The Five Cs of Effective Communication

Effective communication is a two way information sharing process which

involves one party sending a message that is easily understood by
the receiving party.
Will your message sink or float?
To be effective, communications should be concise, clear, correct, complete
and, perhaps most important, it should connect. Heres a closer look at the
Five Cs of effective communication.

Concise: Eliminate all unnecessary words, redundant thoughts, and

irrelevant side issues. Make the piece as long as it has to be to cover
what you want to get across but not a line longer.
Clear: Use a simple, active voice. Pick words and images that
illuminate the very first time that the audience reads, hears or sees
them.

Correct: No matter the importance of your message, you will lose

credibility if you dont get your facts, figures, spelling, punctuation and
grammar right.

Complete: Anticipate the questions that the audience might have,

and answer them who, what, where, when, why and how. Use vivid
and concrete examples.

Connect: Approach the assignment from the audiences perspective,

conveying information in a language that they will understand, and
presenting it in a context that makes the information meaningful.

Differences in Cultures
Culture is the ideas, customs, and social behaviour of a particular people or
society.

Increasingly, managers must deal with multiple ethnic groups with

very different cultures. Thanks to globalization, you are likely to
work with Japanese, French, Chinese, German and all sorts of other
nationalities. It is important to recognize that people from different
cultures have are different in a variety of ways, including

different ways of looking at things

different ways of dressing

different ways of expressing personality/goodness

USA

GERMANY

FRIENDS vs ACQUAINTANCES

Americans almost always address people

Germans almost always address people

they have just met (or people they work

they have just met (or people they work

with) with their first name. They may not

with) with their last name. They may not

even know that persons last name.

even know that persons first name.

An American may be offended (or at least

A German may be offended (or at least

surprised) if addressed as Mr. Smith

surprised) if addressed as Karl rather

rather than Jim.

than Herr Schmidt.

USA

GERMANY

TABLE MANNERS

The fork is held in the right hand.

The fork is held in the left hand, the

When using a knife, it replaces

knife in the right hand. Both remain in

the fork, which is switched to the

your hands except when drinking or

left hand during cutting. Emily

passing items. This is the European

Post called this the zig-zag

style.

style.

Americans like to eat many

Germans rarely eat food with their

foods, including pizza, with their

hands. Even pizza is eaten with a knife

hands. Except for formal dining,

and fork! Hands are used only at a BBQ,

there are many finger foods.

a fastfood restaurant, or for hors

Eating with your hands is

doeuvres/canapes. Otherwise, eating

considered efficient and proper.

with your hands is considered barbaric.

USA

GERMANY

DRIVING

Traffic regulated by many signs

Driver coming from the right has right of

(stop, yield, etc.).

way; fewer signs

Passing on the right is OK on the

Passing on the right is verboten on the

Interstate.

autobahn.

Highway directional signs refer to

Highway directional signs refer to the

east, west, north, south and the

next town or city, never mentioning

next city.

compass directions.

Speed limits are posted everywhere

No speed limit on some autobahn

on streets and highways.

stretches; standard 50 km/h (31 mph)

limit on city streets unless posted
otherwise.

Cultural Differences Between the USA and Japan

Japan is often considered more "Western" in culture than other Asian countries.
Compared to the United States, there are certainly a lot of similarities. But Japan and
the U.S. do have many cultural differences as well. Though no people can be
generalized as a whole, and, like America, culture can vary from region to region, here
are some things that stick out to American expatriates living in Japan.
1. Japanese attitudes toward religion: not Christian, and it's not important
anyway. The vast majority of Japanese people identify as Shintoist or Buddhist, or both
at the same time. Though Christian missionaries have been present in Japan for
hundreds of years, there has been little effect on Japan's religious identity and
philosophy. Therefore, issues that are based in typical debate in the Abrahamic faiths,
such as gay marriage or teaching creationism in schools, lack a religious foundation in
Japan. Japanese people's approach to Shinto and Buddhism is also largely reserved to
traditions, celebrations and superstitions more than strong spiritual belief. For example,
in America, a politician's religious affiliation may become the cause of heavy debate,
but there are few such issues in Japan.
2. Japanese people tend to be more formal. This one is a generalization that
depends on which region of Japan we are referring to, but overall Japan, especially
Tokyo, is known for being "colder" than most areas of the United States. People stand a

