University of Hartford
Volume 666, Issue 666
The MisInformer
cat story
Chapter 1
Once upon a time, the cat
went outside to play. Let’’s
say about 20 years ago (it’’s
his winter outt).
Chapter 2
Then one day, the cat
went away and found a
new home, inside a warm
and cozy basketball court.
Chapter 3
Then 2,500 of his closest
friends showed up (““oh
hai””) and made things very
uncomfortable for him.
Chapter 4
Finally, one day, the cat
grew up and went outside
to play again. He lived hap-
pily ever after. Fin.
Weather
On The 7’’s
Global
Warming:
Ofcially a
thing.
(It’’s hot.)
www.hartfordinformer.com December 21, 2012
NAVY TO UHA: ANCHOR AWAY!
By Jeremy Stanley
Ahoy Matey!
A long time standby on the Uni-
versity of Hartford campus has bid
an abrupt farewell.
The anchor, originally part of the
““U.S.S. Hartford”” ship that saw 67
years of service in the military, was
repossessed last night in part of a
Naval Historical Society restora-
tion project.
The project, which Navy ofcials
say began in 2004, was only made
known to University administration
two weeks ago, under the condition
of secrecy.
The Navy came to an agreement
verbally with President Walter
Harrison to remove the anchor at
an unspecied time, Harrison said
in an e-mail to students.
““Although we lose one of our
most unique and precious artifacts
that the campus has ever had the
pleasure of having, we can nd
solace in knowing that the military
values something that has had a DAVID HITCHINGS
dening presence on our campus,””
wrote Harrison. One of the centerpieces in the campus was taken overnight by the Naval Historical Society.
““Originally, when the Navy had
requested the anchor, they said they security issues on the campus that ““icon”” of the campus, others ex- ““It was embarrassing, to say the
would remove the spray paint that Public Safety and Hartford Police pressed indifference at its overnight least. I hadn’’t received any e-mail
our students have used on it over is not equipped to handle,”” Har- disappearance. about it since it was so early in the
the years. I would not allow it——the rison wrote. Red Key tour guides were blind- morning, so I had no idea anything
remaining design on the anchor is ““It is not an easy decision, by sided in the morning, some tour was amiss,”” another tour guide said.
how it will be and forever be,”” he any stretch of the imagination, but guides spoke on the condition of One student touring the campus
wrote. a piece of the Navy that became a anonymity about the anchor. said, ““The anchor was the main reason
““If I could change it in any way, piece of the University of Hartford ““When I took my rst group out by why I wanted to attend the university.
I would have informed the student will once again be a piece of the the Bates House, I went along with my This is a deal breaker.””
body to begin with——this just wasn’’t Navy,”” Harrison wrote. usual script until a student stopped me Trinity University, which has
feasible, as the Navy said knowing Students responded to the change when I talked about the anchor and its own salvage from the ship, is
when the anchor was going to be with mixed reactions. Many mourn- how it gets spray painted by student expected to give up its artifact in
removed could create potential ed the loss of what they called an organizations,”” one tour guide said. the coming weeks.
By Alexandria Hubbard
Cat Got Your Tongue
On the heels of the Swine Flu,
a new strain of u has begun to
plague the university community,
and students should begin to take
the necessary steps to protect
themselves.
The LOLCat Flu, or C1N5, has
infected nearly 500 university stu-
dents over the past two weeks. The
rst case was reported just after
Spring Break, but university of-
cials have remained quiet about it.
Symptoms of this strain include
the regular u symptoms such as
aches throughout the body and
a fever.
However, with C1N5 a person
who has been infected has the
tendency to start speaking in in-
complete sentences, often begin
writing in phonetics and has a
strong craving for cheeseburgers.
An infected individual also has FLICKR.COM/PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY DAVID HITCHINGS
a strong inclination to meow like
a cat. This particular symptom has something we had not seen be- diately seek an outside clinic if he about the rapid increase of C1N5
caused a great deal of distraction in
many classes in the past two weeks.
fore,”” said Dr. Susan William, a
doctor at Health Services. ““We
or she cannot get an appointment
right away on campus.
on the Hartford campus. President
Walter Harrison is expected to hold
““I was in the middle of a lecture,
and one of my students just started
were unaware of how to deal with
this, so we were forced to call the
Students are being asked to
go home to be quarantined until
a press conference by Friday, April
2 to address the community about
meowing,”” said one professor who Center for Disease Control.”” they are symptom-free if they are what to do and what this strain of
wished to remain anonymous. ““At The CDC conrmed that it was diagnosed with C1N5. the u means for the community.
rst I thought it was a disciplinary C1N5 and immediately prescribed
antibiotics for the student. He was
If a student cannot go home, then
they are asked to self-quarantine
Until then, students who believe
they may have been exposed to
issue, like some new fad kids are
sent to be quarantined at his home themselves to their room on C1N5 are being asked to imme-
doing these days. I was close to
kicking him out, when I realized away from campus for the next campus. Friends or suitemates diately go to Health Services and
how sick he looked.”” three weeks until the symptoms of a student with C1N5 can get stop attending classes.
The student claimed to be fever- subside. meals for that student through the Professors have been notied of
ish and dizzy, so the professor After the rst case was reported, ““Get Well Buddy”” program. This the rise in cases and are prepared
allowed him to leave the classroom more and more ooded the center. program was implemented at the to utilize Blackboard for students
to go to Health Services. When Students are being directed to other height of the H1N1 pandemic in who cannot attend class.
he arrived, the staff was just as clinics in the nearby area so they the fall. ““I just hope we can contain this as
alarmed as the professor was. can receive adequate care. Health University of cials have not soon as possible; the meowing in the
““Just like with H1N1, it was Services advises students to imme- yet released an ofcial statement ofce needs to stop,”” said William.
page 2 the misinformer news April 1, 2010

