Documenti di Didattica
Documenti di Professioni
Documenti di Cultura
http://books.google.com
vaudeville
from
laughs
thousand
One
PRICE 25 CENTS
THE
EST JOKE and COMIC BOOKS PUBLISH
OVER A MILLION COPIES SOL
s
These Books contain the best Up-t'
Jokes, Stories and Monologues, Shon
and Toasts told on the Vaudeville a
strel Stage by Mclntyre and Heatli, tvi. ^
P. Sweatman, Charlie Case, Ben Welch, Joe
Welch, Dave Warfield, Otis Harlan, Little
Chip, Lew Dockstader, Nat Wills and over
one hundred other prominent comedians.
1. New Jokes by Old Jokers, No. 1
2. New Jokes by Old Jokers, No. 2
S. New Jokes and Monologues by Best
Jokers, No. 3
4. New Jokes and Monologues by Best
Jokers, No. 4
5. New Jokes and Monologues by Best
Jokers, No. 5
6. New Jokes and Monologues by Best
Jokers, No. 6
7. Dan Feely's Original Joke Book
8. New Hebrew Jokes by Best Jokers
(new)
9. On a Slow Train (original story)
10. On a Fast Train Through Texas, by
Irv Ott
11. The Fun Doctor
12. New Minstrel and Black-Face Joke
Book. (End Men's Gags)
13. New Vaudeville Joke Book
14. New Tramp Joke Book
15. Red Wagon Stories ( very funny
Circus Stories)
16. New Dutch Jokes
17. New Irish Jokes and Monologues
18. New Combination Joke Book
19. New Italian Jokes and Recitations
20. New Polite Vaudeville Joke Book
21. Told on the Train (new and original)
22. Automobile Joke Book
23. One Thousand Laughs from Vaude
ville
Any of the above Books sent postpaid for 25 Cents Per Copy.
I. & M. OTTENHEIMER, PUBLISHERS,
800 802 E. FAYETTE ST. Cor FRONT ST.
BALTIMORE f
>
MARYLAND
ONE
THOUSAND
FROM
LAUGHS
VAUDEVILLE
Fred Niblo,
Raymond & Caverly,
Ben Welch,
Cliff Gordon,
Jack Hazard,
Jack Norworth,
Nat Wills,
Stewart Barnes,
Julius Tannen,
George Evans,
Joe Deming,
Lonely Haskell,
Joe Welch,
Billy Van,
AND OTHERS.
Illustrated.
Copyright, 1908, by I. & M. Ottenheimer.
I. & M. OTTENHEIMER,
PUBLISHERS
800-802 E. FAYETTE ST.
BALTIMORE, MD.
"VRWTED ffl I/. 3. A."
-A
Ufv c. - ' j
UibrarJ
AUTHOR'S INTRODUCTION.
The success attained by us with our other Joke
Books has been so pleasing that we offer the preseut:
volume with considerable confidence.
We have re
UPON
THIS
TO
THE
MOST
WILL
BE
VIGOR
Prosecuted.
PIRATES
BEWARE.
ONE
THOUSAND
FROM
LAUGHS
VAUDEVILLE
the city and wanted a drink very bad, and asked him
if he knew where one could be had. He said if he did
he would be there himself drinking it right then, in
stead of standing on the corner. So I went into a
nearby hotel and asked if I could get a drink. The clerk
asked me if I realized I was in Philadelphia and on a
Sunday. I said I guessed so, and went over and found
the proprietor standing in the dining room. I asked
him if he knew where I could get a drink. He looked
serious, winked at me and led me up four flights of
stairs into a room on the top floor. There he shut and
locked the door, pulled down the blind and said : 'No,
do you?' When I got into the street again I met a
drummer I knew and asked him what was the best
thing he had ever seen in Philadelphia. He said the
best thing he ever saw there was the train for New
York.
"I am glad to see so many beautiful ladies out in
Jront, and to note that here in the middle of winter they
are wearing those lovely summer shirtwaiststhose
delightful peek-a-boo shirtwaists. I didn't like them at
first. You see, I didn't understand them. But I can
see through them now.
"The ladies, God bless them! Do you know that
there are a great many men who know absolutely
nothing about women. And there are other men who
wished they knew absolutely nothing about women.
They are funny creatures. Did you ever hear a little
four-foot-high woman saying to her six-foot husband
as he is leaving home after supper : 'Henry, if you are
not home by 9 o'clock I'll beat the life out of you when
you do come home.' He's going out to see his affinity.