relatively far distance apart when speaking, and last names with honorifics are used. An
example can be seen in different approaches to customer service. In America, ideal
customer service is usually warm and friendly. In Japan, it is formal and unobtrusive.
Waiters don't usually stop by tables to ask customers how the food is and what their
weekend plans are, and strangers won't often chat while waiting for the bus. Physically
touching is also more sparse in Japan than it is in America.
3. Japanese people are nationalistic but overall not very political. Politicians in
Japan have a shockingly low approval rate. Politicians are quick to resign after making
mistakes, causing Japan to switch Prime Ministers almost once a year since 2005. Japan
has a Parliament system with many parties, and politicians don't tend to win with a
majority vote. In fact, Japanese people have a notoriously low voting rate. On the other
hand, Japanese people tend to have a lot of love for their country, and celebrate their
unique history, language and culture in a way not dissimilar to Americans.
4. Though America is made up of people from many different countries, Japan
is overwhelmingly Japanese. The population of Japan is about 98% ethnic Japanese,
and the biggest minority groups are Korean and Chinese people. Because most
Japanese citizens have an identical ethnic and national identity, seeing people who
don't appear to be of East Asian descent can lead to instant assumptions of being a
foreigner, whether tourist or temporary resident. This can affect society in the sense
that because Japanese people view their culture as homogeneous, it is expected that
everyone understands the traditions and rules of society.
5. Japanese people bow. Though well known that many Asian countries bow instead
of shaking hands, Japanese people bow in more situations than just greetings. Bowing
can be done in apologizing and thanking as well. Though in business people might bow
deeply to a 45 degree angle, most bows are a casual bob of the head and slight incline
of the back. However, Japanese people are well aware that foreigners usually shake
hands and might readily offer their hands in greeting instead.
6. Japanese people will often live with their parents until they get married.
There is much less social stigma about an unmarried person living with Mom and Dad
after college. In fact, it isn't unheard of for newlyweds to live with one partner's parents
until they can find a place of their own.
7. No tipping in Japan! Tipping is not done or rare at best. It can even be insulting to
tip, as though its an affront on the employee's salary. If you leave a few bills on the
table after eating out, prepare to have the waiter run after you with your "forgotten"
item. In America, tips are, in philosophy, meant to show appreciation for good service.
Considering that many jobs such as waiters that are usually tipped get paid minimum
wage or less, tipping has become a necessity.

8. Space in Japan is more precious. Because Japan is an island country and only
about the size of California, and much of the land it has is mountainous terrain, what
land there is, is precious and often expensive. Sizes of apartments and houses are
usually much smaller, and yards are often tiny if they exist at all. Still, Japanese people
have learned to adapt in ways to maximize space, but it can nonetheless be shocking
for an American who might take space for granted.
9. Americans tend to be more direct and blunt, whereas Japanese people are
more subtle. Being too direct in Japan can be considered rude. This can be seen in
body language, too. People in the U.S. are taught to look directly in someone's eyes
when speaking or listening to show they are actively participating in the conversation.
In Japan, extended eye contact can be uncomfortable between people who aren't close,
and eyes are often adverted. Japanese people also tend to be more reserved than
Americans, and share less personal or sensitive information, often even with close
friends.
10. Gender roles are strict. In 2012, Japan ranked an embarrassing 101st on the
Global Gender Gap Report, which measured women's equality. America ranked 22nd.
There are very few female politicians and CEOs. When women join companies, they are
often expected to quit when they get married to become housewives and stay-at-home
mothers. The concept of masculinity can also be very strict, though among youth
culture - typically university age or younger - there is some gender androgyny
celebrated in fashion, appearances and roles.
11. In Japan, social hierarchy is important. The junior/senior relationship is very
important in Japan. A company employee who is younger and probably hasn't worked at
the company as long as his older coworker will be a "junior" to the "senior." It is the
same for students, especially in school clubs. In theory, the senior is a mentor for the
junior, and it is the junior's duty to help out the senior and the other members of the
group. These roles aren't non-existent in America, but roles are often based on personal
accomplishments, and they aren't always respected as a rule, either.
12. Japan is a collectivist culture, whereas the United States is more
individualistic. Japanese culture is focused on groups and communities. Satisfaction
and pride is meant to be found within the group you belong to. In the United States,
people tend to find satisfaction in their own accomplishments, and focus on their own
aspirations. An example of this is that in Japanese business culture, employees tend to
work for one company for their entire lives. Company loyalty is valued, and promotions
are often given on a seniority basis. In America, people focus on their careers
independent from the companies they work for, and will often change companies a
number of times throughout their professional lives. Promotions are supposed to be
given on a basis of merit. In Japan, this can also influence a mindset of how people live

in society. People tend to follow rules more seriously, from something as simple as
trying not to litter - which makes big cities like Tokyo surprisingly clean.