QUAD 1 will be Demolished: Beck Heads to Russia

New Parking Options By Keith Rugar
To Russia, With Love

After the historic passing of

By Ben Gyurik
Official Demolisher
With housing deadlines com-
ing to an end, the University
sought to make students’’ lives
easier.
Parking often has become a
hard thing to come by on campus,
and after a long debate on how
to come up with a space large
enough to accommodate more
parking, the university came to
a conclusion.
After a recent meeting with
a demolition contractor over
spring break, university officials
and President Walter Harrison
came to an agreement.
According to President Har-
rison, the University has found
that with creating this new park-
ing space, students will have a
temporarily lowered housing
cost for the upcoming 2010-2011
semesters.
Vice President of Student Af-
fairs Lee Peters explained, ““We
discussed the best possible area
to find adequate parking, and
the university decided that by
replacing one of the housing
units in the Quads –– that would
be our best bet. We found Quad
1 to be the most suitable for a
parking space, as it is adjacent
to Lot G near the Operations
building, and could easily be
made an extension of the lot.””
This is where the demolition
of the Quad will allow students
to see a reduction in their hous-
ing costs for the upcoming
semesters.
““To make things move along
more swiftly, students that ap-
plied for housing in Quad One,
will be randomly assigned to
other housing units,”” elaborated
Harrison.
Students unsatisfied with the
change, are offered to look for
housing off-campus, however
they will not be able to take
advantage of the reduction in
housing costs.
““They should welcome the
random housing assignments, as
we are looking at this as an op-
portunity to make the University
a more tightly knit community
again,”” said Peters.
For the 2010-2011 semesters,
students will have two to three
newly assigned roommates
joining their housing units at
random.
““To be more understanding of
students, the University will be
sending out a questionnaire to
every student living on campus
about their interests, as the Uni-
versity will do its best to assign
students with similar interests,””
said Peters.
The demolition crews will
begin working towards the end
of this spring, and quad one
should be demolished, and re-
paved into an extension of Lot
G a few weeks before the start
of the 2010 fall semester.
When asked about the cost for
the demolitions, Vice President
Peters explained that it is still
under negotiations, but part of
the tuition increase students
experienced last year will be
used for the extension of Lot G.
““By making the availability
for more parking, we hope that
we will be able to allow more
commuter parking, and allow
for more parking for school
events. The location of the lot
also makes it more suitable for
people living on campus to park
their vehicles in a more conve-
nient location closer to their
housing,”” said Harrison.
When the topic about students
that applied for living arrange-
ments in Quad 1 for next year
were brought up, President Har-
rison said,
““The economy hasn’’t made
education as easily affordable
for students. By making this pos-
sible, in the end we really only
hope to make students have their
education be given to them at a
more reasonable price, and be
even closer to each other much
more than before.””
the National Health Care Bill last
week, nationally syndicated radio
and TV host Glenn Beck nally
broke down and said he was leav-
ing the United States and going
somewhere where his opinions
and views match that of the politi-
cal climate in that country.
Yes, it looks like Beck is nally
moving to Russia.
Russia’’s current health care sys-
tem is rated as one of the worst in
the world, where individuals who
can’’t pay for health insurance often
offer doctors with ““donations”” in
return for free care.
According to an article by Annie
Lowery for foreignpolicy.com,
““Anyone who can afford it pays
out-of ––pocket for private hospi-
tals and doctors……consumers can
pick their own insurance plan. In
reality, their employers generally
do it for them, bought-off by the
insurers.””
If this does not sound like the
free market insurance system that
Beck has been begging to establish
in the United States, I don’’t know
what is.
Beck, who cries when he
thinks that the Government will
control your health care and
leave old people without doctors
to care for them, ““would be more
comfortable in a country where
the government has no control
over the private sector,”” said
MSNBC host Keith Olberman.
This lack of control in the health
care system was do in part to the
collapse of the Soviet Union in 1989
and a transition to a public-private
model. According to Lowery, ““In
2006, Vladimir Putin’’s Government
approved a $3.2 billion health care
reform plan that failed to improve
the system.”” With policies such as
paying doctors to perform primary
care, Lowery writes, ““It did not ad-
dress any of the health care system’’s
structural defects.””
With the passing of the new U.S.
health care bill, which provides
coverage to 30-31 million uninsured
citizens, Beck calls it the centerpiece
of a progressive structure, and would
like to return to a time when pay as
you go was the law of the land.
With this, the once overly patriotic
Beck could now join the Socialist
nation. ““This is a long-term strategy,
someone has to be standing when
that evil capitalism nally fails us,””
Beck said.
This is part of the political power
grab that Beck has warned American
citizens about for the last year. Beck
once stated, ““Every time the govern-
ment grows we lose more of who we
are.”” Beck may feel more comfortable
in a country whose government can-
not control the private sector.
However, his true apparition of
the Russia’’s health care policy after
the switch to a public-private policy
are evident in his comments, this is
exactly what happened in the Soviet
Union. ““The leaders there saw the
writing on the wall,”” said Beck.

Lady Gaga Poetry Class Offered in the Fall Semester

By Keith Rugar
King of All Things Gaga

The lyrics of pop icon Lady Gaga

will be the focus of a new poetry
course for the fall 2010 semester.
The new poetry 101 course, titled
““Gaga: A Look at Postmodern
Poetry,”” will analyze the poetic
structure and lyrical meaning be-
hind Gaga’’s music.
““With lyrics such as ‘‘Rah-rah-
ah-ah-ah, Roma, Roma-ma, Ga Ga,
ooh la la,’’ Gaga’’s use of phonetic
speech takes primitive verbal com-
munication to another level,”” said
visiting professor Samuel Davis,
a graduate of the Phoenix online
school of poetry with a Master’’s
Degree in postmodernist poetry.
Davis will be teaching the course
that will be offered for the fall se-
mester only. ““Gaga’’s creative use
of assonance and poetic imagery
should make this course a must
for any English student,”” he said.
In a text received by the Informer
staff, freshmen creative writing
student Brittney Rosenberg wrote
““OMG, Lady Gaga roks, I can’’t w8
2 take this class, LOL.””
The University’’s English De-
partment established this course
due to a lack of interest among
students in classical poetry. ““Stu-
dents were no longer interested in
Keats, Coleridge or Wordsworth,
so we wanted to make poetry more COURTESY OF FASHION-STYLIST.NET COURTESY OF STUPIDCELEBRITIES.NET
accessible to today’’s students,”” ““Gaga: A Look at Postmodern Poetry”” will be offered as an introductory poetry elective for the Fall semester.
said administrative assistant Dana
Galin. ““We are the rst university Professor Charles Ross, whose are going to allow some slacker class on Lady Gaga, that rocks.”” light as John Keats and James Joyce.
to offer a course such as this one, focus is on modernist literature to teach a class on Lady Gaga!”” Gaga has gained popularity ““I’’m still opposed to it,”” said Ross.
and we hope it will attract new said, ““This course is an attack on However, not all faculty mem- amongst music fans since 2008 for ““But if it will get more students
students,”” she said. the very essence of my work, I have bers disapprove of the added her unique sense of style and her interested in literature, it can’’t be
But not all of the university’’s written books on D.H. Lawrence course curriculum. Professor Ben- blend of dance and pop music. But all that bad.””
faculty members are excited by and teach students about writers jamin Grossberg, a published poet sentiment still varies on campus For more information on the new
the department’’s new focus on like James Joyce, and the true who teaches classes on contempo- about the usefulness if a course that course contact the English depart-
postmodern poetry. nature of literature. And now they rary U.S. poetry, said, ““Dude, a puts Lady Gaga’’s prose in the same ment at galin@hartford.edu.
 the misinformer news April 1, 2010 page 3

