Kramer Lines

1. KRAMERS FIRST EVER LINE

Morty: "Good evening, Mr. Kramer."
Kramer: "Hey, Morty." (to Jerry) "Salad dressing?"
2. "Quo. Thats not a word."
3. (helping Mrs. Seinfeld with Scrabble) "Quone--to quone something."
4. "We need a medical dictionary. A patient gets difficult, you quone him."
5. "Giddyup"
6. "Im useless Jerry!"
7. "Yo-yo-ma!"
8. "Wrong, Mujumbo"
9. "Im like ice baby.... when I dont like you, youve got trouble!"
10. "Youre on cowboy!" (This was on the episode when Kramer was betting on flights at the airport.)
11. "Hey Buddy"
12. "Youre Sick"
13. "But what am I gonna do for fruit?!"
14. "Look away, Im hideous!"
15. "Kramer (Referring to the activities of his video bootlegging friend): "Its a legitimate business."
Jerry: "Its not legitimate!"
Kramer: "Its a business."
16. "Ya, ya."
17. "Mamacita"
18. "Sweet justice!"
19. "Whats up, diggidy dog?"
20. "These pretzels are making me thirsty"
21. "Im a man among boys"
22. "My boys cant swim!"
23. Jerry: "Cockfighting? Thats illegal!"
Kramer: "Only in America."
24. "Yippie Yi Yeah"
25. "Right now there are six hundred Titleists that I got at the driving range in the trunk of my car. Why dont we drive
out to Rockaway and hit them [very over excited] into the ocean?! Now picture this: We find a nice sweet spot
between the dunes, we take out our drivers, we tee up and [makes a golf stroke], that ball goes sailing up into the sky
holds there for a moment and then . . . gueeleep!"
26. "Job? Ive never had a job," he *muses.*
27. "I coulda been a millionaire, Jerry! I coulda been a FRAGRANCE millionaire!"
28. "I got the Jimmy arm!"
29. "Im not a pimp!"
30. "TCB Jerry,yup Im taking care of business"
31. "Yo mama foo"
32. "Im afraid of the Clowns!"
33. "Jerry, they are not midgets, they are little people!"
34. "Jerry, I know myself. When Im out there, and it starts to go down, Im not gonna back down til its over."
35. Kramer to George when George gets womens glasses: "May I have one of those, madam?"
36. "That looked like milk to me"
37. When they found out his name was Cosmo, he replied "Alright, the cat is meeoooow out of the bag!"
38. "Im Cosmo Kramer, the Ass Man"
39. "You better believe it, buddy!"
40. "Im going through this stuff like water"(while hes drinking water)
41. "My rods and cones are all screwed up!"
42. "Im burned out, Jerry... burned out!"
43. "Stick a fork in me Jerry, Im done!!"
44. "Eveningwear, swimsuit, talent, POISE!!!"
45. "My little Jerry"
46. "God!...help us!"
47. "Without rules, Jerry, theres chaos."

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"Wo, wo Gingga"
"Its no picnic !!"
"Ah cmon, help a brother out". Trying to get Jerry to bring back some Cubans from Florida
"Once those gorillas accept you...youve got it made in the shade..ccc"
"Hey, stay away from the chicken--bad chicken--mess you up!"
"Lets go"
"Its was like a flabby-armed spanking machine" Kramer complaining to Jerry, referring to the geriatrics in the pool
while trying to swim laps.
"I am telling you Jerry I saw a half-man, half pig!!!"
"Im looking right at you, big daddy"
"Oh, Im the real deal" (when asked about his golf game)
"Sweet Maria"
"Its not illegal" "Its against the law," Jerry replies. "Well, yeah."
Trying to convince Jerry to get illegal cable installed.
"Understudies, now theyre a shifty bunch. The substitute teachers of the theatre world."
"Im gonna drop dead!!"
"When they pull out that needle, I let the expletives fly!"
(referring to George) "Hes a sweet kid"
"Yeah...Im Batman" to George- talking about driving bus
"Poor Lily" - referring to Susan after she died
"Pam. Pam. Paaammmm." (talking to Jerry about Jerrys girlfriend, who Jerry doesnt like, but Kramer does.)
"Not Bloody Likely!" (in bad English accent)
"Up here, Im already gone!(When Kramer goes to California)"
"Do you have any cafe lattes"
"Oh, I AM Kramer!" Referring to fake Kramer on pilot
"That television you watch, the sake you drink, even that kimono you wear...where do you think all your dollars are
going, Jerry? Thats right ... the Japanese!"
"Well... this is some risky business!" (while girl kisses his neck)
"Oh Ive been known to drink a beer or two. Course Ive been known to do a lot more than that!"
(to coke addict at bar) "Oh Im hip... to the whole scene man!"
"You stupid, stubborn , silly man"
"My guys are flowing Jerry."
"Its Macaroni Middler"
Kramer in a sauna "Its like a sauna in here"
"Come on Jerry, Im beggin ya!"
"Two cafe latte supremos"
"I guess I got confused"....said really fast, referring to a recipe that he screwed up.
"Its a Festivus miracle."
"I wish I wont drop dead."
"The one from the Hennigans"
"Youre as pretty as any of them. You just need a nose job." (to Georges big-nosed girlfriend)
"The oranges are dry; the apples are mealy; and the papayas... I dont know whats going on with the papayas!"
"Machu Picchu" (after tasting chip at Mayan clothes store)
"A real bru-ha-ha"
"Listen to the bells Grosbard, they toll for thee!"
"Vanda-what industries??.....no, no, youre way, way off!"
"Oh... I really think youre wrong"
"Bran...One hundred percent, I got a big problem"
"The beach!!!!!!!!"
"I missed my chance" (To go to the toilet)
"I broke the covenant of the keys"
"Oh, Im familiar!"
"Flinty !!"
"Thats quite a honk, you should get some vitamin C, with Rosehips and Ribo-bioflavanoids!"
"Yeah, thats right."
"Little Jerry was born to cock fight! "
"Why does Radio Shack ask for your phone number when you buy batteries I dont know!!"
"Pinkus...... poor little Pinkus" ( Kramer referring to the murdered dry cleaner)

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"The bus is ... out of control"

"Is the verdict in?" referring to the fat free frozen yogurt.
"Its a nipple."
"Welcome to Anytown USA" (when Kramer sets up a porch atmosphere in front of his apartment)
"Jerry, these are loadbearing walls, theyre not coming down"
"Dubanowitz"
"Now Im driving the Bus!" ( Kramer after taking over for passed out driver while bringing severed toy to hospital)
(finger extended, quick blink) - *Pop*!
"I like to help the humans." (after Jerry accuses him of being a Pod)
"I punched Mickey Mantle!"
"Just because big Jerry is a has been doesnt make little Jerry a never was"
Kramer: "Its a write off Jerry, they just write it off."
Jerry: "You dont even know what a right off is, do you?"
Kramer: "But they do, and theyre the ones writing it off"
Jerry: "I wish I had the last 20 seconds of my life back"
"Ohhhh Mama! "
"Ohhh yyyyyeeahhhh"
"Then I scream out...Im hit!!" (magic lugie episode)
"Cant you to see youre in love with each other?" Talking to Jerry and Elaine
"Im losing it Jerry"
"I got all my appointments right up here!"
"You better get to work"
"You cant fire me, Im Santa"
" Now if you dont mind ( to Elaine) Jerry and I need to go to bed!"
"Im Dr. VanNostren....."
"So, whats up, ditidito?"
"Can you believe this is Merve Griffins cigar stub"
"I will not play on a public golf course...I cant!..I wont!!"
"Heres to feeling good all the time"
"You know who you are? Youre even Steven!"
"You know, for a fat guy youre not very jolly!"
"Howd you know about the guy in the park?" - third installment of "The Keys"
12 years earlier...
Jerry: "Whats mine is yours."
The K man: "Really?"
"Im lovin it Jer!"
"Occupado!" (From the episode where Kramer faces gansters in a pizza parlor, backed up against the door, gives the
eight finger sign while holding a condiment shaker)
"Yeh-tet-tet-tet-hello"(When Kramer meets Jerrys 2-faced girlfriend)
"Do you ever yearn?"
"Just a little place I call well see" (Kramer test driving Jerrys new car and the sales asks where theyre going)
"GO!!!!" (Kramer answering telephone)
"Oh theres nothing in there that I havent seen before." (Kramer entering a womens changeroom)
"Am I a Hipster Doofis?"
"Dont worry boys, Cosmos at the caboose"
"Its fusilli Jerry"
"Saddle up and ride"
"I sold him my clothes, Jerry"
"Youre a raaaaaabid anti-dentite!!! "
(To Darren, the intern) "Oh, thats Jerry. Dont worry about him."
"I like to stop at the duty free shop"
"Jerry, she rubs with love!" [When Kramer was getting massages from Jerrys girlfriend]
"Youve got three pints of Kramer in ya"
"Listen to your pulse Jerry: HEY BUDDY, HEY BUDDY!"
"I get up to open a window its too hot, I turn on the air its too cold, I cant get into "the zone"!"
"I hate those Spice Girls"
Kramer fills his mailbox with bricks.
Jerry: "Whered you get all these bricks?"

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Kramer: "The whole buildings made of em!"

"Big dank!"
"Watch out boy!!"
"My wife has inner ear infection"
"Well he pushed my buttons, I couldnt help it Jerry!
"Jerry, I need papaya!"
"So do you think people will still use napkins in the year 2000... or is this mouth vacuum thing for real"
"Its the wood that makes it good Jerry!!!"
"Actual dreams men not dare dream of"
"So you are the assman"
"I know it sounds glamorous, but its business as usual at KRAMERICA."
"Im mentally distraught?"
"I suck em down like Coca-Cola"
Elaines starving artist ex-boyfriend asks Kramer - How do you do?
Kramer: - "I do great."
"I love you Mickey, I love you"
"Levels Jerry, levels"
"I saw Joe Di Maggio at Dinky Donuts"
(eating an oreo) "You dont like oreos? (to Elaine) The way you peel em and....(making eating sounds) its like youre
having art with them!"
"The street toughs, Jerry. The street toughs took the armoire."
Kramer: "No, thanks. I dont want to wear an AIDS ribbon."
Women: "But everybody wears an AIDS ribbon."
Kramer: "Thats why I dont wear it"
"Gittyup daddio"
"Newman you Magnificent bastard you did it!"
"My apartment looks like a ski lodge"
"Im dying here, Jerry. Elaine...she wants me."
"You got butchered" - to Georges girlfriend after her nosejob
"They got pies" -going to the cabin"
"uh, High School equivilency" - at Elaines stud auction
"Look at me arent I beautiful"
" He Lost It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Im loaded up baby". (when he comes home from the wholesale store)
"Yeah, are you Gak? Well heres your money". (throwing pennies all ove Gaks floor).
"Well then...I guess one of us should leave" (to Jerry in Jerrys apartment)
Kramer singing "The woman across the street has nothing on, nothing on, nothing on.." to the tune of The Wheels of
the Bus while Jerry tries to concentrate on anything but art.
"How about ketchup and mustard in the same bottle"
Kramer: "Did the K-man do it or did the K-man do it?"
Elaine: "The K-man did it!"
"Oh Im stressed."
"Manana? Im doing nada."
Kramer playing pool with maestros conducting stick: "You know where its goin!"
"Your not Kramer. Im Kramer"
Jerry asks. "Hey Kramer do you like the Drake?" Kramer replies. "Oh I love the Drake"
"Its not the size of the opponent, its the ferocity!"
"You are the wind beneath my wings" Kramer singing to Bette Midler
"Literally, whats that supposed to mean?"
"No more talking, starting now"
"They really want me out of there, tomorrow they are using espestice"
"What day is it/its Tuesday/thats funny, it doesnt feel like Tuesday/Tuesday has no feel"
"Handicapped people dont drive"
Kramer Says "Happy Birthday Jerry."
Jerry says, "Its not my birthday."
K-Man says, "I think youre wrong."
"Serenity Now, Jerry. Serenity Now"
"Jerry, everyone needs a screen porch"