Cultural differences between Germany and Japan

There are many obvious cultural differences between Germany and Japan:
eating different food and with knife and fork instead of chopsticks, driving on
the other side of the road, and the styles of traditional architecture, music
and clothing, such as the German Lederhosen/Dirndl and Japanese Kimono,
do not have much in common as well. That is why I want to write about
differences concerning the invisible aspects of these cultures: the values, the
virtues, and hence the ways of thinking at least as far as I could observe
them and was told by Japanese people.
Before I arrived in Japan, I had heard that the Japanese values were the same
as the traditional German ones, which are mainly: punctuality and discipline.
Indeed, it seems to be very important to Japanese to keep appointments and
plans. If it really occurs that a Japanese person is late or cannot make it at
all, he or she is expected to deeply apologize for it. In Germany this is taken
much more laxly, which results in people being less and less on time these
days. The same goes, for example, for trains: While in Germany everybody
complains about the trains being late (which at least shows that Germans
still care about it), in Japan you can expect them to be perfectly on time. This
importance of punctuality makes life comfortable in a way that you can carry
out your plans much more smoothly than in Germany. In other words: Due to
this punctuality shared by everyone the Japanese life works. That is why a
Japanese friend of mine even called punctuality the Japanese societys
foundation.
As everything is working so perfectly, everyone is expected to work in the
same way everybody and everything else does, i.e. the Japanese society also
asks for discipline. Discipline means, for example, behaving well in public,
such as not bothering other people by shouting, as it happens in other
countries such as Germany. Moreover, although in Germany you are
supposed to throw away your garbage into the garbage cans, you can still
see empty bottles, cans or other trash lying on the pavements, in parks etc.
In contrast to that, Japanese people are disciplined enough to take their
garbage with them and dispose of them properly, and therefore the streets
remain clean.
Furthermore, discipline means doing your work properly. For example,
Japanese traffic policemen show you with dedication that your ride is safe,
even if there is not a single approaching car or so in sight. Or if in Japan a
server makes a mistake with your order, he/she will not only apologize and
immediately correct the mistake but will as well offer a so-called service
like a free drink or dessert, which is the case even in cheap restaurants. In
Germany we just say that the customer is king yet in Japan they are even
compared to gods and they are truly treated like that! And with thinking of
your customers as gods, you have to give your best, i.e. work in a highly

disciplined manner in order to please them. However, discipline also has

the negative connotation of being too strict or even drilled, hence the
expression to discipline someone. In fact I was reported by some older
Japanese that their education was of that kind, but I see at Kwansei Gakuin
that todays students are encouraged to make their own minds by doing
research by themselves, so you example.can understand the word
discipline in its very best sense.
In summary I can say that although Germans and Japanese share the same
values, they are much more obeyed in Japan, which is what Germans should
take as an example.

(Doori Kim, Exchange Student from Ewha Woman's

University (Korea)

Steps in Active Listening

In todays high-tech, high-speed, high-stress world, communication is more
important then ever, yet we seem to devote less and less time to really

listening to one another. Genuine listening has become a rare giftthe gift of
time. It helps build relationships, solve problems, ensure understanding,
resolve conflicts, and improve accuracy. At work, effective listening means
fewer errors and less wasted time. At home, it helps develop resourceful,
self-reliant kids who can solve their own problems. Listening builds
friendships and careers. It saves money and marriages.
Here are some tips to help you develop effective listening skills.

Step 1: Face the speaker and maintain eye contact.

Talking to someone while they scan the room, study a computer screen, or
gaze out the window is like trying to hit a moving target. How much of the
persons divided attention you are actually getting? Fifty percent? Five
percent? If the person were your child you might demand, Look at me when
Im talking to you, but thats not the sort of thing we say to a lover, friend or
colleague.
In most Western cultures, eye contact is considered a basic ingredient of
effective communication. When we talk, we look each other in the eye. That
doesnt mean that you cant carry on a conversation from across the room,
or from another room, but if the conversation continues for any length of
time, you (or the other person) will get up and move. The desire for better
communication pulls you together.
Do your conversational partners the courtesy of turning to face them. Put
aside papers, books, the phone and other distractions. Look at them, even if
they dont look at you. Shyness, uncertainty, shame, guilt, or other emotions,
along with cultural taboos, can inhibit eye contact in some people under
some circumstances. Excuse the other guy, but stay focused yourself.
Step 2: Be attentive, but relaxed.
Now that youve made eye contact, relax. You dont have to stare fixedly at
the other person. You can look away now and then and carry on like a normal
person. The important thing is to be attentive. The dictionary says that to
attend another person means to:

be present

give attention

apply or direct yourself

pay attention

remain ready to serve

Mentally screen out distractions, like background activity and noise. In

addition, try not to focus on the speakers accent or speech mannerisms to
the point where they become distractions. Finally, dont be distracted by
your own thoughts, feelings, or biases.
Step 3: Keep an open mind.
Listen without judging the other person or mentally criticizing the things she
tells you. If what she says alarms you, go ahead and feel alarmed, but dont
say to yourself, Well, that was a stupid move. As soon as you indulge in
judgmental bemusements, youve compromised your effectiveness as a
listener.
Listen without jumping to conclusions. Remember that the speaker is using
language to represent the thoughts and feelings inside her brain. You dont
know what those thoughts and feelings are and the only way youll find out is
by listening.
Dont be a sentence-grabber. Occasionally my partner cant slow his mental
pace enough to listen effectively, so he tries to speed up mine by
interrupting and finishing my sentences. This usually lands him way off base,
because he is following his own train of thought and doesnt learn where my
thoughts are headed. After a couple of rounds of this, I usually ask, Do you
want to have this conversation by yourself, or do you want to hear what I
have to say? I wouldnt do that with everyone, but it works with him.
Step 4: Listen to the words and try to picture what the speaker is
saying.
Allow your mind to create a mental model of the information being
communicated. Whether a literal picture, or an arrangement of abstract
concepts, your brain will do the necessary work if you stay focused, with