Demolition of Alumni House Expose Human Remains

By Alexandria Hubbard
Ofcial uncoverer of ALL things
awesome and 100 percent accurate

Human remains were found in the

rubble of the recently-demolished
Alumni House on Bloomeld Av-
enue, and West Hartford police are
now investigating the nd.
Investigators report that as the de-
bris of the house was being cleared,
a construction worker saw something
that he thought resembled a human
leg bone. He called over his supervi-
sor, Don McHart, who called West
Hartford police.
““I thought maybe it was just a really
big dog that had died, but I wanted to
be sure,”” said McHart. ““The last thing
I wanted was for it to be something
huge that I didn’’t report.””
Police arrived to the area on Satur-
day, March 27 and began partitioning
off the scene. As crews continued to
dig, they found more bones. Police
immediately noted that the bones
were far too large to be a part of an
animal but could not conrm that it
was a human body until they found
the skull.
On Tuesday, they uncovered the
skull. Police have closed off the
construction site as an investigation
zone. Construction on the Hebrew
High School of New England has COURTESY OF MYWESTHARTORDLIFE.COM
been postponed indenitely.
““We will be investigating the Human remains found at build site for the Hebrew High School of New England and the construction has been postponed.
remaining area to determine if there
is anything else buried there that these remains could help close one of before we present everything to the in 1970. The house was originally carriage house, which will be made
we should know about,”” said West those cases. community. However, we do know built in 1913. into an art and music center.
Hartford Police Ofcer Steve Mark. University ofcials are expected that the situation is being handled with The university sold the house to the Ofcials for the Hebrew High
Police are conducting an investigation to release a statement to students the utmost importance by the West Hebrew High School of New England School of New England have stated
to uncover the identity of the remains and faculty with more information Hartford police and other government in 2007, but the university continued in the past that they hoped to open
and to determine what happened. regarding the investigation by Satur- agencies.”” to occupy the house until September the school to students for the next
Missing persons cases in Con- day. President Walter Harrison said, Ofcials at the university claim they 2009. Demolition of the house began academic year. However, these
necticut over the past 50 years are also ““We want to make sure we have as were unaware of any of the skeletal in February. The only remaining piece dates are now tentative due to the
being investigated. Police believe that many facts to this case as possible remains when they acquired the house of the original structure is a small pending investigation.

Boats Can Park

By J.D. Salinjer
Editor-in-Briefs
The University of Hartford, in
response to recent ooding, will
turn the low-lying portions of D-
Lot into a port for student boats.
Being implemented immediate-
ly, students who wish to park their
boats in the renamed ““D-Port”” will
pay the permit price to keep their
boats on campus over the course
of the semester.
Public Safety ofcials said in a
statement that the opening of the
port would provide ““more oppor-
tunities for students to get to and
from campus.””
However, while the boat-park-
ing permit allows speedboats as
well as rowboats, the new rules
prohibit parking of what Public
Safety calls ““party boats:”” yachts
and sailboats.
SGA released a statement that
praised Public Safety for allowing
more vehicles to park on campus,
but at the same time criticized the
move to ban the ““party boats””
from campus.
““Some students can’’t afford
both a yacht and a speedboat and
are therefore left out of the equa-
tion when it comes to providing
adequate situations.””
There’’s also the issue of space
in D-Port.
““We’’re assessing demand at the
moment, but if it is as high as it
appears to be, we will consider
opening up parking in the Public
Safety parking area across from
Park River,”” said a Public Safety
ofcer.
Students are asked to travel at
Informer Printing Press
campus speed limits when arriving
on campus. Drunk driving laws
also apply to campus, as well, an
ofcer said.
It also comes with a few other
restrictions; chief among them is
the 24-hour moratorium on playing
the song ““I’’m on a Boat”” by The
Lonely Island.
““The song, ‘‘I’’m on a Boat’’ is
a song from 2009, by a bunch of
‘‘Saturday Night Live’’ actors and
T-Pain. It’’s also very annoying to
hear a bunch of college kids sing
it. Yes, we get it; you’’re actually
on a boat. Who cares?”” said one
administration member speaking
on the condition of anonymity
(Walter Harrison).
Boat sellers are jumping on this
opportunity to begin selling boats
to students on campus.
Devin Moriarti, owner of
Devin’’s Boats in Cape Cod,
FOR RENT
Mass., has begun advertising in
local papers in the area.
$ 300 Per 10-14 Page newspaper
““It’’s not often you get to of-
fer a landlocked university the The Informer Press is in good condition.
opportunity to have a boat on
campus. Good thing our prices Recently repaired and is able to print about
are ‘‘landlocked’’ at the cheapest 200 pages per minute. This press is reliable
in the Northeast,”” Moriarti said.
Students with boats who also and easy to use.
wish to park their car on campus
can take advantage of Public
Safety’’s ““Buy one spot, get a For More information please e-mail
second spot half price”” deal.
In an e-mail sent out to students,
Public Safety said that students Johann Gutenberg at jgutenberg@hartford.edu
could get two car parking spaces or
two boat parking spaces as well as
the opportunity to have one vehicle
on water and one vehicle on land.
page 4 the misinformer news April 1, 2010

3D Available on Current TV Breaking News:

By David Hitchings between the TV and yourself until in recent years hope this will boost
Objects may appear larger than
they are