203. "I woke up in the east river...in a saaaaack!!!"(when the K-man was swimming, then fell asleep while on the couch
with his girlfriend and she thought she killed him and dumped him in the east river.)
204. "Fuscili pasta because you are silly Jerry!"
205. "I will set my mental alarm"
206. "The monkey started it!"
207. "Jerry Im cooked!!"
208. "George was making more of his pudding skin singles. Theyre delicious!"
209. "Right this way Mr. Doody"
210. "Ooohh, I like ring-dings."
211. "Hellooooooooo!" (making fun of Jerrys funny talking girlfriend)
212. "Yeah, my friend Bob Sacamano, he came in here for a hernia operation. now hes sitting in a chair by the window
saying my name is Bob"( in a high piched voice)
213. "Yeah...five"
214. "I cant mince!!"
215. "Im looser than creamed corn"
216. "A coffee table book about coffee tables, that sits on a coffee table and has a coaster on the cover."
217. "Im all backed up...now I cant get it back!"
218. "Youre a disgrace to society!...I love you!"
219. "Hey, Georgie boy!!"
220. "I have elephantitus Jerry"
221. "Yall come back now, ya here."
222. "Im going back to New York."
223. To Jerry: "You have any meat?"
224. Zookeeper: "Mr. Kramer, hes an innocent primate."
Kramer: "So am I!"
225. "You arent allowed to brush 24 hours before going to the dentist."
Jerry: "I thought it was eating before surgery....";
Kramer: "No, you MUST eat before surgery. Youll need the strength !!!!!!"
226. "Is that a Titleist?" (after George tells the story about him rescuing the beached whale)
227. "Guess I hit snooze!"
228. "You think these hands have been soaking in ivory soap junior?"
229. "But what am I going to do for tupperware?"
230. Elaine: "I shave"
Kramer replies: "Not everyday"
231. "Its how I maintain my natural glow Jerry"
232. "Look at you Jerry, Youre pathetic!"
233. "Kinda like it myself!" on the ape episode
234. "Whoa! Thats a lot of potatoes."
235. "So you have a reaction to the poison!"
236. "Yeah, but where does the meat go?"
237. "Jerry, I never could find the stockroom."
238. "Wooooommm wooommm" when Kramer is given a slinky by the latvian orthodox sister
239. "Give me a pop, Jerry"
240. "Oh my god, they killed Jerry"
241. "These eggs suck!!!"
242. "Welcome to flavor country"
243. I used to have a problem.
244. Watching Jeopardy in Jerrys appartment: "What is Here Comes the Judge, Here Comes the Judge!"
245. asking Elaine why she didnt invite him to be in the bachelor auction: " I could raise enough money to cure polio
(pause) polio!"
246. Master of Domain epsiode: K-man sees naked woman next door, leaves, comes back in two minutes: "Im out!!!
247. "You are one sick mama, I like it!"
248. "Why dont we take this boiler out for a shakedown?"
249. "Lets see if I can get a smile from the femeninas."
250. Kramer at the gas station with Rick.
Kramer: "Ill get you a couple of Twix."
Rick: "No, I dont like coconut."
Kramer: "OK, Ill get two mounds"

251. "Thats a prickly one!" (when he blows the circuit of Elaines neighbors apartment)
252. "Ill tell ya whos an attractive man: George Will."
Elaine: "Well, hes smart."
Kramer: "No, I dont find him all that bright."
253. "Well, Im taping Canadien Parliament on C-SPAN." when Jerry asks Kramer why he cant watch a video in his own
apartment.
254. "Whats in the deep end?" Kramer in response to the pool guy telling Jerry to "keep out of the deep end."
255. "Thats an Enzo!" - referring to Jerrys botched haircut.
256. "If I had a kid Id name him Isosceles - Isosceles Kramer" - after viewing the perfect triangle Jerry drew freehand
257. "You banks are all the same, with your hidden fees and service charges." "No more banks - Im keeping my blood in
my freezer WITH MY MONEY!" - rate service charge hike at blood bank
258. Elaine: "You, Im more responsible than you are!"
Kramer: "Dont be ridiculous. Now if youll excuse me, I have to go fill my freezer with my own blood.
259. "Can you do me a solid."
260. "My Cubans!"
261. "I have thought of a new idea for a restaurant that serves only peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches! .... Id call it PB
and Js"
262. "The flavor has no place to hide." (regarding thinly-sliced meat)
263. "Say, nice eyepatch!"
264. "Behold, the "manssiere"!"
265. "Hes the telephone guy!" (Leaves Jerrys apartment then returns in 5 seconds)...not that theres anything wrong with
it!"
266. "But I dont want to sit there naked all by myself! (when asking Jerry and George if their ready for a steam)"
267. "What is pie! Giddy up!" (when Kramers watching Jeopardy at Jerrys Apartment)
268. "Hi, Mike" (addressing George, after Kramer was hit in the head by Crazy Joe Davola)
269. "You know those people, you know theyre mentally ill?!"
270. "Rock on!" (to George, who was wearing swimming goggles when he lost his eyeglasses)
271. "Con Dios? Thats rude!"
272. "Whats wrong with that, Jerry!"
273. "Well hello, Im Mr. Pennypacker. I am a very wealthy industrialist, philanthropist, aand- b-bicyclist."
274. "How often do we do it?"
275. "Do you wanna have some fun!!??"
276. "Now thats impossible."( on the show when Bette Midler Guess stared)
277. "lets go boys"
278. "syke!"
279. "NEWMAN!"
280. "How bout those Lakers"
281. From cafe latte lawsuit episode (in response to Jerry, said very fast): "Ohhh, I can be very litigious!"
282. "Im down" (meaning count me in)
283. "You use to be up here Jerry, now your all the way down here"
284. "Shes hungry Jerry, Got any food?"
285. "How do I look Jackie?"
286. "Jerry, I think its going to be okay. The lady at the end just smiled at me."
287. "There were some other guys floating around." - when Kramer goes swimming in the East River
288. (to Elaine) Yeah, tell me about it soul sister!
289. Jerry (re eyepatch): "You look like a pirate."
"Kramer: I want to be a pirate."
290. "This is how society works, Jerry, and if you dont want to be a part of society, then WHY dont you just MOVE to
the EAST SIDE!!"
291. "You can forget about watching TV while youre eating dinner. ("I can?") Oh YEAH! And do you know why??
Because its dinner time!"
292. "Noooo!"
293. "Theres a naked woman across the street"
294. Jerry:why did you force that mint on me?
Kramer: Whos gonna turn down a jr. mint, its chocolate, its pepermint, its delecious!
Jerry: yeah, thats true.
Kramer: Its very refreshing!!!
295. "yamahama its fright night"

296. "...So he wont go peeping around for it like some people ... YOU!" (When he was hiding the keys to his
"Strongbox".)
297. (Responding to Elaines Comment that the about the Soup Nazi): "Hes not a Nazi. Hes just a bit eccentric. Most
geniuses are."
298. Kramer: "Okay Elaine. "
Elaine: "You do it."
Kramer: "I thought you would."
Elaine: "But havent you done this before?"
Kramer: "It was no picnic!"
(Before blowing a neighbors circuit with a paper clip)
299. "theres one right... there!!!!" to George when he buys chinese hair growth"
300. "OHHHH BABY"
301. "Newmanium"
302. "Its killin me Jerry"
303. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
304. "I think your GAGA over her!!!"
305. "Im ready! Glory, Halleluhia!" (Refering to the last episode when everyone thought they were going to die on the
plane.
306. "She would look good in a scrunchy Jerry." (Refering to Jerrys girlfriend, who Kramer fell in love with).
307. "Hero" [talking like a movie person]
308. When waking Jerry in the middle of the night; Jerry: "What time is it?"
Kramer: "Its four."
309. "I cant go to jail Jerry"
310. "chk chk, giddyup"
311. "What have you done to my little cable boy?"
312. "Will you stop it man.... Youre freakin me out!"
313. "It was destroying my brain cells..!"
314. "ddododododoo que voulez vous ?" (trying to speak French in last episode)
315. "Hello, Mr. Weatherby, Veronica, Archie"
316. "Hello and welcome to movie phone."
"You have selected, Agent 0, if this is correct press 1"
"You have selected, Brown Eyed Girl, if this is correct press 1"
"Why dont you just tell me the movie youd like to see"
317. "Doc-ah-di-chi-chi-no"(from the second Seinfeld cronicles)
318. "If i see one piece of brown meat in there its your ass buster"
319. singing pistol packing mama after getting his chance
320. "You are a tenacious little monkey, arent you?" (referring to Darren, the intern)
321. "I dont care about where you come from, how you got here, or what happened to your homes." (When screening the
homeless to pull the rickshaws in "The Bookstore"
322. "Mother Natures a MAAAAAAAAD Scientist, Jerry!"
323. "Step back son, theres nothing to see here." From the episode, "The Frogger" when Kramer puts police caution tape
around Jerrys fruit bowl.
324. "You want these (refering to the gulf clubes) I dont want them... I stink"
325. "Its definetly preposterous"
326. Elaine: "How do you tell time?"
Kramer: "I tell time by the sun"
Elaine: "How do you tell at night?"
Kramer: "Nights a little harder, but its only a few hours"
327. "Its bad MOJO!!!!"----the backwards episode
328. "Hoochie Mama!Hoochie Mama!!!"---as Kramer is getting sprayed with silly string
329. "Im being typecast"---when Kramer gets gonereah twice
330. "Good luck with all that"----while talking to other actor at the hospital
331. "Youve got to mulch Jerry,You got to!"----When Kramer gets the screen door
332. "Hes outa here"---refering to homless man who ran of with the ricshaw
333. Kramer--"Ive cut slices so thin that i couldnt even see them"
Elaine--"How do u know that u cut them then?"
Kramer--"I just assumed i guess"
334. "I guess I didnt plan ahead" (selling his suit to Bana at the department store)

335. George asks "Whats a barometer?"

Kramer interjects "Its pronounced thermometer"
336. "Im king of the counting"
337. "He used to live in Xtansia??"
338. "Im going to hire you as my latex sales man"
339. "hotziggity"
340. "D D Done"
341. "Theyre Messing with your head."
342. "HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!!!!!!"
343. "Rusty, I once knew a horse named Rusty, no offence."(talking to the homeless guy who was going to pull the
rickshaw)
344. Jerry: "Lomez is jewish?"
Kramer: "Hes orthodox-old school."
345. Elaine: "Youve seen The Omen, right? What was that kid Damien?"
Kramer: "Oh nothing, just a mischievous, rambunctious kid."
346. Who gets to ride in the rickshaw, Kramer or Newman? Kramer decides:
"One spot, two spot, zig zag tear
Popped tie penny dot, penium tear.
harum, scarum ripum tearum
tay, ta, tow"
347. "wohhh"
348. "Do you know what you do at dinner time? You talk about your day! How was your day today? Did you have a good
day today or a bad day today? Well I dont know, how was your day today?"
349. "I dont know. But I woke up this morning faced with a giant red sun in the shape of a chicken!"
350. "She, a coquetish habitish, who I pursued and then she withdrew. And then she pursued and then I withdrew. And so
we danced. And I burned for her. Much like the burning during urination which I would soon feel later."
351. "Im Kramer! You know who I am, dammit!"
352. "Wide open Jerry! Wide open!" (Jerrys door)
353. "Im not, under any circumstances, doing any inserting in that area"
354. "Yes, they do have an intimate knowledge of the streets"
355. "Its L.A. Nobody leaves. Shes a seductress shes a siren. Shes a virgin, Shes a whore!"
356. "Josh Doyle is the best guy I know"
357. "Whats that red dot on it?"
358. "Although theres nothing wrong with that"
359. "Im in love, Jerry"
360. "You TOLD her you would wear it, Jerry."( refering to the frilly shirt Kramers girlfriend had designed)
361. "Ill ask the questions"
362. "You just blew my mind"
363. "12000 btus raw cooling power"
364. "cant you see im burnt out?"
365. "Boss, Real Boss"
366. "top of the morning to ya"
367. "norchy worchy dorchy doo"
368. "look a talking Nixon"
369. "oh oh Im crazy"
370. "well he overcoocked it, its all ruined"
371. "theres sand everywhere it wont go away"
372. "ahh, the motherload"
373. "ehh,doctor,are you gonna use a retractor?"
374. "well I lost them all in the fire" (when his cubans burnt with susans fathers cabin).
375. "upsss,thats my phoneeeee!"
376. "it just doesnt sit well"
377. "you be wrong"
378. "that sex is gonna melt your face" (to Jerry about his gymnast girlfriend)
379. "Jerry you got any doublecrunch?"
380. "you cant put a limit on my cafe latte, says so right here." (holding up his agreement with the coffee company)
381. I feel like Im talking a little bit too fast, but its really hard to tell." (to Jerry and George while high on coffee)
382. "Jerry, I need my massage. Cant you see Im burnt out?"

