Victim Impact Statement Julie Cowell

My name is Julie Cowell, and the victim Tania Cowell was my sister in law. Today, I share this
victim impact statement with a heavy heart. Since the events of March 10th 2013, the day Tania
was killed, my heart has been nothing but heavy. I have always thought of myself as someone
who had a spark for life. The events of March 10th 2013 stole that spark and instead brought
with it, anxiety, depression, worry and a burdened heart. It was on this day that life changed and
had a rippling effect on all of my family, but most of all to a sweet innocent 5 month old baby
boy- Bailun Cowell. Today, I am his voice and I will speak not only for myself and my other
children, but for him, the only witness to a horrific crime.
The anguish and unbearable pain that the events of March 10th 2013 brought to my family are far
beyond anything that words can portray. That day, an innocent baby had his mother ripped away
from him by his father; how does one even begin to deal with the emotions that this brings? A
baby who found security and warmth in the arms of his mother one day, the next to be in the
hands of strangers, police, and foster care before he made his way back to us, his biological
family. I remember the day we got Bailun, he was looking around to find his mother, searching
the room to see if she was there, listening to hear her voice. It was heartbreaking. The first few
weeks for Bailun were spent with many tears and sleepless nights for both him and myself.
Bailun, trying to adjust to not having his mothers voice and scent to comfort him and me
wondering how we would ever get through the pain we all felt. For my other 2 children, having
to deal with the fact that their once baby cousin would now be their baby brother and that their
Aunt had been murdered. How does one explain this to a 10 year old and a 7 year old? The
attention they once got from their mother, was now completely on this traumatized baby boy. A
baby boy who still does not realize the capacity of the pain he will have to endure one day when
he learns the true facts about what happened to his mother. One day he will learn about the
tragedy of March 10th 2013, the day his father killed his mother. How will this impact him?
What will he go through? All these questions remain unanswered. It is now a daily worry in my
mind. We as adults cannot fathom this event, how can a child? I want to shield Bailun from the
pain of all this, but I know that one day he will need to know the truth. I am haunted by this
every minute of every day. I struggle with the ongoing fears that I have for Bailun.
Along with my fears of how this will impact Bailun and my other 2 children, I have had to deal
with my own sense of loss over the only sister I had. Tania was part of my family for 20 years. I
struggle with stepping in her shoes as Bailuns mother, as I know this was the most precious role
to her and she would never want to give that role up. Bailun will always know how much he was
loved by Tania and how he was her whole life and existence even for that short amount of time.
My life is now a continuous state of worry and anxiety as I think about the future emotional
repercussions all of this will have not only on Bailun, but on Alyssa and Austin, my other 2
children. They will never be the same. Nor will I. Nor will anyone in the family. We are forever
changed by this life altering event. A life that used to be so simple has now become complicated
and riddled with the events of March 10 2013. Emotionally, Im not sure how one ever heals
from something as tragic as this.
I have had to learn to live a day at a time because anything beyond that is too overwhelming to
think about. I hurt beyond words because I hurt for Bailun, Alyssa, Austin, Ivon and the rest of
the family who are suffering. I hurt for Tania because she loved being a mother and never got to

fulfill this dream. Everyone I hold dear to my heart is scarred by the murder of Tania. It was
unfair, unjust and preventable. Each day I look into the big brown eyes of Bailun, I am reminded
of the tragedy that occurred on March 10th 2013 and I live it all over again. I will live this
tragedy forever because Bailun will. When he hurts, I hurt just like I do for all my children. This
will be a lifetime pain for Bailun and our entire family. This scarring tragedy has left me with a
feeling of lost hope in humanity. I will now share a poem describing my heavy heart since
March 10 2013;
The shock waves of this event resonate within my soul How can I escape?
What once was is no longer;
the pain flowing in and out with each breath I take; a childs eyes so innocent and pure;
unknowing of the terror ; unknowing of the pain; his mothers eyes never to be seen again; his
now angel watching over him; I cry for his pain; I cry for her pain; motherhood thrust away from
her; her greatest happiness stolen; why ?
I cannot fathom;
life becomes a blur;
trying to function yet never truly being present; wondering how our family will heal?
My children, watching my saddness;
wondering what is wrong with mom;
nightmares come and go;
the terror she felt whistles through me; I wake up in a sweat; her soul is not at rest;
how could it be ?
Her dreams and aspirations ripped away; She is with me She is with her son Yet justice will
never be felt; she cant come back I want to change and undo what has happened I cant I struggle
each day with running thoughts Images, overwhelming me A childs eyes looking up at me
wheres my mommy?
Where am I?
My heart rips in two watching this;
loving this child and making him feel secure ; pushes my pain aside a pain never dealt with
becomes a lingering cloud a never ending nightmare; whenwill I wake up?
The terrorizing realization that this horrific event is our reality; my reality;
Forever scarred;
I can only hope that in time, we are able to heal from the pain and devastation we have
experienced in the last 3 years.
Thank-you for listening