II
13
15
1JJ
19
20
22
only laughed and said: "No; the only kinds I have are
vanilla and chocolate."
An Englishman lived next door to a family who had
a pianola. One of the airs it played nearly all the time
was "God Save the King." The Englishman next
door complained that he had to stand up nearly all
night at salute.
A schoolteacher asked little Willie if she laid two
eggs on the table and then laid two more there, how
many would there be? A tough kid on the rear seat
yelled : "None. Yer couldn't lay one."
A girl's father informed her young man that he
might call, but must remember the lights went out at
10 130. He told him to expect him at 1 1 o'clock.
A young man was walking down the street when he
stepped on a banana peel and went flying right into the
arms of a young girl who was coming in the opposite
direction. They became fast friends. They had never
been introducedmerely thrown into each other's
company.
*
34
25
26
2"J
28
29
32
no; he had been sick three weeks, and only looked that
way. They have an interpreter on the O. & W. trains
to tell you what the brakeman says when he calls out
the name of the next station. We met with a terrible
accident, too. The engine struck a cow. No, it didn't
hurt the cow, but she got her tail caught in the cow
catcher somehow and ran away with the train. We
were three hours behind time, but we got in two hours
ahead of time. Have you ever noticed those little flags
on the rear of a train? Do you know what they are
for? They are to keep the cattle from running in the
cars from the rear and annoying the passengers. The
other day an O. & W. train which had never been on
time was announced as approaching a town on time,
and just at noon pulled into the depot. A big crowd of
citizens were on hand to welcome it, and carried the
engineer and conductor to the city hall on their shoul
ders. They protested on the way, but the crowd
would not listen to them. When they finally got a
chance to talk they explained the train was the one
due the day before, and was just 24 hours late. Well,
uncle and I got talking, and he asked me how I liked
London. I told him great. He said : "I guess you'll
go to England soon, won't you?" I told him I had just
been to Englandthat London was in England. Then
I told him about Paris, and he said: "Are you ever
going to visit the continent ?" I explained to him Paris
was on the continent. So he kept quiet a little while,
and then asked me if I was ever going to Europe.
When we reached Boston I took him up to see the
Bunker Hill Monument, and when I told him what it
34
35
36
37
38
40
41
42
43
44
46
I
IOOO LAUGHS FROM VAUDEVILLE.
47
48
50
52
"I heah dere gwine ter pass sum new game laws."
"Yes, but dey'll never feet de crap games none."
"I pass de plate in our church and de niggahs giv
accawdin to dere means."
"Yes, and dere meanness."
"I understand dey has finished your new church and
that it will be open soon."
"Yes, we is gwine ter dessicate and confiscate it next
Sunday."
i
"When yer see er higgah wearing er three-dollar
Prince Albert and er wearin' a high hat it's er suh
sign
"
"Dat his wife takes in washin'."
"Does you know why money is lik er secret?"
"No; why is it?"
"Kase it's hard ter keep."
S3
took cigars till you got two pockets full, and den when
you schust hadt to dreat you passed around dose cigars
vot de odder vellows had pought. Den you ate all der
free lunch you could holdt and vanted ter wrap der
rest of it up and dake it home ? Vot did you did midt
dot half-dolloar vat you hadt but neffer spendt?"
"I pought myself a house and lot at Vest Arlington
mid it."
"Vas it a bargain?"
"You bedt it vas. I pay der fifty cents down and er
nickel a veek der rest of my life."
"Did you gid er condract?"
"Vell, I hope, yes. Dere is er cat's clause in it."
"Er cat's clause. Vot is dot for ?"
"So as if you doandt like it, you can scratch it oudt."
"Vos dot all?"
"Oh, no. Vorse don dot. If I die pefore I git done
paying for it, den it goes to my widow."
"Pudt suppose you are not married?"
"Den it goes to my children."
"Vy haf you neffer married?"
"Pecause voman vos a delusion."
"Acht, Got in Himmel! I know now vy men like
to hug delusions."
"You vos swift, all right."
"Vot is swift?"
"Swift is der quickness with vich a fool and his rich
vife's money vas soon parded."
"Hadt a skiddoo omelette lasdt night."
"Vat is it, a skiddoo omelette?"
"Vy, you dake 23 eggs and beat id."
54
55
W. E. WHITTLE, VENTRILOQUIST.
"I did not see you in church last Sunday."
Patsy"I guess not ; I took up the collection."
"I hear you have been ill, couldn't get your mind on
your business, couldn't sleep, had no appetite, etc."