383. "Look at this face and tell me Im not Kramer hah!" (when he was picking up some tickets that elaines girlfriend had
left for him)
384. [About the non-fat yougurt] "Well, I tasted it at the one downtown, its got a remarkable texture."
385. "Kkkkkk Kaibush?" (when crazy Joe Devola put the kaibush on Jerry)
386. "You know hes on medication." (about cJoe D.)
387. "oh its the real deal"
388. "I got uma thurmans phone number , uma jerry, uma"
389. "It must of been the botanical extracts"
390. "Jerry, are you aware that adult diapers are a $600 million dollar a year industry?"
391. "Look at you...Look at what youve sunk to...Look at what youve become. Look in the mirror. Cause you need help
Jerry, you need help. Because I cant stand by and do it anymore. Its turning my stomach. I cant stand around here
watching you destroy yourself. Its eating me up inside!!!"
392. "You said yes? Dont you have any pride or self respect? I mean how can you prostitute yourself like this? I mean
what are you gonna do, your gonna start driving him(Keith Hernandez) to the airport?"
393. "SO your all in here together...well how CONVENIENT...I hope youre all very PROUD of yourselves."
394. "Newman is planning a sneak attack...You sit there and you watch while Newman takes over the world. But hed be a
horrible leader. And you know whos going to suffer?... The little people...you and..."
395. "look its Keegan Noble"
396. "Jerry, Im a player!"
397. "Im not gonna let them hurt you!" (Huddlng Elaine closer to himself when he thinks Jerry is OBrien, the political
Nazi activist)
398. "I dont like this mustard, its too yellow!"
399. "Mr. Marbles? Hes harmless"
400. "Well, thats interesting."
401. "why joe dimagio cant eat donuts like everyone?"
402. "what are we, dog meat?"
403. "Look, Ive known Newman my whole life... in the building." (to Sylvio, the super.)
404. "Maybe. Being a mailman has its certain privelages"
405. "You see these ladies I got showing, you think theyre scared!"
406. "Oh, I have a big hopper!"
407. "Can I sleep with you?" Kramer asks Jerry one night when he is locked out of his apartment and has to sleep on
Jerrys uncomfortable couch.
408. Kramer: (to Jerry) "Why are you starting with me now. You know this is my crazy time of year!"
Jerry: "Its your third day."
409. "That Hakeem Olajuwon- hes got a real attitude."
410. while attempting to get elaines chart hes asked "what clinic did you say you were from?"
Lramer: "thats right"
411. "Cmon, Jerry! Ill give you a walkman!"
Jerry: "Thats mywalkman!"
Kramer: "And Youll get it back!"
412. "I sold the movie rights to my coffee table book! Ill never have to work a day in my life again!"
413. "A month in Europe with Elaine - hes coming back in a body bag!"
414. Its our good friend Elaine Benes! Star of the new movie "Elaine does the upper west side"
415. "No Man, not the gas!"
416. "Rusty! Rusty!!!!!!!"
417. "The Airconditioner!!!"
418. (speaking fast!) "If I want a Cafe Late, you give me a cafe late, and if I got any problems Im gonna send my lawyer
Jackie Charles down here and you gonna be in reeeaaal big trouble!"
419. "Yeah - Ive spent some time in the desert." (to Sal Bass who hethinks is Salmon Rushdie)
420. "Okay, shows over" after seeing Georges girlfriend topless
421. "Not Jerry, hes delicate" (when purchasing high powered showerheads)
422. "Got any shredded coconut?"
423. Jerry: "What kind of pie are you cooking?"
Kramer: "Hucklebery"
424. "we are on this guy like stink on a monkey"
425. "I never heard of Joe Mayo, frankly it sounds made up."
426. "Newman can climb like a ringtailed lemur!"
427. "Four lanes...into two lanes of cruise control"

428.
429.
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459.
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461.
462.
463.

464.
465.
466.
467.
468.

"It was broken before I got it."

" You may stray, but you will always return to your dark master ... THE COCOBEAN"
"Goodbye muchachos!"
"G.T.J.D. Jerry, Gettin The Job Done!"
(from cable guy episode) Jerry: Ive never seen you like this.
Kramer: Oh, you dont want to get on my bad side!
"Yeah, I bought dungarees. Theyre slim fit." (from episode where he cant get his pants off because theyre too
small.)
(to Jerry) "You gotta help me. I cant get my pants off."
"That was alright."
"You overcooked my shirt!"
"I turned around and punched Mickey!"
"Yeah Jerry, your phone is line 1"
"Your siding with management? SCAB,SCAB!!!!
"Thats bush league."
"NEVER, your jealous because little Jerry is doing more with your name than you ever will......YEA YEA."
"Like we did in the 60s--takin it to the streets!" (Kennys chicken episode)
"Jerry, Im so glad we switched apartments--it was the perfect solution!" (Kennys chicken episode)
(talking to little boy in hospital) Kramer:"But you gotta promise to do something for me."
Billy: "I know, I know--get out of this bed and walk someday."
Kramer: "Yeah, yeah, that would be nice but I really just need that card."
"Oh, by the way George, you know those condoms I gave you? Theyre defective."
(re the "street toughs") Jerry: "They just wanted the armoire?"
Kramer: "Yes, they were quite taken with it."
(Breaking up fight between Elaine and Jerry) "The next one of you that opens your mouth will have to deal with me."
"Cmon, theres plenty of women out there for all of us."
"You know my friend Bob Sakamona? He just got a job in a condom factory. He gave me a whole bag full."
"The relationship is killing me. The distance, the longing... I didnt realize it, but Im a needy person!"
(Talking to Calvin Klein) "I try to take care of myself. I watch what I eat. Just last week I cut out fructose."
(CKs staff then oggles Kramer, and one of them says, "His buttocks are sublime.")
"Oh, I know...where IM standing!"
"people do dress up for the opera, I dont"
"Im gonna lose that nail"
"I dont give away Tupperware... with a piece of Tupperware you just assume."
"I just made a delicious casserole and now it wont keep--I dont have any Tupperware!"
"The patented burp, Jerry--it locks in freshness!"
(to another guy in the police line-up) "You again--boy, youre a slippery one."
"Hmmm... Boy, that Hennigans goes down smooth. And afterwards you dont even smell... (in best ad pitchmans
voice) Thats Hennigans--the no smell, no tell scotch!"
"I cant work with these. Yah bought me dishwashing gloves--theres no fine touch!"
(to doctor, testing him) "What do you know about interabdominal retractors?"
(holding big bunch of latex gloves he stole from hospital) "Pay dirt!"
(Kramer tells George hes going to observe an operation)
George: "What kind of operation?"
Kramer: "Spleenectomy."
George:"Isnt that where they remove the--"
Kramer: "No, no dont ruin it for me, I havent seen it yet!"
Kramer: "Hey buddy, Im borrowing all your tupperware."
Jerry: "Why?"
Kramer: "Well, I closed my account at the blood bank."
Kramer looks in fridge: "Hey, whats going on?"
Jerry: "Sorry, its all health food."
Kramer: "Well, I may have to take it, but I dont have to like it."
Jerry: "What are you doing--I thought you were babysitting tonight?"
Kramer: "There was an incident."
Jerry gets sliced by an exacto knife)
Kramer: "You know, Jerry, when somebody yells heads up youre not supposed to actually look up."
"Look at this, look at the hair on the back of my neck... I got a thicket back there!"

469. To Jerry (after hes got 3 pints of Kramer in him): "Blood brother!"
470. Jerry (when he finds out Kramer calls his parents every week): "Why are you calling my parents?"
Kramer: "Well maybe if you called more often I wouldnt have to."
471. Jerry: "What is this?"
Kramer: "Were making our own sausages."
Jerry: "I thought you were watching a video?"
Kramer: "Yeah, an instructional video on how to make your own sausages."
472. Jerry (after Kramer borrows his car to take his blood to the bloodbank: "You put blood in the car?!"
Kramer: "Jerry, it was overheating--you should take better care of it."
473. "Theyre not real Cubans--theyre Dominicans!"
474. (re the "Cubans") Texan: "Were talking about people, right?"
Kramer: "Yeah, I think so."
475. (re Dominicans) "When theres no work and the people get restless, who do you think they come after? El Presidente!"
476. "Those Dominicans really know their way around a crepe. Theyre rolling double coronas!"
477. Jerry: "Looks like he gave you some novacaine." Kramer: "Oh, Im loaded!"
478. Mel Torme (who thinks Kramer is "mentally challenged"): "Ladies and gentlemen, I want to dedicate this song to a
very courageous young man." He sings, "When youre smilin, when youre smilin.." then Mel and Kramer sing in
unison: "The whole world smiles with you!"
479. (after Kramer gets novacaine) George: "Why dont you be more careful with your drool?"
Kramer: "Im doing the best I can!"
480. (Kramer is in cab with guy who thinks hes "mentally challenged") Arnold Deansfry: "You are really independent."
Kramer: "Youre not doing too bad yourself."
481. (to Tim Watley the dentist, re the Penthouse magazines in his waiting room) "Ive just been occupying myself with
some of your-- reading material."
482. Kramer takes a box of VERY SPICY Chinese food out of Jerrys refrigerator and starts to dig in: "Hey, whats this?"
Jerry: "Kung pau."
Kramer: "ARRRGGHH!!!"
483. (to Mel Torme, who thinks hes "mentally challenged"--in garbled voice) K: "Ive been living alone a long time now."
Mel: "Well, I think thats the tops!"
484. "Mom and Pop vanished!"
485. (to the parents who want to have their baby circumcised) "Were not talking about a manicure. Were talking about
your childs first memory of his parents when they--whack!--and then serve a catered lunch."
486. "Jerry cmon--Im an invited guest. I cant be aiding and abetting some party crasher!"
487. (Kramer and Jerry are riding bus to Parsippany, NJ) "Jerry, these nosebleeds are starting again... Look at me, Im
falling apart here..." (strains of "Midnight Cowboy" theme starts up in background)
488. Jerry: "Fungicide--whats that for?" Kramer: "Fungus."
489. "I always open medicine cabinets."
490. Elaine (re her podiatrist boyfriend): "I am not going to ask him about funguses!"
Kramer (correcting her): "Fungi."
491. Jerry (re nun): "What do you mean, liked you?"
Kramer: "LIKED me. I think I picked up on a vibe."
Jerry: "You picked up on a vibe from a NUN?!"
Kramer: "Jerry, Im tellin ya, I have this power - and I have no control over it."
492. "Shes thinking about leaving the church... This power! Look what Im doing! Im dangerous, Jerry--Im very, very
dangerous!"
493. Kramer: "I have this POWER..."
Latvian Orthodox priest: "Yes--kavorka."
Kramer: "Whats kavorka?"
Priest: "Its a Latvian word that means, the lure of the animal."
Kramer: "HELP ME, FATHER, HELP ME!!"
494. (testing if hes gotten rid of "kavorka") Kramer: "Howre ya doin?"
Woman on street: "Get away from me, you creep!"
Kramer: "YES! YES!!
495. "How about if the book came with little fold-out legs so the book itself becomes a coffee table?"
496. (re Toby the loudmouth) "Jerry, youve got to meet this gal. Shes brimming with positivity."
497. (Jerry heckles Toby, she runs outside, a street sweeper cuts off her pinky toe) "Oh, YEAH, you gave her a taste of
medicine!"
498. "After the ambulance took off, I found her toe. So I put it in a Cracker Jack box and filled it with ice."

499. (Kramer is telling about driving the bus) Jerry: "You kept making all the stops?"
Kramer: "Well, people kept ringing the bell!"
500. George: "You did all this for a pinky toe?"
Kramer: "Well, its a valuable appendage."
501. "George if the pig man had a car he would give you a ride"
502. "Pig man, baby!"
503. George: "And hes not a pigman, is he?"
Kramer: "No. Just a fat little mental patient."
504. (to Jerry et al.) "Youre a bunch of yuppies! Its your go-go lifestyle thats driving out the mom and pop stores!"
505. (re Jerry) "Hes got a Peter Pan complex."
506. (to Jerry) "Well, obviously there was a miscommunication!"
507. "Oh god, its a pig man--a pig man!"
508. "Yah! Dont ever question my instincts, because my instincts are honed."
509. "The government has been experimenting with pigmen since the 50s... Jerry, would you wake up to reality--its a
military thing. The government is creating a whole army of pigmen."
510. "Believe me, Jerry, somewhere in this hospital the anguished cry of pigman calls out for help"
511. (Kramer confronts an innocent doctor about the pig man) "Look, I know whats going on--the oink, oink."
512. "Its Risk, Jerry--the game of world domination."
513. "Newman and I are engaged in an epic struggle for world domination."
514. (to Jerry) "Ive been watching your door through my peephold... Fish eye...sees all."
515. (to Newman, re Risk) "I have you teetering on the brink of complete annilation."
516. (to Mrs. Seinfeld) "Helen, could I use some more of your hand lotion?"
517. "How serendipitous!"
518. "Have you ever had really good paella? Its an orgiastic feast for the senses!"
519. (re executive trench coat scheme) Kramer: "Im doing all the legwork."
Mr. Seinfeld: "What legwork?!"
Kramer: "Oh, theres legwork!"
520. (re Morty and the trench coats) "Youre right, hes rippin me off--RIPPIN ME OFF!!"
521. (Kramer bricks in his mailbox) "Check it out--rain and sleet may not stop them, but lets see them get by these bricks!"
522. Kramer: "Id like to cancel my mail."
Postal worker: "Certainly. For how long?"
Kramer: "I want out--permanently."
523. Kramer composes an ad for Jerry: "Here we go, yeah. For sale: a big--juicy--VAN. And ooo--better put down:
Interesting trades considered."
Jerry: "I dont want any trades!"
Kramer: "Its all about tickling their buying bone."
524. Jerry answers phone: "Yeah, the van is still for sale. Come on by."
Kramer immediately slides into his apartment: "Yeah, I called about the van."
525. "Its Anthony Quinns t-shirt. I nabbed it when he was doing sit-ups in the park."
526. "Mail is evil! Pass it on."
527. Jerry: "Hows the anti-mail campaign going?"
Kramer: "Fantastic! We were outside the post office today and not one person went inside!"
Jerry: "Its Sunday."
528. Kramer-as-talk-show-host: "You know, someone mentioned to me that you werent very happy with your toys
growing up... You didnt get a GI Joe, you had a--"
Jerry: "An Army Pete. He was made of wood and in the rain he would swell up and then split."
Kramer (aside to "audience"): "And we all know how painful that can be!"
529. Kramer (after theyve run out of things to talk about on the "talk show"): "Weve officially bottomed out... Whos our
next guest?"\
Newman: "Weve got no one."\
Kramer: "We need a new format. We should shut down and retool." [He turns off set lights.]
Newman: "How about a guest host?"
Kramer: "Ill pretend I didnt hear that."
530. Kramer: "Weve got a whole new format--edgy, youthful... plus, we got Jim Fowler."
Jerry: "Jim Fowler, the animal guy from Wild Kingdom is coming to your apartment?"
Kramer: "Well, I practically raised his kids."
531. Kramer: "OK, a little later were going to be talking with animal expert Jim Fowler--"
Jim Fowler: "Wherere the cameras?"