senses fully alert. When listening for long stretches, concentrate on, and
remember, key words and phrases.
When its your turn to listen, dont spend the time planning what to say next.
You cant rehearse and listen at the same time. Think only about what the
other person is saying.
Finally, concentrate on what is being said, even if it bores you. If your
thoughts start to wander, immediately force yourself to refocus.
Step 5: Dont interrupt and dont impose your solutions.
Children used to be taught that its rude to interrupt. Im not sure that
message is getting across anymore. Certainly the opposite is being modeled
on the majority of talk shows and reality programs, where loud, aggressive,
in-your-face behavior is condoned, if not encouraged.
Interrupting sends a variety of messages. It says:

Im more important than you are.

What I have to say is more interesting, accurate or relevant.

I dont really care what you think.

I dont have time for your opinion.

This isnt a conversation, its a contest, and Im going to win.

We all think and speak at different rates. If you are a quick thinker and an
agile talker, the burden is onyouto relax your pace for the slower, more
thoughtful communicatoror for the guy who has trouble expressing himself.
When listening to someone talk about a problem, refrain from suggesting
solutions. Most of us dont want your advice anyway. If we do, well ask for it.
Most of us prefer to figure out our own solutions. We need you to listen and
help us do that. Somewhere way down the line, if you are absolutely bursting
with a brilliant solution, at least get the speakers permission. Ask, Would
you like to hear my ideas?

Step 6: Wait for the speaker to pause to ask clarifying questions.

When you dont understand something, of course you should ask the speaker
to explain it to you. But rather than interrupt, wait until the speaker pauses.
Then say something like, Back up a second. I didnt understand what you
just said about
Step 7: Ask questions only to ensure understanding.
At lunch, a colleague is excitedly telling you about her trip to Vermont and all
the wonderful things she did and saw. In the course of this chronicle, she
mentions that she spent some time with a mutual friend. You jump in with,
Oh, I havent heard from Alice in ages. How is she? and, just like that,
discussion shifts to Alice and her divorce, and the poor kids, which leads to a
comparison of custody laws, and before you know it an hour is gone and
Vermont is a distant memory.
This particular conversational affront happens all the time. Our questions
lead people in directions that have nothing to do with where they thought
they were going. Sometimes we work our way back to the original topic, but
very often we dont.
When you notice that your question has led the speaker astray, take
responsibility for getting the conversation back on track by saying something
like, It was great to hear about Alice, but tell me more about your adventure
in Vermont.
Step 8: Try to feel what the speaker is feeling.
If you feel sad when the person with whom you are talking expresses
sadness, joyful when she expresses joy, fearful when she describes her fears
and convey those feelings through your facial expressions and wordsthen
your effectiveness as a listener is assured. Empathy is the heart and soul of
good listening.
To experience empathy, you have to put yourself in the other persons place
and allow yourself to feel what it is like to be her at that moment. This is not
an easy thing to do. It takes energy and concentration. But it is a generous
and helpful thing to do, and it facilitates communication like nothing else
does.

Step 9: Give the speaker regular feedback.

Show that you understand where the speaker is coming from by reflecting
the speakers feelings. You must be thrilled! What a terrible ordeal for
you. I can see that you are confused. If the speakers feelings are hidden
or unclear, then occasionally paraphrase the content of the message. Or just
nod and show your understanding through appropriate facial expressions and
an occasional well-timed hmmm or uh huh.

Questioning Skills and Techniques

Gathering information is a basic human activity we use information to
learn, to help us solve problems, to aid our decision making processes and to
understand each other more clearly.
Questioning is the key to gaining more information and without it
interpersonal communications can fail. Questioning is fundamental to
successful communication - we all ask and are asked questions when
engaged in conversation.
We find questions and answers fascinating and entertaining politicians,
reporters, celebrities and entrepreneurs are often successful based on their
questioning skills asking the right questions at the right time and also
answering (or not) appropriately.
Although questions are usually verbal in nature, they can also be non-verbal.
Raising of the eyebrows could, for example, be asking, Are you sure? facial
expressions can ask all sorts of subtle questions at different times and in
different contexts.
Why Ask Questions?

Although the following list is not exhaustive it outlines the main reasons
questions are asked in common situations.

To Obtain Information:

The primary function of a question is to gain information What time is it?

