LettertoMyFather

ByFranzKafka
DearestFather,

YouaskedmerecentlywhyImaintainthatIamafraidofyou.Asusual,Iwasunabletothinkof
anyanswertoyourquestion,partlyfortheveryreasonthatIamafraidofyou,andpartly
becauseanexplanationofthegroundsforthisfearwouldmeangoingintofarmoredetailsthanI
couldevenapproximatelykeepinmindwhiletalking.AndifInowtrytogiveyouananswerin
writing,itwillstillbeveryincomplete,because,eveninwriting,thisfearanditsconsequences
hampermeinrelationtoyouandbecausethemagnitudeofthesubjectgoesfarbeyondthescope
ofmymemoryandpowerofreasoning,toyouthematteralwaysseemedverysimple,atleastin
sofarasyoutalkedaboutitinfrontofme,andindiscriminatelyinfrontofmanyotherpeople.It
lookedtoyoumoreorlessasfollows:youhaveworkedhardallyourlife,havesacrificed
everythingforyourchildren,aboveallforme,consequentlyIhavelivedhighandhandsome,
havebeencompletelyatlibertytolearnwhateverIwanted,andhavehadnocauseformaterial
worries,whichmeansworriesofanykindatall.Youhavenotexpectedanygratitudeforthis,
knowingwhat"children'sgratitude"islike,buthaveexpectedatleastsomesortofobligingness,
somesignofsympathy.InsteadIhavealwayshiddenfromyou,inmyroom,amongmybooks,
withcrazyfriends,orwithcrackpotideas.IhavenevertalkedtoyoufranklyIhavenevercome
toyouwhenyouwereinthesynagogue,nevervisitedyouatFranzensbad,norindeedever
shownanyfamilyfeelingIhavenevertakenanyinterestinthebusinessoryourotherconcerns
IsaddledyouwiththefactoryandwalkedoffIencouragedOttlainherobstinacy,andnever
liftedafingerforyou(neverevengotyouatheaterticket),whileIdoeverythingformyfriends.
Ifyousumupyourjudgmentofme,theresultyougetisthat,althoughyoudon'tchargemewith
anythingdownrightimproperorwicked(withtheexceptionperhapsofmylatestmarriageplan),
youdochargemewithcoldness,estrangementsandingratitude.And,whatismore,youcharge
mewithitinsuchawayastomakeitseemmyfault,asthoughImighthavebeenable,with
somethinglikeatouchonthesteeringwheel,tomakeeverythingquitedifferent,whileyouaren't
intheslightesttoblame,unlessitbeforhavingbeentoogoodtome.
This,yourusualwayofrepresentingit,IregardasaccurateonlyinsofarasItoobelieveyouare
entirelyblamelessinthematterofourestrangement.ButIamequallyentirelyblameless.IfI
couldgetyoutoacknowledgethis,thenwhatwouldbepossibleisnot,Ithink,anewlife,we
arebothmuchtoooldforthatbutstill,akindofpeacenocessation,butstill,adiminutionof
yourunceasingreproaches.
OddlyenoughyouhavesomesortofnotionofwhatImean.Forinstance,ashorttimeagoyou
saidtome:"Ihavealwaysbeenfondofyou,eventhoughoutwardlyIdidn'tacttowardyouas
otherfathersgenerallydo,andthispreciselybecauseIcan'tpretendasotherpeoplecan."Now,
Father,onthewholeIhaveneverdoubtedyourgoodnesstowardme,butthisremarkIconsider
wrong.Youcan'tpretend,thatistrue,butmerelyforthatreasontomaintainthatotherfathers

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pretendiseithermereopinionatednests,andassuchbeyonddiscussion,orontheother
handandthisinmyviewiswhatitreallyisaveiledexpressionofthefactthatsomethingis
wronginourrelationshipandthatyouhaveplayedyourpartincausingittobeso,butwithout
itsbeingyourfault.Ifyoureallymeanthat,thenweareinagreement.

I'mnotgoingtosay,ofcourse,thatIhavebecomewhatIamonlyasaresultofyourinfluence.
Thatwouldbeverymuchexaggerated(andIamindeedinclinedtothisexaggeration).Itis
indeedquitepossiblethatevenifIhadgrownupentirelyfreefromyourinfluenceIstillcould
nothavebecomeapersonafteryourownheart.Ishouldprobablyhavestillbecomeaweakly,
timid,hesitant,restlessperson,neitherRobertKafkanorKarlHermann,butyetquitedifferent
fromwhatIreallyam,andwemighthavegotonwitheachotherexcellently.Ishouldhavebeen
happytohaveyouasafriend,asaboss,anuncle,agrandfather,even(thoughrathermore
hesitantly)asafatherinlaw.Onlyasafatheryouhavebeentoostrongforme,particularlysince
mybrothersdiedwhentheyweresmallandmysisterscamealongonlymuchlater,sothatI
alonehadtobearthebruntofitandforthatIwasmuchtooweak.
ComparetheTwoofus:I,toputitinaverymuchabbreviatedform,aLwywithacertainKafka
component,which,however,isnotsetinmotionbytheKafkawilltolife,business,and
conquest,butbyaLwyishspurthatimpelsmoresecretly,morediffidently,andinanother
direction,andwhichoftenfailstoworkentirely.You,ontheotherhand,atrueKafkainstrength,
health,appetite,loudnessofvoice,eloquence,selfsatisfaction,worldlydominance,endurance,
presenceofmind,knowledgeofhumannature,acertainwayofdoingthingsonagrandscale,of
coursealsowithallthedefectsandweaknessesthatgowiththeseadvantagesandintowhich
yourtemperamentandsometimesyourhottemperdriveyou.Youareperhapsnotwhollya
Kafkainyourgeneraloutlook,insofarasIcancompareyouwithUnclePhilipp,Ludwig,and
Heinrich.Thatisodd,andhereIdon'tseequitecleareither.Afterall,theywereallmore
cheerful,fresher,moreinformal,moreeasygoing,lessseverethanyou.(Inthis,bytheway,I
haveinheritedagreatdealfromyouandtakenmuchtoogoodcareofmyinheritance,without,
admittedly,havingthenecessarycounterweightsinmyownnature,asyouhave.)Yetyoutoo,
ontheotherhand,haveinthisrespectgonethroughvariousphases.Youwereperhapsmore
cheerfulbeforeyouweredisappointedbyyourchildren,especiallybyme,andweredepressedat
home(whenotherpeoplecamein,youwerequitedifferent)perhapsyouhavebecomemore
cheerfulagainsincethen,nowthatyourgrandchildrenandyoursoninlawagaingiveyou
somethingofthatwarmthwhichyourchildren,exceptperhapsValli,couldnotgiveyou.Inany
case,weweresodifferentandinourdifferencesodangeroustoeachotherthatifanyonehad
triedtocalculateinadvancehowI,theslowlydevelopingchild,andyou,thefullgrownman,
wouldbehavetowardoneanother,hecouldhaveassumedthatyouwouldsimplytrampleme
underfootsothatnothingwasleftofme.Well,thatdidnothappen.Nothingalivecanbe
calculated.Butperhapssomethingworsehappened.AndinsayingthisIwouldallthetimebeg
ofyounottoforgetthatInever,andnotevenforasinglemomentbelieveanyguilttobeonyour
side.Theeffectyouhadonmewastheeffectyoucouldnothelphaving.Butyoushouldstop
consideringitsomeparticularmaliceonmypartthatIsuccumbedtothateffect.

Iwasatimidchild.Forallthat,IamsureIwasalsoobstinate,aschildrenare.Iamsurethat

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Motherspoiledmetoo,butIcannotbelieveIwasparticularlydifficulttomanageIcannot
believethatakindlyword,aquiettakingbythehand,afriendlylook,couldnothavegotmeto
doanythingthatwaswantedofme.Nowyouare,afterall,basicallyacharitableandkindhearted
person(whatfollowswillnotbeincontradictiontothis,Iamspeakingonlyoftheimpression
youmadeonthechild),butnoteverychildhastheenduranceandfearlessnesstogoonsearching
untilitcomestothekindlinessthatliesbeneaththesurface.Youcantreatachildonlyintheway
youyourselfareconstituted,withvigor,noise,andhottemper,andinthiscasesuchbehavior
seemedtoyoutobealsomostappropriatebecauseyouwantedtobringmeuptobeastrong,
braveboy.
YoureducationalmethodsintheveryearlyyearsIcan't,ofcourse,directlydescribetoday,butI
canmoreorlessimaginethembydrawingconclusionsfromthelateryearsandfromyour
treatmentofFelix.Whatmustbeconsideredasheighteningtheeffectisthatyouwerethen
youngerandhencemoreenergetic,wilder,moreprimitive,andstillmorerecklessthanyouare
todayandthatyouwere,besides,completelytiedtothebusiness,scarcelyabletobewithme
evenonceaday,andthereforemadeallthemoreprofoundimpressiononme,onethatnever
reallyleveledouttotheflatnessofhabit.
ThereisonlyoneepisodeintheearlyyearsofwhichIhaveadirectmemory.Youmay
rememberit,too.OnenightIkeptonwhimperingforwater,not,Iamcertain,becauseIwas
thirsty,butprobablypartlytobeannoying,partlytoamusemyself.Afterseveralvigorousthreats
hadfailedtohaveanyeffect,youtookmeoutofbed,carriedmeoutontothepavlatche,*and
leftmetherealoneforawhileinmynightshirt,outsidetheshutdoor.Iamnotgoingtosaythat
thiswaswrongperhapstherewasreallynootherwayofgettingpeaceandquietthat
nightbutImentionitastypicalofyourmethodsofbringingupachildandtheireffectonme.I
daresayIwasquiteobedientafterwardatthatperiod,butitdidmeinnerharm.Whatwasforme
amatterofcourse,thatsenselessaskingforwater,andthentheextraordinaryterrorofbeing
carriedoutsidewereTwothingsthatI,mynaturebeingwhatitwas,couldneverproperlyconnect
witheachother.EvenyearsafterwardIsufferedfromthetormentingfancythatthehugeman,
myfather,theultimateauthority,wouldcomealmostfornoreasonatallandtakemeoutofbed
inthenightandcarrymeoutontothepavlatche,andthatconsequentlyImeantabsolutely
nothingasfarashewasconcerned.
*PavlatcheistheCzechwordforthelongbalconyintheinnercourtyardofoldhousesinPrague.
(Ed.)
Thatwasonlyasmallbeginning,butthisfeelingofbeingnothingthatoftendominatesme(a
feelingthatisinanotherrespect,admittedly,alsoanobleandfruitfulone)comeslargelyfrom
yourinfluence.WhatIwouldhaveneededwasalittleencouragement,alittlefriendliness,alittle
keepingopenofmyroad,insteadofwhichyoublockeditforme,thoughofcoursewiththegood
intentionofmakingmetakeanotherroad.ButIwasnotfitforthat.Youencouragedme,for
instance,whenIsalutedandmarchedsmartly,butIwasnofuturesoldier,oryouencouragedme
whenIwasabletoeatheartilyorevendrinkbeerwithmymeals,orwhenIwasabletorepeat
songs,singingwhatIhadnotunderstood,orprattletoyouusingyourownfavoriteexpressions,
imitatingyou,butnothingofthishadanythingtodowithmyfuture.Anditischaracteristicthat
eventodayyoureallyonlyencouragemeinanythingwhenyouyourselfareinvolvedinit,when

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whatisatstakeisyourownsenseofselfimportance,whichIdamage(forinstancebymy
intendedmarriage)orwhichisdamagedinme(forinstancewhenPepaisabusivetome).ThenI
receiveencouragement,Iamremindedofmyworth,thematchesIwouldbeentitledtomakeare
pointedouttome,andPepaiscondemnedutterly.ButapartfromthefactthatatmyageIam
alreadynearlyunsusceptibletoencouragement,whathelpcoulditbetomeanyway,ifitonly
comeswhenitisn'tprimarilyamatterofmyselfatall?
Atthattime,andatthattimeineveryway,Iwouldhaveneededencouragement.Iwas,afterall,
weigheddownbyyourmerephysicalpresence.Iremember,forinstance,howweoften
undressedinthesamebathinghut.TherewasI,skinny,weakly,slightyoustrong,tall,broad.
EveninsidethehutIfeltamiserablespecimen,andwhat'smore,notonlyinyoureyesbutinthe
eyesofthewholeworld,foryouwereformethemeasureofallthings.Butthenwhenwe
steppedoutofthebathinghutbeforethepeople,youholdingmebymyhand,alittleskeleton,
unsteady,barefootontheboards,frightenedofthewater,incapableofcopyingyourswimming
strokes,whichyou,withthebestofintentions,butactuallytomyprofoundhumiliation,kepton
demonstrating,thenIwasfranticwithdesperationandatsuchmomentsallmybadexperiences
inallareas,fittedmagnificentlytogether.IfeltbestwhenyousometimesundressedfirstandI
wasabletostaybehindinthehutaloneandputoffthedisgraceofshowingmyselfinpublic
untilatlastyoucametoseewhatIwasdoinganddrovemeoutofthehut.Iwasgratefultoyou
fornotseemingtonoticemyanguish,andbesides,Iwasproudofmyfather'sbody.Bytheway,
thisdifferencebetweenusremainsmuchthesametothisveryday.
Inkeeping,furthermore,wasyourintellectualdomination.Youhadworkedyourwaysofarup
byyourownenergiesalone,andasaresultyouhadunboundedconfidenceinyouropinion.That
wasnotyetsodazzlingforme,achildaslaterfortheboygrowingup.Fromyourarmchairyou
ruledtheworld.Youropinionwascorrect,everyotherwasmad,wild,meshugge,notnormal.
Yourselfconfidenceindeedwassogreatthatyouhadnoneedtobeconsistentatallandyet
neverceasedtobeintheright.Itdidsometimeshappenthatyouhadnoopinionswhatsoever
aboutamatterandasaresulteveryconceivableopinionwithrespecttothematterwas
necessarilywrong,withoutexception.Youwerecapable,forinstance,ofrunningdownthe
Czechs,andthentheGermans,andthentheJews,andwhatismore,notonlyselectivelybutin
everyrespect,andfinallynobodywasleftexceptyourself.Formeyoutookontheenigmatic
qualitythatalltyrantshavewhoserightsarebasedontheirpersonandnotonreason.Atleastso
itseemedtome.