Starting this week your TV will

be able to display 3D images thanks
to technological advances from a
consortium of TV manufactures.
The new technology is called
Dimensionally Imposed Mechan-
ics (DIM) and allows the pixels on
your TV screen to receive complex
information and display it regard-
less of the brand or age of your TV.
Developed by leading scientists at
Sony, Toshiba and LG, the technol-
ogy is a modication of the current
digital signal. Long Wang, lead
engineer from Sony described the
technology at the launch event,
““DIM is one of the most amazing
things to happen to your television
since color. It’’s a bit like a magic eye
puzzle, the images just jump out at
you. It’’s quite unlike anything we’’ve
ever seen before.””
The analogy to magic eye is a
close one, requiring the viewer to
look just past the screen for the 3D
effect to take affect. If the program
you are watching is being broadcast
in 3D and you are unable to see the
picture, try adjusting the distance
the image becomes clear.
The technology has already gone
into effect in Japan with glowing
compliments of millions of TV
users.
After a fairly long drawn out FCC
debate due to specic illnesses as-
sociated with the new technology,
the signal was approved a month
ago. Due to the nature of the signal,
current cable carriers will be able
to supply the new signal with little
to no cost in an immediate manner.
Networks like NBC, FOX and
CNN have already expressed inter-
est in using the new technology on
their shows. Entertainment Presi-
dent Kevin Reilly said of FOX’’s
commitment to the new technology,
““we plan to incorporate the tech-
nology extensively in the coming
weeks.””
Episodes of 24, House, Human
Target and American Idol will all
use the technology during their
seasons. Jeff Zucker President and
CEO of NBC had similar remarks,
““our most popular shows like The
Marriage Ref and Dateline will
be broadcast in living 3D starting
this week.”” NBC who have been
struggling with TV programming
their declining ratings. Of CNN’’s
transition to DIM, Wolf Blitzer had
this to say, ““You’’re in the Situation
Room.””
Norwhals Sunk Titanic,
While some have criticized the
big movement to 3D as a pointless
gimmick, others are relishing the
Icebergs Falsely Accused
opportunity to see the Kardashians
as if they were actually in their liv-
ing room.
The uptake is startling to a group
who has protested the technology
from the start. The group who go by
the name the TeaV Party claim that
the new technology is dangerous. In
one study, out of 100 people who
used the technology ve suffered
seizures, two lost their eyesight
and one died of complications most
likely related to the new technology.
Julius Genachowski, the chairman
of the FCC described the results
as ““tolerable,”” adding, ““The TeaV
Party is the party that sends in all
those stupid complaints about Fam-
ily Guy. That show is hilarious!””
Check your local schedules for ERICA CLAYTON
shows transmitted in the new 3D
technology in the coming weeks. Icebergs are no longer to blame for the sinking of the Titanic,
For more information check out the Scientists discovered that the real cause was Norwhals.
FCC’’s brilliant Web site or those of
The damage to the hull of the ship was not caused by the
your local stations and networks.
Iceberg but by the Norwhal horns.

O’’Brien Returning To NBC, By Erica Clayton

Iceberg Activist
New information from the
of the narwhal.””
According to the Narwhal
Awareness Fund’’s Web site, www.
welovenarwhalsintheocean.org,

