Originally published in The Journal of Pastoral Practice, vol. 7, no. 2. Copyright 1984.

A Premarital
Counseling Inventory
Based Upon Proverbs 31
by Donald Ratcliff
In an interesting and suggestive format, Don Ratcliff has produced a helpful premarital
inventory that he personally has found useful. Particularly impressive is the simplicity and the
manner in which, from each verse, not only principles may be inculcated but also decisions
may be encouraged. The genius of this approach and its format is that it holds and counselor
and counselee to the Scripture at every point. The editor believes that the inventory would also
be useful in post-marital counseling as well.
The Scripture may be used profitably in every form of counseling, including preparation for
marriage. Because the Word of God has been a source of understanding, behavior change,
and decision making for centuries, its importance in premarital counseling is not to be
underestimated.
In my marriage counseling I have found the suggested inventory helpful in isolating a number of
key factors which allow couples to gain insight into the realistic demands of marriage as well as
to estimate the maturity of the prospective mates. Too often couples enter into marriage without
objective assessment of each other since the roles of the relationship before marriage are so
different from those required afterward. Using the Bible as the basis for such an assessment
helps to assure one that his insight is reality based rather than the kind of superficial starry
eyed understanding with which too many individuals, even Christians, begin marriage.
This inventory is taken from Proverbs, a book rich in wisdom and insight into many kinds of
human problems. Proverbs contains statements on a wide variety of human relationships and
many such inventories could be developed on a number of topics. Since an important goal of
prenuptial counseling is objectifying the demands of marriage, this kind of inventory is
particularly valuable.
Proverbs 31:10-31 should be read and discussed verse by verse by the counselor and
counselees as they take the inventory. Preferably a recent translation should be used. A
separate inventory should be completed by each counselee, evaluating both the prospective
mate and self in these marriage related activities. This should occur with discussion limited first
to the meaning of the question and then to the actual responses when the inventory is
completed by both.
After the prospective husband and wife have finished, the results may be compared and
discussed. Since the text speaks of the wife's role, the wife's self-evaluation and the husband's
evaluation of his wife-to-be might be compared first. Afterward, the two evaluations of the
husband-to-be can be compared and discussed. The counselor especially will want to
determine the basis for the decision on each characteristic; i.e., both may feel one has a noble
character, but what specific evidence caused each to assume that such noble character exists?
If a lack is indicated in a characteristic, the counselor could discuss how that lack would surface
within the marriage relationship.

Differences between evaluations should be noted, particularly for consistently low selfevaluations and consistently high evaluations of the future spouse. The complementary effects
of a lack in one spouse and presence in the other also might be considered, although
differences might suggest areas of future conflict. These should be discussed, with emphasis
upon long-range relationships and how these differences in evaluations could affect the
marriage over the years.
This particular form is not, of course, exhaustive of biblical content regarding marriage but can
be a good beginning for further Bible analysis of the marital partners. Additional items from
other passages might be added, although these might be considered more informally after the
initial assessment. Some verses on subjects such as divorce and remarriage should be
phrased according to the counselor's biblical understanding of these issues. After considering
the verses in Proverbs, the couple generally will understand the approach and continue the
assessment with other verses without need of formal test items.

The reader is granted permission to copy this inventory as needed for his or her counseling
ministry.
Proverbs 31 verse 10-31

The desirable husband/wife

Does future mate have this

quality?

Do I have this quality?

usually sometimes rarely

usually sometimes rarely

10 noble character
10 seen as worth a great deal by
spouse
11 is fully trustworthy
12 brings best out of spouse
12 willing to help spouse for the
rest of life
13 works with hands around
house
14 willing to sacrifice for family
15 willing to rise early (for
example, to feed baby)
16 spends money wisely
17 a hard worker
17 does his/her best
18 plans ahead for possible
problems
19 happy with being own sex
20 generous to needy, not selfcentered
21 able to provide comfort for
family
23 builds up spouse, not tearing
down the other
24 able to support family in case
of death of spouse
25 basically happy and optimistic
28 praises accomplishments of
spouse