Now,whenIwasthesubjectyouwereactuallyastonishinglyoftenrightwhichinconversation
wasnotsurprising,fortherewashardlyeveranyconversationbetweenus,butalsoinreality.
Yetthiswasnothingparticularlyincomprehensible,eitherinallmythinkingIwas,afterall,
undertheheavypressureofyourpersonality,eveninthatpartofitandparticularlyin
thatwhichwasnotinaccordwithyours.Allthesethoughts,seeminglyindependentofyou,
werefromthebeginningburdenedwithyourbelittlingjudgmentsitwasalmostimpossibleto
endurethisandstillworkoutathoughtwithanymeasureofcompletenessandpermanence.Iam
notherespeakingofanysublimethoughts,butofeverylittlechildhoodenterprise.Itwasonly
necessarytobehappyaboutsomethingorother,tobefilledwiththethoughtofit,tocomehome
andspeakofit,andtheanswerwasanironicsigh,ashakingofthehead,atappingonthetable

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withafinger:"Isthatallyou'resoworkedupabout?"or"SuchworriesI'dliketohave!"or"The
thingssomepeoplehavetimetothinkabout!"or"Whereisthatgoingtogetyou?"or"Whata
songanddanceaboutnothing!"Ofcourse,youcouldn'tbeexpectedtobeenthusiasticabout
everychildishtrivialitywhenyouwereinastateofvexationandworry.Butthatwasnotthe
point.Rather,byvirtueofyourantagonisticnature,youcouldnothelpbutalwaysandinevitably
causethechildsuchdisappointmentsandfurther,thisantagonism,accumulatingmaterial,was
constantlyintensifiedeventuallythepatternexpresseditselfevenif,foronce,youwereofthe
sameopinionasIfinally,thesedisappointmentsofthechildwerenottheordinary
disappointmentsoflifebut,sincetheyinvolvedyou,theallimportantpersonage,theystruckto
theverycore.Courage,resolution,confidence,delightinthisandthat,couldnotlastwhenyou
wereagainstitorevenifyouroppositionwasmerelytobeassumedanditwastobeassumedin
almosteverythingIdid.
Thisappliedtopeopleaswellastothoughts.ItwasenoughthatIshouldtakealittleinterestina
personwhichinanycasedidnothappenoften,asaresultofmynatureforyou,withoutany
considerationformyfeelingsorrespectformyjudgment,tomoveinwithabuse,defamation,
anddenigration.Innocent,childlikepeople,suchas,forinstance,theYiddishactorLwy,hadto
payforthat.Withoutknowinghimyoucomparedhim,insomedreadfulwaythatIhavenow
forgotten,toverminand,aswassooftenthecasewithpeopleIwasfondof,youwere
automaticallyreadywiththeproverbofthedoganditsfleas.HereIparticularlyrecalltheactor
becauseatthattimeImadeanoteofyourpronouncementsabouthim,withthecomment:"This
ishowmyfatherspeaksofmyfriend(whomhedoesnotevenknow),simplybecauseheismy
friend.Ishallalwaysbeabletobringthisupagainsthimwheneverhereproachesmewiththe
lackofachild'saffectionandgratitude."Whatwasalwaysincomprehensibletomewasyour
totallackoffeelingforthesufferingandshameyoucouldinflictonmewithyourwordsand
judgments.Itwasasthoughyouhadnonotionofyourpower.Itoo,Iamsure,oftenhurtyou
withwhatIsaid,butthenIalwaysknew,anditpainedme,butIcouldnotcontrolmyself,could
notkeepthewordsback,IwassorryevenwhileIwassayingthem.Butyoustruckoutwithyour
wordswithoutmuchado,youweren'tsorryforanyone,eitherduringorafterward,onewas
utterlydefenselessagainstyou.
Butyourwholemethodofupbringingwaslikethat.Youhave,Ithink,agiftforbringingup
childrenyoucould,Iamsure,havebeenofhelptoahumanbeingofyourownkindwithyour
methodssuchapersonwouldhaveseenthereasonablenessofwhatyoutoldhim,wouldnot
havetroubledaboutanythingelse,andwouldquietlyhavedonethingsthewayhewastold.But
formeasachildeverythingyoucalledouttomewaspositivelyaheavenlycommandment,I
neverforgotit,itremainedformethemostimportantmeansofformingajudgmentoftheworld,
aboveallofformingajudgmentofyouyourself,andthereyoufailedentirely.SinceasachildI
waswithyouchieflyduringmeals,yourteachingwastoalargeextenttheteachingofproper
behaviorattable.Whatwasbroughttothetablehadtobeeaten,thequalityofthefoodwasnot
tobediscussedbutyouyourselfoftenfoundthefoodinedible,calledit"thisswill,"said"that
cow"(thecook)hadruinedit.Becauseinaccordancewithyourstrongappetiteandyour
particularpredilectionyouateeverythingfast,hot,andinbigmouthfuls,thechildhadtohurry
therewasasombersilenceattable,interruptedbyadmonitions:"Eatfirst,talkafterward,"or
"faster,faster,faster,"or"Thereyouare,yousee,Ifinishedagesago."Bonesmustn'tbecracked

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withtheteeth,butyoucould.Vinegarmustnotbesippednoisily,butyoucould.Themainthing
wasthatthebreadshouldbecutstraight.Butitdidn'tmatterthatyoudiditwithaknifedripping
withgravy.Carehadtobetakenthatnoscrapsfellonthefloor.Intheenditwasunderyour
chairthattherewerethemostscraps.Attableonewasn'tallowedtodoanythingbuteat,butyou
cleanedandcutyourfingernails,sharpenedpencils,cleanedyourearswithatoothpick.Please,
Father,understandmecorrectly:inthemselvesthesewouldhavebeenutterlyinsignificant
details,theyonlybecamedepressingformebecauseyou,sotremendouslytheauthoritativeman,
didnotkeepthecommandmentsyouimposedonme.Hencetheworldwasformedividedinto
threeparts:oneinwhichI,theslave,livedunderlawsthathadbeeninventedonlyformeand
whichIcould,Ididnotknowwhy,nevercompletelycomplywiththenasecondworld,which
wasinfinitelyremotefrommine,inwhichyoulived,concernedwithgovernment,withthe
issuingofordersandwiththeannoyanceabouttheirnotbeingobeyedandfinallyathirdworld
whereeverybodyelselivedhappilyandfreefromordersandfromhavingtoobey.Iwas
continuallyindisgraceeitherIobeyedyourorders,andthatwasadisgrace,fortheyapplied,
afterall,onlytomeorIwasdefiant,andthatwasadisgracetoo,forhowcouldIpresumeto
defyyouorIcouldnotobeybecauseIdidnot,forinstance,haveyourstrength,yourappetite,
yourskill,althoughyouexpecteditofmeasamatterofcoursethiswasthegreatestdisgraceof
all.Thiswasnotthecourseofthechild'sreflections,butofhisfeelings.
Mysituationatthattimebecomesclearer,perhaps,ifIcompareitwiththatofFelix.Youdo,of
course,treathiminasimilarway,evenindeedemployingaparticularlyterriblemethodagainst
himinhisupbringing:wheneveratmealshedoesanythingthatisinyouropinionunclean,you
arenotcontenttosaytohim,asyouusedtosaytome:"Youareapig,"butadd:"areal
Hermann"or"justlikeyourfather."Nowthismayperhapsonecan'tsaymorethan
"perhaps"notreallyharmFelixinanyessentialway,becauseyouareonlyagrandfatherto
him,anespeciallyimportantone,ofcourse,butstillnoteverythingasyouwereformeand
besides,Felixisofaquiet,evenatthisstagetoacertainextentmanlycharacter,onewhomay
perhapsbedisconcertedbyagreatvoicethunderingathim,butnotpermanentlyconditionedby
it.Butaboveallheis,ofcourse,onlycomparativelyseldomwithyou,andbesides,heisalso
underotherinfluencesyouareforhimaratherendearingcuriosityfromwhichhecanpickand
choosewhateverhelikes.Formeyouwerenothingintheleastlikeacuriosity,Icouldn'tpick
andchoose,Ihadtotakeeverything.
Andthiswithoutbeingabletoproduceanyargumentsagainstanyofit,foritisfundamentally
impossibleforyoutotalkcalmlyaboutasubjectyoudon'tapproveoforevenonethatwasnot
suggestedbyyouyourimperioustemperamentdoesnotpermitit.Inrecentyearsyouhavebeen
explainingthisasduetoyournervousheartcondition.Idon'tknowthatyouwereever
essentiallydifferent.Rather,thenervousheartconditionisameansbywhichyouexertyour
dominationmorestrongly,sincethethoughtofitnecessarilychokesofftheleastoppositionfrom
others.Thisis,ofcourse,notareproach,onlyastatementoffact.AsinOttla'scase,whenyou
say:"Yousimplycan'ttalktoheratall,shefliesstraightinyourface,"butinrealityshedoesnot
beginbyflyingoutatall.Youmistakethepersonforthething.Thethingunderdiscussionis
whatfliesinyourfaceandyouimmediatelymadeupyourmindaboutitwithoutlisteningtothe
personwhateverisbroughtforwardafterwardmerelyservestoirritateyoufurther,neverto
convinceyou.Thenallonegetsfromyouis:"Dowhateveryoulike.SofarasI'mconcernedyou

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haveafreehand.You'reofage,I'venoadvicetogiveyou,"andallthiswiththatfrightful,
hoarseundertoneofangeranduttercondemnationthatmakesmetremblelesstodaythaninmy
childhoodonlybecausethechild'sexclusivesenseofguilthasbeenpartlyreplacedbyinsight
intoourhelplessness,yoursandmine.
Theimpossibilityofgettingoncalmlytogetherhadonemoreresult,actuallyaverynaturalone:
Ilostthecapacitytotalk.IdaresayIwouldnothavebecomeaveryeloquentpersoninanycase,
butIwould,afterall,haveacquiredtheusualfluencyofhumanlanguage.Butataveryearly
stageyouforbademetospeak.Yourthreat,"Notawordofcontradiction!"andtheraisedhand
thataccompaniedithavebeenwithmeeversince.WhatIgotfromyouandyouare,whenever
itisamatterofyourownaffairs,anexcellenttalkerwasahesitant,stammeringmodeof
speech,andeventhatwasstilltoomuchforyou,andfinallyIkeptsilent,atfirstperhapsoutof
defiance,andthenbecauseIcouldneitherthinknorspeakinyourpresence.Andbecauseyou
werethepersonwhoreallybroughtmeup,thishashaditsrepercussionsthroughoutmylife.Itis
altogetheraremarkablemistakeforyoutobelieveInevercompliedwithyourwishes."Always
contrary"wasreallynotmybasicprinciplewhereyouwereconcerned,asyoubelieveandasyou
reproachme.Onthecontrary:ifIhadobeyedyouless,Iamsureyouwouldhavebeenmuch
betterpleasedwithme.Asitis,allyoureducationalmeasureshitthemarkexactly.Therewasno
holdItriedtoescape.AsInowam,Iam(apart,ofcourse,fromthefundamentalsandthe
influenceoflifeitself)theresultofyourupbringingandofmyobedience.Thatthisresultis
neverthelessdistressingtoyou,indeedthatyouunconsciouslyrefusetoacknowledgeitasthe
resultofyourmethodsofupbringing,isduetothefactthatyourhandandthematerialIoffered
weresoalientoeachother.Youwouldsay:"Notawordofcontradiction!"thinkingthatthatwas
awayofsilencingtheoppositionalforcesinmethatweredisagreeabletoyou,buttheeffectofit
wastoostrongforme,Iwastoodocile,Ibecamecompletelydumb,cringedawayfromyou,hid
fromyou,andonlydaredtostirwhenIwassofarawayfromyouthatyourpowercouldno
longerreachmeatleastnotdirectly.Butyouwerefacedwithallthat,anditallseemedtoyou
tobe"contrary,"whereasitwasonlytheinevitableconsequenceofyourstrengthandmy
weakness.
Yourextremelyeffectiverhetoricalmethodsinbringingmeup,whichneverfailedtoworkwith
me,were:abuse,threats,irony,spitefullaughter,andoddlyenoughselfpity.Icannotrecall
youreverhavingabusedmedirectlyandindownrightabusiveterms.Norwasthatnecessary
youhadsomanyothermethods,andbesides,intalkathomeandparticularlyattheshopthe
wordsofabusewentflyingaroundmeinsuchswarms,astheywereflungatotherpeople's
heads,thatasalittleboyIwassometimesalmoststunnedandhadnoreasonnottoapplythemto
myselftoo,forthepeopleyouwereabusingwerecertainlynoworsethanIwasandyouwere
certainlynotmoredispleasedwiththemthanwithme.Andhereagainwasyourenigmatic
innocenceandinviolabilityyoucursedandsworewithouttheslightestscrupleyetyou
condemnedcursingandswearinginotherpeopleandwouldnothaveit.
Youreinforcedabusivenesswiththreatsandthisappliedtometoo.Howterribleformewas,for
instance,that"I'lltearyouapartlikeafish,"althoughIknew,ofcourse,thatnothingworsewas
tofollow(admittedly,asalittlechildIdidn'tknowthat),butitwasalmostexactlyinaccordwith
mynotionsofyourpower,andIsawyouasbeingcapableofdoingthistoo.Itwasalsoterrible
whenyouranaroundthetable,shouting,grabbingatone,obviouslynotreallytryingtograb,yet

