A Simple Phrase That Can Prevent

Arguments and Resentment

Its not the events of our lives that shape us, but our beliefs as to what those events mean.
~Tony Robbins
I am always making up stories about what others think of me or what they really meant when
they made that comment. And I typically make up the worst case scenario. According to my
brain, everyone is mean-spirited and ridiculing me.
This is not an uplifting way to live ones life. The pessimistic stories I create are generated in
part by my low self-esteem, and by convincing myself theyre true, I continue to fuel it. My
constantly negative perceptions affect my relationships with others and overall mood in a
harmful way.
I recently experienced a huge breakthrough in regard to this aspect of my thought processes. I am
a huge fan of Dr. Bren Browns work and recently read her newest book Rising Strong. One of
my biggest takeaways was this one phrase that will improve your relationships: The story Im
making up

Why We Make Up Stories

As humans, our brains make up stories. We automatically search for meaning. If there is a lack
of information, then we will try to fill in that gap.
Studies have shown that we like stories to make sense or fulfill a pattern, and we will use our
own experiences as reference for this.
Brown actually says that research shows we get a dopamine hit when we recognize a
pattern. Our brains especially like it if the story can give us more insight into how to
protect ourselves and secure our survival.
This is why we make up stories to explain why bad things happen. If we know the cause, next
time we can plan accordingly to avoid the situation altogether. Unfortunately, even though we
honestly believe them to be true, the stories we make up are usually at least somewhat
inaccurate.
This is where the phrase, The story Im making up works to clear things up in our
interactions with others.

How to Use It
The story Im making up can be used in times of struggle or conflict with another
person. Perhaps a co-worker quickly changed the subject after you expressed a concern about a

project. You can use this phrase to say, The story Im making up is that Im being dismissed
because my opinion is not valued.
Or maybe your significant other flipped on the television when its supposed to be date night.
You can say, The story Im making up is that our relationship is not a priority to you. It is an
effective tool that can be used in family, friend, work, and romantic relationships.
Recently my husband and I were arguing. He shared his feelings with me, which is often
challenging for him. Because I know he really appreciates physical affection (and I struggle to
give it), I chose to pull him into a hug instead of responding verbally.
The hug did not feel reciprocal as his arms were loosely around me. I was vulnerable when
I offered physical affection, and his lackluster embrace registered as a cold shoulder to me.
I was feeling very hurt as I told him, The story Im making up is that this lifeless hug is an
expression of rejection.
He apologized and explained that he did not intend to reject me; he was just feeling thrown off
by my lack of spoken response.
His mind was whirling trying to figure out a sense-making story as well. The story Im making
up created a space for us to share our intentions and feelings and work through the
misunderstandings in a calm and safe environment.

Why Use It
The beauty of this phrase is that it provides the setting to speak openly without initiating a
defensive reaction from whomever youre speaking with. It allows you to honestly express your
experience while still taking responsibility for your own feelings. This is a disarming method of
communication that leads to a more productive dialogue.
The story Im making up becomes an opportunity to revisit a confusing or troubling
situation. From there you can challenge your perceptions and reality-check them against
the viewpoint of the other person. It provides space for the other person to clarify their
intentions.
The majority of the time this phrase stops an argument before it can even start for me and my
husband. When one of us is feeling confused, hurt, or misunderstood, we tell the other what story
were making up.
Oftentimes the other person clears up the issue without any conflict because typically our
intentions with one another are good.
Miscommunication and negative assumption are the causes of so much unintentional and
unnecessary conflict in relationships. Instead of getting into a fight or silently resenting the other
person, using the phrase, The story Im making up establishes a safe place for meaningful
dialogue to gain better understanding of the situation and one another.

You may realize there actually is no issue, or if there is, you can continue to work through it
together in a respectful and effective manner.
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