532.

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555.
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557.
558.
559.
560.

Kramer: "--but first were talking with---Jerry. Hey, Jerry, you, uh, you drugged a woman in order to play with her toy
collection. How do you FEEL about that?"
Jerry: "It was great. Ive done it a few more times since then."
Kramer: "And she doesnt know anything about this?"
Jerry: "No, not a thing."
Kramer: "Well, Jerry, we have a little SURPRISE for YOU. COME ON OUT, Celia!"
Celia (to Jerry): "What kind of sick, twisted creep ARE you?!"
Kramer & Newman in unison: "WHOOOAAA!!"
Jerry: "What--what is this? What is SHE doing here?"
Kramer: "Its a new format--scandals and animals!"
(George tries to get his injured squirrel on show) Kramer: "George, I told you--were booked!"
Jim Fowler: "Careful--hawks and squirrels dont get along together."
Kramer: "Ohhh, another interesting confrontation--this could be spicy--get George, bring him over." (Hawk attacks
George/squirrel) "Are we getting this?!"
Jerry: "So the whole set was destroyed?"
Kramer: "Well, the squirrel kept scurrying and the hawk kept clawing."
"I tell you, it was a grind having to fill 10 hours a day. Im not sure I was ready to have my own talk show set."
Kramer is pretending hes a dermatologist: "Male mammal approximately 30 to 60 years of age. Weight
indeterminate."
"Moles, yes--freckles ugly cousin."
"Ive seen moles so big they have their own moles."
"I havent had a decent sandwich in 13 years."
(to Jerry, carrying in meat slicer machine) "Hey! Our meat problems are solved!"
Jerry has broken out in hives and is trying to figure out why.
Kramer: "Have you been wearing a fake beard
Kramer thinks Jerrys dermatologist ex-girlfriend is poisoning him: "Jerry, as the Bible says, thou who cureth can
maketh ill."
"Look at it! LOOK AT IT!!" (Kramer showing Jerry how much chest hair he has)
(Kramers talking to car salesman who wants Jerry to take a test ride) "No, I dont think so--hes an entertainer.
Hes----all over the place. Thats where I come in."
(test driving car) "Hey ladies! Its a Saab 900! What do you think? Can I interest you in a little SUPPLEMENTAL
RESTRAINT?!"
(to car salesman) "Now look, Rick, Im very close to giving this car that my celebrity friend is considering my full
endorsement."
(last episode) "Theres something in the air today... Yup, theres something in the air."
"I mean, what are you thinking about Jerry? Marriage? Family? Theyre PRISONS--manmade PRISONS! Youre
doin time!"
(Kramers talking about Entemanns) "No, no, theyre not really in the supermarket. They have their own case at the
end of the aisle."
"Lock and load!"
"Believe me, George, you can count on Slippery Pete." (the electrician)
"Oh, hes the best--and the worst."
Kramer: "Whos Leo?"
Jerry: "UNCLE Leo??!!"
Kramer: "Oh yeah, UNCLE Leo--I forgot his first name!"
"Danke schoen, my little dumplings."
(to new parents who are talking about having a bris for their baby) "You mean circumcision? I would advise against
that."
"I tried bran--40%, 50%, 60%--the bran isnt working for me!"
George (re enema): "You went for the big E huh?" Kramer: "Wet and wild!"
To George, who wants to bring squirrel on "talk show": "What, two animal acts on the same show?" (aside to Jerry)
"What is this, AMATEUR hour?!"
"Heres my shower routine--maybe I can make some changes. Washcloth and maybe some liquid soap and just--(pop
sound)--FOCUS!"
"Well, I just got out of a 27-minute shower. I made some good cuts and I didnt lose anything I needed. Yeah, I think
what I kept is even stronger now."
Jerry is instructing Kramer on how to take a quick shower: "Youre probably wasting time working piecemeal--first
cleaning one area and then another."

Kramer: "Well thats how cats do it!"

561. Kramer is "observing" men in shower at YMCA to get showering "tips": "Now see, thats smart ... CONSTANT
motion."
Guy in shower: "HEY!"
Kramer: "Oh yeah, yeah, Im watching you too, but this guys really showin me something!"
562. Kramer gets punched out by guy in shower at Y for "observing" him; he comes into Jerrys apartment with a black
eye: "You got any steak?"
Jerry: "What happened to YOU?"
Kramer: "People in this city are crazy... " (puts frozen steak on his black eye)
563. Kramer: "Hey, Jerry, guess where Im callin from?"
Jerry: "World War I plane?"
Kramer: "NO, Im in my SHOWER! You know Im tryin to get out of the shower sooner, then I ask myself--why? I
mean, THIS is where I want to be. So I got a waterproof phone, I shaved, I brushed my teeth, and I ordered a pair of
chinos from J. Crew!"
Jerry: "When are ya gettin out?"
Kramer: "Im NOT!! Ill see ya later, buddy!"
564. Kramer is having dinner with Elaine, Putty & Elaines germophobic co-worker, Peggy: "And heres to David Putty for
helping me install a much needed and much appreciated garbage disposal in my bathtub."
Peggy: "You have a garbage disposal in your bathtub?"
Kramer: "Oh, yeah, I use it all the time. Yeah, I made this whole meal in there."
Elaine: "This food was in the shower with you?"
Kramer: "Ummhmm--I prepared it as I bathed." (E, P & P start to retch)
565. (looking at book) "Jerry, look at these pagodas... Ive got to get to Hong Kong before it goes back to China."
566. "Jerry, remember my idea about rickshaws in New York? Were going to make it happen!"
567. (to 3 homeless guys) "What were looking for is motivated, hardworking gentlemen like yourselves to pull rickshaws."
568. (Rusty the homeless guy runs off with rickshaw) "We shoudda gotten some collateral from him, like his bag of cans
or... or bag of cans..."
569. Rusty the homeless guy (after he runs off with rickshaw): "Do I get the job?"
Kramer:"Yeah, yeah, well get back to you."
570. (Jerry says he takes a 10-minute shower) "Ten minutes--thats kooky talk!"
571. Jerry: "You promise youll never come in here again?"
Kramer (chortling): "Well, Jerry, you know I cant do that!"
572. Jerry refuses to get naked to demonstrate his shower technique;
Kramer says: "Well, this has all been one big tease!"
573. (to Micky) "OK, lets practice retching."
574. (when he and Micky are "acting" disease for med students) "Well, I got gonorrhea... its a waste of my talent. Its just
a little burning."
575. "Ooo--hoochie moochie!"
576. (Kramer explains to Jerry why he cant make any of his ideas "happen") "Its all these menial tasks--shopping,
cooking, coming in here to talk to you... Do you have any idea how much time that takes?"
577. "See, the idea is a rubber bladder inside the tanker, so if it crashes the oil wont spill out..."
578. "And with Darrens help, well get that chicken."
579. "Well, I must say this seems capricious and arbitrary."
580. (checking out Merv Griffin set in dumpster) "One minute Elliott Gould is sittin on ya, and the next thing youre in the
trash."
581. Elaine: "This chair smells like garbage."
Kramer says: "Well, a lot of the stars from the 70s--they were not as hygienic as they appeared on tv. You take
Mannix for example..."
582. (Kramer as talk show host) "El Paso. I spent a month there one night."
583. "Jerry, now what you do with your personal life is your business. But when youre on my set--you clean it up, mister!"
584. "Yeah, roger that."
585. "Im a seat filler."
586. "If they catch the two of us on tv, you might have a little explaining to do."
587. "Jerky turkey? Go ahead, take a pull!"
588. (after hes "won" a Tony) "Well, good morning gentlemen--and Tony says hello, too!"
589. Kramer (when he "wins" Tony): "I cant describe how great it is to win!"
Jerry:"Thats because you didnt!"
590. (hes congratulated for "winning" the Tony) "Well thank you--thank you so much--I have so many people I want to

thank, I dont want to forget anyone."

591. Kramer: "Jerry, youre not in show business--you dont know what these people are like."
Jerry: "Im in show business!"
Kramer: "Oh, come ON!!"
592. "Catfight??!!"
593. "Well, Im off to the links..."
594. "Im starting the book tour. First stop: Regis & Kathy Lee!"
595. "A bra is for ladies... Meet the Bro. "
596. "Jerry, I have to tell you something--that voice is played--SO played!"
597. (in the pet cemetery) "Mans best friend--Jerry, I want something like that on my tombstone."
598. Kramer: "Its a strongbox to protect my valuables."
Elaine: "And what would those be?"
Kramer: "My Tony, my military discharge..."
Jerry: "You were in the army?"
Kramer: "Briefly."
599. (to Jerry, when Kramer is hiding his key in Jerrys apartment) "You hate it that I have a little secret! Anything I do
ooo--ooo--you gotta know all about it. Youre obsessed with me!"
600. (re topless Jane) "Maybe shes tryin to create a buzz--you know, get some good word of mouth goin."
601. "NOW were playing politics!"
602. "The people have spoken!"
603. (to Jerry, in his tux) "Oh boy--yeah, you clean up NICE!"
604. (talking about dead parrot) "Fredo was weak and stupid--he shouldnt have eaten that key."
605. "Darren, you go home--forget about Kramerica."
606. "Kramerica Industries lives--lets get to work..." [closes door, then immediately opens it] "Lets see what Jerry has to
eat!"
607. "You know, Darren, if you had told me 25 years ago that some day Id be standing here about to solve the worlds
energy problems, Id have said you were crazy. Now lets drop that ball."
608. "Darrens going away for a long, long time."
609. "Well, this is one for the books, eh Jerry? Reallly one for the books!"
610. "Well, grab a cigar boys--its time to celebrate... Remember my coffee table book? A big Hollywood so-and-so
optioned it for a movie!"
611. Kramer: "Im retiring."
Jerry: "From what?"
Kramer: "From the grind! I mean, who needs it? Ive accomplished everything I set out to do."
612. (Jerry visits his parents in Florida--Kramer is there) Kramer: "Hey buddy, when did you get here?"
Jerry: "Kramer, what are you doin here?!"
Kramer: "I told you I was retiring. I moved in next door."
613. "Oh yeah, Sothebys--they make good cake."
614. (police tape is around broken egg on floor) Jerry: "Hey, whats THIS?"
Kramer: "Yeah, yeah, I dropped an egg. Be careful."
615. "Hey Jerry--ya ever wear silk underwear? Jerry: "No."
Kramer: "Put that on the top of your list!"
616. (to kosher Rachel) "Youre so pious--I really respect that. You know, when you die youre going to get some special
attention."
617. (to Rachel, when she wants to eat lobster) "No, Im sorry honey--not on my watch."
618. George is fretting about Susan; Kramers advice: "Now what does the little man inside you say? See, you gotta listen
to the little man."
619. "Im buyin that fake wood wallpaper--Im going to surround myself in wood. Its gonna be like a log cabin. Cause I
NEED wood around me. Wood, Jerry, wood."
620. "Now I dont want any trouble, Calvin..."
621. "The street toughs--they robbed me... It was very frightening--my life was in danger. You shoulda seen the way they
talked to me."
622. "I just want to borrow your dust buster."
623. "Newman! The white whale!"
624. (to Newman) "All right, you listen and you listen good--I know who you are--youre the scofflaw!"
625. "Dont you worry, Your Honor, hes in my custody."
626. "You blew it boy--you REALLY blew it!"
627. "Youd better straighten up and fly right, buddy boy."

628. "I LIVE for Merlot!"