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pretendingto,andMother(finally)hadtorescueone,asitseemed.Onceagainonehad,soit
seemedtothechild,remainedalivethroughyourmercyandboreone'slifehenceforthasan
undeservedgiftfromyou.Thisisalsotheplacetomentionthethreatsabouttheconsequencesof
disobedience.WhenIbegantodosomethingyoudidnotlikeandyouthreatenedmewiththe
prospectoffailure,myvenerationforyouropinionwassogreatthatthefailurebecame
inevitable,eventhoughperhapsithappenedonlyatsomelatertime.Ilostconfidenceinmyown
actions.Iwaswavering,doubtful.TheolderIbecame,themorematerialtherewasforyouto
bringupagainstmeasevidenceofmyworthlessnessgraduallyyoubeganreallytoberightina
certainrespect.Onceagain,IamcarefulnottoassertthatIbecamelikethissolelythroughyou
youonlyintensifiedwhatwasalreadythere,butyouintensifieditgreatly,simplybecausewhere
Iwasconcernedyouwereverypowerfulandyouemployedallyourpowertothatend.
Youputspecialtrustinbringingupchildrenbymeansofirony,andthiswasmostinkeeping
withyoursuperiorityoverme.Anadmonitionfromyougenerallytookthisform:"Can'tyoudo
itinsuchandsuchaway?That'stoohardforyou,Isuppose.Youhaven'tthetime,ofcourse?"
andsoon.Andeachsuchquestionwouldbeaccompaniedbymaliciouslaughterandamalicious
face.Onewas,sotospeak,alreadypunishedbeforeoneevenknewthatonehaddonesomething
bad.Maddeningwerealsothoserebukesinwhichonewastreatedasathirdperson,inother
words,considerednotworthyeventobespokentoangrilythatistosay,whenyouwouldspeak
ostensiblytoMotherbutactuallytome,whowassittingrightthere.Forinstance:"Ofcourse,
that'stoomuchtoexpectofourworthyson,"andthelike.(Thisproducedacorollaryinthat,for
instance,Ididnotdaretoaskyou,andlaterfromhabitdidnotevenreallymuchthinkofasking,
anythingdirectlywhenMotherwasthere.Itwasmuchlessdangerousforthechildtoput
questionstoMother,sittingtherebesideyou,andtoaskMother:"HowisFather?"soguarding
oneselfagainstsurprises.)Therewere,ofcourse,alsocaseswhenonewasentirelyinagreement
witheventheworstirony,namely,whenitreferredtosomeoneelse,suchasElli,withwhomI
wasonbadtermsforyears.Therewasanorgyofmaliceandspitefuldelightformewhensuch
thingsweresaidofher,astheywereatalmosteverymeal:"Shehastosittenfeetbackfromthe
table,thebigfatlump,"andwhenyou,moroselysittingonyourchairwithouttheslightesttrace
ofpleasantnessorgoodhumor,abitterenemy,wouldexaggeratedlyimitatethewayshesat,
whichyoufoundutterlyloathsome.Howoftensuchthingshappened,overandoveragain,and
howlittleyoureallyachievedasaresultofthem!Ithinkthereasonwasthattheexpenditureof
angerandmaliceseemedtobeinnoproperrelationtothesubjectitself,onedidnothavethe
feelingthattheangerwascausedbythistrifleofsittingsomewaybackfromthetable,butthat
thewholebulkofithadalreadybeenpresenttobeginwith,then,onlybychance,happenedto
settleonthismatterasapretextforbreakingout.Sinceonewasconvincedthatapretextwould
befoundanyway,onedidnottryveryhard,andone'sfeelingsbecamedulledbythesecontinued
threats.Onehadgraduallybecomeprettysureofnotgettingabeating,anyway.Onebecamea
glum,inattentive,disobedientchild,alwaysintentonescape,mainlywithinone'sownself.So
yousuffered,andsowesuffered.Fromyourownpointofviewyouwerequiterightwhen,
clenchingyourteethandwiththatgurglinglaughterthatgavethechilditsfirstnotionsofhell,
youusedtosaybitterly(asyoudidonlyjustrecentlyinconnectionwithaletterfrom
Constantinople):"Anicecrowdthatis!"
Whatseemedtobequiteincompatiblewiththisattitudetowardyourchildrenwas,andit

25

happenedveryoften,thatyouopenlylamentedyoursituation.Iconfessthatasachild(though
probablysomewhatlater)Iwascompletelycallousaboutthisandcouldnotunderstandhowyou
couldpossiblyexpecttogetanysympathyfromanyone.Youweresuchagiantineveryrespect.
Whatcouldyoucareforourpityorevenourhelp?Ourhelp,indeed,youcouldnotbutdespise,
asyousooftendespisedusourselves.Hence,Ididnottaketheselamentsattheirfacevalueand
lookedforsomehiddenmotivebehindthem.OnlylaterdidIcometounderstandthatyoureally
sufferedagreatdealbecauseofyourchildrenbutatthattime,whentheselamentsmightunder
differentcircumstancesstillhavemetwithachildish,candidsympathy,unhesitatinglyreadyto
offeranyhelpitcould,tometheyhadtoseemlikeoveremphaticmeansofdiscipliningmeand
humiliatingme,assuchnotinthemselvesveryintense,butwiththeharmfulsideeffectthatthe
childbecameconditionednottotakeveryseriouslytheverythingsitshouldhavetaken
seriously.
Fortunately,therewereexceptionstoallthis,mostlywhenyousufferedinsilence,andaffection
andkindlinessbytheirownstrengthovercameallobstacles,andmovedmeimmediately.Rareas
thiswas,itwaswonderful.Forinstance,inearlieryears,inhotsummers,whenyouweretired
afterlunch,Isawyouhavinganapattheoffice,yourelbowonthedeskoryoujoinedusinthe
country,inthesummerholidays,onSundays,wornoutfromworkorthetimeMotherwas
gravelyillandyoustoodholdingontothebookcase,shakingwithsobsorwhen,duringmylast
illness,youcametiptoeingtoOttla'sroomtoseeme,stoppinginthedoorway,craningyourneck
toseeme,andoutofconsiderationonlywavedtomewithyourhand.Atsuchtimesonewould
liebackandweepforhappiness,andoneweepsagainnow,writingitdown.
Youhaveaparticularlybeautiful,veryrarewayofquietly,contentedly,approvinglysmiling,a
wayofsmilingthatcanmakethepersonforwhomitismeantentirelyhappy.Ican'trecallits
everhavingexpresslybeenmylotinmychildhood,butIdaresayitmayhavehappened,for
whyshouldyouhaverefusedittomeatatimewhenIstillseemedblamelesstoyouandwas
yourgreathope?Yetinthelongrunevensuchfriendlyimpressionsbroughtaboutnothingbut
anincreasedsenseofguilt,makingtheworldstillmoreincomprehensibletome.
Iwouldratherkeeptothepracticalandpermanent.Inordertoassertmyselfevenalittlein
relationtoyou,andpartlytoofromakindofvengefulness,Isoonbegantoobservelittle
ridiculousthingsaboutyou,tocollectthemandtoexaggeratethem.Forinstance,howeasilyyou
letyourselfbedazzledbypeoplewhowereonlyseeminglyaboveyou,howyouwouldkeepon
talkingaboutthem,asofsomeImperialCouncilororsomesuch(ontheotherhand,suchthings
alsopainedme,toseeyou,myfather,believingyouhadanyneedofsuchtriflingconfirmations
ofyourownvalue,andboastingaboutthem),orIwouldnoteyourtasteforindecentexpressions,
whichyouwouldproduceintheloudestpossiblevoice,laughingaboutthemasthoughyouhad
saidsomethingparticularlygood,whileinpointoffactitwasonlyabanallittleobscenity(atthe
sametimethisagainwasformeahumiliatingmanifestationofyourvitality).Therewere,of
course,plentyofsuchobservations.Iwashappyaboutthemtheygavemeoccasionfor
whisperingandjokingyousometimesnoticeditandwereangryaboutit,tookitformaliceand
lackofrespect,butbelieveme,itwasformenothingotherthanameansmoreover,auseless
oneofattemptedselfpreservationtheywerejokesofthekindthataremadeaboutgodsand
kings,jokesthatarenotonlycompatiblewiththeprofoundestrespectbutareindeedpartand

25

parcelofit.
Incidentally,youtoo,inkeepingwithyoursimilarpositionwhereIwasconcerned,trieda
similarformofselfdefense.YouwereinthehabitofpointingouthowexaggeratedlywelloffI
wasandhowwellIhadinfactbeentreated.ThatiscorrectbutIdon'tbelieveitwasofanyreal
usetomeundertheprevailingcircumstances.ItistruethatMotherwasendlesslygoodtome,
butformeallthatwasinrelationtoyou,thatistosay,innogoodrelation.Mother
unconsciouslyplayedthepartofabeaterduringahunt.Evenifyourmethodofupbringing
mightinsomeunlikelycasehavesetmeonmyownfeetbymeansofproducingdefiance,
dislike,orevenhateinme,Mothercanceledthatoutagainbykindness,bytalkingsensibly(in
theconfusionofmychildhoodshewastheveryprototypeofgoodsenseandreasonableness),by
pleadingformeandIwasagaindrivenbackintoyourorbit,whichImightperhapsotherwise
havebrokenoutof,toyouradvantageandtomyown.Orithappenedthatnorealreconciliation
cameabout,thatMothermerelyshieldedmefromyouinsecret,secretlygavemesomething,or
allowedmetodosomething,andthenwhereyouwereconcernedIwasagainthefurtive
creature,thecheat,theguiltyone,whoinhisworthlessnesscouldonlypursuesneakymethods
eventogetthethingsheregardedashisright.Ofcourse,Ibecameusedtotakingsuchacourse
alsoinquestofthingstowhich,eveninmyownview,Ihadnoright.Thisagainmeantan
increaseinthesenseofguilt.Itisalsotruethatyouhardlyeverreallygavemeabeating.Butthe
shouting,thewayyourfacegotred,thehastyundoingofthesuspendersandlayingthemready
overthebackofthechair,allthatwasalmostworseforme.Itisasifsomeoneisgoingtobe
hanged.Ifhereallyishanged,thenheisdeadanditisallover.Butifhehastogothroughallthe
preliminariestobeinghangedandhelearnsofhisreprieveonlywhenthenooseisdangling
beforehisface,hemaysufferfromitallhislife.Besides,fromthemanyoccasionsonwhichI
had,accordingtoyourclearlyexpressedopinion,deservedabeatingbutwasletoffatthelast
momentbyyourgrace,Iagainaccumulatedonlyahugesenseofguilt.OneverysideIwasto
blame,Iwasinyourdebt.
Youhavealwaysreproachedme(eitheraloneorinfrontofothers,sinceyouhavenofeelingfor
thehumiliationofthelatter,andyourchildren'saffairswerealwayspublic)forlivinginpeace
andquiet,warmthandabundance,lackingnothing,thankstoyourhardwork.Ithinkofremarks
thatmustpositivelyhaveworngroovesinmybrain,suchas:"WhenIwasonlysevenIhadto
pushahandcartfromvillagetovillage.""Weallhadtosleepinoneroom.""Weweregladwhen
wegotpotatoes.""ForyearsIhadopensoresonmylegsbecauseIdidnothaveenoughwarm
clothes.""IwasonlyalittleboywhenIwassenttoPisektoworkinastore.""Igotnothingfrom
home,notevenwhenIwasinthearmy,butstillImanagedtosendmoneyhome.""Butforall
that,forallthatFatherwasalwaysFathertome.Ah,nobodyknowswhatthatmeansthese
days!Whatdothesechildrenknow?Nobody'sbeenthroughthat!Doesanychildunderstand
suchthingstoday?"Underotherconditionssuchstoriesmighthavebeenveryeducational,they
mighthavebeenawayinencouragingoneandstrengtheningonetoenduretormentsand
deprivationssimilartothoseone'sfatherhadundergone.Butthatwasn'twhatyouwantedatall
thesituationhad,afterall,becomequitedifferentasaresultofallyourefforts,andtherewasno
opportunitytodistinguishoneselfasyouhaddone.Suchanopportunitywouldfirstofallhave
hadtobecreatedbyviolenceandrevolutions,itwouldhavemeantbreakingawayfromhome
(assumingonehadhadtheresolutionandstrengthtodosoandthatMotherwouldn'thave

