
BART
Mom, compared to modern energy drinks, coffee is relatively caffeine-free.
HOMER
No, wonder Ive been so un-productive at work; all that coffee has been slowing
me down. From now on Im an energy drink man! Ill have one ofwhat
are they called son?
BART
Rhino Bull
HOMER
Made form real rhino-bulls, I thought they were extinct
LISA
Extinct!? There is no such thing!
HOMER
Yeah I can see why they didnt last long when they taste this zesty
LISA
Uhh if anybody wants me Ill be in the car eating crackers
HOMER
Ill have a number 3
WAITRESS
Mm-hhm
HOMER
A number 8
WAITRESS
Very good

HOMER
Two 1s

WAITRESS
Yes
HOMER
The sides from 5, 6 and 7
WAITRESS
Gotcha
HOMER
And a salad
WAITRESS
Coming right up
Waitress leaves (finally exhales a plum of cigarette smoke)
Thats it right in the lungs,
(At the next table a man is barraging two average Joe looking guys with insults,
both of whom are eating like a pig from a wide variety of plates/bowls. Drinking
hotdogs dipped on water, chopping up a pizza and sprinkling it as a topping on
another pizza. The shouting man is overweight with very muscular arms,
sporting a stopwatch and whistle, sleeveless shirt P.E teacher type)
BRAUN RONSON
Ingest! Ingest! Assimilate that protein! My own mom can eat faster than this,
COMPETITIVE EATER 1
(Lifting his tired head)
Yeah but she takes a lot of steroids,

BRAUN
I know, its tearing our family apart
(Pushing his head into a bowl of chicken)
Ill teach you to bring up repressed memories
HOMER (Taking Notice)
Hah, look at those pipsqueaks biting off more than they can chew,
BRAUN(Turning towards Homer, pointing a finger)
You think you can compete with these athletes lardo?
HOMER ( Dismissive, contemplative)
Athletes? Lardo?.....................athletes?
BRAUN (Angry as always)
Its taken years of hard work to get into competition shape, see! ( rips of his shirt
to expose a large bloated six-pack, sweating and panting)
Thats right , youre looking at the steel gullet, (point to his stomach). National
eating champ 02-08, Braun The Braun Ronson. And Im training these two
pipsqueaks to be future champs!
HOMER
Good luck, last time I checked, eating was a fat mans game.

BRAUN
Is that so? Well take a look at this. (Pulls out paper clipping from wallet of him
winning an eating contest in a speedo, visibly skinny)
Thats right, I carry paper clippings of myself in my wallet,(Shoves it in Homers
face) thats right in a speedo.
HOMER
I bet I can eat you under the table, on top of the table and maybe even under the
floor!
BRAUN
Its not about the size of the belly, its about the heart thats in it! Seriously that
stuffs real hard to eat.
(The waitress arriving with their food)
WAITRESS
Enjoy
HOMER
Well feast your eyes on this feasting
BART
Show him what you are made of Dad (Bloodshot caffeine induced buzz)
MARGE (deflated)

Just once Id like to go out for a family meal and have it not turn into an eating
contest

(Homer starts devouring everything on the table as fast as he can, while Bart
acts as a cheerleader for him, he tires himself out easily and makes quite a dent
in the food mountain before himself)
HOMER( barely conscious, slurring his words)
Now whose the sucker guy I just met?
BRAUN
You call that eating? No form, your technique is way off, you look like you havent
eaten a day in your life
HOMER (vehemently)
Two actually!
BRAUN
You wouldnt stand a chance in the big leagues, with the big boys and their
braised beef. I wouldnt train you EVEN if you paid
me..so heres my card (hands him a card
which is also an edible cracker, leaves with his two trainees
HOMER
Is that so hah?
MARGE
Hes already gone

HOMER
Is that so hah? (Shakes himself off and goes after Braun to the car park)

Braun wait up ( catching his breath) Its me lardo! From over there (points to the
diner) Listen the names Homer Jay and for my whole life eating has been more
than just a way to dull the feeling I get from not having followed my dreams or
not having stable fulfilling relationships. I express myself through enchiladas,
gluttony is my God, the food-court my synagogue. If there is an expiration date I
surpass it a recommended daily allowance- my guideline minimum amount!
What what Im trying to say is I really like eating stuff things.
Braun (stroking his chin)
I see
Homer (non-chalantly)
A lot
Braun
Clearly, You know Homer you remind me of a younger version of myself. I can tell
you got the guts but do you have the drive? The discipline!?
Homer (enthusiastic)
Sort of!
Braun
Well in that case if you are willing to put in the effort, Ill be your coach. Put her
there (shakes hand)

Homer
You wont regret this coach, can I call you coach? Coach?
Braun
Braun will do just fine
Homer
Ill text you later coach