30 fully devoted to God

31 receives praise from family
and others

Topics for discussion in Premarital Counseling

Marriage myths
Gods purpose for marriage
Leaving and cleaving
Who is the head
What is love
Personality
Family background
Communication
Conflict resolution
Financial planning
In-laws
Blended families (where applicable)

Hope For Troubled Marriages

By Michael J. McManus
Is your marriage, or that of a relative or friend, heading for divorce? If so, do you know how to save that
marriage?
Or do you feel helpless?
If you asked your pastor for help, would he know what to do? Probably not. Three-quarters of Americans
get married in a church, and a 1995 Gallup Poll says two-thirds of adults are members of a church or
synagogue. Clearly, churches have access to most couples, yet half of all new marriages are failing.
While America is the most religious Western nation, it also has the world's highest divorce rate. Sadly,
too many churches are just "wedding factories."
However, some churches are learning how to help couples:

Avoid a bad marriage before it begins.

Obtain "marriage insurance" as engaged couples.
Strengthen all existing marriages.
Save more than 80 percent of troubled marriages.

These pioneering churches have learned a profound lesson: What God has joined together, the church
can hold together. Let's take a look at seven proven steps that you or your church can take to be a
Marriage Saver, rather than a blessing machine. In some cities, 100 churches are taking these steps
together, and have pushed down the divorce rate for the whole area by 20 to 50 percent.
Don't Live Together
More than half of all people who marry today have lived in a "trial marriage" with their partners.
That's more than a sixfold increase since 1970, when only 8 percent cohabited prior to marriage.
Can marriage be tried on like a shoe? Absolutely not. Cohabitation is the worst possible step a couple
can take. The National Survey of Families and Households found in 1989 that 40 percent of live-in
relationships broke up short of marriage. Add to this the fact that marriages that are preceded by living
together have a 50 percent higher rate of divorce or separation than marriages without premarital
cohabitation.
Sadly, few learn the lesson that cohabitation doesn't work. After breaking up with Partner A, many move
in with Partner B and then C, and they end up in their 30s wondering why they aren't married. No wonder
fewer young people are getting married at all. The number of never-married Americans has doubled
since 1970, jumping from 21 million to 44 million in 1994, while the population grew only 20 percent.
If you know someone living in a "trial marriage," you can be a marriage saver by explaining that their
odds of success are not good. Furthermore, you can suggest that the better way to test whether the
relationship has the ingredients of a lifelong marriage is to take a "premarital inventory."
Undergo a Premarital Inventory
Two premarital inventories called PREPARE and FOCCUS are taken by more than 250,000 couples a
year.
These tests can predict with astonishing accuracybetter than 70 percentwhich couples are likely to
divorce. Interestingly, 10 percent of the couples taking PREPARE actually break their engagements when
they learn the results.
Good! Better the broken engagement than the broken marriage. Those couples are avoiding a bad
marriage before it begins.
The 90 percent who go on to marry have much lower divorce rates. A Creighton University study of
FOCCUS in 1995 reported that of those married from one to eight years, only 3.6 percent had separated
or divorced. Taking a premarital inventory is like having "marriage insurance."