To help maintain control of a conversation

While you are asking questions you are in control of the conversation,
assertive people are more likely to take control of conversations attempting
to gain the information they need through questioning. (Also see our pages
on Assertiveness)

Express an interest in the other person

Questioning allows us to find out more about the respondent, this can be
useful when attempting to build rapport and show empathy or to simply get
to know the other person better. (Also see Building Rapport and Empathy)

To clarify a point

Questions are commonly used in communication to clarify something that

the speaker has said. Questions used as clarification are essential in
reducing misunderstanding and therefore more effective communication.
(Also see Clarification)

To explore the personality and or difficulties the other person may have

Questions are used to explore the feelings, beliefs, opinions, ideas and
attitudes of the person being questioned. They can also be used to better
understand problems that another person maybe experiencing like in the
example of a doctor trying to diagnose a patient. (See our page What is
Counselling?)

To test knowledge

Questions are used in all sorts of quiz, test and exam situations to ascertain
the knowledge of the respondent. What is the capital of France? for
example.

To encourage further thought

Questions may be used to encourage people think about something more

deeply. Questions can be worded in such a way as to get the person to think
about a topic in a new way. Why do you think Paris is the capital of France?

In group situations

Questioning in group situations can be very useful for a number of reasons,

to include all members of the group, to encourage more discussion of a
point, to keep attention by asking questions without advance warning. These
examples can be easily related to a classroom of school children.
________________________________________
How to Ask Questions
Being an effective communicator has a lot to do with how questions are
asked. Once the purpose of the question has been established you should
ask yourself a number of questions:

What type of question should be asked

Is the question appropriate to the person/group?

Is this the right time to ask the question?

How do I expect the respondent will reply?

When actually asking questions especially in more formal settings some of

the mechanics to take into account include:
Being Structured
In certain situations, for example if you are conducting a research project or
you work in a profession that requires the recording of information, it may be
necessary to ask large numbers of questions.
In such cases it is usually a good idea to inform the respondent of this before
you start, by giving some background information and reasoning behind your
motive of asking questions. By doing this the respondent becomes more
open to questions and why it is acceptable for you to be asking them.
They also know and can accept the type of questions that are likely to come
up, for example, In order to help you with your insurance claim it will be
necessary for me to ask you about your car, your health and the
circumstances that led up to the accident.
In most cases the interaction between questioner and respondent will run
more smoothly if there is some structure to the exchange.
Use Silence

Using silence is a powerful way of delivering questions.

As with other interpersonal interactions pauses in speech can help to
emphasise points and give all parties a few moments to gather their
thoughts before continuing.
A pause of at least three seconds before a question can help to emphasise
the importance of what is being asked. A three second pause directly after a
question can also be advantageous; it can prevent the questioner from
immediately asking another question and indicates to the respondent that a
response is required.
Pausing again after an initial response can encourage the respondent to
continue with their answer in more detail. Pauses of less than three seconds
have been proven to be less effective.
Encouraging Participation
In group situations leaders often want to involve as many people as possible
in the discussion or debate.
This can be at least partially achieved by asking questions of individual
members of the group.
One way that the benefits of this technique can be maximised is to redirect a
question from an active member of the group to one who is less active or
less inclined to answer without a direct opportunity. Care should be taken in
such situations as some people find speaking in group situations very
stressful and can easily be made to feel uncomfortable, embarrassed or
awkward.
Encourage but do not force quieter members of the group to participate.
What are Questioning Techniques? Different types of questioning
techniques.
Why are questions asked?
Questioning is a natural behaviour and it starts from a very early age when
we are children and continues till the end. We ask questions, simply because
we need answers. Questions are asked for various reasons in various
situations when one is searching for solutions, answers, information etc.
They are basic tools that help humans grow and develop. Questions can be
asked to gain knowledge, to clarify doubts, to know the reality or truth
behind an incident, out of curiosity, to make complicated issues simpler, to
resolve issues, to start a conversation, to share ideas, to make a plan, etc.

Children persistently ask a lot of questions all the time, and they learn and
increase their knowledge that way.
There is an old English Proverb, He that nothing questions, nothing learns.
How do you use questions to check what customers are telling you?
People who work in customer services, medical services, schools, legal
services, social services and in almost all services need to have good
questioning skills. Just being a good listener is not enough, you also need to
know to ask the right questions to get as much details or information as
necessary. Questioning skills help you gather more quality information, help
you learn a lot by questioning, helps others learn, helps build better
relationships and helps to manage problems and people effectively
There are many types of questions that can be used for questioning
techniques. A few basic ones that are important are listed below.

Open questions

Closed questions

Funnel questions

Probing questions

Leading questions

Rhetorical questions

One should know all the different types of questions, when to use which type
of questions and how to combine the different techniques to arrive at the
best decision or result.

