Jamming With Jar Jar

Star Wars as told by someone whos never seen it before

Fade from the Galaxy scroll to a little pod racing punk in sunglasses. Anakin is betting
all his marbles to win a date with Queen Amalomadingdong. Even though hes about
three years old. Kid has got game. He wins the race, but instead of getting a date, ObiWan Kenobi senses that the kid is a total badass and kidnaps him from home to be a Jedi,
with his Jedi master Master Saigon. R2-D2 beeps a lot, hes a happy robot, and the
guy from KISS gets real pissed because Queen Amalomadingdong isnt rolling over. At
one point, the kid gets the MOST ANNOYING SIDEKICK OF ALL TIME, who
everyone wants to stab with a light sabre. Why JJ, did you have to add Jar Jar? The kid,
being a total badass, builds C-3PO. SPOILER: Later in the movies, the kid gets his light
sabre by pulling it out of C-3POs butt. All hail the new king.
The KISS dude starts accumulating armies, Yoda disputes the status of the kids
badassness and general chaos reins. Master Saigon gets offed, and Yoda lets Obi-Wan
train the kid. Fast forward in time. The kid is now 13. 19. What ever. Older. People
talk way too much about taxes (WHO CARES), and Queen Amalomadingdong and the
kid try to get it on. Ive been informed (by sources) that this is not the weird and
incestuous relationship. Obi-Wan does all the work fighting the new Sith lord, the mole
man, while the kid and the Queen find closets to hide in. Yoda, as always, is the epitome
of awesome. In a tragic twist of fate, the kid loses his arm when extracting the light sabre
from C-3POs rear end. To make him feel better, the Queen marries him, and Anakin gets
a laser cannon for an arm. LONG LIVE QUEEN AMALOMADINGDONG AND THE
KID.
Bitter about the fact that he isnt due for an upgrade any time soon, Anakin, who is now
dubbed the Man, starts to turn towards the forces of evil. They promise him a brand new
robot arm and body with laser cannons and plasma guns. Mrs. The Man is preggers,
causing Anakin to descend further into the dark side. The mole man promise long nights
of no kids, beer, a crazy cool outfit, and light sabre duels. The mole man convinces
Anakin to ditch the chick and is dubbed Vader, or V-man. V-man throws a fit over ObiWan helping Queen Amalomadingdong and tries to kill her. Yoda tries to kill the mole
man, Queen Amalomadingdong gives birth to the future incest twins and dies. Also, for
my sake, and everyone else, Jar Jar dies in the fiery pits of Mordor. Wrong movie but
needed. Then, everyone gets exiled.
And so begins the incest adventures of Luke and Leia in the creepiest movie poster I have
ever seen. Leia is captured by Darth Vader, and manages to get a message out with R2D2. C-3PO is so uptight that multiple trips to the compressor are not enough to squeeze
out his rigidness. Thats powerful metal. Luke, the kids kid, finds R2-D2 chilling in the
desert, and manages to discover Bens secret identity. Oben-Wan views the message
from Leia, and hires the greatest bromance of all time to rescue her. He also tries to
tempt Luke to the force of Light by giving him a light sabre. Luke, like an idiot, declines.
Who in their right mind says no to a light sabre? However, his aunt and uncle get offed,
so Luke doesnt really have a choice and joins the gang. They skip into the Falcon,

rescue Leia and get the Hell out of dodge. Oh, and thanks to Scrubs, I know that ObiWan gets killed by Vader in an overly dramatic fashion. Obi-Wan comes back as a ghost
and helps Luke blow up the Death Star. Leia makes weird and inappropriate googly eyes
at Luke. Seriously. Thats your brother.
Darth Vader is still trollin for the Rebels base. Han and Chewie get into a fight over
who is cooler, and accidentally bump into Vader. Though they are both wearing camo,
they arent able to evade the sharp eyes of Vader. Luke follows the order of a ghost to
train with Yoda, who is still the baddest of the bad. With minimal training and against
the orders of Yoda, Luke decides to be a hero to rescue his incestuous ladylove. And
Han. Han is turned into a brand new type of ice cube by being frozen in carbonite, Luke
follows his fathers footsteps and loses his hand trying to extract his light sabre from the
bowels of C-3PO, and Leia just kind of stands there. The most famous line in the movie
universe is uttered, and Luke gets a light sabre for a hand. Chewie, heart broken that his
bromance buddy is missing, searches the universe for Han. Dont come between a man
and his bro.
Leia wears a metal space bikini. That is the plot of the entire sixth movie. Oh, and
everyone else almost gets eaten by a giant whole thing. Plus, there are really tiny and
unfriendly teddy bears. But 99% of the sixth movie is Princess Leia wearing a space
bikini and Jabba the Hutt saying really creepy things about it. The other 1% is Han shot
first. Yoda croaks because he is secretly a frog, and Luke and Leia FINALLY realize
that their romance is incestuous and creepy as Hell. Daddy Vader tries to finish the new
Death Star for his long missed offspring. Luke and Leia throw a hissy fit because the
Death Star is the wrong color, and eventually blow it up. Daddy Vader dies, Luke gets
surprisingly emotional about it, and Leia and Han are well on their way to making future
incestuous babies.
Fast forward in time. Ben turns emo because he never got to meet Grandpa Vader. His
new call name is Kylo Ren. Ashamed of their emo little disaster, Han, Leia, and Luke all
go into exile. Because if you cant fix it, exile it. One of the storm troopers absolutely
flips his crap about a traitor. Kylo Ren wreaks general havoc upon the world, the next
Leia, Grey, tries to stop him, but fails. Due to overwhelming themes in the past, this is
Lukes secret love child, but heres hoping shes not Leias. That, and theres an
adorable new robot, BB-8. Thank God that one isnt another Jar Jar. Oh, and in the most
DEVASTATING twist of events ever, Kylo Ren kills his father. Goodbye Han, you cool
son of a gun. In true Bro-code, Chewie shoots Ren. And hopefully steals the awesome
light sabre Ren has.
In conclusion, I have clearly not seen star wars.