"Yes, I have been feeling badly of late ; what would
you advise me to do?"
Patsy"Marry the girl."
"Have you any bad habits you cannot cure?"
Patsy"Yes, I am ashamed to say. I have."
"What are they?"
"Voting for Bryan."
"Did you ever consider thut it is better to be alone
than in bad company?"
Patsy"Yes ! Good-bye."
57
58
60
62
tor did it. Mother had indigestion and doctor told her
she must chew her food and asked what God had
given her her teeth for. She told him He didn't give
them to her ; that she bought them. He also told her
she needed rest and she asked him to look at her
tongue. He said that was what needed rest most.
She said she was worried about money, but he said he
would soon relieve her of that. He is a great doctor
all right. An old lady next door to us was just linger
ing at the gates of death, but he pulled her through.
Just befor. she died he asked her if there was any
wish she desired to communicate before dissolution
and she said: "Yes, she wished she had engaged an
other doctor." Our doctor once asked mother if father
was regular in his habits. She said only in his breath
ing. Doctor was talking the other day about an op
eration he was going to perform, and I asked him if
he thought the man could stand it. He said he had to
stand it; he was a millionaire. A man who suffered
with shortness of breath went to our doctor. He soon
put a stop to it. Doctor has some great patients, swell
people ; all of them have the dropsy. The other day he
invented a new cough syrup and he says it never fails.
He tried it on one of his patients and he coughed up
$9 he had been owing him a year or more. When
father was sick doctor came to see him every day and
he soon got well. He told the doctor he would never
forget him for saving his life, and doctor told him he
owed him for fourteen visits, and please not to forget
that also. He said father had the grip, which was
especially dangerous from the fact that it was so often
63
64
65
66
gitting busy wif you. Den she say she gwine in ter
unchain de dawg and ah just faded away, jedge."
"Amelia, you have charged this man with assaulting
you. What did he do?"
"Jedge, dere ain't much dat niggah didn't do, and
I'm er gwine ter tell you all de truf erbout it. Dat
business erbout last night and him er trying ter butt
in on de party wuz de truf, kase he wasn't invited and
he wusn't wanted, but dis heah sault done curred dis
mawnin' in de Ivy Grove Cemetery. Ah had been tak
ing de wash home ter Mr. John Henry Stone, out near
Manchester, and was er takin er short cut home
through de cemetery, when ah comes ercross dis nig
gah putting gravel on de walk. Soon as he spied me
he yelled out, 'Hey, you flat-foot wench ! wayfoh you
not let me in dat party last night?' I done tole him
dat ah knowed how he done eat at parties and dat dis
one wasn't fur him. Den he say ah am no good and
he gwine ter scandalize mah character. Ah tell him
ef he do dere is gwine ter be one niggah crap-shooter
missing frum whar he lib. Den he say he gwine ter
slap de taste outen mah mouth. An dat he gwine ter
knock me so far dat it will cost $8 ter send me er'postcard. Den he askt me what section of de cemetery I
prefer ter be planted in. Ah done tole him dat he wus
a wuffless niggah and ef he got gay wif me ah could
jest hear him er saying 'Good mawnin', Jedge.' Wid
dat, Your Honor, dat nigger done slam me up ergainst
er monument so hard dat ah done think de angel
gwine ter fall off de top."
68
yO
71
72
73
74
75
A VAUDEVILLE FABLE.
BY JACK NORWORTH, "THE COLLEGE BOY."
Once or twice upon a time there lived a female sin
ger. She was a lady. She was a lady because she
didn't have to tell everybody that she was. She had
been in vaudeville from the time it was low down
variety up to the present stage, where it is called Vode
Veal. She had a dandy voice. She could knock the
tar out of a coon song and when it came to chirping
a ballad, she was there. The audience liked her be
cause they could understand every word she said.
She had been head-lined at Pastor's three times, and
never played South Bend. She never took less than
five bows no matter where she was on a bill. After
she had a strangle hold on the American vaudeville
77
78
79
80
Si
83
84
j
"You looked so absent-minded when I saw you this
morning."
87
89
9*
"I can't."
"Why?"
"I live around the corner."
"Well, all you did when you boarded here, anyhow,
was to growl."
"Why wouldn't I growl? All we got to eat was
sausage."
And then the male member of the team lapses into
yerse. This is the result:
"Willie went to tack the carpet
And he gave his thumb a jam,
Which made Willie very angry,
And he softly murmured:
Mother! Mother!
Bring the liniment!"