Consulting Leno, Favre For Advice International Sunken-Ship

By Harris Decker
Conan’’s No. 1 Fan
After a long bitter battle between
NBC, Jay Leno and Conan O’’Brien
resulted in Leno returning to ““The
Tonight Show,”” O’’Brien being
kicked to the curb and NBC taking
all of the heat, it seems as if things
might nally be returning to normal
at the network.
Despite huge ratings, NBC has
decided to move Leno back into
his 10 o’’clock time slot and will
reinstate O’’Brien as host of ““The
Tonight Show.”” The move came
after NBC realized that if they didn’’t
resign O’’Brien, he would likely go to
a rival network. Ironically, the same
problem presented itself originally
when Leno was set to ““retire”” from
NBC. Another factor in bringing
O’’Brien back was the emptiness
of the time slot left vacant by Leno.
““The decision had to be made””
Jeff Zucker, NBC’’s President
said, ““we would either bring back
““Friends”” ““ER”” and ““Seinfeld”” or
bring O’’Brien back to NBC. There
is no room for error this time. Bring-
ing back the classic lineup of NBC
shows was our original plan but then
we saw Jennifer Aniston in ““The
Bounty Hunter”” and rethought our
options. The choice was obvious.
We are bringing Conan back to late
night, on NBC.””
O’’Brien has contacted Leno to ask
what it is like replacing someone
against their will. Also in consul-
tation for O’’Brien is Brett Favre.
The long time Green Bay Packer
who returned to football to play for
the rival Minnesota Vikings is no
stranger to come backs. His numer-
ous head injuries prevented Favre
from being a huge help to O’’Brien
but he did advise that he would most
likely get booed when he returned
to Green Bay. Noticeably confused,
O’’Brien thanked Favre for his help.
In his time away from late night,
O’’Brien has taken up a Twitter
account as a way to pass the time,
Research Institute at the
North Atlantic University has
uncovered that the Titanic,
the c.1912 ship that stole our
hearts in James Cameron’’s
““Titanic”” may not have actu-
ally met her demise thanks
to an iceberg. That’’s right, it
wasn’’t the iceberg’’s fault. As
a matter of fact, new studies
are beginning to question the
general danger of icebergs to
ships. As it turns out, they’’re
not dangerous; they were just
given a bad reputation after the
false accusations of sinking
the Titanic.
So what did sink the Ti-
tanic? Theorists have guessed
anything from sea mines to an
insider sabotage, but it turned
out to be a creature nobody
would’’ve ever suspected if this
new information hadn’’t been
found: the narwhal. Yes, that’’s
right, new evidence is suggest-
ing that many of the rivets that
were popped on the ship’’s hull
were destroyed in the midst of
a narwhal attack.
Dr. Wesley Snipes, head
scientist at the International
Sunken-Ship Research Insti-
tute and professor at North
Atlantic University, believes
this to be an overwhelmingly
COURTESY OF TWITCHFILM.NET amazing discovery. ““It was an
easy discovery that had been
Conan O’’Brien is replacing Jay Leno on ““The Tonight Show.”” staring us in the face for years,
often acting out various elements of and is excited about another shot but we refused to believe it -
his late night career in his backyard. at primetime. ““The only reason I or even consider it - due to its
We asked O’’Brien about his deci- thought it would fail the rst time absurdity,”” says Snipes, ““but
sion to return to NBC. ““The only is because NBC did not promote the when we began to reconsider
offers on the table were from NBC new time slot enough”” Leno said. the theory at this quarter’’s
and Fox. Fox wanted me to step in ““This time they have promised me Titanic Disaster Response and
and replace Kiefer Sutherland on that efforts will be doubled in getting Recovery meeting (sponsored
““24.”” I thought that my personality the word out about my new show at by Apple), the new information
would t perfectly into the drama 10 o’’clock on NBC.”” was brilliant.””
series but just days after the offer, Either way, NBC is hopping in Snipes went on to describe
they pulled the plug on the show their ““Hot Tub Time Machine”” and the new evidence, explaining
altogether. That left NBC.”” turning the clock back to June of that the distinct marks in the
A clearly annoyed O’’Brien will 2009 when O’’Brien rst took over ship’’s hull matched the tip
undoubtedly spend weeks trashing ““The Tonight Show”” from Leno. of a narwhal horn perfectly.
NBC before settling back into his Only time will tell if this next step ““We reopened the theory after
comfort zone behind the desk of for the network will work but Zucker that Narwhal Awareness Fund
““The Tonight Show.”” As for Leno, stated ““we expect the hippies to re- pushed us to look closer at the
he is once again 10 o’’clock bound turn to watch O’’Brien in late night.”” aggressive nature and strength
narwhals have a pack mentality,
and their brute force and strength
is enough to push thousands and
thousands of pounds through
water - even an iceberg. Snipes
concludes that a tusking of nar-
whals could easily push an iceberg,
given enough time. The Narwhal
Awareness Fund concluded that
a tusking of narwhals that had
been living in the North Atlantic
at the time of the Titanic’’s cross-
ing became aggravated due to a
higher volume of ship-trafc. In
order to combat the destruction of
their cold, icy habitat, the narwhals
decided to strike back and begin
attacking ships.
Snipes concludes that after the
iceberg was put into place, ““the
narwhals executed a plan to attack
the hull of the ship, using the ice-
berg as a distraction. Why do you
think the men in the crow’’s nest
didn’’t see the ice until it was too
late? Because the narwhals put it
there, that’’s why.””
After the ship struck the berg,
the tusking of narwhals began
ramming into the hull, punctur-
ing it more than 2-dozen times
in critical areas both above and
below the bulkhead limits. This
caused water to rush into the ship
and ultimately end its life.
Since this discovery has nally
been legitimized, oceanographers
have been conducting sweeping
surveys of the narwhal population
in the North Atlantic. Normally
unremarkable or unexplainable
ship damage from ocean liners that
cross the North Atlantic is now
being studied to see if the damage
done could be from narwhals.
““Coming to this conclusion,””
Snipes says, ““was like being in a
really smoky room for a really long
time, and then someone turned a
fan on and the smoke began to
disappear, and waiting on the
other side of the haze was this
theory.”” Skeptics are question-
ing the theory’’s legitimacy but
Snipes only has one thing to say
to them, ““Who are you going to
believe? Those jerks, or me? I’’m
a SCIENTIST. Hello!””
 the misinformer believable for a second April 1, 2010 page 5

Hundreds of Free Tix Available for Gaga Concert

By Erica Clayton
Professional Monster

After canceling two of her

Connecticut Monster Ball perfor-
mances, Lady Gaga has decided to
come back to the area in the spring.
University of Hartford students will
be excited to hear that they will be
able to attend the performance for
free, thanks to the Campus Activi-
ties Team.
In a press release issued earlier
this week by CAT, Headline En-
tertainment, Gaga’’s booking agent,
contacted CAT and offered 300
tickets to distribute to University
students. Tickets were given to
other universities and colleges in
the state, like UConn, Faireld
University and Trinity, too.
The Informer was unable to con-
tact Gaga for a comment, but her
publicist said, ““She is very excited
to be back because she missed her
monsters.”” When asked about the
theme of the show, Gaga’’s publicist
replied, ““Just don’’t expect anything
you’’ve already seen. Each perfor-
mance is a different set entirely.
She’’s crazy!””
This time around, Gaga will be
performing on May 1 in Hartford
at the XL Center, located at 1 Civic
Center Plaza. Directions to the ven-
ue can be found at www.xlcenter.
com. The doors open at 6 p.m. and
the concert begins at 7. Gaga will
perform, after a few opening acts,
for about 2 hours. Her out-of-this- COURTESY OF REMIX.VG
world live performances are world
renowned for their extravagance, Lady Gaga tickets are being given away by the Campus Activities Team on Friday, April 2 at its ofce in Gengras Student Union.
athletics, choreography and songs.
So when will students be able will be distributed first-come- event; tickets will be distributed in herself, Lady Gaga. Gaga tickets, Friday, April 2, at
to pick up their free tickets? CAT rst-serve and cannot be reserved envelopes. To make this event is CAT is expecting the tickets to go 1:30 p.m. outside of the CAT of-
will have tickets available in their ahead of time by any member of even more exciting, two envelopes at an alarming rate and is encourag- ce in GSU. Maybe you will even
ofce, located on the rst oor of the student body. will have all-access passes to the ing students to line up as early as win the backstage passes. Good
the Gengras Student Union begin- Students will only be able to backstage area, green room and 11:30 a.m. for the 1:30 distribution. luck, you will be sure to see this
ning at 1:30 p.m. on April 2. Tickets obtain one ticket each for the after party with the Queen of Pop Remember: That’’s FREE Lady reporter in line.