10 Tips for Effective Questioning

Open questions - Open questions ask for elaborate / explanatory answers
and they begin with what, why, how, describe, explain, where, which, when
etc. It can be questions asking someone to explain what happened at a
situation or place, asking why it happened, asking for details of an incident,
history of some happenings, explanation about their circumstances,
explanation of needs, thoughts about something, ideas and feedback. Open
questions help with a two way conversation and builds up an interest in the
conversation. Some examples are

1.

What happened at the conference today?

2.

Could you please describe your needs and current circumstances?

3.

What do you think about this conclusion / discussion?

4.

Who were present at this incident?

5.

How did you arrive at this conclusion?

Closed question Closed Questions have very short answers like yes or
no or answers with a word or two. They are usually asked to test if
someone has understood certain policies, procedures, rules, regulations,
explanations, discussions, lectures etc. Closed questions are also asked for
agreements or disagreements, asking for how they feel, to be specific, for
affirmation, etc. It is best not to ask closed questions when a conversation is
going on smoothly as it can bring an end to the conversation and you might
get into the risk of losing required information. Some of the words used in
closed questions are, are, do, did, could, should etc. Some examples of
closed questions are
1.

Will I get a response by tomorrow?

2.

Do we agree on this decision?

3.

Are you happy with the services that we provide?

4.

Which is your hometown?

5.

What do you do for a living?

Funnel questions Just imagine the shape of a funnel while using these type
of questions. A funnel has a wide mouth and gradually narrows at the
bottom. Similarly, you start with a lot of general questions on a situation or
incident and then narrow it down to one point to arrive at a conclusion. This
type of questioning technique is used by investigators, researchers and
detectives. In cases where investigations are involved, these types of
questions can be used to gather information and then to narrow down to
arrive at a decision. You can use a lot of closed questions at the start and
then widen on to asking open questions thereby making the people feel
comfortable answering your questions. An example can be,
1.

When was the call made?

2.

Do you know the name of the person whom you spoke to?

3.

What sort of behaviour did they exhibit?

4.

What was your call about?

5.

What questions did you ask?

6.

What was the response?

7.

Did they mention anything specific?

8.

Did they have a specific accent?

9.

How will you describe their approach?

10.

Etc..

Questioning Techniques
Probing questions or Trigger questions Probing questions are used to gather
more details and information. These are asked to clarify doubts or
misunderstandings. These questions will help you pull out information from
people who are hiding information or avoiding from telling you something.
Some examples are
1.

What exactly is the current situation?

2.

Who exactly is requiring these details?

3.

When do you need these data by?

4.

How do you know that XYZ was involved?

5.

What is exactly this information needed for?

6.

Where exactly will you be using this?

7.
What types of products do you need, how and where will you be using
them?
8.

Can you be more specific?

Leading questions or Reflective questions Leading questions are used to

lead the person whom you are talking to. This leads the speaker to give you
answers, while they know that you are giving them a choice. One has to be
careful not to be manipulative while using leading questions. Some examples
are

1.
Well, I think this product looks more suitable for your needs, what do
you think?
2.

What would you prefer, A or B, as they both have similar features?

Rhetorical questions Rhetorical questions are asked to keep people and

audience engaged. It also helps people think, be creative and come up with
ideas. Some examples are
1.

Isnt this a fantastic offer?

2.

Isnt this work perfect?

3.

Dont you like the way this package is set up?

Asking Powerful Questions

Clarifying questions - Clarifying questions are used to verify information.
Once the discussion or talk is over, you finalise things to confirm if that was
what was discussed.
1.
Just to confirm, you have taken land line unlimited broadband and
television package. Is that correct?
2.
Before we finish, let me go through this. You need a carer to call you at
lunch time and dinner, 30 minutes each. Is that correct?
3.

Am I right in confirming that the delivery will be in 3 days time?

4.
Am I right in believing that you all understand that tomorrow is the last
day for submitting your paperwork?
Tony Robbins quotes, Successful people ask better questions, and as a
result, they get better answers.
Questioning techniques are again used in all walks of life, at work, at home,
among friends and in other relationships too. This is one of the basic
principles of communication. To effectively ask questions you need to listen
effectively so that you are able to formulate the next question. Always use
positive words and motivate the questioned person to answer effectively.
Maintain confidence, so that the customer or client or anyone else who is
talking trusts you to give an answer. Always ask relevant questions and
never random questions as this will be totally out of the subject that is being
discussed. By understanding and improving your questioning skills, you can
improve the way in which you communicate with people and your
interpersonal skills.