25

workedagainstit,forherpart,withothermeans)Butthatwasnotwhatyouwantedatall,that
youtermedingratitude,extravagance,disobedience,treachery,madness.Andso,whileonthe
onehandyoutemptedmetoitbymeansofexample,story,andhumiliation,ontheotherhand
youforbadeitwiththeutmostseverity.Otherwise,forinstanceyououghttohavebeendelighted
withOttla'sZrauescapade*apartfromtheaccompanyingcircumstances.Shewantedtoget
backtothecountryfromwhichyouhadcome,shewantedworkandhardshipsuchasyouhad
had,shedidnotwanttodependonthefruitsofyourlabor,justasyouyourselfwereindependent
ofyourfather.Werethosesuchdreadfulintentions?Wasthatsoremotefromyourexampleand
yourprecept?Well,Ottla'sintentionsfinallycametonothinginpractice,wereindeedperhaps
carriedoutinasomewhatridiculousway,withtoomuchfuss,andshedidnothaveenough
considerationforherparents.Butwasthatexclusivelyherfaultandnotalsothefaultofthe
circumstancesand,aboveall,ofthefactthatyouweresoestrangedfromher?Wassheanyless
estrangedfromyou(asyoulatertriedtoconvinceyourself)inthebusinessthanafterwardat
Zrau?Andwouldyounotquitecertainlyhavehadthepower(assumingyoucouldhavebrought
yourselftodoso)toturnthatescapadeintosomethingverygoodbymeansofencouragement,
advice,andsupervision,perhapsevenmerelybymeansoftoleration?
*ReferstohissisterOttla'stakingoverthemanagementofafarmintheGermanBohemiantown
ofZrau.Kafkaspenttimewithherthereduringhisillnessin191718.(Ed.)
Inconnectionwithsuchexperiencesyouusedtosay,inbitterjest,thatweweretoowelloff.But
thatjokeis,inasense,nojokeatall.Whatyouhadtofightforwereceivedfromyourhand,but
thefightforexternallife,afightthatwasinstantlyopentoyouandwhichweare,ofcourse,not
sparedeither,wenowhavetofightforonlylateinlife,inourmaturitybutwithonlychildish
strength.Idonotsaythatoursituationisthereforeinevitablylessfavorablethanyourswas,on
thecontrary,itisprobablynobetterandnoworse(althoughthisissaidwithoutreferencetoour
differentnatures),onlywehavethedisadvantageofnotbeingabletoboastofourwretchedness
andnotbeingabletohumiliateanyonewithitasyouhavedonewithyourwretchedness.Nordo
Idenythatitmighthavebeenpossibleformetoreallyenjoythefruitsofyourgreatand
successfulworkthatIcouldhaveturnedthemtogoodaccountand,toyourjoy,continuedto
workwiththembuthereagain,ourestrangementstoodintheway.Icouldenjoywhatyougave,
butonlyinhumiliation,weariness,weakness,andwithasenseofguilt.ThatwaswhyIcouldbe
gratefultoyouforeverythingonlyasabeggaris,andcouldnevershowitbydoingtheright
things.
ThenextexternalresultofthiswholemethodofupbringingwasthatIfledeverythingthateven
remotelyremindedmeofyou.First,thebusiness.Initself,especiallyinmychildhood,solongas
itwasstillasimpleshop,Ioughttohavelikeditverymuch,itwassofulloflife,litupinthe
evening,therewassomuchtoseeandhearonewasabletohelpnowandthen,todistinguish
oneself,and,aboveall,toadmireyouforyourmagnificentcommercialtalents,forthewayyou
soldthings,managedpeople,madejokes,wereuntiring,incaseofdoubtknewhowtomakethe
rightdecisionimmediately,andsofortheventhewayyouwrappedaparceloropenedacrate
wasaspectacleworthwatchingallthiswascertainlynottheworstschoolforachild.Butsince
yougraduallybegantoterrifymeonallsidesandthebusinessandyoubecameonethingforme,
thebusinesstoomademefeeluneasy.Thingsthathadatfirstbeenamatterofcourseforme
therenowbegantotormentandshameme,particularlythewayyoutreatedthestaff.Idon't

25

know,perhapsitwasthesameinmostbusinesses(intheAssicurazioniGenerali,forinstance,in
mytimeitwasreallysimilar,andtheexplanationIgavethedirectorformyresignationwas,
thoughnotstrictlyinaccordancewiththetruth,stillnotentirelyalie:mynotbeingabletobear
thecursingandswearing,whichincidentallyhadnotactuallybeendirectedatmeitwas
somethingtowhichIhadbecometoopainfullysensitivefromhome),butinmychildhoodother
businessesdidnotconcernme.ButyouIheardandsawshouting,cursing,andraginginthe
shop,inawaythatinmyopinionatthattimehadnoequalanywhereintheworld.Andnotonly
cursing,butothersortsoftyrannizing.Forinstance,thewayyoupushedgoodsyoudidnotwant
tohavemixedupwithothersoffthecounteronlythethoughtlessnessofyourragewassome
slightexcuseandhowtheclerkhadtopickthemup.Oryourconstantcommentaboutaclerk
whohadTB:"Thesoonerthatsickdogcroaksthebetter."Youcalledtheemployees"paid
enemies,"andthatwaswhattheywere,butevenbeforetheybecamethat,youseemedtometo
betheir"payingenemy."There,too,Ilearnedthegreatlessonthatyoucouldbeunjustinmy
owncaseIwouldnothavenoticeditsosoon,fortherewastoomuchaccumulatedsenseofguilt
inmereadytoadmitthatyouwererightbutintheshop,inmychildishviewwhichlater,of
course,becamesomewhatmodified,althoughnottoomuchsowerestrangers,whowereafter
all,workingforusandforthatreasonhadtoliveinconstantdreadofyou.OfcourseI
exaggerated,becauseIsimplyassumedyouhadasterribleaneffectonthesepeopleasonme.If
ithadbeenso,theycouldnothavelivedatallsince,howevertheyweregrownuppeople,most
ofthemwithexcellentnerves,theyshookoffthisabusewithoutanytroubleandintheenditdid
youmuchmoreharmthanitdidthem.Butitmadethebusinessinsufferabletome,reminding
mefartoomuchofmyrelationswithyouquiteapartfromyourproprietaryinterestandapart
fromyourmaniafordominationevenasabusinessman,youweresogreatlysuperiortoallthose
whoevercametolearnthebusinessfromyouthatnothingtheyeverdidcouldsatisfyyou,and
youmust,asIassumed,inthesamewaybeforeverdissatisfiedwithmetoo.ThatwaswhyI
couldnothelpsidingwiththestaffIdiditalso,bytheway,becausefromsheernervousnessI
couldnotunderstandhowanyonecouldbesoabusivetoastranger,andthereforefromsheer
nervousnessandfornootherreasonthanmyownsecurityItriedtoreconcilethestaff,which
must,Ithought,beinaterriblestateofindignation,withyouandwithourfamily.Tothisendit
wasnotenoughformetobehaveinanordinarydecentwaytowardthestaff,orevenmodestly
morethanthat,Ihadtobehumble,notonlybefirsttosay"goodmorning"or"goodevening,"
butifatallpossibleIhadtoforestallanyreturnofthegreeting.AndevenifI,insignificant
creaturethatIwas,downbelow,hadlickedtheirfeetitwouldstillhavebeennocompensation
forthewaythatyou,themaster,werelashingoutatthemupabove.ThisrelationshipthatIcame
tohavetowardmyfellowmanextendedbeyondthelimitsofthebusinessandonintothefuture
(somethingsimilar,butnotsodangerousanddeepgoingasinmycase,isforinstanceOttla's
tasteforassociatingwithpoorpeople,sittingtogetherwiththemaids,whichannoysyouso
much,andthelike).IntheendIwasalmostafraidofthebusinessand,inanycase,ithadlong
ceasedtobeanyconcernofmineevenbeforeIwenttotheGymnasiumandhencewastaken
evenfurtherawayfromit.Besides,itseemedtobeentirelybeyondmyresourcesandcapacities
since,asyousaid,itexhaustedevenyours.Youthentried(todaythisseemstomebothtouching
andshaming)toextract,nevertheless,somelittlesweetnessforyourselffrommydislikeofthe
business,ofyourworldadislikethatwasafterallverydistressingtoyoubyassertingthatI
hadnobusinesssense,thatIhadloftierideasinmyhead,andthelike.Motherwas,ofcourse,
delightedwiththisexplanationthatyouwrungfromyourself,andItoo,inmyvanityand

25

wretchedness,letmyselfbeinfluencedbyit.Butifithadreallybeenonlyormainly"loftier
ideas"thatturnedmeagainstthebusiness(whichInow,butonlynow,havecomereallyand
honestlytohate),theywouldhavehadtoexpressthemselvesdifferently,insteadoflettingme
floatquicklyandtimidlythroughmyschoolingandmylawstudiesuntilIfinallylandedata
clerk'sdesk.
IfIwastoescapefromyou,Ihadtoescapefromthefamilyaswell,evenfromMother.True,
onecouldalwaysgetprotectionfromher,butonlyinrelationtoyou.Shelovedyoutoomuch
andwastoodevotedandloyaltoyoutohavebeenforlonganindependentspiritualforceinthe
child'sstruggle.Thiswas,incidentally,acorrectinstinctofthechild,forwiththepassingofthe
yearsMotherbecameevermorecloselyalliedtoyouwhile,wheresheherselfwasconcerned,
shealwayskeptherindependence,withinthenarrowestlimits,delicatelyandbeautifully,and
withouteveressentiallyhurtingyou,still,withthepassingoftheyearsshemoreandmore
completely,emotionallyratherthanintellectually,blindlyadoptedyourjudgmentsandyour
condemnationswithregardtothechildren,particularlyinthecasecertainlyagraveoneof
Ottla.Ofcourse,itmustalwaysbeborneinmindhowtormentingandutterlywearingMother's
positioninthefamilywas.Shetoiledinthebusinessandinthehouse,anddoublysufferedall
thefamilyillnesses,buttheculminationofallthiswaswhatshesufferedinherpositionbetween
usandyou.Youwerealwaysaffectionateandconsideratetowardher,butinthisrespect,you
sparedherjustaslittleaswesparedher.Weallhammeredruthlesslyawayather,youfromyour
side,wefromours.Itwasadiversion,nobodymeantanyharm,thinkingofthebattlethatyou
werewagingwithusandthatwewerewagingwithyou,anditwasMotherwhogotthebruntof
allourwildfeelings.Norwasitatallagoodcontributiontothechildren'supbringingtheway
youofcourse,withoutbeingintheslightesttoblameforityourselftormentedheronour
account.Itevenseemedtojustifyourotherwiseunjustifiablebehaviortowardher.Howshe
sufferedfromusonyouraccountsandfromyouonouraccount,evenwithoutcountingthose
casesinwhichyouwereintherightbecauseshewasspoilingus,eventhoughthis"spoiling"
maysometimeshavebeenonlyaquiet,unconsciouscounterdemonstrationagainstyoursystem.
Ofcourse,Mothercouldnothaveborneallthisifshehadnotdrawnthestrengthtobearitfrom
herloveforusallandherhappinessinthatlove.
Mysisterswereonlypartlyonmyside.Theonewhowashappiestinherrelationtoyouwas
Valli.BeingclosesttoMother,shefellinwithyourwishesinasimilarway,withoutmucheffort
andwithoutsufferingmuchharm.AndbecausesheremindedyouofMother,youdidaccepther
inamorefriendlyspirit,althoughtherewaslittleKafkamaterialinher.Butperhapsthatwas
preciselywhatyouwantedwheretherewasnothingoftheKafka's,evenyoucouldnotdemand
anythingofthesort,nordidyoufeel,aswiththerestofus,thatsomethingwasgettinglost
whichhadtobesavedbyforce.Besides,itmaybethatyouwereneverparticularlyfondofthe
Kafkaelementasitmanifesteditselfinwomen.Valli'srelationshiptoyouwouldperhapshave
becomeevenfriendlieriftherestofushadnotdisturbeditsomewhat.
Elliistheonlyexampleofthealmostcompletesuccessofabreakingawayfromyourorbit.
WhenshewasachildshewasthelastpersonIshouldhaveexpecteditof.Forshewassucha
clumsy,tired,timid,badtempered,guiltridden,overmeek,malicious,lazy,greedy,miserly
child,Icouldhardlybringmyselftolookather,certainlynottospeaktoher,somuchdidshe
remindmeofmyself,insoverymuchthesamewaywassheunderthesamespellofour

25

upbringing.Hermiserlinesswasespeciallyabhorrenttome,sinceIhadittoan,ifpossible,even
greaterextent.Miserlinessis,afterall,oneofthemostreliablesignsofprofoundunhappinessI
wassounsureofeverythingthat,infact,IpossessedonlywhatIactuallyhadinmyhandsorin
mymouthorwhatwasatleastonthewaythere,andthiswaspreciselywhatshe,beingina
similarsituation,mostenjoyedtakingawayfromme.Butallthischangedwhen,atanearly
agethisisthemostimportantthingshelefthome,married,hadchildren,andbecame
cheerful,carefree,brave,generous,unselfish,andhopeful.Itisalmostincrediblehowyoudid
notreallynoticethischangeatall,oratanyratedidnotgiveititsdue,blindedasyouwereby
thegrudgeyouhavealwaysborneElliandfundamentallystillbearhertothisdayonlythis
grudgemattersmuchlessnow,sinceEllinolongerliveswithusand,besides,yourloveforFelix
andyouraffectionforKarlhavemadeitlessimportant.OnlyGertisometimeshastosufferforit
still.
IscarcelydarewriteofOttlaIknowthatbydoingsoIjeopardizethewholeeffectIhopefor
fromthisletter.Inordinarycircumstances,thatis,solongassheisnotinparticularneedor
danger,allyoufeelisonlyhatredforheryouyourselfhaveconfessedtomethatinyouropinion
sheisalwaysintentionallycausingyousufferingandannoyanceandthatwhileyouaresuffering
onheraccountsheissatisfiedandpleased.Inotherwords,asortoffiend.Whatanimmense
estrangement,greaterstillthanthatbetweenyouandme,musthavecomeaboutbetweenyou
andher,forsuchanimmensemisunderstandingtobepossible.Sheissoremotefromyouthat
youscarcelyseeheranymore,instead,youputaspecterintheplacewhereyousupposeherto
be.Igrantyouthatyouhavehadaparticularlydifficulttimewithher.Idon't,ofcourse,quite
seetothebottomofthisverycomplicatedcase,butatanyrateherewassomethinglikeakindof
Lwy,equippedwiththebestKafkaweapons.BetweenustherewasnorealstruggleIwassoon
finishedoffwhatremainedwasflight,embitterment,melancholy,andinnerstruggle.Butyou
Twowerealwaysinafightingposition,alwaysfresh,alwaysenergetic.Asightasmagnificentas
itwasdesperate.Attheverybeginningyouwere,Iamsure,veryclosetoeachother,becauseof
thefourofusOttlaiseventodayperhapsthepurestrepresentationofthemarriagebetweenyou
andMotherandoftheforcesitcombined.Idon'tknowwhatitwasthatdeprivedyoubothofthe
happinessoftheharmonybetweenfatherandchild,butIcan'thelpbelievingthatthe
developmentinthiscasewassimilartothatinmine.Onyoursidetherewasthetyrannyofyour
ownnature,onhersidetheLwydefiance,touchiness,senseofjustice,restlessness,andallthat
backedbytheconsciousnessoftheKafkavigor.DoubtlessItooinfluencedher,butscarcelyof
myowndoing,simplythroughthefactofmyexistence.Besides,asthelasttoarrive,shefound
herselfinasituationinwhichthebalanceofpowerwasalreadyestablished,andwasableto
formherownjudgmentfromthelargeamountofmaterialatherdisposal.Icanevenimagine
thatshemay,inherinmostbeing,havewaveredforsometimeastowhethersheshouldfling
herselfintoyourarmsorintothoseoftheadversariesanditisobviousthatatthattimethere
wassomethingyoufailedtodoandthatyourebuffedher,butifithadbeenpossible,theTwoof
youwouldhavebecomeamagnificentlyharmoniouspair.ThatwayIshouldhavelostanally,
butthesightofyouTwowouldhaverichlycompensatedmebesides,theincrediblehappinessof
findingcompletecontentmentatleastinonechildwouldhavechangedyoumuchtomy
advantage.Allthis,however,istodayonlyadream.Ottlahasnocontactwithherfatherandhas
toseekherwayalone,likeme,andthedegreeofconfidence,selfconfidence,health,and
ruthlessnessbywhichshesurpassesmemakesherinyoureyesmorewickedandtreacherous