John Mayer Also Livin’’ La Vida Loca, Comes Out

By Andy Swetz
The Indie Connoisseur
Internationally renowned main-
stream pop artist John Mayer has
ofcially announced that he is a
homosexual during an on air in-
terview at VH1 this past Saturday.
Grammy Award winning artist,
Mayer explained that ever since
he could remember he always felt
like the outcast around his peers
and that he never quite knew the
reason why until now.
Shocking the world with this
huge news it was quite appar-
ent immediately preceding the
interview what way fans would
lean regarding the superstar’’s
announcement. Lighting up the In-
ternet and spreading like a wildre,
#JohnMayerisGay quickly became
the number one Twitter trend.
Fans seemed to be embracing and
celebrating Mayer’’s statement as
if it was expected.
Without a doubt one of the greatest
guitarist of our generation, Mayer
commented saying that his sexual
preference and tendencies had been
the subject of previous songs and
albums.
““I’’ve always been a bit on the
edge when it came to announcing to
the world that I am a gay man. I’’ve
joked about it before but the truth is
that ‘‘Your Body Is a Wonderland’’,
my rst single, was actually written
for a man,”” John Mayer stated in the
VH1 interview.
In Mayer’’s most recent release,
““Battle Studies””, he reveals that the
entire album is dedicated to living
life as an oppressed homosexual.
Although the media latched onto
the idea that the album was Mayer’’s
response to his most recent breakup
with Jennifer Aniston, Mayer him-
self claried the actual purpose of
the album. ““’’Battle Studies’’ is my
way of trying to express the inner
me to my fans.
I want people to know the real
me; the way I act in public and
on TV is a complete front for my
nervousness about my situation. My
coming out is the war of my life,””
Mayer expressed as he fought back
tears. Taking off his tough guy laid
back disguise, John Mayer now
seeks to live a life where he can be
open and free.
Forcing the media and fans alike to
dig back into the archives to search
for evidence of Mayer’’s initial signs
of his inner real self, Mayer’’s entire
career is now under a microscope.
Music analyst and historians are
calling for a total remolding of
Mayer’’s style, career and music.
A man who was once criticized
for being an overly cocky celebrity
is now taking a new shape as he
receives sympathy from even the
most avid bashers of his lifestyle.
““John Mayer has always been a
mystery and I think the media can
now make sense of his unique way
of approaching his audience.””
““A free spirit regardless, Mayer
can now express himself without
being wrongfully accused,”” said COURTESY OF FOTOURMAGAZINE.COM
Jann S. Wenner Editor-in-Chief
of Rolling Stone magazine. John Mayer revealed he is gay this week, surprising many with this unexpected news.
page 6
Game Room Failed To Draw Crowds, Zia Reopens
By Harris Decker
Stupid Club Destroyer
After massive complaints from
students, residents and faculty,
the game room in Gengras Student
Union will be closed for the start
of the Fall semester. Originally
intended to give students some-
thing to do on the academic side
of campus after hours, the game
room quickly became a nuisance
to everyone around it.
Students working in Gengras
became aggravated with the loud
noise produced by the Dance Dance
Revolution machine and other
members of the faculty grew tired
of the lack of order in the area. Zia
Smoothies was closed for the rst
time this fall and Aramark has told
us that it will re-open in the fall.
““The move was a disaster,”” said
an Aramark representative. ““Stu-
dents wanted to be able to enjoy
smoothies and we are in the busi-
ness of making money. Students
feelings had to be ignored in order
to help us turn a larger prot.”” This
General Ed. On The Way Out
By Melissa O’’Brien
General
With registration for fall semes-
ter quickly approaching, there is
some information that is vital for
students to know when constructing
their schedules. The administration
announced this week that general
education classes would no longer
be required to graduate. Normally a
student’’s schedule consists of one-
third major requirements, one-third
general education and the last third
is electives or classes for minors or
second majors.
President Walter Harrison said,
““Due to the current economic
climate, we felt that it was more
important for students to take
more classes within their eld of
study.”” Many students are now
going to graduate school in order
to obtain the degrees they need for
their desired career, by increasing
the workload within the major,
that will no longer be necessary.
Provost Lynn Pasquerella said,
““Upon graduation our students will
have more experience within their
desired eld.”” Along with more
requirements within a student’’s
specied major, every student will
have internship opportunities to
obtain real world experience.
Evan Casey, a senior psychology
major said, ““I wish this was enacted
earlier. It would have been much
more benecial to me to have an
internship or multiple internships
within the eld than taking the gen-
eral education requirements. They
won’’t help me get a job.”” Many
students echoed Casey’’s sentiment.
They felt that some of the general
education classes were a waste of
time, especially with their desired
eld of study.
Included in the general educa-
tion requirements are the dreaded
All-University Curriculum (AUC)
courses. Gina Milano, a junior
communication major said, ““I don’’t
see the point of AUCs! Either they
are way too easy or way too hard;
there is no happy medium. They
can stress you out more than your
core courses. That’’s not right. I am
so happy that I don’’t have to take
the misinformer lies, lies and more lies April 1, 2010
blatant mistake will fall on the
shoulders of Aramark as they pay
to turn the game room back into a
Zia outlet.
The game room itself will not
be relocated. Considered by many
residents to be an extension of
the commuter lounge, the game
room became a dirty, smelly part
of Gengras that was under utilized
for its only year in existence. ““The
commuter lounge is bad enough,
having the game room meant that
students were taking over other
areas of Gengras that could be used
for more important things,”” said
Barry Hansen, a local commuter.
In recent years, many people have
questioned the commuter lounge,
nding that it serves a very small
portion of the community while
taking up more space than any other
single organization in the student
union. For now, their X-Box 360,
at screen televisions and large
under washed couches are safe, but
the administration have promised
a full investigation into the uses
of the area.
another one.””
Tom Marist, a freshman Phys-
ics major, is also happy about this
change. Marist said, ““I put so much
effort and energy into all of my
classes last semester, including the
two AUCs I took. Then I found out
that they don’’t matter for my major
and are just a requirement to gradu-
ate. I got upset because I worked
so hard, too hard for the 100 level
AUCs that I had to take.””
The faculty was divided on this
administrative decision. Dr. Janice
Young, a professor of Italian Renais-
sance said, ““I liked teaching the AUC
course because it gave me the oppor-
tunity to explore different topics and
ideas that are covered in traditional
course work.”” Dr. Bryan Henderson,
With Zia moving back to its origi-
nal location in Gengras, there was
speculation that Taco Bell would
move back from the Village Market.
Aramark failed to comment on the
state of Taco Bell only saying that its
food is ““more unhealthy than ever.””
The games located in the game
room will be used for a number of
projects around campus. The DDR
machine will be installed in The Hartt
School to help teach modern dance to
classes on a broader scale. The ping-
pong table will be relocated to the
Village Lawn, acting as the ofcial
beer pong table during Spring Fling.
The Golden Tea golf video game
will be placed in the Campus Ac-
tivities Team ofces. It was deemed
to be in bad enough condition that
no one else wanted it and it fell to
the most loathed group on campus.
Finally, the couches and video game JEREMY STANLEY
systems will be donated to the local
Hartford community. It was the best Howie’’s Hangout will close permanently after this semester.
thing this educational institute could the loud noise and the unfriendly the closet inside the game room.
give back to the surrounding areas. atmosphere will all be gone. Most Aramark said those students
Students rejoice. The game room excited for the change are the em- will be let go and are now able
will be gone forever. The stench, ployees responsible for guarding to return to their families.
Informer
Printing Press
FOR RENT
$ 300 Per 10-14 Page newspa-
per
The Informer Press is in good
condition.
CREATIVENONFICTION.ORG
Recently repaired and is able
a professor of mathematics was happy to print about 200 pages per
about this change. Henderson said,
““The AUC course was a waste of my minute. This press is reliable
time. The students didn’’t want to be and easy to use.
there and neither did I. They didn’’t
like to be forced to take the class and
I felt that my time would have been For More information please
better spent in a class that students
voluntarily signed up for.”” e-mail
Harrison also mentioned that this
change would save the university
money and that tuition would not Johann Gutenberg at
go up as much the next school year
because of it. Students now have the
jgutenberg@hartford.edu
ability to have more freedom and
choice in their education.
They now have more opportuni-
ties to increase the strength of their
resumes and hopefully have more
job offers in the future.
 the misinformer believable for a second April 1, 2010 page 7