629. Kramer: "Oh, it starts with a few jokes, a few slurs--hey denty! Next thing you know youll be sayin they should have
their own schools."
Jerry: "They DO have their own schools!!"
630. "We just picked up two women at The Gap!"
631. Kramer: "I was yellin at the litterbug... This is my town--you dont throw trash on the streets of my town."
Jerry: "So didnt you explain it to the cop?"
Kramer: "No, I fled the scene."
632. Kramer: "So I called the LITTERBUG a pig--not YOU! I LIKE policemen--I wanted to BE a policeman."
Cop: "Yeah, so why didnt you?"
Kramer: "Im scared of being shot!"
633. "Well, THATs peculiar!"
634. George: "Kramer, I need to talk to Jerry privately."
Kramer: "Oh, what about?"
635. (re Jake Jarmel) Kramer: "I really like those glasses he was wearing--whered he get those?"
Elaine: "Why? You dont wear glasses."
Kramer: "I know, I know, but I need a new look--Im stagnating!"
636. George: "Thats like me buying a wheelchair to cruise around in!"
Kramer: "Yeah, Ive considered that."
637. "Cmon, whats the big deal? Were just gonna put a little concrete in the washing machine!"
638. "Yeah, well, you know there are many differences between American and Soviet cultures that youre not aware of. See
in Russia, the cable guy, they got the whole run of the house. Thats tradition.""
639. "Whats five grand between friends??"
640. Kramer: "You didnt WANT her in the building?"
Jerry: "NO, I didnt."
Kramer: "Well then why did ya loan her the five thousand dollars??!!"
641. (visiting George after his "heart attack") "They got a great cafeteria downstairs. Hot food, sandwiches, a salad bar--its
like Sizzler opened up a hospital!"
642. "George, whatever you do, dont let em cut ya--DONT let em cut ya!!"
643. "Ill tell ya what ya do--you go to Tor Eckman. Tor, Tor--hell fix ya right up. Hes a herbalist, a healer, George--hes
not just gonna fix the tonsils and the adenoids. He is gonna change the whole way you function--body [snap] and
mind!"
Jerry: "ECKMAN--I thought he was doin time!"
Kramer: "No, no, hes out--he got out!!"
644. "Hes holistic--George, hes holistic!"
645. Kramer: "Well, more bad news, Jerry. You know the police, they found another victim of the lopper in Riverside Park.
I saw the photo and it looked a lot like you."
Jerry: "Ah, cmon, theres a lotta people walkin around the city that look like me."
Kramer: "Not as many as there used to be."
646. "Sounds like theyre tryin to screw with your head!"
647. (smokers episode) "Jerry, these people arent going to let themselves be flicked into the ashcan of society!"
648. Kramer turns his apartment into a smokers lounge: "All right, I have room for two, but only in the non-filter section."
649. "Hey buddy, you should come over--its pipe night!"
650. Jerry: "Hey, do you know what the whip does?
Kramer: "What whip?"
Jerry: "The whip--in the senate, the house."
Kramer: "Well you know, in the old days, when the senators didnt vote the way the party wanted them to--they
whipped them!"
651. "Im off hot water."
652. (Kramer is pining over Pam) "I just had two double fudge sundaes."
653. (about Pam) "I love her, Jerry--shes REAL--she can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan!"
654. Kramer: "Its by an unknown 20th century poet."
Pam: "Oh--whats his name?"
Kramer: "Newman."
655. "How can you do that to your friend--hes got a wife, kids--and a lot of other stuff!"
656. "Why cant Joe DiMaggio have a donut like everyone else?!"
657. (talking about Joe DiM.) "I studied his every move. For example, he dunks!"
658. (answering phone) "Kramerica Industries... Oh, hi Mark... No, no, no. Forget that, I got a better idea. A pizza place

where you make your own pie... Im talking about a whole chain of em. YEAH!"
659. "Yeah, we give you the dough, you smash it, you pound it, you fling it up in the air, and then you get to put your sauce
and you get to sprinkle your cheese, and then--you slide it into the oven!"
660. (to Jerry) "You know, I cant believe you put your money in that Sendrax and you couldve invested in my roll-out tie
dispenser."
Jerry: "Roll-out tie dispenser, what was that one?"
Kramer: "Okay, youre in a restaurant, youve got a very big meeting coming up... Oh man, you got mustard on your
tie! You just (whap) tear it off and you got a new one right here."
661. "Yeah, a friend of mine, hes a magician, hes going away on vacation. He asked me to take care of his doves."
662. Kramer: "Ive gotta feed the birds."
Jerry: "So?"
Kramer: "You got any of those mini Ritzes?"
663. "Alarm clocks--I never use em... I have a mental alarm."
664. "Oh, its tolerable!"
665. (talking about his hot tub) "Its like Sweden, man--SWED-enn!!"
666. "I cant get my core temperature back up!" (after sleeping in hot tub with broken heater)
667. (gets new heater for hot tub) "Its industrial strength--16,000 b.t.u.s!"
668. "Yeah, Im gettin rid of all my furniture. All of it. And Im going to build these different levels, with steps, and itll
all be carpeted with a lot of pillows. You know, like ancient Egypt."
669. (looking at Jerrys new suede jacket) "Thats definitely you."
Jerry: "Really?"
Kramer: "Thats more you than youve ever been."
670. "Whoa, Nelson!"
671. "One hundred percent cotton Dockers. If theyre not Dockers, theyre just pants."
672. Kramer has his hair slicked back: "You know, I shouldve done this years ago. I mean I feel like Ive had two lives.
My pre-mousse and now I begin my post-mousse. Hey, tell me the truth, have you ever seen a better looking guy?"
673. "Police! Open up! ... Freeze mother!"
674. (Kramer retrieves the stolen statue) "Youre in big trouble son. Burglary, grand larceny, possession of stolen goods
and uh, uh ... murder!"
675. "Shut up! Keep em spread! Just make love to that wall, pervert!"
676. (Kramers listening in on the police radio) "Im watchin the watchers, Jerry!"
677. "I tell ya, if I could do it all over again, Id give it all up to be a fireman."
678. (to Jerry) "Makin fun of crippled people--is that what youve sunk to?!"
679. "Well, you just joked yourself right out of a commercial, didnt you mujumbo?"
680. (talking about his NYC shortcuts) "Its all up here, Jerry, its all up here--its innate."
681. (to George, trying to guess his ATM password) "What kind of man are you? Weak, spineless, a man of temptation...
Youre a portly fellow--a bit long in the waistband. So what is your pleasure?"
682. "I made a map of my shortcuts--Im gonna rock their world!"
683. "Are they gonna do a zipper job? Oh, they love to do zipper jobs!"
684. (talking to George in the hospital after his "heart attack") "The really bad thing about the heart is the sex thing. See,
you gotta be careful about sex now. You get that heart pumping and suddenly, boom! Next thing you know you got a
hose coming out of your chest attached to a piece of luggage!"
685. (Jerry is smacking on his tv) Oh, look at you. Youre banging on things. Pathetic. Just wasting your life. Im offering
you 56 channels--movies, sports, nudity. And its free! For life!"
686. "Hes a Russian immigrant. He escaped from the Gulag. Hes like the Sakharov of cable guys..."
687. (to Antonio) You know cats run away all the time. You know, my aunt, she had a cat, ran away, showed up three years
later, you never know. They got things in their brains where they remember where theyre from. Unless of course
somebody else starts feeding him. See, thats what you gotta worry about."
688. "Its been a week. Its up to the cat now."
689. (to Jerry) "Hey, I just thought of a really funny thing for your act. Alright, youre up and youre on the stage and you
go, "Hey did you ever notice how cars here in New York, they never get out of the way of ambulances anymore?
Someones in a life and death situation and were thinking, Well, sorry buddy you shouldve thought of that when
you were eating cheese omelettes and sausages for breakfast every morning for the last thirty years!
690. Installed! (When insalling Jerrys air conditioner, merely closes the window and plugs it in.)
691. (to Elaine) "Youre a mans woman--you hate other women and they hate you!"
692. "Theres nothing more pathetic than a grown man whos afraid of a woman!"
693. (explaining the "worlds" theory to Jerry) "This world here--this is Georges world. If Susan comes into contact with
this world here--worlds collide!"

694. Kramer: "Did I tell you Im gettin a new phone number?"

Jerry: "No, why?"
Kramer: "Chicks, man--too many chicks know my number!"
695. Jerry tells Kramer to pretend to be talking so Ramone wont sit with them at the movies; Kramer makes conversation:
"So I had to kill him and well--the police are still lookin for me."
696. Kramer answers his new cell phone: "Cosmo, go!"
697. Kramers in the hippie van on his way to California: "Then the evil ogre took back the keys from the magical young
prince, and then the handsome young prince was cast out into the cold cruel world..."
698. "Ya know, I always wanted to drive one of these big rigs. I used to watch those commercials during Gomer Pyle."
699. Kramers got a bit part on Murphy Brown: "Oh, good morning Miss Brown. Im Steven Snell."
700. "That WAS an unusual choice for the Stooges."
701. "You scream good."
702. (to Fred Savage) "Im not crazy--I may look crazy but Im just like you--just a regular guy tryin to make it in this
business."
703. Kramer is in jail; Jerry asks, solicitously: "How are ya doin?"
Kramer: "Fabulous! I got a lot of auditions, call backs, a lot of interest in my treatment..."
704. (starting to break down under police interrogation) "I didnt kill anyone--I swear, I swear to God. You got the wrong
man, it wasnt me!"
705. "These eggs are disgusting--this chicken should be ashamed of himself."
706. "Yes--these are SWEATSHOP eggs!!"
707. Kramer: "I bought a chicken."
Jerry: "You picked out a rooster."
Kramer: "Well, that would explain little Jerrys poor egg production."
708. Kramer on cockfighting: "I thought they wore gloves and helmets, like American Gladiators!"
709. (after little Jerrys first cockfight) "You shouldda seen him... weavin and bobbin and talkin trash!"
710. (to Jerry) "I want you to come over later--Im havin a victory party for little Jerry!"
711. "You see in little Jerry Seinfeld the unlimited future that you once had!"
712. Kramer sees Marcelas rooster: "It looks like a dog with a glove on his head!"
713. Kramer: "Hey, whats up?"
Jerry: "George is datin a convict."
Kramer: "Whats she in for?"
George: "Embezzlement."
Kramer: "Sounds like a nice girl."
714. (talking about Elaines old mattress) "Lets go over to my place and see if itll fit My bed has sprung a leak."
Elaine: "You have a waterbed?"
Kramer: "Sand. Its like sleeping on the beach!"
715. "Technically Norfolk has more gross tonnage."
716. Elaine: "Hey, thanks for ruining my mattress--it reeks!"
Kramer: "You know what I think it is--the East River. I think its polluted!"
717. (to Japanese tourists) "It wouldnt be impolite to laugh at his antics... cause everyone laughs at Jerry in America!"
718. Japanese tourist tries on cowboy hat; Kramer says: "Giddyup--youre a cowboy now!"
719. "What did you do with that pilot you did? Yeah, now I think that had marvelous production values."
720. On why Jerry should do a tv show in Japan: "Here youre just another apple, but there youre an exotic fruit--like an
orange, which is rare there."
721. "We had to leave early--there was a slight monetary discrepancy about the check."
722. Kramer: "New York can be quite pricey, even with 50,000 yen."
Elaine: "50,000 yen--isnt that only a few hundred dollars?"
Kramer: "Evidently."
723. "Good morning Mr. O--I gotta make up the drawer."
724. (Kramer gets cereal from Jerry for the Japanese tourists) "Rice Krispies--east meets west, Jerry."
725. "There you go--snap, crackle, pop!"
726. "George, what else can I do with these guys? Bear in mind that theyre a little light in the yen."
727. "There was an incident"--referring to him punching mickey mantle during fantasy baseball camp
728. "Kar-a-TAY, Jerry, kar-a-tay--its the lifetime pursuit of balance and harmony."
729. "I got whooped--you shoulda seen the rage in those little eyes--and the fury in those little fists!"
730. (to Jerry, re George) "You oughtta go down there and help him out--hes a widower!"
731. Jerry: "Theres a street gang named after President Van Buren?"
Kramer: "Yeah, and theyre just as mean as he was!"

732.
733.
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735.
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739.
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748.
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752.

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761.
762.
763.
764.
765.
766.
767.
768.
769.

770.
771.
772.
773.
774.