Conflict Resolution
We all experience conflict; whether we choose to master it or let it master us
determines our destiny.
1) Don't react. While this is not easy to do because we are biologically primed
to fight or flee, sometimes not reacting is incredibly effective. It takes two to
play tug-of-war, and if you refuse to engage, there is no game to be played. An
intentional pause serves as a mirror for the antagonizer, as their aggressive
words reverberate in the silence and seem to hang in the air, hopefully inspiring
reflection and awareness. If you refuse to sink to the same level, you can be the
bigger person and anchor the conflict in a more civil place before it spirals
downward. This requires strength, patience, groundedness and detachment from
ego (for it is the ego that gets hooked during conflict and feels compelled to
fight until proven the victor). Pause, count to 10, breathe deeply and see what
happens from there.
2) Respond from a place of sadness, rather than anger. When we are
angry, it is to protect our feelings of sadness. When we speak from our anger,
we can scare people, make them defensive, and can negatively impact our
relationships. When we speak from our hurt, we are sharing from a deeper and
more vulnerable place of truth, and are not as threatening to others. If we teach
others how to care for our wounds, rather than biting them back, we can
expedite the healing process.
3) Do not triangulate. Triangulation is when you don't speak directly to the
person with whom you are having a conflict and involve somebody else. For
example, speaking to your mother-in-law about your agitation at your wife. Or,
throwing your BFF under the bus when you are mad at your boyfriend by saying
she thinks he is a selfish ass as well. While it is very tempting to vent to others
or to use them as allies, none of this is useful. Triangulation is counterproductive
as it causes additional relational strain with others and takes the focus away
from the primary issue at hand. Furthermore, it simply isn't cool.
4) Understand conflict is neither bad, wrong nor a sign of failure. We
are human: We all regress and act like babies sometime. Cut yourself some
slack, don't be afraid of your mistakes, make amends and forgive yourself and
others. Chalk it up to growth and learning and forge ahead.
5) Before speaking, ask yourself, "Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it
true?"Take some advice from Shirdi Sai Baba and ask yourself these three
questions before tossing verbal (or written) grenades. If the answer to even one
of these questions is no, bite your lip and choose words that meet all of these
criteria. The conflict will diffuse and your relationship will deepen.

6) Be specific about what you need. Sometimes we want people to

magically know what we need in order to feel better. This is normal, yet
irrational. Speed things along by being direct and specific for what you need (i.e.
"I need for you to say you are sorry for calling me that name" or "I need for you
to give me the rest of the weekend alone to reflect" or "I need for you to hold
me and stop trying to make it better with words.").
7) Be willing to let go and "reboot." My colleague Ross Rosenberg
recommends a mental rebooting when at the point of stalemate in conflict
resolution. This involves letting go of any mental energy that is keeping you
fixated on the conflict. In a moment of quiet reflection, imagine you are dropping
your sword and hitting the "refresh" button on your psychological browser, and
revisit your relationship with renewed perspective and energy.
8) Be grateful for the wisdom the conflict brought you. Conflict can be
emotionally exhausting and it is easy to be annoyed that it even took place.
Look at the good part by reflecting on any lessons that could be learned about
yourself, the other party, the relationship, or life in general. Give thanks for this
wisdom so that the universe knows you have sufficiently learned this lesson and
it isn't presented for you again!
9) Enjoy the intimacy in making up and reconnecting. Conflict is like fire:
While it can be destructive if left untended, it can promote warmth and heat if
managed effectively. Resolving conflict promotes intimacy (the term, "make-up
sex" didn't come from nowhere...) Also, there is great reassurance knowing that
loved ones can "stand a little shaky ground" and has "got the guts to stick
around" (thank you, Bonnie Raitt).
10) Understand nobody is perfect and learning effective conflict
resolution is a life-long process. Working on conflict resolution is an
indication of maturity, integrity and character. We are all works in progress.
Commit to these conflict resolution strategies in order to improve your
relationships and become your best self.

10 Tips for Resolving Conflict

"Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make
the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor
is attitude." -- William James
Conflict is a normal and natural aspect of relationships. As human beings, we are
primed to respond to stress with a "fight" or "flee" response. Often, neither of
these choices is appropriate. Therefore, we need to find a way to address

conflict that is direct and assertive, while also respectful and diplomatic. Some
people fear conflict and go to great lengths to avoid it, which can backfire and
lead to emotional, relational and medical problems. If handled effectively,
conflict can be an opportunity for learning, growth and positive change.
1. Pause and get grounded.
If your feathers are ruffled, it's best to take a moment to regroup before having
a knee-jerk reaction you might regret later. Breathe deeply (in through your
nose, down to your stomach and out through your mouth) to calm yourself.
Check in with your body and recognize if there are any physical discomforts that
are exacerbating your emotional agitation (i.e., hunger, fatigue, etc.).
If possible and appropriate, address those needs -- otherwise, raise a mental red
flag so you are conscious that your emotions may be inflamed by these
conditions. Stretching is a good way to quickly release tension and achieve
physical comfort and neutral posture.
2. Zoom out to gain perspective. Imagine you are viewing the conflict from a
neutral place at a greater distance. Imagine emotionally unplugging or
detaching from the situation to increase awareness. Are you really upset about
the issue at hand or are you displacing your anger? For example, are you
flipping off the driver behind you when you are actually mad at your boss about
the meeting you just left?
Make sure you address the appropriate person. Identify the real issue and don't
argue about the minutia if there is a deeper core issue that needs to be
addressed. For example, don't argue about the toilet seat being left up if you are
actually mad that you are feeling lonely or unsupported. Choose your battles: let
the little stuff go and care about yourself enough to address the important
matters.
3. Become mindful of your nonverbal communication.
Because much of communication is nonverbal, be aware of your facial
expressions, hand gestures, and body language to ensure you are sending the
message that you want to be received.
4. Avoid behaviors that add fuel to the fire.
Physical or verbal abuse is never acceptable. Dr. John Gottman, a leading
researcher and expert on relationships, identified four additional behaviors that
should be avoided during conflict: criticism (attacking the person's character);
contempt (insults and nonverbal hostility, like eye rolling); stonewalling (shutting
down); and defensiveness (seeing self as victim.)
5. Reflect empathy.
The ability to show you understand how the other person feels is perhaps the
single most powerful communication skill. It allows the person to feel heard and