25

thanIseemtoyou.Iunderstandthat.Fromyourpointofviewshecan'tbedifferent.Indeed,she
herselfiscapableofregardingherselfwithyoureyes,offeelingwhatyousufferandof
beingnotdesperate(despairismybusiness)butverysad.Youdoseeustogetheroften
enough,inapparentcontradictiontothis,whisperingandlaughing,andnowandthenyouhearus
mentioningyou.Theimpressionyougetisthatofimpudentconspirators.Strangeconspirators.
Youare,admittedly,achiefsubjectofourconversations,asofourthoughtseversincewecan
remember,buttruly,notinordertoplotagainstyoudowesittogether,butinorderto
discusswithallourmightandmain,jokinglyandseriously,inaffection,defiance,anger,
revulsion,submission,consciousnessofguilt,withalltheresourcesofourheadsand
heartsthisterribletrialthatispendingbetweenusandyou,toexamineitinallitsdetails,from
allsides,onalloccasions,fromfarandnearatrialinwhichyoukeeponclaimingtobethe
judge,whereas,atleastinthemain(hereIleaveamarginforallthemistakesImaynaturally
make)youareapartytoo,justasweakanddeludedasweare.Anexampleoftheeffectofyour
methodsofupbringing,onethatisveryinstructiveinthecontextofthewholesituation,isthe
caseofIrma.Ontheonehand,shewas,afterall,astranger,alreadygrownupwhensheentered
yourbusiness,andhadtodealwithyoumainlyasheremployer,sothatshewasonlypartially
exposedtoyourinfluence,andthisatanagewhenshehadalreadydevelopedpowersof
resistanceyet,ontheotherhand,shewasalsoabloodrelation,veneratingyouasherfather's
brother,andthepoweryouhadoverherwasfargreaterthanthatofamereemployer.And
despiteallthisshe,who,withherfrailbody,wassoefficient,intelligent,hardworking,modest,
trustworthy,unselfish,andloyal,wholovedyouasheruncleandadmiredyouasheremployer,
shewhoprovedherselfinpreviousandinsubsequentpositions,wasnotaverygoodclerkto
you.Herrelationshipwithyouwas,infact,nearlythatofoneofyourchildrenpushedintothat
role,naturally,byus,tooandthepowerofyourpersonalitytobendotherswas,eveninher
case,sogreatthat(admittedlyonlyinrelationtoyouand,itistobehoped,withoutthedeeper
sufferingofachild)shedevelopedforgetfulness,carelessness,asortofgallowshumor,and
perhapsevenashadeofdefiance,insofarasshewascapableofthatatall.AndIdonoteven
takeintoaccountthatshewasailing,andnotveryhappyinotherrespectseither,andthatshe
wasburdenedbyableakhomelife.Whatwassoilluminatingtomeinyourrelationtoher,you
yourselfsummedupinaremarkthatbecameclassicalforus,onethatwasalmostblasphemous,
butatthesametimeextraordinaryevidenceofthenavetofyourwayoftreatingpeople:"The
latelamentedhasleftmequiteamess."
Imightgoontodescribefurtherorbitsofyourinfluenceandofthestruggleagainstit,butthereI
wouldbeenteringuncertaingroundandwouldhavetoconstructthingsand,apartfromthat,the
fartheryouareawayfromyourbusinessandyourfamily,thepleasanteryouhavealways
become,easiertogetonwith,bettermannered,moreconsiderate,andmoresympathetic(Imean
outwardly,too),inexactlythesamewayasforinstanceanautocrat,whenhehappenstobe
outsidethefrontiersofhisowncountry,hasnoreasontogoonbeingtyrannicalandisableto
associategoodhumoredlyevenwiththelowestofthelow.Infact,inthegroupphotographs
takenatFranzensbad,forinstance,youalwayslookedasbigandjolly,amongthosesulkylittle
people,asakingonhistravels.Thiswassomething,Igrantyou,fromwhichyourchildren
mighthavebenefitedtoo,iftheyhadbeencapableofrecognizingthisevenaslittlechildren,
whichwasimpossibleandifI,forone,hadnothadtoliveconstantlywithintheinmost,

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strictest,bindingringofyourinfluence,as,infact,Idid.
NotonlydidIlosemyfamilyfeeling,asyousayonthecontrary,Ididindeedhaveafeeling
aboutthefamily,mostlyinanegativesense,concernedwiththebreakingawayfromyou(which,
ofcoursecouldneverbedonecompletely).Relationswithpeopleoutsidethefamily,however,
sufferedpossiblystillmoreunderyourinfluence.YouareentirelymistakenifyoubelieveIdo
everythingforotherpeopleoutofaffectionandloyalty,andforyouandthefamilynothing,out
ofcoldnessandbetrayal.Irepeatforthetenthtime:EveninothercircumstancesIshould
probablyhavebecomeashyandnervousperson,butitisalongdarkroadfromtheretowhereI
havereallycome.(UptonowIhaveintentionallypassedoverinsilencerelativelylittleinthis
letter,butnowandlaterIshallhavetokeepsilentaboutsomethingsthatarestilltoohardforme
toconfesstoyouandtomyself.Isaythisinorderthatifthepictureasawholeshouldbe
somewhatblurredhereandthere,youshouldnotbelievethatthisisduetolackofevidenceon
thecontrary,thereisevidencethatmightwellmakethepictureunbearablystark.Itisnoteasyto
findamiddleway.)Here,itisenoughtoremindyouofearlydays.Ihadlostmyselfconfidence
whereyouwereconcerned,andinitsplacehaddevelopedaboundlesssenseofguilt.(In
recollectionofthisboundlessnessIoncewroteofsomeone,accurately:"Heisafraidtheshame
willoutlivehim.")IcouldnotsuddenlychangewhenIwaswithotherpeoplerather,Icameto
feelanevendeepersenseofguiltwiththem,for,asIhavealreadysaid,Ihadtomakeuptothem
forthewrongsyouhaddonetheminyourbusiness,wrongsinwhichItoohadmyshareof
responsibility.Besides,youalwayshadsomeobjectiontomake,franklyorcovertly,about
everyoneIassociatedwith,andforthistooIhadtoatone.Themistrustthatyoutriedtoinstill
intometowardmostpeople,atbusinessandathome(nameasinglepersonwhowasof
importancetomeinmychildhoodwhomyoudidn'tatleastonceteartoshredswithyour
criticism),was,oddlyenough,ofnoparticularburdentoyou(youwerestrongenoughtobearit
besides,itwasperhapsreallyonlyatokenoftheautocrat).Thismistrust(whichwasnowhere
confirmedintheeyesofthelittleboy,sinceeverywhereIsawonlypeopleexcellentbeyondany
hopeofemulation)turnedinmetomistrustofmyselfandperpetualanxietyabouteverything
else.There,then,Iwasingeneralcertainofnotbeingabletoescapefromyou.Thatyouwere
mistakenonthispointwasperhapsduetoyouractuallyneverlearninganythingaboutmy
associationwithotherpeopleandmistrustfullyandjealously(Idon'tdeny,doI,thatyouare
fondofme?)youassumedthatIhadtocompensateelsewhereforthelackofafamilylife,since
itmustbeimpossiblethatawayfromhomeIshouldliveinthesameway.Incidentally,inthis
respect,itwaspreciselyinmychildhoodthatIdidfindacertaincomfortinmyverymistrustof
myownjudgment.Iwouldsaytomyself:"Oh,you'reexaggerating,youtendtoomuchtofeel
trivialitiesasgreatexceptions,thewayyoungpeoplealwaysdo."ButthiscomfortIlaterlost
almostentirely,whenIgainedaclearerperspectiveoftheworld.
IfoundjustaslittleescapefromyouinJudaism.Heresomemeasureofescapewouldhavebeen
thinkableinprinciple,moreover,itwouldhavebeenthinkablethatwemightbothhavefound
eachotherinJudaismorthatweevenmighthavebegunfromthereinharmony.Butwhatsortof
JudaismwasitthatIgotfromyou?Inthecourseoftheyears,Ihavetakenroughlythree
differentattitudestoit.AsachildIreproachedmyself,inaccordwithyou,fornotgoingtothe
synagogueoftenenough,fornotfasting,andsoon.IthoughtthatinthiswayIwasdoinga
wrongnottomyselfbuttoyou,andIwaspenetratedbyasenseofguilt,whichwas,ofcourse,

25

alwaysnearathand.
Later,asayoungman,Icouldnotunderstandhow,withtheinsignificantscrapofJudaismyou
yourselfpossessed,youcouldreproachmefornotmakinganeffort(forthesakeofpietyatleast,
asyouputit)toclingtoasimilar,insignificantscrap.Itwasindeed,sofarasIcouldsee,amere
nothing,ajokenotevenajoke.Fourdaysayearyouwenttothesynagogue,whereyouwere,
tosaytheleast,closertotheindifferentthantothosewhotookitseriously,patientlywent
throughtheprayersasaformality,sometimesamazedmebybeingabletoshowmeintheprayer
bookthepassagethatwasbeingsaidatthemoment,andfortherest,solongasIwaspresentin
thesynagogue(andthiswasthemainthing)IwasallowedtohangaroundwhereverIliked.And
soIyawnedanddozedthroughthemanyhours(Idon'tthinkIwaseveragainsobored,except
lateratdancinglessons)anddidmybesttoenjoythefewlittlebitsofvarietytherewere,asfor
instancewhentheArkoftheCovenantwasopened,whichalwaysremindedmeoftheshooting
gallerieswhereacupboarddoorwouldopeninthesamewaywheneveronehitabull'seye
exceptthattheresomethinginterestingalwayscameoutandhereitwasalwaysjustthesameold
dollswithoutheads.Incidentally,itwasalsoveryfrighteningformethere,notonly,asgoes
withoutsaying,becauseofallthepeopleonecameintoclosecontactwith,butalsobecauseyou
oncementionedinpassingthatItoomightbecalledtotheTorah.ThatwassomethingIdreaded
foryears.ButotherwiseIwasnotfundamentallydisturbedinmyboredom,unlessitwasbythe
barmitzvah,butthatdemandednomorethansomeridiculousmemorizing,inotherwords,itled
tonothingbutsomeridiculouspassingofanexaminationand,sofarasyouwereconcerned,by
little,notverysignificantincidents,aswhenyouwerecalledtotheTorahandpassed,inwhatto
mywayoffeelingwasapurelysocialevent,orwhenyoustayedoninthesynagogueforthe
prayersforthedead,andIwassentaway,whichforalongtimeobviouslybecauseofthe
beingsentawayandthelackofanydeeperinterestarousedinmethemoreorlessunconscious
feelingthatsomethingindecentwasabouttotakeplace.That'showitwasinthesynagogueat
homeitwas,ifpossible,evenpoorer,beingconfinedtothefirstSeder,whichmoreandmore
developedintoafarce,withfitsofhystericallaughter,admittedlyundertheinfluenceofthe
growingchildren.(Whydidyouhavetogivewaytothatinfluence?Becauseyouhadbroughtit
about.)Thiswasthereligiousmaterialthatwashandedontome,towhichmaybeaddedatmost
theoutstretchedhandpointingto"thesonsofthemillionaireFuchs,"whoattendedthe
synagoguewiththeirfatherontheHighHolyDays.Howonecoulddoanythingbetterwiththat
materialthangetridofitasfastaspossible,Icouldnotunderstandpreciselythegettingridofit
seemedtometobethedevotesaction.