No More in StockFarmer Gives His Progressive
Son-in-Law Warning.
A farmer who had wedded and buried four wives,
all sisters, went to call on his father-in-law. The old
gentleman, who was rather deaf, had still one daugh
ter left to himLizzie.
Said the visitor:
"I want Lizzie."
"Hey?"
"I want youto give meElizabeth."
"Oh, you want me to give you Elizabeth?" What
for?"
"I want to marry her."
92 (
93
94
THE GEM
LIBRARY ("SP)
PRICE 10 CENTS
THIS SERIES, made from new plates, contains
the latest Jokes, Monologues, Witty Sayings and
Bits of Humor. Used by the most noted Vaudeville
Artists of the day. Laugh and the world laughs
with you. These books are one continual laugh
from cover to cover. THIS SERIES also contains
popular Hand Books, Dream Books, Tricks, Games,
etc. A universal collection of knowledge. The books
dwell on subjects everyone is desirous of knowing
about. The Authors are well versed on the subjects
they have treated and have spared no pains to make
the books authentic as well as interesting. Five
minutes' inspection of any of these books invariably
determines the examiner that he wants it. They are
strictly up to date.
He.
M
H
M
H
M
M
M
H
M
N
H
M
M
N
44
H
M
M
M
M
M
M
H
No.
44
44
44
44
44
44
44
44
44
44
44
44
44
44
44
44
44
44
44
44
44
44
44
44
2E After-Dinner Stories
26 Stage Jokes
27 Fortune-Telling by Casdl
28 Puzzles
80 Vaudeville Joke!
81 How to Make Low
82 How to Become Beautiful
88 Ventriloquism
84 Variety Jokes
85 Irish JokesA New tbsfj
86 SmilesAll Jokes
8T Complete Letter Writs*
88 Love-Letter Writer
89 Business-Letter Write!
40 Battling Ford Jokes
41 Sparring and Boxing
42 Soaring Jokes
43 Fun, Magic and MystetK
44 Caon Jokes
46 Good Time Joke!
46 Prize Jokes
47 Snappy Jokes
48 Smart Set Jokes
49 Jolly Jokes
E0 Band Wagon Jokes
SENT UPON RECEIPT OP 10 CENTS, AND ADD 2 CENTS A COPY FOR POSTAGE
OR 10 COPIES FOR $1.00, POSTPAID.
Price 25c,
Price, 25 Cents
"OH A SLOW TRAIN"
(Ths Original Storr)
And many other humorous rMlrord
stories. The best jokes and popular
sayings told by the bes Vaudeville
and Minstrel Jokers. Fully illus
trated. This book also contains the
following stories: "The Tramp's
Railroad Story." "The Hard Luck
Railroad Story,""De Hebrew Lodge,"
"The After Dinner Speech," "Morbid
Mike's Misfortune.' Personal Rerr
iniscences of J. J. Corbett," "Billy!
Dam's Reception," and many othei,
stories in Hebrew (Yiddish), Irisl
German, Tramp, Negro (Minstre
Dialect Stories. 98 pages of laughs.
It thsre Is another laufh In roil It
will hM to come out.
Magic
Playing
Cards
9S3
No. 293
No. 294
No. 296
Nifty Deck
Daisy Deck
Deland's Dollar Deck
We manufacture five decks. Each of these is entirely
different. Special tricks can be performed with each.
No. 29G. Deland's Dollar Deck.This deck contains over 12,000
secret marks. Some seemingly impossible feats in magic can
be performed with it.
No. 294. Daisy Deck.The backs of this deck contain a system
of marks which can be read at a distance of 15 feet. Wonder
ful for stage use.
No. 293. Nifty Deck.This deck is especially suited for long
distance reading. The directions tell you how to accomplish
some seemingly impossible feats.
No. 295. Adams' League Deck.These cards can be "told"
from the back as well as the front. You can perform an
entire act in magic with their aid.
No. 292. Star Deck.This is the latest addition to our Magic
Decks. It contains a smaller design than any of the others.
It is easy to read when the secret is known; otherwise detec
tion of the secret marks is almost impossible.
With these cards YOU can accomplish feats in Magic equal
to any performed by professional Magicians.
Price per deck (postpaid) One Dollar
I. & M. OTTENHEIMER, PUBLISHERS,
800 802 E. FAYETTE ST. Cor. FRONT ST.
BALTIMORE f
MARYLAND
The
Latest
fill'' "1mti
and
PRICE
IO CENTS
Best
Joke Books
on
the
Market.
EESfifM2H<3