Playboy Founder Died ‘‘Doing What He Loved’’

By Danielle Huppke
Writes About Ancient Porn Moguls

Hollywood is mourning the pass-

ing of the legendary Hugh Hefner,
founder of the Playboy enterprises,
after his untimely death at the mere
age of 83.
Ambulances arrived at Hefner’’s Bev-
erly Hills mansion at around 9:30 p.m.
Tuesday evening. They were greeted
by dozens of hysterical playmates and
one very freaked out Holly Madison,
who was noted to be engaging in sexual
activities with the aging entrepreneur at
the time of his death.
A key component in his demise was
the abundance of Viagra found in his
blood stream. It lead to an erection
that lasted for several hours, Madison
was trying to relieve his discomfort but
instead triggered sudden cardiac arrest.
Hefner met up with Madison at his
birthday party in Las Vegas, and the
former lovers were unable to keep their
hands off of each other. Madison, who is
refusing to make a statement, is currently
staring in Las Vegas’’ hottest new show
““Peepshow.””
His long time friend and former
lover, Kendra Wilkinson spoke of
his passing on Entertainment Tonight
several hours after hearing the devas-
tating news, ““That man changed my
life, he was an inspiration for all of
the bunnies and he just loved life. It’’s
a shame he’’s gone, but at least he left
SALTWATERHIGH.FILES.WORDPRESS.COM
the world doing what he does best.””
Hundreds of mourners have gath- The funeral is scheduled for late ‘‘angle and devil’’ themed party so no skill in business but according As the candles lining Hef’’s star
ered outside of the Playboy mansion next week; in the meantime, his that people can come mourn but to Hefner ““looks great in the bunny on Hollywood Boulevard indicate,
leaving owers, cigars and their fa- staff is preparing the many wishes also get crunk at the same time.”” costume.”” All kidding aside, she’’s he was loved by many and this
vorite issues of the magazine. Several he left in his will. Hef’’s personal Hef’’s famed Playboy enter- planning great things for the corpo- tragic loss will linger in the air of
mourners paid homage to Hef by assistant explained ““Hugh wanted prises will be taken over by the ration and we will indeed be seeing Hollywood for a long time to come.
wearing smoking jackets and their to go out in style, and keeping with very capable Bridget Marquardt, the legend of the bunny continue Hugh Hefner was one of a kind and
favorite gaudy bunny apparel. that wish, we’’re throwing him an Hef’’s former girlfriend, who has for many years to come. will be dearly missed by millions.

Dave Matthews Band Splits After 20 Years

By Sarah Wilson
Apropos
Fans may have to risk beating fel-
low concert-goers to the ground if
they want tickets to a show in this
year’’s Dave Matthews Band tour. The
critically acclaimed band announced
Tuesday that headlining the annual
Bonaroo music festival will be their
last performance before going their
separate ways after an extensive and
triumphant 20 years.
The band did not cite the reasons for
their split rather than expressing they
have hit a bump in the road. ““The past
couple years have been really tough
on all of us……some hurdles are just too
high to jump, and in this case, 2 years
of digression in our ability to work as
a team means it’’s time we start think-
ing about our careers as individuals,””
Matthews said.
However, according to TMZ.com,
Matthews’’ under-wraps love affair
with drummer Carter Beauford’’s wife
during the recording of ““Big Whisky
and the GrooGrux King”” led to the
ultimate demise of the band’’s rela-
tionship. It’’s even rumored that ““Big
Whisky”” is a not-so-subtle reference to
the night the affair started, ““GrooGrux
King”” being a term of endearment to
Matthews due to his performance in
the bedroom. That being said, when
the personal life leaves the bedroom
and enters business, it’’s hard to deny
that there would not be any conict.
As a result of this breakup, ticket
prices have skyrocketed, but the hun-
dreds of thousands of party hungry
teens and adults alike looking to have
one last ““good, good time”” aren’’t de-
ferred by the high price tag.
As the shows are rapidly becom-
ing sold out, fans are willing to dish
out more than just their hard earned
cash for a glimpse of what will be
the grandest of all nales. Melissa
Visini, sophomore at the University
of Hartford, confessed that she
sacriced next semester’’s tuition in
order to pay for the already sold out
show in New York this coming July.
““You have to give a little to get
a little, and in this case a little was
24,000 dollars, but Dave’’s not going
wait around for me to get a bach-
elor’’s degree now is he,”” Visini said.
But a couple grand for the nose-
bleeds is nothing compared to
the extremes others are going to.
Searching the three simple letters
““DMB”” on Craig’’s List will yield a
plethora of apparently devout fans
that will do anything to get their
hands on a ticket more valuable than
that of Willey Wonka’’s.
One frenzied female from Utah
who evidently couldn’’t come up
with the cash used the website to of-
fer her body in exchange for a ticket
to the performance nearest her.
Several offers have been made, but
according to the Salt Lake Tribune
authorities are currently looking into
the situation and pursuing an arrest
for prostitution.
There hasn’’t been any word as
to whether Matthews or any of his
band mates plan on pursuing solo
projects, but in the mean time, ticket
holders watch your backs because
people will kill, and quite possibly
literally, to experience the last
sweet, sweet sounds of the DMB
OUTSIDETHELOOPRADIO.COM
phenomenon.
 The MisInformer