Stilllater,Ididseeitagaindifferentlyandrealizedwhyitwaspossibleforyoutothinkthatin
thisrespecttooIwasmalevolentlybetrayingyou.Youreallyhadbroughtsometracesof
Judaismwithyoufromtheghettolikevillagecommunityitwasnotmuchanditdwindleda
littlemoreinthecityandduringyourmilitaryservicebutstill,theimpressionsandmemoriesof
youryouthdidjustaboutsufficeforsomesortofJewishlife,especiallysinceyoudidnotneed
muchhelpofthatkind,butcameofrobuststockandcouldpersonallyscarcelybeshakenby
religiousscruplesunlesstheywerestronglymixedwithsocialscruples.Basicallythefaiththat
ruledyourlifeconsistedinyourbelievingintheunconditionalrightnessoftheopinionsofa
certainclassofJewishsociety,andhenceactually,sincetheseopinionswerepartandparcelof

25

yourownnature,inbelievinginyourself.EveninthistherewasstillJudaismenough,butitwas
toolittletobehandedontothechilditalldribbledawaywhileyouwerepassingiton.Inpart,it
wasyouthfulmemoriesthatcouldnotbepassedontoothersinpart,itwasyourdreaded
personality.Itwasalsoimpossibletomakeachild,overacutelyobservantfromsheer
nervousness,understandthatthefewflimsygesturesyouperformedinthenameofJudaism,and
withanindifferenceinkeepingwiththeirflimsiness,couldhaveanyhighermeaning.Foryou
theyhadmeaningaslittlesouvenirsofearliertimes,andthatwaswhyyouwantedtopassthem
ontome,butsincetheynolongerhadanyintrinsicvalueevenforyoucoulddothisonly
throughpersuasionorthreatontheonehand,thiscouldnotbesuccessful,andontheother,it
hadtomakeyouveryangrywithmeonaccountofmyapparentobstinacy,sinceyoudidnot
recognizetheweaknessofyourpositioninthis.
Thewholethingis,ofcourse,noisolatedphenomenon.Itwasmuchthesamewithalarge
sectionofthistransitionalgenerationofJews,whichhadmigratedfromthestillcomparatively
devoutcountrysidetothecities.Ithappenedautomaticallyonly,itaddedtoourrelationship,
whichcertainlydidnotlackinacrimony,onemoresufficientlypainfulsourceforit.Although
yououghttobelieve,asIdo,inyourguiltlessnessinthismattertoo,yououghttoexplainthis
guiltlessnessbyyournatureandbytheconditionsofthetimes,notmerelybyexternal
circumstancesthatis,notbysaying,forinstance,thatyouhadtoomuchworkandtoomany
otherworriestobeabletobotherwithsuchthingsaswell.Inthismanneryoutendtotwistyour
undoubtedguiltlessnessintoanunjustreproachtoothers.Thatcanbeveryeasilyrefuted
everywhereandheretoo.Itwasnotamatterofanysortofinstructionyououghttohavegiven
yourchildren,butofanexemplarylife.HadyourJudaismbeenstronger,yourexamplewould
havebeenmorecompellingtoothisgoeswithoutsayingandis,again,bynomeansareproach,
butonlyarefutationofyourreproaches.YouhaverecentlybeenreadingFranklin'smemoirsof
hisyouth.Ireallydidpurposelygiveyouthisbooktoread,thoughnot,asyouironically
commented,becauseofalittlepassageonvegetarianism,butbecauseoftherelationshipbetween
theauthorandhisfather,asitistheredescribed,andoftherelationshipbetweentheauthorand
hisson,asitisspontaneouslyrevealedinthesememoirswrittenforthatson.Idonotwishto
dwellhereonmattersofdetail.
IhavereceivedacertainretrospectiveconfirmationofthisviewofyourJudaismfromyour
attitudeinrecentyears,whenitseemedtoyouthatIwastakingmoreinterestinJewishmatters.
Asyouhaveinadvanceanaversiontoeveryoneofmyactivitiesandespeciallytothenatureof
myinterest,soyouhavehaditheretoo.Butinspiteofthis,onecouldhaveexpectedthatinthis
caseyouwouldmakealittleexception.Itwas,afterall,JudaismofyourJudaismthatwas
comingtolifehere,andwithitalsothepossibilityofenteringintoanewrelationshipbetween
us.Idonotdenythat,hadyoushowninterestinthem,thesethingsmight,forthatveryreason,
havebecomesuspectinmyeyes.IdonotevendreamofassertingthatIaminthisrespectany
betterthanyouare.Butitnevercametothetest.ThroughmyinterventionJudaismbecame
abhorrenttoyou,Jewishwritingsunreadablethey"nauseated"you.Thismayhavemeantyou
insistedthatonlythatJudaismwhichyouhadshownmeinmychildhoodwastherightone,and
beyondittherewasnothing.Yetthatyoushouldinsistonitwasreallyhardlythinkable.Butthen
the"nausea"(apartfromthefactthatitwasdirectedprimarilynotagainstJudaismbutagainst
mepersonally)couldonlymeanthatunconsciouslyyoudidacknowledgetheweaknessofyour

25

JudaismandofmyJewishupbringing,didnotwishtoberemindedofitinanyway,andreacted
toanyreminderwithfrankhatred.Incidentally,yournegativehighesteemofmynewJudaism
wasmuchexaggeratedfirstofall,itboreyourcursewithinit,andsecondlyinitsdevelopment
thefundamentalrelationshiptoone'sfellowmenwasdecisive,inmycasethatistosayfatal.
Youstruckclosertohomewithyouraversiontomywritingandtoeverythingthat,unknownto
you,wasconnectedwithit.HereIhad,infact,gotsomedistanceawayfromyoubymyown
efforts,evenifitwasslightlyreminiscentofthewormthat,whenafoottreadsonitstailend,
breaksloosewithitsfrontpartanddragsitselfaside.ToacertainextentIwasinsafetythere
wasachancetobreathefreely.Theaversionyounaturallyandimmediatelytooktomywriting
was,foronce,welcometome.Myvanity,myambitiondidsufferunderyoursoonproverbial
wayofhailingthearrivalofmybooks:"Putitonmybedsidetable!"(usuallyyouwereplaying
cardswhenabookcame),butIwasreallyquitegladofit,notonlyoutofrebelliousmalice,not
onlyoutofdelightatanewconfirmationofmyviewofourrelationship,butquite
spontaneously,becausetomethatformulasoundedsomethinglike:"Nowyouarefree!"Of
courseitwasadelusionIwasnot,or,toputitmostoptimistically,wasnotyet,free.Mywriting
wasallaboutyouallIdidthere,afterall,wastobemoanwhatIcouldnotbemoanuponyour
breast.Itwasanintentionallylonganddrawnoutleavetakingfromyou,yet,althoughitwas
enforcedbyyou,itdidtakeitscourseinthedirectiondeterminedbyme.Buthowlittleallthis
amountedto!Itisonlyworthtalkingaboutbecauseithappenedinmylife,otherwiseitwould
notevenbenotedandalsobecauseinmychildhooditruledmylifeasapremonition,laterasa
hope,andstilllateroftenasdespair,anditdictatedyetagaininyourshape,itmaybesaidmy
fewsmalldecisions.
Forinstance,thechoiceofacareer.True,hereyougavemecompletefreedom,inyour
magnanimousand,inthisregard,evenindulgentmanner.Althoughhereagainyouwere
conformingtothegeneralmethodoftreatingsonsintheJewishmiddleclass,whichwasthe
standardforyou,oratleasttothevaluesofthatclass.Finally,oneofyourmisunderstandings
concerningmypersonplayedapartinthistoo.Infact,outofpaternalpride,ignoranceofmy
reallife,andconclusionsdrawnfrommyfeebleness,youhavealwaysregardedmeas
particularlydiligent.AsachildIwas,inyourview,alwaysstudying,andlateralwayswriting.
Thisdoesnotevenremotelycorrespondtothefacts.Itwouldbemorecorrect,andmuchless
exaggerated,tosaythatIstudiedlittleandlearnednothingthatsomethingdidstickinmymind
afterthosemanyyearsis,afterall,notveryremarkable,sinceIdidhaveamoderatelygood
memoryandanottooinferiorcapacityforlearningbutthesumtotalofknowledgeand
especiallyofasolidgroundingofknowledgeisextremelypitiableincomparisonwiththe
expenditureoftimeandmoneyinthecourseofanoutwardlyuntroubled,calmlife,particularly
alsoincomparisonwithalmostallthepeopleIknow.Itispitiable,buttomeunderstandable.
EversinceIcouldthink,Ihavehadsuchprofoundanxietiesaboutassertingmyspiritualand
intellectualexistencethatIwasindifferenttoeverythingelse.Jewishschoolboysinourcountry
oftentendtobeoddamongthemonefindsthemostunlikelythingsbutsomethinglikemycold
indifference,scarcelydisguised,indestructible,childishlyhelpless,approachingtheridiculous,
andbrutishlycomplacent,theindifferenceofaselfsufficientbutcoldlyimaginativechild,Ihave
neverfoundanywhereelsetobesure,itwasthesoledefenseagainstdestructionofthenerves
byfearandbyasenseofguilt.Allthatoccupiedmymindwasworryaboutmyself,andthisin

25

variousways.Therewas,forinstance,theworryaboutmyhealthitbeganimperceptibly
enough,withnowandthenalittleanxietyaboutdigestion,hairfallingout,aspinalcurvature,
andsoonintensifyingininnumerablegradations,itfinallyendedwitharealillness.Butsince
therewasnothingatallIwascertainof,sinceIneededtobeprovidedateveryinstantwitha
newconfirmationofmyexistence,sincenothingwasinmyveryown,undoubted,sole
possession,determinedunequivocallyonlybymeinsobertruthadisinheritedsonnaturallyI
becameunsureeventothethingnearesttome,myownbody.Ishotup,tallandlanky,without
knowingwhattodowithmylankiness,theburdenwastooheavy,thebackbecamebentI
scarcelydaredtomove,certainlynottoexercise,IremainedweaklyIwasamazedby
everythingIcouldstillcommandasbyamiracle,forinstance,mygooddigestionthatsufficed
toloseit,andnowthewaywasopentoeverysortofhypochondriauntilfinallyunderthestrain
ofthesuperhumaneffortofwantingtomarry(ofthisIshallspeaklater),bloodcamefromthe
lung,somethinginwhichtheapartmentintheSchnbornpalaiswhich,however,Ineededonly
becauseIbelievedIneededitformywriting,sothateventhisbelongshereunderthesame
headingmayhavehadafairshare.Soallthisdidnotcomefromexcessivework,asyou
alwaysimagine.Therewereyearsinwhich,inperfectlygoodhealth,Ilazedawaymoretimeon
thesofathanyouinallyourlife,includingallyourillnesses.WhenIrushedawayfromyou,
frightfullybusy,itwasgenerallyinordertoliedowninmyroom.Mytotalachievementinwork
done,bothattheoffice(wherelazinessis,ofcourse,notparticularlystriking,andbesides,mine
waskeptinboundsbymyanxiety)andathome,isminuteifyouhadanyrealideaofit,you
wouldbeaghast.ProbablyIamconstitutionallynotlazyatall,buttherewasnothingformeto
do.IntheplacewhereIlivedIwasspurned,condemned,foughttoastandstillandtoescapeto
someotherplacewasanenormousexertion,butthatwasnotwork,foritwassomething
impossible,somethingthatwas,withsmallexceptions,unattainableforme.
ThiswasthestateinwhichIwasgiventhefreedomofchoiceofacareer.ButwasIstillcapable
ofmakinganyuseofsuchfreedom?HadIstillanyconfidenceinmyowncapacitytoachievea
realcareer?Myvaluationofmyselfwasmuchmoredependentonyouthanonanythingelse,
suchassomeexternalsuccess.Thatwasstrengtheningforamoment,nothingmore,butonthe
othersideyourweightalwaysdraggedmedownmuchmorestrongly.NevershallIpassthefirst
gradeingrammarschool,Ithought,butIsucceeded,IevengotaprizebutIshallcertainlynot
passtheentranceexamfortheGymnasium,butIsucceededbutnowIshallcertainlyfailinthe
firstyearattheGymnasiumno,Ididnotfail,andIwentonandonsucceeding.Thisdidnot
produceanyconfidence,howeveronthecontrary,IwasalwaysconvincedandIhadpositive
proofofitinyourforbiddingexpressionthatthemoreIachieved,theworsethefinaloutcome
wouldinevitablybe.Ofteninmymind'seyeIsawtheterribleassemblyoftheteachers(the
Gymnasiumisonlythemostobviousexample,butitwasthesameallaroundme),astheywould
meet,whenIhadpassedthefirstclass,andtheninthesecondclass,whenIhadpassedthat,and
theninthethird,andsoon,meetinginordertoexaminethisunique,outrageouscase,todiscover
howI,themostincapable,oratleastthemostignorantofall,hadsucceededincreepingupso
farasthisclass,whichnow,wheneverybody'sattentionhadatlastbeenfocusedonme,would
ofcourseinstantlyspewmeout,tothejubilationofalltherighteousliberatedfromthis
nightmare.Tolivewithsuchfantasiesisnoteasyforachild.Inthesecircumstances,whatcould
Icareaboutmylessons?Whowasabletostrikeasparkofrealinterestinme?Lessons,andnot
onlylessonsbuteverythingaroundme,interestedmeasmuch,atthatdecisiveage,asan

