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HALF
THE LOST YEARS
Dear Reader,
A few words of exposition are in order here. Allow me to be blunt.
Vampires walk among us. I apologize if this information offends
your sensibilities, but I feel it is best that we confront the danger
head-on, and without a lot of hand-wringing or wishing it wasnt so.
The existence of vampires is incontrovertible fact.
The novel Half chronicles the misadventures of one such vampire, living among us as a second-shift server operator for a large
insurance company. The name he now assumes is Phillip Half.
Before the downfall of Europes feudal system, he was Phillip Carl,
the Ninth Count Von Helfert.
What follows is information taken from secret Allied archives,
classified at the end of WWII and hidden away in Pentagon
vaults. These are revelations so sensational that they were excised
from the book. However, thanks to the freedoms afforded by the
Internet, I am now able, for the first time, to reveal the hidden history of vampiredoms role in the fall of Hitlers reign.
The Author
The order came down from the highest ranks. The inner circle of the Nazi
Party desired that their work should not cease at the end of a
mortal lifetime but might continue to be spread unendingly and
unceasingly to every place on the globe. The Nazis sought vampires counsel in achieving superhuman strength and immortality, thus to be unstoppable forever.
My dear sir, said the count. Your efforts to film our ceremony will be in vain. After the next full moon, you yourself
will not appear on newsreels.
Hitler looked hurt and confused. Not . . . appear . . . on . . . ?
The vampire cannot be filmed. After the next full moon,
you will never appear on film again.
Hitlers eyes widened, and his cheeks puffed. The room
tensed for one of the Fhrers legendary temper tantrums.
Then he was interrupted by a wail from the camera platform.
The little woman directing the camera crews cried in shock.
The Fhrer must appear on film.
Calm yourself, Leni, said the dictator soothingly.
I have such plans for you, mein Fhrer! she sobbed. Such
pictures to make.
Like Gone with the Wind? asked Hitler eagerly.
Bigger than Gone with the Wind! she exclaimed.
Hitler turned to Count Von Helfert. Bigger than Gone with
the Wind. Surely there is some way around this. An immortal
must be seen on film.
You can appear in oil paintings, said the count.
OIL PAINTINGS!?!? shrieked Frau Riefenstahl. The
Ninth Count Von Helfert and the Butcher of Berlin cowered
before her wrath. Is this the nineteenth century? Am I to
paint the Fhrer as though he were a Mickey Mouse cartoon?
This is intolerable!
But Leni . . . whined Hitler.
Intolerable! declared the director.
Immortality . . . whimpered Hitler.
I have already given it to you! proclaimed the director.
On celluloid.
Hitler stood lost and confused. His insatiable need for immortality weighed against his unquenchable love of publicity.
If you do not appear on film, the people will lose hope. All
is lost! declared Leni.
The count shrugged. Dont hurry on my account. I have
nothing but time.
Hitler mused over this. Time, yes, time. In 1960, when my
invasion of America is complete. Perhaps that will be the
time.
Thus Count Phillip Von Helfert narrowly escaped the ignominy of being the
vampire to grant Hitler immortality. Germanys undead were
housed in a luxurious camp, where they could be studied. The
count returned to the camp and lived out the carnage of World
War II in comfort and ease. A steady supply of Jews, Gypsies, and
homosexuals were released onto the hunting grounds. Somehow
the message about vampires being unfilmable was never passed
down through the ranks of the Nazi bureaucracy. At the full
moon, when the vampires appetites were keenest, the latest herd
of victims would be released and the Nazis would again attempt to
capture their guests hunting techniques on film.