"Chew on that..."
(re Ellen) "Jerry, shes a loser!!"
(talking about Jerry with George) "I still like the Bloomingdales executive training program for him..."
"Thats real au jus sauce--REAL au jus sauce!"
"Mr. Peterson, you gotta sell me my stories back!"
"This is what the holidays are all about--three buddies sittin around chewing gum!"
"Its a perfectly SANE food to eat!"
"Yeah, well Im sorry but the Alex is a family theatre--not one of your swing joints."
George: "My father opened his shirt and-- you tell him."
Kramer: "He had breasts... These were real hooters!"
"One, two, cha-cha-cha!"
"Im gonna go noodle with this."
"Mind you, this is just a prototype..."
"Say youre getting intimate with a woman--you dont want her fumbling and juggling back there."
"Itll be you, me and the Bro, bro!"
"But its a LOCK!"
"Help me, man, Im desperate!"
"Its a pleasure doin business with a gentleman like yourself!"
Kramer: "So then you ask yourself, isnt there something more to life?"
Jerry: "Yes--thats right!"
Kramer: "Yeah, well, let me clue you in on something--there isnt!"
Kramer: "What if there should be an unfortunate accident?"
Jerry: "Youre going to rub out the DOG??!"
"Now the dog is prancing in the fields--dancing and prancing... Were doin the dog a HUGE favor!"
(Jerry asks Kramer how things are going in L.A.)
Kramer: "Things are goin good for me here--I met a girl..."
Jerry: "Kramer, she was murdered!!"
Kramer: "Well, I wasnt lookin for a long-term relationship!"
"Ahh, Mr. Haaarrwood!"
Mr. Harwood: "Where is your friend, King Henry?"
Kramer: "He ran away."
"Yes, Im free--cause the murderer struck again!!"
"Do? Im doin what I do--the way Ive always done, and the way I always will do."
"Its all water near a bridge."
"Thats some sweet action!"
Jerry: "What do you mean involved?"
Kramer: "I ran around the court and threw a hot dog at Reggie Miller--INVOLVED!"
(Kramer is the break-up go-between) "George were sorry--were through."
"George its over--its just--its over."
"You like the tuxedo? Its a rental but Ive had it for 15 years."
"Steinbrenner--hes ruining my life!"
"You know, with that fake wood wallpaper the atmosphere in there is fabulous now--its like a ski lodge!"
Jerry: "Do you realize this woman has never been with a man?"
Kramer: "Im Kramer."
"You dont sell the steak... you sell the sizzzle. "
"I got no peristalsis!!!!"
"Jerry, your palate is unrefined."
Kramer: "If they were any more Cuban, Castro would have smoked them himself!"
Texan: "I thought Castro quit smoking?"
Kramer: "They also rolled for his brother, Dennis."
Texan: "DENNIS Castro?!"
"Im FRIED!"
"Ooohh--tough crowd!"
(to Jerry, after Jerrys act where hes trying to bomb so Banya will take a dive): "You had some good stuff--the cancer
bit."
"Look at me--Im all covered in oregano and parmesean and its sticking to me cause of the butter!" (Newman is
salivating...)
"You know the way you smell when you first come home from the beach? Well, I want to capture the essence of that

smell in a cologne."
775. Man at apartment (where Kramer is trying to get a jacket): "Is it your contention that Shakespeare was an imposter?"
Kramer (AKA Professor Von Nostrand): "Contention?"
Man: "Yes, contention."
Kramer: "Well, yes, that IS my contention."
776. Jerry tells Kramer hes going to have an "intervention" for his drug-addicted friend at his apartment; Kramer says:
"Can I get in on that?"
777. Kramer: "Hey--is this the interference?"
Jerry: "INTERVENTION!!"
778. "I gotta switch shaving cream--I get NO protection!"
779. Jerry: "Why are you buttering your face?"
Kramer: "Im shaving with it... its vastly superior to any shaving cream."
780. Jerry: "What did I just pay for?"
Kramer: "Uh-uh--youre a john!"
781. Kramer: "Well, bad news, boys. My life is over--my girlfriends movin away..."
Jerry: "Where shes movin?"
Kramer: "DownTOWN."
Elaine: "Downtown New YORK??!"
Kramer: "Yeah. I dont know if I can handle one of these long distance relationships."
782. "Its a whole different world downtown--different Gap, different Tower Records. AND shes a 646." (area code)
783. Kramer: "Listen, heads up, Elaine--Im going to have to stop by later and pick up a fax."
Elaine: "At work?"
Kramer: "No, at your apartment."
Elaine: "I dont have a fax machine."
Kramer: "Well, NOW what are we gonna do? (to Jerry) See, this is why you should get a fax and a xerox."
Jerry: "And a deadbolt."
784. Kramer: "Are you sure you dont have [a fax machine], because theres a LOT of stuff in MY apartment Ive never
seen."
Elaine: "Then maybe YOU have a fax machine."
Kramer: "You just blew my mind!"
785. Elaine: "Hey Kramer, what was it you were having faxed to my house--EVERY 30 SECONDS?!"
Kramer: "I signed up for a food delivery service--yeah--Now Were Cookin. Its a play on words."
786. Jerry: "Kramer, youre still on the phone?"
Kramer: "Madeleine and I are watching Quincy together." (goes to the bathroom, then:) "Im back--hey, ya wanna
play cards over the phone?"
787. Kramer: "Hey, can I borrow your suitcases?"
Jerry: "Yeah, theyre in YOUR closet."
Kramer: "No, no, I looked."
Jerry: "Theyre behind my SKIS and my TENNIS RACKET."
Kramer: "Thanks buddy."
788. (after Kramer visits downtown New York) "Jerry, you wouldnt believe what its like down there--the taxi cab drivers
are insane--everybody is in a HURRY!"
789. Jerry: "Kramer, maybe this relationship isnt for you."
Kramer: "Oh, yeah, so what am I supposed to do? Be more like you? All sealed up in here, emotionally
unavailable--paying scrub women for sexual favors? No, Jerry, I wont be like you--NEVER--Ill NEVER be like
you!!"
790. Calling Jerry from phone booth, hysterical: "We had a big fight, she threw me out, I started walking--and now Im lost
downtown... I dont have anybody, I dont recognize anybody--I miss home, I dont even know how to get there!!"
791. Jerry: "What street are you on?"
Kramer: "OK, Im on First and First--waaait--how can the same street intersect with itself?! I must be at the nexus of
the universe!!"
792. (Kramer gets an office job) "I finally realized whats missing in my life--STRUCTURE!"
793. Kramer: "Dont want to forget my briefcase."
Jerry: "Whaddya got in there?"
Kramer: "Crackers."
794. (after a hard day at the office) "Oh, man, what a day--I could use a drink..."
795. "Old man Leland is busting my hump over these reports. If I dont get em done by nine--Im toast!"
796. Kramers getting fired from his office job; he says: "I dont even really work here."

797.
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820.
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822.
823.
824.
825.

826.
827.
828.
829.
830.
831.
832.
833.

"They gave me the heave ho!"

"You know, I dont think that Kenny Rogers has ANY idea whats goin on down there."
"Ive broken through, huh? Im part of popular culture now!"
(to Peterman) "Theres enough juice here to keep us all fat and giggling."
"IM the REAL Peterman!"
"Peterman had his henchmen forcibly eject me from the book signing like I was some kind of maniac!"
"Hey Jerry, Im starting the Peterman Reality Bus Tour--check it out!"
"People want to KNOW the stories behind the stories."
Kramer: "Im chargin $37.50 plus you get a pizza bagel and dessert."
George: "Whats dessert?"
Kramer: "Three Muskateers."
"I cant argue with you rubes and drive at the same time!"
"Jerry, youre a minor celebrity--if you go on the tour it might create a minor stir!"
(Kramer gets turned away from a dump) "Well maybe I WILL take it up with consumer affairs!"
"I gotta good feelin about this dump."
"DEATH BLOW--when someone tries to blow you up--not because of who you are, but because of different reasons
altogether!"
"Hey Jerry, do you think you could get an extra ticket for my friend Brody? Hes a BIG fan of the genre. Ya know Id
consider it a personal favor to me." (while eating a gallon of Jerrys ice cream)
"Man, were missin the death blow!"
Kramer: "Yeah, who got the final death blow? Cause I thought that Hawaiian guy--he had it comin to him, huh?"
Jerry: "Kramer, you make me get a ticket for this friend of yours, and then the guy forces me to bootleg a movie at
gunpoint?"
Kramer: "Hes quite a character, isnt he?"
(Brody told Jerry he wants him to bootleg another movie) Kramer: "Look at you--you got another gig, huh?!"
Jerry: "I dont want another gig--Im not doin this!"
Kramer: "But you have a gift! Look, Jerry, this is not your little comedy act--were talkin feature films here!"
Kramer: "Whats that?"
Elaine: "Its dancing." Kramer: "No, no--that aint dancin Sally!" Elaine: "I dance fine!"
Kramer: "YOU STINK!!"
"Brody, hes a reasonable man--but hes insane!"
"Jerry, George got arrested. He went down at the Beekman. He tried to lam, but they cheesed him."
(re Elaines dancing at the end of "Cry, Cry Again") "Its a disturbing image."
I have the body of a taut pre-teen swedish boy
"Oh yeah, yeah, I heard--Marvin Kessler... Boy, that makes you think." (re 96-year-old guy who died)
Jerry: "Did ya give blood?"
Kramer: "Not giving--HOARDING. Im storing it at the blood bank--just in case."
"Well I have to say Im very surprised--and disappointed--BLOOD brother."
"Oh, so my bloods not enough? Would you like a kidney too? Cause Ill give it to you--Ill RIP it out right here and
slap it on the table!"
(to Jerry) "All right, who dont you just take a good hard look at what your life will be like if Im not around?!"
Kramer: "Hey, got any pliers? ... Newman and I are reversing the peepholes on our doors--so we can see in."
Jerry: "Then anyone can look in your apartment."
Kramer: "Our policy is--were comfortable with our bodies. If anyone wants help themselves to an eyeful, we
say--enjoy the show!"
"Hey, oh, uh, yeah--here are your pliers back." (theyre broken in half) "Weak hinge."
"Nobody carries wallets anymore--they went out with powdered wigs."
"Jerry, hes a celebrity--they all wear furs. Theyre desperate, insecure people."
"Hey Sylvio, look at Jerry prancin around in his fur coat and his purse. Yup, hes a dandy--hes a real fancy boy."
Kramer brings Sylvio in Jerrys apartment: "I like to think of this as my conference room--it has a more formal
atmosphere, you know, with the shelves and the--uh--furniture."
(re Newman, who Sylvio wants to evict) "Youre all wrong, hes a model tenant--portly yes, but smart as a whip."
(re Puddys coat in a tree) "Man, that looks like a dead bear!"
Kramer brings a stack of chairs into Jerrys apartment: "Is it all right if I keep these chairs here for a while? Im havin
a New Years Eve party."
Jerry: "Youre gonna leave these here for EIGHT MONTHS??!"
Kramer: "Not this New Years eve--its a MILLENIUM party."
Jerry: "TWO AND A HALF YEARS??!!"

834.
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864.
865.
866.
867.
868.
869.
870.
871.

"You know, in the year 2000, well all be on speed dial--all youll have to do is THINK of somebody..."
"Will people be able to breathe underwater in the year 2000?"
"Elaine, Im havin a millenium party--so SAVE the date!"
Kramers worried about his millenium party: "Newmans got a jump on the invites and hell crush me if I try to go it
alone."
(to Elaine, about The Party) "Its you, me and Jerry--YEAH, now things are starting to snowball!"
(Kramer and Newman are arguing about their millenium parties--that are over two years away) Kramer: "I have over
200 folding chairs AND quite a bit of ice."
Newman: "What kind of ice?"
Kramer: "Cubed."
Newman: "Thats good ice."
(Kramer and Newman have decided to have a joint millenium party) Newman: "To the Newmanium!"
Kramer: "To the KRAMANIUM!"
"I know a great store for huraches. My friend gets his huraches there--and hes 1/64th Mayan."
"Uh, yes, Im A.G. Pennypacker. Im a wealthy industrialist looking to open a silver mine in Peru..."
"Without dessicates, those clothes will be noticeably musty in five years."
(to Jerry, after hes shaved his chest) "Dont you know youre not supposed to poke around down there?"
(to Jerry) "Ill pick you up a sundress and a parasol and you can just sashay around the town square!"
"Dont you know whats gonna happen? Everytime you shave it, itll come in thicker and longer--and darker!"
(to Elaine) "Are you still on the pill? ...I tell you, I think birth control should be discussed in an open forum."
"Ahhhh--AIDS walk--thats a cake walk!"
"You know what you are--youre a ribbon bully!"
"Ahoy there!"
"A hot bowl of mulligatawny would hit the spot!"
"You suffer for your soup... you demand perfection from yourself--and your soup!"
(re the soup nazi) "Yeah, well--hes a dear."
Kramer: "I dont like to carry my wallet. My osteopath says its bad for my spine--throws my hip off kilter."
George: "So wheres your money?"
Kramer: "I dont have any."
George: "What do you do?"
Kramer: "Oh, I get by." (as he borrows money from George to get wine for hostess gift)
(to George at newsstand) "Get a Penthouse Forum--itll make great dinner table conversation."
(re Georges enormous new gortex jacket) "Youd better be careful with that thing--it could start a war!"
"Hey double-parker, show yourself!"
"A lot of femininas--some major femininas..."
(Kramer gets Elaine a bench for her birthday) "Remember when we were standing there and she mentioned it? I made
a mental note of it."
(Jerry complains that Kramer got him to donate money to a Mt. Vesuvius victims relief fund) "It was supposed to
erupt!"
(to Elaine, after he accidentally saw her naked) "If itll make you feel better, you can see ME naked!"
(Jerrys grumbling about doing his taxes) Kramer: "You know what my feelings are about this--I dont even pay
taxes."
Jerry: "Yeah, well thats easy--you dont have any income."
"My friend Bob Sakamono had shock treatment..."
"You know what they do in there? Did you see Cuckoos Nest? They put electrodes on you..."
(with Jerry at the NY Public Library) "The Dewey decimal system--what a scam that was! That Dewey guy really
cleaned up on that deal."
Kramer is eyeing the Marion the librarian: "This is a lonely woman looking for companionship--a spinster--maybe a
virgin..."
"She needs a little tenderness, a little understanding--she needs a little Kramer."
Jerry: "Yeah, then shell need a little shot of penicillin."
(weeping) "Its Marions poetry--I cant take it..."
(to George) "You know, I never figured you for a squealer."
"Ooo, tattle-tale."
(Kramer is videotaping his break-up with "Ellen": "I musta been outta my mind--LOOK at you. Why dont you DO
something with your life? Sit around here all day--you contribute NOTHING to society! Youre just takin up space!
How can I be with someone like YOU and respect myself?" [then] "Play--play... I take it all back--everything--I take it
all back, every word. I LOVE you!! I love YOU!! I cant live without you--Ill do anything!"