25

embezzlingbankclerk,stillholdinghisjobandtremblingatthethoughtofdiscovery,is
interestedinthepettyongoingbusinessofthebank,whichhestillhastodealwithasaclerk.
Thatwashowsmallandfarawayeverythingwasincomparisontothemainthing.Soitwenton
uptothequalifyingexamswhichIreallypassedpartlyonlythroughcheating,andthen
everythingcametoastandstill,fornowIwasfree.IfIhadbeenconcernedonlywithmyselfup
tonow,despitethedisciplineoftheGymnasium,howmuchmoresonowthatIwasfree.So
therewasactuallynosuchthingformeasfreedomtochoosemycareer,forIknew:comparedto
themainthingeverythingwouldbeexactlyasmuchamatterofindifferencetomeasallthe
subjectstaughtatschool,andsoitwasamatteroffindingaprofessionthatwouldletmeindulge
thisindifferencewithoutinjuringmyvanitytoomuch.Lawwastheobviouschoice.Little
contraryattemptsonthepartofvanity,ofsenselesshope,suchasafortnight'sstudyof
chemistry,orsixmonths'Germanstudies,onlyreinforcedthatfundamentalconviction.SoI
studiedlaw.Thismeantthatinthefewmonthsbeforetheexams,andinawaythattoldseverely
onmynerves,Iwaspositivelylivinginanintellectualsense,onsawdust,whichhadmoreover
alreadybeenchewedformeinthousandsofotherpeople'smouths.Butinacertainsensethis
wasexactlytomytaste,asinacertainsensetheGymnasiumhadbeenearlier,andlatermyjob
asaclerk,foritallsuitedmysituation.Atanyrate,Ididshowastonishingforesightevenasa
smallchildIhadhadfairlyclearpremonitionsaboutmystudiesandmycareer.FromthissideI
didnotexpectrescuehereIhadgivenuplongago.
ButIshowednoforesightatallconcerningthesignificanceandpossibilityofamarriageforme
thisuptonowgreatestterrorofmylifehascomeuponmealmostcompletelyunexpectedly.The
childhaddevelopedsoslowly,thesethingswereoutwardlyalltooremotenowandthenthe
necessityofthinkingofthemdidarisebutthefactthathereapermanent,decisiveandindeed
themostgrimlybitterordealloomedwasimpossibletorecognize.Inreality,however,the
marriageplansturnedouttobethemostgrandioseandhopefulattemptsatescape,and,
consequentlytheirfailurewascorrespondinglygrandiose.
IamafraidthatbecauseinthissphereeverythingItryisafailure,Ishallalsofailtomakethese
attemptstomarrycomprehensibletoyou.Andyetthesuccessofthiswholeletterdependsonit,
forintheseattemptstherewas,ontheonehand,concentratedeverythingIhadatmydisposalin
thewayofpositiveforces,and,ontheotherhand,therealsoaccumulated,andwithdownright
fury,allthenegativeforcesthatIhavedescribedasbeingtheresultinpartofyourmethodof
upbringing,thatistosay,theweakness,thelackofselfconfidence,thesenseofguilt,andthey
positivelydrewacordonbetweenmyselfandmarriage.Theexplanationwillbehardformealso
becauseIhavespentsomanydaysandnightsthinkingandburrowingthroughthewholething
overandoveragainthatnowevenImyselfambewilderedbythemeresightofit.Theonlything
thatmakestheexplanationeasierformeisyourinmyopinioncompletemisunderstandingof
themattertocorrectslightlysocompleteamisunderstandingdoesnotseemexcessively
difficult.
FirstofallyourankthefailureofthemarriageswiththerestofmyfailuresIshouldhave
nothingagainstthisprovidedyouacceptedmypreviousexplanationofmyfailureasawhole.It
does,infact,formpartofthesameseries,onlyyouunderratetheimportanceofthematter,
underratingittosuchanextentthatwheneverwetalkofitweareactuallytalkingaboutquite
differentthings.Iventuretosaythatnothinghashappenedtoyouinyourwholelifethathad

25

suchimportanceforyouastheattemptsatmarriagehavehadforme.BythisIdonotmeanthat
youhavenotexperiencedanythinginitselfasimportantonthecontrary,yourlifewasmuch
richerandmorecareladenandmoreconcentratedthanmine,butforthatveryreasonnothingof
thissorthashappenedtoyou.Itisasifonepersonhadtoclimbfivelowstepsandanother
persononlyonestep,butonethatis,atleastforhim,ashighasalltheotherfiveputtogetherthe
firstpersonwillnotonlymanagethefive,buthundredsandthousandsmoreaswell,hewillhave
ledagreatandverystrenuouslife,butnoneofthestepshehasclimbedwillhavebeenofsuch
importancetohimasforthesecondpersonthatone,firstlyhighstep,thatstepwhichitis
impossibleforhimtoclimbevenbyexertingallhisstrength,thatstepwhichhecannotgetupon
andwhichhenaturallycannotgetpasteither.
Marrying,foundingafamily,acceptingallthechildrenthatcome,supportingtheminthis
insecureworldandperhapsevenguidingthemalittle,is,Iamconvinced,theutmostahuman
beingcansucceedindoingatall.Thatsomanyseemtosucceedinthisisnoevidencetothe
contraryfirstofall,therearenotmanywhodosucceed,andsecond,thesenotmanyusually
don't"do"it,itmerely"happens"tothemalthoughthisisnotthatutmost,itisstillverygreat
andveryhonorable(particularlysince"doing"and"happening"cannotbekeptclearlydistinct).
Andfinally,itisnotamatterofthisutmostatall,anyway,butonlyofsomedistantbutdecent
approximationitis,afterall,notnecessarytoflyrightintothemiddleofthesun,butitis
necessarytocrawltoacleanlittlespotonEarthwherethesunsometimesshinesandonecan
warmoneselfalittle.
HowwasIpreparedforthis?Asbadlyaspossible.Thisisapparentfromwhathasbeensaidup
tonow.Insofarasanydirectpreparationoftheindividualandanydirectcreationofthegeneral
basicconditionsexist,youdidnotintervenemuchoutwardly.Anditcouldnotbeotherwise
whatisdecisiveherearethegeneralsexualcustomsofclass,nation,andtime.Yetyoudid
interveneheretoonotmuch,forsuchinterventionmustpresupposegreatmutualtrust,and
bothofushadbeenlackinginthisevenlongbeforethedecisivetimecameandnotvery
happily,becauseourneedswerequitedifferentwhatgripsmeneedhardlytouchyouatall,and
viceversawhatisinnocenceinyoumaybeguiltinme,andviceversawhathasno
consequencesforyoumaybethelastnailinmycoffin.
IremembergoingforawalkoneeveningwithyouandMotheritwasonJosephsplatznear
wheretheLanderbankistodayandIbegantalkingabouttheseinterestingthings,inastupidly
boastful,superior,proud,detached(thatwasspurious),cold(thatwasgenuine),andstammering
manner,asindeedIusuallytalkedtoyou,reproachingtheTwoofyouwithhavingleftme
uninstructedwiththefactthatmyschoolmatesfirsthadtotakemeinhand,thatIhadbeenclose
togreatdangers(hereIwasbrazenlylying,aswasmyway,inordertoshowmyselfbrave,foras
aconsequenceofmytimidityIhad,exceptfortheusualsexualmisdemeanorsofcitychildren,
noveryexactnotionofthese"greatdangers")butfinallyIhintedthatnow,fortunately,Iknew
everything,nolongerneededanyadvice,andthateverythingwasallright.Ihadbeguntalking
aboutallthismainlybecauseitgavemepleasureatleasttotalkaboutit,andalsooutof
curiosity,andfinallytoavengemyselfsomehowontheTwoofyouforsomethingorother.In
keepingwithyournatureyoutookitquitesimply,onlysayingsomethingtotheeffectthatyou
couldgivemeadviceabouthowIcouldgoinforthesethingswithoutdanger.PerhapsIdidwant
tolurejustsuchanansweroutofyouitwasinkeepingwiththeprurienceofachildoverfed

25

withmeatandallgoodthings,physicallyinactive,everlastinglyoccupiedwithhimselfbutstill,
myoutwardsenseofshamewassohurtbythisorIbelieveditoughttobesohurtthat
againstmywillIcouldnotgoontalkingtoyouaboutitand,witharrogantimpudence,cutthe
conversationshort.
Itisnoteasytojudgetheansweryougavemethenontheonehand,ithadsomething
staggeringlyfrank,sortofprimeval,aboutitontheotherhand,asfarasthelessonitselfis
concerned,itwasuninhibitedinaverymodernway.Idon'tknowhowoldIwasatthetime,
certainlynotmuchoversixteen.Itwas,nevertheless,averyremarkableanswerforsuchaboy,
andthedistancebetweentheTwoofusisalsoshowninthefactthatitwasactuallythefirst
directinstructionbearingonreallifeIeverreceivedfromyou.Itsrealmeaning,however,which
sankintomymindeventhen,butwhichcamepartlytothesurfaceofmyconsciousnessonly
muchlater,wasthis:whatyouadvisedmetodowasinyouropinionandevenmoreinmy
opinionatthattime,thefilthiestthingpossible.ThatyouwantedtoseetoitthatIshouldnot
bringanyofthephysicalfilthhomewithmewasunimportant,foryouwereonlyprotecting
yourself,yourhouse.Theimportantthingwasratherthatyouyourselfremainedoutsideyour
ownadvice,amarriedman,apureman,abovesuchthingsthiswasprobablyintensifiedforme
atthetimebythefactthatevenmarriageseemedtomeshamelessandhenceitwasimpossible
formetoapplytomyparentsthegeneralinformationIhadpickedupaboutmarriage.Thusyou
becamestillpurer,rosestillhigher.Thethoughtthatyoumighthavegivenyourselfsimilar
advicebeforeyourmarriagewastomeutterlyunthinkable.Sotherewashardlyanysmudgeof
earthlyfilthonyouatall.AnditwasyouwhopushedmedownintothisfilthjustasthoughI
werepredestinedtoitwithafewfrankwords.Andso,iftheworldconsistedonlyofmeandyou
(anotionIwasmuchinclinedtohave),thenthispurityoftheworldcametoanendwithyou
and,byvirtueofyouradvice,thcfilthbeganwithme.Initselfitwas,ofcourse,
incomprehensiblethatyoushouldthuscondemnmeonlyoldguilt,andprofoundestcontempton
yourside,couldexplainittome.AndsoagainIwasseizedinmyinnermostbeingandvery
hardindeed.
Hereperhapsbothourguiltlessnessbecomesmostevident.AgivesBapieceofadvicethatis
frank,inkeepingwithhisattitudetolife,notverylovelybutstill,eventodayperfectlyusualin
thecity,apieceofadvicethatmightpreventdamagetohealth.ThispieceofadviceisforB
morallynotveryinvigoratingbutwhyshouldhenotbeabletoworkhiswayoutofit,and
repairthedamageinthecourseoftheyears?Besides,hedoesnotevenhavetotaketheadvice
andthereisnoreasonwhytheadviceitselfshouldcauseB'swholefutureworldtocome
tumblingdown.Andyetsomethingofthiskinddoeshappen,butonlyfortheveryreasonthatA
isyouandBismyself.ThisguiltlessnessonbothsidesIcanjudgeespeciallywellbecausea
similarclashbetweenusoccurredsometwentyyearslater,inquitedifferent
circumstanceshorribleinitselfbutmuchlessdamagingforwhatwasthereinme,the
thirtysixyearold,thatcouldstillbedamaged?Iamreferringtoabriefdiscussionononeof
thosefewtumultuousdaysthatfollowedtheannouncementofmylatestmarriageplans.You
saidtomesomethinglikethis:"Sheprobablyputonafancyblouse,somethingthesePrague
Jewessesaregoodat,andrightaway,ofcourse,youdecidedtomarryher.Andthatasfastas
possible,inaweek,tomorrow,today.Icantunderstandyou:afterall,you'reagrownman,you
liveinthecity,andyoudon'tknowwhattodobutmarrythefirstgirlwhocomesalong.Isn't

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thereanythingelseyoucando?Ifyou'refrightened,I'llgowithyou."Youputitinmoredetail
andmoreplainly,butIcannolongerrecallthedetails,perhapstoothingsbecamealittlevague
beforemyeyes,IpaidalmostmoreattentiontoMotherwho,thoughincompleteagreementwith
you,tooksomethingfromthetableandlefttheroomwithit.
Youhavehardlyeverhumiliatedmemoredeeplywithwordsandshownmeyourcontemptmore
clearly.Whenyouspoketomeinasimilarwaytwentyyearsearlier,onemight,lookingatit
throughyoureyes,haveseeninitsomerespectfortheprecociouscityboy,whoinyouropinion
couldalreadybeinitiatedintolifewithoutmoreado.Todaythisconsiderationcouldonly
intensifythecontempt,fortheboywhowasabouttomakehisfirststartgotstuckhalfwayand
todaydoesnotseemricherbyanyexperience,onlymorepitiablebytwentyyears.Mychoiceof
agirlmeantnothingatalltoyou.Youhad(unconsciously)alwayssuppressedmypowerof
decisionandnowbelieved(unconsciously)thatyouknewwhatitwasworth.Ofmyattemptsat
escapeinotherdirectionsyouknewnothing,thusyoucouldnotknowanythingeitherofthe
thoughtprocessesthathadledmetothisattempttomarry,andhadtotrytoguessatthem,andin
keepingwithyourgeneralopinionofme,youinterpretedtheminthemostabominable,crude,
andridiculouslight.Andyoudidnotforamomenthesitatetotellmethisinjustsuchamanner.
TheshameyouinflictedonmewiththiswasnothingtoyouincomparisontotheshamethatI
would,inyouropinion,inflictonyournamebythismarriage.

Now,regardingmyattemptsatmarriagethereismuchyoucansayinreply,andyouhaveindeed
doneso:youcouldnothavemuchrespectformydecisionsinceIhadtwicebrokenthe
engagementwithF.andhadtwicerenewedit,sinceIhadneedlesslydraggedyouandMotherto
Berlintocelebratetheengagement,andthelike.Allthisistruebuthowdiditcomeabout?
Thefundamentalthoughtbehindbothattemptsatmarriagewasquitesound:tosetuphouse,to
becomeindependent.
Anideathatdoesappealtoyou,onlyinrealityitalwaysturnsoutlikethechildren'sgamein
whichoneholdsandevengripstheother'shand,callingout:"Oh,goaway,goaway,whydon't
yougoaway?"Whichinourcasehappenstobecomplicatedbythefactthatyouhavealways
honestlymeantthis"goaway!"andhavealwaysunknowinglyheldme,orratherheldmedown,
onlybythestrengthofyourpersonality.