During an inventory, the man and woman are asked separately whether they agree or disagree with more
than 100 statements such as:
"When we are having a problem, my partner often gives me the silent treatment."
"Sometimes I wish my partner were more careful in spending money."
"Some relatives or friends have concerns about our marriage."
What emerges is an X-ray of the couple's strengths, their weaknesses and how each person contributes
to the problems. PREPARE also requires the couple to talk through the results with a pastor or mentor
couple.
Be a Mentor Couple
My wife, Harriet, and I have trained 33 couples at our church, all married
two to five decades, to administer PREPARE and go over the results.
This gives each young couple an opportunity to tap into the wisdom of a
My heart sank when I
husband and wife whose marriage has worked.
saw their PREPARE
One engaged couple asked us to help them improve their
scoresa zero on
communication. My heart sank when I saw their PREPARE scoresa
Communication and 20
zero on Communication and 20 percent on Conflict Resolution. This
percent on Conflict
looked like a future divorce! Andrew said Gloria made comments that put
Resolution. This looked
him down. She wished he was more willing to share his feelings with her
like a future divorce!
a common female complaint. Andrew said he did not feel understood.
"Andrew," I asked, "if you don't share your feelings with Gloria, how can
you expect to be understood? If she calls you at the end of the day and
asks, 'How was your day?' what do you say?"
"Great or terrible," he replied.
"Bad answer. What Gloria wants is detail. Even though you are an engineer, you can push yourself to
say, 'I had a great day because I finished my design two days early.' Or, 'It was terrible because I lost two
days of work in my computer.' "
Three weeks later, I asked Gloria if Andrew was sharing his feelings with her.
"Yes, he really is," she replied.
"Andrew, do you feel better understood now?"
"Yes, and she's not nagging me anymore!"
I was so impressed that when I retested them on Communication and Conflict Resolution, they scored
100 percent!
Attend Marriage Encounter
The most successful Marriage Saver is a movement called "Marriage Encounter," which is active in a
dozen denominations. Some 61 studies have interviewed couples before and after the weekend retreat.
The surveys all found that nearly nine out of 10 couples literally fell back in love with their spouses. More
important, they learned communication skills that permanently improved their marriages.
That's what happened to Harriet and me. In our 10th year of marriage, I was out of a job and could find
temporary work only in Washington D.C. The trouble was that we were living in Connecticut, so I became
a long-distance commuter. I'd get on the train at 2 a.m. Monday, work all week, and come home late
Friday night. Harriet graciously put up with this routine for months, fixing me a great dinner at 11 p.m.
Friday.
About this time, a friend told me about a Marriage Encounter event.
"What is it?" I asked.
"It's a way to strengthen your marriage," he said.
"I've got a good marriage," I said resentfully.
"No, this is a way to make a good marriage better." That sounded like a public relations line, but I thought
our marriage could use a tune-up, so I asked Harriet whether she'd like to go.
She refused, but later relented after a couple of months. Our Marriage Encounter weekend consisted of a
series of talks by four couples who described intimate details of their struggles in marriage. After each
talk, we were told to write a "love letter" to our spouse. The first topic was easy: "What is it I admire about
you and our marriage, and how does this make me feel?" We then went to our motel room, where we
exchanged letters and talked about them privately.
To the question, "What is it I couldn't or didn't share?" I was shocked to read that Harriet felt "bruised"
and "deserted" by my work in Washington. When we discussed her feelings, she said, "You love your
work more than me. You haven't been a husband or a father. Even when you are home, you work all the
time and don't even have time to take the boys for a 15-minute swim."
I wept, realizing that I had been so overwhelmed with a long-distance job that I was clueless to its impact
on Harriet. I held her and promised I would never leave her again. Fortunately, I had just found a new job
in New York City, so the long-distance commuting was over.