872. "Oh yeah, Im very sensitive about that. I mean, someones birthday comes up, I keep my ears open."
873. "Hey, Ill look like Joe Friday in Dragnet. Dum-de-DUM-dum."
874. Kramer: "Got the paper?"
Jerry: "Not yet."
Kramer: "No paper?"
Jerry: "I havent been out yet."
Kramer: "Well, whats taking you so long?"
875. Kramer gets back together with Ellen, then takes offense at Jerry & Elaines earlier disparaging remarks about her:
"From now on, when we pass each other in the hall, I dont know you, you dont know me."
Elaine: "Kramer, we didnt mean it!"
Jerry: "What are ya doin?"
Kramer: "Im getting my pot."
876. Jerry complains that a woman has a "psycho-sexual" hold on him; Kramer: "Whoa, psycho-sexual!"
877. Kramer on cantaloupe: "Let me taste it." (takes a bite, spits it out) "See, that stinks. You cant eat that. You should
take that back."
Jerry: "Im not takin it back."
Kramer: "Alright, Ill take it back. Im going by there."
Jerry: "I dont care about it."
Kramer: "Jerry, you SHOULD care. Cantaloupe like this should be taken out of circulation!"
878. Kramer: "You never had cantaloupe like this before... I got it at Joes--49 cents a pound. I dont know why you dont
go there."
Jerry: "Its too far."
Kramer: "Its only a few blocks--you can take my shopping cart."
879. Kramer on his golf swing: "I got it--this time I really got it! Its hips--its all in the hips!"
880. (to Jerry) "Oh, youre SO naive! All the cable companies care about is the big mamoo!"
881. "Man, its the 90s--its HAMMER time!"
882. "Yeah, Jerrys gonna be a cable boy, a cable boy, a cable boy..."
883. "Hey, cmon over, Dr. Zhivago is on cable in 5 minutes... Im makin popcorn!"
884. "Yeah, I eat the whole apple--stem, core, seeds--everything... Ever eat the bark off a pineapple?"
885. Kramer: "Boy, I have really had it with Newman. He wakes me up again last night at 3 oclock in the morning to tell
me hes going up onto the roof to kill himself."
Jerry: "Well, whatd ya say?"
Kramer: "I said jump. Well, hes been threatening to do this for years. I said Look, if youre gonna kill yourself, do
it already and stop bothering me. At least Id respect the guy for accomplishing something."
886. Kramer: "Yeah, Newman jumped."
Jerry: "Did he call you last night?"
Kramer: "Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah."
Jerry: "Whatd ya say?"
Kramer: "I said Wave to me when you pass my window."
887. (to George, about Tony) "You know, I think youre in love with him."
George: "What? Thats ridiculous!"
Kramer: "No, no, no, I dont think so. You LOVE him!"
888. After Kramer reads the gay story: "I THOUGHT we were friends!"
Jerry: "Here we go..."
Kramer: "I mean, how could you two keep this a secret from me?"
Jerry: "Its not true!"
Kramer: AAAHHH! ENOUGH LYING! The lying is through! Cmon, Jerry, the masquerade is over. Youre thin, late
30s, single..."
Jerry: "So are you!"
Kramer (spasms and says meakly): "YEAH."
889. (Kramer and Newman are selling albums) Kramer (in Newmans ear): "Hes gippin us!"
Newman: "Youre gippin us!"
Ron: "Well, whataya got here, yknow, you got
Don Ho: Live at Honolulu, you got Jerry Vale Sings Italian Love Songs, you got Sergio Mendes. Now come on..."
Kramer: "Wait, wait, wait--Sergio Mendes has a cult following."
Newman: "They follow him like a cult."
Kramer: "He cant even walk down the street in South America!"
890. Kramer: "Cmon Jerry, you gotta see the operation. Theyre gonna cut him open. His gutsll be all over the place."

891.

892.
893.

894.

895.
896.

897.

898.
899.
900.
901.
902.
903.
904.
905.

906.
907.
908.
909.

Jerry: "Yeah, thats true..."

Kramer: "Theyll saw through bone." (makes sawing noises while gesturing over Roys chest) "Youll SEE whats
INSIDE bone!!"
Kramer: "Jerry, that voice is tatooed on my brain--Im tellin you its her!"
Jerry: "Oh, youre crazy."
Kramer: "Am I? Or am I SO sane that you just blew your mind?!"
Jerry: "Its impossible!"
Kramer: "Is it? Or is it SO possible your head is spinning like a top??!!"
Jerry: "It cant be."
Kramer: "Cant it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?"
Jerry: "All right, thats enough."
Kramer: "YEAAHHH!!!"
George: "We rode along all the way to the hospital."
Kramer: "Yeah, I sang 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall!"
Kramer: "I STINK! I cant play! The ball is just sittin there, Jerry, and I cant hit it! I only hit one really good ball that
went way out!"
Jerry: "Well, what happened?"
Kramer: "I have no concentration!"
"You meet a proctologist at a party, DONT walk away. PLANT yourself there, because you will hear the funniest
stories youve ever heard! See, no one wants to admit to them that they STUCK something up there. Never! Its
always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: It was a million to one shot, Doc--million to
one!"
Security Guard: "Can I help you?"
Kramer: "Uh, yeah. Doctor Cosmo Kramer." (points to license plate) "Proctology."
Security guard: "Oh, oh, okay, sure..."
A car passes, someone yells: "Yo, assman! Look at the assman!" (Kramer waves)
Estelle: "Did he say assman?"
Kramer: "Oh, yeah!"
Estelle: "Oh my goodness!"
Another car passes: "Hey, the assmans in town!"
Kramer: "You got that straight!"
Kramer: "Id much rather get hit by an 80 pound air conditioner than a two-ton cab. Much rather take it in the head,
like I did in 79."
Jerry: "You were livin in the Village then, right?"
Kramer: "Dont really remember..."
(Kramer wants Jerrys old leather jacket) Jerry: "Ok, take it."
Kramer: "Yeahhh--good karma for you!"
(Kramer & George are fighting over the statue) Jerry: "Cmon, why dont you two settle this like mature adults?"
Kramer: "OK--potato man."
George: "No--no potato man. Inka dink."
Kramers brooding about Ravas boyfriend, Ray, the statue-stealer: "Lets go get him... Yah wanna go get him? ... I
say we get him!"
Kramer as Joe Friday, shaking down Ray: "Yeah, Im a cop--Im a good cop--Im a damn good cop!"
George: "Kramer, I dont know how to thank you!"
Kramer: "Yeah, well, Ill think of something." (slaps George on back, statue flies out of Georges hands & shatters)
"Boxers! How do you wear these things?! Theyre bagging off, theyre rising in... And theres nothin holding me in
place! Im flippin, Im floppin--what am I gonna do?!!"
Kramer, on switching from boxers to briefs: "I need the secure packaging of Jockeys. My boys need a house!"
Jerry: "Tell me it isnt so!"
Kramer: "Oh, it be so! Im out there, Jerry, and Im LLLOVIN every minute of it!!"
Jerry: "Dont you need a little...help?"
Kramer: "Surprisingly, no. Im freee, Im unfettered. Im like a naked innocent boy rrroamin the countryside!"
Elaine: "My friend is having a brunch to watch the New York Marathon."
Kramer: "Oh, MAN--I keep forgettin to enter that!"
Jerry: "Hows life on the red planet?"
Kramer: "Its killin me. I cant eat, I cant sleep--all I can see is that giant red sun in the shape of a CHICKEN!"
"If Jerry finds out Im hooked on Rogers chicken, Im back in there with the red menace!"
Kramer: "Yeah, yeah, go ahead. Put the banner up. Doesnt matter to me."

910.
911.
912.

913.
914.
915.
916.

917.

918.
919.
920.
921.
922.
923.
924.
925.
926.
927.
928.
929.
930.
931.
932.
933.
934.
935.

Jerry: "Alright."
Kramer: "No, Jerry! Please, I need that chicken, I gotta have that chicken! You leave those roasters alone, Kenny
never hurt anybody."
Jerry: "Youve got a little problem."
Kramer: "Oh, Ive got a BIG problem, Jerry!"
Kramer, to George: "Ive been tellin ya-get yourself some plugs-or a piece!"
Kramers feeding Rusty the horse: "Yeah, there ya go. Thats Beef-a-Reeno." (singing) "Im so keen-o, on
Beef-a-Reeno, what a delicious cuisine-o, fit for a king and queen-o! Yeah, eat up--Ive got 34 more cans!"
George: "What the hell happened?"
Kramer: "The horse is gassy. Musta been the Beef-a-Reeno."
George: "Beef-a-Reeno? You fed the horse Beef-a-Reeno??!"
Kramer: "Well, I overbought!!"
Kramer: "Im low, now, arent I? I can--I can feel it!"
Doctor: "Yes, Im afraid you are a little low."
Kramer: "Ohhhh, MAN! Its over--the Kramer name is finished! Im never going to procreate!!"
"Hey, Jerry, guess what? The Kramer name might live on! Noreens late--shes laaate!!"
Jerry is trying to "express his anger": "Kramer, I am so sick of you comin in here and eatin all my food. Now shut
that door and get the hell out of here!" Kramer looks at him, theres a beat, then he cracks up and says: "What is that, a
new bit??!!"
Kramer: "You know, just because a persons a smoker, that doesnt mean hes not a human being."
Jerry: "It doesnt?"
Kramer: "Well you can confine them, you can punish them, you can cram them into the corner, but theyre not going
away, Jerry."
Jerry: "What--what happened to your face? It looks like an old catchers mit."
Kramer: "What?" (checks himself out in mirror) "Look at that--my face is all craggly-- its crinkly!"
Jerry: "Its from all that smoke. Youve experienced a lifetime of smoking in 72 hours. What did you expect?"
Kramer: "Emphysema, birth defects, cancer--but not this! Jerry, my face is my livelihood. Everything I have I owe to
this face. Its my allure--my twinkle!"
Jackie: "Miss Wilkie, your tobacco company has turned this beautiful specimen into a horrible twisted freak!"
Kramer: "WHO could LOVE me??!!"
Kramer: "Im putting up Franks screen door. This beautys got a little life in her yet."
Jerry: "What do you need it for?"
Kramer (closing door): "The cool evening breezes of Anytown, USA!"
"I dig!"
(Kramer uses Georges ticket to the Cayman Islands) "George, I want to thank you for the best four days of my life...
They were shooting the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue right at the pool in my hotel. Not only that but they opened
up a section of the beach for nude bathing and all the models went down there."
(re Elle McPherson) "Oh, shes a sweet kid."
"I believe youre wrong--its STATUE not STATUTE."
"I meet a lot of girls in this jacket."
(Theyre in parking garage, Jerry has to go to the bathroom) "You know, you hold it in like that, you can cause a lot of
damage to your bladder. Thats what happens to truck drivers--they hold it in all the time and eventually it starts to
come out involuntarily."
(to Jerry, urging him to pee in the parking garage) "Dont you get tired of following rules? Why be uncomfortable if
you dont have to? Its organic!"
(lost in parking garage) "Look at this place--its HUGE!"
George: "Whats the difference? Well all be dead eventually."
Kramer: "Does that bother you?"
"You know the guy had a fat fetish. The inspector never dated anyone under 250 lbs."
"Hes giving everything away. Hes becoming a minimalist."
"How often do you cut your toenails? Cause the other night I was sleeping with Marion and I rolled over and cut her
ankle."
"So ya blew it... Let me have the number. I know how to handle these psychotics."
(Martin, the neighbor, is in a coma) "I cant believe hes in a coma--hes got my vacuum cleaner. My carpets are
filthy... Hes got all my attachments!"
Jerry asks how long you have to wait when a guys in a coma before you can date his girlfriend; Kramer: "Why wait?
Why not just call Dr. Kavorkian?"
(to Jerry) "What kind of man are you? A man is in a coma and you dont have the guts to kiss his girlfriend?"