The family is sitting in the kitchen, enjoying breakfast, Homer has his head low to
the table & is eating with his hands behind his back, and he sucks up the last
piece of bacon from his plate. (Slurping)
Homer
And done, (burps) Now to push myself that extra mile (swiping food from the rest
of the families plates, they look very annoyed)
Marge
MMmmmmm
Homer
I know, I know, but coach Braun says this is what separates the winners from the
runner-upperers. Its hard on me too you guys. (While eating someone elses
food). MMmm someone elses food.
(Marge looks through the cupboard & its a desert, empty shelves & an empty
fridge)
Sorry kids youll have to wait till later to get something to eat
(They drag themselves with slumped shoulders off to get the bus)
Internal Power Plant Day, Homer at his work station
Homer

Now its time to get down to some work (cracking his neck & fingers)
He unfolds a large baguette, it makes a click noise & he proceeds to dip it in a
cauldron of fondue, Lenny & Carl look on holding coffee

Lenny
Hey can I get a piece of that?
Homer
Sorry this is my training food
Carl
We are also training
Homer
What for?
Carl
Winter Olympics
Homer
In what field?
Carl
Eh, winter sprinting
Homer
Pffttt no way, maybe if you had of said seal clubbing

Carl & Lenny walk away disgruntled

Lenny
Winter sprinting? Sometimes I wonder why I brought you along to that improve
class
Carl
Oh like you had a choice
Lenny
Hey I have other friends
Carl
Yeah real cool story let me know when it comes out in hardback
While consuming food

Homer gets a text from Braun, it reads: Sender Coachy

Coacherson, Its the same picture of Braun in a speedo

Homer
Ewww!! Almost put me off eating ..almost
Another text. Coachy Coacherson: Sorry last message not meant for you, Homer
meet me tonight at the food court, bring pants
Homer
Ooooh pants
Internal Food Court Shopping Mall, Night. Braun is there kitted out in sweats
Braun
Glad you could make it Homer; while everyone else sleeps we eat

Braun opens a back entrance into the food court, an off duty food court worker
brings them inside, like the meeting of a secret club. Inside we see what looks
like a gym for competitive eaters

Braun
All the leftovers we can handle and free napkins
Homer
Napkins? Leftovers? Ive never heard those words before
Braun
Well how about this one.fork?
Braun offers Homer a fork as he pulls out a chair in front of an enormous
conglomerate of food types
Homer
Now youre talking
Homer takes the fork, sits down at the table, filled with a conglomerate of food
types, putting the fork aside; he eats with his hands instead. In his haste he bites
his finger; it cracks like a glass drum kit. Homer screams
Braun
Haha(lifting up his own heavily bitten hand) Old training injusy, comes with the
territory, just remember not to chew.
Competitive eater #1

(Holds out his hand with a finger missing)Some of us aint so lucky and insurance
dont pay out if you eat your own finger
Cue Eating Montage: Eating burger one in each hand, tightly rolling a pizza &
swallowing in one go, peeling fried chicken skin and wrapping them, around slice
of bread, using ice cream as butter, doing push ups into a bowl of jelly, drinking
ketchup and mayonnaise
Braun
Well I got to say youve impressed me, I think youve got what it takes to enter
the national at Coney island next week, but let me tell you it wont be a
picnic..it will be a straight up lunch
Homer (Gasping for air)
Haaaahhhhhhh
Braun
Ill take that as a yes coach and I will pay your air fair
External Coney Island Eating Contest (Day)
Seaside boardwalk, a large crowd has gathered pandemonium in full swing. A mc
precedes over the crowd as an eating contest is taking place, a vegan, glutenfree eating contest. Hippies & skinny intellectuals are eating celery stalks. One is
using a knife & fork, another is praying beforehand, a third is trying to read the
celerys aura. We go to a jumbotron for the commentating and replay.
Over enthusiastic commentator #1
Just look at this eathletes physique & bitterness, you can tell he has been not
eating & experiencing joy years.

Overly enthusiastic commentator #2

Yeah you can just smell the smugness wafting from his bare feet.
Close up of one of the eaters feet, he is wearing birds nests as shoes. A small
bird sticks his head out form the nest and the eater gets an immediate
disqualification for feeding the bird celery
Buzzer Sounds
MC
Okay folks and theyre we have it, winner of the celery sizzle, with a total of
three stalks eaten & taking home the gold plated compost heap,
LLLLLLLIIISSSAAAA SHE PUTS THE ATE IN GLUTAMATE FREE ,
SSSSSSIMPSSOOOOOOONNNNN
Lisa you all sick me
Contest Organizer
Thank you
MC
And now get ready for the main event, where an immovable mound of
cholesterol meets an unstoppable force of fat & bacon. Bringing together eaters
form all over, teeth sharpened & bowels loosened. Sponsored by neverskip
pacemakers, the 2016 Coney Island hot dog eating contest
(Yall ready for this plays as the eaters come out)