One thing we learned at Marriage Encounter permanently improved our marriagethe idea of taking
time each day to read Scripture and talk and pray for one another. That's now something we do early
each morning, and it keeps us open to each other, making the Lord a third partner in the marriage.
To learn more about Marriage Encounter, call toll-free (800) 795-LOVE (5683).
Saving the Troubled Marriage
What can be done to save the most troubled marriages? One answer was created by Marriage
Encounter leaders in Quebec who noticed that a few couples divorced after the weekend. When they
asked why, the couples said their problems (such as alcoholism, adultery, abuse) were more serious than
those talked about during the weekend meeting. Therefore, a new movement emerged called
"Retrouvaille," a French word for "rediscovery" that's pronounced ret-ro-vie.
Retrouvaille is similar to Marriage Encounter, but with one important difference. The leaders are couples
whose own marriages once nearly failed. They share how they overcame adultery, alcoholism, etc., and
they inspire couples in hurting marriages to try new ways to love each other.
Retrouvaille clearly works. One-third of attending couples in Michigan over the last decade had already
filed divorce papers, yet 80 percent of nearly 600 couples rebuilt their marriages. Retrouvaille is also a
way to foster reconciliation among separated couples. In the Dallas-Fort Worth area, 40 percent of 817
couples were living apart when they went. However, 70 percent of the whole group saved their
marriages! Retrouvaille is such a marriage saver that it has saved 80 percent of nearly 50,000 couples
who have attended in Canada and the U.S. To learn more, call toll-free (800) 470-2230.
Propose a Marriage Ministry
The Rev. Dick McGinnis, associate rector of St. David's Episcopal Church in Jacksonville, Fla., made this
announcement one Sunday morning: "I'd like to meet after the service with any couples whose marriages
were once on the rocks, but are now healed." Out of 180 people in church, 10 couples met with him. "I'd
like to hear how the Lord helped you save your marriages," he said. "If God has a plan for saving
troubled marriages, you would know."
Seven couples agreed to tell their stories, which were very diverse. One man was bisexual. A woman
had been in an adulterous affair for eight years. Another man was a drunk who lost his job and was out of
work for two years.
First, they got hope from other Christian couples; five of the seven had been to Marriage Encounter. They
all made a commitment to follow Jesus as their Savior, and once obedient to God, they were able to love
by His standards, not theirs. All made a decision to stay together, to forgive their mates and themselves
and, most important, to accept their mates as they are. The downward spiral reversed itself.
Those seven couples have now worked with 40 couples headed toward a crash, and helped 38 of them
save their marriages. That's a 95 percent success rate!
Thus, the best Marriage Savers are couples with solid marriages whose own experiences equip them to
help other couples. Those couples can be found in any church. Those with solid but untraumatic
marriages can assist the engaged.
If your church implements only the Marriage Ministry like that in Jacksonville, it can push your church's
divorce rate below 10 percent.
Create a Community Marriage Policy
Many Catholic churches have long required months of marriage preparation classes, but when a Catholic
and Protestant couple plan a wedding, they sometimes marry in a Protestant church, where the pastor
requires only one or two meetings with him. This is not in the best interests of the couple or the Catholic
and Protestant congregations.
Therefore, when Harriet and I are asked to speak to local clergy groups, we urge that the clergy of all
denominations agree on minimum standards if a couple wants to be married in a church or synagogue in
that city. The first city to take this step was Modesto, Calif., where 95 pastors signed a covenant in 1986
"to radically reduce the divorce rate among those married in area churches."
They required four months of marriage prep classes, the taking of a premarital inventory, meeting with a
mentor couple, studying relevant Scripture, and attending an engagement seminar.
Churches in Peoria, Ill., adopted a similar policy in 1991 for young couples, but also agreed to call for
strengthening existing marriages by encouraging couples to attend a Marriage Encounter or similar
weekend retreat.

The result? Peoria's divorces dropped from 1,210 in 1991 to 947 in 1992, and have remained one-fifth
below the former rate. In Modesto, the population has grown 39 percent over the past decade, yet the
number of divorces fell 16 percent. Modesto is now saving more than 1,000 marriages a year!
That's why Harriet and I travel all over the country encouraging church pastors to adopt what some are
calling Community Marriage Covenants. When I was in Colorado Springs earlier this year, I noted that
the city was home to Focus on the Family, 70 different Christian ministries and more than 400 churches.
Yet El Paso County (in which Colorado Springs is located) has the highest divorce rate along the
Colorado Front Range.
There's no excuse for this! That's why we're urging pastors and ministers to transform our divorce culture
into a marriage culture. To date, 43 cities have adopted a Community Marriage Policy, but we need 443
to make a big dent in the divorce rate.
Want to Learn More? For information about Marriage Savers, or to contact Mike McManus, write:
Marriage Savers Institute
9500 Michael's Court
Bethesda, MD 20817