936. (to guy in coma) "I want my vacuum cleaner--Martin, I KNOW you can hear me!"
937. "The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since the one hour martinizer."
938. Jerrys car has been stolen; Kramer calls the thief on Jerrys cell phone: "Theres a pair of gloves in the glove
compartment--could you mail those to me?"
939. (re Woody Allen movie being filmed in their neighborhood) Kramer: "Yah know Im in that movie? Yeah, Im an
extra."
George: "Howd ya get that?"
Kramer: "I was just hangin around and they asked me."
George: "Out of the clear blue sky?"
Kramer: "CLEAR blue sky!!"
940. "Woody--Woody starts laughing. He was drinkin something and it starts comin out of his nose!"
941. "No, no, see thats no good--you dont know how to act."
942. After Kramer gets fired from the Woody Allen movie, hes musing about his line, "These pretzels are makin me
thirsty": "Boy, I really nailed that scene!"
943. "Whats an extremity?"
944. (George has ordered Chinese hair growth lotion) "Lets videotape your head for the before picture so we can see how
it grows and stuff."
945. (George has got on his hair lotion) "Hes a happy camper, huh?"
946. "It stinks! (to Jerry) "Can you smell that?" (to George) "You STINK!"
947. "Wait a minute--I think I see something here. Lets go to the videotape..."
948. "I FOUND a hair!"
949. Kramers at the off-track betting place: "Oh yeah, its all set--theyve got the bug boy."
950. Talking about a racehorse: "Oh this baby loves the slop--eats the slop... His father was a mudder."
951. At the OTB: "Cmon, cmon, cmon--yes, yes, YES [pretends to be whipping the horse] YES YES YES YES--I
WON!!"
952. (to George) "Oh, youre a chucker!"
953. "I HATE Keith Hernandez!"
954. (to Jerry and George) "Hey, ya know this is the first time weve ever seen each other naked?"
955. "Oh, ya didnt sneak a peek?!"
956. Kramer and Jerry have finally come to "see the baby"; Kramer: "Oooo, koochie, koochie, koochie cooo!!"
957. (re The Baby) "Im not joking, she LOOKS like Lyndon Johnson!"
958. Kramer makes the baby cry: "It was an accident--right Jerry?--an accident!"
959. (talking about the hit-and-run driver) "What kind of sick lowlife would do a thing like that? Person like that is
disturbed--they should be sent to Australia!"
960. "Hey, ya know who owns that car? The blonde across the street who wears the blue sweatpants!"
961. "Youre nothin but a felon."
962. "I was watching Entertainment Tonight and suddenly I got dizzy and I HIT my head on the coffee table!"
963. "Maybe it was a reaction to the sardines..."
964. "Hello madame" to george
965. Nina is painting his portrait: "You sure you dont want me to take my clothes off? Cause Ill do it!"
966. "Are you getting the eyes? Theyre brown--actually, dark brown, like rich Columbian coffee."
967. (telling Nina about Elaine) "Ya know she and Jerry were a big thing--like Abe Lincoln and Mary Todd."
968. Well you know--I have many relationships."
969. To Jerry, about Nina: "Shes deep."
970. After reading Ninas letter (copied from "Chapter Two"), Jerry says: "Should I call her?"
Kramer: "Yes, youre damn right you should. Fight for her, Jerry--shes sure as hell fighting for you!"
971. Kramers talking about himself at dinner with the people who bought his portrait: "When I was 17 I ran off and
hopped a steamship to Sweden..."
972. After he gets hit in the head with a baseball at Yankees game, to Elaine: "Hiya, Carol."
973. "I got some bad news for ya buddy--I think your car got stolen again."
974. "Well Im very disappointed with George and Elaine, and you know Im somebody you dont want to cross."
975. "No, I really dont think thats a beg."
976. Kramer: "He thinks your a phony--a big phony."
Jerry: "Whyd ya tell me that if I cant say anything?"
Kramer: "You begged me!"
977. Kramer: "Oh, by the way, thanks a lot for inviting me to the flea market."
Elaine: "We just didnt think of you!"
Kramer: "You said it, sister!"

978. "Im sorry, I dont care for that sorry."

979. Kramer: "Oh, congratulations."
Matthews mother: "What for?"
Kramer: "Arent you pregnant?"
Mom: "NO, Im not PREGNANT!!"
Kramer: "Are you SURE youre not pregnant?!!"
980. (re crazy Joe Devolla) "I dont want that nut in my house--you know hes on medication!"
981. Jerry: "Kramer, are you drinking that milk?"
Kramer: "Yeah."
Jerry: "Whats the expiration date on that?"
Kramer: "September 3rd."
Jerry, George, Susan: "SEPTEMBER 3rd??!!" (Kramer proceeds to vomit all over Susan)
982. "I was walkin home... I had my helmet on... I feel this kick in the side of my head--I look up and its crazy Joe
Devolla!"
983. "I got bad news for you, buddy--Devolla says youre next!"
984. (to Jerry) "Assumed? Never assume!"
985. (re air conditioner) "Good one? Its a Commando 8--12,000 BTUs."
986. (to George, whos lost his glasses) "Ya know what you do? Go see my friend Dwayne at J & T Optical. Just mention
my name... That guy owes me big time--I got him off sugar!"
987. "Retail is for suckers!"
988. (yelling at Dwayne, the optician) "Oh, how quickly we forget! ...Remember that night I found you eating Dinky
Donuts? You were all hopped up on cinnamon swirls!"
989. (to Elaine, re dog) "Little Snowball? He runs on batteries!"
990. (to Elaine, who thinks she has rabies from a dogbite) "Oh, thats fatal--you dont want that!"
991. (to George, re Elaine) "Shes got rabies--just like my friend Bob Sakamono!"
992. "Hey Elaine, scratch my back--one lap around. Cmon, itll be a funky adventure."
993. (re his itchy back and Olive with the long fingernails) "I lost it two days ago. Ive been fakin it so I didnt hurt her
feelings."
994. "Sand! I cant get rid of this sand! I even got sand in my pockets!!"
995. (to Elaine) "Theres a store downtown that has a mannequin that looks exactly like you. Its uncanny--like they
chopped off your arms and legs and dipped you in plastic... Its really quite exquisite."
996. "Is that a Titleist? A hole in one, huh?"
997. Kramer on the new showerheads: "Low flow? I dont like the sound of that!"
998. "Without a good shower, Im not myself. I feel weak and ineffectual--Im not Kramer!"
999. "I just took a bath, Jerry--A BATH!! ... Im sittin there in a tepid pool of my own filth!"
1000. Jerry and Kramer are at Jerrys storage unit; its filled with bags of Newmans mail.
Jerry: "Kramer, I rented out half my space to YOU!"
Kramer: "Yes, and I rented half of MY space to Newman!"
1001. Jerry tells Kramer to see a doctor about his hacking cough. Kramer: "Nahhh--no DOCTORS for me--buncha lackeys
and yes-men all toein the company line!"
1002. Kramers coughing dog: "Yeah, this is Smuckers--I borrowed him. Yeah, we share the same affliction."
1003. Kramer: "The Andrea Doria collided with the Stockholm 12 miles off the coast of Nantucket."
George: "How do YOU know??"
Kramer: "It was in my book, Amazing Tales of the Sea."
1004. Kramer on end-of-life care: "I dont want to be a vegetable, Elain. I just want out."
1005. Asking Elaine to be his executor on end-of-life: "Elaine youre perfect--youre a calculating, cold-hearted
businesswoman."
1006. "Elaine, I got lady problems. After Emily and I have sex, I dont want her in the bed anymore. Yeah, shes got the
jimmy leg..."
1007. After Elaine says that hes more than "just a tweak away" from a healthy relationship, Kramer responds: "Youre not
exactly zeroing in yourself, lady."
1008. (to Emily, whos got the "jimmy leg") "Cmon, I know this isnt what the ladies like, but without some solid sack
time, Im a zombie!"
1009. Kramer is giving Elaine stories for Petermans biography) Elaine: "I dont understand--you were WEARING the pants
you were returning?"
Kramer: "Well, I guess I was."
Elaine: "What were you going to wear home?"
Kramer: "ELAINE, are you LISTENING?! I never even GOT there!!"

1010. "I bought a bunch of bunion stories from Newman--but they all stink! I think Im being ripped off--- NEWMAN!!""
1011. Kramer starts to tell a story hes already sold to Peterman; Elaine gives him the evil eye and says: "You NEVER SAT
in mud!" Kramer (meekly): "But I was all dirty!"
1012. "So I see this guy givin me the stink eye, so I give him the crook eye back!"
1013. Kramer to Peterman: "You know, if you like that one, Ive got more. Whaddya lookin for--romance, comedy,
adventure--(cluck cluck) erotica??!"
1014. (Newman is trying to come up with an excuse to get out of his speeding ticket) Newman: "All we need is a reason why
you were going to commit suicide."
Kramer: "I never had an air conditioner."
Newman: "No--thats no reason to kill yourself!"
Kramer: "Why?? It gets hot at night, you cant sleep--did you ever try to sleep in a really hot room??!"
1015. Jerry: "Hey, NBC OKd our idea, were gonna make the pilot!"
Kramer: "Youre gonna do the circus freak show, huh?"
1016. (after winning Tony) "Jerry, Im not gonna let you bring me down off of THIS high--Ive been partying all night!"
1017. (re Raquel Welch) "What am I gonna do--shes gonna EAT me alive!!"
1018. (Kramer is trying to fire Raquel Welch) "Miss Welch, Im Cosmo Kramer, Im one of the producers... I do need to talk
to you regarding your performance. It seems that due to the vagaries of the production parameters due to the ..."
(Raquel pounces on him and beats him up)
1019. Kramer (after he put butter on his skin and "cooked" in the sun): "I gotta keep my skin moist so I dont dry out."
Jerry: "Is that what the doctor said?"
Kramer: "No, I read an article in Bon Appetit!"
1020. "Jerry, the anger just melts right off--serenity now!"
1021. Jerry: "Kramer, are you all right? You dont look so good."
Kramer: "Oh, well, thats odd because I feel perfectly at peace with the world."
1022. "Theyre not CLONING sheep--theyre the SAME SHEEP! I saw Harry Black do that trick... on the old Dean Martin
show!"
1023. (re bagels) "Theyre day-old. Oh, we try to fool them by putting a few fresh ones on top but they dig--OH, they dig!"
1024. "Frank invented a holiday? Hes SO PROLIFIC!"
1025. (to Frank) "This new holiday of yours is scratching me right where I itch."
1026. (to bagel store owner) "Hey Harry I need the 23rd off." (Harry says no.) "Youre infringing on my right to celebrate a
new holiday! Thats it--Im going on strike again!"
1027. "Elaine, youd better get outa there--I sabotaged the bagel machine. H&H Bagel is going down... Youve been
warned."
1028. (Kramer is picketing) "NobagelnobagelnobagelnobagelnobagelnobagelNOBAGEL!!"
1029. "Another Festivus miracle!"
1030. "Frank, no offense but this holiday is a little--(makes funny sounds)--OUT THERE!"
1031. (to Jerry who has gained 8 pounds): youre getting old !
1032. (to Jerry) "You know what woman I always thought you looked like--Lena Horne!"
1033. (Georges girlfriend, Janet, looks like Jerry...) "Cmon George, RELAX! Just because they look alike that doesnt
mean youre secretly in love with Jerry!"
1034. "I made an important life decision. I know Ive been kinda shootin off my mouth lately... Im never gonna talk again.
Now its time for silence."
1035. Kramer sidles ("Thats right--he SIDLED!"-Elaine) up to the desk at the NY Public Library, says to Marion the
librarian: "What does a fella gotta do around here to get a library card?"
1036. Oh, RUSTY!! (to horse pulling the handsome cab)
1037. At the OTB: "Cmon, cmon, cmon--yes, yes, YES [pretends to be whipping the horse] YES YES YES YES--I
WON!!"
1038. When the telephone rang in his pocket "thats for me, Kramerica Industries"
1039. Its just original Jerry!
1040. "Yello" (When hes supposed to answer Jerrys phone "Vandelay Industries"
1041. Kenny.....Kenny.....(the end of Kenny Rogers episode)
1042. "No I wanna trade you actor Anthony Quinns undershirt for the van"
1043. "He tried to lamb and they cheesed him
1044. "My friend Jar Riemenshneider eats horse all the time ... He gets it at his butcher"
1045. "I cant get it outta the wrapper!"
1046. KRAMERS LAST LINE - (not including his hysterical laughing at Jerry at the end) "I got it. Its out! Oh boy, what
a relief!" (referring to water in his ear from a trip to the beach--his attempts to get it out are what caused the plane to

crash which caused the four of them, ultimately, to land in jail.)

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