Braun is greasing up Homers body with butter. Another eater flosses his teeth
with a bike chain; a third eater is scratching his back with baby back ribs. They
approach the main stage, taking a seat at the table, rinsing theyre hands with
ketchup & butter

MC
321 (A man hits a giant gong with a salami) Grubs up
Most of the eaters start eating at a voracious pace. One karate chops the
hotdogs into tiny pieces before consuming. A Cuban eater rolls the hotdogs back
& forth before lighting & smoking one. Homer is still deciding which eating gloves
to wear, finally he settles on fingerless. Competitors becoming to full to feast are
wheel-barrowed away one by one from the table
Comic book guy
Alas I peeked too
soon..many years ago
Homer is visibly weary at this stage
Braun
Remember Homer, bun before dog except after hog
Homers closest competitor is a muscle bound Swedish eater, who squashes the
hot dogs before rolling them around into meatballs before eating. He makes the
crucial mistake of eating too fast & bites his own finger, resulting in a termination
for eating outside food. The referee lifts his hand and sniffs the Swedish finger
Referee

Consumption of outside foo, Disqualification!

The eater breaks down into tears, an eater from the celery contest starts licking
them. Homer is too caught up to notice. So he keeps eating, in fact he cant stop
himself. They have unbelievably ran out of hotdogs

Marge
Homer its over you can stop now
Its no use , Homer takes a chunk out of the table in his stupor, hes out of
control, people start backing away. He is delirious with eating
Lisa
Something has gone wrong, he cant stop himself, and you have to help him
Braun
Braun
Help him? I already have, Ive made the greatest eater since that whale at
SeaWorld
The crowd backs away as Homer walking off the stage bleary-eyed, marches like
a zombie. People start to scream, a giant cauldron of fondue is knocked over,
covering live chickens in a hard shell. Homer takes a bite of a chicken, nothing
will hold him back
Bart
Im torn between my love of my dad making an ass out of himself and the fact
that I need him to give me rides place. I face the challenge that all young

children must go through at some stage, shower myself in my fathers greasy

shame or sober him up
With a new found determination , Bart furrows his brow & looks for a way to stop
Homer..immediately giving up
Bart
Oh yeah Im not smart
Maggie points furiously & tries to get his attention, shes pointing towards the
stage at a trophy. Its a platinum hotdog that the winner of the competition
receives, its being buffed with bacon grease
Bart
Of course, the trophy will stop him
Bart runs towards the stage & grabs the heavy hotdog from its mantle. He
shoulder throws the trophy with all his might. (Slow Motion) We close up on
Homer eating a giant bowl of candyfloss. The glistening hotdog soars through the
air, as he turns his neck the hotdog lands in his mouth perfectly. Bingo! Taking a
bite we hear a spine tingling crunch & shatter of his teeth. Falling unconscious to
the ground with a slow thud the cotton candy cushioning the blow
Dark screen, eyelids open, its the ceiling of the sitting room. The mouth burps &
we hear a scratching noise as the eyes become upright & turn toward the TV.
Standing up & walking towards the kitchen, he steps on the cats tail. We follow
on still form the eyes perspective. We move towards the fridge, a hand reaching
out (Homers) & opening the door. The eyes moving up & down, fingers twinkling,
finally settling on left over burgers. He brings the burger to his mouth twohanded, LETTING OUT A HUGE CRY.

Close up on Homers face, front on view.

Homer
What the?
Feeling around his mouth with his tongue
My teeth
He has no teeth, not a single one, hes all gum
Homer
Mwhat the mhell is mowing on?

Marge
What does it look like? Were eating dinner
Homer
Im mtalking about my meeth
Bart
No meat for you meaty
Homer
I mean my meeth
Pointing towards his gums, pushing a finger into them, it makes a squishy noise
Marge Oh honey dont you remember you chipped your teeth at the contest
Homer

All of em?
Marge
Well
Homer
Margarine!
Marge
I asked Dr. Hibert to remove the rest of your teeth as theyre a threat to your
health

Dr. Hibert (Butts in with a plate at dinner, he was sitting at the table all along)
She made quite a convincing case& quite a convincing cake too( shot of
a cake with a toothless Homer frosting)
Homer
You mean I cant eat
Dr. Hibert
Nonsense Homer you can eat plenty of soup & soggy bread
Homer
MM000000HHHH
Marge
I hope you learned your lesson, that biting off more than you can chew can
leave you hungry!

Homer
MI did
The doorbell rings, Homer answers, its Braun
Homer
Mello
Braun
Homer
Homer, good, youre alive, say how do you feel about a jello teasing contest in
Maine?
Homer
MMM-MELLO