Volume 33, Issue 20

Sports www.hartfordinformer.com/sports April 1, 2010

The Great One To Return To The Hockey Rink

By Andy Swetz
The Great Indie One

The most decorated athlete in all

of hockey who remains only one of
two players with a retired number in a
whole league of professional American
sports, the Great One, Wayne Gretzky,
is breaking his ten-year retirement to
return to the National Hockey League.
With the rumor conrmed by the NHL
and rippling through the media, current
players, as well as fans, are thrilled
and excited for the return of one of the
greatest men to step on the ice.
Since leaving the league in 1999
and skating his nal game at Madison
Square Garden as a New York Ranger,
Gretzky has decided to come out of
retirement to redene his legacy.
When asked why the sudden
decision Gretzky reected, ““Since
being red as head coach of the
Phoenix Coyotes last year and cur-
rently out of a job, I thought why
not reenter the post lockout league
and shine again. Playing this game
is the greatest calling in the world
and I’’d love for another chance to
heed the call.””
Currently 49 years old, it wouldn’’t
be too much of a stretch for Gretzky
to be considered young enough to be
an impact player. Next to 48-year-
old Chris Chelios of the Atlanta
Thrashers, Gretzky would be the
oldest active player in the league.
The NHL announced on Monday COURTESY OF WIKIPEDIA.ORG
that they would lift the ban on the league
wide retired number 99. Anxious to hit face the challenge of joining the project viewing numbers and ticket than any other sport. with the anticipation of his return, ““I
the ice again, it is still unclear which worst team in the league. sales to skyrocket with the Great One’’s In preparation for Gretzky’’s return, feel honored to be given the chance
team will acquire the Great One once With the talk of Gretzky’’s return, second wind. regardless of where he will be playing to play again. When I play, I soak in
his reentry becomes ofcial. Many the NHL is making its way back The estimated amounts of people his rst game back for the upcoming the environment and my surround-
sources say that he will likely return to into the headlines and gaining more who tune into the Stanley cup nal 2010-2011 season, Canadian Prime ings. I play for the fans, the thrill,
the team he made a name for himself and more popularity. Although the surpass the amount of people who Minister Stephen Harper has declared my family, my friends and the spirit
with and lifted to four Stanley cups as league currently has eye catching will tune into the Super Bowl an- a national holiday for the big game, of the greatest game ever played. I
a member of, the Edmonton Oilers. If standout players with Alex Ovech- nually. Thanks to Wayne Gretzky, encouraging Canadians to tune in. will try my best to shine and shed
acquired by Edmonton, Gretzky will kin and Sidney Crosby, analysts hockey in America will grow faster Gretzky recently addressed ESPN light on an amazing game, hockey.””

Salary Cap Among Changes to MLB Rulebook

By Harris Decker
Paid in Fantasy Money
Amidst rising contracts, out of con-
trol salaries and a larger divide between
small market and large market teams,
Bud Selig announced today that a
salary cap would be in place for the
2011 season. Starting in April of 2011,
teams will be required to have a payroll
that does not exceed $160 million. In
2012, that number will drop to $140
million before coming to a rest in 2013
at $120 million.
That $120 million salary cap will be
the target and will continue past the
2013 season.
Some teams such as the Minnesota
Twins and Tampa Bay Rays currently
have a payroll half that of the salary cap
while the New York Yankees, Boston
Red Sox and Philadelphia Phillies have
close to double that amount in payroll.
In a statement to The Informer, Selig
said, ““Over the next few seasons, we
will begin lowering the amount so that
teams such as the Yankees and Red
Sox can begin a plan to reduce their
current contracts.”” With this plan now
in place, the players union will have
to decide weather a strike is in order.
““Players want to make money but
there has to be some exibility. Fami-
lies in large markets simply can’’t afford
to come to the ballpark anymore”” said
Selig in regards to the players union.
This plan, introduced by Selig,
comes with some major support from
Alex Rodriguez will certainly be effected by the institution of the salary cap in the MLB.
retired and veteran baseball players.
New York Yankees shortstop Derek
Jeter thinks that the salary cap will
make the leagues more competi-
tive. One of the largest players in
this debate was former Baltimore
Orioles shortstop Cal Ripken Jr.
The widely respected Ripken part-
nered with Selig in the interest of
convincing players that this move is
the right one for the game of baseball.
Other endorsers of the salary cap are
COURTESY OF WIKIPEDIA.ORG
Texas Rangers owner Nolan Ryan
and long time veterans Ken Griffey
Jr. and Tom Glavine.
The main opponent in the debate
is New York Yankees owner George
Steinbrenner and his general man-
ager Brian Cashman. The richest
franchise in sports history has been
known to purchase the players they
need to win from free agency and
won the 2009 World Series with the
highest payroll ever on record for a
baseball team.
Steinbrenner said, ““Just because
we have money we are being pun-
ished. We’’ve paid a luxury tax to the
poor teams over the past few seasons
and this move is just another in the
viscous cycle against the rich.
““If I want to buy a player we
need, I have that right.”” When asked
about his own player’’s comments
in support of the salary cap he said,
““They think baseball will be more
competitive, more fun with a cap.
I’’ll tell you what, winning is what
makes it fun and with money you
can win. Without it you can’’t.””
With or without Steinbrenner
and the Yankees’’ support, other
general managers in large market
teams have embraced the idea
such as Theo Epstein of the Bos-
ton Red Sox and Omar Minaya
of the New York Mets.
The deal will move forward with
huge support from these huge play-
ers in Major League Baseball. We
reached out to the players union but
they did not return our phone calls.
It is obvious that they are not
happy with Selig’’s decision. One
thing is for sure; baseball will
never be the same.