Althoughbothgirlswerechosenbychance,theywereextraordinarilywellchosen.Againasign
ofyourcompletemisunderstanding,thatyoucanbelievethatItimid,hesitant,suspiciouscan
decidetomarryinaflash,outofdelightoverablouse.Bothmarriageswouldratherhavebeen
commonsensemarriages,insofarasthatmeansthatdayandnightthefirsttimeforyears,the
secondtimeformonthsallmypowerofthoughtwasconcentratedontheplan.Neitherofthe
girlsdisappointedme,onlyIdisappointedbothofthem.Myopinionofthemistodayexactlythe
sameaswhenIwantedtomarrythem.

ItisnottrueeitherthatinmysecondmarriageattemptIdisregardedtheexperiencegainedfrom
thefirstattempt,thatIwasrashandcareless.Thecaseswerequitedifferentpreciselytheearlier
experienceheldoutahopeforthesecondcase,whichwasaltogethermuchmorepromising.Ido
notwanttogointodetailshere.

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WhythendidInotmarry?Therewerecertainlyobstacles,astherealwaysare,butthen,life
consistsinconfrontingsuchobstacles.Theessentialobstacle,however,whichis,unfortunately,
independentoftheindividualcase,isthatobviouslyIammentallyincapableofmarrying.This
manifestsitselfinthefactthatfromthemomentImakeupmymindtomarryIcannolonger
sleep,myheadburnsdayandnight,lifecannolongerbecalledlife,Istaggeraboutindespair.It
isnotactuallyworriesthatbringthisabouttrue,inkeepingwithmysluggishnessandpedantry
countlessworriesareinvolvedinallthis,buttheyarenotdecisivetheydo,likeworms,
completetheworkonthecorpse,butthedecisiveblowhascomefromelsewhere.Itisthe
generalpressureofanxiety,ofweakness,ofselfcontempt.
Iwilltrytoexplainitinmoredetail.Here,intheattempttomarry,Twoseeminglyantagonistic
elementsinmyrelationswithyouunitemoreintenselythananywhereelse.Marriagecertainlyis
thepledgeofthemostacuteformofselfliberationandindependence.Iwouldhaveafamily,in
myopinionthehighestonecanachieve,andsotoothehighestyouhaveachievedIwouldbe
yourequalalloldandevennewshameandtyrannywouldbemerehistory.Itwouldbelikea
fairytale,butpreciselythereliesthequestionableelement.Itistoomuchsomuchcannotbe
achieved.Itisasifapersonwereaprisoner,andhehadnotonlytheintentiontoescape,which
wouldperhapsbeattainable,butalso,andindeedsimultaneously,theintentiontorebuildthe
prisonasapleasuredomeforhimself.Butifheescapes,hecannotrebuild,andifherebuilds,he
cannotescape.IfI,intheparticularunhappyrelationshipinwhichIstandtoyou,wantto
becomeindependent,Imustdosomethingthatwillhave,ifpossible,noconnectionwithyouat
allthoughmarryingisthegreatestthingofallandprovidesthemosthonorableindependence,it
alsostandsatthesametimeintheclosestrelationtoyou.Totrytogetoutofthisquandaryhas
thereforeatouchofmadnessaboutit,andeveryattemptispunishedbybeingdrivenalmostmad.
Itispreciselythiscloserelationthatpartlyluresmetowardmarrying.Ipicturetheequality
whichwouldthenarisebetweenusandwhichyouwouldbeabletounderstandbetterthanany
otherformofequalityassobeautifulbecausethenIcouldbeafree,grateful,guiltless,upright
son,andyoucouldbeanuntroubleduntyrannical,sympathetic,contentedfather.Buttothisend
everythingthateverhappenedwouldhavetobeundone,thatis,weourselvesshouldhavetobe
canceledout.
Butwebeingwhatweare,marryingisbarredtomebecauseitisyourveryowndomain.
SometimesIimaginethemapoftheworldspreadoutandyoustretcheddiagonallyacrossit.
AndIfeelasifIcouldconsiderlivinginonlythoseregionsthateitherarenotcoveredbyyouor
arenotwithinyourreach.And,inkeepingwiththeconceptionIhaveofyourmagnitude,these
arenotmanyandnotverycomfortingregionsandmarriageisnotamongthem.
ThisverycomparisonprovesthatIcertainlydonotmeantosaythatyoudrovemeawayfrom
marriagebyyourexample,asyouhaddrivenmeawayfromyourbusiness.Quitethecontrary,
despitetheremotesimilarity.InyourmarriageIhadbeforemewhatwas,inmanyways,amodel
marriage,amodelinconstancy,mutualhelp,numberofchildrenandevenwhenthechildren
grewupandincreasinglydisturbedthepeace,themarriageassuchremainedundisturbed.
PerhapsIformedmyhighideaofmarriageonthismodelthedesireformarriagewaspowerless
forotherreasons.Thoselayinyourrelationtoyourchildren,whichis,afterall,whatthiswhole

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letterisabout.
Thereisaviewaccordingtowhichfearofmarriagesometimeshasitssourceinafearthatone's
childrenwouldsomedaypayonebackforthesinsonehascommittedagainstone'sownparents.
This,Ibelieve,hasnoverygreatsignificanceinmycase,formysenseofguiltactually
originatesinyou,andisfilledwithsuchconvictionofitsuniquenessindeed,thisfeelingof
uniquenessisanessentialpartofitstormentingnaturethatanyrepetitionisunthinkable.All
thesame,ImustsaythatIwouldfindsuchamute,glum,dry,doomedsonunbearableIdaresay
that,iftherewerenootherpossibility,Iwouldfleefromhim,emigrate,asyouhadplannedtodo
ifIhadmarried.Andthismayalsohavehadsomeinfluenceonmyincapacitytomarry.
Whatismuchmoreimportantinallthis,however,istheanxietyaboutmyself.Thishastobe
understoodasfollows:Ihavealreadyindicatedthatinmywriting,andineverythingconnected
withit,Ihavemadesomeattemptsatindependence,attemptsatescape,withtheverysmallestof
successtheywillscarcelyleadanyfarthermuchconfirmsthisforme.Neverthelessitismy
dutyor,rather,theessenceofmylife,towatchoverthem,toletnodangerthatIcanavert,
indeednopossibilityofsuchadanger,approachthem.Marriagebearsthepossibilityofsucha
danger,thoughalsothepossibilityofthegreatesthelpforme,however,itisenoughthatthereis
thepossibilityofadanger.WhatshouldIdoifitdidturnouttobeadanger!HowcouldI
continuelivinginmatrimonywiththeperhapsunprovable,butneverthelessirrefutablefeeling
thatthisdangerexisted?FacedwiththisImaywaver,butthefinaloutcomeiscertain:Imust
renounce.ThesimileofthebirdinthehandandtheTwointhebushhasonlyafieryremote
applicationhere.InmyhandIhavenothing,inthebushiseverything,andyetsoitisdecided
bytheconditionsofbattleandtheexigencyoflifeImustchoosethenothing.Ihadtomakea
similarchoicewhenIchosemyprofession.
Themostimportantobstacletomarriage,however,isthenolongereradicableconvictionthat
whatisessentialtothesupportofafamilyandespeciallytoitsguidance,iswhatIhave
recognizedinyouandindeedeverythingrolledintoone,goodandbad,asitisorganically
combinedinyoustrength,andscornofothers,health,andacertainimmoderation,eloquence
andinadequacy,selfconfidenceanddissatisfactionwitheveryoneelse,aworldlywisdomand
tyranny,knowledgeofhumannatureandmistrustofmostpeoplethenalsogoodqualities
withoutanydrawback,suchasindustry,endurance,presenceofmind,andfearlessness.By
comparisonIhadalmostnothingorverylittleofallthisandwasitonthisbasisthatIwantedto
riskmarrying,whenIcouldseeformyselfthatevenyouhadtofighthardinmarriageand,
wherethechildrenwereconcerned,hadevenfailed?Ofcourse,Ididnotputthisquestionto
myselfinsomanywordsandIdidnotansweritinsomanywordsotherwiseeverydaythinking
wouldhavetakenoverandshownmeothermenwhoaredifferentfromyou(tonameone,near
athand,whoisverydifferentfromyou:UncleRichard)andyethavemarriedandhaveatleast
notcollapsedunderthestrain,whichisinitselfagreatdealandwouldhavebeenquiteenough
forme.ButIdidnotaskthisquestion,Iliveditfromchildhoodon.Itestedmyselfnotonly
whenfacedwithmarriage,butinthefaceofeverytrifleinthefaceofeverytrifleyoubyyour
exampleandyourmethodofupbringingconvincedme,asIhavetriedtodescribe,ofmy
incapacityandwhatturnedouttobetrueofeverytrifleandprovedyouright,hadtobefearfully
trueofthegreatestthingofall:ofmarriage.UptothetimeofmymarriageattemptsIgrewup
moreorlesslikeabusinessmanwholivesfromdaytoday,withworriesandforebodings,but

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withoutkeepingproperaccounts.Hemakesafewsmallprofitswhichheconstantlypampers
andexaggeratesinhisimaginationbecauseoftheirraritybutotherwisehehasdailylosses.
Everythingisentered,butneverbalanced.Nowcomesthenecessityofdrawingabalance,that
is,theattemptatmarriage.Andwiththelargesumsthathavetobetakenintoaccounthereitis
asthoughtherehadneverbeeneventhesmallestprofit,everythingonesinglegreatliability.And
nowmarrywithoutgoingmad!
Thatiswhatmylifewithyouhasbeenlikeuptonow,andthesearetheprospectsinherentinit
forthefuture.
IfyoulookatthereasonsIofferforthefearIhaveofyou,youmightanswer:"YoumaintainI
makethingseasyformyselfbyexplainingmyrelationtoyousimplyasbeingyourfault,butI
believethatdespiteyouroutwardeffort,youdonotmakethingsmoredifficultforyourself,but
muchmoreprofitable.Atfirstyoutoorepudiateallguiltandresponsibilityinthisourmethods
arethesame.ButwhereasIthenattributethesoleguilttoyouasfranklyasImeanit,youwant
tobe'overlyclever'and'overlyaffectionate'atthesametimeandacquitmealsoofallguilt.Of
course,inthelatteryouonlyseemtosucceed(andmoreyoudonotevenwant),andwhat
appearsbetweenthelines,inspiteofallthe'turnsofphrase'aboutcharacterandnatureand
antagonismandhelplessness,isthatactuallyIhavebeentheaggressor,whileeverythingyou
wereuptowasselfdefense.Bynowyouwouldhaveachievedenoughbyyourveryinsincerity,
foryouhaveprovedthreethings:first,thatyouarenotguiltysecond,thatIamtheguiltyone
andthird,thatoutofsheermagnanimityyouarereadynotonlytoforgivemebut(whatisboth
moreandless)alsotoproveandbewillingtobelieveyourselfthatcontrarytothetruthIalso
amnotguilty.Thatoughttobeenoughforyounow,butitisstillnotenough.Youhaveputit
intoyourheadtoliveentirelyoffme.Iadmitthatwefightwitheachother,butthereareTwo
kindsofcombat.Thechivalrouscombat,inwhichindependentopponentspittheirstrength
againsteachother,eachonhisown,eachlosingonhisown,eachwinningonhisown.Andthere
isthecombatofvermin,whichnotonlystingbut,ontopofit,suckyourbloodinorderto
sustaintheirownlife.That'swhattherealprofessionalsoldieris,andthat'swhatyouare.You
areunfitforlifetomakelifecomfortableforyourself,withoutworriesandwithout
selfreproaches,youprovethatIhavetakenyourfitnessforlifeawayfromyouandputitinmy
ownpocket.Whyshoulditbotheryouthatyouareunfitforlife,sinceIhavetheresponsibility
forit,whileyoucalmlystretchoutandletyourselfbehauledthroughlife,physicallyand
mentally,byme.Forexample:whenyourecentlywantedtomarry,youwantedandthisyou
do,afterall,admitinthisletteratthesametimenottomarry,butinordernottohavetoexert
yourselfyouwantedmetohelpyouwiththisnotmarrying,byforbiddingthismarriagebecause
ofthe'disgrace'thisunionwouldbringuponmyname.Ididnotdreamofit.First,inthisasin
everythingelseIneverwantedtobe'anobstacletoyourhappiness,'andsecond,Ineverwantto
havetohearsuchareproachfrommychild.ButdidtheselfrestraintwithwhichIleftthe
marriageuptoyoudomeanygood?Notintheleast.Myaversiontoyourmarriagewouldnot
havepreventeditonthecontrary,itwouldhavebeenanaddedincentiveforyoutomarrythe
girl,foritwouldhavemadethe'attemptatescape,'asyouputit,complete.Andmyconsentto
yourmarriagedidnotpreventyourreproaches,foryouprovethatIaminanycasetoblamefor
yournotmarrying.Basically,however,inthisasineverythingelseyouhaveonlyprovedtome
thatallmyreproacheswerejustified,andthatoneespeciallyjustifiedchargewasstillmissing:

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namely,thechargeofinsincerity,obsequiousnessandparasitism.IfIamnotverymuch
mistaken,youarepreyingonmeevenwiththisletteritself."
Myanswertothisisthat,afterall,thiswholerejoinderwhichcanpartlyalsobeturnedagainst
youdoesnotcomefromyou,butfromme.Notevenyourmistrustofothersisasgreatasmy
selfmistrust,whichyouhavebredinme.Idonotdenyacertainjustificationforthisrejoinder,
whichinitselfcontributesnewmaterialtothecharacterizationofourrelationship.Naturally
thingscannotinrealityfittogetherthewaytheevidencedoesinmyletterlifeismorethana
Chinesepuzzle.ButwiththecorrectionmadebythisrejoinderacorrectionIneithercannor
willelaborateindetailinmyopinionsomethinghasbeenachievedwhichsoclosely
approximatesthetruththatitmightreassureusbothalittleandmakeourlivingandourdying
easier.

TranslatedbyErnstKaiserandEithneWilkinsrevisedbyArthurS.Wensinger
CopyrightSchockenBooksInc

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