diffuses conflict. You do not have to agree with their perspective, but you can
show you understand their feelings (i.e., "I can understand that you felt upset by
that.").
6. Take responsibility for yourself.
Save everybody time by owning up to your own poor behaviors. This is not a
sign of weakness, rather it demonstrates awareness and integrity and will likely
expedite successful resolution. Make sincere and timely amends and apologies.
7. Use assertive communication.
Avoid being passive (weak in setting boundaries); aggressive (hostile or
entitled); or passive-aggressive (acting out through indirect behaviors like
slamming a door or not responding to an email). Stay in the present and don't
dredge up old issues from the past. Ask for what you need, say no to what you
can't do, and be open to negotiation and compromise. Articulate a complaint
about a specific behavior and express your feelings in a way that is clear, direct
and appropriate.
Whenever possible, communicate directly in-person or over the phone versus
email or text battles where misunderstandings breed quickly. Use "I" statements
rather than "you" statements to reduce defensiveness. For example, "I am upset
that I did not get the promotion," rather than "You are a jackass."
8. Be open and flexible.
Listen and really hear the other person. Ask questions to gather information that
will be clarifying. Consider other perspectives or solutions. Look for the
compromise or "win-win."
9. Focus on what you can control and let go of the rest.
Author Wayne Dyer wisely said, "How people treat you is their karma; how you
react is yours." You can control your own behaviors and responses but you
cannot control others or the outcome. You can advocate for yourself in the
context of a relationship and if resolution cannot be achieved, you can empower
yourself to change the boundaries of that relationship or perhaps even end it
altogether.
10. Forgive.
Nelson Mandela said, "Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will
kill your enemies." Recognize that people come into our lives for a reason and
even negative experiences are opportunities for growth. Be grateful for the
learning experience, work towards acceptance, forgive and let go of the past.
Consciously choose how you want to move forward.

A lot of time is spent dealing with conflicts between employees.

Those who earned an MBA anticipating a career as an entrepreneur

probably never fathomed the time and energy that would go into
managing the varied personalities on a team.
Over the years, many different methods have been used to resolve
conflicts between employees, including persons acting as an
arbiter, staying out of the situation completely, or even taking one
side. But, along the way, it is realized that what holds people back
in business is the same thing that holds them back in personal
relationships: We're all afraid to talk.
We seem to do everything we can to avoid conflict and the person
we are conflicted with. What results? Unresolved issues,
misperceptions about another person's intentions, escalated
negativity, and an overall lack of progress. So a simple solution
when you are engaged in a conflict or managing the conflict
between others: Talk.

Here are five techniques to make sure a conversation happens as

soon as possible.

Realize everyone's good intentions.

Regardless of the issue and how you deal with it, I believe that
most people are coming from a position of sincerity and true
belief. They're not trying to cause trouble. They simply believe
in their position.

Resist the urge to solve the problem.

It's easy to want to take sides to move a decision along. Take

the time to listen to the complaints. Encourage the individuals
not to bring an issue with another employee to you until they
t they have already talked to that person and tried to work it
out independently.
Encourage in-person conversations.

The only way to resolve an issue permanently is through a real,

open conversation, ideally face to face. No email, no social media,
no texting. Whether live or over the phone, you need a scenario in
which you can listen for voice tone, or watch for body language.
If you have to, take a side.
If two people have already talked and still have yet to resolve
the conflict (which, rarely happens), offer to help resolve the
situation by getting everyone to the table at the same time.
Give both sides a chance to be heard, and only then make
your decision.
Evangelize your philosophy about conflict.
People love to hear themselves talk about others and be "in the
know" about co-workers' complaints. It is a natural response and
emotion, but it's also a colossal waste of time. Make sure your
message and methodology for dealing with conflict--if you have a
problem with someone, stop, think, talk, and resolve--cascades to all
levels of the organization.